Sense of Soul - Spiritual Wisdom from an Autistic Child

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

Today is one of our all time favorite episodes. We had the beautiful soul, an Autism Mom Coach and founder of Moms Spectrum Oasis Heidi Rome, she is an internationally recognized expert on the autism journey for mothers.  She is the author of the beautiful book, You Just Have to Love Me: Mothering Instructions from My Autistic Child, which became the #1 New Release bestseller in multiple categories on Amazon before it was even released. This is an amazing story, about  the many profound conversations with her nonverbal son Ethan. Where Ethan, then eleven years old, described by typing his own experience of his autism as a spiritual journey. www.heidirome.com www.MomsSpectrumOasis.com Please show your love by giving us 5 stars and a review! Thank you! www.mysenseofsoul.com

Welcome to the Sense of Soul podcast. We are your hosts, Shanna and Mandy. Grab your coffee, open your mind, heart and soul. It's time to awaken. Today we have with us the autism mom coach and founder of Mom Spectrum Oasis, Heidi Rome. She is an internationally recognized expert on the autism journey for mothers. She's the author of the book, You Just Have to Love Me, Mothering Instructions from My Autistic Child, which became the number one released bestseller in multiple categories on Amazon even before it was released. This amazing story about the many profound conversations with her non-verbal son, Ethan, then 11 years old, described by typing his own experience of autism as a spiritual journey. This is so close to my heart because I too have a son with autism. His name is Ethan.

And when her friend and fellow podcaster, Alicia Myronic had told me Heidi and Ethan's story, I knew I immediately had to meet her and read her book. And we did talk forever. And I'm so excited to now share her book and story with all of you. Heidi, thank you so much for being with us. Shannon, thank you so much for having me. It is such a delight and honor to be here with you both today. Thank you. You know, when you and I were talking on the phone, our first meeting, we talked about how before we had our Ethans, what expectations we had of children and being a mother looked like. Can you talk about who you were before Ethan came into your life? Oh, yeah. I was living into the script I had already written

for my life. I had one typical son and I had the career and we were living in New York and it was just the trajectory. There had been a few little glitches on the way. You know, I was a late single. I didn't marry until I was in my forties and have children in my forties. So there was a delay in that, you know, what I had anticipated, but I thought, okay, I'm back on track, you know, got in under the wire, had the kids, you know, seem to be moving forward. And then my wonderful son, Ethan, was born. Changed that trajectory in every direction. Isn't it funny how we always think that we can plan our lives out and then God is like, wait a minute, I got a different plan for you. Well, Mandy, do you know there's actually a Yiddish proverb, man plans and God laughs. I'm sure he does. I'll never forget when I was in,

I had to go to rehab for my addiction. And while I was there, they said, yeah, you've been trying to fly that plane your whole life. It's time for you to let go of that steering wheel. And I said, well, can I, can I at least be a co-pilot? Surrendering to God's plan is, it's a hard thing. You've actually just jumped right in and anticipated the heart of the book because every human journey is so much about what can I control and what can I control and let me make sure that the effort I'm putting forth is on something I can. So that really is what it's all about and that discernment is at the heart of whether we're going to be joyful or fearful in this life. Yeah. And it is fearful now. So like myself, Ethan was not my first child. Had he been my first child, maybe I wouldn't have, I don't know,

had so many judgments prior because it they do teach you so much Ethan was my third child so I saw my first children who had hit all those milestones and we celebrated all those and it was like oh I'm doing good at this mothering thing right and then here comes Ethan and he's not hitting those milestones and I just kind of knew right away was this something that happened to you too? Did you notice right away or what does that look like? Yes, I had the typical kid first. Eric, my first guy, was very engaging and with the eye contact.

I think virtually from the moment he came home, he was one of those, what's going on? And Ethan was not engaging. And for me, the most obvious thing that was different very early was that he was silent. He was just a silent baby. He rarely cried. And then eventually he was not babbling, you know, the way babies will you know they're playing with sound and Ethan did not do that and that was like startling to me to have this silent baby so that was the beginning of maybe you know not that I really was going to look at that but it was one of the first signs of this might not be the usual thing. You know what? My Ethan's same.

So I was like, man, I got this in the bag now, right? I was like, I'm so good at mothering with my third son. He never cries. You have full credit for that. Yes. Yeah. That was the first thought. And then I was like, wait a minute.

But he doesn't even cry to tell me he's hungry, you know right which that was something that's when I started to notice when I was like gosh it's missing here that he doesn't even tell me when he needs something yeah so but Ethan Ethan is verbal so there is a difference so I can't imagine how hard that would have been which is why autism is on a spectrum it is is on a spectrum. So yes, there are pieces of it that, we all have autistic qualities in one way or another, and depending on the environment, are we being supported as we need to be supported in the world? Different coping mechanisms will come out. So what did the doctors tell you? What was the outcome of his diagnosis?

Well, eventually the first thing that we asked where the doctor said, well, let's pay attention was when he was seven months old, he couldn't physically sit up unsupported, which is unusual. The focus though was on the physical delay. And it wasn't so much of the other things. It was in addressing, starting and addressing the physical delay. And as time went on, the other developmental things were beginning to be clearly delayed.

That was when I, you know, began to realize, wait a minute, the story was not going along according to the script. And what did that feel like for you? Oh, it was beginning to be scary. And, you know, Shannon, the flip side of taking the credit when things were going so great, which I'm very quick to do. Oh, I'm such a great mother. The flip of that is the blame when it doesn't. The flip of that is, oh, what am I doing wrong? How am I hurting my child that I am somehow causing this delay? Or what did I do during pregnancy or not do during pregnancy? Uh-oh, was it that tuna sandwich? Because you need answers. You want answers as to why. Exactly. And it goes straight to what Mandy was saying about control. It's a negative control. It's, well, if I know what the reason is, I can fix it. I can make it different if I know what it is so

that I can regain control over this thing that is beginning to spin out of control. And part of what you and I had been talking about was, why do we do that? Why do women do that? And I think a lot of it is the societal messages we receive pre-birth about the role of moms and women. It's our job to fix everything and make sure everybody else around us is happy. And if not everyone is happy and not all needs are met, uh-oh, what am I doing? That is not meeting everybody's needs. And it begins to feel like this burden. And certainly when things start not going smoothly and you're starting to hear things from the doctor expressing concern, that narrative that starts to, you become more attuned to the messages you've always been receiving, you're responsible and you're not doing well here. Certainly when it comes to autism,

there's a tragedy narrative about autism that, you know, you hear the word autism and every part of your body is, you know, bad, no good, run away. You know, it's like, even, and this is, is going to sound harsh, but it's like the word cancer. If I say the word cancer, you feel your whole energy contracting and resisting and bad, no good, stay away. It's a similar, you know, energy around the word autism, where you go into this fight or flight mode of handling something that feels bad. Yeah. And you know, it's very interesting is that the generation before didn't have such a word. So I remember with this coming up in the older generation, you you know my parents and their parents were like he is not that he is fine and so in me feeling confused well this one's saying that he

needs these extra things and then I have other people telling me that I don't so that trust part trusting yourself and that mother gut feeling and instinct that you have. I mean, I didn't have because I just was so pulled in so many different directions on who to listen to. You have the experts, you have the psychologists and you have the doctors and you have the researchers and then you have parents who are like, that's, that's bullshit. You know, that's not a thing. When people are telling us things are wrong and we make other people the experts, I just want to address this point that you were just making because it's such an important one, Shanna, that as mothers, I think we naturally, we may be nervous, but we trust our gut. My kid cries, I'm going to feed him, check his diaper. We have in our mind we can handle whatever. We can trust that we're going to take the baby home and we'll figure it out and all will be well. And I think that's

healthy and good because she needs to trust herself that I can raise this baby and I don't need a hundred people in every waking moment. But the danger there that begins to happen when you have a child with special needs is that often because we're so desperate for the kid to be okay, we begin not to trust our own instincts that we will know what is going to help our kid or not, and we're very quick to give away that power to outside people who claim to be the experts and they're going to tell us what to do to make the situation better. Whether that's true or not, we are so desperate and eager to believe them. We give up often that control. And that is dangerous. That is dangerous when we are not trusting and then we

start listening and believing random people who have an opinion you know random people who say oh you know he's fine there's nothing wrong when your gut may be screaming. There's something going on to pay attention to that. So that's early on, do this, do this, we need to step out of the fear and the giving away of power and say, wait a minute, take a breath and breathe and say, wait a minute, that that's the way to go. That approach, that therapy, that medication, that educational approach, that toy needed here in this moment. What is best for me and my child? And ignore the noise. And find the self-esteem and the wherewithal that as women we often are taught, you know, other people first, other people first, wait a minute. In this situation, I have to take care of, honor myself, honor my own wisdom here because I am the expert of my life. I am the expert of my child. That doesn't

mean I'm perfect. It doesn't mean I know everything, but I know better than anyone else how to move forward or not. I can listen to everything and everyone and let it all marinate. And then ultimately it's up to me to move forward. So my point in all this is trust yourself, take care of yourself so that you're grounded, you're well cared for, and honor that the mother you were designed to be, you were designed, mom, perfectly for the role you're in. And so you have what you need, listen to others, but then ultimately when it comes to a decision, we need to trust ourselves and honor ourselves enough to know we're going to move forward in the next five minutes in a way that feels right to us.

Can you share with the listeners one of the probably most devastating things that a doctor had told you that ended up possibly not being true about Ethan? I know. I hope I can tell you without crying. I don't know. I don't even, I can't even say the name of your book without crying. So crying is welcome. Thank you. Yeah. We're all, you know, crying is, is a good you yeah we're all you know crying is is a good release and we're all just being authentic and genuine in this moment right now well thank you i we're talking about such deep stuff that every emotion starts bubbling up what you're referring to shanna is that horrible experience. When Ethan was five years old, I brought him into New York to one of these premier autism expert places for evaluation. And it was about three days of testing. And I saw that it wasn't going well you know he was not cooperating he was not happy

and they brought out a plastic birthday cake and they wanted him to blow out the fake candles on the birthday cake and he went ballistic and he throws the thing because he wanted a real cake with real candles and here you want him to pretend to blow it out he would have none of it and he throws the thing and I'm like oh he's not going to score well and I was right but I wasn't anticipating quite the result because at the end of the three days, he was five years old. They told me that Ethan you know, like three binders of testing, like what, I'm going to read this? Like, I wanted to burn this. I didn't want to read it. It was horrible. And it set the stage from when he was five years old, it kind of, it felt like it had killed my hope. And it set the stage for the following years in terms of my perception of Ethan, how we related to Ethan. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know what's going on.

We talk about him as if he weren't there because he doesn't know anyway, right? So that was a heart-wrenching time. My guidance now to any mother, any mother, where maybe you're having doubts about different abilities, or you're wondering, what about this? What about that? Does he know this? Does he understand that? Or what is his level of intelligence, whatever form that takes. I'm going to use an always term here, and I don't use a lot of them. I'm going to use it here. Always presume competence. Always treat another human being with honor and respect with the assumption that he understands every word you're saying. Because even if he doesn't, you do no harm. And chances are, he or she understands way more than you are giving them credit for. So that was the hard one lesson.

One of them. There have been several. You know, it's like if I could rewind and redo. And I try not to do that too often because it's not a healthy place to go. But that was such an all-pervasive impact. I want to give people that alert that if you feel yourself underestimating your kid, take a breath and breathe and make sure that every word you say to your child to anyone especially to your child and this is not me this is what i think it's buddhist teaching and it's

probably every tradition's teaching make sure that it's true it's kind and it's necessary before you speak that's amazing i say that now with the end in mind because i know what came to follow when ethan ethan's inner being and intellect and consciousness was revealed to be beyond anyone I know, including mine, his own amazingness that I had been so blind to and dismissive of, because how can that be true? He has the mental capacity of a five-month-old baby. And so how much of that was because that was what I, my language was creating that reality for me. I wasn't speaking powerful language. I wasn't speaking possibility language.

It was limited and dark and, you know, sad. And then when Ethan was able to communicate, and that is the foundation of the book, to reveal the truth of what was inside and express that. That was the light turning on and like, oh my goodness, what was I thinking? And with compassion now, cause I was doing the best I could as we all do. And we all are. So this is not about blame. Everyone is on their journey of discovery and learning. And Ethan

just happens to be an incredible teacher to me on this journey. I heard self-forgiveness and grace. Yes. Yes. That's huge, right? As moms, because we're so hard on ourselves. Oh, girls, listen to me. Be kind to yourselves. Watch what you say to yourselves. Just as I wish that person had not said that to me, be careful what you say to your best friend going through this would you say you're an idiot what were you thinking oh my god how stupid are you you wouldn't say that you say that I said that to myself every minute of every day and I was depressed and I was sad was wondering, like, would life be better if I just were not here? Yeah. At the very beginning of your book that just shook me. And, you know, my mind, when I was reading your story connected to a time that I had said something similar. I think that's what we do when we hear people's story. We try to relate it to our own life. And I'll never forget when I worked at Children's Hospital and I worked with kids that were very sick, very, very sick.

And there was one boy who had a disease. I wouldn't even try to pronounce it because it's so long, but he had no connective tissue. And so he was just an open wound. His fingers had fallen off his ears, his eyelids, his toes, and he was wrapped like a mummy and he was in like the most severe vein. And it shook my faith like no other. And I have really strong faith because of the things I've been through. And at the beginning of your book, you say, why is God allowing this to happen to me and to my innocent child? And I remember thinking that when I was sitting across from this child in my classroom, why is God allowing this to happen to this innocent child?

And I was angry and I was mad. How did you handle that? And have you found an answer to that question? Well, that's the human question, isn't it? Why is there suffering, especially of the innocent? Can there be a God in the face of that? You know what, Mandy? Maybe now would be the moment for me to share with you my conversation with Ethan to address your question. Not that I have the answer, but in that all is done, but a response to it. Okay, please share.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That is the heart of why we're even here, right? Is to ease people's way, ease their suffering, alleviate their pain, create ease in their lives, regain joy in their life at the same time that there is such suffering. That's why you have this program, is to make that happen. So we had had some very tough experiences finding the right placement for Ethan, school-wise, therapy-wise. Didn't start out in a great place. That's a whole other thing. But we found a new school that offered many resources that we had not the child doing the

communicating, it's the teacher or therapist who is even unknowingly influencing what is being typed. And so it's really not the kid typing, you know, it's the teacher. And if it's not their own voice and you're, you know, and you're saying, oh, they said this and they didn't, obviously that's a very negative thing. And nobody wants that. I won't go into the ins and outs of all of it. There's a lot of information out there, but I will say that we had done our own due diligence on it and we did our own testing. And we would test it with Ethan

asking him questions as he's virtually nonverbal, but we would ask him questions through the typing, you know, that only he would know the answer to, you know, so the teacher couldn't influence the answer because she wouldn't know the answer. So I said, for example, what color is your room? And he typed, the walls are blue, the ceiling is white. The teacher would have had no idea what color his room was. And there were other things like that. And we had done an intake and during the intake of the typing, and I knew he knew how to, he knew the letters of the alphabet, He knew the keyboard because they had taught him the keyboard as part of academia, but it was more to copy. It was not to express anything.

And as you may know, copying something is a very different part of the brain than expression, creative expression. So we went in for the intake. The teacher, we're like, oh, he knows the alphabet. Okay, great. Well, okay. What flavor ice cream does Ethan like? In the beginning with these things, you're just asking very simple pairing questions.

Make it simple. So she said, Ethan, what's your favorite flavor? Chocolate or strawberry? And Ethan just echoed the last word that he heard, as a lot of kids with autism do. That's an autism thing for some kids. And he verbally said strawberry, the last thing he heard. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm watching this, and I'm thinking that's not true. I'm just watching he said strawberry he then typed chocolate spelled correctly and I'm thinking well that is true and he knows how to spill chocolate like hmm I still I still get it wrong yeah right

I know that's amazing so okay and this is your five-month mentality and and that was still my mindset so that's why I'm like and so that was the intake before he even started he starts at the school and and my husband and I were really nervous because if you do any research, if you Google facilitated communication, OMG, it's completely discredited, horrible, terrible. Don't do it. You're being fooled. It's horrible, bad, all that. And we got scared.

We're like, oh my God, no no one wants to be deceived. No, but this is too important. I, you know, and we really got nervous, but we knew that he needed to change schools. This school had a focus on play and relationship. And, you know, we were like, okay, it felt more attuned to what we wanted for him. And we were like, all right, maybe we'll, let's not worry about the communication piece. Let's just focus on calming him down because he was very dysregulated. His first week, he starts at the school. The teacher calls me after his first week. And, you know, when you have a kid with autism, Shanna, you know this, you don't want to be getting phone calls from school, you know, because you don't want to hear he bit somebody, he, he, he, whatever, he ran out the

door, you don't want to, you get scared, so she calls me, and she said, I wanted to tell you about an exchange I had with Ethan, and I'm thinking, the kid doesn't talk. What do you mean in exchange? Like, she says, well, with the typing, she was working with him. And she said, Ethan, you're at the school now for a week. Give me three words. How do you feel in the new school. The old school was tiny and silent. The new school was big and loud and, you know, bustling, colorful. So she thought the three words that he was going to say, you know, loud, busy, whatever. She told me later she only asked him for three words because she didn't want to overwhelm him. The three words that Ethan typed after that first week when he was nine years old, basking in joy. Wow. That's amazing. And that's why she called me. She said, I didn't want to email that. I'm like, is, you know, so you have to, I was so disoriented that the kid with the five month mentality, like

what is happening here? What is going on? And I'll give you one more little snippet before I answer Mandy's question, but I continued to work with Ethan going in to communicate with him. And I should tell you, he would refuse to type with me. And at one point, I actually have a video of this, where I said, Ethan, will you type with me? And the kid, the stinker, he verbally says, no. No, mommy, no. I was like, oh, come on. Come on, I'll give you the iPad. You know, I'll give you Oreo cookies, like the big guns. You know, like what I know you want. Sounds like me. Right? Like what's going to work? What bribe is going to work here?

Whatever you want. Whatever you want. Like, so, and again, no, no, mom. It's like, why not? Why won't you type with me? And he typed with the teacher, you're too tense. And I started laughing. And I said, I know, but I am. I am. I'm like, say it, it's all right. He's probably get away. So he wouldn't type with me. One day I go into work with him. She says,

oh, Ethan, let's type about everyday stuff. So she says, what does he like to do every day? So this was about, he was 10. So it was about five years ago. And he liked to watch the news. I laugh when I say that, because now nobody wants to watch the news. But back then, he wanted to watch the news. So teacher says okay Ethan mom says you like to watch the news why do you like to watch the news so he types I'm interested in global things so the teacher is oh that's really cool why are you interested in global things I'm interested in conflict. So I get nervous. Why is he interested in conflict? Is he a criminal?

You can see why he doesn't want to talk with me, right? I'm nervous. But the teacher is calm as a cucumber, Lisa. Oh, Ethan, that's really interesting. Why are you interested in conflict? I have ideas for peace. Really? That's very cool. Can you give us an example? And Ethan typed, let people make their own decisions. Don't make them fight if they want peace. I witnessed him do this and I'm thinking, she didn't type that.

That was an intelligent answer. If that's not what diplomacy is about, right? Or most people's even thoughts. Right, right. So that was a glimpse. There were many more. Some are in the book. But ultimately, even with the ability to communicate, as powerful as it was, Ethan was still very dysregulated. meltdowns and he would hit his head against any edge and he was putting his head through literally through the walls so the walls of the house were shattered to the beams of the house. We had to bring him to have you know an MRI of his eyes to make sure that he hadn't detached a retina from banging his head so much. It was horrible. And we would ask him after, Ethan, why are you doing this? Why are you hurting us? Why is this happening?

And he would type, I can't help it. And let's face it, when someone can help something and you know it and he can communicate that you're going to respond very differently from if he had not been able to communicate and you thought he's being defiant and he's he's a mean kid or whatever versus this kid can help it so it was a horrible time where he's injured we're injured it was terrible and we made the very hard decision for Ethan to go to a residential placement for him to go to a school for kids with autism who could provide him with the 24-7 support that he needed to be with other kids like himself. And I will tell you, he is thriving there. It's a wonderful place. It's outside of Boston and we miss him, but he's doing amazing there. So I knew that he was going to be leaving. And as you heard, this is a controversial method and the

new school would have none of it. And I knew that I would be losing this ability to communicate with Ethan. So about a month before he was going, I went in and I was having extra sessions with him. And I thought, you know, I want to just talk more with him and get to know him better while I can. So this was about a month before he was leaving. And I go in and I said, this took place in the teacher, Lisa's little office in the school, this ordinary stuffy office, the little desk and, you know, like any other office. And I did not know the miracle that was about to unfold in this very ordinary office. I said, Ethan, I know you enjoy going to the special needs service every month. I realized I never asked you, what are your thoughts about God? And so now Mandy, I'm going to answer your question.

This conversation is with me asking Ethan these questions and Ethan typing his responses with Lisa, the teacher. What are your thoughts about God? Ethan, God is in my heart and he will always protect me. Well, I was not expecting that. I said, did he tell you that? When I lived in heaven, he told me that. Do you remember that time? When I lived with God, I wasn't named Ethan yet. What was your name?

I was not to remember it. I had many before. Do you remember anything from that time? And at that point, Ethan said verbally, no, thank you. He typed, we should talk about it when nobody is here. I said, well, Ethan, who should leave? I said, should Lisa leave? And he verbally said no. So Lisa said to him, should mom leave? And he verbally said no. There was one more person in the room. Kyle, Ethan's aide, because of the severe behaviors, we always had to have a strong young man with us to keep everybody safe. And Kyle was a sweetheart, but he was skeptical about the typing and Ethan felt that.

So I said, should Kyle leave? And he said a word that's difficult for him. He said, yes. So Kyle left the room and Ethan continued to type. I remember life with no body. When you go to heaven, there are no bodies, just spectacular energy. Did you choose to come here as Ethan Rome? We were family another time. We didn't live here. We lived in a small group but got hurt by warriors. Why did you choose to come back with challenges? I will be greatly rewarded in eternity. I know. Is there anything we should do to help you? I have to complete my journey as prescribed by God.

Does it feel longer than you thought it would be? He was 11. Yes, the journey is unfathomably longer than expected. And I had to ask him again, what should we do to help you on the journey. You just have to love me and that is your job. The rest is my job to do. Yes. With those words, he took me off the hook for having to fix him. Every time you tell this part, I'm going to lose it. I just, I think it's just the most realist thing that I ever heard. And to think of the sacrifice. But in the end, all he wanted was us just to love him. They are the ones that are teaching us. You know, Shanna, I asked Ethan's permission to share this story because here he didn't want Kyle in the room. So then when I was thinking, I'm going to share this story, I'm going to ask him if it's okay, because he was being careful about who heard it. And I said to him shortly afterward, Ethan, is it okay if I tell your story to other people? The reason I want to is that I feel that it would help other moms of autistic kids and kids having difficulty.

I think it would soothe them and ease their way. That's why I want to. Is it okay with you? And this nonverbal kid said, okay. Thank you so much for sharing his story. You're welcome. His message is though, it's, it's touching you because all you've ever wanted to do is make things okay for your kid you know it's so it's so amazing too that he was able to share which I've always felt is these things that are happening within him and then on the spiritual level I mean the wisdom that are within these kids And I've been saying this a long time. You know, what is it in us that keeps us further from our souls is our ego. The less ego they have, the closer they are to just being pure souls.

No wonder why they're so sensitive. Well, he's living in two worlds. So you're not going to do well on land or sea if you're in both. And it's tough. And back to Mandy's question, he chose it. Now, another time I was working with an energy person and I was because you know I'm talking to you now and and I hope I don't come off as you know this big shot and I've got it all together now and and you know Ethan told me and all is well and I'm good to go and every day is nirvana it doesn't quite work that way because we're in this world. We have real life stuff, real life issues, and I have my moments. But another time I was speaking to an energy person

and I got caught up in fear. What's going to happen? And in this case, I was talking to this, you know, I was venting to this particular person. And I said, you know, what's going to happen, Ethan? You know, he can stay in this school until he's 21, but then he has to go and there's nowhere to receive him. And he needs to be in another loving, protective place. And he can't come home because we can't do. And I start spinning. Ethan's energy, his higher self, his soul comes through. And he responds to me. Mom, dry your tears. I am a master soul and all is well.

And another message was, your guilt is a burden I will not bear. We each have our own journey. We're each doing the best we can. We're each the hero of our own story. Anyone of any ability, anyone of any affliction, anyone with any challenge is the hero of their own story. Mom is guide. Mom is not hero in someone else's journey. That's enabling. That's cutting someone off at the knees.

That's not respectful of their own dignity and humanity. It's putting the burden of our happiness onto a kid, which is a burden, no kid, mom's happiness. It's not a burden that's his to bear. It should not be. And it will damage the relationship between you if you do that, even with the best of intentions. When you presume competence, assume they are the master of their own life. And you are there. You just have to love me. Love is a big verb. Love is action. Love is I am here for you.

What do you need? I am here no matter what, no matter when. That is the definition of love. I still need to protect and guide and nourish, educate. There's a lot in love, but it does not mean live your life for you. That is not the definition of love. So when we remember that, and remember that every choice is always, and this is Ethan's wisdom here, you just have to love me. You know, there are bumper stickers. Love is the answer no matter the question. You don't know what to do. You take a breath. You breathe.

You listen to the whispers of your heart. What would love do right now? What is the loving micro step? It doesn't have to be for the next 20 years, the next five seconds. What is the loving way to go? Because when love is the intention and love is the North Star. There are no mistakes. It's only learning. If it doesn't work, oh, well, something else to do another time. Your goal is love. And to me, that is Ethan's encouraging message and guidance to all the moms. You don't know what to do? It's okay.

Just love, love, love yourself. What do I need? What loving thing do I need right now? First, you. First, you. You're the general. You need to be strong and thinking and powerful and strategic and the one to go to, and you need to be okay.

And when you are, you take care of not only the body, also the soul. Your child is the beneficiary of that. I in the book i believe there's a spiritual umbilical cord that doesn't get cut at birth that lives forever and even if you didn't physically give birth to your child it's a heart connection and it is there and you feel each other's energy. You feel each other's feelings and your kid feels you standing in your own power, your own joy of being as the heroine of your own life, made in God's image like anyone else. His first words to me, God is in my heart and will always protect me. That's not only Ethan. Each of us, when we're feeling sad and weak, wait a minute, wait a minute, I'm not alone, wait a minute. And remember that and stand in your power and your child feels that.

Oh, mom's okay. Mom's got my back. I'm okay. I'll be okay. And I'm going to learn from her. In the face of something hard, who do I choose to be? Victim or master over my choices, my thoughts? And we model that. And we set them up to make decisions for themselves in the same way. Because they learn by watching and that is ethan's guidance for all of us this is i mean all this wisdom that you are now today helping other moms through this journey to find love for themselves to be the master of their lives. And you do. You speak and you help women.

You have programs and you do retreats. You do so many things just to put out these messages that you were taught from your nonverbal son. And can I just add please that there's something so simple about what he said yes that made me realize how much we over complicate our own lives that we are our own worst enemy that we are always standing in the way of ourselves. If we could just get back to that simplicity of what he carries in his heart. I mean, that message gives hope. There's life after death, that we are eternal, that we evolve, that love is the divinity

of where we stand and where we will always be. Past lives and soul agreements. Like there's so much in that message and it's so simple. It didn't even take up a whole page. No. And you know what? This isn't just a message for moms. This is a message for every single human on earth. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. This is a message that every single person needs to hear because it, it literally proves to me that God is not some bearded man in the sky. He is within each one of us. And that it's coming from this boy of such just divine love and innocence.

I mean, it is so powerful. And you know what? You were chosen because you can relay the message so beautifully. Thank you for that. I'm going to cry now. Thank you. I am like, I am forever going to hold this book forever. I want to give it to everyone. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, it's a life changer. It takes away expectation. It takes away pain. It takes away guilt. It takes away shame. It takes away the unknown and the fear. Yes. And how we overcomplicate everything. I mean, we do. I love Star Trek. I'm dating myself, the original Star Trek. And there was an episode where Captain Kirk is put on this planet by some alien and he's going to, you know, he has to win the battle to save the galaxy, you know, one of those, which is the plot of probably every

episode. And, but this particular episode, the person, the alien who puts him on the planet says to him, you're on this planet, you have to survive, you know, all that. Everything you need is there. You have everything you need. You only need to recognize it. But it's all there. We are designed. We were born. Our DNA, every cell of our trillions, every trillions of cells, right? Every one of them has the information we need

to be to to be in the world to know what to do as a mother to know what to do in life with our fellow humans with whom we are all connected if we would only wake up and see that anything else is a veil anything else is not true is not from god or source or whatever language resonates with us fear that's why love and fear do not coincide. Focus on the love. You will not be afraid. You will trust. I am part of the natural order. Abundance is the natural order. Trillions of cells. How many leaves on the trees? Grains of sand on the beaches. Scarcity is an illusion. The natural order is everything you need is here. Use it. Recognize it. Join with others to recognize what treasures are within you and the gifts to be shared with each other in community. That's one of the important points here. We are not alone,

not only because God is with us, although obviously really important, but the women you bring together here. This is a sacred space. This is community. Your joy is my joy. Your distress is my distress. If I can help you, I'm going to because that helps me. And the other way around, that is the natural order. And you know what? I think it's so important to realize that we have so much extra stuff going on constantly from outside of us filling in this space where that is. My daughter says about my son, Ethan, all the time, sometimes I wish I could just be like Ethan, where I didn't have to worry about how much I weigh or what I'm going to do. Let's flip that. Let's flip, exactly exactly because he knows what's important yeah that other

stuff is like what it's like what are you looking at they so don't care the stuff that and you want to know what Shannon has always talked about how she believes that children with autism and special needs are the closest to god they're the most divine because the the fact they have more soul and less ego you know they're not three-dimensional ever no they're multi-dimensional they hate the 3d exactly time is an illusion all is is now right yes so you know what is the world that you know ethan is not the only one speaking this stuff the other kids the non-verbal typers in the world they they write poetry they write they write blogs they do all this stuff guess what they're all amazing theme. You get one guess what the theme is. You get one guess.

Universal, universal. All these kids are typing. Love is the only thing that matters. Yeah. This is a perfect time because I was going to read this anyway. This was in your book, Nick, an autistic young adult who did this with a facilitated communication. Get more people to free their minds. Get more people to feel the freedom from fear. Help them to know that love is the answer. Be not afraid. Be the one who tries to be loved.

Need to stop being hateful. Nick. I mean, are you kidding me? Seriously? They all do. And I'll get, and you know what, this is, this is actually bigger, you know, oh, the moms were talking about love. Isn't that nice? Let me tell you, it is practical. It is on the ground. Why? One of the kids, this was shortly after COVID hit and in the autism world, and I see what the typers are typing and all that. This one boy typed, he was about, I don't know, 17 or so. And COVID had just hit and Europe and Italy were the center at that point. And he types in this little world, you know, in Italy, they should use snow blowers to spray disinfectant through the streets to help reduce the infection in Italy.

Six months later, fast forward, Washington Post, I think, article, in Italy, they're using snow to spray disinfectant through the streets to try to like, and we're like, okay. Yeah. I was at a hotel in Arizona. I just happened to be in Tucson visiting my son and part of their morning ritual, they had this native American man every morning come up and like set intentions and bless the day and with the sunrise. And he shared with us that they always believed that the people with special needs or mental disabilities were the divine. And they honor them in that culture. And they look up to them. They strive to be more like them.

And our society has us so wrong. They're getting better. They are getting better. Thank God. I think that they're better now than they were for my generation. Right. At least they acknowledge them. They include them. They support them. You know, I mean, the other day, my Ethan, he needed a man suit. And we're like, a man suit? We're trying, what the heck you, what is that? So he sends me a picture. It's like a white colored shirt with a vest.

What do you need it for, Ethan? He says, I'm going to ask out a girl. And oh my gosh, he went downstairs. He put on the shirt. He had the collar buttoned in the back of his head. And he was trying, he took took a shower which is a very difficult thing for Ethan he went and he asked her out we were all very worried he did write a poem he sang a song oh god we were very worried though because I asked is she an ILC he said no which is

like their special needs group and so he came home and he's like, I'm a free man. And I was like, oh, okay. What happened? He goes, well, she's not allowed to date. Just thought, oh my God. Thank God she was kind enough to say something like that. Because he actually took it okay. And he was like, I'm a free guy.

There's lots of fish in the sea, mom. That's fantastic. It went well. But kids are nicer now they're kinder and you know my mother would say to me and i'm going to pass it on to your ethan there is a lid for every pot and i i've witnessed it where people you would never imagine yeah find these incredible people who this is exactly the fit oh you I hope that oh my gosh autism quadriplegia things that like tough stuff and they find a partner that's the thing my son my oldest son when he was working with the special needs kids at the high school, Drew connected with some of them who were nonverbal, yet he understood them in so many ways.

And even though it looked like he was doing so much for them, they were doing so much for him. When you fit in like that with a bunch of people that don't fit in then there's something there and he did he he became like almost best friends with a non-verbal you know child who had down syndrome well they're connecting connected heart to heart there's no language there's no language you know what I another message i've gotten from today is that less is more you know why don't we ever just sit in each other's presence and try to talk through our hearts instead of always filling the space with words yes yes i like that um heidi i just have to say you are beautiful speaker. You don't just tell your story.

You tell your story with your whole heart open. And this has been one of the most amazing interviews I've ever been part of. And thank you so much. Oh, Mandy, Shanna, thank you so much for this opportunity to share Ethan's heart, Ethan's wisdom with more people who will benefit. It was his intention for me to do this. And I'm honored that the two of you have invited me to share with you. Thank you so much for the sacred space.

I adore you. I love you. And I love Ethan. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I feel the love in this, in this room. Shout out your book, any websites or anything you have going on? Yes. Well, I think the easiest thing is go to HeidiRome.com, H-E-I-D-I-R-O-M-E.com. You can get the book there if you want. It'll link you to Amazon

or you can certainly go directly to Amazon. And I'm about to launch a new program for moms called 25 Minutes for Me. And it's going to be on the 25th of every month. And it's just for us to come together in community and love and unconditional acceptance to just be with each other in joy and tears and just be there for fun and laughter and lightness. And if that's all someone wants at any given time, that's great.

They can go. For those who are up for a little bit more, the second 25 minutes will be some teaching, some learning, some sharing, some Q&A for people who want to engage a bit more on the journey, whatever they're up for in that moment. So that is starting this month and it will be ongoing. I definitely will be there for you and for others, because I just, I remember how lonely it was and how good it feels when you know that some other kid only eats three things too. And so you don't have to feel so bad about running to fricking talk about

every single night for dinner. Because they'll be telling you which Taco Bells are open they get it and now it the time for the moms to gather for those who don't have a voice and ramp it up and tap into all that unfulfilled human potential that is just right there for the harvesting and the celebration. Make love your North Star and all will be well. You are amazing. And now I know why Shanna called me last week. Like, oh my God, I just got off the phone. I mean, you're beautiful. So thank you for being with Sense of Soul today and sharing what soul is really about. Thank you so much. Thank you for embodying what soul is all about. All right. Well, we'll see you on the 25th. Can't wait to see you.

Thank you so much, Heidi. Thank you. Thanks for being with us today. We hope you will come back next week. If you like what you hear, don't forget to rate, like, and subscribe. Thank you. We rise to lift you up. Thanks for listening.