Sex, Love, and What Else Matters - Adversity Advantage with Doug Bopst

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

Episode 54. This week, Kristen and Luke are joined by Doug Bopst, author, trainer, and host of the Adversity Advantage Podcast. They talk about the importance of loving yourself before you can love others, ways to develop confidence, gaining a healthy relationship with fitness, and so much more. They also share stories about some of their worst dates ever! Tune in now to find out. Sponsors: Go to Quince.com/doute to get free shipping and 365-day returns on your next order. Head to TRYFUM.com and use code DOUTE to save an additional 10% off your order today. LMNT is offering a free sample pack with any purchase, that’s 8 single serving packets FREE with any LMNT order. Get yours at DrinkLMNT.com/DOUTE.  Cozy Earth provided an exclusive offer for my listener’s today. Up to35% off site wide when you use the code “DOUTE”  Follow us: @kristendoute @luke__broderick Email us: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi you guys, I'm Kat and I hope you come hang out with me on KatSatlerNow. On my weekly podcast I continue to ask the questions. I've been interviewing people for more than 25 years now, but that doesn't mean I found all the answers. Make sure to listen to KatSatlerNow wherever you get your podcasts. Hello gorgeous magical listeners, how are you guys doing today? Welcome back to another episode of Sex of Love and What else Matters? Hello Luke. Hey Kristen. As always, Luke and I are here. And we have a lovely friend of mine who has an amazing podcast. I have been lucky enough to be on his podcast as a guest before. We have Doug Boaps.

He is the podcast host of the adversity vantage with Doug Boaps. I was a guest on your podcast lucky enough to be and what I love about your podcast is turning trials into triumphs. And so obviously you and Luke and I were talking off the podcast yesterday and I have lots of questions for you. But the one thing I really want to know that can kind of get this jump started for us is like, I love your mindset about turning your, like, universities into advantages, trials into triumphs. And how is this mindset affected,

like, dating life, your relationship styles? That's a great question. I mean, I think because growing up and when I was really insecure as a kid and when I was addicted to drugs and just living like a pretty unhealthy lifestyle, I saw dating as a way and when I was addicted to drugs and just living like a pretty unhealthy lifestyle, I saw dating as a way to seek validation. And because of that, whenever things wouldn't go my way with dating, I would see it as a direct reflection of myself and I would take

it hyper personally. And that even carried on into my early 20s, like after I got out of jail and transformed my life to where I thought that if somebody said no to me for a date or if somebody didn't want to get a relationship with me or whatever it was, that it was a massive form of adversity for me and that I had to like then go into like self-pity and feel sorry for myself and play the victim. And as I've learned just through therapy and doing a bunch of work on myself and talking to people who are relationship experts, I've learned so much that if I don't have a healthy relationship with myself, that dating will become a massive adversity for me because I'm never going to be a piece with somebody else

if I can't be a piece with myself. Yeah, that makes so much sense and that makes me think, you know, in my younger days, I'd put so much emphasis on asking a specific person out. It wasn't like, oh, randomly struck up a conversation at the dog park or something, and then it's like, do you want to grab a drink? Something that happened more naturally. I'd put all this emphasis on asking someone out

and then take it personally when I'd get turned down. I've been through that type of mindset. Yeah, I mean, I couldn't agree with you more honestly in my years of therapy dog just knowing it's sort of like that cliche, you know, you can't love anybody else if you don't love yourself. It's even hard to accept love truly if you don't love yourself. So I love that mindset, I think, as adults, especially as we get older, it's like a really important to put more emphasis on ourselves and that, you know, then the doors open to meet all the right people that are supposed to be in your life.

Yeah. And like to Luke's point, like one of the things that I really struggled with was like the fear of the outcome for me became greater than the fear in itself. And what I mean by that is I was so afraid to ask somebody out in public because I was like, all right, if they say no, that means every other girl is going to reject me. Because that's a direct reflection on me and that means every other girl is gonna reject me. Cause that's a direct reflection on me and that I'm gonna be this failure.

And once I got over that and just realized it if somebody says no to me, I don't wanna say it's about them more than me, because I don't think that's the right context, I just think it's not the right person for me at that time. And once I was able to accept that and just continue to work on myself, I found that dating has become, I don't want

to say easier because I think it's never really easy when you're single and dating. However, I think it's become less about how can I get validated from asking this person out or letting that person's opinion of me dictate how I feel about myself and more about, okay, I just got to stay the course and make sure that I'm working on myself so that I can find the right person. Yeah, totally. And something that you said yesterday that I kind of want to get into is that you were saying, what I wrote down when we were just chit-chatting was again about the self-love, but like, like essentially you're becoming more attractive when you are confident

in how you feel about yourself and you were talking, I also want to talk a little bit about like dating to filivoid because that was something that we touched on that really struck a chord with me. Tailing off of what you said there too, I think I relate very much to the things you're saying from my previous dating life and I always found when I took the emphasis off of the pursuit, it be things came easier. You know, like you said, when I was focusing on myself, when I got myself busy enough with leagues and work

or picking up another job, and I'm focused, I got the confidence in what I'm doing. I mean, I felt like it did become easier. I'll say it. Like, girls notice that. They sense the confidence that comes from someone that knows what they're doing, knows where they're going. That's how I feel like it has worked for me and that's advice.

I try to give my friends if I've got, I do have buddies that are single and they'll be like, why can't I find anybody and they're just so hung up and emphasizing that they need someone. I'm like, just get busy, focus on yourself, get better. And the girls will notice, do you agree? You think that's how that played out pretty much? Of course. And I think also for me is I didn't really know myself.

I didn't really have a true identity of who I was. And so I spent a good bit of my life trying to please other people or trying to fit into a box that I wasn't meant to fit into or trying to be like somebody that I thought people would want. Like, you know, I talked, we touched on like the external validation thing yesterday and the reason I shared that was because growing up because I was, you know, I was bullied a lot. I was picked on.

I didn't have any luck with girls. And I saw people that were happy and like my friend, group, or at school, they were dating the girls. They were athletic. They were happy. So I was like, all right, if I can just get to that place in my life where I am in great shape, I'm getting attention from pretty girls, like my problems will go away. And it became this rude awakening for me because I just, I chased this, this pursuit, right?

And then once I got there, I realized that was more miserable than before. And the reason I was is because I felt like I just wasted all of this mental and emotional energy on trying to get these things for the wrong reasons. And I think part of it was that I had drifted away to some level and who I truly was as a person because I was trying to do whatever I could to get attention from other people. And I think when you do that, it becomes a slippery slope

to where now, you do that for long enough of a time. You end up becoming so far removed for who you are at your core that you're not yourself. And that becomes unattractive to people because people can tell when you're not being yourself right away. And once I stopped putting myself worth into the hands of other people and just started to, like Luke said, like,

paying attention to myself confidence, what I was doing, keeping myself busy and not, like, over-indexing on dating so much, I just found that a lot of the stress of it kind of went away. And the thing, what I think the cool, I don't know if it's like the juxtaposition of that, the cool thing is for you and your journey and your life, and what I know and anyone, everyone who listens to your podcast knows that fitness ended up becoming such a big part of your journey, but it was for you.

Rather than kind of what you were just saying, how at first you would like, well, if I do this, then the girls will like me, right? But like fitness became such a part of your journey, but you found a way to do it that it was just for yourself. Yeah, because I found fitness when I was in jail. And up until that point, I was somebody that used adversity in my complete disadvantage. Because of all the stuff I mentioned before, on top of not having luck with girls and feeling sorry for myself, I used drugs and selling drugs as a way to deal with all that and blame everybody else for my problems.

Then I got the jail, my cellmate got me into exercising, and it was the first time really in my entire life that I realized that I had power during hard times. That just because something was difficult doesn't mean that I need to push it away or make it more difficult because I couldn't run for my problems anymore when I was in jail. So it taught me the importance of like reattaching behavior to emotion, meaning like before I went to jail, when I was stressed, if I get rejected by a girl,

or whatever the example was, I would use a drug just to push the pain away, and that would just end up causing more pain long term. So exercise became this great catalyst for me to help change the way that I dealt with my emotions. And part of the way I dealt with it was thinking about people who rejected me and people who bullied me and using that as fuel, like, letting, like, processing my anger. And then, like, once I saw some progress in jail, I decided to continue on the path

when I got out. And I did set my sights on becoming, like, ripped because I was like, all right, if I become ripped, then more girls are like, me at least the girls that on becoming ripped because I was like, all right, if I become ripped, then more girls are like, me at least the girls that I was interested in will like me. And what I found was because I wasn't happy with myself, I started to develop an unhealthy relationship with fitness

and not in a way where I was exercising for like five hours a day, but I would get to like 10% body fat. And I would notice, well, Doug, you're still not having luck with women. Like maybe it's time to get to 10% body fat. And I would notice, well, Doug, you're still not having luck with women. Like maybe it's time to get to 8% body fat or seven. And I played that game for a long time. And then I found myself miserable because I'm like, what the heck? I'm like, 5% body fat.

I'm ripped. I'm successful as a trainer, but I'm still miserable in the way I see myself. I still saw myself as the fat Doug from growing up and the insecure Doug. And that's what forced me into therapy and really getting understanding like why I felt that way and why I was feeling like why I was feeling that way and why I had developed this persona of the old version of me and I couldn't let that go. And so just working through that, I was able to understand that the way that,

you know, I looked, doesn't necessarily influence, you know, what people think of me, or the way that I feel about myself is the most important thing. It doesn't matter from getting attention from girls. Like, if I'm not comfortable with myself, it doesn't matter. And I started to develop a healthier relationship with fitness to where it was part of my life. It wasn't my whole life, because in my 20s, I was just worried about staying clean and not doing the drugs that I was abusing again. So I really didn't focus too much on my dating life

like shortly after I got out of jail because I was so committed to recovery. But even then when I would start to consider dating, I was like, well, if I go out, am I gonna be able to eat something healthy? Am I going to be able to have something sweet or whatever it was? Because I felt insecure that if I ate something unhealthy, that would mean that that could derail my progress or be. If I didn't show that I was human, that I felt like that person would judge me a bit for being like too hard on myself. And so the reason I share this is because it all came together.

Like my relationship with fitness, my relationship with how I saw women, external validation, it all came together in therapy and just really working on myself internally and in developing this strong sense of inner self and inner trust really helped me transform the relationship with external validation. Who, like who that hit me hard? I love it. It's a hell of a journey. How's it going now?

You on the apps, you got a girlfriend? What's it? I was in a relationship for a while, a couple years ago, and then since the pandemic, I mean, I've dated randomly here and there, but I mean, no, I haven't really been like in a relationship in a few years, and I'm not. I honestly before, I would have felt super insecure and like, down haven't really been like in a relationship in a few years and I'm not. I honestly before, I would have felt super insecure and like down on myself and been like, you're a loser if you're single, right?

But now I'm like, I'm so comfortable with myself and I like the independence that I'm like, all right, like I'm gonna actively like do what I can to meet somebody. I'm not like gonna, you know, stay at home all the time. However, I know that if I don't meet that person tomorrow, it doesn't mean that I'm any less of a human being. Or I'm not gonna settle and just date to date. Because I used to do that too.

I used to just go out to date on dates just to fill my calendar or to tell people on a Monday that I had this stacked weekend with dates. And there was just a lot of emptiness there that I just felt like I was wasting my time and I was just, I was not doing it for the right reasons. Awesome, well. Yeah, I was like, all of this is just hitting me so hard

because I'm very much in tune with a lot of the things you're saying. Hope throughout my journey before therapy. And I love as a dude and as a strong man, as a guest on here that you talk on here, that you talk about there, and you talk about this self-love journey, because I think in my personal experience, as I've gotten older, maybe I've met more men

that are a little more open like that, but I think in my personal experience, a lot of men are nervous about their fear, nervous about being more open about, you know, their trials and their tribulations and all of that because they think it makes them look like less manly, where in my opinion, as a woman, I think it's like the hottest thing on the face of the planet, when a guy can be emotionally intelligent

enough to talk about everything that we're discussing today. So I just want to say hats off to you. In that way, even though I know this is like totally your jam. You guys, I was so excited to finally receive my new pieces from Quince. I got some of the most comfortable tops and pants I have ever worn, and they've become a uniform for me now, honestly. Summers here and your wardrobe needs an upgrade, right? Instead of flimsy fast fashion haul, spend your money wisely on high quality essentials

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destructive habits by picking up the journey pack today. Head to trifume.com and use code DOTY to save 10% off when you get the journey pack today. That's trifum.com and use code DOTY to save an additional 10% off of your order today. So what are your some of your like self-love routines or some things that you do to make sure you get yourself the right mindset. My journey being single for Kristen and I started dating got together. I had like this morning, I did a morning meditation. I'd say gratitude's out loud.

These things to get my head in the right mindset to kind of clear some anxiety. I do get occasional social anxiety. If I have like too many social events, I will not want to be around people. And I've noticed that I have more control of that if I do practice that literally saying the gratitude out loud saying, you know, I appreciate this roof over my head, the food in my table, my awesome family, you know,

the health of my pets, those things, I don't know, but things in perspective to start today. I'm just curious what your habits are. Well, I think first, it's for me, you know You know, I think I think growing up I had a lot of trust issues I had to deal with because my parents got divorced when I was young and and so I was just taught from a young age in a way that You know, there's gonna trust can be broken right and I think that has impact on relationships and then other things that happen Throughout the course of my life like you know fed into that I'm not saying that is is a way to feel sorry for myself and are as a victim, but it's more just the reality of what I've learned where a lot of my intimacy issues had come from was where I didn't trust other people because of that. And when

I was able to understand why it made a lot of sense to me and I was like, oh, that makes sense, I can move forward. So a lot of it has come down to just rebuilding trust within my, like trusting myself and just following through with my intentions. If I say that I'm going to get up tomorrow morning at 6am, I'm getting up tomorrow morning at 6am. If I say that tomorrow I'm going to, you know, spend two to three hours like working on a book, then I'm going to spend two to three hours working on a book. And just when I, when you do that long enough, I think you just, your mind just kind of matches your mind and body like sync up and like, oh, like I trust what this person says. So that's one thing. I definitely think like there's

no better form of self love than then exercise and just moving your body doesn't necessarily mean that I'm at the gym for an hour to every single day. Sometimes the best form of exercise for me is an hour long walk with my dog. Sometimes it's a hike. Sometimes it is like this morning, like lifting weights to the gym or running. I try to mix it up because I think that, like listen, there's not many things that give you the long-term benefits of exercise. Exercise helps you with yourself confidence, yourself discipline, and obviously there's health benefit, physical health benefits that people are familiar with. It helps you with consistency. It helps you with like goal setting and moving forward. So for somebody who's like looking to make a transformation or improve themselves or move on from their past like exercise

It keeps you moving forward. It keeps you like just working towards something. So I always recommend that is a great way for people to improve Self-love. I honestly think that it's really important who you spend time with because think that it's really important who you spend time with because if you're spending time with like 10 people and they're all negative, complaining, maybe you're like they're cracking jokes on you or whatever, then you're going to feel like pretty bad about yourself because that's what your environment is creating for you. And then when you step out of that and you start spending time with people that actually want the best in you And that sort of thing, you realize the importance of who you spend time with. So that also like spirituality is a big thing for me. I mean, I'm a Christian, but I don't push that on anybody else.

That just works for me. I also meditate and do breath work and stuff like that. It's just this combination of spirituality, following through with my intentions, spending time with the right people, making sure I'm moving my body. And then yes, like Luke, I love how you talked about gratitude because I think it is important to be thankful for what you do have in your life and not what you don't have. Because if you focus on everything that you don't have in your life, then I think you set yourself up to be in a pretty

negative mindset. Yeah, I got an agree more. No, same. And Luke has to, at times, I mean, I'd like to think I'm a fairly positive person. I know I can also be a people pleaser and that gets me to a point where I'm then, at times, one of my faults is like being that kind of Debbie Downer where I'm just like a venting machine for a minute and I have to stop myself and remember like,

Luke, it's all going to hell. Yeah, I'm like, I've got a lot of downward spiral. At this whole like, it's all going to hell. Yeah, and like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm all the downward spiral. This whole day is just raw, you know, and Luke reminds me often, like, go back to the gratitude, go back to the gratitude in the second that you can stop that, because listen, we're all human, right? Where I'm perfectly flawed.

We've been saying that a lot lately. But even with being perfectly flawed, doesn't make an excuse to be like a soul-sucking vampire by being the complaining friend or the or that person and gratitude definitely shifts my brain very quickly. But I want to go really quick not to like talk all about exercise even though I know it's like so your thing. But something that Luke and I have talked to a lot of like sex therapists about and relationship

therapists is that and not only does exercise in general have all the benefits you said, but sleep and sex. It's wild to me like how much that's been emphasized to us by different sex therapists that exercise helps you sleep at night, gets you your your body on like a normal clock, and also enhances your sex life almost far more than anything else you could do. Definitely. Yeah. I agree with all that. It's good for a lot of things. You wear your body out, you're going to get better sleep in my experience. Listen, I think people are attracted to people who exercise and I think it's just, I mean, yes, I think there's a physical component to it, but I also

think when you see somebody who is fit, you know that they like themselves, they take care of themselves, they're disciplined, they care about like longevity and living a longer life. And I just think when you see somebody who is fit, you know that they like themselves, they take care of themselves, they're disciplined, they care about longevity and living a longer life. And I just think that that creates some level of attractiveness between the two people when that happens. And I do think that when you're having sex, you're obviously using certain muscles, right? And I think when you exercise, you're able to strengthen those muscles and you're able to become more flexible and stuff like that, which I think could only help people's

sex life. I do also think, obviously, that when you exercise, it improves the quality of your sleep and that when you improve your sleep, you're not only going to be able to have more energy throughout the day to do whatever it is you want to do, but I think you'll become a better partner overall because you'll be able to regulate things like your mood and your emotions and just how you feel about yourself, which I think all play into interpersonal relationships. Yeah, so I'm wondering for like all of, well, just for everyone listening right now, but especially all of our dudes out there

because I think this is, I love having like two men on this podcast, like I've said it once, I'll say to a million times, I started this podcast because I'm fascinated by the psychology behind the way men think, first the way women think. There is science to it, you know? So for the men that are listening and the women, because I'm interested in this,

like I agree with you about everything you're saying, like on the self love and you know, filling a void and like all of those things, but I think for some people, it's like, yes, I can do those things. I'm gonna write all these things down and I'm gonna start this, you know, tomorrow morning, but maybe it doesn't come so easily. So if you have any advice on that,

and I think something that's weighing on me is like, okay, tomorrow I'm gonna do ABCD and then, oh crap, well I didn't do that one thing Doug recommended. So now, here we go, you know, I gotta start all over. Are you asking pretty much how to increase your personal discipline or the ability to, like you said, Doug, the way you say you're going to do something and you make sure you do it. That gives you that self worth. It's like, yes, I can trust myself.

I just think for anyone that maybe finds it a little more difficult to nail all these things down right away, if you have advice, like getting started in a healthier lifestyle. Listen, you got to start with where you're at. if you have advice like getting started in a healthier lifestyle. Listen, you got to start with where you're at. I mean, a lot of my biggest gains in self-confidence came when I was in jail when I was able to do a push-up, like a push-up from my knees, or I was able to do like a set of 10 push-ups

from my feet or able to walk around a certain amount of time. It didn't come when I was able to do the 100 push-ups, which I've been able to do the 100 push-ups, which I've been able to do. And I say that because a lot of people would think that in order to get this immense level of self-confidence that you have to be able to go from zero to 100. And what I'm saying is the biggest growth in self-confidence, a lot of times, comes from that zero to one, zero to two, zero to three, like zero to three, this on the scale.

So if you're somebody that hasn't exercised in like 10 years, it's very unrealistic for you to say, I'm gonna commit to exercising every day this week. And I think a lot of people fail on exercise routines or any kind of routine where they're like looking to change something dramatically because of unrealistic expectations. So what I advocate for, if you're somebody who hasn't exercised for a period of time,

the win is to go outside and just maybe walk for five minutes. And then you see how you feel after that and chances are, you're gonna feel good. You're gonna be like, wow, I finally got off the couch after not doing it for 10 years and move my body for five minutes. I feel great. And honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

I'm gonna do it again tomorrow. I'm gonna do it again tomorrow. I'm gonna do it again in two days and then five minutes turns into six minutes and turns into seven minutes and then you see where I'm going with this and then like three months down the road. Now that same person is running like a 5K and that didn't start from just going from couch to 5K.

That started from couch to walking five minutes a day to six minutes to seven minutes and then maybe you're jogging and then maybe you're running a little bit. So I think it is about understanding where you're at, and if you're somebody who has an exercise in a long time, just think about where are some small wins that you can fit into your day,

and into your week, build off of that. Now again, if you're somebody that has exercised regularly and you're in a routine and you wanna amp it up, and that's a different conversation. There's different ways you can do that as well. But I think what you're asking is like the person who's overwhelmed, there may be not doing what they want to be doing and they want to develop some more discipline.

I think it's about starting small and trying to stack some small wins that we'll add up over time. Yeah, I was like, oh, I was asking for a friend. That friend is me. That's what I was asking in the entire time. Luke was like, looking at me going, like, oh, I was asking for a friend. That friend is me. That's what I was asking in the entire time. Luke was like looking at me going, like, yep, Kristen, just one step at a time.

Get back there, because I used to be that girl that worked out all the time. And then when it slowed down, I'm like, man, how do I get back there? Because I know it would help with my anxiety. It would help me be a better partner, a better friend. I just want to lighten things up a little bit. I love this conversation, everything, but for the listeners,

do you have like a good, bad date story? Like where things just went off the rails, either from your side or her side? Do you have a good story? We love good, weird stories. Um, let me see. I mean, I've definitely had my fair share of bad dating stories.

Oh, yeah, we all have. I would say like one where I was like in the wrong, I remember, and this is like something you totally should never do on a date is like being on your phone a lot. I was getting ready to go up to New York for a really big media opportunity a few years ago and ended up getting canceled at the last minute.

And I'm on the phone with my publicist and just trying to like work things out. And I was so distracted. And this girl that I was talking to, we were supposed to go out that weekend. But then I had got called to do this media thing, so I had to cancel on her. But then I texted her and I was like,

hey, I can actually meet up. So I knew it was a bad idea because I was so pissed off that I had just like paid for this hotel. I was getting ready to get into an Uber to go up to the, I think I was going to the train station and everything kind of blew up my face, I think I was going to the train station and Everything kind of blew up my face and so I ended up going and I was completely distracted I'm like texting with my publicist. I'm like, you know all over the place And it really pissed her off and I just I remember that moment. I was a man a

Don't ever bring your phone in for me at least on a on a date like that with somebody you've already seen and be That if you're not for me if I'm not feeling the energy of of doing it just to be honest if I'm not if I'm not feeling like an energy of spending time with somebody because I just think that that was such a really bad moment for me because I just felt so terrible afterwards. There was there's been times though where and again this is when I say this it's not this isn't me judging somebody this is just just reality of, I think, what happens with online dating where I like to think that my pictures on my apps are pretty recent and relevant, right? And so I've matched with people at times where I thought that I was seeing somebody and then

I would get to like the coffee shop. And I looked around for this person and I couldn't see them. And when I finally like tracked me down and say, hey, to like the coffee shop. And I looked around for this person and I couldn't see them. And when I finally like tracked me down and I say, hey, dog, dog, dog, I looked and they looked completely different than they did in their pictures. And so I'm like, man,

and now I'm completely like unattracted because I'm like, all right, you're starting the date off of the lie. Like you don't. Right. And it's not it. So it's not about image for me. It's more about honesty. And it's like if you're lying about this,

then like, what else are you going to lie about? And this tiny little thing, you couldn't just be you in a photo. So like, like, are you from somewhere else? Are you married? Like, what the hell? Yeah. So it's like, this person was like, dog, dog, and I'm turning around. I'm like, looking at like, who was, who was like talking to me? Because I I'm turning around. I'm like, looking at who was talking to me, because I didn't see the person that I thought that I was supposed to see. And then...

So how'd that date go? It didn't really go well, so I was already kind of checked out because I was already unattracted, like I would have unswiped or whatever. And then another thing that happened in a very similar vein is that the date was just completely going sideways.

We just didn't have a lot in common. Like she was saying stuff that I totally, I didn't even like agree with, and I was like, there's no way we're gonna be a match. And she was super, super loud. And like really, like people were like, kind of looking at us in this coffee shop. It's like, how can I get out of this?

How can I get out of this? Oh my God, yeah. So how do you get out of it? So I just was like, I said something about my dog. You know, I think using an excuse with your dog is always a good one. I just said my dog is like, I gotta get home and take care of my dog. He's been home for a while or something like that. Of course. Sorry to interrupt you. I hope that's not comically

fucking us in the universe because I totally do the same thing. It's hard because I don't, I look at that now and I'm like, should I just have just sat it out and waited it through, but then I'm also like, by waste time. Yeah. And that was years ago. So now I probably would have maybe handled it differently. And then like, Hey, I just don't think this is a match. But again, that was, that was also during a time where I was kind of feeling

a little insecure. And then if I felt if I said something like that, then I would have, like been worried about hurting your feelings or something like that. Yeah. So I thought it's a question that I have for both you and Luke, actually, that I'm curious about because me, just as, hey, I'm a chick, duh, but like a kind of a people, please, they're like, do both of you have like a difficult time lack of a better word rejecting somebody to eat, like,

or if you were to meet someone and they're of women's hitting on you and you're just really not feeling it, or you go on the state, you just know that it's not vibing. What do you do? Because of course, you're both really awesome, genuine, sweet guys. You don't want to hurt someone, but like, how do you handle that?

Well, I mean, it's changed over the years, because like I said, that situation that happened years ago, I would have handled totally different now because I'm much more mature and comfortable with myself and I was back then and I wasn't worried about as much about what other people thought of me. Now, I would just simply say, hey, listen, I think you're a great person. Like, I think you deserve to be with somebody who sees the potential in a long-term relationship. Like, unfortunately, it's just not there for me and I really don't want to waste your time because I know you deserve to be with somebody

who's going to make that time free or something like that to where you're being honest because I don't think, listen, I don't think I would go out with somebody who I didn't think was a decent person at their core. And you're also giving them what they want. They want to be able to know that they're gonna be able to be with somebody.

It's gonna give them the time of day and it's gonna be committed to being in a long-term relationship with them if that's what they want. Wait, so there's a little bit of truth to, it's not you, it's me. It's kind of what we're saying. I've never used that as an excuse, it usually is me. There was me, but I'll say personally, I've never been good at this stuff you just said,

though, like I admittedly have been bad about communicating that feeling. I'm not good at rejecting because I've known, I know like you were saying how it felt like when you were more in our heads and in our hearts and put too much emphasis on a date and then it's like, am I gonna put them through this? And you try to ease it and it ends up dragging it out longer,

or at least I did, this is some of my flaws and faults from dating in the past. But yeah, I'll say I don't have a story where I've actually handled it well, I did, this is some of my flaws and faults from dating in the past. But yeah, I'll say I don't have a story where I've actually handled it well, I don't think. So you would basically go on and say dates, kind of drag them along until you basically would push them away? Yeah, I've never ended a date with, look, I don't think this is going anywhere. There have been some that afterward when you say, bye, didn't go super well,

and you're pretty confident they're on the same page. That then communication the next day or next time was just like, yeah, you know, I come up with something, excuse me, like, I'm going to be out of town, you know, I'll reach out to you later another time, and I don't know, I've been always been bad about that. One thing I used to be really bad about in the context of what Luke just said is that I used to be if somebody like canceled on me for a date, I used to do whatever I could to make sure that I could get it rescheduled with them

because it was like myself, steam and my validation depended upon whether or not that person was interested in me. And so if people kept canceling on me and rescheduling, I would do what I could to like make sure it got rescheduled. And then once I started to work on myself, I started to just see the value and respecting my own like time with that and being like, all right, if this person's

gonna cancel on me like multiple times, then they're not the person for me because they don't value my time and they lose respect for you, right? Because if you don't respect yourself in your own time, how are you gonna expect somebody to do the same? And so I was in a situation not too long ago where somebody kept trying to reschedule with me

and I just said, listen, I'm so busy the next month and I definitely wanted to spend time with you but I can't keep rescheduling like every three days or whatever, every two or three days we're supposed to meet up. And then this person, of course, became super obsessive and wanted to do whatever they could to see me because I think it's because when you stand up for yourself

and put your foot down, that becomes more attractive to somebody else. Yeah, you set a boundary, your confidence showed. Like, yeah, your self-worth was important, and that's like one of the hottest things ever. And there's a big difference, ladies out there. I'll say between confidence and ego because an ego-driven person for me is not attractive, but yet the confidence and the self-worth and that you have your own shit going on is

like one of the sexiest qualities I think that like a man can have. Do you find it easy or easy now? Because obviously you've talked about your past, but I'm always fascinated when I was single, like if a guy were to walk up to me in a public restaurant, or bar a park wherever it is, right? And if he had the confidence to actually walk up and say hello in a way that didn't feel, you know, that didn't feel that he was crossing a boundary, right?

But like in a gentlemanly kind of way, that is not something I have ever had the balls to do as a single person. Do you find it now like something you're very comfortable doing? I mean, I still struggle with it. If I'm being honest, like if I see somebody that I'm attracted to like in a store or at like the gym or something, it's like, you know,

sometimes I'll say something and then the conversation strikes and maybe I get a phone number. And sometimes I'm like, man, I should have said something to that person and I didn't or I'll like just go back and forth in my head like at the gym especially. I'm like, man, is it creepy to like talk to, does she want to be talked to with the gym because there's a lot of girls It don't want to be talked to with the gym like that's right like a pretty known thing That's like when I'm at the gym like I'm just trying to take care of myself and do my thing Which I totally understand and respect right? So I mean, I'm definitely not perfect. I'm a lot better than I used to be because before I would never even do it

Because of the some of the fears I talked about before But now you know if I do it I do it and if I don't I try to learn from like why I didn't I did or didn't do what I wanted to The gym thing is interesting because I totally agree with you on that where I part of me Like I felt two different ways just now when you were when you were saying that like part of me was like Yeah, because would I be weirded out? Or not weirded out, maybe that's the wrong way to say it. But just annoyed or frustrated when I'm trying to focus. But also, if you're both in the same place doing something that you love,

that you clearly then have in common, why not? You know what I'm saying? That's such an interesting sort of line. How do you feel about Luke? Like, if you were at the gym, like, is you love to work out? So if like a girl came up to you when you were focused in working out.

And Doug, if a girl walked up to you, I mean, I know you're saying, maybe it's different between men and women if you were to approach a woman, but what if the woman approached you at the gym when you were hyper focused? How would you feel? Both of you, I'm curious.

I mean, I honestly wouldn't mind, but I just have heard from my friends that are girls that are like, we don't wanna be bothered or working for the gym. And I'm sure there's women that don't mind, but for the most part, I've heard that, especially when someone's in the middle

of like a sad, don't bother when they're doing the middle of doing something. I couldn't agree more. I think the way, at least in college, the way I try to navigate that when I was single, was like, you know, a conversation that has to do with working out, like, you know, you almost finish that, you know, I want to get a set in on this machine,

something to just initiate it, a small compliment, and move on because you don't want to like pull aside from your workout to focus on a conversation. So a little something that's like, okay, broke the ice, we can both keep going with our workouts and maybe we'll run into each other in the parking lot because that'd be an easier way to have a conversation. I've never tried to strike up a full-on conversation

and the gym while I'm doing a workout because I got sets I'm trying to get through too. Yeah, okay, fair enough. And what is your view point now, or has it changed? How do you feel like do you want marriage? Are you do you want children? Are you just kind of like letting life take the flow and just going with the flow?

I mean, it's such a nuanced answer for me. I mean, would I like to be married someday? Yeah, would I like kids? Yes. Am I gonna be upset if it doesn't happen? I mean, maybe, but I'm not gonna let that stop me from living my life and moving forward. You know, I'm right now in a phase where,

I'm not gonna get married just to get married. Like I'm not going to have kids just for the sake of having kids. I mean, ideally, I put myself in, I hopefully put myself in situations where I meet somebody that I'm aligned with enough to pursue a long-term relationship and then that leads to something like marriage in kids.

But, you know, I'm not going to, you know, have that be the end all be all for the way I feel about myself. I mean, but it is, I think, important while in the context of letting things happen and just going with the flow that you do have to, like, put yourself out there, like you can't sit on the couch and just say, I'm going to go with the flow and then expect somebody to come into your life. Like, it's me and, you know, traveling and networking and meeting people and talking to friends and even coming on a podcast like this, which is relationship-focused and maybe there's people listening to this that are single. And they're like, I'm saying, oh, ladies, he's single.

And not that that's why I come on this podcast, but it's an honest thing of what happens in the world we live in with social media where somebody will listen to a conversation, they'll follow me. Maybe I like see what they're about on social media. I might send them a DM. They might DM me and plenty of people meet that way now. Yeah, I was just gonna say,

have you guys ever slid into DMs or had girls slid into your DMs? Like, I've never had a guy slid, I mean, I've had some, well, when I say, I've had much, much older, like one photo, no followers, type people slid into my DMs. I'm still calling bullshit on that. much older, like one photo, no followers, type people slide into my DMs. I'm still calling bullshit on that. I'm still calling that.

I've never had anyone even slightly close to my age that has had like a normal, like, hello, how are you DM? It's always like. I slid into your DMs. You might have had a boyfriend at the time, but I was just catching up with you. Look back, if you go all the way back. Absolutely. So you slid into the DMs, you might have had a boyfriend at a time, but I was just catching up with you. Look back, if you go all the way back.

Absolutely. So you slid into the DM of a girl that was taking it. I didn't know. I did. A few piece of shit, no I'm just joking. I lived a thousand miles away too. It's not like I was just gonna show up at your door. But a lot of my girlfriends actually that are single here in LA

are kind of like getting sick of the whole dating app thing and they really are doing the Instagram thing. I've found it to be effective for me. I mean not like I'm not in a relationship now, but I've met and gone out on more dates with people that I've met on Instagram. And I say that because there's again, it's just like the gym. There's a certain percentage of people that are like I don't want to be talked to on a social media in regards to dating them on here for whatever reason. However, I think there's a lot of people on there that are kind of feeling the same thing. It's like, all right, on Instagram, I can see what somebody's about way more than I can in the

context of a dating app because in a dating app, I mean, yes, like social media people are putting their best foot forward. I get that. But on dating apps, they're really putting their best foot forward. Like, they're not posting, like, you know, some of the stuff they've done on the weekends that you might not want you to know about or whatever. And you know, and on like social media, you can get like a broader context of what somebody's about. And so I think if you're polite about like, I'm never like rude to somebody, you know, you can start to spark about conversation. And then the worst thing that somebody says is they don't respond or they're like, Hey, like, I have

a boyfriend or I'm not interested or whatever. And then you worst thing that somebody says is they don't respond or they're like, hey, like, I have a boyfriend or I'm not interested or whatever. And then you move on. Yeah, like no harm, no foul. Yeah. Yeah. The only app I haven't tried is Raya. I mean, I'm sure I could get on because it's like, I think you have to have like two referrals and I have friends who have been on it or something.

Raya never let me on. No. No. All of my friends are on Raya and I was on a waiting list for years and years. I'm still just utterly convinced that my girlfriend, Stasi, who's now married, impregnant with her second child, but many, many moons ago when we were on Vanderpump rules, they were trying to get Stasi to be on a dating app as far as like for us filming because we were both single and she wanted to be on Raya and production reached out to Raya and you know Raya is like fight club like the

first rules you don't talk about Raya so they immediately kicked her off. Production got her back on and then she went on Theobon's podcast and said she saw Raya and Lockty on Raya and Raya was like two strikes bitch you're out. So I feel like when I tried to get on it, like a couple of years ago, they were like, or yeah, it was like three years ago, that they were just like, nah, nah, we're not messing with you, girl.

But I liked hinge when I did use a dating app for a minute. That was the only one I was really into. Bumble worked for me, but only, I mean, that was like 2015. I don't know, Bumble's like still a thing, is it? It is. There's actually a lawsuit for discrimination. Because because they don't allow them into start the conversation. It was like the whole draw to right, but it is kind of discrimination.

Isn't Tinder considered like just like a sex app now? Or do people still date on Tinder? I've never, I've never really used Tinder. I mean, I've used like Bumble. I've met some people in, I've met some people like match match dot com back in the day. I met a lot of people there, but I haven't, I'm honestly not that active on the apps. Like I just, I probably could do a better job, but I've also like, all right, I've had more luck on Instagram. And not that I use that as it's not a dating app for me, but it's like, again, I think if you're interested in somebody, you're able to message somebody and just say, Hey, what's up?

Yeah. Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? Yeah. I was in, so that was my, my last relationship was long distance for like over a year. Like how far, how far of a distance are we talking? You don't have to give me like cities or anything, but like across the country. Oh, no, halfway across the country. Okay. So it's basically like what Luke and I did. It was my first time ever doing a long distance thing, but it wasn't that difficult actually.

We tried to just do like weeks at a time, like try to go no longer in a few weeks. We were lucky that we're both entrepreneurs with flexible schedules were able to, yeah, be in multiple places for that kind of extended time. Obviously, it wouldn't work if either of us had a typical job where we got to take PTO to see each other. Yeah, for sure.

How was that? I mean, obviously, you were in an actual relationship, but did the distance part that affect your relationship? I mean, I think from my experience, when you're long distance, you have to do much more planning to make sure that you're getting in quality time. Because otherwise, it's just sometimes that can just fall to the way side. And because you're already sacrificing

like the intimacy that might occur, given that you're so far away, so you have to make it a point that you spend more time with each other and you're in more communication. I think in just trying to find creative ways to maintain connection when you're not gonna see each other for a few weeks or a month or two months or whatever the example is.

I mean, I'm not opposed to it just because it's probably a good thing for me now, given that I am so busy and that I don't know if I could just be immediately ready to like settle down and commit to a serious like in-person relationship like at this second, that it would at least just give me some time to get to know somebody and I'm also in a position where I own my own business and I'm not like

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I actually have one time taking a girl on a first date to a football game. You know, that's like how that's a big commitment. Oh, kind of genius if they're into it, but I was like nervous going into it. Like, what if this is terrible? Like, it's a big time commitment, right? Doug, like, I got a funny football dating story. Yeah. I forgot that I, so I was talking to this girl for maybe a month or so.

We were talking and then there was like, tell me how she was going away an hour north and she would just stay the night and I was just like, okay, I never really thought anything of it. But then the more it happened, I was like, she had a boyfriend and she like talking to somebody else in a serious way. And then we weren't committed to each other, so it didn't really matter, but I was like, just curious. And then, weeks went on, weeks went on.

And then I remember like, we went out like, probably like seven or eight times, and she was all about like monogamy and dating a single person or one. So I'm like, all right, I'm gonna ask her if she wants to like get serious. And when I asked her, she gave me this really lukewarm answer where she didn't say no,

but didn't say yes, it was just a very odd thing. But she kept wanting to still see me. I was just like, this is so weird. And I knew it wasn't because she just didn't want like the validations specifically from me. At least I didn't feel that way in that moment. I get felt like whenever we would hang out, we had great conversation, we had a great time.

So one of my clients, they had a suite at the Ravens stadium. And I think it was new, I think it was New Year's. And they offered me tickets to go to the game. And I was like, well, sure, I'm not gonna turn down like free tickets in a suite. So I ended up taking her and then my dog, I had to put up in like, there's like a doggy daycare right near me,

and my phone was gonna die, so I texted her like the number of the doggy daycare to tell them, like, when I was picking them up, because you had to confirm, like, if it was after a certain time at night, you had to like tell them when you were picking them up or you had to pick them up the next day. And so, I went down to go charge my phone,

like, half at half time of the game, and I was like, hey, can I see your the next day. And so I went down to go charge my phone, like half at half time of the game, and I was like, hey, can I see your phone? So I called the doggy daycare, and I opened up her phone, and I was in her phone as like Rachel or something. It was something like a different, like a totally, like I was like a girl's name. And I was just like,

she's shaking. And she starts like shaking, right? And I'm like, I knew exactly what was up, and it all made sense. I was like, I'm clearly like the side person, right? And that she's in a relationship. And she then she told me that, because I thought it was weird, like before the game, I met up with like her sister and her sister,

boyfriend, and we were just talking. And her sister was like, oh my god, you're so such a good dude. You're so much better than this and that. And I was like, why is she saying all this stuff? Oh my god. And so then, like this girl, I was like, she starts, like, kind of panicking and I just said,

she thought I was gonna be like super angry and I was, and I honestly was like relieved because I was like, it all makes sense. Right. And that's where I was. Like, you're not crazy. Yeah. I was like, no, I'm not mad. I understand, but this all makes sense now. And she's like, you know, I wanted to be committed to you,

but I've been in seeing this guy for the last, like, six months or nine months and blah, blah, blah. And you're supposed to, I was supposed to break up with him when I haven't, but I want to be like committed to you and I just said, okay, and then we ended up like hanging out the rest of the night and then we made plans to see each other like a couple of days later and then she bailed on me and that was it.

Like I just like put my foot down and was like, I'm not, I'm not playing this game with you anymore. Oh my God. It won't be your Rachel. Yeah. Like my jaw. Right, I won't be your Rachel. Yeah, I don't think so. Like my jaw is like on the floor if you guys could see my face right now because I don't even know what I would do if I were in that position and like, same exact thing. Like, oh, I gotta call the doggy daycare.

And it says, like, my name's like Matt or something like that. I would be like, what in the actual hell is happening right now? There aren't many brighter red flags than that one. Yeah. Oh, no. I mean, I was a huge red flag and it was also like, I kind of felt bad because I think there's a lot of people that do that and they never get caught and then things just fizzle out

and you never, and I never would have known. But that, like, I caught her like red handed in the moment where there was no hiding from it and she was just shaking so bad because she was like, I guess embarrassed, scared, all the things, but. Oh, of course. What blows my mind is that you were like hanging out with like her sister

and her sister's boyfriend. So it sounds like they were campaigning against this other guy. 100%. They were like, stop seeing this dude. Yeah. They're like, we were team dog. Well, and she was asking me all these really serious questions. Like, she was asking me like, we talked about monogamy,

and then she talked about like, she was like, well, how is your temper? She was asked what my temper, and she was asking me about like, do you think, do I think like watching porn is healthy in a relationship? Like, serious questions that you would ask somebody that you're like wanting to get into a relationship with. Like, I think understanding somebody's temperament is important, I think understanding someone's relationship with porn is important if in a really, all those things. And then like it made sense why she was asking me if I had a temper because I guess like certain guys may have like exploded on her right.

Oh, she's clearly going, are you any of the things that this guy is that I really don't want to be with, but for some reason I'm not breaking up with him. Like she's just going down the checklist and you're like checking all the boxes of the good stuff yet you were Rachel. I'm just impressed. You finished the date.

I mean, that's impressive. Oh. Well, it was like, it was like, New Year's Eve. I'm in a suite at the Ravens game. I'm like, all right, well, I can either just somehow just go home or I can just make the most of the rest of the night. And this was like later on in my,

I'm not dating career, but like, you know, at that point where I was talking about how I was very insecure and worried about what people thought of me, I had grown a lot at that point. And I was like, all right, like, I want to be like the bigger person. And I want to like show her that when she does move, even though I'm not interested in her,

the good guys do exist. And then I'm not going to sit there and just sabotage her because she made a mistake. And that was a really big opportunity for growth for me because I could have easily just gotten really, really upset with her and just yelled or whatever. And I didn't. And I also was just polite and just finished the night.

Because I mean, I'm sure other guys might have just left her there, right? Yeah, totally. And which I didn't do. Yeah, that's respectable. Nice guys are still out there, ladies. Nice guys who have their shit together. So when you see red flags, run from them.

Run from them. Be attracted to the green flags I think that's a thing with a lot of girls a lot of my girlfriends It's almost like oh well. He might just be too good to be true like he's so nice There's gotta be something wrong or like how about maybe some guys are just actually good people who work on themselves It's a fact. Yeah people who work on themselves. It's a fact. Yeah. Because it me it's hard right because I think that it's hard. It's there's a difference between being like a nice guy and then being like kind and compassionate. I think like it's a double edge sword to where if you're just too nice and then you just let people walk all over you like the

example of when somebody like cancels on you for dates like multiple times and you know that's like they do the same thing. It's like, all right, you can say, you can, you can put your foot down and respect yourself while also being polite and compassionate, without like being, you know, being a jerk, but you can also, if you are too nice about it, and like, yeah, we can do it, we can do it then, we can do it then. Then that person starts to lose respect for you because you're being nice to a fault where you're not even like valuing your own self. Yeah, like becoming a doormat, which is everything you've worked so hard to overcome and not be. So did this girl from the football day hit you up after the canceled date?

I think she apologized because she was like a so out of character, blah, blah, blah. Of course, I understood, but I didn't really believe it. Because I mean, we had like mutual friends. And so I got to that happen. I was just like asking some of my friends, I was like, wait, I gotta like figure something out. Like what happened? Like, I can't, because I was, I had never experienced that before

to where I had somebody just put me in their phone as a girl to hide the fact that like I was like the new shiny object or whatever. And it really impacted my level of trust because there's been other situations where people have broken my trust early on in dating. And so I was like, man, do I have to be on edge all the time? And it took some practice to just let loose, be comfortable, but also to, like when I see red flags or I have a hint of a red flag to quickly abort mission because there were some early red flags in that relationship where you know, she

would tell me that you know, she was interested in just dating one guy and then she would talk about like going on these random trips all the time and staying the night or you know that when she wasn't she wasn't interested in being serious with me. I probably should have just cut it off then and been like, hey, it's all good. Like, let me know if things change. And so I've gotten a lot better at that where I stand up for myself in those situations when I could easily just play it out when it's unnecessary.

I have another question, because we were just talking to, last week, my friend of mine named Joey, who lives out in New York. And I'm curious what your stance, and even in your slew, because I don't think you tapped into when Joey was talking about this. But Joey was just saying he's not a small talk kind of guy.

He's actually a recovering addict. He's been, he's sober, like super awesome dude, talkative, funny, great man. But he says like he hates small talk. So when he goes in to dates, he's like, this is who I am, here's all my shit, you know, kind of take it or leave it kind of thing. And I agree with that.

I think as I've learned, especially through therapy, not that I'm gonna like dump my trauma on you on date number one or like all of my baggage or whatever, but I do think there's something to like, yeah, we all put our best foot forward when you start dating, you know, you definitely want to shine a little brighter, but what are you, how do you, and Luke, also, I don't need a way in on this, but like, what is your approach in that way? Because you know yourself so well, right? And you've gone through the therapy and you've had your disadvantages and your trials and all of that.

So now when you go into dates, are you the small talk kind or do you kind of go, this is who I am? Here's my shit. I mean, I think it's a little bit of both. I mean, I definitely see what Joey's saying, and I agree that I can't. It's hard for me to just have surface level conversations given the profession that I'm in, and then podcasts, or I'm a coach,

I'm also in recovery, like all these things that have forced me to do a lot of like introspective and self-discovery work to where I'm interested in having those types of conversations. It's not like I want to spend every date talking about trauma because I certainly don't want to do that either, right? I love talking about sports. I love talking about culture and stuff like that to where you can have like deep conversations around that. I mean, I'm in a different situation because, you know, if say somebody listening to this and they're like interested in me, all they have to do is Google me and my story's out there.

Like, you don't be plenty of, you know, if you Google me, you'll see that I was, you know, in jail and that I, in turn my life around all that stuff. So, and the same thing with like if they see me on social media. And so, I say that because when I go in there, I already assume, in many ways, that somebody already knows about some of my past. And so, I don't go in like just dump it on them. I try to just casually talk. And if somebody asks me a question like, hey, like, what inspired your podcast,

I'm honest about it. And I'm like, when I talk about why I started it, or somebody asked me a question like, hey, like, what inspired your podcast? I'm honest about it. And I'm like, when I talk about why I started it or if somebody asked me how I got into fitness, I'm honest about it. But I don't like go in there within the first two seconds. I'm like, hey, I'm Doug. I was in jail. I used to abuse drugs. I mean, I have some trauma. And I think there's a lot of people that maybe that you shouldn't even do that with anyway on a first date. And it doesn't mean that they're not the right fit or the bad person for you. It just means that maybe their level of comfort isn't there yet and nor should it be for them and just talk about every red flag they've experienced in previous relationships or their trauma or whatever. And I just think you have to see where things go.

If you just are picking up on a vibe, this person likes to talk about personal development and let it ride. But if you notice the person's a little closed off, this person likes to talk about personal development and let it ride. But if, you notice the person's a little closed off, then maybe get to know them a little bit more, let them get to know you a little bit more before like go and deep. And then you're like, so do you like football? They're like, no, you're like, okay, I forget it. We have nothing left now. Well, if I said, do you like dogs?

And they said, no, I'm the guy. Yeah, that's an easy one, right? You're like, no, I'm terrified or no, I don't like dogs. I'd be like, this isn't gonna work. No, it was really nice to meet you. You seem really nice, but I'm gonna have to go. Yeah. Luke, what was your thoughts on that?

You know, I'd like to feel out the vibe before, you know, dumping stuff. I've had, I think, feel like kind of the opposite happen. Like, I got no relationship really fast. This was in my mid-20s. And the girl I was with just, I felt like she just dumped all this trauma on me and made it feel like, okay, this is your problem now.

And I'm like, okay. And maybe she'd have gotten that out of the way before. We, you know, put a label on it and we were gonna do the whole thing. But yeah, I don't know, I'm cautious because that affected me. It was like an eye opener, I was like in shock, like holy shit, been through the ringer.

And it seems like it's, you're telling me, I need to, these are the things I'm gonna have to deal with. I don't know. I'm gonna write out the gate, that's the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like easing into it, like sure, don't, I don't know, it hadn't come up yet. We got to the point where we're dating, so obviously some of those things should have come out sooner.

I am definitely not the first person. Not the person who would be like, yeah, my parents are divorced. And I don't have, I guess, a major other adversity, but I would definitely have a very strange life. Yeah, that's fair. So. I mean, I just, because before you and I started dating, when I was on hinge for like a minute,

and went on just a couple of dates, but for me, being in the very odd career that I was in before becoming a podcast host, it was like, I tried to get the guy to talk about himself as much as humanly possible, so he could not ask me what I did for a living. I was like, it's weird. I'm an entertainment.

It's a little bit odd, and then people immediately thought I was important. Because I said I was like in television or like entertainment, but I didn't really want to talk about it. And it would literally come down both guys I went out with straight up, were like, are you in the porn field? I'm like, oh God, no, I'm not. Yeah, because I didn't want to talk about it. And it would literally come down both both guys I went out with straight up were like, are you in the porn

field? I'm like, Oh, God, no, I'm not. Yeah, because I didn't want to talk about it, because I didn't know how to go about something like that. So I did find myself in that very brief time of being single, sort of just dumping my shit and going, this is who I am, this is what I did for a living, take it or leave it. And if you're cool with that, we can move forward. And if you're not, then it's been really lovely to meet you, you know?

I do think opening up too fast can be problematic for both people in the sense where, like, if I'm somebody who opens up like a lot, and then I feel like more inclined to stay with that person because they've accepted like my flaw, they've accepted my flaws or they know so much about me than I'm like, well, they accept that. So I got to see it through or the opposite is also true to where like if you're on the receiving end of hearing, you know, too much from somebody or hearing a lot about their past, that you feel like you owe it to them to stay in it because they've shared so much with you.

So I think it is a slippery slope, but I also think it is when the time is right to be important about past relationship history and past stuff that can be effective in building a relationship. Yeah, so it's like, be honest, be vulnerable, but just don't dump your shit and be fun and talk about all the fun positive things that you could possibly have in common, you know. It's kind of where we're getting at.

Yep, absolutely. Okay, Doug, so we have one last question for you that I feel like I should just throw this to people before they're on the spot. We never prep, we never prep anyone. I don't have my singing voice on today, so we'll just say it. So from the words of the lovely, rest in paradise, meet loaf, the artist meet loaf. I would do anything for love. But I won't do.

What? But I won't, you know the song, I would do anything for love. But I won't do that. So what's the that for you? You would do anything for love, but you won't do what? It can be deep, silly. I won't sacrifice myself.

I won't completely sacrifice myself. Well, change who you are. Yeah. No. I mean, I do think it's important that when you're in a relationship, their sacrifice has to be made, but I won't sacrifice myself and lose myself. Love that.

OK, I just say, I don't know why one just, I came to my head that I've never thought about. I would do anything for love, but I will not live in Manhattan. I will never live in New York City. That's so funny. I draw a line there. I tell you what, I was in LA last month

and I was in Manhattan this past week and I was like, you know, people like really, you know, crap on LA, they don't live there. And I'm like, you know, people like really, you know, crap on LA, if they don't live there. And I'm like, you think LA is bad, like New York is. It's just that, it's just that for me. I feel like they're like LA people, they're New York people. I'm a Midwestern girl.

That's my preference, but like, I need like the trees, the beach, the mountains, like I need all of that. Luke, you keep skipping out when we, what's yours? You have to have one. You have to have some boundaries. I won't move to WeHo.

Okay, you will not move to West Hollywood. That's not. Tushay, Tushay. What about the Hollywood Hills? This isn't that like, that's still WeHo or is that? Kind of. I mean, Would you live in the Hollywood Hills?

You know, no, I know you would. I mean, how short of term are we talking? I mean, would you live in the Hollywood Hills? You know, no, I know you wouldn't. I mean, how short of term are we talking? He's like for a week, sure. Oh my gosh, Doug, I love you so much. Thank you so much for coming on the pod. This has been awesome. I know you guys have to listen to Doug's podcast. It is incredibly insightful.

It is eye opening. It's very heartfelt. And I think it's important for everyone from all walks of life to listen to your podcast and follow your journey. Yeah, tell them where they can find you, Doug. Yeah, thanks for having me on. I love the combo.

This is cool. Just to come on and just to have a good organic conversation about stuff that I normally, a lot of times, I don't really talk about. So this has been cool. Thank you. Yeah, you can find the adversity advantage podcast wherever you get your podcasts and also on YouTube. And then if you want to follow along some of the other content, I post them

at Doug Bob's on Instagram, TikTok and Twitter or X. What's it called? It's called X. Yeah, it's still Twitter.com. It's still Twitter. And threads and I just I can't keep up. Oh, I can't keep up. Okay, well we love you so much. Thank you again. Everyone listen to Doug's podcast. Please rate us five stars. Rate Doug's five stars.

It's super important. And we love you guys, and we'll talk to you next week. Thanks again, Doug. Make sure to follow us on social media. You can follow me on all platforms at Kristen Dodie and follow Luke on Instagram at Luke Double Under Score Broadred. Be sure to click the subscribe button so you can stay up to date with new episodes every

single Wednesday. Thanks for listening. See you next week. you