Sex, Love, and What Else Matters - Sexology with Dr. Logan Levkoff

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

Episode 21. This week, Kristen and Luke are joined by Dr. Logan Levkoff, Sexologist, Sexual Educator, and TV Personality. Dr. Logan is an expert on sexuality and relationships and she is here to answer all the questions that were sent in by listeners. They discuss if size really matters, squirting, orgasms, the importance of communication around sex and pleasure, and more. If you sent in a question, be sure to tune in to see if yours was answered on the pod! Follow us: @kristendoute @luke__broderick Email us: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I hope you're having a magical day. Welcome back to another episode of Sex Love and What All Smatters. This is going to be a good one, Luke's favorite subject. As always, let's talk about sex baby. We have an expert with us today in this field, so this is not just going to be a good one. Luke's favorite subject. As always, let's talk about sex baby. We have an expert with us today in this field. So this is not just going to be mine and Luke's rambling opinions per usy. As I always say, if you can't talk about sex,

you shouldn't be having sex. You do say that. So I would like to introduce to the podcast Sexologist, Dr. Logan Levkov. Thank you so much for being here with us today. Thank you so much for having me. It's clearly my favorite topic too. Otherwise, I would not have devoted my entire life to it. Yeah, so can you just start off and just tell us like how did you even get into this? Because it's fascinating to me. Yeah, I mean, it's not like you wake up one

day as a kid and say like everyone wants to be like lawyers, doctors, actors, ballerinas, I'm going to go into the sex field. But that's not, I mean, at least it's not how it happened for me. I grew up on Long Island. Yes, I'm one of those girls. At a time when this really weird blip in time when HIV specifically was no longer like closeted in terms of people like not talking about it. And and all of a sudden people in my community parents were talking had to talk right about safer sex. And so my parents for whatever reason became super involved in HIV and AIDS programming and education and

fundraising. And I came home after school one day when I was 15 years old and there were condoms and bananas on my dinner table. Oh, my God. I mean, this was new for me. I have to admit. And they said, this is how you use a condom. And next week you go to pure

training to become an HIV and AIDS educator. And I basically looked at them and said, OK, but I think what I what I found was, I mean, admittedly, I had a big ego and said, oh, okay. But I think what I found was, I mean, admittedly, I had a big ego and a big mouth. And I wasn't afraid to talk about things

that made other people uncomfortable. And for whatever reason, I found my groove and it just sort of spiraled from there. I mean, it went from talking like explicitly about, say, for sex and things under like the sexual health umbrella to master be patient and sex advice columns and all that other fun stuff too. So no, I don't think my parents had anticipated that. If you might my long-term career, but here I am 20, whatever years later, 30 years later, 30 years later. Yeah.

Were you ever taught by your parents or who taught you how to use a condom? Like, I'm thinking back, I did not know until I was having sex. Like, I was not putting condoms on a guy. Like, I had no idea what I was doing when I first started having sex. What about you? You know, they had demonstrations in class,

but for some reason, I feel like I missed those classes. And my parents didn't ever gave me the sex talk at all. So, you know, it's probably was just guys being guys talking about having sex in our teenage years and blah, blah, blah, blah. I will use an condom. We'll have you ever seen a condom and that whole conversation. Was it embarrassing to go buy condoms or did you feel cool? At first, it was like you got the walk with the swag and kind of like you kind of like

hide it behind you and at Walmart self-checkout. And you always go to the self-checkout because you don't want, you know, that's your age because I did not have self-checkout. I just had the look of scorn and shame from whoever was the cashier, which by the way, it's clearly their issue and not my issue. Yes. But we didn't have that. I mean, when I teach young people now, I'm like, you guys have it so easy, it's ridiculous.

We had to go incognito the one like pharmacy in our neighborhood. We like, as if no one's gonna know who is that to be through a baseball cap. Everyone you're right. Right. I know one time I actually bought a DVD just to like hide that I've got a box of con just behind it. You know, I'm like, that's like a walk through the aisle

without displaying, I'm holding a box of Trojans. But I think that's really cool of your parents and like really important because especially nowadays, I mean, I just turned 40. Luke is 31, almost 32. And even though we're semi close in age, we're still in very different kind of the way we were raised, I think, around those teenage years.

And now, I mean, I have an 18-year-old nephew and a 26-year-old niece. And I remember when my niece was in middle school and was telling me about how girls were giving blow jobs. And my brain exploded. Middle school? Mm-hmm. It's crazy.

Like, I mean, think about when you watch TikTok and stuff these days. That's why there's all those funny memes where it's like, me and eighth grade versus what eighth grade looks like now. It's just very wild and I wonder Logan like if you know what is like I guess safe sex look like for kids these days are like you know. It's a good question. So it's funny because in 2000 which really is going to age me in an immense way. There was an article on the style section, the front cover of the style section of the New York Times,

and it was called the face of teenage sex grows younger. And it was literally all about middle schoolers and other high school girls giving blow jobs on the way to parties and other things. And for whatever reason, I guess it was, call it fate. My phone started to ring ring and people are like, can you come in and speak to our students? Like clearly we have something going on.

And it was unclear whether or not, like it was really representative of what everyone was doing. And it wasn't. However, it was a change in conversation about what counted is sex, what counted as pleasure. To me, the interesting thing wasn't so much that people were experimenting with sex. It was like, there was no equity,

there was no pleasure, there was no reciprocation. I was like, that's not feminism. Right? Like, if you're going to tell me that giving a blowjob means you have power, that's great. If the other side of it is, and I get mine too, and it feels good, and I feel empowered by that. Right.

But if you say, no, I'm gross, but I'm going to just do it to get it over with. Like that's, let's not the same thing. That is like a phenomenal point because I remember, to be honest, like the first time I ever gave a blowjob, I felt like I wasn't, it was very mutual, of course, but I was, I was in high school

and I just felt like, I guess it's time to do this for the first time. And I don't know what I'm doing. And then it was like gossiped about it a party. And then everyone knew. And I felt like the whole school. And it really was just me doing this because that's what I thought this person wanted.

And that was my role, I guess. And now as an adult who clearly we have a sex love podcast where I just feel so differently about it. But I don't really think that that shifted for me until probably when I got 30 years old. Like I think even in my 20s, I was still not as comfortable standing, you know, communicating what I want, you know, what my boundaries are,

what I want, what I'm willing to explore and having those adult conversations with my partners. So I mean, I have to admit, like when I went to college, I really did not think that this was going to be my profession, right? I mean, I thought I was gonna be a lawyer, I thought I was gonna like put my big mouth to use in a different way. And what I found though was that a lot of my friends

who were really smart and sophisticated women who were unmatched in every other aspect of their life were falling the fuck apart when it came to their relationships. Like they were a mess. We collectively wore a mess. We didn't know how to speak up for ourselves. We didn't know how to talk about boundaries or consent.

We certainly didn't know how to talk about pleasure. We didn't know how to talk about whether we wanted a monogamous relationship or whether or not we didn't know how to talk about boundaries or consent. We certainly didn't know how to talk about pleasure. We didn't know how to talk about whether we wanted a monogamous relationship or whether or not we didn't. We just didn't have any of that language. I thought, okay, there really has to be something better out there. Some of it was that I was trained to talk about uncomfortable things, but also there was this huge need that women in particular at that time were just like not given the tools to feel empowered. And that sucks because we carry

that into everything else we do. I have so fucking lootly and I'm like, Luke and I really have, I'm like a serial monogamous, I'm a relationship gypsy, I go from one to the next, I'm not the single girl pretty much ever. But we've actually only been dating, I guess, seriously, like five months, and I feel like it's the most open line of communication. I mean, yeah, it has a lot to do with more than just our communication,

but it's the best sex I've ever had, mostly because of our communication, because we're very vocal to each other about what we want, where our boundaries lie. You know, it's just a lot of conversation, and it's just like the hottest thing ever to you. You know, don't you agree? Yeah.

I think talking about it is like really interesting, and going into the toy box. And going into the toy box, and things like that. I think it's just one of those drawer box treasurer. It's a drawer, yeah. It's a jazz or pleasure jazz. It's a pretty large drawer, yeah. But I think that is important because a lot of women

especially do, I think, have that issue. Even some of my friends, like married friends, are still not communicating certain things. Yeah, and I think the part of it is that we often, and look, I'll make a generalization, obviously, it's not true for everyone. But I think there's an innate discussion when you, like, in the child rearing of, you know, people who have a penis that,

you know, like, there's pleasure. There is, you know, you are going to have partners. You are going to explore this part of yourself alone with a partner, but like, it's innate to who you are. You know, my own experience, what I watch, others, it's not the same, right? For the other, you know, almost half the population, oh, now I was like, wait a minute.

Like, we talk about only the parts that are inside our body, which is great, but like, does that mean my only reproductive potential? Because that doesn't sound fun and exciting. And like, I was the kid in fifth grade, like, we were talking about puberty, and all we did was focus on the uterus, and I'm like, wait, those are not the parts that I see.

I thought it was like enough for Lafogas. Like, am I only the only person who sees like what's between my legs? I don't understand. Like, why is it? Why do we talk about that? And so I think that for lots of us, we weren't even taught that it was okay to think. I mean, forget that we had an innate sexuality. We weren't even allowed to think about what we wanted.

It was supposed to happen at this magically, culturally, religiously appropriate time. And then like, boom, today, magic, you are now sexual. Right. You're next. Where are the crown, which is bullshit. Yeah, I remember reading something. I don't know if it was a blurb from an article,

or if it was like a blurb from, you know, some kind of a show that you did. But I remember reading a quote from you about changing sex and sexuality to not being dirty. Like those words aren't dirty. Like it's a beautiful thing. It's a pleasure thing. It needs to be, there has to be normalcy to it. If you want to enjoy it and not be afraid of it. Right, just make it less taboo, because it's like still such a taboo subject. Especially where I'm from in Indiana being very conservative state.

Like people kind of pull back if you start opening up about sex, they're like, I don't talk about that. Yeah, I think it. You know, they're thinking about it. They're definitely watching porn or whatever it is. And not to say everyone has to be as vocal as you, Dr. Logan, is, or like the way Luke and I are on this podcast. I'm not recommending or saying that that's what I think

all of our listeners need to be like shouting in a microphone about what their private sex life is like. But at least with honest with yourself and with whatever potential partners you're going to have. It's the only way to have pleasure. And I do think as a woman, there was a lot of things that I didn't know or realize. And I think we have a lot of questions about this, a lot of my girlfriends say like, I never had an orgasm until this partner. Sheena, actually, my friend Sheena, that was on our podcast, who has had sex with a lot of people, like not a ton. I'm not, Sheena is wonderful, but she's married now.

This married was her second husband, but she told us that day on our podcast, I've known this girl for like probably 15 years, and she said she never had truly had an orgasm until her husband now, which absolutely blew my mind. Like, why are you even doing it then? Right.

Well, yeah, she answered that question, but I think that you being so surprised, I don't think it's because you have orgasms regularly. I multi. She's very busy. But I don't think it's that uncommon, at least for my understanding about it all, that there, it's just not that uncommon, do you agree? Yes, I think the problem is, is that we expect that there's going to be this magical partner, right?

That is going to like touch us in all the right ways and all of a sudden we're like, today it's the day. Yeah. I feel it, I am, whatever. I mean, look, that's great. But in my experience, both professionally and personally, like no one is a mind-fater, no one's going to magically get it. You better figure it out first yourself. Yes. But the only way to do that right is to be in an environment that encourages you to explore your body, to understand what pleasure feels like,

you know what? And by the way, like even if we, you know, even if we were in a super conservative environment and I was doing some kind of like parent or guardian workshop and someone says like we don't talk about masturbation might response would be okay. So put it into a health umbrella. How do you know when something is off for your body? If you don't know when like what your typical baseline is, right? So it's not just about pleasure. It's about so much more than that.

So you know, any of my friends who had brothers growing up like masturbation was always talked about like the, I mean, back in the day, the magazines with the pages stuffed it. Yeah, because you're not on a herd of. Obviously now with the internet, that's a little bit different. But you don't know one talked about masturbation as it related to girls or women ever growing. No, never. It was always about the guys. And think about like the generations of people who would be so much better off and their partners by the way, right? If they understood that they had an innate capacity for pleasure and didn't have to rely on someone else, right?

Because the relationship problem is if we don't get the experience like we expect from movies, whether that's pornography or anything else, we start to think that either we're broken, which by the way is a vicious cycle forever, or we look at the person we're with and say, no, there's something wrong with you. I mean, I'm doing it right. And neither of those, like, those are not great strategies for long-term success. Right. Oh my God. My brain is like, you're just vibing so hard. I cannot agree with you. Obviously, you are the professional. So duh, I should be agree with you, but like, I really, through my experience

and the timeline of when I learned what I learned and when I felt more comfortable to explore, I completely agree with you on all of those platforms. So, can you open any questions right now, Luke? Or do you want to go to some of those certain questions? I'm ready to die with any questions. We've got a lot to get through. So I feel like we'll vibe with some of that.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. These are all anonymous from social media. And the first one is, like, how do I get over the idea? It's from a female that I'm dirty down there. And I don't like, so it's to be eaten out, you know, kind of like, so I don't want someone to go down on me because in my brain, I feel like it's gross.

Like, is there, what would you advise? Or... So I think there are a few things. I think we have to be honest. I mean, we live in a world where we are sold every product in the book to make us feel taste smell like something that we are not supposed to taste or smell like, right? Like, you are not supposed to smell like baby powder

or rose petals or coconut oil or whatever it is, right? Like, those things are nice, but like, that's that. Like, no, bodies have fluid and innate tastes and smells those metals or coconut oil or whatever it is. Right? Those things are nice, but that's that. No, bodies have fluid and innate tastes and smells and moss. And that's, first of all, that's really sexy to a lot of people. Absolutely. But that takes a lot of reframing to think about that, that I am not supposed to smell like the products on advertisements.

So that's the first thing. I think the other thing sometimes is to explain to a partner, particularly a partner that makes us feel safe. Why this is uncomfortable for us? You know, maybe it was, and I by the way still have recollections of walking past the boys' locker room, like the high school boys when I was in middle school, like listening to them say things like smell my finger, dude, right? And I think about like every one sort of standing outside, like, oh my God, that's how they speak about us. I mean, all of that.

And so sometimes to say to someone, like, that's what I remember, right? And that's why I'm so uncomfortable. Or I can even say like, boys, because they're not men, but boys with lack of maturity, lack of like awareness, and when you're younger, because they don't even actually know much about a vagina at all, because the number they don't have

one, number two, their boys, but I can very specifically not to me, but a girlfriend, it's like it was yesterday and being like, oh my God, he said that I smelled funny down there. And like, I can imagine that that could sort of stick in the back of your mind forever if you don't work on yourself to know that they're an idiot. And by the way, that idiot wouldn't know what evolve or the vagina sound like anyway.

Exactly. We're basing so much of this on people with zero experience of what the human body is like in general. So I don't think it's something that we can just quickly get over, but I think if we, once we start sharing these things, then like slowly, we can experience certain things in a way that we're comfortable, right? And sometimes you do need reassurance from a partner and that's okay. And there are things that we could do,

if really like, you know, if you're really uncomfortable being sexual to someone without like, you know, like after the gym, if you're super sweaty, like, by the way, for some people, like, that's a huge turn on. Yes. People, it's not like, you just have to think about, how am I going to create an environment where I am going to feel my best and start there? And then slowly see what else you can do to push those boundaries. But I think sometimes, it's important to think about like where that comes from. I remember those conversations as a kid and it does. It takes a lot to undo some of that, but you know, identifying them as the first

reason, like on low level. So do you think a simple answer might be to like try when you're right out of the shower, like when you know you feel clean? I don't know. For this person specifically, it says they feel dirty down there. How do they, you know, get over that know, for this person specifically, it says they feel dirty down there, how do they get over that feeling? Maybe the first they try to ease into it with that to build that confidence, so they don't have that negative feedback

they probably have the past. When you go out, when you're like, you know, feeling your best, look in your best, you put it, you know, a little bit of like lipstick on and you know, you kind of, you brushed your hair and put a little outfit on, just on any giving day, right?

You just feel better than if you were in your pajamas and not showers. It certainly, I mean, it couldn't, it absolutely couldn't hurt to try. But in reality, like, if this is something that's been a big deal for a long time, the truth is, like a shower and another self might not like do anything, especially because like

all those products that were so old, like, what else is supposed to be using, right? So all the things that people say, like, use vaginally, no, please don't do. Like you're not supposed to. Right? So absolutely. Absolutely. You know, try these things, but I think also just, you know, figure out

like where it's coming from and realize that oftentimes these things that stick with us are based on the stupidest people alive. Who know absolutely nothing. I love that. I have a teenage son. So like, I would say the same thing to him. would stick with us are based on the stupidest people alive who know us. Nothing. I love that. I have a teenage son. So like I would say the same thing to him. Like I don't want anyone to think I'm, you know,

anti male. I'm certainly not. But I do think we forgot that we're, you know, like teenagers are dumb for a reason. They don't have an experience. We've all three of us have been teenagers and we were all dumb. Like I mean, there's just truth.

Maybe not you because you actually learned much from me. Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not bleepy. I was, I was a teenager. Like, I made, here's the thing. Like, I made plenty of mistakes. Like, there are definitely things I did that in hindsight. I'm like, I don't know about that. I'm not sure I would want that for the, you know,

my own, my own teenagers. But I, but I do know that I'm the person today. I am today because of those experiences. And because I was able to sort of figure out like how to get them to make sense in my life and take ownership of those. And by the way, even as a professional in this space now, like I don't claim to be better at relationships or marriages or whatever than anyone else. Like I am real, but I'm really good at I'm really good at saying I'm sorry and holding myself accountable. Like, maybe that makes me slightly different, but believe me, I fuck up just like everyone else.

Yeah, I think you and I, when I had a, when you and I talked on the phone, I said, as soon as you told me something along those lines, I said, you sounded exactly like my therapist, because my therapist who helps me along with like my own self-confidence, worth all of the things deep down and also has, you know, helped Luke and I a lot in our communication. But the first thing she says is like, my marriage is not fucking perfect. I'm not fucking perfect. I have moments where all human beings, you just have a higher understanding, education,

learning experience, and that is why you do it to do. You know. And also, I think that other piece of it is, I think we forget, especially where relationships on TV and movies like often seem like really glossy and perfect and lovely, but there's really not a lot of vulnerability that gets modeled very often, right? And in a way that doesn't sound like it's like,

you know, blown up for the sake of something else. And I say that as someone who's, was on a reality show for a moment. And I think that it's important to remember that like relationship, sex, and when I say relationships, I don't mean like long-term capital R, whatever like interaction with another person, takes a huge amount of vulnerability

and admitting that you're, you know, sometimes to blame and you're sorry and you've made a mistake and you're not perfect, adults are really bad at that. Yeah, I know, sometimes to blame and you're sorry and you've made a mistake and you're not perfect Adults are really bad at that. Yeah, I want to really really bad I'm gonna shift from the question just for one quick second because I'm glad you brought it up because I know everyone listening is gonna go Wait reality TV what? So you were on married at first sight. Not as a contestant Not right not as. Not as a spouse.

I was on the first three seasons of married at first sight as the sexuality and relationship, attraction, expert. What was that experience like for you? That shit. That's crazy. Yeah. I mean, really long TV is, trust me. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're elements of it that are amazing. You know, look, when you're married, when I mean, when you have a show where you marry strangers at first site on television, like people who are coming in are not necessarily representative of the average person, right? Although I will say the first first season, you know, it's different, right? Because no one knows what they're signing up for. So you get people who are like really committed to the process, which is fantastic, right? And they're willing to take risks. And clearly they're taking some very big risks.

Huge. You know, any subsequent season becomes a little bit different, right? Because people know what's happening. So, you know, you get people who like, like some of the attention, like some of the drama, I mean, some are there for their, you know, for genuine reasons, but it's a lot of genuine. Some there for social media followers. Yeah. Like every reality show. Yes, for social media followers. Oh, boom.

It's like every reality show. Yes, it could be. It could be that. So with that part, too. That's my opinion. Not your side. Not putting words in mouth, but as someone on reality TV, that's how I feel.

No, listen, I absolutely get it. And I think it becomes really, when you have a social experiment, it becomes really hard to figure out who's there, because they want to fully immerse themselves in something that's really hard to figure out who's there because like they want to fully immerse themselves in something that's really hard and challenging, but potentially amazing or not, right? I mean, that's always it. And that's why I mean, look,

I left after the third season, so I think they're on like 18 or 19 or 20 or something like that now. I have not been privy to all that other stuff, but. Right. Where the contestants like, for the, in your experience, were they receptive

or was it kind of like the mix and match of it? You know, it's really hard. I would say the first season, yeah, I mean, people were real, like it was a real experiment. And people were willing to be vulnerable and not be pretty, you know? And that was kind of magical. Like for me, when I, I had been asked to do a lot of different things

and when I got this call for the shit, like marrying strangers on television, I said, I don't even tell me. I'm not doing it. There's no way, there's no way to hell I'm doing this. Like this is going to be the end of my career. Like, no. And so someone said it was a show that had started in Denmark. And they said, you know, do me a favor.

Just like watch a couple episodes. And so they sent me this link. It was in Danish with, you know, English, a favor, just like watch a couple episodes. And so they sent me this link. It was in Danish with, you know, English, that title. And I would not stop watching. Like I was so riveted. Like it was like holding a mirror up to my own life. Like how was your relationship?

Is this how you process? Is this how you communicate? It was awesome. And I just thought, okay, I can do it. Yeah, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. Yeah, I can't do it.

I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I the psychology behind it. Oh, okay, it was awesome. I mean, and I think that, I mean, that was the one thing that I loved about it was that, I thought that viewers got a lot of education too, even if they were like tuning in to see if someone was gonna combust you or not. Right, right? Which I mean, a lot of them, not gonna lie, a lot of them combusted.

A lot. Typically that's what makes good reality TV. Unfortunately. Yeah. Okay, so we'll go back to our questions. Do you wanna go next? Or do you want me to go? I have like a million. Typically, that's what makes good reality TV, unfortunately. Yeah. OK, so we'll go back to our questions. Do you want to go next? Or do you want me to go? I have a million. You keep going on the girl questions.

I'll go to the one set. OK, so this is, I mean, Luke and I actually, I think we talked about this on our first or second episode of our podcast. But I got this a lot from a lot of different women and men anonymously. Can any girl squirt? Can I train myself to, how do I help that?

Is it good? Is it bad? Is it this? Is it that, you know, just talking about it in general? A million questions. Yeah, I mean, it's a tough question to answer. Like, is it possible? Possible.

Like, can some people do it really easily? Yes, can some people try and try and try and never? Yes. For me, I think that anytime we have, and this is going to sound like a really safe answer, but I think that this is part of this is the problem with why we're so concerned about sex all the time, is that we have these words or these ideas

that make us seem like if we don't do these things, we're not great or advanced or awesome at sex, right? Like squirting feet up there is one of the things. And I think that whole hierarchy sort of psychs us up from enjoying sex and intimacy is what it is. So could you watch some videos on education about squirting and could you get into a super relaxed state and have a partner?

I mean, yes, but if it doesn't happen for you, that doesn't mean you're bad at sex, right? That's the thing that I think becomes problematic is that we have this idea that in order to be good at something, you have to check off this list and this is one of the things. If you ever haven't worked out some like that, who cares? Porn does that a lot for people. I think, like, once I realize years and years ago, obviously, but that like, I don't have to be like the girl in that particular porn in order to please my partner and make sure I have pleasure.

I think it kind of goes back to what you were saying about, like, the advertisements or the movies or the what we see out there, that's not always real life. You know, for sure. And in a world where, you know, every sex position has some stupid name attached to it. I guess I'm a realist in terms of how I see sex. Like if there are certain things that work for you and always work for you and you find them fulfilling and that's what you love, like amazing. Amazing. Doesn't mean you can't try other things. Sure. But like if those other things

aren't fulfilling to you, like that doesn't make you like a bad or non-experimental person. Right. Right. Yeah. Uh, question here. Multiple people asked, is your relationship doomed if your sex drives aren't compatible? Ah, that's a great question. Okay, so let's talk about a few different things that I think it conflated all the time and people are like, I don't know what any of those words mean anymore. So there are a few things, right?

There is arousal and there is desire and there is orgasm. Arousal is basically your body's way of saying, like, I am ready to go, blood flow is in all the right parts, like, bring it on. Now, by the way, sometimes that happens, like, even if your brain is not in sync and you don't want something,

but your body is telling you, like, my body is ready. Desires, what happens, like, mentally. It's all the stuff that either can, like, really help you or really make things really fucking challenging, right? Those are often the things that we call like libido or drive. It has to do with the more mental things. Like, can we, do we have the ability to turn on?

And then orgasm is literally just involuntary muscle contractions that come when blood plowls in the genitals causing all this tension and that those contractions cause this release and and to really like feel good feeling. So all those things are different. That's actually really interesting in a way I've never really thought about it. The orgasm is just the straight up physical part,

not the mental euphoria or whatever. Now it's actually really interesting. Just involuntary muscle contractions. And by the way, it doesn't even mean it's at the same time as ejaculation if someone ejaculates, right? I mean, it often comes around the same time, but it doesn't have to.

And for other, you know, for lots of people doesn't happen exactly the same way. So the answer to this is, you know, your relationship isn't doomed if you have different, like patterns, it's a matter of doing a few things. Like figuring out like under what circumstances does sex and desire work for you. You know, oftentimes there's this amazing book by Dr. Amalini Goski called Come As You Are,

and it describes sort of how people turn on, and it describes like desire sort of like as a car. You know, we have accelerators and breaks, and so oftentimes we like, throw shit at a problem like all these accelerators, all these things like champagne, chocolate, lingerie, whatever. But here's the thing, like if your foot is on the break because you're stressed out, you don't feel good about yourself, you're having other issues, like there's no amount of stuff you can throw at it that's going to like magically fix something. The short answer is no, your relationship is in doomed if you have different like Loubieters. It's a matter of thinking about like, you know, what are the things we can do for

each other's part, you know, for a partner to sort of lessen the stresses so that at least we have the ability to turn on. Right? And any, uh-oh, I'm just, I'm sitting there, my feet. Yeah. Yeah. It's Dr. Logan is laughing right now because I'm looking at Luke going, oh, he, oh, because he always says like, we don't really have this sound and issue, it's not a problem. It's just I tend to let stress affect me where my libido goes very low, where Luke is the opposite. So if he stressed, he wants to be intimate

in order to deplete his stress. So I'd actually prefer to be more like him, but I just don't know how. No, I totally get it. So I think what we need to do a better job as partners, that is thinking about like how do we, how do we create an environment where someone can feel, right? Like sex could be something they could engage in. And the other thing I want to say is, like, I mean, yes, there's compromise and there are going to be times that you should be intimate for the just because it's nice to connect with a partner and particularly because the pleasure happens for everyone or at least should.

But also like there are lots of things that count as sex, right? At the end of the day, pleasure, whether it ends in orgasm or not, like counts, it all counts. So okay, so maybe you're not having like penis in vagina intercourse, like regularly as much as you would like, but you're doing other things like give you pleasure. That's all good, right? Like that's that's good. So sometimes we have to just redefine like maybe our experiences are not like our neighbors, but like who cares?

They're not supposed to be. Okay. So this is another question. This is a specific question that I got, but then I kind of I'm going to broaden it a bit because I think it ties into what a lot of people are wondering. So one listener said, how do I get my boyfriend to time me up?

And with that, I'm, Kristen, me, Kristen, saying, how to communicate wanting to explore sexuality like beyond what they do now. You know, Venezuela. Right. Is what a lot of people call it. Or the routines. It's a routine. You know what,ola is what a lot of people call it. Or the routines.

It's a routine. You know, what kind of, how to explore and learn to communicate with your partner without, you know, if you're a very sexual person and you always have been and you think you have this wonderful relationship, but you have no idea how to, you know, suggest. Let's try this because it would really mean a lot to me. Yeah, and I think that the, the, the, the, the, when you think about it, the reason why we don't is all that stuff we talked about, right, at the, at the start, right,

which are all of the assumptions and judgments and we're so afraid of speaking up about what we might want or fantasize about or try for fear that someone else is going to hear it and judge us or label us or attach them like really horrible term or phrase to us, right? Which is what we don't want, particularly from the people that we are sharing our bodies within some way.

So I think that the first thing that becomes really helpful and it's kind of, you know, it often seems silly but lots of people can't have trouble starting a conversation by saying like, hey, you know, I really love our intimate life and there's something I've wanted to try, right? That's a hard thing for a lot of people to do. So sometimes we have to be a little strategic, right? Whether it's, you know, maybe there's a scene in a movie that is like super hot that like, is the trigger for you, right? Like, it's old school, but nine and a half weeks has never done me wrong. Have you seen the movie? Nine and a half weeks?

Yeah, I don't think so. Oh, okay. It's the time. I know. I know. I'm a 90s baby. All right. I'm a 90s baby.

Well, we're going to teach her. Yeah. Listen, that's okay. We're not going to hold it against you. But there are a lot of, there are a lot of things, right? That we can pinpoint either when we were young and it was something that was super exciting, jazz, or something we've seen recently

or read about that we can incorporate and as we're watching this, say like, I've never tried that. I would really love to try that with you. So it's not about like, I'm starting a new conversation. You're using the cues from around you. And that's the same thing for like, I mean, it's viarotica is so hot, right?

I mean, and it doesn't have to be like explicit pornography. It's that you can like read things that stimulate fantasies for you. And then maybe it's even a matter of saying to a partner, I mean, look, I'm a big, I'm gonna say, I'm an opportunist, but not, I'd like to say not in the parasitic kind of sense. Like I just think we should use every opportunity available to us.

And like maybe someone is listening to this and saying, going back and saying, you know what, it occurs to me, like I've actually never talked about my partner, like about something I've wanted to try. And maybe like to all the listeners, you now have homework. Like go talk about something. Right. Because maybe your partner is thinking the exact same thing

or something different that they want to try that they've not brought up to you And you now just opened up this huge different line of communication where you can like talk about these fun ideas and decide like where do we start and then where are we willing to go and You know, I mean I think again like Luke and I have been together five months, but we've tried more fun things than anyone I've ever been with because we're just like, I don't know, let's try. And then there's other things that we've discussed, like something like role play where he's like,

yeah, I mean, let's try that. And I just feel so ridiculous and I don't think I would be able to like stay into it. But not that I wouldn't be willing to try, but it's also what I've learned about something specific, like roleplay, like it's okay to laugh though. It is okay to laugh and you don't have to stay in character if it doesn't feel right for you,

but you're gonna find a way if you just give things a shot. It's just about trusting communication at the end of the day. Right? And by the way, I don't know when like, this has been my ongoing issue for the last, like, five years, particularly with my teenage students, they always say, like, Logan, how do I ask for this without being awkward?

Logan, how do I talk about, like, protection without being awkward? And I, like, I say to them all the time, who the hell told you sex wasn't awkward? Like, of course, it's awkward. These things don't come naturally to us. Like, we don't, I don't know anyone that like emerges from birth and it's like, I can talk about what my body wants.

I'm like, I'm not like, no, it talks like that. So, I mean, awkwardness is part of it. It's vulnerability. I mean, bodies make noises. Bodies have smells and sounds like it's awkward. Body shapes differently. Like, totally. And sometimes I think the best part is like,

no one is going to remember the best orgasm they ever had, even if that's a thing. But they're going to remember at the time they used so much lubricant that someone flew off the side of the bed and they had another grand hysterical laughing, right? Those are the moments, you know, and even if you don't wind up with that partner for the long run,

like you always sit back and smile at that like one ridiculous experience. So I think this idea that we like again I have to do things like school polished and so well Just just are so counterintuitive to any type of pleasure in the end. Yeah, I think that's also it I guess more teenage things some people still carry it later on I'm saying the whole awkward and weird thing like at some point you accept that awkward and weird is a part of life. Oh, correct. Right, you're going to go through it.

It's not about trying to be cool. No. In teenage years, I know myself, I was more focused on being a cool person, you know what I mean? When I'm a teenager, then I care now. You know, I'm not trying to impress people I don't care about. I think about like friends of mine who were either in long-term relationships, engagements or marriages and then get back out, you know, get back out there.

They've done the awkward, the weird, they've had the partner forever, but now that person is gone and they're gonna be trying with someone new and it comes with the awkwardness. Right. And there were like water someone's expectations of me. Like what if I don't match those expectations? I mean, you know, all of that stuff I think becomes really challenging.

I mean, I look, I mean, I'm in the sex world, sex world that happened for like a really long time. And there was nothing more stressful than like being at a bar and someone asking like what you did for a living and some like me. Some of you, I'm like, please don't, like, don't make any assumptions about me. Like, that is not gonna be helpful to any of us in the end, right? Like, people are not good or bad at sex of any kind. People are either good communicators and listeners

and care about their partner's needs, or they don't. And if they don't, then you should take them to the curb, right? Like, you aren't in it. Lou, yeah. No, seriously you should get them to the curb, right? You put them like that. You aren't in a... Hallelujah. No, seriously, Holly Luey to that. It's something that Luke always says, has always said to me since our relationship was like that him pleasuring me gives him pleasure.

And I feel the same way. Like, I'm not the biggest lover of blow jobs. I thought no woman was. I have a lot of friends who love it. Not my favorite thing, but one of my favorite things is, is making him happy and making him feel pleasure. Some of my girlfriends and I joke about the BJTC, like, too completion.

I have one specific girlfriend who's like, she's married and she's like, oh, no, no, no, no. He knows that's not the thing. You know what I mean? But it's funny, we can talk about it, we can laugh about it, but I think it really does come down to like, not's funny, we can talk about it, we can laugh about it, but I think it really does come down to like, not worrying, but knowing that your pleasure is so important, but knowing that your partner is, and that your partner has to feel the same way.

And I love what you said. I want every listener you guys, it is okay to be awkward, take that, it is okay to be awkward. That was so important in a way that you said it that I've never thought of before. Yeah. Good, I'm glad. I just, I land all the time, I think,

but like all of the dumb things I've said or done. And I lay off about it because it, I mean, but it was so genuine, right? I mean, it came from this really real place. And I think that if we pretend to be something we're not or pretend to like, and I don't mean like a deliberate ball play, but if we're pretending to be a character because we think that's like the way to be a sexual person,

I mean, the likelihood is we're not gonna do the character that well because that was a character for a reason, but it's not gonna feel right to us, right? So our experiences aren't gonna match. And pleasure comes in all different forms. You have to be able to, you know, physical pleasure is great, but like if you're doing something the whole time like worrying like,

am I doing this right? I don't think this feels good. Is this feeling good? I think that's a little bit of good stress. Like that doesn't really feel great. Like that's gonna change whatever physical thing you're feeling for sure. Yeah, I've got a question. I don't know if this is something that you're comfortable answering.

Fan question, do straight men really enjoy but play done to them? Oh, yeah. That's a great question. The answer is yes. Yes. Someone's enjoyment of prostate play or anal play has zero to do with their sexual orientation. It simply has to do with the fact that there are nerve endings and the prostate, basically aside from secreting fluid, its only purpose is pleasure. So, enjoying anal play has zero to do with whether or not you are attracted to some of the has said in the past, essentially. Yeah, I mean shit. Yeah, it's absolutely absurd. Like bodies, right? Bodies all have the capacity for pleasure.

100% like plenty of straight guys like Annlplay. And the other thing is like there's no such thing as like gay sex or a straight sex. Like there are lots of different types of sex and all people explore them in some way. Right, what all out of that. People are not good. Is I think that is the person or the sexuality of the person that you are in love with or that you are into is not

influenced by how far you want to try to get to the next level of pleasure, right? So basically, a guy that is clearly comfortable in their sexuality, only into women, doesn't need to worry about that. If they're like, want to think that they can or want to try to experience a more intense orgasm, right? Yeah.

Essentially. Yeah. I mean, the other thing is, is that look, I mean, the other piece of it, right, is that there are lots of people who identify as straight, who primarily have relationships with someone of a sex that they are not. But, you know, like experimentation is also a really like big part of people's lives throughout the lifespan. So, you know, it's so hard to live in a world now where they're all these identifiers

because on one hand it's amazing, right? It's amazing because it means there's a community of people like you. The challenge with it is though, is that, you know, sometimes we evolve or move in different ways from this label or find other ways to identify ourselves and we feel guilty about shedding one label and moving into another or no label at all.

So I'm just sort of a big believer in like you be you. You are attracted to whoever it is that you are attracted to. Sometimes that attraction is explainable. Sometimes it is not and that's okay. I love that so much. That's a good thing. I've dated only men that thought of dating a woman. Does it really work for me? But I have definitely experimented with women. I probably will continue to do so. It's just that I personally, for no reason at all, that I personally just like to be with guys. That's just me, I'm not saying anyone who's not,

you know, the bisexual or the sexually fluid or the whatever you wanna call it, I don't have a label, like I just am who I am and I think that's so important. But I do agree, there's such a positive and a little bit of a negativity to it for people that don't know. But experimenting is so important.

Okay, another question. Oh, I got a lot of these, how to get back in the mood post-baby. So not only are you a sexologist, but you're a lot of these. How to get back in the mood post-baby. So not only are you a sexologist, but you're a mother. Yes. There was a lot of like, when is the time, whatever, but I think to sum it all up, it's like,

just what is it, if you have any advice for women that are like, I really want to, but I'm just, ugh, you know, I'm sure tired, not feeling their bodies, probably still in pain, or whatever it is, I have a lot of friends who just gave birth. Yeah, not fun. Not, I mean, not feeling their bodies, probably still in pain or whatever it is. I have a lot of fun. I'll just gave birth. Yeah. Not fun. Not, I mean, not fun.

So, I mean, I just, you know, in the spirit of full disclosure, like it's been a long time since I've given birth. I haven't seen you're all that important. You're all so, you know, it's been a while. But I do, there are things that I definitely remember. In fact, actually, one of the first things I remember is my OBGYN looking at me at the six-week post-birth appointment and saying, are you ready for sex? Because if not, I could tell you that you are forbidden from having it for a while. I'm like, well, thank you so much,

kind. My doctor. You know, I think that this is one of those really challenging things, because this is a time when all of a sudden, you know, your body becomes someone else's and it's not your spouse. By the way, it's definitely not yours anymore, but it's also not a partner or spouse. So that becomes this contentious thing where really partners just want to feel loved and close. And so intimacy becomes really important. They certainly don't want to feel replaced by this small being that is now taking over your life, which they will be for a while. Like, and that's a really hard thing. I think that one of the things to remember

is that having your partners in doctor's appointments is really helpful. Because your doctor can say things differently than you can to say like, look, sex could be very painful. Things might be very uncomfortable. You might not want these things. And it's different from like a medical professional saying it than you with the individual saying it, right? The partners hear differently when it comes from someone else. The other piece of it to remember is that, you know, not just like the body image relating things

and maybe discomfort and pain, which is real. And that's, I mean, that's a big thing. Like, lubricant is going to be really important, really important postpart. Like, for a long time, and a partner is going to want to know, like, we're going to need to take this really slowly. This is, you know, I might be uncomfortable. It doesn't mean I'm not into it. It doesn't mean I don't want to share myself with you, like, but like, this is going to be a little bit different for a while. And then the other thing is that like,

the things that might have been sexual, and erotic, and erogenous to you before might not be the same now. Like, I think like the most obvious thing, obviously, are breasts and nipples, right? Which are like, you know, for lots of people are super hot and sensitive and like, whatever you can do. Like some people are orgasmic just from such.

Like every man I've ever been with, that's amazing. But post-birth, like breasts might, might for some serve a different function. They might be uncomfortable. They might be swollen and you're like, eh, I'm not really into this anymore. So it also requires not just an understanding of what's going on medically so that a partner

can feel like they're not being replaced or rebuffed in some way, but also an understanding that bodies are gonna change in lots of ways, which gives us an opportunity now to like rediscover what might be new and exciting to a partner now. Like you can't take anything for granted. Like that worked before,

but if I say like, ooh, that's really uncomfortable now, then okay, there are other areas to explore. Let's figure out what those are. All right, so another question multiple people ask. And if you're comfortable answering it, does size matter? I mean, that's as classic a question as like,

what came first, the chicken or the egg? Right. And the answer is, it depends, which no one likes to hear. Right. But I think also a lot of people don't understand that like, the depth or in like diameter of a vagina varies like a penis does, right? Is that accurate?

Well, and also when the vagina is sexually aroused, the vagina also expands too. It elongates and expands. And listen, there is so much that people do not know about vulvas and clitoruses and vaginas, including the fact that the penis is actually the same as the clitoris. They're just arranged differently. Right. When we grow up saying like, people have penises or they have vaginas and like, no, actually, no, they have penises. That's why I think, yeah, teaching someone how to be what we could, what was coined by a different doctor, but Lucan, I say, learning to be clitorate,

like, like, moderate, incineracy is so important. I mean, that's a, that's a really, it's important to remember that like, we don't get a lot of information about how genitals and reproductive systems work beyond reproduction. So the size to size matter question, it really does depend because what people need, what people like, what people are physically aroused by, changes from person to person. But I would also say that size, either having a lot of size or lack thereof does not guarantee a great sexual experience or a bad sexual experience, right? It goes back to how do we use our bodies, how do we listen to partners, like how do we, how do we work with whatever it is that we

have? That requires communication. Have you seen 40 days and 40 nights? This is the thing that I always think of. 40 days and 49. Oh, I've not seen it. Okay, so there's a sex scene because he's supposed to go 40 days and 40 nights without sex. Basically, so it's during lunch. And he gives up sex.

Quarant quote, sex for lunch. And he gives this girl an orgasm without touching her in that way because of the arousal and like a feather and these other ways that he like he physically didn't touch her and she was able to come and it's like that's your definition right there for the size matter. You can get a girl off no matter what you're packing. You've done it. We've, I mean we, in the beginning of our relationship, Luke, like weren't even in the same time zone.

And so it was all with a phone call. And I've never, I'm not the girl that can like reciprocate that because again, it's like that's something with me. I guess I have to figure out, but it's like I feel ridiculous. But he's really good at it. And I'm not even talking like wild, crazy dirty talk. It's just something about it really worked for me where I could actually get off just from the sound of his voice. Yeah, maybe there's a way for you to script it out and read it and send it. Like if you can't do it in the moment, right?

Like make it some kind of like Christian related performance. Yeah. I just like hearing her being pleasure. Her being pleasure. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Her enthusiasm wasn't. Like your enthusiasm.

Yeah, exactly. Good word, enthusiasm. Yeah, exactly. Good word, enthusiasm. Yeah, so the answer is, like, doesn't matter. I mean, for some it matters, but for, like, others, it doesn't. It might be, I mean, it might be a preference. It might be more than that, but I don't think it guarantees a good or bad experience, either right? I totally agree with that.

And this is maybe more of, like, a health sort of sex question that we got from a lot of people as well, is how does lack of sleep or appetite, etc. like affect sex drive? So, I mean, the interesting thing is that everything basically impacts sexual health, right? Like the huge, big picture of sexual health, right? You know, sometimes emotionally and mentally, sometimes physically, you know, like for example, I always laugh every time that there's obviously an entire genre of movies that's always been out, like teenagers looking to like get drunk to get laid.

I mean, it's been around forever. And it's so funny because really, if people were consuming all of the alcohol that they were consuming, the likelihood is that there would be no erection, there would be no erection. There would be no regulation. There would be no orgasm. There'd be no lubrication.

Like none of it. 100% a bit there. I went to a party school for college. Right. So, so great. So you know, so let alone like all of the other things that are complicated by like being shit-based. And you know, that's the first thing.

But lack of sleep impacts our mental well-being, impacts our self-based. And, you know, that's the first thing. But lack of sleep impacts our mental wellbeing, impacts our self-esteem, and all of those things have a trickle-down effect to our bodies, to sexual function, to self-esteem. We have this idea of it, like, whatever happens between our legs counts as like an other, like, it's separate from all other parts. Absolutely. You can't be healthy overall if sexual health is lacking in in some way. So, you know, it does

lack of sleep, lack of appetite, you know, less than stellar, you know, nutritional choices, smoking, all of those things impact sexual pleasure and functioning. Yeah, because it affects your immune system too, like lack of sleep and with a low immune system, then you can be like not feel well, like physically ill, sick, whatever you want to call it, a cold, blah, blah, blah.

And then clearly you're not like in the mood or willing to even try. So it's just like be healthy, y'all, you know, do your best. Just for your sake of life, but also for the sake of your sex life and your intimacy. Right. Right? Right. I'm sure it hasn't happened to me, but yeah. You're 31.

My young salient. This is a specific question. How do I ask my husband to try natural enhancements, mainly for endurance? And how do you feel about those enhancements? I've personally never had an experience as far as I know. So how are we designing natural enhancements? My guess is some sort of supplement

or from my understanding of the male side of that is like a wipe or a you know to increase in Derns or decrease sensitivity or Viagra or something along the lines of an enhancement and in hand right not necessarily a natural natural not hornie goat weed Hotsman would be And hornie goat weed stuff like that Well, I was gonna say like when when when you have a Noreen Goat, we didn't pack it at a bodega somewhere.

I'm like, like, a lot of my students are like, that's the thing. I'm like, yeah, no. Not that. Not that. Not that. So we need you for a debunked, to put some of these things.

Here's the thing. I believe that pharmaceutical enhancements, interventions are really important for a lot of people. I'm not one of those sexuality professionals who believes that things are solely educational and psychological or medical. I think that like we have lots of options available to us because people need different things and that's okay. I think the way we talk about it though with our partners is really important because we don't ever want someone to feel like they're lacking, right? So the delivery becomes really important. And maybe that comes from

sharing a story, a story, a story, and I'm using quotation marks, you know, that someone has shared with you that their friends partner tried this thing and it was really exciting. Have we ever considered it right that could maybe start another conversation about like what you'd like to try, what might be more fulfilling to you without making it like, you know, you're lacking in some area. I think this is where we could all do a better job in our delivery of things. And it might also be before you share the things that you want to try,

you know, saying like, is there anything that you've always wanted us to try? Is there something you've wanted me to do, right? And open that up so that it doesn't just look like you have issues with someone's performance. But yeah, and I think that like this, this whole idea of performance is often based on oftentimes unrealistic expectations of how bodies are supposed to work. I love porn as much as the trust me I do but I think porn can set expectations for certain people that are just not real life. You know it's there to be a fantasy like it's there to be the fantasy that you get excited about or you you know, for you and

your partner or whatever it is, but I think a lot of people, I mean, just speaking from my own experience with my own friends that do let watch porn and think, well, if he likes that kind of porn and I'm not fulfilled, I'm not doing that is absolutely just ridiculous because it's okay to fantasize and fantasies don't always have to become a reality. And sometimes there's a middle ground where you can try that fantasy out, right? It's how I feel. It's very much so.

Yeah, I mean, look, you're the type of person who, you know, someone shows up at your doorstep and you think they're hot and you're like, drop-trow, ready to go. Awesome, like, amazing. I mean, amazing if that's you. But if that's not you, you shouldn't feel badly because that's not a lot of people, right?

It's just not like this absurd gold standard of what we see and that we're supposed to feel badly if we don't fit that mold. If you do, great, if you don't, great, it doesn't matter either way. I think that any time we have complaints or criticisms, like criticisms about a partner, I think we need time we have complete criticisms, like criticisms about a partner,

I think we need to ask ourselves first, like what are our expectations? And are they realistic, right? Are they based in something real or they based in sexually explicit media or pornography or erotic, that maybe has been designed to enlist at a reaction out of us,

but maybe it's not designed to represent the average experience. Yes, oh my God. This was asked, can a sexless marriage survive? Now, we know we aren't a therapist. You're not a marriage counselor, but as a sexual expert. Or a relationship, yeah, a marriage, like that life partner. So I think it depends. Yes. Yes, but yes, I think it's a sexless

relationship is fine if people are okay with not being physically intimate with each other. Right? Like there's no rule that says a partnership has to look a certain way. I think though if if someone is craving and really needs physical intimacy and isn't getting it, then that becomes an issue. If two people are fulfilled not being intimate, but having this very deep and emotionally intimate connection with one another, like, who the fuck cares? If it works for you, great. So it doesn't look like what you see on TV, big deal. But if for some reason you feel like you need something physical, sexual intimate, beyond masturbation that you want that with a partner, then you know, that becomes a different conversation because it becomes a conversation like to see

is this something that your partner wants to share with you or not. The other thing I would say is one of I think the exciting things about talking about sexuality and relationships in 2023 is this acknowledgement that there is no one fairytale version of what a relationship is supposed to be. Lots of people are monogamous, lots of people are non-monogamous in these like beautifully, consensually ethical ways. And that doesn't mean that they are not like fully thriving members of society. On Trader what you know certain factions might have you believe. So I think that we need to do a better job at asking ourselves like what kind of partnership do we want? Like how do we want to

experience life? Is it the same today as it was when we were in our 20s or 30s or 40s or and beyond? And also have the type of partnership where like if things change do you have the kind Today, as it was when we were in our 20s or 30s or 40s and beyond, and also have the type of partnership where, like, if things change, do you have the kind of relationship where you can say, like, hey, I've never considered this before, but this is where I am now. Like, is there a way to incorporate this into our lives? Or not, some relationships have start points and end points,

and that's okay. Ideally, they start an end in, like, these really thoughtful, kind, respectful ways. Right. They don't. And hopefully they do. Something funny that I say to Kristen is, oh, just about like certain experimental things and I'm like, look, I'm not into this right now, but I can't say I wouldn't be in 20

years because of just, you know, you don't know how things are going to change. I've only been an adult for like 13 years. You know what I mean? So, what another 20 years ago. I was sitting next to you, I would throw something. You're like, oh my gosh. I'm so sick. I'm just.

I just have my 40th birthday and my very sexual boyfriend's like, I've only been an adult for this long. I'm saying is, I don't know what the future holds, right? And so when you ask me if you're like, so you're never gonna want this, right? I'm gonna like, I can say I definitely don't want that right now, but if we're together in 20 years,

I can't say my mind's not changed or five years, or five years or 10 years, whatever. Right, so keeping that line of communication open and not like putting a never on something and trying to stick to it. Yeah, never forever. Right. Yeah. No, that's a good point. That's a really good point. I think that relationships should kind of be this like day-to-day adventure. I mean, fairy

tales are fine, but fairy tales were pretty fucked up. Like, yeah, there's like a lot of bad stuff in them. So I don't know why we would ever want a model in the other relationships based on that. So maybe it's a little chews your own adventure. That's not a bad thing. If it's a chews your own adventure is amazing. That was the theme of Kristen's birthday. What? Which was what?

Chews your own adventure. It was the theme of my birthday. That was a dress cake. But I think that's a great way to think about sex is like, and you can, if you could watch something on TV or have a friend tell you about something that you've never even thought of and go to your partner and say, I'm not really thought about this, but maybe we could try this. Or again, like, what Luke was saying, like, I'm not there right now, but I'm not saying never, like, it's just not for me right now, which is what he's

talking about I'm very fine with. One of the skills that we don't have as human beings or we should do a better job work he got is, you know, I said earlier, not just delivery of information, right, in a way that's thoughtful, but also hearing someone's disclosure, like listening to what someone says, not taking it personally, like sort of taking it in, thinking about it, like seeing how if it fits into your life at all, but I think our immediate reaction is to think like, well, what about me? Like what is, like this is a problem for me

as opposed to thinking like, okay, maybe this doesn't have to do with me right now. Take a breath and think about the bigger picture, but I get it. Like that requires a lot of emotional intelligence that like not everyone has all the time, and that's okay. And I think all three of us recommend

that everyone try to work on, because I'm telling you, in dating a 31 year old, like it was the EQ that really got me more than anything. Even if you were 40 or 50, if you were a mic, it doesn't matter. It was your emotional intelligence. And I think that leads to fun and it leads to communication.

It leads to not being nervous about asking for what I want. It leads to expanding boundaries. And trusting that what the other person is saying, how they feel is true. So it goes all back to communication. You know? Always does. Hell yeah.

And there's one more question that was brought up a lot in the fan questions. Oh, you're right. Yes. When see if you can address, but sex. It's something I'm not familiar with at all, but yeah, a lot of women ask.

And obviously I'm not either. Sex during or after menopause. Yeah. So there are a few things, right? The thing about menstrual changes and hormonal changes, you know, it can cause lack of lubrication. It can cause thinning of the vaginal walls and vaginal atrophy, which obviously can make sex incredibly painful.

Add to that, you know, lubrication, shortening of the vaginal walls, like all of those things do not make sex great. The other thing though, is that there are people who feel like super amorous and desires during this time too. You really don't know what you're gonna get. It's this really like messy experimental time. The one thing I would say that's really important is,

I mean, ideally people with, you know, vaginas and uteruses are seeing medical providers every year and absolutely start like tracking your menstrual cycle. If there are changes, if there are things that are different in your body, that you're feeling to start to write them down because there is zero reason why you shouldn't have some intervention. That might not be hormonal. It might be hormonal, but it could also be herbal. There could be lots of things, but there's no reason anyone should have to suffer through this period of time.

There's so many things available. No one needs to suffer. That's like misogynistic medical bullshit. No one needs to. They're great interventions that make all of this so much easier for everyone. Hell yeah. Oh, thank you so much, Logan.

Like, this has been, like, not only beyond fun, but obviously very educational, and I just feel like I'm gonna call you in like a week and say, we need to schedule another podcast. Amazing. I'm happy too. I'm happy too. Thank you so much to both of you for including me.

Yeah, it's oh my gosh, you guys. Thank you so much all for listening. I will be putting Dr. Logan's handle on Instagram and her website and Google her and she has like amazing, there's so much on YouTube that is like really fascinating and cool that I've listened to and watched. And yeah, thank you so much again

and we'll talk to you guys next week. Yeah, thanks so much Logan. Talk to you soon, bye. Bye. Make sure to follow us on social media. next week. Thanks so much, Logan. Talk to you soon. Bye. Bye. Make sure to follow us on social media. You can follow me on all platforms at Kristen Dodie and follow Luke on Instagram at Luke Double Under Score Broadred.

Be sure to click the subscribe button so you can stay up to date with new episodes every single Wednesday. Thanks for listening. See you next week. single Wednesday. Thanks for listening. See you next week.