Sex, Lies & DM Slides - 92. Your Dilemmas - Am I Dating The Wrong People?!

Episode Date: June 26, 2024

We are back with another one of our absolute FAVE episodes! Yes, you guessed it: we are answering MORE of your dating dilemmas. In today's episode, we discuss what to do when your boyfriend of 10 years doesn't want to have sex with you, tips on dating with anxiety and how to deal with it when a boy says ‘I like you but I’m not ready.' Plus, we give our hot take on one of your more *gross* dilemmas. You'll have to listen to find out! As always, these are anonymous and we aren’t dating experts, we are just giving you our opinions on your questions. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit connectsontario.ca. hello everyone welcome back to sex lies and dm slides it is thursday which means we are back for another bonus episode so in tuesday's episode we spoke about the three loves theory but today we are back with our absolute favorite thing to do and it is answering your dating dilemmas i love this i'm so ready for this i love this i could honestly sit and do this every single episode like i'm sorry i know it's like not amazing for you guys because you're in situations but i just love hearing about the messy stuff that is going on I just love it okay the first one my boyfriend of 10 years doesn't want to have sex with me I've tried and he says no what should I do well okay personally I think this is a huge part of a relationship.

When I say personally, I'm sure everybody can agree. This is a huge factor in a relationship. Honestly, I think if it was me, first of all, I feel like it's hard, right? Because we never get full context. So in relationships, I definitely think you go through stages right you have a honeymoon stage and then you kind of I don't know yeah I definitely think you have stages especially when it comes to your sex life I think it's a very normal thing you know if it's been a couple of weeks I really wouldn't keep it that much if it was longer than a couple

of weeks and time and it had gone on and on and it was getting on to a few months something's personally from I don't know I don't even know this is the advice because I feel bad even saying this but I would personally think something's very wrong I 10 years is a really long time to be with someone right and obviously I've not been in a 10-year relationship I don't know what that feels like but of course like Saf said there's going to be ups and downs and situations in the relationship where you're probably not going to sleep with each other as much I 10 years in like I think I would still want to have a sex life like I think that is you're right it's what takes the

relationship from like just being a friendship to a relationship because you're intimate with each other and I think that is so important in the relationship to keep that intimacy and the fact that you've tried and he says no obviously isn't ideal I think maybe sit down and talk to him about it and say how you're feeling and ask if there's any particular reason as to why he doesn't want to have sex with you at the moment or you know what could be causing the problem but I think you're only going to find out if you speak to him which I know isn't going to be an easy conversation to have because nobody really wants to sit there and say to their boyfriend why don't you want to have sex with me but I think that's the only

option that you've got especially if you've tried and he says no just so then you can have clarity yeah I think you definitely definitely need that conversation I know personally it'd make me lose a lot of confidence within myself and definitely make me feel a certain way and you definitely shouldn't be feeling like that so yeah I definitely think you need to have a conversation with him and I don't think that's yeah like I said I know 10 years is such a long time but I don't think that's that's still not a normal thing that's not normal no and of course I will go through stages yeah a couple of weeks I don't I don't know what the context is but for somebody to literally be saying no I don't know I think that's yeah I think it's personally I think it's very strange because even if you don't want to you know say it'd been two weeks and you still didn't want to because you're just you just can't be

bothered say you just can't be bothered right because it's effort it is effort if you're not in the mood it's effort right it just is so even if you can't be bothered for your partner I feel like you just would for someone you've been with for 10 years to just keep saying no yeah I think you definitely need to speak to him I mean that's the only option you've got here speak to him try and be honest about how you're feeling and say that you know if it is making you feel some sort of way just communicate that with him i'm sure he's going to understand you've been together a lifetime like you've been together 10 years um so yeah i think definitely speak to him hey you yeah you scrolling trolling TikTok and avoiding your chem homework? Chegg here. Hot take. You've

seen enough Bama Rush, ASMR keyboard, and viral dance videos for one day. Let's lock in and start that assignment. If you need a little help, lean on Chegg's expert-supported learning tools. I say this with love. Put on some lo-fi beats and get going with our step-by-step study support. Your weekend will thank you. Small steps today means big wins tomorrow. With Chegg. Subscribe today. You got this.

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I tell you what you do is you don't, you don't sweet to him anymore because you just don't do it. That is a boy, not a man. One. And two, for somebody to say they're not ready they don't want that relationship enough I can I'm sorry I'm this is back on it's it's literally black and white they don't want the relationship enough yeah you can like I've been in many mindsets where I'm like oh I don't want't want something. But when you meet the right person, it will change and you want something.

And it doesn't mean that you're not amazing, by the way. Obviously, us saying, oh, when you meet the right person, it probably makes you think, oh, great. Well, I'm not good enough for that person. That's not the case. Do you know what? I do think it's meeting the right person, but I don't actually think it is that. I think it's personally, I think it is more than that because I think sometimes people can come along at a right time where somebody has decided

to change within themselves. I feel like a lot of guys that I know, it hasn't necessarily been the person. They might say, oh, this person changed me. But I think they were willing to change themselves beforehand. And I think that's why they got into that relationship. Yeah, no one is ever gonna be able to change a man just like no one would be able to change a woman like they have

to want to change for themselves and if he is saying he's not ready that is like nothing on you that is completely him um and that's a problem that he needs to deal with but I personally don't think you should wait around for him I don't think that's fair on you i don't think it's fair on your emotions you're only going to get deeper involved in the situation by thinking about it all the time because you'll always think oh well he's not ready yet but like when he's yet like he might be ready in the future don't wait around for it it i promise you like it's not worth it and the right person will want to be with you like then and there there won't be an excuse. So my advice there would just be please don't wait around.

Yes. And I very, very much vouch for that. And like I said, yeah, I don't think it's not that you're not an amazing person or the right person. I think this person clearly needs to work on themselves first or I don't know do whatever they need to do before they decide I want a relationship and I want to change because I've witnessed this way too many times with a lot of my guy friends and I can I can assure you that is the case so I know it really sucks but it's just yeah like I said it's it's just not worth your time right number three

number three i've been dating people but just not feeling that spark am i not ready to date or am i just dating the wrong people this has happened to me where like i and i think to be honest I think everyone who is dating goes through this uh like like here is not the right word but like time in their dating experience where you've been dating people and you kind of lose hope a bit because you'll see those success stories around you everyone's meeting people and you just feel like you're not having that you're not hitting it off with anybody and I don't think that it's you're not ready to date because you're going on dates you're doing you're putting yourself out there I generally think it is that you just haven't met

that person which is annoying and it can really start to piss you off when you've probably been on like five dates and you're still thinking what is going on but that is annoyingly part of dating you have to trial and error and experience different types of men until you click with one and some people will be really lucky and they'll click with somebody on the first date they'll be their first ever person they've met off a dating app or whatever and they're flying like that's it they're together but for a lot of people that's not the case like for me that is definitely not the case I have scrolled through many people on hinge and I don't think I found that spark with that special person yet um but I don't think it's that you're not

ready to date I personally just think it's that your person is still out there just you haven't met them yet I very much agree with that I think that's wise words I would give my opinion on it, but it's very much similar to Anna's. So yeah, basically I couldn't agree more. You said it perfectly, Anna. Dating app queen, me over here. I've got you girls. Okay, number four. My anxiety is stopping me from putting myself out there because I'm scared no one will want me.

Do you have any tips? I do have a tip. Go on. My tip is you need to person, well, okay. If you stop dating, it probably would make you more nervous the next time you go on a date. But I think the issue is,

and I don't say this in a, I don't even know how to, again, I don't say this in a I don't even know how to again I don't say this in a way to make you feel bad about yourself at all I've been through this we've I think all of us have been through this everybody has insecurities but I genuinely think the reason you feel like this is because you don't have enough self-love genuinely Genuinely. I know it's really stereotypical. You've probably heard it a thousand times before, but I really don't think you can love someone else until you love yourself. And I think you constantly having this feeling that no one's going to want you. Either something's happened in your past that I think would have triggered that, or otherwise

you don't have enough self-love for yourself because if you love yourself and you're confident about yourself even if you had those doubts you would know in the back of your mind well I know that I'm good enough and I feel this way about myself and so I think the thing that you need to do which I know is super hard to do is really to just work on finding self-love which is so much easier said than done it probably seems like I have loads of self-love I really don't I'm yeah you know we all have massive insecurities and I can vouch for me I have a lot of insecurities we all do we all literally do so it's something I think all of us have to work on every day but personally if I ever felt like this, which, you know, I would have done in the past,

I think I would sit down and figure out what, you know, I'm not very confident in, how I think I can work on myself, the way that I talk to myself. Even now, I try and talk to myself. I know that I talk to myself very differently to how I did two years ago, just because it makes me feel better within myself. And it gives me a lot more self-love. If I'm talking negatively to myself every day, that's all I'm going to know.

I feel like your brain doesn't really know any difference to how you talk to it. So if you keep telling yourself, and you might think, but I'm really confident, but you can't be if you feel that way. If you feel like somebody else is going to feel that way about you I think Saf has worded it perfectly it is all down to self-love and it's a really daunting feeling that like not wanting to put yourself out there because you're scared

somebody won't want you but that is what like it I mean I can't really add much more to what Saf said to be honest it is all down self- i have felt like that before i have felt like i'm gonna put myself on hinge and no one's gonna want me because you've probably maybe faced rejection in the past and it's quite hard to bounce back from from that once you've already been like knocked down a bit and you're feeling a bit shit but it is a hundred percent all to do with self-love and once you've built yourself back up a little bit, you're going to go out there and start dating again in a whole new mindset,

in a really positive mindset, which is amazing. And that's what you need for dating. But I think 100% make sure that you, and no one's ever going to be, well, if you are amazing, but 100% happy with themselves, right? That is what I've learned.

Like I always thought I would be, and I don't think I always thought I would be and I don't think I ever will be but you can hit a point where you're like right I'm happy enough in my own life and happy enough within myself now where I can let somebody else in and once you feel like you're near that point again I feel like all your confidence will come back it's just something that takes time yeah and also just to add to, I felt like anxiety and confidence are also two very different things. Like I completely understand confidence isn't what you're addressing. I'm somebody who weirdly enough, I never, ever, ever used to get, but the last two years,

all my friends know I get anxiety and I don't really talk about it online because people like to tell me that I don't even though that I know that I do to the point where I used to get it so badly didn't I Anna that I genuinely couldn't breathe when I'd go out I used to get so anxious but I wasn't not confident like I was a confident person but when I'd get anxiety it'd make me not confident so yeah it it would knock your confidence. I do think they'd come hand in hand. So yeah, I'm not underestimating anxiety and how anxious you just must feel. Because I think even if you have lots of confidence, you might still get the anxiety and feel anxious.

But at least in the back of your mind, you will know I love myself the way that I am. Even if it mind you will know i love myself the way that i am even if it's not 100 i love myself the way that i am so if he feels like he doesn't want me then that's his loss 100 and that's a lovely way to to word that one let's go it's a new day how can you make the most of it with your membership rewards points? Earn points on everyday purchases. Use them for that long-awaited vacation. You can earn points almost anywhere, and they never expire.

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The future is clear. It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company. To discover how, visit bhp.com slash better future. Let's go. Okay, we've got one more. This one, I don't know what the fuck. How? Someone said, someone wants to know,

how do I tell him he needs to brush his teeth? Oh, stop. No, no, no, no, no, no the the hygiene thing really gets me like bad hygiene really bugs me and you shouldn't really have to tell someone to do that no um so i mean yeah what advice do we give here? Because, yeah, you could tell him, but you really shouldn't have to. And it just gives me the ick. That really gives me the ick, and I don't know why. The teeth thing really gives me the ick.

I mean, even if he didn't shower, like, oh, the teeth has got to be the worst. Not brushing your teeth has got to be the worst one. I'm not kissing somebody that hasn't brushed their teeth. I can assure you. If you're kissing throughout the day and the worst not brushing your teeth has got to be the worst one i'm not kissing somebody they haven't brushed their teeth well then we're gonna say like sure you if you're kissing throughout the day and he's not brushing your teeth surely his breath absolutely stinks like i want to know about his other hygiene levels like is he showering is he doing everything else or is it just this one thing for some reason that he's just not brushing his teeth i really don't know but that's bizarre i think baby you really shouldn't have to tell him but i think maybe just tell him once and if you can go over and good for you but i can

yeah and see if it improves um if it doesn't then personally that is probably something that i wouldn't be able to get over no i couldn't do you know i would think i would just say have you not brushed your teeth like I don't know say you had breakfast oh I'm gonna go brush my teeth do you wanna come brush your teeth should we go brush our teeth yeah

if he said no I would then probably say well when are you brushing your teeth have you brushed your teeth before breakfast then but imagine if he imagined if he lied and said yeah

and he hadn't maybe do you know what a lot of people do brush their teeth in the shower but i mean i feel like a smell is a very obvious thing yeah oh yeah smell if somebody's brushed their teeth or not but i know a lot of people that do brush their teeth uh in the shower do you do i don't think i've ever brushed my teeth in the shower uh i think i have maybe once when i was in a massive brush yeah i was gonna say i can imagine it's more of

like a shit i need to go sort of thing rather than i can't imagine like fully getting in the shower with my toothbrush and my toothpaste i've never like i know you mean yeah no neither i've only done it when i'm i've only done it when i'm in a rush yeah but like okay yeah maybe he does it in the shower i don't know but i think just maybe ask him once politely and be like I'll brush your teeth if not then to me that would be a deal breaker and me big no on the bad hygiene stuff okay so that's all for the dating dilemmas we have so many more so let us know if you want to see another episode like this and don't forget that you can also dm us on instagram with your dating dilemmas on our page sex size podcast or you can dm anna and i individually but you're probably best just sending it to the podcast page because we grab most of the

dms from there um but thank you so much for listening hopefully we gave some good advice and i'm really sorry if i came across harsh i feel for everyone that's ever said in a dilemma doing it is i just don't like people getting walked all over but we're doing it out of love more than myself yeah it's all it's all out of love you need sometimes you need someone to just you know be be harsh on you and i'm trying to be that person because i'm not having anyone be a mortal over. And I'm telling you now, if he's not ready, he ain't the one. So I'm just letting you know. I know it's really shit, but he's not the one.

Thank you for listening and we shall see you on Tuesday. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Sex Size and DM Size is a Spotify original podcast. It was produced by Spirit Studios.