Sex, Love, and What Else Matters - Life’s Curveballs

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

Episode 14. Listeners and VPR Fans…This one’s for you. Kristen explains why there was no podcast last week and chats about Brittany’s health scare and Luke’s dog’s brush with death. Kristen talks turning 40 and she and Luke dive deep into the #BachelorNation world (including BIP and Bachelor Fantasy!?) Finally, you asked so we answered: Don’t miss the answers to all of your questions! Raise your glasses high, this one’s for all of you listeners and VPR Fans tonight. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I have missed you. Immediately, I want to acknowledge the lack of episode last week. If you follow me on Instagram, you might have a little bit of an idea of what my last week we can have was like between friend, hospital visits, dog hospital visits, and my birthday, and just so much shit. And if you don't follow me on Instagram, why not? You should. So we do want to acknowledge why we did not record an episode last week, especially when I was going

to record a solo episode. For those of you who did reach out, I really want to thank you so much for your well wishes, prayers to the universe, prayers to whoever you pray to, all the love that we got for Luke's dog. And so we'll kind of just start there. And Luke is here.

Hi, honey. Hi, honey, I am back. He's here. Yeah. So I'll just wrap this up for you guys. Long story short, last weekend, as some of you might have seen on social media or in the news, Brittany Cartwright, my best friend out here in LA,

ended up in the ER, and she had a little bit of a health scare that I will not get into detail about, because it's her place, not mine, you know. Everything's okay, she's doing much better. But those particular days, Janet had driven Brittany to the ER and called me to come help with crews. And Jack's unfortunately was out of town working on something. So he just wasn't here, like literally to be there for her in that moment.

So that was a lot, you know, a lot of worry, a lot of stress, just, you know, I have so much love for my best friends and I was, you know, scared. And then Brittany was all finding good. It's Super Bowl Sunday now. We're very just hanging out super low key and Luke is gonna drive in town to see me. He maybe you're so cute like hell bent on coming to see me for Valentine's Day which I want to talk about Valentine's Day later, okay? Okay. Because I think it's a dumb bullshit, a home or a holiday, but I think you're adorable for wanting to do something special for me. I tried some things, some life things got in the way though.

They did. So Luke called me as he was taking his insane drive, we've talked about 40 million times from Colorado, and Thad, one of his two dogs, was being not himself. He had a little bit of a limp. He was a bit lethargic. Was that kind of it? He got a little skinnier. Yeah, he had lost some weight. I didn't know if it was stress because we'd been on the road so much. We're just running so much because he's so active. Yeah, but we'd been driving so much and going from different climates and everything. I just didn't know. Like you don't want to freak out over nothing.

Right. Especially when you're, as we've talked about, again, you guys a million times, the Rancho Colorado is kind of in the middle of nowhere. And there's not, you know, it's not as easy the way it is for me here in L.A. Where I have a million vet hospitals open 24 seven. My vet is 10 minutes away from my house. Luke, you don't have that same easiness for you guys out there. Yeah, the accessibility.

The accessibility. Yeah, it doesn't exist there. I'd say now and a half to the nearest ER vet. On Super Bowl Sunday, they were the only one open hour and a half away, four to six hour wait, and they couldn't. If you're lucky. Yeah, right. And if I was lucky. So I just trucked it out here.

I made a vet appointment at my vet. I was like, no problem. Super easy. If my vet can't get them in, there's a vet every Starbucks essentially in LA. I know that I'm very fortunate. So he did get here. I typically am the hypochondriac out of our relationship, but with dogs, I feel, I don't know. I feel like, so I kind of want to go back to Brittany for one second, because there's Valentine's Day

that we always talk about love on this podcast. There's like my love for my friends, I would give anything for someone like Brittany, which is why it really was a difficult weekend, I think, for all of us that love her because we want to protect her and we're nervous for her. And then when it comes to dogs, my dogs are my kids, you know, I don't have kids.

So when Luke and Thad and his other dog, Jill get to my place and I see how much weight that has lost, I just, yeah, the hypokondriac in me just said, like, we have to go to the vet hospital right now. We had to get to the vet that night after I'd driven all the way here. So we took take them in, spend, we're there till what after 3am. Yeah, and we had a vet appointment like 10am the next day. So it kind of just felt like, let's just get them out of here.

Let's go home. This is taking forever, bless their hearts, but we want him to be comfortable and secure. So now at this point I'm like, oh god, okay, so this is gonna be our focus this week, fuck my birthday, I'm canceling my birthday party. I know we have a podcast do, it's been, so let me back up a little bit too, is that Brittany was supposed to be my guest last week and then obviously with all of her health situation, I just said, you know, Yolo, I'm going to do a solo podcast with the Q&A, which we will get to later. Then all this stuff happens, you know, with his dog, I just said our dog.

I think I'm not like... I do call you Mala. Yeah. And it just felt like, do I buckle down in record a podcast as the crying mess that I've been all week? Or do I just say, I'm sorry guys, please understand. So here I am saying, I'm sorry guys, please understand. I will fast forward a bit. Juh, juh, juh, juh, please. And say, we spent the entire week in three different vets, four different times. Yeah, he ended up in Palmdale, yeah, an hour away.

The whole thing was with his condition, the vet we had been on our second trip there, the one that we spent hours at the night before that didn't get us in. And it got down to where it was only a handful of hours before our vet appointment. We took him home. Anyway, we get back to them and they wouldn't do a single thing unless they got $8,000 down right there and then. So I'm calling for other options. See if anybody will at least take a look and run some more tests or something I can

pay as I go kind of thing. Anyway, we end up at Palmdale and he stays there for three nights. They basically gave him a slim to no chance of making it. Brought him home, he turned a corner just yesterday and he's wanting to play fetch now and got him on a good diet. He's got energy back, he seems to be on the mend. We're giving him subcutaneous fluids, which means we put an IV and it goes under his skin and feeding him a renal support diet for his kidneys, but everything seems to be getting better.

Yeah, it was a fucking hard ass week. Let's not pretend that it wasn't. It was every day, not to be dark, but every day wondering, do you get another opinion? Do we take him home to put him down? So what Luke says, like, don't have him at the scary place. The place most pets hate the most. It's like, we have so much love for this animal

who cannot communicate with us. What the hell he's going through. So that was our week. So, you know, that's where my apology lies. And I know that all of you, if you listen to this podcast, are full of love and empathy and sympathy and can understand that. So, at the same time, I turned 40. Mm-hmm. Oh, Jesus Christ.

It's still a little bit of a party, even though you canceled the majority of it. Let's just talk about what I just said. I said it out loud. Oh, you're allowed to, I'm not. No, you're not. But I will say so. Then I have my sister flying in town, my brother in law, my two best friends from back home.

I have this little Airbnb with like a pool and whatever that we're supposed to have this like gathering at because I hate celebrating myself. I celebrate my wins every day. I celebrate a roof over my head I celebrate that I have a man who loves me and family that supports me and the best friends in the world and Four dogs now, but I don't want to fucking celebrate the fact that I'm not my 30s anymore because I just don't that's what I'm at in life I maybe when I'm 42 I'm gonna be like four days are the new 30s ladies. I love it

But my best friend in the card that she wrote me said, you're only as old as the guy you sleep with. And I liked that. Yeah, you're just a hero with 30. Yeah. Just a hero with 30, y'all. Yeah, I'm all over the place right now again. I have cold and we just want to like tell you guys

everything that flipping happened. But I decided to cancel my party. Only a handful of friends came over. Brittany was there. She knows there. We just kind of laid low while we waited to see Thad Luke's dog where he was coming on the other side of this. Like Luke said, that's where we're at.

He's somehow miracously doing better. I would like to think that he's a fighter. And I would like to think that we all put all that love out into the universe to help him heal. Yeah, I gotta say thank you to anybody and everybody that showed support that's followed on social media. I know that there were a lot of people praying and helping. And it seems to, certainly seems to have worked.

He seemingly turned in an impossible corner. I literally, when I picked him up, I didn't know if I was gonna put him down right there if I was gonna bring him home even. And I'm glad I did, because after we'd napt together on the couch, he woke up like a different dog like he was back to being himself.

He's resilient as hell, just like his papa. Yeah, just a little weak. together on the couch, he just, he woke up like a different dog, like he was back to being himself. He's resilient as hell, just like his papa. Yeah, just a little weak. I feel like we're both on the verge of crying right now, but we've like cried so many tears over the last week that we just don't have any left to give. I'm sucked dry. I am dehydrated. So that's what happened.

I turned 40, that's doing better. Brittany's doing better. Maybe 2023 is not gonna suck as much as I thought. No, it's gonna be great. I'm an optimist now. Yeah. And tonight, let's see, today, we're actually recording this on a Monday now, a little bit later than usual.

Bachelors on tonight. I wanted to quickly just talk about the bachelor, like really quick, just like take a little speed turn right now, like a U-turn. Okay. Luke, you've seen bachelor in paradise. You've watched one episode of this season of the bachelor. Yeah, I watched the first season of the bachelor. So I personally, I'm a bachelor freak,

like bachelor nation freak of nature, I'm obsessed. I hate the first episode. And I told you that. I was like, it's so boring. It's all of these girls doing like whatever they're weird intro is to like get attention and make the episode fun. I feel like the first episode is for the viewers

to laugh and giggle at rather than it is for like the contestants. Yeah, I mean, but you could imagine if you were in that position. I've tried to like empathize and it's like, imagine you're one of 30 girls fighting for a guy's attention because you could be going home that night and you got on this thing that may have been your dream since you were a teenager and now you're in your late 20s. A dream to be in love or a dream to be on a TV show

and become the next social media influencer. Exactly. So, yeah. Yeah, the dream could be to be on a TV show and become the next social media influencer. Exactly. So, yeah, the dream could be to be on the bachelor, which I think a decent percent. That's probably the case. But we both love to be IP. That was your first introduction to bachelor nation. It's when I showed you bachelor in paradise, right? Well, I got roped into it with my family when they did the bachelor fantasy.

You know, after fantasy football, they did like that. Oh, they asked these questions about like, who you thought was gonna get a rose, those in app. It was like on ESPN, they had a bachelor fantasy. Yeah. So that's how they got me to play years ago. You're like, I get to compete. So I was watching, yeah.

Yeah. That's hilarious. So yeah, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about bachelor this year. You guys, I don't know. And it's, I'm not here to talk shit about contestants because I know what it's like to be on a reality show. I do think there are some chickens on that show

that just if they're engaged for two years, they get to keep the ring. They're going on good morning America. They're going on Jimmy Kimmel live. They're gonna get a million to two million followers on Instagram if they're interesting enough. They're gonna have brand deals. That shit did followers on Instagram if they're interesting enough. They're going to have brand deals That shit did not happen when I was on Vanderpump rules for a very very long time

I remember thinking oh my god I think if we get like 10,000 followers were allowed to be verified now We didn't know anything that spawned what we call sponsor content ads if you will that did not exist And so now I just I I feel differently about Bachelor Nation. And I do listen to read reality Steve. So I already know who won if he was correct. But I'm still going to watch it. Are you going to keep watching it with me?

Or are you just over it? It's a good thing to fall asleep too, and even. Late rain and thunder sounds. Yeah. And Bachelor. Exactly. Two-shay, two-shay. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- like my ADD is off the charts right now. The Guinness Book of World Records Kiss was something I wanted to talk about for Valentine's Day.

And so we're basically doing a Valentine's Day and an Ask Me Anything episode all wrapped in one to catch you guys up on life. Why did we start talking about that? I think because I wanted to see the biggest penis size or the biggest boobs. So we were looking up records and stuff. You told, I wasn't here when you found it.

You asked me on the phone, you said, how long do you think it is? Oh, maybe I was just going down a fucking rabbit hole because I'm like, I want to know all the cool records about like sexual and make-y-outie things. And the longest kiss was like three times longer than I thought humanly possible. Yeah, what would you guess it was?

I think I said something like 18 hours or something like that. Which is still a really long time. Seemingly I was like, you know, they probably did something crazy. It's like, yeah. What's the longest you think you've ever made out with someone for? Hour two hours?

No. Longer? No. Oh. I'm thinking like 15, 20 minutes in high school. No, we've made out for longer than that. Just making it. Oh, okay, granted.

This is, I'm not trying to win the Guinness Book of World Records Kiss, but we made out like, and while hooking up or having sex or something for way longer than that. I'm, okay, sorry. My mind went to like the competition where they are allowed to break like from their place. Okay, so let's explain what this kiss was like, because I wrote down everything. Okay.

So this kiss was 58 hours, 35 minutes, and 58 seconds long. This was set in 2013. It smashed the world record by more than 8 hours. So I want to stop right there before I tell you the rest of the rules. Smash it by more than eight hours. You've already gone 50, 5, zero hours. You've gone more than two days without sleeping without sleeping. Oh, and I will add this in. You have to be on your feet the whole time. You don't get to sit down. There's no breaks. No breaks. You have to go to the bathroom together. With your lips touching, you eat and drink through a straw, like a fucking feeding tube, y'all.

How romantic. A feeding tube while your lips still touch. You're shitting, you're pissing. I didn't even like saying that word pissing, I was weird. You're peeing and you're pooping. Yeah. Deficating. Wow, you're, I don't care if you've been married 70 years,

it's what? And yeah, on your feet, okay, so I said that. On your feet, food, bathroom, no sleep, and they still beat it by eight hours. Why not just say we beat it by five minutes done? I think it was because it was a competition. Were there like a bunch of other couples still in it? But they had already smashed,

they were already the winners by that time. Really? I thought there was one other couple that was sticking with them. I don't know. I don't know. If you're right, then I'm just gonna say that's not true. Okay.

And not to be like a self-indulgent asshole, but all they won was $3,300, like whatever, you know, so this was in Thailand. It was the equivalent of $3,300 and two diamond rings. I mean, that's not a bad three-day story. And the record. That's a good three days work, but. In order to be like permanently psychologically scarred, I don't love myself enough to stand up for 58 hours. Is there an amount of money in the world

that you would do that for? Yes. Okay. You go, yes, that's all I need to know. You don't have to tell me how much. I don't know if there is for me. The only thing I could come up with when I was giving myself these like what if situations, if I were told, if I do this, it will save someone's life, which is just so outlandish and ridiculous and makes no sense at all. That is what would make me do it. But if they said like, you get a million dollars. Hell no, I'm not putting myself through that

for a million dollars. So that's what we've been up to. I'm exhausted. It's just been a lot on our souls and our hearts and all of that stuff, but I love you guys so much. And I hope you feel all the love coming through my microphone right now. Now let's get to some Q&As that I got.

Because y'all did a real good round this time. Did they not? Ah, there were definitely some much higher quality questions than some higher quality questions. I mean, there's just some straight trash in the comes in there. It's like really what kind of person would be. That's true. When someone wrote, can I sniff your dirty panties, y'all horror?

Hmm. Guys, don't troll people. Get a hobby. But let's get into these crazy Q&As. So this is actually from somebody that I know and Luke, I would like you to take the reins on this. This is from a male person. I'm not giving any names away

because you guys this time, I know some of you like to be acknowledged, but I think some people don't want their laundry air the way that I do when I speak into a microphone as it fits a vacuum. Okay, hit me with it. Why is sex so easy and love so hard? Because sex is an act that on averages over in less than five minutes Okay, hit me with it. Why is sex so easy and love so hard?

Because sex is an act that on averages over in less than five minutes and love is something. Is that a true fact? Maybe, but you know, 60% of statistics are made up on the spas. Anyway, I think it's obvious. It's an obvious question. I mean, love is a commitment. I don't think it's easy. It person's asking and I'll say this is someone that I'm friends with who not too long ago went through breakup, a long-term partner. Why is sex so easy and love is so hard? I mean, feelings, relationships are hard. Yeah, that comes into the love.

And love is like how much love you have for me and my dog and for Brittany and these things that got the things you do and the things you drop to the side. But like, sex is just primal. It's more primal. It's an act. It's a way to show love, but love is just so all encompassing that it's far more complicated. Yeah, I feel sex in my clitoris, sometimes in my nipples, and I feel love in my heart, my stomach, my throat, and like out my butthole sometimes. Is that all you feeling after? Oh, okay, sorry. I had to.

I had to. Such a boy. Yeah. But I think that's my answer. I think it's because love is not one side, but I like that you said it's all encompassing. So I just think that's why. It's because it's two people or more, depending on what kind of love we're talking about.

And obviously, guys, I'm not a psychotherapist. I'm just giving you my take on it. Because the whole thing about love is like, in my opinion, you always hear love should be, relationships are 50-50, right? I disagree. I think relationships are 100-100. I think you give your all to someone. Give your 100% of yourself to someone. You can still have 100% of yourself to yourself. Mathematicians don't come at me, don't at me. But I really think if you're only giving 50% or receiving 50% from someone,

you're accepting 50% for your job, your relationships, your whole life. I think you deserve and need to have 100%. And that's why I love, and relationships can be difficult. Yeah, so I'm gonna counter to that. I definitely have some married friends that have said to me that when you get married, sometimes you have this lofty idea

is that one plus one is going to be two or greater. You're not gonna have this synergy. You guys are going to be combining forces and doing these greater, more awesome things, but they said what you don't realize is more often than not one plus one equals one. They become one unit. As far as getting into the psychology of that

or what, how to break that in, but I've been told that by more than one person. That when you get married, one in one is not two or more, and one in one is one. It's like I agree with both. I don't know, but I'm not married. Yeah, I'm either. I'm just,

Oh, haha, haha, haha. We'll have talked to somebody about that on the podcast. Yeah. Someone with a little more schooling than we've had. Right. In that role. Yeah. Yeah.

Interesting. But yeah, that's my take thus far. I just think, you know, at the prime age of 38, 9, whatever I am, I think relationships are hard. And I think that love is not effortless. It is effortful. Thousand percent. And I think it's very easy to say,

oh, well, this is just so hard. Like, it obviously isn't working. Yeah, relationships are working. But there's some truth to that, of course. Like, if you're not you anymore, if you're fighting all the time, if you're not getting anything that you're giving, if your partner's not willing to work with you,

communicate, be honest, show you love, then that's one thing. But you can't just say, well, if we're meant to be, then it should just work. No, because you're two different people from two different upbringings, from two different walks of life. I guess becoming one family unit, you know?

So the sex is fun to shit. Usually, if sex isn't easy, then just don't have sex. Have sex with someone else. Okay, next question. Do you still do it if the dogs are in the bed with you, or do you kick them out? I mean, we try to kick them out, but it hasn't always stopped us.

I know, it makes me feel weird to admit this. Usually, Bowie, if we don't, okay, I'll just say, we kick them out of the room when we really want to have like meaningful sex. Right? Think about it when we're like candles, porn, sex toys, laundry, yeah. We're like, screw you guys, you're fed, get the fuck out. Right, but if we're going for it in the morning or just a normal evening, like movies over, gonna go to bed and yeah, don't we don't kick them all off the bed?

No, because we're not like, let's take a moment out of our moment. Your dogs are so small and Bowie is like, Bowie? Bowie? Bowie doesn't leave the bed, but he doesn't touch us and Gibson usually now gets off the bed and hides behind the door

where the laundry basket is. And your dogs are so big, they don't. They're not on the bed, hides behind the door were the laundry basket. And your dogs are so big. They're not on the bed. I'm curious to hear about you guys, though. I would love an email or a DM. Do you kick your animal off the bed when you're going to do the dirty? Write us. Let us know.

Before me and you look, before you and I were a couple, did you ever have your dogs in the bed when you would have sex with someone else or did you have a girlfriend where she had animals and they would be on the bed or not really? No, not really. I didn't really have my dogs on the bed in most situations. Just typically they knew that they didn't really sleep

on the bed, that would jump up and sleep on the foot of the bed, that's fine. But I mean, you have your dogs under the cover snuckled up with you and like, Gibson on the pillow next to your head. And I've never, never experienced that, I've never been around, that I've never been with someone that had their dogs so close to them. Yeah, I just don't pay attention to them when I'm having sex. And hopefully they get scared of what's happening.

And run away. Gibson definitely does. Yeah, he does. Okay, next question is, how do you shut your mind off when having sex? And this is from, I'll just say, this is from a female, and she said that her mind is so busy that it can sometimes ruin the moment.

I can totally relate to this. How about you? No. I can maybe think of once that's happens. Once in your whole life of having sex? Where my head just could, yeah, no, no, I mean, mate. I say maybe once, because I'm like, that kind of sounds like something that could have happened, but I can't recall.

I feel like that's like, in my experience with not just guys I've dated, but even guy friends of mine, I feel like the majority would say the same thing as you. Yeah, I mean, I feel like the hormones are, you know, the, the other head does the thinking. Yeah. They can just take over. So, yeah, I think that is tough. How, so the question is is how do you shut your mind off? I think it's just about being present. You really have to force

yourself to be present in the moment with your partner. I'm the wrong person to ask. Well, that's my answer is I think just to try to shed whatever else is going on just for you know a little bit, you're not you're not turning off what you need to do or shit that's on your mind for 24 hours, but for 24 minutes. If you're that lucky. Yeah, that's a long time to have sex. So that's my answer, but we'll keep that one in our back pocket because I think that would be an interesting question to ask As ask a sex therapist as well. We're gonna have a sexologist on.

Louisville, very soon. Da, da, da, wait for it. Speaking of sex, there was one that really made me interested and excited. And it was another female woman listener of ours that said, I've never used a sex toy. Advice on picking the right one. So start small.

Start with a vibrator. This is my advice. This is just my personal journey with sex toys. I now have an entire ginormous drawer full of them that keeps growing. Luke and I, as we've mentioned, what do we call a babe? Research. Oh, research.

I thought you meant a name for the drawer. Oh research. How did you man a name for the drawer? Oh, no. Do we have a name for the drawer? No, but it should be like the treasure chest or something like that. The pleasure chest. The pleasure chest. I think that's an actual sex toy shop. Oh, probably.

In LA. But yeah, I say, you know, start with a vibrator that has different settings and speeds start slow, play around with that. You know, if you're a dildo girl and you want to jump right in, go for it. I had not used a dildo until this past year. I think I was a little afraid of it. And again, we'll just TMI because this is what we do on this podcast. But, you know, as I think most girls have tried to use your fingers the same way a guy has sex with you, the penetration has never worked for me.

Ever. I would die to hear from a girl if it worked for her. But I think being clitorate about your clitoris would be the most helpful. And then don't be afraid to just give some things a try. There's no embarrassment surrounding it. It's self pleasure, it's self love. Take some things a try. There's no embarrassment surrounding it. It's self-pleasure, it's self-love. Take some time for yourself. What do you think, Luke?

I think if you're in a relationship, there's a lot to be said with. So my first ever introduction, my girlfriend in college, we got just like a vibrating ring that could go on me. It's called a C-O-C-K rating. I hate that word. So I won't say it, but- Okay, vibrating cockering.

Thank you. Yeah, every- But yeah, that, yeah. And so was that really for you or for her? Over her, but it was like enhanced pleasure, but she could also still, I mean, she'd use it on her own, didn't have to be, the ring didn't have part, didn't have to be used,

it still was a vibrator. Did it do anything for you? No, what does it for me? And I think what does it for a lot of guys is seeing your partner or your girlfriend whatever having more pleasure. Like that's what the hottest thing is to us. Oh, I love that.

Like you guys getting off, you guys having the heightened sense of pleasure is what is like super hot to us. Yeah, I'm really sorry you don't have a clip. I feel, I feel free, but you do get to stampying up, so it's like a nice trade off, you know? Yeah, I think it's fair. You also have childbirth and adults. Yeah, you don't have to carry a baby.

That was also in the back of my mind. Yeah. What is the best way to get over a toxic relationship? You mean to answer this? If you want to, I mean I could talk for hours. We all know I've had a few. We wrote a book about it. Well, don't. My advice is, I got some don'ts. Okay, well my advice is completely cut ties. Yeah. That's my aim. It's really my only advice is completely cut ties.

Have friends around you that are absolutely supportive. They're not going to try to tell you what you did wrong in the relationship. That's not the time. It's not the place for it. I've had I've been through that as well. There's a time and a place for your friends to have those conversations with you. And what I love, and I'm sure I've said this on the podcast before like my sister, anytime I was going through something, she always says, do you want my advice or do you want me to listen? Find the friends that are just willing to listen. Because when you're going through it, you might not realize all of the rights,

because the wrongs feel right, because it's just fucking how it happens sometimes. But I have tended to be the one that wants to hang on and think I can be friends with every ex I've ever had. to be the one that wants to hang on and think I can be friends with every ex I've ever had. I do have a few of them, but it did take time. And I think with a couple of the really toxic ones, a few of the really toxic ones, the only thing that has aided me is completely cutting ties. And I'm talking block their number,

block their email, block their Instagram. Don't see what they're doing, don't hang out where they hang out. And honestly, what I'm learning now is you can't always keep their friends either. And you know, also no DVR boxes, no shared accounts. Just because you shared, you know, a sprint account on your phones, doesn't mean you have to stay together. So what do you think? How do you get over a toxic relationship? You've had one. Don't give in to loneliness. And if you're lonely and horny, it's so easy to go back.

And that's kind of what makes it toxic. And that's something I had been guilty of in the past. And that was my toxic contribution to that relationship. So that's me speaking from my experience. It's, I think, Christen's on to something way I've moved on from that one was being single for over a year after that. But being single isn't cutting ties.

No, oh, I didn't, there was no communication either. Okay, did this person want to continue, like to speak to you? I did not have to block, I mean, we had been on and off for years and- So she wasn't as crazy as me. Good for her. No.

Just kidding. His face just got all red. Like, how do I answer that? You're cute. OK, so your don'ts are. It's hard, but don't give in when you're lonely and horny. And my do is cut all ties as hard as it may be. Honestly, you've heard the saying,

the easiest way to get over a guy is to get under someone else. Find a healthy distraction, just don't be a stage 5 clinger. You've got to work on yourself before you're ready for the next one. Definitely work on yourself. And you, Luke, reminded me of a question that we got that I found really important. And that was, what do you, this is from someone else, what do you do when you feel lonely, but you love being single? That's, yeah, that's a real tough one.

It is. I don't know if I have an answer for that to be honest, because I typically then, I don't know, I mean, I hang out with my girlfriends for sure, but I will say like, you know, over the last year or so before you and I were dating, all of my friends in LA and, and Michigan for that matter, married, kids engaged. I don't have really like single girlfriends

and the ones I have, all they wanted to do was go out and get drunk, go dancing, look for dudes, and I didn't want any of that. So I'm like, what the hell do I do? I just stay at home by myself. Well, no, you've got to do things for yourself. Like whatever, stay busy, have hobbies, et cetera. But for me, it helped having just a really good friend

that I literally talked it every day. It's in the same neighborhood I was in at the time, so we hung out a few times a week, talked almost every day, had ideas we were bouncing off each other, both like the hunting fish, so in our free time we'd go hang out. So I didn't really feel that lonely. I didn't have the companionship of a heterosexual relationship like that. But I mean, he and I had a damn good time And you know when the other side I would go on dates, but I didn't try to dive into dive back into something

Where the girls that you would go and dates with were they aware that that's where you stood or did it not get that far? Some didn't get that far some Seemed to be progressing quickly and then quickly got shut off. Yeah, I feel like I'm like a good person to answer this, but also not because I'm trying to think, I love companionship so much. And when I did go out on a few dates between my ex-boyfriend and finding you, I was very much like, I don't want to, no, I want to be single. Like screw this, I want to be single.

However, as we talked about, I think on our first episode possibly, that I was like, yeah, this stupid guy, like just stop texting me back. Like I took it so personally, even though I literally didn't want to date him. And maybe this is because I was in a toxic relationship, I was looking for that validation, and I was looking for the attention and the affection. You wanted to be wanted. Exactly. One million f-ing percent.

So I think that, yeah, I think when you fill only, you just find friends, join a book club, whatever that equals to you. Play a fun sport. Like there's like softball tournaments that my friends can enjoy. Join a league. That's a nice idea.

Yeah, like a bowling league. So you've got friends around. You got that thing every week to look forward to. I joined like three leagues. You know what, that's a good thing. Have something that you're always looking forward to that's like just for you. On top of your daily self-love work that you do.

That's a spot on that. We'll pick up another job. Like if you can find some little local bar, a golf club pro shop where you can work at the bar on Fridays, or something, just something else to keep busy. Something for you, bottom line. And then for me, it was, what do I find most attractive in a man?

And this has changed so many flipping times. But I think for me, it's drive, it's dreamy. I love dreamer. I used to say goals, but it's not goals. It's like I love a good dreamer, but not a dreamer with pipe dreams, not someone who's completely out of the loop with like reality,

but I do want someone who is as realistic as they are idealistic. Right, that has the big and huge dreams, but it continues to work on the realistic path. Yes, I think that's so important because I've dated guys that were one or the other, and the dreamers didn't work out for me because they didn't have enough drive to do anything with it, but also the very realistic sort of asshole that I dated before didn't want me to dream and sort

of ripped my dreams from me as if I were not mature enough to be my age or in that present moment. I think that's just bullshit. I think dream until you die, you know, dream forever. Yeah, couldn't agree more. So I think that's very attractive about you. And since a humor is so important, be with someone who celebrates who you are. And babe, when I did read this question, I wrote something down that I was thinking about because it really hit me.

And I was like, oh my God, Luke really lets me be 100% myself. Like we haven't been dating all that long. And I'm my happiest, my saddest, my this, my most extra, all the things. And you always accept me for who I am, you love me for who I am. You don't try to change me. You don't need me to fulfill you. It was something that I wrote down because that was something I had never thought about before.

So I think all of those things are attractive. And notice how I didn't say anything physical. However personally, I couldn't date a guy shorter than me. So that's how I feel about that. Okay, we'll do just do a couple of more that I found really fascinating. Hey Luke. Hey Kristen. This Chica would like to ask, how do I tell my boyfriend?

It makes me uncomfortable that he follows hot girls on TikTok. Hmm, that's a tough one. I know. I think that comes down to communication. You should have a safe space or a way to initiate a tough conversation if you're in a healthy relationship.

Or get a password, do them all. OK, don't do that. Unfollow everyone. Change his a password, do them all. Okay, don't do that. Unfollow everyone. Change his account to both of your names. By Kristen's book. If you want to go down that road. I wanted to say something about my book, not because I want to promote it, though I do. You guys, I get as much love as I get hate for my book.

Like, my aunt, I take dating advice from Kristen Doe to eat. Brr, brr, brr, brr, Dodie. Bra, bra, bra, bra, bra. Number one, it's not an advice book. It's a book telling you all the shit I did wrong. Learn from it if you will. If you don't feel like it, I hope you laugh. If you do neither, then get a sense of humor and try to develop healthy relationships otherwise.

I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Or why you're reading my book to begin with, to be honest. But the one thing I wanted to say is like, my book is not about all men. My book is about those men. Those dudes. Right. Not about all of them.

Not stereotyping you. Not a man-hater. Yeah. So everyone calm the fuck down. It makes her uncomfortable that he follows Hot Girls One TikTok, what to do about it. But I agree with you because ideally, you are in a healthy enough relationship

that you can communicate to your partner that this bothers you without them flipping the fuck out like a child, correct? Correct, you hope. Yeah. I am guessing her boyfriend is not one of those people. Maybe, you never know. It could be anxiety.

She's scared from a past relationship. Right, exactly. I mean, you never know. It could be anxiety. She's scared from a past relationship. Right. Exactly. It could be some past trauma. It could be something in her head worried, but she just hasn't brought it up. I think there's a calm, nice way to bring it up that shouldn't evoke an aggressive response. If you're sitting down and say, honey, can I talk to you about something that's really

bothering me? You should respond in a loving way and say, yeah, tell me about it. What's going on? And if you bring it up, like, I don't want to sound like I'm crazy or this or anything, but it just really makes me uncomfortable when I see these girls that you follow

that aren't hardly wearing anything on these social media websites, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't follow them. Have you ever been in a relationship where you've been uncomfortable or your girlfriend has been uncomfortable about whether it's, I know you're not like a huge social media person,

but, or do you have friends that a girlfriend or a sister, one of your sisters? Have you ever been in this predicament? Yes, and it wasn't that hard of a conversation. And honestly, I just unfollowed anyone that she wasn't comfortable with. So. I think for me, in my experience, it's,

I don't think I've ever had an issue or dealt with, maybe because of my age, we're just like, oh, my boyfriend's following hot girls. It was more like me figuring out he's following someone. Right, that'd be more likely. Specifically that like affected our relationship at one point. And that's where it gets tricky. When it comes to just Hot Girls. Does it feel gross?

Do you think that is it? And do you think he just like, do you think I'm just googling? Like someone's goodies that aren't mine. Right, does that make you feel gross? More than jealous. Like, the thing is again, now that this is coming from someone of like my age

and wisdom, where I don't think it would irritate me anymore. I would think you are kind of dumb for it. Like if I notice you were following just like all these like big boob like porn type chicks, I would just chalk it up to like, well you watch porn too, like you're stupid, honestly. But I know a lot of friends, girlfriends

who have gone through this before. And I just think, the bottom line is the question is how do I tell my boyfriend? I think you just have to tell him. If you're in a relationship where you can't communicate that in a calm way, where you're just saying, I don't, you know what, it might sound stupid to you, but it's something that really bothers me.

Right. And maybe you kind of a conversation about it where it won't bother you anymore, or you can't get past it, it bothers you that it shouldn't be a big deal for him to unfollow. Right. I just think as long as, I mean, if it's just these, you know, bikini influencers, that should be no problem.

I think it could be an issue. But it's not that it shouldn't be a problem because we don't know it's going on in their relationship. You're right. You're right. I'm saying, for McGuy's perspective, totally. Totally. If my girlfriend, let's say you say there was a handful of girls

that I had followed while I was single, because I, you know, what I would find out immediately. I say follow, didn't communicate with, I'm just saying, say they were there, right? And you go through the people I'm following and you're like, hey, I don't, not a big fan of you following these porn stars or these like models who don't really wear anything in their asses out all the time, I'd say no problem. Yeah, I think you have to have the conversation as to the why it bothers the other person. Right.

But not in a way that makes your partner feel bad for it. Not like, why do you care if I follow how dumb porn girls or hot girls quote unquote on TikTok. Now, why do you care? I'm faith-filled, you know, then you're a douchebag and you're not taking your girlfriends feelings into consideration.

But if you say, well, why does it bother you and have that conversation and you can come to an understanding why the other person feels uncomfortable? That's progress. Yes. I also just get a password. No, I'm kidding. Where am I just kidding? Um, Do we still hang out with the Vanderpump gang? You don't know them as the Vanderpump gang, but yes, we do know as my friends. Yeah, Brittany, Shina, Lala, I like

Brock. Yeah, I haven't I haven't hung, I like Brock. Katie, Brock. Yeah, I haven't hung out with Katie. A little bit. At our apartment. Sort of. That's kind of why you guys were talking. That's true. Katie and I don't shut the fuck up.

But yeah, we pretty much hang out with everybody that I was always close to. So if there are people that you know or want to be on that new show now. Yeah, Tom's a great too. I don't know why I didn't think of this. Yeah, we love them. Yeah, so we love them. Oh, this one's really interesting and I'll make this super short because we're going to wrap this up. Do my friends, this was for me. Do my friends still hang with my ex and am I cool with it? This is how I feel about my friends hanging with any of my exes. If I am cool with my ex, by all means, no problem. If my ex is a piece of shit and treats me like garbage, not cool with it.

I think that's just how it should be. There are moments where it does have to be you're on my side or you're not. Right, my only take and I am on your side. Oh, I know you are. My only take is that if two people, if someone was a mutual friend beforehand, right? You guys are both friends beforehand. Yeah, that can be different.

That can be, yeah, that's where I'm coming from. Is that, is it? Don't bring it to my front door. I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear about it. Yeah, don't try to flaunt that stuff. But really, if you knew, if you're my friend and you know that person really did me dirty,

I just think that it's so disrespectful. That's just how I feel. I don't know. I'm not saying I have the right answer by any means. And I'm not saying you have the wrong answer. I'm just giving my opinion. That's all I'm saying. I'm just a ride or'm a writer, die.

And I know some of you that watch Vanderpomper thinking like, oh snap, she's team Walla. Because I am. End of story. And no, I have not Luke's looking at me like, I don't understand because this is the new season that I'm weighing in on. I have not watched any of the new episodes,

but I've seen a few clips, and my girlfriends do tell me about what is going on and what is airing. So I'm writer, Dye for Lala. That's all I got to say about that. Okay, I'm gonna wrap this up with one last question because I'm gonna make you watch the Bachelor tonight. Mm-hmm.

What is my take on people finding love on the bachelor? We sort of did this earlier. Sort of, but I'm going to say what I did. What do you think? What I didn't chime in. I think bachelor in paradise is a much more realistic place that someone could find the person they're looking for versus the bachelor or the bachelor at. You literally took the words out of my mouth.

And I know that world's so much more intricately than you do, and I absolutely agree with you. Well, when we watched that bachelor in paradise, first of all, I'd ever seen it this last season. And I was like, well, this makes a lot more sense if you're actually looking for love. I mean, I said that. It's like being at a party, like you're kind of at a party.

Exactly. You're on vacation or you resort with other single people. Right. Looking for similar things, that makes a lot of sense. Putting one guy up against or one girl up against 30 people at the opposite sex. Totally. Good, frickin' luck with that. And having to essentially compete and you don't even get really the time to spend with the other person.

Right. Like, as I'm watching this, they're like, sometimes they go a week. And then you just just just propose 30 days later after. Yeah, like four weeks later, like, do you want, do you want to get down on one knee? No, hell no, I don't that's not as fucking insane Insanity insane But and the other side of that I will say my Friend Jade was on the bachelor She then was on bachelor in paradise and she found her forever

They have three kids. They're happily married, Jada and Hannah. And I think that agreeing with again what you were saying about paradise, I think that it does make a lot of sense. And I also think that being on a reality show or a docu series, whatever you want to call it, the reason we all sort of fucked and dated each other and still remain family and friends is because other people don't understand what you're going through. I became so many such good friends with a lot of bachelor people over the years because it's someone who just understands like the way I film, the way my life works, the way it is to be produced, manufactured, what that job is like. So I think that

you just have even more in common with someone when they know how your life works. So yeah, finding love on the bachelor, nothing's impossible, finding love on BAP. That's a hard yes for me. Odds are far better. Odds are better. We're talking in the gambling world.

Anyway, guys, this was us just shooting the shit. We'll be back to regularly scheduled programming next week. My tears will be dried up. My heart will be a little more full. And I'm still going to be 40. Fuck. Hello. Love you guys so much. As always, please do. I'm as right as emails. We have so much to As always, please, Dima, Sroydice emails.

We have so much to catch you up on, and we cannot wait to talk to you next week. Thank you again for being so understanding. We love you. Thanks for listening. Bye. Bye. Make sure to follow us on social media.

You can follow me on all platforms at Kristen Dodie and follow Luke on Instagram at Luke Double Under Score Broadred. Be sure to click the subscribe button so you can stay up to date with new episodes every single Wednesday. Thanks for listening. See you next week.