Senses Working Overtime with David Cross - Sam Morril

Episode Date: July 17, 2025

Sam Morril (We Might Be Drunk) joins David to talk about earning their jokes, circle jerks, and more. Catch all new episodes every Thursday. Watch video episodes here.Guest: Sam MorrilSubscribe and Rate Senses Working Overtime on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review to read on a future episode!Follow David on Instagram and Twitter.Follow the show:Instagram: @sensesworkingovertimepodTikTok: @swopodEditor: Kati SkeltonEngineer: Nicole LyonsExecutive Producer: Emma FoleyAdvertise on Senses Working Overtime via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Agent Nate Russo returns in Oracle III, Murder at the Grandview, the latest installment of the gripping Audible original series. When a reunion at an abandoned island hotel turns deadly, Russo must untangle accident from murder. But beware, something sinister lurks in the Grandview's shadows. Joshua Jackson delivers a bone-chilling performance in the supernatural thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat.

Don't let your fears take hold of you as you dive into this addictive series. Love thrillers with a paranormal twist? The entire Oracle trilogy is available on Audible. Listen now on Audible. Listen now on Audible. Yeah Yeah, whatever what you tell me I don't care Yeah, sure Available for purchase yeah, you can get it. We're at we're at the Comedy Cellar which is like cool. It's cool and play. We're at the strip house, the steak house, really good steak house. I think we're at Luger's now. I think we just got in at Luger's.

We've, it's literally, it's fun. Well it's, we played all these strip mall comedy clubs for like 15 years and we were like hey would you guys want, and now we're just getting hit up like the Comedy Store just I was I don't think I'm past at the Comedy Store and they they hit us up They have that weird higher. That's that's that's In great part why it's so smart. Yeah, it's fun But we are we have not even come close to making our money back, but that's all right But I mean it's an investment. Yeah, it's an investment and but yeah, we don't know anything

So we just one of things you just have to like listen to you have to listen to people It's just weird to be And then I found out all these other comics have liquor so I didn't even like Ron White has tequila Bird and Tom have a vodka, but that was after us, but they at least didn't go whiskey because of us They knew we had a liquor. So I was like, all right. Brendan Shoppe, he's not really a comic, but he has a non. It's like 90 bucks a bottle, which I was like, are you a fucking psycho? You're just how much is this about like 40 bucks or 45 bucks? Good value.

Yeah. Assuming it's good. Yeah, it's good. How long is it? Oh, over three years. Uh, in new charred American oak barrels. 90 proof, non-chill filter. Is that a good thing? I actually don't know. I'm an idiot. I don't know. Uh, I don't know what non-chill filter means.

It sounds good. Here, let me, uh, let me Here let me audition for your... You know that feeling when you see a sleepy bodega cat lounging on a bag of chips or yesterday's paper? Just makes you smile. We want a sip of our whiskey to do the same. Bodega cat straight rye whiskey. We can clean that up.

I thought you were improvising that for a sec. I forgot that's on the bottle. I was like, damn, you're good. Is crafted to match the spirit of New York City's very own bodega cats. Unpretentious, fun, and a little mischievous. So here's to the New York bodega cat, a staple of the city. And who knows, maybe one day bodega cat whiskey will be your staple too.

Mark and Sam government warning, according to the Surgeon General. Well, leave that part out. We got it. Okay. All right. That's good. Yeah. Um, you have a good voice for this.

So that was pretty good. Distilled in Indiana. Yeah. What the fuck, dude? A lot of whiskey, a lot of whiskey from Indiana. It's a big whiskey state. Good bang for your buck. New York. What about upstate? Cats from Indiana. It's a big whiskey state. Good bang for your buck. What about New York?

What about upstate? Catskills. It's so expensive to do anything in New York. Oh wow. Yeah, anything in New York. Wow, I see where your priorities are. Interesting. With Jersey, we could do Jersey.

New York is a pain in the ass. Anything in New York is a pain in the ass. Now what about all the, I know that there are a bunch of distilleries up like where I'm around upstate. Is that where you live upstate? Both, I'm here in Brooklyn. I mean, I've had a place up there for 17 years, but-

Oh, nice. It used to be there all the time, but now that my daughter's in school, you know, we're up there less. But actually when we're done with this, my wife's grabbed my daughter out of school early. We're heading up there for a long weekend. Nice.

Which will be nice. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do up there? Um, I mean, different things, mostly like not a whole lot and a lot of, um, like kind of, like, like if you can see, this is from last week, my hands are kind of cut up, lots of little, little cuts here and there. The gardening?

Uh, this was, I was taking the, these really strong, I don't know what they're called, but they're almost like bamboo, these weeds that grow fucking like eight, nine feet tall, right? And they have the little plume at the end. And, uh, and I was getting rid of, uh, those things and they just slice your hands up and, you know, uh, pull it, trying to pull them from the root. But, um, getting rid of that. And then I love chopping wood. It's, I know it sounds silly.

You look like you love chopping wood in your outfit. This is like. I mean, I don't know. I've really come to enjoy it. And, and you know, just, I mean, I have finished a couple projects up there before my daughter was born to just go up there and write, sit on the porch.

It's in the middle like in the woods, in the middle of nowhere, tiny, teeny, tiny town. My wife has finished projects writing stuff up there and it's really good for that. I shot a movie up there. Damn. It's great and I have a lot of friends there and it's beautiful, it's cheap, in that relative sense.

When you say upstate New York, people immediately think of Hudson Valley, right? Going up. I don't, but yeah. Well, when people say upstate, are you thinking like upper- Up, up. I think like, I'm thinking like Buffalo, Rochester.

Right. Well, what do they call that? Yeah, there's upstate and downstate, I guess, because they refer to us as downstate. Do they? Yeah. I guess I haven't hung around enough. I've never heard of that. I mean, you're right.

That is upstate, but when people like myself, who live in the city and go, oh, I'm going upstate for the weekend, I mean, 99% of the time, they're assuming it's, you know, what are those little towns? Hudson Valley's like an hour. It's not even like really far, right? No, no, yeah, it's, you know, what are those little towns? That's in valleys like an hour. It's not even like really far, right? No, no. Yeah, it's right there. It's straight, straight shot. You can take the train or you can

drive up and it's kind of bougie now too, right? It's super bougie. It's beautiful, but it's also really expensive. Yeah. And where I am is just as beautiful and less than half the cost of living. And it's got its influx of gay guys from the city who've turned little pockets into like, oh, there's actually. That'll turn up property value too. The gays come yeah. You're looking at a nice little flip at some point. Oh yeah. Yeah dude. They got a gallery all of a sudden. Oh shit. And overpriced candles and all that kind of bullshit.

I love an overpriced candle. And this, this'll be up there. A bodega cat straight right, I guarantee you. There will be a place you can, I'm gonna do this for you. I'm going up there. I'm gonna go into Narrowsburg, which has changed dramatically.

I have friends who go into the local liquor stores and they're like, you don't have Bodega Cat? Just like, what do you, clearly you know this guy, you're an asshole. That's what I used to do with my wife as a writer, amongst other things, has written a bunch of books and specifically she's got like four books of poetry. And poetry is something I always get a little angry. Like I understand if you don't ever book in the fiction section, there's a good billion books, right? That are, you know, worthwhile.

But honestly, how many poetry books are worthwhile? Not that many, right? Yeah, I mean, I don't, I'm not up to date on my poetry, honestly. I'm not either. I don't know poetry well. But I go in, I'm like, hey, do you have, do you have Dark Sparkler by Amber Tamblyn? Like, no.

How come? Because I see these 80 poetry, but I don't even know who these fucking people, and then I will get angry and I'll light a fire in there. And I'll go back behind where the dumpster is and light a fire there. And, uh... And then I'll come back around and I'll go...

And I'll be through the window, right? And I'll be like, uh, TikTok, motherfucker. You got about, you know, 60 seconds to get that fire out. And they're like, what? You heard me? And then, then they'll say, and then they're like, all right, fine. We'll carry your poetry book. No, they didn't hear me cause it's through the glass. And they're like, uh, and so then we have like a five minute exchange about, I know you heard me.

And they're like, I can't, I can't tell. And it seems like we're having a conversation, but they're just saying, I can't hear you and I'm continuing it from my end. But there's a wall of glass. By this time the fire is gone. Somebody else has called the fire department. Damn, it's spreading.

It's spreading, yeah. Because there's a fertility clinic next door. Yeah, and then there's a hobby house. Damn, now you are the guy you look like. You're the terrorist. I beg your pardon? Oh, I'm sorry. Do I look like a terrorist?

No, no, just the beard. You look like you either could be the most sensitive man or the most dangerous man, I can't tell. Who's to say those are mutually exclusive, Sam? No, you're saying the words, I'm thinking Ted Kaczynski, I don't know. But you're married. I am married. Yeah, Ted was not married.

No, unmarried. If only they had AI sex partners back then. Do you think that would have been stopping them? I think that would have stopped them. I don't know, dude. I think that would have stopped a lot. Are you kidding? I'm like, hurry up, speed this shit up.

The sex robots? The sex robots? Half of these fucking in cells will be they're not gonna be taking women out I don't know but but that's it's basically just jacking off Yeah, but I think they're I think if I think they would be like personality to you need it needs to be like almost like the I'm talking about like the I'm talking about the new ones that they'll have at the CES convention. You see them and it's always the lead story when ABC News does the 38th annual consumer electronics show in Las Vegas.

They'll get to the Roombas, but the first thing they do is the sex robots. It's always Japan. Japan is at the forefront, leading the way. Yeah, Japan is crushing it, huh? They love their sex robots. I mean, we got, we had a sponsor for a minute. We didn't have them, but like, called the VacuGlide. I don't know if you've heard of this.

No, is it like a flesh light? It's like a $1,000 dick sucking device. It's like a really high end one. $1,000? We were like, I was like, cause our,000 dick sucking device. It's like a really high end one. $1,000. We were like, I was like, because our producer was like really proud. He was like, I got us VacuGlide and we're like, we don't know what that is. And that's probably good we don't know. And then I looked it up, I was like, holy shit.

But, and Mark and I were like, this will be cool. But then they only sent one and we're like, all right, you take it, I guess. We're not going to like fight over it. So we just gave it to our producer. I can't believe you guys are that homophobic that you can't- That we can't go back to back? You can't go back to back.

I mean, clean it out for crying out loud. I don't think it's homophobic. I think it just felt weird. I think it was just like, I don't know. Yeah, it feels weird cause it's homophobic. You think so? Yes. But I've done-

I don't mean, I've always had a problem with the word homophobic cause it sounds like you're scared of gay people. And that's not- I think it was more germs than homophobia, but you're right. Yeah, nice, nice, nice try. It's germs. All right, I hate gay people.

Jesus. Yeah. No, we, no, I mean- Are you Jewish? I am Jewish. So you're circumcised. I am. Okay. Is Mark? Mark pretends to be Jewish. She's I am Jewish. So you circumcised I am okay is mark mark Pretends to be Jewish. She's not you but is he circumcised? I actually don't know

No, I was your now's your golden moment. I'm gonna text him There's less to worry about germ wise that's where I was going with it. Yeah Well also, I mean look I I used to jack off with other kids and like seventh grade when we were like on other kids No with other kids in the room. When we were like- On other kids? No, with other kids, in the room. You never did that? I think that was a city thing. Oh, circle jerk.

Circle jerk. Are you fucking out of your mind? You think that was just in the city? I bet that's more country. Really? Oh, fuck yeah, dude. But it's worse in the city because there's less space. It was worse to do because we were cramped doing it.

Yes. Pillows played a big role. Yeah, if you're in a closet It was like worse to do because we were like cramped doing it. Yes. Like pillows played a big role. That would, that would, yeah. If you're in a closet with a couple other guys jerking off, doing a circle jerk. Yeah, but we know we did the circle jerks. We did it all the time. Cause it was like, you know. But wait, and what about the, I know there was a thing, was it an animal?

Or is there was a thing about the cracker you jerk off? Oh, fuck that. No, we didn't. Was that a real thing? Not for us. I mean, I think it must've come from somewhere, but yeah, I think that I never, frat life was so not appealing to me.

I mean, I, when I was in school, I went there for the free booze during like the rush. And then I was like, oh, I'm not, I remember they were like one of the frats. They were like, of course the most racist frat was courting me the hardest. They were like in trouble for doing blackface in New Orleans. And they were like, with our first selection, you, I'm like, oh, great.

I'm, uh, I'm glad, I'm glad that you got, and they tried to intimidate me into joining. They were like, they circled me. They didn't jerk on me. They circled, but they like had like the fists out, like, like kind of clenching. Being like, are you joining or not? And I was like, is that guy? I just said, is that guy going to hit me?

And he was like, no. But I was like, it looks like he's gonna hit me. That's fucking weird, what school is this? Tulane. Why'd you go to Tulane? I don't know. I think I just want, I think everyone was like, you gotta get out of the city.

Right. And then I got it. I mean, I love New Orleans, but Tulane is. It's not, I love New Orleans. It's one of my favorite cities, but yeah, it was not. And also- Oh wait, Mark's from there, yeah? Mark's from there. Yeah, yeah. We didn't know each other there, but I knew like other New Orleans comics

I was doing open mics and then um, you know Sean I didn't know Sean then he had just left for New York So but I had gone right as Katrina hit so I came back anyway. Oh boy. Yeah, that was that was weird I'm gonna I'm sorry to keep interrupting and take but do you remember? it's it was on a, kind of a main road and there was a bar that was a railroad car? Is that, and it was by Tulane? I don't, oh, no, I don't know the name.

Do you know what I'm talking about? No. No? Okay. I don't know the railroad car. Then of course you wouldn't know the name. No, I'm thinking, I thought I visualized the first act, but no, it's not. OK, there's so many good bars in New Orleans. Yeah, it's just awful.

It's like before you get into the city, like where Tulane kind of is. Yeah, it was getting shady by the time I went back for a little bit. It was getting kind of shady. Like the one night I didn't go out with my buddies. They got held up at gunpoint. Jesus. And one of my friends was like, he's like kind of a bad ass. He was like, fuck you to the guys. And they were like, Jesus.

And then they just like captured the other friend. He was hammered. He just like went away. Right. But yeah, New Orleans got really, I mean, it's still shady. You could be on like the nicest part of New Orleans. You've been like St. Charles and some dude with a gun will just like walk up to you.

It's crazy. It's so odd because to me, New Orleans is like one of the best cities in easily one of the worst states in the country, if not the worst. As far as unhealthy, poor, dumb. That whole area of states is like kinda, it's dicey. I mean, the nice parts are nice

and then there's everywhere else. But I got way off track. So I don't even know what we were. It was. Older Rod Riders, Circle Jerk, New Orleans, Open Mikes, Sean Padden, Martin North. No, no, that was going forward. I mean, going backwards to. You were No, no, that was going forward. Let me go backwards to... You were into, oh, the guy, Frats.

The guy was going to... I never liked... Tried to intimidate you into joining. He was weird. And then I remember there was the other frat there that they were like, I guess, like the badass frat, like the crazy frat. And they, I just saw them on, the second I left,

they were like on CNN, they were like, they're in hot water. And I was like, they poured boiling water on some kid's face. Yeah. And then the- It was a good pun they came up with. That's pretty good.

That's very New York Posty. Yeah, it's very New York Posty, but they dumped water on some kid and like disfigured him. It's, I don't know why I'm laughing. Yeah, that's what boiling water will do. Yeah, it's a- And why? Was that just part of the, hey, welcome to the team?

I don't get hazing. It didn't appeal to me. I'm like, I don't want some, I don't even like this guy. I'm gonna let this guy abuse me. Yo, I don't, I mean, it's way, way, way beyond me. And also the whole thing about, you know, it's just a bunch of dudes and we're all super secret friends and we have super secrets.

And it's just so kind of childish and weird. But also it's like you've, you abused me for like six months and then we're just going to be like brothers. Yeah, that's it. Tough love and tough love. Dude. That's, that's, I think that's supposed to be

baked into the psychological appeal. Now we're best friends. Yeah. Now we're best buds. I would hope so, but now we're best friends. Yeah. Now we're best buds. Well, I would hope so. That sounds like a happy ending. Yeah, no, the culture of it was really abusive. I didn't like it, but I loved, I did love New Orleans,

but I was doing standup and it was like, there was nothing going on there. It was like one open mic a week. Yeah, Sean, he was a good friend and opened on tour a couple times and has, you know, he's from New Orleans and, you know, talks about how much he loves New Orleans, but the comedy scene is just horrible.

There's no quality either. Also, stand up there is just not, it's one of the things when like, when your culture is all about music, I feel the same way about Nashville, honestly, when the culture is all about music, I feel the same way about Nashville, honestly. When the culture is all about music, it's kind of like not the best. Nashville is fucking, I mean,

I remember the last show I did there, and I've been going to Nashville off and on for decades, and it's just unfortunately, I think, past the tipping point of, it's just just exploding and growth and they've got all those like the Gulch with those, what do you call them, mixed use, you know, so there's condos and then they have these areas, a lot of cities have them now, but they're just like kind of- Solace. Solace, yeah, exactly. And kind of those like corporate chain things that don't look necessarily like a chain,

but it is, and it's like, or a fake British pub, you know, just it's like- Yeah, but usually you want to be yourself. Be like the mom and pop shit is what I want anyway. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Nashville used to be, I have similar feelings about Atlanta too. And again, this could just be the old man going, it's not as good as it used to be.

But I remember telling Nashville like, look, or the show I did, like, I'm from Atlanta and I'm telling you, stop. Stop the growth. You're losing all your character and fucking, what's the main, what's the drag there? You know, the thing, the big strip, Broadway, right? Oh yeah, Nashville, yeah.

Yeah, Broadway. And- Through all the bachelorette parties and the buses. It's a lot. No, they're not buses though, they're the petty cabs. Oh yeah. They pedal, they- Which seems miserable by the way.

Like why, you're like, you're just pounding beer and peddling? Like what the fuck? It's cheap, man. It's cheap. It's a great way to make money is open up those bachelorette or bachelor party. Yeah, you get the, it's like a little, you know,

tiny like trolley car thing. It's open and they pump a bunch of stupid music and everybody, yeah, gets hammered and pedals their way up and down the street. Go, woo! Yeah, but then, you know, people listen to me like, shut up, you live in New York. Like I remember when that pizza place-

Well, you don't live in Times Square. No, no, for sure. Not yet, but one of these days. I'm working my way up, dude. I wanna live next to that Eminem store. That's how you know you, no. I wanna live in the Eminem store. That would be cool, man.

You just get, you know, Times Square is terrible. But I remember when there was that pizza place by Stand Up New York on 78th and Broaddus, like a classic pizza place, and they just turned into a giant Marshalls. And I was like, oh, fuck, this is, that's one of those, you see little things like that and little by little, it just kind of breaks your heart.

You're like, oh. Oh yeah, I mean, I have my whole, where'd you grow up? I grew up in Chelsea originally, then Upper East. Okay, so my, pretty much all my experience was downtown, you know, like very, um, and I remember when there was a gap on St. Mark's, that was a big deal back in the eighties. And then cashmere on Avenue B and seventh, like what the fuck? Good luck with that, you know?

And then little by little by little by little. And then the next thing you know, there's a Kmart in Astor Place. That was a big one. And I mean, just like all kinds of, and the Cube's gone and there's another. I always think of Todd Barry's joke about that Kmart where he's like, down with Kmart

and there's stuff people can afford. He's like, we want a vintage clothing store here where you sell Kmart shirts for $80. Right, right. No, it's true. I mean, I went to Kmart a bunch. I liked it, yeah, but I know what you mean. I know what it represents.

I get that, but now we're at the point now with Amazon that I go into a Walgreens and I feel like I'm helping the little guy. You know, that's where I'm, I mean, with Amazon- That's how they get you. That's how they get you. That's how they get you. I mean, so I'm like happy to see a Barnes and Noble.

Yeah. You know, isn't that fucked up? Yeah, absolutely. Barnes and Noble used to be like, this is a chain. And now you're like, oh shit, people still have, they're still bookstores. That's a really good point too. And I do try to support independent bookstores

wherever I go. And you know, the strand is like the classic New York. I'm down in Brooklyn. So I go to green, what's it called? It's on Fulton green light and it's great. And, and, but there's not a whole lot. There's one on Vanderbilt that's kind of specialty books.

I don't know, I mean. But when you're on the road or something and you find one of those cool like indie bookstores, that's like the spot. It's, I love that. Oh, and I go like Tattered Cover and Prairie Lights. City Lights and SF. City Lights in San Francisco, yeah.

And yeah, I mean, there's some great, there's a great one in Denver where they took an old post office building from the 1800s, beautiful, beautiful, that kind of, you know, large, huge stone kind of building. And the whole thing is a bookstore. And they have a, like, I'd say a third of the first floor is this reading area where they have,

I don't know, 12 couches, huge, huge. And you just go grab a book off the shelf and they're cool with it and go sit and read. You don't even have to buy it. It's great. And then they're like, how the hell did these places make any money? I, you know what? I think it's supported. I think it's beloved in, I'm guessing this, and they have a, what do you call it? Antiquarian section upstairs where they have, first editions and hand signed old stuff. Have you ever been to Manchester, UK?

I haven't, no. One of the coolest places, and I won't talk about it too much because you haven't been there, but it's called John Ryland's Library. I almost went there in November, but I was just in too many places at the time. If you go, it is one of my favorite places on earth. It's this guy who loved books. It was an industrialist, 1800s, he died and his wife kind of created this, it's like a cathedral and it's meant to be like a cathedral, but to books. And they have the coolest fucking,

they have quiet rooms and stuff and it's beautiful, beautiful, like a church, like an old cathedral. Damn. But filled with all kinds of cool books. I mean, it's great. It's one of my favorite places. I'm gonna check it out.

It's right in the city. I want it to go there. I just, you know, when you do like a Euro trip, my agents just kill me. I had like seven countries in less than two weeks and I was like, you were going- Oh dude, you can't do that. You can't do that.

You know, the problem is they know I'll just say, yeah, what, I don't care. Just I'll do it. No, don't, I'm telling you. I won't do it again. You've had the experience. I won't do it again. I told them on this last tour,

I just got back from Europe like a couple of weeks ago. Where'd you go? Oslo. I love Oslo, dude. Oslo's great. Scandinavia is just the coolest. I was walking around Oslo, this is a couple of weeks ago, a month or change, whatever, walking around Oslo going,

what the fuck am I doing in New York? What am I doing in America? This is insane. That's how I felt going around Copenhagen. I was like, I should just live here for like a month. Oh dude, Copenhagen is awesome. It's sick, yeah. I met a bunch of expats there too. Yeah. Just randomly, I was there for a couple of days. And yeah, I mean, the water's clean. Like the water that surrounds the city.

In Oslo, there were people, you know, they have those like little saunas on the boats, like the teeny boat that's only slightly bigger than the sauna. They're obsessed with that kind of self-care in Scandinavia. I feel like they're obsessed with like hot springs. I don't even know if it's like, it's just nice. It's like a luxury. Oh, it's a luxury, but I feel like they're obsessed with like hot springs. I don't even know if it's like, it's just nice. It's like a luxury. Oh, it's a luxury, but I feel like they're really into like cold plunging in the water.

Yeah, so they do the sauna, then they're in the, they cold plunge in the water. That's clean. It's like pristine. It's in the city. Same with Stockholm. That water is clean. You can drink it. Also, those women in Stockholm, holy shit. Oslo. I, I. Look, here's... I said, by the way, I said that to my black friend the other day and he was like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

And I was like, I don't know. That what, what'd you say? I just said, man, those women in Stockholm, we said, cause they're fucking Aryan. That's why you like them. And I was like, that's more of like a Jew thing, I think. But there's been so many immigrants in the last, and it's kind of an issue with them,

but there's like beautiful, it's like Montreal, where you're like- Yes. The most beautiful mixed race and all kinds of, you know. Yes, nice save, thank you. Exactly. But Oslo is a little less of that than Stockholm, but I remember taking the tram. That's another thing.

Like, so I'm in Stockholm and Oslo and Berlin and Brussels and Copenhagen and all these, you know, great places. Every single motherfucking one of them, every one of them has a train to the airport that is beautiful, clean, takes about seven minutes, goes 200 miles an hour. Yeah. And from the city center, right? Every single one of them has put money into this and it's the most enjoyable thing and everybody's on there and that's how you should go to the airport, right? Yeah. On this train that's clean and nice and-

We have no real option. Nothing. I mean, JFK is a nightmare and then you got like that LaGuardia bus is so depressing. I mean, that's, but all, all over America, there's no real. Well Atlanta has that one, doesn't it? I mean, it's got the MARTA, but that's not the same thing.

That's not good, yeah. It's not, I mean, that also is the regular subway that doesn't have, isn't well, it doesn't serve, you know, it's paying the ass to get. Yeah, I feel like our airports are like third world in America. Like I was at the Denver airport. I was like, this is a piece of shit. Really?

I like the Denver airport. I hate that airport. Why? I hate it. Because it's just, it's just, I also got in a fight with a woman there too, because she like went ahead and it's one of those that like, if it was any other airport, I would have been like, this is fine. But that airport just stresses me out.

It's also huge. It's huge. And they're still, they're doing all that construction on the one of the sides, so it's kind of fucked up. But still, I like Denver. LaGuardia is awesome. LaGuardia is amazing right now. And it used to be a piece of shit.

I know. And LaGuardia is great. The only airports that are bigger that I fucking can't stand are LAX, terrible. The worst ever. JFK. JFK is brutal. Atlanta, I know people like it, I don't like it,

I don't understand why they like it. Yeah, it's awful. It also takes forever. I hate ones that take, this is like just travel. This is probably putting people to sleep with this shit right here. But like, you know, just getting out of Atlanta is a nightmare. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, it's it's poorly designed. I did a tour bus for 50 cities this year. I just don't want to deal with flying. I saw one too many plane issues, you know, air traffic control. Yeah, I know. I was like, oh, yeah, let's shut down. Let's shut down all this. And dude, if I could. I've done a couple tour bus tours and if I could do, if I could afford that, I would happily go back to that.

It was so much nicer. It was good. It was fun. But I just, the second time I've done it and I was like, oh man, I just like not. Cause you know, the first night we did first run, we did a, uh, what do you call a sprinter van at night and the guy just falls asleep at the wheel and drove us off the road. What? I know.

Yeah. It was, we would not have been up if we weren't watching a movie. Holy shit. Yeah. It was like 3.30 in the morning. He just drove us off the road. It was crazy. Where was this?

I think we were driving from Charlotte to Richmond. I think that was a drive. Right. And, uh, you were on the highway then? Yeah. You were on 95? He drove us right off. Wow.

It was crazy. And then Gary Veeder, who I toured with, is hidden and he's like, dude, wake up, wake up. Oh my God. Because of the car fog, sorry. Oh Jesus. So we had to pull over to some rest area

and just wait for another car. You got lucky, man. I got lucky. Wow. Yeah. Wow. We were watching the movie The Substance and we were just like,

I'm just not a body horror guy. I don't like, I don't know why I watch it. I was like, I just don't Wow. Yeah. We were watching the movie The Substance and we were just like, I'm just not a body horror guy. I don't like, I don't know why I watch it. I was like, I just don't really like this. Like I liked the first like 25 minutes or so. And then I was like, yeah, I get it. And then Gary was like, this movie fucking sucks. I was like, yeah, we got to finish it.

We started it. So that's the only reason we were awake. Right. Because we should just finish this. Jesus, man, you guys. Got to write a thank you letter to the substance lady. Yeah. The substance lady?

I haven't seen it. The director. It's a lady? Yeah, well, no, it's Demi Moore. They're letting ladies, who? Demi Moore is the actress, but no, but it was a woman director. They're letting a lady actress direct films?

I was outraged, that's why I finished it, but I was like, I gotta see how this ends. That's, it was crazy. Backwards. I was shocked. But, you know, it didn't work out and I think hopefully this will be it. Well, fingers crossed. Give me more though, very hot in it.

Yeah, I would imagine. Like unbelievably hot. 60 something and naked a lot and you're like, really? Pretty good. Yeah. That's not AI? Could be. Let's get the, let's,

I'll tell you who will know is the old VacuGlide. Let's get that VacuGlide out guys. I got a, I got a flashlight as a gift from, I finished a show and these two guys were hanging out. This is a while ago and they're like, we got a present. People used to bake cookies for entertainers. And I was like, do you want this dick sucking thing?

I think it was relatively new. I'm not sure how long fleshlight's been around, but I had heard of it and they gave um, and they gave me a flashlight. It was like a special fleshlight. I've never tried one still. I've never, was it good? I didn't try it. Uh, I should have.

Because too many gifts to the team. I can't believe I didn't. Wait, this makes no sense. There's no way I would have gotten one. Oh, you know what? Maybe it was when. How do you clean it? Do you put it in the dishwasher?

Like, what do you do? Um, I think you just, you do a hand soft scrub and wool light type thing, and then you hang it on the line outside. And you let nature, you know, you let it air it out. It's a natural- The hand still works for me. I'm good with the hand. I have no complaints. I think I would imagine that it would only be extra special and kind of worth it if you could not, if you didn't have to hold it. Yes. Because then your hands are up here, you know,

and it's a completely- What, have you heard of the Vaky Glide? No hand work, you do this, you put your hands down. I did not know about that. I think it does its own thing. I was, I didn't- That's the glide part. The glide, so it's like,

ring, ring, ring. I think, I would guess. So I wonder if you can tune it to a UK siren, so that it's as the siren's going, ring, ring, ring. Like you're looking at porn you shouldn't be looking at and the cops are showing up. You're like, I'm in trouble.

They're showing up on your dick. That's the thing. That's the special part. I, well, how does the VacuGlide work? I don't know, but I think it's like, I think it just, I read a bunch of user reviews. It's set it and forget it, right? It's like a cross-pot.

Yeah, I think so. It's like Insta-pot. Yeah, no, it's, I think, it's like Insta- just, I read a bunch of user reviews. It's set it and forget it, right? It's like a cross-pot? Yeah, I think so. It's like an Instapot? Yeah, no, it's, I think it's an Instapot. Yeah, it's, I think it's just quick. I've read a bunch of the user reviews. Well, that's probably your own personal experience. I don't know if it's the quickness is, is that the, what they're selling you on?

Efficiency? You'll come in 30 seconds and you'll have the whole data. Or your money back. You'll have the whole data. Or your money back. You'll have the whole data. Yeah, I mean, look, that is sometimes you just wanna like, get it over with. I don't know, I feel like I- Yeah, I remember when I was working on this,

it was some project and it was taking me a long time and it was writing, It was writing this something. And I remember it got to the point where I was like, I'm gonna wake up and I'm just gonna jerk off immediately. So I don't even have that in my head and I'm not getting distracted. And that's how I would start the day. And then I could sit down and write.

I'm not kidding. I don't think it's a bad idea. I think it's like you're clearing out any bad thoughts. Well, it's not even that, for me at least, it wasn't that so much as just, I won't get horny and distracted and be on the internet and see this ad on the right and da da da, and they get to,

like I'm not gonna click on, she did what to who, whatever, and you just jerk off, get rid of it, that kind of thing, and then you just write, you know. Yeah, it's more of a, it's just a distraction. Yeah. Let me eliminate distractions. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, maybe there's a vacu-glide in my future. Maybe you should, I mean, I honestly was. Purim's coming up. Is it? Purim? No, that's a, what's the one in the spring? Uh, Passover.

You don't really celebrate with vacuum glides and Passover, do you? That's more of a Purim thing. Yeah. I feel like in the desert, they just, I wonder how the jerk off situation worked during that 40 years. It probably wasn't great. No, no, cause there was no aloe or lotion.

I talk about this in my standup. I talk about Jesus jerking off as a teenager and how there wasn't a lot of, there was no, you know, lube or glide or lotion or any of that stuff. It was tough times. It's tough. But they didn't know it.

They were happy with what they had. Yeah. Yeah. Is that it? That's okay. What? A lull in the conversation. I love a lull.

I think a lull is real. Yeah. I think people trying to, I think some pods are too obsessed with over talking. I agree and it's one of the, you know, when standups will ask me, like newer kids coming up and stuff and be like, do you have any advice? And I'm not joking, I'm being serious. And you know, the obvious one, which is true is just take whatever set you can

and just do as many sets as you can and record every set. Uh, and then the other one is. Is get a vacu-glide now. Get a, get a vacu-glide now. You know, I know, I know a guy who knows a guy and, and then the other thing is like, do not, don't be scared of silence. And then the other thing is like, do not, don't be scared of silence.

And it's, it's so important. And I watch comics and, uh, and it's just like, dude, just don't worry about it. I was, uh, I was telling this to, um, I hope he doesn't mind me saying this. It was a conversation we had. Do you know Steve Fury? I know the name. Really funny guy, great guy. Really, really, I like him a lot. He's a cool dude. And he was opening for me for a while.

And it was something I taught. It was like, just, it's okay. Just take the beat. You don't have to fill that up. And you see all these comics are good and they're just not comfortable with. But it's over eager, it's like. I get why.

No, totally, but I mean, I think comics going on first, you said he's opening, I think going on first, there's this like need to, yeah. Yes, yes, true, true. Gary Veeder who opens for me is so deadpan, he's so, and he does his own thing too, but he's so quiet that he forces them to come to him. And I love that.

I love- Yes, well, that's part of it. And I love that he forces them to listen. Like I don't love having a super high energy person go on before me because that's not how I am. So it's just gonna, it's gonna be weird. I've had that before. I remember like, I had this guy once just, he was really funny, but it was super high energy.

And then I come up and I talk like this and the crowd's like, does this guy even give a shit? Like, what the hell? I'm like, no, this is how I talk, you know? But yeah, I think the silences are, it's great. I remember seeing Ted Alexandro when I was like super young and he would just kind of sit in a silence in a way. Chappelle would do it too, like all the time

in a way where I was like, oh, that's cool. Cause you, sometimes Chappelle would do it too long. I'd be like, all right, I want to hear the big, you know? But I loved hearing, I love being like, okay, what's he gonna say? Todd is great at that, Todd Barry's great at that. Oh yeah, yeah. It's not even about the energy or anything like that.

You can see depending, a person could be deadpan and still you see that they've, they're learning this bad habit of, you know, filling everything with a, it's like the comics who go say the joke and they go, but um, you know, filling everything with a, it's like the comics who go say the joke and they go, but um, you know, I didn't know, yeah, or but uh, or. Anyway.

Yeah, anyway, or whatever. It's like, it's okay. You don't need the but ums, you know? Yeah, if a joke doesn't hit, it's kinda like, it's kinda good sometimes. You're just like, oh, okay. Like, what, if you kill every time, you're kind of a hack, right? I mean sometimes. You're just like, oh, okay. Like, what if you kill every time, you're kind of a hack, right?

I mean, if you're not changing up enough, you should be going- How dare you? Just say it to my face. I just, you know, I love when some new shit bombs just because I'm like, all right. You know, you want it to hit, but when it bombs, you're like, all right, maybe that's good.

Maybe I need that. Yeah, and it also means like, oh, it's not, it needs work, this idea. Cause sometimes I'll know in the back of my head, like this is kind of a half-assed approach to this idea. And then the audience lets you know, like, yeah, that's a half-assed idea or approach to this idea. And then you gotta work.

I remember I have a thing now that I do that's all, it's all fine, but when I was, I don't know, the first 10 times I did it and I didn't have this place where it went and to me it was like, you know, it's a little offensive, it's a little button pushy, whatever and I was in my head, I was like. You're Hitler, Vaky Glide trunk. Oh, that I think is, I mean, that's, that's clean.

That's, I don't swear. I keep it clean. I mentioned Jesus in a good way. Um, no, this is the thing about slavery and, uh, seriously, and I had this and I was like, fuck it. You know, I don't care,'t care, a little defiant, like it's a good bit and it's a, but it didn't do well.

And sometimes you're like, well, fuck it, I know this is a good bit, but enough times I was like, okay, I need to create a reason why I'm saying this thing I need to create a reason why I'm saying this thing that I think is controversial or whatever. And then I found it eventually, but the silence made me- You mean you realized I didn't earn it? Yeah.

I didn't earn it, like that's what I mean. There's so many, I feel like edgelord comedy is so in right now and a lot of guys like, you didn't earn it. No one's saying you can't talk about anything. Totally with you. But when you hear a lazy ass approach on a delicate topic, that's why it should be hard. And that's why you shouldn't be putting out every,

some comics are, I feel like once Louis started doing an hour like that, you're like once Louis started doing an hour like that, you were like, everyone started doing that. And not everyone was equipped to do that, you know? Few people are. Few people are. And you gotta do the road like a motherfucker and you gotta hone it. And that's the beauty.

Like you're talking about going to, you know, overseas and stuff. I didn't change anything. I liked it. I didn't, you're like, holy shit, at a certain point performing in Amsterdam, it's like performing in Minneapolis, you know? But yeah, but I definitely had some,

I had some jokes that I was like, I'm not earning this. Yeah. I like a Holocaust joke that I was like, it's not funny enough. It's gotta be a, if I'm gonna do this joke, it's gotta be, that was my only thing. I was like, let's do it. Well that's smart and a mature, you know, approach to it.

You know, that's, I don't think a lot of people necessarily have that. Yeah. You know, uh, but that is, it's, it's to, to know that and to feel it. And, and that pushes yourself to go, okay, I've got this thing and it's funny to me, but I'm, as you, as as you said it so articulately I haven't earned it I need to earn it but that's that is a good thing when people are like I remember a tell once was like groans good grown means you're like right close to a laugh and I was like oh shit like he you just see him honing

stuff at the cell I loved I mean for years I was doing like the 1230 1 a.m. spots and like the only good thing about that was watching David Tell Because he would just be just doing crazy shit. Just gotten up Just woken up got have a coffee but he's like, you know every time that you know And then on the early shows you'd see like Colin Quinn working out and he'd have such good topical shit They're like fuck that's that's the right angle on this, you know? But... It's interesting when you get jealous of a bit.

Yeah. You know, when you see somebody that you admire and you're like, oh, fuck, that's the way to do it. It's like, sometimes I'll audition for a part in like a big movie or something prestigious and I won't get it. And I'll be like, I did, and I got called back and I met with, and I didn't get it.

And I'm like, fuck, I thought I did a good job. They thought I did a good job. And then you go see the movie with the person they cast. What's one of those that happened to you? It was, oh fuck, it was, oh, fuck. It was a, uh, Lewis and it was Darth Vader. No, um, it was Philip Seymour Hoffman in a, um, it was a, it was a, it was a, I think a Cohen brothers movie a Coen Brothers movie. Huh.

Or shit. He plays like a assistant, it wasn't Big Lebowski, but he plays like, it was a movie, maybe George Clooney was in it. Oh, okay. I don't remember, but I remember getting close and then. Yeah, well he's like one of the best actors ever.

But this is even before, but then seeing it, and he did it completely different and going like, oh, that's the way to do it. That's a better way to do it, you know? And I've had a couple of those where you don't get it and then you see it and you're like, oh, right. That's the way to do it. That's cool.

You know? But I feel like that with a little bit with comedy, cause you know, there aren't that, when you think about it, that there's not that much subject matter outside of the stuff that, you know, is a personal anecdote that hasn't been talked about. But then you see somebody's spin on it or the joke, you're like, oh shit, that's perfect.

I feel that way, especially with a premise that's played out and I'm like, I hear a premise and I roll my eyes and then the turn, I'm like, oh. That's what I mean, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's this comic, Jeffrey Asmus, who's a really funny, he has. Say his name again? Jeffrey Asmus.

Asmus, yeah. And he has this bit I love where he's like, so everyone's done this bit about like, oh, participation trophies, you know, and you even hear that premise, you're like, oh. But his turn was his grandpa was like, oh, oh trophies, you know, and you even hear that premise, you're like, oh, but his turn was his grandpa was like, oh, oh, you got a participation trophy? And he's like, yeah, grandpa,

you didn't have to compete against black people. Like that, I was like, oh, that's the turn. Like it's amazing when you just hear the same bit again and again, but to me, I was like, oh, you figured it out. So I love that. I love it. I'm almost like, yeah, I get excited

when I see a good comic do a premise that I don't love because I'm like, oh, what's he gonna do with it? Yeah, you know and and and again you get a twist. It's like there you go. That's the way to do That's a perfect way to approach that subject matter in that joke yeah, and I think I'm gonna pat myself on the back going back to the Slavery bit. I think I found it. Like, oh, that's the thing that's gonna still piss people off. But in the thing that the way I do, in part, when I am putting a bit together, like trying to get the turn that you're not expecting. And then there's a bit of logic to it,

even though it makes you feel uncomfortable, but it's like, so I like that, yeah. Yeah, I love the, I love just like the discomfort, man. I love, I mean, that's like what got me in the standup is like, I remember seeing like Chris Rock specials and stuff and just being like, oh shit, he'll just like, he will talk about sitting in discomfort. I like, I love that. You know?

I mean, you could, you did that too. I mean, I remember, I mean, uh, I remember listening to like the Pride is Back, young comic being like, oh shit, this is cool. This is how you do it. Uh, well, yeah, there was- The first time I met you, I told you, oh man, I used to listen to you all the time growing up and you were like, fuck you, you're making me feel old or something. You said something like that.

Oh, I wouldn't say fuck you. You said, fuck you, Jew boy. And I was like, what? That sounds like me. I was like, that's weird. No, I know you were like, oh man, I feel old. And I used to say something like that. Yeah.

Right. Yeah, I wasn't gracious. No, it's a, it's, you know, there are a number of people who have a legitimate, you know, like, you know, cross as an asshole because I just was not comfortable taking a compliment, but I do appreciate it. And especially from, you know, somebody like yourself, who I think is extremely funny and who I like watching. There are that many, what?

I said thank you. What? I said thank you, you fucking Jew. What the fuck is that? Jesus. Cause it's not in standup, but is your identity New York Jewish? Do you feel that?

Do you? Just New York Jew comedian probably. I don't like... Like when you go travel and you... Yeah, you feel more when you travel. I don't really feel it as much. New Yorkers, I'm just a New Yorker. But yeah, when you travel a little bit, I can feel how many Jews are in the crowd by how certain jokes perform.

Like I had this new joke about like how I saw the headlines, I feel how many Jews are in the crowd by how certain jokes perform. Like I had this new joke about like how I saw the headline, there's a rise in antisemitism and I clicked on it and there was a paywall and I was like, no, your audience, you know, and it didn't really, it, it kills in New York, but then someone's I'll take it to like a place. I'm like, Oh, I think that hits harder with Jews. Yeah. The same way that if you do like a black joke, you want black people in the crowd. Yeah.

You want them to be laughing. Otherwise it's weird. It's really weird. It won't work. Like, this joke's not gonna work in Naples, Florida. You hope it doesn't work. Yeah, you hope not, exactly. Otherwise.

Yeah, I can feel that. So, no, I think when, you feel it more in other cities, but then also like, look, everyone's tribal in a weird way. Like, look, I love everyone to some degree. Not me, I'm not. But people will like grab you.

Like, it would be like, I'll get like a DM. Like we have a Jewish deli here. Would you come at, you know what I mean? So. Would you come by for an hour? Would you come by and. And work the machine? Work the slicer.

Would you slice the pastrami? What the fuck? Show us how they do it in New York. Bodega man. But yeah, I love, I love Torin, man. Like I really like, I really do like it a lot. I feel like I have the itch when I'm at home. I'm just like, oh shit.

Oh, I love it. I mean, I'm about done. I've come, I taped the special next week. Where'd you tape? Athens. Nice. At the 40 watt, yeah. Georgia, not Greece. No, I figured. Make sure you clarify that.

I warmed up in Santorini and then I taped in Athens. And have you played the 40 watt? I haven't, no. That's great. And then I'll have a few more sets here and there. But where do you build up? You're going to build up in like in the city and then you take it out.

Or are you the type of person that needs like 45 minutes the tour or will you just hit a club on the road or something and then just be like, I'll work out here. No, no, I, what I've been doing and I'm, I understand how lucky I am to be able to do this. It's what I've done for the past four tours, four sets, you know. I do this thing called shooting the shit, seeing what sticks and I'll go to Union Hall in Brooklyn and I'll do the first I want to say six to eight sets

is just scraps of paper. I tape everything. I have special guests, cause I don't have the material yet. I have a couple of things in my back pocket because when I start the tour, by the time I get to show number 60, it's quite a bit different.

I've riffed, I do all my writing on stage. So then are you opening with stuff that just didn't make the special, right? Yeah, I have that in my back pocket that I know is gonna work and can fit. I mean, I have bits in this current tour that were bits that I cut out of the last thing I dropped. And I have stuff that I've dropped in this tour

that I go, and it's always stuff like, oh, I can work on this, I can add to this, this will be better. The whole thing from my last special about killing Jesus Christ was a line that I riffed in the special before that, that I probably riffed it like five shows before I shot the special. And so I had it, and then I had this little idea and it got a laugh and everything.

But I cut it because I was like, I can work on this. This can be a whole bit. And it was it was my closer and the last and the worst daddy in the world special. And so I have things right that I cut from that and that I can work on. And but so I'll go and do like six, seven, eight of those shows and then I'll move to Littlefield, which is bigger and now I've only got one guest and I'm doing mostly. Either it's one set, let's say it's like 30 minutes.

One set is just working on stuff and the other set is like, okay, I think this is getting there and let's, let's, uh, these are almost ready to go. Yes. And then eventually I get to the point where I'll go to the bell house, you know, and these are all places I can walk to or ride my bike, you know? And. And I'll, and that has, that's when I'm just doing the set and I'll do, you know, two, three of those.

So I started at Union Hall, 99 seats in the basement, couple guests, special guests, uh, and just working, it's raw. And I, and one of the cool things about it, uh, I mean, it really works in a practical, practical sense for me, but also I have fans who will come to three shows and then go see the set when I do it

in the theater in New York, you know? And so I- They like the process. They like the process. Yeah. And they'll come up to me after the thing, you know, it's like, yeah, I saw you work this out at Littlefield, da, da, da, da, it was pretty cool because that one bit you did wasn't anything like that. I was after the thing, you know, it's like, yeah, I saw you work this out at Littlefield, da da da, it was pretty cool,

because that one bit you did wasn't anything like that. I was like, yeah, you know, and it's totally works for me, it's fun. And it's, you know, it takes three to five months, I'd say, before I'm like- That's pretty good. It's pretty good, I mean, but I'll, you know, I'm doing it twice a week, you know.

I'm always curious how people do because I remember Anthony Jeselnik once told me he's like I don't tour until I have like an hour like I don't oh I don't I don't go out Till I have at least now I hour and 25. I'm sorry now we're 15. I'm so the opposite I'll go out with like 30. Oh, and I'll just try to figure it out on the I'd rather what do you want that pressure? Because if I do a bunch of club shows and I bill it as working out, I will just leave with more material. It's the only way I can-

Oh, I see what you're doing. You're doing kind of a similar thing. Similar thing, but like at a club maybe. Yeah, yeah, I get it. And I love that. Cause you know, cause maybe I'll come back to that city at the end of the tour and it'll be totally different. Yeah, exactly.

But no, I'm doing a similar thing to you. Yeah, I like that. And it's, I've never been able to sit down and write jokes. I can't go to the coffee shop. You have some bits that are pretty like, I mean, you must have some where you're like, the line just forms in your brain. You're like, oh, that's it.

But I just have to add to it. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. But then some people, I don't know how the hell, like Jim Jeffries will have like a 25 minute story. I'm like, how the hell do you, I don't even know how you do that. I don't even know how like-

Well, that's also from, I mean, I have, like I have these different bits. And one thing for better or worse, know, sometimes both at the same time I don't I have a thing about exaggeration and lying. I just don't do it if it's a weird Personality thing I have I don't like it bothers me when people and I know they're doing it and they're not even aware It's like oh, yeah. And then, you know, and then we had to walk three miles in the rain. It wasn't three miles, it was a mile and a half. It's still a lot to walk in the rain, but why did you ask? You know what I mean? Like that thing is all weird to me and I don't like it. But the stories that I, I'm kind of lucky because

these are things that happened. The, the high Hitler. I don't know if you know that bit. Which one is it? I was walking down, I was living in the East Village, walking down 4th Street and, and there's a guy who's fairly well dressed. Like he's not a crazy homeless guy. In other words, just immediately. This is late at night and he's,

and he's, you know, just like, okay, great. You know, he's not talking on the phone or anything. Okay, okay well that yeah that makes a lot of sense okay yeah hi Hitler yeah hi Hitler and and and I pass him and I'm like is he saying hi Hitler? So I turn around, I started following him and he was, he was like, yeah, okay, that, yeah, way to go asshole. Yeah, hi Hitler, hi Hitler. And I'm like, oh my God, he's saying hi Hitler, not hi the green. And then I started thinking like, okay, well, there are two possibilities here. And then, so it becomes this whole bit. That is something that I really experienced. And that's... And that's the beauty of New York is that you just walk around. So many things.

It's so much. I have a bit that is at least half an hour long, which is the longest story I've ever told. Yeah. And it's all 100% true. And just happened right shortly before I went to get the tour going. And the thing happened was happening to me.

And the entire time, as fucking crazy and awkward as it was, it was like, I can't wait to tell this on stage. Oh my God, this is gonna be a great bit. That's a good thing. That's like the positive when terrible shit happens, you're like, if I don't get a bit out of this, I suck. Yeah. That's really what I think.

Yeah, I have two crazy stories in my standup that are both true, that are like, I mean, they're all true, but like, I have a story about a vigilante in Cleveland who saved me from an ass whooping. It was a true story. Really? Yeah, it was called, his name was The White Knight. And I never heard from him again,

but it was a crazy story, basically. I was just a young comic, I was probably like, you know, early 20s, at Hilarity's great club, love that club. And yeah, me and this other guy were kind of like battling out for this girl, and the other guy was crazy, and he won because he was crazy. And he kind of- At like a bar or something. Yeah.

And it was, yeah, it was after the show. And basically this guy just came out of nowhere and was like trying to protect me. And I was like, who the fuck is this guy? And he like deemed himself the white knight. He was a crazy person. And the crazy part of it is- People knew him.

He's like a town character guy or- Some people in Cleveland were like, that guy's real. He's like a crazy guy. I don't think he does it anymore. He's probably like retired because he was telling me stories about things. Retired? I think he, well, I mean,

he wasn't like a full-time superhero. He must had a day job, you know? But, you know, but he, yeah, he told me he got stabbed once and I was like, this guy's fucking insane. But yeah. How do you know you were gonna get an ass whooping? Cause the guy was like, he was like, I'm gonna fuck you up.

And I was just like, it's not worth it. I was like, the guy was clearly crazy. He'd missing a couple of teeth. I was like, he's fucking nuts. Like he's clearly a scrapper. I'm not. I'm not gonna fight. You're a New York Jew.

I'm a New York Jew. I'll take the L here. But then yeah, the guy, he emailed me later, the white knight guy. Oh no, he emailed me and then I emailed him back and it just, the email was gone. So he like really fancied himself as a superhero. White knight at gmail.com.

White knight. But then years later, the guy who tried to fight me somehow got my number and texted me like, I saw the bit, it's great. And I was like you're the guy who's threading the fucking I thought you're gonna stab me. You're welcome. He probably does feel like I gave you that. Yeah where's my cut? Wow. Yeah so that and I had another story that like I'm closing on now on the road this story about this magician from Virginia Beach I just had a crazy night. Hey stop right there

magician from Virginia Beach. Just a crazy night crazy night with him. Hey, stop right there, magician from Virginia Beach. Just a crazy night with this guy. But yeah, they're true stories, cause they're, you know. Ironically, neither one of those takes place in New York. But. I know.

The, I am 100% with you. But that's when you give yourself to a crazy night, is like when I'm, especially when I was younger on the road, I'll be like, let's just see where it goes. Oh fuck yeah yeah I'm very much not anymore but I I mean that was half of my life was you know I would do whatever you put in front of me I'd go wherever I got in some very dangerous situations but you know unscathed. You told me you told the story on our podcast

about the crystal meth. I was blown away, man. Which one was that? Oh, you smoke crack or something? Oh, the crack? The crack, that's what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was in Camden in London. Yeah, I remember hearing that.

Oh, that was crazy. Like, holy shit, I didn't know David Cross smoked crack. I would do- You do not seem like a crack guy. I'm, well that's- You seem like a guy who chops wood in the woods. On crack. Yeah, on crack.

How do you think I can get it done in an hour? Well, a whole winter's worth of cordwood. No, I mean, I don't really do that anymore, but I had- What do you mean don't really? Either do it or you don't. Fair point, fair point. I'm a casual crack guy. No, I don't.

Crack is the one drug that I've done once. I think I told you that. Yeah, no, it's amazing. It was the one, I don't, crack is the one drug that I've done once. I think I told you that. Yeah, no, it's amazing. It was the one where I was like, cause I'm pretty, I have a pretty good willpower. And it was the one drug where I was like, I am susceptible to this for sure. And I've always been an upper guy rather than a downer guy

or like pills never did it for me, heroin no, oxy no, and I was always a crystal, you know, coke crack type of, you know, energy up and. I've never done coke in my life. I can't believe. I mean, now it's just garbage. It's too dangerous. It's way too dangerous. You can't do it anymore. And. I mean, now it's just garbage. It's too dangerous. It's way too dangerous.

Yeah. You can't do it anymore. And it's just so, it's just garbage now. But, you know, again, I sound like an old guy. Oh, back in my day. You're gonna get good jokes. No, but I, yeah, I like, the stuff I like is like downers, usually like alcohol, muscle relaxer,

have a cocktail with it. Yeah, that's why my wife's more of that speed and I love. I drug myself like a real housewife though, honestly. I'm just like, I'll take a bath, I'll fucking, I'll pop a pill. Yeah, well, there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. I mean, you get the VacuGlide out

and that's your true friend. Yes. And you can talk to VacuGlide. Yeah. You know? Wait till they get a personality, dude, it's over. But, well, what are you gonna hear just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's a terrible joke.

Maybe, I kinda like that. Yeah, I'm not. Take it back. It wasn't bad, it wasn't bad. Fuck, what was I gonna say? Oh, yeah, that was the one thing where I was like, I, it's so, and you get, I got it immediately. Yeah.

Because it, you, I was in the dump, if I, I have a picture in my head obviously, but if somebody showed me like, oh, I have a picture where you hung out and you crack on it and these are the people he did it with, I mean, it's, it's crack den. Yeah. It's basically, I would look at it and go, oh my God.

That's what you want to do crack, what are you gonna do, crack in the four seasons? You know? Yes. What a den. Yes, I want to do That's where you want to do crack. What are you gonna do, crack in the four seasons? You know? Yes. You want a den. Yes. I want to do crack the four seasons. That mini bar. Yeah, that was the one where I was like, and I think I probably brought this up too,

but I had made a promise with myself that if I ever couldn't do a show because I was too fucked up or too, you know, partying too much, then I have to stop. And I don't wanna stop. Yeah. And- And you became the greatest crack comedian of all time.

I found a way to marry both things. And I stopped and I was doing a month at the Soho Theater in London. And there's that thought in your head like, who cares? I'll just cancel the show and I'll stay here with these fucking awful people. And just that thought was like, I have to get out of here. Cause we were about to get more. And we had gotten more throughout the night. And it was now like the sun was up and, you know,

I had a show to do that night and I was able to do it. Yeah. But that was the one where it was like, uh-uh. I'm getting, I'm getting a little old to be drinking it, but I went out last on Saturday and I drank a shit load. And it was one of those nights where I was like, oh, I can't do this. Like I used to.

How old are you? I'm 38, but like it's Sam. I know you hate hearing this, but I'm telling you, I drank a lot. And it was one of those like next mornings where I was like, oh, I'm canceling plans. You know, I had to go to Brooklyn to see family and I was so angry the whole,

I normally would take the train, but there was like delays, and I was like, all right, I'll cab it. I'm like trying not to puke at the window, and I'm like, oh, I'm that uncle now. Yeah. You don't wanna be drunk uncle. Yeah, yeah, that I get for sure,

but if you know you have stuff, family obligations, baby, don't go so hard, but. Yeah, I looked at it like you're showing me, I'm just fucking, I'll just cancel this. I'll just cancel the family stuff. Well, you can do that too. You could. You know. You could.

It's family. I tell them, I'm just too drunk. You're just smoking crack, it's just family. Who cares, fuck them. No, but I still have the urge to follow a story. I still, I do, if it got, I'm like, oh, this could lead to something funny. I can't resist it.

I mean, it's been a fun life. If nothing, if it ends today, I've, I mean, I have so many stories that I haven't even shared with people either on stage or, but that were basically, well, let's see what happens. And some of you don't realize it's a good story till like two years later. Yeah.

And you're like, holy shit, that was crazy that I did that. I have a bunch of them and they're all, you know, it's usually luck and danger and excitement uh, luck and danger and excitement and drugs and alcohol and a woman. And there's some, some sort of combination in life, some combination of those things. Yeah. Because you look back and you're like, that was cinematic.

Like I love the movie after hours cause shit just keeps going wrong. And I just, I'm like, oh, that's, I think I romanticize a fucked up night in New York City because of that. But yeah, no, I will follow a woman through like some weird underbelly in New York. I'm like, let's see where the fuck this goes. And it's gonna go sideways.

What's the Ted Demme film, Jonathan Demme film? Something Wild. Something Wild. That's a great one dude film, Jonathan Demme film? Something Wild. Something Wild. That's a great one dude. I love that movie. It just starts here and then like halfway through the movie. It starts, I love, what I love about that movie is it starts off like this kind of goofy thing

and then about two thirds of the way in you're like, oh shit. I know. Oh fuck. Dude, there's probably the best Ray Liotta's ever been. He's so good in that movie. I love him in that. That's a really underrated movie. I love him in that.

That's a really underrated movie. Is it underrated? I feel like no one knows. I feel like everyone I bring it up to is like, what? Oh, okay. Yeah, it's very New York specific. After Hours is another great example. I just love movies like that where you're like, I don't know where the hell this is going.

Yeah. And it's played kind of in real time. There's a little, it's like, not, obviously not two hours, but it's, it's over the course of not a long time at all. And there's not a lot of, you know, there's no pressure release. You're just, it gets worse and worse and like, no shit, what am I doing in New Jersey? And what am I doing here? Oh fuck, how do I get out of here? It starts out like a fantasy,

and then it's like, fuck you, this is life. Yeah. I love that it starts out like, this is- It's goofy. I'm following the woman, this is great. And then out of nowhere, I might die. And also, but what's so great about it is the casting of, it's Melanie Griffith, right?

Yeah. And she is just the perfect kind of, especially in that era of artsy, ditzy, independent, but very New York tough. And hot. And hot, and of course you're gonna follow her, and of course you're- Gonna fall for her. Yeah hot and of course you're gonna follow her and of course you're, you know. Gonna fall for her.

Yeah and then she's maybe not all she cracks up to be and then who's her ex-boyfriend and what's going on here? You know what is a really good little fun fact trivia thing? The band who's playing the band at the high school reunion is the Feelies. No shit. Yeah. I don't even know who they are, but they sound great.

They were like an indie, you know, New Wavey indie, that era. I'm gonna look up the Feelies after this. Oh, they're good, yeah. But I guess, you know, Jonathan Demme knew him and got him to play the band. That's such a, yeah, that's such a, I feel like that movie's not,

I feel like not enough people have seen that movie. All right, Sam, I, first of all, thank you so much. That was fun talking with you. It was an absolute pleasure. We've never talked this long, this is cool. No, well, we haven't. But this is a pleasure, and I really do love your standup. Thank you, man.

Brilliant. I have every Mr. Show DVD. All right. I really do love your standup. I think you're brilliant. I have every Mr. Show DVD. So I end every episode with a question from my daughter. Cool. So Sam, this is yours. I know, and I'm not gonna editorialize, you can answer this in any way you see fit. Oh, I know why she asked this, okay.

I remember now. Okay. Oh, do you have anything to plug? Yeah, I got Carnegie Hall December 4th, I got Chicago Theater in October. Wait, back up. You're playing Carnegie Hall in December 4th? Yeah, yeah.

That's awesome. Yeah, I'm pumped. I never played it, I'm excited. Oh, that's great, man, congratulations. That's awesome. Yeah, I'm pumped. I've never played it. It's gonna be, I'm excited. Oh, that's great, man. Congratulations. Thanks. I'm in Red Bank, Count Basie, I think in July. Yeah, October, the Wilbur, Chicago Theater.

A lot of fun stuff coming out. Yeah, yeah, that's great. Yeah, it's just samorail.com. There you go. I'm fired up the fucking Carnegie Hall. Yeah, that's a notch on your a, a notch on your belt. It's a good one. Do you have a belt?

I don't, I never wear belts really. I gotta get back. Okay, well get a belt and put a notch. I'm gonna get a fucking belt, dude. I'm gonna put it around my neck and use that vacu-glide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little autorotic asphyxiation. Okay, Sam, this is a question from my eight-year-old daughter.

Do race cars always have batteries? Ooh. Um, I think gas? Yeah, but they must have a battery too, right? I don't watch racing. I don't know. I've never seen, I know Formula One is like in right now, I don't know anything about it.

I'm not jumping in at all. You're not jumping in? No. I'm gonna say yes, they do have batteries. They always have batteries. They should, yeah. Okay. I barely have a driver's license, David.

I can't really drive. Cause you're from New York. I'm worthless, I'm worthless. I've always been a little fascinated with people who grew up in very specific areas. Like New York City is like, that's so cool. But also these other things that you didn't get to do. And, but all these things that you did get to do and what kind of person, you know, does that create and, you know, Yeah. I know I have someone who can't drive well.

Not that great. Yeah. I have a license, but it was like, I suck. Okay. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's not hard. You'll pick it up. I can do, I have a license, but I'm just bad at it.

And what does that mean? You're just getting in accidents or? Yeah, yeah, I remember I was dating a girl once, she's like, just take my car and just pick me up in Queens. I was like, okay. And I drove there and I crashed. I just crashed the car. I was like, I don't fucking know it, I'm not good at this.

She didn't notice, it was like, there was scratch, it was not bad, so she didn't notice. Did'm not good at this. What? She didn't notice it. Like there was scratch was not bad. So she didn't notice. Did you side swipe a car? I side swiped. So it's about spatial kind of. I guess. I'm just not good at it.

I'm fucking, I passed the driver's test by like apologizing. I had failed twice already. And then the third time I was like, please don't fail me. I'm not good at this. And she laughed. I was like, oh, all right. And she, and I sucked and she passed me. She was like, yeah, you're fine. Oh, it's on that woman. It's on her. Yeah. I shouldn not good at this. And she laughed, I was like, oh, all right. And I sucked and she passed me.

She was like, yeah, you're fine. Oh, it's on that woman. It's on her. I shouldn't have a license. There's blood on her hands. Yeah. Whatever hit runs you've been a part of. Not, that's why I don't drive.

I don't wanna. Because you'll kill people. I'll kill people. Yeah. I will. All right, Sam, thank you again for coming down sammurl.com. Carnegie Hall, that's nice.

Chicago Theater, that's a big. That's one of the best. Yeah, that's a big one. Okay, man, thank you. Thanks, dude. And thank you for the whiskey. Yeah, no problem. Yeah, nice.

Sense is Working Over Time is a headgum podcast created and hosted by me, David Cross. The show is edited by Katie Skelton and engineered by Nicole Lyons with supervising producer Emma Foley. Thanks to Demi Druchen for our show art and Mark Rivers for our theme song. For more podcasts by Headgum, visit Headgum.com or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Leave us a review on Apple podcasts and maybe we'll read it on a future episode. I'm not gonna do that. Thanks for listening.