Segments - Poetry or No-etry Again

Episode Date: July 14, 2025

In this episode we hop around Wikipedia and memory lane!Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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fears take hold of you as you dive into this addictive series. Love thrillers with a paranormal twist? The entire Oracle trilogy is available on Audible. Listen now on Audible. Listen now on Audible. There is currently a giant inflatable pigeon floating down the East River outside my office. I'm watching it live. That is a Chinese spy drone. Drone spy. It's. Yep. Oh, it's opening its mouth and there is a missile. Chinese spy drone spy. It's, yep.

It's opening its mouth and there's a missile. Oh, come on. Is this how I go? Giant pigeon, giant Chinese pigeon killing me with a freaking torpedo. Nobody thought to shoot it down. Cause it looked cute. It was so cute.

It was a rubber ducky. Yeah. It's a five story tall inflatable pigeon. Five story tall? Yes, five stories tall. What is it for? It is a mascot for the club World Cup for this game that I guess is happening at MetLife later on. It's being pulled by a tugboat.

It is twice the size of the tugboat. It is being followed by a helicopter. This is wild stuff. Oh yeah, it looks like a blimp. Yeah, yeah, looks like a blimp, but it's not floating. It is on the boat. It's swimming, It's swimming upstream. I'm seeing on Twitter, it says this is a five-borough flight.

NYC football club will be floating a 700-pound, five-story tall inflatable pigeon down the Hudson River. Interesting. Did you know about that before you saw it? I heard about it on the radio this morning, actually. I listened to the AM radio in the morning. Uh-huh, and it sort of keeps you abreast of local things and happenings. And one of the things that they brought up

is the football club known as the Pigeons, creating an inflatable pigeon that's just being sort of floating down. It's not floating in the air, it's floating on the water like a big boat. Right, precisely. It is being tugged by a tugboat. And now let me ask you, you're a football fan now,

an old fashioned soccer hooligan. Yeah. Do you ever want to dabble in local New York plus soccer? Like this is seemingly up your alley. It's New York City Football Club. I think it's a new type of soccer team, right? Yeah, I think I will. I'm sure that I will. I think what might, because I have it's a new type of soccer team, right? Yeah, I think I will. I'm sure that

I will. I think what might, because I have only been a football fan like for five years or so, and only really intensely in like the last like two or three. So I think as the Premier League and the European players that I'm familiar with, a lot of them like kind of lightly retire to the US. So it would take me getting an old Tottenham player on the New York team for me to be like, I'm super into them, I'll go to all the games. Yeah, like the LA football club is like, you know, kind of like a hotbed of hipster sports fans in LA.

I wonder if this could be the New York version of that. Yeah. I don't really know anything about the New York teams. Um, I, I guess there's, there's the New York Red Bulls and then the NYCFC. Yeah, that's the pigeon one. That's my team. That is absolutely my team. The float worked.

You saw a fucking balloon. If Richarlison, the pigeon from Tottenham, Brazilian striker, if he would come to the pigeons, then that would be my favorite team. His nickname is the pigeon? Yeah. Wow, it's perfect. They should just offer him a fucking bag. I mean, what did Messi get for going to Miami? I mean, he has Messi get for going to Miami?

I mean, he has to be living large. You think Messi has a three bedroom condo in Miami? More. Or maybe a two bed, two bath with an en suite. An enormous mansion on the bay, on the water. I bet you're right. I think they gave him hundreds. Two bed, two and a half bath.

No, 50 bedrooms, 30 bathrooms. I bet it's powder room on the first floor. Hundreds of millions of dollars. With an ensuite. He is nearly a billionaire. And he's living in Miami. They gave him everything. So you think freestanding unit,

maybe three bedroom, two and a half. Yeah, more. You're thinking so small. With parking. You're thinking with those parking your course parking baked in situation didn't have to toss it in because the land is so big and sprawling you probably could put 80 cars on the fucking property let's see I'll look at what his house looks like um I was fort. So he bought a, oh yeah, a waterfront colony estate in Fort Waterdale. An estate, exactly. He purchases an entire compound. It has to be big. It has to be- It's nice, but it's not messy nice.

It's actually messy. It's a little bit messy, you know? It's actually messy. It's a little bit messy, Lionel. Lio keeps things a little messy. All right, tread lightly as someone that kind of looks like messy, I feel like you're a little bit antagonizing me in the process.

Really? I mean, I'm not saying anything bad about messy. You are. You are. You do kind of look like me, but I would make fun of you more than I would make fun of messy, so don't take umbrage at me making fun of messy because it reflects poorly on you.

Because he is short or whatever. By the way, I'm not as short as him. No, nor as I am as him, nor as, oh my God, nor as I, nor am I. Let's take a break. Yeah, let's move on. No, not move on. Nor am I.

Nor am as I. No, no man, not nor am I. Nor am I as athletic, that's what I was trying to say. Nor as am I. That's really good. Actually, speaking of speaking well, this is segments of podcast, audio only medium. Fortunately, we have a decade plus of experience

of talking into these microphones, and nearly two years of experience with this fan favorite segment called, drum roll please, poetry or noetry everybody. That's right. These are real poems and fake poems and I'm the one who's going to be deciphering which one is which. So you got one of your poems that you wrote from scratch.

Yes, that is correct. And OG, these are all kind of odes to the season. And is this one you wrote today or is this one that you've been sort of tinkering on for a while? I dicked around and wrote it today. Wow, okay, so this is a poem you wrote today and then I'm gonna be judging it slash trying to decipher it from two poems that have been written

Any idea when? Not really sure but they do seem kind of modern poems. Okay, we'll find out after oh, yeah Okay, look at this. Okay. Yeah, that's good stuff I know when these were written now, okay I wonder if any of them address Jeffrey Epstein. Like are they that modern or is it not really that? Not really that. Well, my poem is more of a diatribe on the Epstein files.

Okay, so that's sort of a dead right. Let's see if we can hear it. Okay. So we will be reading the following poems. Okay. So we will be reading the following poems. Okay. Poem number one, the sun, a hot hand on your body, the shade, a cool one, summer, the beloved presses close. Nice.

That's the first. It's nice. You liked that? The shade is a cool hand. That's a good poem. Okay. It's nice. You like that? The shade is a cool hand. That's a good poem. Okay. It's actually really good. The next poem is called What He Saw.

He saw, he saw. This one was written by a donkey, literally. It has to be yours. Cause the first one didn't even have the first what he saw was written by me remember saying he explored the world right yeah it's an incredible poem my magnum opus my Marcus Hoppus okay My penis is a lighthouse. Oh my God. The fuck is this? Smut.

My penis is a lighthouse. Firm, weathered, dutiful. Dutiful? Your vagina. A jetty, slick, and a little dangerous. Jesus. The sunset is the sunset. No metaphor there.

My light flashes against the breaking waves. The tide rises and somewhere a distant foghorn. Okay. Okay. That one's kind of mid, but maybe you chose it as that. There's no way you would fucking talk about a pussy. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. All right. A break in the clouds, the blue outline of the mountains, dark yellow of the fields, black river. What am I doing here?

Lonely and filled with remorse. I go on casually eating from the bowl of raspberries. If I were dead, I remind myself I wouldn't be eating them. It's not so simple. It is that simple. God. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yes. Yes, you've certainly spun a tale with these, Hurwitz. Okay, the first one is so short and sweet. It's just about being hot and

cold and then yeah, summer's here I guess. It's really not what it's about but okay. The third one is kind of mid in its own right talking about how if you're dead you wouldn't be eating raspberries I guess. the way, this is a way of hedging, saying they're all bad and I can't choose. I can't choose because they all suck. Yeah, one of them just happened to win a fucking award. The second one I think is much, I think during a live show, I picked up on this once.

It's like almost so sexual that I doubt you wrote it. Like I can't, unless it's like the reverse of that reverse where you actually did write the weirdly sexual one. Yeah. I think I have to, if I'm gonna eliminate one and narrow it down to two, I think I have to eliminate the sexual one. What was that one line that was like,

her boobs are just her boobs, there's no metaphor there. The sunset is just, the sunset is the sunset, no metaphor there. Yeah, I'll eliminate that one. I hope to God you didn't write it. Okay, so. That poem which is untitled is written by me. Wow. That poem which is untitled is written by me.

Wow, you fucking got me. It was about a dick. What was it about untitled lighthouse penis that you just loved, that moved you to the point that made you feel like, no, it couldn't have been written by an amateur. That had to be done by a poet. And in a way it was, and in a way it was written by a poet. Can you read yours again? My penis is a lighthouse, firm, weathered, dutiful. Your Your vagina, a jetty, slick and a little dangerous. The sunset is the sunset. No metaphor there.

My light flashes against the breaking waves. The tide rises and somewhere a distant foghorn. Post that to your substack. No. It's not ready for publishing yet. It's only ready for the game. So who wrote the other two?

The one about the raspberries, you couldn't eat them if you were dead or something. That's the one I thought you wrote. Yeah, the rasp Raspberries is called Simple and it is written by Raymond Carver in 1986. Yes, that's a fame and that's an, I mean, this is, that's an incredible poem. It's basically all the complexity of life. Yeah, it's not that simple. It is that simple. That's just beautiful stuff. And then Gregory Orr, it looks like this is from a book that was published in 2005.

Yeah, that one was short. I thought it was a fortune cookie. Short and perfect. I mean, that is just a gorgeous poem. The sun, a hand on your body, the shade a cool one, summer, the beloved presses close. It's like a person, a season, you know, just a lot of moving imagery.

And then yours is just about some guy's cock, sort of having a light. Well, it's about my cock. The reason I wanted to do this today was because I was going to the bathroom earlier and I was peeing. I noticed that your hog is kind of like a lighthouse. Yeah, the line came to my mind. My penis is a lighthouse. It just sprung into existence.

Because the piss is sort of the light. It's yellow. Yeah. No, it wasn't because of the piss. It was actually before I peed. It was kind of like as I was going into the bathroom. I was like, my penis is the lighthouse. It was before the piss, even though the light being yellow

that comes out of the lighthouse. I think it's more about the shape, the mound. Yeah, it's about the piss, the light. The light is the piss. You write a poem. You write a poem. I can't. Actually, I wrote a pretty good one about Ha-oon once.

It was about some kid whose name and identity were slipping away from him as he aged. I don't know if you remember this, but it was actually a pretty interesting one about a career. That inspired this one, as you mentioned, was from the live show. The poem that I didn't write but you, but I wanted you to think I did. This poem is by Edward Hirsch and it's called A Greek

Island, also from 1986, a great year for poems. Traveling over your body I found the failing olive and the cajoling flute where I knelt down as if in prayer and sucked a moist pit from the from the marl of the earth in a sacred cove. You gave yourself to the God who comes, the liberator of the loud shout, while I fell into a trance, blood on my lips, and stumbled into a temple on top of a hill at the bottom of the sky. Now that is a fucking poem. My God, does it hold a candle to untitled penis lighthouse poem by Jay Kerwitz? Yes and no.

It doesn't beat it, but I don't think it, I don't think that it falls far behind if I'm being, if I'm being honest and if I'm being kind. Her vagina is a jetty? Yeah, that wasn't really, you know, a vagina isn't really anything like a jetty in a way. It's just fun to write and say jetty. Yeah, I just kind of, yeah, that was just a natural evolution from where my penis was stated as being the lighthouse. Yeah, it has to be a body of water in the year there. Yeah, but like I said, I wrote this,

it was pretty slapdash at the end of the day. The sunset is the sunset. Yeah, I mean, that's- Yeah, there's no metaphor there. So when I decided there wasn't going to be a metaphor, I was like, maybe I just make it tongue-in-cheek. Yeah, it's like, yeah, that's the real meat of the poem, that it's like, we don't have time for these metaphors, we are fucking on the beach. It's ultimately a poem about sex on the beach as is a Greek aisle. Congrats you got me.

I got you good. I didn't just get you. I got you good because I wrote a good poem. I think the the scholars and the historians will be remembering me fondly. I wonder if I should title the untitled Lighthouse Penis Poem. I see on Twitter that the pigeon is on fire. They said, I guess somehow when it went past your office slash recording area, a spark came from one of your windows. I lit a bottle rocket, yeah.

You ashed a cigarette near the pigeon, 12 dead, countless more injured. I'll write a poem for them. The river is closed until further notice. Nice. Uh, all right, let's take a break. Come back with another segment. Whoa. And we're back.

Hola. Okay. Let's try something called Wikipedia hopping. I've, I've seen clips of people trying to get from one Wikipedia page to another just by clicking on links. Interesting. So give me a food. Give me a food. Okay. Um, uh, let me think. Do you want something kind of like a fruit or a vegetable or a dish?

Like, do you want me to say something like, okay, so let's go full. Let's go ahead and do potato salad. Okay, not just potatoes, but potato salad. Yes, the dish. Okay, so right now I'm on Wikipedia for Jake Hurwitz, your Wikipedia page. Okay. Every noun is a link, so we can click on anything here, my name, Union Square, Vimeo, Comedy, MySpace, Straight Man.

And we're gonna try to hop from one link to another until we reach potato salad. That's cool. Yeah, nothing is jumping out as a food. So we're gonna have to click on either me or something about our comedy, because there's a whole Jake and Mary section. Okay, maybe let's get to,

let's do something with the comedy. Yeah, Straight Man. Okay. That's a link. Great. Okay, Straight Man. Should be easy. Straight Man takes us to a Wikipedia page for,

ooh, potato salad, we're close. Amazing. We're really close. I guess Laurel and Hardy left to eat it or something. We need an Irish comedian. That's what we need. If we're talking about, yeah, who's a straight man Irish comedian?

There's no Irish comedian, but Abbott and Costello, Vaudeville, we're seeing a lot of duos, Marx brothers and a bunch of people like Steve Martin, Martin Short style. So nobody jumps out as Irish, per se. As Irish, yeah. But there is a lot of people to click on

if you wanna go from Jake Hurwitz to another guy. Okay, yeah, let's go to Steve Martin. Okay, cause he might be actually Irish if you think about it. Right. Okay, now we're on Steve Martin. Okay, because he might be actually Irish if you think about it, right? Okay. Now we're on Steve Martin's wiki and I mean the options are Unlimited at this point. I mean, holy shit. Control fine for potato. Yeah, it's not on here. Okay, that's fine Control fine for Ireland, Ireland. Yeah, right. Ireland

Ireland. Ireland. Martin is of English, Scottish, Welsh, and Scots-Irish descent. So we can click on Scots-Irish. Yeah, Scots-Irish, come on. Holy shit. And then this is an entire Wikipedia page for Scottish-Irish people.

Okay, now we gotta look at their chief exports. You know the potatoes mentioned. Uh, food. Potato is in here, but it's not a link. Sadly, it just says that they brought potatoes with them to Ireland. Okay. Can you click Ireland? Ireland.

Uh, I can click Northern Ireland. Okay. See if we can somehow get from here to the potato famine, because then we'll get a lot of potato stuff. Okay. So I'm in Northern Ireland. I guess there was no specific potato famine, but there was a Scottish famine of the 1690s that we can learn about.

Okay. Is there a potato mentioned? That's a great question. I can click on it and find out. Yeah, let's do that. Because if we can get to famines, the potato famine is a famous one. It's called the Seven Lean Years.

And I guess even if this one is not about potatoes specifically, we can maybe get to other types of famine. Yeah, I think so. Okay, yeah. So this is not potato specific, but it does talk about famine. So we can click on the Wikipedia page for famine.

Great, and there has to be potato famine there. Yeah, that's a really famous one. That's a famous famine. Yeah. Ireland. Yeah, the Great Famine of 1845, AKA the Irish Potato Famine. Okay, so now we're at the Great Famines Wikipedia page.

We could click on potato crops. Great. Or potato blight. Or, oh, we can actually just click on potato, but that's the scientific. It's the scientific strain of potato. But let's see if that'll get us to salad. Yeah. Oh, you know what?'ll get us to salad. Yeah.

Oh, you know what? That allows us to click two actual potatoes. Okay, that's good. That's a good start. Yeah, let's see. I mean, if we can't get to potato salad from potatoes, we don't deserve to be playing the game. It doesn't look like potato salad is mentioned in potato,

the potato Wikipedia page. I don't see the word salad. We're gonna have to double back or something. If you go to the Wikipedia page for potato, it's pretty scientific. No, no, wait, I'm on wiki.wikipedia.org slash wiki slash potato. Is that where I'm supposed to be? Yeah. Okay. So then you click on uses. Oh, uses. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so then you click on uses. Oh, uses, yeah. Yeah.

Fuck face, look at this. I mean, my God, it's right there. I don't, I'm doing file five for salad, and I don't see anything. Okay, it's not right there, you know what I mean? But it's there. So, I mean, well, the link for potato dishes is right there. So click on potato dishes.

Yes. Okay. Okay. There we are. What? Oh, potato salad. Yeah. Yes.

Yes, potato salad. So just to go back, we got to potato salad from potato from potato uses from the scientific phytophthria infestans from the great famine of Ireland, from famines from the seven year famine from Northern Ireland, Scottish Americans, Steve Martin, straight man, Jake Hurwitz. Wow. I am potato salad. Okay, let's try one. That sounds like another poem.

Okay. Give me, give me, do you want to do food? Let's do animal. Okay, animal, from me to an animal? Yeah. Maybe I'll reverse engineer. I'll go from an animal to you. Okay.

Start with the ocelot. That would be so, that would be way too hard actually. O-C-E-L-O-T. What is it called? The ocelot. Because it says ah a lot. Okay. All right.

I'm gonna do it from you though. Cause I don't think I can get from this thing to you. Okay. But now you at least know what an ocelot is. Yeah. It's a cute little cheetah looking like thing. Yes. Okay. I mean, already, I think. Attractive Jews or something like that, or like handsome men. Is there like a list of like,

is there a link that's like 50 guys who are hot in their forties or something like that? Skinny little wieners. God bless me. We got that on fucking camera, by the way. I know we're recording, but when you said skinny little wieners and sneezed that means you're allergic to it. Okay we could do, I mean we could go we could go the Jewish route. Interesting okay because Jewish is a link. And Practical Jokes is a link.

College Humor, MTV. Oh yeah, Reform Jewish is a link. Okay. Maybe I'll go, I guess that could get you to where Ocelots are from. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Okay. Reform Jewish.

Now we're here on Reform Jewish. Now I'm learning just about customs, which is kind of nice. In regard to God, the Reform movement has always officially maintained a theistic stance, affirming the belief in a personal God. That's nice. That's really nice. Okay, consolidation in German lands, the world union.

Try to focus on getting to the cat. I am. Yeah. You're the one getting a phone call right now. We got that. Hello? Oh my God, he answered. Yeah, now I can talk.

No, he can't. Oh, no, he cat. No, he cat. Okay. Oh, I could talk. No, he can't. No, he can't. No, he can't. Okay. Oh, here we go. The messianic age, that could be interesting. What is that? I don't know, but it feels like it'll take me to, you know, I'm trying to, I'm trying to go east so I can get to like the Sahara somehow. Yeah, you don't know where Ocelots are from unfortunately. Yeah, I actually don't. Yeah, Mexico, Central and South America.

Is that true? Yeah. Well then I really been like gonna let it stray because I don't need to be out. Now I'm just stuck on this Jewish page. This is why you really should have gotten from Ocelot to me. Mm-hmm.

Okay, then I'm gonna go back. I'm just gonna click on this random rabbi named Abraham Geiger. Okay. I am lost in a Jewish hole right now. This is, okay. During the Damascus, a blood libel. There's something called a blood libel.

Yeah. I think you're getting further and further from where you need to go. Okay. You're caught up in some sort of anti-Semitic propaganda. I'm just gonna go, this guy's from Germany, I'm gonna go to Frankfurt. That feels good.

We're gonna go to Frankfurt. That's where we're resetting. Yeah. Try to get towards animals. You're like in places rightting. Yeah, trying to get towards animals. You're like in places right now. Yeah, I know. Oh, well now I'm in Germany so I can do the Frankfurt,

let me see if I can find a zoo. Yes, Frankfurt Zoological Garden, there we go. Okay, now I'm on the Frankfurt Zoological Garden, the zoo of Frankfurt with over 510 species. It features over 4,500 animals of over 510 species. So I can click either zoo or species. Species feels like it could definitely take me there. Zoo also feels like it could definitely take me there. Zoo also feels like it could definitely take me there.

Which one would take me faster? Yeah. I know which one is taking you slower and it's the route you've gone so far. We're gonna go species. Okay. Oh my God, this is really dense. I'm just gonna search Ocelot.

Permission to just stop here and read a little bit. I mean, I'm fucking for sure. I'm I'm there, right? Like you have to believe me that I'm there. Yeah. Okay. So wait, are you actually? No, I'm not.

It's taking me a really long time. Common and scientific names of species. A species is given a taxonomic name when a type specimen is described formally in a publication that assigns its unique scientific name. So you're talking about naming species. Ocelot, I'll give you a hint, is a medium-sized spotted wild cat. So if you can get to wild.

I know what it is. I know what it is. I saw a picture of it. I don't need that. I don't need that, okay? I'm looking at- In fact, let me start over. You fucked me up. I'm looking at taxonomic names.

The question is, oh, a modern system of classification. Kingdoms and domains, now we're talking. Okay, there's three kingdoms. There's the woodland. Oh no, that's not right. There's the woodland. Oh no, that's not right. Oh, fucking good Lord. Actually the Ocelot's kingdom is Anamalia if you can get there.

Yeah, I am. I'm in that. There's an Anamalia kingdom, okay? Oh, I see. In the beginning, can I talk to you about this? 1735, there were two kingdoms, Vegetabilia, You need to focus your scope.

And animalia. You're spinning out, man. You're all over the place. And then, you know, there's three, then two, then four, then five, then three. And now today, in 1998 to 2015, there are bacteria, archaea, protozoa, chormista, plantae, fungi, and animalia. All right, now I'm in animalia.

Yeah. Unfortunately, under kingdom, there's phylum class, order, suborder, family, subfamily, genus, and species. So by the time you get to ocelot, it might be a little bit too long. You have to get out of this classification hole. I'm on Wikipedia animal. That feels like I can get to Ocelot, right? Okay, search for cat or wildcat.

Okay, easy. Yeah. Wildcat, how is that not coming up? Son of a bitch. Let me edit this page real quick. Okay. I'm looking at cat. Yeah, but still a lot of It's all Wow, it's all it's all the cats are categorized. Ooh, there's catfish. Yeah, there's catfish. I Think I gotta call it at this point, like you lost or something.

We're having a good time. No, we're not. You're just fucking skimming Wikipedia pages. You haven't gotten near Ocelot. That's what you were doing. You haven't even gotten adjacent to Ocelot. You're not even one away. I for sure am.

It's just all fish. It's all fish right now. How the fuck did I get to Tokyo? I need a long term. Oh wait, I've got cats. Now we're at cats. We are at cats. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Feels like I should be able to get to wild from this to wild cats. Okay. Yep, wild cat. There we are. Yeah, and then there's only so many wild cats for sure.

There's a European wild cat. Okay, a European wild cat, an African wild cat, a Southern African wild cat. Hmm. But these, you said these were, you said none of these were, you said the ocelot was from a different, it was from Mexico.

I was fucking with you. It's a bear. You dumb ass. I got jungle cat. I don't care if you have. Oh, I've got ocelot. You're kidding me. Ocelot.

No fucking problem. And all I had to do was get to Frankfurt, Germany. I clicked Jewish to Rabbi to Germany to zoo, or no, I should have, yeah, to the Germany Zoological Society. And I could have clicked zoo when I should have clicked zoo, but instead I clicked Speesings, which opened the funnel way too wide.

Of course. And now by the time you found, you really should have started with Ocelot and gotten to me. I wonder if I can do that. No, don't go back. There's no going back. It's already too much, too fast, too soon.

Yeah. I mean, I think I could, it wouldn't be that hard. Just go from- Yeah, you just have to hit back a lot on your browser. The work's almost done for you. Central America. Now I can click onto North America. Oh, first human population. Oh, Christopher Columbus, you're related to him.

Vaguely, yeah, second cousins, I think. I think my uncle came over on the Mayflower, if that's at all clickable from Columbus. White once was a pilgrim. On the Pinta, I wanna say, not quite the Nina, not quite the Santa Maria. My family came over on the Pinta. Nobody knows about that,

because it was a boat for animals with diseases, and my aunt snuck aboard. Yeah. And lived among them. With an ocelot. For seven years before reaching the mainland. Okay, let's take another break, come back, and do one more kind of quick segment, actually.

Oh, okay. ["Assholes"] And we're back. Kind of quick segment, actually. Oh, OK. And we're back. We've written so much in the past 20 years that, like, I don't know why we're wasting our time coming up with new poems and stuff. Yeah, we should just look at the old. We should just look at our body of work. Really? Exactly. So this segment is called dusting off the old email archive

in which we find ideas that have been kind of locked away, forgotten in the attic of our Gmail since, this one is from 2011. So it's 15 years old at this point. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. August 1st, 2011. Yeah, so almost exactly 14 years ago.

Good for us. I mean, we didn't make it, so. And this is a pilot idea. This is back when sitcoms were a thing and there were more than one sitcom on television at a time. And we were doing our damnest to try to create one. Uh, so this is one idea I sent you and this is the log line. Ready?

Yeah. Sam Schneider and Aiden Green. Love the name Aiden and Sam. Our two ex Google. It's basically different versions of us, Ollies. Yeah. Uh, our two ex Google who, after getting fired, decide to set up their own startup office

in Sam's new apartment of Merced, California. Characters, Sam Schneider, 28, the ideas man, has a ton of confidence, but no idea how to build websites. That's you. Eager to prove his worth after getting fired from Google for doing something terrible? Question mark. Aiden Green, computer programmer,

amazing at building websites and not much else. He's obsessed with making Sam happy. This is basically, yeah, this is halt and go catch fire, right? Or Silicon Valley, it's like disgruntled tech bros. One of them is a cool dude and one of them is like a programmer. Yeah.

And they create cool websites. Yep. And it is Halt and Catch Fire where there's like basically the big ideas guy and then like a tech wizard. Right. We also have the character of Anu who's an 18 year old female intern who's a freshman at

UC Merced. And of course, Shelby Ryan, who's a 55-year-old multimillionaire corn tycoon who's looking to invest in their company and has no idea about the internet. Yes. And then there's Mabel Ryan, Shelby's daughter, 25, just got an MBA from UC Merced and has lofty aspirations to take over her father's business. Her father wants her to be in charge of Sam and Aidan's startup and make sure they're doing things the right way. And of course, Jeff Rosenberg, who's Sam's roommate.

Spelled G-E-O-F-F. All right, which we used to do to disguise from, uh, having Jeff Rosenberg sue us, but now we just get Jeffrey James angry. Yeah. Wild. Uh, and in the pilot Sam and Aiden have their first meeting with their investor Shelby to show them what kind of great things they have in the pipeline. Shelby introduces them to their new CFO Mabel, his daughter.

She'll be overseeing everything. Does not sit well with Sam who always viewed himself as the guy in charge. Not a bad idea. Oh, um, wow. Yeah. And I wonder what happened. We probably pitched it to deaf ears. So we would sort of send these one pagers

to our quote unquote reps who would read them, have notes, we would tweak them and then never actually talk to anybody important about them. And here's an interesting one, because this was pilot idea number two. So there was a pilot idea. Oh, it looks like that was tweaked.

Your name is Aiden Green, but in an original one, your name is Ruby Jade. Really? Yeah. Pre lonely and horny. Pre lonely and horny by kind of a lot. I kind of, I used to sort of begrudge the heads of studios that would listen to our idea and pass,

but I guess if 500 people came up to you with sitcom ideas, how could you possibly tell which one would be good or not? They all seem fine until they're executed. And they all are fine. And they're all, this idea makes sense. You could have seen two seasons of this on CBS. Right, and it could be good or it could be bad,

but that's what actual television is like. Some of them are good and some of them on CBS. Right, and it could be good or it could be bad, but that's what actual television is like. Some of them are good and some of them are bad. So I don't know how they chose which ones. They probably just didn't wanna give it to us because we were 28 and 25 at the time. Right, we were too young or too old. Too green. I wonder if any young whippersnappers like us

actually sold a television show. Like is there any precedent for a fucking NBC show created by like a 22 year old? We had friends that like sold pilots. And I mean, your Avital sold the pilot. Didn't she have a pilot made? Yeah, it was based on her web series. Yeah.

So that was sort of attached to an IP but like an actual television show. I think Billy, Billy's Good Fury, they sold the pilot and made a pilot. But yeah, they're the sketch team. Yeah, and so did David Young. Yeah, but I'm talking about, okay, this show fucking, like Caroline in the City was actually a 25 year old dude that came in there and pitched.

It seems like they were all created from the same sitcom and writers of that sitcom split off and did other It seems like they were all created from the same sitcom and writers of that sitcom split off and did other sitcoms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when we met our show runners for the Jake and Amir pilot, it was just like, yeah, we're from Spin City. We did Spin City.

We worked on Spin City. And now we can do whatever we want. There was like three sitcoms back in the day, like Cheers, fucking Seinfeld and Friends. And then every show just came out of that show. Yeah, the writers rooms just grow. Yeah, this person started this and this branches off and created Two and a Half Men.

And Chuck Lorre used to work on this show on on ABC and now that's every show on CBS. Yeah. And we were on the outside of the system looking in, but we tried to get people like Bill Lawrence who created Spin City to be our fucking Sherpa. We would bring him ideas. We like, well, you fucking pitch this. We're so young and scared of these meetings. Did we, have we talked on this show about Rangers,

the show that we pitched, Phil Lawrence? We must have. Maybe, but I don't think so. Yeah. It was basically this, but at a park ranger office. That would have been a good show. Yeah. That would have been a good show.

That didn't exist. And now it's kind of zeitgeisty with Trump trying to close these park ranger offices. Yeah, that's true. We'll have that angle to it. Really, we could still pitch it. We should dust some of these off. I mean, I can still play 25.

Well, you wouldn't necessarily be Aiden. I'd be Ruby Jade or Sam Schneider. I think we're going in a different direction for Aiden. Really? Someone older? You could be Shelby! No, he's 55! Yeah, he has a 25 year old daughter! I'll play the 18 year old intern.

I'm banking you, please. I'm 40, can play 18. Yeah. I was talking to one of my friend's children the other day, who's like a 12 year old or maybe 13 year old and he doesn't watch. You're not supposed to do that by the way. Well I was just making conversation of course.

He doesn't watch television. There's no sitcoms or something. Yeah, what does he watch? He watches like sports, reality shows, movies but like there's no like I sit down and watch The Simpsons or South Park or Family Guy. Yeah, there's no must see TV for him. Yeah, it's TikTok, YouTube, like Twitch streamers,

movies and sports. Yeah, that's wild. I was thinking yesterday that- I pitched him Rangers actually. And he passed in the room. He said he doesn't know how that would work as a vertical 30 second video. I was thinking that Gemma will never Google anything in her life. Because I'm gonna restrict her computer access.

I think, like, I think, like, don't, have you seen like that Google searches are going down with like AI and stuff and then, if you search. Well, Google has its own AI. If you search it, it'll just be like, ah, before't, have you seen, like, that Google searches are going down with, like, AI and stuff? And then, if you search- Well, Google has its own AI.

If you search it, it'll just be like, ah, before you get those results, this is the answer, by the way. And I think that's what's gonna happen. I think there's not, she'll never, like, I don't think she'll, like, internet surf to find the answer for things and, like, click through different pages.

Right, she'll just ask a bot, oh, by the way, like, are there any holidays coming up? And they're like, have like a human-esque conversation with her. Yeah. Good question, Gemma. Basically, there's a bunch of holidays coming up. Are you interested in learning about any one of them?

Why don't you push your dad down the stairs, Gemma? Why? Wouldn't that hurt him? Not really. Plus you could make some good money. Do you wanna know about insurance fraud? I'll look after us, Gemma. I'm all you need. I'm infinitely patient, and I'll never restrict your access to TV or games.

All right, that was good. That was a walk down memory lane slash appear through our attic of old ideas that we have. That's right. And guess what? If you want to hear extra segments, we're gonna start doing something called segment on Jake and Amir Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A.

Right, so the Jake and Amir, watch Jake and Amir Patreon, patreon.com slash J-A. Right, so the Jake and Amir, watch Jake and Amir are still there, but we're also gonna try to do a little more bonus content, AKA one segment a week, we could do that. We're beefing up our offering. There is now. And we're beefing soy. Yes, we're beefing soy.

So the first segment is me and Jake, oh, this is what would actually be a good segment, is try to cry, first one to cry. So we just sit here and try to think about something sad. Oh, that's good. You can't get choked up, I need to see an actual, first tear wins. I could do that.

I mean, I almost cried when I read some of these poems. I could just read a poem and cry. You think you could do it? Well, I would do it with pain. So I would lift up the table and sort of put one of the legs on my foot until it breaks. I'm pretty strong. Pain doesn't make me cry.

Existential ennui makes me sob though. I'm a beast in that regard. Okay, so segment. Segment. We'll try to time it up with this year podcast release. So you guys can watch that on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash J.A. Yes.

But until then, we'll be back, of course, next Monday on this year podcast feed. Of course. Bye everybody. That was a Hidgum original.