Senses Working Overtime with David Cross - Brian Quinn

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

Brian Quinn (The Tenderloins) joins David to discuss scam artists, Disney World, and more. Catch all new episodes every Thursday. Watch video episodes here.Guest: Brian QuinnSubscribe and Rate Senses Working Overtime on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review to read on a future episode!Follow David on Instagram and Twitter.Follow the show:Instagram: @sensesworkingovertimepodTikTok: @swopodEditor: Kati SkeltonEngineer: Nicole LyonsExecutive Producer: Emma FoleyAdvertise on Senses Working Overtime via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So I gave her all my guess. You can either have couch or the chair. Yeah, I mean, I guess the couch, right? Sure. Do you have a preference? No, no, Marla. I'm setting you up out. We're going to go.

I don't have preference. So you don't know. Well, I'm going to set you up out here gonna go, I don't have preference so. You don't. No Marlo, I'm gonna set you up out here, okay? Why? You can stay here, it's fine. I can't even open it. Oh, oh.

But uh. Yeah. Alright. We're right here. Alright Brian, thank you. Do you want Quinn? Do you want Q? Do you want Brian?

Brian's fine, Q, everybody calls me everything. What about B. Ryan? I've not heard it yet but I like it I like the sound of it all right so like be be Ryan be dot Ryan whatever like that okay how's this see I've zelto though this does it Brian. One two one one two one two three Yeah, that's great. You're uh, are you doing straight stand up or y'all going out? I'm not doing any stand up. That's uh, the uh, we tour. We do uh, a show like Impractical Joggers live show where we do our version of stand up. We show videos and stuff like that. But when it comes to solo stuff like, I like doing stuff with my friends and kind of having fun. Yeah, solo. But the other guys tour solo.

Sal and Murray and Joe. Wow. Well, I know. Yeah, I know. Sal does I ran into him at benefit. Yeah. And I know Joe does. Yeah. You're the loan you won, you're the holdout. I like working with friends. Are you scared? What are you scared of? No, I'm not scared.

I just like- I don't believe you. I don't think- I don't know that I'm scared. I think I'm just like, when am I going to go to Wisconsin by myself to throw some yucks around? I guess when you put it that way, what if it wasn't Wisconsin?

What if it was say Colorado or Michigan? I mean, I guess when you put it that way, what if it wasn't Wisconsin? What if it was, say, Colorado or Michigan? I mean, I guess I would go like if I if it was like rock, there was somebody was like, you want to go like look at rocks in Colorado by yourself even then? Well, you do both. You go look at rocks and during the day and then at night, you know, for an hour, you make some sillies and then. Yeah. I don't know. It just doesn't call to me to do it. It's not fear.

Then you shouldn't do it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was, you know. Nobody who doesn't want to do standup or doesn't have a calling should ever set foot on stage. That's what I think. And I respect the craft. So who am I?

I don't want to go up there and be like, well, it's good. Hey guys. So you never, you never have, there's never a moment where you're like, ah, I wanna do that. I got, or having a thought, you're walking down the street, something happens to you. Yeah. And you're like, oh man, this would make a great story.

No, I like writing more than I like performing. So maybe it would go into that. But I think now it just hasn't called to me. I have too much fun doing it with my friends, I think, to be like, I wanna go do it by myself. Yeah, but they're two separate things. You can do both. I mean, I did sketches and I also did stand up.

Well, you know, I think it also is a matter of, I think it just doesn't call to me. I think about like, I like performing. Okay, that's the answer. Yeah. If you don't feel it in your gut, and I think most people do, and I would imagine your friends. Yeah. You know. Sal really does.

Yeah. You know, Joe really does. Mer does as well. I don't know. I think I could write something funny if I was like, let me write something, but I think it's a craft. All right. I'll give you five minutes. We'll stop down. All right. And then let's see what you come up with. Do you have any of those snacks that she has? Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah. Fruit, the Welch's a craft. All right, I'll give you five minutes. We'll stop down. All right. And then let's see what you come up with. Do you have any of those snacks that she has? Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.

Fruit, the Welch's fruit snacks. I just think that like. Okay, we're back and it's been five minutes and let's see what Brian or Q or Quincy. E Ryan. I think we were decided. E Ryan, Q, Incy. Yeah, yeah, I got this great bit on cats.

Okay, let's hear it. You know, I found this cat in my yard the other day and. Ha ha, get outta here. Yeah, yeah, true story. You know, I kept him. Yeah, yeah. You know, his name's Boris. Okay.

And I got. Wait, you named him Boris or his name was he had a tag? No, no, he didn't have a tag, I named him because he's kind of like a, uh, he's a mutt. He was born under a deck in my yard. Well, how would that make a, uh, what, what is it about a mutt that would mean they would be called Boris? Oh, well, he, he's part Russian blue somewhere in there. And it really gave him like a silky Russian bluesque fur.

So I just thought Boris was an appropriate name. Okay. Yeah. Now I'm gonna say that's not very funny or- You have notes. Just an overall note that I would just lose it. There's nothing to even punch up. You're just saying you found a cat. What if I, but if I showed pictures of Boris

and people would be like, oh man, that cat is cute. Would it make it funnier? That's the thing. And you did write this down, so I gave you time. Yeah, I spent a lot of time. I know you said we only cut for five minutes, but it was really more like two and a half hours. Yeah, I wasn't gonna go there. But uh, you know, I had I had an interest around it to give blood

I also have to receive blood you keep mentioning that yeah But I there too, you know I give blood around the not far around the corner and the Gramercy and then but to where I've received blood is in Yonkers There's this guy and it's a fifth floor walk-up. You got a Yonkers guy. Yeah, I received blood is in Yonkers. Uh, there's this guy and it's a fifth floor walk-up. You got a Yonkers guy? Yeah, I got a guy in Yonkers. So I get my blood. Um, what, uh, and it's just the heat fifth floor walk-up, man.

That is, it's rough. That's rough. Well, I think a lot of it affected my, my act a little bit. Right. Me being gone for so long. Yeah. And all the blood talk, it really, you know, well, the blood talk is now, is happening now.

So that shouldn't have affected your writing at all, unless you could see into the future and realize that we were, I was going to mention my. Now that would be a talent. That would be a talent. And then you wouldn't even have to worry about stand-up. I could just bend spoons. Okay.

Yeah, right. Have you ever seen, oh fuck, what was his name? Oh God, Yuri Geller? I've never oh fuck, what was his name? Oh God, Uri Geller? I've never met him, but I've seen him. No, I didn't. Yeah. I think, is he still alive? I think he is.

Is he? Okay. There's some really great footage of him. I think Johnny Carson was a magician before he was the Johnny Carson we all know and loved. And he was one of those guys who, he's my daughter, he was one of those guys who, as most of them are. He still love? Johnny Carson? No, he died. He died. Yeah.

But would call out and was happy to call out and show up these frauds, these guys who claim to be, have mental powers or superpowers or whatever. And Yuri Geller was one of them. He's just a fraud. Yeah. Didn't he heat the spoons? Yes. He had like three or four tricks.

And then there's a guy named The Amazing Randy, who was also a very talented magician, who there was a documentary about him, who the last half of his career, he just spent debunking and to their face in front of people. And then, so Carson has, and you can YouTube this, he has him on the show and he's supposed to, it's like move a spoon or move something with his mind.

And they both know, they know how it's done. So they don't allow him access to this, whatever the thing, the simple thing he was gonna do with like blow on it or something. I wish I had a little bit more information, but it's so simple. Whatever the thing is, he needs this thing to be there. Sure. And they're like, oh, you can't, we don't know. Because he's not bending spoons with his mind.

No, he can't. It's not a real trick. It's just a real thing. It's a parlor trick. So he's just on there in front of, you know. He's on the Carson show. Yeah. And Carson doesn't allow him to do the thing that he wants, he needs. And it's a really simple thing. Like I must move the salt and pepper shakers here, whatever. And then he can't do it, of course. And it's pretty great, but there's also like, why ruin it for everyone? Um, you're like milking people out of like, yeah, not just not like, Hey, you want to go see a guy? He has my nickel. I'll see

him bend the spoon. But he wasn't like robbing people out of like their earnings or no, he wasn't, he didn't have a pyramid scheme going or anything. Yeah, so why not let the guy, like, why can't we live in a world where it's like, it's just like we have. Because it's, I understand it from a, certainly from a magician's point of view, like you've worked really hard to do this trick. We all understand it's a trick. Yeah. But then if somebody comes in and does the same trick that we all know is a trick and then says, it's not a trick. I'm actually imbued with super powers.

And then I think you, then I think you've created a situation that is ripe for ripping people off. I guess, but like, I tend to look at it as like, it's just part of the showmanship. I mean, at the end of the day, you're still all doing the same tricks. So like, Carson just didn't like his brand of showmanship? So, you, it's, right, it's only interesting if you believe that he can actually bend a spoon

with his mind, right? Otherwise, it's like, well, yeah, you rubbed it and you made it. That's like a life hack if you need to get out of a locked car or something. It would be amazing. I would love it. I would love it. But I don't know, I would feel personally, I'd say, well, you're full of shit, you're lying. I guess I don't like liars.

And when you take that, here's, here's, here's a thing. You know, have you seen, what's the fucking thing? Baby Reindeer? I have not. Okay. I've heard a lot about it. Okay. No reason to watch it.

That's part of what I heard about it. Um, I, so I, I, I watched the first four episodes and I, I was, I realized I wouldn't give a shit about this story or the way it was filmed or the way it was acted, any of it, if it wasn't true. Right. Okay. So this is kind of the inverse of what I was saying, but the, the fact now that it might not be true, that they stretched a little truth, uh, makes me really dislike it. Well, it's interesting.

Like, where do you draw the line on that? Because to me, it's like, I, if we don't think that Yuri, if I don't think that Yuri's really bending spoons and he's not, then him claiming to do it is just to me, part of the, part of like the act. Like I don't need to. Sure, it's part of the act, but I think it's fraudulent. And I have, yeah, I don't then, wouldn't you feel compelled to turn to the person next to you

who's going like, oh my God, he's got magic powers. He's like Jesus. And you're like, no, he's just heating it up and then bending it. I mean, I don't want to like that person really believes that he's bending spoons. Yeah. And they vote and they vote. Sure. But like, I don't want to. So I'm watching it in America. We're in a, we're, he came to. Yes. All right. We're, I'm on tour doing stand up in Colorado.

And opening for you is your is Yuri Geller. He's fallen on hard times. I don't think he's opening up for Quinn at the, uh, the fun zone. Yeah. And, um, it's just outside of Eau Claire. Yeah. A strip. The actual, the, the deals from Dave and Buster's are better, but I, but sure. We'll get that.

Um, and then, but no, I don't want to take that from that. Why do I want to be the person that says like, Hey, you know, that sense of wonder that you're feeling right now, not a kid. Who's not a kid. The person next to you who's watching. I mean, it's not like you're going, there is no Santa Claus. You idiot. But you're doing a ver certainly doing a version of that.

All right. What if there was an adult believed in Santa Claus? But why I don't want to be the last thing I want to be in the world is the person that steals wonder and joy from people. See, there, all right, I want to be the first person in the world. Oh, okay. There are people I would love to steal the joy,

you know, I would probably enjoy it. Yeah. You know, friends. The cast of Friends? Why, what about them? Well, I will- Now now are you a Chan? I mean. I've never seen a full episode of Friends.

What if you cobbled together all the bits and pieces you've seen? Would that be a good episode? I would rather watch the bits and pieces with the ladies. You know, if I'm gonna watch Bits and Pieces, I'd rather watch, you know, Jennifer Aniston. Is that a euphemism? No, no, I'd really rather just, I mean, I'd look at bits and pieces of Jennifer Aniston for sure. But I don't know. It just, it never really.

Can I remind you of my seven year old daughter's right there? Yeah, I know. So let's dial it down a notch. With the Jennifer Aniston talking. Yeah, the bits and pieces. Yeah. Sorry about that kid. See, I don't want to steal her wonder. You're just seven, why would you? Right.

But a grown person who believes, like, I don't know, there's a deep state rogue, you know. Well, that's not a sense of wonder. That's a sense of paranoia and fear. Ex Navy SEAL named Q, who has all these secrets and like, you wouldn't want to go, well, no, that's actually just this guy out in Singapore. I guess I don't equate the wonder of magic tricks and, you know, buffoonish entertainment

with deep state conspiracies. But he's not saying it's a magic trick. That's my point. I like magic. I appreciate it's a magic trick. That's my point. I like magic. I appreciate it. I respect it. A good magician is great. Worked really hard on it.

Magic castle. I love going to the magic. You've been to the magic castle. I have twice and I went very reluctantly the first time and I was like, second time though. Second up was great. Yeah. And so it was the first time that the first time I was like, what,

I got to wear a jacket. I was being really dicks about it. Yes. I don't like, I hate I got to wear a jacket. I was being really- Oh, they're dicks about it. Yes. I know. They are. I don't, like, I hate dressing up for anything. And like, oh, I got to wear a jacket. So pretentious and dumb. And I really, there was a group of people going to my girlfriend at the time.

And then, but it's great. I love it. Yeah, it's really cool. And then I went again with, for a friend's birthday. And it's just, it's awesome. And they're really talented. The skill is, you can't even imagine it. Yeah, it's really cool. And then I went again with a, for a friend's birthday and it's just, it's awesome. And they're really talented. This skill is, you can't even imagine it. Yeah. And, and I see what you're saying. There is something to like looking at

them doing it and being like, I know it's, I know it's trickery. And they're still awesome. There's still wonderment. Yeah. There's still, how did you do that? But they're not trying to tell you that they have super powers. But that God imbued them with this magic ability that only they have. Like, well, is that when they take their, take your money,

you're like, fuck you. Well, you're never like, if I paid him $5 to watch him bend the spoon, like I gave him my money. Yeah. Okay. So, wait, so you just walked up to Yuri Geller and said, hey, I got five my money. Yeah, okay. So, Wait, so you just walked up to Yuri Geller and said, hey, I got five right here.

Yeah, Ben, that's cool. Ben, that's boom. And he's like, let me put these salt shakers right here. And I was like, you go right ahead, man. I ain't Johnny Carson. Not gonna be a dick about the whole thing. If you need salt and shake right there, put it there. I don't know, I like the idea of like that yokel

sitting next to me, really believing. Is there no more magic in your life? Is there no wonder. I like the idea of like that yokel sitting next to me, really believing. Is there no more magic in your life? Is there no wonder? I like magic. I've said it a hundred times. No, no, not magic. I mean, is there no more sense of like, oafish wonder, I guess, in your life? No, I'm an adult. There's no room for it. There's no room for me believing that a person has been imbued with special powers by God.

And those powers end at bending spoons. What a useless dumb thing unless you're going to rip people off. Well, he did it. I know, that's what I'm saying. All right. There's no way that I feel I understand how the universe works, right? Right.

It's just beyond us, right? Like, I don't know what's going on. Right, yeah, okay. We have ideas and they're being refined and changed every day. Sure, they might be outdated in a hundred years or something like that. I think, it's just like, I just accept that.

Like, I don't really know much about how everything really works. I don't even know how electricity, how you have water, you dam up water, and then there's, then I can power the, I don't even understand that part. Water, at least I can get the, like the hill, the reservoir to your faucet.

No, no, I get, yeah, I get gravity, but I don't understand, like how you your faucet. No, no, I get, yeah, I get gravity, but I don't understand, uh, like how you have a dam. Sure. I mean, I understand the simplistic overview. How you build it though. How you build the dam. Well, while the water is flowing, do you have to

dam up the dam? You dam, uh, you do it, uh, I think a practice dam. So they're like, just a little guy, you get a bunch of beavers and then you're like, wow, this while they're not looking, well, the water's not looking. Well, really, we don't even got to be the fucking papers there. They're doing it. Right. Right. No, I don't get it either. But I don't know anything. So it's just like, what if like next year, you found out like, oh, actually, there is like this component of the human mind that when stimulated allows you to physically affect the world around you. I s I still wouldn't believe it. You still wouldn't believe it. Nope. Wow.

No, I still, I just, I don't believe I don't. What's the benefit. Of not believing it. Or believing it. Yeah, not believing it. Okay. The benefit of not believing it is hopefully I'll never get ripped off by anybody who sees me coming

down the street. Yeah. Okay. And the benefit of believing it is, I don't know, you tell me, what is the benefit of believing it? Well, I don't believe it. I'm just saying. What would the benefit be?

I think the benefit would be, I don't know, it's just like a slightly cooler world than the one we live in. Like it's a little bit, life is so hard and life is so, you know, at times brutal and humiliating. So wouldn't it be nice to just- Are you talking about your standup now or just- My standup is fucking awesome. Like my standup, you don't even understand how funny it is,

man, I got this bit about this cat, it kills. It fucking kills. In Wisconsin. In Wisconsin, in Ohio, parts of Milwaukee. Parts of Milwaukee, what parts? Mainly the south side of Milwaukee. Where the Fonzie statue is, that shit kills. They love the cat.

I'm surprised that they didn't make the Fonzie statue a little bit bigger. It is. It's. You can miss it. Statue. You can, it's just like a guy. It almost looks like a guy, you know, like a street performer, busker thing, or a guy dresses up in gold and gold and then doesn't move until you put a

dollar in the hat. You like those guys? I love those guys. I fucking love those guys. I believe that they are really gold and they really cannot move until I place paper currency or linen currency into their hat. The coin of the currency into their hat. The coin of the realm. Yeah.

Into the hat. That I believe in and that's fun for me to believe in it. And it makes my days and, and weeks and months go by like that until I, you know, I'll be on my deathbed and I'll- Still thinking about it. Still, and giggling. Where were you? Like how, you know, not so much like how did they do that, but that they did it, that they are really made of gold. That they did it, I know.

It's stunning. Anyway, whenever I pass that Fonzie statue, I'm expecting it to move. How often do you? I try to go once a week. Once a week, yeah. Because there's a direct flight with Ununited, I believe. I get it.

So you're one K by now, premium, they let you board first? I just started. Oh, nice. Yeah, I believe. I get it. Yeah. So you're one K about print like one K by now premium. They let you board first. I just started. I just, yeah, I just started next week. Do you think that they made that statue life size and he's just not a big. I've worked with Henry a couple of times and, um, also truly one of the sweetest, nicest, just genuine, awesome people you've ever. Somebody's falling for that, for that URI-esque. Um, and he can, you know, he can bend if it's a soft, uh, shoe, he can bend a shoe,

like a sneaker. That's cool. Um, he's the Fonz though. He's the Fonz. Is he still the Fonz? Uh, I legally, I don't think so. I think that, like, I think 2014 is when that. So it's up.

It's just up. It's been up. Yeah. It's up for grabs. Yeah, it's up for grabs. Um, uh, don't quote me on that, but I believe 2014 is when the, right. The rights went away from Henry.

And so they're going to just throw that statue right in that river. Tear it down. I don't know. I mean, you know, it's the, rights went away from Henry. So they're gonna just throw that statue right in that river, tear it down. I don't know. I mean, you know, it's the, I know that there was talk of pulling it down, a la, you know, the Hussein statue. Topple it, to really topple it.

To topple it, exactly. That's the word I was looking for. To topple it during the whole, you were around for a cancer culture, right? Uh, I mostly ducked out. Okay. So it was a big deal here for, I mean, it wasn't a real thing, but it was, okay, people were talking about it a lot. And, uh, uh, uh, I mean, the irony of, you know, that they were freely

talking on podcasts and TV and radio and, uh, and just talking about how they couldn't talk about things, um, anymore, but, uh, um, so they were going to, what they were pulling the Confederate statues, getting rid of like the Robert E Lee statue in Virginia and whatever, um, they got rid of that, huh? Uh, I think they turned it into another Fonz statue. See, now this is what- Well, they're gonna put that one on top of the other one

because it's a little small. It's surprisingly lifelike. I love that idea. Yeah, two Fonzies on top of each other. I mean, your daughter's right there, man. I don't know if we wanna get into this two Fonzies. I mean, she's gonna find out anyway at some point. She's gonna learn one day.

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And we thank bluuchoo for sponsoring the podcast. Do you need an opener? Um, I do actually. That is some sweet timing. Um, what is it? When am I there? I'm in Milwaukee on the 27th and the 28th, I believe. Of June.

Of July. July. Um, and, uh, and then it'll be in Omaha the following two days, or I'm in Omaha and then Milwaukee. I'm not sure, but I'll be doing two nights there. Definitely need an opener. And I'm going to bring my daughter with me. So she will, with her eyes, see the two Fonzies on top of each other and say,

daddy, why with a tear? Why would God allow this with a one tear with one teardrop tattoo that I'm going to put on her so she doesn't get messed with, you know, that's exactly right. That's why exactly. Yeah. So nobody's going to mess with her. Yeah. I could do like a tight five on the cat. If you need no, no, no, not you. Oh, I'm sorry. I

thought you were, I thought you were asking me to open for you. Nope. No, no. I answered your question. Do you need an opener? And I said, yes, I'm sorry. I thought you were I thought you were asking me to open for you. Nope. No, no. I answered your question. Do you need an opener? And I said, yes, I see. I didn't. If you had said, do you want me to open for you? I would have said no. Oh, I was more of an offer than a question.

But yeah, no, no, no, no, no. It's. Yeah, well, it didn't sound like an offer. Sound like question. I mean, it was a question. Yeah, I guess I got to work on that. I got to work on that. I gotta work on my networking skills in general, I think. Oh, that's, you know, regardless of how you network,

I'm not going to have you open. Nothing I can do will get you. Just get better at standup. Have a desire, have it be from here. And I'm pounding on my heart for those who can't see. Well, what sort of advice do you have for a young man such as myself who's starting out in standup? I would say, the first thing I'd say is let's work on your definition of the word young, you know, and then we'll take it from there. What do you consider young?

And then we'll take it from there. What do you consider young? You know, they say 50s the new 40 So I'm gonna who's they the 60 year olds? Yeah, they gotta say they look in the other direction. They're fucked Yeah, I guess young I guess, you know, maybe maybe these days. I don't maybe you tap out at like 42 What of life? No being young. Oh, I don't know, maybe you tap out at like 42. Of life? No, being young. Oh, I see. Yeah.

Um, and you just give up at that's how it works. Oh, you're tapping out. Me? No. Oh no. You're, you're still young at heart. No, 48, but 48. So you, so you're six years removed from being young.

For my youth. Yeah. I don't understand. Yeah, that was my youth. 42 was, yeah. When I was young. Now I'm like middle aged. Sure.

And what do you expect to be an old man? I think that that hits maybe like, I think in today's era, maybe like, maybe when you're 72, you kind of like, all right, I'm old. I think in your 60s, you gotta be like, right? Like you're still young. I don't think like you. Well, thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

I think cause like, if you, it's all about, like when you, when someone dies, right? If they die at 60, you're like, oh man, they got robbed. Yeah. You die in your seventies. People are like, you had a good run. You had a good run. That's a good, that makes perfect sense. robbed. Yeah. You die in your seventies, people are like, you had a good run. You had a good run. That's true, that's a good, that makes perfect sense. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's how I def- So if somebody dies when they're 70, you're like, ah, they had, or they die when they're 60 rather, you're like, they had 10 years left. They had a good- What are they doing? They missed their last 10 years.

They fucked them. Yeah, now how do you feel about people pushing 88 89 90? Go for it, man. I love it. Really? You don't think they're being life hogs? Um, like just sort of leave leave some of that for us younger folks? I don't think it's a pool that we all reach into. Because if it was possible to do that, I would I would have done that already. Hmm.

When you when you have if there was a pool of youth to reach, well, be not youth so much as just life, living. I think I would make a great vampire because if I could suck the youth and life out of someone, I probably would. Who would be the first person? Well, you wanna suck up, you don't wanna suck down, right? So you wanna get someone who's had a pretty good,

easy life and take it from. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. So a Kardashian. Oh man, I could live forever on some of that. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you not like the conditions? Uh, personally? Sure. Uh, I don't like what they represent. I don't like what they, uh, you know, I don't like being rewarded for not doing anything real and no discernible talent. they contributed to this warped idea of what reality is. It's false and phony and I think most of the tears are bullshit. I feel bad in a way,

but then again, who am I to feel bad? Maybe they're just happy and they make other people happy and you know, with their, you know, concealer, their lines of concealer. And- They're a lot like Yuri in a way for you. Yeah, kinda. Yeah.

I don't, I'm not a, I'm not a, I just, I don't like bullshit, you know? There's no phonies and there's no bullshit as that you like. Like one of my favorite books, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, right? Chuck Barris wrote it, for anybody who doesn't know, he's the producer of the dating show.

Gang show. And the gang show, he was a producer of the dating show and the gong show. He was a host of the gong show. He wrote an autobiography in which he claimed that he was really a assassin with the CIA. Brilliant. I thought never admitted that it was fake. Went to his grave claiming it was true. The CIA is like, no way.

He's like, well, what the fuck would you expect them to say? So he's like a Kardashian, what the fuck would you expect them to say? So he's like a Kardashian and a Yuri to you. No, I think he's, he's fucking with and, and the fact that you don't know and that we don't know is kind of a testament to it was kind of either a brilliant prank or it was true. It's one of the other. Uh, but there's, but the Kardashians aren't pranking us. No, they're other. Uh, but there's, but the Kardashians aren't

pranking us. No, we're not, we're not, uh, under some, you know, uh, we don't truly believe they're, they're, uh, so talented and, and, you know, it's not like they're tricking us. They're just vapid, you know, vessels. I mean, I guess my thing is like, if he's like, hey, I wrote this book in which I'm telling you I'm a CIA assassin. Give me $5. How different is it from your being like, hey, man, I'm going to bend some spoons. You want to check this shit out $5. Well, I think the fact that you that one, you know, wrote a book.

Sure. Makes it puts it into a different category. Okay. I would, it'd be interesting if Yuri Geller wrote a book about how he was a CIA operative. You know? That would be wild. I will tell you one book that you should get. Please.

I'll have to, it's, I got to remember the name from it. John Benjamin and I have read from it on stage. It's letters from, I don't know how to pronounce his last name, but there's a rabbi who is like a Hollywood rabbi. He goes on these shows name, but there's a rabbi who is like a Hollywood rabbi. He goes on these shows. He's Oprah's favorite rabbi. And he does like sex talks and whatever. And his name is Shmuley B-O-T-E-A-C-H.

So it's a botiac or a botiche. And he is the most, he's just a media whore, one of these guys who just loves being on TV, loves talking about himself, all this kind of bullshit, deep, deep, Park Chopra type of simplistic platitudes and just, you know, feel good. And, you know, take a moment to close your eyes and think of lavender and, you know, one of those,

uh, got no use for guys like that. None, zero. And he and Uri Geller wrote a book and it's their quote unquote letters to each other. And they're just this gushing, dick sucking fucking, it's just so- So Uri wrote a book. Uri, well, quote unquote wrote, they're, they're supposedly letters. You just can't give Uri anything. No, I'm not.

Why won't you give him anything? Because he's a fraud. He wrote a book. He, he, they're, they're, they're presumed letters to each other, but they clearly knew they were going to write a book. I don't think Uri has a way to win with you. I just think he doesn't have a way to win with you. He doesn't. He's a liar and a fraud. But so is Chuck Barris.

How do you know? How do you know? You're right. You're right. I don't. That's the thing. I know Urie Geller is a liar and a fraud and taking your money under a false pretext. So you think there's a shot Chuck Barris, who's one of my heroes. I'm not trying to bring down Chuck Barris. I like to believe, to quote the Ryan Quinns. Yeah. I like to believe. What's the harm in believing? It's a sense of wonder, man.

Why would you take that away from me? I don't want to, I want to give it back to you. That's what I'm trying to do. Happy birthday. To me. Yeah. To you. When is your birthday? April 4th. Happy birthday. To me. Yeah. To you. When is your birthday?

April 4th. Mine's March 14th. Okay. So you're a Pisces? Uh, I, well, I was born Aries, but I'm, I had it legally changed to Gemini. Was that a difficult process because. Yeah, there's all kinds of stupid red tape. And I did this in, uh, Georgia.

So they, it's different state by state. I know it's easier to do it here in New York. I think they have services now that you could just like, you just go online, you fill out some forms and then like. There's a place out in, uh, out of Scotland that will, uh, it can like, you know, that you pay them two grand or whatever it is. Um, so whatever it is in pound sterling, uh Sterling. And then, and they will facilitate everything and get all the paperwork done and get everything stamped and underized.

You're dealing with the Scots though at that point. Say what? You're dealing with the Scots at that point. Yeah, you know, I mean. Oh, I'm sorry, I was thinking of the Irish. That's right, I like the Scots, Scots great. So what about the Irish is? You right. I like the Scotts. Scotts great. So what about the Irish? You know, my last name is Quinn. So I've always felt like this Irish, I'm going to say Irish

curse. That sounds wrong to say. Wrong in a, like incorrect or? Yeah, I don't want to. So there's no curse. You're saying. Yeah. I don't, I don't want to say it like that, but I think that like when people find out my last name, they're like, Oh, cut this guy off, man. Right. Yeah. From drinks. Yeah. They're like, don't don't serve him. That's enough. He's Irish. Yeah. I went on a cruise once and I bought like that bracelet that they just serve you all day. Yeah. And I don't, I don't know, but I like that.

Yeah. It's just, they serve you all all. You don't have to pay for drinks. You have the band. That's the concept of a cruise, right? You just pay everything up front. Unless they find out you're Irish. And then they're like, Whoa.

Right. And then it's just potatoes. Oh, that's all you get. Meat, potatoes, boiled cat. Everybody else has eaten. Everybody else has eaten lobster and, uh, uh, beef Wellington. And they're like, have some, uh, have some more potatoes and, and, uh, some cabbage. And I'm like, it fucking Patty. Yeah. I'm like, fuck man. Yeah. So anyway, uh, but I liked the Scott's. So no, I would go to them for that.

Yeah. Yeah. Going to the, they do a good liked the Scott. So no, I would go to them for that. Yeah. Yeah. Go into the, they do a good job. Irish, you know, lazy and, uh, very, you know, quick to cancel cancel culture. That's where it started. Yeah. I think that would be the last. Once anybody looking into their rooting around in the past. Yeah.

The troubles. Yeah. That's something they had, right? It's yes. That's the troubles. Yeah. That's something they had, right? It's yes. That's historically correct. Yeah. It's such a good feeling to find a pair of jeans that fit perfectly jeans that are comfortable, high quality can be dressed up or down for the, for, for me.

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Now look folks, this is an amazing deal. Don't wait! Get 20% off your first order now! Shopduer.com. I was in London last week. For the Troubles reunion? I was in London last week for the Trump for a root troubles reunion. No, it was, uh, I was, the Mets were playing the Phillies. Uh, sorry. You know, I went over to feel the disappointment of loss in a, on another country and, uh, went over there and I met this, uh, young man named Harrison,

who was a, uh, a gypsy traveler. They live in. Oh yeah. Right. Those there. So the travelers So the travelers or the tinkers. Well, he seemed very serious that I call him a gypsy. And I was like, I don't think that that, I was trying to do the thing where I'm like, I don't know. And he goes, fuck that, man. He goes, my mother fed gypsy to me through a tit milk and I'm a gypsy. That's one way to do it. Yeah.

Yeah. So this, he was Irish. This is what, you know, this is what I'm getting at, you know? So he's a tinker. He, he's a gypsy. Yeah. Well, those, uh, He said he didn't have a birth certificate.

That's probably correct. Yeah. I believe it, or they didn't save it, you know? Yeah. They're a very specific, uh, group of folks. We don't really have the equivalent here in the States of the travelers or the tinkers. I know, but they- Tinkers? Tinkers.

Tinkers? Tinkers, yeah. What does that count? What's the root of tinkers? I don't know. It might be derogatory. I don't know. Oh, probably.

When they're in, because they'll come to England and do all that stuff. So that you have the Irish and the gypsies and the, or the Romanians or whatever. And then they live in the caravans and there's kind of a, you know, I know that they are, there's a lot of derogatory things said and thought about them that I can't certainly can't vouch for.

But I do know that there was a while ago, this is for real, there was a bunch of folks came to Disney, the one in Florida, Disney World, and did tried to do some scams like brothers and sisters and families. And they were trying to scam the Disney world and the hotels and all that stuff. Oh yeah. Good luck. Yeah. Well, they, they got caught obviously and they got hurt because they, part of the scam was getting hurt for real and then trying to sue. And so it's somehow, I don't know if they like, you know, they've been with that bottle, you know, kind of thing. Yeah.

And it's funny because they were probably, it was probably 90 degrees and they were in the flat cap and the, the wool vest and the wool pants thinking that they were just, I don't think they were from the early 1900s. No, this had been, no, this wasn't, they weren't, no, it wasn't, uh, do they fall off splash mountain? How they like, what I don't remember, No, this wasn't, they weren't, no. It wasn't- Do they fall off Splash Mountain? How'd they, like would they- I don't remember, but there's a whole thing that I read.

This is, it gotta be 10, around 10 years ago or something like that, but it was a whole- So they probably were- Like families came over and it was part of a scam. And I think the, I want to say it was a brother and sister or pretending to be a couple or some weird shit. They involved their kids in it. And it was like, uh, and they were travelers, tinkers, whatever. Well, I feel like they can't be real tinkers or travelers because they had to have documentation to get in the

country from, they had to fly from whatever, God forsaken Irish village they came from. So you gotta get on a plane with passports and stuff like that. Can you, what about a boat? Yeah, I mean, I saw that movie. I saw that- Titanic? Avatar.

Yeah, no, no, no, it was the one- Rope Furiosa? It was the one where everybody down below was playing violins and having a good time. And DiCaprio was like, this place is the best. Hellboy. Hellboy. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. It's one where he had the horn. The bolt kind of thing. Yes. That was it. And he was coming over from Ireland. And you're right.

He didn't have papers when he got on the ship. Yeah. But what are they doing? They're going to go against Disneyland's lawyers? That's the fucking, like, you guys. It's not gonna happen. Well, they were not successful. Yeah, no fucking shit they weren't successful. You can't get away with anything.

They're not bright. You know, they tell you that, they tell you at Disney that if you complain about anything, you get anything for free. Like, have you ever heard that? Like, just go to the front desk and be like, oh, my visit wasn't exactly perfect, and they'll bend over backwards.

I've heard that my whole life. No, I haven't. It's not true. Did you try it? I got this fucked up looking Mickey Mouse ice cream. Like the ear was like down here. And I was like, this isn't, this is outrageous. Like you guys are charging $5. And they took the ice cream up to the front desk.

Damn straight. I did. And I was like, what's. The front desk of Disney World? Yeah. When you walk through the gates, there's like a, it looks like a firehouse, but it's not really a firehouse. Cause that would be cool. It's like where you go to complain and where you go to get rejected because they were literally like, it's ice cream. So you got your ice cream, but that went a couple of miles away and then got back.

Right on Main Street, brother. Right on Main Street. And believe me, like the guy selling, he's got the suspenders and the hat and the straw hat and they go welcome to the old you know when life was good and they and they got the picture of Mickey Mouse and it's got two ears very clearly two ears sure and then I get it I unwrap it from the single-use plastic mm-hmm Disney and one ears down there bad bad right yeah and it's like that's not so I was like well this is my opportunity I, right? Yeah. And it's like, that's not, so I was like, well, this is my opportunity.

I'm like, it's a free ride from now on. So what happened? They were like, you can still eat that ice cream. And I was like- Well, they got a point. But your issue wasn't that you couldn't eat it, it was that it was a misrepresentation of your childhood hero.

My point is I can eat a lot of things. Yeah. I can eat that plant. Go right ahead. I don't hear us. Yeah, I can eat that plant, you know Right ahead. I don't you want to be shaped like Mickey then I would go I believe well we have hot sauce Yeah, but but like I feel like I should have just got the experience I wanted and the time I got there was like melted Like cuz I don't want to I don't want to lick it or eat it cuz I don't want to cuz then they're gonna be Like you just fucking bit right you're off dude. Yeah, I don't want that. It's a what do they say? They didn't give me anything

They said no you could you could salute that That was it and that was that was it I was like not a front-of-the-line pass and they were like no that's for people in wheelchairs Wow, yeah, which you could rent there so for people in wheelchairs. Oh, wow. Which you could rent there. So. So can you see you rent a wheelchair and that's cheaper than getting the front of the line pass? I think that front of the line pass doesn't work anymore. Oh, so how do you get in the front of the line?

How does a guy, how does B Ryan Quinn's get to the front of the line? Gets on the line and he just fucking waits. He waits for somebody to go, hey, you're the dude from The Thing. Yeah, and then I hope that the person, you know, the guy, you know how they were in character at the Haunted Mansion and they were, you know, I'd say 80 to 1,000 degrees

and he's dressed in black like a mortician. You hope he's like, oh, I like that show, but in character. Oh yeah, yeah, it had to be in character because he gets fired. I like that joke. Yeah. You step right this way, that never happens. When you were at Disney World, did you see Yuri Geller, the Yuri Geller experience?

I didn't, I didn't, I didn't even know they had it. I did see Joey Fatone from NSYNC. Sure. So. What'd he do? He sang, he sang a little, he sang. That was a very strange response. Yeah, he do? He sang. He sang a little, he's a very strange response. Yeah. He sang, he sang and he sang to more synchronized dance and then he walked

out the door to a store. You've seen it. Yeah. Yeah. You saw the show. I'm not a fan of the song. Oh, he does it great. His version's. Well, he's a professional. I believe he's going when Fetone and those pipes. Yeah. Yeah. You saw the show. I'm not a fan of the song. Oh, he does it. Great. His versions. Well, he's a professional. I believe he's going when Fitton and those pipes.

Yeah. I believe he's, he's going to the store, but, uh, but he's a fraud cause he's not going to a store and he sings it every time and he's full of shit. And the right away, we're right back to the beginning. He's, he's no liar. And I'm not, I don't want to give him my money. I don't want to give money to liars. So when you go to Disney, you pay that like thousand or $5,000 fee where they're like, we'll walk you around the bat.

You can't walk around Disney, right? No, I say, well, I don't. I have Hillary Clinton's people call and I'm like, David Cross would like to come to experience the park. Can we shut it down for the day? Right. And they then there's a, there's like a good five, six, seven minutes back and forth who and then you give them the IMDB page and then they Google and all this stuff and they're

like, well, what has he done? How many awards has he won? And then, yeah, they get the whole thing. And then eventually you, this is the only way it really works. He's got a week to live. And so we pull that card and then I get 50% off the pirates out of the Caribbean drink.

Nice. Cause that's, I mean, they don't put rum in it, but it's, they make it taste like it's got rum in it. So that's, they put, they put something called, uh, from, and, and it's like fake rum from FRUM, not F R O M. From, no, I love it. Yeah. I was there one time.

It's called Funrum. Funrum. Funrum. And it's for the kids? Yeah. Yeah. And I bring my own rum in. I had a reconstructive shoulder surgery about seven years ago.

So this is, I've got like, um, we're gonna go polymer, resin, uh, screws in here. Uh, but they're hollow. I got four of them. So I fill those with rum and then I can pop them back. And I take them. So is it just, is it just you push them deeper in and they go into your bloodstream or you have to pull the screws out and then pull the screws out and then unscrew the screws out and then.

Unscrew the screw. It's part of the top. And then, uh, you don't get, it doesn't hold a lot. Maybe an eyedropper is worth, but I have four of them. But you went on pirates of the Caribbean. No, I got the drink. I got a 50% off a Pirates Pirates of the Caribbean drink featuring from fun rum, which I had my own rum too.

Right. Yeah. I could see that. I see that the ride has been rebranded heavily with Johnny Depp. Sure. So do you think that they were watching that trial? Like, Oh man, what the, what do we do here? Are we going to have to pull down all these Johnnys?

That was part of, oh, oh, the trial, right. Yeah, yeah. Right. Didn't... There had to be a way that it was going to go, that they were going to be like, get them out, get Johnny out. Right? I suppose.

I mean, they have a pretty squeaky clean image that's part of what their deal is Thank you. Thank you so much I'm just trying to make through my stand-up cellar sparkling. I will take sparkling. Thank you. Okay, Emma. Thank you Okay, thank you. Oh Thanks, man, yeah See if I can add some bubbles. Okay, thank you. And I can drink it. Oh, thanks man. Yeah. Drinking like an Irishman. Thank you.

How's this going for you? I think it's going well. I think it's going really well. I don't know if I would go on record as saying it's your best episode yet. Oh, I mean, that's not. I don't think I should be the one to say it. That's not gonna happen.

Yeah, you don't think anybody out there is gonna be like, that was it, man. Like, that was, holy. Well, who's that lady you came with? That was my friend. So she might say that. She would not. Yeah, trust me on that one.

She's a good friend. She's honest. She's a good friend. Keeps you grounded. She will not, she will not. Doesn't let your head get too big. Yeah, trust me on that one. She's a good friend. She's honest. She's a good friend. Keeps you grounded. She will not, she will not. Doesn't let your head get too big. Yeah, but is it the worst? No.

Oh. No, the worst I think we could all agree was my wife Amber. Oh, okay. Yeah, that was. I don't co-sign that. What? Yeah.

I don't co-sign. All right, so who do you think was the worst guest? The worst episode. No, I'll tell you off, Mike. I'd have to think about it. Okay. No one's coming to mind though, which I think co-sign. All right, so who do you think was the worst guest? The worst episode? I'll tell you off, Mike. I'd have to think about it. Okay. No one's coming to mind though, which I think is a good thing.

No stand out bad, that's what it says. But not this one. You cool? This one's a little tough. This one's tough. This one's tough. You'd have to put it in the bottom three, right? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, how could I sink it? I mean, if we're gonna, if I'm gonna be at the, I mean, I'd rather be at the bottom bottom. Yeah. Yeah, like how do I how do I get worse? You just gotta take all your clothes off and leave Well, then I'm gonna get then I'm gonna get then I'm gonna get the cancellation Yeah, cuz of my seven-year-old knows as my tattoos. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're not in fashion anymore Oh, what are they? I across?

In a way. Yeah? Yeah, kinda, kinda. Well don't tease me, what do you got? It's just a Superman tattoo, which. A Superman tattoo? Yeah. Oh, but like the uber-alis kind of German. Yeah, he's got a little mustache.

It's really like, I don't know what I was thinking last week. You know I have Hitler on my body. Do you? Yeah. What is that? Right. There's Hitler. I can't really see it. What's he up to? He's getting spanked by God.

Well, all right. Yeah. Well, that's a happy ending. Yeah, there you go. And his tears are creating the clouds which create the rain, which grow the crops. What's the story there? I mean, I know the story of God.

Of Hitler? Oh yeah, sure. Little baby Hitler was born in Austria. And did you see the curse, the show? No. Should I? Yeah, it's great. It's all about Hitler.

It's all about the, it's like Hitler's origin story. It's Emma Stone, Nathan Fielder, and Benny Safi. Emma Stone plays Hitler. A version. A version. Yeah. A version. A version.

Yeah, not a virgin, Hitler. He got laid. Say what you want about Hitler. That guy got fucking mad. That guy got so much pussy, man. Yeah, that guy crushed. Oh my Lord, Hitler. That guy got fucking mad. That guy got so much pussy. Oh my Lord. Yeah. That guy crushed.

Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. I mean, I guess if you got to say something about the guy, that's it. Yeah. And he's the one that killed Hitler, which is funny. Who killed Hitler? Hitler killed Hitler.

We all talk about, let's go back and kill Hitler. He did it. Oh, that's right. Hitler killed Hitler. Do you think he went back in time? I mean, I'm going to, I'm going to fucking kill this guy. We all say to ourselves, yeah, if I, I would go back and kill Hitler. Yeah.

Cause we like to think of ourselves as the hero of the story. Sure. But he's the true hero. He's the fucking one that killed Hitler. Yeah. Wow. That's a crazy twist, man. That's a, that's fucking Chris Nolan

inception type crazy turning on itself. Yeah. So what do we, nice thing back in time and said, I'm going to kill, kill Hitler. Me. Yeah. I'm going to kill me. I'm going to do it.

This monster. Uh, is there now that's good stand up material, right? That's great. I don't know if you saw my last special. Oh, did you tell that on stage, that exact? Sort of, it's, I lead you to believe, I go, it's towards, it's the end of the special,

and it's called The Worst Daddy in the World, and you wanna hear something- Well, this is like two months old, right? Yeah, it's like, yeah. But I found out yesterday. Um, this is such a bummer. Oh, and what I'm about to tell you is true. Okay.

So I felt, uh, still feel that that, that set that special was the strongest in the last like three tour, like going way strongest in the last three tours, going way back. The New York Times did an amazing review, just couldn't be better. It's just really, really good. And I was like, you know, guys, I think I have a shot at getting nominated. I'm not talking about winning an Emmy, but nominated, you know, with, because it's always the same group of folks, right? You know, it's Dave Chappelle and.

I know it's never in practical joke or so. Yeah. Nor should it be, but, um, uh, stand up for talking about stand up. And, uh, you know, it's the same handful of folks each time. And, and, um, and it was like, I think I have a really good shot. And if people see it, who knows, but it's just about just recognizing it, you know, cause I do think it's the best stuff I've done. Yeah.

And, and, and then the, I belong to the Academy, you know, I'm a voting member. You got those screenings. Well, you don't, you, now it's all streamed. You get, but you know what I mean? You can get access it through the vote. Yeah. The app, right? Yeah.

So I went to vote, you know, and there's 10, you got 10 days, right? And I went yesterday, I think there's three or four days left, maybe. And, uh, can you, can you see where you are in the standings or no, no, no, it's just a big, you know, they have the categories and then you, you, can you see where you are in the standings or? No, no, no. Okay. It's just a big, you know, they have the categories and then you, you know, you scroll down through the things and I get to, uh, my special and my name isn't on it. It just says, yeah.

Cause everyone else is like, you know, uh, Amy Schumer, uh, something and then the title of the thing or Dave Chappelle or something, uh, you know, uh, Kevin Hart, da da da da da. And, uh, it just says the worst daddy in the world, uh, see David, no last name, see David in this special tape that Chicago, you know, July of whatever it was, Chicago and the Metro. Who's responsible for that?

I am not sure, but I, uh, was very upset, uh, for about three hours and then, uh, yesterday. Oh yes. And then I'm like, who, whatever, you know, uh, it's a missed opportunity, but not even, it's a hypothetical who knows. Uh, well, who knows if you're going to lose.

But I, I, I think I'm getting ahead of myself and there's nothing to say that I, uh, would have gotten enough votes to be considered for, cause I think you can vote for up to, you can vote for a bunch. I can't remember how many. And then they, you know, sift it down. But, um, and yeah, like I've, like, I've done specials, uh, a number of them

that have been nominated for Grammys, but not nominated for the TV version. Does it matter to you? Like, is it one of those things where you were like, yeah, you know, it would be a nice feather in the cap from to win it. Or are you like, I mean, obviously you care because you were upset. I don't know if you're upset at the incompetence or the, or the fact that it might've knocked your chances down. Well, both.

Right. Um, uh, because you're the, like the, you're a legend. Like you're like the, you don't need. Well, it's not about it's, I appreciate that. Thank you. Um, not going to fight you on that. Um, but, uh, I just want to continue doing this and sell tickets and sell out shows.

And I think getting nominated for an Emmy would pretty much ensure that. And put me up, up right now. I have a really great, dedicated, hardcore audience, but it's not massive, you know, like, like these kids, these like, you know, TikTok kids are going out there and, you know, selling, selling out big theaters in a matter of an hour, you know, and I'm. Yeah. Well, at least you have someone like direct your.

Your rage, your rage, disappointment towards. No, it's, it's all, you know, uh, sent through me to my daughter and my dog. Yeah. Yeah. I understand that. Then I, I, I, yeah, it's funny to even think of you even caring about it because you're such a... Well, I didn't... I'm not saying it's a fault.

I'm just saying it's funny to even think... I didn't care about the last couple ones, but I didn't have any expectations. I didn't realistically think, oh, the last three. Well, I thought maybe the making America great again might. But I didn't think, oh, come on, or I'm from the future. We're going to be considered. Right. This one you were especially proud of.

This one I thought, especially because of the, because it's really pretty ballsy and there's some kind of things that are, I don't want to say experimental, but like just fuck with the convention of standup. But also topic, it's topical. And it's good. It's a good, I think it's the best. And this started because I was talking about the last, the closer, which is about going back in time and killing the person responsible for the mess we're in and blah, blah, blah. And you think I'm talking about Trump, but I'm talking about Jesus Christ.

And then I do a whole like nine minute bit about going back and killing. In the manger? No, I'm very specific about not killing him on day one. I think that's really kind of unseemly. him on day one, I think that's really kind of unseemly. And I wouldn't go when he's like in his early thirties, because he was really kind of cut and buff. Yeah, he's going to take you. Yeah, he's going to, I'm 60 and I'm not the guy I used to be and I couldn't. And he's got the fucking posse and all that shit.

So I try to figure out a time. It's the age. Yeah. Like, well, I end up at a process of elimination, like not when he's a teenager, but he was very sullen and acne scarred and just constantly jerking off. Yeah. Like a teenager. Exactly. He's a human being. Sure. Part, part. I mean, he is. He was.

Yeah, part. He's a human being. Sure. And I mean, he is, he was. And so then I settle on, I think four. Oh, okay. Because it'd be easy. He's a cute little moppet. Like you'd be able to get it. I mean, you have to get past that, Brian. Yeah. What do you, like what's the accomplishment? Like what is, so you, you, you, you curb stomp a four year old.? Jesus I do not Curb-stomp him. It's not about no, it's not about it's I'm not River he drowned him in a river. Okay. All right

And then and then you know the great thing about drowning is your life in a very colorful way Flashes before your eyes right before you die. I'm gonna for What's he seeing? Well in a very colorful way flashes before your eyes right before you die. I'm gonna four. What's he seeing? Well, three. I don't know, man, because like if he, what if he comes back to life three days later as a four year old?

Yeah. Oh, now you got, now you're never gonna shut this kid up. Like he's, at least he was mature enough to handle the coming back from the grave later on as a four year old. But then when he came back from the grave, he just went straight up to heaven. So it's not like, that's the thing. I don't get what the big deal is. His body, so he rose from the dead.

But he immediately went to heaven where he would have been anyway. Yeah. So what's the point? So he rose from the, who gives a shit? He didn't do anything. It's not like he's like, hey, let me clean up the dishes first and then I'll scoot back to heaven. Hang on, I forgot my good sweater.

There's a little bit in your face, like in your fucking face, Romans. I'm out of here. Yeah, I don't, I don't. You know, that you're operating. There's not a written record of any Romans going, what the fuck? You know they were though. But there's not a, they have a record of everything else.

They have a- No, they had that record till King James came along. And you know what that fucking scallywag did is he cut out all that stuff. Yeah, that's true. Well, that's the Bible where we grew up with. And I've certainly talked about this, but the Bible was written by… There were stories orally told to some of the few people who knew how to write, and they weren't held in high regard back then. That was like the thing for the village. And nor are they really today, you know, uh, but they happened 32,

six, 90 years after Jesus died. So there are stories that have been told and, you know, stories grow. Right. I caught a fish this big, right? Yeah, it's. And then they were told they were written down by people who didn't know how to read or write very well. Right.

And then King James took it and edited it. Maybe he made it better. I, okay. I, I get it. But the facts of those stories are pretty simplistic. Like I wonder what they're missing. What nuance there? I mean, yeah, they're there. So how do you fuck that one up? You're like, yeah, he died. And then he came back. I mean, it either happened or it didn't. Right.

Yeah. It's like, it wasn't like, maybe there's like a it was like Chicken with its head cut off where there's like a little spasm a little bit of electricity left in Jesus's body One writer was getting a little yeah, he's getting a little jiggy with it as Will Smith said right and Yeah, maybe or maybe they think he rose from the dead because They opened up the tomb and he was not there, right? But maybe there was just a grave robber who was in a necrophilia and he's like,

I want to fuck the son of God. Why not? That'd be a big score for that person, I think. It's either that or a guy in the sky came down and took the body Hmm like a sky hook. Yeah, I don't know which one it might be Yeah, it might be We'll never know we'll never well, I guess when we die we'll know. Oh, yeah, we'll be Shoot up in the heaven podcasting in in heaven in the great man Yeah, they must have an awesome podcast in heaven. Shit man.

Bill Mars there. Oh every guest. Jamming with Jimi Hendrix. Every guest. Keith Moon on drums and. You're in heaven and you have a podcast. You have the bench, right? You could be like Hendrix.

You're gonna be my in-house band. Yeah, there you go. Holy shit. Keith Moon on drums and fuck Janice singing backup and fucking the in excess guy Sucking his own dick. Oh my gosh. Oh, we're all sucking our own dicks if we can in heaven Yeah, the but do you think that if you found out for sure?

How does you do? How does you change your ways if you find out that that podcast in heaven is possible, if you follow the rules that King James had laid down? Are you suddenly, are you walking the straight and narrow? I don't understand the question. Like, are you following the rules set forth in the Bible on how to live a life? Yeah, I think I'm a decent person. I mean,

the ways that I interpret the words of Jesus about compassion and tolerance and- Drowning a four-year-old, that's part of it. Well, that's a story. Oh, I see. That didn't really happen. Oh. I didn't really go back in time. Right back to that Yuri.

Yeah, I did not really go back in time and do that. It's a bit. It's a bit. But you don't, right. Is it an Emmy worthy bit? Nah, we'll never know. I think so, but like, are you telling, like you're telling people it's a bit now?

Yes. Did you tell those people that day that it was a bit? Oh my gosh. They thought it was real. No, but it's a hypothetical. I present it as, yeah. Brian, thank you so much for. I guess, I guess.

Well, yeah, we're done. I guess the episode's over when you pick up your phone and start texting your friends. Can I tell you something that Marla said? We went roller skating down at the pier, Pier 2 in Brooklyn. Oh yeah, lovely. It was great. And we passed a small film crew.

And there was a film cop, whatever. I was like, hey, what are they shooting over there? And she goes, a commercial. I was like, oh, okay. And then Marlowe says, I hope it's not a Raymore and Flanagan. I swear to God. She said, and I laughed. What's the issue?

I laughed. I was like, what? She's like, why are you laughing? That's just an odd specific, an oddly specific. Why would it copy in it? Like why would. Uh, I just thought it was funny. I hope it's not a Raymore and Flanagan.

I don't even, that's furniture, right? Yeah. Where does she even know those commercials from? Anyway. So I end every episode with a question from Marla, who you met earlier. Oh yeah. Okay. Uh, and here's this week's question.

Be Ryan Quince. Do ants even have hearts? Hey, I should get her in here for a second. Hang on a second. What is it physically? Hey Marlo, I'm going to ask the question that you asked. Do you want to hear the answer?

So you can sit wherever you want. I'm sitting in that chair. So Marlo, All right. So you can sit wherever you want. I'm sitting in that chair. I'll sit there. Okay. So Marlo, the question today's question from Marlo is. Yeah. Be Ryan Quinns. Yeah. Do ants even have hearts?

Ants do not have hearts. That's it. That's all you got. Oh, you want to expand on that at all? Well. Well, that's not true. My aunt and she's a wonderful woman. And every year she sends me an envelope with five dollars on my birthday, which so far is still in March. And I think that it it shows that my aunt aunt has a giant heart So I'm gonna say that yes ants wait. Did you mean ant like the insect right? Yeah? Oh, oh it still applies my aunt Yeah, she's got the oh your aunt is in is an actual and an insect

Yeah, it's kind of nuts like a ask. You know, we're Oh. It's kinda nuts. Kafkaesque. You know, we're an open family, we love everybody. So yeah, yeah, ants have hearts. Well, there you go. Yeah. There's your answer. Is that okay? Do you like ants?

Yeah. Which favorite ant? I like the big black one. Yeah. Yeah. Don't those guys bite? I don't like black ones. Yeah. Yeah. Don't those guys bite? I don't like fire ants. No. Yeah.

I don't like most people don't. Those ones bites. Yeah. The big black ones don't bite. I thought the big black ones do bite. No? They don't. No.

No. All right. Well, thank you very much, Marlo. Thanks, pal. And... Thank you. ...because you asked the question or you came up with the question I needed to help this is the worst episode yeah we're trying

to decide if it's the worst episode we've ever had I didn't think so I think people will comment let's just wait and see what help people comment all right thank you honey I'll be out there in a second thank you like 30 seconds yeah I guess I guess. I guess I really opened myself up here. That's good. You're vulnerable. You know, you show you're not... I'm not afraid.

You're not afraid. You're not particularly intelligent, but that's part of being vulnerable. I never said I was. It's admitting, you know, your limitations. Yeah. Yeah. So that's good. So this this ended on a high note, I think. Yeah. Yeah. So that's good. So this ended on a high note, I think.

Yeah. Yeah. Is there anything you want to plug, get out there? I would like to plug if you're a member of the voting academy, I think that you should – It might be a little late for that, but thank you. Really? Oh.

Dude, it ends in like – I found this out yesterday in the last days. Oh. I thought this was live. Oh Is this not live are we not live right now no this isn't going out it'll go out eventually Well, then I mean, you know, I think a new season of practical jokers starts in July man You guys are I it's so much fun doing that show. You were like the best. I, you took it so seriously. We were so intimidated by you and you came in.

I want to tell you this. You just, you were, you were the one that was like in the writer's room. It was awesome having you on, man. It was my pleasure. I was at a particularly low point. Uh, and I had, I was, uh, I don't think my wife was back from Toronto yet. Maybe she was, but it was, we were stuck in Toronto for COVID for a while and I didn't work. I didn't do, hadn't done standup and I had such a, first of all, I really liked the show.

I love watching you guys. And I'm not being sarcastic, phony, phony. That's God's honest truth. And I have so many highlights from watching the show and it makes me smile. And I like that you guys fuck with each other not other people. That's important. I think and we're the one who was in the Had to drive the yeah the muppets. Oh, that was true. That was 12 hours

That's one in the most insane and like like my experience like I when we shot that thing with Murr, it was hour and a half, easy, an hour and a half. And it gets cut down on a couple minutes. Like I would like to see all 12 hours of you in the car with the puppets. It's there. The sound guy had it worse than me because he had to follow listening.

Oh my God. It was God awful. How long did it take you to get that out of your head? Oh, it's we now we're touring. We do the, you know, we have, and we do a bit on stage. I have the puppets on stage with us. It's insane. It was wild.

And they, they, they cut a bit that didn't make air. It's the last two hours of it. It didn't work for television. So we had to go back and change it. The last two hours, they sped the music up so that it was twice. Like it was just like, and I, you, you see it like nothing was fake. And then at the end of the night, and this wasn't even on air, um, I ended up getting a Murray's house, 12 hours.

It's crazy that you had to listen to it. We don't fake it. Like it was rare. So then I got out of the car and because I drove to Murray's house, they had a, like an Uber or whatever, bringing me back to my home. And, uh, I get in the car and we had two blocks from Murray's house and the guys had paid the guy to play the song, the entire ride home, no cameras, no audio. It was literally just to fuck with me for the extra 45 minutes on the way home. And he wouldn't shut it off He would not shut it off the entire way home

Son of a bitch. Yeah, it's a good it's a good time. Can you can you sing the song do a little uh, oh, yeah Drive drive drive drive drive it feels so good so good to be alive Are we there yet? No, Are we there yet? No. Are we there yet? No. Well then it's one, two, three, four, five. Let's drive, drive, drive, drive and over and over and over and over.

They did the math. I forget what the number is, but it was thousands of times. I had to listen to that 30 second fucking song. Yeah, it was wild. I have the puppets. With those goofy puppets too. Yeah. All dancing around in your car. Oh no, it was like a Chuck E. Cheese from hell. The air conditioning didn't work. Oh, it was wild. With those goofy puppets too. Yeah. All dancing around in there in your car.

Chuck E. Cheese from hell. The air conditioning didn't work. It was brutal. What are the, one of the funniest things? I've ever seen. Thank you. I really endured that one.

Well, thanks for having me on, man. This was like, I kind of like a kind of a dream come true. I'm a massive, massive fan of you. Oh, thanks man. And again, I, I had so much fun doing that show really enjoyed it. Anytime you want to come back, man. Oh, sure. You let me again, I had so much fun doing that show. Really enjoyed it. Anytime you want to come back, man.

Oh, sure. You let me know. I'm happy to. Literally any day you want to come to set and come play, like, at his open invite. We'd love to. Okay. Well, I'll talk to Dexter. Talk to Dexter. I mean, you know, he'll make it happen. Yeah. Again, I was like going through a rough patch and it was just the highlight of my month. I have goosebumps, man. To hear you say that and to like have, I mean, I'm not kidding, like to to do that for everything that all the enjoyment I've gotten out of watching you to hear that is pretty, it's pretty spectacular. So thank you. Thank you for that. Right back at you. All right. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Sense is Working Over Time is a headgum podcast created and hosted by me, David Cross. The show is edited by Katie Skelton and engineered by Nicole Lyons with supervising producer Emma Foley. Thanks to Demi Druchen for our show art and Mark Rivers for our theme song. For more podcasts by Headgum, visit Headgum.com or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and maybe we'll read it on a future episode. I'm not gonna do that. Thanks for listening.