Sense of Soul - From Heartbreak to Heart Awake

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

Today on Sense of Soul Podcast we had a great conversation with Ryan Drewes, who lives a nomadic lifestyle on the road as a photographer, and self published author who went “From Heartbreak to Heart Awake”, in his new self help/ poetry book, guiding people through break-up. Filled with poetry pieces, writing prompts for the reader and space to journal in. His discovery that “The healing heart knows it starts from within.” In 2012 while Ryan was traveling through the Caribbean, he received an intuitive hit that there’s more to life than we’ve been led to believe. 4 years later his 10 year relationship ended, and his entire world got flipped upside down, but this specific break-up unlocked so much magic for Ryan. He begin to work in himself, and therapy helped him opened up to old wounds which lead to him slowly into  healing and after some major realizations, he finally mustered enough strength to walk away from the relationship that was not serving his soul. Ryan sold his landscaping business and hit the road,  to live out of my truck full time. Always having a passion to write, while on the road he self published the book,  Today Ryan continues to follow  the path of least resistance, turning his pain into purpose.  Ryan hopes with his book and through sharing his story and journey on social media, creating a safe place for people to come to speak about heartbreak. To not hide from it and numb it away. Follow his journey on Instagram @ryan.j.drewes, where you can find his whole story. Just scroll back over the years.   Also on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ryan.j.drewes https://www.facebook.com/groups/heartbreaktoheartawake Order his book “From Heartbreak to Heart Awake”, and his book “Wondering for Words” here at www.ryanjdrewes.com Don’t forget to rate, follow and leave us a comment! Please go check out our Sense of Soul’s merch and workshops including Shanna’s CLEAR ancestry workshop and learn more about us @ www.mysenseofsoul.com! Exclusively NOW on Sense of Soul Patreon  is the 777 Chakra Journey, 7 weeks 7 Chakras, Shanna’s mini-series about her ancestral journey, “Untangled Roots” and Mande’s mini series about her two NDE’s and much more.  https://www.patreon.com/senseofsoul NEW!! SENSE OF SOUL’S NETWORK OF LIGHTWORKERS! https://www.mysenseofsoul.com/sense-of-soul-affiliates-page  

Welcome to the Sense of Soul podcast. We are your hosts, Shanna and Mandy. Grab your coffee, open your mind, heart, and soul. It's time to awaken. Today we have with us Ryan Drews. He is a self-published poetry self-help book author who turned his pain into purpose by helping guide people through heartbreak. After a few bad relationships, getting some therapy, and doing some self-work, he sold his landscaping business and hit the road and is now living out of his truck full-time, continuing to write while being on the road, following the path of least resistance. And he hopes with his books that he can speak to people who are also experiencing heartbreak and sharing his story

on his social media, where he created a safe place for people to come and speak about heartbreak. We are so excited to talk to Ryan and find out where he's at and where he's going and about his beautiful books that he has written. So where are you at right now, Ryan? I am currently in Montana right now. Sold my landscaping business and stuff last year and I hit the road in September. So I kind of built a little camper in the back of my truck and I've been on the road since last September. So I've been in Montana for the summer and I just kind of, I've had no pull to go anywhere else. I started in Missoula, outside of Missoula, but the job I was working at didn't work out up there. So now I'm down in Big Sky. Okay. You talked about taking the path of least

resistance. And I loved when you, you use the word resistance. Shannon and I talk a lot about what that looks like for us. What did you mean by that? And also, if you could just kind of, you know, tell our listeners a little bit about the pain that unfortunately has put you on this path of purpose. Well, this really started back in 2012. I was in the middle to later stages of a 10 year relationship. So I guess I was like 32 at the time. But I was traveling to the Caribbean islands and I just got hit with this aha moment. You know, I'm in the middle of the ocean, I'm watching mountains go by, the sun's out. And I said, wow, there's so much more to life than what we're led to believe. So came back from that trip

and then I started to really evaluate sort of my drinking habits, my eating habit. I kind of went into this healthy kind of lifestyle, living lifestyle. So fast forward a couple of years and I started changing. And my ex, well, my girlfriend at the time, she's like, you're changing. She's like, she didn't say she didn't like it, but she liked sort of the old me, the drinker, the person who didn't give a shit, the person who ate whatever, kind of all this stuff. So we fast forward to 2016. We're about a week away from going away together, and she broke it off.

Weren't engaged, weren't married. Pickups on both ends to why that never happened, but that's a whole other story. But anyway, she ended it. I wasn't too in shock about it. I knew things were kind of coming to a close but it's still you know it's still hurt 10 years together i try to explain to some people whether you're married or not especially someone like me you put your heart and soul into a relationship for 10 years that's a big ass chunk of your life like a big ass chunk of your life yeah so

so she leaves and pretty much this stilts got kind of knocked out from under me. Like I had just started kind of building my landscaping business into something good. And it was like the universe just was like, no, like you're sort of on this new path now. So continue on. So for about the next couple of months after that, I was kind of struggling a little bit. I was kind of reverting back to the old ways, old habits, drinking more, doing this, doing that. Because I thought to myself, well, these people don't like new me. So I might as well just go back to old me. And there was a real kind of tug of war there. Eventually, I went into therapy, which kind of just opened up my entire world. I wound up going

back into a previous relationship where I was cheated on in my, in my younger twenties and just started kind of connecting the dots together. I started writing, writing was a way out of my head. I could always write better than I could verbally speak. So I started writing poetry. I started writing pieces. I started writing really dark pieces that people were actually like worried about me for a little bit. That was fine. I'd never had suicidal thoughts or anything. But anyway, the writing was real healing for me. And then things just kind of slowly, it was almost like I'd always take two steps back and then one step forward, two steps back and one step forward. So just I had to keep moving forward with like a lot of my life starting over, getting rid of my business, moving out of the house, selling the house and like going out to what I'm doing now.

And then I met, you know, a lovely girl. So we started sort of just dating. I don't know if we were dating, but I thought I had met my person, my it. Like everything I wrote about this person was like, doo-doo-doo, it just matched up. I'm like, oh shit. And then some of my old just wounding came up.

It just triggered this whole avalanche. Like this person turned out to be not who I thought she was gonna be. It turned out to be not who I thought she was going to be. It turned out to be a very hard lesson, a very good lesson. I had heard about the term narcissist before, but never really put two and two together. I'm not sure if she was or not, but there was just a lot of stuff that went on in it that looking back now, it was just crazy, crazy stuff. Eventually, I wound up ending that. walked away from it's the first relationship I walked away from I have a habit of holding on for things for too long I know why and where that stems from but as soon as that ended hit the road

and everything just kind of snowballed to where I'm at now so here I am that's pretty much my story it sounds like you're a seeker and a wanderer now. Do you feel like you've always been seeking this happiness outside of you, this love outside of you? Oh, for sure. Looking back now, at the time, no. At the time, you just think you're in it. You're doing what you're doing. But looking back, yeah.

I mean, I never drank alcohol until I was 20 21 yeah i guess 21 and i can see now why i turned into sort of this binge drinker and because it connected me with people and i made friends like i don't i don't have any regrets on the people i met on any regrets on the things that i did but the drinking sort of let me feel something like a connection because in grammar school i was pretty normal in grammar school i had had friends. I did my thing. But when I got to high school, it was like a switch. I just shut down. Like I didn't really talk to anyone. I felt like an outcast. I didn't feel like I belonged. So for four years of high school, it was pretty tough. I mean, I was never bullied, but like I didn't go to prom. I didn't go to sporting events. I didn't go to dances. And I

have no one to blame but myself for that. But I just felt like to sporting events. I didn't go to dances. And I have no one to blame but myself for that. But I just felt like an outcast. So once I got into college and started meeting people, that's when I just started connecting. And like I said, the drinking just sort of added to it. And I was like, oh, I found my, you know, my group of people. And then that just lasted how many years? So then it almost sounds like you're trying to fill this hole that you felt within yourself with something whether it was going to be a relationship or alcohol yeah some sort of energy you felt like you needed to fill and you were seeking it outside of yourself yes yes yes i can

remember going to a meeting in alcoholics anonymous i know, I've got years of sobriety and I remember them telling me that I was lucky because I have such a outgoing personality and easily connect with people and that there are people that have to use the alcohol just to kind of come out of their shell. And I will say there's a lot of truth in that. So I understand what you're saying. I do feel like that kind of made it easier for me to be able to live without the alcohol because I'm naturally able just to connect and have fun and be outgoing. So I understand what you're saying. Shanna and I, a lot of times throughout our journey, have found that there are synchronicities and signs from the universe that kind of have led us on this path of non-resistance.

So we know that when we get these signs or these synchronicities not to resist the path, because if we do, usually you're going to find that you're going to kind of be either slapped in the face by the universe or not supported. And we definitely figured that out once we started following those signs. Did you have any signs or synchronicities besides these crumbling relationships that led you to where you are today? Oh, for sure. I mean, intuitively, I mean, I was getting hits when I was around 32 to stop drinking and I just didn't listen. I weaned myself off of drinking. I'm lucky that I didn't have to go into AA and stuff like that. So it took me a really long time to kind of wean off of that. And then numbers, you know, I see a lot of numbers, triple tw triple twos triple fives i kind of try and follow

those numbers if i see stuff like that and i kind of follow that and then sometimes you're like and you guys know too probably like sometimes you see this stuff and you think it doesn't work out and you're like but it does work out but it doesn't work out and you're like screw this i'm done with all this like signs be gone like get away from me leave me alone you know what i'm saying so um yeah i try to follow the numbers and then just really intuitively just kind of working on that. And that takes, I'm still working on that. Like that just takes a lot of time to, to know when something feels right and something feels wrong and when something feels wrong, but it, but it's really right. So it's a lot of just fine tuning. Yeah. It's really a lot of like think yourself too. And sometimes when we've

been through so many relationships that we thought were going to be the one, we kind of lack that self-trust. Did you have that as well? Self-trust. Yeah. You know, even now I look going forward, I've been single for like two years now, especially after my last partner. I go into things a little more cautious and I don't date, I don't really date a lot. I don't date often, but I try not to compare my past to my present, but it's hard not to sometimes. It's hard not to be like, why is this going to be any different? And then you see it's the same and you're like, well, do I pull the ripcord? Or is this just like a lesson to get over that hump? Does that sort of make sense?

Like, I think there are definitely signs when you need to kind of pull the ripcord on a relationship or meeting a new person. There'd be enough signs there for you to pull back. But it's like, when do you pull back? I forget if it was a therapist or someone was on a podcast talking about this and they were like, oh, you know, it was help me be me. It was Sarah, maybe who I love. I love her. I love that podcast. She said if people leave after like, I think it was like after 10 times of actually trying to leave.

Like that was like an average. That sounds like you were in a pretty verbally abusive relationship possibly gaslighting if you know there was some sort of narcissistic personality going on you know how did you eventually leave i just mustered up enough strength between going to therapy and some friends um it was tough i was teetering. And I even told my therapist, I was at a point, and this was only, this relationship was only eight months, nine months. So I can't imagine someone that's been in it for years. I mean, I was starting to question my therapist who I'd been going to for years. Like this person was actually like just mind-deafing me so much. So it was a real teeter, but something down I knew like this is wrong this is this

is not right and I think had I not done all the work previously I would have been in it I would have just been like yeah this is just part of a relationship you fight you make up you get over it you know like and stuff like that sometimes people are not present enough to actually even bring attention to what is happening you know what i mean like it just becomes like this normal dysfunction that you live in like you're as sick as the person you know you both are sick and so then once you become present to what's happening you can kind of pause and step back you're like what the fuck what am i putting up with yeah and you know that doesn't absolve me from my stuff you know my my hiccups still pop up from time to time so i don't want to come across like i'm this perfect person who has all my

shit figured out because i don't and my wounds still show up here and there but you're able to kind of take a step back and see the person for who they are. And you realize like they're treating you how they were treated as a child. And I don't think a lot of people put two and two together. They're just like that bitch, that asshole. But when you take, it doesn't make it right. It doesn't make, yeah, it doesn't make it right to be treated that way. But when you take a step back and you see this person for who they are, it gives you just a different perspective. It does. And I always feel like when you realize that you also see that you've allowed that you've allowed yourself to be like this place where they could put all of that. Yeah. And so it's all it is on you, right? Like

they have their pain, but it's on you, but you've allowed them to take all that and put it on you. Like as their safe haven in some way, or it feels good. I mean, nobody wants to sit in their own shit. We talk about this all the time and, you know, it feels so much better to have somebody just sit along with you. And if you're allowing it, well, why wouldn't they? You know, I mean, if someone's taking all my shit, I'm going to keep giving it to them. Yeah. Yep. Yep. And you said about like taking responsibility and ownership and owning it. And I can tell you from experience, you know, when I was cheated on

for years after that, I always, I just put the blame on her. I just was just like putting the hammer down. Like, why'd she do that? She's's a bitch I can't believe she did that and then eventually when it came back around and I was like you know what we were both young there were signs there like I could have ended it at any time but I kept doing what I was doing so once I took my share of the responsibility from it it just freed me I mean it it made things feel so much better and you just as bad as things can be my heart goes out to people who have been abused and i'm not a psychiatrist a therapist but when you take responsibility for certain things it just frees you up it surely does and you know i'll be honest with you you know i didn't have

any kind of fidelity but we definitely had a lot of, you know, I was like the person that you put all of your crap on, not just for him, but everybody in the house kind of, when I was able to kind of become present with his pain, I realized it was just that it was his and it wasn't mine. And so I decided to shift for myself. And to make a long story short, you know, whenever when you change the world around you changes, they'll either you know, support your fall off, I believe. But yeah, my life has totally changed, even though he still has that pain, right? But we're still together, because I can no longer take it. And so he had

to find somewhere else to put that pain. it worked of course i was in a lot of therapy as well but really you know a therapist can only lead you so far you know because you really have to truly do it you have to take action yeah yeah notions of doing everything you know suggested yeah my therapist she's funny and she would never give me answers and i used to get so frustrated i just give me the answer but i know why she was doing it it was on me to to figure it all out but yeah i mean it was just so helpful that that whole and i still check in with her from time to time but it's just i would recommend and i used to be that guy too and i'm sure there's plenty of guys out there i'm like i don't need therapy i my shit figured out. I don't need someone telling me what to do and how to live. But man, it was

the best investment I ever made. It really was. You know, Shanna, I would say that therapy and then also during her journey, she was very attracted to, and who isn't, but to Eckhart Tolle. And I think when she came across the understanding of the pain body and then shared that with me, he just explains it in such a brilliant way. You want to share kind of your first experience with, where did you see him talking? Was it his book or was it on Oprah or where did you see it? I read that book years before I was awakened in any way. Right. And I'm saying when I wasn't awakened in any way, I was like, you know, living a life of ego and in this little box of conditions. And I read that book and I think I probably was like, I don't know what the fuck this guy's talking about, you know, or who knows how I even received it so insignificant it's a different language and then when I read it again I was like holy shit this is like

the most it seriously was the most profound thing I think I've ever read in my life and I think I've read it several times with other people even since, because it's one of my probably most recommended books, The New Earth Power Up Now. But he explains that, you know, we all, of course, we all have pain and trauma in our lives. We all do. But we need to learn how to recognize when that starts to, like, projectile out of us. Of course, it's best to know when you're doing it, of course, but to also around you, all the people around you, when that starts to come out, you need to immediately pause and say, wait a minute. Take a deep breath, center yourself and kind of say, this is not them anymore. This is not this person, this present person. This is pain that's coming out that has nothing to do with me.

And he's looking or he or she is looking for a place to release this pain. And if I keep saying yes to it, or I keep interacting with the pain, then I'm feeding the pain. And it's going to continue to come back like a stray dog. So when you decide to starve the pain by detaching and not interacting with that pain, refusing to, then it starves or it goes elsewhere for food. And what was, I started to do that. And at first it was like, it was hard because it was like, almost like the pain was chasing me, like starting desperately, please fight with me. You know what I mean? I have to get out this pain

and I just refused, refused. But the, I think the biggest awareness was when I did it to him, when I literally, my pain came out, I did, it was like I vomited across the room and the whole house filled up with it. And I had no conscious decisions or thoughts. I mean, it literally came from this place inside of me. It rose up and just there was no control. But as soon as I had been working on this, so as soon as it came out and you walked away and I was like, oh, my God, what you walked away and I was like oh my god what did I do I was like that was mine that was my pain I have nothing to do with him this isn't me

and and I was able to own up to it and be more present but it's pretty powerful shit yeah it is you know disassociating the the present from the past is interesting for sure. I always looked at it as sort of like an electrical current. Like when you get triggered, something fires and you need to catch that current and reroute it right away. And if you don't, you know, there's times even with my parents still, like I'll act a certain way and then I'll hang up with them or whatever. And I just had an incident with my father a week ago. You know, he had called me just to check in with me. And I just, instead of, I'm not a morning person.

So instead of not answering, I answered. And I was just very short with him. And after I hung up, five minutes later, I texted him. I said, listen, I'm sorry. Like that was very rude. I didn't mean anything by it. Like I'll call you later to catch up. So those are those moments when you just own your shit and you say it had nothing to do with you. Like it's just, it was just old me. Totally. And you know what I did during that time? I remember that same incident. I was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I was like, that was my pain body. And he was like, what the fuck

is a pain body? Nevermind. I was like, just know I'm sorry. That was not yours. It's fine. And that's when I really started to see almost like the separation that it's not yours. This is mine. This is yours. This is mine. Oh my God, we're separate. We are, we're all on our own journey. We all have our own shit, even our parents, right? And our kids. And you know, it's, it's each of our responsibility, our own, our energy is our responsibility. Yeah. And I can probably really blow people's minds now. You probably guys will relate to this, but when you look at your partners as your parents, if you're acting out towards your partners, there's probably something in you, you're actually acting out towards your parents. So in my being a male, especially in my last relationship, the way I was

acting, it was towards my mother. And I feel a lot of, a lot of my stuff with my mom, like kind of being on this journey. But if you look at your partner, so if you're female, so if you look at the male as your father, it's sometimes there's that in there, you're not really yelling at your, your, your current partner, you're yelling at your father, if you can sort of, or me, my mother, if you can, if you can connect the dots, does that make sense? I totally just connected that thought because the situation was sometimes he makes me feel like I, and he can't make me, there you go, right there. That phrase that I just said, but in that moment when I spewed all over everybody, I literally felt mad because in that moment, I felt like I wasn't doing enough or good enough. And that does connect the dot back to my dad who had always thought that I

should have been more, should have done more and all this stuff. Did he love me last? Absolutely not. In fact, it was his conditions, not mine. You know, I was just fine not doing as much as he wanted me to do so that was his not mine and that's not something I invented that's not something I invented you just from all the learning you do eventually you pick up on it so it just it takes a lot of time to learn that you know I was journaling the other day about the pain body and what's theirs is theirs and what's ours is ours and I realized it's actually an oxymoron to what I also preach, which is when one's hurting we're all hurting, and that oneness. So really it's not their pain because when one person is hurting it is our pain, because that's why God put us on earth, and that is to be there for each other. But the difference I realized is that it's that pause that Shanna talked about. It's being able to pause, detach from it. And then if we're talking about a partner, I believe that we can come back when things have calmed down and come from a place of compassion and love and try to be there for them and help them.

Because, I mean, ultimately, that's why we're on Earth together. I mean, if we looked at what was going on in Afghanistan and said, oh, that's theirs, not mine, then no one would ever be doing anything for the world or the universe or for each other. So for me, it's pausing and doing what Eckhart Tolle says, realizing it is theirs, not taking responsibility for it, being able to protect your energy, but then being able to also come back maybe when things aren't so heated or when they're not angry in their pain and being able to help them process it and just listen and be there for them out of love. Absolutely. Like wait for the pain buddy to kind of simmer down and wait for their soul to come back. There you go. You know, and that's who you react. That's who you talk to.

That's who you, you know, offer compassion to. That's who you, you know, connect with.. That's who you, you know, connect with. And then that's real connection. Then they're hearing you. When you're talking to a pain body and fighting with them, it's much like just talking to someone who is drunk and is not going to really process or remember it, which they might be drunk too in my case. But you're so right.

Thank you for saying that because that just made me realize you're right. When you do come back, it's no longer their pain body. So wait for their pain body to, to disappear, to dissipate. And then you can speak to their soul. Yeah, absolutely. And that space is what you need, you know, to do that also to get that compassion. So you're not fired up. And I think that just for yourself to do the same thing, right? When you feel that shit arising and coming up and, you know, fire in your throat right before you throw up, you can take that space too and realize that you're in pain body and connecting back with your soul. Just made a story last night on my Instagram about how the current times today,

people are just out for blood. They're just attacking. I'm right, you're wrong. You have no say in this discussion. And it's just like, it's blowing my mind and you're seeing things coming out now. And I think we can all say we're hypocrites in a little bit of a way,

but there's things coming out now and you're sitting back and you're just like, your head just explodes is what's going on. And listen, I have my problems. Sometimes I do my absolute best to listen to people. Sometimes it's in one ear at the other. I'm sometimes I'm in La La Land, but people just are not listening. People are so steadfast on their beliefs right now. it's just it's causing this divide and that divides is getting larger and larger and not exactly i hope it gets better like the separation is getting further and further and further and it's like i it just this is like the biggest thing for me i am so against anything that separates that's what makes me mad i don't even care what the topic is it's like why can't we not respect

each other and just kind of be kind and respectful because we're humans we're all human you know we're all going through shit like belief systems are personal like I would never tell somebody what to believe or who to vote for, or who's better, you know, I mean, it just separates us. Yeah. You don't have to agree with the person, but just hear them out. Don't attack them. Don't be like, you're wrong. You're the reason this is happening. How do we know what's going on in someone else's mind? You know, heartbreaking. Cause it's really worrisomeome I try to stay away from it because I can get very overwhelmed with it I'm the same and I've been so glad to be away from it but then when people will remind me of it and I'll look at it it just makes me so sad because I see like just

this separation getting further and further and further but you know I'll give the ultimate example. My energy has been very consumed with the Afghan war because I lost my brother in Iraq. And sometimes I wonder if he died out of vain. And I've just had all these thoughts going through my head. It's triggered a lot of memories, like when his casket came off the plane, draped in the flag and watching those young soldiers having to fold it. And it's just triggered so much. So I spewed a little bit of my opinion. I spewed my pain onto social media about how I felt like Biden's comment to the families that he understood their pain because his son died of cancer. I felt like that was just a really stupid comment because his son didn't die in war. So I felt like it was unfair. And that was me just being in my pain. And then I also got

angry when I saw him checking his watch during the ceremony and when their caskets were coming off the plane. And then I realized, you know what, Mandy, you're not there. You don't know why he was looking at his watch. You don't know if it's just like a habit or a tick. Like I just went into immediate assumption and assumed that he was just being an arrogant dick. And, you know, I don't know. And that's just it. We're all forming these opinions on things

and we're not there and we don't know the truth. And even our own experiences are truth. But if you think about it, if we were all sitting around and saw something go down at the exact same time, and I'll never forget this. A group of friends of Shannon and I's, unfortunately, we lost a friend many years ago. His name was Jeff Truax. He was very dear to us. There were so many people that witnessed the shooting that happened.

They were all standing there. Now, one maybe was two inches over, maybe one was 10 feet over, but in their eyes, they all saw the exact same incident, but they all perceived it differently. Why? Because we have different brains, we media and expect everyone to have the same opinion as us, or to think the same way as us is absolutely absurd when you think about the human body and our soul. And to make it even deeper, a lot of our pain body that we carry might not even be from this lifetime. It could be from a be from this lifetime it could be from a lifetime before and it could be the epigenetics and our blood from our ancestors it's very complicated and we have on these blinders where we only are seeing what's in front of us instead of looking at the big picture we fail your emotions get you know, they're so powerful, especially around grief,

when we're still carrying that, that that pain just spews out. It's just separation. I think it's a time for everyone to sit back and reflect on their pain body. That seems to be kind of the theme right now, this pain body. And Ryan, you said something to me about your story earlier that I feel like I would like to go back to because I feel like your story could really help the youth. I mean, there are so many kids that are sitting in high schools that feel awkward, who, you know, pull themselves in because they don't know how to express themselves or who feel out of place and that are looking for love outside of them and validation. As a child, were you taught self-love? Were you taught to look for happiness outside of you? Because I know our world conditions us that way, but I'm curious, like what were those feelings? Like, let's talk about the feelings associated with that awkwardness. Like, how did you feel? I don't think it really hit me until I was out of high school, to be honest with you.

I think at that point, I was just going through the motions. It just was life. You know, I was called shy. I was called, I don't think I was called introverted then. I don't think I knew the term introverted until I was older. But, you know, these terms that are thrown at you, he's shy, he's embarrassing, he's quiet, he's this and he's that. And you're like, okay, these people are telling me I'm this way. So I must, I must be this way. So it wasn't until I was really older. And then I started looking back on it and saying like, wow, I was like really

hurting in high school, but I didn't realize it at the time sort of looking through, like I said, I didn't start writing till I was out of this 10 year relationship. So now kind of looking through the journals and stuff that kind of what I was writing and kind of connecting back to that time in high school, then you kind of start making sense of it. So you're a poet and you didn't know it. I always knew I could write better than I could speak, but it wasn't until, again, I was 32, 34 that I started writing, and I'm like, wow, I'm actually a good writer, so that's kind of what I'm focusing on now, but yeah, again, going back to your question, it wasn't until I was out of high school that I made sense of it. When I was in it,

it just was just normal life, you know? Well, i'm so glad that poetry is there for you and that right there for you i mean we've had on um you know psychologists and doctors and they all talk talked about how and i never knew this just how much writing does for your brain um there's science behind what writing does and how it helps with the good chemicals to be released. So when people were telling me to journal, I listened and I journaled, but I didn't understand just how deep and how amazing it was for the serotonin, the dopamine. So I love that poetry has become a passion of yours. Can you talk about that? Where does your poetry come from? Is this a book about all the pain? Is it about your adventure now? What does it look like?

Book that I have out now is based on my heartbreaks of the past. So it goes through all really my last two, I've had, I've been in three relationships. So my two relationships. So the book is a, it's kind of a self-help journal. So it's got my poetry in it. It's got word prompts in it. It sort of has my thoughts in it and it has blank pages in it for the person to kind of reflect on what I wrote. So these poetry, the poetry pieces I wrote again a lot of it comes up 10 years after my first relationship ended some of it is a couple of months after my second relationship ended I think there are a few pieces in there just on a random night you know feeling sad and just kind of writing so there's a lot of pieces in there I think a lot of people will relate to that being said you know I know how hard it is kind of dealing with those emotions in our society especially as a male you know we're

told just to kind of get over it to move on like they aren't worth it you know my favorite line to get over someone you get under someone that's like that one I'll never get but although I've been there maybe we've all been there but the book is really uh let's call it a healthier way than to turn to drugs and to turn to alcohol than to turn to randomly sleeping with people and again no judgment you know i've been there done that it's just a healthier option for people if they want to dive in and it takes a lot to to call yourself out on shit people don't want to do it i didn't want to do it i thought i had all my shit together but it's very freeing when you start looking at yourself in the mirror and you're like i'm not perfect and you're also a photographer i am a photographer uh do that as a hobby i actually

have a book out i put out a couple years ago it's a very short book it has my photography and my poetry in it together it's uh it's more and more of a thoughtful book. I joke with people. I say, maybe this is a little bit of self-deprecation on my part, but I'm like, my stuff's going to scare you. My stuff's going to make you think. My stuff, you're probably going to roll your eyes at a lot of the stuff I write, but that's who I am. And if my stuff makes you uncomfortable, you have to ask yourself, why is it making you uncomfortable? Why can't you read this stuff? There's something inside of you that's blocking you from seeing this stuff. Right.

I know. Isn't it funny how when an emotion comes up, we're always so quick to blame the outside world for causing it. So a lot of the music I listen to, like I had someone ask me once, like is when I was going through sort of this sad, you know episode of my life people are like is is it the music you're listening because i listen to a lot of metal i listen to a lot of hard rock and i said you know what the music is actually helping me like connecting to these lyrics is just like is is amazing stuff and you know people are always maybe in certain situations music is the blame but i don't i don't know there's music out there that that kids listen to because they're relating to it it's not causing them to go on these mass shootings or or whatever like music is is amazing it's just amazing stuff especially

when you're in a certain mood and you don't have anyone to talk to or you don't have anyone to reach out to you know you turn these tunes on and you're hearing these lyrics and you're like, Oh, these people I'm connecting with these people. It also is matching their vibration. I think people are so quick to judge. I was, I remember thinking Marilyn Manson was a freak. And now I recently watched a documentary on him where he spoke about his spiritual side and oh my god that man is so smart it's such a beautiful soul but I was just quick to judge back when I was there you know I loved heavy metal too oh I love music y'all like Mandy said that vibration and then sometimes the words can almost be kind of like what a podcast can do for someone where you're like listening

to it you're like oh somebody else actually put into words of what I'm experiencing and so it makes you feel like you're not alone yeah you know it's funny backtrack way back to the beginning I think Mandy had mentioned about like you guys follow signs and stuff like that and it just triggered a memory so I went to my first concert when I was 21 and I started going to these metal and rock shows. And now where I'm at now with my writing and poetry, like I can connect and be like, now I know why I felt such a resonance to these singers. Now I know why I felt these lyrics like hit me in my heart. Here I am not writing. I'm not singing. It's different, but similar in many ways. So it's almost that connection was there. Like the universe was like, here, here's this crowd of people, this, this amazing senior. And like, this is part of you kid. Like you have to figure this out though. Now I can connect the dots and say, wow, now I'm

writing. I am, I'm not a musician, but I am in this sort of way. Does that make sense? Absolutely. Do you have your book in front of you? I have one of them. Do us a favor, flip your book open. We're going to make this random. Flip it open and just whatever page you land on is what we're supposed to hear today. All right. All righty.

All right, cool. So what I'll do is I'll read. So the book is broken down into sections, like I said. So what it does is it has like a poetry piece and then it has sort of like a thoughtful piece and then it has sort of a word prompt that the reader can work off of. So the first part, poetry piece. I know how it feels like your wings have been clipped, betrayed, duped, and lied to like your love has been stripped. You may have clipped these wings with the shears that you held, but they're growing back thicker and stronger. I was grounded for some time,

tending to my wounds, but I'm gaining my freedom back, my freedom to fly. When my first relationship ended, I made it all about that specific person. How could they? Why would they? I continuously pointed the finger, blaming her for my hurt. Truth be told, I'd only hurt myself. The signs were there all along, but I chose to ignore them. It takes two conscious and loving individuals to make a relationship work. And while you may want to blame the other person for the feelings you feel, take this opportunity to write about your part of the breakup. How did you contribute? Were there subtle signs that you chose to ignore? It's extremely hard to call yourself out, so I recommend sitting in a quiet spot.

Light a candle, closing your eyes, and let the silence settle in. Listen to your heartbeat, listen to your breath, and let the answers slowly filter in, and then there's a few blank pages that the reader, if they choose, you know, can follow up with that. That's wonderful. I love that so very much. I love the poem. I love how you have the prompt. I love stuff like that. I think that, you know, that kind of is like an ancient way, kind of like Zen poems or Zen quotes in some way, where we sit with these words, and we find, you know, ourselves within them. I love that'll beat it off into like where you can buy it and stuff but yeah you know i put a lot of hard soul into it it's been out for a couple months um i i get these hits where i push it and then i kind of don't get a lot of feedback and i kind of retreat a little bit again those are kind of my own self-limiting beliefs and then something like

this will kind of spur me to kind of start pushing it again. So we'll see. And I know things take time too. Part of my healing has been not to rush things anymore. In fact, I joke about this a lot on my kindergarten report card. It says Ryan likes to rush things a lot, even today. Yeah, even today, I still do. So that's practice, kind of taking a step back and letting things kind of just unfold naturally. But there is something with

this book that intuitively, I think at some point it's going to catch on. I don't know when, but I do. So that's why I just kind of have to kind of keep with it and keep doing stuff like this. Keep at it. It sounds like a book that anyone could pick up. I mean, we've all been through a breakup at some point, right? But it's not a book that's just for someone who came out of a relationship. There's a lot in it that can benefit you and a lot of prompts to get you to journal out your pain and your feelings and looking at your part in things, correct? Yeah, you're right. In fact, and it's funny you mentioned that because I've been thinking about pushing it a little differently now because I've been really pushing it towards people just out of heartbreak. But but really that's not the case. There's stuff in there. If someone wants to

kind of start on a healing journey, they could dive into it. And if they want to connect back to maybe a previous relationship, they could really take it and line it up with any one of their relationships. If they're kind of looking to self-inquire. We've all had heartbreak, right? I mean, cause then if you haven't, then you haven't loved. I mean, that is just a part of love. I mean, and I mean, heartbreak not as always in being deceived. I mean, grief, you know, it comes in many ways. So absolutely, it's for everyone. As far as relationships, because, you know, in school, you're not really, you're not taught how to navigate relationships. You're not taught why you act certain ways. And coming out of that 10 year relationship, that was one of my biggest

questions. Like she told me that I didn't love her anymore. And that hurt. That was like a knife to my heart. I'm like, how do you know I didn't love you? And that question of why am I the way I am you know why am I so selfish why am I the way I am so that's really why I went into therapy and I started sort of following certain people on Instagram and you know again you connect all the dots now it really all stems from your upbringing your past and even that you go back farther if you really want to dig you know ask your parents how they were treated how they were brought up and again you you go back farther. If you really want to dig, you know, ask your parents how they were treated, how they were brought up. And again, you could go back probably generations.

Yeah. And you know, another thing is I guarantee there's not a poem in there where it's going to relate to the relationship you have with yourself. Because I mean, ultimately, how many times have you broken your own heart? How many times have you hurt yourself? How many times? And that's the most important relationship, Ryan. And kudos to you for taking time to look at your part in things.

Cause you're right. That is really hard. And then also, you know, realizing that you needed to come home to yourself first, but then to make it even braver. Now you're like on a road trip, a forever, really long road trip by yourself, like in your own mind, building this relationship with you and finding that happiness within. I mean, that's really brave. Yeah. And, you know, I got to put this out.

A lot of people ask me, too, which you haven't yet. I'm surprised you have. It doesn't get lonely sometimes. And I tell people, yes, I'm human. It does get lonely out here sometimes, but I'm not going to sacrifice myself to be in some half-assed relationship. You know, it just, it's not worth it.

I'd rather, you know, be by myself and then do my things and deal with my shit. And eventually, you know, I do believe I will bump into that person where the two of us will create this beautiful sort of thing together. And how important is that self-love piece, just finding that first within and really, truly the unconditional kind, you know, loving yourself without judgment, loving yourself

without doubting every thought that comes through, or if you're enough, you're beautiful enough, or if you're enough, you're beautiful enough, or if you're smart enough, and all these things, just truly loving yourself for everything, you know, for all that you are all the good, bad and the ugly. And then you're able to truly give that to someone else. Yeah, accepting those parts. I think something I've been working on actually the past couple days and stuff that's been kind of coming through my feet to on Instagram is instead of kind of pushing away, like the bad things, the so-called bad things, instead of trying to like completely heal those,

you just accept them for what they are. Like, you know, I'd love to be in this happy, healthy, loving relationship. And I have no problem saying that, but I think sometimes people are like love yourself first and i'm not saying you're doing it but i think allowing yourself to be like yeah you know what i do want to be in a relationship with someone yeah i do want to spend time with someone but focusing on that self-love together and accepting those parts of yourself that are like i am who i am these are the things i want instead of pushing them away and be like this is bad

because society says it's bad so and then i got to get out of my own way too. So there's certain quotes in me that still get in my own way. Oh my God. Whoever came up with that quote that we are our own worst enemy, that's a fact. Yeah. Yeah. It's like we get to this precipice and then we're like, no, I don't want to jump. And then we kind of come back down a little bit yeah you know Ryan it's been awesome talking to you because I will tell you and correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like this self-exploration and your book and your journey is kind of new and that's a very hard place to be and also a very confusing place. You're opening up to a lot of new ideas, connecting more with nature. You're questioning all these conditions. I mean, you're really looking at yourself. There's so much that comes with awakening. I love that you're putting yourself

out there this early and sharing just like your raw pain at the beginning of this journey and where it's brought you today. Yeah, thank you. And I was used to be closed off, like you wouldn't be able to get any of this shit out of me. But now I've gotten to a point, and I think the pendulum swung over where I was letting out too much stuff for a while. I was like, all right, I'm so closed off. Now I'm just going to be this open book. So now it's been a matter of kind of bringing it back into balance. You know, I'm big closed off. Now I'm just going to be this open book. So now it's been a matter of kind of bringing it back into balance. You know, I'm big into balance. So I like that.

Good for you. So where are you going next? Well, I was going to head back to Arizona. I've spent my last winter in Sedona, two years. Like Sedona is just an amazing place, Arizona. But I decided to stay in Montana for the winter. I'm not a cold weather person anymore. I know this sounds weird that I want to stay in Montana for the winter. I'm not a cold weather person anymore. I know this sounds weird that I want to stay in Montana,

but I think as far as the spiritual aspect of it and photography and writing, I think it's going to be a really cool experience to experience Montana in the winter. And we'll reevaluate in the spring and summer where I'm headed next. I'm actually at a point here where for two years I was moving around a lot

and I've gotten to a point now not that I'm looking to settle down but I'm enjoying being in an area more than like a few days so like being in Montana now for 68 months is awesome and you know I want to go to Alaska still there's places I still want to go but I'm not always like here and there and everywhere so having some grounding has been real good balance well maybe I'll tell my friend Angela, who's out there to follow you on. Maybe you guys can connect. For sure. Yeah.

Instagram. Brian.J.Drews. That's kind of my hub. I have a love-hate relationship with Instagram. That could be probably a whole nother topic. But yeah, that's where a lot of my stuff is. And you can link to my book. You can link to my website.

And you can link to some other podcasts that I've done recently. Your name has two of me and Shanna's. Yeah. Two very important names to us. My brother's name was Ryan, the one that passed away and her son's name is Drew. Oh, wow. So see, there's those little connections. So something will probably come out of this somehow, some way. It may not be for years, but something will probably come out of this. Oh, no, I definitely see people connecting with you, Ryan. And also, I just was curious, when you're driving around, are you seeing like all these twos and fives on everyone's license plates? Are you getting signs, you know, with like, hawks following you? And you're like, damn,

this hawk has been with me for an hour. It comes and goes. It comes and goes. Right now, it's been pretty silent i think that's just because i'm supposed to be or where i'm supposed to be it's usually when i'm on the move somewhere that's when i'll start seeing like a lot of stuff or even if some person pops into my life like there's resonance there and i'm like all right what's your reasoning for being here you know in my head i'm playing this out i'm not saying that to this person and i used to be that person i'd be like you guys are all fucking weird like get away from me with all that shit but now that I'm in it and I actually see it and you're open to it it's just a whole

different world yeah it's sometimes undeniable right yeah signs just keep coming at you well that's wonderful I hope that you have a warm winter though thank you me too me too and now it's time for break that shit down to like everything that's going on in the world right now like if i can make one request is for people that are listening to this whatever side you're on just be open to listening to people like you can believe what you want but have an open mind because what's going on right now in the world is crazy and there's a bigger picture to all this than just black or white there's stuff going on and i just hope people will wake up to it and you can always start your life over. You know, if you're 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, you know, I always tell my mom, like, my mom's always like, I am who I am. I am

who I am. I said, you can be different. It may take some time, but you can always start your life over. You know, I hear people say a lot, man, I wish I could do what you do. I know you're living a dream. And I said, you can do it it too you're just choosing not to so starting over isn't easy trust me but you can do it you just have to jump into it and keep going and just keep going life isn't easy but that being said you can make it easy well i'm for you life is a highway oh long thank you so much for coming on to sense the soul nice to meet you ryan it's been a pleasure thank you thanks for being with us today we hope you will come back next week. If you like what you hear, don't forget to rate, like, and subscribe. Thank you. We rise to lift you up. Thanks for listening.