Sense of Soul - True Crime to True Purpose

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

Join us as we chat with Nicky Alan, author of M.E. Myself and I, Diary of a Psychic: A Miracle Journey Surviving Chronic Illness From being a police officer to a medium psychic, she shares her brutally honest journey showing strength of the human spirit, faith in the unseen and a tenacious will to survive.  Visit Nicky Alan in her website and check out her YouTube! www.nickyalan.co.uk https://youtube.com/c/NickyAlanPsychicMedium Check out Sense of Soul website and the new Self Love Tool Kit Go to My Sense of Soul  

Welcome to the Sense of Soul podcast. We are your hosts, Shanna and Mandy. Grab your coffee, open your mind, heart, and soul. It's time to awaken. Today on Sense of Soul, we are super excited to have on Nikki Allen. She is a woman who has been through so much in her life and she aligns perfectly with Sense of Soul because she has turned her pain into purpose. She was struck down with fibromyalgia in the prime of her life as a successful TV psychic medium. She was left with nothing but two bags and the demons from her past and her two adorable dogs. She embarked on a beautiful new journey, but it was not all butterflies and roses. Grieving her old life and begrudgingly accepting guidance from angels and spirit guides after losing her faith, she found a reason to live again after being on the brink of suicide. aside. Nikki has been a freelance paranormal spiritual writer for the last 16 years and has had many articles published in many different magazines. We are going to be talking about her

new amazing book, Me, Myself and I, The Diary of a Psychic. And I am so excited to talk about it. Nikki is with us today all the way from the UK. Thank you so much for joining us. Oh, my darlings, it's such a pleasure to be here. This almost feels like a pajama party. It's like we're kicking back, having a coffee and having a girly chat. I'm loving it already. I'm loving the vibe. Well, and that's the vibe we always try to put out. Just relax. Let the universe guide the conversation. Screw up words when we're talking and not care so much. So Nikki, every time I hear the name of your book, I think of De La Soul.

See, it is like a pajama party. What, what? Yes, of course they've nicked my title even though that was back in the 80s i think when it 90s i love that song exactly i was done for finding that as soon as i saw it i was like oh i love that song all of a sudden the song started playing in my head you know do you know the title for the book I thought was a masterpiece like me myself and I but over the US and Canada they don't resonate with me it's called it's CFS over there isn't it chronic fatigue syndrome interviews I've gone they've gone what's me and I'm like oh my goodness I've gone wrong a bit for the US and Canada I thought I'm gonna stick with it I'm not even gonna say I copied it from Della Soul no I didn't it's awesome thanks you know what um not only is the title awesome but your artwork where did you

come up with the cover oh my goodness I'm not joking you again it was a universal drop in my lap without even trying obviously I you know I have done magazine work predominantly I was doing theatre shows tv and all that kind of stuff proving the afterlife so to then go into this new realm of being an author and suddenly you've got to come up with a book cover and goodness knows what I was like oh man I just was totally out of my league anyway I just put a thing on Facebook to say I'm a bit lost because I'm so honest as the day is long and I just I just say to my people on Facebook, I'm lost. Does anybody know anything about graphic design? So this lady goes on. My sister is just doing her degree in graphic design. Perhaps she can help.

And I thought, well, I'll ask her. So she goes, well, what do you want? And I said, I need to have a butterfly because butterflies represent transformation and they're one of my most favorite spiritual creatures and I said I need to show the wings are broken though I need to have a naked woman because I don't know if you've got that far in the book yet darling but you know when I do my surrender naked I said I need a naked woman but I can't make it too cheesy and too booby she She's like, right. I said, plus I love the sea and I want that incorporated. And I just want it to look spiritual, but not cheesy. And my goodness, she sent that within about five minutes.

I just couldn't believe it. All my favorite colors in there. Seriously, the purple, the pinks, the bubble effect on the front of the cover. It's making me go goosey and I and her name is Verity Rock what a cool name Verity Rock she's going to be doing every single cover for all of my next books she is incredible she's just got such amazing intuition I couldn't have thought of anything better than that cover I just thought it was amazing what she created

yes that's like how Shanna is I'll have a vision and i want to create something which would take me like a month and she'll do it in five minutes and she sends it to me and i'm like she's like what do you think i'm like uh it's perfect there you go but you've got you've got that soul sister vibe going on between the two of you you're definitely part of the same soul cluster there's no doubt about it and you are and what I love about you two as well I think it's going to turn into a reading but it's not but you've got this waltz and all concept you know there's no facade between the two of you you really are soul sisters there's no doubt about that there's no doubt about it used to a so divinely connected it's wonderful energy between the two of you well thank you it's just your soul sister I thought

I'm with the love of my life now and I can't believe it because I always thought who's going to want someone that's here nobody's going to want me I need to pretend to be my old self and all the rest of it as in the book again when I look back I still keep reading the book over and over again because I find it cathartic to see that person who I can't relate to anymore you know I just refresh myself to remind myself and you do you attract and people keep and I get so many emails from people saying why do I keep getting assholes why do I keep getting bad men and it's because you think that's all you deserve and that's what I did I lowered myself to this expectancy where all I felt I deserved was whoever

you know liked me and it's so unhealthy and this is what I'm trying to educate women and men with is that what you feel about yourself is who you will attract as a partner including friends that we were just saying and so you know if you think oh god well I'm fat I'm rubbish I'm not good enough nobody's gonna love me blah blah blah the universe goes hello yeah I can hear that right okay we'll send you another dick do you know what I mean as in the dick that I had written in my book who stole my money and so that you get it you know and so the biggest thing I'm trying to get across not only is the fundamental you know message of hope and this message of that you're never alone and that to keep your faith and the rest of it but also is self-love if you can't appreciate

and love yourself then nothing is going to change in your life nothing and people just don't get that concept and that's what I'm trying to drive forward to those people that are stuck in this you know loop of rubbish and crap and not getting the job they want not getting the house they want not getting the partner they want and it's because actually subconsciously sending out this energy oh I don't really deserve it because I've had this done to me or I was told this when I was a child you know so there's a lot to be said about self perception because once you've smashed that and once you think do you know what I deserve that thank you very much I will have that oh yes that's definitely going to work for me I'll have that as well please because I deserve it the universe goes okay your guides go okay the angel realms go lovely now we're cooking

on gas let's give her what she needs to take herself forward and that is how I live my life now and yeah of course look you know we're in this covid mess this hecticness this year has been so full of dense energy and so for people like us three light workers sensitive souls empaths we are going to get a big hit now and then from the denseness of everybody else's fear frustration and anger so and that's how I see it and when I speak to my friends and all of them are spiritual all of them are spiritual they say I suddenly get a time where I just get so frustrated. I just cry. I just feel really crappy. And I'm like, yeah, it's because we are literally trying to stay in this high vibration with all this crap going on around us. You know, with all this control and God knows what's going on with COVID. And so I just bubble myself away from it.

I haven't got time to deal with that I've got time to deal with love helping people inspiring people and doing what I do on YouTube through my books through my writing and that's what I'm concentrating on the moment and this is what I'll say to anybody you've got to try and keep away from it because one minute you know Kobe's up with this one minute he's down one minute you're wearing masks one minute you're not and it's just whoa whoa whoa as a light worker and as someone that is very sensitive to the universe and the planet, I can't play this game. So you just play it elsewhere.

That's why I don't even watch the news anymore. Can't be doing it. It's not in my remit. My remit is sitting here having PJ parties with cool girls. Yes, you are freaking seriously cut from the same freaking clock. Oh my God. I wished I was over your way it'd be so great to be out with you girls spent yesterday and today planning a self-love workshop because

since the soul is built on that concept that that is step one self-love and so I was writing about it this morning and everything you just said is exactly what shannon and i've been talking about for two days oh you are so kidding me you couldn't make it up girls but nikki i had like this realization over the past month about how i used to be and what i had accepted about myself and when i looked back at it i thought like you you just said, wow, I don't know her, but I remember her. I remember her and I mourned for her. I cried for her when I realized it. And then I realized that self-love was the most important thing that ever happened to me because it connected me with my soul. And I, once my, once I was connected with my soul,

I realized that of course my soul needed love and I need, I was important. I was more than just someone's mother or someone's wife. But one of the reasons why I ended up on that path to self-love and Mandy did as well was because we were so full of pain because it's a stress that both Mandy and I were diagnosed with fibromyalgia at the very same time oh my god you two are so connected it's not even funny I know we're both diagnosed at the same time yes wow so you've been on a journey of discovery coping with those symptoms as well together so you were meant to be together for the same exact symptoms that I thought maybe I was crazy I mean I know I'm an empath but I was like god how are you coping with it then girls so first of all props

to you for the way you described it in your book I mean even like the way you're talking about like when you moved your eyes they felt like razor blades yeah yes so you're talking about, like when you moved your eyes, they felt like razor blades. Yes. So you also talked about at one point thinking maybe that you are a hypochondriac or other people thought you were. So Shanna and I both felt that way because I would text her and be like, oh my God, my hair is breaking. My skin's dry. You know, every single joint in my body hurts. When I wake up in the morning, my hands are numb. I feel like I have electrical pulses going in my body, like the most strangest symptoms ever. And thank God we had each other because she was like, you're not crazy. You're not a hypochondriac. I'm feeling the same thing. You want to know what Shannon and I didn't

accept the diagnosis. We decided we were going to say no. I know that I have real symptoms. I'm not taking away from that i had every single one of those symptoms in fact this morning i texted mandy i said i feel like i've been hit by a bus i know it's just stress the stress is attacking my body because it knows that it's trying to tell me that i need self-care right now that i haven't been giving myself something our symptoms were real very much real I mean and then they come back on and off yes you know as does stress and life and everything absolutely I mean we both had so much medication though at first oh my god we didn't have any more pain you know we didn't feel anything absolutely that was a problem I was a complete zombie I was numb I was just literally a walking

pharmacy so in the book is that I found a forum of girls from the US and over in the UK and they were my lifeline in the end because you really do feel that you're over you know you're making it up and you're just feeling sorry for yourself and perhaps this and that but when people start saying I know I get that. That's when I started feeling I belong somewhere and I could own it once and for all and say, oh my God, so do I. And that's why I wanted to really describe it quite graphically in the book, because so many people who've bought the book, who've got fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, have basically said, oh my God, I feel so grateful because my husband my mum my dad my brother my sister are

saying no no there's not this there's nothing wrong with you it's all in your head do this do that and so to make it real because society doesn't make it real we're kind of left behind there's millions missing left to just get on with it and they pump us full of drugs so thank god I was given low dose naldrexone you know my nan from the spirit world showed me that spoiler again it was a drug and again i don't like labeling myself with fibromyalgia and me or cfs however i need to at the moment because that label people are gonna relate to it and acknowledge that condition with me and go i've got this too but my actual soul is saying i'm fine i'm gonna be absolutely healed soon but at the moment i know that i need to own that label to reach out to the people who are laying in their bed, suffering and losing any sense of life that they ever had.

And it's the acceptance. That's the thing. I spent the first couple of years mourning. And you were saying about mourning your life. I was mourning the loss of who I used to be and the money I had and the house I had. And I was mourning all of this not realizing it was just material crap that meant nothing because I was in such a bad space I hated myself with a vengeance I wanted to punish myself all the time so then to come through the materialistic

rubbish and realize that as long as you're happy and that you're full of love and you're you know you're abundant in love you've got people around you that support you and you're trying the best you can with whatever condition you've got it doesn't matter if you live in a palace or a shack as long as you've got a roof over your head you're safe and secure and you're surrounded with love you're okay and this is what I wanted to put out there as well because I literally did lose every single penny I've worked so hard for 18 years in the police service as a detective bang all gone and that was what I found hardest was that the anger and the resentment and the bitterness that I'd worked so hard never had a penny handed out to me ever in my whole life I've worked for everything I got and then it all

went I was like really I was so angry so angry and that's why I lost my faith I thought I was cold reading people I didn't believe in spirit world I thought I'd made it all up you know the first time I saw spirit person was my dad two days after he died in a road accident when I was nine I thought no I imagine that it's like rubbish the fact that I went home and told everybody you know and I just literally had had enough of it because I was in such a bad space wanting to die every day. And I just sort of hate you. So, you know, this book isn't about preaching to an already converted angel lover and spiritualist person. I hated them.

I was a normal person without faith, totally lost. And they dragged me back from hell kicking and screaming. Cause I so wanted to lay in that self pity and that anger and that frustration, but they would not have it they wouldn't have it they dragged me back out and god bless them for doing it i just find that it's so weird that you know fibromyalgia chronic fatigue syndrome anxiety depression insomnia thyroid problems mandy adhd so are these all symptoms of just our bodies being under stress, our bodies not being able to let go?

Trauma, muscle memory. I think so. I remember reading a book that said the body remembers. Yes. And I think that, you know, obviously from my trauma, from my past abuse and the loss of my dad and everything else that took place, I think, yes, you do hold on to that trauma. But some people get a bit bit they misconceive that conception and think they're wanting to hold

on to it but sometimes we do need help to alleviate it because when I started getting the panic attacks and anxiety I'm like what I used to run murder investigations for god's sake why am I getting panicked about opening the door and going outside you know and it was it was overwhelming they are overwhelming aren't they the anxiety and panic attacks in the book about the nightmares and the dreams I had every single night they would repeat everything that I experienced trauma in and they were showing me that they were alleviating that trauma so that I could have this fresh new canvas to move forward but at the time I didn't realize it and I'm thinking god are they punishing me even more when I was really we hold brings out manifestations physically when I was reading that chapter I was like oh my god she's being haunted by her trauma absolutely I just

thought what the hell I was dreaming of exes and my abuse you know when my mom married an animal and I went I was going through that every single night and I'm like oh not again what I thought I was losing my mind I thought it was a breakdown it broke my heart reading that chapter for you because I'm like we sleep to escape that shit and then it's haunting you in your sleep I remember even now sighing thinking shit I've got to be abused again you know I've got to be punched in the face again and I literally went through it again again again but as the days went by I suddenly started to get power in the dreams and I started to overwhelm the energy of this animal and then I would stand up and just

say I feel sorry for you and let you go and it was the same with you know the man that I mentioned in there the same thing with him it was like I really feel sorry for you that you have to be in this environment to use me rather than me be the victim and every single dream unbelievably ended in me being the victor and then I never ever dreamt of it again and still haven't you know getting retired from my job as a police officer absolutely broke me but now it's like okay that's fine that's absolutely fine i couldn't even watch police programs um during that time because i would get nightmares of me not being able to be a police officer anymore now absolutely it's nothing it's all gone it's just gone into the universe and they've shown me how to do it now and that's why i want to help show everybody else how to do it because

there is mostly nobody in this world that hasn't had some sort of trauma that's going to affect if you don't want to please say no but i was thinking that it would be amazing for you just to read that introduction the prologue to just kind of give our listeners just a little piece of what your book leads into yeah of course and do you know what I've started doing on Facebook I've started actually posting photographs of like you know I don't know if you got to when I was living in the cemetery yes the cemetery beautiful yeah and I've just put pictures up of my cottage and the graves just to start giving people like a picture tour of the book just to give people a picture of what I was looking at because it is beautiful here Devon is just next to Cornwall and we are it's just the most stunning place full of moorlands

stunning beaches craggy coastlines and you know really I was in my dream space now I am I'm just literally across the road from the beach I can hear the waves now it is a beautiful place but to be in such horror in this beautiful place you know it's just it's just a really weird concept because everybody when I put the photograph on about the cottage like oh my god that's how I pitched it it's so beautiful but I was in hell at the time anyway yes let's do that let's read the prologue are you ready girls for I shall begin as I lay looking out to the sun bleached Devonshire Valley I felt that

familiar yearning to be walking through it. Houses were cheerily dotted along the hills that led to the Dartmouth estuary promising human life and interaction. In essence any normal person would have let out an exhilarated sigh. They would have smiled and thought how lucky they were to be in such an awesome site in such a beautiful location. Well no, not I. I resented these people busily leading their lives. To me they might as well have been aliens residing on the moon. I had not seen anybody apart from the postman for months. I looked out to the swaying eucalyptus trees and allowed the silent tears to continue their steady stream down my cheeks. eye sockets complained as I as this

familiar motion continually working overtime nothing stemming the pain they sang in a voice that joined the rest of my body chorus every nerve fiber joint muscle tendon bone and sinew roared demanding attention the insomnia drove me to near insanity along with the most demoralizing depression I was pretty much starving most of the time as to even think of preparing food was about as possible as climbing Kilimanjaro on roller skates. I had bailiffs knocking at my unanswered door and merciless bankers demanding money. The people who I thought were friends turned their back or simply got bored of me. I was 44 years old living like a 95 year old invalid my soul body mind and spirit was slowly dying and my god did i welcome death every single day death sublime taste of freedom from this eternal

imprisonment was all i could yearn for the thought of residing in heaven was my only reprieve i had nothing left nothing to live for i was lonely terrified of my non-existent future and grieved my old successful life. The rawness of loss never left me. It just continued to stab me with a hot sharpened poker whenever I thought about it all. The fight had gone. The battles of my mind and body raged on with no imminent victory. I was standing on the precipice, facing an abyss of darkness, uncertainty and fear.

How could I step back and prevent falling into a void of blackness and change direction? I couldn't as far as I was concerned. I drew the curtains, got back into bed and dreamt of suicide. That makes me go goosey. I remember that day. I remember that day. It's making me feel a bit emotional. I remember that day.

There was a bottle of morphine on the side bedroom cabinet. And I remember looking out onto the valley. Beautiful, lovely, big windows. Victorian cottage I was staying in. Finally had a home after being homeless all that time. And it was a beautiful day. I could see people, you know, walking around doing their bits and pieces down the valley. And I just thought that morphine could be in my mouth and I could be gone within 10 minutes and I remember thinking that and then my two dogs jumped both on my chest looking at me and I actually took a photo of them and again I'll be putting that on my site just to show that their two faces oh my god it's making me so emotional the two faces just looked at me like

don't leave us mummy you can't leave us alone because I knew that they wouldn't be found for ages because I had nobody you know coming to see me and I just couldn't do it because of that and the fact that in the back of my energy the back of my mind my dad had visited me when I was in Turkey to tell me that I was going to go through the worst time of my life and that I would bounce back and have the best life I could possibly ever imagine with work career happiness my own health and mind if you like and the fact that I'd be really happy with somebody and so believe me there were times I was like dad you're talking a load of rubbish you come and visit me from heaven you're talking bullshit but there was that in the back of my mind but that was the day that I thought I can't do this I can't leave them crying over my

dead body to be that dramatic and that slowly led to the surrender which obviously is the thing that I did under the full moon in the middle of a cemetery naked I can't wait to read that part because I haven't read your book yet but now I really really want to just talking to you for these few minutes what I found is very interesting is that you know Mandy and I did an episode on Veterans Day for her brother who passed away or who was killed in Iraq his master sergeant. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Yes, but you know what? He talked about how the more he told his story, the more he was healed.

And then he found it was interesting that he'd tell it like so many times and at different parts, his voice would start cracking a little and he'd get these emotions at different parts of it which i thought was so interesting because i just said you know maybe it's that when we tell the story because i know i have my own stories that i tell and the same thing happens right like every time do i get emotional and attach at the moment to that part, but it might be a different part. And I saw that in you, you know, when you were emotional. And I just wondered, is that same for you?

I found it very cathartic, actually, to write it, first of all, because someone asked me that a couple of weeks ago on Facebook or wherever it was. The other thing is, as well well I remember when the book finally arrived the first copy I had in my hands and my friend was here another beautiful soul right and she said how are you feeling and to begin with I just completely shut down I was completely numb because it was physically in my hands and then I burst into tears I absolutely burst into tears and it was crying for the person who was in that book during that time. I cried and cried for the pain that person went through and cried with pride, cried with humbleness that that person had come through so much adversity to then thrive rather than just survive. And it really took me by surprise how emotional I was, I could not stop crying. She's like, Oh, my God, you're right. I said, No, it's just a really weird sense of release.

You know, to physically have it and to know what is contained in those words in that book. To me, it was just it was like sealing the end of an era and healing from it. And I do even now, you know, there's certain parts of the book, even like the dedication where I put dad, I did it. You know, I always planned in my fantasy world that if I ever wrote a book, I would put that in there to my dad. I did it. And even when I read that out to someone, I started crying again. And I'm like, wow, you know, I just my dad has been the biggest part of my life from the spirit world. Are you all right, my angel?

Yeah, I'm just I love your story I know it's just incredible don't because you're going to stop me off but um it's one of the hardest things I had to cope with was the fact that I never had a proper father figure and I think that was part of my massive issue with men and when I wrote dad I did it I just know that he was looking down thinking yeah you did do it girl well done and to me that broke me as well that broke me because you know we're all human at the end of the day and I know that I get visitation synchronicity and signs from my spirit family and they basically kept me alive and kept me going and brought me to where I am now I know that without a doubt along with my guides and the angels that visited.

I didn't even know. I never heard of half of them until I Googled them. And I just but it doesn't replace the physical cuddle or the fact that I haven't had a dad all my life, you know. And so you do you just it gives you a chance. And it has given me a chance to investigate every angle of my being emotionally physically mentally spiritually and just you know checking to make sure I'm okay and that's why I still continue to do my soul journal the soul journal you know is the heart of the book obviously I incorporate all of my entries completely they're unedited completely real as you know the day is long they're exactly what I wrote at the time

when I could manage to actually pick a pen up and see because sometimes I woke up, my eye was closed, I couldn't even see properly. And so the rawness and the reality of that and putting it in there, I still do it now. It's a practice I do almost every day, my soul journal, I check in with myself. And just sometimes I flick through the book and read a page and then just check in with how I'm feeling about that now. So to me, it's going to continue to heal. You know, it's going to continue to heal whatever comes up in life. But I do know now that I did have a frustrate. We all get bad days. I had a bit of a bad hour. But now I just get this sense of challenge. It's like, come on, then bring it on on because it really doesn't phase me I really it's not like I don't care I know that I'm not alone I know the universe will carry me through whether

it's negative or positive and I know it'll be okay I know that I don't believe it I don't hope I know I 100% know and so when people you know say to me are you worried about COVID are you worried about no absolutely not well don't you care I care. But I know that whatever's going to happen needs to happen. And it's the same with anything that happens in my life. I know that I'll be carried through because I'm loved by higher forces out there. race whatever whatever your belief system is you are looked after whether you are consciously spiritually aware of it or not everything that happens in your life is guided somehow by someone that loves you up there they're trying to help you so for me to encourage people to open their energies up and say well well if there's someone up there come and help me and then suddenly they start seeing the results then we're going to get more people into the fold that we're all girls trying to do here is bring people to a sense of peace whilst they're doing their human experience this time round because really one human life and

i always use this analogy is a speck of salt in a huge ocean you know we're just wrote about that this morning no way i just wrote about being a speck of salt in the ocean this morning oh my god i can't believe i'm bringing up so many synchronicities you know and i just i'm just amazing aren't i i'm just you you truly are i wrote about that for our self-love workshop. I was going to send it to Shanna. Well, this is how it works, sweetheart, because, you know, my voice is just like double the fact that this is what you should be doing. This is what you need to put out next. So I'm just giving you synchronistic without even thinking about it. You mentioned that you have a few guides that you didn't even know that you had. Yeah. Tell us about them.

Yes, I do say meet the crew, don't't I there's a chapter that says meet my crew when I was a kid there was a show over here called Steptoes and Son and there was this man who was all crinkled up and he was always moaning and he had like grey kind of stubble and his messy old hair this man used to come to me and I thought oh my god and I used to be such a snob oh my god my God, how is this man I keep dreaming of? It was right in a brown sackcloth and all the rest of it. And I'm like, God, who are you? And it wasn't until I got retired from the police service that I started to get introduced to these guides. Do you know, I implement my spirituality and my work, my spiritual work. It's very much as a detective I need to have proof I

need to have evidence otherwise I'm not going to deliver it so everything I share with people has been proven to me through synchronicity signs or whatever so when this man rocks up old scruffy rocks up and says I'm your guide I'm like whatever so I said well you need to do better than that so he takes me off in this meditation cross dream and I end up in this cave. I can smell the sulfur. I can hear the water dripping. It's freezing cold and dark. A rock goes across, opens this cave door up. I walk out. It's red hot. There's cypress trees. And I said, where am I? And then this scruffy geezer, this scruffy man turns up goes I'm Julianus your interests vary Rome I'm like really okay I'm thinking remember remember google google and it goes it's 1452 I'm like okay and he goes

your name's Mary I'm like right and when I look in this silhouette I've got like this square hood thing on what the hell's going on so then suddenly we flash to outside a church called St Cecilia's and there's these pillars and a fountain in this courtyard and the church is beyond in this square in Rome. And then this man comes up to me and says he's Pope Nicholas V and that he presided over me and we were welcoming that house of Mary Magdalena at this time. I'm like, OK, anyway, it goes on and on and on. So guess I do rather than go oh I have a guide called Julianus from Rome I buy a ticket to Rome and I go out to Rome you let's have it oh yeah so I got I got in a cab and said take me to Saint Cecilia's church Trastevere Rome he just went see and I went oh my god it exists so he drives me to this place in the square there's the columns since Cecilia's written over the church you can see the ruins of

the fountain in the courtyard and I'm like oh my god I run out from this cab nearly forget to pay him run in and everywhere is exactly how I saw it and I even found a bust of Julianus who used to write prophecy in the church couldn't believe it so I started crying in there everybody kept seeing if I was all right my next stop was the Vatican so I thought hang on a minute Pope Nicholas V said that he presided over us in 1452 so I jump over to the Vatican and I don't know if you've ever been there but there are tens of thousands of people in there at any given time I jump over to the Vatican. And I don't know if you've ever been there, but there are tens of thousands of people in there at any given time. I go up to this guy and I say, where's Pope Nicholas V's crypt? No, madam, it's not here. Yes, it is. No, it's not. And I start getting angry. I couldn't believe it. And I've gone, yes, it is. And he goes, it's not in the guidebook. He isn't here.

So I just went off, forget it. And I walk through these thousands of people to this tiny little doorway right walk in second crypt on the right I'm bent over this crypt like a nutter crying my eyes out to the extent where I'm so hysterical that these nuns come and say madam madam you okay and sit me down so once I've got myself sorted I can't explain all this emotion I'm having I go over to the crypt. It's Pope Nicholas V who presided over the diocese of Trastevere in 1452 when they welcomed nuns into the house of Mary Magdalena. It was all completely true. And when I came out from the crypt area,

the guide found me out of all these thousands of people, he goes, you're a very special lady. He took me to the back rooms of the vatican and he got a security an armed security man to go and get me um holy water from the font of the pope from his private font and i've still got some left and i even healed my dog's tumor with some of that water so i felt i know there's something holy holy holy shit okay oh my god tell me about it it's real holy shit you know what here may be a connection to my very first past life regression 1432 i was a franciscan nun in austria oh my god i was i was some franciscan

that was the cave you know i forgot to mention it the cave oh i didn't know i don't know any about any of that i've never even heard of it before my regression i still don't know much about it oh my god my spirit guide is a monk and he he doesn't speak and i never understood it until like i put it together over the past few years he took about poverty he is a franciscan monk and he is my name is julianna c san franciscan and they what they had to do back in those days is spend some time in a cave to find themselves and once they've gone through this purification the cave rolls back and then they can go into their given place of service mine's San Franciscan I was a San Franciscan numb well I feel like I didn't want to be there

I feel like and I and I this is something I just discovered in the past month I think that I was a San Franciscan numb. Well, I feel like I didn't want to be there. I feel like, and I, and I, this is something I just discovered in the past month. I think that I was sent there for some reason because I was looking out this window that was a long, you know, there's, it wasn't glass. It was just a hole and it was a big concrete building. I've never even heard of this place or I'd never even thought of Austria in my life,

but I could see just these hills of green and all this stuff. Well, I found out there was a Franciscan church there and when I looked it up, it looked exactly like... Oh my... When you're describing how you were like, oh my god, this place existed, I was like, holy cow, it was amazing. So maybe we knew each other in a past life. maybe that's incredible life yeah it wouldn't surprise me because I do feel connected to you too you've actually been able to see spirits since you were a very young girl when did you discover that gift when I was a child I used to get prophetic dreams and dreams of being sucked to different light and flying all over the place and visiting various

things and I just thought everybody could do that if anybody touched anything that belonged to me I could feel the energy in my what I now know is more at field I could feel people even if I wasn't in the house touching my things or going near stuff like that I thought that was normal and then what happened was was that I was nine years old my mum come up and my auntie come up and basically said my dad had died in a road accident and he was only 38 my mum was left with nine year old me five year old my brother and my sister was only nine months old it was horrific two days after my auntie had come who was husband was also in the van that crashed um we said look we need to get some fresh air took the dog out for a walk and i couldn't believe it because driving right up and pulling up in front of me was my dad in his car.

And he put his thumb up and goes, it's OK, Nicky, I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm like, what the hell? So I start screaming in the street, talking, daddy, daddy. And so my auntie thinks I'm losing the plot. We go back home and I smash through the door screaming and really angry because you know they'd lied to me I just seen my dad how dare they lie and I was saying to my mum why are you lying to me so the less spiritual side which I think is my mum's side

and even though my mum was psychic herself um they kind of thought oh bless her she's in denial but then my dad's side that are all the spooky dookies they're all psychics mediums and healers and we go back generations my granddad said look darling you're special you're going to be seeing people that passed over and he goes and obviously dad is the first one he has gone over to the spirit but he's just come to visit you and you're going to get this all of your life now and that kind of just pinged it off you know I started seeing spirit people and all sorts of things however when the trauma started when the abuse started that kind of bubbled away in the background and the only thing I remember is I remember being sung to after I was abused when I was rocking away in a corner somewhere and I could

hear this chorus and it felt like a radio playing somewhere I could have never quite you know get where it was and later in life when I did a workshop talk about expert I'm doing a workshop for these people for angels and I'm crying my eyes out when we come back from meditation because I've just been up to the celestial gardens at the crystal palace seeing the seraphim and they've said welcome back and I'm like why do you know me they said we sang to you during your times of weariness and I'm like oh my god and so the seraphim would sing to me during all that time but then also during that time I started to develop an armor this anger this hatred and yeah go on then punch me again and you know he ended up stabbing me and all sorts of stuff and I and I and that's when the anger kicked in and I developed this armor who was hitting you and who was stabbing

you it was my mum's husband that she married because she broke that my dad was a love of a life she was 32 when it all happened and she ended up turning to drink and um you know Valium she just lost the plot basically and this man showed interest in her and again it's another reflection of self-worth she was a broken soul and just thought well someone's gonna look after me he turned into be the most violent animal out so he used to beat the absolute crap out of my mum and me he hated me with a vengeance because i wanted to be a police officer. And he was a very dishonest man anyway, always in trouble with the police. And the problem is, I felt at the time

that my mum was letting him do it, sexual as well as physical, mental as well, all of the time. So he smashed me into a state of complete lack of self-love. I hated myself, obviously deserved these beatings and the way he touched me and way he spoke to me I was told I was never good enough the first time I got a job and bought something for myself at top he said you just look like effing whore so you know I was basically molded into this angry lost broken soul that had no way to grieve you know my dad grieved the loss of my mum because she we lost her even though she wasn't hadn't passed and really you know she had a lifetime of misery and she was

broken her whole life she was broken her whole life and it was such a shame um and so I really didn't have a lot of spiritual interaction then when I got into the police service I was a police cadet straight out coming from school at 16. And it all started coming back again. And I'm really ashamed to say that it was a party trick. I used to sit there and do readings in the canteen at the police headquarters for people and give them fortune telling. And then if we went out, I would say, see that man over there, he's a carpenter, his name's John or whatever. And they go, oh, my God, he's a carpenter. He's called John.

And I used to just play with it. And it wasn't until, and it's awful to say I played with it. I was only young, God. And I got attention from it. It was another way to get attention and admiration at the end of the day. I recognise that now. But what really hit was when I was in a bar, this lady was there. And she was a friend of a friend who I'd met up with.

And I suddenly blurted out without even thinking about it I said that man that you saw murdered at the holiday camp says you need to forgive yourself and lose the guilt because it's it's not your fault you need to leave it and she dropped her drink and went ballistic she just lost her shit right there and her husband's going what did you say to her what did you say to him like Christ so she's going no no it's all right I just can't believe you said that. And basically she'd witnessed a man throw another man down the stairs on holiday. But she lied to the police because she was so scared that the murderer was going to come and get her and her family. And she'd held all this guilt for this time. The murder victim came to me to tell her let it go it's done and so I thought oh my god I've got some responsibility here I can't play around this anymore and weirdly enough it's not weirdly universe did it that weekend where I used to live there was a psychic fair in the community hall and I remember walking in and this lady went come here she goes you are not

coming here for a reading are you I went yeah I am she goes no no no you should be giving them sit here now and I sat with her the whole day and I used to go her name was Rose I used to go around her house and she used to she's taught me how to discipline my energy discipline when I spoke and didn't speak to the spirit world showed me various divination tools which I've been playing with tarot since I was a kid you know because it was always on the table at my nan and granddad's but she showed me sand divination mirror divination she gave me a history of spiritualism that I didn't know about and she kind of got me on the path so I ended up being a cop during the day and a psychic at night doing parties oh my god you're my favorite kind of cop oh it's so cool because i got so many arrests from it because i just knew what people had done and i knew what places to be in what

time i used to find missing people i found the motive for a murder yeah when a husband killed his wife so it but the hardest thing was i've said this before actually the hardest thing was because i'm not an expert witness being psychic we had to find ways to get the evidence in. Right. You couldn't say, oh, you know, Detective Marley's a psychic, it's like, oh, we got an anonymous call, you know, we had to write it up so that it could be visible. Where's the drugs? Where, I know it's in your left pocket on the right side.

Yeah, exactly. And you're fucked and you get pulled over by officer nicky allen exactly i was just absolute i was it was that was a nightmare just you just saw then that i said detective morley because my actual real name is morley but i work in memory of my dad and his name was alan when i did my first documentary um on television they said look you know do you want to have a stage name because you know people might connect you to being a carpenter detective you know you need to change to be a bit more spiritual so I thought easy I'll work in my dad's name so that's why my name is A-L-A-N because everybody always misspells it as the surname Adam but did you ever

do cops like bad boys bad boys what you gonna do You said documentary and I was like, man, I'm gonna look that up. I bet she is good. Oh man, I was called the Rottweiler. Wow. I was called the Rottweiler. I was scary. Don't get me wrong. I was very laugh out loud and love to make people laugh.

And I was the party girl. But if you cross me, I'm gonna smash you. And I was also amazing with rape victims and murder victim families so yeah you know what I was going to bring that up I thought it was very interesting that you were able to specialize in those areas considering you were a victim of sexual assault not only by your stepfather but also when you were like seven years old you got drug into a bathroom and sexually assaulted what is your armor is that yeah my armor was this loud in your face girl so that you

couldn't get close to see how weak and lost i really was so this armor was this whoa i'm here don't worry nicky's here and i used to be the drinker and do all the daring stuff all the rest of it however with victims you don't know what it's like. And I go, hey, yeah, I do. And then I would tell them my experiences. And then I instantly got that rapport with them because I've got it. I've got it with them, what it's like to be a rape victim. And also, you know, I certainly wasn't murdered.

But, you know, nearly all my family have passed now. I've only got one auntie and uncle, brother and sister left else is dead you know I don't fear death and I know exactly you've just had a huge orb just go past you man you've just had a huge orb fly over your head huge just gone right the way down past your head that was incredible it's white so it's definitely a spirit person I'll see if I can work out who it is um but basically yes so I never feared death so if anybody had to be told you know their family member was dead or they'd been murdered they'd send me because I had no fear in it I knew that I would always be a strength I knew exactly what to say and do with people that being told something that was going to break their life forever I found myself absolutely being a strength

in that area I had no fear of it and I know exactly how to cope with it and I adored doing it and I know it sounds really bad the people used to call me the angel of death oh my god because I go yeah send her in go you should go and tell him that you know someone's just been shot or whatever I used to absolutely adore my work and the problem was though the biggest problem was was that I would see the murder victim in the room you know their son's just been killed or whatever and the son's standing there and I'm like my god don't look don't look don't say anything don't say anything but in the end there was one particular one where a guy had a gangland shooting he was shot on his doorstep in front of his son and his wife it was horrific at the time and he was there so quickly he was there so quickly and he used to wind me up and go go on

tell her I'm here tell her I'm here and I'm like can you just shut up you can't do this I've got to be professional can you just shut up please he used to look like a certain character on a cartoon so he used to turn the channel over so eventually when I got to know the family they're going it's really weird the channel keeps turning over to when I got to know the family, they're going, it's really weird. The channel keeps turning over to this cartoon character. And we always said that that was him. And I went, can I just tell you something? And this was about six months on, you know,

because you stay with them right up to the trial. And I basically said, I'm going to tell you now, he's been here most of the time. I said, this is what he's wearing. I said, that's what we decided to bury him in. I didn't have a clue what they were going to bury him in and you know he would say things to him and go that's my nickname I go right well he's saying it so there were some times when it brought comfort and it felt right but other times I couldn't say a word you know I used to interview people and see a murder in the person and they're sitting there

going no no I wasn't there got a total alibi and I'm like oh my god I just see you do it and that was traumatic to be fair you know me watching someone murder someone it's not nice to see but I can handle it and I think that's why I get a lot of murder victims come to me and if there's a serial murder out and about oh my god straight away the victims come to me as well. Do you find compassion for these murders you know a lot of people want to chalk them off as that they're going to hell. What are your thoughts on that? Interestingly, I asked this way, way ago. There was a serial murder in Ipswich and I kept getting the victims come to me. And weirdly enough, I even randomly was doing readings for people that turned out to be family members of them and they were just drawn to phone me. And so I wanted to

know about the murders. And what happened was was I was doing a reading for someone and I couldn't believe what I was seeing because her nan come through her grandma come through lovely lady and then suddenly I'm seeing blood throats being slit and I'm like Jesus Christ and so I've gone oh my god she goes go on please please tell me and I went I don't know if I can this is horror and I could see these two twin babies getting murdered right and she goes please tell me I've been trying to find a psychic please tell me what you're seeing and in the end I basically said to her I'm really sorry but your nan's brother he killed these two baby twin babies on a beach and then shot his head

off he turned oh my god she goes you're the first person to pick this up and I'm thinking you're gonna get baking cookies from your grandma no it was hell and so I said can you please excuse me I'm going to go off I want to sit with your grandma because I want to know what happened to your uncle your great uncle because he killed his sister's children so she explained the grandma explained that he was exposed to mustard gas in the war that sent him mental and he had a throwback on the beach because he was left on the beach during the war having to fend for himself and allowed him he ended up killing the babies in front of everybody and then shooting his head off i'm like jesus so immediately you think bastard he's gonna go to hell with the rest of it but it

turns out that i said what happens to him what happens is he going to hell she goes no no no no because his intent was because of a man-made effect on him he will go to the halls of learning learn what it feels like to go through this process as a victim himself and then he will go to the halls of learning learn what it feels like to go through this process as a victim himself and then he'll go to what they call the pool of divine truth right i'm like okay what's the pool of divine truth she didn't tell me and i found out years later so basically i come back and said look he's not going to hell he didn't intentionally do this he basically was exposed to something that sent him completely mad and the twins are up there holding hands with him and so is your nan up there and they're all happy

together because he's gone and done his learning so anyway I learned then about this health thing so it really was bugging me and then after a while I was I was up in what I call the crystal palace I've been taken to heaven hundreds of times and what they've done they've given me a man map they've given me a map because you can't really describe in human terms heaven because it's all layers of energy and frequency so what they've done is they've kind of given me a map where I know where everything is and so when I've taken my students on up there they go I turn left I think that's the cherubim chamber and they're going and it was cherubim I'm like yes so even my students have backed up my map that I've drawn of heaven right so anyway I'll keep asking about what happens to murderers and bad people and so in the end they obviously answer because they said right we'll show you we'll show you what happens so everybody

thinks there's a heaven and a hell there is a purgatory there is an energy they've taken me there where you've got souls that haven't crossed over, souls that have perhaps taken themselves over or done bad deeds down here that won't go anywhere. And that was awful. It was horrible. There's a purgatory where people are in limbo. So I've been there. It weren't nice. So then they take me to this chamber and it's a big pool and there's all these, you know, the cute cherubims are on the wall and in gold leaf. Beautiful place like an indoor swimming pool basically with gold gilt everywhere and so they said just walk along the pool go down the steps and get in the pool so I'm like okay and it's it's like milk milky white pool so I lay and they said just lay back so I'm laying back in this water and I can see all these things like tadpoles like bright fluorescent tadpoles and they're zapping in and out of my body and I said what's going on they said they're called sentience I'm like okay then suddenly the cherubim come off the wall and line themselves around the pole right and they're looking down at me and then the most

scariest thing happened scared the shit out of me their faces turns into oxen or lions really ferocious and I'm like Christ so these sentients are doing their thing and then I just feel sublime I feel beautiful and great and there's love and light and angel faces and God knows what apart from these scary face of the cherubim so I come out and they said you have been judged I said what do you mean they said this is where we take we wanted to show you this to show you where we take the bad souls. You don't go to hell. You're not judged by God. You're taken into this pool and the sentience will check your soul for what you've done down on the earth plane. Then the cherubim will lie in the pool. And if you are wrong and if your soul cannot be rectified and is not supposed to be reincarnated again, you're judged by the lion faces and the oxen heads. Then what happens is I saw the pool bubble black and your soul dissipates into its own filth.

Right. And you go through whatever you've created on the earth plane, whether you've murdered or caused pain to a thousand fold. It is shocking what karma you have when you've murdered or caused pain to thousandfold it is shocking what karma you have when you've done really bad things so I'm thinking wow this is really incredible but of course girls you've got to hit the google button so I find the old testament I just put in cherubim chamber and my god I find in the old testament right that I've never read the old testament right i've never read the old testament in my life it says about the cherubim chamber which is the right hand of god and they shall judge you with the head of lion and oxen and it's written in the bible in the old testament well and the seraphim are described as yeah having the faces so got four faces that face northeast south and west and they're at the

beginning of creation they bring dawn to planets with archangel ariel mother gaia they also bring up multitudes of um souls that have passed in a natural disaster for instance a tsunami terrorist attack you didn't know any of that no they've taken me up and shown me oh this is that because i've got my next book which is you won't leave me which is already written it just needs editing which is all about grieving from a spiritual and a human perspective it's about how to use mediums and then how to start a spiritual relationship with your loved ones that have gone over and then it ends with true stories of people who've had their loved ones prove that they're with them just ordinary people it's a fantastic book so that one's and then the next one is going to be my

map of heaven i don't know how i'm going to present it but it is incredible you can go up i've even done it on youtube i did a guided meditation i thought i'm going to try it i go up and see my family in heaven it's called the reality layer right i go up and see them and sit my nan and have a cup of tea she tells me anything that i need to know or warns me about stuff i see my mum my dad everybody my dogs everything so I thought well if I can do it surely I can guide people into it so I did a guided meditation on my youtube channel and my god so many people have gone up okay I'm gonna do it today I can't do it what is your youtube channel what is it it's just Nikki Allen I'm psychic medium and author i think it is okay if

you go on there look at the guided meditations and it will be visiting your loved ones in heaven right and everybody's getting there i can't believe it and they're going up visiting people and so i went up there and i thought this is interesting they say oh we'll take to the halls of learning now so this is a place where you do your life agreement before you come down with your soul cluster you meet your soul guide and this is where all the guides hang out right and it's where the scrolls are written for the akashic records archangel metatron so and then i was taken to the chambers of the archangels and i know if i want to visit a certain archangel i'll go up and do that then there's the cavern where the omnipresence is, which is the source of the whole of the universe, which is mind blowing.

And how the source showed itself was its face was all different pictures of the planet. Crying baby, war, laughter, happiness, kissing. And his face was manifested into that. However, I ended up writing a fiction book called Earthwalkers six years ago and it actually predicted Covid it predicted the arena bombing in Manchester we had here and I wrote it as fiction but now I think it was actually fact and they were telling me the state of the planet and teaching me about heaven so I've got to find a way I don't know the approach yet but I know that I need to share this because everybody wants to know what happens after you die and I know I've been up there so many times fountain of youth

all that been there and that basically is a celestial fountain where the seraphim scoop up and it's all this energy from all different planets scoop it up and use that to heal people so when I was last up there there were a load of soldiers from Afghanistan there being healed that have been brought up on mass by the seraphim and it was just so beautiful to see and so I know most of the layers the cherubim chamber there's also one that's just a huge eye and almost reviewing you like Archangel Jeremiah does in heaven when you first go up he reviews your life with you and it basically reviews and looks at what you need to go forward it looks straight into your soul and tells you this is what you need to do so then you'll get inspiration when

you're in that room of what move to take next this is what i'm trying to tell people the thing is is that i think sometimes we're embroiled in a bubble of psychic nutters you know spiritual new age rubbish and all the rest of it and i think this is all turning around the awakening is starting there are so many more people awakening during this year of balance to a spiritual way of life and that's exactly what they told me would happen because of the crisis we're in both in you know the global warming the way we treat the planet mankind war and obviously now the covid they said this would happen and i predicted this all six years ago in this fiction book I should have done it as a fact and basically we're all awakening to this sense where we will be connected like we are now emotionally physically spiritually and we will start being more aware of that we can phone in

home and say look I need some help guys come down this is what we're aiming for now because we get into a crisis stage where people just feel abandoned on the earth plane. And so it's up to us. You know, we do this day in, day out, trying to bring as many people into the fold as possible to say there is a lifeline. You just got to open yourself to it and grab it. It's that simple. Thank you for sharing that. Can you tell people also what else you have on your website and everything that you offer? Oh, yes, darling. Do you know what? It has been limited because obviously I have to watch my energy, my physical energy. But at the moment, obviously, online is the way forward, isn't it? I've already got an online prison living course, which is all of the tools that i was taught and given during my five-year journey

by the angel realm spirit guides and my spirit people um so i'm doing that i'm going to concentrate on online stuff more in the future obviously i've got my youtube channel where i do reading people as well as educate them on everything paranormal and spiritual i do do email readings but really everything is about the writing teaching online and YouTube and I'll be obviously updating that as I get courses written up I'm going to be doing a tarot online learning course which will be half video half written connect with me on YouTube or my website nickiallan.co.uk Facebook is Nicki Allen Twitter, Instagram, they're all Nikki Allen. If you just put N-I-C-K-Y-A-L-A-N in, then you literally find me anywhere. It's that simple. I love it. I love it. You have been such a

pleasure. I want to say, I wanted to read this. I want to read this for our listeners. You guys, this is out of her book. Highly recommend everyone gets this book. This is a story of loss. This is a story of finding true faith. This is a story of survival and the strength of the human spirit. This is a story of miracles and amazing synchronicities. This is a story of redemption and self-discovery. This is a story that she hopes will reach the hands of the desperate stuck in their darkness and who on reading it will find their way back to the light. What I love most about it is the hope that you are offering to the readers. Absolutely. That's all I want to do,

my darling. And I'm now the most happiest and abundant I've ever been in my life. So that just shows you once you surrender and let that higher power in, you will not step a foot wrong. Does everyone that surrenders have to go get naked in a cemetery i don't can they let me know when they're gonna do it i'm down when covid's over i might fly out and let's just go have a naked girls night in a cemetery i'm telling you guys i'll just get it all out i think really powerful things like just laying in the sea you don't have to be naked and you just think you know what i don't care because i'm happy thank you so much but so do you darling and you just gotta keep believing and knowing that you deserve the best out of this human experience before you go back up and by doing that you will

get it you just have to be patient and now it's time for break that shit down. I love it. I'm going to break that shit down. What I want to say is what to the naysayers you mean and what I want to say about them. But do you know what? I'm going to be honest, right? I had two reviews out of I've got so many on Amazon that are all five star. I had two reviews. One was and you could see from both of them that they did not get spirituality. One of them called me a whinger because of my illness. And one of them said that it was all my own fault. I created all my own problems because of the men I chose.

But the whole point is that she should have fundamentally seen the reason why I did that. But she didn't. And I just car boshed it. You know, don't get this book. It's a load of rubbish. I'm like, do you know what? and it really upset me to begin with but you know what what i will say by breaking my shit down is i know that as spiritual workers we are bold in our presence and we are willing to put our head above the parapet to all of the idiots and the people that don't get it and what i say to them is stay in your little ponds stay in your little dark little silts of rubbish and denial because you're the ones that are not going to get the full experience of this human existence and when you go up you're going to regret it but what I do say is keep an open mind read this book reach yourself out there and start realizing that you when you feel you

deserve the moon and stars you will get them so these people that gave me a bad review, go do one. And for the people that want to be open to changing their lives, read it. And get on board with us girls, because we're doing good here. And there's thousands of other people doing good. And this is what this is all about. So let's keep our heads above the parapet. Be open to the trolls and the whingers and all the other people that say what they want to say about us nutty people but you know what we've got it right sisters they haven't no they're

sleepers oh hell yeah none of them are awake are they but i get one awake one awake in a week i'm happy it's been such a pleasure oh my god i love I love you. You are freaking adorable. Girl, I love you. I just want to so give you a hug. I want us to hang out. I know. Or Prosecco. God bless the both of you. I've had such a lovely time. You're beautiful.

You too, hon. Bye, darling. Thank you. Thanks for being with us today. We hope you will come back next week. If you like what you hear, don't forget to rate, like, and subscribe. Thank you. We rise to lift you up. Thanks for listening.