Sense of Soul - Mind Love

Episode Date: August 6, 2021

Today on Sense of Soul, we have the host of the popular podcast “Mind Love,”  Melissa Monte. She is an entrepreneur and former VP of Marketing and has applied her strategic mindset to achieve explosive growth. Today she is a new mother, a certified yoga teacher and reiki healer, spreading her light on her successful podcast that has reached #2 in her category on Apple Podcasts. Mind Love is a top Mental Health Podcast in 29 countries. Forbes named her show the #1 Podcast for your Life and Career. Harper’s Bazaar called it a “must listen.” She’s been invited to share the stage with top influencers in podcasting like Pat Flynn, Jordan Harbinger and today on Sense of Soul, she’s spilling her secrets! On Melissa’s Mind Love podcast you will find similar topics as Sense of Soul like self-love, developing a positive mindset, finding your purpose, breaking negative thought cycles, reducing stress and anxiety, connecting to your intuition, finding alignment, working with energy, and more… she is raw, no fluff and no BS. Helping to raise the collective conscious for the greater good… and create a badass legacy along the way. You can learn more about Mind Love podcast www.mindlove.com Please join Mande and Shanna Saturday August 7th at 9am MT on Sense of Soul FB, for an exciting announcement to our listeners! Visit our website www.mysenseofsoul.com for the latest! Don’t forget to Rate 5 Stars, Review and Subscribe! Thank you!  

Please note that this episode contains descriptions of sexual violence. Please listen with caution and care. Thank you. Welcome to the Sense of Soul podcast. We are your hosts, Shanna and Mandy. Grab your coffee, open your mind, heart, and soul. It's time to awaken. Today on the Sense of Soul, we are super excited to have Melissa Monti. Melissa has had a lot of pain. she has alchemized into purpose. She has dedicated her life to exploring methods of improving the human condition. She teaches people the tools that turned her life around.

Through raw stories and inspiring interviews, her podcast Mind Love highlights the incredible role of the mind in creating a life you love waking up for. Today, Melissa is a transformational speaker, podcast host, and a mindset coach. She teaches people the tools that turned her life around and how to find clarity on their true purpose. She is a registered yoga instructor. She's Reiki certified and wait for it. She is also certified in skydiving. But I personally think her biggest accomplishment is that she is a survivor of being in labor for three days and she deserves a fricking award for that. She also has a beautiful voice and shares very intimate, beautiful, genuine, vulnerable moments on her

Instagram with her husband, her baby, and her Instagram is just a ray of sunshine to follow. Welcome. We are so excited to have you, Melissa. Thank you so much for having me. Yes. So let's talk about three days of labor. Oh my gosh. Are you kidding? You know, it was actually a really humbling experience for me. I tend to do research and I'm always looking for like, what's the best way that I can live my life. You know, I've brought intention to almost every area. And so when it came to my birth, I was naturally drawn towards the more natural route. So I got a midwife. I had an OBGYN for the first few weeks. And then when I moved to the mountains, I So I got a midwife. I had an OBGYN for the first few weeks.

And then when I moved to the mountains, I ended up getting a midwife, which I was so excited about and wanted to do a natural birth. And I could feel myself when I'd hear other people talk about like, oh, I'm planning the epidural and I'm planning this. And I'd be like, in my head, if I'm being totally honest with myself, I'd be like, that's not the best way to go. Or there's so many downsides to that. And then, well, my water broke first. It took about 24 hours for contractions to start. And then contractions started pretty heavy. And so I went to the birthing center, was going for over 24 hours at that point. Long story short, I ended up getting to 54 hours of contractions. And I was so exhausted because I had hardly eaten. I'd had like a handful of almonds. My husband was like sleeping on and off and, and I could feel like my lower self version of me being like, why the heck is he sleeping when

I have to go through this? I'm like mad at him every time he doses off. Right. It turned out that it was such a blessing. He did get a little bit of sleep because finally I got to a point where I asked my midwife to check my cervix again to see how much I was dilated. And since my water broke early, they really limit cervical checks to avoid infection. And so, um, I was like, can you please just check it again? I needed to know that I was making some sort of progress. And last we checked, it was three centimeters, 15 hours before she checked it again, it was still three centimeters. And so I was, I made the decision to transfer to a hospital and there was one right across the street, but she recommended I go to the one hour away because I'd get more of my birth plan listened

to at that hospital. I'm so glad I did, but I was basically backwards in the passenger seat, like heaving, having a contraction every two to three minutes, got there. At this point, I'm just like, give me the epidural. I don't care about any of my beliefs anymore. And then they're like, well, it'll still be about three hours because we've got to do COVID testing and all that. So I'm still just hanging in there. And then I get the epidural and I'm like, oh, this is nice. I'm just watching my contractions go. And I'm like, that's what happens when judgment kicks in. The universe will find a way to show you like you don't have it all figured out. There are, there's a reason for everything. And even if somebody chose this from the get-go,

no judgment there. I have no idea what I'm going to do on my next birth after this experience. By the time I had him in my arms, I was so excited about it though. And I just felt like I went to war and ended up being a beautiful thing and I wouldn't change it for the world because I have a platform. I'm really glad I basically got to have two different birthing experiences in one. And so I can relate to both sides of that. I can see why people want each side of that. So that was my birth experience. Well, that sounds like parenting overall, because I think that there's been so many times where I have said, Oh, I would never do that. Right. My children will never, ever be like that or experience those things. And yeah, that shit all goes out the window. When you. Parenting will humble the shit out of you. I know I'm only 10 weeks in exactly today, actually. And I've already found that. I'm like, okay, yes, I'm going to teach him to sleep from an early age.

He's going to be on a great nap schedule. And now I'm like, what do you want, baby? I'll give it to you. I don't care. Well, and may I also just offer this advice that I wish someone would have gave me instead of trying to find all the answers in books or online, always trust that mommy instinct. Such a good point. I mean, that's what I think I've learned in all of my journeys so far. It's like, well, you know, you start to read and it's like, there's this method for this and there's this method for that. And first of

all, you have to realize that we live in a very capitalistic country, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. Like I work with copywriters and things like that. And it's like, well, you want to make the most money. You've got to create your method. And so then people are just creating these four step methods that one part of it, that's actually like really helpful after reading a ton of different methods. I'm like, oh, well, this is what they all have in common. Just trust your gut. Trust yourself. There's nothing stronger, especially a mother's instinct. I mean, I can be a very nice person and I can flow and let a lot of things fly. But when it comes to my kids, like mommy bear comes out. Exactly. I think that whole trusting your intuition has just been a huge part of my own healing journey in general. Through all the things that I had been through, sexual assault, you basically turn off your body after that. Eating disorders is turning off that connection to your body. And so my healing journey has been really reconnecting with myself. And I found that the number one thing that I need to do is just know myself better. And that ends up helping in so many areas. First of

all, I can detect my own cues. I'm better at detecting my baby's cues because I know myself better. It helps me in trusting my next step in my business and how I'm dealing with my relationship and setting my boundaries. And all of that comes back to just knowing myself enough to have those inner dialogues and trust my next decision. So that has been super helpful so far in motherhood. Absolutely. Self-trust. I'll never forget when I was nursing my daughter for like nine months. And I was so proud of myself that I had gone nine whole months. I mean, cause it was hard and I kept getting like those clogged ducts. It was so painful. And I remember I went into her pediatrician and I told her that I had stopped after nine

months and the look on her face was heartbreaking. I thought she was going to be like, oh my God, you should be so proud of yourself. That's great. She was like, what are you serious? And I was like, but I'm giving her vitamins and this way and this way. And I just remember it like kind of knocking me down because at the time I didn't have a lot of self-trust. So I started really doubting that decision. It took me a long time to kind of find some forgiveness and grace and realize that it was okay that I made that choice because I was

listening to my body. I was run down. I was tired. It wasn't working for me anymore. It was painful. And so that self-trust is just a huge part of it. Yeah. That recently just happened to me. People are blown away that I don't have regular pediatrician visits scheduled. And I'm like, well, my midwife handled it to the first six weeks. Like I know this is a hot topic, but I'm not vaccinating my child. So I don't need those wellness checks. If everything's fine, I'm fine. And it's so often I end up going to the doctor and they end up scaring me about something that has like a one in 100,000 chance. I'm like, okay, no, I'm just kind of going to go with my intuition on this one. And I found a naturopathic doctor, but it's funny. Like I don't tell that to

a lot of people, unless they seem interested, because I just get this look like I'm a terrible mother, like you need this. Like, I don't think I do. You know, that's one thing I noticed about your Instagram and who you are as a person. You're very raw, like me, you just kind of share a lot of your life. And you give us a little peek into very intimate moments. Why do you do that? I think it's because I held on to shame for so long. It's interesting because my whole life, I was always that shock factor girl. I would share something really inappropriate because I liked the interaction that I would have with somebody being like, oh my gosh, you're saying this. And

I realized that usually it was just a more fun next 10 minutes. So when I got a little bit older, there were the things that I was holding onto that I didn't want to talk about. And one of those was the eating disorder. That was probably my deepest one because having something like bulimia, not only is it a disorder, but it's gross. There were parts of it that were just gross. I thought men wouldn't want to kiss me or people wouldn't want to be my roommate or all sorts of things. Like if people found out, what would they think of me? And it wasn't until I was healing from that, that I finally got the courage to share it. And I remember I was at a party actually talking to somebody that I hadn't had a long conversation

with in years. And I just had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to share. It was the very first time I shared this. So it was kind of odd. And I started to tell her about how I had binged and purged pretty heavily for 10 years. And it was bad enough to where some days that's all I would do. I would spend my entire work paycheck on food and engine purge all day long till my voice was hoarse.

I shared this with her and all of a sudden she kind of just freezes. And she says, I can't believe you're bringing this up right now. I get chills every time I think about it. Just a couple of weeks ago, I started to purge my food and it felt really empowering the first few times I did it. And already it's feeling like it has more control over me than I have over it. I just knew in that moment that when we go through something so difficult, one of the best things that we can do is share our journey and be open with it because you'll find that so many other people are struggling with a similar thing. And in that moment, I decided, you know, if I'm struggling with something, I'm just going to share it in real time. If I'm going through something, I'm going to share it in real time. And that's not

to say that that's the path for everybody, but it is something that I'm comfortable with. So it feels like part of my purpose. And even when I first got pregnant, I made the decision to share it really early on instead of waiting that three months, because to me, I was like so many women, I had no idea one in 10 births or pregnancies are miscarriages at that time. Why didn't I know that? Because people aren't sharing until that three months. And so women are having these miscarriages by themselves. And I thought worst case scenario, if I lose this baby, I'm going to need that support from other people. I'm going to be sharing about it then. And when people do decide to share about it, then often it's harder for other people to connect with it because they

didn't know the journey beforehand. And so for me, I just think that every time I'm open about something, it feels like I'm not the only person carrying that burden and not to say that I'm putting that burden on other people, but I think it's this burden that we're all collectively sharing and we think that we're carrying it alone. And so by sharing it for me, opens that up where I can have conversations with people who are curious, who have gone through it themselves or whatever it be. Yeah, absolutely beautiful. I feel the same. And you know, those nudges are hard to ignore. It's interesting. Like I remember being on an airplane one time and I got the urge to share my near death experience It's interesting. Like I remember being on an airplane one time and I got the urge to share my near death experience with this woman. And I was like, okay, I can

resist this, but then I'm doing a disservice to God. So I'm going to just share it because it was like heavy. Like you need to tell her, you need to tell her, you need to tell her. So I just stroke up this conversation with her and she just lost a child and it brought her a lot of peace and serenity. And that was the day I decided when I get those nudges, I'm never going to ignore them. Right. And not everyone is meant to share with a platform like we three are, and they might not feel called to do that. And it can be just as powerful, just opening up a little bit more to your best friend or when you get that call, but it all comes back to knowing yourself enough to feel that call. And I think even more importantly, as a parent,

share the shit with your kids, because the thing is, is they're going to go through the same. My parents really didn't. I mean, they acted like everything was just beautiful. I think that we're at a time and place where being vulnerable, even with our children is so important to let them know that, you know, life happens. Like we all make mistakes. We all do some crazy shit in our life and it's normal. Yeah. And I was just having that conversation with my husband because he said something like that to me.

He's like, son's name is bravery. He's like, bravery doesn't need to know that about you. And I was like, no, I'm going to share that with him. And part of it was, I didn't listen to my mom's advice when I was younger, because I thought she couldn't relate because she seemed like too much of a good girl. Now I have all the stories that I'm going to share. And I'm like, guess what? Mommy did that. So you don't need to do that. You can try it if you want, but you'll probably regret it. Just like I regret my four tattoos. I've started this writing on social media called raw, real authentic words, just whatever's placed on my heart that day. And I was driving home from

work and it was placed on my heart to share the story about how I used to drink alcohol while I was nursing my second child. There was so much shame around that. But at the time I was such an alcoholic and the alcohol just owned me, but I don't carry that shame anymore. But when it was placed on my heart, I had to pull off the side of the road and I was crying and it was like, I was able to release it and I'm just writing it and writing it. And a lot of people's comments were like, wow, that was really brave of you, Mandy. That must've taken a lot of courage to share. And I thought to myself, it didn't because I killed that piece of me. And I've forgiven myself so much that it really, it didn't feel brave or courageous. It just felt freeing.

And so that's what I love. It's also, it's empowering and freeing. I almost felt like it was, it was leaving my body and I was able to see the beauty in it. I mean, that now today I can look into that baby's eyes, which is my 16 year old daughter now, and she gets to see her sober mom. So that was the beauty I found in the full circle of sharing the story. Right. And what I'm working on now in the last, well, really since having the podcast is I'm trying to be more open about my current struggles because I have found that first of all, it's so easy when you have a platform and people start

reaching out to you saying, Oh, what you're doing is helping me so much that you get into this mode of like, okay, well I need to show that I know what the hell I'm doing. Half the time I don't like my podcast is about my current journey and I'm figuring shit out with the guests that come on. And there's certain things that I feel like I have figured out. And then the next day, something, a new level comes. And so a new monster comes up and then I've got to figure out how to beat that one. And so being vulnerable with the things as they're going through takes this extra amount of vulnerability because it's not like, oh yeah, I was this total screw up, but I've got it all together now. It's like, I was this total screw up and I'm better now, but I'm still screwing up every single day. Just depends on which facet of my life you want to peer into at that moment. You know, I love that because the last night we were talking about therapists,

me and my 16 year old daughter. And she said, does therapist need therapist? And I said, absolutely. I think that in these journeys, it's not like we're like, okay, I've overcome this. And now there's nothing left to overcome. And I'm just breezing through. It's that what happens when you overcome it is you develop a tool, some sort of mental tool, a body tool, whatever works for you. And then you're able to bring that tool out and the next hardship. So you're still going through all the hardships. You might be in the depths of it when you're also helping somebody else through it because you're like, Hey, I'm holding onto this tool and I'm going to share it with you as well,

but let's get through this together. We're like students, especially when you have guests on. I feel so very blessed to have all this different wisdom coming from all over the world, from all different directions, yet speaking this language of love, it's just like expansion, right? And there's never ever going to be

the ultimate knowledge or wisdom. Like it's impossible. It's endless. Be willing to learn. That's how you grow. If you never stop. When I was in the middle of my pregnancy, I had a really rough pregnancy, started bleeding really heavily.

I went into the ER. I was in Michigan. So it wasn't even my local ER and I was freaking out and the nurses were all really sweet. They checked the heartbeat. They're like, okay, you still have a heartbeat. I was like, oh my gosh, thank you. But we're there for hours. And the ER doctor ended up coming in at the end and basically saying in a very harsh tone, he's like, I don't want you to think you're in the clear. This was called a miscarriage threat. And this makes you much more likely to miscarry. And we ended up going home and I'm basically

waiting to miscarry, just devastated and going through extreme nausea. So I'm just like, this isn't even for anything like what's happening. Went back home and went to an OB visit before I'd switched to a midwife. And she basically was like, do you have a hematoma? This happens in about 40% of pregnancies and is completely normal. And so it just kind of set the tone for my pregnancy. I had nausea the whole time, 24 seven. I was like immobile. We just moved to the mountains where it was snowing. I couldn't layer pants because it was just too cold. And so I was just not my happiest while being pregnant. And I'm fairly certain I had prenatal depression. And so I'm like researching this. I'm like, Oh, there's a higher chance I'm going to have postpartum depression. And I had this interview one day

and I just did not feel like it. Like no part of me wanted to get up and be my best self because I felt so low, but something called me to just keep the interview going. And I ended up having this interview with this woman and I'm preparing for it right before I found this other podcast she was on. And I just kind of scrubbed to the middle to like play podcast roulette, I suppose. And all of a sudden, right where it stops, she's talking about her extreme postpartum depression and how hard it was for her. This is what she does. She studies brains and she knew cognitively what all of it was. And then she, she was actually in the depths of it and she had to pull out all her tools. And it was just one of those moments where I'm like, I'm exactly where I need to be.

I'm talking to exactly the person I need to be talking to. The universe just brought me her. She ended up gifting me the muse meditation headband. And I meditated every single day, the rest of my pregnancy twice a day for 20 minutes. And it changed my whole pregnancy. And it was stuff I already knew, you know, I knew to meditate. I knew to tune into my body. And instead of adding more weight to whatever story I'm telling myself to just tune in and feel where that feels in my body. But I had

to hear it from somebody else in that moment, because I wasn't in a position to really connect with that wisdom that I had on my own. And so I really believe when we become a little bit more aware, instead of just sitting here and putting more power and everything around us and our situation and whatever story we're telling ourselves and just come back, we will be guided to what we need in that moment. Yeah. I am so jealous that you had a baby while you understood that because I didn't, I, you know, I, all my kids are older and I just would have loved to have known Reiki, you know, and all of those things when I was pregnant. And I've worked on a lot of people with energy work who are pregnant and just amazing.

Cause you know, they have like these two souls and you can really sense that. How was that experience energetically with your baby? It was really great sometimes. And then other times, uh, I think there was a downside of having this knowledge in like having higher expectations for myself and being harder on myself in the low moments. And so that was the gratitude I had for that woman, Ariel, who brought me out of it because I was just like, I should be above this. I should have this intuitive connection with my baby. And I really feel like it took me a while to have that. And I think part of it was I immediately got guarded that moment in the ER when I thought I was going to lose him. And so

I was more connected before. And like one week that I first found out I was pregnant and I was like trying, I was reading like spirit babies and trying to connect with him. And then I'm like, I might lose him. And my old defense mechanisms came up and I was just like, Nope, Nope. I'm going to be strong. Like whatever happens and choked up even thinking about it, because then later on when I was reconnecting with that, I'm like, but then I lost time earlier on. And so again, it's like new levels bring new monsters. I did have some really profound, deep moments, but I found that they definitely accelerated after I had that baby. I had to have the proof that all of this was adding up to something real first. Girl, you have been through a lot in your life.

You lost a parent, you lost a friend to suicide and then finding yourself in this abusive relationship. That's just a lot. What are some of the tools you used? Yeah, I mean, I had had a great life up until a certain point and it was still great, but then all of a sudden trauma hit and I did not know how to deal with it. Nobody, you know, nobody really teaches us those tools of, of handling

your emotions of, it was just more like, let's get up and see how I can power through. And so I remember even almost being proud when I would say like, oh yeah, I was raped, but it never affected me. I don't understand why people are so sensitive. And looking back, it's so horrible. I wouldn't say that to people who were sexually assaulted, but that was like my mindset about it. And I ended up losing my dad soon after that and a close friend to suicide. And through each one, I had the same mindset where it was just like, nope, not going to affect me. It was harder with my dad. I definitely had a lot of crying spells, but then I would get up and I would go to a party that night because I was in college. And every time I ignored this, looking back, I could also see

it was only a few months after my dad died that my eating disorder started. Then the way I was sexually in relationships, I definitely went through a slutty phase. And part of that was because I wanted to overpower my previous sexual experiences. And so I was like, I'm going to just create all these new memories. And part of it was also because I didn't know how to say no, because I was afraid of saying no, no one can rate me if I don't say no, you know, like these really sad things looking back. And, and then I had just no self-worth at the end of it. There was just little to no self-worth.

I was living my life through other people. I didn't know what my perfect day looked like. I was just asking everyone else, what are you doing today? And I would go along with it. There was just little to no self-worth. I was living my life through other people. I didn't know what my perfect day looked like. I was just asking everyone else, what are you doing today? And I would go along with it. I didn't know what my version of success looked like because I thought, okay, well, this job will make me a lot of money. I'll go this way. Or this is what people are wearing today. This is, these are the new trends. And so this is what I'm going to wear. This is how other people's bodies look. And when people think they're beautiful, that's what I'm going to force my body to look like. And it ended up where I was just following everybody else. And I had no sense of what I wanted, what would make me happy, what my personal boundaries

are. And instead I wanted to just be everything to everyone else. And that's what led me into this emotionally abusive relationship with a sociopath who I ended up finding out was addicted to meth and gambling. And he was cheating on me and I was more focused on the cheating and something about him cheating was like, if he's still cheating on me, that means I'm not enough. And so instead of cutting that off and finding somebody who valued me, I had to make myself more valuable. And I made excuses for him the whole time because his dad died the weekend I met him. And so all of these things were me being like, I need to show you that I can be there for you the way I wish people were there for me, where I need to understand all the things, the ways you're screwing up because nobody understood the ways I was screwing up. And that was so many years of me ignoring my own signals. I didn't know he was secretly robbing

houses and he robbed over 50 houses, millions of dollars worth of stuff because he drove a Benz. He looked successful. He used to do loans for people. And so he had all the MLS reports of real estate. So he'd know like, Oh, there's a lock box right on the front. And so he would go and just clip the lock box and he'd know these people work from nine to five or these people don't live there anymore. And so he'd find the ones where people were still living there and he'd go and he'd just take the jewelry because he had a legitimate jewelry business before. And so he knew how to weigh gold, like where to sell it. He was selling all this stolen jewelry on eBay. Like talk about trackable. He ended up getting lazy because of his meth addiction. No one had ever even called

and reported anything suspicious. And then he was started allowing his meth dealer to come in and take the TVs. And that's when people started reporting suspicious things. I had went away to Hawaii for a whole month to get away from him. Finally listening to my intuition. And I started eating healthy again and hanging out with a good people. But the moment I came back, it was like that old familiar pull. And so when he called, I was just like an addict relapsing. And I was like, yeah, sure. Let's go get lunch. And it was like a week later, a week after I was back that we were both arrested and he had been cheating on me with another blonde girl. He had borrowed my dog, picked him up from my mom's because he missed my dog and would just take the dog into these houses and like stay

overnight at the ones that didn't have people living in it. And my dog crapped in their house. So long story short, there's this eyewitness account of me and a dog, but it wasn't me. And I was in Hawaii clearly could prove myself innocent. But if I went to trial, he went to trial at the same time because our cases were connected and it would have guaranteed he got 10 years in jail. And I, at the time couldn't do that to him, but I could do it to myself. And so I ended up spending not long in jail, just about eight days, but I got a felony on my record because I took a deal for him. And then that was my rock bottom. And it wasn't even just the felony. It was being in jail, realizing I didn't have a private place to throw up my food. That was my

rock bottom. And so coming out of that, I was like, I need to change my life. I moved to LA to get away from him. He followed me through a brick through my windshield, broke into my house at night, like terrorized me for quite some time. And then he got arrested for another string of robberies and ended up getting 11 years in jail. And at that moment I decided it was the moment I finally felt free. And I was like, I'm not going to waste my freedom. And I started to climb out of that and hang out with different people, surrounding myself with different people was such a huge part. I mean, people think it's like this rock bottom and all of a sudden you're on the up, but no, it took years for me to make better decisions. I was still partying heavily, but I was going to yoga every day and these little seeds were being planted in my mind.

And then I wasn't hanging out with people that were secretly robbing houses. And so I was getting, you know, their soul nourishment and what was helpful to them. And slowly, but surely over the next five years, I found myself in a completely different place. And it was one of those things where I'm like, why isn't this growth faster? But looking back, I was like, wow, that's where I was just five years ago. And this is where I am now. And I used a lot of different tools to get out of that, but mostly it was just reconnecting with myself in all of the ways, listening to my body, nourishing myself, instead of just trying to find the fastest way out of something like, Oh, this medication is going to make me feel this way,

or this medication is going to decrease my appetite or, you know, throwing up my foods, the fastest way to get rid of these calories. And instead it was like redefining my relationship with food and with myself and learning how to listen. And through that, there wasn't just this one tool that fixed it. It was learning how to connect with myself to ask, what do I need in this moment? What's going to help me in this moment and understanding that that might be different every single time or what worked last week might not work this week. And that's okay. And it's not that I'm going backwards at any given moment. It's just that this is my next hurdle that I need to learn to overcome.

And it's going to be happening for the rest of my life. For sure. Thank you for sharing that. That sounds like a fucking hot mess. I am so glad that you got away from that guy, but in the same, you know, those situations bring you rock bottom. So there's only one place to go from there. What am I going to learn from here? You know, you're just going to grow from here. Melissa, you said some powerful things in your story. Holy crap. When you were raped and learning to not say no to people, because if you said no, then that means that you're not being raped. Holy crap. That was deep. Like, can you say that again? What you said? Actually wrote it down too. I just realized at some point, if I didn't say no, I couldn't be

raped. And looking back, I don't even know how I brought humor to this, but there was times like I was the party girl. That was literally my nickname in a sorority that was on the back of my shirt. Isn't everyone in a sorority party girl? But no, I partied harder that that was my nickname. And so I was always going out. And so many times that I would find myself at like three 30 in the morning in a room of a frat house, making out with somebody heavily and realizing like, oh man, I need to have sex with this person now. Like that's unfortunate. I don't want to, but I guess that's what we're doing now. Like that's what I'd be thinking. And then they'd go to the bathroom and I would legitimately run. So there are so many eyewitness accounts of me sprinting in heels, like stilettos back to my dorm or my house, wherever I was living at that time. And it was like funny to people. I was like,

yeah, well, I mean, this is the only way I could say no. So I just started to run. And so it was like funny to people. I was like, yeah, well, I mean, this is the only way I could say no. So I just started to run. And so it was an ongoing joke. That's how often it would happen. And that's not even to say the amount of times they didn't go to the bathroom. It took me a long time to even understand that that was happening. I remember I broke down the Brock Turner case. I'm not sure if you guys remember that, but it was that case where the person that was involved with that, she wrote this really powerful victim statement. And I just started crying. And that was the first time I really processed a lot of the things that I had gone through. Like the very first sexual assault, I didn't know it was sexual assault because it wasn't vaginal rape. I was passed out. It was the very first sexual experience I ever had.

I drank too much peppermint schnapps and I was passed out on the floor and somebody used that as an opportunity to rape my mouth with about five guys watching. And somehow I did not think that was rape. I thought that was my fault and I drank too much. And this was my first time performing oral sex on somebody. That's how I viewed it. Even though I threw up on him and he left me in my own throw up. And so looking back, it's like, wow, what have I been holding onto from that moment that I didn't even see that maybe I wasn't in the wrong there. Yeah. I made some bad decisions previously, but I didn't ask for that. That wasn't my fault. And when I opened myself up to healing, I had to go back and feel everything that I refused to feel. And it was hard and I couldn't feel it

all at once. So it was one thing at a time while still ignoring the other thing while still having an eating disorder while, you know, still making certain poor decisions. And now I'm finally at a place where, you know, things still pop up where I'm like, I made that bad decision, but I get faster. I've created triggers in my life where I'm like, okay. And most of it is just, I don't feel good right now. Like, why do I feel so down? And I can sit there and dwell on whatever story I'm telling myself, give it more power and feel even worse. And that's not the way I choose to process anymore. Sometimes. Yeah. I think about the story, but when I feel that I'm doing that instead, I'm just like, well, where is this feeling? What does that feel like? Oh, it's a tightness in my chest. It's I can feel

my eyes getting heavy. I can feel the room getting dark. What's that about? And just sitting in that, just the sensory of it. And I find that most often that's what allows it to pass faster. And so again, like I said, it's, there's still new things that pop up all the time, but I just have a different way of dealing with it than I did in the past. Powerful. Yeah. And then the other thing you said was how you were feeling so undervalued in that relationship. So you felt like instead of getting out of it, you just needed to continue to bring more value to yourself and make yourself more valuable. That really hit home with me. Cause I've felt that before. Can you talk about that for a minute?

It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately because I have a child and I'm like, how am I going to teach this child in a way that I wasn't taught? And it's going to be difficult because especially when I was younger, I think we can all relate to this. Like, how do we value ourselves? Like, I didn't really start to feel valuable in my life until I started living with purpose. And it's interesting because if you would have asked me at that time, I would have said I loved myself. I knew I was good at things. I knew that people liked me. I was proud of my sense of humor, but what I knew even better were all the ways that I was flawed, all the ways I didn't compare to the people around me. And now we're living in a time where people can, I only had

to compare myself to the people in my high school. And now people can compare themselves to every person with the perfect ass on Instagram, you know, how do you even compare and Photoshop? Like they're seeing most of the world through Photoshop and something that's not even real. And so how do I, I found my value in a way that it involved going through so many hardships. How do I teach someone value what their real value is before they've gone through all that? Can I save him any of that? And on one hand, I think I might be able to in a little bit, hopefully on the other hand, what I learned intimately through my experience with that terrible relationship was this whole time I was trying to save him from pain because his dad died. And in doing that,

and what I've learned in going to Al-Anon, you can't steal someone's rock bottom. All you end up doing by trying to cushion it for them is going down with them. And then you're the one with all the bruises and then they're going to keep screwing up and they're going to find harder ways. And oftentimes you end up just lowering the rock bottom even further. The more you try to save them. It's not your burden to carry. It's not your pile of shit to sit in.

I've been there and I give you so much props for doing the Al-Anon and taking those steps because people who are in those kinds of relationships need support just as much as the people who are going through the struggle. Absolutely. A hundred percent. If not even more, you can literally like Mandy used to always say, you can become as sick as the person, but I had no self-worth my whole life. Your daughter or you don't have a daughter yet, right? You only have a son. But yeah, your son will. Yeah, it'll be so fun teaching him because I think the most important thing I can do is teach him how to know himself think about that. What would your day look like in that? What does your day look like in this? What would fit this? Or, oh, you're thinking about starting a relationship. Like instead of saying like, oh, what quality in Becky down the street do you like? Ask what are your favorite qualities in all

the girls that you like? You know, like what are those? That's your perfect woman. You know, like have them be manifesting from day one of, or be getting a lot of clarity around what they want in their lives from the right place. Instead of saying like, Oh, well, my three best friends want this. And so, so am I, I'm going to want that too. Or, or this is what all the cool kids are doing. I'm going to do that too. It's like, why do you feel that way? And, and I think a lot of that's going to come back to just asking him a lot of questions and getting him to come up with the answers instead of telling him so much, because that's what has ultimately led me to my most healing is asking myself questions.

And sometimes I think I know the answers, but if I sit down and I'm like, what do I need right now? And actually sit in stillness instead of assuming I already know, usually something new comes up or something deeper than I allowed myself to feel or hear before. I'll tell you what I have learned way more from my children than they've probably learned from me. I mean, it blows my mind daily what my children teach me. And there's so much beauty in that if we can just create and allow that space for that to happen. But a lot of parents just think they own their children and that they only learn from them. And so when I'm able to just

sit back and observe, it's so beautiful what they teach me. That's actually what inspired me to have children. Like I had been telling myself for so long that I wasn't going to have children. And looking back, it was again, a protective mechanism. I wasn't going to get married. I wasn't going to have children. And looking back, it was again, a protective mechanism. I wasn't going to get married. I wasn't going to have children because I can't be rejected if I never expect to get married, you know? And so I remember somebody saying, you know, childless people can do everything that people with children can do, but having children is an experience that you only have if you have children. And I started to really think about it. I was deep in a meditation and I had this visual of like the cycle of life. And I was already feeling like I was getting to this place where I'm like, I'm not learning

quite as much as many books as I'm still trying to read. It's just not the same. I'm not getting that feeling of expansion as I was before. And that was when this little calling started to have like, well, what happens if I have a child? And I think that is the case with so many people where you go in and you're like, well, I'm going to mold this little creature, but it's like, this is its own soul that came here as well. And if you can remember that independence with that little being, then why did it come into my family? Why did he choose me? That's how I look at it. He chose me and my husband. Like, what am I here to learn? And it's something that I've learned even through podcasting. Like, oh, it's like, well,

what can I share with people? How can I make people laugh? But the more that I sit back and I'm like, how can this moment change me instead of how can I change this moment? That's when my deepest growth started happening because I would go into a conversation and instead of entertaining, I was absorbing and I would go into the park. And instead of just being there, I was opening myself up to receiving whatever was in that moment. And sometimes it might be a bird chirping and it sounds so cheesy, but like, I would just focus on that a little bit more. And I would have like some inspired idea that may or may not have anything to do with that bird, but that moment opened it up. And so I'm just trying to be open to more of my life instead of pushing, I guess.

And it's, I guess that also happens to be in my feminine energy and just allowing myself to be in the feminine more than the masculine. But it's amazing how much I find myself learning just by having this mindset. Beautiful. Congratulations. You're doing great. Well, no, I mean, I just love that perspective. I wrote it down. How can we just be present in this moment? How can it change me rather than how can I change this moment? That's powerful. I remember when I got into the relationship with my husband, he was the first man I had ever been with that also worked on himself. And that

was when my growth exponentially started because other times I would be working on myself and then I would be hanging out with somebody else or be in a relationship who didn't believe the things I believed and I would go stagnant. And with him, I just kept growing. And so I thought, how can I design my life in a way that I'm constantly meeting people that surge that growth in the same way? And so that's really what podcasting brought for me. It's one of those things too, where you build an audience and that ADD side of me, where I'm like, can I do this one thing forever? I can always be designing the other programs or what else I'm doing, or I have this audience

that I can introduce whatever is passionate to me at that next moment. Maybe it's merch, maybe it's a coaching program, maybe it's something completely different or a retreat. And so it allows me enough flexibility to still kind of feed that ADD brain of mine, but also all the other things that I talked about. So it was just really getting clarity about what makes me happy and what my ideal life looks like. And that was the first time in my life I'd ever done that before. I love that. What's your podcast name? My podcast is called mind love two words and find it at mind love.com or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Uh, it's pretty easy to find at this point. And I have a, an episode on almost everything. I'm like, what

happened? I not covered. And so, uh, it's a lot of fun. I'm like, what haven't I not covered? And so, uh, it's a lot of fun. I've had some really amazing guests and, and it just makes me happy every day to be honest with you. Yeah. Same. Thank you so much for coming on because I feel like we do talk a lot about the same stuff.

We do cover a lot of the same topics and I think that we need to be a community, all of us who are out there doing the same thing. So I'm glad to have met you and hope to continue to talk with you. I'm definitely going to listen to your podcast. I liked your website. Can you talk about the things that are amazing on your website? The thing that I am most inspired by right now, because I have a 10 week old, I'm really just focused on giving people free content actually. And so I have a morning email called the morning mind love, and it's just the short note of inspiration that you wake up to every weekday. And so people love it. Usually people are like, Oh my gosh, it feels like a little daily horoscope or a little note for my higher self. And so you can sign up for that right on the homepage at mindlove.com or text the word morning to 33777 and it'll get you right on the list.

I like that. So if you do sign up for the morning mind love, you can reply to any of those. And I always reply back. And you can also find me on Instagram at mind love Melissa. So usually if somebody writes to me there, I'll send them a little voice note back. It's a lot of fun. You have like free meditations and everything, don't you? Yeah. Every time I give out something free, something in the universe comes back to me. So I really like doing it. Melissa, do you just go skydiving on the weekend for fun or I'm curious, what was that about? You seem very adventurous. I love your fun side. Like you have pictures of you like jumping in a swimming pool with your full, like amazing outfit on with your husband, my wedding dress. Yeah. So fun. I love like the energy you give off just seems very childlike and fun and I love it. So what's the skydiving about? Skydiving was a goal of mine.

I wanted to jump out of a plane by myself. You know, when you sign up to be certified in skydiving, the very first jump is by yourself. You're not tandem. I had to go 17 times to get certified. And then I just never went again. It was like the certification was my goal. I'm not saying I never will go again. I just, that was my motivation was this goal of the certification. And then like afterwards I'm like, Oh, I could go anywhere now. And then I was like, I'm good. So, Oh my God, that's awesome. And now it's time for break that shit down. I think what's on my heart today is just a reminder to be easy on yourself. I think those of us that are on this soul path of growth, we get to that point of being like,

I think I should have been over this, or this shouldn't be affecting me, or I shouldn't feel this kind of judgment right now. And then it's just this new demon that we're bringing into this picture. And instead of just dealing with what we have to deal with at that moment, we're also judging ourselves and bringing in a sense of shame. And so I've found that I've done that a ton through my pregnancy journey, through being a new mom. And the moment that I feel that I'm proud that I have brought in different triggers to teach me to look at this in a new way and to be a little bit kinder on myself and to be that best friend to myself or that parent to myself, to my inner child. And so how can I look at this? That makes me feel better. Okay. I'll look at this judgment this way, or no,

now I'll look at it this way. Oh, here's the one. And that's the one that feels this sense of ease. And so it's just bringing more compassion into the equation in every single moment, because you're never going to get to this place where all of a sudden you're just floating on a cloud. You're enlightened and you never have a hardship again. That's not what this journey here is. And so just reminding myself or yourself, passion will bring me closer to the purpose of it and the meaning behind it than if I'm sitting there judging, because that judgment is just like the ego's meaning behind something. Whereas if we relax into it and just feel it, our higher self will come in and show us what actually our soul is trying to show us in that moment. I picture my soul is like this little puppet master and I'm like the marionette, this human figure stuff out. But that is really what self-love comes back to for me is just that curiosity and compassion for self. Thank you, Melissa. Thank you for being just so authentic and raw. And our world needs that. And we appreciate you very much. Well, thanks for

having me on. Thank you so much. Please join us this Saturday at 9am Mountain Time on our Sense of Soul Facebook, Sense of Soul SOS for an announcement we are super excited about. Hope to see you there. Thanks for being with us today. We hope you will come back next week. If you like what you hear, don't forget to rate, like and subscribe. Thank you. We rise to lift you up. Thanks for listening.