Senses Working Overtime with David Cross - Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: July 24, 2025

Paul F. Tompkins (Mr. Show, Comedy Bang! Bang!) joins David to talk about tall buildings, the creation of the universe, and more. Catch all new episodes every Thursday. Watch video episodes here.Guest: Paul F. TompkinsSubscribe and Rate Senses Working Overtime on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review to read on a future episode!Follow David on Instagram and Twitter.Follow the show:Instagram: @sensesworkingovertimepodTikTok: @swopodEditor: Kati SkeltonEngineers: Anya Kanevskaya and Casey DonahueExecutive Producer: Emma FoleySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Headgum podcast. discernible difference my high school nickname good hello hello hello did you like a water coffee or anything i'm fine yeah okay great um and now you take your choice of seat you sit there yes oh is there a mic is it bro is this is this allowed it's okay yeah yeah yeah just need a i'll sit over here i don't like this you're no Dave Matthews and his band I can't sit in a different place if that's no no we're here now oh wait you've got my mind oh wait you've got my mind and then we go oh Jesus Freddie Mercury style

It's really heavy, too. How you doing, man? I'm good. I don't think I've seen you since the Walk of Fame thing. That's right. Yeah. This is like a million years ago. That was a while ago.

But it was so awkward that you would disrupt it like that because that's not like you to kind of hijack somebody else's thing and demand your own star. When else am I going to get a chance to do you? But no, I mean, I get it. I get it. It's just not. Because it hasn't come up again.

Right. So I feel like that was my one shot. Well, there's other people. There's other people. You could do it every time. They're welcome to do the same thing. What are you doing? I'll dismantle this whole studio.

Are you trying to get the copper wiring? I was trying to tighten this and it went the wrong way. Okay. One of those. Just random nuts and bolts dropping off. that's not for you to do you sit back and relax no I like doing it

this is what I do in my off hours there's another piece why are there so many there's so many pieces to this this look you made a you made it worse but that never should happen in the first place Paul was the one who

you know come on I mean you're trying to help but I didn't and you have as many skills at this as Paul does. It's a simple... Is that true? You've been doing it as longer than I have, though.

Well, by mere seconds. This specific thing. There's so many pieces. There's so many pieces. Okay, I'm going to let know. And this guy gets on there, and he keeps those pieces in place. That's his idea anyway. Paul's like the podcast of veterans, so he understands the cycle.

Right. Right. Oh, you got it. There we go. Nice. And then a piece left over. Isn't that fun? Well, this is... You can do whatever you want with. Yeah.

Put it on a necklace. This, all right, this thing cannot fly. You're not leaving without. All right. Now, I know that,

you must get this a lot, and a lot of people have written in, and I... Postcards? Mm-hmm. And I say the, um,

Paul F. Tompkins, the F stands for fun. And you say it stands for Francis. It's, neither is true. Okay. Okay. And this is embarrassing. It's an old family name. Okay. And I don't know that I ever told you this. Um, and it's why I use just the middle initial. I don't use the full thing. It stands for fascism. Okay. Well, I mean, it seems to be coming back around a little bit. I'm not quite comfortable enough yet because I feel like you live in Hollywood. Yeah. I want to see how things go. Yeah. Well, I don't think you have to wait too much longer. Well, thank God. All right. Paul. Good for me. Fascism.

Well, don't, you don't have to say the whole thing. Paul Fash Tompkins. It's F. Paul F. Oh, I see. I see what you did. So why included it all? That'd be the question.

Well, out of respect to my family. Oh, right, right. Right. And you guys... But we're not fascist, by the way. So where did the, what's the origin? It's just a name. Oh, it's a name.

It's not spelled the same way. Is it P.H.A. Well, obviously it's not. P.H. Oh, I don't know. It's F. Well, it's Paul F. Tompkins. Oh, right.

That's true. I wasn't thinking. It's F.A.S.H. But initially it was Paul P.H. Yeah? Yeah. I was trying to make people think I had a degree. Okay.

All right. Or that I knew a lot about pools. Alkaline levels? Oh, level. Let's your go-to vacation. Hey, what? If you don't go into the pool, if you just dyed your hair because it might turn it green. And they go, oh, the alkaline level is in the pH content.

Yeah. Saline. Sailing. Take me away to where I want to be. Does anyone know the rest? I don't know. I don't know the least. Salon take me away to where I'm indecipherable.

Wait. Oh, the canvas can do miracles. The what can? The canvas. I swear to God. The canvas can do miracles. No, it is. That just came to me. That just hit it. All right. But he's saying like as a painter, he's sort of be, it's sort of like he's saying, well, it's not me. It's the canvas does the miracles. Yeah. It's like God speaks through your fingers. I'm just a vessel for God's. Yeah. But it's, what's the first part? Sailing. Take me away to where I want to be. To where I'm going. To where I want to be? To where I want to be.

Something to see. Sure. Well, the canvas can do miracles. Just you wait and see. I don't think that's true. Also, just you wait and see. If you believe in me. It sounds like a threat to me.

It's the theme. It was a theme to a show that was not very successful. I think it had six episodes. Was it really? Randy and the Sea Beaver. Oh, Randy and the Sea Beaver. Yeah. Yeah, Canadian show.

Yeah. Yeah. That's why it wasn't successful. I mean, it was successful in Canada. Oh, it's run for 30 years. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever, have you ever seen some of their long running shows that are successful, like particularly the one about the gas station?

Oh, corner gas. Corner gas. Yeah. It's mind-bogglingly. Do you know I've never seen it? And I know Brent Butt, who is one of the stars of it, maybe one of the creators? Yeah. Who I've met.

The creator was the star. It was like a vehicle for... Right. Is he no longer on the show? I mean, is it, are they still filming it? I'm telling you. I honestly don't know. All right.

So I was, uh, I've worked in Canada a bunch and I happen to be there, uh, for an extended period of time and had never, never come across it. And then I saw it, but it has all these different, so there's an animated series i believe um the same level of not like the softest humor it's it's tissue paper thin it is nothing it is not and the guy's like yeah well all right okay like that's the the humor but it's essentially it is i don't like these people looking in here these these doors should not have glass in them these people.

But, but, so we get to see, they can't see us? Right. Somebody made eye contact with me. I mean, that's, either they're a master criminal. I love when criminals on a TV show do that, where they're behind the glass and then they look right at the person on the other side. It's crazy to me. It's like the fourth wall, the fifth wall, you know?

The fifth wall. They're breaking the fifth wall. It's like, um, it, it's almost as if that character had seen procedurals before. Yeah. In a world where their television doesn't exist. So, you know, SBU and all those law and order things. Oh, like TV doesn't exist? TV does not exist in this world.

Yeah, it's an important thing. It's a... Because otherwise, they'd say, this is like something on TV. Yeah, constantly. This case is wild. This is like something you'd see on TV. Yes, they would all, they would, they'd say that they would, when they look straight into the mirror to talk to the people, they'd say, You know, I watch TV.

Guy, I know someone's back there. When I watched, did you see Godzilla minus one? How many times? Let's say, once? No. Twice? Nope. Three times a lady.

No, no. Well, I saw it once. Yeah? And I had this thought. This is sort of an intrusive thought, but I have. I'm sorry, it's Godzilla minus one. Minus one. Who's the one that's missing?

Yarnel. And nobody's going to get that reference. You know, you have to be of a certain age. Oh, my Lord. Yarnel. Do you not know about this movie, Godzilla minus one? No, seriously. It's a big, it's a big deal because it's the first kind of classic Godzilla movie.

And this is recent? This is recent. This is a couple years ago. Okay. Right? Two years ago? Okay. Sorry.

I think we. This fucking Benny Hill skit. I'm just trying to free myself for these mics. So it takes place at the end of World War II. It's all Japanese cast. It's made in Japan. And it's like the classic Godzilla style. It's not like the new sort of, you know, where he's 5,000 feet tall or whatever.

Nuclear powered. Um, nuclear power does play into it. Does it? Yes. Is that his origin story? Is that where he came from? I think a lot of, his origin story, I'm not, look, I'm not a Godzilla scholar. No, everyone knows that.

Thank you. I'm more of a mothra guy. Sure. But, uh, I've seen your tattoos. There's been so many variations of Godzilla over the years, all still owned by the same people who have certain rules about Godzilla. The Jews? some of them might be yeah probably

but they there are certain things you you cannot do with Godzilla and there's certain things that have to be represented or whatever I do not remember all that Alvin and the chip monks

100% 100% or the Bill of Rights and so this was a classic Godzilla he's the classic size classic look and everything

but it's actually it's a very it's a good movie movie like it's a very thoughtful and I personally think it's a tad overrated. I didn't even know it was rated. People love it.

Okay. People love it. And it's fun. And so this is a Japanese film that they showed here, regular release. It wasn't like at Art Houses. No.

Okay. No. Okay. I don't remember. So minus one. I still don't know. The minus one, it's very, um,

oh, his wife. And he's looking for her. That's right. Oh. So it's Godzilla in search of his wife. He's handing out pictures to everyone. Yeah. And there's a lot of like, they hand it back.

People they couldn't afford to allow have a speaking line. There's no dialogue. It is just going to sending tiny photographs to people. They're trying to him. And they're pulling up a shrug emoji on their phone and showing it to them. Yeah. Because Godzilla doesn't know what a shrug is. Oh, right.

Because of his, yeah. The emotion he lives undersea. Yeah. The. I don't know why this came up. I don't know. But the idea, you've noticed that surely in a watching a movie where you're like, oh, they couldn't afford to have that person speak. Oh, yeah.

It happens all the time. It drives me crazy. Yeah. Because it's, it's, just give that person a line. Just let them say right away, sir, or whatever. It's a lot of shrugging. It's like. Yeah.

It's a little or like just a. Yeah. Then they walk away. Yeah. But the information is key to the, to keep the story going, the scene going. And they're like, have you seen da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And a person just like, nodding their head shrugging. And like, wow, they couldn't afford to give that guy a line.

I'd be very suspicious of that person. If I were like conducting an investigation and I said, have you seen this man? And they go, why aren't you saying? Right. Why aren't you talking? And then they write down on a piece of paper. Or I'll talk if you've got $900. I've tapped heart lead myself twice now.

Yeah. And then like SAG plus 10 or what is it? Scale plus 10. Scale plus 10. So this background artist has an agent. Yeah. But in real life. He's not a background artist, is what I'm saying.

You've met that person in real life. And they shrugged and you were suspicious of them. And you said, why aren't you talking? then they would write down you know I'll say something but scale plus 10 this is like a stevedore

that I'm visiting down the docks because there was a murder around there uh so wait what now you're rolling this is what

you're an investigator wait I thought you were just I thought you were just Paul asking a guy some no if I asked somebody a question as myself you said you would

feel like if if if I were in that situation, meaning if I were the investigator. Oh, not just you being, you. Yeah. Right. If I, if I were me and I asked somebody a question and they just went, I'd be like, okay. And then I would leave.

You'd have a story. I think that person's weird and I don't want to talk to them anymore. Right. That's just your, your intuitive sense of like, let's not fuck with this. If I can't even get a, uh, uh, uh of this person, like, no way. Yeah. But then what if he was mute? When you feel bad? You got to have a card. You got to have a card. Right. That says, I will talk if you give me scale plus 10. Well played. Yeah. Brought it around. Yeah, you did. All right. This has been Paul F. Tompkins. It was a short episode. It was really short.

But it gives people the chance to listen to it over and over again. Yeah. Can we do that? eyes and post so that it never ends. Just loops. It just loops. And then also some sort of ability to, these shows are three hours. So the ability to not be able to shut it off. Yes. That'd be great.

Like if there's a hidden thing. Like not skippable ads. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But you can't even shut your phone off. It won't let you do anything. Yeah. Or TV or computer.

Yeah. So you're about to go on a date. You're about to go into surgery, whatever. your phone is still playing this. They both can be the same thing. That's true. There's no reason to... You've got a date and surgery, yeah.

Yeah, fuck yeah. Or you can have surgery on a date. You don't even... Right? Yeah. Like, you... Like, you're on Grindr, as you would be. And it's like, I'm just looking for a hookup.

I just want... I'm a top. I also have a biopsy. Yeah. So is this something you'd be into? Meet me at the hospital. Yeah. I'll be wearing a hospital gown.

Easy, easy access. All right, you took it there. I just said the thing. But the person is a top. Oh, right. Oh, right. Well, unless you scoot backwards. Got to scoot backwards.

He got to scoot you into it. Scoot you back. Do do, do, do. Scoot you back. Yeah. Do you remember the song float on by the, the floaters? Yes, I do.

It seems like it'd be right up your alley. I discovered it relatively recently, I think a couple years ago. Really? Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah. I think I had heard the chorus to it, but I had not heard the full version with all the speeches and presentations. It is, well, the fact that one of the guys' names is Larry.

Yeah. And he's like, whatever. So for those of you don't know, I would actually Google it. And it's definitely worth your time. It's, and I think the long version, I want to say it's like 11 minutes. It's pretty long. It was the only hit they had, the floaters was float on. It was really popular when I was a kid in Georgia.

Are they a Georgia band? No, I don't think so. It was just like the urban black soul kind of folks. And the, you know, but it was like, it's real simple. It's just float, float on. float It's a nice mellow groove And they lay that down

Then they start talking There's like five of them I believe They tell their zodiac sign And then And then they basically have A presentation as to why you should fuck them Right And then one of them is named Larry

I can't remember his zodiac sign but he has this whole thing about uh da-da-da and then it ends with um you know this is you know why i think you'll find it you know making love with larry and it makes me laugh so fucking hard it's incredible making love with larry there's one guy i can't remember which it is because they announce they say my name is here's what i like here's the kind of woman that i'm looking for and the one guy's very terse like he's he comes out of the case like my name is Stephen I'm a Capricorn I like women who are clean I can't remember exactly what it is but he's like he's a stick he's clearly a stickler for this right whatever you gotta wash women's got to wash

they asses might have been punctual I can't remember what his issue was punctual punctuality not the sexiest thing but boy that will fuck Steve up oh wait I know what it is he likes women who are quiet. Yeah. I think we all do. I like people who are quiet. Yeah, right. I want to live in that world where nobody has any lines.

Yeah. Where they just shrug, asking for information. Is this the, does this bus go to West Broadway? Okay. Do you know which bus goes to West Broadway? Yeah.

And here's why that person, that bus driver, is allowed to do this. Oh, is the bus driver. I was asking a guy at the bus stop. No, you got to ask the driver. So just wait until the bus. That guy, the bus stop could just be sitting there. It might just be his thing. Okay.

Because there's a bench. Right. And there's a lot of crazy people out here. Truly. and the best thing you can do to get away from the sit on a bench. Right, right. And ask them questions.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a, the bus driver? Sorry. Well, the bus driver is not a fault. If he gives you the shrug, or she. Or they. Or they.

Because how many non-binary bus drivers do you think there are? 73, I think, at this point. That's two more than I would have said. Okay. Why? Well, it makes you think less. Just because you said a number. Okay.

But that's pretty close for a random. No, I think it's pretty close. All right. I think you're pretty close. Okay, but not. You just want your own individual. I think it's 71. Right.

But it says on the front of the bus what the destination is, unless they put the shrug emoji on there. Well, it's up to you. You pay half price, but you don't know where you're going to go. That sounds fun. It is a fun way to work on the bus. but you could also say it could be that's their destination ultimately but do you go to west broadway on your way to that destination would be a legit question oh no this i'm not calling in a question the legitimacy of the questions okay i think these people have every right to ask

these questions but you have to know if you live in this world where no one can speak you have to i think you have to phrase your questions a certain way oh i didn't realize no one in this world we've invented no one can speak just you and me are we do we know each other

no we don't know each other are we on do we know of each other we've heard of each other how could you hear it how is it possibly a one of those scratch cave paintings

but again you can't hear that you could learn of it but you can't hear a cave painting unless I've been going to see the wrong cave paintings you're not talking about the band cave paintings Yeah, of course.

Oh, shit. Yeah. They sing a song about it. Yeah. Oh, you can sing all you want. Wait a minute. You can sing all you want. La la land.

All right. I don't want any part of this world at all. No, no, thank you. I'm noticing your, for those if you're listening, your ensemble, your colors are jokerish. you know from the from the bottom down from the bottom down or the the mid part down i it's it's it's really unfortunate that the joker has ruined these colors for everyone right because they're there it's a great combo it's kind of only associated with the joker really is it associated

with anything if you also add gold it's marty gras of yes yeah yeah or ls u and i almost wore a yellow tie oh wow maybe full on like marty Gras, Tulane, right? That'd be Tulane. LSU is Baton Rouge. If you say so. I do. And then Tulane is the green way.

Nola. It's New Orleans, yeah. One time my wife and I, this is my first visit to New Orleans. You're not in New Orleans. I'm so sorry to... Are you fucking kidding? No, this is L.A. I'm actually relieved because this sucks.

Yeah. I was going to say this has been overhyped. This is not I was going to say this is just like where I live Yeah if you do show your tits You get a balloon Okay well where's that balloon Right there

Because guess what I did when I first walked in here Well they should have given you a balloon Everyone should have David Yeah But we were walking across the street We were at one of those little Sort of islands in the middle of the street Between two corners

Where there's like a traffic light You know what I mean And it's like... In the French quarter or... I don't believe... I don't know if we were in the French quarter. Oh, I know what you're talking about. The median.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So my wife stepped off the median to cross the rest of the way and did not see a car was coming and honked and so she jumped back, you know, on the median. And a guy sitting next to us said, you can't do that here. This is New Orleans.

Like, that was unique to New Orleans. Yeah, the New York, in, sorry, in New Orleans, they, you can't get hit by a car. Yeah, you can. Yeah. As opposed to. Anywhere else. We pride ourselves on the idea that you can be vehicularly manslaughtered. In New Orleans.

Yes. And you won't find that in L.A. or New York or Chicago or any of the quote unquote, yeah. Big, cool cities. Because it's illegal. Mm-hmm. So there's no. Yeah.

Nobody gets hurt by vehicles. And although it is, if somebody does get hurt, it's okay to just leave if you're in the car. Yeah. No, because I believe it's, what is it called a, it's a righteous kill state? Yeah. Yeah. Where if you can, if you can act righteous about it, they will let you go. Yeah.

It's your, it's, you know, you don't want your freedoms impinged upon. I don't. Yeah. Right. Well, that's the Louisiana promise. It is. The Thomas Jefferson arranged. Yeah.

You're welcome. Um, it is astounding to me, not astounding. That's not the right word. It's, it's interesting. Uh, that's far from astounding. It's that, uh, that New Orleans, which is one of my favorite cities. It's very American. It's very unique. I love it there. I love the people. It's one of the best cities in America in arguably one of the worst states. That state sucks. As a whole. As a whole. Except for New Orleans. Yeah. I haven't spent a ton of time outside of, I've been in Baton Rouge. I've been somewhere else. But in the sense of there, it's, you know, the poorest health, the least educated, the, you know, the most, the most unemployed.

I mean, it's just. A baker's dozen is just 12. The, sure. Which is, that's outrageous. Yeah, it's one less of what it should be. Yeah. Because a baker's supposed to slide you a little something. Yeah.

Yeah. Himselfself, I guess, or herself. But then they'll be like, it's a dozen. Yeah. And they were baked. Yeah, I don't know how we got into this part of the anyway. Oh, I think I injected it in there. You know, you did. So you did know.

That's true. I guess I was being diplomatic. We can tweak it in post. And, yeah, it's a, it's a just a, terrible dumb state but with the one of the coolest and terrible uh uh politicians and um they pride themselves and they're like the you know unhealthiest and whatever anyway but new Orleans is great love it true and you so you enjoyed it yeah of course that seems a city that you would love absolutely yeah yeah yeah and you get and you instantly get why it's so special

and so and that it is so unique. And the people are great. Yeah, you know, really great people. Yeah. Except for that one guy. Oh, the fucking, you know. Not in New Orleans. All right, all right.

Simmer down. That's what I'm doing. Okay, all right. Simmering down. Did I ever tell you about the clothing, or you might even been there, the clothing store in Minneapolis that basically is like the Paul Lep Tompkins store? Probably, is it in Minneapolis or in St. Paul? Oh.

Because there's one in St. Paul called Jaime's. That's what I'm thinking of. Yes. That's what I haven't even been there? Yes. Okay. It's great. But that's like the, I remember walking in going, this is like if Paul had a gigantic walk-in closet, it would be this.

That's the dream. That's the fucking dream. In fact, this is about the most dressed down I've ever seen you. You're really letting your hair down. Right. I'm having fun. Getting comfy. Yeah, I'm on my way to the gym.

Yeah, that's a great store. And I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, uh, purchased many things from there over the years. Yeah, I always like to, if I'm in the area, I like to stop in there and. So that's in St. Paul. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. There's, but you can be forgiven.

They're twin cities after all. They really are. Yeah. They really are. A fraternal or biological? Do you know? Somebody must know. Can you look that up?

What is the category of twin that's biological? It's when both of the twins are in gestated in the stomach. Okay. Then what's fraternal, I guess? That's my next question. Like you are part of a group and you, you know, it's a Greek origin. Like a fraternity. Well, this is fraternal.

No, I know, but like fraternity. Yeah, but it's not T, it's all. Right, but like. Like, yeah, yes. Yeah, yeah. So there's fraternal, there's biological, there's a, egalite. Egalitate, French. If you're in a...

Fraternity, biological, egalite. Yeah, fraternity is a word of French stole from us. And then it, yeah, I know. And we're going to get it back. Trump will get it back. Trump will get it back. Trump will fix it. You know the, I have seen so many horrors.

My life, Paul. I've seen so many flags and posters and bumper stickers that, you know, leading up to the election that Trump will fix it. Like Trump will. Trump will fix it. But that was the slogan of Jimmy Salmon. Who, yeah, that's right. Jim will fix it. Jim will fix it.

Yeah. The same spelling, same apostory. Jim will fix it. And he was a, uh, uh, notorious, uh, awful pedophile rapist. Prolific. Prolific. Yeah. And in really deplorable debased ways where he would go to children's hospitals and, you know,

yeah. So I always found that interesting that they co-opted a, uh, uh, renowned, awful piece of shit pedophile as Trump will fix it with his dick is that the implication yeah never made that connection yeah that's how we wrote out Gulf of America with his dick yeah I would high five but that's not I'm not gonna high five that I think it's implied it is it is it is and you can fill in the blanks at home if you're I always say at home you're not listening to this at home. I imagine you're in an automobile or on the subway, on an airplane, in an airplane. Get off of the airplane. Get inside that airplane. And, uh, or clean it up around the

house for a hubby. So you could be at home. You could be at home. Yeah. Unless you've, unless you guys have split and then you're at your husband's home, still cleaning up for it. I, I have trained to myself to say when I want to say something, when I want to describe something for someone who's not here online, for the listener, because it covers everything. What if, yeah, can I get you to, when we're done with this, drop a bunch of those and you'll, you just give me, just do 10 in a row, we'll leave the mic open. Okay, do it. for the listener for the listener for the listener for the listener for the listener for the listener one more one more one more anything that I haven't covered Um

Oh scared Yeah For the listener Okay good And maybe Uh Horny Oh

For the listener How about Um Vaguely English For the listener What about Dying What about dying?

For the listener And what about like a body switch, Freaky Friday thing? For the listener? And now the last, one of the last shots in Invasion of the Body Snatcher is the remake where the head of the human face is on the dog. for the listener.

Wow, I would not have put that one to that. I wouldn't have put that attitude to that face. Interesting. Well, thank you so much for that. We will be able to drop those in, cut them up. Yeah, guys. And we'll put them in. Well, that was very helpful.

What if St. Paul put on big glasses so you always knew which city was which? Oh, smart. You mean like the Sclar brothers? Yes. One has glasses, one doesn't. I've seen other twins do this as well. Yeah, big, like novelty glasses? Like the sunglasses you get?

Yeah, like the scars wear. Yeah, but they both wear them. So that negates the whole thing. But different colors. You know how I can tell who's who? Do you have a way? I do. What is it?

It's classes. Yes, but how, but still, how do you remember? Can I tell you this is, I'm not going to say who taught me this trick. I bet it was me. if it was a glasses. No, no, no, I remember who it was. Okay. And because the way he did it, and he admitted, it doesn't completely make sense,

but it sticks in your brain anyway. Okay. Jason, juh, glasses. What? Exactly. Makes zero sense. Exactly. Somehow it's because G&J can have the,

same sound. Okay. I see. So you're sort of saying G and J at the same time. Okay. When you say, now I get it. Yeah.

I think mine, my way is a little bit better. All right. Let's hear it. So for those, for the, for the listener. The Sclar brothers are identical twins. And it's tough to tell them apart. One wears glasses, the other doesn't. That's the best way to, which Paul gave us one example.

Well, mine is Randy doesn't wear glasses. Wait, let me tell you why. So, wait, wait, wait. I have no issue with it. Because it's ran is sans glasses. I swear to God it works after years of mumbling after years of like, hey, Zim, what's up? I may have shortened that if it were my method. Rand doesn't wear glasses.

Oh, right. Rand doesn't. Okay, sure. Mine was Rand Sands. It's great. Sands rhymes with Rand. It does. Yeah. It does. But what would mess me up is Ein Rand also didn't wear glasses. So sometimes I would think. Did she never? I would think, no, and I think Randy was Ein Rand. Say, hey, Jason and Ein Rand. I thought, I know, I thought Randy was Ein Rand. For the longest time. Oh, but he's not. No, he's not. I thought, oh, you wrote the Fountainhead. So he didn't write the Fountainhead. He did not write the Fountainhead. Well, for a guy he didn't write, he knows a lot about it, because we've talked about it extensively. Really?

And he's taken credit for a lot of stuff in there. Wow. Okay. Yeah. I'll have to, or actually, I'll avoid that topic because I don't want to talk about that fucking book. You don't? I don't. Never.

I don't think so. You don't want to talk about a little bit? Never say never, right? That's right. Leave yourself open to the possibility of one day that might be. be all you want to talk about. What's the last book you read that you really enjoyed? Boy, yo, yo, yo, y'oy, y'oy, y'ing.

And we're grading out of curse. The last book I read was a song called the, a book called The Naming Song by an author named Jedediah Berry. Okay. Who's written a couple novels that are, they're fiction and they are, they're all set in their own sort of worlds. Is this current author? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what I like is that there's always something about his books. You never know with Jedediah. Could be 200 years old. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. The worlds that he creates are vaguely unsettling, but in a really enjoyable kind of way. Are they like a collection of short stories or these were novels?

He has one short story and two novels. Okay. Yeah. And what was the name of the book again? The naming song. The naming song. The previous novel is called the Manual of Detection. Okay.

I think the short story was a room or a small door. You say it with a question mark. Because there might be another word in there that I'm forgetting. Titular. Biosphere. Does anybody ever put titular in the title? They should. Anagram.

Keep going. Eponymous. Keep going. gastroentology Oh, that's close, I feel like. Split P. Split P. Yep.

Thank you. You're welcome. You would get there eventually. The setting is Split P. Anderson's. And for the listener. Split P. Anderson's is. Well, that doesn't have to be a for the line. I mean, I guess it is.

But it's not. No, there's nothing visual. If you're not familiar with it. Split P. Anderson's. It is a rest stop. Well, not rest stop. No, it's a restaurant. It's a restaurant.

That you stop that. Don't throw it back at me like that. No, I've got co-signing. Okay. It's a restaurant French. We'll take that word. Trump will get that word back. A restaurant that specializes in split pea soup that's on the five in between L.A.

I-5, Interstate 5, between L.A. and San Francisco. Francisco. Yeah. You could also see the world. Kind of in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, absolutely. You can also see the biggest thermometer. That's on the way?

I thought that was south. Is it? I think it's south. That's a different, the biggest thermometer. That's Bakersfield or near Bakersfield, right? I believe so. So Bakersfield is going, oh, maybe that's going to Vegas. Yeah, that's going east.

Okay. Yeah, the world's biggest thermometer. That was, I don't know if you've been, last time you were at the St. Louis airport. Probably sometime last year. I need an exact date. Fuck, man. An exact date?

Can you give you a month? Nope. And I'm going to need you to, uh, within a couple hours. May 12th. Casey, look that up. Find out where Paul was on May 12th. You have access to that? No, we have the tracking thing.

The tracking thing. Yeah. It's going to be a little bit more specific. It's a neural link that we had. Yeah, checked out. Oh, okay. So, I don't know when you were walking from the gate to baggage claim. It's not a very good game.

2.15, yeah. PM. Yeah. Yeah, cases on it. They have like these highlights things to do in St. Louis. There's not a whole lot to do beyond the arch. But one of them is the world's largest chess piece. and it's a photo of like a rook or a bishop.

That's what they went with? Maybe it's a king. I don't know what it is. I would have gone with night. I think if you're going to do chess piece. It definitely was a knight. And it's like the world's, and it's not that big. I'm going to guess, I'm going to guess it is not much more than like 12 feet.

It's not that big. And it just, every time, it's like any other city, Oklahoma City. Omaha, El Paso, just get, like, do what the Empire State Building did with the Chrysler Building, is just make a slightly taller by a couple inches. Empire State was first, was it not? Empire State and Chrysler Building were going up at the same time. Really? Yeah, and then the Empire State, the guy who owned that one famously made the needle, the antenna,

like the Chrysler building had capped off. That shouldn't count. I don't think, I don't, I'm with you. I'm with you. I am with you. I don't think those should count. I am totally 100% with you. I'm suing.

For the listener, Paul has injured his, his ring hand. I did. I do have, because I already had a little scrape. Oh my God. That's horrible. For the listener, it's horrible. I don't know. I always have little scrapes on my hands.

What? That one in particular. I don't, I couldn't tell you. They're just there. Yeah, I got one. Oh, almost same place. Just happens. I got my first real six string.

You bought her the five and dime, didn't you? That should be a shitty stand-up guy who just goes and people, he's like, just start talking, man. And then he fills it in with lyrics. He's like, yes. Just start talking You know what occurred to me? Out of the blue. I don't know why, but...

What if I did? All right? That would be freaky, right? That would be freaky. What is it? What do you think? Okay, what just occurred to you out of the blue? This was about a week ago.

I was in New York walking out. Okay. Thank you. That's helpful. Not that... I don't want you to get hung up on that because there was nothing about my surroundings that made me think of this thing.

So the place doesn't matter. Does the time matter about a week ago, you said? No. Okay. All right. Okay. This is tougher, but I'm going to give it my best guess. Okay.

It just occurred to you that restrator is the correct way. It doesn't have the word restaurant, the full word restaurant in it. All right. This is your. this is fucking weird because that was not what I was thinking but it's kind of close

Oh, okay So it occurred to me I might have been walking my dog I'm not sure But it occurred to me Casey You don't really We look up

Unclear Unclear Would you have a magic eight ball? Must be nice Don't ask the magic eight ball Try again later Um Oh that you're

That in stand-up comedy, when I was coming up, when we were coming up, there was, there were a lot of song parodyists, and you don't see that at all anymore. Like, nobody goes up there with a guitar. There has to be, though, right? I mean, because people do it online. You tell me, when somebody goes, the next time you see somebody brings up a guitar or piano and they do the Gillian's Island theme song with something else. but to update it with whatever. Well, how's theme song? Apparently an update, but yes, it's a...

Okay, sorry. But, uh... I mean, I don't think shows have theme songs anymore with lyrics. Alone. Have you seen Alone? No, I have. Oh, it's great. That's my, that's one of my favorite.

Have you seen it? No? Neither one of you? Oh, it's really good. I don't think I know this show. Oh, it's very good. About survivalists who go out in these different really harsh conditions.

And it has a theme song with lyrics? It's, yeah, it's a... Oh, do you alone. No, no, it's not a current real song. Oh, okay. No, but it's played on a ukulele. Sure. And the big Hawaiian guy, who unfortunately recently passed, sang it.

The big Hawaiian guy. Yeah, Ike, I want to say, or something. He did Over the Rainbow on the ukulele. Oh, that guy. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. I've never, I've never seen him.

Wait, his name is tubby. I've not a nickname, Christian name. No Christian name. On the birth certificate. Yes. Tubby. Tobias. Tobias.

Tobias. Yeah, and you know, I don't know what that guy, I never knew what that guy looked like. I don't only ever heard the song. Hawaiian. So grass skirt. Yeah, yeah, pretty much. So, yeah, alone. A wonderful shirt.

And like, okay, so not, what about a Saturday Night Live? That is a theme song. Live from New York. I mean, the lyrics are very, spoken word intro. What are the lyrics to the alone song? Hey, you, by yourself, no mirror, no nothing, no shelf on the elf, you're alone. Oh, you're alone. Huh.

That's almost, I mean, how are you going to make that funnier? Well, it's not. The intent is not funny. Well, they should have put shelf on the elf in there. Well, there's no shelf on the elf. They're saying no, no, no, you know, creature comforts. Yeah, things like shelf on the elf. Yeah.

We're an elf on the shelf. Shelf on the elf, that'd be it for the elf. Shelf under the elf. You confuse parents. Yeah. They don't realize they're buying a shelf. Right, with an elf on it. Yeah.

Well, no, the Elf not included. Yeah. You have to provide your own out. I hope you are Christian and celebrate Christmas. God, I hope you are. We'll just, I would like to see, this is, this almost, this actually beats the last episode I did for starting to talk about this thing and then sputtering out in the amount of things that we started to talk about. and then veered off and do completely. I guess this is a good time to ask what was supposed to happen.

Nothing is supposed to happen. Good. You know. Because nothing did. Yeah. Well, something did. That's right. I mean, there's, yeah.

Something did happen 2,000 years ago when God made the Earth. 2025 years ago. No, they're taking time off. Oh, for what? They're taking years off. Oh, climate change. Just to make it seem small. like more recent.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He, now, as I understand it, the whole thing took six days. Yeah.

24 hour day, Gregorian calendar days. So I'm up, sundown. I never thought about it being a 24 hour day. Yeah, yeah. I thought of them more like a work shift.

Um, oh, like eight hours. Well, no, but that's why he rested, you know? Because he was just pulling all nighters.

Yeah. I mean, it's like the ultimate vendor, you know. And then he, on the seventh. Seventh day, he rested. That sounds like the book of Genesis finishes up.

It was the ultimate bender. At the seventh day, he rested. And then, instead of going in a linear fashion, they just went back to day one. So a week is only seven days because it took God six days to make Earth. Right. You know how long it took him to make, oh God, what is it? X-C-7-7-F lagoonus or whatever it is. It's in a...

What are you talking about? It's a planet that is in like six solar systems away. Anyway, it took him seven days to make that planet, and he had a rest for two days. Well, now, okay, we know all about that one. How long did it take to make Mars? Mars, I think, that was... his, so he made Earth first,

then he made the sun, then he made Mercury. Yeah. We didn't need the sun until, yeah. So it starts with Earth. Everything starts with Earth. Love it. And then the firmament, which the stars.

And then I think he went, Mercury, he went out of order. Mercury, Uranus, because that was funny to him. and then Venus so that he could make the Uranus joke. Because once he made Uranus, he was like, this is hilarious. Then he made it, sorry. So he made, sorry, he made Mercury, then Uranus, and he was like, I'm on to something here.

This is very funny. Then he made Earth, so we would all get the jokes. And then the other stuff. I think that was like contracted out. I'm pretty sure Mars, Venus, Neptune, and Pluto and Saturn got contracted out. Obviously Pluto was a, you know, a shit job. And so that got tossed. But yeah.

Eventually. Yeah. But that's all in the Bible. Great. Yeah. That's great to know. It's all in my pamphlet about the Bible. Would you like a pamphlet?

I love pamphlets. Okay. Cheese? Cheese pamphlet? I love a cheese pamphlet. Mmm. Mm-mm-mm. God damn it.

What was I going to say? Restor. Restor, yeah. Oh, we said it. We covered it. It's covered. Anyway, no song parodies. You don't see them.

I would bet if you went to clubs, you would see. Like, go up with mics of clubs. I bet you would see people doing song parodies. What's amazing about it is. is, is that I think people have continued to do it, and Weird Al has been the king of it the entire time. Yeah. People have come and gone.

Yeah, they're like, I mean, in Philly, there must have been a good half dozen. Absolutely. Yes. You know, we had in Boston. Nuclear fish, anyone? What's that one? Those three guys that did song paris. Oh.

But they, you know, like, uh, you know, uh, you know. You know, just call me Angel in the morning. So the guy, DJ Hazard, we go, Untie my ankles in the morning, Angel. You've told me about DJ Hazard before, and I don't think I ever knew that he did song parodies. He would go up with a guitar and do, yeah, and he had, like, he'd do two or three lines from the song.

Yeah. You know what I mean? That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it. But some guys go up there with a whole fucking piano. A whole piano. A whole guitar, sometimes a key tar. Yeah.

Do you know, I asked a keyboardist recently who plays with the off-book show, which is they improvise musicals. They're very good. God, that's got to be hard. That's like another layer of... It's Zach Reno and Jessica McKenna, and they are like savants at this. It's wild. It's hard enough to do without the music part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But to be good at rhyming, making it sound like an actual song and keeping a story going. Yeah. It's a lot. And funny. Yeah, and funny. And they're terrific.

But their keyboardist, Scott Pasterella, I did a show with them and he was standing at the keyboard because they have like a full band, they have a guitarist and a drummer and a keyboardist. Are they taking their cues from him, the keyboardist? Or does somebody take their cues? No, he, you know, they'll be improvising, you know, scenes, the scenes of the musical, the story, and then he'll start to play when he feels like, oh, this is going to be a song.

And then they go with it. Oh, meaning they're doing a scene and they're about to, quote, break into songs. Yes. And he comes in, they don't know that he's going to come in. No. Oh, wow. Even harder. I mean, sometimes it's like everybody realizes they're kind of headed the same way.

Yeah, yeah. But it is a lot of the time where he starts playing and then they will laugh because, like, well, now we have to sing. But he was playing standing up. He didn't have a stool or anything. Right. And it looked, like obviously looked more energetic and it looked cool, you know, that he was standing and playing.

And we talked about it a little bit and I said, have you ever thought about doing like a keytar? And he said, well, they're not really that easy to play. It's not the same kind of playing as you would do on a keyboard. And also you don't have as many, you don't get as many notes because it's not a full keyboard. Right. And then I felt stupid because I never thought about it before.

But of course it's not a full keyboard because that would be so... That'd be too big of a thing to wear. It would be so long. It would bounce on the... It would hit the ground. Yeah. And you couldn't do it. And much like the mic, you know, going into your mouth before, would you like it would hit the ground, also hit your...

You could get a stand-up piano as opposed to like it. I'm picturing baby grand. First of all, that would be too heavy to wear. you know. Yeah, but like an upright? Yeah. Or a box piano, and they call it a box piano, that a hobo would play. What, what piano would play?

A piano that a hobo on a train would play. What's that called? You know, when you go to a Western. Well, that's an upright piano. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. Hope on a box car?

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. That's what a hobo on a box car would play. This is such a specific image that I have not seen, but I feel like you have seen somewhere. So you never ridden the rails. I've ridden the rails, of course. In a box car with a, you know, with a hobo.

Well, I mean, if there's a hobo already in there. You're saying you're a hobo as well. I'll take my chances up top. Okay. Okay. Well, then you don't know what I'm talking about. No, I don't. Right. Well, you got to ride with the hobo. Don't be so, you know, hobo racist.

Snobob. Hobo snobby. That's a different, that's a whole different kind of snobby. This dude was hobo snobby. You know what I'm talking about? Not cool. How does the piano get in there? It's already in there?

They're transporting the piano somewhere? Yeah, and it's bolted in. And people, yeah, it's bolted in. And there's a handful of cows and a stool. What luck if you're a hobo and do you get on a box car? Like, hey, there's piano in here. That's where the phrase the luck of the hobo comes from. Oh, that makes sense now.

I thought it was ironic. Well, it is. Oh, because hobos aren't lucky. That's what that means. I've been using it wrong. Well, a lot of people think hobos are lucky because they get to, it's like, you know, deadheads. They get to just drop out of society and tour around, do whatever. They get to do that.

Yeah. They've chosen that lifestyle. Did you ever hear that thing where if you kiss a deadhead, you will live 10 extra years? At midnight? Yeah. If you kiss a deadhead at midnight, you'll live an extra 10 years. 10 years.

10 years. I didn't know that. Yeah. I have not heard that. But nobody can prove. that it's true. Yeah, it'd be a difficult thing. Because it's like, well, how do you know that person wasn't just going to live that long anyway?

And what about, um, if you finger of somebody who's into fish, does that give you it? Well, then you're snitch. What? And stitches get stitches. Oh, I meant like sexually finger. Oh, I think you just get a good time. You don't get extra years at or not your life. I mean, unless joy adds years to your life.

You know what I'm saying? Uh, I, not, I mean, sure. You ever done the fish finger? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you know what I'm talking about. Okay. It's a feeling like no other.

I mean, I did it for money. So. Sex work is work. Yep. Human rights is, or trans rights as humans' rights. Human rights is people. Human rights and so is sloyalent green. You know?

Yeah. What the fuck? Those soylent people that made the liquid, you know, the pouches. Oh, immediately thought of that. Immediately. It's fucking crazy. Yes. Why did they do that?

Immediate. That is right up there with, except they did it after the thing existed. I know, that's crazy. I thought the same thing, but it's... Why don't I'm a poison? It's... Or cannibal. Yeah, human flesh.

It's insane. It was, I swear to God, I had that same thought like this. Because it had to. gone through so many people signed off on it. That's, it's mind boggling to me. And it only has one reference. Yes.

And that references in a sci-fi movie where people were eating people. Yes. And it was called Soylent Green. Yeah. It's not like, A Soylent actually is also a Gaelic word that means freedom. Right. Yes.

But I know what you're going to say. AIDS. Yes. That was just very unfortunate. Oh, it's so unfortunate. The worst timing in the world. Yes. A candy called AIDS.

A diet candy. A diet candy called AIDS. You saw that South Park, right? No. Oh, God, it's fucking genius. I mean, I really think South Park is one of the most underrated comedy shows. Is it still on? Yeah.

They're making new episodes. Yeah. It's, but the eight where, uh, uh, Jared from Subway gave him he had AIDS, but he has a helpers, but he gets the kids. It's a, it's really, really dumb, funny thing that makes me laugh so hard. But it's like the AIDS candy. Yeah, that was a, um, shout out to that and Trey. Yep.

Um, Paul F. Thank you so much for coming down here. This is an absolute treat. Well, it was on my way. Oh. To fun. Oh, okay. Is it to, okay.

Is that near a Flavortown? Yeah. Okay. It's a suburb of Flavortown. Now, I, uh, I close every show. Oh, okay. Like, make a call. I close every show with a call to Z-103.

You're going to win. You're going to win. Trying to get tickets, uh, to see L.A. guns. And. No. I end every show with a question from my daughter. So it was seven when she asked this. Okay, so this is your question.

Now, does she know of whom she is asking the question? Nope, no. These are just things that she wants to know. She'll say, I have a question for your podcast. I have a question for your podcast. Okay, great, great. And she's seven? She was seven.

She just turned eight, like literally days ago. Pretty lady. But she was seven. All right, ready? Yes. Paula Thompson's, Marla would like to know, how can parrots talk? Mm.

Parrots can talk because they are not in league with the other birds who can all imitate human speech and know what they're saying. But parrots are the only one. one's willing to betray that secret. Well, what about minor birds and cocktoos and... They don't know what they're doing. They seem to know.

I know they do. Oh. But they don't know what they're doing. Those guys are faking until they make it. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. Parents know what they're doing. They've also all agreed like,

okay, if you are red and yellow, you're only going to know this many words. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. If you're an African gray, you know tons of words and you live forever, you know. So there, it is. I don't like to use the word

conspiracy. I thought you liked to use that word. You know, I did for a while. Yeah, what happened? It started to sound like nothing to me. You know what I mean? When you used the word too much. Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, conspiracy, conspiracy. It sounded weird. But now I'm back. Okay, cool. From outer space, don't turn around now. With that look upon your face, I should have changed that stupid luck.

I should have gone. Wait, the lyrics are, I've come back from outer space. So now you're back from outer space. Wait, so the person she's talking about was an astronaut? You could take it that literally, and I like to. Yeah. But I think she's more like, you go off and you do whatever. I never know.

Oh, you're back from outer space? And then the person would say, no, I would. in Kansas City. Yeah. I had work there, but now I'm back. Right. But that's not good enough for the lady and I will survive. Yeah.

Gloria Gaynor, I believe. Yeah. Mitzie Gaynor's daughter. But do you think that the woman in the song is Gloria Gaynor? Or do you think Gloria Gaynor is singing the song from that woman's perspective? I think she's singing the song from Mitzie Gaynor's perspective. That makes sense to me. Yeah.

So parrots can actually talk way more than they, than we think that they can. can. But all birds can. They're just betraying the bird. Okay. Except for minas who don't know what they're saying and cockatoos. Don't know what they're saying. Yeah. Cockatoo's don't, they don't know what they're saying in English. They can speak every other language. Oh, really? But when you hear them speak English, they have no idea what they're saying. Yeah, Mandarin. Cantonese, yes. Okay. And Clingon? Yeah. They learn Clingon. Sign? ASL? Yeah. Absolutely. okay shit uh well thank you that's that's great marla i hope that that answered your question um well marla didn't uh submit the question marlowe did who's marlowe that's my daughter

what happened to marla oh you didn't hear no oh yeah uh i was on my way to fun no she was got caught up in the whole thing in Asheville helene yeah So we'll cut that out because it's going to make you look very insensitive. I think it's wise. Yeah. And thank you. You're welcome. Paul Lep Tompkins, do you have anything you'd like to plug?

Yeah. I want to tell people that I'm doing my variety show, Varietopia, going on tour. Great. At the end of April, do a springtime tour, hitting a bunch of cities. And I'm very excited about it. Where can they find out? They can go to Paul F. Tompkins.com slash live. okay yeah and that's where all the ticket links are um you coming to new york yeah gonna be at irving plaza

oh sweet yeah looking forward to it what when what's a date that's going to be the great carnack in may first week of may nice something like that yeah we'll be in philly on may fourth may the fourth be with you that's fun it's fun and i think either before that or after that we're in new york that makes total sense right what about you can't be in New York on the day you're in Philadelphia same day I'd really have to hustle yeah yeah well one of those would have to be an afternoon show yeah so do it do a matinee yeah in one city and then a nooner as they said in punchline remember yeah the locker room the made up talking about doing a locker room yeah doing a new I got a noon he says it he's like running rushing at the subway Sally

He's like, I got a nooner uptown at the hospital. He has a nooner. Nobody says that. And the lockers. Oh, the lockers. That was two things. I could watch that again. I haven't seen it since it came out.

Motorcycle man. His helmet has secret compartments. I remember that. Beauty of a joke. I do remember that. Why don't we have superheroes that are like regular people? Motorcycle man. His helmet has secret compartments.

That is the dumbest But he did I will say Tom Hanks did a great job Of making things sound like They were stand-up comedy He had the cadence He had the delivery of all those boats But it is wild

What an impossible thing that is to capture For most people You know he did it really well Was the big sick Kamal's movie Yeah but they still I'm pretty sure They did that thing that

is an absolute deal breaker thing where they did it in baby reindeer too which is when somebody is bombing the feedback on the mic

which never happens it doesn't work that way I cannot abide by that feedback does not happen because a situation is uncomfortable but if you notice anytime there's a microphone

in anything there's always feedback, even if it's a little tiny bit at the very beginning. Yeah, it's... And I tweeted about this one time and sound people got mad at me. They're like, blame the director. They always make us put it in.

I'm like, okay. Well, I'm glad to know whose fault it is. They do it in Baby Reindeer, where it's like, that's not what bombing looks like. People don't sit there. Also, also, have you been to a stand-up show in the UK? They're never that quiet. Are you kidding?

If you are bombing, they let you know. That's very true. And they don't rely upon the mic to go, coughing and a clinking of a plate or a glass. Yeah. It doesn't work that way. Fuck you. All right.

Thank you for coming down. Cents is working overtime is a headgum podcast created and hosted by me, David Cross. The show is edited by Katie Skelton and End. engineered by Nicole Lyons with supervising producer Emma Foley. Thanks to Demi Druchin for our show art and Mark Rivers for our theme song. For more podcasts by Headgum, visit Headgum.com or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and maybe we'll read it on a future episode. I'm not going to do that. Thanks for listening.

That was a HeadGum podcast.