Sense of Soul - Recovery and Wellness

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

Today on Sense of Soul Podcast we have Michelle Hillier, she is a Recovery Coach, Transformational Breathwork Coach, Ted X speaker, Dance/Movement Specialist, Yoga instructor, Certified Meditation /Social Emotional Learning/Wellness Teacher and the founder of Breath+Fire, a wellness program that helps people identify gaps in their lives that are holding them back from becoming who they truly want to be. The COVID-19 pandemic pushed Michelle to her breaking point. All of a sudden, all of her work—which had been her escape—was cancelled. The isolation spotlighted the cracks in her marriage while at the same time Michelle’s mother was diagnosed with dementia, and she looked for ways to numb the feelings.  Today, Michelle is in recovery, she and she uses her personal story to help people see it’s possible to lead a great life. Thousands of people have gone through the online wellness course that uses personal reflection, evidence-based mindfulness, and intentional body movement to overcome addiction, relationship issues, transition in their careers, and more. Before starting Breathe+Fire, she ran the Groovin’ Kids program, which created movement courses for schools that reached more than 1M students in 800 schools, community centers, and camps across North America. Visit Michelle’s Website: www.breathandfire.com Visit Sense of Soul at www.mysenseofsoul.com Do you want Ad Free episodes? Join our Sense of Soul Patreon, our community of seekers and lightworkers. Also recieve 50% off of Shanna’s Soul Immersion experience as a Patreon member, monthly Sacred circles, Shanna mini series, Sense of Soul merch and more. https://www.patreon.com/senseofsoul Thank you to our Sponsor  KACHAVA, Use this link for 10% off! www.kachava.com/senseofsoul  

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Check out our Patreon. Today we have with us Michelle Hillier. She is a recovery coach, a transformational breathwork coach, a TEDx speaker, a dance movement specialist, yoga instructor, certified meditation, social emotional learning wellness coach. And she is the founder of Breath and Fire, a wellness program that helps people identify gaps in their lives that are holding them back from becoming who they truly want to be. Thank you so much, Michelle, for being with us. Hi. How are you?

Good. How are you? I am good. Where are you in the US? I'm in Aurora, Colorado. Colorado. Okay. Yeah. Yep. Where are you at? Toronto, Canada. Oh, cool.

Yeah. It's snowing really good right now so i wish we had we've had a gray like we had snow at christmas we normally have like we're canada we have tons of snow yeah we just had gray and cold we have not seen the sun we have a vitamin d deficiency for like two weeks here it's everyone is just like where's the sun oh it's gonna be zero degrees here where's the snow and sun? I know. Very similar weather to Colorado. Yeah. I'm excited to hear about your story. I love breath and fire. So I'm a Reiki master teacher. And so when I'm doing the attunements, I try to do the breath of fire. The breath of fire. Yeah. I do it a little bit here and there with clients and in classes,

but I love it. It's a tough. That's a real powerful practice. Breath of fire. It is. It is amazing. You know, one of the things at the beginning of my journey I discovered was that I didn't breathe. That's it. One of the hugest like somatic pieces for me is like I found my breath. And that's when I called it breath and fire breath to like find your breath, find your calm, the power of that and then ignite your fire, which I had no problem doing. I was on fire for about 25 years. So there was no problem.

So, you know, I remember when I did some classes, well, cause I'm also a massage therapist. One of my classes was, I think it was like a shot suit class or acupressure or something. And we went over the elements of like what we are and I am earth. Okay. And I am the unhealthy fire. So there's like the two different fires and I, the one that was, is too busy is, you know, too much energy, almost like that hyper dysfunctional ADHD kind of fire. Right. I can relate to that. The raging inferno. That was me like saying yes to everything, always busy in myself. And that came along with like alcohol, which was funny because alcohol, you know, you just take alcohol and put it on fire. It's like for real, like the two substances together. And I just hosted that way for a long time. Wow.

So I haven't drank in over 12 years because I'm surrounded by alcoholics. I've just decided not to. And, you know, my children, when I made this decision, they were going into high school and stuff. And I just decided just to be that person that was sober. I really never liked it that much. I like coffee a lot, though. I love my coffee. I've not given that up. That might be who knows when, but.

You know, but I did also do Al-Anon. I still do sometimes. Good. And, you know, I don't know if you knew, but Carl Jung had a big play in the big book. Yeah, it's great literature. I know. For sure. This deeper spirituality like I don't think anybody really knows that it is a spiritual program it that's the at the end of the day yes we get yes there are these steps to get you sober and uh but really it's about finding your

spirituality and your sense of soul like your sense of self when you don't have that you're out of alignment and you're in dis-ease like you you're distant from ease. So who were you before Michelle, before you were the founder of Breath and Fire? Yeah. So a lot of changes. I was married. So I was a wife, which I'm no longer anymore. I'm single. So I was a wife to a man of 20 years with a gorgeous son. He's 10 now. If you look on paper, my title would look the same. So speaker, founder of a business I started in 2007 called Fit to Dance, which then evolved into something called the Groove Education. So it was all around getting dance and fitness and movement accessible for children in schools. So I was a high school

teacher and I left the traditional classroom setting after three years and started my own business. So it went quickly into me having a team of facilitators and then being sought after across pretty much North America. I spent a lot of time in the US on stages and doing workshops and trainings for teachers on how to make movement really accessible and easy and getting every kid the sort of inspiration that they can move and they can dance. So I was doing all the things. I mean, I was facilitating, I was a leader, I had a team, I was social, I was saying yes to everything. I was bubbly, I was perceived as bubbly and spirited and fun to be around. But I also was an alcoholic.

Drinking was a huge embedded in everything I did. So whether it was at conferences and events or with friends or after classes with my participants, I never really drank over negative news or I wasn't like a closet, quiet, depressed drinker. I was like the party girl. And it kind of came along with having my own business and being an entrepreneur. And I sort of dove into the corporate scene just before COVID for two years. So I was then doing movement and activation breaks and wellness workshops for the corporate world. So banks, insurance companies, large organizations, I was flying all over Canada that comes with an open bar everywhere. So I thought I kind of, I feel like I had it made in terms of, I got to party and work and do all my things, but I knew

something was off. I knew I couldn't sustain it. I knew something was, I knew I couldn't do it, keep going this way. There was a deep core unhappiness that no one knew about. I didn't really know about the depth of it until I got sober. Do you think that the alcohol also helps you be fun and more open and more relaxed, you know, with your clients and with the people around you? That's a great question. And I've done a lot of thinking about even when my drinking started, like, did I need alcohol in my teenage years in university to go to parties? Right.

Because it's everywhere. I grew up in a smaller town outside Toronto and booze was where if you didn't drink, you didn't have a social life, pretty much like bush parties and house parties. Alcohol was just there. And then university, it's very typical for students to binge drink and party drink. And I thought, did I need alcohol to, to engage in all that? No, I didn't. Cause I'm a very, I'm comfortable around people, but I think what alcohol did for me was tolerate situations I would never have gone to before. It gave me a level of tolerance. And now in sobriety, I just either choose not to go to like the mom crowd that's drinking, you know, at someone's house on a

weekend. I would go no problem before because I knew alcohol would be there for me to tolerate the people there, the conversations being had, the environment. So I think it let me stay a little longer or stay till the end. So now I just either don't go or I stay very short of things. So I think it let me stay a little longer or stay till the end. So now I just either don't go or I stay very short of things. So I didn't need it to be fun and outgoing, but I needed to stay. Wow. Yeah. It gave me tolerance to tolerate things I didn't want to be in, especially when drinking was aligned with work situations. So like I said, when I was traveling for corporate events, you sort of are assumed you're going to have to be at the hotel lobby bar especially when drinking was aligned with work situations so like I said when I was traveling for corporate events you sort of are assumed you're going to have to be at the hotel lobby bar you

know before the event and then after the event and drinking is everywhere and thinking I don't even want to talk to these people half the time I'd rather be in my room but I know I don't like you yeah I don't think we have anything in common but but then get it, get the alcohol there, get the buzz going, get the drinks flowing. And I was great and I could tolerate it all. And but then I never knew when to stop. That was my problem. I was fun, fun, fun. It's just too much fun.

Everyone's like, we're done. And you're like, what? Come back to my room. Yeah, there was just never. And you know, it is all lack of self-awareness. I was just I've that's if someone could ask me, it is all lack of self-awareness. I was just, I've, that's if someone could ask me, I think I should, something did ask me at a studio I work at here in Toronto. Um, they didn't know I got sober during COVID and they said, what's been the

hugest change? Cause they are mentioning, you look different, you feel different. They hadn't seen me since 2020. And what's the biggest change? And I said, my level of self-awareness, I mean, there's many things, but if I can like pinpoint it to one thing, it's this like deep connection to self that I didn't have while I'm drinking socially for years and years. Yeah. So how did it affect your relationships?

I mean, you know, your personal relationships when you quit drinking, because I know that that's difficult as well. I mean, it's a lot of your relationships are really around parking and it's true it comes with a lot and that's the I think that's a big fear for um individuals when they are considering sobriety or sober curious and I was sober curious in like 2010 like 12 years before I actually got sober or 10 years and I thought god what would my life be it'd be boring boring. What would I do? Those are my big questions. And I work as a coach now in recovery and volunteer at a treatment

center up in Canada. When people are sober curious, my clients, it's like, what will I do? Like my life revolves around drinking with my husband at night. We share a bottle of wine, or I go with my girlfriends away for weekends or go to these events for work, especially when it's work connected, when it's work connected, like it's expected that I drink. So we have these ideas and I had those two. What I can say is that it comes with a ton of change. Now, the nice piece was that COVID was lined up perfectly with my sobriety. So nothing was going on. It was an absolute gift that all of a sudden we're going to get you sober and you're going to work on your recovery and your

sobriety. And there's no Christmas, there's no new year's. It's actually beautiful. And I, yeah, it's amazing. It was amazing gift. It's a transitional period for so many people, even though it was a shit show, but yes. So my family were from Louisiana. We actually get together and eat, but like my partner's family, they get together and drink. So that's kind of like, you know, it seems like there's these dynamics. We do a lot of things early on his side, because if you do it too late, then, you know, it could have been Christmas. So.

Absolutely. The girlfriends that supported me that I, I guess, quote, drank with beforehand, like, you know, my friends were so supportive and like they're concerned for me with alcohol before I sought treatment and got sober. They're still all in my life and we just do different things. And it's actually beautiful. Instead of getting together for, you know, pre-Christmas, I always got together with this one friend and we used to go for like a boozy lunch and it would lead to like us picking up the kids after school on the last day. Instead, we did like a hot yoga class and went for coffee after. And then instead of late nights with girls, I do early, early morning walks with them. So it's just, and they appreciate it too, Shaina. Like I can see, I'm not sure if I'm, I don't want to say that I am, but they're getting curious. I can tell they're getting curious about their relationship with alcohol as well after seeing the positive effects

it's had on me and I am kind of a glue in my friends I keep I'm very much I keep in touch with all of them I always reach out and so I don't know if they're drinking less or if they're doing less because I just don't see everybody drinking as much around me or maybe it's just what I what I want to perceive I don't know did you at the beginning have to kind of place those boundaries though? Yeah. My first couple of social situations, I either didn't go or I would go early and leave early. But my girlfriends, the people that loved me and cared about me, never forced me to create a boundary. I didn't have to.

If anything, I'd say, no, no, no, go ahead and have that glass of wine. And they're like, no, I I didn't have to do that. Like anything I'd say, no, no, no, go ahead and have that glass of wine. And they're like, no, I really don't want to around you. And no, I mean, I didn't have to set boundaries where if I see this person, my boundary is if they drink, I need to leave. I didn't need to set those. And I come from a very small family. So my now ex-husband and I separated and divorced. Now his family was sort of my family here in Toronto. So I don't, I no longer saw them as much and yeah, they drank and I drank with them, but that was sort of removed from my life. I'm an only child. My father passed like 15 years ago. So my mom and I, that's it. And she went super downhill with dementia during COVID. So I had a nursing

home, like a caregiving home for dementia, which was a big part of my about with the active addiction with the alcohol really becoming a problem during COVID was that was all I needed to cope with this huge, like monumental, you know, situation with her. And now she she's she's safe, and she's healthy and happy, but she has no clue who I am. So I like share wine with her so that that's now removed. So it's like I'm in this really safe place where no alcohol is not really around me unless I go and find it. Right. A lot of my friends in recovery have to deal with their spouse or their friends or their family drinking heavily all the time. In my recovery circles is like, man, my husband drinks every night and I'm asking him not to, I can't be around it.

I think that would be really hard. So I really feel grateful. I haven't had to set boundaries like that, but I would if I had to. So it's not in my house. It's not, it's nowhere around me and makes a lot easier. I mean, it gets easier as I, the more months that I get, and now I have the obsession drink is, is totally gone. I think that a lot of times when we are working on ourselves deeply, one of the things that we find just like you in that awareness, you know, we find that we weren't treating ourselves very kindly. You know, we weren't a priority. We didn't have any kind of balance where, you know, more was going out than was coming in. It sounds like you're, you're a teacher, you're a mother, you're a caregiver. How did you get there? Like what was,

what did that moment look like for you? Cause I, I know for myself, it was a big moment when I realized, oh my God, I talked to myself. like I would, I would never talk to anybody like that. That's right. No, I was probably in denial that I didn't have self-love. I clouded it with self-confidence. So I've always had a very high confidence level. I've been on stages since I've been a little, a little girl and performer, speaker, educator, you know, facilitator, no problem. Give me a mic and I'm good. Give me me 1000 people, I'm good. But like, that's a level of self confidence that I had. But I have a strong belief in myself in that arena, like in that performer, Michelle, that like, that's the real Michelle. That's what I'm discovering. That extroverted party performer girl, which served

me well for a long time until it didn't. That also was not the real me. I actually gain energy from being alone. I never was alone ever before recovery. I never lived alone. I never wanted to spend time alone. And if I was alone, I can't, I, it's amazing to me. I would have a glass or two of wine on my own because I think I didn't want to be with myself because I was afraid of what the answers were going to be. And that was the sort of the paradox is that I'm on stages talking about wellness and being yourself and, you know, living your best life. And there I am either hung over on that stage or cannot wait to get to the hotel lobby bar after that stage to get a drink. And that's where I mentioned that the sober curiosity I had 10

years ago, I thought, God, it would all be in alignment if I didn't drink. But I know it was so now, where that I'm here, man, it does. So now you're walking the walk, I'm talking the talk, I can't describe this. It's, it's, it's best. You're free. I'm free. You're free from all the masks. I'm liberated. Someone's giving the handcuffs have been taken off me where I was constantly thinking about where, and it was all about escaping and numbing and not really knowing who I was. I was afraid to get to know myself. I know. Isn't that so true?

When I look at my young adult children, of course they don't know fully who they are, right? But at least I've given them the space to, of course, they don't know fully who they are, right? But at least I've given them the space to, and I've made sure that they understand that they have the space to. You don't have to be all of the things, all of these systems, you know, it's like irrelevant. The most important thing is to, you know, find that true, authentic spark within. But our generation, right, we were trying to be the most do the most do the most but there was no like discover yourself that came with maybe travel Europe

after university and discover yourself well I did that I worked in a cruise ship for a year I just partied and drank I didn't discover anything but where the parties were and the beaches so I but I think the sense that that comes with discovering yourself comes with some sense of being okay with being quiet and being alone and being in solitude and, and letting it come through and not be, if you're that type that has to always be out in the world, people pleasing and getting applause and validation, it's really tough to get to know yourself because your identity of yourself is those that form from others so I hear great feedback from me for my whatever I did and accolades and like that's Michelle that's who I am I would I would self-identify with how other people talk about yeah and that would lead to my positive self I actually had extremely positive self-talk

but it was not the real me it was people people, other people's perceptions of me. Right. When I got to a party or an event or anything, and it's like, Oh, Michelle's here. She's the, she's the dancer performer that got to perform, perform, but really I just want to slink in and no one noticed me. And now I can do that. Or now I don't even go, what am I talking about? But before, and that was a lot of pressure, like, you know, teach us a dance or like sing us a song. I'm like, Oh my God, what am I a puppet? And then the drinking would help keep that going again, tolerate, tolerate the situation, the drinking would help. Wow. Wow. So you still teach dance and movement is still an important part. So, you know, it's interesting because that multidimensional self, right?

That connection, like, I feel like it's so easy to go on one side or the other. Like you're so obsessed with your body or you're so in your head and having that balance is, it's the key basically of health, um, emotionally and mentally and physically that'll all be balanced together. There's been times where at the beginning of my journey, I wanted to just meditate. And I, I mean, I felt like I was on vacation on a daily, damn, check it out. I can relate to that. Yeah. And then coming back to my body, but a lot of people experience pain,

especially in their thirties and into their forties. I have so many clients right now, there's so much pain and I'm like, yeah, your body is literally screaming for you to, you know, honor it and to bring some attention to it. I can speak to that. Actually, that's really hits home with me being a dancer, mover, fitness person, performer for all the years, coupled with drinking. I remarkably was never injured. So I never had any, any injuries up until my late thirties. I had James, my son around 38. And then I had some serious hip pain after I had him and fast forward after debilitating pain I had two hip replacement surgeries in 2018 I know so that that is sort of where I feel like my quote

recovery journey started however I was still drinking. It's where the alcohol to numb and to escape from things really took a center stage because I identified myself as this fit, you know, petite showgirl. Let's just say they got a lot of attention, did her work on stages, getting people dancing and moving. We're going to take you and that's your identity. We're going to take that totally away from you. We're going to ground you. You have to recover in like a, you know, lazy boy and not move. So my identity was like, who am I now? I can't be out in the world doing my things. So that's when alcohol really played a role in like the boredom of

recovery and also masking pain. Now it was an amazing lesson too, because all the intense, vigorous, not body aware movements I was doing for a long time, which didn't lead to the hip surgeries. I had a hip dysplasia diagnosis as a child that never got uncovered. And then I needed to have them replaced eventually. Anyway, I just accelerated it with all the work that I did on my body. So there I am sort of having to redefine myself, learning to walk again. And it slowed me down. What it was a gift. It slowed me down. I can no longer do anything. Well, I'm not suggested, suggested that I don't do anything with impact anymore. So I used to be the, you know, the runner, the, the try the new CrossFit thing, jumping faster harder stronger all to prove to people how great I got into now I do yoga I swim I stretch and the byproduct is I'm in the best shape I've been in my life isn't that crazy

my body's like yes you're getting the message you've slowed the crap down. And that came with being sober awareness. It's all come together. And the mindfulness. I would listen to another podcast that you were on, the Mindfulness Mode podcast. One thing I did hear in the interview, which I thought, you loved Thich Nhat Hanh. Oh, I love Thich Nhat Hanh. Oh my God, god bless his soul i mourned for him for days i watched his funeral for days it was so old how well did he died like well he let himself go right right at midnight exactly at midnight he went the 22nd of january 122 122 but then right zero zero on the clock is when he went. Amazing. I really appreciate his work. I find it beautiful. I mean, even eating, if you're mindful with your eating, I mean,

you don't eat beyond when you might eat. I graze all day. I work from home and kind of work on the road. I don't like have to have set meals. And so I, when I find grazing for me as my way of mindfully eating, like I'm a little hungry now for like you know cheese crackers and olives and then later on I'll have some fruit and peanuts like it's never like a meal and that's just how I work but that's my way of being mindful of when I'm hungry and operating a world different but that works for me well and when you're meditating and when you're doing you know healthy exercises and connecting with your body you're sleeping better and sleep is such an important part actually burns so many calories when you do. And it

regulates all the chemicals that you need that help you not be so hungry or crave sugar. Like if you're sleeping regularly, literally you will lose weight. I'm like, that's amazing. Maybe that's why I'm having no trouble with my weight and recovery because I'm sleeping again like all my all my systems were out of alignment yeah sleep was out eating was off it was sporadic obviously the toxins and poisons of alcohol like I don't miss when I think about that like I every other part of my life was was sort of quote healthy yet I'm pouring out like poison down my throat like it just didn't go it didn't fit right so when you finally quit drinking was were you already involved in had you already started um breath and fire or did that come afterwards breath and fire truly was birthed out of my recovery so I at that time I saw it after treatment, I went to a 30 day treatment program, November, 2020 and got, and like had an eye opening to like what life could be like

in recovery and had, it was like a month of discovery and being alone. So that was 2021. I spent 2021 dealing with a relapse. I was sober for seven months. I was getting my feet grounded, being separated from my husband and managing the co-parenting of our son. And then I, but I was getting my feet grounded, being separated from my husband and managing the co-parenting of our son. And then I, but I was not working a 12 step program. I wasn't really speaking to any other people in the addicted community or recovery community. I was doing it myself. I was like, I got this. I'm going to make up my own program. That's, that's for everybody else.

And that led to a relapse thinking I can just have a drink. Yeah. I just, I do it normally. And then July 21 is my like sober date, 20, July 21, 21. And from there life has changed drastically. So that's where I embraced the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous and got involved in a beautiful female recovery community that I speak to still two or three other addicts every day. They become dear friends. I never thought I needed friends. That was like, you know, I don't need any new friends. I've got

great friends, but to have some women recovery, you can't beat it because they just, and I got a great therapist that specializes in addiction and all the other things too. Cause once you remove the primary substance, like the alcohol, the food, the drugs, the sex, the gambling, whatever, all those underlying things come up like codependency and, you know, love addiction. So I I'm dealing with all those things. It never ends. So good therapy and then lots of journaling and reflecting every day. And then what it kind of dawned on me was like, I finally found my calm. Wow. I found my breath. And I just was like journaling these mind maps and diagrams. Cause I was trying to think about what is now my soul's purpose

on this planet from the work or the service that I want to do. I have, I really struggle with the word work. I don't say I've got to do some work this afternoon. It's like, I love what I do so much. And it's aligned with just my life that it doesn't feel like work. So I thought what is my next thing that I want to, but not next thing, what is the thing that I want to put out to the world that can fuse together my speaking, my teaching, my movement, my meditation, my new love of recovery and all these things. So in the, sorry, it was kind of seeking something. And then in the absence of one, I created one, I created this idea of breath and fire, and it truly is just a balance. So that's, that launched in April, 2022.

Oh my gosh. I love it. So tell me about breath and fire. Yeah, absolutely. So it is a wellness organization that, and I'm the founder of it. I don't have any team and don't plan to, I've had companies before in the past where I've had teams and I, I, I'm, I like to do things solely. I'm good on my own. And so it involves, um, uh, certain services like coaching. So recovery coaching, wellness coaching and somatic. So I, I have a lot of somatic practices that I do. I'm actually taking a really cool certificate program starting, month with the Embody Lab. So it's somatic attachment therapy certificate. So because that body holds a lot of issues, as you know, Reiki and massage like this,

this vessel is if we can find tools to release it and release what's stuck. That's something I see my work going towards even more having the background in dance and fitness and yoga. And so coaching that could be one on one. that's something I see my work going towards even more having the background in dance and fitness and yoga and so coaching that could be one-on-one and then I offer the breath and fire experience which is it can be anywhere from an hour to two hours for community members organizations corporate kids I even I did some teenagers yesterday I was with teens all day they need it they need it big time and it is a an experience involving meditation, breath work. So I got also very into transformational breath work practices. So meditation, breath work,

yoga, dance, and it's just this big fusion. We build a fire and then we come back down. So we stoke it and there's a peak at the top and then journaling reflection after, you know, I finally found my flame. It was flickering pretty pathetically during COVID. Then in my pre, like pre COVID, it was a raging inferno. So it's this like optimal blaze that I found now. So I help people find their flame and the flame is our soul. The flame is like our essence, our soul.

And we all have one that it's never gone I would say you know it hasn't gone out I promise you just have to find a way to fuel it or bring it down yes right I like that too so from 2018 to now is where I feel like that's been this journey of like body mind and soul recovery wow I Wow. This is so beautiful because you put everything that you were doing before that you're passionate about and you found this other peaceful side of you, this calms the breath and fire. I love it. You put it together. That's beautiful. Thanks. Yeah. It does really feel like a calmer version of myself. And I, my people have known me in my life for decades, just say that I do seem much more grounded and much calmer.

And when a new person meets me and says, you're so calm or you're so like, it is such a compliment. I'm calm. I think before I just wasn't aware, you know, when you like you're, I was constantly thinking about the next thing to say, or how can I make this about me? My ego was just having a heyday. It's still there. We can't abandon our ego. We got to be friends with it. But it's just, it's just not at the forefront anymore.

And having to be the performer, the game validation that way. That's right. And the validation comes from within. If we got to love ourself. And I was like, I actually do now know what self-love is. I think that's so often the world, maybe it's because of social media, or maybe it's just the fact that, you know, humans are always, you know, have this strong ego and always try to be better and do more. Am I good enough? Seeking validations for our feelings. We need all of these things from the outside and it's very self-destructive.

It is. It is. It leads to us making decisions. I find at least speaking personally, making decisions that are not in alignment with what you want to do. It's what you other people and how you will get like you're making a decision based on how you're going to get the validation. So taking the gig or saying the thing or going to the place or being in that situation, doing that behavior, it's, you know, it's going to make you feel good because it'll make other people say good things about you. So that's where that has shifted. Yeah. You're giving them the power.

Yes. And I think it comes with kind of in the most simple terms, not caring what people think. And and that's that's so easy to say but that has to come with uh that that takes practice number one but realizing that this is actually all that matters in terms of like your physical body if this is not in alignment and and happy and you know well taken care of you can't serve anybody else. And I, I would preach that. I would talk about that. Fill your cup first before you go anywhere. And I didn't do any, I didn't do any. Yeah. I mean, I literally could have told you everything about boundaries, codependency, all of the things I could literally, I mean, I knew that those books and I knew how to

do it, but I wasn't living it. I totally can relate. And then when I finally did, I was like, holy shit, this is amazing. I mean, I don't remember really what I actually do. The what clicked for me is that I stopped thinking that I was doing all of it for somebody else. Yeah. And we think we, I do, I mean, I have this messaging in my, so when I do my breath and fire movement experience, I am asking,

I act as more their guide. So I asked them to be creative. There is no right or wrong way to move. Say we have a song on, I'll show them a simple movement and have them through my voice. I'll guide them how to make it look different. So they all look different and there's always that voice in their head. And I called about it and say, I know that voice is talking to you, say, saying, you look stupid. What are you doing? You don't know what you're doing. And then the most important one, we are so concerned what others think of us. But if we're all, this is in my class, but if we're all thinking that everyone's looking at us, then no one's

looking at you because we actually are all concerned about ourselves. So I think if we can drop the narrative that people actually care more than because they don't, people are so busy with their own lives and doing their own thing. But we think they're obsessed about talking about our situation. I had that when I got sober. I thought, what are people going to think of me that I had to seek treatment and this and that and my clients. And I kind of went underground for a while. Really, number one, people didn't even know. People I assumed knew that I got sober and I thought they and my clients. And I kind of went underground for a while. Really? Number one,

people didn't even know people I assumed knew that I got sober and I thought they'd have judgment didn't even know because they're wrapped up in their own lives. Number two, they didn't care. And number three, most of them were proud of me. But, but it's that narrative that we tell ourselves that people are talking about us, but if we can just drop it because they're not. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's really funny. You'll like, you'll appreciate this. This one girl we had on, um, she called her ego, her drunk best friend. That's perfect. Definitely. Yeah. The ego is an interesting one, but I have read around the ideas. Like we can't get rid of it. We can help to dismantle it. And we can look at when we're making decisions.

Is my ego kind of at play here? Is it because, you know, I'm going to get validation and do that for this reason and we can just make a better decision? But we can't let it totally go away. We have to just befriend it. Yeah, yeah, I know. I agree. I'm checking mine all the time. It's also about motivation, right? Like what's my motivation for this decision?

And that's your, that's a lot of attachment to your ego. Absolutely. So are you doing this on zoom? Can anybody access your classes? Yeah. So not anything right now on zoom. I did have a homecoming program that I just wrapped up in December. Now that things are up and running in person, anything right now on zoom. I did have a homecoming program that I just wrapped up in December. Now that things are up and running in person, I'm really digging it because the connection is just unreal. And I've, I missed it so much. So currently right now, nothing going on zoom. That's like live. However, um, launching February 1st is my 12 day. I did a 12 day breath and fire challenge in December that was received super well. So what happens is every

day there is the three pillars of breath and fire is movement, meditation, and reflection. So moving your body in some way, creatively doing some meditation or breath work practice. So grounding, and then a journal prompt. So every day for 12 days, the participants in the challenge received that into their inbox, an audio file, a video file and a journal prompt. So that's going to be live on my website for purchase as of February 1st, the 12 day challenge. It's just a great way to start a commitment to yourself every day. And I take it away that those words, routine or ritual, I say commitment. So it's a daily commitment, not a daily routine. Why 12 days? I don't know. Well, I was picking off the 12 days of Christmas. Yeah.

Okay. I see myself adding more. Like they're probably, I just have 12 days to load up as of Feb one and it's all going to be ready. But in terms of coaching that is done over Zoom or phone calls. So that can be anywhere, you know, North America or international, I suppose. So one-on-one coaching and then any corporation or organization that would want to have their employees, you know, experience. I can come in person, travel. The themes in corporate

that I tend to do are burnout, being resistant to burnout or strategies to not get there. Authenticity. So stepping into your authentic self, which will get you yourself to know each yourself more so you can be a more effective part of a team and just also amazing amazing team builder for any any organization so moving together being together experiencing and you're in the Toronto area we call it the GTA greater Toronto area so Toronto is a huge spread yeah okay greater Toronto area yeah but I travel I go all over the place for my work yeah because I have I mean I have lots of listeners in Canada, you know, like it last night I had this participant of my Patreon circles and she goes to an awake therapist. I was like, Oh my God, that's amazing.

Where can I find a wake therapist? No kidding. That sounds great. No, it's in Canada too. I know. It's nice to have a coach or therapist that also understands addiction and recovery and what comes with that. So yeah, if anybody's interested in coaching that involves the body, like somatic practices for releasing trauma and moving life, that's, that's my jam.

That's my specialty. Yeah. Lately I've had, I've literally over just since Monday have had two people come to me and tell me they're in so much pain. They're, you know, doing all the things they've gone to the doctor. There's nothing wrong. This, this, and that. I'm like, yeah, it's an interesting, you need to honor your body from the inside out. Yeah. So I will definitely send them your way. That's the website, breathandfire.com or Instagram is a great place to see like, you know, dynamic, uh, what I've done, what I'm up to. And it's Michelle underscore

breath and fire. Awesome. Congratulations on your sobriety. Yeah. I mean, it's really hard. And, and so I just, I honor you for, for, for, you know, doing this and then also, you know, spreading that love, you know spreading that love you know with the world and with others I feel like I'm yeah if I found that glow again like I have it back and it did you know it feels really good and it's the it's the right kind of glow it's the part that I would fire part it's a good part and then I can't get enough of the calm so right and it's authentic right it's the eternal flame right that cannot be blown out so that's right the eternal flame

and now it's time for break that shit down what speaks to me what comes to me right away is uh never never being afraid of who your authentic self is. Cause even if we identify a certain way, like I never thought, like I wanted to always be an extrovert, the fun, outgoing, perceived party girl, energetic, bubbly, whatever that was. But that was like an old young, young version of myself. We have to also embrace our age. Like, you know, I'm approaching 50 and introverted, calm, you know, Zen 50 year old Michelle, that's a good Michelle. And so I think that, you know I'm approaching 50 and introverted calm you know zen 50 year old Michelle that's a good Michelle and so I think that you know we have to like really honor our our age and where we're at and not be afraid of change I think we're afraid of change I was stuck in my 20 I stuck

wanting in my 20 year old mindset wanting to still be that way so embracing age looking for authenticity and yeah just finding that flame and knowing that everyone's is different. So we're on our own journey. I love that you're embracing the crown, but I can't really embrace the fact that I was up all night last night from hot flashes. When it does come though, I mean, I've talked to so many women who say, instead of the resistance, like accept it, embrace it. Wisdom comes with this. True. I love that. I had a lot of masculine energy. So that really, I've done a lot of work in reading around that. So that power that, like that comes with the fire, right? The fiery,

powerful side of me and what I've also embraced in recovery in this Michelle 2.0 soft feminine side. Yes. Yes. Me too. Huge for me. So that, that, those are my final words. And don't look at the divine feminine and don't be afraid of the softness. I love it. You're beautiful. Thank you so much for coming on. I appreciate it. Thank you so much for coming on. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thanks for being with us today. We hope you will come back next week. If you like what you hear, don't forget to rate, like, and subscribe.

Thank you. We rise to lift you up. Thanks for listening.