Sex, Love, and What Else Matters - Am I Doing This Right? Parenting Without Guilt with Rebecca Fox Starr

Episode Date: August 30, 2025

Episode 166. In this episode, Kristen sits down with Rebecca Fox Starr, author, writer, blogger, and mental health advocate, to unpack the struggles and joys of motherhood. They dive into Rebecca’s book, Am I Doing This Right? Making Choices Without Mom Guilt, exploring the pressure moms face to make the "right" decisions and the guilt that often accompanies them. Rebecca offers practical advice on navigating those choices and shares how to cope with feelings of being a "good" or "bad" mom. They also discuss the importance of modeling resilience and vulnerability for your kids. They talk about the concept of creating your own "mother adventure"—where there are no right or wrong paths—and tackling the negative self-talk and comparisons that often weigh us down. They also touch on the role of social media in modern parenting and how staying aligned with your values can help reduce anxiety. This episode is a refreshing take on setting healthy boundaries, embracing imperfection, and finding balance in your parenting journey. Sponsors Rula: Visit Rula.com/DOUTE to get started Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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everyone. Very special guest. She's been on the balancing act before. She is a mom author, therapist, mental health advocate, my friend, your buddy. This is Rebecca Fox Star. Hi, Becca. Hi, Kristen. Thank you so much again for having me back. After you were on Kylie Kelsey, not going to lie. I'm such a fan of that show. I was so excited to see you on there. I am honestly just so grateful that these women like you, like Kylie, who have high profiles with so many followers, are now speaking out about the real challenges of motherhood and maternal mental health and your sharing of your journey is truly changing the face of maternal mental health. I really believe that. And so I'm just so grateful that you and those around you are speaking

honestly because when I became a mom, I did not have people to look up to like the women now have you. Yeah, you're right. I can't even imagine. I can't imagine not having Google. I can't imagine not having like social media to have easier access to moms therapists, you know, all of that. Not having a smartphone. Oh, girl. I'm like, what do we, what do people do? They just made calls from their landlines and looked things up at the library. Oh, God. Exactly. So last time, just for all of you guys listening, last time Becca was on, we discussed her book Beyond the Baby Blues, this when I was pregnant. And that book was like a Bible to me because it discussed anxiety and depression during pregnancy and after pregnancy. So I've

since gone back and like sifted through it now that I'm a mom, which is wild. I'm a mom. And Becca, you're an author of many books that I have read all of them, but baby ever after. And also a children's book, Mommy Ever After, which I've read to Kaya and I love so much. And my current obsession that I can't get enough of and I have gone back and changed my choose your own adventure is called, am I doing this right, making choices without mom guilt? So you want to explain why I called it a choose your own adventure. I think you call it like a choose your motherhood adventure. Yes, because I'm trying to stay in my copyright lane with that.

But yes. So when we were younger, I don't know if you experienced the choose your own adventure. books where you got to read and make a choice. There were all these choice points within the story. And you got to make a choice. And then depending on your choice, you'd go in one direction or the other. I decided to make a choose your own path style book for mom guilt because mom guilt is so prevalent, so pervasive. We talked about it a little bit last time. But there are so many choices that we as moms make every minute of every day. And what I noticed with my time just as a mom and working with moms as a therapist is, we have a really keen ability to beat ourselves

up for whatever choice it is that we've made. It can be breastfeeding or bottle feeding. And for some reason, we can give ourselves a hard time about whatever we choose. And so my goal in writing this book where there are many choices and in some cases sub choices where you can make little decisions within the decision was to say, you're going to make choices. You might not always feel great about the choice. Maybe you would change your mind, but you can cope with whatever choice you've made and you have a lot of tools to empower yourself with those choices. Oh, I like that you said cope with whatever choice you made. And I like that you use the word choice. This might be like a personal thing, but I say, I use the word decide a lot and decisions a lot, which end up somehow

terrifying me more because I learned this thing like a million years ago in this like cult-like therapy thing that I dipped into. I'm not joking, like, probably 20 years ago. But one of the small things I took out of it was when you're saying the word decide, you're choosing to kill something off, you know, like a pesticide, insecticide, things like that. When you're making a choice, so it's like you're deciding, like, vanilla ice cream or chocolate. You're not deciding vanilla because you hate chocolate. You just choose vanilla because you like vanilla. And so that is something that's always personally stuck in my brain. So as you keep saying, like, you have a choice or choose this. It's because you want to do it or because I want to do it, not because I'm like,

well, the other thing doesn't seem right. The other thing is scary. It's not about the other thing. And that was just something that like really resonated with me as I was going through this book. Something else, this is just quickly touching on one of your other books. But I think all of your books sort of have a kind of, they're very linear in this way. But I loved in one of your other books, You were saying, like, sometimes I feel like a good mom and sometimes I feel like a bad mom. But like the good mom versus bad mom things were like, a good mom was like, I did a bunch of activities with my baby. And we got smiles today or she giggled.

And it's like if that didn't happen because you were tired or like I had this resonated with me so much, like if I have the TV on because I'm tired and she's trying to get a nap. And I'm just like, I'm spent today. And that doesn't make me a bad mom though. And I felt like that was very linear throughout books about pregnancy, postpartum, having a newborn, and then in the, am I doing it right book? So I just wanted to thank you for the kind of good mom, bad mom comparison, but that it's actually not true.

I think you actually brought up two points that go so well together, which is the idea of if I choose chocolate, does that mean I don't like vanilla? And I'm sure I talked about this before with you, but the idea of DBT, which is the therapy modality that I use most often, which is more than one thing being true at once. I can like chocolate and like vanilla, and I don't have to decide between the two of them. And I can at the same time feel like a great mom, a virtuous mom, a crappy mom, a lonely mom, a boring mom, a bored mom, all these things at once. It's funny that you bring up that thing that I mentioned in a prior book, which I have no recollection of, because, and I bring this up for a

reason. I said that before I actually went back and became a therapist and went through my own whole journey. And that was the real raw suffering, healing, Becca speaking. And now I think I would say to myself, every day you're a mom doing your best, if I'm talking to myself. And there are going to be moments in the day where you do things that are really good. And there are moments in the day where you do things where there's room for improvement, and there are even moments where you make mistakes. And I actually think that is so helpful to say to yourself, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

You can be a great mom by putting on the TV, like you said, letting yourself rest, filling your cup. That to me is being a great mom. And then you can make a different choice the next day. And I think there's a lot of black and white thinking when it comes to motherhood, like you're all good or all bad. And really, we all exist in the gray.

And the reason why I think that's so powerful, it's empowering for us, mothers. But as Kaya grows, what you're going to see is you're going to model that for her so that she knows it's okay to make a mistake. It's okay to think that she's doing the right thing, or even know she's doing the naughty thing and still do it. And she's still valuable and worthy of love, even when she exists on that spectrum of gray. And I think being able to model as a parent and say, yeah, I did a really crappy job with that or I didn't handle that well. And showing your kids that you can model that for them, I think is like such an important, amazing thing to teach a kid.

Oh my God, yes. Absolutely. I remember hearing something one time that was like, don't talk to your kids the way you want them to talk to themselves, talk to yourself the way you want your kids to talk to themselves. something like that. It's all these things I thought about during pregnancy where I'm like, especially postpartum, where I'm like body shaming myself quietly and things like that. Now granted, Kaya's like not even three months old. She doesn't understand half the words I say, just the sounds. But I have to get that in my head, especially having a little girl, is that if I'm constantly talking down to myself when Luke says, you're doing a great job, or like he always goes like, you're superwoman or like you look good today, even though you don't

think so. And then I'm going, no, I didn't do enough. No, I don't feel good about myself. If my daughter starts hearing me say that eventually, like how is she going to think about her own self? Isn't she going to start judging her own self that way? You know? You are spot on. And it starts at a young age. And I think that I love that you are just noticing and being aware now. Maybe her instinct is to say, no, no, no, I don't look good or like, no, it wasn't a big deal what I did. But the fact that you're being aware of that, I'm here to tell you. I have a 15 year old. She now talks to her friends and she'll tell me what she's conveyed to them. And I'm like, oh my God, she's listening to me because she'll say to them all this empowering stuff about their bodies and body image. She was giving a friend relationship

advice this week, like from a 15 year old girl. But she gave her friend relationship advice. And it was the exact advice that I give to her in just interpersonal relationships. And I'm like, oh my goodness, she's listening. And even, you know my sister Emily, my niece is for the other love of my life. And she listens and repeats back. They really, really hear and take it in, especially because we're the big people in their lives. And they really hear and they echo those things back. So you are absolutely right with that. Yeah. So it's like if you really want to be a dick to yourself, like do it in the shower when the kid's not listening. Well, as far as I know, actually, kids probably come in in the shower these days, right? Like, you don't get bathroom time alone. I'm not at that point yet,

but I think you'll go through a phase. Yes, I think you'll go through this phase where she won't come in and then she'll start coming in all the time. And now my kids are very clearly out of the phase where they would be horrified to come into the bathroom while I'm showering. Well, what I love about this book, too, is that I'm just reading it from a perspective of like a brand new mom and it resonated with me but I obviously like have flipped through the whole entire thing and read some other parts that weren't on my path or my adventure but I'm like wow so when I have a five year old I can do this again when I have an 11 year old but I have a 16 year old I can do this again and I think it's wild to me how I feel like even when I have a 16 year old

I could probably go back to the younger years adventures and the thoughts are kind of still the same you know, like the internal feelings are still the same. And in the intro to your book, this is what I love to because as we've said, like this is a choose your own path, choose your own mother adventure. But you say, this is your story. No right or wrong. There is not even one singular path. That in itself is as comforting as it can be a little confusing for a first time mom, I will say, because the confusing part is I am always looking for the answer. Well, what is the answer, which is really what this book's all about, right? Like, what is the answer? I need it. But then there's so much comfort in knowing my journey with

Kaya is completely its own. And you might, like if I called you and I called another mom friend, you both might have amazing advice to give me on the same question, but then it's really my choice to make, which one works for me, right? So it's like, how do we like kind of convince ourselves that. You don't have to fully believe that you're doing it right. You have to try to cope or it would behoove you to try to cope with whatever it is that you choose. You brought up something on a recent episode. It was when you were going to, I think, Brittany's pool. And you were talking about how you had anxiety leading up to it. And you were like, am I going to go? Can I get there? If I go, can I leave her inside? Can I just stay inside? And I just want to tell you, you did a fantastic

job because as a DBT therapist, I would say when you're scared of something, the best thing you can do is to do opposite action. So if you're scared and your instinct is to stay home, the prescription for that is to do the thing. But at the same time, I want to empower you with whatever choice that you are to make. So if you were to call up Brittany and say, hey, I'm really anxious and I don't think I can come. If she said, don't worry about it, you can come another time, that would also be okay. Is it what I would advise you to do as a DPT therapist? No, I think that what you did was perfect because you didn't let the fear win.

However, we are all going to have times where the fear or the anxiety or the worry or whatever it is or the exhaustion all just feel like too much. And we say, I just want to be able to stay home and not do the thing. And I don't want you to beat yourself up for that because you're allowed to just be a tired human who doesn't want to. to fight that battle that day. Yeah, I think where I'm at on my parental journey right now is knowing that Kaya's old enough to be out of the house now. Like, it was a really nice crutch for me, her first four to six weeks. Baby's too young. Sorry, you can't come over. Baby's too young. We can't go anywhere. And now it's like, even our pediatrician was like, you got to get her, got to get her out and about. She has her shots. She's done the thing. You know, we went on an airplane

for the first time with her, and she came back with a cold. And I'm, like, beating my head again. to wall going, I knew it. I knew it. This poor little baby with the tiniest little nasal passages has a cold because I put her on an airplane and let people hold her. And then I have to like remind myself her, my good mom friends that the more people she's around, the better off she'll be, like just not even just her health, but like her social well-being. So she doesn't have stranger danger from friends and family. And so it's like it's just a cold. You know, she's she's older now. She's not three weeks old. Like, she's older.

It's okay. But that was one of those things that we booked that flight. And I was like, oh, God, like last minute, like, Kaya and I should just stay home. You should just go. Going to Brittany's house. It's in the 90s outside. It's too hot. What do I do?

Like, called the pediatrician. Can she even be outside as if she's like a snowman who's going to melt? But thank you for that because it was a lot of hell. And I think right now it's me deciding, like, I have to choose what's better for her over, what makes me anxious and like find that that middle ground that like my gut says if my gut says something's really not right i go with my gut but if it's my anxiety talking that's different it's amazing that you're able to tell the difference that sometimes we're going to have false positives there but you also are allowed to be anxious and want to travel and say i don't want her to get a cold

but if she gets a cold it's important that we travel as a family so that feels like a reasonable risk to take or something like that. Bless it. You're just the best. Something I wanted to just kind of note on in this book, I want all of you guys to buy this book, read this book. Give it to moms, like, it's a good shower gift, I feel like, truly. So I want to get into a lot more of the content of it, but to touch on, there's like

cute little illustrations. There's a lot of little sidebars. And it's like actually a workbook as well. which I really appreciate, but the workbook pieces are small. There's something that can be done like right then. It's not like a two-page questionnaire. And then you give out these little badges, which made me feel like a million bucks. I don't know if you can explain the badges a little bit,

but it's essentially like every time you're getting ready to choose your next path, just like in those books when we were kids. Right before, you know, you get to choose to go to this page or go to this page, you receive like a badge, which it's something that really filled like a little void in me is like not knowing if I was good enough. Like, oh, okay, check this off the list on like how to be a good parent, if you will. Yes, I love that. Well, when I picture the badges, honestly, you and I are around the same age. She used to watch Troop Beverly Hills, the movie Troop Beverly Hills. Yes, Shelley Long. Yeah. So iconic, right? And I think about them like going for their badges and like

going on Rodeo Drive to the diamond grading, getting the jewelry badge. I think we can always use a little bit of like a pat on the back or like a little item of flare that makes us feel good. And these badges are visual representations of every coping skill we learn along the way, along this choose your own path adventure. So when you learn to set a boundary using a certain technique, when you learn to have effective interpersonal communication skills, each of those badges represent something that you've done. And it's like a representation for you to say, hey, I did this.

And at the end, you have a list, an index of all these badges. And you can feel accomplished. Because as I said to you earlier, Kristen, like the fact that you have an almost three-month-old baby in your reading books, like that should be a badge in it of itself. Like I'm giving you the metaphorical book reader badge right now. Thank you so much.

Yeah. Is there something about these visual, things within the book that like, I don't know if I'm like going down some weird like therapy rabbit hole. But for me, it was something about breaking up the reading of it all that like helped my brain. And I normally don't read books like that. You know what I mean? Like I do read a lot of self-help books, but usually they're just like on and on and on and on. But there was something about you. So like visual representation that broke that up for me and like made me actually feel like I did something right.

You're so smart, Kristen, because you really get it. I wanted these pretty elevated therapy notions and concepts to be digestible because I know that you don't have a lot of bandwidth right now. I don't have a lot of bandwidth. If I'm going to read something, I want to be entertained or stimulated or feel like I'm learning something. So I do like some of the stuff is like a little bit hokey, a little cringy some of these activities. I can even admit that. But it's a way to break up the like. We're talking about some pretty heavy things. We're talking about pretty profound self-doubt and worry and distress. So let's make it a little bit more digestible, a little bit more approachable, and hopefully just like you can keep your attention a little bit more easily because it's a lot. Yeah, I will say it's definitely like the therapist in you and the author and you married is just such a great tool for us as readers because right off the top of my head, as you were saying that there was one of the activities that came after this part of the book

was, you were saying like you or a girl, whoever, was like in a store going to get baby formula as an example and ran into another mom who like had a baby on the same day as her or same week as her and all these internal thoughts you were writing her internal thoughts and it was like it was me. Like it felt like it was me. All of the thoughts like, oh God, is she going to judge me for having formula and like is she going to think that like I smell or like is this what I wear all the time because she looks so great. Is she going to think I'm fat? Is she going to judge me as a mom? Why don't I have the formula? If I'm going to be a formula, you know, mom, what is wrong with me? And then you had this moment where you say like pop these thought bubbles. And it was like an actual like,

not literal motion, but like, you know, it was like a motion that you can do internally that's so more powerful, so much more powerful than just saying like, well, don't think like that. Come on, Kristen, don't think like that. You know better because then I feel like I'm judging myself all over again, where if I'm popping these bubbles in my head, these thought bubbles, it made me feel like stop the negative thought, but not judge myself. I'm so glad that you liked that. And I think what you're bringing up is like, it can feel so invalidating for me to say like,

stop that. You look great. Or like, who cares? You're feeding your baby fat is best. I agree with that. You look phenomenal. Fed is the only thing that we care about. But you are experiencing that. So instead of invalidating your experience, let's own it as best we can. Let's say here's my thought. I'm going to make space for it. And then I'm going to try to pop it. And maybe it doesn't pop on the first try. But I think that just like trying to push down those negative feelings

or saying, you don't, you shouldn't feel that way. Look at you. That doesn't help anyone. You know that. Right. And yeah, I like that idea of like making space for the thought because your thought's not stupid. Your thought is a thought. But then once the thought has occurred to not hold on to it, that's when you get rid of it. I think that's super helpful. There's another activity, I think, later in the book that leaves on a stream and it's similar where people use all different visual representations. And I learned this a long time ago, but you can think of like a cloud in the sky, for example. You put that thought on the cloud and you visualize watching it go by. For some people, that's really helpful. For other people, it's not. And that's why we have 12

other things that you can try. So you just have to figure out what works for you. And then when you find something, you can employ that in all different situations. Yes. Another thing I thought, and I'm curious, is this helpful for you as a mom of now? How old is your son? I know you're teenager and then he's what, like 11 or 12? He's about to be 12. Oh, my gosh. And so as a mom of barely three month old, ten things I've done today was part of it. And I, before I even, I just stopped myself and went, didn't really do a damn thing today. Like, and then I read the next sentence. These are not accomplishments. It was like, I opened my eyes. I brushed my teeth. And that is now embedded into me every day. I even posted like a picture the other day. I even posted like a picture the other day. on Instagram of Kaya and I, and I felt like I hadn't done much that day, but I wrote in my like little caption of my story that I fed her. I made sure she napped. I made sure she smiled. We did a little bit of Tommy Time. I did a bunch of things that were helpful to her. And I like ate. And I even,

I think that day I took a shower. I like washed my hair. So I was like, even though this doesn't feel like a lot and I had read, I was reading your book that day, but I was like even though this doesn't feel like a lot, it actually is. And I have to remember that. So like, why do you, I guess I don't know if it's a why do you question, but it's just something I want to really instill in people that has been helpful for me that like accomplishments are great, but they're not everything. Like, if you can get to an accomplishment and you can also be successful in that on certain days, I mean, amazing. We can't just be like a bump on a log, can't sell on your butts all day. But to also be grateful for the small things?

There is a culture of doing and succeeding in a way that's very visible and that's, I feel a little hypocritical because I just talked about badges, but those are creative, fun, figurative badges. But there is a culture that kind of breeds this glorification of suffering, this glorification of doing so much that at the end of the day you've tired yourself out we seldom celebrate self-care, taking care of ourselves. I woke up today and I looked at my daughter and said, she needs an hour more of sleep. I noticed what she needed and I met her needs. Why isn't that enough? Why would it be more celebrated to get my kids out and take them on a hike? Maybe that's not

why they needed. And so I think that there's, there are some people who like to do things all the time. They like to always be out of the house. They like their kids to have a ton of activities. That's wonderful. I totally celebrate that. That's not me. I love, but at the same time, so I love unstructured time with my kids, I recognize that not everybody feels that way. And I recognize that it can be exhausting. And when my kids were little or it was harder. And I think just celebrating the fact that I saw my daughter go over and give Kenny my husband a hug today. And I was like, she's such a good girl. And like my son does this thing where he locks his pinky into mine when we're outside somewhere and like instead of holding hands, because that would be embarrassing.

he holds my pinky those are things that I celebrate and I'm not trying to be cliche I'm not trying to be trite like I also in like the the world where my kids have sports and plays and things like that where we celebrate those things but those are not the the things for me yeah I think that's important because I like speaking with the kids like just thinking about kaya when she grows up that of course I do want to like celebrate her you know eventually when she's in sports and activities and her wins and things. But I can't remember what I was reading or thinking out or who I was talking to, but it was in regards to like only celebrating kids' successes and always putting that much weight on their plate. I mean, really as well as your own because

it's heavy to do for yourself, like what you were just saying, like we, the people that just like love the suffering. But really only celebrating the kids wins because I was like, man, I listen, I was, I love my mom to death. She raised me. It's a single mom. My grandparents were amazing. But I definitely realized, looking back, I was very much celebrated for doing well. And I've never been the girl in all the years of therapy that's like really gone back to the childhood trauma or whatever it could be because I'm like, I have enough adult trauma that I can talk about with my therapist.

But that was something that I was like, interesting. That's why I, why my therapist says that I kind of marry success to happiness, what you were just saying about your kids, that it's like, yeah, all those things are great because you want them to know, like, they're trying really hard and they're doing well at whatever their activity is. That doesn't go unnoticed, but not to shove the importance onto just those things. And what I imagine you learned from a young age was your self-worth was tied in with your success and measurable examples of success, how the numbers on a score or the amount of accolades you got. And then when you're an adult and you don't have the same kind of opportunities,

it's really hard to feel successful. So the fact that your therapist is saying that and you're explaining what it was like for you, I think a lot of this stuff, I think we're so lucky that we are this like kind of generation of parents, these elder millennials that you and I, we're both millennials, I guess. We're elder millennials and I'm so proud. Yeah, I don't even know it's called but yes um where we're very aware of our parenting we're grateful for aspects of our parenting but we're also very thoughtful about how we then want to be parents and role models and i think like i have amazing parents as well but they were not as conscious and didn't have all the resources that we have so they say all the time like we did our best and they definitely did they did an amazing job but

certain things that they did are no longer what is considered the best way, the evidence-based best way of doing things. And I think that we now being aware of these things, hopefully are going to give our children some of what we maybe didn't have or we'll take away some of what we had too much of. Yeah, absolutely. I could not agree more. And even just saying that because I'm kind of jumping to the end, but like there's like you're, are you saying, sorry, judging another parent and how like when should you judge another parent and you have this little pie chart and it was like never ever never and then one of the pie pieces was I think it was colored yellow I can't remember the color but it was like never in yellow and it was literally like we should not be judging other people's

parenting ever and that leads me to I want to hear your thoughts on like social media because Luke and I have had this conversation and we still have it on repeat because especially during pregnancy And right when we had Kaya and she was sleeping a ton and kind of doing these like two hours, two hours, you know, on and off, my algorithm blessed me with all the newborn stuff on Instagram. And I would send Luke a lot of things. He would send things back. And Luke has said that he feels like it's really easy to, like, judge yourself and do a lot

of comparisons when we're looking at the stuff on Instagram. And I see what he's talking about, but I also find the beauty in it because I think there's a lot of you just have to be able to like kind of pick and choose like what you want to read and what you don't. But I personally don't feel very judged as a parent, maybe because I'm not really putting things out there. Also, I'm a really new parent. So I haven't felt judged yet other than just, but I do have the fear. And what are your thoughts on social media like these days? Do you think it is helpful or is it more hindering than helpful? So something that I talk about a lot with my clients is the use of social media in their journey as parents, there are certainly things about it that

are so helpful. I didn't have the experience of having social media with very, very young children. I think it would have been really helpful because there was just so much that I didn't. I didn't know. I had no connection to. I do agree with Luke to a certain extent that people are curating what they post. Even if they're being hashtag real or whatever you want to call it, it. It's still, they've chosen to share that. And so it's not like catching them unawares. And as long as you're mindful of that and discerning about what you're consuming, then I think it's okay. As long as you're able to say with awareness, this person is posting their highlights real. They're posting what they want me to see. And so I'm going to take that, but that's not going

to be the only thing. I think it can be helpful to form community. As I said to you earlier, you are forming a community of women who feel like it's okay to say, I needed help. I'm not okay. I feel anxious right now. So to me, that is so wonderful and so powerful. So I'm a very big fan of that. Something that I talk about and is honestly unique for you because you're in the public eye. So you have to think, what am I going to share? What do I want to share? What do I want to keep private? And my answer to that is you can decide and make the decision based on what feels best in the moment, with the information you have. And if it changes, you can change your mind.

I love that. Thank you for that. I think as long as you are living in line with your values at this moment, and this feels like right based on the information you currently have, you have a long history on reality TV. I'm very lucky that you do because I've loved it. So you have a long history of reality TV. You know you have a pretty good sense of that you're comfortable

with a certain amount of exposure. And this is the information you have. And if you change your mind, that's okay. And I hope that you don't beat yourself up for anything that you may have shared before and that you decide to change your mind about because all you did was make the best decision you could with the information you had. And I think people are often scared to say, you know what, I don't feel that way anymore. Or maybe I don't agree with that anymore. It feels like so vulnerable and so scary. But I think that it should be normalized to change your mind? That is so fucking important.

And I think that is the overall message of the book. And every time I've ever talked to you as a friend or on the podcast, truly, because in regards to social media, that is something was it, that was a huge, am I doing this right for me? And because we didn't choose to post-Kaya the first, however many days that she was born and to be completely transparent, was because we were doing the Us Weekly cover shoot and we knew that we had to wait. But the amount of people that reached out to me or commented and said, good for you for not

selling out your daughter and putting her on Instagram. And I was like in my head going, just you wait. Just you wait because she's about to be on the cover of a magazine. So like, what does that make me? And then when she did, when that did come out and we did start posting her here and there, I'm doing it because I'm proud. Of course, there's a lot of, thoughts that go with it that are like, there's all these crazy people out there that take baby photos and they do AI stuff and there's like bad things attached to them and there's that scare part. And then there's like, it's just scary. Are people just going to like judge how much I put her on there? Like aside from that, are they going to judge what my baby looks like,

which is bat shit because she's perfect? But there's a lot of am I doing this right when it comes to sharing her picture on social media. And my rule so far has only been like if someone else, especially my family, bless them on Facebook. I'm like, you have to ask me first because I don't know who the hell you guys are friends with on Facebook, but it's like my mom, if she could, would post, you know, 40 photos from the same day. So that's been my rule thus far. But I truly am feeling I'm changing my mind all the time.

Like every day even, I'm like, maybe not today. I don't know if that was right. So I think the power in not judging what I personally, you know, or what you've already done just because like I posted a picture yesterday. Yesterday was yesterday, right? And if I change my mind today, that's fine. And then if I change my mind next week and decide I want to post her again, then that's fine too. I love what you just said. And you without realizing it, just illustrated a really important point, which I really believe that when you're living aligned with your values, you will have less anxiety and distress. And it's when you're living in a way that's not aligned with

your values, that you start to run up with some of that conflict. And so, to me, you said to me five minutes ago, I haven't really been judged as a mom. Well, then you told me, you posted that, you posted, you know, you didn't post her face and people were praising you for that and you knew what was coming, but I think the reason why it didn't even register with you as being so harshly judged as a mom is because you were living aligned with your values. So you felt comfortable with your decision. So it didn't matter what these, these strangers said. And then when it comes to who posts, your daughter's face on social media, you have your current boundaries around that. And as long as

you're following those boundaries, you feel comfortable. And so I think that you are doing an excellent job of saying, I'm going to control what I can control. I'm going to let go of what I can't. And this is what feels comfortable to me right now. Yeah. Boundaries are a huge thing. Oh, yeah. Boundaries have been a huge thing that I've struggled with, that I find super important. part of the part of in this book there's I can't I think it might be earlier on in the book but there's a moment where the choice is do you want to let I think it was like an aunt come over or it was somebody come over to see the baby and it was like I just want to stop by blah blah blah blah blah blah and I have been in that position so many times and my choose my own path was no

they don't get to come over which was a lot easier for me to say again early on but I did read both of, you know, the outcome of both choices. And the boundaries that were set within that, I think, are something that every single parent person need to instill in them, not to be wishy-washy and be a people-pleaser when you know that it does not align with what works for you. When you say the baby, basically just setting the expectation for the person, if it is, you know, the situation is, this person wants to come over, you're not sure how you feel. You set it up that, like, this is what our schedule looks like. And our schedule cannot budge, I eat, the baby has to eat. My kid has to go to practice. They have a test to study for, whatever it may be.

Does this still align with you as a parent of like a middle schooler and a high schooler? Like if someone wants to come over, they want you guys to like go to dinner. I think boundaries are more important now than ever. and my motto is if someone does not, I think I said this last time on this podcast. So I'm sorry to be repetitive, but if someone does not respect your boundaries, that is the reminder of why you have that boundary in the first place. And in terms of living in alignment with your values, like to do a hypothetical based on what you said, you don't want your family members posting pictures of Kaya without your consent.

if they're posting, if they start posting pictures and violating your boundaries there, then that's going to feel really yucky because it's going against your values and then you're going to have to change your boundaries. And maybe that means they don't have access to the pictures or you have to explicitly say before each picture, please do not post this or something like that. So I think that having boundaries like you said is really important. And I also want to be clear about something. It's not like I'm here setting boundaries left and right and feeling great about it, I often feel uncomfortable when I set a boundary. I want to please people. Many people, I'm sure many of your listeners, very much want to make things easier for others or

please others. It is uncomfortable to set a boundary, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. And when you get used to setting boundaries and you start to build that muscle, it gets easier and easier. And again, to me, as a parent, you're modeling that for your kids. And I feel like that's one thing that as children, we didn't really have as much agency with where it's like your parent brings you to somewhere, give everyone a kiss. And you had to give everyone a kiss. And then you had to finish all the food on your plate because that was what was polite. And the fact that we are now empowering a generation of kids to say like, that doesn't feel right. Let's be respectful, but set a boundary, nonetheless, I think that that is actually so healthy. Yeah, I think it's probably one of the most

helpful things that I've learned throughout pregnancy and now this postpartum almost out of my fourth trimester is boundaries for me, boundaries for Kaya, boundaries for our family, because that's when I feel like, to be fair, I think not to be cheesy, but it's like that's when I feel like I'm doing it right, is whatever that boundary is. And I said it because it might not please someone else for a moment, but I'm the one that like our family has to live with it, deal with it. So I think, you know, taking all these little nuggets of like going with your gut, like knowing what your heart feels and what your head feels and trying to find that middle ground and not judging yourself the way you wouldn't judge someone else.

If you're not going to judge another parent, why are you judging yourself as a parent? Especially a parent trying their best. Boom. Bing go. Becca, I love you so much. You guys, everyone please go out and get this book. It says like your mom guilt, but dads, it's for you too. definitely think it's, again, like a great baby shower. Bye. But it's not just like a sit and read. It really

is like you work through things and it does kind of break up your brain from. And if you just need like, like I said, like I take an hour away and I get to do something for me. It's helpful for me and it's helpful for my baby. So I don't feel selfish. Bingo. Perfect. You're doing it right. Thank you so much for coming on again. Everyone loves you. I love you. And this is really valuable information for everyone. Thank you, Kristen. I appreciate you always. Thanks, guys. We'll talk to you next week. Make sure to follow us on social media. You can follow me on all platforms at Kristen Doty and follow Luke on Instagram at Luke double underscore Broderick. Be sure to click the subscribe button so you can stay up to date with new episodes. Thanks for listening. See you next week.