Sense of Soul - Free to Be Me (Mande)

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Today I have with me a very special guest who many of you know, as there would be no Sense of Soul with out her! S AND M reconnect in todays episode! Mande and I have known each other for a few decades now, she is one of the strongest person I know and is an inspiration to many, my best friend and co host, Mande Baum (formerly Nantkes). She has overcome death twice, she has battled addiction many times and always wins in the end, she has turned her pain into purpose and her lessons into blessin’s. She may have the mouth of a sailor but Mande is one of the most beautiful humans I know, both inside and out. She has been there for me through thick and thin and is the best friend anyone could for. She founded Sense of Soul podcast with me, and I’ve missed her in this space so much, and I know our Sense of Soul community has too.  As of 2023 Mande retired as co host of Sense of Soul Podcast to pursue the next chapter of her journey. Mande’s heart, wisdom, vulnerability and amazing energy will be greatly missed. The foundation of Sense of Soul will forever hold the energy of the purpose and manifestation of what two best friends wanted to see in the world. Mande’s amazingness remains in over 300 awesome episodes and is a huge part of Sense of Soul’s success. Follow her journey @mnantkes  www.Senseofsoulpodcast.com

Hello, my soul-seeking friends. It's Shanna. Thank you so much for listening to Sense of Soul Podcast. Enlightening conversations with like-minded souls from around the world. Sharing their journey of finding their light within, turning pain into purpose, and awakening to their true sense of soul. If you like what you hear, show me some love and rate, like, and subscribe. And consider becoming a Sense of Soul Patreon member, where you will get ad-free episodes,

monthly circles, and much more. Now go grab your coffee, open your mind, heart, and soul. It's time to awaken. Hey listeners, did you know that I have a holiday giveaway from Jennifer Mitchell with the Soul Travelers podcast? You have until New Year's Day to enter the drawing to win a free quantum healing hypnosis session. Go to Apple Podcasts and subscribe, review Sense of Soul, and take a screenshot.

And if you don't have Apple, then you can comment on my episode with Jennifer on Sense of Soul's YouTube. Take a screenshot and tag Sense of Soul on Instagram at SenseofSoulSOS and listen to Sense of Soul on New Year's Day where I will be announcing the lucky winner. For today's episode, I have a very special guest, one who I've known for a few decades now. She is one of the strongest people I know and is an inspiration to many. She has overcome death twice. She has battled addiction many times and always wins in the end.

She has turned her pain into purpose, her lessons into blessings. She may have the mouth of a sailor, but she is one of the most beautiful humans I know, both inside and out. She has been there for me through thick and thin and is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. She founded Sense of Soul podcast with me and I've missed her in this space. And I know that our longtime listeners of Sense of Soul has missed her too. So please welcome Mandy D-Bomb Diggity Doll. Diggity, diggity. I missed you, Shanna Banana and Sincere Soul. Thank you for having me on.

I know, and you brought your coffee with you. Duh. What are you drinking? Pumpkin Spice Latte. I accidentally got that yesterday and I was pissed. Really? You don't like it? Nah, I just like my same thing. Yeah. Dirty tie.

Yes. You know, and I don't like change actually. So when you decided not to return podcasting, I thought that there was no freaking way that I could do this by myself. No way. You know, what's funny is that I was like, she's going to rock this shit. You did a lot of the stuff anyway, so what the heck? And you're great at making sure you have a bunch of old men on that you can connect with since you love them. I do. But you know what? You're so funny.

Like, when I listen back to, like, old episodes, oh, my God, we had so much fun. And I feel like that's missing. I feel like the millennials get blamed for everything. They do. I did see a millennial correcting everybody and millennials are at home with their parents and they're telling their parents not to go outside. Okay, so who are these young ones out at spring break? Maybe it's our Generation Y or Gen Z. Generation Y to fuck you out at the beach this weekend i'm in florida for parents weekend at florida

atlantic university with trenna and she actually told me that i come with a disclaimer to all of her friends and her friends parents because she's like my mom is really funny but she can also be really inappropriate and i was like good to know good to. I'll try to keep it PG 13. That's so true. I had a guest suggestion the other day, and I shared it with Mandy and I'm not really sure how it came through, but it was a device for like erectile dysfunction or something. And I I was like what yeah it was a cock ring okay whatever and yeah he's like please have him on please I was like come on please I'll interview him I'll definitely join on this one I have so many great questions I want to know if like this ring vibrates you into another dimension or if there's some sort of spirituality, you know, awakening you have, you know, after a certain amount of time of using it.

I didn't even look any further. Well, don't you remember Kung Fu Sex Master we had on? Oh my God. You were hilarious. I still love that intro that you did. I've already learned a little bit already. But let's start out a little slow. And you know, build it up to the bigger questions that we have for you. And, you know, have some resistance and asking you all the good questions prematurely. All right. Sounds good. Yeah, I mean, you were good at that one. So I mean, I don't know, you could have pulled this one off. I just remember we popped on his Instagram and saw that he would carry like very large heavy weights from his testicles. And we were like,

what the fuck? I also heard that it can help you learn how to hold stuff like chandeliers and like, like spit out ping pong balls definitely definitely what was it uh kim anami she's always like she attaches a string to her jade egg and like lifts heavy things with it so that's something you can do as well you know what we always talk about how we'll experience things for our listeners so let's get these eggs and we'll keep you all posted mandy's gonna be like shooting ping pong balls all across the room next week. And do you remember we asked him like, do your neighbors call the police on you? Because he does the naked yoga in his backyard.

We asked if he had an HOA. I do have to ask you though, do you know your neighbors very well? Well, I just, I just moved into a new house. No one's called the HOA on you for being in town. Vitamin D on your private. I've got a privacy screen, so we're all good. What does sunshine do for you? What benefits come from that? Sun is life. The sun is keeping the planet alive. So it's very important for us to get sunlight on our skin, specifically sunlight on the genitals. So I's very important for us to get sunlight on our skin, specifically sunlight on the genitals. So I love to get as much sun as I can.

Having open ass. Oh my God. See, this is Mandy. And this is why, this is going to make me so sad because I really miss that. Okay, well, I guess she'll just have to have me on every once in a while more often. Yes, absolutely. There needs to be a Mandy bomb diggity dog segment.

Yeah. You know what? I am considering changing my last name back. I don't know what other moms out there have advice for me. It's a hard one because your kids have my married name, Nankis. But I miss my maiden name Baum or Baum. It means tree and it's German and I love it. And I've really missed it all along. And so it's tough because then you like go to pick your kids up at school or you go to the doctor with them and you have two different last names and that

feels weird. But at the same time, it's just this condition in our brains that we're supposed to take the man's last name. I don't know. What are your thoughts, Shanna? Went back to Vavra. It just feels right in my bones. Yeah. That whole last name with the kids and all that stuff doesn't bother me whatsoever. It doesn't. Now that I've become aware of the importance of our name.

I mean, I have a friend, Katori, she just changed her name recently and that, you know, there was so much behind why she did it. And I just think that it is a vibration as well as just a name and your Mandy bomb diggity doll. Yeah. Bomb just resonates with like my, know my body like you said like when i say nan kiss it never really sat with me correctly bomb i almost feel like empowered when i say it like there's this and also this connection when i say bomb and it the the tree just represents it means so much to me that it just, yeah, it resonates with me. Yeah.

So I think I'm going to go back to mom. Yeah. Because you're the mom. I am the mom. So, you know what? Why don't we just share with the listeners a little bit about that? Because they haven't heard from you or. Yeah.

You know what's been going on with you. Mandy's talking about name changes because she's no longer married. Nope. So I wouldn't say I had a midlife crisis. Maybe I did. I don't know. I would just call it another layer of an awakening. So people know I'm very forward and very honest. You know how they say, can't beat them, join them. Well, that's what I did, everyone. So after many years of being completely on guard and surrounding myself by a lot of people that were heavy drinkers and partiers, including my spouse, and I joined them. And that took me to some very, very dark places. And those dark places sometimes looked like Parker Valley Hope, which is a rehab here in Colorado. I also went to Cedar.

I went to both of those to detox. I did an outpatient program, but I kept just joining them. It felt easier. It was like the whole, just swim with them down river instead of fighting against them going up river. But it was, it was weird. It was like my nervous system was so shot. I couldn't find another solution. It was either join my husband and his habits and try to make our marriage work or keep trying to fight his ways. And I just, I just, uh, threw in the towel and joined them. And I'll be honest, we got along great when I was drinking and he was drinking. It was, it was like, I leveled down and, and I hate to say that because I'm not saying I'm better than him. I'm just saying that for me in sobriety, I leveled down to that level. And for a

while we got along really well. And it was many nights of just kind of doing what he wanted to do and hanging out on the patio and drinking and watching football. And I became very oblivious to my own needs, my own voice, my own truth, but it sucked me back in super fast. And I knew that wasn't what I wanted. So I kept trying to get sober, kept trying to get sober. But then when I was sober, we wouldn't get along. And I was like, the marriage is important for my children. My daughter was going off to college. Sloan's at an important age. And so it was this weird struggle. And I just, yeah, I lost myself again. It was very interesting. And Shanna saw it coming, of course, because she's like my best friend and knows me better than anyone.

But once again, I found myself in a life or death situation because that's what addiction looks like for me. It's not like I can just drink and go on it quickly within a week or so becomes to the point where I'm drinking in the mornings and my body's reacting. My nervous system is freaking out. I'm having anxiety. I'm sweating. I'm, you know, I pushed people away during this also. So I didn't have a lot of support because I made him my support. So yeah, it was a very, very dark place. I was ashamed that I had 12 years of sobriety went back there again um but then I had a lot of people in AA in the rehabs and that were friends before in the program tell me Mandy it doesn't take away the time you had so that really helped

and I know Shanna you'd said that. But it took me a few times, I kept getting beat down, beat down, beat down. And, you know, so then it got to the point where I had such clarity that I knew what I needed to do. And I got a full time job as a medical transport. And I absolutely love it. And the word that's popping in my mind right now, Shanna, that I know you could appreciate is normalization. So, so much in my world had been normalized for so many years. Some, some of it even back to my childhood that I thought these things were normal. I thought everyone drank. I thought everyone drank the way they do like daily and at night to, you know, come down from their hard day at work. I thought that all people had party animals in their groups as friends. I did not know that like

these people I work with that just drinking like maybe a glass of wine once a year was even a real thing. And then I got invited to a neighborhood party and these people are Italian and Italians love their wine and there was no wine. I was so confused. These children didn't even know what beer and alcohol was. They don't drink. It's, it blew my fricking mind. And I realized just how normalized it was for you. It was for me. Yeah. And almost like brainwashed a little bit, you know? Okay.

So am I not normal? You're so that's just it. You're not, but maybe you are. Cause now that I realized I was brainwashed a bit, you are normal and they're not normal, but what's normal. Maybe no one, I don't like that word. Right. Yeah. True. So, but you know, it's interesting. And I always see it as some families get together and eat and some families get together and drink.

Yeah. So true. And in my family, we've just been get together and eat it's just been eating your asses off yeah Italians eat too so yeah well my family was pretending to be Italian remember I'm funny oh my god yeah you know my family kind did both. My grandma Terry was a hell of a cook, but we didn't honor the food. Like pretzels and corndogs and like beer food. Sometimes. Yes. Sometimes. Yes. But you know, I got this job and, you know, of course, leaving Sense of Soul was hard for me. I felt like it was just time. I was getting a little jaded, honestly, just the schedule, the timing of it. And the fact that I knew, I think subconsciously I knew I was going to need money of my own.

I look back now and it was almost like I was subconsciously pushing people away at the time that I knew I was going to need to disconnect from. I was doing a lot of things preparing me for where I knew I was going. Like you didn't even know, but you were. Yeah. Yeah. My soul was guiding me, but my ego was fighting it. And it was hell. It was fucking hell.

I was very lost, but this job landed in my lap and it just happened to feed my soul. And I was like, okay, I really like it. And I'm making good money. And so now I know that I'm going to be okay. And since the soul was never about money for us, and you always said that, but it was a lot of work. It's a lot of freaking work. It's a lot of hours and a lot of work. Yeah. And that's so much amazing information from guests and books and me and you were constantly researching stuff it was like almost like i feel like i got to a point where my brain was just blown on the wall and i couldn't take any more in yeah i have found that if i don't research a person like we used to then i'm able to give them the space for them to tell me who they are and what their books are

about and a lot of times I don't know that they're like an actor in Hollywood or something and it's really good really and I treat them like they're Joe next door and we just have a very authentic conversation so I'm not speaking about stuff where the listeners can't follow me because they haven't read the book. Okay. So I'm loving this, but you know, I do feel like it's better when I don't know everything about their book. And I tell them that now. That's so interesting. Cause remember there were times where we'd have someone on and then we would call each other and you'd be like, Holy fuck, Mandy. I didn't realize that she was like an actress and was in this big film. I feel like an idiot. There was one that was really

funny. Yeah. She was married to Christian Slater. Okay. I mean, I had that dude on my wall. I would have totally asked her what it was like to be married to them. Maybe she doesn't want to be known as Christian Slater's ex-wife. Maybe it's good that we didn't know this. So I love that you said that because we used to really spend a lot of time making sure we knew so much about that. You did especially. You would read these books in like days. That's crazy. Interviewing authors sometimes three times a week. There's no way I can read everyone's book. And I'm reading stuff, my own research, my own journey. So I'm just very upfront with them. I usually read the preface or the first chapter. I just think it gives space for them to share more too. Yeah. I love it. Yeah.

You know what, Mandy? Let me ask you this though, because this is probably one of my biggest questions from listeners, biggest concerns from people I've mentored. And maybe you could share if this had anything to do with this new transition, this new awakening for you. But as you are awakening and becoming more conscious about everything and noticing, wow, we've got all these patterns that we're just living out. Sometimes one of us is a little bit higher on that journey than the other. Or sometimes people don't even want to be in that journey. They're totally comfortable where

they are. Everything is fine being in that norm. They don't seek growth. And don't take this personal or anything, because I love you dearly. But as you were trying to work on your marriage, I have seen you lower your light to be able to meet other people's needs. Yeah. Well, I'll take it like kind of one step at a time. When I was in it with you and in the podcast with you, like I was so in it. I was so, so in it. And then I started slowly like backing off. I felt like I was having this internal struggle because we'd have on podcasts that were really kind of like bringing topics to the table that I was like, when they were on, I'm like, yes, yes, yes. And it was so like resonating with me. And then I'd

get off and I'd be like, what the fuck? Why did I just, why did I just like, yes, yes, yes. And it was so like resonating with me. And then I'd get off and I'd be like, fuck, why did I just, why did I just like, yes, yes, yes. All that. Like, I'm not totally sure I believe that. But the thing was, I wasn't separating myself from their journey and their experience. I was like trying to make it all part of my journey. And it was weird. It would resonate with me while I was on the podcast with them and then I'd get off and it didn't resonate with me and I was like struggling with it and then I had expectations of where my journey and my awakening was taking me and I got a little stagnant because I started questioning things I also was completely overwhelmed with knowledge. It was so overwhelming at points that I felt unrelatable to just normal society and people. And then I felt like exhausted from it all.

Like I needed some time to step back and I forget who said it. I was, I was texting with someone at the time and they said, sometimes we need, you know, like a spiritual break from our spiritual awakening. We got, we need to recover from it.

And we, we'd been going strong for like three years years it was just so much of my brains were blown on the wall so many of my beliefs so many of my yeah and so I took a step back and then yes I 100% lowered my light back to fit back in I felt like there was no middle ground it's like you're either light as fuck or you got to dim that light down. Be like a nightlight. You're like a nightlight or you're like the fucking sun. There was no middle ground for me because I go all in and I suck at balance.

So I lowered my light back down so that I could kind of be relatable to the people that I love. And then I found myself not knowing who I was again. Because I wasn't speaking my truth and I wasn't living my truth. And it was a very difficult place to be. And you saw it. Because it's almost like you were consciously doing it. You're like, I made a decision to not be in any of this woo-woo stuff. I'm coming down to the earth. I am going to be with people and meet them where they're at. But as you did, you lowered your vibration and in that space, that lower vibration, you were susceptible to earthly things like addiction. Addiction, codependency, letting people into my life that I thought were good for me, that were faithful and true and weren't. Opening a door to people that were more energy suckers

and vampires, people that didn't have my best interest. You couldn't see them from a higher perspective because you were meeting them where they were. Yeah. Seriously. Isn't it? And it happened so fast. That's what's the scariest part for me, because like I could have died easily. You know, I mean, I was scared you would. And it was so interesting because I'm in the most beautiful home I'd ever owned. Most beautiful land with the most beautiful trees with the most beautiful nature.

And I'm oblivious and lost in all of it. And I became so ungrounded. I pushed everything away. I pushed away my energy work, my tarot cards, my saging, my unfuckwithable bubble. I pushed away my meditation. It was absolutely insane. But at the same time, it fits so well with my personality. And when I say that, this is why. Like for in January, started this new job. I go all in because I love it. It's like I go all in because I meet these veterans.

I feel this energy in the VA building. I take these veterans to appointments and they tell me these amazing stories. And that's why I love podcasting because I got to hear people's stories. I get to be their family for like 20 minutes in the van, taking them to where they need to go. It was like I found this other purpose. And so I went all in. I just went straight all in. So I wasn't present at home. I was working insane hours.

Like I really struggle with balance. Would you mind sharing a story? I mean, I love so many of your stories that you have from your new job. I mean, there's, I mean, I've cried, you know, listening to some of these stories. They're so amazing. You've made amazing connections. And this has probably been another huge part of your evolution of your soul. There is the one story, I don't know, you can pick whatever story you want, but I was going to suggest the one where the guy was dying and he had some last requests. Oh God, we've actually had so many die lately. It's heartbreaking.

Just pneumonia on old people, especially ones that are on dialysis. You know, it's interesting. I always find myself in these jobs I love the most where I get to spend their last moments with them, like Children's Hospital. remember, Shanna? True. Well, when you're working with people that are veterans, the one thing that I will say is that 99.9% of them hate our government. That's interesting. You know, I don't blame them. They don't trust them.

You know, trust, trust, trust. The gentleman that I picked up, his sister was living in California and she'd just come out to visit him and she flew home. And the second she flew home, she got a call that he was declining super, super fast. So they called us and said he was in hospice. And his last request was to go home to this super small town here in Colorado, where he lived his entire life. And this gentleman was in his probably late seventies. He requested to go home and die there. And his sister couldn't be here and get here fast enough. And they said, he's got hours. If you're going to come, you have to hurry.

They wanted us to come the next morning and me and my boss, Anthony, like no we'll just come tonight so we found care for our children and we're like let's go let's go do this this is the man's last request and i shit you not we almost hit every storm on the way and i'm not talking small storms there was yeah the largest tornado ever that oh yeah there was softballsized hail that somehow we missed by, like, minutes in this small town on the way to where we were going. It was insane that we kept missing storm after storm after storm. And traffic. We were, people were like, the traffic's so bad here and there. And we'd get there and there was no traffic.

It was like God cleared the path for us to get this manhole. I swear to God. So I went, I climbed back. These are Dodge caravans, not ambulances. It's considered non-emergency transport. So I climbed back there, my long ass legs. And I sit next to this dude on a stretcher and I'm like rubbing him and just talking to him and sharing my story with him about how like like he didn't need to be scared the other side's so beautiful and you know I'm seeing his breathing getting lower and softer and you can tell he's on his way out he's kind of got like this cloudy fog over his eyes you know he but he was comfortable and that's all I cared about. And I held his hand. And let me tell you,

I've held so many patients hands and hands say so much about people. It's like, you can look at their hands and just study their fingernails and their, their knuckles and creases and the veins. I know it sounds so weird, but hands say so much about like a life that a person's lived um so I just held his hand I studied his hand and out of nowhere Anthony who's driving was like oh my god look behind you so we I turn around and I look and there's like the most beautiful like a rainbow with the clouds like opening up like the sky with these rays coming through the back of the van. I took a picture of it. Oh my gosh. So I climbed back up and I take the picture and I send it to his sister and I said, he's peaceful. He's doing great. So we got in there, we get him into the facility. Now, let me just tell you, he's not going home to his house. And this is the type of town where

everyone knows where everyone lives. Everyone in the facility knew him, knew of him, knew of his family. We get him into the facility and we get him into his bed and get him comfy. And we kissed him goodbye. And we walked out and we were so honored, so honored. And that's all he wanted. And we got a call that he'd passed away like hours later. I mean, barely got this man there. If we would have waited, it wouldn't have happened till the next day. And it seems so simple, but it was like this just beautiful moment to know that I could honor someone's very last wish, like their dying wish to get them home. And once he got home, he was able to let go and just go to wherever he thought he was going.

Oh, my God. But there's some intense ones, too. Like I had a patient who was homeless and got pneumonia and COVID. He ended up in a facility. And he told me that he was in Fort Benning in 1972 and that he was plucked out of his bed one night. He went to join the Navy, but they didn't think he was smart enough. So they said, you can join the army. He said he was 17 at the time and he went off to the army and his mom signed off for him. And he got plucked out of his

bed in the middle of the night and he was raped by his Lieutenant. And he said that the next day he remembered talking to other people about it because he had noticed other boys. And he said, it was usually the ones that weren't very elite were getting plucked out of bed. So he, he knew he wasn't the only one it was happening to. So he started talking about it and they didn't like that. And the next thing he knows, he's getting waken up in the middle of the night tied up and water boarded and threatened and then he also got used as a medical rat they started injecting him with random shots of things and then he said they even used a lot of electrical, like, what would you call it? It's like electrical shock. Yeah, on him. And he said that ever since then, he has seizures, and his seizures are so bad that he wasn't able to work. And he ended up homeless, his brain's not the same.

And he remembers it like yesterday. And he was crying as he's telling me this, and I'm taking him to the VA. He's like, I just hope the neurologist today believes my story I need somebody to believe me and I stopped the van and I pulled over and I turned around and I said I believe you and it was like this light just went off and I'm like all he needed was one person to believe him and and in that moment I believed him and he I'll never forget I came back to pick him up and he got in the van and he looked like a completely different person he said the neurologist believed me too he believed me finally people believe me and he's crying right and he smells and he's dirty and he's sick and I just I didn't care I hugged him and I'm like, I'm, I'm so glad that he believed you. So I get him

back to his facility and I go home and I research it and sure as shit, I find his graduating class and find out that 15 guys killed themselves in his graduating class that year in Fort Benning. Like there's, that's, that something's not right. You you know and that's back when the rumors were that they were using some of these guys especially the ones that they didn't think were very smart or very good as in medical experiments yeah that's that mk ultra he said he didn't have a very high iq he didn't have a lot of street smarts. He lived in poverty. He's been homeless this whole time. For years. And you want to know what?

I just found out that he passed away. He passed away like a month after I dropped him off. Because I go to that same facility. He was just so sick from the COVID and the pneumonia. But guess what? I just had the epiphany while I was telling the story is maybe that's what he needed to go and have a peaceful life was for just somebody to believe him. You can't just make that shit up and cry. You know, like he was bawling his face off just wanting someone to believe him. But yeah, it's a it's an emotional job. But at the same time, it's also so rewarding. Sometimes I'm like, I wish I had a podcast in my van be interviewing people on their deathbed

which a lot of them a lot of them get better it's really opened my eyes to our health care and the issues within that system it's opened my eyes to how we don't take care of our elderly the way we should it's opened my eyes to how the VA has gotten better but it's still not good enough. It's opened my eyes to just unacceptable situations. Like I have a Vietnam vet. She's a flight nurse. They've been out of catheters for six weeks. So she's literally reusing a catheter on herself for six weeks. What? They're out of catheters? Yeah. And there was also a nationwide shortage of oxycodone. So they started giving all of our patients morphine and the Latin. So what do you think that means?

Like just you hear and come across the craziest stuff. Our medical programs are just, especially nursing homes and long-term facilities. They're just, they're so short staffed. The people that are getting contracted in don't care. We have a very huge problem right now within healthcare. It's terrifying. So I didn't plan on throwing this out there on the podcast today, but for people who have elderly parents, do your homework because these facilities might look like four-star resorts on the outside, but I go into them on a daily and they're not getting the PT that they need. Then they're getting atrophied. Then they're getting bed sores. Then they're getting infection. Then they're getting septic and then they're dying. I see it every day.

So disturbing. It is. And they're treated like shit. They're pressing the call button and the nurses aren't going in. They're so short-staffed. The nurses can't get to them in time. Screaming for help. They're not getting the physical therapy three times a week. So they're atrophying, which, and they're weaker. And then they have to stay there longer. And then they make more money.

Like it's so twisted. And a lot of them don't have anyone to advocate for them. So really, really do your homework. And really, really set with your family, your boundaries and your goals for yourself when you're that ill, because you don't want to land in one of these places. I can promise you that. Just devastating. But you know what? God just found another spot for me to be, to share my empathy from my own experience with these people. And also a lot of times I get to tell them like, you don't be afraid of death. Like, so what another cool opportunity. And, and, and I'm a kind of a take charge person. So my boss like adores me because I go into these facilities and the patient has surgery in an hour and they're

still asleep. So I just walk in, I grab their purse, I get them dressed, I put on an adult diaper. I do everything that I'm not, I'm not supposed to do any of that. I'm a transport. I just go above and beyond. And I love the company. We all do it. We get them prepared. We get them on the stretcher. We get them to the hospital. We get them to the surgeries. Sometimes the doors open where I get to share my, all of my wisdom and knowledge that I learned through Sense of Soul and my life experiences. And a lot more of these elderly people are awake than we think. They're in their wisdom. I'll freaking love old people. Yeah, I get it.

I get it. You can learn so much from them. They have seen so much, especially in their lifetime. I imagine more than any generation before. The Vietnam vets are the ones that I'm just like, my mind like oh my god the stuff they've seen but you know I guess the main thing that's interesting to me is the Vietnam vets a lot of them really look at our soldiers today as like excuse my language but kind of pussies because they're like oh you think you have PTSD you have no fucking clue we were walking over hundreds of dead people at a time so a lot of times I have to say to them, yeah, but you can't compare your trauma to someone else's.

Not only that, your little brother died. So, you know, it is hard for generations to understand each other, but I think you agree that, you know, pain is hard to judge it. Totally. It's a different world now. They're different. Speaking of pain, I was kind of reflecting back on like just the, the rollercoaster. I always go back to that article I wrote on our website about the rollercoaster. You know, I consciously got back on it. It's, it's so funny. Why, why do we do that? Why do we, why do we choose to get back on this crazy rollercoaster? So I got

back on that crazy rollercoaster in my marriage. And now that I'm like out of it and I've got my own town home and I've met some really amazing, solid, supportive friends that don't drink a lot. My nervous system isn't always on like overload. Yeah. I'm looking for chaos. That's what I think happens is that when you're off the roller coaster, you're still seeking that feeling, that adrenaline, that chaos. And so, you know, you have, you can find it in healthy ways. It's kind of like, you know, with any addiction, it's the same. Just now when you were speaking that I was thinking I never actually really got off the roller coaster if I'd meant it. Because what I did is I thought getting off the roller coaster

meant quitting drinking. No, because what I did was I still stayed in the chaos. I just was sober and everyone else around me wasn't. For all those 12 years I was sober. My nervous system always was still in flight because I was on edge. I had to always have my guard up. So my nervous system is still to this day, that's the one thing that intrigues me the most about our bodies is our nervous system. You know me, Shanna, back in the day, I was all about nervous system, nervous system, nervous system and researching it, trying to figure it out. And you're right so then I get off the roller coaster completely I detach with as much love as I possibly can from his family even some of the

friends that are the best people in the world I know that there's their lifestyles just aren't they just don't mesh with mine and to not have that adrenaline going all the time, it took some getting used to. Yeah, because you're like, what is this quiet? What is this space? Do I need to fill it? Yeah. Because your brain's always looking for it because that's what you've been doing for so long. And I think I do feel it now that we're talking about it.

Maybe I feel it with these people's stories. But that's in a healthy way and so that's okay right exactly yeah healthy way to put that energy you know yeah i will tell you for all those women out there or men who've been thinking for a very long time that possibly their marriage needed to be walked away from oh my god it's like it sucks so fucking bad when you're in it divorce is terrible i tell people all the time getting divorced is worse than my near-death experience like the recovery from being in a coma the addiction even it was worse like when i think of my coma or my addiction it's like i'm i'm army crawling through like this mucky mud and like my bones or my body is so exhausted.

This was worse. This was like going through like hardening cement. You were like in Vietnam. Yeah. It's literally like you question everything. You're so upset. The emotions are high. You're fighting about money.

They're telling you, you know, one thing. You're trying to decide if you get lawyers. You're worried about your children's mental health. You've got a young one. You've got an older one. You're fighting about money. They're telling you, you know, one thing you're trying to decide if you get lawyers, you're worried about your children's mental health. You've got a young one, you've got an older one. You're moving again. Your whole world is blown into pieces and there's no time to even like honor the good in it ever because it just gets so ugly, so fast for, for a lot of us anyway. But once you get through it, it's like, why the fuck didn't I do this before? Well, remember that one time, I don't know if it was Sarah, maybe from help me be me podcast. I want to say that she said, when you are trying to leave a relationship with a narcissistic personality anyways sometimes takes seven times well i'm probably on number seven because y'all have been divorced before and then remarried

and then you left and tried it before yeah you've tried it many times it's this really freeing space it's like you just literally don't care. You're like, you can go tell the whole world whatever you want that makes you feel better. I don't care as you're just sitting there in your quiet little town home. You know, I don't even have a fucking TV. It's so great. I don't have a TV. It's so quiet. It's so great. But the point I was trying to make was once you get out of it, you know, he's dating and he's enjoying life. So here he thought it was going to be so terrible. Yeah. And he said to me, Mandy, this is, this is, I'm not, I'm really enjoying life.

And I said, I am so fucking happy. That's all I wanted for you. And I'm, I'm really enjoying life too. But when we were in it, it was like, we thought it was going to be terrible. He thought it was going to be the worst. We thought of, I mean, your mind tells you so many stories and then we got through it and he's happy and he's traveling and he's going to the mountains and he's dating and he's, he's, and I'm over here, like working my job and, you know, being able to get back into my spirituality and speak my voice again and meet new friends. And you get this outside perspective where you're like, oh, my God, I cannot believe I stayed on that roller coaster for so long. Dude, I wouldn't go on a roller coaster right now if you paid me a million dollars to go to the amusement park.

I swear to God, the show was like whiplash. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. Well, you want to know it, Shanna? I think that there was a point in my life last year, at the beginning of the year, where I just blew up everything I could at one time on purpose, subconsciously. I blew up our friendship for a minute.

I blew up Sense of Soul's exit. I blew up my marriage. I blew up relationships, friendships. I blew up connection. I blew up my meditation, my grounding, my earth, my lands, my home. I don't know what the hell I was doing. It was almost like I needed a fresh start of some sort. And so I felt like I had to break down the house in order. I had to be dramatic and like make it all tumble down to the ground and build it back up. It's insanity the way I went about it, but I guess everything happens exactly how it's supposed to. I don't know. I tell my mom all the time, all the wisdom and knowledge I've gotten, all the tools that we've been given through the blessings of life. And then I get into this situation.

I don't use one fucking tool. Throw out the window. But looking now, so you must have evolved to finally be able to find this freedom for yourself. I've had a lot of people tell me that they're like, we know you're not pregnant because you're like 47, but you're glowing. You're glowing, Mandy. And I was like, really? And they're like, I just see it in your pictures. I see it when I talk to you. There's that divorce quote. I think you even told me that after I left my first. So weird. And I have no regrets. I really don't. I guess the only regret I have is like time. We just can't get enough time in life.

That's why it's so important to be present, right? Yeah. I just glad we survived it. I mean, I knew we would, but I just, my mind was in such mush you know what i kept saying i know that when she's able to be honest with herself and when she's able to come back to herself she will come back to me and now it's time for break that shit down. For listeners out there, I am living proof that the second you consciously choose to lower your vibration, everything goes out the window. Like synchronicities weren't happening. My mediumship wasn't happening. The wisdom wasn't coming. The knowledge wasn't coming.

Your relationships. Like I remember you were so distant from your mom which you never have been everybody like you're cut off I was disconnected yeah and I'll tell you it's so interesting what brought me back I was at an avalanche game and ran into an old friend from high school and he had been trying to connect with me for years because our parents still live by each other. And he said, hey, I just saw on Facebook that you're at the abs game. And I think you're sitting in the section by me.

And I said, I am. And so he goes, meet me at the top of the stairs. So I said, Kurt, I want you to come with me and meet my friend. So we go up to the top of the stairs. And he's standing there. And the game's on the TV tv and you can hear him screaming and this dude is a hot he plays hockey he's played hockey his whole life he don't give a fuck about the hockey game he's just looking at me like how are you how's life have you been are you okay like when we sat there and Kurt grabbed a beer and was like,

I got to get back down to the game. Kurt had asked him if he wanted a beer and he said, I don't drink. So he walked away and I said, you don't drink. And he, and he goes, no, he's like, I feel like it totally lowers my vibration and life is too precious to walk through life with a lowered vibration. And I was like, whoa. And that was like the first moment where I realized all that normalization that I was talking about at the beginning of the podcast, that with me, like, wait a minute. Wow. Okay. So like you never drink.

And he's like, no, like maybe I'll have a sip of a beer or wine, like once in a blue moon. And that was that tiny little thread of bringing me back. And then I and then he's the one that ended up offering me the job. And then he's the end of one introduced me to new friends and people that that it's not normal. So it was interesting how like slowly just one person can bring me back. I mean, I was walking around like a zombie. And it's not a fun place to be, especially after you have been living in the space that we live in now with awareness. Yeah.

I'm going to flip this interview on you. Like, I mean, what was it like for you to have to get out of your norm and interview people on your own? You said you don't like change. Yeah, I don't like change yeah i don't well i have to say while mandy was going through all the things that she did in 2022 barely it was 2022. i had pulled myself in because i was on this journey of sophia and reading the gnostic gospels and it was kind of a lonely journey because there's not a whole lot of people out there who are studying the Gnostic Gospels. I didn't want to seek a lot

of information outside. And one of the things that happened, I think that was the most crazy thing is that I stopped relying so much on seeking guidance outside of me. Like I don't necessarily have a spirit guide in my journey right now. I mean, it truly is my higher self that's guiding me through this. So yeah, there's been a lot of shifting in how I trust myself and how I, my relationship with myself. It's very interesting. I would almost say because Mandy was off, you know, on her own journey, I became like the closest person to me. You became your own best friend. Yeah, pretty much so if i needed to know something or wanted to tell somebody something i didn't have that need anymore

so then if the zombie a pop i can't say that word apocalypse is that right apocalypse yeah here we go if it comes and you're the last person on earth you could you know i always ask people that question you could be on earth alone happy yeah not too many people can say that no i mean i really would i might even definitely choose that even though i i do understand that oxytocin is important and you know stuff yeah yes i mean i just it's very interesting so this happened at a time when i was just coming into this and so i think it was divine i think it was what is sophia where does sophia play into that like her teachings trusting yourself it was jesus's teaching so i'll give it to jesus but the story of sophia is our story and it is finding our divine light within yeah yeah and i'm truly that's why i want

to write this book that's why i want to share So I just talk about her all the time. I can't see it. So I was sick of it. And probably you do too, or maybe even the listeners, but I can't explain any other thing that has happened. You know, it also could have been that you were on your own journey. And so you weren't, you know, that other half of me at the time either, you know? So when you say that, it literally makes my insides like nervous for myself what i mean by that is not having another person to bounce my thoughts off of my ideas off of my emotions off of is fucking terrifying to me and it goes back to what i've always said is i have issues with self-trust i think many people do oh yeah probably one of the hardest things it is it is okay if i figure out all of this how if i did this i mean i will for sure make a workshop or some sort of video

i'll definitely let you know but i think that is true mandy that's what's happened because sometimes when i'm listening to our guest and I still say our, in fact, someone yesterday, they said, what do you mean our podcast? She goes, me and you? And I was like, oh no, I was talking about Mandy. So it's still hard to shift that. But plus it is still our podcast. I mean, this sense of soul wouldn't be without you. But you know, what's interesting is that I hear people talk about asking for guidance from a spirit guide or protecting yourself using like Archangel Michael or even the unfuckable bubble or all this. I don't need any of those things. I don't need it. None. I don't need to seek wisdom in books online. I really, truly, yeah, I do bounce it off of myself.

The only thing we need to Google for is to make sure that the shit flying over your house is actually not Starlink and it's aliens or vice versa. Yes, I've had a lot of crazy, there's been a lot of crazy things in the sky. Maybe it's Project Bluebeam. I don't fucking know. The rabbit holes, right? I no longer seek anymore like that it stopped and i

said but i felt like you know when i was on my journey for my ancestry i got so obsessed with it i mean six years i never thought it was gonna end then the sofia journey came and like the same thing happened and then all of a sudden there was just the space. And I was like, what do I do with that? Am I going to go down something new? Am I going to look for something new? Kind of like what we were just talking about. Am I going to get on another rollercoaster or whatever?

Interesting. No. And now with all of this new AI technology, podcasting is so much easier. Just so the listeners know, Shanna, okay, I just have this like visual of you. She's got her hose, her watering hose. Yes. In her hands, watering her fucking house, editing. Then she would pause and sit on a rocking chair on her front porch and edit some more and

edit some more and edit some fucking more it was her whole life it was her whole life but do you miss that at all the editing oh no i still do because when i get to edit myself when i get to listen to it again i am no longer the one in the interview. I am actually listening to it for the first time. It's a totally different. I feel like that's also why you absorbed more and notice more of the podcast than I did. Cause I would experience it right here right now. And then you would take it and edit it. And when you do that,

you're here, different things. You're like, Oh my God, did you catch this? And did you catch this? Yes. So I don't want to give all the power up to AI. However, in that space now, I have space to

be creative and then maybe follow through some of those things that I want to do. So two things popped to my mind. Do you think spirit guides are there until you need them? Do you think spirit guides are a figment of our imagination? Do you think spirit guides are just like there to help you get through that hump until you get to where you're at now? Like, what do you, what do you think? I think that, I think that's exactly what it is. I think that they just, they come in and out of your life sometimes just like humans.

Okay. Yeah. Stay with us and be there for us when we need them, when the time is right. And then someone else will come in. It's not that I don't know that if I needed to call on David, the mute monk, but I think he was in a past life is what I believe. I think that a lot of the guides that I had were very masculine. Archangel Michael. I think that most of of the guides that I had were very masculine. I mean, Archangel Michael, I think that most of my guides were always masculine and they had to step back for me to be able to fully receive the feminine. And also I think it came in a divine time as I'm moving into the crone. And the crone being wisdom and me being able to really embrace this aging process.

Me and Shannon, my friend Gina and Carol went to eat a couple weeks ago. We hadn't seen each other for like a year. And Shannon, you went on this tangent, like you were so passionate about it. For like a solid 10 minutes, No one else said a word. And it was fucking great. Like if I had that shit recorded, it was amazing. Me and Gina were talking about something. Oh girl, you know, a couple of years for me was I can truly with every single ounce of me

understand because I've experienced it, not being attached in an unhealthy way to people, anything. That's what true sovereignty is. It's even that for me, when it comes to, I used to be so mad about the Catholics or about the government or this or that. Unless somebody

lights a fire under my ass, which they might. As of right now, I'm just like, I don't even care. I've been getting a fire lit under my ass and it's so fucking unexpected. Yeah? I have been finding myself landing accidentally through terrible

driving and directions in front of Lutheran churches. And then I keep having Martin showing up and I keep having like shows popping up. All my synchronicities have been towards Lutherans and Martin Luther. Yeah. It's like there's some unfinished business I need to go back and look at. There's something that I'm supposed to be told and I don't know why. And yes, Shanna,

how weird that I suck at fucking directions so bad and I'm a terrible driver. And that's what I'm doing for a living. These poor people. I, if they only knew they would not get in your van. Oh, I tell them,

I tell them all the time. I tell them all the time. I'm like, i don't even know where west is no but you have gps so we have gps thank god thank god somehow i still fuck it up somehow i still fuck it up really be on that last breath but you'll get him there i know it's crazy you know mandy and i had so many adventures this is just another it's just yeah yeah i'm gonna cry because i love you oh god girl that was it was painful i missed you so damn much since the soul and my listeners to you guys and don't make me cry shanna i missed you guys too

i i feel like part of me owes you an apology just for like disappearing but also like part of me knows that you know we've got to just trust the journey and and that was part of mine and it was tough and I'm sure it was tough on on listeners too yeah our families were confused even I mean we talked every day all day long I missed you and I missed I missed all of it here Here's the thing. So not attached because I know that my soul will always be connected to you. Yes, I agree. I agree. That was just the thing. You know, I knew when you came home to yourself.

God, I love that. I love you. I love you. Thank you for having me on. And so I heard that you put together a whole bunch of funny-ass bloopers of us. Is that true? I do. Oh, my God.

You're the funniest fucking person ever. We just jump on into this. I'm going to go ahead and introduce you, and I hope that I don't swatter your name, but I'm going to practice it for a minute. Christiana Mechelenberger. Michelle Berger. Michelle. No, Michaelchelenberger. Michelberger. Michel. That's the same Mechelenberger. Okay.

Michelberger. Yeah, quite close. Mechelenberger. Say it again. Michelberger. Oh, like Michelle. Right, right. Right, Michelberger. Okay. All right. Well, here we

go. Let's give it a shot. Today on Sense of Soul, we are so excited about our guest, Christiane, Christiane, Michelle Berger. Are we like on the other side of a pond? Is there a pond between the U.S.? Or why do you guys say on the other side of the pond? I thought you said it. I've never heard of a pond. You've never heard of that? I thought it was an American expression.

I was trying to make everyone feel at home. Today, Kevin joins us to share with us his newest book harvest the true story of alien abduction the cheering accounts of a woman from pembrokeshire in 2009 who believes that she was abducted by aliens and the terrifying events that followed so i'm brutally honest and raw and um at the very end where i said sleep, I screenshotted that and circled it and sent it to Shannon and said, fuck you, Gavin, fuck you. If you know a movie's good or a book's good, if you can't stop thinking about it. And I couldn't stop thinking about it. Thank you for giving me the platform. You two are so amazing. I was listening to you both today,

right? You were so kind and generous and listening to you both today right you were so kind and generous and supportive to my authors my authors love you and if people say what do you mean it's authors i'm a publicist for john hunt publishing and these two shane and mandy work so hard and they treat every guest as if they're like the set and come in a christ they give them the red carpet treat they promote them they understand them and that's where you you guys do really really well so you understand what our authors convey whether they've been run over by a train and their arm came out whether they had a chance encounter with paulo coelho whether they can speak the dead people or whatever the case or in tune with the divine consciousness you guys guys get it. You guys are vessels.

You are like angels walk amongst the earth. And your mission is to spread this to as many people as possible. And you're doing a great job. Oh, there's an telegram. The Grinch is left. Some guy that looks like a hillbilly cutting somebody's hedge out there. It's like Chainsaw Massacre.

You know, and he looks frightening. And I'm saying, how could you do this? This is my first podcast, you know? I told Shanna and I'm saying how could you do this this is my first podcast you know I told Shanna that I adore your husband too I think it's so cute how he joins in with you and he supports you I'm the chatty one so it's like when he tries to get a word in he's getting nothing girls right I'm like a shrink that'll do donkey that'll do now you understand that I will occasionally swear and i do american accents because i feel most comfortable with americans i love you yes i love being scottish

you know okay the new jimmy i i you know all that we don't speak like that it is a myth we don't have here well we do have hairy assholes right i've not seen my assholes since 76 do you know i don't know why you end up with asshole here because it must be like billy connelly says the body's preparing for something that we don't know what it's about why have i got a hairy asshole that looks like lionel richie's chin i don't know but i've been holding back thinking i can't see what I want to see but my guys are saying just get it out girl just get it out we are going to share with you our own personal amateur investigation that we attempted a local haunted place called third bridge

so I picked up Mandy and I brought my oldest daughter with me. That's totally fine. A bad word happens. i heard it on the podcast and i was like yep these are my girls no i was like yeah i can hang with these girls and thank you for you know holding this safe container you know sense of soul because that's important for many of us to be able to feel safe so we can reveal our ourselves you know so So thank you, my sisters. I love you dearly both. Thank you. For sure. Wow. So Mandy and I do this thing called break that shit down, which you kind of just did. Break that shit down. Yes. Oh, wait, can you say that again? Break that shit down. That does something nice for another person that does something nice

that reaches this maniac Putin on the other side and finally makes him stop killing the people in the Ukraine and all because you did something nice over here. So you're telling me you don't have value. You don't see your value, but you can if you stay here. So why don't you stay here and let's start working on seeing your value. Vincent, who are you? Who? Oh, my God. I think we just had like a profound TED Talk on this whole podcast. I like that.

I can't even get it. All the talking I'm doing, I can't even get a TED Talk. Would you believe that? Well, fuck Ted. Fuck Ted. I know somebody is. I hope they're enjoying it. I'm not.

Oh, my God. I love love you thank you so much I can't describe what a joy it has been to get to know both of you you are first of all a remarkable pair I can feel the the your the way your energies are mixed blended in a in such a creative constructive way that's a really touching, actually. And aside from that, each of you is a very precious being. And I really appreciate the knowledge, the struggle, the revelation that you have accumulated in this lifetime. It is felt in every sentence and in every expression.

So thank you for that. Yeah, I have a podcast called The Healthy Mindfuck, which these amazing women are both going to be on. Go check that out. It's everywhere that there's podcast machines. Well, congratulations for doing life. Great. That's awesome.

Yeah, living single dad and following your passion and turning your pain into purpose and being vulnerable. I mean, I just love you. I want to put you in my pocket. In your pocket. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. The color on this thing. So it doesn't look like I'm blushing. Amazing. For you guys listening, go freaking review and leave a comment for their podcast. You guys have no idea how helpful that is to getting like the message out for these ladies.

And they are amazing. So do them a huge favor. Do yourself a favor. Awesome. This is the part I always hate, the goodbye and pressing the leave button on Zoom. Thanks for being with us today. We hope you will come back next week if you like what you hear don't forget to rate like and subscribe thank you we rise to lift you up thanks for listening