Segments - Testing Testing: Psychopath Test

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

Back on a Thursday and Jake is testing Amir's emotional IQ. Then a few ink blot tests to determine whether or not Amir is a psychopath so he can stay far away from him just in case.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Hell yes. Nice. This is an official tradition at this point. This will be our third testing, testing Thursday bonus episode. I think it's four is it four but who's counting i mean clearly not me uh this one's kind of a special one because it is your birthday as well on august 5th episode of our podcast actually that actually is a pretty big deal yeah i assume so this in this week um you're going to be testing me on something. Last week, I gave you a porn quiz.

You did pretty well. But not too well to the point where it was embarrassing. It was normal. The week before, you gave me a scuba quiz. And then the first week was me giving you a spelling bee. That's right. So I'm really curious to find out. I still don't know what you're going to be testing me on today.

Yeah. Well, because people often talk about you as if you are a robot, you know that reputation that you have, aside from chipmunk. Yeah. Emotionless, never feel high, never feel low, middle of the road. So we are going to be giving you an emotional intelligence test. Wow. Okay. I didn't know that such a thing existed. Now I'm feeling kind of, oh, oh, you just shared your screen with me and I'm starting to get freaked out. You can, so you can see, you see what I see.

The reason I had to share my screen is because this test has images that we'll have to describe to people. I see. Okay. Okay. So we're going to test your emotional intelligence. Facial expressions are a universal language of emotion. How well do you read other people?

Oh, interesting. Well, I think this is, I'll be good at this because much like the Terminator, I'm able to sort of read facial cues and sort of analyze them in real time. So you see this face? Yep. Yep. Yep. It is a woman who's...

Well, actually, I'll let you describe... Well, no, I can do that. All right. So, yeah, she's smiling. Her eyes are open. She's staring at you. It's not a wide smile, but it's a tooth smile. And we're asking, this face is expressing flirtatiousness, interest uh-huh happiness right or politeness

wow okay well i i fear to guess flirtatiousness just on on a yeah on a standard rule i'm like i can never just assume someone's flirting with me so i can eliminate that one but the difference between all of those and politeness is very severe you like, like... Yeah. She's... I can't, I mean, this is, ugh. This is almost like a test of this lady's acting ability, too. Like, what if she's trying to pull off politeness, but it's actually happiness? Or interest.

Yes, you're instantly putting if you get it wrong on her. That's good. Yes, this is her fault. But I guess, I mean, it's... Any smile could be happy. Like, you could be interested and also happy or polite and happy. Politeness? I don't think so.

Interest? Maybe. I'll go fucking middle of the road. Let's just start with a softball. Happiness. Feeling happy. Correct. Yes! all happiness feeling happy correct um yes and this quiz uh says that you can tell by uh the

muscles tightening around the eyes pouching yeah of the lower eyelid and the lips the corners of them are pulled up and that's what we would call in the industry a smile no i know i know what a smile is yeah i get it all right i see. I think I was almost overthinking this quiz. Yeah, this next person is clearly angry. He's expressing. He's an Asian man, and he looks really mad at me. His eyes are narrowed. Okay, so he's sadness, pain, anger, or disgust.

You think anger? Yeah. Okay. That is correct. Yeah, I nailed it. Being you've got the muscles contracting to furrow the brow. Okay, next guy. This guy is, he's got a middle part.

He looks to be a little older than me. He looks kind of like me. He looks like your older cousin. Yeah. He's wearing a black turtleneck. Yeah, this is Barry Hurwitz. He's sort of demure eyes closed smiling right and is he expressing embarrassment sadness amusement or shame wow well he's smiling so

it can't be sadness amusement feels weird because his eyes are closed and his head is cocked to the left it could be shame he sort of feels bad about himself. Or embarrassment. What's the difference between those two, really, if you were to describe shame or embarrassment? It seems like those are very close. Yeah, but I think embarrassment is a little more lighthearted. You can laugh at yourself when you're embarrassed. Yeah.

Ugh. There I go again. Silly old me. Yeah. Shame is... Shame is, like, deep. I have something fundamentally flawed inside me, Yeah. Shame is... Shame is like deep. It's I have something fundamentally flawed inside me, and I feel this sense of anger guilt towards something.

Which Barry might have, but is he expressing that now? I don't know. He's smiling with his mouth closed, so I'll go embarrassment. All right. That is correct. Nailed it. Yeah. Head moves down into the side. You know, I sort of use these context clues

when I play poker as well. So I have been training for this kind of the last 20 years. Oh, that's interesting. That's very interesting. Reading people. If they're nervous, they might be bluffing. And if they're confident, they're just sort of cool and collected and they have a good hand and this and

actually that brings us to our next lady um who is expressing um maybe pride contempt excitement or anger what yeah this is the lady with the poker hand this is the lady who was smiling earlier and i said she was happy now she's sort of mouth closed head cocked back like telling me what up like what's up yeah she's not excited or angry and she might she's either pride proud pride or contempt contempt i think she's proud she's sort of like half smiling of you yeah and that is correct wow head tilt back thrusted chin and corners up in a slight smile all right i'm kicking ass at this you really i am emotional oh wow here's this guy's also in a black turtleneck.

Yeah, I guess maybe they all are. I didn't see the last person. No, I've been looking at their faces. Yeah. Do you think this guy's expressing fear, interest, surprise, or compassion? This is classic surprised. Mouth agape, eyes open. And did I mention a black turtleneck?

Yeah. Correct. Absolutely correct. Our jaws drop when we're surprised, but our lip corners go sideways when we're afraid, making the emotion look tighter. I mean, I didn't know that. That's interesting.

That's interesting. Of course, eyes go wide when you're surprised. This is one of the easiest ones. I can't believe there's 15 more. With the mouth not tightening. Yeah. Oh, this lady, what is she? Also in a black turtleneck yeah black turtleneck she just fucking crop dusted uh a yard sale she's giving us the side eye yeah she's giving us the side eye her mouth is closed and she's mad at me i'm gonna go with disgust disgust versus not sad yeah contempt is like what like

you're kind of unhappy about something that's happening yeah it's kind of like disgust light yeah okay incorrect it was it is contempt yeah she's not quite disgusted with us yet lips tighten on one side of the face but not the other if the tightening were on both sides Discontempt, yeah. She's not quite disgusted with us yet. Lips tighten on one side of the face, but not the other. If the tightening were on both sides of the face, the person could be swallowing or salivating. Am I disgusted, or do I just see a hamburger? All right.

Whoa. Oh, yeah. This is the angry Asian guy from earlier, but his tongue is out. That's the only difference. Right. Anger, pain, disgust. Now, this guy's disgusted. That's the face he's doing. The tongue out.

Yeah. I'm curious to read why the tongue goes out. People often confuse disgust and anger, but anger tightens the mouth and lowers the eyebrows more significantly and raises the upper eyelid. With disgust, the mouth opens and the tongue comes out, just in case you need to throw up. Jesus, that's really disgusting. That's interesting. Oh, here we go.

Oh, yeah. All of these people look like they are smelling a fart. Yeah. This quiz could also describe the type of fart these people are smelling. This lady has given us the side eye with a smile. She's sort of like, who, me? Oh, that's really funny. Maybe playfully touching my elbow.

She's being flirtatiousness. Although one of the options is love. So I'll go flirtatiousness. Although one of the options is love. So I'll go flirtatiousness. Although it might be love. There's also desire. Yeah, these are all kind of similar. These are all kind of like come hither looks. Yeah, flirtatiousness.

Flirtatiousness, yeah. Head turns to the side. What conveys flirtatiousness is when someone turns his or her head away to signal, I'm not interested in you, but simultaneously makes eye contact. That's a universal display that reflects the ambivalence of flirtation. The flirter avoids and approaches someone at the same time. Yeah. I think this is, I mean, this is like a quiz for sociopaths. I can at the very least fake my way through this, answering these questions.

All right. This lady looks like she swallowed something terrible, like a pill is not going down properly. And I'm supposed to guess whether this face is expressing shame, anger, sadness, or pain. Right. She looks like she's like mid-swallow, can't look up at anything it's going down wrong i'm gonna go with pain yeah pain okay that's correct all right yes i'm nine of ten right now that's pretty good not bad at all this guy it's back oh barry's back your cousin's back. Yep. Fully looks constipated. Eyebrows up. Forehead wrinkled. Lips pursed.

Nostrils flared. Is Barry expressing compassion, sadness, anger, or interest? He honestly looks like he's trying desperately to take a shit, and it's not coming out. So I guess that's compassion. He feels bad for us. Oh, like that kind of face, but oh a little bit too that's it's correct but i definitely very did he's not the strongest performer oh here we go black turtleneck is back as always this lady is head back cracking up she's her mouth is open her eyes are lit up

same lady as she's smiling actually Yes, and she's amused. And so you've engaged. Absolutely amusement. Yes. Totally. We've seen that one before at the live shows. Oh, yes. People are happy to be here.

Oh, this one's interesting. This is very subtle. They're getting a little more subtle. Yeah, the lady who couldn't swallow is now just staring at me with her eyes open almost in a way that's saying are you for real are you really saying that right now isn't that surprise none of these are none of these are what i'm gathering so i'm supposed to guess whether it's surprise interest desire or happiness happiness we saw already there's no smile interest this one looks more

skeptical desire definitely not and not surprised so i think just by process of elimination i'm gonna go interest yeah i think so too that's correct yeah and and it's the slight for uh forward tilting of the head and the face. That was the telltale sign. It's the slight forward tilting for me. Oh, Barry is back, and he is sad. He was just there for the day, right? This is Barry. You're overdoing it, Barry.

Barry looked like he's just absolutely droopy, sad. Barry is sad. He's very expressive. Yeah, definitely. Okay. Oh, wow. Oh, dear God. droopy sad very he's very expressive yeah definitely um okay oh wow oh dear god oh painful to swallow lady and happy lady is back and she is licking the corner of her fucking mouth yeah staring at me so the options gotta be desire or just, yeah. There's no other one. Come hither. Yeah, for sure.

Yes. That's correct. And their note is open mouth with tongue sticking out. Like, yeah. It's got to have the tongue. You need the tongue to stick out. The mouth is probably so strongly linked to desire because of the connection to kissing. That's right.

That's right. That's right, quiz. Good job, Berkeley. Thank you. I actually made this quiz when I was a sophomore in sociology. Oh, dang. This guy looks sad.

Yeah, he's sort of looking down at the ground, mouth closed, wondering what the fuck went wrong. He was hired to be an actor and now he's taking photos for this really rudimentary quiz and he's not happy about it i'm gonna go with i mean it could be sad it could be embarrassment or shame really i guess i'll just go with he's not making eye contact with me so maybe i'll do shame

nice avoid the gaze i'm glad you're starting to pay attention to more than just the mouth. Yeah. And that is correct. Yeah. Eyes looking downward. Yep. The expression is frequently confused with sadness, but shame doesn't involve the muscle movement of the sad face. The eyebrows pulled in and partly up with the lip corners moving down. That's,

that's sadness. That's interesting. Sadness is like, if nobody comes to your birthday tomorrow that'll be sadness but like if you cause them all to leave because of your nasty behavior that's shame right it's exactly it it's exactly it you know i wouldn't be frowning if that had happened you know we have a new person here who is expressing. This is just a random 14-year-old they threw in. The photo is smaller than everybody else. She's still in the black turtleneck, of course.

And she's giving one of the worst smiles I've ever seen. It's like kind of askew, barely teeth, kind of not. If this is happiness, you got to find a new actor. You have to find a new actor it's got to be politeness because the lips aren't actually core like it's not actually curved up into the smile yeah she's just sort of being like smile actually thank you dipshit hi that's this is basically just making a face that says like hey yeah hey. Yeah. It's all about politeness, yeah. All right. Correct, yeah. The muscles remain relaxed in the eyes.

Look at that. This is a non-Duchenne smile. They got names for this shit. Wow. Oh, this guy's being coy. He's looking down and to the left, smiling, touching his cheek, almost asking for a kiss or something like that we've already done sadness shame and embarrassment so is this is this

love is this love i would not have guessed it but it has to be just by process of elimination incorrect it's embarrassed he's embarrassed why he happy? He's kind of smiling. I guess love and embarrassment are very similar, right? Are they? I mean, embarrassment, you can smile through embarrassment. All right, I think we have two more. Oh my god. Barry is back and he just sucked on a lemon. His eyes are fully closed. His mouth is purs pursed his face is being sucked inward towards the middle of his head that is i don't know i guess either pain or disgust but let's go pain it looks like he just stubbed his toe yeah good up that's a good move by barry um okay this is

the last question i believe holy shit okay this lady is just smiling at me. She's just happy. It's either satisfaction, flirtatiousness, love, or compassion. Let's go compassion. That's a new one, and it looks like she feels a little bit happy or sad for me. I thought Barry showed you compassion. I think it's love. Oh, wait.

Yeah, we never did love. I forget. We guessed love, but it was wrong. So, this lady is in love with us, for sure. That's probably the hardest one to convey. They're like, show me love. I bet she like kind of cried a little bit for a second. Cause it's just beautiful.

And yep. Correct. Love. That's nice. Yeah. Um, okay. Your score,

uh, nice work. You seem naturally well attuned to others, emotions, a vital skill for forming compassionate connections. You scored well above average, but still have room for growth. Research suggests that people can improve their emotions.

I blame the actors. Recognition skills with practice. I obviously blame the actors. Yeah, so keep an eye out for our forthcoming empathy training tool designed to boost your emotional intelligence. Very cool. Fuck that. Now I'm angry and disgusted at the quiz. empathy training tool designed to boost your emotional intelligence very cool fuck that now i'm angry and disgusted at the quiz so i actually and now to find out if you are a sociopath i have

another i have a sociopath test that we can take after the break okay great thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

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Pretty much. You're now giving me a test to see if I'm an emotionless sociopath, which is basically, you know, someone that just feels nothing. I remember reading like an explanation of it is like if somebody dropped to their death right in front of you, you'd wonder like if you could have their shoes or something like that. Yeah. So you're just completely unfazed by extreme things in front of you. I think I'm probably close on the sociopath scale oh interesting okay

uh all right so this is what a sociopath test you're giving me yeah this it's um and it's i guess it's like a police test maybe that see if you're psychotic it's a rorschach or it's a rorschach test is what it is um so I've shared my screen again. What you need to do is memorize the image that is in front of you. Yeah, which is like an ink blot and it sort of looks like a bat that's flattened with ink. Okay, nice. That's actually great because now we have a list of things that you will choose that it resembles. I see. we have a list of things that you will choose that it resembles. I choose what would be the best description of the image you just saw and

market in the column. First, if there's a bad as one of them. Yeah. That fits well to market in column two. So you think it was basically a bat? I do think it was a bat. And number two,

I'll go a pelvis. Oh, nice. And yeah. Okay. And you don't have to say anything after if you want to you can okay all right so here's another yeah this is a very visual test this is like a real visual quiz perfect for a podcast okay so right now we're seeing uh it looks like a clown sort of wiped his

face on a napkin and that's what i'm seeing here as the image okay all right so now we have a bunch of options here we've got like a bug someone stepped on oh look at that two clowns is one of them what really yeah two clowns wow look at that yeah that's fun all right so that's the one is there anything else? I'll go black and red for number two. You can kind of see which one's the psychopaths. Yeah. Because one of them is a bloody spinal column. Trust me, I know what that looks like. I've seen it and I felt nothing. Also, one of the answers is always nothing at all.

If you're saying nothing at all to every question on the rorschach test then you are guilty yeah all right memorizing this image here this looks like two ladies with their butts out sort of at a pottery wheel and yeah there's a red bow tie between them for some reason all right the options two birds meet in a butcher shop two men part of my body red and black a colored butterfly spots of blood and paint monkeys hanging by their tails a red bow tie nothing at all and something not listed here i'll go meet in a butcher shop and spots of blood uh yeah i didn't see any of this stuff. I saw, I guess I saw two men more than anything. I thought it was two ladies at a pottery wheel.

So I'll go two men and then that's it. Red bow tie. No, no. Okay. Here's another one. Another Rorschach. This one looks like, I see the head of a dragon at the bottom

and a turkey. It's sort of like a Thanksgiving turkey turkey but where the ass would be it's the head of a dragon so let's see where it goes all right head of an animal nice lungs and chest a nasty mess a pair of boots black smoke and dirt nothing at all a man in a fur coat, super creepy, an animal skin, a big gorilla, an x-ray picture, and something not listed. Ooh. So let's go number one, head of an animal, number two, a big gorilla.

Cool. Very cool. But it really looked like a turkey to me. All right. This one, again, it just looks like a bat that's flattened maybe a moth or a butterfly and oh look at that a bat or a butterfly oh number one yeah nothing else that's the one this one is weird this one looks like a maple leaf that's flattened and then the top of it is a stick uh okay so i see a leaf but i also see like kind of a spine like the two muscles on the other side of a spine all right let's move on

to the possible option choices x-ray crowns no no no a turtle i don't think so. I saw a leaf. A maple leaf. Let's go nothing at all. Whoa. Oh, no, actually, something not listed here. Okay, that's nice. If it doesn't look like anything, then you really do have a problem. This one looks like nothing to me. It looks like, I don't know, a semi-circle. You don't see, like, two old ladies kind of kind of like bumping bellies in a dance circle

yeah maybe but then they have no legs oh yeah it's sort of like when my dog is like dragging his body this is like what his legs look like so it's just like two legs sort of flared out smoker clouds two women talking that was one of the nice ones. Part of my body, animals or animal heads, nothing at all. A map, dirty ice and snow, lamb's tail, an x-ray picture, bookends. I'll go nothing at all for this one. This one felt like nothing to me. You actually did say that.

All right. Oh, this one's a real colorful. It's not just black and white we got we got some real colors and it looks like a fish flayed out almost like the x-ray of a fish or uh the top of a skull like looking down on someone their skull so like the nose is at the top top of a skull very sociopathic actually yeah horseshoe pink blue andeshoe, pink, blue, and orange. I did notice the colors. So let's choose pink, blue, and orange.

That's number one. You did notice that first. Yeah. And one of the options is fire and ice, life and death. So yeah, not that. Let's go second one is parts of my body. It looks kind of like an x-ray. Oh, wait.

An x-ray is one of them. Oh. X- oh yeah x-ray picture nice okay wow this one's very beautiful looks like a watercolor you'd hang this in your house yeah but again the actual shape is nothing it's just a random blot i don't see anything here all I see colors. Nothing at all. Seahorses, lobsters, flowers, parts of my body, smoke, flames, deer, horns of a deer. I see nothing but hate, greed, animus, anger, desire. Why does nobody want me, love me? I'll say nothing at all but again this is painting me into some sort of sociopath this one's a very colorful looks like uh a beautiful uh parisian landscape we got the eiffel tower at the top it kind of

looks like a chinese new year just like like nice brightly pattern. I don't know what I would see here. Oh, look at this, a Chinese print. Nailed it. Nice. A Chinese print, and then I see what they're trying to lead me to, parts of my insides. No, I don't think it looks like parts of my insides. Now I'm getting angry that the quiz is sort of trying to harass me. Okay. All right. That's your, that is the quiz is sort of trying to harass me. Okay. All right. That is the quiz. Okay. And now we have to take a little survey. Hold on.

To see. Oh, I see. So it's asking me for my demographic information. Demographic survey so they can sort of get their own data from us. I'm not putting it in my fucking email. I'm filling it out so honestly. All right. Your results. Your score is four out of ten meaning you selected four answers that are commonly given by individual with some psychological disturbance not really erickson used four or more poor answers as the criteria

for a cognitive cognitively disturbed individual I don't think so. I'm actually not really cognitively disturbed. I mean, one of them did look like a dead animal. I'm not saying that. I'm obsessed with that idea. You actually did pretty badly. Most people only answer two questions like that. Oh, I changed my answer then. I don't see the Chinese print. I don't see nothing at all. I think it was the nothing at all. It was when you were seeing skulls and nothing. That's the danger.

This fucking quiz set me up to fail. And so did you. Well, you aced the first one. That's good. So I have high emotional intelligence and I'm also a fucking psychopath. Yeah. All right. So, okay. So how would you, you know, what would you categorize me as having taken these two tests? Would you say that's an accurate representation of me? I mean, clearly not, right? I get what's going on. I'm emotionally intelligent. I'm not insane. I think you're a disturbed individual.

I don't think so. I'm happy. happy go lucky actually really you're but right now you're smiling and you're laughing but your eyes aren't actually wrinkled so it's you're actually just being polite and now i could fucking strangle you yeah i could kill you turn on a dime fucking strangle you. Yeah, I see. I could kill you. I know you were going to. Turn on a dime. Fucking mad at you. Why wasn't I invited to your fucking birthday party? You can cut me some shit. You can cut me some shit. I'll fly in.

I'll fly in right now, because I don't really understand emotional cues. And actually, when I look at you, all I see is meat and bone. Yeah. It's very big. All right. Yeah. It's very big. All right. Sweet. That's our quizzes. That's our testing, testing bonus Thursday episode for today.

That's right. We'll be back next Thursday with another quiz for you. Actually, I think you're going to really hate the next quiz because it's going to be all about how fucking messed up you are. I didn't design this quiz for you to hate. I designed it for you to pass. You showed everyone you were psychotic. Starting to fucking bleed out of my nose. My God.

And of course, we'll be back on Monday with our 500th episode of If I Were You. Oh my good Lord. She. She. See you guys soon. Later. That was a Hiddem Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

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