Sex, Lies & DM Slides - 90. The Different Attachment Styles in Dating

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

We've been wanting to talk about the different attachment styles in dating on the pod forever and some of these really resonate with us! From anxious attachments to avoidant to secure, we discuss them all. Plus, we talk about which attachment styles we think we are or have been in previous relationships. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Let's go. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Sex Slides and DM Slides. It is Thursday, which means we are back for another bonus episode. So in Tuesday's episode, we actually spoke to a manifesting expert called Roxy about all things manifesting, which was super interesting. Go and check that episode out if you haven't already but today we wanted to speak about attachment styles in dating and our own experiences with this because I think we have briefly touched on this before and to be honest I actually already think I know what attachment style I kind of have do you think you know which one you have um I wouldn't know what it's called I know

exactly what I'm like in a relationship but I wouldn't know what they're called so I'm intrigued to see what they are and then I think it'd be very obvious which category I fit okay okay so for those of you who don't know what attachment styles are um it's basically behave like your behavior in a romantic relationship um and like how i don't know like it's based on the emotional connection that is formed um i off of the bat i like had a little read through like which ones like what the titles are i fully know which one i am and i know i'm going to be the avoidant one, but that one's last and we'll talk about that one last. But the first one we'll talk about, so the secure attachment style. So I think this is like, for me anyway, the dream one that I would love to be working on it. Empathetic and able to set appropriate boundaries. People with secure attachment style tend to feel

safe, stable and more satisfied in their close relationships they don't fear being on their own and they usually thrive in close meaningful situations so basically you can just handle a relationship really well like your attachment style is just like you're secure you're like it's perfect yeah very secure very trusting yes very trusting yes maybe i fall in that one maybe you do fall in that one i i don't think i fall in that one unfortunately it says here which one did you think i was gonna fall in this one so this one you thought i was gonna fall in not straight off the bat i think okay i think yes probably in your like previous relationships but i don't think that would be your approach now

no but maybe in the past though i think that's very much i think i definitely have always trusted people i love close relationships but also i've really i actually like being on my own that's why i think i've always done long distance not because I've wanted a long distance relationship like everyone thinks yeah because I'm always in them but um I think because I love being close to people but at the same time I'm I like my own space too you know I think yeah but then I do become I'm very much zero or hundred if I'm in a relationship you've got a hundred percent of me that's oh one million kind of where I go wrong yeah yes but okay maybe yes before that you definitely had a secure attachment style which I think is like the nicest one because like a secure attachment style in like an adult relationship like these are some of the examples they appreciate their self-worth and are able to be themselves in

an intimate relationship they're comfortable expressing feelings hopes and needs they're similarly happy for their partner to rely on them for support and when they're faced with setbacks in life they're resilient enough to bounce back and to me that just sounds like I think that's just like the ideal relationship situation really yeah and I feel like I sound really I don't know not stuck up but I feel like I sound I'm not just saying I fit that category but I would like to consider myself that I fit that category I mean yeah you can completely disagree I would very much think that I fit in that category I think I'm very much more of a relationship person I like being in a relationship you are such a

relationship girl like compared to me you are such a relationship person yeah I feel like it's like every summer if well I say this guys every summer like as if I always have boyfriends it's crazy the amount of people that always think of a boy I've had three boyfriends since I was 14 that isn't that's like 10 years everyone yeah and everyone makes out I'm always in a relationship for some reason anyways um every summer that I've been single and I was like just stay single for the summer then you can get in a relationship because I'm like oh I need I need another girl to be single with do I mean like hot girl summer like when we had our hot girl summer last year that was amazing and I loved that do you know what it was but do you realize i still never act on it that's my thing that's why the idea of being

single sounds so fun to me but for an example i would never just go up to a guy in a club like you know this but i just yeah i don't know what it is i feel so awkward talk not okay this makes you sound i definitely could be confident but I I cringe at myself talking to guys out in public I don't know I'd maybe also because the industry we're in when we Hannah and I go to places a lot of people recognize us or film us from afar so I don't want to start speaking to somebody because I feel oh I just cringe myself out I think that's why I don't like being single because not I don't like being single but I don't get the excitement so much of it because I don't even oh I don't know I don't

know if I'm wording this correctly no I know what you're saying I feel like like I mean I've been single for a yeah about a year now and like it doesn't excite me anymore being single I think I'm just so used to being single that I don't know how to know because I also know how to act in a relationship I don't know what I'm trying to say but like I think I'm just so used to being this way that like that is just how I am now it's going to take like a lot to be able to change you're very independent you very much do your own thing so yeah it makes sense as to why also we both love party and this is the thing I can definitely go out and party everyone knows that oh my girl can party in a blue moon yeah but I go out once in a blue I feel like I go out not that often and party whereas you go out most weekends and party so I

feel like you're just used to being single whereas Whereas I don't do that as a such. Maybe I need to do that more. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. I mean, to be honest, even when I'm going out though,

like I'm not speaking to boys. Like I don't, I wouldn't stand in a bar and speak to boys. I'm just going out with my friends. And because I think we're all single. Well, yeah, we're nearly all of us.

Everyone's just in the same boat of like, oh, let's just go out. We've got nothing else to do. Whereas like I have started to have those thoughts again now of like oh like it would actually be nice to go on a cute date night tonight joe like those thoughts are starting to creep back into my mind so maybe she's i think just also when i'm out all the guys that come up to me i don't know i just i don't think i'll ever meet my husband on a night out or in a bar or in a club.

Cause I don't know when they come up to me, I think to myself, how many girls they gone up to tonight? That's, I don't know. Maybe that's just my attitude towards it. Maybe. I feel like I've met some lovely people on nights out.

Nothing that's ever gone like further. I don't think I've, I've never met someone on a night out that's then gone on to like a date like that's never happened um but I feel like I just don't really have much hope in that situation like I would love to be able to go out and like meet my like a boyfriend organically but like you're right like I guess you never know how many people they've gone up to before you that night like you might be like the fifth girl they've gone up to and been like you're really pretty can I buy you a drink and I don't really want that either. So, but then also actually, you've probably got more chance.

You've got more chance than matching with people on a dating app or messaging actually then going to buy a drink. I tend to, maybe we're just, I don't know where we go with this conversation, guys. I'm actually sorry. Well,

I'm just in a bit of a weird phase with relationships right now. Let's go. I'm just in a bit of a weird phase with relationships right now. Customize your casino page with our new favorite and recently played games tabs. And to top it all off, quick and secure withdrawals. Get more everything with FanDuel Sportsbook and Casino. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600. Visit connectsontario.ca. I'm going back to university for $0 delivery fee. Up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Not whatever you think university is for.

Get Uber one for students with deals this good everyone wants to be a student join for just $4.99 a month savings make very eligibility and member terms apply let's go the next attachment style we're going to do is the anxious attachment style so this is i've experienced this before this was the first like attachment style that i experienced in like a situation ship um and it says they crave emotional intimacy but worry that the others don't want to be with them a lot of their self-worth rests on how they feel they're being treated in the relationship and they tend to overreact to any perceived threats to the relationship and they need constant reassurance and lots of attention from your partner

so I'll definitely take the lots of attention if I could add that to the top one that's definitely me yeah I like I like the attention but it's the first one that like screamed to me like they crave the intimacy but worry that other person doesn't want that that like I was so anxious about that the entire situation yeah but I think it's because it was a situation ship and we've always said that in that you don't know where you stand so I literally just felt anxious the whole time of like am I too much am I yeah yeah am I do it like does he like me does he not like because you weren't being honest with each other so I think I then developed that attachment style in that situation and once you develop that one it's kind of hard to switch off because you're used to like very much so

you're used to dealing with situations like that um so that was but then because of that right this is what I know about the attachment styles the next one is the avoidant one and this is what happened to me in my relationship i i had this like avoidant attachment style because i was so scared of like being anxious again and giving everything so the avoidant one okay says they tend to find this is in your actual relationship this you had this yeah this was in like my actual relationship and You feel like you had this? Yeah, this was in my actual relationship. And it says, they tend to find it difficult to tolerate emotional intimacy

and they value their independence and freedom to the point where they can feel uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness in a romantic relationship. Which just screams... Me. It actually does scream you. It really screams me it really does it's funny because when you're around people you're like the most comfortable person i've probably ever known like you'll know

someone two minutes and you'll you'll get changed in front of them oh yeah naked get changed she's got anna's got no guard up in that sense whereas i wouldn't do that so it's funny how in a relationship you feel like that more so and i can completely understand how the situation you was in before would trigger that i can completely understand because now you'd think i don't want to get myself in that state again that i'm just going to put up a guard yes that is literally what it is and it's that you're so right when I'm like with people I've just met for 10 minutes I can I'll get my boobs out not in a weird way but I'll just be changing my top my boobs will be out and I won't

think about it but then if I was like people around there are like do we look yeah and I'm like yeah I'm not even doing a weird way I think I'm just like I don't know maybe me and my friends just weird but we always just like get changed in front of each other. I don't know. So I just feel very comfortable doing that with people. But then like when it comes to a relationship, like I think I get so awkward now, even though I want that,

like somebody to be so open with me. If someone was, I actually don't know properly how to react, but more so because I'm scared on how to react. But then I think when I meet the right person, like, oh no. This is what I was about to react but then I think when I meet the right person like oh no this is what I was about to say do you think if you meet the right person because I completely understand there's these attachment styles however I do very much think obviously obviously it's a personal thing but I do think your partner has a big play in it

oh yeah if you had if you was in a relationship where a guy constantly was showing you I don't know your love language for an example you probably aren't going to have the anxious attachment style I mean you might be like that in a person in the sense that you you know you might um always crave attention and always want more and always need validation but if your partner is doing pretty much that anyway I don't know I feel like it's very 50 50 I feel like obviously it's your own personality if you're gonna okay so if I read some of them like lacking in self-esteem yeah obviously it does matter what your partner says that makes that's a huge play in it but if you're somebody that doesn't have any

confidence yourself it doesn't really matter what your partner says you're still going to feel that way so I feel like it's very much a 50 50 thing I really do think if you meet the right person you might not so much have this certain attachment style and I think a lot of us could probably fit a lot of these attachment styles in different relationships yes that is exactly it it's all I think of course it is comes down to how you feel as a person but it's also how that other person treats you into what forms your attachment style like yeah because that's how I've experienced two of them but I would like to think I would be I can be the first one but I think it's just gonna take

that person first one yeah because I think I have elements like all of them I know for a fact you're so confident yeah I don't there's yeah you have so many close relationships you're yeah you're your self-esteem is you know you're never you're never low self-esteem I mean obviously we all have those days but yeah of course you're not like as a whole you're a very confident independent person that can very easily get attached to people and close to people yeah so you could easily fit that top category I think for you the only reason you haven't is just because the relationships that you've been in and actually your relationship he was really great to you but I think the reason you obviously felt like that was because of your

situation before 100 I think my whole attachment style and a whole like um like direction I would the relationship would have gone in would have been completely different if i hadn't have experienced that anxious attachment style before because i would have never have known what that felt like so i wouldn't have been as scared and avoidant yeah whereas i once you've experienced that it's like oh fuck i don't want to do that again so then you kind of put your guard up. Let's go. After decades of shaky hands caused by debilitating tremors, Sunnybrook was the only hospital in Canada who could provide Andy with something special.

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Okay, after reading all three then, do you think you're the top one? Do you still think you're the, do you think you've still, do you think you've still do you think you're still gonna have that attitude towards your next relationship I hate to I say I say I hate to say it but yes my thing is is okay personally I think a lot of my friends have vouched for me as well I definitely think I'm the first one um I think I've only ever been the first one and after my last relationship I was like I'm not going to be like that anymore I'm not going to trust people I'm not going to do this I'm not going to do that and I do think I'm going to be a lot better at maybe not giving a hundred percent straight away which obviously is actually a secure attachment style but I don't think I should necessarily do

that because I do think that I trust people too easily. Yeah. I still don't know if I'd hit the anxious attachment style. Just, it's not my personality trait. Yeah. It really isn't. And if I get hurt again, I think I would just think for fuck's sake.

Yeah. And yeah. And also I feel like, I feel like you're, I mean, I was very young and naive when I got in that situation, but I feel like we're at an age now where like, you wouldn't be able to let yourself get into a situation where you'd feel anxious in the relationship I don't think I ever allow myself yet if somebody made me feel that way I know I wouldn't be in that relationship

yeah I think the reason I've always had a secure attachment style is because of my parents it's what I've seen 100% ever known and so me, they have such a good relationship that I don't know. I just wouldn't let somebody treat me differently to how my dad treats my mom. I just wouldn't. And I think that's because that's what I've grown up. That's what I've known. That's what I've only ever wanted. Yeah.

I've seen. So I think even when I was super young and I was in a two and a half year relationship when I was super young, I was in a two and a half year relationship when I was super young I was what 14 yeah I would like to think then I still had even a secure relationship style relationship style attachment yeah definitely and you're right like it is like what you're surrounded by that is going to influence the way that you look on relationships because I feel like me and you are polar opposite in that sense of like my mum and dad didn't have that so I have no idea what like uh an amazing long loving relationship looks like which I think is why I'm so like oh god about it and why I've gone to like the hyper like independence but do you think then to round this

off do you think you could date someone that has a different attachment style to you to say if someone was if they were anxious about the relationship and like needed that reassurance and stuff actually saying that yes i have dated people like that and would you do it again like do you think that you know i don't think so i also think okay hear me out maybe this is a big statement especially as we're ending this oh gosh I feel very much like anxious people are way more likely to cheat in a relationship than somebody that's secure in the relationship because of course a lot of the time I personally think that people who are going to cheat in a relationship it's because they think that somebody else is

going to do it to them yeah and yeah you're right if someone is secure in a relationship they're not going to cheat because why would you cheat yeah but but even so I think I mean I don't know you can be secure in a relationship and you can just be somebody that cheats you can be somebody that isn't loyal so you can still I think you definitely can still do that even if you're in a secure relationship if you're gonna cheat you're gonna cheat that's you know some people that's just the way they will always be they'll never change but I do also think if you're somebody that's anxious and constantly scared of somebody else doing it you're probably more likely to go out and do it yourself so well maybe because the only

reason they're scared about yeah they're scared about like the other person doing it but maybe they're more scared because they know they have it in them to do it yeah so maybe that's how they get the anxious attachment style yeah yeah potentially I've never thought about it like that but that could be very true they're like projecting their insecurities onto the other person because they know they have it in them to do it i've always said that about people that cheat i've always always always said that anyone that thinks you're if your partner thinks you're gonna cheat oh good i don't actually want to cause things here but sorry if your partner thinks this i would if your partner thinks you're gonna cheat guarantee it's probably because they're doing

it themselves yeah well if my partner said and they know what is done yeah if my partner said to me you're gonna cheat on me why are you even asking me that why are you even insinuating that like that's like giving them no reason to think that yeah yeah absolutely no reason to think that it's a very bizarre thing anyway it's an it's an extremely anxious attachment style thing to do but I'm glad we're talking about this because I feel like I am working on myself getting myself back to the secure attachment style and I know that like in my next relationship that is the way that I'm going to approach it because I've done so much growing I feel like I've experienced all the other attachment styles that I now know that I'm not going to do that in future relationships so I'm taking a leaf out of your book and I'm going

to go into the next one with a secure mindset still independent but secure mindset you can easily do that that's your personality you've got this yeah I've got this I know I've got this it's just fuck me it's a lot of stress a lot of self-work gotta go on I know I know it's honestly it's terrifying but I'm gonna do it guys by the end of this year I'm telling you I'm gonna have worked on myself that's what I'm doing this year working on the attachment styles and the next relationship's gonna go amazing I'm putting out there i'm manifesting it put it out there absolutely well that is everything for today everyone be sure to check us out on socials and subscribe to the pod on spotify so you don't miss out on all of the future goss and we will see you on tuesday for our next episode bye everyone bye guys