Sense of Soul - The Life and Perspectives of an Asexual

Episode Date: October 6, 2023

Today on Sense of Soul Podcast, Author Sandra Bellamy she is the founder of www.asexualise.com. She sees herself as an ambassador for asexuality, and is on a mission to get asexuality recognized throughout the globe, so that no asexual has to live in fear of ridicule ever again.  Sandra was a speaker at the UK Asexuality Conference in London and have been featured in the Daily Mirror, Daily Star and on the Jeremy Vine Show, BBC Radio with Graham Torrington, Apple, Spotify, Channel 4, BBC TV, Femedic, bLU Talks Amplify Your Message and on a variety of podcasts. Sandra’s main variety channel which has had over 600,000 views, learn more about asexuality, and asexual love, life, confidence, dating and relationships. www.youtube.com/asexualisemyasexuallife Sandra runs 6 asexual Facebook groups, 5 which are free, and the 6th is Asexualise Academy Club monthly membership group, where she does exclusive live coaching and training to improve your life, and offers a monthly online meetup. Access to the groups is by answering questions and not guaranteed. https://www.facebook.com/acexualise https://www.facebook.com/AcexualiseAcademy  https://www.facebook.com/acexualisedating/ You can email Sandra at: [e-mail] For Asexual blog, help and resources, visit www.asexualise.com Understand asexuality & asexual spectrum better. Get all your asexual questions answered about love, life, and sex, even those you're afraid to ask, in my Asexual Perspectives book here https://amzn.to/2MK5tJ1 To Learn more about Sandra visit: https://www.sandrabellamy.com Learn more about Sense of Soul Podcast: https://www.senseofsoulpodcast.com Check out the NEW affiliate deals! https://www.mysenseofsoul.com/sense-of-soul-affiliates-page Check out the Ethereal Network! https://www.mysenseofsoul.com/ethereal-network Follow Sense of Soul on Patreon, and join to get ad free episodes, circles, mini series and more! https://www.patreon.com/senseofsoul Follow Sense of Soul on Social Media! https://www.mysenseofsoul.com/sos-links  

Hello, my soul-seeking friends. It's Shanna. Thank you so much for listening to Sense of Soul podcast. Enlightening conversations with like-minded souls from around the world, sharing their journey of finding their light within, turning pain into purpose, and awakening to their true sense of soul. If you like what you hear, show me some love and rate, like, and subscribe. And consider becoming a Sense of Soul Patreon member, where you will get ad-free episodes, monthly circles, and much more. Now go grab your coffee, open your mind, heart, and soul. It's time to awaken. Today we have with us author Sandra Bellamy. She is a Blue Talk Amplify speaker and an asexuality coach. She sees herself as an ambassador for asexuality, which is an ongoing mission for her

to get asexuality recognized throughout the globe. Sandra's joining us today to tell us about her new book, Asexual Perspectives. Sandra is so sweet and so passionate about this topic. And I'm happy that I am able to be able to provide this space for Sandra today. Hello. Hi, how are you? Good. I'm really excited for our interview. You're so passionate. I just love that you're using your voice. Good for you. You're talking about something that not a lot of people talk about. You're so passionate. I just love that you're using your voice. Good for you.

You're talking about something that not a lot of people talk about. You're very inspiring. Oh, thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I love it. I got a message this morning from one of my YouTubers and she's like, oh, I always love your videos. And it's really nice when I hear that. Where are you joining us from? I am from the UK so I live in a city called Exeter in Devon. I really like it here. It's a very vibrant city. I'm an extrovert which is quite rare for an asexual person. Most asexuals are introverted but I love being asexual and being in the city is really nice so I go clubbing and stuff which not a lot of people who are asexual do because obviously there's a lot of heterosexuals a lot of sexual energy there and stuff like that but yeah so I live in Exeter by myself I'm single I don't like

sex because I'm asexual which is the sexual orientation that's a lack of sexual attraction I'm personally a sex repulsed asexual for me. I like being single. I do still look for a romantic, ideally asexual male life partner, but I haven't found him yet. I don't want marriage though. I don't want kids and I prefer to live on my own, even in a relationship. So I like a living apart together relationship, which means you live in separate places near each other but not actually with each other therefore I feel that you can have your own space I find it very difficult to sleep in front of someone very difficult to sleep in the same bed partly because I get self-conscious another part is because I have fibromyalgia which is a chronic pain condition

that affects the nerves and muscles of the body so it's really difficult because I need personal space physically because if anyone's near my pressure points even if they're not directly on it I can kind of feel that and also I prefer not to take my clothes off because I'm nudity repulsed which is quite rare for asexuals as well so I prefer to keep my clothes on even in a relationship and kiss with my clothes on I love kissing though I'm a hyper romantic and a hyper kisser, which is very different to most of the entire world population, let alone asexuals. Most asexuals only like a tiny bit of kissing. And I do get really romantic. I'm excessively romantic. So I self date. So I was a speaker at the UK asexuality conference in

London in 2018. And I did a couple of talks. One was about how to arrange an asexual meetup because I arranged them in my city. And people come from different parts of the UK to it. And I also spoke about self-love and self-dating being the most, like the best part, if you like, of dating and relationships is make sure you self-date and love yourself. And I put some pictures on the screen of how I self-date like I go to theme parks and I go and take myself out to Nando's and I go to the cinema and so I do whatever I would do in a romantic relationship but with myself sometimes I kiss myself even I love kissing that much so yeah

I do a YouTube show as you know which I talk about asexuality I share my daily life usually on YouTube on my asexualized my asexualized channel so it's a bit like a reality TV show and I've been doing that since 2015 it started off more as like just individual videos and then in 2018 as part of asexual perspectives awareness month which I founded in 2017 actually um 2018 I decided to go live every single day instead of just posting your video so in celebration of my book which is to celebrate our diversity across the asexual spectrum and our differences within it so I did this book because I got so many people in my inbox asking me different questions like what's it like to have a relationship with another asexual what's it like to have a relationship with

a sexual person and all these questions are in this book and all the answers are in the book because I was answering them all the time in private message and I thought why not put a book out there where everyone can get access to the answers to the questions that they ask all the time especially when they're new to asexuality so this shows asexual and it shows different asexual people all across the spectrum and instead of just giving textbook definitions of asexuality and asexuals it actually explores the lives of asexuals and so it gives different perspectives I know that your listeners who are listening on podcasts won't be able to see the book but if they just type asexual perspectives into Amazon for example then they'll see it come up it's like I got an orange and purple cover and so yeah it pretty much answers every question they could possibly

think of when they're new to asexuality discovering the asexual spectrum and there's 47 different stories including my own told in questions and answers that strategically thought about in order to answer all the questions that people have got so it's really good because there's all different types from pure asexuals to great asexuals in this book. You are really probably talking to people who may be experiencing this and they don't quite exactly know what they're experiencing. They didn't know I had a name. You know, I am against some of the labels. But unfortunately, the way to get certain awareness is through labels. I'm actually a big fan of labels. I find that the only people

that are uncomfortable with the labels of asexuals are the ones that are not comfortable with asexuality. So no one seems uncomfortable with labeling themselves heterosexual. You never hear of someone saying, well, why are you labeling yourself as a heterosexual? I'm curious about that. But you can't really tell by looking at someone how they're feeling inside. So many people might just assume that you're heterosexual, which is not necessarily the case. And people are speaking up about that. But I have to know when you figured this out and how you did it? Okay, so I didn't discover I'm asexual till 2014. And I was in heterosexuals nearly half of my life, I would say. So at 16, which is when I had my first boyfriend, in terms of who I felt I loved. And he asked me or rather pressurized me into sex for the first time ever in my life.

I didn't have self-love back then. My self-love journey didn't start until 2012, actually. So back then I lacked self-love. So at 16, he pressured me to have sex because he said all his friends were doing it. And that's what he wanted. And I felt that I would lose him if I didn't do that. So I obliged him him but he was very gentle which I was really appreciative of did your mom and dad ever talk to you about sex no they felt that school should do that and the only education this is really important actually the only education I had at school was a video in biology I've got to laugh at this it's not funny because this is the state of the situation but this was my sex education there was a woman dressed as an egg and a guy dressed as a

sperm and this is a really old-fashioned video vhs tape and they were the the they were swimming towards each other and the woman was singing one day my sperm will come no way one day my sperm will come that was my sex yeah I'm being serious because I sticks in my mind that was my sex education at school a biology lesson and that was it so I didn't have any sex education at school apart from that and yeah I wasn't interested in sex like even though I had it even at 16 he pressurized me into it I would rather have not bothered um but you know I did it to keep the relationship I guess and because I I didn't know any different I just thought that's what you normally do in a relationship that's what guy wants so I had to do that and reason like one of

the major reasons why I wrote asexual guide sex is because I wish I'd had that book the book I'm writing at 16 years old and some people are like well it's so big why don't you split it up and I am thinking about actually because there's asexual sex stories in the book I'm thinking about maybe doing a smaller book with the stories same stories in it so just for people who don't want the whole guide to sex I'm thinking but I don't know if Amazon would allow that but the reason I've done it the way I've done it is because I want all the safety aspects and the consent in there and assertiveness and boundaries which is what I didn't know when I was a kid well and when I was 16 you know I didn't know all this so I want to save people pain and heartache,

I want to help prevent sexual abuse situations, and so that is why I'm making this comprehensive, like, reference book that can sit by a person's bedside for life, and they can pick it up and refer to it, and it's, like, all the stuff I've been learning over the years about relationships, dating, healthy relationships, attachment styles, avoidant attachment you know anxious attachment it's I haven't put everything in there about all these attachment styles because it is an asexual guide to sex it would just go on forever I could go on forever with it all of those things are very important for anybody you know boundaries yeah yeah so I want people who whatever sexuality they are to buy the asexual guide sex like virgins people are inexperienced their education was

missing like mine because even though i'm asexual i've had sex so i i feel i'm really best placed for my mission so i haven't really revealed my mission yet but my mission is to get asexuality recognized as a sexual orientation in its own right throughout the globe so no asexual has to live in fear of ridicule ever again so it's a spiritual mission actually which obviously is very relevant to your podcast and so I believe I was given this mission by God and the universe and I'm the one that's selected specifically to get it recognized in its own right so most people who know asexuality are in the lgbt plus community because lgbt plus qia the a stands for asexual some people say it stands for agender androgynous aromantic some people pronounce that aromantic and some people think it's allies but it's quite well

known for asexuality and that's all very good and well because there's a lot of people who are asexual that feel left out in the bigger wider world because we don't experience sexual attraction in the main it's a lack of sexual attraction but there's a spectrum from pure asexuals to grey asexuals which I haven't gone into yet but basically it's based on a lack of sexual attraction whereas lesbians gays bisexuals are still experiencing sexual attraction the normal sexual attraction unless they're an asexual who identifies as gay bisexual as well but in the main lesbians gays bisexuals they all experience sexual attraction whereas asexuality is based on a lack of sexual attraction so it's kind of different in that respect. And it's my personal mission to get it recognised

in its own right. I'm not taking away from LGBT community, you know, because asexuality is part of the acronym, whatever my thoughts, feelings or other people are about it. But it's my mission to get it recognised individually, because it is very very different because it is based on lack of sexual attraction. There are genuine people out there who don't have any need like want or urge for sex whatsoever, which would be the asexuals usually who are the pure asexuals. And there are grey asexuals that do have sex. There are grey asexuals that are sex positive. There are asexuals in general that you know they can they can't choose whether they're asexual or not but they can choose to have sex or not and there's quite a lot of sex repulsed asexuals out there so some are having sex some aren't having sex so it's

a myth that not every asexual is the same people think that every asexual doesn't have sex or you know they don't want a relationship which isn't true so there's a lot of myths and stereotypes out there but my mission to get it recognized individually is because i want to stop as many sexual abuse situations possible and prevent as many as possible by getting it recognized that there are people out there that genuinely don't want like or need sex and it's okay to feel that way and the more heterosexuals accept this on dating apps and dating sites and who know about it the more they can stop putting on people is natural for everyone everyone likes sex and the expectation of sex on dates and in a relationship all the time it needs to stop people should be asking like what sexual orientation are you do you know i mean we they

should be a lot more open honest discussion i just feel it's important for me to get it recognized individually. And that's my mission spiritually. Aside from, you know, sex, a relationship also is important, like oxytocin. We need oxytocin to survive. And that oxytocin is relationship. That's love, that's kissing. But it's also just doing what you and I are doing right now talking and having conversations and just being with other people so I'm guessing this is part of the reason why you speak out is because you still want to be in community be in relationships so some asexuals they don't ever want a relationship they want friend yeah not a romantic relationship some asexuals don't experience romantic attraction or sexual attraction

some asexuals they prefer having a friendship to having a romantic relationship some have queer platonic relationships and some they just literally have their friends are everything to them and they have deep friendships I'm in terms of asexuality there's more people that aren't romantic than romantic so I'm a romantic asexual there's less people available for me I'm only interesting guys so there's less guys usually that are asexual and there's less romantics among asexuals so for me to try and find a guy who's romantic who likes kissing a lot because a lot of asexuals don't like much kissing it's kind of hard and I found out in 2014 I found out I was asexual so my last long-term relationship was 2011. So I've got to skip now.

If I skip to 2011, I did have good sex with him. So people are shocked. They're like, you're asexual because you've had bad sex. I'm like, no. And I had a good sexual experience with him. I'd rather not have bothered. I'd rather not have it. But I didn't think, I really want sex with you now.

But he liked that. I've never had an orgasm in my life. I didn't think I really want sex with you now but he liked that I've never had an orgasm in my life I don't really understand what that is and I was paranoid about getting pregnant because I've never wanted children since I was 15 years old I knew I went never wanted kids and I used to be getting pregnancy test kits just to check I wasn't pregnant I was on birth control pill but he used to like to do it naturally. And so I had irritable bowel syndrome and I've got, I have actually got generalized anxiety disorder, which is a condition as well. And so I used to get worried about being pregnant. So yeah, I found out as asexual,

I think it's important to say this because in 2013, so I split up with my long-term ex in 2014, took me 18 months to two years to fully get over it in that time I reprogram my mind to be happy being single using neuro linguistic programming when I did a life coaching course with the coaching academy in the UK I've also reprogram my mind to be like 21 years old using NLP as well so that's like the mindset and life I live and well teenager life actually so I'm not interested in my birth to age at all and I actually like younger foreign guys in their early to mid-20s particularly in Indian so I like colored skin I think it's gorgeous and beautiful and that's actually Indians are my type but it's very difficult because they want marriage usually at least so 2011 split up took a year forced myself to be

single because I was dependent I was co-dependent back then I was dependent on a guy I'd always been in relationships the majority of my life but it wasn't until nearly a year later I started actually having a first date if you know what I mean and then in 2013 I was in a relationship with a Bangladeshi guy 23 years old really hot ascetically so some asexuals don't use this terminology but I found him aesthetically hot really super attractive and we're kissing kissing on my bed um but then I he wanted to have sex and I just couldn't bring myself to do it my mind my being my soul just wouldn't allow it and that's when I realized I was different and I just couldn't however

however much I found him aesthetically attractive um even if my body pounds because I do experience arousal but no sexual attraction because they're two different things but I didn't realize that time and then within three weeks he cheated on me so that was the end of that relationship and then after that I need to fast forward to 2014 because that's when I discovered I'm asexual and I went to see a counsellor and I NHS counsellor in the UK so professional counsellor and I told her that I can't bring myself to have sex anymore that the expectation of the sex at the end of the night when I'm dating is making me almost want to wet myself because I'm so anxious about it and I love kissing and romance but I don't like sex and I'm worried about it because I don't know what to do I feel like I'm gonna be

alone forever basically and she said absolutely the worst thing that I could have possibly been told so she said that I'm gonna have to have sex in order to keep a good guy and I was absolutely horrified like I went home after that and googled I love kissing but not sex and that's how I discovered I'm asexual because I thought no one should be told they have to have sex in order to keep a good guy. That's like a license to rape me because it's something I don't want to do and I don't like it. And it's basically saying you cannot get love and you cannot have a relationship unless you have sex. And it was awful. And I went back to her and told her, I think I'm asexual. And she wouldn't look up. She said, oh, the NHS computers won't let us look up such a thing.

And I said, well, you could have looked up at home and she just didn't want to know. She wasn't interested. And so basically the last session I had with her, I was really in floods of tears. I was a shock, you know, like I'm something different to what I thought I was for years because I thought I was heterosexual. And I felt like I needed some help and guidance, but she clearly wasn't the person to give it to me and then that's went more into asexuality.org because that's how I found the biggest online community for asexuals when I googled I love kissing but not sex and discovered there are people like me who want a romantic relationship without sex and so that was in 2014 by 2015 January 2015 I was started my asexual meetups and then October 2015 I started doing my asexual channel and I couldn't talk about sex back then I was so shy I used to be a shy quiet girl at

school actually introverted and I couldn't talk about sex at all I was so shy I was so reserved and in 2012 I couldn't even be on social media like I was so panicky about being social media but I knew if I wanted to make my mark in the world I'd have to be on social media and then in in 2015 I'm like you're gonna have to talk about sex manual because it's gonna crop up with asexuals and I was shy I would only talk about it with a boyfriend not my parents not even the best girl friend or anyone and then I'm thinking you can't take it to the grave with you like if you take it to the grave with you it's gonna take it to the grave with you it's going to help no one this information so you need to come out break through your anxiety barriers and break through your asexual barriers hey listeners did you know that sense of soul has

a network of lightworkers affiliates program now you get to work with one of our inspiring guests and I'd like to introduce you to one of our affiliates medicine woman carrie hummingbird carrie has put together an exclusive package for sense of soul listeners you can take carrie's mini course sacred living with the four directions and also get a 30-minute shamanic healing full cleanse of heavy energy and fill up your tank with high vibrational light. An amazing opportunity at a great price. You definitely want to take advantage of her amazing offer. You can go to www.senseofsoulpodcast.com and look under the network of lightworkers, or you can find this link directly to Carrie's amazing offer in the show notes.

My goodness. Like you found other people that were like, yeah, I'm like that too. And then you knew there was probably other people out there that felt the same and you've reached out to them. You've wrote a book for them. You've created a community for them and this meetup group. So how successful have you been with actually connecting with other people? Right. This is very interesting. So how successful have you been with actually connecting with other people? Right. This is very interesting. So on my channel, I cover asexual life, love, dating, relationships, friendship. And like I said, since 2018, it's like a reality TV show. So all the viewers come on my journey with me, the ups and the downs. I've had over 600,000 views on my channel. So over half a million and growing and I run six

asexual groups on Facebook three asexual Facebook pages I've got asexualized.com is my website and yeah so I'm on I currently I'm on Facebook dating I'm on Badoo now Badoo.com has got a category for asexuals so it's good but you can't filter looking for asexual so you can say you're asexual in sexual orientation but when it comes up with the filters they've got like bisexual gay lesbian open-minded heterosexual but they haven't got asexual and i'm like that's disappointing so far i've only come across seven guys who are on the asexual spectrum there and none of them are suitable for me Facebook dating I haven't come across one genuine asexual guy that I know of yet some of them lie unfortunately so I've been looking for

my Indian soulmates since 2014 I'm like where is he you mentioned a great asexual oh yes I need to explain that thank you so the asexuality is a sexual orientation that's a lack of sexual attraction but it's also a spectrum of identities within the asexuality spectrum umbrella so I'm going to try and simplify this as much as possible so if we simplify it into two categories of asexual the pure asexuals and the great asexuals the pure asexuals don't experience any sexual attraction whatsoever meaning they don't look at someone and get the need urge or want for partnered sexual intercourse they don't look at someone and think, I want sex with you. So it's complete lack of sexual attraction. The grey asexuals, on the other hand, which is its own spectrum under the asexual

spectrum, and some people who are under the grey asexual spectrum choose to identify as asexual because it is on the asexuality spectrum, but some of them don't. But grey asexuality is part of the sexual end of the asexual spectrum before sexual spectrum begins and so grey asexuals do experience sexual attraction but only under limited rare or specific circumstances or they experience it but not enough to want to act on it and amongst those are also the demisexuals the demisexuals cannot experience any sexual attraction unless and until a deep emotional bond has been formed and usually maintained and reciprocated it doesn't mean to say everyone they have an emotional bond with they're going to experience that sexual attraction with but it can happen for them but until then they feel like they don't

experience any sexual attraction and then under those categories, you've got loads of different subcategories of asexuals. So it gets to be a bit of a minefield and there's new subcategories and identities coming up. But there's two main categories, if you like, and sub identities within those. We're all so different. So it's really hard to put everybody just under one. You know, there's so many things that are on a spectrum. You know, I have to say, I just recently, or I am taking a course and it does have to do with sexual energy and actually doesn't really have to do necessarily with another person. Yeah. It's just about the spiritual power behind sexual energy which is the energy of creation that is more powerful than any other energy we experience yeah I've heard about that I don't

feel I have sexual energy though myself I don't feel that way I feel I can be creative and do amazing things without sexual energy I mean I do know of it i'm aware of it but i don't necessarily agree with it some people believe you can only do certain things if you've got sexual energy as an asexual who feels i don't have sexual energy myself i think that's very limiting beliefs i think the ideology that you can only do certain things if you have sexual energy is very limiting beliefs is basically saying if you don't have sexual energy you can't do things no I don't think it's that though necessarily I mean I mean I definitely had my first three children and there wasn't a lot of sexual energy going on there it was just breathing so I'm here to tell you you can't even create you know lives

without having you know massive build-up of energy And maybe I'll even send you some information. You can look into it and maybe you can even do a, an episode on it. I don't know. For one, you know, we haven't had parents, you know, our generation anyways, having had parents who sat down and talked to us about it. They're definitely not going to tell you that in school, you know, what to feel or what you might not feel or what you should do. If somebody pressures you, you know,

there's a lot of that, but women have for generations and generations. I mean, well, since the beginning of time, I mean, it was all about, you know, could you provide a son, right. For our lineage to continue on, you were really kind of like, and if you didn't breed a boy or whatever, or children, I mean, they would put you away. That's crazy. But now women today, we have more choice. We're demanding respect. Gone are the days of you just taking my body without my permission. Right. And we're speaking up and we can talk about sex openly. I mean, that's not something people did before. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like I was on an antidepressant for like seven years, you know, and during that time I had a hard time having sex. I had a hard time getting

into it. I didn't, I could have just decided not to have sex for the rest of my life. I mean, I just had no pleasure. I didn't desire that whatsoever. And I also was a mom and busy, you know, and, and just had interest in other things. And I think that when I got off the medicine, you know, things changed, you know, my chemicals in my body changed a little bit and I kind of aligned back up with that sexual energy. But now I'm going towards 50, I'm 47. And now that I, yeah. And you know, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't, which is one of the reasons why I was curious and kind of

taking that course where maybe I could control my own sexual energy, kind of create it more. And so it's one of the reasons why I was interested in taking that course. I think also men go through it too. As they get older, they get more estrogen. We get more testosterone. It's like, what is happening here and you know I just feel like there's some hormonal changes going on with me as I age and so that's becoming less above priority all right this is really interesting because since I found out I'm asexual I understand

myself a lot better so I understand I have kissing knees now I understand I have arousal where kissing is concerned but it doesn't have to have anyone involved with it I can just think about it for myself I found the guys on on dating sites doesn't matter the age they are still really horny including guys are older I don't I'm not really interested in guys who are older I occasionally change my filters for guys who I wouldn't usually be interested in and I am in dating groups and non-asexual dating groups as well as other asexual dating groups on Facebook I run three dating groups of my own for asexuals i'm in other asexual dating groups but i'm also in non-asexual dating groups and i've never taken antidepressants so although i was depressed for a lot of of my years i never took medication for depression never taken it for anxiety

i've never had it for fibromyalgia i'm i'm a person. A lot of the time I don't like taking meds. I have fibromyalgia too, by the way. Do you take meds? No, I know. You know, I did years, like a decade ago, but then I got off of all of them and I started doing stuff like meditation, chanting and other ways to get rid of my pain, which definitely works. Did you know I got this fibromyalgia self-help handbook published this in 2019 so this is basically fibromyalgia self-help handbook which again is on amazon how to manage fibromyalgia to have less pain more energy and feel happier like a superhero rock star and it's told in a superhero style throughout the book and there's me on the back covering my ace fibro girl outfit

so i'm dressed up yeah definitely get it it's honestly like a personal development book in disguise it tells you how to reduce pain in 25 aspects of your life that you can apply to yourself with or without fibromyalgia my triggers are stress period I mean the other day the most stressful day I woke up lost keys, found him at like six o'clock, which is late. And then about an hour or so later, my mom lost her keys and she's at the movie theater with my children, can't come home. I'm like, what is the loss of the keys thing? I mean, it was such a stressful day. And that night, my body hurt all night long.

I had restless leg syndrome. I only got like, I think it was like 59 solid minutes of sleep because I tracked my sleep. And because of that awareness, I'm able to know that if I continue to ignore all that, I will just go right back into that fibromyalgia. But really, truly, I've learned to control it you know through just tools and self-love was a huge one because I was giving out everything to everybody else and never to myself you know and when you do that your body will react and some people are more sensitive than others and it sounds like you are a very sensitive person yeah an empath maybe because I know

I'm an empath if someone's talking about like headaches I get a headache I'm empathetic from the point of view like if an ambulance goes by I immediately go I hope everyone's all right I don't know who it's for or why but I'm like I hope everyone's all right you know I can tell you're like that you're so yeah yes thank you yeah oh I want to say something about guinea pigs so with guinea pigs I can always tell when something's wrong I feel them and it's very difficult because all the guinea pigs I had in the past since leaving home with my parents have all had things wrong with them and I bought one guinea pig once a female and she was pregnant and meant to be a male but she was pregnant and had three babies

unfortunately I don't have any guinea pigs anymore but in the past my guinea pigs used to be very randy so I used to think that the sexual energy I lack it's all in them I've had two girl guinea pigs like get it on before as well as a brother and sister even though they've had the snip and stuff and they used to be at it like trying to hump each other all the time and running around the cage after each other so I feel that my guinea pigs used to make up for the sexual energy that I lacked and it was all going on them and I'm like I'm asexual but my guinea pigs definitely aren't they're the exact opposite of me so yeah did you know about my guinea pigs no have you got guinea pigs I don't have any anymore

okay so my daughter she loves animals more than she does people I'll be honest my youngest and she's like I want to go and get a fish mom can I get a fish and I was like sure so we go to the pet store we're going to get maybe a beta fish right I think I'm going to leave

you know with maybe $30 worth of fish stuff and call it a day. No. We leave with a guinea pig. And one guinea pig. The next day, guinea pig is sad. So Kinsley tells me, you know, mom, in Switzerland, it's illegal to buy one guinea pig. You have to have two. So here we are. We have two guinea pig yeah you have to have two so here we are we have two guinea pigs

and they shit like I've never seen in my life no animal shits like that so interesting that you're my last baby girl I get really upset talking about it she died in my arms before Christmas so yeah I'm still healing from that and it was difficult because I had to move home right after she died I was well I didn't move home then but I had to look for somewhere else to live because my ex-landlord now sold the place I've been in for years to his son and I had to quit my full-time job so I used to do the stuff for asexuals on top of like a job but now I just devote my time to that and then I joined Blue Talks in February this year. So I'm speaking for Blue Talks in Oxford in October. I'm in a new chapter in their book

with Ken Honda. And so I'm studying obviously more to do with public speaking. I'm getting on more podcasts. And so I really dedicate even more of my time to asexuality, which I did predominantly before, but now I can devote more time to it. I'm always busy doing stuff. I'm always like doing channels and stuff and growing them so yeah let me ask you do some asexual people have children or do they desire to have children oh right yeah so I have to say I just don't represent every asexual I'm quite unique but yeah there are some asexuals even in my asexual perspectives book what we were talking about earlier and there's some of there

that have children already so in terms of children some asexuals will have sex just to have children they never have sex again some asexuals don't mind having sex so they're in relationships having sex they're sex positive sex neutral sex indifferent they're not bothered one way or the other some like it's an activity to do so some asexuals want kids they want them by normal means having sexual intercourse penetrative vaginal sex basically they're fine doing that some asexuals are some people are asexual and they've had kids already didn't realize they're asexual so they come to the asexual community realizing years later they're asexual they lack sexual attraction even though they've got children from past relationships often it's past relationships

because a lot of the time their relationships are broken down because they found out they're asexual and it stopped working the relationship and so but this is not the case for everyone but you do find that and then some asexuals will adopt kids because they don't physically want them they'll do adoption or fostering some asexuals have IVF some asexuals want kids like kids and they still have the maternal instinct to have kids I've never had that since I was 15 I knew I didn't want kids I knew I didn't even want to adopt but you're obviously very nurturing and caring I mean yeah so so yes okay yes so I get on well with kids as little beings in their own right. I'm not really into babies, although babies feel very safe in my company because I am very protective even of myself and other people, my friends. So babies will come and

hold my little finger, for example, because they know I'm safe and kids will automatically come up and start holding my hand. I've had that since being a kid myself. What is your hope in doing this? I mean, I, like I was saying earlier, it kind of seemed like your book was also really speaking to everyone about the things that they need to have like boundaries. Yeah. So with my asexual guide to sex book that I'm still editing, doing the final edits for, I've been actually spending the last week soundproofing my home to try and make it better for podcasts, which again is to raise awareness of asexuality, everything to do with asexuality. Basically, with my Asexual Guide to Sex book, I see it as a very important book. My ambition for it is to get on 100 podcasts at least. And I believe that it will enable me to help bridge

the gap between asexuals and heterosexuals to help foster more understanding between the different sexualities so that I can help fulfill my mission of getting asexuality taken seriously by heterosexuals and to understand that asexuality is a real thing you know there's genuinely some people who don't like, want or need sex. And I see me getting on podcasts to do with dating, relationships, sex podcasts, asexual podcasts and on YouTube shows and stuff like that. So I see my mission as well as to try and get it into bookstores, physical bookstores, which is very difficult to do, I know, but I'm going to try to do that um I'm a registered publisher in the UK anyway in 2017 I fulfilled that dream I've been a registered publisher uh with quirky books it's my

own publishing imprint I use but I want to get out to more libraries I want to get it into more people's hands I mean ideally I'd like to get it into counsellors hands therapists and I would like to get it spread as much as possible I've done the asexual guide to sex specifically on purpose to cater kind of for the asexual market which obviously is predominantly aimed at but also the sexual market to help those people who are virgins who are not experiencing sex or who are missing the education and you know need this advice help you know it can help anyone yeah but I just I'm just so ambitious about it you know it's even hard for some and most heterosexuals to talk about sex so you kind of are opening that up too and yeah like that because you're just like it's okay to

talk about this stuff and sharing your story I mean I used to think that vulnerability was a like oh god you know don't share you know your weaknesses and your and your story. I mean, I used to think that vulnerability was like, oh God, you know, don't share, you know, your weaknesses and your, and your stuff. But I see that it's really what connects everybody collectively. Yeah. That's a really good point actually. Cause when I'm on my asexual channel, I do share my life journey. So I do talk about my dates and stuff. I love your show. Oh yeah. You are in my chat thank you so much I loved your channel it's great and I think it's so important to be real and authentic yes and you know like a couple of days later I will literally say how I'm getting through this difficult emotional time what I'm

doing how I'm thinking how I'm I'm using my mindset to get over it and get through it so asexuals on my channel can always see asexuality on a daily basis in real life context and how to overcome those daily challenges including when a date doesn't go the way you want it to when you feel something for someone it's not reciprocated or it just can't happen and they can go through that pain with me but I can also inspire them this This is how I got over it. Couple of days later, I'm here again, right? I'm bouncing back. I'm going out again.

I'm self-loving, self-dating, taking care of myself, grieving, which is healthy. And so we should be expressing our emotions. We shouldn't be afraid to cry in public. We should be open about that because repressing and suppressing emotions is what causes things like fibromyalgia as you probably know and did you know that tears from sadness actually have toxins they are toxic and the tears from happiness do not have toxins oh I didn't know that so it's your body's way of literally trying to cleanse itself by releasing but tell everybody where they can find your book

where they can find you. Do you have a website? Yes, it's asexualize.com is my website. That's spelled A-S-E-X-U-A-L-I-S-E.com. I also have the version with the Z in it as well. Because asexualize can be spelled two different ways. Asexualize My Asexual Life is my channel. I've got pages on facebook as well i also started an asexualized dating channel recently please check that out so it's asexualized my

asexual life is my main channel that's had over 600 000 views i talk about love life dating relationships from an asexual point of view and it's like a personal development daily blog vlog whatever you want to call it it's a bit of everything so i do asexual entertainment lifestyle uh education information on my main asexualize my asexual life channel so it shows asexuality in real life context which i love i think it's so important to have that rather than just questions and answers about asexuality it's like how do i cope in real life so that's my main channel which you definitely subscribe to that and asexualized dating it's asexualized dating as a handle uh on on on youtube but it's also called no bs dating relationship advice so that is how i want to be known like i'm telling it like it is no bullshit basically because i'm sick and

tired of people bullshitting and playing games i'm like no because I can sense um I'm very good at being able to spot abusers and narcissists online now especially on dating so that potentially is gonna expand more like I'm maybe I don't know if I'm gonna do more books or courses for that particular part of dating and relationships in the future but as something I specialize in quite a lot I've learned over the years a lot to do with manipulation narcissistic abuse and all that type of thing I'm very clued up on it nowadays so I do have videos on my asexual life my asexual life channel like that I'm very good at spotting them on dating sites so it's very important because I think we're only going to get more and more online so more and more dating is going to happen so it's really important so I I've only just started

on the 2nd of July uh 2023 um and so yeah in the first month I've had over 8 000 views already so 25 subscribers for me I think that's good because the stats are healthy um yeah and I'm also at makemoneymakecash.com and makemoneymakecash youtube channel I'm known as the asexual entrepreneur there so everything I do is geared towards asexuality so yeah my book so I got two books out well two main books I have five but these are the main important ones to me because these are ones that change lives so this is my other ones are kind of more technical books I've written a book about redundancy as well but these are my two top ones so this one is asexual perspectives 47 asexual stories love life and sex a celebration of

asexual diversity but if you type in asexual perspectives it usually comes up um it's available on amazon barnes and noble waterstones blackwells walmart websites and can be ordered from any good bookshop awesome so you can walk in and all that and then uh fibromyalgia self-help handbook how to manage fibromyalgia to have less pain more energy you feel happier like a superhero rock star it's really good i mentioned asexuality in here as well so this is available on amazon it's available barnes and noble blackwell's and walmart so and you can order it from good book shops as well so yeah and see me in my ace fiber got ace by the way is the slang or nickname for asexual in case you didn't know that. Okay. So thank you so much.

Yes. Whatever this energy is, sexual or not, it's amazing. So thank you so much for what you're doing and for just being you and putting it out there. Thank you, Shama. It's been really amazing experience talking to you. I've loved it. You're a nice interviewer as well. It was super fun

you're in my space oh I love being in your space you've got a lovely personality and you've got a gorgeous voice got like a velvety voice well thanks Sandra thank you so much sending you lots of love thanks for listening to sense of soul podcast and thanks to our special guests for joining me. If you want more of Sense of Soul, check out my website at www.mysenseofsoul.com, where you can work with me one-on-one or help support Sense of Soul Podcast by donating to my coffee fund. Thanks for listening.