Senses Working Overtime with David Cross - Derrick Brown

Episode Date: June 27, 2024

Derrick Brown (Write Bloody Publishing) joins David to discuss celebrity impersonators, poetry, and more. Catch all new episodes every Thursday. Watch video episodes here.Guest: Derrick BrownSubscribe and Rate Senses Working Overtime on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review to read on a future episode!Follow David on Instagram and Twitter.Follow the show:Instagram: @sensesworkingovertimepodTikTok: @swopodEditor: Kati SkeltonEngineers: Anya Kanevskaya and Casey DonahueExecutive Producer: Emma FoleyAdvertise on Senses Working Overtime via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I didn't know how close the chairs would be. You tell me if I need one. Let me do the chair then. What is this? Cheese. What the fuck? Someone sat in your chair and ate a log of cheese. Sorry.

Casey. Yeah, it was Casey. I don't know why you apologize like it was you. Look at this. Listen, we have a lot of disgusting comedians in here every single day. I'll take that. On lunch breaks, are you like, I'm Davis. Look at me.

How rude. Derek, I apologize for this. Wouldn't happen in New York, but no. The New York the New York crew is a lot more. These guys are so. So. Yeah, it's like I don't know if it's an LA thing or it's just shitty it's just shitty I get it I feel it

okay we know what we're all how's it going where are you living out here you're back here right I'm in Studio City now with my girlfriend. I like her. What was her name? Jen. What is her name? Jen, yes. Yeah, she's great.

And you're still together. Yes. Is this a record? Oh, I told her, I was like, hey, at some point you're going to get sick of me being broke because you're a lawyer and you have money. She's like, no, no, I love you. And I was like, I'm gonna give you six months. How long have you all been going out now? A year. A year? Yeah.

That's getting close to a record. Yeah. Well, I think four years the record. Longest. JB, Amanda. JB. Yeah. I just talked to her yesterday. How's she doing? Excuse me. Full time mom. Oh really? Oh wow. Wow.

Wait a minute, I remember listening to the Scott Aukerman episode and they just let the whole thing run before it started. And is that happening right now? It's happening right now. It's happening right now. It's happening as we speak. Do you want to bleep anybody's name out? Yeah, let's replace it with someone famous's name. Scarlett Johansson. That would be pretty good.

We just, how's Scarlett Johansson doing? Busy, very busy. All right, so how's Scarlett Johansson doing? Busy, very busy. All right, so how's it going? Yeah, we started. Great, it's going really good. Running the publishing company, doing shows. Let people know what your publishing company is? Yes, I'm doing right bloody publishing

and comedy shows, running a comedy show in Burbank. Oh, I didn't know that. Called You Blew It, it's a new show. I got a comedy show in Burbank. Oh, I didn't know that. Called You Blew It, it's a new show. I got a comedy debate show. Is it a theme, thematic, You Blew It, or just that's a title? Well, we show pictures that we hunt down from their Instagram from a long time ago,

and we either drill them or give them a thumbs up, and then they do a set. Oh, I like that. Yeah, at the nightcap. So that's pretty fun. And then, joined a soccer team. Really?

Yeah. It's hard. It's like one of the most unathletic people I know. It's not true. I lost weight for this podcast. So like come out here and show you how good it looked. And then when did you put it back on? Right before you walked in?

Right beforehand. Yeah. Oh, that was the mint. I was like, oh. It was a very fatty mint. He's gonna think I tried very hard. So you're playing soccer? Yeah, I'm a goalie.

Oh, goalie, that makes more sense. It's not easy. It's not easy. That makes way more sense. It's the hardest job. I'm not saying it isn't but I just can't picture you running up and down a field for 90 minutes. If you're too skinny it's not intimidating so I was like I need to keep it. That sounds like fun actually. It's really fun. It's like full uniform. You got the crazy monster gloves. Referees, I got the big gloves.

I get hurt every time. Do you get hurt like falling or? Diving, yeah. Diving, yeah. Diving, you know, everyone crashes into the box and then I scream a lot. Are the other players good? They're pretty good, yeah. I mean, two teams, one's 48 and up and one's 18 and up.

So the 18 and up is more brutal. Yeah, I would imagine. Yeah, but 48 year olds are not, they're not, that's probably a slower pace game I'm imagining. It is, and that one's- A lot of substitutions. It's very comforting.

Yeah. Where do you play? It bounces around, Griffith Park, Van Nuys. Do they have a pitch in Griffith Park or do you kind of make it your own? Yeah, no, it's on the edge. Oh really? It's on the edge, yeah.

Oh wow. But full referees, people fighting, slide tackling. Wow. It's pretty great. Are there any flops? Like the... No, no one's flopped. Oh man.

I think the shame. The... For Americans, the shame is too great. That's surprising. I would think Americans would- Flop it all the time. Yeah. Oh man, there are a few things better than a ridiculous soccer flop. Yeah, especially when you get a card for it. Yeah, they're so funny. And then, and then the, the dramatics and the histrionics like, well, you know, what, what,

you know. The rolling around. Oh yeah. The grabbing and knee and wincing and crying. Oh man, it's the best. And then, and it happens at basketball too. Not nearly as much, but like you remember like Bill Lambeer and Danny Hange,

remember those guys and they would- Yeah, they hated Lambeer. Yeah, and he, you know, but those guys would flop all the time and you, they'd, you know, they pretend that they got elbowed or something and then they'd replay it and the guy's like, you know, three feet away from them. Yeah. They're diving. Yeah, I hate that that's part of the strategy of the game

is to sell it, to be an actor. But so when you're old, you just go down all the time. You just go down, I mean, then everybody buys it. Like this guy, if a mosquito lands on you, you'll be screaming. He's an accountant, go easy on him. Yeah, you don't even have yellow cards or red cards. It's just sympathy cards.

Mercy, get well cards. Yeah, get well cards. What does your pen say? I got rich off of poetry. It's a little joke. Yeah, no, you don't have any money. He liked it. Yeah, we get it. You're not the first poet I've had on. Russ Tamlin? Is he a poet? Not really. No.

He's a collage artist, an actor, and now an author. Yeah. Have you read his book? No. I listened to a part of it when you had him on here, where you're talking about how much pussy he gets or got. Well, some of that. Now that he gets or got. Well, some of that. I don't know. Now that he wrote a book.

I don't know if Bonnie's gonna take to that, but. But, well, what I was saying was, I know some stories that didn't make it in the book because they're just, it's just a story about getting laid. There's not a, you know. No moral. But man, that guy, you know his stories, right? Oh yeah.

I mean, Jesus, what a life. Yeah, I love the one. What a life his dick has had. It's all tired. Did he tell you the story about how one scene in West Side Story is a year after that? I love that story. It's when they're coming around the corner.

It's the opening number. Yeah. And at some point the camera cuts and they've been walking and then they come around a corner. I think there's a fence there or something. That was a year later. And they rebuilt that yard in Brooklyn and LA and everyone's a year older for a little bit.

I love that so much. Yeah. Well, they had to fire the director got fired, I think, or the choreography. Somebody got fired midway. Oh. Yeah. That's his story. I'm not gonna tell his half-ass paraphrase

and get everything wrong his story. That's his story. But the book is, it's good. Like I, I don't know if you met Sarah, the woman he wrote it with, who kind of, she did an amazing job. It's good. It's, and I,

I am aware that I'm coming off as if I'm surprised, but I am surprised. And- Is that your blurb on the back of the book? Yeah. It's actually good. No, I really, it's, I didn't read the whole thing. I've read, before I was coming out here to do the show with him, I,

Amber sent me like a galley copy PDFs and I read four chapters and I, yeah, it's good. It's, cause I remember what it was like before he got the other writer, he collaborated with me. Oh yeah, me too. Yeah, so it came up quite a bit. Is the other poet Amber Tamblyn? Yes.

There you go. How'd she do? Not good. I would say it's the least favorite episode for literally everybody. Myself, the staff, the listeners. I'm a little worried that if I don't break a thousand views, I'll be the last poet that Headgum allows. Don't fuck Headg gum, it's me.

They're not making the fucking editorial. They're the ones who send me all the emails saying, what film were you in to promote? And I was like, no film. And they were like worried. They don't send emails saying, what film do you wanna promote? Can you give us a list of TV appearances

you've recently had? And I was like, none. And they're like, That's not true,'re like, I think they're worried about it. So I'm worried about it. Don't fuck them. No, I am, I'm disappointed to hear that, you guys. Didn't happen. Yeah, it actually did not happen.

Okay, good. But what, for real, what film do you have to promote? New horror film coming out. It's called The Gap. It's a retail horror film. Comes out in December. Oh, retail, not retelling of a horror film. A retelling of a retail horror film.

A retelling of a retail horror film. Yes. So is it based on the old Navy? It is, but the tagline is, not only the prices get gouged, and then dot dot dot. Did you work up that bit before you came out here? I did not at all. That's why it's not so good.

That's pretty good for coming right up. That seems like yesterday you, it seems like, like yesterday you were walking around like, oh, I know what I'll do on David's podcast. I'll do it. I did email you. I was like, hey, should we do a bit? You're like, oh yeah, that's an old email.

I felt bad because you really worked out this whole thing with the script. Some dialogue. And everything, and I'm like, oh buddy. You're like, oh yeah, we're just gonna talk. I'm like, oh God. Which does remind me, Anya and Casey, I have to redo that cover letter that goes out to people.

I don't think anyone's gonna go to the links Derrick did to write five pages. Hodgeman didn't have a bit. When you choose the 45 second clip for YouTube, can it be him talking about the cover letter from this podcast? I think it should just be me talking about Russ. Yes. And me like this.

I'm sure it's good. It's gonna get warm. Are you gonna be warm in that all black outfit? Cause it's supposed to go up to 75 today. I, this is, I'm gonna have a show tonight. So these are my show clothes, but I am going to take this jacket off when we're out of the AC.

Got it. Got it. Makes sense. Unless you want it off now. Nope. What, what's your show tonight? Show tonight's in Silver Lake at In the Meantime. It's poetry, comedy, and music.

We're in Silver Lake right now. We're in Silver Lake. Well, I'm hoping this airs in a few minutes. And then I could get some bodies to the show. I'm not sure your timeline. Will you talk to yourself in the future and let me know how the show went tonight? Yes.

Right now, talk to me in the future to let you know how it was. How the show went. Okay, great. The show you're doing tonight, how it was, how did it go? Not as many bodies as I was hoping for. Little more crying than was expected.

Oh, so you did expect some crying. I expected a little bit of crying, but not the whole time. Wow. Yeah. You were the audience. The audience. Oh, man. You start out with one grief poem,

and then you try and go into your meatloaf jokes. Oh, it's poetry, it's not jokes. It's both, it's poetry, comedy, and music, and then started with the poems, which was a bad idea, and then no one laughed at anything. Oh, that's the problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And people are sobbing and-

Yes, yes. And they're questioning everything. They're questioning existentialist questions about what are they even doing there? What is laughter? Why? Yeah. Why would we?

Yeah. Yeah. All right, next time, I'm just not going to do any poetry at all. It's just gonna be all comedy and music. Well, you can do some, some of your poems are really funny. The one about the, where you're, tell me that it's from the last book, The Cop.

The one where the cop is just a great guy. Yeah, I love that poem. Yeah, the plot of that. I wanna tell people, I feel compelled to say this because before I met my wife and thus you, and you and your ilk, I had a negative connotation about poetry. Had you been to a poetry show in Atlanta or anything before you met Amber?

No. Actually, that's not true. When poetry slams were a thing, and remember, there was that terrible. One of my favorite pictures of me is, um, at Lollapalooza, there was like a comedy spoken word 10. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And, uh, Maggie Estep, Maggie Estep, who was kind of the face of slam poetry, kind of punky, whatever. Um, and I really, I really, uh really have a strong dislike

of that kind of delivery. And I don't like this and the way that they talk and the thing, Katrina. And- Jazz voice. And I can't stand it. And I did, I followed Maggie Estep and then I just did my impression of her and I'm stomping around the crowd.

And it was a really funny picture at Lollapalooza. Wait, you were right after she performed and then you did your version of a slam poet after her? Oh my God. What'd she say? Nothing, I don't remember. So I'm guessing she didn't say anything and she might've been pissed. I don't know, she might've been flattered, who knows?

But it wasn't flattering, because I just, I can't, I couldn't stand it. So that is to say my concept of poetry was pretty, because of ignorance, narrow. And I thought, like, I'm not gonna go to a fucking poetry show or varying people with, you know, dreads, whatever their skin color is, you know, up there going like, you know,

and Ronald Reagan decided, you know, all that kind of shit. And so then- That style was all over the world. Oh, I know, I know, that's all I knew. But then, you know, I ended up falling in love with a poet. And I, you know, I tried not to, but- Did I tell you what she said to me

after she took you to the first show? No. She said- Because it wasn't, it was at that bar on 13th street. Bar 13, yeah, in Union Square or near there. And she goes, Derek, I need you to do a show in New York because David went to, what year was this, 2006? I don't know.

That sounds about right. No, no, no, 2008. What year was this? 2006? I don't know. That sounds about right. No, no, no, 2008. Oh no, 2006, because that was, she was in the pilot for Todd Margaret. Yes, 2006. And-

God damn, we've been together a long time. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, I didn't give it this long, but I'm impressed. But she said that, David said, "'I don't know if I can do this.'" And I was like, go to poetry shows? No, like be with me, because he doesn't think he can ever go to a show

like that again. It was bad. I remember. Can you put on a show in Brooklyn sometimes? So I was like, yeah, I'll invite you guys. And then I think I invited you to do a bit at that show. Well, you did a show at that kind of weird, it's kind of like a little pretentious, it's like a house or something.

Remember? Oh yeah, yeah, the Norwood. The Norwood. A private club. Yeah, private club. That reached out and said, we're trying to do more cool comedy and poetry things. I mean, the show was good.

But then, so I saw you and I saw Mindy Netafee and I saw, oh God, there's that one guy who was really funny. Osea? No, kind of a- Bucky Sinister? No, it's not anybody I've hung out with since. Bucky's very funny.

I just didn't know comedy could be funny like that. I didn't know that that- Or poetry, yeah. I'm sorry, poetry. I just didn't know that that was a thing. And then there's some really funny, and funny enough so that when I curated the comedy stage at one of Altamaro's parties, you know, things and I had you on there, you and the band backed you up. And it was, I'd say that was the highlight of the show for the audience, not me, not John Benjamin,

not Glazer, but you guys. That was a turning point in my life where I was doing comedy shows and doing poetry and you're like, oh, just do it together. Do it together. It's fine. And it was, I was nervous. I was so scared. I think we both got very drunk.

Yeah, I certainly did. And I think Eugene had a bottle of whiskey. That's right. He brought a large bottle of whiskey that. And then Amber's always like, we're doing shots. And it was super fun. And I was like, I'm just gonna do that from now on. And it's great.

It's been hard. It's been hard. Cause people are like, I don't wanna book a poet on my comedy show. Yeah, I get it. But that's like, cause I was that person, you know, up until I got exposed to. No, excuse me.

That's Amber. Let's see, she says, ask him. Yeah, that's bullshit. OK, I don't blame you, phony. Now, a lot of people don't know this this and I'm going to say most people alive today do not know and by most I mean almost 100%. I'm talking literally every Chinese person. Most of Greenland, Texas, no, no, actually people in Texas know, but a lot of people,

most people don't know that you officiated Amber and I's wedding. More people know that than they know my work. More photos have circulated of me from those leaked photos than of me on stage doing a set, which is pretty cool. So I'm grateful. I think I killed at that set. I think we all did a great job.

I think we all did a great job. Amber wasn't as funny, but that's fine. And do you remember? So Amber and Russ, her dad, we got married up in upstate near where we live up there. So pretty. Beautiful. Right on the Delaware River. And Amber and Russ, it was, you know, we're launching from about like a half mile up the river, not too far up. And then we're waiting was all kind of, I came down, you were there

and it was all supposed to go pretty smoothly. Violin was playing, I think. Yeah, Emily was playing, Emily Wells. And we're waiting, we're waiting, we're waiting. And then we kind of milked some comedy from there because we truly thought, people thought it was a bit, but it wasn't. Where the fuck is Amber?

And Amber said, I don't know if you know this, because they're supposed to be going down the river and Russ is supposed to be paddling. And he's not doing anything. He's sitting there. He's got his phone and he's taking video of the mountains. And she turns, she's like, dad, what the fuck are you doing? You're supposed to row us there.

Oh, okay. I remember looking down the river, she was in her yellow dress and she was, I remember her being pissed at him and then turning on angel face while she was rowing closer to the shore. I was like, Oh, I wonder what they're, what they're arguing about. This is exciting. I love that. It's so Russ too. Like you have one thing you're supposed to do is just row

the boat and she's sitting there like, why are we going faster? Then finally turns around and he's doing nothing but taking pictures of the mountain. Yeah. What the, they're waiting for us. I'm getting married. I also remember this fun bit where John Benjamin was a rabbi. Stood up as a rabbi to curse that this wedding

was happening on the mountain where so many children were buried. So, yes. So what we did, we had planned was the, Amber got there, her dad walked her there in China, her sister, and the flower, Vippy and the flower girl, whatever. And we had Ollie, our dog, as the ring bearer.

And then we just, you said, I now pronounce you man and wife. And then we went, we had a, this is how we do it play. A 30 second. Yeah, and then we ran up. So there was no real wedding. And then, you know, people started to applaud. And then John, full rabbi outfit

with the payus and the stromal hat. It was like, no, this is a degradation. How dare you? Because we got married at a Jewish kids camp, Camp Tell Yehuda, and Tell is Mountain. and tell his mountain. So we were, yeah, it was, he got up and it was, he thought it was about the fakeness of the marriage, but it was about that too many Jews were buried there. To do a wedding. Yeah, that was fun. Also you had, many celebrities were there,

but you also hired fake celebrity impersonators to mingle among the real celebrities. Yeah. And not top notch celebrity impersonators. No, this is an old thing going back to Mr. Show where we had rap parties every year after, There's an old thing going back to Mr. Show where we had rap parties every year after Mr. Show. And I had this idea, and this is such a good Bob and David combo.

I had this idea, hey, let's get a Michael Jackson impersonator and just have him there to mill around and talk to people. And then Bob came up with the genius idea of let's get two of two different eras and don't tell them about it. And I was like, that's brilliant. So we, at our rap parties, we had Michael Jackson,

we had the bad era, and then we had the thriller era, Michael Jackson. They didn't know about each other and they were bummed. They were bummed, they were not happy. They were not happy at all. And then- Because one probably looks way better than the other. You know, they had their song, they were just,

they didn't understand and I don't blame them. You know, they didn't know about Mr. Show. They didn't know what it was, a comedy show or anything. So they're paid and you know, like, we paid them for an hour and you have to do this and you have to go up to people and sing and stuff. And then we did it another year with Jim Carrey impersonators. We got a Ace Ventura version and a mask version of Jim Car God. And then when I did David Cross and Superpowers at Urban Plaza, I had made a guy to do Austin Powers, but he couldn't tell anyone that he was hired.

He was? And he had to go up and I said, you have to say, do I make you horny baby? To everyone. With the accent. Yeah, and you have to say, do I make you horny baby to everyone. With the accent. With, yeah, and you have to mingle and people are like, who the fuck is this asshole? Cause I had him in line like to pay and go in.

So with that idea, I got, and we're, you know, in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. We're up in the woods. Can I say who the celebrities were? Cause I was shocked. The impersonators? Yeah. Yeah. Or the fake celebrities.

Yeah. From yesteryear, Jackie Gleason. Yep. As Ralph Cramden. Yeah. Fran Drescher. Yep. As the nanny. And Lil Jon. And Lil Jon.

Who just, and I paid him each to spend an hour going up to people. The best part is, you know, there are very famous people there. And there's a guy who looks like Lil Jon with the big gold cup going, hey, you know, what does he yell? Okay.

He just, he's going up like. Yeah, he broke when I was with him, with Lil Jon. Can I tell you this? No. So I was with a very famous poet who's now past Jack Hirschman, and Jack Hirschman's very old and very earnest and sweet. And Lil Jon came up, says,

"'All right, skeet, skeet, skeet!' And Jack Hirschman goes, "'What was your name?' And he goes, "'You know me, dog!' And he goes, "'I don't, what was your name? And he goes, you know me, dog. And he goes, I don't think I caught your name. And he goes, it's me, Lil John. And he goes, oh, are you a poet?

And he goes, no, I'm not. I'm Lil John, you know, Lil John. The cup, the chalice, you know. Hey! Oh man, that was great. I love shit like that. I love just random guy dressed like Ralph Cramden. That wedding was so fun.

Going to the moon, Alice! We played flag football and Ryan Reynolds, not to drop names, was on the opposing flag football team and John Benjamin was our quarterback, much better arm than Ryan Reynolds. That doesn't surprise me. Yeah, I didn't know he was so good. Or that Ryan was so bad.

We're so bad, yeah. How about, I'm like so jealous of it, like how about the brilliant idea that he, that Ryan and Rob. McElhenney. McElhenney had of like, let's buy a sports team and it'll be a write-off. And let's start at the bottom

and create a hero story and document it. Well, that's all part of it. I mean, that makes it viable, but it's like, if you're like, you know what? I'd like to own a sports team, but I don't wanna pay for it. Hmm, that's pretty cool. Yeah.

I will always respect that. Oftentimes when we go out for a beer, you'll buy the beer. When you go out for a beer with him, are you like, you've clearly got this? I haven't been out with him. Last time I hung out one-on-one, God, that was like when we were in Copenhagen.

What if he gets sick of that? And he's like, someone buy me some shrimp. Do you know about the, we went to Noma, Blake and Ryan and Amber and I went to, which was then the number one restaurant in the world. And it was an amazing experience. I've had better tasting food, but the apps, the night, and you're there for hours and hours and hours. Really cool. But there's a picture of us eating a live shrimp. So they take a shrimp shrimp and they freeze it so that it's still alive, but it won't, it's immobile. But my shrimp started twitching and jumping around.

Like it wanted to live. You're supposed to just take it and eat it, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's not, you're not, it's not like that scene in, uh, old boy where you're eating the live

shit. Was it like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This shrimp was just waking up going, it's like in Rosemary's Baby when the devil's fucking her and she kind of wakes up because she took the drugged pudding and put it through the way. And she's like, this isn't a dream, it's really happening.

That's what the shrimp was doing. Going, whoa, yo, I gotta get out of here. Flopping around the table, then hurry, eat it, eat it. It was like, oh man, it's a very funny picture. So head first? Yeah, the whole thing just popped. And it's flopping around in there. And the tail always tastes like plastic to me.

Oh yeah, I'm a denoma. That's true, they probably fix it up. And then Ryan and I had, I want to say like, there was a fish eye, we had a head of a fish. Oh, Jesus. There was an eyeball. I can do cheeks and tongue, but the eyeball. Eyeball was tough.

Too holy. Yeah, it's tough to think about. But I've had some crazy shit. I've eaten, I was in Shanghai, and we did this to shoot it, and for it to be a thing, but went to this restaurant that was recommended to us for this purpose of northern,

I don't know what part of China, but northern Chinese, like, what's the word? Just like not home cooking, but the kind of food they would have, you know, back in the day. I had dog, I had bullfrog, which was the nastiest, the dog was pretty good actually. So it was like traditional mountain cooking or whatever, and earthworm soup. But the bullfrog, I want you to picture a frog, you know, roughly the size of like a grapefruit, right? A big bullfrog. And all they did, they got a cleaver and they just hacked up this bullfrog, dumped it in a fucking bowl so that there's eyes and bone.

It was, I could not finish it at all. I didn't even get two things in. The legs probably don't taste like frog legs. No, no, no, not at all. No, they, it's like boiled soup. It was, it was, you know, something you'd eat during the war to stay alive, but not like charging tourists money for it.

Yeah, this is the crazy shit we used to eat. I'd write a bad Yelp review for sure. This, this is the crazy shit we used to eat. Ugh. I'd write a bad Yelp review for sure. This is pre-Yelp. Oh, right. Got the dog. Dog, yeah. It was actually, that was the best thing that I was, that I ate, tasting wise.

It felt bad, I felt very bad. And I had to drink a lot before I sat down to eat these things, because I was the volunteer to do it. Hey! What is the best way to learn a language? Immersion. Living where the language is spoken and using it every day. But if that's not in the cards this year, you can still learn a language the second best way, and that's with Babbel. Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works.

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accent. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash senses. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash senses spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash senses. Rules and restrictions may aptly This this isn't good podcast material, but I heard a piece that of a story of Kristi Noem Shooting her dog and then I missed everything else. I don't know why she shot her dog or what it was Missed behaved. It was a puppy. I believe I want to say 14 14 weeks 14 months something like that was It was young, it was a puppy.

And she was out hunting. And brought the puppy on a hunting. Brought the puppy for whatever reason. And the puppy was acting like a puppy, does, and was running around. And I guess, as you might expect, upsetting the pheasants that they were hunting and the birds were all, you know, scattering around, which is no good if you're trying to kill birds. And she wanted to kill birds. So she, obviously there are multiple options

that don't involve aiming a gun at a puppy. Put it in a bag. Not even, well, not killing, I guess. Oh, right. It's where I was going. Put it in a bag, then shoot it, right? And she, now here's the thing. That is a horrific story.

As any, you don't even have to be a dog lover to go like, what the fuck, that's crazy. You shot a puppy that was just being a puppy. You didn't take it to train it or anything or whatever. And you brought a puppy on a hunting trip like a ding dong. How about thinking it was okay to write that? You're trying to be the vice president. That's the second juiciest part.

You're trying to be the vice president. And nobody, even conservative media, even Fox News. That's the clip I saw them going like, didn't you do the audio book of this? Once you say that this is a mistake, I'm not gonna talk about the world leaders I've met or the things I've done. Oh, that's the other thing.

She lied about meeting with Kim Jong-un. And... Insane. I just, all right, that's a thing they always do. I mean, Republicans do that shit all the time. They just lie about shit and make it up, and then you catch them and they go, oh, maybe I didn't, whatever.

The thing about, I think this is a good idea to put this story out about how I shot this puppy in the face. You know what this makes me think of? She obviously had a ghostwriter. Russ had a ghostwriter. He may need to go through that book to see all the little nefarious stories

they loaded into his book that he doesn't know about. Well, they have the story about him shooting the lady who was selling mangoes or whatever the chili lime mango things on the street and he shot her because she was scaring the birds. Too spicy. Scaring the birds. Too spicy and scaring the birds. Too spicy and scaring the birds. He fingered a bird. Excuse me?

I am very excited to read that book. I'm gonna go back to you. I don't know if you read the end of the book. A lot of juicy stuff in there. Tell me about the fingering a bird story. Oh, it's a magician thing. When I used to be a magician, there used to be a way story. Oh, it's a magician thing. When I used to be a magician,

there used to be a way to like make the bird's wings come out when you were like, instead of just the bird being there like this and you produce it, to make the bird lift its arms up, like the top of a flag, you know, the little eagle. I know, I understand. I understand what you're describing. But so to get the bird to this magician's trick

when they pull the bird out is to finger it. It's a secret, but it's not really a trick. It's not illusion. You really have to go. No, you have to, is it, where do you, is it a clit? Or what are you fingering? I think it's called the perineum. The perineum of the bird.

Like the clitoris? No, the perineum. Right, but is it like a clitoris for a bird? Oh my God. What? They're two different things. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Oh my God, David. Go back to WebMD, do you still have that?

Pull up, pull up, pull up, pull up how to make a bird come. Google bird, clit, question mark, Siri? What if this is one of the bits I worked on and I just pretended to come up organically? Man, I learned something new. I learned. And so what's the perenium? It's, I think it's the thing that makes you, if you hit it,

the secret button inside your butthole that makes you feel good. I don't know though. You mean like when you're getting a prostate or the old school prostate exam and then you, you know, they're trying to check you, but then you come. When I had my first physical in high school, I thought when you turn your head and cough and he was gonna stick his finger in your butt. I didn't know it was just touching your balls a little bit.

Oh, to see if they rise. Yeah, I was so nervous. I remember I was like, oh man. How'd you do? Did you get good marks? I was nervous that I, I remember wishing my dick looked good when my pants came down.

And I was like, oh, I hope it's not like ocean, ocean soft. And being nervous about that for sure. And then when he- Just so you know, it's a little cold in here guys. But then in the army, they did stick something up my butt. What was it? Not a joke, a finger. I don't even know what that was for.

Oh, for a prostate disease. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, well that makes sense. And they just liked that, it wasn't even a doctor. I liked it too. It was, for a prostate disease. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, well that makes sense. And they just liked that. It wasn't even a doctor. I liked it, I liked it too. It was not a doctor at all. You're fit to serve.

You're fit to serve. Let me get him. Doesn't fit? Get him out of here. Let me move this up. Mm, mm, and. No. Not primed to kill.

You're good. Get him. You, sir, are gonna be jumping out of planes. All right, next butt hole, get in here. Oh, no, no, no, your desk job for this guy. Too small to murder. That should be your gravestone. Too small to murder.

Ass was too tight. Too small to murder. In a special, I think you called it a starfruit and I never shook that from my head. Oh. And I've never seen a star fruit in real life, but I imagine. You've seen a star fruit, right?

I know what a starburst is, but I don't know. No, no, not the candy. There's literally a, right? Isn't there a fruit called the star? Yeah, star fruit. And it's shaped not like a perfect star, but it's, I always think of it as a star of David. So it's Israeli.

What is going on in Israel? Oh, let's get to it. Give me your thoughts. We need an international peacekeeping force that acts as judge and jury, like the referees at the border. If we don't get them in there, we're never gonna solve it.

How hard was that? How hard was that? Yeah. They did a little something called the Oslo Accord. They tried it, but it was scuppered by Mr. Netanyahu and I think our people. I think our people had a little something to do with that. Yeah.

All right, do you ask every guest how would they solve the Israel Gaza conflict? No, I don't want it solved. Great, that's bad for comedy. Yeah, it's bad for, you know, I need the material. Get Trump in there. Yeah. Joke, joke, joke know, I need the material. Get Trump in there. Yeah. Joke, joke, joke.

Did you see the latest thing? Trump, again, not that this is any surprise at all, but it, you know, six years ago, this wouldn't have, you know, would disqualify you, but he said to the, he said to a bunch of auto exec guys, and not auto exec, sorry, oil industry guys at a fundraiser, he's like, you guys raise a billion dollars for my campaign.

And the first thing I'm gonna do when I get in office is roll back everything Biden did, and I'm gonna open when I get in office is roll back everything Biden did and I'm gonna open up everything to drilling and all that. But he said to them, you have to raise a billion dollars for me. Donate a billion dollars to the campaign. A billion dollars. And they're like, man, makes sense.

It sounds good. I like this guy. Yeah. I mean, it's- When you pay more for a meal, it tastes better. Yeah. When you pay more for a president, he- He tastes better. He tastes better.

Jesus Christ. Do you do several of these a day? I do two. I think I did three once and I was like, that's too much. Um, so I do, I do the most I'll do is two. Um, and then the day's done. I actually have to do something after this, but then, uh, um, two tomorrow and then two Saturday and I'll be done and then I go home. And was XTC cool with this? Uh, I was going to try to license, uh, the song, but it was like 50 grand or something.

Oh Jesus. So nothing, nothing I would pay for. So Mark Rivers does the music. He did it. He did it great. Have you heard it? The opening theme? Oh yeah, yeah.

It's really good. There's a whole like minute and 45 second version of it. It's very, as he said, like inspired by Elephant Six type of. You should do a very long musical intro instead of the traditional 10 second musical bumper to kick off a show. When we did All Tomorrow's Parties, do you remember John Glazer and John Benjamin

when they came out, they started playing Baby Hold On to me and they came out for the whole song. Just pumping up the whole audience, not starting their set until the song was over. Yeah, that's very Benjamin and Blazer-esque. I wish they still did that. That was so fun. The forget-a-buddies.

Yeah, the forget-a-buddies and they forgot their punchline that day. Not on purpose. Not on, not intentional. Not on purpose. It was, what was it? They were like in a clothing store or something? No, it was that they, the main punchline they were supposed to get to was that the day

their show fell on was September 11th, 2009. Right, right, right, right, right. You know, just to, you know, we live in New York, we're New Yorkers, we're all New Yorkers, and they had this long heartfelt speech, and it was supposed to end with them saying, never forget about it. And instead-

To let people know they were playing these two guys that were like a comedy team called the Forgetta Buddies. Yes, two New York comedy guys trying to creep up in the scene and they were like 20 minutes overtime or something like that. Yes. And so someone was giving them a light and said like, you know, we're all in New York.

Oh, I guess we're out of time. And they just got off the stage before they did their 20 minutes set up for one joke. And then they didn't say the joke. Yeah, that's very- Pretty gold. We used to do this thing. We did it a couple of times at Bumbershoot in Seattle,

the arts festival there, and we did, what was it? And again, it was called, I think it was the, the thing that we were doing a parody of was something called Bumber clap Bumber drum, Bumber Bumber drum. And it was just people drumming. It was like a drum circle, but they gave it a dumb name and, you know, trying to get people to see their stupid drum circle for peace. Sorry, it wasn't stupid, it wasn't drum circle.

This is you guys doing it. No, this was a real thing they had. So we did bumper keys, where we all took our keys and you had to see the bumper drum thing was, hey, people passing it, physically kind of passing the beat and tempo to somebody else. And then they pick it up, you know, people can't drum, whatever. And so we did Bumber Keys, Bumber, uh, let's see, we had three things, Bumber Keys.

We all did our keys. And hey, you got the whole crowd to get in a circle and do that. Okay. No, no, we, we do it like the three of us. And then it was B keys, then bumper clap, and we throw it to each other. Bum, bum, bum, bum, and then, Glaser.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, and then Glaser. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, and then Glaser. Hey! Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, and then Glaser. And then he throw, and we just did that. So we did bumper clap, bumper keys, and then bumper phrase, which was, each of us had a phrase like, wouldn't go in there or whatever.

And then we were strippers. We were the, we were patriotic, angry leftist strippers. So it was mystery cat, pirate. And we just grabbed whatever things from like a CVS or something. And so there was like the green, I can't remember what it was, the green stranger, which was just like a green mask that Glazer had. And then there was Pirate Cat, and then there was something else. And then we did this whole rant about, you know, the imperialism and colonialism of America and the blood on our hands, but we were stripping as well.

That's a sexy message. It was pretty funny. But people in Seattle, there are a lot of smarties up there, but a lot of crusties too. When you're doing the keys, were they like, fuck yeah, this is energy, this is the energy I dream of. Or were they like, they're spoofing us? I don't know if the Bumber Drum people saw it,

but I can tell you that, and Benjamin has a better angle of this, but because I wasn't quite aware of it until it was about to happen, but Benjamin was watching it. But when I was stripping, and it had like a G-string on, you know, Dick tucked in the little pouch and everything, and there was a guy there with his kid. And I was coming up, and I think because I had a mask on, I couldn't really see, but this guy was about to punch me. And Benjamin saw it.

You were in a speedo in front of his child. Yes. Well, I was undulating to some, towards his child. Well, towards the people. Oh, right. And I was like, I was going up into the crowd, you know, but going like, uh, America has blood on its hands, but also stripping. And he, and I kind of sensed it right at the very end, but I think Benjamin was watching the whole thing and like,

oh, this guy's gonna fucking wail on cross. Man, I wish it was like how break dancers will call each other out, but the drummers came to push back against you guys and try and take over the, was this on stage? Yeah, it was in, it was, it was, what was in a little theater, you know, where they had all the comedy shows

or most of the comedy shows. I wish I would have seen that. And it was, whatever theater has the ranked audience, so you're below them, basically. It's like an amphitheater, but it was indoors. Double door, two doors. I forget. It's over by where they had the zines and all that stuff. Remember that area? I only went once just to watch. Yeah. Oh, you should try to get in and do some shows there. Yeah. I'm trying for more.

Yeah. Yeah. You should definitely do that. Did they still have Bumbershoot? No, well actually I don't know. That was the most fun, it was so much fun, man. I think the big one now is down in Denver, High Plains. I think that's the super fun one now. Yeah, Bumbershoot was always so much fun. We would just take over, you know?

We had a lot of crazy shit. I remember Zach Galifianakis, there was something about a fish. There was like a... We had a big fish and we kept sneaking it into each other's room, like toilet or luggage. It was like a fish from like a fishmongers. Oh, maybe at Pike's place. Pranking each other. Yeah.

And the fish kept popping up in different places in the hotel. I like when our conversation, which I don't mind a lull, I don't mind silence, when it slows down a little, you hear their keyboards over there kind of chill out as well. I don't, I wonder what that means. Mark that joke, cut this out. What are you guys doing when you're tip tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap cut between the cameras. Oh, gotcha.

You didn't get me spilling on the couch, did you? I don't think so. Great. Did you spill? A little, I tried to cover it up. What did you spill? Just water. Well, that's fine.

Yeah. I don't know if you saw, but there was a empty cheese, string cheese wrapper that I was sitting on for the entirety of Andy Richter's. Disrespectful. It's disrespectful, it's juvenile, it's shameful. Definitely gotta cut this out, so don't worry about that. This is all going in.

I haven't, I've never listened to or watched one of these episodes, but when I do the advertisements, do they leave in the jokes and the ad-libs I do? I think we walk a fine line. Oh, that's bullshit. What are you pulling out? What's your ad for this one? I have no idea.

Do you wanna ask Emma, she just got here? Oh, what's Emma doing here? Is it because of the festival? Yeah. Oh, right on. Emma! Get your ass in here! We doing Geico? She's talking to somebody. Oh, right, soundproofing, of course, because we're doing a podcast. Okay. That was weird. I thought maybe I died. And you know that thing where you're like, oh, they can't see me. Nobody's responding. Have you ever read The Third Policeman?

No. That's great. Like, Lanteria O'Brien. Have you read The Things They Carried? Yes. I love that. It's a good book. Can we do that for 10 minutes? Sure. Have you read? You know what I'm reading now?

Elizabeth Gilbert? Who's that? She Did He Pray Love? No, I read the other one, Pray Love Eat. And then I read Love Love Eat. And then I read love love eat and then read Just eat already. I've read pray pray pray. That was very good, but boring. Yeah seems it No, I'm reading a Polish author Drive your plow over the bones of the dead and it's it's really good I'm like I started it on the plane and I'm like 110 pages in already.

It's really good, I like it a lot. But for my birthday, I got tons of books. Some asshole gave me a dumb game. You sent me a thank you letter that sounded like someone else wrote it that said, hey, Derek, thanks for coming to my birthday. How did you come up with this crazy gift you gave me? Sincerely, David.

It sounds like that went out to 50 people. Maybe. Is that an assistance? No, never, never, never, never. Were you like, I don't remember who gave me what. You know what? I'll tell you exactly what it is. I think, I'm guessing, but because Derek Beckles was there.

So it's you and I got, and I don't know either of your handwriting. Okay. So I got, I was trying to figure out who gave me what. Yeah. And you and out who gave me what. Yeah. And you and Derek both gave me, Emma! Emma! Hi, Jason. Hi.

Hi, howdy. Hello, howdy. What, are you at, so you're out here for the festival? Okay. Can we do that again, but higher? A higher, all right, let's write again, but higher next time, right? So are you out here for the festival? Yes

No, that's not higher. That was lower. He's higher Yes, like that. Yeah, are you out here for the festival? Very good Emma Emma, are you gonna be at the will you be there at the taping? Okay. Yeah, well you gonna be at the, will you be there at the taping? Yeah, of course. Okay. Yeah. We'll all be there.

Oh. We all love working on our show. Oh. Don't do that. All right. Okay. By the way, you got a little sad right there. At your birthday, you got sad

and no one could tell that you were fake sad, you have the best sudden acting sad cry I've seen from anybody. What was it? Was it the thing about the Gaza? Yeah, yeah. When you were talking about a dead friend, everyone's like, oh fuck. And you're like, oh, I thought that'd be funny.

All right, but the tremble, are be funny. All right. But you're the tremble you do in your foyer. Can you do it? So the, well, Bob used to call it the fish face. Like do the, I would do the character and it just, um, Hey man, uh, you know, the guy trying not to cry. And- It's fucked up man. It was very good. What was I saying?

Oh, I got a lot of books for which I'm quite happy with. We're talking about books we love. Can't go wrong with books and baseball cards. Actually can go wrong with baseball cards because my mom got me and I told Wendy, I said, listen, I think mom's gonna get me some baseball cards for my birthday and just make sure it just has to be either, and I give her a little, you know.

Tops? Tops Chrome, Bowman Chrome, and it has to be a hobby box. That's all. Anything. Great. Whatever. And she got me the opposite. She got me, uh, tops series one. This isn't going to mean anything to people don't collect baseball cards, but that's the stuff you get like for a quarter at Walmart, whatever. She got me a box and And as Wendy pointed out, it's your 60th birthday and your mom spent $40 on the, I mean, you know, they're nice cards. I

like them, but it's not anything that interests me really. I was dorkier. I did garbage pill kids, Alf trading cards. I like that stuff. Did you have wacky packages? CB Wacky packages were really fun. RG Yeah, I love those. CB Faked tooth. What was the bazooka toothpaste? I forget. But I loved all those too. RG Gatorade, but it's an alligator. And yeah, I loved wacky pack. Oh, I was just recommending books. Yes. I just, I reread, I find that I've been doing more rereading, going back and reading books. Like there's a book I read every, every, I don't know, five, six years, and that's Masters of Atlantis. I'll just pick it up and read

it again. But I started to go on, oh, I'm gonna, I don't know why, maybe it's just cause I'm getting older or whatever, but I reread Independent People, which is a great book, and just finished and reread The Third Policeman, which is also one of my favorite books. I love Maggie Nelson's bluettes. Maggie Nelson's killing me right now, she's so good.

I don't know, I'm not familiar. So yeah, I'll send it to you. Or I bet Amber has a bunch of them. Yeah, okay. She's the best. But I'm really into this, drive your plow over the bones of the dead. Such a good title. And Ani, you read it?

Yes. Yeah, it's good. Olga, I was trying to remember the author, Olga Tokarcha, I think. Olga Tokarcha, very good. And laugh out loud funny sometimes. There's some really, like I'm on the plane. He goes, ha! Do people bug you on planes? I just don't like people in general.

Yeah, I mean, not like do people. I know, I know what you meant. I know what you meant. Not really, no, no. I've seen it happen in bars when we've been in bars. Oh yeah, I mean, well, it's weird because sometimes I'll go a day or two and nobody says anything and then you just,

you leave the house to run errands and 40 people are like, I've had people stop their cars or trucks and sanitation trucks or whatever in traffic. Like, and people are honking like, yo dude, oh, you know, whatever. I'm like, okay, thanks. And they're like riding along with you. And they're like, okay, thank you.

Do you remember when we were walking in Manhattan and a guy stopped you and said, hey, I saw you on Netflix. And I don't remember that. And you're like, yes. He's like, that's it. And then he left. Do you remember that?

I don't, but that sounds. He was just so excited that you did live in his little box and he saw you in real life. I was, this is recently actually, I was on the subway and a guy, I was pretty packed, and a guy, you know, kind of goes through like two or three people to get to me and go, and he's listening with headphones,

something on his phone, and he turns it and it's this podcast with this logo thing on it. And he's like, where? Were you listening like when, and that is a good place to eat. No, he had his headphones on. Oh, gotcha. Podcast isn't the kind of thing you blast on this.

That would be, that's the next thing. All right, Derek, I thank you for coming down here, a treat as always. And now I end every show by asking my guest a question. Yep, by asking my guest a question from Marlo. I just looked in the camera like the office episode, hoping that they'd cut to me. When the trombone happened.

Can I mention that I have a podcast called Party? Yeah, no, plug whatever you want. I got a thing called Party with Honor. It's all the mistakes I made trying to live life as an artist, or I've blown it. Yeah, it's pretty fun. Anything to, what about the comedy shows in Burbank? Got, yeah, at the Nightcap doing a show Tuesday nights

called You Blew It, and then Thursday nights called Parliamentary Lights, a comedy debate show based on British Parliament's rules. Oh, I like that. Yeah. And what about any tours coming up? Yeah, doing shows in Texas, in Houston, May 29th, and May 30th in San Antonio.

How did they go? They were so good. Oh good. Nice and cool. Nice and cool temperature, yes. Oh wow. Everyone's in a good mood. All right, good, good.

Anything else coming up that will have happened by the time this airs? Yes, I'll be playing the High Plains Festival September 19th through 21st, and it went pretty good. Okay, all right. It's not coming out. They're gonna be like, they talked about books for 20 minutes.

I want tips, I want Mr. Show stuff, I want to know about Jason Bateman, this fucking guy in his white socks, we don't get it. Okay, so this question is from Marlo, Derek. Do birds pee? The perineum is a special part of the bird. It can help with orgasms, it can help with pee. If a bird kegels it will pee

But it doesn't get to choose if peas or poops. Oh Unlike us unlike us You can't just say I feel like pooping and then go poo a bird can only poop when it has to poop And then it is seen a pee bird pee Hmm, I guess you never owned doves and did magic shows. No, I never did. Oh, wait, I did it for years. Oh no, no, that wasn't me.

That was somebody else. Here's a real answer. I've never seen a bird take a big, thick dump. It's only been wet and runny. So maybe it's all pee with a little bit of a clot in it. What, white magic? Yeah, a little white pee. That's actually exactly right.

Yeah, that makes sense. All right, there you go. She actually sent me a question for you. Oh, uh-oh. This is from Marlo as well. I didn't know she had access to your number. Yes, this might have been through Mommy. And does this not have to be a funny answer,

but why is Daddy such a silly Billy? I don't know her to say silly Billy. Me neither. She's been watching a lot of Bluey. Maybe they say silly Billy and blue II. Is that an Australian or New Zealand? but why Fucking pays the rent shut the fuck up bitch. I don't like it move somewhere else Yeah, I get your own pay pay your own. God damn right. Get to work. Yeah.

I get it. I'll text that to her. Okay. Thank you. All right. Thank you, Derek. Sense is Working Over Time is a Headgum podcast created and hosted by me, David Cross. The show is edited by Katie Skelton and engineered by Nicole Lyons with supervising producer Emma

Foley. Thanks to Demi Druchen for our show art and Mark Rivers for our theme song. For more podcasts by Headgum, visit Headgum.com or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and maybe we'll read it on a future episode. I'm not gonna do that. Thanks for listening. That was a Headgum Podcast.