Senses Working Overtime with David Cross - Stephen Colbert

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

Stephen Colbert (The Late Show with Stephen Colbert) joins David to talk about the age of Aquarius, lucky pennies, and more. Catch all new episodes every Thursday. Watch video episodes here.Guest: Stephen ColbertSubscribe and Rate Senses Working Overtime on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review to read on a future episode!Follow David on Instagram and Twitter.Follow the show:Instagram: @sensesworkingovertimepodTikTok: @swopodEditor: Kati SkeltonEngineer: Chris OsbornExecutive Producer: Emma FoleyAdvertise on Senses Working Overtime via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I sit there yes you can carry yes either of these really okay great if you insist oh being here I mean I came all the way I don't insist you want me to go I mean, I came all the way. I don't insist. You want me to go? I mean, if you'll, no, you need your mommy here. No, he doesn't. Well, if you need your son here, I guess. That's how this works. Whatever you want to. Yeah, I can leave. I'm on your show.

Whatever you want to do. Would you like her to listen out there? No, it's, you're fine. I've had a couple people in here who I don't know, and I go, they're're like you know I mean it does air not air but it streams on you can see it we're good you can stay we put these on no I don't you can if you'd like. No, I'm not gonna be. Well, it's about comfort and style.

Chris, this seems a little low to me. Is this... Too low? Not too low, but is it okay for you? Just to see. Also, it's kind of warm in here. Whoa! Whoa, why is it?

Thanks for coming down. I think it's... Or across, right? You're in Jersey. No, down. Down. Down from...'re in Jersey. No, down. Down. Down from 53rd Street. I have a show today. You have a show.

I have a show today. I was just, I was Googling. I try not to know anything about the guests when they come in. Yeah. And I have a show. You have a show on late night television. Yeah.

Like all time television. People mostly watch it on YouTube, but yeah. Yeah. But it is like, it's the kind of thing. This is- How's this? Is this good? That's-

I don't have my headphones on for a second. That looks like it's perfect. This is- Is that comfortable? I did it myself. I don't have a production company. Hey, what's up? And you produce-

After midnight. OK. It doesn't- I don't know what your work hours are, And you produce... After midnight. Okay. It doesn't... I don't know what your work hours are, but you produce... Ahhhh! Too far? Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

Ahhhh! You moved the table in! No, no, this is good right here. No, seriously. This is good right here. We're good. Okay. We're good.

Um... But you produce... We produce a show four nights a week produce Lord of the Rings pinball machines. Well, that's kind of for fun. Yeah. Yeah. I do two things on the weekends. I refurbish old Lord of the Rings.

I like to say I make them. I repaint them. But I also erase dirt some race dirt track. You like BMX? No, I have rebuilt Shelby Cobra. And we just we race a couple of us race on old muscle cars on the weekends. Oh, no shit. Yeah. Oh, Oh, stuff like that.

Okay, you don't have to be a dick about it. But is it okay if I'm lying about all of that? Yeah, sure. GTO stands for general trade- Get the out. Get the out. It sounds like they missed a letter. It was German. You always put the-

Oh. He killed himself. He jumped the building off. I see. It's always, that's how Germans do it. So that's where they got the inspiration for Yoda? Please tell me we're rolling on all of this. Yeah, yeah.

I never roll- This all of this. Yeah, yeah, I never roll. Full magic. Yeah. Now Stephen, we've never. Oh, that's hot. Oh. I'm sorry, that's so hot. Did you want a cold?

No, I just think it was hotter than I thought it would be. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Please, I'm sorry, go ahead. Chris? Action. Okay. Action. And stay seated. Wait a second.

I'm taking this off. Is it too hot? Yeah, it is really hot. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I think the AC is just on the fritz. Oh, it is. Not spring yet.

So there's no reason there should be AC. I say spring has sprung. It was a beautiful day today. Walking, I took, you know, the water was so cold. I was like, I'm going to go get some water. I'm going to go get some water. I'm going to go get some water. I'm going to go get some water. I'm going to go get some water. I'm going to go get some water. I'm going to go not spring yet. So there's no reason there should be.

I say spring has sprung. It was a beautiful day today. Walking, I took, you know, the way I get here is the subway to Union Square, the farmers markets out there. And it was- Is the farmers market happening right now? Yeah, in fact, I don't know where my bag is, but it's got a dozen eggs in there.

Farm fresh, some with little feathers on them. No. Yeah. Really? Yes. They don, some with little feathers on them. No. Yeah. Really? Yes. They don't even take the feathers off? They put them on. They glue them right on. It's like a craft project. No, but it came right from the pen's vagina.

The old cloaca. Yeah. Cloaca, yes. Thank you. I just, wait, where did I just learn that? Wait, cloaca is this, isn't it? It's a beautiful name if I ever had a daughter. Have you thought about adopting just for the name? Just for the name, yeah. Also, I want to name a child, Chlorine. Chlorine.

I thought that would be a beautiful girl's name, Chlorine. For some reason, my daughter, we got two fish. I got a couple years ago for her birthday, she said she wanted fish, and I thought, oh, this is a great way to teach her responsibility. You know? Teach her about death. We, I got that covered. she wanted fish and I thought, oh, this is a great way to teach her responsibility, you know. Teach her about death. I got that covered.

That's all done. I take her to the, for her birthday, I take her to the Holocaust Museum every year. And Like just like slices of pizza on a plastic tablecloth and then back out, back out to the ball pit? No, I don't, I'm not in there with her. I just put her in. I say let her out in three hours, let her figure this stuff out.

It's a good way because she's sort of, you know, I've been doing it for a while and I- How old is she now? She's eight. She just turned eight a couple weeks ago. So I took her to the Apartheid Museum in Johannesburg, which is rough. And you finish every family trip by saying, and now why do bad things happen to good people? Yeah. And then I flip a coin like that. And then you go, the stars blindly run. And then I do her tarot, I read her tarot.

That's dangerous, getting involved in tarot. Is it? Yes. Are you saying that from like a Christian-based philosophy? I'm saying that as a human. Why is it dangerous to get into tarot? Tarot is very powerful. Oh, you're saying if you don't harness the power, it could, you can't, a mortal can't,

I don't know, I'm not sure. You can't harness the power of tarot because what's powerful about tarot is the images are archetypal images. And you will respond to them. They're meaningless in terms of like predicting the future or what kind of person you are. It has no connection at all. No, that's not true. Worse than astrology.

But the thing is, is that it- Wait, you don't like astrology either? I don't dislike astrology, just that it has no meaning. But- Wow. But the images in the tarot card are so powerful that I never want my tarot cast because I'll invest it with meaning.

Do you know what I mean? I won't have any power to prevent that. Well, I think that's the entire point of it. No, no, no, people believe it has meaning. And that meaning- But if you invest it with meaning, then it has meaning. No, it's external to you.

It has meaning external to you. And you're to interpret it and see what that meaning has to do with your life. When in fact, you're investing all the meaning in there yourself. And you can be – you can sort of be trapped by the power of these images when in fact they have nothing to do with your life.

You mean if you're susceptible and or gullible? I don't even know about that. I'm pretty skeptical about the whole thing but – Susceptible. And skeptical. That was the name of your comedy team, right? Susceptible and skeptical? Yeah. Yeah. Wait, but if you are – It was actually contents under pressure. That was the name of your comedy team, right? Susceptible and skeptical? Yeah. Yeah. Wait, but if you are-

It was actually Contents Under Pressure. That was the name of mine. Was it really? Third Rail. Third Rail Comedy in Chicago. That was- I like it. I like it. Actually, do you want to really know the name of my improv group when I was in Chicago? I think Contents Under Pressure is pretty good. There was Contents Under Pressure and also Third Rail was actually another real one. The No Fun Mud Piranhas. The No Fun Mud Piranhas.

That's a terrible name. It was. But when we were forming the group, we were so enamored with the Yes And that- Oh, boy. Now, that's more dangerous than tarot. I think yes and will send you down a really bad track. No, it's dangerous. Saying yes to things will get you in a lot of trouble. It's adventurous to say yes. Improv, especially if you get into it young and if you're a lost person, which I certainly was, it turns into a philosophy. It turns into an entire worldview. Well, that's the knock on it. That's part of the knock on the whole improv work.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because you started playing it in every aspect of your life. And then that's chaos. Yeah. Fruitful chaos. A lot comes of it. Well, there's a movie called Yes, where Jim Carrey spent a month,

I believe, not saying no. That philosophy. Is it a documentary? Yeah, it's like a bio, like a, what do you call it when it's like half doc, it's a, the guy did Touching the Void where there's dramatized doc. A drama, drama doctory? A drama doctory, yeah. No, that's a two humped camel.

That's an elephant. That's a two humped camel with a drama doctor, yeah. No, that's a two-humped camel. That's an elephant. That's a two-humped camel with a drama doctor. It's like touching the void or where the- It's a dramatization. But with a doc. It's a doc. But it's got some scenes that are acted. Yeah, because they didn't have cameras, you know, at the-

So part of it's true and part of it's lying is what you're saying because- All film is lie. Godard told us that. Every edit is a lie. Isn't that what Godard said to you? That's what he said to me, yeah. And then he said, extra mayo please if that's okay. You know, I've been thinking about French filmmakers this weekend because I saw-

Oh, right. It's March. Yeah. It's French filmmaker month. Yeah. Yeah. Used to be women's history month and they switched it over to French filmmakers. Yeah. That'll go too. I saw the conversation with Hackman. Gene Hackman, we just found out died in a very upsetting way. Spoiler alert. Yes. You're going to send this podcast into the past? Is this being injected via wormhole to a period of time when he was still alive?

People might not know and people might be- Everyone knows that Gene Hackman's dead. I don't- It's a really, come on. I don't know about that. I bet I could call my little sister. How old is she? Well, 50 something. Can you call her right now? I could call my little sister. How old is she? Well, 50 something.

Can you call her right now? I'll call her. Call her right now and say, just say, is there anything you know about Gene Hackman in the news? I will call right now. I will call. How can we do this in a way that won't give away that he's dead? She'll either know it or not.

Do you know anything about Jean Hackman? What do you know about Jean Hackman right now? Maybe how about that way? Anyway. She's, I mean, I never call her. How long has it been since you've called her? Oh, I mean, maybe there's a thing on here. Wait, that's WhatsApp.

Oh no, here we go. All right. I'll put it on speaker. Is this like months since you've talked to her? Yeah. I'm glad I could facilitate this. Hey, Julie. Real quick, I'm doing this podcast or recording it now

And just I'm gonna put this as simply as possible. What do you know about Gene Hackman the actor? Oh Not very much Okay, any known news or anything? Well, I mean, I know what they found him and his wife and his pet, you know, all day. All right. This conversation's over. I accept your apology. All right. So I've been thinking about Gene Hackman. A lot of people have been watching, you know, Gene Hackman movies. His beloved actor has passed in unusual circumstances. So I watched the conversation this weekend, which I'd never seen. I thought I'd seen it because I'd seen so many clips. But I watched the conversation. You ever seen it? I have, yes.

It's incredibly anxiety inducing. Yes, yeah. And very sad. Very brilliant. But I kept on thinking like, oh, I think this is an influence of Truffaut and Godard and people like that. I'm feeling that in Coppola's work in that. It seems French. It was an influence on, on? No, he was influenced by the French New York. Oh, probably, yeah. I think, well, they all had a big love of Truffaut, you know, that whole Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola.

There are a couple others in that group. that whole Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola. There were a couple others in that group. Farrelly Brothers, who else was hanging out in the- Larry, Larry Flint. Larry Flint and Larry the Cable Guy were all influenced by Truffaut, yeah. Fart. And you know, Truffaut was in Close Encounters.

Yes. As in like a... He played the Devil's Tower. He played the Devil's Tower, that's right. Yeah. In the mashed potato version. That was... Not the actual...

He's not that tall. No, no. He's smaller. That was actually Truffaut's head underneath all those mashed potatoes with the chadrachis. It's kind of like how they did it when they first said alien. The alien, same thing, yeah. And alien was influenced by cock toe. Can you say cock toe?

Do you want to bleep out the toe part? Sure. Okay. Because it means something different in French. What is, and Colbert in French is, the translation is? It actually means renowned mariner. But it doesn't mean that because I'm not French. That's all a lie. Why do you keep subverting these little- But it's true. It's not, what else have I subverted, friend? Oh, you were like, oh, that's a lie. The GTO thing, the dirt thing.

I love lying. What else have I subverted, friend? Oh, you were like, oh, that's a lie. The GTO thing, the dirt thing. Is it OK to lie? I love lying. Well, lie, but just don't go, oh, that was a lie. No, but the Colbert thing is kind of a true lie, is because we thought that the family name was pronounced Colbert. OK.

Because the story was that we, the family back in Illinois in Southern Illinois, back in Alton, said that they were French. Why would they say that they were French? They were like dirt poor farmers who were horse thieves and stuff like that. They had a rough life. Why would it even matter to them that they were French? And so I said, well, it must be French. It turns out I'm 100% Irish and it's Colbert. Colbert? Colbert, they would say, Col, like Colbert. So in like Gaelic, what would that? I have the slightest idea.

Yeah, okay. I speak American, but Gaelic is actually Scottish. Irish people speak Irish. Oh, am I thinking of Celtic? No. I thought Gaelic was Irish. A lot of people do that, but Gaelic is Scottish. And are the Irish aware of this?

Because they might be. We're trying to figure out how to break it to them. OK, that'd be awkward. There's so many, they've already printed up the – The money. Yeah. They've printed up all the tourist stuff saying, hey, it's all Gaelic. It's Irish. So, I'm – unless this is another one of your lies, I've just learned something.

I'm not actually French. But now I'm stuck with the pronunciation. Not that part. Not that part. That Gaelic is Scottish not Irish. Oh, that's more interesting to you than me. That's more interesting to you than me. That's more interesting to me. I didn't qualify it on a level of what's interesting to me.

All right. I do, because I have tried to tell this story on your show, whenever I've done your show and I've done it a bunch. And I prevent you from telling the story? No, no, no. We just never get to it. It's one of those things I'm sure you've experienced where. I will point out to the audience, if you go watch the interviews that I've done with David Ode my show, they're very much like this.

Yes. There is a plan and it is never achieved. People really believed that I got mad and left. That's good. Oh, it's great. I can't believe people are that, like you thought that was, I really got upset by whatever that dumb thing was that I I don't remember.

And I didn't, you know, clear it with you or anything. I just did it and you went with it. Yeah. But I would love a guest to really get up and leave. That'd be pretty. I've come close to people getting a taking off the mic and walking away. Really? Never actually have.

Like who? Who was who's the who's the DC rep? She was the DC rep for years. Three names, Congresswoman, ton of fun. She was the rep for DC, like the non-voting rep for DC. Yeah, yeah. She, she got so mad at my character that she was, wanted to take off the mic, walk away in an interview I was doing with her. And my producers, my crew went, no, no, no, please sit down. And after it was over, I said, don't ever, ever get someone to stay. Please never do that again.

All I want is what their real reaction is. And so, and then also Senator Bob Carey got really mad at me because it was pretty early on in the old show and he arrived late so I didn't have a chance to tell him like, hey, I'm doing this in character and he's an idiot. These were like the pre-taped interviews? No, this one pre-taped was- The woman, the rhythm.

It was the woman, yeah. And then Bob Carey was in front of the audience, it was live. And he got some, he was on the 9-11 commission and I questioned some aspect of the finding of the 9-11 commission, some conspiracy theory I have in my head, which would be completely acceptable now in the polite company. His head snapped around on a swivel.

Jet fuel can't melt steel. Very much like that. You have to say it like that though. Yeah, exactly. His head snapped around and he goes, what the hell are you talking about? But I was in character and I couldn't explain to him what I was talking about. I never got a chance to explain what I'm talking about because he was so mad that the minute the camera cut, he took off his mic, threw it on the table and walked out.

Wow. So I was like, oh, hopefully someday he'll figure out that I was just kidding. Did, do they not keep a camera rolling that they could show him leaving or is that like, no? No, I don't, I mean, not then. Cameras never stop rolling now. Right.

On this show. Yeah. Because sometimes something great will happen in the commercial break. And I'll say, can we just slip that into the interview? I'll tell the guy, I won't say like, or whoever the guest is, I won't say, I won't trick them.

But I'll go like, hey, that was really special. I'm sure we can find a way for that just to fit into the interview. And mostly they go, yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Going way back to what I was starting to say, I've always wanted to tell this story. I stopped you from telling it again.

No, no, no, no, no. No, but it really seems like I'm the problem here. No, because you do these pre-interviews and it's like a half hour, 40 minutes, you're talking to the producer, the talent produce coordinator. And you tell these stories and the thing, something, an anecdote about what you're promoting

or blah, blah, blah. And I've always, and I've done your show like, I don't know, 11 times, something like crazy. Many times. Many times. And I've always wanted to tell this, but you just don't get to it because then they'll call you back like a couple days later

and go, hey, so we ran everything and Steven really wants you to mention this and this and this and this. I'm like, okay. They're lying to you by the way. I don't know about your pre-interview until minutes before I go to rehearsal. Steven really liked this. He wants you to bring up the thing about you broke your foot. Yeah. Well, sure. He He wants you to bring up the thing about, uh, uh, you broke your foot. Yeah. Well, sure. He wants you to bring 20 bucks. He wants you to do your magic.

He wants you to buy my daughter's Girl Scout cookies. And so I've, you know, this story is, I've always intended to, uh, tell it, but, um, and now that I'm saying this, I realize it's a visual, uh, so you might have to, yeah, you might have to go to the YouTube thing. But it's one of my favorite Stephen Colbert memories. I have two. I have two early, early, early ones. But you never get to it because you're just fucking around

and you barely even get to promote the thing you're there for, at least in my case, because we're all just having a good time. So we, this is a long time. I think this is before, I'm pretty sure it was before Colbert Report too. I have a feeling why you never get to the story because this fucking ramp up is killing me. Oh my God, you're edging me.

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money. Ready to help your kids learn the value of money? Just head to acornsearly.com slash senses or download the Acorns Early app to get started. Sign up now and your first month is on us. TNC's apply monthly subscription fees starting from $5 per month and less canceled. Ready to help your kids learn the value of money? Just head to acornsearly.com or download the Acorns Early app to get started. Sign up now and your first month is on us. No, it was I'm trying to remember the temperature. It was about 62, 63 degrees. No, partly cloudy. No, sorry, because I was wearing, oh, which flannel was it?

Because I have different degrees, some are lighter, some are. You used to wear a lot of flannel, man. Look at this. I mean, this is a heavy one. Oh, you still do the flannel. I still do. It's comfortable.

It's practical. Alt-comedy. Alt-comedy. Yeah, that's true. You know, you guys are straight out of, you were all in Seattle, right? Yes, all of us. So you originally were a roadie for Nirvana, and then you said, what if I did comedy?

Yeah, and I kept the cargo shorts and the long beard. And so, all right, we were at Frank's on Second Avenue. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Frank's is great. Okay. Sure, sure. Was it you, me, Danello, Sideris, Dave Pasquese? No, it was just you and me. No, you and I went to dinner alone?

Yeah. You and I did something together? Yeah, yeah, we went. What precipitated that? When did we know each other well enough to go to dinner together? I'm gonna guess, Exit 57. Yeah, I guess so. Or Carvey.

Oh, well, Carvey is where I first – Because you briefly were on Carvey. Yes. That was before Mr. Show took off. Yeah. It was – Bob had somehow convinced Smigel to hire me for a couple weeks. We both came out for like two weeks. Yep.

And that was the other thing because I had just met you there and you're a very nice guy and you're very affable and pleasant. And you were suspicious of that. No, no. We hit it off. You're very nice. There were some other people that I wouldn't say were mean or anything, but just not as- Just say Dino Stamatopoulos.

Well, Dino I know for way back, But people that weren't quite as approachable or engaging or whatever. But I remember I was like, we were writing some kind of thing and it was about a news. It was something where you were reading the news and then you riffed. You like read the news story, you went, true story. That made me laugh so hard. I remember that. It was like a very straight news story about like the governor today came out to survey the damage from the mudslide that happened in Greenville, South Carolina today. 54 people had lost their homes and almost $2.4 billion in damages.

True story. Yeah. The little papers. True story. Yeah. True story. We couldn't make it work in the show though. Maybe we'll have so on. None of that new stuff ever made it into any of the shows. We had another one, which was the gentle news. Do you remember that? No.

The gentle news was I'd be saying something terrible. I'd be reporting some horrible thing, but I'd be holding up, I'd have like a pair, like I'd have a little like budgie on my shoulder or I had the little puppy and we had rubbed hot dogs on my chin so the puppy would lick my face while I was telling you about like

the authorities are going through the dental records to identify the bodies or whatever like that, but a puppy is looking at my face at the same time. I like that. I like the idea. Then we also, I didn't realize it, but I met Ben Carlin who ended up being the exec of The Daily Show. The Daily Show, yes. The Daily Show years after that because when I first arrived in New York, I got hired on a Friday and had to start working on like Sunday night for, for Smigel for as the, who

was the exec on Carvey. And like the first day in my office, me and Carell shared an office and he came in with a giant stack of this, this like little newspaper I'd never seen before called The Onion. Cause this is 96 and I just wasn't hip enough to seen before called The Onion, because this is 96. And I just wasn't hip enough to have known about The Onion. And he plops it, boom, down on my desk. And he goes, I want you to get this voice in your head because you're gonna anchor our Onion news.

And so we shot a bunch of stuff with me doing Onion stories as news stories. And it didn't work? It never worked. It wouldn't come off the page. I don't know why. That's surprising to me. We even shot one with the,

we shot with the John Glaser area bowl cashed. You ever know that headline? It was just a story like, Oh yeah, area bowl cashed. And it was a press conference explaining that the bowl is cashed and they're, will you repack the bowl? We are working on acquiring what is necessary to repack the bowl is cashed and they're, will you repack the bowl? We are working on acquiring what is necessary

to repack the bowl. I don't, I should probably leave it there. And next question, like it was- Yeah, maybe when you see it done like that, it just doesn't translate as you reading it as if it was a newspaper. No, like just like the daily mundane thing in your life as news was the best,

was one of the best things. That's why like the best thing ever written in The Onion to me, the thing I love the most, not the funniest, but the thing I love the most is in their 9-11 issue, which is that area woman bakes flag cake. And it's just the story of it's just know what to do. Right. Bakes flag cake. And it's just the story of it's just know what to do. So she bakes a cake and she decorates it as a flag and brings it to her next door neighbors and they go, it's beautiful. Their cake is beautiful.

It make you cry every time you read it, but there's no jokes in it. It's just fantastic. The whole thing is like a meta joke. A lot of them don't have jokes. That's the beauty of it. You know, it's the application of their unemotional approach to a news item in a very, you know, my, I think my all-time favorite was when Tiger Woods first won the Masters. And it's a whole, it reveals itself kind of slowly. It's a whole article about how proud they are of him. And it's, they were shocked, but he really did an

amazing job. And they're going to give him his own entrance into the building and his own water fountain to drink from. And it's just brilliant. It's such a brilliant application of the idea of segregating him because he's so great. Yeah, because he's so great and black. Yeah. And then the other one of my favorites is, I might be butchering the simplicity of it, but it's like local boy with cancer sends prayer. I'm making, it's so simple. Like local boy, praise to God, with cancer, praise to God, God says no. Or something like that.

The thing was God says no. Bury a man loses cowardly battle with cancer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

A rocky man would have, dead a rocky man would have loved democracy Iraqi man would have loved democracy, says Bush administration. Oh, there's so many. They just- Somebody else's jokes. There are so many of other people's jokes. Do you ever read or see Army Man or know of it? Swiss Army man, like the the one with Donald Gleason and and I think it's like Elijah Wood or somebody like that. No, no, no, no, sorry. It's a it was a they only did four issues. George Meyer.

Oh, it's a it's a magazine. It's a it's a like a zine like a not even that Oh, you should check I think there's there's four of them and I believe Jack handy wrote They're like, you know, it's like a zine like Xerox copy work at SNL. No Small do you want to say it the slightly higher pitch? slightly higher pitch. Did you? Yeah. Did you?

I was speaking handy. I just said, did you wanna ask him? I didn't. No, I've never met him as far as I know. SNL? I've never met SNL. Stanley Nelson. I was at the 50th.

I was just saying I was at the 50th. No. In case you wanna know anything about it. I did see the movie. The SNL movie? Yeah. I sat next to an original person from, from 75. And they said that didn't happen that way.

Well, I'm shocked. No, it was. I haven't seen the movie. I know a lot of people who like that. I know nothing about it. Oh, I didn't care. But this person said, no, that's not the characters and that's not...

No, it's ridiculous. That's not how it happened and that wasn't the tone and that wasn't the intention. It's ridiculous. None of that is that way. And this person was not like mad. There was like, eh, it just didn't hold any interest to me

because it's not... Yeah, it didn't make me bad. I was just like, well, this is a bunch of bullshit. I mean, it's absolute from start to finish. Did you enjoy Studio 60 Live on the Sunset Strip? Did you ever watch that? I didn't. I think I might have watched-

Oh, but as a sketch? I know, I might have watched one. As a sketch writer, like everyone I know, everybody who did comedy at all, every sketch writer I knew, especially writing for TV sketches, could not have loved it more. But they loved to hate it.

They didn't love it, love it. Hate's not the right word. Like it was kind of like a gog that that's what people would think, like what the audience would be led to think it would be like to work on one of these shows. Yeah. It's like the movie Punchline, if you've ever, if you've ever seen Punchline. I don't know, but it's Sally Field and Tom Hanks. Yeah. Yes. I did not see it.

Sally Field plays Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks plays Sally Field before they were famous. So you could get away with it. Yeah. Yeah. So before, you know, Me Too and Times Up and all that stuff. No, Punchline, it's the same thing, the live at the sunset, whatever it was, is the same thing as when stand-ups watch Punchline, you're like, what? Did you even talk to any standups? Did you accompany anybody? There's, there are things that are just, there's, I mean, it's just terrible.

I really like Aaron Sorkin. Like I really like his writing and I really admire it at a great deal. I liked the sports one. The- You didn't like West Wing? I don't think I ever saw it. Too earnest?

I never saw it. Too earnest? But it saw it. Too earnest? Probably. Yeah, Sports Night was good. I liked Sports Night, but- I liked those movies and everything. But for this one, because I know too much about the subject, what struck me, and I almost, I don't know the man,

I mean, I've interviewed him a few times, but I don't know the man, but I kind of wanted to call on myself and go, oh no, no, don't do that. Because- Well, give me an example. Remember they're bad. Remember the whole, the idea is that the show,

Studio 60 Live on Sunset Strip, which I believe is the name of the show. Okay. Um, that the show's in trouble. And they bring back these two wunderkens to like fix it. Right? And they do.

And that's when I thought they made a huge mistake. It's like, oh no, now, now you've solved your problem. Like in the second episode, like it solved. And now it has to be good. Now, because you could have wrote absolute shit and have them go, fuck, this isn't getting any better. So give me an example of one of the bad sketches, the sketches that didn't work on the show. Studio 60?

Yeah. I can't. In their world, it was, it't work on the show. Studio 60? Yeah. I can't. In their world, their show was failing, right? I can't remember. I can't remember what the bad ones were. But after that, I thought, oh no, now everything they write has got to be good. And it wasn't, I'm guessing. Well, I don't-

Or did they do that? Did they even show the sketches? They showed some sketches. They showed some sketches. And I thought, you've painted yourself into a corner here because A, you've solved your problem right away. And B, now every time, now you can't show any sketches really, because you really couldn't show any sketches. Because now they had to be like- Unless they thought they were good sketch writers. And they're certainly good sketch writers out there. I suppose so, but I don't think they were. I mean, these people are not self-delusional. I would disagree with that.

People in Hollywood in general. Yeah, I think there are a lot of – there's a lot of self-delusion in the Hollywood circuit. Yeah. I wouldn't know. I've never really lived out there. I don't want to work. I live in New York. I'm really – Did you not spend any time in LA? I mean, I did whatever people did. I'm really in Morgan. Did you not spend any time in LA? I mean, I did whatever people did. I panned for gold. Do you know what I mean?

Like go out for pilot season. Yeah. That's it. I would go out for pilot season. I would spend like six weeks out there. Do everything I can. That's great. Go to Friend of the Farmer.

Or was that the, what was that? Was Friend of the Farmer, was that the hotel? Or Friend of the Farmer, was that like a restaurant or something? Yeah, that was a- We'd go to the farmer's market. Farmer's market. And I would see everybody else I knew from Second City who was out there.

We'd all have our beepers. We'd all have our beepers on the table, middle of the table. And then one would go, and you go like, I got a call back or whatever like that. And that would do that every day. And then at the end of every week,

I would not hurl myself into a pit. And I go, okay, I'll do another week of this. And I never got cast in anything. Do you remember some of the things you auditioned for? I auditioned for Ali McBeal. Okay. I think I got called back for Ali McBeal. I auditioned for Dharma and Greg. I think I might've auditioned for Greg, I don't know. I went to another Charleston boy, Thomas Gibson. It used to be that there were a million things made

and a few things went. Now there's nothing made and nothing goes. But there'd be like, what, 100? How many pilots would be made over you? You're crazy. So I thought I'll get into something. No one would cast me in anything. And then I actually, I worked with Dino,

your buddy Dino Stamatopoulos, who I knew from Carvey. We'd become tight. Dino and Mike Stoyanov. And from Blossom fame. And a very funny comedy writer and also very fit. You remember how fit, does Mike still fit? I don't remember.

I just remember at Carvey. That kind of is coming back to me now. Carvey how mad Louie would get because Louie was head writer, Louie CK. How mad Louie would get because we'd have a meeting or a read down and Mike wouldn't be there. He'd be at the gym. He'd be at the gym. Yeah. And he'd be like, hey, sorry, man,

just had to burn off low energy. And he also had very young girlfriends. And so Mike was older. Well, that's another maybe even better way to burn off energy. Sure. Midday. But he could have been like, I couldn't go to the meeting. I was fucking this girl. Maybe. I'm not sure. Louis would have liked that either. I'm not sure if that would have carried any water. Well- But how do we get on this? Oh. So we went to Frank's on Second Avenue.

Good. So we go to Frank's on Second Avenue. No, no, no. No, I'm ultimately, the goal now is to never tell the story. Have you really not told the story yet? No. Really? I thought the story was true story. That's not the story? No, no, that was another thing that I remember from first meeting you and working with you and how much, how funny I, and it was one of those things that I will occasionally think about. And it just sort of, it's almost like a inside joke you have with a friend or a wife or something.

True story. That just will pop into my head and make me laugh. Well, that makes me very happy to know that I occasionally make David Cross laugh. You're a worthy person to make laugh, in my opinion. Thank you. Because some people are not worthy to make laugh. Some people are not. Well, they're not human.

No, I mean, they have their- They're not player characters. They're not player characters. Humanity, but they're not- There's player characters and non-player characters, Dave. Which are you? Is the story about you? Is the story of your life about you, Dave?

Mine is- Is okay? But, yeah. Then who else gets to be player characters in your life? I guess the troll guardian. I'm not a D&D guy. The Baldor, is that one? You've played no video games? You've never played a video game? I'm sure I have. With non-player characters? Yes.

Like guys who send you on like side quests and shit like that? Yeah. Well, those are non-player characters, so. Because I can't play, I can't. Did you reference Baldur's Gate? Is that? I don't know that many of those type of games. I play games. Baldur's Gate is a fine video game. I played, last one that I played that I really liked was Deathloop. Really smart, interesting, really smart, interesting, clever, cool, aesthetically to

quality kills. Say what quality kills? Yeah, it's not that kind of this. You know, I just read, I think today or maybe last night about the Musk and NPC thing. So I I'm aware of the reference. This won't come out until 2028. So people may know. By the way, there's no greater response from any audience than I'm aware of the reference.

That's what I'm hoping my audience says every night. We are aware of the reference. Go on to the next one. Got it with an eye roll. There's a lot of those little paddles like the Democrats. But no, I mean, that seems very new and perhaps a little niche and not everybody might. I didn't know about that until either this morning or last night, that whole thing about the NPC.

Oh, it's been a term of art in certain conservative circles for a while. Yeah, I haven't, I'm new to it. Yeah. Newly, freshly. You ever see, what is it in Blade Runner? When he goes, you're either police or you're little people. I don't remember that.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's there.. Do you enjoy? Do I what? Blade Runner. Do you enjoy the movie Blade Runner? Why are you talking so low like that? I don't understand. I'm afraid I'm struck a nerve. By the way, I said, no, I'm not familiar with that. I thought, oh boy. You might be one of those holes. Some people have cultural holes. Like it's possible you never saw Blade Runner. No, I saw it. I just think people who like it are stupid.

You want to hear some of my cultural holes that shock people? I do like Blade Runner for the record. I just didn't remember that. Oh, at this point, now I've forced you to say that. No, I do. I like Blade Runner quite a bit. Ryan Gosling, right?

Yes. Okay. Yes. I've never seen Shawshank. Neither have I. And that deal was struck. To never watch it. I don't want to watch it until I can watch it with Morgan Freeman. Oh, right. And Tim Robbins. I want to do that.

Both of them together. Yeah. Maybe on a Zoom call. Have you seen the Fast and Furious movies? No. I've never seen one of them. No. And I want to watch.

And I was going to do this. I was going to do this. It was right before the strike hit in 23. We had already set up. There was an empty, it used to be like the kickin' chicken or something. There was some chicken joint near the corner of where the Ed Sullivan is.

Oh, the kickin' chicken. Yeah. Yeah. And it, glass, it's all glass. The chicken who's always dying? He's like constant, in constant state about to die. Well, they have a bunch of chickens in the front going, and there's a little voice that goes, kill me. So you feel better about eating the chicken. You go like, oh, he wanted to go. Yes, of course.

I mean, this is surcease from agony. I mean, they wanted to go. I think it's unfortunate because he's the only chicken that spoke English and was able to communicate verbally. Right, but he couldn't communicate with other chickens. He was so lonely. Right. Yeah. He was so lonely. It was really, of course- It wasn't about pain. It wasn't about physical pain. It was about emotional pain. It was loneliness. It was loneliness, you know?

That's a killer. Yeah. It's a killer. Call your parents. So, a chicken chicken, you would- Oh, it's a glass front store, just empty parents. So, Kickin' Chicken, you would? Oh, it's Glassfront Store, just empty now. So, I said, what I'll do is I'll sit in there starting at 6 a.m. and we'll announce that we're going to do this on air and that I want to sit in there with a couch, like a cup, easy chair, like with a cup holder, two of them, and then have a TV facing away from the street. And people could come watch me watch all of the Fast and Furious movies in a row without a break,

or actually just a five minute pee break between each one, and then invite cast members in to join me. And we had cast members who were willing to come in and join me. I think we figured if we started at six a.m. we'd finish it midnight. And then I would just do without a break. And then in that five minute break, I would go to the bathroom and there'd be like a little camera in there. I could say, how am I feeling?

And how am I feeling about the movies? Right. How am I feeling about the things I'm learning about my own culture? Because the reason I wanted to do it is that these are the biggest, this is the biggest franchise of all time. Fast and Furious movies.

There's like 11, 12. There's no way of knowing at this point how many there are. I mean, maybe in the amount of films they've done. They all like do a billion dollars at this point. Chipmunks, you gotta, Chipmunks is right up there. The squeak-wool? Yeah.

Squeak-wool, are you in that one? I'm contractually obligated, yeah. But I figured if I'm gonna talk about, you know, the national conversation or however you wanna describe what the mandate of these shows that we do are, like we're talking about the country. I need to understand my country

and I don't think I could understand my country until I had seen all of the Fast and Furious movies. So that was the impetus behind it. But then the strike came and we didn't do it. We could still do it. Yeah, I still haven't seen any. I would- It's hard to not see them at some certain point.

I mean, you can only avoid traveling on a plane for so long, you know? In front of me. I might see parts of it between the seat. Absolutely. I had this idea for if, it hasn't, haven't had a reason to do it yet, but if somebody in a seatmate on a plane was annoying,

and we've certainly flown with those folks, and was watching a movie, I wanted to watch, get same movie but go five minutes ahead and just like laugh or go, no way or whatever, it just ruins. Hold, just look, he's dead. But not even do it, just they would just look over and go, no way, or whatever. It just ruins. Look, he's dead. But not even do it. They would just look over and go, god damn it. That's great. That's my idea.

That's great. There's got to be a suspense, though. If there's somebody who's just shitty, that's my plan. But as far as getting the empty storefront and doing that, I think David Blaine did that in London. He did in a block of ice. He watched the... Yeah, I assume you're gonna be in a block of ice.

He did the director's cut, like extended editions, Lord of the Rings. He watched all of them in a block of ice. So you're not gonna be in a block of ice? No, no, I'm just gonna be... Oh. There's also a pizza place next door. I was gonna have them just send me pizza the whole time. So you would do this, but not in a block of,

well, what is, yeah, I'm less interested in it now. If you were in a block of ice, yeah. Do you think he's actually doing anything? Do you think there's any magic there when he does, like the block of ice thing, or is he just like, I'm willing to be in a block of ice? I think he's willing to be in a block of ice. I don't know, I met him once.

I'm willing to like hold my breath for nine minutes or something like that. Yeah. You met him once? I did. I may have met him. I might have met him through a illusionist friend of mine. It was really interesting and I'm not making a judgment, but there was this packed party in somewhere

in the village or something, somebody's house, like one of those cool old brownstone townhouse things. And it was packed, and there was a pretty, it was like late 1800s, so the stairwell is like super tight, you know? Uh-huh. Tell me about the window treatments. I'm just saying that- The curtains were like shades that was in there.

No, I'm saying it so you understand that there was not a lot of room- Oh, okay. ... as I was coming down the stairs. And he was there, and if I remember, he said something that was kind of as if we were familiar with each other, but I was, and remain positive that we had never met, but I was like, hey, cross, you know, one of those type of things. And then he just started, he pulled out a deck of cards. No. Yes. Really?

Yeah, that was the first time I'd ever met him. That's really sweet, actually. And it's just that was his way of saying hi or... That's what I mean. It's like, oh, he found exactly what he needed to engage with other humans, and it was deception. And it was... Chookery. It was... But seriously, that's...

It was... I mean, he was amazing. It was all... It was like... He's incredible. Yeah. He pulled a bumblebee out of my cheek once. Are you serious? Took a knife, cut a little piece of my cheek, and pulled out a bumblebee. And I could taste the honey.

Wow. I know. That doesn't sound- What? Like magic. Very painful. How long did it take to heal up? I guess it's better than having a bee in your-

I have a makeup gene. Oh. So it doesn't really, I don't even know. With you at all times. I have no idea if I have wounds anywhere on my body. Oh my gosh. Because they always just come in, I close my eyes, and they just airbrush me down. I was going to say you look a little vague.

That's what I say. I go, vague me. You don't have to- Make me look like an NPC. You don't have to wear makeup or any of that or anti-shine. This is a podcast. Those are cameras though. Yeah, but.

I'm just a little powdered up later. Okay. I don't. You see that there's a woman in this room that you're not acknowledging, but I will. Yeah. She is the head of my production company, Carrie Bielak. I know Carrie. I've known Carrie for years. known Carrie people at home. Don't know. Okay

Well, they're not gonna see her the cameras are here But that's why I have to say that she's here because the cameras won't see her because you don't believe that women should be in entertainment No, I didn't say that I said well, that's what I'm getting. I said what people at home are getting No, I said all they can know is that oh the whole bunch of men in this room There's a lovely woman over there, more talented than both of us, probably. And there's not a word. She was for many years my publicist.

She's no longer my publicist. I know who Carrie is. But I'm saying to the people at home here. They don't even know, we don't have a shot of her. This could be another one of your lies. You could change that. You have the power to change that. This could be another one of your lies. You could change that. You have the power to change that.

This could be another one of your lies. Anyway, I think she would agree that without any powder. Why don't you ask her? Oh, it's not my podcast. Why don't you ask her? Okay, what am I asking? Without any, I would believe that she would say without any powder on you look like Uncoached Calamari.

Okay. Hey lady, without any makeup on what does Stephen Colbert look like? Uncoached Calamari. All right, Chris, cut that out. Yeah. Cut her out. Okay. Got it. There's nobody here, Stephen. There's no imaginary. Cut that out. Yep. Cut her out. Okay.

There's nobody here, Stephen. There's no imaginary. Look, I'm just lonely. You know loneliness is a killer. It is. Yeah. It's, do you know what the- I don't have a little magic deck of cards to engage with other people.

I don't have that. Tarot. What about tarot? No, I won't do it. I won't do it because it's too powerful. What about astrology? What? What about astrology?? No, I won't do it. I won't do it because it's too powerful. What about astrology? What? What about astrology?

But when the moon is in the- Seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets. And love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of- The age of Aquarius. Age of- Aquarius.

Age of- Aquarius. Aquarius. Aquarius. Age of. Aquarius. Aquarius. Aquarius. We had to go through the song. Yes. Harmony and understanding. Peace and love about. Bounding.

Minor actors not seen later, vanish in a planet's crater. Those of us who try to save them fail because the script has made them dispensable. That was the Mad Magazine parody of Star Trek. The musical parody of Star Trek. Star Trek. Dispensable. The dispensable.

Yeah, but that's, uh, that's from hair. Star Trek. Was it a musical? Star Trek, the musical? The Mad Magazine parody of Star Trek used the soundtrack to hair. Why? That's really- Did you not read Mad Magazine?

Of course I did. Well, they would use all kinds of- Did you ever get parodied in Mad Magazine? I did. Oh, that must have been a treat. It was a real treat. It was like Coker or DiBartolo, one of those guys. I forgot who it was. But yeah, it's me and John.

I think they're making fun of us making fun of things, which I could not have loved more. Oh man, that would be- That was the greatest. That's like getting a Hirschfeld. I was about to say that. I literally was about to say when I was a kid and my mom would get the Sunday Times and she would be like, I'm going to go to the library and I'm going to go to the library and I'm going to go to the library and I'm like getting a Hirschfeld. I was about to say that. I literally was about to say when I was a kid, and my mom would get the Sunday Times, you know, didn't have, we were in Georgia,

and it was illegal there for a long, long time. And it's how they found out that we were Jewish. So then we had to flee. It's a long story. But one of my markers for success was if Al Hirschfeld drew me. Did he? No. Not that I'm aware of. He drew Amy Sedaris. Nice. I got super jealous about that. She was doing an off-Broadway play with Sarah Jessica Parker

and a couple of other people whose names escaped me at the moment. Maybe Parker Posey, all the Parkers. Parker roles. Peter Parker? Yep. Okay. And- Parker House?

Yep, Parker House roles. But the people do the board games? The Parker Brothers. Parker Brothers. But they lived in the Parker House? Yes. The Parker Brothers did. Okay.

And um. Parker carcass? This podcast is only for people from 60 to 80, by the way. Hey, by the way, I got something about that, a 60 to 80 thing you need to think about. Okay. Is um, so I'm very jealous. Amy got a, she got a, I don't think the Nina was in her, like was in her hair or anything like that.

But you know, I was just, I just had lunch with Dick Cavett actually. Wow. He has two Hirschfelds of him. That's greedy. And they're like full, like he's got the original art. They're big, they're big panels of paper, like with the pen and ink on it.

It's beautiful. My wife has something that I'll never, that I'm jealous of, it's the same thing. Not, you know, green-eyed jealousy, but. Miss Green-Eyed Monster. The, she was in Mad Magazine. Oh yeah. Her Joan of Arcadia show.

I was in that. You weren't Joan of Arcadia. No, it was me and John. They were making fun of us making fun of things. It's great. Oh, yes. Did you ever have a thing you just said you ever have a Hirschfeld? No, we've established that I did not have a I don't know. I didn't as far as I know, unless he unless some, you know, somebody unlocks a chest that they forgot about a trunk or something and there's all his like, hearth spells at, you know, originals at nobody and

there's like seven of me. You ready for a 60 to 80 reference? I have a Herb Block. I don't know what that is. Herb Block. He was a, it was a political cartoonist. Really? Herb Block.

Herb Block. It's Herbert Block. Herb Block is how it would be. Yes. Yes. That does sound familiar. What's the style? Political cartoon, like of the most dictionary definition version. Right.

You know, here comes a man who is labeled inflation. Right. And there's a defenseless group of children labeled the economy. Yeah, very nasty. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's been advancements. There's a tiger that says Tammany Hall. There have been advancements made. Do you know Mike Lukovich's work? Yeah, Mike is fantastic. He's the best. Mike is fantastic.

Really good. Really. He's probably the best. Head and shoulders above the others. Yeah. I met him once. I met Mike and Tom tomorrow. Mike is fantastic. Really good. Really, probably the best. Head and shoulders above the others, yeah. I met him once. Yeah, he's sweet. I met Mike and Tom Tomorrow. They were hanging out together. Oh yeah.

Yeah, I like Tom Tomorrow too. Yeah, I've met that guy. Yeah, I met him at the Democratic Convention of 2004. Have you met Ruben Bowling? No. The Tom the Dancing Bug? No. Oh, he's brilliant. That's brilliant. How about Dan Clow, has you ever metling? No. The Tom the Dancing Bug? No. Oh, he's brilliant. That's brilliant.

How about Dan Clow? Has he ever met him? Yes. Needledick the Bugfucker? Yep. Fantastic. Yeah. That's another level.

And his last, I want to say, his last three novels, graphic novels novels are just genius. I mean, they're all great, but the last three are next level storytelling. And isn't great when you meet somebody and you've got an incredibly obscure reference like Needle Dick the Bugfucker and they know it. Yeah. Like that's, I mean, that's a guy I could go have dinner with. Oh, yes. Thank you. So Stephen, speaking of having dinner with-

Which I do not remember at all, by the way. Oh, our time is up. If he was held me down and threatened my family, I would like, I do not remember having had dinner with David Cross. Yeah. I like David Cross. It was, he's a good guy. Yeah, I wouldn't be here. It was very funny.

I wouldn't be here if I didn't like David Cross. Yeah. It's not like he has something on me Unless there's something part in this dinner story. I don't know about No, no, it was just made me laugh. So fucking hard What is it the story? I'll tell you after we've stopped because I or maybe I'll tell it on your show Okay, maybe we'll that'll be good. Why don't we just run this on the show? What is this one this whole thing and like double speed? I'll go on your show. Okay. That would be good. Why don't we just run this on the show. What was I going to say? Just run this whole thing at like double speed.

I'll go on your show. We could show this intro from here and then come back to the desk and I'll say, I'm sorry, we're all out of time. I think we should do that. I did this thing that took, oh gosh, maybe 10 years to pay off, maybe longer, probably longer, but I did a longer, it must have been at least 15 years, but I did a, I did the short-lived Carson Daly talk show thing. The one that was after Conan?

Yeah. Like what he after Conan? Yeah. The one he did later? Yeah. It's just called Later. Later, okay. Pretty long lived. Was it? I did it.

I thought it was, how long was, okay. How long was Jack Parr the host of The Tonight Show? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Really set the format for all talk shows after that. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Two years. Oh, all talk shows after that. Bum, bum, bum, bum. Two years. Oh, that's pretty, four years. That was not him. Four years.

Yeah. I thought, wait, where was, what's his name? Steve Allen? Steve Allen was before that. Before that. Yeah, and then it was, that was Par, and then nobody would take over for Par, because you can't take over for Par.

Yeah. There's no way you can take over for Par. He's a giant. So many people like came in there and were guest hosts. What about like Jamie Kennedy? Is the experiment over? Yes. Are the results in?

Are the results in from the experiment? Yeah, it's over. I'm afraid it's over. I never even read the Digest, the little abstract. The Lancets. The Lancets. Yeah. Did you ever see- We lost this funding. And I believe-

Which one? The National Endowment for the Sciences cut the funding for the experiment. Yeah. Well, they saved over $80. The National Endowment for the Sciences cut the funding for the experiment? Yeah, well, they saved over $80. But anyway, there, and I think you can see it on YouTube, and I urge you to check it out. There was, I don't remember what year it was, but there was a live from Hollywood Boulevard New Year's Eve thing with, I remember Jill Scott was there, Jamie Kennedy was hosting, and it is a disaster in the best way.

Kerry, do you know what I'm talking about? It's not here. I know I'm just throwing that out in the ether. It was, I want to say like mid-aughts, like 2008, something like that. And it was every people are drunk. The crowd is ra- it's a terrible idea. They only did it once. So it was real. Like they did it on the street. That's a real thing. He's got a bunch of people, they're all tanked, they've been partying. And then I think Jill- Chris, we look it up-

Did Jill got a band leader or something? No, it was not a, it wasn't like a late, it was a one-off thing. Oh, I see. So it was like live on Hollywood Boulevard, you know, whoever, I don't know who, what network did it, but you know, Jamie Kennedy hosts the New Year's Eve countdown and people are visibly drunk and the crowd

is pissed because there's – and there's technical – I would watch that. That sounds wonderful. It's fucking awesome. That sounds wonderful actually. It's awesome because – I'm a big fan of chaos. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Other people's chaos. Yes, of course. And it was live. It was happening, it was unfolding, and nobody – I would imagine a lot of people got fired after that. And it just – it was not a great idea on paper, but also – Speaking of shows that were a disaster, did you know that I was offered the job of the sidekick on the Magic Hour.

Magic Johnson had a talk show for six weeks in like, to 90, I don't know, 2000 and meow meow. I'm not sure when it was. All I know is that I was pretty darn unemployed. Yeah. I think I might have been out there for panning for gold out in LA, trying to get somebody to talk to me and a guy named Jim Sharp who had been in development at Comedy Central.

Yeah, that sounds familiar. Yeah, Jim was a great guy. He also produced, I think he produced a lot of the unplugged stuff. But anyway, Jim said, hey, I hear you're in LA. You want to come over and just meet these guys? I said, sure. So I went over and I met Magic's team, not Magic, but I met Magic's team and they were very attractive, extremely fit group of people, very Chanel, very fashionable. And they came in and he explained to me what the show would be. He's like, Magic knows he's not a host. He knows that he's, you know, he's not out there. He's not really, he's not a comedian. He's just there, people like him. Everybody is like, yeah, should I get it?

He's a very charming guy. And he goes, what we want you to do is that you want to be like, you're like a window for the comedy. Like you're gonna like, you will be like a sidekick. You'll be off, you'll do the announcement for the show, but you'll also be peppering him with like jokes and observations about like things he said or things in the news while he's doing the monologue. And he'll be

confused. Like you're like his crazy uncle. Wait, you're supposed to interrupt him? Yes. And you're like his crazy uncle and you'll say stuff and he'll like, he doesn't know what you're talking about. So that kind of vibe. Oh boy. And I said, okay. And I really needed a job. So I was also really grateful that Jim would call me in. And so I did my best in the interview when his team came in. And I basically kind of said back to them

what Jim had said to me, because I figured that was what the prep was. And then they offered me the job. And I was unemployed, and I had another baby on the way. So this was in 98. I was really unemployed. I hadn't started working. As opposed to a little, so this was in 98. I was really unemployed. I hadn't started working. I suppose to a little unemployed.

Well, I mean, I basically did like one piece every six weeks on The Daily Show. That was my job. I had nothing. And Carvey was gone and I wasn't, I was living in New York with no job. I don't recommend it with a baby. And I had another baby on the way.

And I was down in South Carolina with Evie. And I said, they've offered me the job. And she was all excited. And I said, and I said they've offered me the job and she was all excited and I said, and I can't take it. And she said, what? Like we don't, like, she was massively pregnant, but I was like, I can't take it. And I said, I just, I just really don't think this show's going to last. And I think it would be bad for my career to have this on as a notch on my belt. I think it would be bad for my career to have this on as a notch on my belt. I think people will not forget that I took this job if I take this job. And I hope you can trust me." And she looked at me for a while, we're in the breakfast nook of her parents' house. Well, we didn't even have an

apartment, we were living with them at this point. And she said to me, she stood up, she sighed, she goes, I trust you. And she walked out of the room. That was a rough, rough moment. But then it aired. We watched the air, we watched the premiere episode together. And who did it? Who was the psychic? I can't remember. He's a working standup. And he starts peppering magic. The monologue starts and he starts peppering magic with a couple of zingers or comments exactly as described like that. And Magic Johnson stops and he goes,

he's like my crazy uncle. He says these things. I'm like, I don't know what he's talking about. He also reiterated the prep to the audience. And I turned to every she went, okay. Okay, that was the right choice. Well, you made, you did do the right choice. I think, I think people would have forgotten it.

I know that feeling that of in the moment where you go, I don't think people are going to forget it. I think they would, it wouldn't care. Okay. But you clearly made the right choice. But I will say this, it's not too late to go back and revisit. I would do something with magic in a minute. He's a giant. Literally.

Steven is nodding his head. Now, Steven, I... It's Steven, right? Fine. Well, Stephen, I, it's Stephen, right? Fine. If that's how you want to perceive me, then yeah, I'm Stephen. Okay. You can call me Steve if you want. Some people call me Steve. I don't want to call you Steve.

No, you don't have to. Yeah. Dave? No. David. Yeah. Always David, never Dave. My family calls me Dave and I don't even hear it.

My other ed calls me Steve. Yeah, and I don't even hear it. My mother Ed calls me Steve. Yeah, but I don't, you know. Yeah. My mother, my brother Ed, Tom Brokaw and Tom Hanks are the only people who call me Steve. Well, you should probably get a third Tom to call maybe... Tom York.

Tom York, yeah. T-H-O-M. Tom, if you're listening, you may call me Steve. You know what I call Tom York? What. Yeah, he HOM Tom if you're listening you may call me Steve You know what I call Tom York what Tom thumb? He loves it. He loves it now Steven Hey, Chris, did you find anything on that? No, all right on what the New Year's chaos they might have like wiped it clean It might have been they might have like they have men in black. Oh, dude. Men in black. There you go. Yeah.

Talking talking. I'm talking with a star of the early aughts. Yeah. 90s or early aughts? 90s. Well, they made three of them. I was in the first two. So 90s into the no. Yeah. No, I had not moved to New York yet. So they were both 90s. Yeah. Yes. So No, I had not moved to New York yet. So they were both 90s. Yeah. Yes. So Stephen, I- Yes, David. I end every episode with a question from my daughter

to the guest. Your nine-year-old daughter? Is that German? No. She just turned eight, but she would have been seven when she wrote this. OK. OK. Wow. You've been banking these for a No. I forgot is it not seven. She just turned eight, but she would've been seven when she wrote this. Okay. Okay.

Wow, you've been banking these for a while. I have, yeah. I do, because it's, we had a couple going and then it was starting to run out. And then when I, I was like, I need 20 more, you can't ask a kid, I need 20 more questions for my podcast. Before you get to this question, just wanna ask something.

Does this podcast have an organizing principle of some kind? Yeah. Well, as you might know, it's chaos theory meets kind of Wittgenstein, but just at the meniscus of the- Of the isthmus? Yeah, the meniscus of the isthmus. That's the old Wisconsin Badgers fighting song. Well, not many people know that Madison is an isthmus. I do. That's one of those things.

Why do you know that Madison is an isthmus? I don't know. Why do I know any of these things? Go ahead. I don't know. It's just random. That's a really deep cut. It's just random trivia. That's a deep Wisconsin cut.

I don't know. I mean, I've spent time there, so maybe it's there. I don't know. I love Madison. Love it's- Hey, Farmer's Market up in Madison. Sunday, the weekend is Farmer's Market. It's the one thing I don't enjoy.

Tri-Cameral legislature. Yeah, there you go. Yes. How about that? And they stole it from- Not bicameral. It's tri one thing I don't enjoy. Tri-cameral legislature. Yeah, there you go. Yes. How about that? And they stole it from- Not bicameral. It's tri-cameral. Who's got the unicameral in the Midwest? Iowa?

Nebraska has a unicameral legislature. Yes. So they don't, their state house doesn't have like wings. It's just tall because it's unicameral. And as you're driving toward Lincoln, that pokes up over the horizon before anything else and it is called. Lincoln's penis. It's called the penis of the plains.

Okay, close. That's Bob Carey's doing. Yeah, he is Senator Bob Carey of Nebraska. That's right. A dated girl from Lincoln for many years. That's how you know all that stuff. That's how I know all that stuff. That's how I know all that stuff. But wait, what is, there's a, so there's unicameral, there's bicameral.

Bicameral, which is like the United States is bicameral, yeah. Pretty much. But there's tricameral in Wisconsin. Yes. There's the representatives and the senators, and then there's the wizards. And there's Patsy. The wizards? The wizards.

Just that, that whole, they just, it's all incantations. They just put out, they put their intention out into the world, like the secret, and they want that to come back. Oh, why? Positively for Wisconsin. That's what they do. That's what the secret's about. It's about Wisconsin legislation.

Really, when you think about it. Sure. All right. If you secret about it. Steven, here's my question from seven-year-old Marlo. Steven, this is one of my favorite questions too. If Donald Trump found a lucky penny, would he have good luck? Yes. Okay, there you go. There you go. Let's see what All right. Yeah. That's fine. You don't I mean, you can answer

it any way you see fit. I would I would. I think we've done about 65 of these shows. I would say that's the most boring, unentertaining answer yet. But there you go. You have to have fun. Why are you refusing to laugh? But those are you at home. Is that what you yell at your audiences? Yes.

Why are you refusing to laugh? I say it in kind of a vaguely Germanic. Why are you refusing to laugh? Why are you refusing to laugh? No, but that's my answer. I don't want to add anything to the answer. That's fine. It's perfectly fine.

And I rarely kind of editorialize, but there you go. Yeah. Really? Is it rare for you to editorialize? About the answer to the question. Okay, am I allowed to editorialize about the question? Sure. Or is your daughter, I can't.

No, no, you can't. Does she listen to this? Not that I'm aware of. Is there a chance she'll listen to this? At some point, maybe. It was a perfect question. It's a good question. It's a very good question. And I-

If it is a lucky penny, then of course you would get luck. Same way, it doesn't matter who gets the genie, you get the wishes. Right. I get it, makes sense. What constitutes a lucky penny? Just a penny found is a lucky penny or any-

When she asked that question, she, it was in the phase of believing that, oh, if you do find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck. Yeah. Okay, sure. You know that phrase, you know that thing. Step on a crack, break your mother's back. Yeah, and so-

Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good lup. Good lup, yeah. And- He would definitely have good lup. Then yeah, lup is short for lupus. Lupus. For lupus. Yeah, for lupus.

You have 24 hour lupus. Yeah, for lupus. You have 24-hour lupus. Find a pig, penny, pick it up. Terrible disease, but one of the best names. Terrible, terrible. Flannery O'Connor died of lupus. Is that true? Yeah, yeah, but you got to admit lupus is a pretty good, pretty funny word. Yeah. What? There's a... Lupus is good. Hooping cough.

Hooping cough is good. Hooping cough. Yes, yes. Yeah. There's another one that – Rickets. Rickets. Yeah. Ricket. And Willy Prater syndrome? Is that the one? Is that the one where – Willy Prater,rader is something you're able to play blues guitar like Blind Willi-Prader? I think it's Willi-Prader syndrome is where you are constantly eating and you eat things that aren't edible necessarily. Oh, really? Cooper's droop. You ever heard of a Cooper's droop?

The reverend from Vermont- From what? He's a reverend from Vermont in the late 1700s. Cooper's droop, yeah. Cooper's droop. Cooper's droop, yeah. He wrote a poem called Progress. Cooper's droop.

Cooper's droop is a thing, is this tendon, like the meat of your chest just droops because this tendon. It's a man boob. Yeah, old lady boob too. Yeah, it happens to us. It waits for us all. It waits for us all. Do you work out?

No. All right. Do you? Yeah. Why do you say it like that? That's good. It has no effect. I feel better if I do it, but it's not.

Yes. There was a brief period of time where right before I went to Machu Picchu with Bob last summer and hiked the Inca Trail and did all that. And I was like, I better fucking get on it. Did you hike all the way up or did you take the tramway up at all? Son of a motherfucking bitch. We hiked, asshole. I'm just asking.

I'm very impressed. You should. But if I say hike, I do this on stage too, where I talk about it and then I say, and then we'll cut all this out. So that story is gonna be cut out, what we just heard. Are we already out of the edit? Are we back on track?

We're back in, okay. So for those of you who didn't get to hear what the story was, it was about, he made a reference to Mountchupichu and I asked him whether he hiked it or took the train up there. He got very upset, edge of tears. And he said, no, that's a joke I do on my own show. Don't make that joke about me. And then he said, cut this out, cut this out. Don't allow this part to be in here. This shows me as weak. Okay, and we're back. Cucked me. That's what the word is. And we're back in. We're back in. Are we back in now? So the story is told.

The story of the story. About the story you cut out. It's extra stuff. Yeah. Okay, it's great. Oh, you know what I can do. This is for the DVD commentary. This can be, this actually can go, I'll take it for the special when I do my special. Wait, I didn't say that this could be in a special. Did I sign anything?

This can't be in a special. You didn't sign a thing. Lawyer up, motherfucker. Because I, no way this goes in a special. This goes into a podcast. No. And no special. No.

No special. Well, let's not call it a special. Let's call it something else. Special is just sort of, you know, random word that we use. It's not special. It's subjective. Let's just call it intellectual property. Let's just call it intellectual property. let's call it something else. Special is just sort of random word that we use. It's not special, it's subjective. Let's just call it intellectual property. It's a thing. Yeah.

It's talking. We should have dinner. You know what's still open? Franks? Franks is still open. Is it still open, really? It is still open, yeah, same spot. That's admirable, especially that it has changed so much.

What did you- Order Cacio Pepe. Oh, you ordered the Cacio Pepe. What did you? Order, cacio pepe. Oh, you ordered the cacio pepe. You remember that you ordered the cacio pepe there? I'm assuming. I know that I got the, they had this a fennel where they would take it, they would chop up, there was fennel bulbs that were like quartered

and then they were like steamed, but then they were cooked in this cream and Parmesan sauce with a lot of pepper. That sounds good. Oh my God, I've been trying to recreate it for years. I'll tell you what else you would have told me about Frank's and not vice versa, because I think I just had not been there for very long

and I think that was the first time I ate there. So you would have known about Frank's. Yeah, it's like Second Avenue and Third or something like that. Or Second Avenue and Fifth, something like that, yeah. My wife, Evie, lived between Second and First across from the Hells Angels. Oh yeah. Yeah, she lived in the apartment building across from the Hells Angels, My wife, Evy lived between second and first across from the Hells Angels.

Oh yeah. Yeah, she lived in the apartment building across from the Hells Angels. And she was like, it was great, the Hells Angels were there. I was on 3rd Street, wasn't it? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, because that was up, cause those guys, I'd say once every three weeks or so,

but consistently, not like, you know, it wasn't like they set their alarm to do it or wrote on the calendar, but they would do, you know, their fucking bikes with, you know, and it would set off all the car alarms and they would come flying up third street to their headquarters. And the guy, there was a guy, the guy who ran security at Barry ballroom was one of the guys who sat, you know, they set their chairs out there and their little couch and they would sit there.

And then I would walk my dog and he'd go, boo, to the dog, go, hey, just walk away. For real. Wow. Yeah, but he, I felt good that I kind of had an in with him and he would always recognize me at Bowery Ballroom and kind of, he'd give me a nod and not question whether I was able to go downstairs or backstage or anything.

Do you know Tom Segura's Bikes? Do you know that? No. Bikes! Check it out sometime. It's really funny. Okay. I like Tom. Just about yelling bikes at people. I don't know. I will check it out. I like him. He's – This has been great. Oh, are we done? Well, I just have a show. I have to –

What's your show? Let's tell people about it. I do – well, I do an improv show at Cross Currents under the Belmont L in Chicago. And tonight it's me, it's Joel Murray, Dave Pasquese, Honor Finnegan, a guy named Chris Paff, and then whoever the six we can get. And we just go up there and we try to improvise. But you're in New York right now. Yeah, I gotta get on a plane. I gotta get back. You take a plane to Chicago? Every day.

Every day? Every day, yeah. Wow. Limousine liberal. What? Limousine liberal. Private jet liberal, please. Oh, it's a private jet.

Oh, please. Oh, it's a private jet. Don't lump me in with those Kennedys. No. That's why I didn't know your whole story about like watching a movie on the back of a seat. I didn't understand what you were talking about that before. I'm like, you invited somebody you don't like on your plane?

I'm like, what is that? Why would you do that? Yeah, and why would you sit right next to him? There's so much space. Exactly. It's a 60 seater private jet. You have a bocce ball set on your private plane, right? Yeah.

I mean, depending on the season, if we can keep the grass alive. Wow. That's great. Good for you. Yeah. It's very difficult. And service animals, yes, no? Yeah.

I mean, raccoons, because they've got opposable thumbs, but I wouldn't trust anything else to fly. Oh, they're actually flying the plane. That's the service they're performing. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I would love to be a fly on that wall. Hmm, wait, no. Not if not if my service iguana was on board. This is really devolving. I've enjoyed this immensely. So have I.

Is this what it's normally like? No, it's usually pretty funny and, you know, edifying in some way. Is there ever like a sustained conversation about anything? Never. Are you kidding? I didn't think so. I wanted to know because I've, this is why I can't imagine having dinner with you.

This podcast says to me, I just don't see that. I just don't see. That's funny, cause I pitched this podcast as like, it's like having dinner with me at Frank's a long time ago. The end. Sense is Working Overtime is a Headgum podcast created and hosted by me, David Cross. The show is edited by Katie Skelton and engineered by Nicole Lyons with supervising producer Emma Foley. Thanks to Demi Druchin for our show art and Mark Rivers for our theme song.

For more podcasts by Headgum, visit Headgum.com or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and maybe we'll read it on a future episode. I'm not gonna do that. Thanks for listening. That was a Headgum Podcast.