Segments - Yes Dude (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: February 15, 2016

Comedian/Friend/Lover Ben Schwartz joins us on this milestone episode to discuss DM's, Snapchat, and sitcoms. This episode is brought to you by Ring.com, BlueApron.com, and MeUndies.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. If I were you, if I were you, here's what I would do, what I would do. Well, if I were you, I'd ask if I were you, sure that I could. If I were you, sure that I could. Ah, very nice. I'm gonna die. dear Theodore yes dude yes dude you're back guess who's back back again

bagels and lox are back tell a friend this is a commercial for bagels and lox hey sir what would you like to eat I don't know I want carbs and fish well I got a beautiful mix and match for you. All right. Here's a pizza mazot.

I guess there's not a lot of carbs and mazot. No, yeah, not a lot. Although, it is kind of like a Jewish sushi. What? Like salmon and rice. The Jewish equivalent is lox on bagel. Oh, I guess, right? Circular.

Seems like you've thought about that for a while before throwing that gem in there. Ben Schwartz in the house. Hey! Yes, dude! That lasted so much longer than I thought it would. Same with me, by the way. I had to commit far longer than I wanted to. At one point, the noise started coming out of your ass,

which is pretty cool. Those are really great socks, man. I got them yesterday. I did a television program, and then they gave me these socks why? because they're great what do you give me when I do your thing? I get your socks

can I have your socks? yes of course I hate that I brought the ones that I just got yesterday so sick Jake true or false we've shared clothes before true

Jake true or false we've swapped shirts before yeah you currently have a shirt of mine and I currently have a shirt of yours. That's pretty fantastic. A nice gray shirt. Do you still wear that shirt? I think so. Why did you switch shirts?

I think one of my shirts got stained here, didn't it? You were sweaty, and you had to go to a show. Yes, I was sweaty. We had done something athletic, and I was sweaty. Like played NBA Jam for two hours. Yep. And then my gray shirt was sweat through, and Jake was like, I had that same exact shirt. And then Jake came down with the cheapest version of that shirt I've ever seen in my life.

That is not true. 100% true. That is not true. It looked like a series of ants made it. And then I said, how about this? You take this one, which is far nicer, and I'll take your terrible terrible one. It was an American Apparel shirt. Nope. Far for a nordstrom rack shirt it's a lateral step far far nicer we looked it up online mine was about roughly 45 yours was roughly 620 mine was 10 you got it in

a bundle a three pack at costco yeah he got like a surplus is Is there a T in Costco? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Isn't it? Honestly, the shirt that I gave Ben, I loved that shirt. No, you didn't. I did. I still do. Do you want it back? Yeah, I miss it every day. Do you really? Yeah.

It's the same exact shirt. Yeah, but you know. Dear Theodore, I don't know what to say to you. Ben, you haven't been on our show in 100 episodes. You didn't say who wrote that song. Oh. Sorry, I care about the artists Kevin Williams Kevin that was great by the way

I wonder if you did all the layering yourself If you got other people to sing it with you But that was beautiful And then took all the credit Who's the guy Bob Dole Jacob Dillon John Kirt

Dylan from 90210 Yes actually it was Bob Dylan. No. Jacob Dylan. Oh, yeah, Jacob Dylan. No, the guy that... John, John Kirt. No. John Sam. Dylan from 90210? Sam and Fans. Yes, actually it was. Sam and Fans? Wasn't Dylan from 90210 also? No, wasn't the guy who does like the...

Michael Winslow. The most famous movie composer in the world. John Williams. So this is Kevin Williams. Oh, God, that was such a long way to get to a stupid sentence. Well, I had... It was just one sentence. You cut me off. Williams is like one of the most famous last names. So many people have the last Kevin Williams. God, that was such a long way to get to a stupid sentence. Well, I had... It was just one sentence. You cut me off.

Williams is like one of the most famous last names. So many people have the last name Williams. But didn't that sound a little bit like... Let's go through a basketball player. Mo Williams. Herb Williams. Yeah, obviously. Give me two more Williams in the NBA.

Allison Williams. Allison Williams. Darren Williams. Darren Williams. Yeah. Point guard. Give me one more from the NBA. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

There was... He played... John Williams? He was a point guard for UConn. Williams? I think it was Williams. Because it was... I can't remember his first name.

Sorry, guys. So how does a podcast work? We all ask each other questions. No, it's an advice show. It's an advice show. For who? For people listening. You said I've been here for 100 episodes?

Yeah, the last episode you did was episode 100. We were in your different location. You guys are in a different location now. Yeah, I think you've done an episode with us in three different places. Where did we do the first one? Oh, College Humor Office. Oh, wow. College Humor Office.

I've done four, I think, haven't I? Oh, yeah, because you did one at your house. I brought the equipment over. Oh, yeah, because two of them were without Jake. Wasn't one of them? Jake, get off your phone. I'm looking up who this Williams guy was. Yeah, but Amir made me put my stuff on airplane mode,

and then freaking Jake gets to do everything he wants? You can be on airplane mode and still have Wi-Fi. I turned off airplane mode, though. That being said. What to say to you? You have my tea. Marcus Williams. You have your uncle's nose.

What is it? Marcus Williams. And don't tell me he didn't get to the NBA because he played for the Warriors. For how many years? I don't know, man. Not a long time. He wasn't very good. Do you play guitar anymore, Jakey?

Oh, Brooklyn Nets in the first round. Jake? Yes. Every once in a while, I'll pick up the old axe and shred. Because you used to all the time yeah i mean i don't play i don't think i've picked up that guitar and played anything in a couple weeks i don't i don't really play it very much i should say no sorry i said yes every once in a while but it's just it's never every once in a while it's every once in a while would

you get me around to the airport if i asked for real yeah of course i would do the same for you if you really need it i would also be like well you I'd be like, I can get you a car if I can't make it. Right. I would so much rather pay an Uber to take somebody to the airport than to drive them there. It matters who it is. If you needed help moving, who would you text? Me or Amir? You.

Amir wouldn't do that. Amir doesn't have a social skill to do that. I would so much rather pay an Uber driver to help you move. Rock and roll movers. Yeah. Beauty school dropout. You know that song? Yeah, of course.

From Grease. Frenchie. Have you ever seen Grease 2? I've seen Grease 2. Are you asking both me and Jake? I've seen Grease also. Is that what you're saying? Which one are you saying?

Are you saying like you're asking both of us? Like Grease 2? No. Have you seen Grease 2? The sequel. I saw Grease recently. Have you seen it too? Have you seen it asking both of us? Like Grease 2? No. Have you seen Grease 2? The sequel. I saw Grease recently. Have you seen it too? Have you seen it too?

Yeah, I saw Grease 2, yeah. Have you seen Grease 2 too? I hope there's no questions. I hope we get to no questions. This is what my goal is every time. Do you guys have a record player? No. Oh, we used to.

It was right over there. What happened? Did you give it to someone? Yeah, the guy who owned it came by and- Your hair looks good. You're doing well. Really? Shit.

When are you going to cut the beard? I think I'm going to try to go six months it's like three months now oh wait no october 26th november 26th stop um three and a half months i got a really good question it was emailed to can I ask you a question real quick so in the world I'm going to read the questions we just got to get to one quick question sure do you guys think

in the way that comedy is going would you rather if you had the opportunity to do a multi-camera sitcom for the next 10 years of your life, or go for it, and you're multi-camera sitcom and you get paid a significant amount of money. Handsomely, like a successful multi-cam. Yep. Like on Beyond Big Bang Theory. Well, it's different because you know what that is.

You don't know what this is yet. This could be far worse or whatever, but you're on multi. It could be not as successful, but you're making money. We're acting or we created the show? You're acting in it. Okay. Or once every two years, I give you a shot at making your own TV show, but I can tell you that the odds of it getting on the air are 15%, 1-5.

Oh, you know what would make it better? 25%. 2-5. Would you... And that also means if you don't get it, you're not making... Which one would you go after? Real question. Think about it for real am i i and i've got everything going for me that i currently do too uh you're not making as much money with head gum because you're making you're

making hand over fist right now so you're not making as much money oh less than hand over fist this is a head gum is a it's a money printing machine. It's a Google. It's insane. That's why we're... I opened my computer and bills just flew out of it. This is a mint over here. Yeah, this is basically a mint. Yeah. What would you do? I think I'd go for the sure thing, the 10 years of a...

But you're just acting in that. That's okay. If you're a show creator, you'd make a lot more money. Yeah, I mean, obviously... I'm telling you that the money you would make off that multicam would probably be more. Would I get to make up my own show every two years? Yeah, I mean, you could do that right now. Yeah, that's correct.

You could do that right now. So it's what I'm doing now or be an actor on a multicam. No, but you're not as successful in the podcast world. You're not hand over fisting. I don't know you're not as successful in the podcast world you're not you're not hand over fisting i don't know i yeah fisting in the podcast world that would be a cool podcast hey man just like keep on track i think i would probably it's a real prisoner's dilemma because both these options suck you don't know if you you don't know you may love a multi-cam sitcom maybe you you guys like like a mirror. You may love to be performing in front of a crowd. Some people prefer it.

Yeah, I don't, but I prefer money. Prefer money. So that's what you would do. Okay. What about you? I think I would do the second one. Creating a show. Creating a show.

Two totally different things. Yet you guys are best friends. How does it work out? You know, best friends can have different opinions on things. That's why we, we work on creating single camera shows and not acting them but we have less than a 20 are we allowed to talk about the pilot for real oh the pilot yes yes yes can we talk about that i know uh what can we or no what about what that i was in it yeah did we tell our friends that no you didn't did we did we tell they made a pilot and they asked me if i would be in it just so you guys know what you missed uh-huh can we talk about it yeah it's

for real i don't know i mean how much more in trouble it's like can we get in trouble from a school that already expelled us jake and mir asked if i would do it hey if we talk about it too much true is not gonna be happy they're gonna repass to play a guest in it and the way that we start as always we go what type of occupation should you have yeah and we decided on magician so for those who watch jake and amir uh and have seen any of the ones that i've done know that the next one was magician and we filmed it and now it'll never and it was great did you have a name uh oh i don't think i did i don't think you did either or if i did i got to make it up at the last second but yours was oh kind of a con manny so i could play the same thing

where i keep coming back as different characters. Exactly. It was like a fake magician. But you actually had to learn some magic for it. Yeah, I learned a couple magic tricks. Yeah. And then there was a party

here afterwards, remember? And I was doing magic. Yeah. And then when people started paying attention, I felt self-conscious and kind of stopped. The trick you learned,

the con trick was really good. There's a couple that I... Yeah, some professional magicians do it up. So just so you know, we haven't talked about that. I'm trying to think what else happened

in the past 100 episodes so how many was it a year ago? about a year and a half wow I haven't done the podcast in a year and a half? I think so

why haven't you guys even asked me? we did and you're like after 100 episodes after 100 episodes I did not say that I'll do it every 100 absolutely not

has it been 100 yet? absolutely not no it's been 68 I don't know how it's been why don't you think you asked me? I wanted to do a live show once but we never figured it out so we're going to come to South by? I don't think we it's going to be. Why don't you think you asked me? I wanted to do a live show once, but we never figured it out.

Are we going to come to South by? I don't think we're going to be there. What about, we haven't announced this yet, but we're going to the East Coast. Oh. This could be a perfect time. April. In April 6th, 7th, 9th, and 10th, we're going to be in Washington, D.C., Brooklyn, New York, Boston, Massachusetts. Where are you playing in Brooklyn, New York? The Music Hall of Williamsburg. Oh, that'll be in Washington D.C. Brooklyn New York Boston Massachusetts

Where are you playing in Brooklyn New York? Music Hall of Williamsburg You guys are great huh? Yeah Do you make more money off of the tour or off of doing the actual podcast? I don't want to talk about how much money we made Can you answer it later? Yeah absolutely

I'll show you my W2's And the last day of the tour is New Haven, Connecticut. Ooh, Jake's hometown. Yeah, if you're in D.C., Boston, Brooklyn, New Haven, it's going to be us two. Hopefully we can convince Ben to come by the end of this show. Come on, the East Coast. Why don't you just come anyway?

What if we paid you to come? Tickets were literally $150 one way. That's not true. I just, my friend just flew here. No, no, tickets to the shows. Oh, sorry. That's not true. I just my friend just flew here. No, no. Tickets to the shows. Oh, sorry. That's so expensive.

Our ticket to New York was $150. How many Hurwitzes will be at the Connecticut one? Shit. I think most of them. My mom. My mom.

My dad. My sister. Myka. Myka is going to be here at school still. My other sister. Oh, Liza lives in New York. Actually, probably only three Hurwitzes.

I'm not going to know that. I need to have at least five Hurwitzes. My aunt might come. My aunt might be there. Which one? Amy. What's her last name? Oh, also Susie's going to be there. Aunt Susie will probably be there. What's her last name? Her last name is not Hurwitz.

Can I ask you this question? Yes, of course. That's the this question? Yes, of course. That's the point of this podcast, of course. It's called If I Were You. It's an advice show, so people will email us their real questions.

Can I ask you a question about that? Yeah, of course. How many titles did you guys go through before you picked If I Were You? What was the number two title? These are good questions. Whenever I ask questions, they're not bad.

Yeah. What was the choice, what was the one that was, and whose decision was it to go with this? I think Jake thought of the idea of If I Were You. Yeah. There's the G-check. I mean, hey, I? I think Jake thought of the idea. And the name. Yeah. There's the G-Chat comp.

I mean, hey, I don't want to take all the credit. Our fear was doing, we didn't want to do just like a relationship show. So it's like, let's just open it up to anything. If I were you, I can tell you what I would do in that situation. But most people aren't confused about things as much as they are about love. Like most people go to work, come home. That's all very standard. I know how to live my life.

You want it to be a relationship thing. No, we want it to be about anything. I think what ends up happening, we want it to be just like general advice because we weren't experts. I modeled it after Car Talk because Car Talk is a radio show that never needed guests.

Like the stressful thing about having a podcast is booking guests, studying them. How often do you guys have guests? I assume every other time? No. I mean, maybe 25% of the time. No. Yeah.

And when we have guests, we don't really interview them very much. We ask them what they're up to and how they got started, but mostly they answer advice questions with us. They're a co-host. You're the only one that won't answer questions. Well, I can't wait to get into it. I't answer questions. I can't wait to get into it. I'll start by saying I can't wait to get into it. Then we should just...

But then I'll continue by saying, can I ask you a quick question? Sure. So what was the second name that we didn't do? I feel like I was thinking... I can search it if I were you on my Gmail. What's the first email you guys sent to each other? Do you have that?

No, because it was on old Outlook. It was Outlook Express. Shit, what was I going to say? I wonder when the first time I met you guys was when we did that first short film, right? Yeah. That was the first time. No.

Yeah, I think so. I don't think I met you before. Did we do the hardly working where you're going to commit suicide by jumping off a table? That was way after we did B bunch of Jake and Amir's. Really? Yeah.

You had short hair in that. Yeah, when I was in New York, I didn't know that I can grow out my hair. But in the video, you had longer hair. No, Jake and Amir would have been the first. Because I did High Times, and the second thing I did was Jake and Amir. Oh, really?

Yeah. I remember, because when we shot, we shot on the really tiny little cameras, and that was the first time I met you. Yes. I remember really liking Jake. I remember looking when we shot we shot on like the really tiny little cameras and that was the first time I met you I remember really liking Jake I remember looking in a mirror and realizing this is going to be an uphill battle you were the first person maybe not the first person

but when we were writing we were all like pitching ideas for the High Times editorial office you guys would as well for the bigger sketches you guys would pitch so we did like I think you did a couple of those that weren't would as well for the bigger sketches so we did like i think you you did a couple of those that weren't written by me i don't know who wrote them uh but then we did like one a big round table with all the writers and i was still an intern or like a

junior writer or something and i said and i like pitched some like dumb joke and you like tap my shoulder like that's really funny and i was like oh dude that's that's so cool that's really funny. And I was like, dude, that's so cool. That's amazing. Guys, wasn't me. Great news. I just found a fucking treasure trove. Of all the names that didn't go?

It's a recorded conversation between me and Jake on April 29th, 2013, in which we discuss what the podcast should be and what the title should be. Okay, let me hear some titles. Well,

we should read this. Do you want to read each other's parts? So I'll be Jake and you let me hear some titles. Well, we should read this. Do you want to read each other's parts? So I'll be Jake and you be me? Great. What the fuck? Come here.

I'll be playing Amir. This actually is a very exciting show for me to go to. So Ben's Amir, Amir's me? Yeah. Let's fill it down,

we have born and raised. Where's the sausage sausage i can't eat it look at my glasses why is there hummus in my pocket okay classic come here dude why is there hummus all right so me is you and then let's think of a name that we can buy do you mind if i read everything or do we want to censor ourselves no no we can read everything let's think of a name that we can buy there's a real conversation jake and i had on april of 2013 okay jake's first go um so this is the first this is how it all started let's think of a name that we can buy like a name.com like instant domain search.com let's look at one if i'm you.com is available pretty good if i'm you by the way is what you're oh if i'm you.com if i oh you even got it confused here if i am that's funny i'm me uh all right uh if

all right say that again i f i m if i'm you oh easy to say hard to look at true too hard to look at question mark or hard to comprehend hard to read leave me alone haha kind of nuts to have such a short domain though no punctuation all words all words spelled correctly maybe because it's a hyphenate word if i am you if i'm you if uh sorry iwereyou.com is available that's almost sensical true true oddly enough advicepodcast.com is available too boring haha that's nuts. And I think it is. Maybe that's why it's available. No human is that boring.

If I were you, podcast. Too long? You said no when he first said it. You said it and he said no. Wait, but Amir said if I were you was available, right? If I were you, podcast. Oh, if I were you, podcast. Too long? What I would do show? Also long? Ifpodcast.com?

Kinda nice. Maybe we should name the podcast first. Podcrastinate.com? Ha ha. Ha ha. If I were you is pretty good. What I would do? I think I like If I Were You. W-W-M-E-D. What would a misus do? IfIWereYouShow.com. IfIWereYouPodcast.com. I like If I Were You Show. And that's how it happened correct

so according to this i thought of if i were you well let's let's i mean jake really shepherded jake was the bus driver but i was the one who said if i were you is pretty good and then you said i think i like if i were you but let's let's scroll back even further said if i were you podcast and then you said too long And then you said, too long. And then you immediately said no to him. And then you pretended like you thought of the idea. If I were you is pretty good. Oh, yeah.

I can see that. You just read it and then you shit on it. But who said the words, if I were you, first? You said, if I were you, podcast. That's the first. Yes. If I were you, podcast. And then I said, too long.

And then I said, if I were you, it's pretty good. And then you said, I think I like if I were you podcast, and then I said too long, and then I said if I were you is pretty good, and then you said I think I like if I were you. Those are the best when you find those beautiful little old. Do you guys keep pictures, old photos? Yeah, we have some old. I have an old photo upstairs in a little box that's me and Amir's first trip to Los Angeles. Oh, really? Yeah. What is it of uh carnell took it up on that guy

will's oh yeah where was that uh it well he was living in silver lake but we didn't have any idea what the fuck it was i was like in the middle of nowhere yeah we're like i remember thinking like wow this is like kind of a weird place to live really far away yeah it turns out it was great um oh thank god i didn't keep reading it was all about ben after that i wish it was yeah also jake said some pretty nasty things after that just read one of them just read one of them um it's just a lot of like just read one of them i said ambitious release date for the podcast, Monday, May 13th. And Jake says, I like it.

I really do. Then I said, I told the idea to Rami. He likes it. Rami okayed it. Jake says, that's fucking awesome. No guests for the first time, just advice to people emailing. And I said, yeah. The question is, how do we get people emailing before we have a show

and jake says truth and an insider tip is the first episode we made them up we made them up i knew it i knew it did you make up names for them too yes we made up names actually i think for the first 160 episodes we made up emails it is the first one we got a real one actually 200 do you want do you mind if we get to the real yes of course please that's the point of the show yeah can i ask you a question real quick sure before we get to the email jake before we get we're gonna get to the email we're always gonna get to the email i hate it um oh wait i really did have a question oh so um well who's your first guest and how far into it our first guest i believe was ricky ricky van veen episode like eight maybe so even when did

benjamin come into the mix benjamin schwartz you were we were living in new york and you were in la so it was a long time you started when you were in new york yeah we started in brooklyn still doing college humor yeah we still worked at college humor when we did it do you guys miss making videos yeah i just thought about the other day someone asked me what i really liked and we're going through this stuff i was at AMA I did And they were saying like Or no no no Some interviewer did

And I was going through this stuff And I was like you know what I miss making those Jake and Amir Those were really fun Because those were like We talked about all the things Like this this this this Like anything else

You're like you know what Jake and Amir They were talking about like What you get from different things When you do House of Lies What do you get What do you get from this And I was like for us

It was more like Let's just play around And have fun and just be the goofiest and most fun. Right. It was so silly. There were no rules. Would you do videos again?

I don't know. Not for College Humor, just in general. I guess it's too expensive. Yeah, I love the idea. I mean, I want to do more creative stuff and make our own videos, be our own bosses, and develop our own shows. But that excites me more than acting in a multi-cam sitcom.

You would rather direct? I would rather... I don't know about direct. I like directing a lot, but I would rather create. I would rather be in charge of the writing and the acting. I would just be in charge of as much stuff as I could be. And it's still true that Jake does 80% of the writing and Amir does 20?

The 80-20 rule? Yeah. as i could be and it's still true that jake does 80 of the writing amir does 20 the 80 20 rule yeah yeah actually actually amir improvises maybe everything on set so like the scripts that i write are awful wow wow wow yeah yeah um come on let's get to a question i think that we're fucking waiting i've been a lawyer loyal listener since episode what's the person's name can i name him a female name girl i'm so surprised you're letting us read it girl girl um we usually get to through two yeah um how many do you get through usually with a normal person three to four four so we can pop through one one and a half um okay woman's name uh this woman's name is um sukin yeah i like it already s-u-k-a-n sukin howdy sukin no don't sorry about that it's all right man just know when to stop apologize okay yeah do you or are you just saying you apologize

i do feel bad i'm sorry do you for real yeah okay you should i feel awful stop i am now you're stopping not gonna say anymore sukin sukin sukin last name kitten flea all right sukin kitten flea says i was visiting san francisco from la this weekend with a friend for a short getaway trip the first day i met a handsome guy at a clothing store he was incredibly friendly and got the vibe he was flirting with me prove it as he was ringing me up he asked me what my plans were for the weekend he told me that the store usually has a party on fridays but vibe he was flirting with me. Prove it. As he was ringing me up, he asked me what my plans were for the weekend. He told me that the store usually has a party on Fridays, but unfortunately he was skipping it this weekend. He said he wished he wasn't skipping it

so that I could come by and have a few beers with him. He didn't ask for my number, so I thought he wasn't interested in pursuing it any further. But after I left, I kept thinking about him. He was just so goddamn good looking. The next day, my friend wanted to go back to the store to pick up more things. I was pretty stoked to see him again.

I asked him what he was doing that night and he said he was staying in because he had, quote, things to catch up on. He gave me some local bar recommendations and we said goodbye. I was feeling pretty bummed but i enjoyed our conversation so nothing to fret about then sukin come on an hour later i got an instagram notification that someone liked a couple of my pictures turns out it was the guy from the store

i got goosebumps because one how the hell did he find me and two oh my god he fucking found me we don't have any mutual friends i checked and i was amazed but kind of creeped out at the same time so i followed him on instagram and dm'd him slide into the dms slide into the dms what's that phrase uh it's an it's a rap song about how a girl keeps sliding into a guy's dms which is like a direct message on twitter so what does that mean you're hitting on someone through dms yeah i thought it was about instagram uh or i guess you can dm on multiple things i think that song is about instagram whatever either way this is how the conversation went there's a conversation between her and him so when you when you like a photo

that means you have to follow that person or no no you can like a photo so he may not have been following her right uh he might have not been following her but he found her on instagram maybe she tagged the store when she bought it she probably had his she put her credit card which had her name on it oh wow i keep going so there's this conversation between her and him on the DMs. Who wants to read them? I'll be you. I'm not in it. Let Jake go.

Jake hasn't read anything yet. I'll read it. I'll read it. You have to come over here then. No. Your computer's more mobile than my microphone. Oh, you want to read both sides? I'll read the other side.

Give it to us. Yeah, me and Ben can. All right. We'll do this. The first line is from the girl, and then the second line is from the guy. Okay. both sides i'll read the other side yeah me and ben can all right we'll do this the first uh the first line is from the girl and then the second line is from the guy okay so are you kind of messed up that what happens if the guy listens to this show that's why we kept him anonymous the guy she'll know they'll both know their whatever's do you want to be the girl or the guy

um um the gray is the guy gray's the girl i'll be the girl. Okay. OMG, hi. Hey, find anything good yet? Had dinner at Little Star Pizza and about to head out to Edinburgh like you suggested in a bit. Weird emoji. It won't really be going until a little later. Then Zeitgeist first and then Edinburgh later? That sounds better. I'm going to suggest Zeitgeist and benders just now oh my god there's more watch i'm gonna help us because we're old oh there we go um

no second thoughts about coming out huh i do want to hang out with you but i'm gonna be busy until later tonight wish you were here longer I def want to kick it. Cry, cry, cry emoji. I'll text you later and see where you're at. Did you say you're staying near Japantown or Mission? Yeah, I'm on Octavia and a height. If your schedule opens up, my number is... Just read her number.

My number is 310... Do you know about a spot called Double Dutch? Yeah, it's alright. Music is good, but the crowd can be questionable. Thanks. And I'll finish it off. He never texted me, but he's been only liking pics of mine on IG for reference.

Oh, that's her Instagram name. Does this mean he's just not that into me? And that I should just let it go? Thanks so much. Suki. It's a real story. All right, Kitten Flea. It's a real...

It's an exciting story. I've done this before. Have you ever slid into someone's DMs? No, I've never connected with someone's... No, no. Not if I didn't know them beforehand. It's like... If I knew them beforehand, maybe we will have beforehand. It's like because of Instagram.

If I knew them beforehand, maybe we will have talked. Because of Instagram and Twitter, there's less of a pressure to ask somebody for their phone number. This is like the most cowardly move, though. He was afraid to ask for the number in the store. But he didn't feel like. He didn't even message her on Instagram. All he did was like a photo. Yeah.

It worked. I mean. But the question is. Yeah, but was like a photo yeah it worked i i mean but the question is yeah but that breaks my heart that his responses are all so far away he's very mixed signaling i feel like he has a girlfriend oh wow can we look up her instagram real quick can you copy and paste it or play i actually did look up i already did too she's pretty pretty cute. Is that true? Do you guys look her up for her? Yeah. Okay. No real clues beyond just what she looks like. Can you give it to me? What do you think?

Why would the guy slide into the DMs but not be down to hang out? I know there's another one that people go like, at me. You want to say it to my, at me. That's like a thing. Really? Can you give me her Instagram? Let me look it it to my, at me. That's like a thing. Really? Can you give me her Instagram? Let me look it up again. No.

I think it's just Amir. I think this guy has a girlfriend. And so why is he flirting? Because it's fun to flirt. And it's fun to like get to message people on Instagram. And it's fun to, I feel like you slide into the DMs. There's sort of like an expectation that it's going to get flirty and a little sexy.

And this guy is probably like, oh, she doesn't even live in San Francisco, so I'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend, but maybe I'll get some nudes or something. Wouldn't she be able to find out by going on his Instagram, seeing if he has a girlfriend? That's possible, but maybe he doesn't post pictures of her, because he likes

to flirt with cute girls that come into his store. maybe he's being a guy who's trying to sell more merchandise is that a thing i wouldn't think about no no i can't go out tonight but check out our online store uh we're looking at pictures of you right now right off the bat pizza yeah that was a picture of her in San Francisco it's very exciting to go traveling meet someone attractive and have

them like your Instagram photos that is cool that's like a cool win and then why did he not I can see that making someone feel like oh there's a good chance it's not only that but I found the guy did you find the guy no I can see that making someone feel like, oh, there's a good chance. Not only that, but I found the guy.

Did you find the guy? No. If you go to her followers, you can see a picture of the guy's logo. See, we're just as big creeps as this guy. We're actually bigger creeps. We're bigger snoops. Yeah, because in the DMs, you can see that little thumbnail. Come on, boys. It goes down in the DMs. you can see that little thumbnail there. Come on, boys.

It goes down in the DMs. It goes down. It goes down. Wait, on their following? Yeah, people who follow her. It is so scary. So he does follow her. Yeah.

He followed her back. Yeah. We asked. That was one of the questions. It is so scary how intense talking you can get now. Oh, yeah. You can learn a lot. It's so scary. Oh, yeah.

It is so scary and you can see when somebody's doing anything so you know when you're being ignored snapchat is even more like instant like you can see what somebody's up to up to the minute instagram's like oh i can see i tried snapchat for a little bit i can't find him by. What? If you go to her followers? Sorry, followers. Oh, I don't know. Following. Yeah, followers. Real quick plug on Snapchat. If you buy a ticket to Austin and snap the ticket to me, I've been snapping everybody back that does that. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

And we can give them a personal whatever? Do you want to open that up for the rest of the East Coast tour? Oh, yeah. Well, let's sell out Austin first, and I'll focus on the ticket sales of the east coast tour uh but all the ticket sales and all the information should be at ifirewshow.com uh whether you live in austin dc new york uh new haven or boston yeah fine you know what fine i'll open it up you snap it you snap me a pic of the tick i'll snap back a pick of my dick snap me a pick of the tick look at the pick of the tick

look at the pick of the tick in your lap okay uh very nice my god um i would say that he doesn't look like he's giving you a ton of love back but he's giving you mixed signals so i don't know uh i would say the boyfriend thing makes sense the bummer the sorry the girlfriend that narrative makes sense because one this is as far as some people let themselves go when they're in a relationship like oh i can follow someone on instagram that's like pretty passive and then like you can't yell at someone on instagram yeah you can feel the micro thrill of of flirtation without actually having to do anything. And then things got a little bit too real when she's like, hey, do you want to meet up?

He's like, oh, I can't really do that. Yeah, maybe later. But I really do think if he's single, he meets up. There's nothing that's so important that he needs to do at home. Maybe he's not interested. That's possible. But he can't not be interested if she left and then he liked her photos.

How did he find her? He looked her credit card. Yes, that's so interesting. I've done that before. Maybe she said her name and her first name is very unique or something like that. Maybe so. We saw her name. I've done it. I've done this, what this guy did. You've looked at a credit card receipt?

Yeah, when I worked at... Have you ever gone to somebody's house late at night? I know people that do that. I'm like, what? Like to see if they're around? There was... In high school, when I had like crushes on people, I would like take a route home that went by their house.

In high school, I did that. Yes. A thrill to be like... To see if they were up or whatever? Yeah. But not in like the middle of the night. It was on my way home from work or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know what you're talking about. Parking down the street at 2 a.m., that's not okay. Well, that's what people had to do before Facebook, Instagram, and all this stuff. They had to literally stalk rather than cyber stalk. Right, just drive by. And that's why I like this a little bit because it's such a fun game. It's kind of cooler than asking for an... I mean, not cooler, but it's like this...

It's a scavenger hunt. Like the little micro flirtations that finally lead to the number. You love the game. You love the game. I do love the game. That's the game up until you find somebody that you care about. This game is a little bit cowardly. It's so passive on his part.

Stay strong. You're a very strong woman jake and amir both love you very much uh i'm about to follow and like a couple of those photos on that instagram oh jake you should yeah i'm then everybody will look at your like can you look at someone else's likes no you can sometimes see it yeah i think they show you the most recent like yeah and the news and every once in a while i'll go and i'll see like some some of my some of my thirsty friends like it's a picture like it's a picture of some girls uh there's always a new slang word isn't there thirsty let's make one up right now okay actually let's take a quick break and then we'll come back with some more slang from ben and amir

what why i'm sorry j. Fine. Get out of here. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create. Easy to sell. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can

update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying

visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz

with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way

to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready

to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right.

So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Hey, we're back. It goes down in the deep.

Go down, Nicks go down what's a wait a slang term for what slang term for like wanting to flirt with someone slang term for oh this girl wants it how about that or this guy wants it doesn't have to be so like the current one is thirsty or horny well then let's think of something else that there's an term what about she's cold for it or shivering i mean she doesn't want oh that doesn't respond that's a good thing oh that doesn't respond she stoned me oh like what's it called when somebody what happens when you that's good what's that what's the short stuff what would you call that uh pound the brakes no but that's a real thing people say that yeah pumping the brakes pump the brakes yeah she like oh what about like she's quenched if you're thirst like i'm thirsty oh yeah that's great yeah but that would mean that you succeeded somehow right right well her

thirst has been quenched elsewhere yes what's it called when you're full but with drinks god i am isn't it quenched bloated i Bloated. I'm bloated. She's bloated. Yeah, she's bloated. But that's sort of like a really... Too much. She's too much of it. That's like projecting a look on her. Yeah, size. It'd be funny if he's like, she's just not that thirsty. She's just not that thirsty.

She recently had some water and she's sort of fine. Yeah, she had a full cup of water. Yeah. Not a sip. She had a full cup. Isn't it sated? Sated. No, but that's just satisfied.

I'm not sated. I'm satisfied. Wow, dude. She's sated. Isn't it sated? Sated. No, but that's just satisfied. I'm not sated. I'm satisfied. Wow, dude. That was really good. What was that? Huh? A little toot? Do you have another question?

Hell yeah, dude. I'm not going to ask a question before you guys ask a question. Is that okay? Do you have a Snapchat, Ben? I do. It was public for a bit, and then I turned it private. And what do you do with your snaps? I send stuff to...

You know that I have Snapchat. I snap you. I snap one of... There's 12 people that I have on my friend list, and you do, you guys, and Marty are three of those 12 people. You should start selling that, dude. I'm sure people will pay a lot of money for that. I just don't know.

I don't know. I want you to sell that shit. Because i wasn't putting stuff out because my we just send stupid shit to each other yeah um but i don't i wasn't putting stuff out and then i would get um messages from people and then i felt bad if i wasn't looking at all of them and then also you don't know what you're gonna get isn't it isn't that like there what happens if like a young kid sends you something terrible yeah that isn't that illegal what happens it's not illegal to look at it that is illegal to look at no it's illegal to have it and it snaps at dispute but i'm not no but you're looking it sounds like i'm defending myself like i get a lot of uh weird shit from kids but i think like

there's people that consistently send really weird shit and i sort of like learn their names and i remember, and now I don't open it. Oh, yeah. But then you see them on that list forever. Well, eventually they stop, because they see that their snaps aren't getting opened anymore, so the game's sort of over.

Do you get a lot of nude photos on Snapchat? Not enough, but every once in a while, yeah. So you don't want people following you? It doesn't matter if you say what your Snapchat name is? It is it's private i guess you could follow me it's rejected jokes zero rejected jokes zero i think i don't know you should make it at least like your story public no i don't but i don't do anything but you should do all the dumb shit you send to us it could just go on your story and then everybody but that's private stuff no a lot of like the asshole thing was private and the peepee thing the rash thing rejected jokes zero and then i have a number after but that just is a number right yeah that's your

snap score rejected joke zero what is a trophy case okay so rejected joke zero if you guys want to follow me on snapchat although although i can't receive any snaps or you never post a story but you know what maybe because you guys have been pushing so hard maybe maybe when this episode comes out you can post the story you can see how many people are looking at it yeah that'll be fun i mean it's just a whole new i think it'll be a fun little thing to worry about easier it's because it's the stakes are so low no but some i've seen us do like periscope or something and someone records it and puts it elsewhere scope gets recorded yeah but why what is it going to stop from someone you you watching, me recording your phone watching a Snapchat?

It's possible. So like if it's you taking your dick and opening it up and there's a little worm that goes, I'd be amazing. That'd be the most popular Snap story ever. I have a talking worm that lives in my dick. Hey, guys. Isn't it a lot of work?

Doesn't it feel like work? Yeah, but you just replace it with stuff that you don't have to worry about anymore. So I'll Instagram less. Do you feel like it helps your fan base?'t it feel like work uh yeah but you just replace it with stuff that you don't have to worry about anymore so i'll instagram less do you feel like it helps your fan base do you feel like definitely really yeah because more more more of our fans are on snapchat now than twitter facebook i will say this it makes it feel less permanent makes me feel like you're right you could send something to a fan immediately like if someone's like hey you could do that real quick right i can't also when people take photos now or selfies with either one of us a lot of people just do it in snapchat now yeah because you can then save it so it's like it does both so they're saving it while they're

doing it yeah see i don't know how to do that do you save the ones you send to me uh not always usually not is there a button to allow you to choose if yeah you can there's like a little before you post before you post you press it or if it's on your story you could download it later too at least i'm learning yeah for once but you can't save other people's that's the whole thing and you can't take a screenshot of it you can take a screenshot of a photo but it just lets them know right speaking of learning and teaching this question is actually about that topic cool ben do you have a guy's name for us? Sure. Henry Boltz.

And what's his last name? Henry Boltz's first name and his last name is Perl. P-E-U-U-R-L hard K. Capital K. Capital K. Capital K at the end. What's his first name? Harold Bolts.

Harold Bolts? Harold Bolts. What is Pearl? What is a Harry Bolts? Now I feel bad because it's a woman who wrote it. But same name. Yeah, it works.

Let's keep it simple. I love my boyfriend. He's kind-hearted, generous, always takes care of me. We have a good thing going. The end? Yeah. All right. That's all she wrote for real oh there's a one issue oh no upon sending him a link to a funny snl video about bernie sanders i learned a shocking fact oh no he has no idea who bernie sanders is not too crazy right upon further digging i found out he doesn't know

who hillary clinton is donald trump or the name of our current vice president he's he's he's kidding he doesn't know any of the president's past bush for that matter or basic facts about american history he's not foreign he's lived his whole life here. The final shock I received is that he doesn't know the difference between a Democrat or a Republican. Now, he isn't so clueless about other things. He's really good at math and science, much better than I could ever hope to be. But these are basic things about the world that even the most ill-informed people are somewhat aware of. The problem is, though, I love him. I'm not so sure I can be with someone who has no idea about basic current events.

We're both 23. Is it too late to educate him on these matters? Or should I simply call it quits? Does it matter if your partner is not your intellectual equal? Sincerely, Harold Boltz Perilke. I'm going to say a couple of things, Harold Boltz Perilke. gonna say a couple things Harold Boltz Peril if it's something

that concerns you very much well first of all that doesn't mean he's stupid it means he's uninformed true there's a difference between being smart

and being knowledgeable I think that's very smart that the words you just used thank you because I have the knowledge to use them never mind

I made a mistake you're an idiot I think that if it's something that really concerns you you should bring it up and be like hey i i'm like really into politics it's a little bit i was like do you want to i don't know i don't know exactly the words to use but it'd be like if it's something that really bothers you it's going to continue to bother you so you should bring it up and be like hey like uh be cool if we learned about this together or like you know like we could talk about it, stuff that really interests me and things like that. Or if he doesn't know, start to explain it to him.

See if he gets interested. I would not give up on a relationship because of that. Unless you find out maybe he is in a point you're just, you feel like he's so not equal with you intellectually that you think it's disturbing the relationship and decision making and stuff like that but if you think he's a smart guy and he just doesn't know anything about politics and you really love him like you say you do then see if he wants to get involved with learn about politics stuff like that tell him how much it means

to you yeah you can learn if you're smart it just means you have the capacity to learn that's correct so he just hasn't spent I don't know how you can avoid knowing who Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is. I agree with what Ben's saying, but I think this is so egregious that she could make a really big deal out of it, too. That he doesn't, it is crazy not to know anybody. She could pretty much shame him into, like, you have to know the two, I mean, the three, like, leading presidential candidates.

You should know them. And by the way, even if he's not into politics, isn't Donald Trump on TV and a businessman? Yeah. It's hard to avoid that. But maybe he knows a lot of stuff that she doesn't know. He knows a lot about science. That's true. Wilderness. But I think you could be like, hey, that's ridiculous.

You should know this stuff. That's basic. And if you're really into politics, then I agree. You just say, hey, I'm getting really— Yeah, so this is important for you should know this stuff. That's basic. And like, if you're really into politics, then I agree. You just say like, Hey, I'm this, I'm like, this is important for me to,

for you to know this. I want to talk about this stuff with you. I'm like really passionate. I love you. And I love this stuff. I want to be able to talk about it. Do you, is that cool?

Okay. That answers her first question. We're all seemingly on the same page. Does it matter if your partner is not your intellectual equal? Do you like somebody to be dumber, as smart, or smarter than you? For me, I like people to be smarter than me. As smart or smarter. Not to say that I'm a very smart person, but as smart or smarter than me.

I think that is something I'm into with women. I'm attracted to people who are smart and have their shit together. Jacob? Yeah. You don't want to date someone who... I think the issue actually comes from is it okay that my partner's not my intellectual equal?

She's not giving him enough credit. There's got, like, she says herself that he's better at science and math than she could ever hope to be. So that's, right away, you know, she's not an equal when it comes to that. And maybe she's got a superior knowledge of politics. I think she has to recognize his strengths and her strengths and his weaknesses and her weaknesses and find some sort of like middle ground. But you know, I don't

think it's ever black and white. It's like, I'm smart, you're dumb. It's like, I'm smart at this, I excel at this, and you don't. And what what matters is are they smart at things that you want them to be smart at right like it's because people can be smart or uh knowledgeable in different things right and it's some of it is like book smart like i know a lot of trivia some of it is just like i have the ability to change a tire i don't know how much but how much for the three of us um or maybe i'm maybe i don't have a wealth of knowledge of this um how much about the political landscape do you know how much do you know the difference between hillary and bernie i know we know about them i know we know some of their points of view

but like do you know do you already both you guys know exactly who you want to vote for do you have all the facts do you know i mean i'm. I'm vaguely aware of this stuff. Jake is more so. Really? Are you very engrossed in it? Yeah, I'm really into politics. But I also, I don't know who I'm voting for between Hillary and Bernie. Right.

But that's not because I don't know what they stand for. I mean, he doesn't know the difference between Democrat and Republican. By the way, there's lots of things that separate them, but there's huge points that separate them as well. I mean, and that. I think the difference between Democrat and Republican, the difference between Bernie and Hillary is actually slightly more... Well, those are two Democrats. Yeah, but I'm saying that's slightly more acceptable.

I don't really know what they stand for, because they both generally stand for Democratic issues. I don't know the difference between Hillary and Trump. That's insane. That actually... According to this, he doesn't know who and Trump. Right. That's insane. Like that actually makes a difference. Well, according to this, he doesn't know who Donald Trump is or who Joe Biden is. Right.

To not know the difference between Democrat and Republican is like a pretty big one. But it's something you can teach if you think he's smart. Yeah. If he knows math and science. What about you? What about you? With intelligence. Yeah.

Nobody wants to date somebody that's like oh i feel like i can't have a conversation with you or just that they feel that they're dumb or they're gonna make the wrong decision right because it's like that's a big thing having having the skill set to know when you're doing something right or wrong is a huge thing or like if you left them alone to their own devices like do you trust them to be wow that's very smart yeah well that's i think that goes back to appreciating somebody's certain kind of smarts because somebody might like know a ton of languages but if you put them in a city they wouldn't know how to they would like don't have any spatial awareness or something and yeah it's true like i there are certain aspects of

dumbness or intelligence that i wouldn't want to deal with. Like you're saying, I would not want to be with somebody who is helpless if they got lost. Right. Right. Or if you're at a party just didn't know what to do. Right, who didn't know how to talk to people. That's right.

I want somebody who's like emotionally intelligent. My third dates are always the same thing. Pick up a girl in an Uber. I take her... Is this real or no? Totally real. Okay.

Blindfolded to a helipad. And then we go up, up and away. She has no idea where she is. Of course. It's an hour long flight every single time. Exactly an hour. Hey, why? This is all normal.

Get to the weird part. Well, I drop her in an area whether we go out and back. Like, and she dies? No, she doesn't die. Of course, yeah. So we lower. Drop her in an area. Come on.

Yeah, yeah. I lower her into a very secluded area like Los Angelinos National Forest or something. Right. And she has whatever, basic survival stuff. I'll give her... You give her a backpack of basic... We know, dude. Yeah, yeah.

Get to the weird part. Iodine capsules. Actually, iodine capsules. A granola bar. That's to kill yourself. Keep going. That's cyanide. Yeah.

I also give her that just in case just she starts and she doesn't know which one is which right it's a red pill and a blue pill and then a shiv uh a net and these things to kill herself yes these are all these are all things to kill you this is all normal get to the weird and if she can survive i'm like okay she's she's capable smart enough to have at least survived long enough for me to find her you stay in that helicopter of course i don't jump down i'm like okay she's she's capable smart enough to have at least survived long you stay in that helicopter of course i don't jump down i'm a scared little cold boy right i'm shivering up there in the helicopter when she succeeds when i six when she succeeds two people have succeeded i give them the same how many people have you lost in angela's national

forest close to 90 and of the two people that survived what did they have i give them the same thing what a tap a tap on the back and a hearty grin cyanide pill a firm handshake and a fourth date how many people out of those nine uh took the day i'll be out of those two took the date neither of them they were so mad at me you leave me in the forest that that number's up to 92? When I said close to 90, I meant over 90. Oh, how high over 90? 106.

You knew the exact number. Why would you even say 90? I was trying to soft sell it. Oh, hold on. I've been saving all my money just to get me there. Do you guys ever listen to Crosby, Stonash, and or Young? Jake, get off your phone.

We're in a podcast. Yeah, you're right. I was checking the time. Dear Theodore. Dear Theodosia, what to say to you? You have my nose. You have your uncle's teeth. How did that happen?

I fucked your uncle fast Ding, ding, ding, ding Dear Theodosia, I'm so sorry I messed you up, you're part me and you're unk And I don't know what to do Or say you're screwed There's a lot of Hamilton fans just loving this part of the show. Even if you're not, you still like the song.

That's a deep cut. Hey, a question for the room. Sure. This might be the last film we got to wrap up. Oh, that's what my question was. You looked at your clock. What time is it? We're near an hour.

I actually forget. I think it was 1242 or 1246. No, it wasn't. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't one. So it wasn't really like what time is it? What do you have to do at one?

We have an editing session for a very exciting project that we haven't announced yet and we still won't i know about it right yeah yeah we told you how's it feel it's fun good um be fun to do an entire interview about that project before like without announcing it like yeah it's been really creatively satisfying it's uh frankly i don't even know if we can keep this part of the show yeah we can yeah you can you don't know what you're talking about. Do you have anything to promote yourself?

When does this come out? Monday, February 15th. This is right after the NBA All-Star Game, so you can't promote that. No, the NBA All-Star Game, guys, check it out. It just happened. Would being in the NBA Celebrity All-Star Game be a dream for you? I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so.

You'd be able to play in Tonight versus Kevin Hart and Ludacris. I don't think I would like that type of attention for some reason. Is that weird? But you're pretty good at basketball. I'm pretty good at basketball. And you get to hang out with like... That would be fun. You get coached by Drake, right?

Hanging out with those people would be fun. But being on camera and playing basketball, I don't know. I don't know why it feels a little bit weird. Maybe it'd be great. Maybe I'm just nervous because I'm afraid that I won't do well and people would be like. Hanging out with those people would be fun. But being on camera and playing basketball, I don't know. I don't know why it feels a little bit weird. Maybe it'd be great. Maybe I'm just nervous because I'm afraid that I won't do well and people will be like, look at him. But maybe I'll do great and everybody will be like, wow, look at him. Yeah.

I think you're deceptively good at basketball. Like, you don't look as good as you are at basketball. I don't look as good? You mean my body? If I were to look at you, I'd be like, I wouldn't think you're as good as basketball as you are. People wouldn't think that I play basketball. As well as you do. Right. Because I look like a Muppet be like, I wouldn't think you're as good as basketball as you are. People wouldn't think that I play basketball. As well as you do. Right, because I look like a Muppet.

Yeah. I've heard that before. I've heard that before while playing basketball, which is weird. Like, oh, man, I never would have guessed. I was like, that's kind of mean, but all right. Yeah. That's kind of. What do I have to plug?

Your Snapchat? Go to my website, rejectedjokes.com. I did a bunch of videos with a bunch of NFL guys. That was really fun. Rex Ryan. Oh, man, the Kirk. Kirk Cousins. That was a really, really fun video. Thanks NFL guys that were really fun Rex Ryan the Kirk Kirk Cousins that was a really really fun video

thanks guys you guys both messaged me it was really nice I used to do that when I watched Jake and Mary I really liked it

I used to always email you guys afterwards yeah you would of course I always meant it the ones that didn't email no worries what else

rejectedjokes.com go to at rejectedjokes on Twitter and Instagram and I guess rejectedjokes0 on Snapchat I'm trying to think if there's anything coming rejected jokes.com go to at rejected jokes on twitter and instagram and i guess rejected jokes zero on snapchat i'm trying to think if there's anything coming house of lies house lies comes

out in april april 10th and then um that's funny because that's when we'll be in new haven connecticut with each other oh wow i guess we'll watch it all together just waving new haven that's what's up and then i don't know i'm doing some shows with Middle Ditch at Largo, but they're sold out. Sorry, boys. One on the 20th, and then there's one in March. Both sold out? February sold out, and we haven't announced one in March yet. We're going to announce it soon.

And that's it. That's pretty good. That's a lot of shit happening. No, it isn't. It's just my social media. Sorry, i wasn't listening what'd you say he's uh charting a helicopter right now i put a i put a fucking tracking device on this girl's ankle and she's getting pretty close to the border of the park

i think what happened to the border is that wrong she's actually getting... Ah, shit. Sadly close to the house. And she's moving way too quick. I see her. I can see her from here. She's pissed. Oh, yeah. She is struggling. She's between her teeth. She is pissed.

She's got iodine and... What's the other one? Cyanide. And cyanide in her hands. And she's kicking the door down. She keeps winking at me like I made a mistake. I don't even know this woman. Honestly, the edge of the park is just the beginning of her journey.

This is what I dropped off a fucking year ago, too she was out there getting stronger she is looking husky and hairy right now she is really put it looks like she has the corpse of a different woman that was left there she's eating marty she is eating a roommate you know what marty should know better what do you guys have to plug jake you have anything plug uh snapchat jake demand 85 snap me a picture of your ticket to any of our shows i will snap you back a real happy little picture not of my penis but it'll make you feel my butthole at the very least a little bit of a brown eye and i'm amir bloom that's a m-i-r-b-l-o-o-m on snapchat uh ben thanks for coming on episode 200 i'm so happy 200 episodes guys where does the time go?

I can't believe it's been 100 since we did that. God, it's scary, huh? We're all getting older. Do you feel that all the time? All right, we'll be back on Thursday or Monday of this week. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back soon. If you're in a pen, you don't know what you should do. If I were you, if I were you If I were you the show

Jake and the Maritou Jesus can help you If I were you If I were you the show Give me an answer I really need advice

but If I were you If I were you the show I hope they don't make fun of me Or put me on Monday Blast If I were you, if I were you, the show I'd need some money soon

Is fraud such a bad crime? If I were you, if I were you, the show Should I break up with my lass? She cheated on me twelve times If I were you, if I were you, the show I'd Tinder every day You'd swipe into my thumbsaw If I were you, if I were you, the show

The pinch can help me out I'll just show him a grapple. If I were you, if I were you, the show. If I were you, if I were you, the show. That was a HeadGum Podcast.