Sex Talks With Emma-Louise Boynton - How to manifest the love you want with Roxie Nafousi

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Are you dating with a scarcity mindset? Do you end up chasing people who just aren’t that interested in you? Are you staying in a relationship, whether platonic or romantic, that doesn’t make you happy, just because you don’t believe there is anything, anyone better out there? You can change that. You can cultivate a new mindset - one that will help you find and build the relationships you truly want in your life. 2024 is the year to stop settling and in this episode, Emma-Louise is joined by manifesting queen, Roxie Nafousi, who is here to help you do just that. With special thanks to Tinder UK for sponsoring this podcast episode and the Sex Talks Live series partner, The London Edition. If you want to attend a LIVE recording of the Sex Talks podcast head over to this link.

Hello and welcome to the live version of the Sex Talks podcast with me, your host, Emma Louise Boynton. Sex Talks exists to engender more open, honest and vulnerable discussions around typically taboo topics, like sex and relationships, gender inequality, and the role technology is playing in changing the way we date, love and fuck. Our relationship to sex tells us so much about who we are and how we show off in the world. world, which is why I think it's a topic we ought to be talking about with a little more nuance and a lot more curiosity. So each week, I'm joined by new guest whose expertise on the topic I'd really like to mind and do well just that. From writers, authors and therapists to actors, musicians and founders, we'll hear from a glorious array of humans about stuff

that gets the heart of what it means to be human. If you want to attend a live recording of the podcast, click on the Eventbrite link in the show notes. Our next event is going to be an International Women's Day special with none other than comedian Sarah Pascoe. I am so excited for this one, which will see us deep dive into a discussion on sex, power and money, aka the things that make the world go around and which are conveniently the topic of Sarah's best-selling book of the same name. Expect a night of sex and comedy, comedy and sex. There is really no better way to spend international women's day. Oh, and men are warmly welcome to. Right, now to today's episode. Welcome to Sex Talks, the 2024 elevated version of, which I'm just so thrilled

about. Firstly, I do you want to say a big thank you to the London Edition Hotel, without whom this series wouldn't be possible. Also, I always feel quite kind of Carrie Bradshaw-meet-Sam I sit upstairs ahead of the event. So it feels like the perfect location for sex talks. And then a really big thank you to Tinder. They're the content sponsor for this evening and they've been just incredible for its whole journey. They're also a brand I really wanted to work with

because I think the ethos, the brand ethos of Tinder is one that so closely aligns with the conversation we're having this evening. Their mission is, after all, about helping inspire people on the journey of self-exploration. through dating, helping people to be inspired and making real connections and making it fun and easy for every new generation of singles. Without further ado, the woman who is going to make us all feel so much more excited and empowered in our pursuit of love, Roxie Nafusi. She is a best-selling

author of Manifest. She's an inspirational speaker and manifesting ex-book. She is a two times Sunday, two times Sunday Times, best-selling author. It's a tongue twister. With her debut book, which has achieved global acclaim, having been released in January 2022, Manifest was followed by Manifest Go Deeper, which also went straight onto the bestseller list. And last year, she published her third book,

Manifest for Kids, as part of her mission to support young people's mental and emotional well-being. Lucky for me, Roxy has become a very close friend since I first interviewed her about Manifest, first book, and has since been the recipient of numerous voices, notes of me complaining about my latest terrible date gone wrong. The advice you give is unparalleled. So seriously thank you for saving me from some awful headaches. So Roxy,

I thought we could just begin. I would love for you just to explain very briefly for anyone who is new to the concept of manifesting. What is manifesting and how could it help us specifically in our pursuit of love? So manifesting is using the power of your mind. to change and create the reality you experience. And manifesting essentially as a self-development practice. It's a way of living. It's a mindset. And it's about how you approach everything in your life,

how you show up every day, and helping you to make your dreams come true and become your most empowered and best self. And because you can literally manifest anything that includes love, so you can manifest your dream house, your career growth, your personal growth, and manifest your perfect partner. And I thought, let's address it right at the top.

What do you say to the naysayers who suggest manifesting is a bit woo-woo, and it's not possible to just kind of wish into existence your dream life because that's not how the world works? I think I really understand people who are cynical about manifesting, and it's because I think there are so many misconceptions around it, And if you go on TikTok, there are so many kind of, or Instagram or any of that, there are so many of these sort of like reels, which are like, if you just say, I'm so lucky, everything good is going to happen in your life.

And I'm like, no fucking way. Like, that's not enough. You know, manifesting isn't just about visualizing what you want and then waiting for it to happen. And I think that's what's being put out there. So people, like, they do say to me, you can't just think about what you want and then expect it to happen. and I'm like, no, no, you're right. Like, you can't do that. This really is about taking action, being proactive,

and essentially becoming so empowered and so full of self-belief that you make things happen. So, yeah, it's just, there's a lot of misconceptions around it. Yeah, and I feel on social media there's that tendency to people say, like, I manifested my perfect shoes, and you're like, exactly.

Is that really, you manifested that palm bag? Yeah, yeah. The word has definitely come into popular, like, it's become like colloquial. You know, people are using it in such a wrong way. So they are, they're always like, I manifested my handbag. I'm like, no, you fucking didn't. Stop brochering the concept.

Yeah, so I always feel like I'm like the PR for manifesting on damage control. Trying to be like, this is what it actually is. That's to clear up. And then for you personally, what has manifesting meant for you? How has it changed your relationship to love and your relationship to it personally? Oh, my God. Well, I mean, manifesting has really truly changed my life in every way imaginable. So five years ago, I was at like complete rock bottom.

I'd been in a battle with addiction to cocaine for 10 years. I had no job, no purpose, had never had a healthy relationship, was completely lost, full of self-loathing, and had always been unhappy. And when I discovered manifesting, something within me just clicked. and what clicked was that I realized that this is a practice that was all about self-worth, and I had no self-worth. So I was manifesting, but in the wrong direction, I was keeping myself stuck. And the first thing I wanted to manifest was love.

So I started researching the practice, and I went away, and I started, I first wrote this vision board of, like, my list, you know, my perfect person. And then I started listening to love affirmations. it was like I'd fall asleep to like some guy just being like, I am worthy of the relationship of my dreams. And he was like the most annoying voice, but I was like, I'm fucking doing this. Somebody told me this works. Anyway, a few weeks later on the 7th of June 2018, a man named Wade messaged me on a dating app. Now, Wade and me had absolutely zero in common. We had no mutual friends. He's Australian. He's an actor. He was in a caravan at the time, traveling around Europe. I'm not the caravan gal. I'm going to say this did come up later in our

relationship, where he was like, I come to the holidays you want to come to, you won't come in a caravan with me. I was like, no, I fucking won't. It's not the same. Anyway, we were like completely different and he happened to be passing through London for five days and I was like great so the first day we sat down together and I was like I've manifested you and he didn't think I was crazy he was like and you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life and I was like oh my god and I am not a reckless type I'm not I wouldn't even consider myself romantic I'm like I'm in avoidant actually but I'm also triple fire sign and we said I love you on the third day.

And five, what the fuck? I would not advise this. I will not be advising this tonight. Anyway, so then we just like fell head over heels. And then on the fifth day, he was supposed to be flying back to Australia. And he was like, you know what? I'm not going to get at the flight home. And I was like, okay, I was like, shit, okay, let's do this.

So he moves in with me, casual. He moves in with me after five days. But in my head, by the way, I'm like, well, I've manifested. you. He moves in and I remember that feeling though. I remember why I knew it felt so right because I felt completely at home and I think that's when you know it was like this feeling of like complete safety and he had this like amazing attitude was so different to me like I was an addict at that point I was going to the bathroom to do coke I mean might be part of why I said I love you after three days I was fucking high but whatever but he wasn't he like never took drugs

he didn't know for ages that I was doing that anyway not for a long not for a while a few weeks in I was like I'm an addict few weeks in is not it's like not that long because it was so intense so quickly yeah yeah for us it was like a year in so anyway then he then after two months of this like incredible summer it was that summer where it was sunny every day and he was like

London is incredible the weather is amazing I was like yeah he was like you know what I'm going to get my visa and I'm going to move here And I was like, fantastic. You go to Australia, get your visa. We'll meet in Dubai on the way home. And so he goes to Australia to get his visa. We meet back in Dubai because my parents live there.

We have this week holiday. And I remember, I don't know why. I've never told this story, but here we go. So anyway, I remember we watched the Star is born. And that night, I couldn't stop crying. And I kept on having flashbacks of like all my like years of like addiction and thing. And I kept crying. And I said, I know I'm going back to a different.

life. I just know. I don't know what it is. I just feel like my life is about to change forever. The next day we get back to London and I say to my sister, I'm just feeling a bit low. Like I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't feel myself. And you know when you're in that new feeling of like love and romance, it's like when you're in the honeymoon period. She goes, are you sure you're not pregnant? And I was like, no, I'm not fucking pregnant. I'd had the coil for 10 years, but had just taken it out. We'd had sex once. I took them morning after pill. She said, just do a test. I said, fine. We get it from Stainsbury's. We go home. And they're outside the door and I go, what does the cross mean? What does the cross mean? And there was

silence. And then I just heard, you're pregnant. And I was like, what? And I first, thing I did was went and had a cigarette because that was how I coped and then cried hysterically and then began a new chapter of my life and suddenly I was having pregnant I was pregnant and having a baby with a man I didn't know essentially who had no money I had no money he had a caravan though it wasn't even his wasn't even his he didn't even know in the caravan God damn it. And I was like, well, this isn't what I manifested. What the fuck?

But we went on this incredible journey together. I mean, the pregnancy was like the darkest time of my life. It was also really challenging for him. He was like, okay, London is now depressing and cold. And this girl is depressed and psychotic. And like, I'm in London and no one's here. Anyway, but then a year later, a year to the day of that first message on the 7th of June, 2019, our baby boy wolf was born. There it was, unconditional love.

And that's what you'd manifest when you put on your, when you thought about the love you wanted. It was unconditional love. It was unconditional love. But of course, I, you know, I absolutely manifested Wade, and we went on a five-year journey, and he is the most important person in my life still. And when we decided to co-parent,

and we went a bit, you know, we co-parented, and then we got back together for a bit, and then we didn't. And a few people said to me, oh, well, do you think that means that manifesting doesn't work? of course that's not what it means because if you manifest a job right the job that you want

do you expect to stay in that job for the rest of your life no absolutely not we hope you know Wade has changed my life beyond belief and without him and my son Wolf I wouldn't be here and hearing you talk about Wolf I think I was listening to a podcast you did earlier and they ask what brings you most joy in life and you just you can just hear you smiling and just like my child

he's just so funny and joyful he's also the cutest child I've ever seen in my life is the best. Time for a quick ad break. I was so excited to have Tinder sponsor the live recording of this podcast episode because their mission is so aligned with the topic of this discussion.

They are, after all, focused on empowering and inspiring people to make new connections, whether that be friends or lovers, and discover more about themselves in the process. A big reason I wanted to host a specific talk with Roxy was because I wanted to focus on the positives around dating,

It's easy to get a bit burnt out by a dating process, especially when your friends are all buying houses, getting married and having babies. But dating is, or rather should be, fun. It's fundamentally about getting to meet new, and we hope, interesting people. It's about doing things you might not otherwise do in your busy life. Anyone who knows me knows I love an adventure date. Dating is, as Roxy said in the interview, a chance to get to know yourself a little bit better. The highest and loads of dating over the past few years have taught me so much about who I am

and what I want from life as much as from love and I really like who I'm becoming with each new lesson learned. So thank you again to Tinder for helping keep the fun and dating well and truly alive and thank you also for sponsoring this podcast episode. Okay, back to the show. So throughout Manifest Book,

you articulate seven key principles which make manifesting, the process manifesting, really, I think, accessible. And what I've always loved about the way you approach this topic is that you essentially hand your readers a toolkit for getting to know yourself better and fundamentally, I think, articulate what it is you want. And for me, that's always been the most powerful thing about manifesting

is that it forces you to sit down and think, what do I actually want? Not what do I, you know, other people want for me, not what if I feel kind of pressured because of something I've seen on social media, but what do I actually really want? And I think that process of defining what it is you want is such an important one,

and often such a challenging one. So I thought we'd go through a few of the principles and apply them to the process of finding love. This is very much a selfish task for me because I'm looking for romance. So if my husband's listening, listen up to what I'm looking for and what I want and deliver.

That's the memo that's getting missed and the people I keep dating. They're missing my memo of what I need want. So number one, and this actually is perfect because it really leans into the story that you've just told there is about creating the vision.

You write, you can't get to where you want to go if you don't know where it is that you're headed. True words have never been written. So when it comes to finding love, you said there that you were very specific and that you wrote down the things that you want in a romantic partner and there was Man the Carabound. A few things maybe tweaked there.

How important is it for us to be really specific in what we were. want in romance because I think to a certain degree I'm like yes I need some non-negotiables I definitely need some non-negotiables but then do we risk limiting ourselves in terms of the person that we want to find how do you how do you suggest we go about defining what it is that we want and love I think that it's really important when it comes to like looking at what you want to manifest and the kind of person that you want to attract into your life that you are looking for the right things and you're looking for how you want someone to make you feel and I think that often like

For example, when I see people, I had one woman that she tagged me in her vision board, and there was just a big picture of Chris Hemsworth on it. I get it. I get it. But we're missing the mark there. Okay, because if we are writing things like, you know, tall, six foot, I mean, this thing with height and women, like, come on. Like, you're really narrowing things down there. Six at five and I'm sold.

You can get away with murder if you're tall in my book. It's terrible, I know. This is where we're going wrong. Okay, we need more voice notes. So, you know, it's really, we're not looking about how someone is on the outside. You know, obviously great, you want to be attracted to them. But again, that is a feeling. You want to feel attracted to somebody.

You want to feel respected by someone. You want to feel comfortable and at home with someone. You want somebody to, you know, share your love of camping. Says Wade. You want someone to share your love of philosophy. You want someone to be articulate, someone to be open-minded. There are all these qualities that we can look at, which will change the way that you feel and change the way the relationship feels.

And that's really what we're trying to understand. And I think that it is important to be specific about this, because when you go on the dating game, everything is so dictated by your ego and your insecurities and your low self-worth. And so you're at such a, you're so vulnerable to going for the wrong thing or to not having your, not setting, being able to set your own standards or not being able to honor your own boundaries or your non-negotiables. And so we have to put some things in place that help us because when you go on a date, it's so easy to kind of, at that very first step, we're saying, oh God, I really hope they like me. I really hope they make me feel validated. I really hope I'm enough. But what we should be saying is I really hope I like them.

I really hope they're enough for me. And we're not doing that. We're going into it just already insecure and worried about rejection. It's almost like the number one thing that's on our mind. Or is the number one thing on our mind should be, is this person the person that I actually have thought about in my mind, that I visualize that I want to be with? it becomes like a really important filter for us that helps us stand in our power.

And actually just hearing you say that, I think it would be so helpful. This is an exercise I definitely will apply to myself and would recommend some other people do it too, is really thinking about how you want to feel in someone else's company. Because I think I often do focus on all the other things. Like, you know, interesting conversation, yes, height, yes, looks yes. All the other things. And what I ignore is how much of a basket of anxiety I often feel in people's presence. and as I've told you many times before

and ignore that because the other things that I have deemed really important those boxes are ticked but ultimately I feel terrible and I feel like an absolute basket of anxiety and that's ultimately we don't want to be feeling like that in dating. I show up on most dates

and feel like it's kind of judgment day and God is at the gates of heaven saying no like that is a terrible way to approach dating but Roxy I and a lot of my friends some of my early 30s, I imagine quite a lot of people here and it's a similar sort of age, I feel like I've done a lot of work

to unlearn this idea that I need a romantic partner to be fulfilled in my life. I've had to really do the work to disentangle myself from that kind of Disney fairy tale happily ever after narrative that made me feel that when I don't have a partner my life is somehow missing something key. And this is something we talk about a lot at sex talks about really kind of trying to disengage from that narrative. How do we maintain the kind of boss bitch independent energy

but still cultivate the vulnerability required to be open in dating? Because that's what I really find hard. I think it's such a good question and I think that actually when we go in with this attitude of being so like, I don't need anyone. I'm so happy on my own. I'm going to prove that I'm okay in my own. own. I actually think, well, we're not saying to the universe, which for me is just this

energetic force greater than ourselves, I'm open and I'm ready. It's like we're trying to prove this point that we're okay on our own, but hey, we're human, we're not supposed to be on our own. That's literally not what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to find a companion and grow through life with somebody. And I think it's absolutely, you can still be a strong, independent woman and say, I really want to find someone. I actually really want someone in my life to share joy with. Like, what is life really about? It's about sharing experiences with people that you love.

And in all forms, you know, whether that's friendship or, you know, family, but also a romantic partner. We want to feel desired. We want to desire people. And actually being able to admit that to ourselves is so important. It doesn't make us weak. It doesn't mean that we're insecure. It doesn't mean that we feel unworthy as we are.

It's about finding this balance of going, I'm okay on my own. I love my life. I don't need somebody to fulfill me or make me feel validated. But yeah, God, I really want that. And I can't wait to meet someone to enjoy life with. So, yeah, I feel like I had quite a few people of late. Tell me, you have to let someone carry your goddamn bags.

I go around with like a million and one bags. You are actually baglady. the other day was a new low. I actually just brought my suitcase to work. I was so tired of my heavy bags. I just packed a small suitcase and had my backpack on. And I got to the office and I worked in a co-working space. And someone just looked at me and was like, oh, where are you going? I was like, nowhere. She's like, where'd come from? Nowhere. And she just looked to me like, this is a new level of crazy. And there it was. I had to like get on the floor and like open up the bag and like unzip it and get out all my books. It was awful.

But anyway, with the bag analogy, I carry a lot of bags wherever I go. And these bags come with me on dates. I can't help it. I'm always on the way to somewhere. And so often people do offer, say, like, can I help you carry your bag? And I'm like, honestly, don't. And in my head, it's because I have this feeling of if you carry my bag for a bit, it's going to feel heavier when you give it back.

And I realize that's just such a negative way of seeing things. Because to your point, it's actually just someone else offering to help you and to lighten your load. And I think as you say, it's as important with friends. I think there's something so beautiful and being able to ask help of people around you. And as a friend, like, I love it when people ask me to help. I love it when people say, hey, I'm really struggling. Can you give me a hand with this? It feels so wonderful to be needed and to be able to be of service to others.

And it's something in the context of dating I'm really trying to get better at. So carry my goddamn bags. Hell yeah. So you mentioned that the, that kind of mentality of feeling when you go on a date or when you're with someone new that you are worried about, you know, what do they think of me, are they going to accept me? And this is something you addressed in the book and it's principle number two, which is remove fear and doubt. And I love this because I think it's, you know, we're talking this evening about what is the mindset, the kind of best mindset that we can be in for making

ourselves ready and available for love. I was recently with a friend who went on a date with this guy and quite quickly he made it clear that like they just weren't really on the same page about things and she spiraled and kind of felt that it was a comment on her and I'm looking at her this incredibly powerful beautiful smart amazing woman but she has a narrative that she's written about herself and she's looking to have it confirmed by these roll your eyes because it's so true because how many times do we do it's the whole time exactly how do we remove that self doubt that says that we're not worthy of the love that we want especially when let's be real modern dating can be fucked up. I mean, changing what we believe about ourselves is like the most important aspect

of the whole manifesting process in all areas of our life, because our belief systems are the lens through which we view everything. So if we believe intrinsically that we're unlovable, people don't like us, we're not worthy as we are, every interaction we have is going to be viewed through that lens. So we will misinterpret people's behavior, their communication style, their body language, and then we'll respond as such. And we're essentially, form a self-fulfilling prophecy. And that's why we self-sabotage. We sabotage those relationships. We sabotage when people are nice to us. We fuck it up, don't we? I mean, we've all been there. But if we have a belief that we are likable, lovable, worthy, good with people,

then when we view it, you know, the way we view our interactions is going to be completely different. We won't take things personally. We won't react defensively. We won't, you know, overanalyze every message and everything that happens to us and essentially we become more relaxed with people and that is more magnetic and more attractive but that journey of you know changing what we believe and finding self-worth is the healing journey required and there is no escaping it you know at the moment for all of us we are being controlled by our past our wounds our relationships that we had when we were younger, all of this is controlling how we feel about ourselves now and the relationships that we now attract into our life. And so until you start to go backwards and recognize what are

the patterns, where did they come from, how can I process them and heal them, we can't actually liberate ourselves and free ourselves in the way that we need to. How do we go about writing a fresh story about ourselves to tell ourselves to feel more empowered? I think that we can always choose and understand that we have the power to choose new perspectives. So this can just be a really simple practice that we always adopt. So first we need to become more aware of our narratives and our thought processes. I mean, most of our thoughts are just, like our belief systems are kind of speaking to us on repeat. They're habitual. Okay, so we're not, when we have this kind of thought, let's say we meet someone and we don't hear from them for an hour and we're going,

see, I knew they didn't like me. We need that self-awareness. We need to be aware of what our minds are telling us and of the narrative that's going on so that we can then think of another perspective. We have the power to choose our thoughts. And so I'll put it in another context just to make it easier. Let's say that we're at work, because sometimes I think it's easier, by the way, to understand things not in relation to love, because love is the most triggering part of things. So when we can start to understand it in the context of the rest of our lives, it's easier actually to apply it into this part of our life, which is the most raw and the hardest. The manifesting love is the toughest one to do for most of us. So let's say you send an email

to someone at work and they send you a pretty direct reply. For most of us who have insecurities, we will read this reply and we will take it personally. So we will say, oh my God, what have I done? Why don't they like me anymore? Are they going to stop? And we'll play out stories, I'm probably going to get fired. We'll go that far. We'll be like, that's it. Don't have no money. Then what am I going to do? And we'll completely spiral. But we have the power at that point to make a choice, to think of a new perspective. Now, we can think of anything. We can think of that person is in a rush. That person is having a really bad day themselves. They're under pressure from their own boss. We could think of all these other perspectives that actually

have nothing to do with us. The idea is that what we need to start doing is stop making it so personal. And at the moment, everything, every time we're making a narrative, we're making it personal. And so we have to get into the practice of finding new perspectives. And what happens is that will be an effort at the beginning. You'll have to really make that conscious effort to recognize the thought, recognize what is your current's perspective, and make a conscious choice to change that perspective to a new one. That will feel like an effort at first. But the more you do it, the easier it will become.

And naturally, you'll start to form perspectives that aren't about you. And the thing is, with dating in general, it's never fucking personal, ever. If somebody, like, I always think, when you meet someone, think about it with friends. Again, let's put this not in love. How many people have you met?

Like, thousands and thousands. how many of those people would you call your best friends one or two you know maybe a handful and why you couldn't say why those people are your best friend there's just an attraction there's just an energy that connects you to that person but all those other people that aren't your friends you don't take that personally there are just people that you vibe with and people that you don't and it's exactly the same in love. It's not you're not good enough or this person doesn't have the qualities that I want. It's just attraction. It's chemistry. It's energy. It's something that you can't even explain. And it's either there or it's not. But I think that we try so hard to make it about us

because our subconscious wants to make everything personal when it just isn't. And if we can go into dating and realize that it's not about us, it's just about an energy, then it's so much easier and so much more freeing and so much more empowering and we're able to walk away from people that aren't right for us without, you know, berating ourselves over it. And it's freeing ourselves from that perception of dating being just, yeah, one long judgment day because that's a really awful lens through which to see it. And I was actually just saying this to the friend before we started talking, that it's so important, I think, ultimately, I think so much this comes down to, is building a reservoir of your own self-worth, which is really what so much of your book

is about. It's really creating your own source of self-worths that you're not delegating responsibility to someone else to come along and make you feel validated. Because I think that's where we can, so we, I, can trip up so much when it comes to dating, when we're looking outwards for other people to confirm that we're good, we're interesting, we're hot, we're sexy, all these things. And it's such a dangerous path to fall down because when you first start dating someone

and you do get that validation and it's hot and it's sexy and the sex is amazing, you get that high and it's actually addictive. I've actually just done an interview with an evolutionary anthropologist, Anna Machen, podcast dropping on Thursday, who talks about the neurochemical processes that happen when we initially find someone

attractive. And it sends you crazy, okay? legitimately crazy and obsessive. I felt so validated by that. But it really does. And I think that that process can leave you feeling mad. But then the flip side of that

is when that person does get busy. Maybe they pull away and you have that drop and it can feel sometimes like coming off a drug. I mean, I've messaged you when I felt and said, I feel like I've been high for four days and suddenly I am crashing. And I think

if we can kind of create our own real kind of strong source of I guess of self-love really and self-worth so that we're not always looking outwards so yes you can go through that high and then you know you come down with that a little bit but you're not just like plummeting to some kind of bottomless pit every time because ultimately it's just a really unsustainable and makes dating not that fun um and roxy when we think I feel like self-love is something we talk about a lot on social media it's a term that gets bandied around all the time what does self-love mean to you um um Self-love to me is honoring where you're at today and where you want to be tomorrow.

So self-love is about being in touch with how you feel today and being compassionate to that. So some days we're feeling fucking on top of the world, high vibe. We're ready to go. And on those days, great. Give yourself a kick up the butt. Go do it. Go do it to the gym. Work hard.

Hustle. Do all those things. And on other days, we're feeling low energy. we've got PMS. We're not feeling our best. And that's okay. It's about not forcing something on those days. It's about being compassionate. But also honoring where you want to be tomorrow. I've got a deadline I have to meet. So I need to be able to give myself a bit of a push. I always think there's a fine line between giving yourself compassion and then indulging in your own misery. And only you know that line. You know that line when you're going to like for me. Like, get out the violin. Okay. And so it's finding that balance. And I think that, you know,

everything that we do from the minute we wake up to the minute we go to bed is an opportunity for us to either boost and cultivate self-love or not. Whether we're snoozing our alarm, whether we're just going to the gym and we said we would, whether we're who we're choosing to spend time with,

whether we're saying no to things that we don't want to do. Everything we do, there's a decision to be made. And the decision, it comes from this question, which is, is this the most self-loving choice I can make? Or is this serving my higher self? And I think it's so nice when we can get into the practices of asking ourselves that question. And really being your own best carer in a way. And I think that's what, to me, it always feels like. It's just how do I look after myself the best, which is something I really like to do in sex therapy.

There's a lot to be said for looking up yourself sexually. Align your behaviour. So principle number three in the book is about getting your behavior in line with this vision that you created of this dream life that you really want. When it comes to dating, if you have decided you really are ready to find love, you really want to find that partner, does aligning your behavior to that mean you just need to go on every single date and be dating all the time nonstop? because ultimately it is kind of a numbers game. No, we don't need to be going on every fucking day, Emma. No, aligning of behaviour is, yes, okay, you can't be at home. We're talking about this earlier.

You're not going to meet someone sitting at home. Delivery driver, you're like, it's kind of hot. It is about, okay, signing up to the dating apps. Okay, for example, personal story. So I just, I'm single now and I'm like newly single. And yeah, I definitely, I've decided I don't want to meet anyone until June because I've got another book to write and I don't want distraction. But we don't have time to be falling in love after three dates. But I've joined a dating app, which I haven't done for five years since Wade.

And I'm not joining an app because I want to meet someone on the app right now, but because I want to energetically put myself out there and feel like I'm open to it. And my idea also isn't just that you might meet someone on an app. It's that someone might see you on an app. And then when you're out, they recognize you. This is what I think. I think this. Yes. Plant the seed.

Be visible. So I kind of touched this a little bit at the beginning and kind of that's a conversation that it can, dating can make you feel a little bit burnt out. When you've gone on lots of dates and they haven't necessarily gone the way you wanted them too. I feel like you can get that slightly burnout, and being on the app, as amazing it can be, sometimes you do get that dating out fatigue.

How do we curb that and make dating, as you said at the start, as Tinder is all about, how do we make dating fun and adventurous and kind of cultivate that kind of positive mindset with it again? I think there's a few things. I think firstly, if you are feeling that you have dating burnout, like

back off a bit. Like, don't force yourself into it. I think that listen to your body, listen to your intuition, trust yourself, and if you're feeling like you're just a bit sick of it, don't do it. Like, you just need a break. But I think that part of the burnout comes from this like immense pressure that we're putting ourselves, perhaps. I mean, I haven't been dating yet, so I'm speaking hypothetically, but I imagine that, you know, dating is, if every day is is having this extreme emotional pressure of will I be liked?

How am I going to come across? Having to not be yourself is tiring. So if you're going into date, putting on a facade of who you think that person will like, that is exhausting. Why is it that with some people you leave their company and you feel totally drained and with other people you feel totally invigorated? We feel invigorated and we're around people who allow us to be ourselves. but actually that's on you to make that choice.

When you're going on dates, can you show up as yourself? That, by the way, is magnetic anyway, but it's also a lot more energizing. And can you go into dates, actually, with an expectation, not of, is this person going to like me? Is this going to be the person I marry, you know, fantasizing about the wedding just because you've seen their profile on Tinder?

Do you know what I mean? But like, instead of that, can we go into like, what am I going to learn about myself? in this next hour and a half, two hours. Because everybody that we interact with actually doesn't teach us something about them as much as it teaches us something about ourselves, what we like and don't like, who we are,

how we feel with certain people, what energy we like to be around. And so we can look at them as like learning opportunities and just a new experience. And I think going into that just is so much easier and there's a lightness to it. I love that. I feel like I've learned so much

much about myself in the past couple days through date, a couple of days, oh, I'll be a bit punchy, past couple years through dating. I mean, not least that I don't want to become a cyclist, like a serious, like, Lycra-clad cyclist. I really tried to become that person because I was like, kind of wanted to impress this guy. I was dating. And I think I liked the idea of the cyclist life when it actually came to buying the, like, Lycra one piece that just looks like a black condom. And then, like, slipping my feet into these gross ass shoes and clip, no offence, anyone cycles here like great I feel like one of you when I see you on the street cycling and yet I can't clip in I just cannot and with the demise of that relationship was the demise of my

pursuit of cycling I did go on a cycling holiday by myself just to make sure and yes it was not that fun I also basically stayed in old people's home during that which was interesting wouldn't recommend it um now roxy before we move on to what is my favorite of the principles, which is overcoming test from the universe. Yes. The test just keep getting through my way. I have to mention, I think the most consoling piece of advice you have ever given me when it comes to dating is something you said not that long ago, in a voice note, you said,

I promise you that one day you will meet someone who won't make you feel this anxious and who will just make you feel calm and the love will just be calming. and I really needed to hear it then and I think I still really need to hear it now because I think I have learned to associate that early dating someone with this kind of all-consuming anxiety. But I wonder, you mentioned before

that we tend to project our past traumas and wounds onto new relationships which I think I'm definitely guilty of I think most people are. How do we distinguish between our own projections of unhealed wounds and past traumas versus someone actually not being that great a match for us. Because I think sometimes I lose my capacity

to distinguish between the two and I don't want my own issues to become self-fulfilling prophecies. But equally, sometimes people do just make me feel really anxious. I actually think that most of the time it's an excuse we make to keep to stick around with people who aren't treating us right. We go, it's probably my issue. I'm overthinking it.

No, you're fucking not. They're just being dicks. Like, they're not being good enough. And I think that we can fall into that trap when somebody, let's say we're feeling anxious about somebody that isn't texting us back or isn't giving us what we deserve. I mean, I hear it all the time. Am I just expecting too much?

Like, no. You're not expecting too much. it's not your issue, it's the fact that you're not able to just say, I know I deserve better. And so I think, but because it's so addictive and because our subconscious wants to find a reason to wait for the next high, we start coming up with all these different excuses of, it's me. I'm expecting too much. Maybe I just shouldn't have done this. But actually, when it's the right person, there's none of that. There's none of that. I mean, how many times have you gone back through your memory bank and been like it could have been when I made a cup of tea

like that and that was an ick and I'm an idiot and I need to learn to remove the tea back. I mean just shit like that and you just end up going driving yourself totally mad and I think you're right that actually like I always think do my bestest friends make me feel like that and I know there's like a degree of comfort I've established with them but you know we meet like a new friend like I went on a coffee date the other day with amazing woman and we just had the best five best chats went deep went far like it was fabulous and afterwards a text of being like I like you so much I can't wait to hang out again like I'm really excited to have made a new adult friend and it was so clear and simple and she was like

right back at you like feel the same I thought it was so easy and it was so obvious we've since followed up and had I was like this would kind of be an ideal dating trajectory if only you were a romantic prospect sadly she was not right we're going to go on to test of the universe because this is my absolute favorite principle and just a little note in terms of the kind of the trajectory of the evening so we're going to cover this final principle, which I think is the most fundamental one and will also teach us how to get over heartbreak. Time for another quick ad break. So one of the things friends complained about to me a lot

when it comes to dating is that they're bored of just going to the pub and getting drinks with people. It feels like a waste of time, they say. And I fully agree with that. But that doesn't mean you need to stop dating. That means you need to go on better dates. Tinder, a.k. the sponsor for this podcast episode is all about injecting the fun and the adventure back into dating. Dating, they're keen to remind us, is as much a chance to learn more about yourself, what you like doing, what new experiences you enjoy,

as it is a chance to learn about your potential new lover. I am so down with that. Personally, I love an adventure date. I want to go to a show I haven't seen before, to a place I've never visited, on a hike I don't think I can survive, and then bloody well do because there is nothing like a bit of romantic social pressure to get you up a goddamn hill i want to scale mountains chase the sunshine and drink margaritas on a beach there's no

reason i can't do any of this on a date so thank you again to tinder for helping keep the fun and dating well and truly alive and thank you also for sponsoring this podcast episode if you want an adventure date idea feel free to slide into my dms and i will provide So tests of the universe, you actually bring up, you link kind of romance and love to your test of the universe in the book because you mention the X, this kind of symbol, I suppose, of the past that's often kind of pulling us back. We all have, I'd say most of us have, that former flame who we love to seek validation from, we love to get a text from, and we love to fuck on occasion when we're feeling a little bit desperate, a little bit lonely. Can you

maintain this sort of sometimes very convenient relationship while looking for something more serious with someone new? Well, so let me just explain quickly what a test of the universe is. So we manifest what we subconsciously believe we are worthy of receiving. That's the most important and the biggest secret of manifest. We manifest it. We manifest what we subconsciously believe we are worthy of receiving. And we are in constant dialogue with the universe, this energetic force greater than ourselves. We are always showing it through our actions, through our behavior, and through the way that we speak to ourselves even, how worthy we believe we are of receiving abundance, love, happiness, joy, success. On the way to manifesting our dream life or our dream partner

or our best self, I believe that we are presented with tests. And these tests come to ask you, How worthy do you really think you are of receiving, of receiving this thing that you so desire? Now, tests often come in the form of exes or of people that just aren't treating you right, those people that are playing hot and cold with you, those people that you're just sticking around for, even though they're not really worthy of you. And with an ex, you know, there's that familiarity, there's that comfort. And remember that our subconscious is always craving safety, and it feels safe in what's familiar. It doesn't care if what's familiar is good or bad.

That's why it's really hard to break toxic cycles and to get out of toxic relationships and to get out of these habits when we're texting our exes and all of that stuff. But the thing is, is that our energy isn't limitless. You know, we have a finite amount. And so if we want to receive what's right for us, we have to clear space. we have to clear space for what's right for us to come into our sphere

into our life and so I am definitely of the belief that if you want to meet someone new you have to break those ties you have to create space for it I mean just even as you visualise yourself looking back

a.k. looking back to your ex is literally your head turned and you're not looking forward at the potentially like new thing in front of you so even as I would kind of try and visualize that It's like my phone, hand creeps to my phone and I'm like, girl's got to eat, girls got to eat. How many challenges do you think we should put up with if we are dating someone new? Because no one is perfect and no situation is perfect.

But how do you know when you have withstood one too many challenges with a new person versus when you're kind of riding the wave of getting to know each other better and kind of ironing out the kinks? I mean, I feel like I have quite a brutal view on these things in general. However, I'm definitely, like, always able to see it from another person's point of view. And I think that as we interact and go into these experiences, I think, yeah, we do have to understand, like, to what extent am I projecting? Am I really, like, overthinking because he only put one kiss instead of two? Like, okay, that kind of stuff, right? but I think the basics should be met.

They should message you straight after the date. They should be asking you questions. Like, I'm sorry, I always say, you know how much someone likes you by how soon after the date they message you. Like, it is the telltale sign. And if it's not within, I would say 12 hours, they're not that interested. And after 24 hours, let it go.

Let it go. They are a test. Right? But I think these basics need to be met, and I think that so many, especially women, ignore the basics. And they just put up with so much shit. It kills me. And I really want to encourage people to just step into their power. Whoever this person is that is not treating you right is not the one. There are an abundance of other people out there. And it's really about stepping into that abundant mindset and understanding that there is, love out there there is the right person out there i actually i love what you've just said that i think i am surrounded by so many phenomenal powerful smart interesting women who in all aspects of their life are just thriving and then a guy comes along and it's just like the achilles heel and i see them just not like step into their shadow version of themselves and i think what you've just said there the scarcity mindset.

I hear this. I now, as I say, being your 30s, I'm hearing this over and over again amongst friends. And I say it to myself sometimes, oh, there's just not that many people left. Like the pool is getting smaller. Everyone's getting married and having babies now.

It feels like suddenly there is this weird race to find that person, to find that one. And there seems no more damaging a mindset to be in if you actually want to find a meaningful connection because I think that scarcity mindset makes people put up with so much shit as you've just said.

Because you think someone actually said to me one of my most successful friends of the day said in similar words she was willing to put up with someone who had basically told her he didn't want to be with her. I mean, talk about low vibrations. This guy had no vibrations. But she was willing to put up with that.

And I asked her why and just said because I'd rather be with him than no one and there doesn't feel like there's anybody left. How do we move away from that scarcity mindset to an abundant mindset, particularly when we're getting into our 30s and that pressure does be like it's on. I think it's just, again,

it's telling ourselves a different story and you have to keep repeating it to yourself. I will meet the right person. The right person is coming for me. I'm so excited for that experience. Seeing as much, you know, being inspired by as much love that you can see, you know, I can't wait to have that for myself.

And I think remember that that desperate energy is going to block you from having, the thing that you want. No matter in what manifesting process, like step seven of my process is trust in the universe. This is all about that surrender. It's about that knowing, unwavering confidence that is so magnetic. To me, this is like the gold dust of the whole manifesting process when you can sit in this confidence and this knowing feeling that you don't know how, you just know it will happen. And we have to apply that to dating more than anywhere. I don't know how I'm going to meet them, but I know that I will. I know that that is coming for me.

and I'm ready for it when it is, but I'm also not desperate for it. As soon as we step into that desperate feeling, we're coming from a place of fear and doubt, which are the two things that are blocking us from manifesting the things that we want. That's why step two, remove fear and doubt is the most important step of manifesting.

So it's about just going, I know it's coming for me. I'm sure of it. And that is that magnetism. You have it in other areas of your life. You'll have other areas of your life where you just know things are going to work out. It's why people can be so confident in their work, but not in love.

But it's trying to apply that into all areas, including our dating. And what then about the hardest test of all, which is heartbreak, breakups? When someone dumps you seemingly prematurely, when a relationship that you really feel was going somewhere and had given you hope and love once again, when that comes to an end, and it feels like an absolutely unbeatable test what advice do you give to people facing that right now oh i mean heartbreak is so it's grief you know it's it's such a difficult thing to go through but i always say that you know when i see someone going through heartbreak i feel so excited for them because you never grow more than you do through heartbreak it is actually the most healing and empowering experience that

you will ever have. And I think there are many stages of it, but once you've gone through some of them, you know, it's firstly about this real sense of acceptance of like really accepting what's happened. It's about being able to be grateful for the experience at all. I think one of the things that holds us back from moving on with heartbreak is this, we go into this, I wish I'd never met them. Why did I do this? Why did they do this to me? Why? And trying to find all these, You know, we ask ourselves all these like questions that we're never going to get the answer to and we're never going to have closure on

until we're able to just say, you know what? It's sad it ended, but here are all the ways, all the things I'm grateful for. Even if it was a shit relationship, there are parts of it that you can be grateful for. There are things that you would have experienced that you're grateful for.

There's ways that you've grown throughout that relationship or things that you've learned that you can be grateful for. And actually, sometimes I find that so healing in itself. and then remembering that missing someone doesn't mean that you're meant to be with them. And I think that when we miss someone and we think about them a lot, we think that's a sign that they're still meant for us. And it's just not.

It's just okay to miss someone. And being okay with that feeling, again, it's quite liberating. You don't need to, because we almost get addicted to missing someone because we think it still ties us to them and it keeps us drawn to them. But actually it doesn't. It's just a feeling that we have that will pass. And on the other end of this, on the other side of this heartbreak is going to be reward and greatness and light.

And that's a beautiful thing. And I think social media does make it so much harder because we're no longer allowed to forget anything. The only thing my phone ever reminds me about is my ex-boyfriend. And we broke up literally like eight years ago, this guy. And honestly, it's almost like weekly. It's like, do you remember 2014? on this sunny spring day.

And I'm like, no. And I don't want to either. I'm happy we had that time. But like, stop reminding me. So I do also think technology plays a role in this, which I think, especially the immediate aftermath of heartbreak, do yourself a favour and just don't follow, don't scroll, don't stalk. Give yourself the ability to move on emotionally by not being fixated on their online presence.

Throughout this conversation, Roxy, we have talked really about the process of, as I said before, building your reservoir of self-worth and self-confidence that can allow you to go into dating with what you describe as an abundant mindset versus a scarcity mindset and all the ways in which dating can therefore actually be a challenging but important way of getting to know yourself better and of practicing your boundaries which I think is something we can it then is transferable to the rest of our life more generally with that in mind what do you think is the most important thing that you've learned about yourself through dating and through the experiences that you've had in I think that, you know, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my patterns and my like trauma

around relationships and love. I've learned that I'm somebody that's very, very vulnerable in the space of an audience or in the space of my book or if you've, if anybody's ever heard me on a podcast, I will be very open about everything on Instagram. And I thought that that meant that I was really vulnerable. And then I realized that in a relationship, I'm anything but. I am so avoidant. I hate

the idea of commitment. I hate the idea of one person forever. As soon as I get close, somebody gets close, I back off. You know, I'm... And actually, what Wade kept telling me was like, he was like, you cannot be vulnerable. And I was like, are you insane? I tell people

about my drug addiction days. Like, I go in detail. And he's like, that's not vulnerability. And I was like, ah, so I really learned how much I struggle with that and how much there is that fear of abandonment that drives me. So I've done loads of work around that. I mean, I think I'm always trying to find out more about myself in every aspect of my life. But, you know, the last person I dated, it was when I was on a break with Wade,

it was like two years ago or a year and a half ago, I went crazy. And it was the first person I dated since I discovered manifesting. thinking that I was like so evolved and like had done so much work on myself and I lost my fucking mind. I was like he caught he was like hi crazy roxy. He was such a nice guy actually but I was like oh my god I still have so far to go and since then have done so much work on myself but it was such a powerful experience for me and in that that's when I knew that the work had help though because I was able to catch myself so early on I was able to not let myself spiral and absolutely close the door to that like so quick five dates and I was like uh-uh nope this is never

going to work you know so it's it does the inner work does help it does make for easier dating experiences I really resonate with what you said there about the vulnerability point as ever I feel like I've just learned so much from you and I love the way you make me feel hopeful and also that I'm able to take control over a part of my life that can feel really uncontrollable because I can feel at the mercy of other people and circumstances and my feelings. But when I speak to you and when I read your book about manifesting, I feel like I can actually take the reins a little bit more and it just come from me and I really love that feeling. So thank you. Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much for listening to this live recording of a sex talks podcast with me, your host, Em Louise Boynton. This was recorded at the London Edition Hotel. If you'd like to attend Sex Talks Live, head on over to the Eventbrite link in the show notes, as we have lots of exciting live events coming up. And finally,

if you've enjoyed the show, I hope you have, please don't forget to rate, review and subscribe on whatever platform you're listening to this on. So apparently, it helps others to find us. Have a wonderful day. Thank you.