Sense of Soul - The Ego Cleanse

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

This episode was so much fun! We had on Randy Haveson the host of “Becoming Your Own Best Friend Podcast” an author of The Ego Cleanse: Becoming Your Own Best Friend. We chat about how to ditch that ego and have a better self esteem and living more from the soul! We really enjoyed Randy, his amazing positive vibes and he is one GREAT story teller, had us on the edge of our seats!!  As an amazing listener of Sense of Soul, you can take his workshop on his website for only $10! Visit his website below to check that out, order his book and learn more about Randy.  Randyspeaks.com We also have a promo going on as well, go to our menu under online classes and put in promo ENTER777 to do the 777 Chakra Journey, 7 day class www.mysenseofsoul.com

Welcome to the Sense of Soul podcast. We are your hosts, Shanna and Mandy. Grab your coffee, open your mind, heart, and soul. It's time to awaken. Today on Sense of Soul, we have Randy Havison. He is a perfect guest to have on because he has turned his pain into purpose. He is what Shanna and I call a soul survivor. He is 36 years sober from drugs and alcohol. He went from wanting to take his own life to now dedicating his life to helping others. He is a public speaker who has traveled to many businesses, high schools and colleges to share his story and to teach others how they can build self-esteem. At one point, he had his own private practice and was a therapist. He has a BA in psychology and an MA in

counseling. He went from getting kicked out of schools to being asked to work as an administrator for colleges. He is a life coach, a father, and a husband. You honestly could not align more with Shanna and I and what we put out on our podcast and as humans, because you talk about self-love. You talk about getting out of your own way. We are so excited to have you. Rumor has it you're really fucking funny. Oh, now the pressure's on. Yeah. Welcome. I am so honored to be here. This is going to be so much fun. You know, I get a lot of these

podcast requests to be on shows. And when I saw yours and I did my research, I just got so excited. So I am thrilled to be here with you guys. You just rock. I love the work you're doing. So important right now. Thank you. Likewise. I always know what I'm going to get with people who are sober.

I'm going to get someone who's raw, who speaks truth, who just tells it how it is. That's why I was so stoked to have you on because I'm the same way. We just, we get each other. And Shanna and I, our very first episode was on self-love. Our truck represents self-love. We believe that the first step to shifting and to healing and to changing and defining your purpose always starts with self-love. So our third episode was soul versus ego.

Nice. I incorporate self-esteem versus ego because I see those two as being on opposite ends of a continuum. So where our society tells us that ego and self-esteem are the same thing, that if you live in a certain zip code, if you look a certain way, you have a certain number on a scale, then that gives you more worth than other people. But I realize that that's total, total bullshit, that our society is selling us this lie. And the truth is that ego and self-esteem are opposites. One has nothing to do with the other.

But I believe that soul is incorporated within self-esteem. The more you exercise that spiritual part of yourself, the more your self-esteem enhances. So soul is definitely a part of self-esteem. And I find that the closer you get to ego and away from self-esteem, the less soulful you become. Back in the day, I thought ego was just a cocky, narcissist person. Through my own journey, realized that there are a lot of people in this world that want you to judge them by their outside.

You know, they can't go outside without full face of makeup. They have to drive a certain type of car, even though they can barely afford it. So that's the ego. When you define yourself by outside qualities, that's ego. You know, I know people who have more money than they know what to do with, but they have no idea who they are. And I also know people who have a lot of money who are very confident in who they are. So it's not about having money, your ego, it's about how you define yourself, whether it's

through those outside things or through the inside things. The reason why I want to sell 5 billion of my workshops and memberships and books and all that is because I want to be a major philanthropist. And if I have a bunch of money, I'm going to be able to help a lot of people. It's not going to change me at all. I'm still going to have my part-time job at Disney. And I'm still going to live in a nice house, but I'm not going to like fill it with all these things that's not necessary. So it's about learning how to define yourself by who you are and doing that internal journey.

But it's hard for most people to do. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it's easy to raise your self-esteem and let go of your ego because it's not, but it is so worth the journey. Once you do it, it's awesome. You were brought up with a pretty stable family. You lived in an amazing area of California in Beverly Hills. You got a sports car when you were 16. You had a condo in Maui and your parents were pretty well off. Yeah. I'm so proud of my dad. You know, when we moved from Minnesota to California when I was four, I think he had 300 bucks in his pocket and a beat up Chevy and no job and no home in California. It's like, let's just go out there and make a life for ourselves. Through his hard work and being put in the right position

with the right people, he started doing investments in commercial multifamily properties and it just took off. I mean, he invested in real estate in LA in the 60s and 70s. So he's done very well for himself. So he always said, I'm going to give you what I never had. So even though I had all this stuff on the outside, on the inside, I was miserable. I had no idea who I was. You know, I wasn't the smartest one. So I didn't fit in with the academic kids. I wasn't the best at sports. So I didn't fit in with the jocks.

I didn't fit in with the social group because I was never into all the fancy clothes and all the labels and all that. It just wasn't who I was. So I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. So, you know, when I found alcohol and drugs in my teen years, it was like, oh, yeah, this is a place where I belong. And that's how I got started there. And then just through, you know, genetics and social factors and psychological factors, I became addicted. And that became my life for a number of years. And, you know, I'm one of the

lucky ones that made it out because I know plenty of people who didn't and people who are still stuck in that same little hole and they don't know how to get out. I'm like, no, here's how you get out. And they're like, no, it's scary. It's like, well, yeah, but it's better out here. But taking those first steps is so difficult. But I am here to tell you, and you're proof of this too, that once you take those steps and start getting out of that hole, there's a whole new life out there. And it is amazing. My addiction and your addiction both brought us to a very dark place of not wanting to live. From the outside, everything looked great, but that hole in your soul was just so dark. One of the things that I've realized is that there's a huge difference between being sober

and being in recovery. And ego is about sober. You know, you've seen people in meetings who are like, I'm 20 years sober and I can spout every word out of the big book. And they sit in the same seat. They spew the same things every week. And it's like, you know, even when I was a newcomer, I was like, I don't want what he has. I want more than that. And I realized that recovery is not about time. It's not about how many paragraphs you can quote out of a big book. It's not about, you know, now I have a job and I have a, no, it's about how do you feel about that person looking back at you in the mirror when you wake up in the morning? That's what it's about.

And recovery is about doing the work to overcome all that stuff that got you there. So you never have to go back there again. Love that. Yeah. And that's where self-esteem versus ego comes from too. You know, when you get into recovery, you're just going to get some self-esteem along with it. When you do the work, you're going to start to feel that and start to see that transformation.

And that's what makes it so worthwhile. And then that almost becomes addicting. It's like, wow, I feel like I'm a three rather than a negative seven. I want to feel like a four. And then it just kind of motivates you to want to do more. And then you hang out with people that are on that same journey and that same path. And that's when, you know, I finally wrote my book, The Ego Cleanse, which was really hard to do because I am severely ADD. So to sit there and write a book was really, yeah, I know, right?

Yeah. Yes. So it was so hard. But what I learned is I don't have to do this journey alone. So I found a ghostwriter. I reached out for help. And I found a ghostwriter. She was amazing.

And I was able to write my book. And, you know, I talked to people who were like, you need to add more pages. And it should be 250 pages. And I'm like, no, I don't want fluff in the book. I just want it to be what it is. And I want to teach people how to build self-esteem, let go of their ego, feel better about who they are, create a community of people who are doing the same thing and raising their self-esteem, feeling better about who they are, loving themselves, becoming their own best friend, which is one of my, the things I love to say. In fact, let me know. I love to send you guys

t-shirts. I have a t-shirt that says best friend with an arrow pointed up. Because that's your podcast name. Yeah. Becoming your own best friend. Yeah. The one I liked was the t-shirt that said, I think it said, we over me. I love that. Do you want that one instead? I'll send you that one if you want that one. Because again, here we are in this, you know, today we see so many messages of ego out there. And I want to shift that to being self-esteem and ego is about me, where self-esteem is about we. I mean, of course, you know, on the airplane, you put your own mask on first, but that allows you to go out and help others. So if you're taking care of you, now you have the energy to go take care of other people.

So I noticed that if you look at the word we, and you put me right under it, the W and the M are mirrors of each other. So it's we over me. And that's kind of the thing that I want to get out there that when we over, Hey, if you want to sell these in your truck you can do that too yeah yes I know right yeah so you talking about that mirror that made me think about something that I always think about when I think of self-love is that how you see yourself in the mirror is what you're reflecting out to the world And they're going to treat you like you're treating that person in the mirror. Yes. Yes. No matter what kind of facade you want to put on,

you know, if you hang out with facade people, sure, everyone's going to feel comfortable. But when you're around real people, they see right through that. Right through you. Right through it. And it's funny, you know, these days I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror and, you know, my eyes are puffy and my hair's all over the place. And the first thing I do is I smile at myself.

And it's like, oh, my God, what a beautiful gift to be able to do that. Because it used to be, you know, you know, those days where I couldn't even brush my teeth because it meant I might make eye contact. I hated the person looking back at me in the mirror. And today it's the total opposite. How did you get there? That's the hard part. You know, some of my mentors that I found when I first got sober, one of them, I don't remember which one, he said, how long did you drink and use? I said, nine years. He said, so give yourself nine years to get back to like a baseline. It's going to take you that long to do your work to get back. And that was about what it took.

And after that, it was like all gravy. It's like, geez, man, this is pretty wild. But yes, it's difficult to do. And the analogy that I use a lot, it's kind of like if you woke up today and said, I want to run a marathon. If I attempted to run a marathon. If I attempted to run 26 miles today, I'd get like three blocks and I'd pass out. But if I want to run a marathon, I start by walking around the block. And then maybe I'll walk around two blocks. And then a

couple weeks later, maybe I can jog part of it. And then I work myself up after a few months to doing a 5k. And then a couple months later, I can do a 10k. And after a few months to doing a 5k and then a couple months later I can do a 10k and then a few months after that I can do a half marathon so self-esteem isn't a switch that you just flip and and it happens so it takes time to build those muscles in order to get to the place where you're feeling better about who you are but once people get to that 5k it's like yeah now I want to do a 10k you find that motivation along the way and that's what i want to help people do is give them the tools to start the journey but i am not able to do it for them you know that's why it's self-esteem but once you have self-esteem

no one can give it to you and no one can take it away. People can take away ego or give you ego. Oh my God, you look so cute today. Oh my God, you think that that really matches and your ego is destroyed, right? But when you're high in self-esteem, no one can take that away from you. You know, I could get an email after this. Oh my God, that was the worst podcast I ever heard. I'm like, oh, I'm so glad. I'm so sorry you didn't enjoy it. I hope you get something out of the next one because it's not a reflection of me. It's a reflection of my message. And some people just don't resonate with it. And a lot of people do.

So that's what I want to find. That's why I love being on shows like yours. Like when I was listening to your episodes, I'm like, yes, this work like so in tune with our vibrations of the message that we want to put out there. So yeah, I just, I love doing this. It's, I mean, isn't just, isn't this the coolest? It's the best for selfish reasons. I've been incredibly grateful for it too, because during this entire weird 2020, sometimes I get sucked into the negativity of the world. And then every week when I get to talk to someone like you,

I'm reminded that there are beautiful lightworkers all over the world and that everything's going to be fine. Exactly. And when we work together, we get to grow that message even more. In fact, have you ever heard of the 100th monkey phenomenon? I've heard of it. Whether it's a myth or reality, who knows? But here's the story.

Over in Indonesia, there were some people that noticed that monkeys were digging out sweet potatoes and eating them, but they were getting sick because they were eating all the dirt and everything that was on the sweet potato. So they tried to teach the monkey to wash the sweet potato in the river, and then you'd get all the dirt off and be able to eat it. And they attempted with all these monkeys to teach them, and the old ones didn't want to have anything to do with it. And finally, this younger monkey one time watched the person wash off the sweet potato and gave it to him. The monkey ate it and was like, whoa. So the monkey would then go and wash off the sweet potato before it ate it. And other monkeys started to watch and they're like, what?

So some of the other younger monkeys went over and started washing their sweet potato before they ate it. Now, all of a sudden, all these monkeys started to wash their sweet potatoes before they ate it. He's saying like me too. Exactly. Yes. So then after about 99 monkeys were starting to do that, the hundredth monkey went and washed off the sweet potato and started eating it. And then all of a sudden, over in Bali, monkeys started washing sweet potatoes before they ate it.

Monkeys around the world started to wash their sweet potatoes. The consciousness of the monkeys shifted. Yes. When enough of them shifted their consciousness, it created a worldwide change. It's like some quantum physics shit. Yes. Yes, absolutely. So what we get to do together with the work that we do and the people that are listening and you know oh how cool would it be if a listener out there says you know what i love their message i think i can do this too and they start doing a podcast and they call you to be a guest on their podcast and call me and then all of a sudden this message in this frequency of resonance starts to shift everything

so we need enough people sharing this message so that we can shift the consciousness of the world. I have two comments on this. One, I can't believe it. And let's teach the younger group. Let's teach these younger generations the tools. I mean, they got to go through it because going through struggle is a positive thing and that they need to see too. But at least if they have the tools that we didn't have, then maybe they could do this at 20 instead of 40. And what you said about the young monkey,

it's the younger generation that's going to make that change. Yeah. And it's happening because if you look at what's going on, like with the Black Lives Matter movement, it's the younger people who are really taking charge of this. And I watched the Laker game last night and at the national anthem, every single player and coach took a knee. It used to be Colin Kaepernick was called out oh my god how can you be so disrespectful but unfortunately George Floyd had to die for us to kind of get this thing that it's not a matter of being unpatriotic it's a matter of saying hey something's wrong and we need to change this so it's funny my daughter is 15 years old she is such a strong advocate and activist for the Black Lives Matter movement.

And when she's on her little social media stuff and someone says something, she like pounces. It's awesome. I love to see that. These kids are really starting to see that things haven't been right and they need to shift. I am very hopeful for this generation. I really feel like this whole COVID thing is like a pause button because it's like we're heading towards some serious shit that's going down. That's really not good. Let's pause this, kind of take matters into, you know, look at what's going on. And again, we're seeing the ego people.

I don't need to wear a mask. We're seeing the people. I'm just going to take care of me. I don't have to worry about you. We're seeing that that is dying off. And this new energy of we never knew monkeys ate yams. I thought for sure if it was made up, it would have been about bananas. Second of all, the alcoholic in me started singing in my head, 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. You're talking about the hundred monkeys. Third of all, I wanted to share a story. I had a very hard time with Kaepernick and the kneeling. And I will tell you why. And talk about a huge awakening.

My brother died for the flag. He was in the army and he was killed in Iraq in 2007. So I realized I was letting my own pain block the message. And talk about a major wake up call because when I removed myself and my ego and could have true empathy for another person and see it through their eyes, that's when I was so grateful for what he had done and respected it. Yeah. It doesn't dishonor your brother at all. It supports his message and what he sacrificed him for. It's about freedom for all people.

We the people, all the people. And that's what he sacrificed his life for. And I'm really sorry for your loss. I mean, it's tragic whenever you hear those stories. Just that message of right now, we all need to remove ourselves out of our own pain and our own ego, be the bigger picture of what's going on. Absolutely.

And that's why what you're doing here is so important and why I really want this ego cleanse movement to kind of take off. I love it. Yeah. You know, I have a Facebook page for the ego cleanse and I want people to get it and share your successes and the things that aren't going well so you can get support from others. Let's do this together. But also just awareness of being present is very important and being able to pause. We were just talking about as a country, but just being able to be present, trying to decide, is this coming from the ego or is this

coming from my soul or is this mine? Is this your shit? Is this my shit? There's just that awareness piece. How do you feel about that? Oh, I'm fully in agreement with that. Part of this looking at ego and self-esteem as being opposites, what that allows us to do once we know that that's what it is, when something comes up or something happens, we go, oh, wow, where is this on the continuum? You know, is this more of an ego thing? You know, like you were able to say, I realized that that came from an ego place, not an esteem place. So now that you know the definition, you can place things on that. You know, one of the things I also talk about, it doesn't matter to me so much where you are on that continuum.

What matters more is which direction you're pointed in. You know, are you doing things today that are reinforcing your ego? Or are you working real hard to let go of that and working towards a higher sense of self-esteem? But when something comes up during the day, you can evaluate, wow, is this an esteemable act? Or is this purely out of my own ego? So now that you're able to see that now you can really evaluate and you know, the book and my workshop and all that is meant to help people give them the tools so that they can raise their consciousness and raise their self esteem level so that they're more aware of what's going on. Love it. Yeah. Thank you.

Would you say self esteem and self love are the same thing? Oh yeah. You know, I think these words have been given definitions that aren't true to the words. Right. Because we, we have them connected with each other, ego and self-esteem. But some of the differences that I talk about is ego is cocky. Self-esteem is confident, but people who are big in ego see confident as cocky. But again, if I know that it comes from a place of confidence, no one can go, you're really cocky. It's like, I can see how you would think that. But I know that it's not. Another huge difference. Oh, Mandy, you're going to like

this one. The difference between humility and humiliation. The same thing happens to two people. One of them is humiliated by it. One is humbled by it. The ego, I'm humiliated. Oh my God, what are people going to think? How is this going to look for me? Whereas I'm humbled by this. Wow, I made a mistake, but I want to learn from this so that I don't do it again. Huge difference. Same thing happens to two people. One is humility. That's self-esteem. One is humiliation. That's ego. I love it. Wow. I love that. Yeah. One of your favorite quotes is one of mine. What other people think of us is none of our business. Love that one. Yeah, I know, right? I used to go to conferences and I'd do a presentation. And I'd get evaluations afterwards.

And I'd look through them. And, you know, back in the olden days, you know, let's say I got 100 evaluations. 80 of them were saying, oh, my God, this is really great. You changed my life. I got so much out of this. 15 would be, eh, I've heard it before. And five would say, oh, my God, that sucked. That was the worst presentation. It was a total waste of my time. And I'd go, oh, my God, I've heard it before. And five would say, oh my God, that sucked. That was the worst

presentation. It was a total waste of my time. And I'd go, oh my God, they didn't like me. I need to change this. I'm like, wait a minute. This is five out of a hundred. 80 of them said, this is great. Why would I want to change just to make five people happy? If I make them happy now, 80 people are going, whoa, where's Randy? So I don't, you know, if it's the other way around, sure, I have some changes to make. You know, my behavior early in my sobriety, I had a lot of people that I respect to say, Randy, you can't do that anymore. That's not cool. You can't talk about, they're not chicks, they're women. I was like, oh, okay. And I had to learn how to respect other people, but it came from respecting myself first. Once I did that, then I could respect other people. So now it's about letting

people be who they are. I mean, it's really difficult with some people to, you know, when they support certain people or do certain things, I have a really tough time with that, but that's my issue. I'm not here to say I have perfect self-esteem because I don't. I still am working on this just like everybody else. And I don't know if I'll ever attain pure self-esteem. I think maybe in the history of man, there'd be been maybe a handful of people who've achieved that, like Mother Teresa or Gandhi or Jesus. But other than that, I am so not in that category. I still have ego stuff flare up and it's okay. I allow myself to make mistakes. I don't beat myself up for it. You know, one of the things I talk about also is treating yourself like your own best friend.

Yes. My best friend said something that I didn't agree with. Do I say, oh my God, you're such an idiot. I can't believe you said that. You're saying, no, I'd say, you know what? I didn't really like the way you said that. And you would be kind and gentle and considerate. So be that way with yourself rather than getting on yourself. So it's treating yourself like your own best friend. So it seems like we're able to maybe reach people who are at rock bottom, right? Because there's only one way up from there. But how do we help the crazy ego person? Okay, now we're talking about the total opposite end of the continuum.

Without any self-esteem whatsoever. What do we do about these people? What we do with those people is we just be kind and patient and be examples to them. And it's tough. It's really hard when you see someone who's being so ego driven. And when you have this new awareness, it's like, you know, they're still not washing the sweet potato off. And you're like, dude, just put it in the river, you'll be so but we're not able to reach everybody. We resonate at different frequencies. And some people just don't harmonize with us. And that's okay.

They harmonize somewhere else. And we just have to do our best to reach the people who want to be reached. You go after the young kids, and I bet your parenting has totally changed. I know mine has. So yeah, teaching all these tools from a very young age, that's huge. Yeah, but that's why I love working with college students too, is because they're in that learning mode and they're looking for finding out who they are and where they fit and what's going on.

And I love giving them that message. You know, when I was working in college counseling centers, these kids would come in like, hey, you did a presentation of my fraternity. I wanted to come talk to you. It's like, yeah, what's going on? Well, you know, I'm supposed to be a lawyer because my dad's a lawyer. My mom's a lawyer. My grandfather's a lawyer.

And I'm supposed to be a lawyer. It's like, well, what do you want to do? He said, I really want to be an artist. I said, so it's going to be really, really hard. But you need to figure out, do you have a portfolio? He said, yeah. I said, can you bring it in next time? He said, yeah.

He brought it in. He was so talented. It was like, oh, my God. I said, can you bring it in next time? He said, yeah. He brought it in. He was so talented. It was like, oh my God. I said, show this to your family and say, this is what I want to be. And even if you have to do it on your own, they might resist, but hopefully they will love you enough to let you forge your own path. The bummer is I don't know what happened. I don't know if he actually did it or not, but that's what I want to teach these young folks. It's not about how much money you make. It's not about what kind of car you drive. It's about how you feel about yourself first thing in the morning when you wake up. It starts with then, you know, and shifting yourself and then hoping that people across the country are picking up the yam and washing it off. Absolutely. You choose the world's

path or like your parents' path. I mean, you are literally choosing the path of resistance. Yep. Have you ever read the book Illusions by Richard Bach? Oh, that book changed my life. That was the first one. And there's a story at the beginning of Illusions where it talks about there are these creatures

on the bottom of a river and their life is clinging to the rocks at the bottom of the river. And one day, one of them says, what would happen if I let go? And the other creature's like, no, you can't let go. If you let go, you're going to be crashed on the rocks and you're going to die. Our life is clinging, just cling. And he thought, you know what? You know what she said? I'm going to make it a sheet. She said, you know what? I'm tired of my life of clinging. I'm going to let go. And she let go. And all the others were like, no, what are you doing? They're freaking out. And she let go and she rose. And all of a sudden,

she was tumbled through the current. And yeah, she was bruised by some rocks. And then all of a sudden, she was free and floating through the river, looking at all these wondrous things around her that she didn't even know existed because her whole life before that was clinging. And now she could see all these things. And at one point she was passing by these other creatures who said, look, a creature like us, and she's free. How did you do it? And she said, just let go. And the whole world is out here for you. And they said, no, we can't do that. We'll die.

No, you won't. Just let go. And then pretty soon she was gone. And the creatures then created story about this creature who passed by them, but was free. So sometimes the trick in life is to just let go. Get out of that relationship that's not working for you. Get rid of the drinking and the smoking and whatever that's not working for you get rid of the drinking and the smoking and whatever that's not working for you anymore let go and yes you're going to get tumbled on the rocks for a

while but then you'll be free oh that was really good wow i've never done that on one of these before okay it was so fucking good that i was like i felt like a little kid in a like kindergarten class looking up at my teacher like, then what happened? Then what happened? It's one of my favorite things to do. I love telling stories. For someone right now who's really struggling with being insecure and feeling stuck, you know, I think that very first step is the hardest one to make in your book do you give out steps and what would you say that step one is yes I do give out steps um because I again I'm a no fluff kind of guy and and I don't believe in just adding things to add things so everything in there is meant to do that the first thing is to take a look at where are you on that continuum between ego and self-esteem. You know, take that honest assessment. You know, are you more concerned about what other people think of you than you are about how you

feel about yourself? Are you doing things in your life that are reinforcing your ego? You know, oh, I feel so miserable about everything in my life. Everything's falling apart. Well, where's that one thing you can be grateful for? I think that one of the keys, two of the keys actually to building self-esteem are gratitude and service. If you're in service to somebody or helping out in some way, it gets you out of self. It's a self-esteem type thing. When you can find something to be grateful for. So I have people make a gratitude list. What are the things you're grateful? I'm not grateful for anything. Do you have find something to be grateful for, so I have people make a gratitude

list. What are the things you're grateful for? I'm not grateful for anything. Do you have a roof over your head? Well, yeah. Did you have breakfast today? Well, yeah. Do you have shoes to put on your feet? Well, yeah. Are you a smart person? Well, yeah. Okay. So there are some things you can be grateful for. Start looking for the positives rather than continually looking at the negatives. So that's a good starting point. Another thing I like to do is to have people look at what are their obstacle words. I think we'd all agree that life gives us hurdles, but what we tend to do is we take those hurdles and we turn them into walls. And a wall is much more difficult to get over than a hurdle is so if we let our

hurdles be hurdles we can get over them because I feel like we're also given the tools we need to get over those hurdles yeah so we use different words that turn those hurdles into walls words like I can't I can't quit drinking really well you just turn that hurdle into a wall because it it's not, I can't, it's I'm not ready to, or I'm afraid to, or I don't know how. So then it's about finding the tools in order to get over that. But can't, you know, I can't lose these last 10 pounds. Well, do you really want to? Well, really? No? I mean, I say that all the time. I live in Orlando.

I'm in the land of churros and Mickey bars. I mean, it's really hard. But if I wanted to, absolutely, I could do it. But the truth is, I don't want to. It's not, oh, I can't lose these last 10 pounds. So that people, oh, no, you look fine. You look really good. No, that's an ego thing.

So no, it's keep it within yourself. So can't is one of those words that I suggest people just take out of the vocabulary. Should is another one of those. I should exercise more. I should eat better. I should do this. I should do that. I should, should, all we end up doing is shooting all over ourselves. And should is like a metal sledgehammer that we hit ourselves over the head with it's self-defeating so get that word out it's not i should exercise more do i want to yeah you know what i think i do what do we need an ego for you know what i've never been asked

that question before and that is an awesome question do you know the story of the white wolf and the black wolf? Yes. Yes. Okay. Oh, no, no. Tell me a story. We're sitting down in front of you. Go ahead. Okay. Here we go. One day, little boy wakes up and goes in. Grandfather, grandfather, I had this terrifying dream last night. And the grandfather says, what happened? Said, well, there was this white wolf and this black wolf, and they were just tearing each other apart. It was such a bloody battle. And it was just horrific to watch. And the grandfather said, well, what happened in the dream? And he said, I don't know. I woke up before I know which one won the battle. He said, which one won? He said, well, let me tell you what this is really about. Inside of you, you have a white wolf and a black wolf. And the white

wolf is about love and decency and honor and respect. And the black wolf is about fear and anger and sadness. And you have these both inside of you. And they're always battling with each other constantly. And the boy says, well, how do you know which one wins? And the grandfather said, whichever one you feed. So which one do you want to feed? But here's the part of the story a lot of people don't know. And I don't know if you know this one or not, Mandy. Afterwards, it says, but do not starve the black wolf. You have to feed it every now and then. A starving animal will lash out even worse and more violently. Make sure the black wolf is fed to the point where it's okay, but feed the white wolf more. But do not neglect the black wolf.

Dude, my daughter would love your podcast she says that no one no kid's gonna listen to ours because we cuss too much she's eight and so i'm gonna give her your podcast okay i'm gonna start doing it again i'll start next you know what i should really do that no i can't i don. No. Next week during my podcast again. So thank you. White wolf, a hamburger. Yeah. And give the fries to the black wolf. Oh, I love it.

So when you say, is there any value in the ego? I'm not going to say no. Cause you know, when we do things like this podcast and speaking, there's some ego involved in that, you know, I mean, there has to be, it's just always that intention and awareness around it. Absolutely. And you know, like my sponsor used to say, what's your motive? What's the motive behind that? Why did you do that? What's the motive? And you know, the spiritual part of self, one of the things that I do, and I talk about this in the workshop and in my book, in order to build self-esteem, it's about exercising and nourishing the four parts of self in a healthy way. The physical, the mental, the emotional, and the spiritual.

And it's important not to overcompensate for one because of a lack in another. Alex, what's your hope for the world? What's the hope for my love with you wanting to make this a massive movement? That is the goal that I see us living in this ego based society and this ego based world. When you look at all the conflicts that are out there, the wars, the domestic violence, the bullying, the addiction, political, you know, all of that stuff. It's ego based and it's not self-esteem based so my mission what I'm really looking to do and I don't like little small goals this is a big goal I want us to have a more self-esteem based society you know I want to see two teams battle it out and

then at the end you know I love when they can shake hands with each other. Hey, good game. Because it wasn't about really who won. It was about let's do the best we can. I think if we had a more self-esteem based world, there'd be no war. There wouldn't be famine. We'd find a way to feed people. We would find a way to do this. It's not about I want more for me. It's like, let's share this with other people. If I, you know, if I have $30 million, I'm giving away 29 of it. You know, it's, you know, one of my major goals is I want to be a philanthropist for foster kids. You know, this is a population in our society that they didn't cause the situation they're in. This was done to them for whatever reason that their parents were in the situations they were. And a lot of them have very low self-esteem. And I want to help them to raise their self-esteem. And even though foster kids get free tuition to college, they don't get help with their housing and their food and books and all the

other things. So my foundation, once I get to that point where I can do one is to provide housing and their food and books and all the other things. So my foundation, once I get to that point where I can do one, is to provide housing and food, like a dormitory almost, for foster kids, wherever they want to go to school to help them to do that. And I want to give them my book. And I might even put that on my website. If you're a foster kid, I want to give you a book. I want to give you the workshop. Just because you were born into a situation that really sucked, that doesn't mean you suck. That means you have potential and you can really make something of your life. Your starting point does not define your end point. Loved how you said that you believe that not feeling good enough is the most deadly pandemic known to man. Yeah, absolutely.

That not good enough, because we're always comparing. Anytime you compare you to somebody else, that's ego. Anytime you compare you with anyone else, that's ego. Because if you compare yourself with someone else and you feel like you're better than them, ego. You compare yourself to someone else and feel you're not as good as them, ego. The reality is we have two pandemics going on in our world right now, big time. And you're right. I do think that that is probably the worst of the two. Yep. I agree. You're the immunization

to it. No, no, no, no. You know what? We are the immunization to that. We're the monkeys. Yeah. Hey, hey, we're the monkeys. Yes. See, that's the whole thing. It's about we. It's not about me. It's about the message. You know what? I just want to take a moment to say you have done a lot of shit with your pain.

I mean, seriously, I was like, MA, BA. He was a life coach. He was, had his own private practice. He wrote two books. He travels and he's been on Ted talks and he works at Disney world. Hello. It's awesome. Yeah. Good for you. Oh, do you want to hear the coolest story of all about my Disney song? You have to start off with Once Upon a Time. Okay.

Once Upon a Time. I moved to the land of Orlando. And I thought, if I'm going to live here, I want to work for the mouse. Yes. And I thought, well, what do I want to do? I thought, okay, it's Florida. I don't want to be outside. So I'm not working in a parking lot. I don't want to work at midnight, what do I want to do? I thought, okay, it's Florida. I don't want to be outside. So I'm not working in a parking lot.

I don't want to work at midnight. What do I want? And I thought, oh, I'm a Disney Vacation Club member. I wonder if I could drive a van for DVC. So I applied for a job and I got the job. I'm a van driver. So I drive people from the parks or the resorts over to the DVC sales center. And after their tour, I take them back

to the park or to the resort. And I get to talk to them about Disney and Disney Vacation Club and where are you from? It is so much fun meeting these people. I love the people who get in my van. I bet they love you. It's so much fun. And one time I had a mom, dad, and a little boy in the van. And we were talking and I said, so how old are you? He said, I'm seven. I had a mom, dad, and a little boy in the van and we were talking and I said, so how old are you? He said, I'm seven. I said, oh, seven's such a great age. What grade are you in? He said, I'm in first grade. I said, do you like school? Oh, I love school. I'm going to go all the way for my master's degree. I said, wow, that's great. I said, you know, I have a master's degree. And he went, what? You have a master's degree in van driving?

Yeah. From his perspective, I'm a van driver. That's interesting. And some of the people who get in the van, it's like, oh, I'm not going to talk to you. You're just a van driver. You know, it's funny to see the attitude. That reminds me of one of your favorite stories that you said on one of your, I think it was a YouTube or your TEDx about people's perspective towards a janitor and a CEO. Yeah. I love that story because our society has made us think that one is worth more than the other, just based on this title. When we moved here, we built a new house and every day I would come by the house and the electricians would be there. I'm

like, oh my God, you guys, thank you so much for the work you're doing. Can I buy you lunch today? They're like, what? Yeah, do you want pizza or Wendy's? Pizza, okay, what kind do you want? And I would buy him pizza and then the plumbers would come

and I'd buy them lunch and I'd bring water and all this stuff. And I remember our realtor came by the construction site one day and said, I don't know what's going on at your house. I have never seen a construction site that clean before. Like, wow. Cool.

And when you're nice to people, it just comes back to you. I wasn't expecting anything. Right. It always blows me away, like with teachers. I mean, we should value them so much. They take care of our children all day long they should be paid probably more than anybody else as much as doctors yeah i agree i've said that same thing i totally agree i have the golden question for you oh okay you say that

anything is possible if you get out of your own way how do you get out of your own way. How do you get out of your own way? Oh, that's a simple one. By raising your self-esteem. It's ego that tends to keep us back. It's ego that keeps us stuck. But when we love ourselves and become our own, if you see your best friend that's stuck with something, do you just say, okay, well, you're stuck? Or do you do whatever you can do to help that person get unstuck? That you just say, okay, well, you're stuck? Or do you do whatever you can do to help that person get unstuck? That's the whole thing to love yourself enough that you're going to do what's necessary in order to get yourself unstuck. And that's why I want to lay out a toolbox for people and say, look, here are the tools you need. Do this and your life will

get better. It's a guarantee. You know, I say this all the time. If you do the things in my book and your self-esteem does not get better, I'll give you your money back. And so far I haven't had to give anybody their money back. Awesome. Thank you so much for writing that book and for making that intention for the world. I hope that it's like the monkeys and that it spreads. Oh, I hope so. I really feel like, you know, I've been given a second chance at life. I should have been dead a hundred times. So the gift of life that I have, I'm grateful every single day.

Every day I'm on my knees. First thing, thank you for the gift of a new day. This is what I'm supposed to be doing. I mean, I know, I have a knowing that one of the reasons why I was spared, one of them is to have my daughter. And the second one is to be able to spread this message. That's my purpose. Where can our listeners find you? I also know

you're doing a workshop right now because of COVID. Yes. Yeah, I was going to start doing in-person workshops, but I thought, why not just put it online? And you know what, for any of your listeners, it's only 10 bucks for you. If you're friends of this podcast, then it's 10 bucks. It's a very simple website. I want to keep things really, really simple. RandySpeaks.com. Randy with a Y. And your podcast is called, one more time. Becoming Your Own Best Friend. Yeah. And now it's time for break that shit down. You can do this. Anything is possible if you get out of your own way and start with that first step.

No matter how scary it seems, no matter how much you think it's not possible, it is. Because you're listening to these amazing ladies every week and realizing that, wow, if they can do it, I can do it. And you're right. And today you listen to me. And if they can do it, I can do it. And you're right. And today you listen to me and if I can do it, you can do it. There's no magic pill. There's no magic. Anything is just taking that first step. And yes, you can do this. You're your own best friend. Thank you so much, Randy, for being with us. You're awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thanks for being with us today. We hope you will come back next week.

If you like what you hear, don't forget to rate, like, and subscribe. Thank you. We rise to lift you up. Thanks for listening.