Sex, Love, and What Else Matters - Solo Mom by Choice with Meredith Kate

Episode Date: December 7, 2024

Episode 139. In this heartfelt episode, Kristen is joined by Meredith Kate who shares her journey of deciding to be a solo mom. She opens up about meeting Kristen Doute through Ariana, despite being on rocky terms at the time, and reflects on their evolving friendship. Meredith discusses her decision to pursue motherhood on her own and the pivotal role her best friend played, donating to help her become a mom. She also shares her experience with IVF, the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy, and the struggles with mental health along the way. Tune in for an inspiring conversation!   Sponsors: Head to Viiahemp.com and use the code DOUTE to receive 15% off + one free sample of their sleepy Dreams gummies. (21+). If you’re thinking about your fertility journey, let’s bring the science back to your bedroom. Get 25% off your first month at ritual.com/DOUTE.   Follow us: @kristendoute @luke__broderick Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

70,000 people are here and Bob Dylan is the reason for it. Inspired by the true story. If anyone is going to hold your attention on stage, you have to kind of be a freak. Are you a freak? Hope so. And starring Timothy Chalamet as Bob Dylan, he defied everyone. Turn it down!

Play it loud! To change everything. Make some noise BD. Timothy Chalamet, Edward Norton, L. Fanny, Monica Barbaro. A complete unknown. Only theaters Christmas day. You can't prevent early mornings. But you can help prevent certain HPV-related cancers with Gardasil 9. Approximately 75% of sexually active Canadians will get HPV in their lifetime.

Gardasil 9 helps protect against certain cancers of sexually active Canadians will get HPV in their lifetime. Gardasil 9 helps protect against certain cancers and diseases caused by certain HPV types. It does not treat HPV infections, cancers, and diseases, and may not protect everyone who gets vaccinated. Side effects and allergic reactions can occur. If you're aged 18 to 45, talk to your health care professional or visit GetG9.ca today. Hello, glorious human. My name is Allison, and I want to invite you to the party, the

good times, the fun that is my podcast, Awesome with Allison. Every week I share tools, tips and real talk to help you live a life that feels as good as it looks. And trust me, if I can do it, you can too. What's up, babes? Oh my gosh, today's a giggly day. Welcome back to another episode of Balancing Act. My pregnancy brain is in full motion right now. I have a very special guest today and it's gonna be all about the girls right now.

No Luke today. And I would love to introduce my friend and someone you're gonna listen to endlessly, moving forward if you don't already, Meredith Kate. Hi. Hi, Mare. I'm so happy that you're here. I'm so happy that our friendship has landed in a place

where we're on a podcast together. I know. You guys, we're gonna talk about that. So, Meredith, I actually talked about a little bit last week on the podcast. We are two weeks apart. That's so cute. In our fertility journey.

So our babies are gonna like literally maybe be born at the same time, who knows? I know they're talking. The last doctor's appointment I went into, they told me that they might induce me a week early. Ooh, okay. Yeah. So. And I, well, I have to be on time or early.

Okay, well. So holy shit, that'd be crazy. Oh my gosh, what if we're texting each other like from labor and delivery, from very separate places. Yeah. Because I'm going to be in Irvine. You're down in OC.

Down in the OC. I'm barely in the OC because I live in Anaheim. It's just like right. Disneyland. You live at Disneyland. I live at Disneyland, but I am going to be delivering at Hoag Irvine where they have these amazing birthing sweets. I'm so jealous.

Oh yeah. It's like a hotel room. Oh my God. But also I just want to throw out there, you guys, Meredith, and I said this on the podcast last week, but Meredith has an amazing podcast called The Backup Plan podcast, and it's about her fertility journey. Yeah. It went from podcasts to YouTube to...

I'm kind of in a weird hiatus with it right now, but likely to get back to it soon. You're busy being pregnant. It's a lot of fucking work to be pregnant. We'll talk about it. I got depressed. Yes. OK, so really quick, how do Meredith and I know each other? Because I think this is something you guys are going

to fall in love with. Because Meredith and I never thought we would be here. If you would have told me like 10 years ago that Meredith would be sitting in my house, we would be pregnant together talking about our fertility journey. Like grasping each other's abdomens. Yeah, I'm like, you're fucking crazy. You are batshit. I don't know who the hell you are, but you're nuts.

That's not gonna happen. So you have known Ariana. Ariana, everyone, I don't know. Is that the right way to say her? It's, I mean, it was Ariana for me through college. Because we met freshman year of college. She never corrects me, but everyone says it differently. She doesn't correct any. I think the Ariana, I'm going to call it here, call it now.

I think it's the Lisa Vanderpump effect. I'm calling her Ariana from now on. Fuck that. Oh my gosh. I think with the British affectation, I think that's where it really took. And so some people like to tell me I'm saying it wrong and I'm like, bitch, I've known her longer.

So you have known her forever in a day. And that's how I know how I've known who you were. And obviously, we were not buddies for a very long time because of that. Can I share my first in-person Kristen Doty memory? Please do. Was at the parlor on Melrose. Okay. Do you remember how Sheena used to do the like watch parties at the parlor? Oh yeah, like on Wednesdays.

Yeah. And so you were there and a bit inebriated, if I may. As usual. And you were trying to get some random guy to bring me over to the side of the bar where you were and talk to you. I don't know if you remember this. No, I don't.

I probably don't remember a lot from those days. But I was like, what the fuck? What does she need to know about from me? Like, no, what are we going to talk about? We have nothing in common. She is mortal. She's cosmos and burns each other's hair. Mortal enemy.

Yeah. And so that was my first encounter with you. And no, I never thought we'd be at this point. That is wild. Yeah, but I'm glad the tides have changed. Me too, I'm so happy. We text a lot. You were one of the first people to find out

I was pregnant. And it's such an honor. First five people. I told you before I told my big mouth mother, mom, I love you, but seriously. My mom, I didn't tell my mom for a couple of weeks because she would accidentally post it on Facebook. She totally would just be like, oh, my daughter at Kristen Doty is pregnant too. She's a big Facebooker.

Loves Facebook. Yeah. I have a private Facebook. That's the one that I actually go on. Still, it's not big Facebooker. Loves Facebook. Yeah. I have a private Facebook. That's the one that I actually go on. Still, it's not even my name. And still somehow she can just get the news out about anything. I've gotten my mom off Facebook.

I highly recommend. Oh. Yeah, it's difficult. It's like my mom's social hour. But no, I was so honored when you told me, cause we were going through fertility treatments about the same time and like you were still doing like the hormones but not the IUI and stuff like that and kind of testing different ways. Yeah, because we were unsure if we were going to go

as far as to do IUI. Honestly during that time I did not realize you could do hormone shots and not do the IVF. Like to me, it was just, you go to a fertility doctor, you're doing IVF. Yeah, there's so much you don't know. Like there's so much you don't know until you get into it. And there's really, I don't even know that there would be a good way to learn all this stuff before you get into it.

It's kind of like trial by fire. You have to go through the deep dark madness of fertility treatment. Let's talk about your journey. When did you decide 100% you wanted to be a mom to the point that you're going to do this on your own? Because I think it is so rad. For lack't wanna, for lack of a better word, lack of a better synonym, brave. Like it's just, but it is brave, but it's so strong.

It's like courageous. And it's fucking cool. It's really cool to make that choice and to trust yourself and to know that you can do this. Obviously we all need support and help. Right, which I have. But you're like, I don't need a man. I mean, you can do this. Obviously we all need support and help. Right, which I have. But you're like, I don't need a man. I mean, you technically needed one.

Well, we'll get to that. Yeah, so for clarification, I am doing this on my own. I am, I do not have a husband or a boyfriend. I decided, so if we rewind the clock to COVID, a terrible time in everybody's lives, my dad was really sick with cancer. So he had stage four cancer at that time. And we lost him during COVID.

And at that point, I had made such a 180 on my whole life. Like I really wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be a young mother. I had a boyfriend in high school who I was sure I was gonna marry because my parents met right at the end of high school. They got married. They were married for 52 years. Those were the days.

And that was just, it's this kind of fairy tale I've been living with. It was like you get married young. My parents waited a long time to have me. They waited 15 years before they had kids. So how old was your mom? My mom was 35 when she had me. No shit. Yeah. But she got married when she was 20.

That's really cool though. And so I had always wanted to be a mom and just thought it was going to happen early and did the dating thing in LA, which you'll be surprised to find didn't work well. You know, I just I never really struck it with the right person out here. And especially not someone to procreate with. Correct. And, you know, when everything happens, like it just feels like such a tsunami of information and happenings in the world. Like, Trump was elected. We had Black Lives Matter protests where, you know,

I'm watching all these people, like, living with such inequality and inequity in their lives. And Me Too is happening. And I was just like, I don't want to bring a kid into this world. I don't want to do this. And so I had gone from really wanting to be a mother to really being satisfied with not being a mother.

And my nephew, it was- You think it was like a fear thing? Or it was, or you were just satisfied? No. I was just- I was terrified during that time. I mean, it was not the time for me to get pregnant by any means with my life and not dating

and dating shitty people. But I remember thinking during that time, a shit ton of my friends got pregnant during 2020. But I was like, I'm terrified to bring a child into this world right now. It wasn't fear so much as I was just fully defeated. I was just like, nope, nope, don't wanna do it. And so my nephew was born

and I was so satisfied by his birth. It's my younger brother's son. And I thought the way things go, the older daughter would have the baby first, and like, you know, and it didn't go that way, but Mars was born and he's perfect. I love his name so much. I know. He's a cool boy.

And I was so satisfied by his birth. He also looks a lot like me, like now he does, but newborn pictures, if you put a picture of him and I together, very, very, very similar. And so I just looked at him and was satisfied with that. I was like, the bloodline continues. He's incredible. I am so happy with being a cool auntie and that's fine.

Like that's it. As the year went on, he turned a year old, my dad passed away and I just slowly, the maternal instinct kind of started kicking in and I looked at him and I was just like, oh my God, if he was here with me in California as he lives in Florida, I would take him to this thing. I wish I could take him to that thing.

Oh my God, he would love this, he would love that. And it just really slowly started to, I don't know, swirl around in my head of like, no, no, I wanna experience this with a kid. Like I wanna experience life with a kid. And I was seeing a therapist at the time and she asked me about, you know, desires and wants that I had.

And I said, well, I don't know. I think about being a mom, but then I don't know if I should do it or how would I do it? And should I meet somebody? Should I date? And she was like, stop. Take an elevator from your head to your heart.

Ooh. And the visual of that like changed things for me. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I want to be a mom. I want to do it. Hey everyone, it's Luke here. As the holiday season rolls in, we all know how hectic it can get.

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That's ritual.com slash Doty for 25% off. Michael, my best friend from college, who like, he lived right down the street from Ariana. We always joked about having a kid together. He had a dream that we had a baby together when we were in college and we had a fake name for it. We would tell people about our child. His dream ended badly.

If the child was stillborn at the end, horrible, terrible. But we had a whole story about where the child was buried. Yeah. It was hard. It was like a play. It was horrific. Oh yeah, we would do this like improv show for people about our son, Asim, who is now no longer with us.

So we joked about it a lot. He came to visit, it was a year after my dad's passing, and I said to him, I was like, you know, I've been thinking like about this. And I was gonna ask him if he would want to participate, which is a very awkward question to ask, even if it's somebody that you love and you're very platonically intimate with,

but it's still, it's a weird question. And we were out for pizza, and I said, I think I wanna do this. And he goes, well it's still a weird question. And we were out for pizza and I said, I think I want to do this. And he goes, well, you know, I'll donate. Like I didn't, yeah, I didn't even ask him. I just said, I think I'm, I think I want to do this on my own. He said, you know, I'll donate.

And I was like, thank you for taking that very awkward question off the table for me. What a sense of relief too. Yeah, yeah. So this was- Insecurity. Yeah. Like feeling safe. I would feel like, I would imagine you'd feel just so safe and secure and being like, this is what I wanted and this is what I had in mind. I felt like the puzzle pieces were falling into place for sure. But it wasn't just like,

okay, now we're going to do this. It still took like another year of like conversation and thought and wrapping my mind around it. Yeah, what does that look like? I can't even... Yeah, well, because a lot of people who decide to go the single mother by choice route, which is the terminology that's used for it, which I don't love, there's a whole movement

of single mother by choice that was started by this woman like 30 years ago. It's a little outdated. Like if you read her book, it's not of this time. We'll just put it that way. There's some stuff in there that I side-eyed a lot, but I prefer like a solo mom. Cause I don't like my relationship status

to finding who I am as a person. Totally, I agree with that. It doesn't. So I like to use the term solo mom, but a lot of solo moms go the donor route. And that's great. It wasn't what I wanted to do. Like I knew I didn't want to go that route.

So if Michael didn't donate, I had two other friends that I was kind of keeping in mind for this, but I wasn't as close to them. Like I know Michael's family, my family knows Michael's family and Michael, like for Christmas, Michael is going home to Florida and he's like, I have to make sure to go over and see Mars and Phoebe, my niece. So like, I'm not gonna be there but he's gonna take his boyfriend to meet my family. So it just, it all works out.

My dad loved him. And so I just like, it felt like acceptance from beyond, too. What does the conversation look like as far as you're the solo mom? So what is his part, is his participation just the sperm or is his participation like he's the found uncle because he would be anyway if you had a kid? Or does he have any parental anything? Right, so that was what we had to wrap our heads around,

because his first inclination was, I'll be Uncle Mikey, and they can know me as that. And I was like, no, Mars knows he was Uncle Mikey. And your nieces and nephews know you as Uncle Mikey. You're going to be different here. And so I wanted him to be more involved than he wanted to be. And so we went on a trip to Seattle together and I remember having kind of like an awkward meal there of like, oh, he's kind of wanting to do this differently than I want to do this. And like, I remember very

like, awkwardly eating my linguine or whatever it was. Noodle by noodle. But like, I didn't just give it up at that moment, which I'm really glad I didn't because it truly was like a game of semantics. And I was like, look, in terms of your involvement, I'm going to want to call you more often with like cute pictures and when the kids doing something cute and like, I want to do family vacation like we already travel together. I just want to bring a baby on the on the trips too. And he has a really weird job, which I could not explain to you what it is. If I tried, it's very like Chandler Bing, you know, where they try to explain what his job is. But it has led him to travel around the world. He was in Georgia, the country, not the state.

And so I'm like, dude, I wanna come visit. I wanna bring a little baby to Georgia to eat. And I would imagine too looking at your son, you're having a boy, which you know, and looking at your son as he is a baby and then growing up into a toddler, the mannerisms or the facial features. I'm already prepared. His genetics are very strong.

Like his nieces and nephews, like his brother and sister, like they all just look alike. His father was a player for the Mets, and he had a walk that like there's just a certain gait that him and his family have, and he was made fun of like by sports commentators and stuff but then if you look at him and his brother and his sister like walking down the street together it's just like yep that's that's the family walk but once I realized it was a game of semantics in terms of like what he how he wanted to be

involved how I wanted him to be involved. I also know him really well. And so when he told me like, oh no, no, like I won't participate. He didn't say it like that. Cause that makes it sound like I'm trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It wasn't like that at all. But I just know him really well.

And I'm like, it's gonna happen. Like he's gonna blossom more. I didn't think he was gonna be as involved in my nephew's life as he is. But he trained Mars when he first met him, like, Uncle Mikey brings presents and candy. So now Mars is like, I love Uncle Mikey.

He brings presents and candy. So, um... He's the Funko. Yeah, and so things changed too when we found out it was gonna be a boy, because I did an embryo reveal rather than a gender reveal, where I did a reveal of all the... all of be a boy, because I did an embryo reveal rather than a gender reveal, where I did a reveal of all of them at once. I have four.

Did you choose? Do you get to choose? Well, yeah, it's an interesting... This is the thing that I'm not familiar with, because I haven't done IVF. So it's kind of like nature chooses for you still, because I have four embryos. One is bad.

We're not going to use it. If we know it's bad, it would not come to fruition. The next one is what's called mosaic, which is complicated. And like, I am a theater major, so I can't explain it to you. But basically, it could be fine. It could be bad. That's the only girl embryo I have, which was a real down for me. Yeah. It's not worth taking that shot on that one. If you have other healthy ones.

Right. So the thing is they would not implant mosaic embryos three years ago. The science has changed where they can look at it now and be like, actually, no, it's a pretty good shot. We can do it. And so when I did my genetic counseling and they explained to me all the problems that could go wrong with her, I said, can we keep her on ice and revisit this in a year or two and see how the science has changed? And she was like, 100%.

That is so smart because it does change so rapidly. Like we don't even know what scientists have in their back pocket right now that is like this close, you know, to being available. Or that they know is is possible, but like it's just not perfect. The follow up study hasn't been done or whatever. And then the two healthy embryos I have are boys. And so of those two healthy embryos, there was one that was a four AA

and there was one that's a 4AB or BA. It's like a rating. It's a grading of how... It's like how they grade cards. It's how they grade eggs. Baseball cards and they, oh yeah. Yeah, like you buy grade A eggs at the store. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. I'm blowing your mind right now. My brain just exploded. I'm like picturing the eggs, the carton of eggs that are in my fridge right now and I'm like, huh. Yeah, they're grade A. They're good eggs. So of those two, we knew that the one that is

in me now and is a three month old little fetus, that was a four AA. So it was the best one. And I, I was kind of nervous because I was like, I don't want to like blow my chance on like the one really good one I have because I went through two egg retrievals that were not good and I'm getting a little bit off course here. We'll bring it all back together at some point. But I was like, I don't want to waste this one really good egg I have on like the first try of IVF. And they explained to me, no, no, no, this is the egg retrieval part is a little bit more complicated in terms of like like what drugs are we using?

What is gonna work? What isn't gonna work a little bit of trial and error Wow to Generate all of the eggs out of your body. Yeah, whereas IVF is a little bit more like no No, you just thicken up your uterus and we shoot it in and and then it's nature and that takes over So that's how you determine which egg you're gonna use. It It's not like, oh gosh, how would I choose? I have seven of them and I'll just eaty, meeny, miny, moe it. No, you're still going to have one that's better than the others, more likely than not. So when I found out that the two good ones

that I had were boys, and I called Michael up and I told him that, I called him a couple of weeks later and I said, how are you feeling? Like, have you been thinking about this? Like, does your day revolve around it like mine does? And he was like, honestly, since you told me it was a boy, I think I should probably be more involved than I was originally thinking.

It was funny. He started becoming really attached. Well, just like as a man, he was like, and he was, for the most part, raised by his mother alone. And so I think that he sort of sees a little bit more of like, I think I want to be a little bit more part of this. And I'm fine with that. Like, I made peace when I came into this process of like, I know this man, I love

this man. I think this is how he's gonna react. If he does, awesome, I love it. If he doesn't, that's okay. I want our relationship to stay the same, I hope. It has, I would say that we've gotten closer in the process. I would say that we talk more. The first thing he told me when I called him

and said it's a boy, he said, okay, all right, I just want to let you know, I didn't do this for my nephew because he had his father in the picture, but since this one won't, I mean, I will. I'll be there to teach him how to pee standing up. Oh, my God. Like, within five seconds of me telling him. Yeah, so like... He's like, I'll bring the Cheerios.

I got this. Don't worry, mom. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, that's kind of the basic story. We tried with a turkey baster twice and not an actual turkey baster. It's like syringe. Just so everyone knows we're not literal. There's a kit that I used called the Mozi Baby Kit, which has a nice little dish that is like

rounded at the bottom and then a syringe that's rounded at the top. So it's easier to collect all of your partner's joy juice. Yeah, joy juice. I was about to say sample, and I hate sample. I love joy juice. You're so welcome. You're so welcome. That brought me joy. I'm You're so welcome. Oh my God. You're so welcome. Thank you for that. That brought me joy. Teaching you so much. So we use that. I also use just like sterile containers that I bought off Amazon and sterile syringes.

We tried twice that way. And I just decided after the second time, I was like, I just want to get checked. I just want to go to a fertility clinic and get some stuff checked out. Yeah. I went to KindBody, which I had a really excellent experience with. We did some initial tests and I did, did you do the saline bubble study? I don't know. That's the one where they put like bubbles up your uterus.

I feel, I remember my fertility doctor talking about this, but I don't know if I did. I think you would remember if you got it done, because it's not fun. It's not a fun one. I did that test and it's to see if your fallopian tubes are open. Okay, I did not do this.

She did tell me all about it though. Yes, you get like bad cramping, right? It didn't hurt and I wouldn't say it cramped, but it was mighty uncomfortable. Like, I... It's called like a... Yeah, it's like an FSH, I want to say. HSG, no, HSG was the next step. There was like...

Something like that. That was the thing, is like, this one was not comfortable, and they didn't get conclusive results. And I was like, does that mean my fallopian tubes are closed? And they were like, no, we can't... Were you on hormone? No, this is just literally beginning. Let's just check you. Baseline. Let's see what's going on with our lady parts. And this was uncomfortable. It

came up with inconclusive results. I was like, does that mean I definitely, my Philippian tubes are closed? And they were like, no. And I was like, are they just like shy? What's going on? They're like, come on guys. And they were like, yeah, it could be that. But this next study that we do, it's like they shoot dye and then they do an x-ray and stuff like that. That's the thing I was talking about.

That's the HSG, I think. Okay. That's what I was talking about. And they were like, that's more uncomfortable than this. And I was like, at that point, I was against IVF. I didn't want to do IVF. I thought IVF was playing God. It felt too scientific.

Yeah, I was going to ask why didn't you want to. For me, it just freaked me out. Honestly, it was like too much for me to choose to take in. And I don't know the science of it all. I was just like, oh my God, like what I just like almost disappointed in myself and in my body. And why do I have to that was like my initial thought on any of this. Yeah, I just thought it was playing God.

I was like, if you can't get pregnant, you shouldn't get pregnant. Right. That was just my thought. That was my very I don't want to call it naive, just like uneducated. Yeah, it's really uneducated. That's all it is. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just what we think when we don't know. It was just my initial thought of like, this is how it is. This is how it's supposed to be. Right. So I'd had this, the saline bubble. It was really not fun. They're like, the next we could do is the HSG. And I was like, well, what happens if the HSG tells me

that my fallopian tubes aren't working? And they're like, well, then we would move to IVF. And I said, well, I mean, I just want to get pregnant. Like, I'm sick of how long this is taking already. And it had only been like, I guess the first appointment I had with them was in January. So this was like April-ish. Already I was like, I'm frustrated by this.

And that does feel like a long time. I mean, it does. Yeah. And so my doctor was like, well, you could do IVF. And my mom was with me and she said, she watched like a light bulb turn on. Like I just changed my mind immediately. And I still went into it still feeling a little bit

like it's playing God, but also kind of like... Maybe it's just like being God's little helper. That's really cute. I ended up having a totally different thought process of it in the end. So I had to do two egg retrievals and then the first implantation worked, which I'm very lucky.

The first egg retrieval I did, as I was kind of explaining a little bit earlier, it's really gamble. That first egg retrieval is trial and error. It's like here are the drugs. I just smiled. What is the prep for that? Like is hormones for a week, two weeks, something like that?

Two weeks, yeah. And it's way more hormones than what I had to go through. Way more, yeah. So I was on, I prepped with estrogen before, and then when you start, it's all fuzzy now, because I've gone through so many different shots, and I've had four different surgeries this year alone, because I had a surgery on my foot,

I had egg retrieval number one, egg retrieval number two. And then the hitch in all of this was between egg retrieval two and the implantation. I had a cancer scare and I had to have a lung. If you weren't feeling enough, like enough feelings during that time, because you guys, I can't even fucking imagine, seriously Meredith, I can't even fucking imagine, seriously Meredith,

I can't, because I have never felt crazier than I felt those weeks leading up to the ILA. I was hysterically laughing, I was mostly crying, I did not know how to control my feelings or my emotions whatsoever. And for you to be on that times like a million. Yeah. And then have that scare when you did, I just like, holy shit. It was a lot. You were made to be a mom because you're a strong ass business. Thank you.

Yeah, I went from my first mammogram to a lumpectomy in 15 days. Yeah, it was spooky. But the folks at Hoag are like absolutely incredible. And when I told them I was in the middle of doing IVF and I was about to implant, they were like, all right, we're gonna make sure this happens quick. And I was like, oh damn. Okay. I'm like, oh, I wasn't prepared for that. Okay, got it.

Sure. So a lot of unexpectedness. I know. I've done literally, I've given myself hundreds of shots this year because I had to do, it was anywhere from three to five shots a night for the egg retrieval. And the first egg retrieval I had, I got, they retrieved nine. That's amazing. I don't remember all the numbers now.

It's all such a blur, but I ended up with two embryos. And then when we did the PGTA testing, which is let's see if they have any chromosomal issues. That was when I learned the one was bad and then the one was like, eh. So that was really frustrating. And then I did the second egg retrieval and they got 11 eggs, but still we came down to just two embryos. But both of those embryos were solid. Yeah, my little, my good boys. So in the end, it didn't feel like playing God

so much as like it's a science experiment. Right, it really, it does become super scientific with good juju, that for me, my whole experience was like a mix of like manifestation and good energy and hopefulness. Yeah. Mixed with science. Well, and I don't, because I, you know, I listened to your pod with Luke last week and

you were talking about like, is this going to feel too scientific? Am I not going to feel like... I was really scared. Yeah. And I was a little nervous about that. You probably verbalized it better than I could have. I just kind of had like generalized nerves and couldn't put my finger on it. But when I came out of it, I loved the doctors that I worked with at KindBody. The doctors, the nurses, the x-ray techs, like the sonogram givers,

Kiana, shout out to you if you're listening, like adored them. They were like family. And when I got in there and they were doing the first sonogram, like up the hoo-ha, they literally like, all of the nurses like came in, they didn't even knock on the door. They just walked in. I'm like, I love that they feel comfortable enough that they don't even have to knock. And like they were all there. And I honestly, I feel bad for people who just fuck in a bed because I have literally. You feel like your baby was made with so much love, right? With so much love.

Like my doctor was like hugging me and telling me I love you before I left. Yes, I feel that with Dr. Carolyn Alexander at SCRC. I mean, I sent her this big bouquet of flowers. I said, I'm gonna get emotional, but like, thank you so much because if it weren't for her energy, like she gave me a little amethyst, like she has crystals and she believes in the power of manifestation

and good energy and good vibes and being hopeful. And she believes in all of that very much and tells me about like her own journey with her own child. And it was really, I really did, even though it was like in this doctor's office with this syringe going into my cervix, I just felt like there was so much love. Yeah, Dr. Lauren Sundheimer, Kind Body Newport.

She is absolutely amazing. And I like, that's the only thing I would stress to folks that's like a number one, what I would stress to folks going into this is making sure you find a doctor that you adore. Absolutely. Because if it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Like I got very lucky that the doctor that I met

that I really did fall in love with very quickly. It was a referral from my friend Nia. It just was. And she kept telling me right from the beginning, like she felt like we were meant to be in each other's lives. That's so cute. And she was like, I know we're gonna get that golden egg. That golden egg, it's happening.

She's like, I just feel it in my bones. And all of those words of like affirmation and feeling like just made me feel so much more excited, less nervous, less scared, more hopeful. And I knew it might not work. That's just chance. What I really liked about Dr. Sondheimer was she, after the first ag retrieval, I could

tell she was disappointed by it too after we got the PGTA results and everything. And so she, what's really cool about KindBody, and I know a lot of doctors networks are like this, but they have like message boards and their own little like reddits that they've created. And they present their cases and they're like, here's my patient. Here's what we did. Here were the results. And she said, you know, another doctor at KindBody, I think in like Massachusetts or something was like, oh, I had a patient, same age, same results, try this instead. So my second egg retrieval, my medication routine and regime was different.

That is really freaking cool. Yeah. And so I felt like my Dr. Sondheimer is not as crystal forward, but she did what I needed from her. And when she came to me and was like, this is the research I did. I was like, yes, I believe she put that in a spreadsheet and that speaks to my heart. You know, I'm more spreadsheets over Amethyst, I think. Spreadsheet forward. And so yeah, it was like, it was everything I needed.

And she's still like sending me messages and checking in on me. And my other kind body gals are like checking in on the social media and stuff like that. Cause you're with your OB now. I'm with my OB. And that was something that was obviously I was doing this process like as I was doing it.

Like I didn't know much about it. For me, it was pretty fast from the time we were like meeting with the doctor. It was probably a month until, because of my cycle, of when we were actually going through it. But I didn't realize that I wouldn't be with my OB for quite a while. So that was just something also really new.

So I'm like, oh, and then at first I'm like, so am I just gonna be with a fertility doctor forever? And then he just, my OB just like delivers the baby or like. What's happening? Yeah. Yeah. I had my graduation day with them and they gave me a little gift bag with like a little kind body onesie and stuff in it. And then what I really appreciated, I had, I had an OB in mind and it was just from research research and Google reviews and stuff like that. I am kind of alone in Orange County because all my friends are up here because I was up here for 10 years.

I'm not going to come up here for doctor's appointments. No, God, no. Like that often. I don't even like driving to Beverly Hills from the Valley. Girl, I cannot imagine. So obviously I'm doing everything in Orange County. What I really appreciated, I asked Dr. Sondheimer, do you have recommendations for an OB? And she was like, yeah, because they all know each other.

And she was like, I think you should meet with Dr. Dej. And she's like, I trained her and I was like, great, perfect. It's like a family network, like literally. And Dr. Sondheimer called Dr. Dej before our first appointment and told her about Meredith. And she's like, Meredith's very important to me. You're meeting her tomorrow. Take good care of her. Yeah.

So she's like, I hear you're doing this with your gay best friend. I was like, yeah. I love that she already knew the story. She already knew the story. So I feel very well taken care of in that aspect of it. Because you and I both did the fertility treatments and we're doing it about the same time, thank God I had you to be like, Kristen, is the progesterone making you depressed?

Yeah, yeah. Like straight up, there's like this still tiny part of me, except that you're here, Meredith, and I feel really comfortable saying, I fucking hated being pregnant. I still don't love it. I don't love it either. But I hated it.

The first full, especially the first eight weeks, I wanna say, felt like years. I cried every single day. I was so depressed, as were you. And I was just so happy. And it wasn't even about commiserating. It was like making me feel normal. Okay, I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Because in my brain, I'm thinking of like, my friends I've been around, the shows that I've watched, you know, just this glamorous view of like, oh, you're probably gonna throw up a lot, but otherwise, oh my God, what a blessing it is to be pregnant. And I'm like, no, I'm fucking miserable. Yeah, it wasn't, I didn't feel regret,

like regrets not there right now. No, I didn't either. I wasn't like, I wish I'm fucking miserable. Yeah. I didn't feel regret, like regrets, nothing like that. No, I didn't either. I wasn't like, I wish I had never done this. Definitely not that. Right. But I definitely, it was like... I felt very underprepared. Like no one told me this.

It felt like a period of like existential dread for me. And I'm still in it. I would say I'm not fully out of it. It's like, I have days that aren't as shitty. Yes. Yeah. That's what it is. The days that suck still suck really bad, but it's not every single day anymore.

I questioned everything. I was like, I don't, I've been, you know, I moved to LA in 2011 to work in the entertainment industry. And it's funny, like all of the Vanderpump time I've spent in my life, because I would show up to tapings, but like I don't need to. I'm not, I was never trying to get on camera. I was never trying to get a line or anything like that. But like the producers would be like, Oh, so you're an actress? I'm like, no. And they're like, Oh, so you're like vacationing here? I'm like, no. They're like, what do you do? And I'm like, I work in public policy at

Netflix. And they're like, what? Yeah do? And I'm like, I work in public policy at Netflix. And they're like, what? Yeah, I'm really interested in like behind the scenes stuff. Like, that's what I'm here for. So I worked really hard. I've had so many jobs. Like you'd think I was an 84 year old woman who's retired. Like the experience that I have. But I worked really, really hard to work my way up in entertainment.

And like I produce now and stuff, and it's cool and it's exciting. But I was like, I want to give it up. I don't care about any of that. I've been doing this podcast. It was just starting to like build, and the numbers were getting better. And I was like enjoying doing video editing and like learning how to use Premiere Pro. I mean, okay, yeah, this is a good time for me to say this, you guys. There were a lot of...

There was about four or five weeks of flashback to old podcasts. There was like four or five weeks that Luke and I did not record because I just fucking couldn't. Number one, I couldn't talk about being pregnant. Number two, I can't talk about the Valley and things like that. But mostly it was like, I couldn't bring myself

to talk about anything. Because I was, yeah. And I didn't want to shit on the anything. What do I have to say? Because I was, yeah. Yeah. Like, and I didn't want to shit on the pregnancy, but you know what I mean? It was just this really difficult battle in my mind. Well, especially if you have any kind of semblance, I mean, and you have a much bigger audience than I do. Mine is tiny, but engaged.

Mine is very engaged. And so people were constantly asking me questions about like, how are you feeling? How's it going? Did you implant yet? Did you? And I- Because they're on your fertility journey with you. Yeah.

Because I was sharing the story pretty real time. There were some times when I had about like a two week kind of gap in between where I didn't like share immediately what was happening. But I just was like, I don't want to answer you. I don't want to talk about it. Like I don't know. I think part of it was I was like, I don't know if it's going to take two. So I don't really want to talk to. And then some people are sharing really intense personal stories. And I'm like, I can't, and I don't mean

to say this in a meme-ified way, but I can't hold space for that right now. I don't have the ability to hold space for your... That is a, I don't have the ability to hold space for your status. That is a good way to word it, because I would have to, I mean, I think Luke was probably the only one that I felt I could be brutally honest with in just saying, I don't fucking care right now, and I can't.

And that is just such a, like, it's a hard shitty thing to say to someone that you love, who their things do matter, but that's it. I had no space. I had no space to hold space for anything. No. And I am a depressed person. I am on... Likewise. ...the talipram. And I'm on well buterin. Yeah.

Which are both very safe. Cheers to that. Cheers to that. Yeah. I had, I will, and I went through went through it like I have a prenatal psychiatrist now. Like my GP. That's awesome. Yeah, my GP originally prescribed my Citalopram. And when I got into this before I even got pregnant, I went and I talked to her about that. And both her my GP and my OB are like, it's totally fine, don't even worry about it.

So like, I got that super checked out. Yeah, my psychiatrist I had talked to prior to, so when we're wrapping up our session, he's like talking about my medication when he has to like kind of read it back on this little recorder for the DEA, I guess. But we switched from Lexapro, as I told you, but Lexapro to Albutrin.

I just was on Lexapro for very many years, but it was really difficult because one day off, I was feeling the physical effects and I'm like, I can't have that stress or those feelings going through pregnancy. And he, you know, and to each your own, whatever your doctors recommend for you. But for me personally, that's what my psychiatrist said.

I think let's put you on Wellbutrin. I think it's going to be a lot easier. I think it's going to sustain. It's going to do really well for you and we won't have to worry about anything. And so, but during the shitty times, especially that beginning of the first trimester, I was like, well butrin doesn't fucking work. I can't take a Xanax. I can't take anything that rescues me from this. And that was also really hard. And I had a girlfriend, one of my best friends from back home, I've known almost my whole life, who is an OB nurse, and she was like, take a Benadryl.

You can take a Benadryl for anxiety. I've been using Benadryl because of the congestion every goddamn night. But still, it was like, yeah, that worked like one time. And then I'm like, I can't just like pop Benadryl all day long because that also doesn't work anymore. But it was that feeling of knowing that you were going through it broke my heart, but it was also a feeling of like, it's okay not to be okay. Kind of a thing. Like you were my Demi Lovato.

Glad to be. It's the only thing she and I haven't come to probably. Probably. Yeah, it was tough. I just lost glad to be. It's the only thing she and I have in common, probably. Probably. Yeah, it was tough. I just lost interest in everything I had been interested in. I just wanted to sleep all the time, which I know is my depression go-to. And my mom was really worried about me. Because my mom lives with me. For the most part, she'll leave for like a month or two at a time

and go back to Florida to see the other kids. But she's with me, the most part. She'll leave for like a month or two at a time and go back to Florida to see the other kids. But she's with me and she was really worried and she doesn't have depression. I mean, I think she has shades of, we all have shades of things, but she doesn't fully understand depression. And she actually just watched a documentary

and I don't remember what the title of it was if she even told me, but it was about a husband who had depression and his wife trying to help him through it and not being able to. I was talking to her about it, and she said, I didn't fully understand until I watched this. Because there were so many times I spent with you as a teenager, I didn't understand why you were so mad at me all the time.

And I was like, yeah, I wasn't mad at you. I thought I was mad at you, but I was mad at everything. Yeah, mad at the world. Yeah. And so, um... Yeah, being depressed during this time, the progesterone definitely lent to it. Because for me, with IVF, I had to do... I had to do a shot of progesterone,

I had to do three daily vaginal suppositories, plus I was doing three times a day estrogen. Oh, my God. Yeah, you were triple... Like, I had two suppositories a day. Lucky lady. Which made me feel nuts as fuck. And I'm already crazy. So it was like...

So the progesterone shot, they first started me on every other day. And then when I went in, they said, your progesterone's a little low, let's do it every day. So then I was doing it every day. And that's when I really crashed. And so when I went back in, and this is the other hot tip I have. So let me just say, so those of you that don't know and women that do know,

but like are curious about this, the progesterone was so important because I believe that had not necessarily all to do, but a lot to do with my loss, my first pregnancy loss, because there was no fetal pull, but it's because progesterone helps thicken the lining of your uterus. So it gives baby something to stick to, essentially. And it has to remain that way because your placenta does not take over. According to my fertility doctor, I think week 12,

it could be a little bit less than that. I'm not quoting, I'm not a doctor, but I'm just- Placenta's gonna do what placenta's gonna do. Yeah, but like they say roughly around that time. And so that's why they recommend if you have low progesterone levels to be on progesterone up until week 10, 11, 12, something like that. And when I had my loss, my progesterone was at a five. And it should have been at a 50 plus or something.

Anywho, go ahead. So my hot tip would be like, even if you think it's normal, and that thing that's frustrating about pregnancy when you go to the doctor about, I'm experiencing this, they're likely to tell you, oh yeah, that was pregnancy. But still be honest about everything you're going through. I went into, I was still with my IVF clinic at the time, and I said, I think the progesterone is making me depressed. These pretzels are making me thirsty. Progesterone's making me depressed.

And they said, okay, according to your blood work, let's switch you back to doing it every other day. And when I switched back to every other day, I did feel better. Okay, so you were just like, it was a whole lot that your body didn't necessarily need. It was just, it was the pregnancy and my own natural tendencies and the progesterone.

Like I just think it was a number of different things. So things got incrementally better after that. And I'm glad we're talking about this because I like, I've said this before, but I think Instagram has been really awesome for me as of late because of all the different things I watch about fertility, I'm now getting more of that because of my algorithm. And it's been really helpful,

but I've never heard anyone in my life talk about being depressed, sad, like off their rocker when they're pregnant. Never in my life until I got pregnant. I thought I was an anomaly. There's such a push for like postpartum, postpartum, postpartum, but not the anti-partum, I think is what it's called. So you just have to know thyself and keep up with your therapy and be honest with people about how you're feeling. You know, I've had some friends that are really great about checking in. I'm a hypocrite as a Capricorn because I'm like, I want people to check in on me, but then I want them to check in on me in a very specific way. So people are like, how are you? How

are you feeling? I'm like, don't ask me. Don't ask me that. Or if people come at me and they'll do this, like if somebody tells me what to do, don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me what to do. Because I already have instructions for myself on a spreadsheet. So no, but like I have, I really like when people check in on like nonsensical things, you know, or just like, Oh my God, did you see the show? Did you see this movie? Do you want to go out? Like, can I take you out? Like that sort of thing has been really good. So, um, I am really glad that you and I are at a place where we're laughing about it. Oh my God, seriously. And seeing each other in person.

And yeah, I'm glad. I mean, I'm officially second trimester now, so. Woof, woof, woof. Woof, you're in the clear. You're gonna start feeling good. You're just a week behind me. I know. Because I'm a full week into, I'm 14 weeks today. So. Oh my God.

Yeah. Just a smidge bit. You're so close. Oh, I'm so excited. I know. Everyone, please listen to the Backup Plan podcast when Meredith brings it back. We'll get to it. We'll get to it. Because we're just getting out of our shitty feeling right now.

And thank you so much for all your honesty. Thanks. And I mean, seriously, I think it's just going to be so helpful. Like, when I had my loss, it was mind-blowing to me how many women and even men, like their partners, would email us and thank us because it's just not, I'm so, they're crying again. It's just like, it's not talked about enough.

And that's why people do feel so alone because they don't know that it's okay to feel shitty sometimes. Well, and that's why I am honest about my IVF. And like where I work, I'm lucky enough that I get along really well with everybody I work with and it's not a cutthroat environment. And I was very honest about like, if I'm acting weird, it's because I'm shooting myself full

of hormones. I'm doing IVF right now. And like, I haven't had to worry about my job being in danger and stuff, which is an absolute blessing. But I try to be as honest with people as possible. And I have educated so many people around me as to like what it involves and how people change during it and what kind of support people need. And that has been special.

Absolutely. I'm glad to contribute in some way. And even if I weren't pregnant, like just knowing those things, it's hard to know if you're not going through but just really taking those things in, listening to them and accepting them as honest truth. It's so helpful know if you're not going through it, but just really taking those things in, listening to them and accepting them as honest truth. It's so helpful to be around other women when they're going through it

and to be a good friend or family member, what have you. Okay, well, I love you so much. Thanks. I love you too. I'm so glad you drove down the Anaheim Trail and came. Up the Anaheim Trail. Yeah, you gotta get down it. I do. We'll do a Disney date.

Yeah. I'll show you how I Disney. Woof woof. Show me how you Disney girl. Oh my God. Can we go on rides with pregnant bellies or not really? Not the big ones. I don't think I would go on rides anyway. Not the big ones.

But I can guide you. Baby's first Disney trip in the belly. All right, guys. I love you so much and we'll talk to you next week. Make sure to follow us on social media. You can follow me on all platforms at Kristen Doty and follow Luke on Instagram at Luke double underscore Broderick.

Be sure to click the subscribe button so you can stay up to date with new episodes. Thanks for listening. See you next week. The search for truth never ends. Introducing June's Journey, a hidden object mobile game with a captivating story. Connect with friends, explore the roaring 20s,

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