Segments - Testing Testing: Fatherhood

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

Back on a Thursday and testing our ability/knowledge about bringing a human into this world (or not.)Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter,

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Back on a Thursday. It feels good. Yes. It feels right. Yeah. It's been, God, it's been at least, what, a week since the last Thursday episode? I think so. Yeah.

Just about seven days. It's crazy how think so. Yeah, just about seven days. It's crazy how that happens. Yeah. Yeah. Nuts. So in this episode, you have not one, but two? It's a calendar quiz. A calendar quiz for me.

Okay. Let's start with, what, January data trivia. We'll move on to February. No, I have two quizzes, two tests, really, that are on the same subject. I think one is more technical. One is a little more of a feeling type of deal. Uh-oh. Because, yeah, you already gave me an emotional intelligence test,

which was a little too visually stimulating for me, actually. Seeing all those people smiling kind of scared me and put me off. So I'm hoping this one is more auditory slash linguistic based. Let's hear what it is. What's the theme of today's episode? Are you ready to be a dad? Wow. Okay. And this test will let me know that if I am or not? Yeah. It's going to let you know if you're ready to be a father okay and i think it's high time that you dadded yourself what i think i think your this is your responsibility to tell me that this is your decision to make you're dragging your feet i think

it's time you brought another life into the world um This world won't even be here in 40 years. Why would I throw someone into the... Can you imagine what they would feel like when they're my age? I mean, at that point, all the polar ice caps will melt. All of the sea kelp in the ocean will lead to masts. You're sort of proving that you're not. You don't have the wherewithal to be a dad. But let's get into the technical aspects okay dad yeah um okay amir how long would you let your or should you let your

newborn cry at night before picking them up less than one minute five to ten minutes ten to fifteen minutes until they stop wow so i have enough friends with babies that I've been able to ask them some of these questions. This one doesn't sound too, like some of them, you know, they do sleep training. I know for the first three months, you have to literally wake them up every three or four hours and feed them or else they'll be malnourished. That's the hard part. Okay. So this one is maybe more like, they don't want you to like cry and then rush in there and pick them up five to ten minutes feels maybe right or 10 to 15 i've narrowed it down to the middle too because the last one is just ignore them all night right right yeah until they stop

um let's go it's really a coin flip between five to ten ten is a long time for just unadulterated crying but then do you really want them to go for 15 okay five to ten final answer five to ten for the record i think this is way off really yeah i think it's newborn less than a minute they could be dying i see oh that's the answer no. I don't know what the answer is. Got it. Because you're not a father either, right? Yeah, I'm not ready to do that at all. How many times a day does the average newborn need to feed? Oh, I know this one.

Need to feed. I know this one. It's three or four hours. Every four hours is one of the answers. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So you're saying we don't know the answers until the end of the quiz? It seems like it. Okay. All right. Of course, this could easily be one of the answers yeah yeah okay so you're saying we don't know the answers until the end of the quiz it seems like it okay all right of course this could easily be one of those

i try to test the quizzes to see if they're like a um at the end pay for your results or sign up for this newsletter but you know there's no fucking telling anymore yeah at the end it's like all right what's your address and here's can we $80 to let you know if you're ready? Okay. All right. So what's the number one never leave home without item you should bring for an afternoon at the park with your six month old? Wow. Okay. Pacifier. Well, let me give you the answers. Your phone, a muslin or other soft cloth, the video camera, which is, you which is the same as the phone.

Must be an old quiz. A nappy or soft toys. This one seems a little subjective. I mean, I do need my phone. Maybe I need the other shit too. So don't tell me that I don't need my phone. Like, I'm not okay without the phone. And then I just need a nappy.

Is this a fucking quiz brought to you by nappy? One of these answers is your wallet. Yes, I need that. I need the phone. need a nappy is this a fucking quiz brought to you by nappy answers is your wallet yeah yes i need that let's just i need the phone like the everyday carry items will be that's on me i'll have what does the baby need yeah what does the baby need does the baby need a muzzle the baby doesn't need your phone this is sponsored content does it need a muslin yeah i i i guess it needs i guess it needs a muslin or what was the other one? A nappy? Yeah, a nappy.

It seems like it's up to the baby at that point, but I'll go fine. Give me a fucking nappy. Give me a nappy ass nap. Okay, nice. If you want to buy your nine month old new clothes, what size should you buy? Six to nine months, 10 to 16 pounds, 12 to 18 months, or small? Quiz sucks. Quiz sucks. This sucks.

Not you, but the way it's written really pisses me off. You want to buy a six-month-old a gift? Is that what it's saying? You want to buy your nine-month-old clothes. Yeah, so you get a nine to 18 or a small? Yeah, you get 12 to 18, six to nine months, 10 to 16 pounds, or small.

This quiz was written by a newborn. They like don't know how to like write quizzes. Those don't even overlap, right? Like six to nine, or 10 to 16, or 16 pounds, or small. That's right.

There's not an option that is like 10. There's no option of months between 9 to 12. Yeah, there's just a little bit of a gap. I guess you get it a little large and hope the fucker grows into it. And now I'm starting to really resent the accusation that I'm not ready to be a father because I don't think this person's ready to be a quiz.

So 12 to 18 months or 10 to 16 pounds? They are usually expensive. Or $8. Yeah. The months one. The months one. 12 to 18 months. Nice.

What sort of present would your partner-turned-mom appreciate the most? yeah this is this is entirely subjective you don't get to tell me what my mom this is this is a quiz about the relationship has nothing to do i guess it's it's a whole family dynamic what sort of present would your partner turned mom appreciate the most let's hear it an outfit for the baby no bouquet of flowers okay a voucher to pamper herself with a facial massage or manicure and the time off to do it actually to buy the voucher you can spend 80 right now and we'll give you the rest of the quiz plus the results let's go for the fucking voucher to pamper although she would like the flowers

that's also a nice gift don't tell me that it's not this is a i don't even understand what's this is taking the weirdest turn i think i my computer has a virus what what did greco parego and mclaren all have in common? Got it. So now this is just a car trivia quiz. The quiz has gotten bored with itself, and now it's asking me questions about something else. Yeah, they were heroes in World War I, they make pasta and tomato sauce,

they make sturdy pushchairs, or they are makers of fine wine. Let's go for the pushchairs, because maybe that has something to do with children. Oh, that's got to be right. Which one of these should you use to clean your baby's umbilical cord? Oh, my God. Clean the cord?

Yeah, clean the cord. Rubbing alcohol, antiseptic, plain water, or mild underperfumed soap and water, or baby shampoo? I guess baby shampoo because it's already in the name, baby. Baby is in the name shampoo. So give the baby baby shampoo. Which one of these words just doesn't belong? I'm serious. This one shouldn't be here.

Yeah, let's hear it. Dula. Uh-huh. Baby grow. Yep. Pixel. pixel okay or swaddle okay doula i think is like some sort of spiritual helper to help the mommy give birth to the child yeah pixel no idea third one was swaddle last one was swaddle third one was pixel the second one was baby grow baby grow baby grow never heard of that one either um yeah i guess which one doesn't belong i'll say doula and hope that the other three are products oh interesting very interesting definitely wrong but that's a that's an interesting idea.

Yeah, Pixel is not a product. It's just a little dot on a computer screen. That one doesn't belong. Too late. Where should the baby sit in the car when you bring them home from the hospital? On your partner's lap in the back seat? In an infant car seat facing forward in the front seat? In an infant car seat facing backward in the front seat? Or in an infant car seat facing backward in the front seat in an infant car seat facing backward in the front

seat or in an infant car seat facing backward in the back seat backwards in the back seat and by the way i can learn all this stuff so it doesn't mean that i'm not ready to be a father just because i don't know it yet i was ambushed with this quiz for a podcast. The nurse can just give me the heads up if necessary. What should you always bring your partner when she breastfeeds? A glass of water, a magazine. A voucher to get pampered. Her favorite beer or her phone or tablet.

This, I hate, now I hate you you i've moved on from disliking the quiz to hating you for giving it to me yeah totally this this sucks to see it sucks to hear don't tell me what my wife needs when she's breastfeeding this is me passing the quiz you're ready for it that's right this quiz is meant to intimidate and annoy you until you stand up for yourself and your baby. Every good dad has a backbone like that. Yeah, I think my woman needs a beer. A fucking lager while she's breastfeeding our boy. And it is a boy because he drinks Coors Light just like his old

man straight from the teat tap the Rockies brother um what was the last one her phone or tablet you got water magazine beer or phone let's give her a water and if she wants a fucking beer she'll let me know and did i mention she doesn't read magazines and she definitely does not need this google fire tablet that i got as a christmas gift eight years ago and don't know how to turn on anymore instead of a voucher what's the average amount of time it takes for a baby to sleep through the night. Three weeks, three months, 12 months, or two years. I believe this one is three months. Yeah. They call it the fourth trimester.

That sounds right to me. Got to keep the baby alive, awake, and fed for three months. I know that. Baby blues refers to songs women sing in the delivery room. No. A woman's sadness and moodiness after giving birth moodiness that seems a little charged and mean okay yeah definitely well are you being moody right now you're postpartum moodiness you're being grumpy i have a beard and a mag. There is a Vogue and a Heineken. Cheer up, Charlie.

This quiz was written by someone that was not ready to be a dad. The last option is infant Chelsea supporters. Oh, nice. So you got this from like a footballer club blog. Babycenter.co.uk is who wrote the quiz. Yeah. The sadness one after having a baby. Yeah, that makes sense.

Your partner is so sleep deprived that she can't see straight. You. Call your mother. Call my mother or her mother. Call your mother. Uh-huh. Bring her her favorite beer. Is that true?

No, no, no. They're all set up true but they are call your mother ask your mother-in-law to come for a visit offer to do the 2 a.m feeding or hire a night nurse i mean those all sound fine i guess calling your mother doesn't really do anything that's just sort of you letting your own mom know what the situation is you could call her mom but that seems kind of fucked up like hey will you take care of your daughter she can't see straight come get your girl the last two seem great i mean you take care of the 2 a.m feeding she gets to sleep a little more i mean honestly the night nurse also sounds fine because then

somebody else is taking care of not just the two, but the six. Then you can sleep through the night. So three is good, but four is probably better. So hire a night nurse. That's the answer. I mean, I doubt that's their official answer, but that's my answer. But let's go for it. Let's do the 2 a.m. feeding. Then it's like you actually helping.

Okay, gotcha. What's the recommended position for sleeping babies? Tummy, side, back, in their car seat. Tummy, side, back. I believe it's back. I believe it is too. Okay. So thank God we do get the answers.

Oh, Jesus. How did we do? You've got, it looks like, all right, so you got the first one wrong uh it's less than one minute okay you actually got the second one wrong it is 8 to 15 times a day versus every four hours okay um you got the next one right the nappy not a muslin i guess uh-huh you nailed new clothes, 12 to 18 months. Good stuff. Nice. You got the voucher correct. Oh.

Yeah, that's the present. That's good. That your significant other would appreciate. This quiz new. Okay. They make sturdy push chairs. That's what McLaren does. Good stuff.

Nice. You're going to want to clean the umbilical cord with plain water. Interesting. Not even shampoo. Okay. Okay. The word that did not belong was pixel, not doula. Yes.

Infant car seat facing backward on the way home. That's correct. Nice. Not the water when your partner's breastfeeding. Good stuff. Not a beer. Yeah. Average amount of time it takes a baby to sleep through the night was three months.

Indeed. Nailed it. Baby blues was the moodiness. Yep. Offered to do the 2 a.m. feeding. You were right not to hire the night nurse, and the baby sleeps on their back. Oh, so what? Is that 12 out of 15, 11 out of 15?

Yeah, something like that. Does it say whether I'm ready or not? It does not actually got it so i guess jury's still out on that huh i i don't know what a pixel is so i don't know if i'm ready to raise a child you lost your temper a little bit you are not ready let's say you're not ready actually why don't you give me a beer and a voucher we'll take a break and then you can give me another quiz on the other side of these messages. That's perfect. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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it is thanks draft kings and we're returned wow two dads ready to have a chat, ready to have another test. Okay. Right. So now we're doing another are you ready to be a parent quiz, but this seems like it's more about raising than rearing. Those are two different things, right? Raising or rearing? I don't know what the difference is.

Is that the first question? No, no, no. That was just me kind of like making alliteration but got it um so here's the question oh this is like past newborn yeah this is like i think you're like having a teenager or something or a child like a young child okay uh what age do you think it is best to become a parent uh 16 to 20 21 to 30 31 to 45 or 45 plus 21 to 30 i mean 30 feels good because you're still like young enough to um have the energy to deal with it while not being too old what was the one above that uh 31 to 45 that's a wider range so i gotta go for that one just because there's more options in there. Yeah. I mean, this is all so subjective so far. Okay.

Your four-year-old daughter, so congrats, you have a four-year-old, is throwing a fit because you won't let her have three bags of chips at the grocery store. You've given her the option of one bag or leaving empty-handed. She's yelling and stomping by the cash register. What do you do next? I grab her little grubby wrist and I say, listen up, you little shit. Insane. Sorry, I gave you the

option. I gave her the option. That's the first option of this quiz right here. Get a tight grip on her wrist and drag her out of the store while she screams her little heart out and all the other shoppers stand idly by with terrified looks on their faces. That's one of the options. I love that one. But let's hear what the other ones are, I guess.

Buy her the three bags of chips, then on the way home, explain to her that what she did was wrong and temporarily confiscate the chips until she apologizes or until you feel she has understood what she did wrong by that one seems a little extreme buy the chips and give her positive feedback she's just a little girl let her have what she wants jesus christ oh my god this last one is so whisper to her that you hate her and are very, very mad. And that if she doesn't get up right now, she's going to get it when you get home. I honestly like that last one seems pretty fucked up. But like, it's been like, it's been week after week of this shit. And I'm really, I had it up to here with this fucking toddler, really. So I have to what, whisper to her that I hate her because she wants the chips.

God, that's hard. I think I'll go with the second one, which... No, wait. What was the second one? The second one is buy the chips, but explain that she was bad and then temporarily confiscate the chips. That one also doesn't seem great.

That one doesn't seem ideal. None of these seem right. That one doesn't seem ideal. Yeah. But that one feels like, I guess, the least mean, because one of them is to grab her by the wrist, and the other one is to whisper, I hate you. So we're really down to two options. And then the third one is just, like, give in to her, which doesn't feel good either. So let's go for the number two.

Okay, cool. It's Saturday, and you're going out with your little boy you watch from a bench as he runs up and down the slide and plays with his friends then you watch him walk up to a man sitting on the bench across from you uh you run after him and give your son a rerun of the don't talk to strangers lecture in front of the fucking yeah. Watch cautiously and wait until your son has stopped talking to him and continues playing. There are many people around. He wouldn't do anything, right?

Walk casually up to your son and ask him a question or divert his attention. Tell him that you're going to go take him out for ice cream or challenge him to go on the big slide, et cetera. Don't fucking spoon feed me so much of what I have to say to my fucking boy. Just say I can go up to him and talk to him. I don't have to promise

him I scream. I don't have to challenge him to go on the big flag. Hey, buddy, you want to go on the big slide? Don't talk to fucking strangers, Connor. Your dick is out. Last option. Walk up to him quickly and hold him by the ear as you drag him away then yell at him take him home and promise never to take him anywhere again because he's stupid and

he never listens oh my jesus christ i think i'm ready to be at the very least an uncle for for these answers i mean easily you're a better dad than anyone that like wrote these quizzes yeah just the just to be so fucked up that you suggest these things i'm gonna say go up to him divert his attention offer him ice cream and challenge him to go on the slide i mean you're a boy after all you can grow some hair on your chest why don't we play catch todd throwing a toy car at his head wow this is so funny the oh my god you and your spouse are going out tonight and your son alex is going to stay home with bella his babysitter it's another name in everybody yeah you and alex go over the house rules and you leave you come home a few hours later and find that since you left, Alex has not been cooperating and refuses to take part in any of the activities Becca has planned for him, even though you know he loves those games.

Bella has reported that he continuously repeats the phrase, you're not my mom and I don't have to listen to you. What do you do? Option one, dismiss Bella and start looking for a new babysitter it's absurd for her to be making such complaints of a child his age he's only a little boy what was she thinking oh it's always like one terrible thing two fine things and then terrible in the other way for the fourth yeah let's hear it two, have a nice chat with your son and offer him fucking lasagna. Before sending Bella home for the night,

you talk it out with Alex and make sure he understands the problem. Then have him apologize to Bella, promise not to misbehave like that again, and give her a hug before she leaves. Send Bella home for the night with some extra pay and forget this ever happened. He'll grow out of it.

Sincerely apologize to Bella and tell her that you'll take care of the situation. After she leaves, drag Alex to his room by his collar. Oh no. Oh no. Shut the door behind him and let him know who's boss. Yeah. Let him cry himself to sleep

while you yell at him from downstairs yeah i guess uh have a nice talk and make him apologize to the babysitter it's better than dragging him into his room throwing him in there and letting him cry himself to sleep they made i feel like this quiz is going to give a lot of people a false notion that they're ready to be a dad because it's not hard the bar is not high just don't physically and emotionally abuse your child right you've been trying to potty train your son alex uh they they didn't say alex but i just remembered from earlier that that's his name now uh but he still wets his bed how do you react threat him to beat him up every time he wets himself he He'll get the message and try

harder not to have any more accidents this way. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's either abuse or like overindulging him because this next one is start a reward system with him. Reward him for every day that he doesn't have accidents. This way he'll be encouraged to use the potty more often. Oh, that one sounds nice. Drown in a state of depression. Yell in the streets that your child is the devil incarnation and he's going to kill you. That's not true. That's not true. To God, that's what this says.

I can't make it up. Wait, become depressed, cry in the street, and yell to strangers that your son is the devil? Yell in the streets that your child is the devil's incarnation and he's going to kill you. And the last option is try to use reverse psychology on him. Say things like, only little babies wear diapers. Jesus Christ. These boys don't have access. Oh, my God.

This quiz was written by someone who barely made it out of his childhood alive, I guess. Absolutely. Yeah. was written by someone who barely made it out of his childhood alive i guess absolutely yeah um yeah i guess the reward system sounds nice rather than throwing yourself into a fit of depression and yelling to strangers that you're you gave birth to damien the son of satan all right reward system it is um it's dinner time and your daughter won't eat she was eating chips just moments before you got her three bags for christ's sake how is this my problem and you've taken them away from her because it was time to eat dinner she says she doesn't want vegetables she just wants her chip back chips back what do you do this is pick her up and drop her on her bed

lock the door and leave her in her room without dinner for the night then go back downstairs and eat your dinner peacefully while in the distance your daughter is screaming and banging on the door it's quite enough actually i don't want to hear this shit anymore it's such a i don't want to abuse this child it's like you know that the fucking this is the wrong answer based on the first three words of it like yes don't touch her don't throw her don't yell at her sentence it includes something you do after you've done the wrong thing uh tease her about her muscles and tell her that the only way she'll ever be strong is to eat her vegetables then race her saying that you want to eat them so you can be stronger and let her beat

you to them ignore her and don't give her any attention it's happened before if you don't give into her she'll eventually give up and realize that she's hungry and will join you at the dinner table negotiate with her tell her she can have this many chips if she eats this many vegetables Let's do the negotiation one. Yeah, I think so. That one seems nice. God, this is such a long question. It's a Thursday. Your spouse is away, and you have an essay due Friday that you need to finish.

Last time you checked up on your daughter, she was sitting at the dining room table coloring in her new Barbie coloring book. You've only been away from her for 30 minutes at a time. While you were working, you heard a loud crash like glass shattering. You run down the stairs and find your daughter standing in the middle of the room nervously with her hands in her pockets when you ask her what happened she refused to say a word you hunt around the house and can find no sign of anything missing or out of place you're on the verge of tears you're growing insane looking Throwing insane, looking for glass. And surely no broken glass. What do you do? Wait until your spouse comes home and then explain the situation.

Then call her over and talk to her as if you already know what happened. Did you break it or did it fall? Why didn't you tell me? Can you show me where you were standing when it happened? And from that, you will find out where it is and what broke. Sit down on the ground and cry like your life is over jesus christ stop it absolutely stop it this is not that kind of big of a deal you don't have to fucking call your kid the devil you don't have to break down in tears

oh my god. Threaten to beat her up if she doesn't tell you what happened right now. Threaten to what? And lastly, beat her up. Calmly explain to your daughter that you are not upset and the importance of her telling you what happened. Now I know something

broke, but I don't know where it is, so I can't clean the mess. Do you want mommy and daddy to come home later and accidentally step on the glass that would really hurt right etc let's go which one was the one that threatened to beat her up no actually let's do the last one yeah let's do the last one then okay um let's do the last one then. Okay. This is truly wild. All right. Your best friend is a kindergarten teacher.

She asks you to come in and help her out one day, and you've agreed. She tells you to watch the class as she goes out to pick up some things for the kids. What an insane situation. This would never happen. While she's gone, one child comes up to you and tells you every little thing that everyone else is doing how will you deal with it um explain the difference between telling and tattling telling is what you do when someone needs something when someone needs to be told if someone is being hurt or made fun of or having something taken away from them that's when you're supposed to tell but tattling is different tattling is when you tell on someone for no reason like if joshua yeah no we get it we know what tattling is quiz you tell on someone for no reason like if joshua yeah no we get it we

know what tattling is quiz that's too long of an answer choice insane um this next one is the first time it's something that's written in all caps uh it says look kid i don't care what he's doing if you come up here one more time i'll dot dot guess that's another one. Where did you find this quiz? What website is this? This is not okay. It's called gotoquiz.com slash are you ready to be a parent one. Jesus, one? There's more than this?

It's one of a hundred. Yeah. Michael, if you tell on someone again today, you're going to have to sit in the red chair by yourself and you can't play any more games not the red chair please no not the red chair run around the classroom like a

four year old with your hands over your ears yelling I can't hear you la la la honestly they all sounded pretty bad to me now that they're done was it the first one the first one sort of went on for a while but maybe it was fine just explaining the difference between telling and tattling yeah that one seems nice right um okay we have five five questions. Jesus Christ, okay.

You and your daughter have just left the corner store. She was there seeking chips. This little chip fiend. Is that true? No. Jesus. You and your daughter have just left the corner store, and you surprise her with a candy bar you bought for her.

You expect her to get excited, but she doesn't. She pulls two chocolate bars out from her pocket and says that she already has some. When you ask her where she got it, she answers... Stepdaddy gave them to me. He lets me have all the candy. And you think I'm Satan. The store has a lot of them. You know now that she stole

them. How do you react? You know now. It's official. She basically owned up to the heist just read the bad one i guess because that's the most entertaining option yeah um okay i guess this one seems like it's also pretty bad talk to her about stealing and how bad it's a bad thing to do and that thieves go to jail and make her feel bad about it then have her go back to the store apologize to the man behind the register yada yada yeah uh take the chocolate bars from her and yell at her for embarrassing you like that then while she's crying pickle pick her up and buckle her into her car

seat call her names and cuss at her on the way home jesus christ that's an awesome move tell her that it was stupid of her to go and do something like that and then leave a $5 bill in the window of the store, then go home. Try to cover it up and to not make a scene of it that you're not faced with the embarrassment of a daughter who steals chocolate bars. Jesus Christ. Yeah, let's go with the first one. The one that's not calling her names and cursing at her, obviously. Walk past him while he's eating his favorite kind of candy and emphasize how good it is. Then when he asks for some, tell him no and explain to him that you don't like to share. He will bring up the fact that sharing is a good thing to do and then you make your point. But you didn't share at the park, did you?

Oh my God, so fucking manipulative. Take all of his toys away from him and give them away to the other children at the park. Tease him and laugh at him because he has nothing. No. Stop it. Enough. You're being too mean. The writing on this is amazing.

It's so creative. Ignore it and he'll be fine and the other kids okay too. Yell, hey hey that's rude uh yeah i mean the last one's not great either but yeah i mean it's certainly the less of all the evils right i guess it feels like they want the right answer to be this weird fucking fucked up manipulative one the first one but oh right forgot about that one yeah i think these are all wrong uh do you want to say the uh walk past him with his favorite kind of candy bar and say that you don't share either or do you want to say yell hey that's rude uh let's go the first one

okay hey that's rude it's like what you do to a stranger, a fully grown man. Hey. Right. If someone steals your toy. All right. Come back here. Today after school, you went to your child's school to pick them up. You showed up a bit early, so you were just watching the class as they were packing up their things and getting ready to go home. On the side, you can see your son and two of his friends playing with one of the class toys, a green dinosaur.

And then you see that your son has pushed one of the other boys to the ground and took the toy from him what would you do similar to the last one um hold him by the ear and yell at him until you reach the car ask him why he did it explain there's no good reason to hit anyone and make him apologize make him apologize and tell him that he's grounded and he cannot play any of his games for a week. Hit your head against the wall and cry because the world is ending. You made this quiz. It's obvious now.

You're trolling me into making this emotionally manipulative, fucked up quiz. At this point, it's going to be really interesting if you don't get 100%. I want to see what one we could have possibly gotten wrong. Well, some of them are kind of debatable in that they're all pretty bad. But yeah, there's usually one option choice per question that should land you in jail, honestly. At the very least, yeah. Definitely at least one that lands you in jail honestly at the very least yeah definitely at least one that lands you in jail

and then it but this quiz at the very least has like one answer that it seems pretty obvious they want you to choose yeah so i'd be surprised if we didn't at least get that anyway what do you want to do hold him by the ear ask him why he did it no make him apologize no games or hit your head against the wall let's go make him apologize because hitting your own head against the wall doesn't sound like a great idea either wait actually the two of these make have make him apologize one is asking why he did it explain there's no good reason to hit anyone then make him apologize the other one is make him apologize and tell him he's grounded um i guess the first one that way you're like sort of explaining something rather than punishing

it's nearly 9 30 at night you tell your son to brush his teeth and get ready for bed he cries and begs for more time then says it's not fair i'm not tired and how come you don't have to go to sleep answer him with because then all caps so it's because dot dot dot all caps i'm big and you're small agree to start going to sleep at 9.30 every day. Explain to him that you're already grown up so you don't need as much time to sleep as he does and that he needs to sleep so he can grow

or scold him for even asking such a thing. Let's explain to him shit rather than scolding him more. So yeah, he needs it so he can grow, I guess. I gotta say, I would be very, I don't think I'll be able to resist the temptation when I'm a dad to say things like, because I'm big and you're small. I'll have to just say it under my breath. Well, it's easy to say what you'll do, but I think when you're sort of sleep deprived, annoyed and angry, people sort of resort to less than ideal measures i keep hearing stories from my friends that are like i'm a pretty level-headed guy but then i saw my kid do something

really fucked up and like it made me want to like i don't know like they said lift him up and put him onto a bed hard or yell or raise my voice or grab him or do something bad yeah definitely um okay you and your son are having a good day no problem so far this kid is the devil's incarnation as as we have established yet suddenly he has a mood swing and feels like like not listening to you he ignores everything you say and denies anything that is deniable and says i don't have I don't have, I don't have any, I don't have to do anything for you. Whenever you tell him to do something, what do you do? Give him the silent treatment and isolate him. Do the same thing right back at him. Send him forcibly if necessary to his room and tell him that he cannot come out until he's sorry.

Start wrecking the house and throwing things, because life is not worth living anymore. This guy wants to kill himself, it seems. So, don't blame your kid. You're, like, obviously dealing with your own shit. Yeah, this is such a fucked up family situation. What was the nice one? The one with the explanation and the sort of taking it easy,

not the one where you threaten to kill yourself in front of your child. There actually really isn't one. It's give him the silent treatment and isolate him. Do the same thing right back at him. Send him forcibly, if necessary, to his room and tell him he cannot come out until he's sorry. Those are the other three um god i mean the silent treatment doesn't seem good either yeah but the other stuff feels so bad yeah i mean the other things are like obviously wrong so let's go silent treatment and just hope for the best yeah you got a 96%. Jesus Christ. Is that the one where I said I would hit my head

and pass out in front of my four-year-old if she stole chips? It doesn't say, it does not say. It doesn't say which one you missed. That's a bad quiz. Nor should it. Because it doesn't let you learn. Okay, but yeah, you did kick ass that's nice um yeah thank you i think god i think i'm ready to be a father like i know

that you're not supposed to call your kid the devil and you're not supposed to sort of hit them until they faint. And I think that's all it takes, right? And yeah. And knowing what the baby blues are and remembering to bring a nappy to the park. Yeah. It's really all about bringing a nappy. You know, I think I'm not ready to be a father, but then I look around and I think most people aren't ready and they a lot of them already have children so i guess maybe i'm being too hard on myself you know what yeah definitely

i think i mean i got a fucking 96 for crying out loud pretty good it's pretty damn good check back in with me in nine months when i'm delivering at home my boy and i'm giving my mom a fucking beer and a magazine mazel man fucking mazel thank you thank you for giving me the nudge i needed and thanks to you guys for listening to another bonus testing testing episode of this year program oh yeah um our first jake and amir went up uh recently so check that out at jakeandamir.com new one new new episode i should say damn right it's been a minute been a while it's been a minute check it out uh and until uh monday we'll be back on monday soon enough so uh see you guys soon good shit all right bye bye that was a Hiddem original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick

between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today.

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