Sense of Soul - Suggestions for Not Fecking Things Up Now and in Later Life

Episode Date: February 2, 2024

Today on Sense of Soul we have Fergal Barr, he is a parent, grandparent, youth worker, Liverpool supporter, tea drinker, avid book reader (non-fiction), humour and music lover, and author. He’s going us today from Northern Ireland to tell us about his new book, 50 Years – 50 Lessons, A Middle-Aged Man's Suggestions for Not Fecking Things Up - Now and in Later Life! In his book he has outlined 50 lessons, each of which is underpinned by a set of values and beliefs gained directly from Fergal’s lived experiences. Aimed at provoking one’s thoughts about a wide range of contemporary issues, these lessons also ask its readers to reflect on their own values and beliefs, and, in doing so, to contemplate their future approaches to different issues.  Learn more:  https://thekingisalive.wixsite.com/fergalbarr Follow his journey: https://www.facebook.com/fergal.barr  Order Fergal’s book: https://amzn.to/3vYWjn4 Learn more about Sense of Soul Podcast: https://www.senseofsoulpodcast.com Check out the NEW affiliates! https://www.mysenseofsoul.com/sense-of-soul-affiliates-page

Hello, my soul-seeking friends. It's Shanna. Thank you so much for listening to Sense of Soul Podcast. Enlightening conversations with like-minded souls from around the world. Sharing their journey of finding their light within, turning pain into purpose, and awakening to their true sense of soul. If you like what you hear, show me some love and rate, like, and subscribe. And consider becoming a Sense of Soul Patreon member, where you will get ad-free episodes,

monthly circles, and much more. Now go grab your coffee, open your mind, heart, and soul. It's time to awaken. Today on Sense of Soul, we have Virgil Barr. He is a parent, grandparent, youth worker, Liverpool supporter, tea drinker, avid book reader, humor and music lover, and author. And he's joining us today from Northern Ireland to tell us about his new book, 50 Years, 50 Lessons, A Middle-Aged Man's Suggestions for Not fecking things up now and in later life. So please welcome Virgil. Lovely to meet you. I like the sign behind your head.

I think it's very apt right now. Oh, isn't that awesome? My best friend bought me that. We need more of people, storytellers, and I don't want to sound cliche, peacemakers, but yeah, it's nice actually we need more of those and less of people willing to pull triggers and push buttons you know. The challenge I guess for us is that we're so surrounded by immediate news in real time that we feel that everything is negative and actually there's so much to be positive about as well of

course you want to see how beautiful the word is. Don't watch the news. Go outside. Doing things that are much more positive than sitting obsessing about the news and so on. So even in the doom and gloom, there's much to be also positive about. So at least I think so anyway. I'm an eternal optimist. I think we need more eternal optimists also.

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And usually I feel like I am. That's my go-to. Let me just be present, you know, and I do. I'll go outside. That's usually what will help me, you know, is to connect and ground myself with Mother Nature and just go within. But, yeah, it's heavy.

You know, I think for everyone, I think even people who don't watch the news can still sense the heaviness. You know, I look at children, they don't know much what's going on. Well, some of them, a lot of them do have phones attached to them as well. But I feel like even they know,

you know, even if they don't know. Yeah. I mean, the children are very good at very perceptive of picking up vibes the energies around them even though we don't credit them enough with that intuition that they have i think often there's those moments in history that when we feel things are really at a kind of tipping point or they're getting to a tipping point they're getting to a point where we need to do something radically different and then it tends to happen actually in this moment it's very hard to see beyond the immediate headlines but there also comes a point

where you say okay enough is enough we have to stop because this isn't going anywhere you know other you know the status quo can't exist we have to do something about that I mean it was the same in Ireland we got to the point where we said enough is enough we need to do something different and we did and it's not perfect by any means or any stretch of the imagination but much better than how it was in one stage it seemed completely intractable

and we have a relative peace now from a very difficult place that we were in our challenge is to maintain it and ensure that we don't forget how far we've come. Yeah. I mean, you hope that you learn as you make mistakes or as you deal with the challenges. And that's, I think, on a personal level. And then you hope on a global level that we would get wiser and choose to do something different because we've learned from the past. So I am 47.

And I think that with age, a lot of wisdom comes because of those challenges, you know, that we've gone through. I'm 52 now. So I'm a little bit older than the book suggests. Okay. So, you know, many of the things in my life that were so important, say 15, maybe even 10 years ago, are just not important anymore. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I've been kind of, I mean, one of the motivating factors behind the book, it didn't start out as saying, okay, I'm going to write a book about lessons. But the first lesson is really about letting go of all the things you think you can control. And, you know, most of it doesn't matter anyway. You know, most of it, you can only control X amount of things. And that usually involves yourself. The rest, you have to kind of

let go. The rest, you have to say no i'm not i'm not only not responsible it doesn't mean you wash your hands of trying to change things for sure not um but it's also knowing um what it is you can change what it is you're going to what you can control and being comfortable with that i think that's the key actually being comfortable and being okay with the one okay this is what I know I can do this is what I know I could change yeah I remember this the idea of wanting to change the word and in my teens and and that was more about my lack of understanding of how big the word actually was and thinking I could cause major influence and all that and then realize like it doesn't quite work. It takes something dramatic, special to be in the midst of a moment. And you're part of that moment.

You know, I remember that I grew up in the 80s. When I say I grew up in the 80s, I mean, I was born in the 70s. But suddenly the realization of what was going on occurred in the 80s. And there seemed a lot of change. I mean, apartheid ended in South Africa. The wall came down in Europe, and we seem to have building on previous leaders like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and so on. We had Mandela and we had other leaders as well who were seemingly bringing this to a point of the world

evolving and progressing. We have regressed a little bit, I would argue, but that's also because sometimes you need to take a step back to realize actually where you need to go to. So, yeah, in the midst of it all, it's about saying, OK, what are the things we can learn from? Because a lot of people don't learn. A lot of people choose not to learn because it's easier. If you learn, you have to think. If you think, it takes up energy. And if you if you don't have enough energy um and then sometimes uh the as they call it the invisible hand also you know kind of shapes and molds things and um oh yeah and that doesn't allow people who really want to maybe create change to be in the right place um but there's so many

competing interests now when i was growing up it seemed a little bit more straightforward in terms of where things were at and how you were able to fit into that, and if you wanted to create change, you know, rather you might have said, okay, there's three things I need to do. Now it's more like there's 300 things I need to do to try and have the same effect. So, yeah, but, I mean, one of my mantras um is it is what it is and it's my great escape clause because uh rather than get very uh i used to get annoyed about things or i'd get angry about stuff you know and but now i just say okay it is what it is and it allows me to you know i deal with the the what is and not the what should be. If I was making a change in the word, I would ban the word should from the English dictionary.

I think it's one of the worst words we've ever created. Should. Should's a dangerous word. Yeah. There's this guy, Randy Heverson. One time he was on our podcast years ago. He said, I should this, I should that. And before you know, you're shitting all over yourself.

I like that. I may take that one. Yeah, it's a good one. I might come back to you and ask, give me the name of the guy. It was Brandy who? Yeah. Brandy Haverson, but yes. Brandy Haverson. Yeah, he was right. Getting rid of the word shoot because that that will remove a lot of it's really not about what are the things that you stress about or what are the things you get worked

up about and saying okay wow and expectation this is my other thing about uh expectation i mean there's expectation and everything and everyone has expectation and i at this table i'm sitting at in my kitchen i was uh there was a friend staying over one evening and we're sitting having a few beers. And she was talking about things. And I said, you know, it's all about expectations. It all comes down to expectation. Everything is expectation. And that's why I explained a little bit what I meant by it.

And then she says, whatever she was offering another example. And I said, yeah, expectation. This is your expectation. And she was like, no, no, no. And then she kept trying to. And I said, yeah, expectation. This is your expectation. And she was like, no, no, no. And then she kept trying to, and I says, it's expectation. If you tailor your expectations, it doesn't mean you don't have ambition or you don't have expectations. But if you tailor them in such a way, which is by saying, okay,

my expectation isn't going to be like this anymore. I'm going to tailor it to fit the moment or to fit the person or to fit the reality and tailor it so that you don't end up throwing the head up or getting angry or, you know, dramatic. My best friend used to say expectations lead to future resentments. Oh, yeah. Maybe I need the name of your friend as well. Yeah, I got all of these little bookmarkers. You know, I got these little bookmarkers in my brain but expectations is beautiful and dangerous at the

same time it's a you know one of those double-edged swords and there's expectation in everything we get up in the morning well we expect to wake we expect to you know our laptops to work we expect to turn on the light we expect the toilet to flush we expect we step out of bed our legs will walk us across the floor and we often take that for granted naturally so because it's something you know when you're doing something regularly all the time you don't think too much about it but there's obviously the expectations i'm really talking about is beyond that it's the expectation that um you know you expect people to behave the way that you want and not the way they have designed that they're going to yeah

they're going to behave you know i just something just dawned on me you know i have adhd i'm you know i talked about this a lot you know i've I've always struggled with it. But I think because of that, I learned early on that to not have very high expectations because you never know what's going to happen in my life. And so I felt a lot of expectations on me all the time. And I felt like I was letting down people all the time because of their expectations. And so, yeah, that was part of my journey for sure. No, I can imagine it. Cause I, I mean, I'm a youth worker by profession. So over the years I've met people with various kind of conditions. My son has Asperger's, he's on the spectrum as well.

Okay. I have a son too. Okay. And what age is your son? So he's 20. The one who is, he's not Asperger's, but he's on the spectrum and he's 20, but I have four kids. You have four kids? Yes. Oh, wonderful. 26 to 11, 26 to 11.

Like I signed up to be a parent forever. Yes, you did. Even if you've only have one and they're like two months, you're a parent forever. Yes, you did. Even if you only have one and they're like two months, you're a parent forever. I go the other way. Mine's 26 and up. So I have two daughters.

So it's 26, 30 and 32. But my son now, I mean, because of his aspect, being on the spectrum, he has certain ways of working, you know, um yeah my expectation with him as he was getting older i mean in terms of how we were learning about his way of operating was uh to okay we i expect there are certain things he will do and certain ways he'll be

but i don't expect myself to treat him any differently from how it's going to be the you know i still treat him as my son and i I might make some allowances for certain things, but, you know, he's still my son. He's still a sibling for his two sisters, and it's partly about the expectation that he still meets, he honours certain commitments to life, like not, you know, beating anyone up, not driving his car into someone else

these are even if you have these conditions as well there are certain uh commitments let's say that you honor uh and i don't expect your safety and others primarily and and for everyone else so um yeah so the expectation it's the beautiful double-edged sword where everything, everything is about expectation, you know? I love that you brought up your, your son who's on the spectrum because that was a huge part of my journey too, because, you know, he was my third kid, my first two, you know, my first one was super smart, you know, reading it to, you know,

just doing all the things. first two you know my first one was super smart you know reading it to you know just all doing all the things and my second one was trying to keep up with him my daughter was trying to keep up with the first one and i had expectations that i was doing really good as a mother and it was all me that was causing these children to be so wonderful uh it's It's realizing also. Yeah, it humbled me. Humbled me. Yeah. Realizing that everyone is individual. You know, my son is a musician and he's very talented. You know, plays guitar, quite good on keyboards as well.

Guitar is his thing. Taught himself essentially and was able to very quickly pick up the, you know, someone could hum a tune and he can start to play it. You know, he's very talented this way. And so he just learns differently and he has certain traits and that's, that's how it is. This is how his, his mind, his brain functions. And this is perfectly okay. And it meant for people like myself and my ex-wife had to adapt our thinking about this

and also adapting thinking just around, OK, not only there are kids who are on the spectrum who condition is even, I was going to say worse, but not worse, but it's even more intense, which means that in terms of just learning and coordination, you know, much more challenging. And I have great admiration for parents who have got children who are fully autistic.

You know, I mean, that is tough. That is tough. So my son was almost like a walk in the park compared to some, actually, you know. But then I have two daughters. I should mention I have three grandkids as well. I shouldn't mention my three kids and not mention the grandkids also. They're all distinctly different and I have two daughters. I should mention I have three grandkids as well. I shouldn't mention my three kids and not mention the grandkids also. They're all distinctly different,

and I have distinct ways of learning, interacting with one another, even more sensitive than those before them. So, I mean, I wouldn't want to be raising kids in the current moment. This is very challenging. I mean, I'm talking young kids. I mean, when young parents start like this, I'm very glad. I was at my granddaughter's christening yesterday and lots of young parents, lots of young kids. And, you know, you could describe it as mayhem, but a chaos because the kids are, you know, I mean, I'm just sitting there relaxed and easygoing and chilled.

And actually, I get great fun watching all the parents get stressed it gives me great joy to think oh geez this is great I don't have to go back to this at all and the only time I have to do it is a bit of grandparent from time to time so I'm quite happy and quite comfortable with the idea that yeah I'm not doing it because right now this would be much much more challenging than I mean we get lucky my ex-wife we got lucky because we're raising our kids at a time when really social media didn't exist was only becoming internet was really only starting and we didn't have rolling 24 7 views so all those a lot of that stuff wasn't there so COVID yeah all the things that they're dealing with these little kids I was thinking I had this vision or memory, I guess.

It was when my youngest, who her and her brother are 15 years apart. I am that parent, like I was a younger parent and then I became an older parent. But you know, kids aren't even having, I say kids, not so much the millennials, more of Gen Z, aren't really rushing into having children. Which is so interesting.

Yeah, it's also interesting because, I mean, they get a lot of flack for being oversensitive and stuff, but actually they're quite, in terms of campaigning and stuff and lobbying, I mean, they're quite active. Yes, they're protesting. Yes, they're passionate. They're passionate. And they're also, they're not rushing in because they realize,

hold on a minute, I can't afford rent, never mind raising kids. Oh, so true. It's a different time. They're thinking a lot much more about, I mean, they're caring much more about the planet than we did because there's much more awareness now. Yes, we were eating chicken nuggets in a styrofoam box, just loving every minute of it. So yeah, I mean, they get an awful lot of flack, but on a very positive note, they've become more sensitized to people, more sensitized to their surroundings. Yes, they're about justice, equality. It's pretty amazing because I think about even the acceptance of my son who is on the spectrum and I see that and I think that's

very beautiful because I don't even recall anybody on the spectrum, you know, when I was in high school or anything like that. And I often wonder now, where were they? Or were they just so separated from us? I think there's two things. One is that a lot of the awareness we have of different conditions now and stuff was tended to probably always be there. But we never really, we didn't have the awareness we have of different conditions now and stuff tended to probably always be there. But we never really, we didn't have the awareness. We didn't have the awareness. But also autism as an addition has exploded. And one of the things that we need to consider,

and there's people have been doing research around this, much better qualified people than I, and looking also a lot of stuff in the States as well, people looking at in terms of what we have done everything from water supplies to building besides industrial plants and stuff like this you know what we're putting in terms of our food production all this so a lot of the conditions a lot of the what they call antisocial conditions or disorders have coincided a lot with the last 20 30 40 years of consumption what we're putting in our food what we're putting in the air and so on now there's been many different pieces of research done right and nothing is 100 conclusive right but nothing

that kind of i suppose really ties them all up to say, right, this we're quite clear now. But what is clear is that a lot of the conditions and disorders that have been coming around, a lot has coincided with the introduction of the iPhone. A lot of the stressors among young people from 2008 onwards. For sure. Levels of stress and anxiety, depression. Probably numbers of suicide. a lot of the things that will contribute to people contemplate suicide has increased absolutely we've become much more

aware much more inclined to be considering okay our environment i mean what has there's a lot to be said for the social and economic environment we exist in and we grow up in and we've lived in and how much has changed over the last 20 to 30 40 years and the impact i was reading about christening called sedated which i recommend it and it talked about how this explosion of conditions and disorders and much of it is is connected with the growth in the pharmaceutical industry which is much more present in the us than over here it happens here also but the dsm the pharmaceutical industry, which is much more present in the US than over here. It happens here also, but the DSM, the directory of this directory that comes out once a year

that identifies new conditions and so on. But the correlation between the growth of the pharmaceutical industry, the growth of, rather than things like, you know, having conversations, talking, diagnosing everything medically. Oh yeah, we have a name for everything, yeah. We have a name for everything. Yes, there is a name for everything.

Those people did exist when I say those people. You often hear people now, maybe their experience of life, I always had this feeling I was different. You know, when people talked that way, I had this sense of, and it's because they're then getting diagnosed in later life. Hey, animal lovers. Have you ever wondered what your fur baby is thinking? Or you just want to connect with your animal on a deeper level?

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I had that, let's see, in my mid-30s. I mean, and it was real. I mean, I was very stressed. I had kids in high school. I had a newborn. I was very stressed, and I had symptoms that was a mile long. And I remember bringing them to my doctor, saying these are all very, they were very real. So they said, okay, you have fibromyalgia.

Here, take all of these medications and this is something there's no cure so you'll have it the rest of your life well you know as i you know began my spiritual journey and learned how to use some tools like mindfulness and meditation and just being present like we started this conversation with i my symptoms started to fall off yeah yeah i have a friend uh who lives in berlin she suffers from fibromyalgia and same thing i mean in the sense that but the condition being traced to trauma that you've had in your life and doing what the things that you suggest you know i mean you find ways your own ways of being able to not only deal with the trauma that you've had whatever that that happens to be, but, you know, mindfulness or maybe yoga or sports.

You find ways. And rather than the simple option, which is simply to stick more tablets in you, there's one condition I can speak personally about. I have this blood condition, blood disorder called hemochromatosis. It's too much iron in the blood. It's known as the Celteltic curse it only affects people of this part of the world actually a very small interesting i think that's so interesting well it is because um up until my grandmother died from it it didn't exist then it didn't exist this is uh so it was unknown so it didn't have a name it didn't have a name. It didn't have a name, but the condition existed.

It always existed. And it's just too much iron in the blood. And eventually, if it's not detected, the iron eventually starts killing your organs. So you need to, if you've hit 60, you haven't been detected yet, then you could be in difficulties. So it's usually, it's a good thing to be tested for hemochromatosis simply because if you have this x-ray and it there's i mean you'll have the gene you're either a carrier what's known as a carrier or a sufferer and and it was actually my uh brother-in-law who he started to feel tired and stuff you know and he started to feel so he he did some kind of research on the

internet started to explore why this sort of the symptoms he was having. And he discovered hemochromatosis and then he got tested. He had it. And then I think most of his brothers have it. Did you ever find out like what the root was? It's what they call the Celtic curse, this Celtic gene. Was there a story behind it of why, you know, they were round iron or... I don't know.

I have no idea. I mean, I don't know that much in depth about it. All I know is it affects people. I think it affects people of a particular, you know, pale... Yeah. Okay. I think partly linked maybe coming from the Vikings as well when they came to Ireland. Well, that's what I was just about to mention.

And so my partner has Norwegian, not a hundred percent, but a lot. And there's that Viking disease, but it's called Dupuytren's contracture. It's where the hand starts to go in. And the story behind it is, is they were on the water all the time using their hands in this way. And he has it quite significantly. And many people have in his family who are on that Norwegian side. That's interesting. I wasn't aware of it. But then you're like, okay, that makes sense.

Yeah, it does. That's why I'm so interested. I'm like, much of my journey is about ancestry. So it's something that is my passion. But, you know, it's amazing what I learned about history and about, you know, even these sort of things, you know, these stories that have been passed down that makes sense. And there's also a lesson in that as well, in the sense of looking back and where you can trace things to, not just about specific conditions or whatever,

but the idea of how that influences, how that shapes, molds present iterations of human beings and how we came to be and so on. I'm quite interested in how we have evolved, you know, and actually as a species. And I use that deliberately. Yes, me too. As I got older, I started to really, really appreciate my elders and really want to pick their brains about all of the wisdom that they hold because they've seen so much they've gone through it and yes it was a different time for sure and some of them are like what is wrong with these young people they don't see eye to eye for sure but those negative patterns that

are passed down you have to make a change but you can't unless you're aware yeah this this is also true because in my book one of the lessons i talk about is knowing what your brain uh knowing your brain and knowing knowing i and i'm no expert on brains by the way knowing a little bit about the brain itself and then knowing how your own brain uh impacts you and affects you and how it influences you part of the interesting thing about that is when when people stop to think about it for a moment this is the cells that are passed on to your parents there's only like 14 different there's only 14 out of 6 million cells that are different from you than

your parents and there's only 14 cells out of their six but you know this and if you keep tracing tracing back you you you bring in the dna of generation after generation after generation after generation and if you think about it that way you know when all you often see it people argue about uh freedom and you know the freedom to decide and all that and i i find i find particularly in the last couple of years you know in terms of a lot of the conspiracy theories and people you know know, freedom and all this stuff. And I think no one is really free, actually, because we inherit the DNA of everyone. So at the very least, leaving aside the fact that, you know, people have drivers,

license, passports, you know, medical cards and everything, you know, there's a lot of freedoms that we think we have and we don't actually. That idea of being able to make freedom of choice is influenced by all the people whom we come from behind us our parents their parents their parents parents and parents parents parents parents and so on so all that dna has come with us we carry the baggage of dna of hundreds of thousands of generations you know we're going back whatever uh it is in terms of a couple of a few hundred thousand years we're now i think in the fourth iteration of our home and part of that is also realizing and appreciating the journey that uh humans human being has the current form of human being has been on what they bring with them and how often that we don't actually have full capacity to in terms of freedom of will freedom of choice you know i mean

because we're carrying so much with us from the past so i i find that really intriguing and that idea of checking back in with ancestors i find it more not even so much that for me it's more about a greater appreciation of that entire journey and getting to the point where i've almost come i've almost come to the point now where people are looking at me as the older person. I'm older than them. Yep. I've become the older person that I was looking at 30 years ago. So I'm now that person. It's the interesting bit for me really around that is I've become more aware,

more sensitized that just in recent times, you know, I mean, there's a guy very recently in town, the city I live in, well, I live just outside the city, but a man I knew and a colleague and a friend and someone who I didn't even know was ill, died of cancer recently, late 60s, still relatively young, and big loss, enormous loss. So the idea of what people, their presence, their contributions to life, how humanity is evolved. The legacy, yeah.

And the legacy gone long before he deserved to go. And it's a greater awareness and thinking about actually needing to appreciate people more in the here and now, be more present. We're always doing, doing, doing. We're not being, being, being. Because I really believe it's important to be in the mark in the moment and embrace and savor that moment because you know we never know when that we won't be around for any more moments so that that for me rather than looking back at that and i have an interest in history anyway but that idea of

appreciating where we've come from our journey as as humanity, as humans, as a species, because I think we also have to contextualise things. We're actually a species that share a planet with, you know, millions of other species, some that don't exist anymore, some that have been wiped out, some that have died out and so on. And I think we don't recognise and we don't appreciate enough the fact that we are a species. We probably, arguably, although sometimes that's questionable most intelligent species because the ability to think and the ability to make decisions and so on and so on but then as we started talking at the beginning in the current moment you think well these species these the ability to think there are other species that have less ability to think the difference between us and those species you know having that big

ego yeah this is another problem humanity is in terms of pride and ego and we're all guilty of that ego for sure and that's part of around actually what we talked also about expectation you know tailoring our expectation to

suit the moment to suit the person to suit the reality and then thinking we said a little bit too when we were younger we wanted to change the person to suit the reality and then thinking we said a little bit too when we were younger we wanted to change the world part of that is about ego thinking we can influence and make you know cause change and stuff and we should still endeavor to try and support change that is that is positive for humanity but we also the realization that as i get older i'm less worried about what I want to appear to be to others. One of my mantras these days is to try and be better than yesterday. And if everybody is living a little bit like that,

then things will be a little bit better, I think. But that idea of not always wanting to, and this might sound a little bit counterproductive or a little bit negative, not always wanting to achieve. And when I say that, because normally we measure achievement by goals and products and the car and so on. You know, I don't really care. Outcome driven. Yeah.

For me, the gift I offer not to people often, it's just time. I make time for people because it's the only real gift that I have and I want I want to do that rather than achieve and produce and the outcomes driven but you know I we all do things we plan projects we set ourselves little goals and that's fine but this idea where it's it's about you know the driven by the ego you know yes and you're busy busy busy I lived that life for so long especially as a parent you're so busy you're going in different directions you're busy, busy, busy. I lived that life for so long, especially as a parent, you're so busy. You're going in different directions. You're like a chicken with one leg in an ass kicking contest. But you know, my dad used to always say that. I felt that way most of my life. And I remember like not even remembering at the end of the day what I did.

I feel a lot like that these days, actually. And I have no kids and I'm like... as you get older the memory goes what did I do today I don't actually feel as if I've done a whole lot and I'm like you need some b12 b12 yes it's interesting you should say in terms of because I was I was saying about this feeling sitting at christening two days ago and and the parents and the kids the kids going a little bit crazy well i say crazy they were running and having fun and all that and this included my grandson the most the most non-vocal but the most uh energized and having a great sense of pride just watching being very energized dancing and jumping around and all that stuff and all the kids doing it as well i saw it over the years with when my kids were starting out with their kids

and them being really trying to be, particularly in my presence, and the times I'd have to say to them, you know, listen, don't worry. Don't panic. I'm not here to judge. Don't be. Just be. And I like the idea I can walk around now and look at other parents, younger parents, and not in some form of glee but thinking

yeah I'm glad my time is behind me and what I like about it now is I don't have that stress anymore I mean and it's different that I have the enjoyment and the pleasure because I because it's a great parenting it's the toughest job in the world it's tough you know and you're four you know this and I say and I've had it and it's gone it's passed and all that stuff you never stop being a parent of course but that idea of being able to be relaxed and as a grandparent and this comes naturally in a way but as a grandparent being different from a parent because the parent the pressure is on you to feel as if you're doing everything correct and if you kind of think about well hold on that's really about the expectations we have of ourselves of others we need to review that a little bit so yeah I mean it's for me that

idea of just sitting there in the christening it's wonderful kids are enjoying themselves but you can see the pressure that parents are on we're trying to make sure that kids are okay and they're not they're not about to throw themselves off the top of the table and things like this and watching it all unfold. I get really great joy as a grandparent now because it's a different relationship as a grandparent with grandkids than raising kids. But just your mindset changes and evolves and things that you would have stressed about

or I would have stressed about. Yeah, you know, I've over the last three years, and I thought it was maybe menopause. But now that you're saying this too, you know, I wish I think maybe men go through some sort of menopause as well. It's not called that. Maybe it's womanopause or I don't know. But there is a pause. That's what I found. And I don't know if you've experienced this, but as emotions come towards me, say someone's an emotions coming towards me

from someone else. It's like before it used to hit me and I used to just react. Now it's like, it like stays right outside of me and I get to like examine it. And I and I think, do I need to react to that? Like before I had no control. Yeah. Yeah. Where if they just came in and I just reacted. Now there's like this space.

And I've never had that before because I'm a very emotional person. And so, you know, reacting in emotion, not in anger ever, but usually just I'm a cry baby. But so and I still am in some way, but there is still there's there's the space in between where I get to analyze and choose how I'm going to react. Yeah, I think I think it just comes with age, you know. And I think it's just something you slowly, you start to have thoughts about what is it I need to react to? Why do I need to react? Why am I reacting? Like, why am I getting, allowing this to?

And it's like that. It's a choice. Like you said earlier, it's a choice. Yeah, it is. I mean, sometimes you've made the choice and you're in it before you realize, you know, I mean, I why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why did I why did I even get into it before I got into it? So I think it's it's also as it was, but it's like opinions, you know, know. We react to opinions often, but they are just that. They are just opinions. And that does not make them right.

It doesn't mean they're morally or ethically correct or anything. They're just opinions. One of the ways I often try to, over the years, was just to simply think that if people are expressing opinion, it's like, okay, thank you. Thank you for your opinion. And that's it because that's what we are. And because that person will also become older

and then they'll become less opinionated. I mean, people have often accused me of being opinionated. I certainly was much more opinionated when I was younger. And people ask me about certain things. I have opinions opinions of course this is human um but i'm less inclined not to worry too much uh about the opinions it's like people you know people will say and talk anyway so you you have a choice you can either choose to go after it um or you can say okay it's an opinion and it is what it is. Unless it has a direct impact on you,

it's going to change something at a particular moment where you might need to respond. The reality for me is it's, no, it's an opinion. That's okay. As a friend of mine once said to me, pick your battles, know which one you're going to step into. As a youth worker and as all youth workers will feel this, they feel obliged at times to jump in and step in and sometimes you have to find yourself is is this the right moment

or do I do I get another moment somewhere else where I know maybe I can have a chat with that person elsewhere and there's times when I've jumped in and I've got the timing wrong and I've had to reflect on that and that's only because part of it was the desire to try and create the change, you know, make a difference. And that was partly ego as well. And it's more about timing. It's more about thinking through what you can do in a particular moment. And that's about expectation. Well, let me ask you, what is the name of your book again?

It's 50 years 50 years 50 lessons a middle-aged man's suggestions for not fecking things up I'm 52 now but so I kind of did it over COVID and maybe just the time I was actually working on another book which for different reasons I had to park for a little while and I didn't want to lose the momentum so I I then says okay I take the momentum and the onus from what I'm that book and I didn't want to lose the momentum so I then says okay I take the momentum and the onus from what I'm that book and I then channel it into this one and I was I hadn't hit 50 I hadn't hit 50 yet and the actual book started it is 50 years 110 lessons but 110 signed just didn't roll off the tongue as well so it was uh 50 years 50 lessons. And yeah, so it rolled much better, I think, anyway,

in my humble opinion. And so a little time has passed, but this is also for different reasons as well. And so, yeah, that's worked out. I've gone back to currently working on the other book that I hope to finish by the end of this year. And that'll be called uh in a not so obvious plug uh it'll be called nothing is black or white which is really a bike this is

like nothing is black or white it's everything's a little bit great it is so true it is and this is it kind of builds a little bit on the idea of the lessons it lessons in life teaches expectations are always a particular way. Then we, you know, we'll always have conflict because we expect things. If we start to tailor them because not everything is black or white. So it builds on that. But during COVID, I was partly using the time to keep myself busy and active. This is how I applied some of my energy into it. And it actually was finished almost a year ago.

It's basically released already. It was released on the 27th of October. If they search Fergal Bar and 50 Years 50 Lessons, they'll find the book. And they can order it in any good bookstore as well. Do you have social media? Yes, I'm Fergal Martin Bar. That's on Facebook.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's very nice that you invited me. It was lovely to meet you and hear a little bit about you as well. And the sign behind you, you know, it starts the tone. It's totally fitting.

It's totally fitting, particularly in this moment. But it's fitting all the time anyway. Agree. Yeah. Thank you so much. It was so nice to meet you. Thanks for listening to Sense of Soul Podcast.

And thanks to our special guests for joining me. If you want more of Sense of Soul, check out my website at www.mysenseofsoul.com where you can work with me one-on-one or help support Sense of Soul Podcast by donating to my coffee fund. Thanks for listening.