Sense of Soul - Self Love and Shadow Work

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

Today with us is the beautiful soul Jenelle Annette. She is a Personal Coach who empowers woman to have conscious relationships, working on inner work and self love, so that they can have valuable skills and tools to integrate these teachings in all areas of their lives.  She shares how she found a deeper connection with herself in facilitated Woman Circles, where together women create a safe space of love, come together to be open, share, love and heal. Join us today as we talk about Self Love, being your most authentic self and we go in deep with some Shadow work! Follow @jenelleannette on Instagram and fb Here Secure Self Method program sign up! https://mailchi.mp/8df5a8386e78/secure-self-method-waitlist   ALSO CHECK OUT OUR NEW SELF LOVE WORKSHOP ONLY $22 through end of 2020! www.mysenseofsoul.com  

Welcome to the Sense of Soul podcast. We are your hosts, Shanna and Mandy. Grab your coffee, open your mind, heart and soul. It's time to awaken. Today with us, we have Janelle Annette. She joins us from Vancouver, Canada. She turned her pain into purpose and found her light. And now she helps women be in healthier relationships with themselves so that they can have healthier relationships with others. She believes that self-love is a valuable and vital tool, just like Mandy and I do. So we are super excited to be talking about one of our favorite topics with you, Janelle, today. Thank you so much for taking the time to

be with us. Welcome. How are you doing today? I'm doing so well. Thank you. How are you two doing? We are good. So tell us, how did you find yourself on this path? How did you become this beautiful light to women and to everyone around you? Well, it's been quite the journey. I suppose it started when I was quite unhappy living in the city I was. That was where I grew up. And I really just didn't feel like myself. I had been disconnected for quite a long time, struggled with a lot of mental health issue, a lot of anxiety, and just feeling kind of this flattened version of myself. And I realized that I wanted to make a big change and just start fresh and start anew. And I had visited Vancouver a few times

and really loved it. And so anyway, I decided to move out here and I've been here for four and a bit years now. And I went to a music festival where I actually met somebody who later became my best friend. We were very, very close. And she introduced me to a women's circle. I start off with the part where I just wasn't doing so well, because I think that's an important thing to note that

there was some level of darkness that I had to go through. And that was actually necessary for me in order to be pushed towards doing something somewhat drastic, just in my move and restarting and really recalibrating my life, which was the greatest thing ever. So I'm really grateful for those challenging years because it did lead me here. Yeah. And so then I got involved in this women's circle and we focused on shadow work, family systems work. And I just had these really beautiful mentors. They're still close to me today. And so that was really the birthplace of it. And I would participate in those circles for a few years. I was already in love with the work. And so I really just fell in

love with bringing it forward to other women and holding the space. And yeah, that's kind of where it all bloomed from. And I just continued following that path and, and training with other mentors too. And I'm kind of always learning and training and working with people to continue expanding my tool belt. Thank you so much for pointing out that, that you experienced, you know, pain to purpose, which the majority of us do. And I just want to, for myself and also for our listeners, for you to describe the women's circle.

Yeah. So women's circles can be very unique and different across the board. So the ones that I've been involved in, we do a lot of shadow work. So this is a lot about taking ownership of some of the uncomfortable parts of your mind, really having to speak those things out, do the scary things that you normally don't, everyday life. And that's what I love about it so much is it's a practice ground. And you're really actually being, you're brought into this safe space where you're being encouraged to share and you know that you're going to be well received, you know, you're going to be loved still. And then you can share these really deep parts of

yourself that you normally don't feel very comfortable sharing. And that actually transfers out into the day-to-day life. And it's also just like so beautiful and powerful when women come together. The wisdom that was like, it gets dropped in these circles is just insane. The level of support, you know, you have women that are, that are getting pregnant. You have women that are getting new jobs. You also have women that have lost their partner in an accident. You have women that are getting married. Like just the biggest array of life experiences you could ever think of from tragic to really amazing, life-changing moments. And you just get to witness this and live vicariously through these women, but also see how many similarities there are between you and all the women that are there.

And it really just solidifies this fact of like, we are not alone. We are so connected. That's so healing in itself, just to know that, you know, you're not the only one on that ride of that insecurity or that story or that judgment or whatever it is that, yeah, we are really connected. So Sense of Soul got started based on self-love. We believe everything starts with self-love. And on the side of our boutique truck, we even have that affirmations.

I am enough. I am loved. We believe that that is the foundation to all healing and to all problems you're faced with. So when you popped up in our email, we were really excited because that is exactly what you, you know, put across as your main message. That you have to connect and love yourself in order to build relationships outside that it starts with within. So that's why we're extremely excited to have you on today. And it's part of our mission to spread that, you know, even to little children that it starts at home with these children,

because none of us were taught to love ourselves. We were always taught to love outward. So thank you for being part of that message. Thank you for being part of that message as well. It's so needed. And, you know, it's funny, I kind of often think about these terms that we might have heard here and there, you know, like, just be you and just love yourself, you know, and so many people might say something like that without actually recognizing the significance about what goes into making that happen and how complex of a journey that can be. But it's, again, like you said, just the most important work because it's the foundation that we build everything on and we're relating to other people in the way that we relate to ourself.

So I really believe that healing so many issues really begins with helping people heal the internal issue that they have with themselves. And it just goes on from there. And Janelle, that's what I feel like is lacking in our world right now. And this probably is because of generations before, you know, especially with women, we've really struggled to understand self-love because it wasn't taught to us. So then we had a hard time teaching that to our children because we weren't demonstrating that. And so, but now I feel like people and women especially are coming into their own and we want to teach that to our children by demonstrating that.

When you grew up, did you grow up in an atmosphere that was demonstrating that? How did you figure out self-love? Was it taught to you as a child or is this something that you had discovered within? It was not taught. I mean, of course, that's said with love and compassion and I have a lot of respect and love toward my parents. They did a fantastic job with what they were given, but to really understand what it meant to love myself was a very long journey because I actually came from really severe self-rejection. Like I was really, that was where obviously a lot of my suffering, I think that kind of applies to a lot of situations, but that was where a lot of my, my suffering and going through dark

time came from. So it was quite a very extensive journey to come into that. And I used to look very different, which I'm not saying that necessarily appearance dictates this, but just in the way that I would like bleach my hair and I would just try to look so different. And so now people see me and they're like, who are you and what happened? And you don't even look like the same person. And it's just been this, this wild transformation for me, which is why I'm so passionate because I didn't, it wasn't something that I just intuitively knew how to do. I had to figure it out. And I have a daily gratitude practice and I think I hadn't maybe cried tears of gratitude or happiness my entire life until the last like couple years.

And now I do almost every single morning because I'm just so grateful to like feel the way I feel every day. Even when, you know, shit is going poorly. I'm like, I'm good. I'm stable and strong. I have so much love for myself and so much love in my life and support that I'm like, I'm good. I'm stable and strong. I have so much love for myself and so much love in my life and support that I'm like, I feel rock solid. And that's the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. And that I could ever share with other women because

it's night and day going from this self-rejection to the self-acceptance. And yes, I used to tell Mandy, I used to say this when I was first like discovering self-love, I used to say, oh my God, I feel so free. I feel so free. I just felt so free to be able to choose myself. I wish I never thought was an option. I never even thought of that and I didn't feel bad about it. And it just felt so free. I see a lot of, I mean, it's, this is I'm sure amongst men too, but I just work with women. So I'll speak to with women, but I see a lot of women that really have this mentality of being givers and always choosing other people and putting themselves last. And, you know,

there's a lot of different places that that could stem from. But ultimately having them recognize that they can prioritize themselves and that the people that are meant to be in their life will just stay when they do. Like, you know what I mean? It's this fear that I'm going to lose love if I don't show up as this over giver. And it's like, actually the people that are meant to be in your life that aren't just trying to get things from you are going to be the ones that stay. And they're going to be so happy that you prioritize yourself. Yeah. I have friends, my friends and I will like set hard boundaries with each other all the time. We're like, no, don't want to hang out with you today. I just want to be with myself. Sorry. Can I cancel tonight's plan? I just need to like, I need to have some me time. And every time we're like, okay. And if stuff comes up, we just deal with it and we take on our own energy and we just

honor each other for the boundaries. And that's been powerful too. So, yeah. You know, I love that you brought that up and you, you answered a hard question that I was going to ask and that people have been asking me and something I've been experiencing myself. And that is when you do put yourself first, especially in a marriage where you've been codependent in the past and been very needy of each other. When you do put yourself first, it really does shift your marriage. And I find that a lot of women are struggling with this because their husbands start to feel like they're not being respected or that they're being ignored when really that's not it at all. So, yes, you can authentically try to explain to them. No, it's just I have to love myself and do some work on myself. But it's been a hard struggle. So I

love that you said that because you're right. If, if they are meant to be in your life, then they're going to see what you're doing for yourself and respect it. That's huge. And if they're not meant to be, and they don't respect it, then you know that they're not aligned with your soul work. Yeah. And relationship can be a tricky dynamic too. If people have been playing out one kind of dance for so long, right. They've been engaging in the same things. And then suddenly one person is like, I'm going to shift the way I'm being in order to care for myself more and stop being this giver. Then of course it can like trigger a lot of wounds and a lot of stuff for the other party. And that's where I think in those kinds of shifts, there's a lot of communication and openness that can take place. Like if you were in that position where you were now setting these new boundaries and prioritizing yourself,

you can do so, but really what can be helpful is explaining why are you doing that? What is it doing for you? And, you know, really taking it always back to yourself. So you could lead this conversation like, Hey, I just noticed that I'm feeling like some resentments have been building up because I feel like I'm always doing things for you, but I'm taking ownership of the fact that I choose to do this and I don't put myself first and this is not on you. I just need to take more action to care for myself and whatever, do X, Y, Z so that I can feel more calm or regulated or whatever. I can show up more fully for our marriage or relationship or whatever. How does that feel for you? And I think leading with those

kinds of conversations that the other person doesn't feel like, oh, no, are they abandoning me? Are they pulling away? And because they're going to make all their own meanings out of it. And then hopefully they can either see that, respect that and love that and work with you and this new dance and this new way of being. Or if they can't respect your boundaries and what's needed for you, then of course, that's kind of your telltale sign that maybe it's not the best. I love that you said that. And I love that you

actually gave it words and gave people something to actually see that it is possible to say those things. Cause it's hard to come up with the words. It's hard. You know, everyone has a, well, most people have women, especially have a hard time saying no. And so then depending on who it is, too. You don't want to come up with excuses, which I do, I still do, I'm guilty of. And, you know, but it's so much better to be able to just be truthful, and demonstrate that everyone deserves that time for themselves in that respect. But one thing you have to have is awareness during those moments, because otherwise, if you're not aware, you could just get tongue tied and lost in some excuses or doing stuff that you really don't want to do because you didn't

really sit with it before you gave your answer yeah so how important is it to be conscious in your relationships which is something that you talk a lot about in your writings online sorry is it loud in the background do you have a ufo that just landed on your roof? Um, no. It's just a person with like a loud leaf blower and they're walking away. So sorry. Dana's the queen of editing out noises.

I don't know about leaf blowers. So you talk a lot about conscious relationships. That conscious relationships start with awareness and listening and really hearing and being able to pause to make those decisions and form those words to be able to answer and tell somebody, you know. Yeah. I mean, it's quite a process and there's, there's a lot of elements to it. I think one big thing is if you were going to have a conversation like that, of course, if it's something that you don't normally do, if you're, you know, you think that in order to be loved, I have to show up and I have to overgive. So to come back from that, we have to also recognize it's going to be really scary for your nervous system and for all the belief systems that have told you for so many years

be this way in order to be loved. So that can actually threaten your sense of, am I going to be maybe left behind? Am I going to be loved? So there's, there's so much complexity to something like that. Oh yeah. And how the other person's going to receive it because they're used to you being that yes girl. Yeah, exactly. So in order to do it, cause if, let's say if we'd never dealt with it, it's probably going to bubble up. There's gonna be all this resentment of like, man, I'm doing all these things, but I never spoke it out. And then it might come out as like

a blow up one day and that's not going to be received well either. So that's why this communication work is so important. Alongside just prioritizing yourself, because obviously that's important too. But the deeper part is addressing that part of you that is really afraid. Okay. So let's say you were going to have this conversation. Maybe you get really uncomfortable or maybe you think you're going to have it. And then you keep feeling stuck or not able to, or you freeze up or whatever. Then instead of just saying, oh, I can't do this. It's let's get to the underlying fear of what's really going on here. You know, is it a part of you that is afraid to lose love and how can you show up for yourself and encourage yourself and, you know, make yourself feel

more secure and stable so that you can actually approach that conversation from this more secure place? And a lot of that's also just being able to regulate your emotions well, you know, being able to self-soothe. So just creating more safety in your body so that you, again, just can feel at least grounded or stable enough to go into something like that. Because if you're really not ready, you might try and it just might freeze up or you might not be able to set the boundaries or whatever. So just really understanding what's the underlying fear, what's really going on

there underneath it all and having body-based practices to help soothe your nervous system before going into a scary combo like that. And to some people, they might be like, that doesn't sound scary. But again, if that's something you've been doing your whole life, the people pleasing, setting a boundary to say, I can't do that anymore. And here's why it can be like terrifying. Yeah. You know, what's really interesting as I was just thinking about when you said that is that we can get too much in our head thinking, what do I say? How do I say it? When maybe you need to ground yourself first and bring your attention to your body and kind of get out of your head rather than get stuck in all of the crazy thoughts that might pop up. You're absolutely amazing on your Instagram of not only posting beautiful things,

but then giving very tangible things for people to take away from it. Like give them things to journal to get them thinking about things. I love that about your Instagram. I highly recommend our listeners go on every day. It's like you're teaching a beautiful lesson. A lot of people really struggle with the difference between a boundary and a wall. Can you give a tangible example like you do on your Instagram of this is what a wall would look like if you were to say something and this is what a loving boundary would

sound like? Yeah. So I talk about this quite a bit in my program. Boundaries are now this like buzzword that I think a lot of people are speaking to. And I think it can be misinterpreted, you know, set a boundary. They'll let them do that. Or, you know, they're being an asshole set about sometimes it's us just being triggered or heard something being activated within us. That's now saying, I don't want to let this person in. Therefore, I'm going to shut them out. And that feels like a boundary. So

that would be more like a wall. Loving boundaries would be more what I was kind of explaining before. So I guess I'll just give an example so that it's a bit more clear, but we just want to check in. Like sometimes creating this like separation can be something that is aimed to keep you safe from other people to not let people fully in, which would be more wall boundary being more. This is for me. Here's why it can also be flexible. Sometimes you you'll have, especially in a partnership, two people might have different boundaries and you might have to move them around a little bit to meet in the middle and that's okay. So an example, I'm going to say in a relationship between a more of a wall and a heart centered boundary, a wall would be more like, I don't like it when you go out really late. It annoys me.

It's irresponsible. Stop doing that. Or I'm going to leave. Okay. That would be like a wall. So, I mean, the reason that that would be more of a wall, it's still, you're still speaking to a need and it's okay to communicate about these things to a partner, of course, because that impacts you, but is more saying, I don't like how you do this. I'm not, I'm not going to take responsibility towards why I feel so triggered by it. I just don't like it when you do that. Stop doing that because I don't, I don't want to feel this discomfort when you do it. Right. So there might actually be a bit of you not looking at the fact that like, what is about it? Is it so triggering? What fears are coming up? Are you scared that they're, you know, having more fun with other people,

that they don't care about you anymore? So that's like failing to look at the underlying reason, right? And you're also telling people, I don't like it when you do this. Be different for me, basically, or else. Whereas a loving boundary, you know, would sound more like, hey, I notice when you come home really late, it kind of interrupts my sleep and I don't know, causes some kind of disturbance in the time or something, you know, not necessarily saying come home at this time, but we could, what I'm really

wanting is maybe some more quality time with you and not to get my sleep interrupted. So, you know, how can we make this work for both of us? And from that place, you're explaining why it's important. You're being open and willing to meet that person more in the middle. You're explaining why it's important you're being open and willing to meet that person more in the middle. You're explaining why it was important to you, right? Like my sleep was getting disrupted and I'm feeling a bit, you know, I was feeling a bit disconnected and yeah. Or maybe another example of like a loving boundary with like a family member, let's say would be like, hey, or a friend that maybe comes and dumps all their stuff on you all the time emotionally. Hey, I don't actually have the space to listen to this

today. I have a lot going on for me and, you know, I love you and I support you, but I just can't, I can't listen today. You know, something like that. That happens a lot to me. And, you know, I've learned to do that. And, you know, I've had friends drop off because they don't want to only be heard, you know, every once in a while, you know, they're used to every single day or whatever, you you have to do what's best for you in your life. And who knows, maybe down the road, you can rekindle those relationships. I think I've done that as well. Yeah. But sometimes it can be a lonely place when you start to do that, because I really was that yes person and Mandy too. And they say you're either a person with few good friends or a million acquaintances you know I love that you have friends that respect your boundaries that's amazing because I think that's really hard for people I see even my kids who are your age and

even with my friends sometimes it's like you know there's just these expectations of you know I need help and I need help now yeah yeah sometimes that can come from people not having their own ability to self-regulate and self-soothe they might just need that from people and it's very true I think that I don't remember who said this quote but I remember reading something that I really liked and it's elevation creates separation. And there is this like this distancing that can happen. And sometimes it can be really startling when you do this work because it can feel like you don't understand anyone anymore. You don't fit in and people don't respect your boundaries. And then it's like, yeah, what were my friendships really? What were my relationships?

Right. Were they attachments? Right. Because we don't, you know, that's one thing I know I talk about it a lot, like impermanence and not being attached to people because we do. But the thing is, is that energy should be exchanged. You know, you keep yours. I'll keep mine.

There shouldn't be those cords. And I know as an energy worker, that is huge with most people. I mean, you have cords that are literally holding you down, weighing you down, causing pain and cords that you probably don't even know exist that are so old. Yeah. Janelle, you had a quote on your Instagram that I loved and it really had me reflecting back to how I used to be. And it is, it is a great disservice to hide who you truly are in an attempt to be agreeable. The world needs your fullness of being. I freaking love that because I used to completely do that. I would let people actually disrespect me just to avoid

confrontation and to be agreeable. And I find even when I'm making boundaries, sometimes I won't make them very clear and I'll even back away from them to be agreeable. So can you just talk about that quote and the importance of it for a moment? Yeah, it's like the most liberating thing ever to be in that place. And of course, again, it's always a journey and there's going to be struggle in getting to that place. But I just see this as something that so many people can resonate with. And it's because we have learned to be a certain way in order to be loved. So it all kind of boils down to this fear of losing love and this fear of, you know, being alone, these really deep core wounds that sit in the deepest level of our psyche that are being challenged when we do try to prioritize ourself, because it, again, it awakens all these fears and some of them are quite primitive,

right? In order to survive, you had to, you know, be a certain way and fit in with the pack and like all these things. So it's a lot to decondition, but when you are really stepping into who you are, and again, you are prioritizing yourself and you're just speaking your truth. It's the most magnetic thing ever. And of course with a magnet, it's polarizing. So some things will, some people are going to be repelled like, oh no, I don't agree with that. I don't like that. Whatever. Those aren't your people again. But the people that are really meant to jive with you are going to be so damn attracted to you, right? I don't mean just like physically they are attracted to you, but there's drawn in. And I think most people could resonate with knowing somebody that's just really authentic

and really them and that just being such a beautiful quality. And people want to be around that. People want to be around people that are true. You're not guessing anymore. If you're with somebody that's totally authentic in them, it's like, who it can be uncomfortable if you're not used to that. And that's kind of a separate conversation. But I'm very uncomfortable being around people who aren't authentic now. Like who, it can be uncomfortable if you're not used to that. And that's kind of a separate conversation, but.

I'm very uncomfortable being around people who aren't authentic now. That's like, I can't do it. Mandy's talked about it too. It's very uncomfortable. That part too. When you become, you know, your own authentic self, it's like you see in everybody else right through their inauthenticity. This guessing game.

Like what's really going on for this person? Who are they? And it's like, there's this disconnect. Like I can't actually get in because you're not showing up as you are. So there's this disconnection that happens. So when we're not actually showing up as who we are in our fullness, we're actually somewhat like sounds intense, but robbing people of the experience of really getting to know us. We're still putting on a mask. We're still pretending to be somebody different. And how can you connect with other people if you're doing that? Because it's not even you. Right. Can I please tell a story? Yeah, please. When I first started dating Jamie, Kinsley's dad, I had Mandy make a fricking dinner for him.

Remember when I had you making some pork chops? I totally faked him out. He thought I could fucking cook and now he does all the cooking. But I mean, I've known him since second grade. So, but it was just, it's just funny though. You know, people do, they think I have to show people my best self that I, that I want to be, but so many people think that they have to be this perfect person. And then they create this person, which you can create that person, but that's not really truly who you are. And so then, gosh, you're totally robbing, not only yourself and everybody else, you know, of who you really are. Ah, it's crazy. Thought I made pork chops. I mean, Mandy's pork chops were way better than mine. Mine are dry.

I wanted to add in though, that when I am around people that are being inauthentic and I can see through it, I need to remember to have compassion and love for them because when I was being inauthentic, I didn't even freaking know it because I haven't had time to even get to know myself yet. And I was so disconnected from my soul and my emotions. I didn't know who I was. So I really, don't you agree, Janelle? You have to still have compassion for them. That doesn't mean you have to surround yourself for them, but you have to respect their journey.

Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, of course, like I'm always all about love, compassion and understanding. I don't actually think holding any kind of like resentment or judgment. And if we were judging somebody like that, there's often a reflection that they have for us. So if you were judging somebody for being really inauthentic, you know, that might be representing, oh, what parts of me still have a hard time being inauthentic that I'm not accepting that I struggle with, right? There's always a reflection there. Learning about yourself through your judgments of others. So I think a big part of this in the beginning of this work is by being able to listen to your judgments of other people, because there's always a reflection

there. And, you know, I don't think there's an expectation that this just magically goes away. But every time I do have a judgment, although I do have a lot less now than I would have in the past, I have to immediately go, OK, what is this showing me about myself? How do I see myself in this person? And how am I still rejecting myself for this quality? And it can be a little bit complicated to figure out sometimes. But at the beginning it was more, and now it's like instant. Like I know, oh yeah, I do that in this way and I struggle with it. Okay, cool. So it's this constant learning about where more self-acceptance is needed based on the way that you judge other people, because everyone's

just a reflection of you. It's kind of a weird concept, but when it really lands, it makes a lot of sense in that you've only lived in your own world of perception. So therefore, this is your whole makeup of your world is your experience. Therefore, everyone is reflecting some version of your experience to you. This is kind of like a trippy concept, but it's very real. And having compassion to people that struggle with their authenticity fully. And of course, there's still moments where I'm sure I don't speak my exact thoughts and it's still struggle for me in certain aspects. And it just means there's more love and acceptance that's needed towards that part of me. But I mean, I have friends that I definitely would say aren't fully

connected to their authenticity and I still love them dearly and want to be around them and have a lot of compassion because I know what it feels like to feel disconnected from who I am and to not know based on trying to fit into a mold that I think that everyone wants me to be. So compassion, understanding is always the way. And I think I'm able to have that compassion because I have so much more compassion for myself. So it really is this as within, so without as that quote is. And it's so true when you really start to see the, the direct reflection of your perceptions, I guess you could say. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think that if we were taught to seek the love and happiness within ourselves first. So therefore we wouldn't see as much of ourselves and other people, because if you were, you know, if you had the foundation of that,

Well, you would see the love in other people. Right. Right. But it wouldn't be the judgments. It wouldn't be an issue. I just, I'm trying to figure out how we could just eliminate all of the shit and just start over. Okay. Let's just start over with just baby infant minds and just do it right. Yeah. That's shadow work. That's watching your mind, being able to be a witness to it. And it's not with judgment. It's like, let's say I had a judgment of somebody. And then sometimes I'm like, Ooh, I do that too. It can feel a little bit like kind of dirty and like, but it's like, that's the whole point is like, it's not meant to just be

some shameful thing where you're like, ah, shit, I do that too. Boo. It's like, oh, okay. I do that too. And that part of me just needs a little bit more love. I'm feeling some shame over the fact that I had to own that judgment. Okay. Let's work with that because we don't want to hold on to shame. So that part of me that does that judgment or that, so let's, I'm just going to use an example. It's easier. Let's say somebody was being rude to their mom. I don't know. And you were judging them like, oh, you're so rude. How can you talk to your mom like that? It's terrible. And then you go, ooh, sometimes I do that to my mom. Ooh, okay. Like I'm holding some like little, that doesn't feel good to own. Then to work with that is going, okay, well, why am I like that to my mom? Why do I have that way of being? Oh, it's because she represents this, or maybe I'm still holding onto some anger. Okay. So now I

know what I need to do. I need to try to release that anger and maybe see my mom more compassionately as love so that I can actually shift that within myself. And then I will no longer have that judgment as much to others. So it's just a lesson. It's not like you're bad because you have judgments and they reflect you. It's like just data to work with. Yeah. So next time you have a judgment for someone else, stop, pause, and have some awareness of where that judgment might come from within yourself. Yeah. And sometimes people get a little bit tripped up because they're like, oh, well, it might not be a direct reflection. Like, let's say you were judging somebody who was really like confident

and took up a lot of space in a room was kind of loud and funny. You might be judging them, but you might be a total kind of more introverted, like really repressed. I have a hard time speaking up. So you're like, that doesn't apply to me, but it can also show there's a part of you that feels repressed. So maybe your version of you that's confident and loud and funny and silly, maybe that was shut down when you were a kid, like stop doing that, quiet down, be less. So you're now have learned to be this like, really like more repressed, small human. And, and then that you're judging that person because you have that part of you and you, but you've been told it's not okay. And that's why you keep yourself small. So then the work is, oh, I need to work more on loving and accepting this part of myself that is confident and loud and takes up a lot of space so that that can naturally come out. Wow. That's an awesome point. I love that. Another one of your posts that I loved that was cute is self-care is more than bubble baths and naps. It's also monitoring your inner narrative to

ensure you are making decisions that raise you up. Want to know what it's okay to start out with bubble baths and naps. I love bubble baths and naps. Yeah. Oh yeah. Do that. Do naps and bubble baths. You mentioning that inner narrative is really important. What is some tangible ways that people can monitor their inner narrative? Yeah. So I think it's, it's a combo. It's a constant commitment to listening and awareness. Obviously meditation is a really valuable practice in terms of getting more aware of how to create that separation between like the observer and the mind and all the thoughts. So I think meditation is a tool that everyone should really utilize

to do that. And then of course it's in your day-to-day life. Especially it can be easier to start with when you're having like emotional reactions. So if you're getting activated about something, there's data there for you. Okay. What's really going on here? What is the fear when you're making up a story in your head so let's say you see somebody and you feel like they're like kind of shuffling you off or something or they didn't have time to talk you might go into this whole narrative of like oh it's because I said this and they don't they didn't like my shirt I think I'm weird or it's because I did this thing five years ago and then we just create all this crazy shit in our head. So being able to dismantle that

and not get wrapped up in the thing, like almost speak it out loud. Like it's kind of ridiculous, the stories we make up and then using judgment work too. So shadow work in terms of noticing, oh, I made a judgment. Okay. What's this? So it's this constant reflection, but using things like activation moments where you're, you're feeling feeling triggered or or upset when you're having judgments and when you're creating stories those are really good pillars to move through with awareness one of the steps i was reading that you shared with us was how to remain connected during conflict is that is that just kind of just being more present and mindful and listening and you know sometimes even breathing, sometimes protecting.

I know that for myself, those are two things that I do deciphering. Is this mine or is this theirs? And then once I realized it's not, it's all about protecting me, whether it's an unfuckable bubble, whatever you've got to do. Yeah. So holding space again, I think there's a lot of these terms that have going up and there's, there's actually a lot to holding space., I think there's a lot of these terms that have going up and there's, there's actually a lot to holding space. And the element of that is that you can listen to somebody openly, presently, wholeheartedly. You're not immediately making it mean something about you. You're not taking it on as yours. And if you do get activated and upset, then again, there's some data for you to look at, but you're not making it actually mean anything that's like fully real about who you are. Right. So if somebody's coming through

and they're really angry and conflict, and they're kind of projecting things at you, if you're actually able to say, okay, I know that this fully isn't mine. And if I get activated in a moment, maybe some of it is mine and I have to look at that, but to really hold spaces to be present. So staying connected to your body, not like watching your thoughts for just going, Oh, I just can't wait to get my turn in. So I can say what I want to say. It's like, let's listen to this person. What's really going on for them. And, and just, and just being able to hear them with like love and compassion and then to meet them, like, okay, I hear that you're feeling really angry right now. And dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. If you need to set a boundary from that space, cause you're feeling too, you activate, you can, you

can be like, I just, Hey, I hear that you're feeling really hurt right now. Um, I think I'm just going to need about 20 minutes of like some solo space before I feel ready to engage in this conversation further. I'm just going to go do that. And then I'm going to come get you in 20 minutes or whatever. Right. So you might need to do some regulations and body based practices to remain connected. But the biggest thing also in space holding is that you can be attuned to your body. So almost in like a meditative state with your body and just listen to your body too. If somebody, if they say something and you feel like a spike of energy, it's like, Ooh, what's that? Okay. There's something in there for me that needs to be looked at. So anyway, it's this constant.

It's amazing. I can't believe you, you know, this, I mean, it's seriously the most amazing thing. And I think it's with relationships and for yourself, it's like, it's that's fucking everything. I mean, congratulations girl. There was one thing you put on your Instagram that we have never been presented with on a podcast. And we've had a lot of guests and I've actually never stopped in my life to think about what you had me pondering on all of last night. And I want to thank you for it. And it actually got me very emotional. And I, I journaled about it, but you talked about how we don't often think to examine our vital belief system. And you had me thinking about what, what is my belief system around men? And what is my

belief system around women and how important it is to understand those. And then the part that really got me was about how this could affect my children. The belief system that I'm carrying can affect my children and they can grow up thinking that my ideas of what a man is like is what they're going to carry. Of course, you put it out there so beautifully. And then you gave some very hard questions for people to answer. Like for me, you asked around women, I feel blank. And I put around women, I feel judged. And then around men, I feel blank. And I put around men, I feel unseen. So I feel like they don't see my soul. They see like my physical. So I really journaled on this last night because I, I really need to take a look at this because I'm telling

you right now, based on my ideas and what I've been through in my life, my daughter's probably going to grow up a freaking man hater. Because I have verbally expressed a lot of times that I have a lot of anger towards men because of relationships I've been into. So I really appreciated this shadow work that you had me doing. And it's, again, it's something we've never talked about. So thank you for that. And, you know, you can just run with that if you'd like,

because I think it needs to be addressed. Yeah. I just want to say thank you for taking the time to do that. It like is, it just feels really good to know that people are, you know, using those prompts because I really want to make this work accessible and come from service and just create as much free content as I can. So thank you for taking the time. Our brains are always kind of looking to validate our belief systems. So we're looking to find meaning from everything. We're meaning making machines. I don't know who said that originally, not me, but there's some, some person that said that. If you have a belief system that all men are assholes and they just want one thing, you're going to be constantly looking for evidence of that.

You're probably going to be drawn to men that actually validate that belief. So first of all, you're going to be looking for those men. So you're going to find the men that really maybe are just looking for one thing and you go, ah, see, I was right. They're all the same. This always happens to me. And so we're in these patterns and that's why it's so important to stop, evaluate our belief systems to understand how are we actually calling this in? How are we actually attracted to these people that are going to validate these painful stories? And we keep ourselves stuck in these painful cycles when there actually are really amazing, caring,

sensitive, connected men. But if that's just not been in your reality, you know, you're not going to find that. And you could even meet somebody that's, let's say is a bit more sensitive or connected or, or, you know, is a good person or a good match for you, but you're probably going to continue looking for evidence that they're an asshole and they just want one thing because that's what you know. That's how you know to how to keep yourself safe from that. That's what you are. You're used to engaging. So you just repeat these cycles and you'll find that in everybody and you'll be stuck in that cycle. My cousin, the other day he posted this, it was like a joke, but it was a sweatshirt and it said real women love assholes and like he thought it was great all these women

comments how much they loved it and I was just like oh god you know and actually put a comment out there I said well then you won't find anyone today because you're not really an asshole that's just your shadow self but it's not a joke people sad there's kind of that the whole conversation around women being more attracted to men that treat them that way. And, you know, nice guys finish last and things like that. And we really have to rework some of those narratives. You can be with somebody that's respectable and kind and treats you well, and is still, you know, connected to their strength and is still grounded and, you know, hold some of those more like strong characteristics that you might be drawn to. But it really does just go into that,

that one quote, which is so true, which is we accept the love we think we deserve, especially if you have had a lot of trauma with men and that's the way in which you believe that you deserve to be treated, or that's the way you believe love looks maybe to you love looks like not being having a lot somebody be really explosive towards you or whatever if there was something modeled for you early in childhood or whatever that may be again that's what that's what love is even if it's dysfunctional and chaotic all right well now I feel like I'm in a therapy session because I just had a memory just pop in my head it's so fucked up but after I got divorced and I was starting over and I was dating here and there, do you know, I can tell you right

now, I told people, you are just too good for me. You are just too nice and sweet. You are just too good. I remember one of them telling me you said that. Yeah. That almost makes me want to cry. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. It's really crazy. Yeah. It's intense to sit with that. Yeah. That almost makes someone cry. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. It's really crazy. Yeah. It's intense to sit with that. Let that part of you feel that because there's obviously still a lot built up there that, you know, is looking to be released. Yeah. Yeah. It's also so happy that you've evolved from that Shanna. Letting yourself feel that part of that still feels that sadness, you know, over whatever it is that that brings up letting yourself feel that part of that still feels that sadness you know over whatever it is that that brings up like if it's shedding that version of you that

doesn't feel like it is there's always grief whenever we're moving through something onto something better important to like honor that that's what I love about you is that I go on your Instagram and you've got you've got my my mind going, you know, you got, I mean, it was your voice just did for Shanna, you know, and so we can tell this is your gift. You help people get in touch with things they need to heal. And that's what your Instagram does for me. Cause you give these tangible things that I can journal and ponder on that I would have never realized I needed to. So again, I know I said it before, but thank you. We do at the end of each episode of Break That Shit Down, what would you say to somebody to encourage them? And now it's time for Break That Shit Down. Your needs matter. The right people will respect your needs and be encouraging of you to meet that.

Every emotion has a lesson in it. Be willing to see life and hard experiences as a teacher and as a gift so that you can move forward into the next stage and the next evolution of your life. Utilizing this way of, I see life as a teacher. I am empowered by my challenges rather than I'm disempowered and victim to whatever might happen. I can learn from my hard experiences and it can

actually bring me into greater love and joy from being able to participate and listen. I wish I would have treated myself as good as you treat yourself at your age. I have a lot of apologies. I'm admiring you in that way. I think it's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Yeah. That can come with some grief, right? Like, wow, I didn't do that for myself. And that's been painful. It's a really hurtful to be in self-rejection. And the sad thing is that so many people are every day and it's deeply painful to look at and yeah there's there's a grief in that you know and I just yeah I just want that for everybody because it's it's so valuable and I it's it's never too late like even doing this now doing this for yourself now here today is

something that so many people have never done or never had the, you know, privilege of getting to learn about this work and do this because they might just be in survival mode. I mean, some people can't ever get out of that survival mode and they can't take a moment to look at themselves and process their trauma and do all these things. So to be here able to do this now and to step more into self-love in this present moment is, is a gift and is incredible work that you're doing. And, and you know we're all doing here so yeah yeah it's just the most vital thing in the world yeah it really truly is mandy i talk about in almost every single episode we talk about aliens and we'll still be like but you have to But love yourself where the aliens will probe you. Oh my gosh.

How can people learn more from you? Where can they find you? Yeah, so I do most of those announcements on my Instagram, which is at my name, Janelle Annette. I do a group coaching program. We're currently closed for enrollment, but we'll be opening again in January, 2021. And if you want to get on the wait list, you can go to my Instagram and click my, the link in my bio and sign up. And if you get on the wait list, you'll get early access to enrollment. So that's kind of the way to find it and to get more information about the program as well. So you'll get, you'll get information when you go on the wait list. And it's a nine-week group coaching program

where we move through different modules and different topics. We do a lot of processing work to help you get more in touch with your deeper core wounds, your belief systems, withheld emotions. And of course, it's a really safe container for you to actually practice all these tools

so that you can take it out into your day-to-day life. It's just for women. I just work with women strictly at the moment. If you're curious, if you're listening and you just want to learn more, send me a message. I'm happy to talk more about it. Or again, you can just put your name on the wait list and you'll just get early access and more information when the time is open to sign up. You're amazing. Thank you so much for today. Not only are your words so wise, but your presence is too. You're just, I can tell you're an amazing listener. You're authentic. You, you just created an amazing space and you, and you can tell you care and that you're coming from a loving space. So thank you for that too. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. I really,

I mean, right now I literally want to get off my phone and send a text to like 50 people I know and send them to your January nine week class because you're very inspiring. Thank you. That like means the world to me. Thank you so much. Thank you for seeing me. And I just also want to honor both of yours authenticity as well. Like from your, your humor and just being in the moment, I never felt like this was like calculated or structured or like hefty. I love the moments of vulnerability. It just leave me feeling so connected to both of you. So thank you for being so courageous in being vulnerable and speaking, you know, real struggles from your life and

showing emotions like, wow, I couldn't have asked to have a better conversation this morning. So real and yeah. So thank you for co-creating this conversation with me. And we're here to support your cause and your message and your love. Thank you so much.

Yep, and when you write that best-selling book, we'll have you back on because you should. Thank you so much. Thank you for your encouragement your support thanks for being with us today we hope you will come back next week if you like what you hear don't forget to rate like and subscribe thank you we rise to lift you up thanks for listening