Sex With Emily - 3 Ways to Boost Your Sexual Confidence

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

What’s holding you back in bed? We’ve all got our pain points: body image, not being able to tell your partner what you want, feeling embarrassed to make noise or express yourself. But I asked you how you overcame sexual insecurities, and you came back with SOLID advice. So on today’s show, along with my advice, we’re spreading the sexual confidence gospel using tips from the Sex With Emily community.First, we get into body image: how to hack your brain to feel more comfortable in your skin. Next, I talk about my favorite subject: communicating with your partner, to create a culture of sex positivity. Finally, I’ve got a particularly juicy tip to help you let go in bed and express yourself without inhibition — to hear it, just take a listen to this episode.Show Notes:Ask Emily: My Partner Watches Porn a LIttle Too EnthusiasticallyFeeldFet LifeFirst Date, First Orgasm, First Threesome  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I know I'm always saying get clear and what kind of person you want to date, but what I mean by that is how do they treat you? What do you do on the weekends? What are their values? Do you share them? What's your sex life like? That's a little bit different than the part about like, is it a relationship? Is it not?

I think when you find your people, when you find your person, you're going to know what to do next. So let's just focus on what kind of traits and values and experiences and personality types that you jive with the best. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So what's holding you back in bed? Well, we've all got our pain points, body image, not being able to tell your partner what you want, feeling embarrassed to make noise or express yourself.

That's a big one. But I asked you how you overcame sexual insecurities and well, you came back with solid advice. So in today's show along with my advice, we're spreading the sexual confidence gospel using tips from the sex with Emily community. First, we get into body image. How to hack your brain to feel more comfortable in your skin.

Next, I talk about my favorite subject, communicating with your partner, to create a culture of sex positivity. Finally, I've got a particularly juicy tip to help you let go and bed and express yourself without inhibition. Well, to hear it, just take a listen to this episode. Alright, intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I incurred you to do the same. So, what do I mean by this though?

Well, when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How can it help you? Well, my intention is to help you cultivate authentic sexual confidence. Because listen, there's a difference between puffed up fake confidence, you know, the kind that's actually masking insecurity and genuine comfort with who you are, what you bring to the table, what you bring to bed. Well by the end of this episode, you'll know how to bring forth your magic. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

My new article, Ask Emily, my partner watches porn a little too enthusiastically, is up at sexwithemily.com. Also check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Or just call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And totally cool to change your name to remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. On today's show, we are honing in on sexual confidence and the specific tools you need

to really bring in bed to show up as the lover that you are meant to be. But first, it's useful to look at what's holding you back sexually. What's keeping you from being the lover that you want to be? Well, we're going to dress those psychological pain points. And then, once we solve for those, we can work with your brain to cultivate authentic confidence, the real deal. Because there is a difference between being puffed up and fake confidence, you know, the kind that's actually masking and insecurity, evolving there.

Talking about having genuine comfort with who you are, what you bring to the table, what you bring to bed without comparing yourself to your partner and their perceived expertise. So I actually asked you, I went to Instagram and I asked you, what do you think is the one thing that's holding you back from having incredible sex? You're as what you told me. I found this very interesting and what have seemed to be true over these years.

Your appearance, you just don't love the way you look. Whether it's your body, your face, your hair, your genitals. And one of you wrote me and you said that you literally hate in all caps your body. You ate your body. And think about this. If you hate your body, like those are the words you usually like, I hate it. Think about how it would have challenged it might be to feel comfortable when you're with somebody else and expecting them to actually like it. Like you're coming in, all armed and hate and then like, but I want others to love my body.

It's tricky, right? So that's the relationship we're going to heal today. Another one of you wrote, being self-conscious of my body imperfections. Hello, we all body imperfections, but I know that this is a hard one. Another said, never about farting or smelling. I get it. Hygiene, huge issue. Another one of you wrote to say lack of confidence due to a scar in my head from a truck accident.

So what we heard here from scars, to a post baby belly, to acne, to hair loss. You were all so honest and vulnerable with me on this issue, which I love and appreciate. Doesn't it make you feel a little bit more held right now, a little bit better that we're all sort of feeling a lot of these same challenges in the bedroom? The other thing you said was your communication. You just don't know how to talk about sex with your partner.

And one of you wrote and said, I can't communicate what I want because I don't know what I want. Oh, this is a big one. So many of us don't even know what we want in bed. We know what's happening right now isn't quite right, but the fact that we don't know what we want feels somehow wrong on many levels because we're like, well, how should I know? Maybe you've never really thought about it before. You feel it's actually different partners and you're like, it hasn't quite clicked yet. I get that.

And I want to normalize that. A lot of us don't know what we want. We don't know what we want months to months that changes. It can change day to day. It definitely changes over the years what we went, sexually, but really getting comfortable, even communicating in the air of saying, I don't know what I want. A lot of you just said this. You said, communication is the thing that's holding you back. And one of you said, how to communicate what I want with more confidence and less shame. So these are people who kind of know what they

want, but they're like, I just am so afraid of saying it. And another one of you wrote, having to admit that what I want does not allow my partner of 30 years. I hear this a lot too. You've been with your partner for a long time. So long that you feel that, how can I tell them now, all these years or all these months in that,

no, wasn't really working for me. And I understand that challenge too, but really it's about, well, first recognizing it. And then learning how to talk about it a way that it's more collaborative with your partner, rather than blaming them or shaming them, you just didn't know. And another way to frame it is, you know, I thought this is what I liked or I was going along with what I liked, but would you love to join me on a journey of us both figuring out what we both want and bad? It is so liberating. Another thing you said was that's holding you back is you're inhibition. You feel embarrassed to truly let go and express yourself in this actual moment.

And one of you wrote, my inability to orgasm because I feel embarrassed being seen that way. You all feel so much shame because we can't orgasm because I feel embarrassed being seen that way. You all feel so much shame because we can't orgasm. Another one to be wrote, I can't relax. So I fake orgasms. My partner doesn't know I've never had one with them in 13 years. Another one to be wrote, allowing my partner to see me at my most vulnerable. So before I get into some solutions, which I'm going to, I want to say just thank you so much for sharing with me what you're working on

and what your challenges are. And I think this was the best way to help normalize that we're all going through different variations of these struggles when it comes to feeling more confident in the bedroom. That was very helpful and actually brought a lot more range of pain points to my attention. And so I really want to start to focus on these for

future shows. Along these lines I also asked you a second question on Instagram. What is the best thing that helped you become more sexually confident? And a lot of you gave some amazing tips and advice and I'm going to kind of refer to some of these right now as we get into the advice. Let's just first address this, your physical appearance and being and the self-consciousness around that. Here's some of my go-to's. They all involve you being naked and getting comfortable with it, because it is possible. In fact, I think most of us start up from a baseline of not being that comfortable naked for many reasons. Or mostly told, don't be naked in front of anyone. It's shameful, don't love your body,

only be naked if you're married, all the messages. So we don't just like out of the gate, we're like, I'm super comfortable here. So I got that, but we're gonna get you here. So one thing is nude pics. As in taking sexy nude pics of yourself, either for you privately or to share with others. I'm a champion of you taking nude pics of yourself, either for you privately or to share with others. I'm a champion of you taking nude pics,

and it's okay to keep them to yourself, but there's something incredible that happens from actually looking at yourself naked. It can be a turn on, it can help with self acceptance. I don't think that we look like how we think we look. I think that you're also gonna get your see yourself by doing this in a sexy light. So just try it for Volvo and penis owners.

I mean, I even took my own picks this weekend with my partner. We were playing around, I took picks because I was feeling good. He was taking picks of himself and we shared them. It's a trusted partner. And I'm just telling you, it's something like, once you look at yourself, I'm telling you it's going to change how you feel over time. I'm about to take the first time, but it allows you to see like, I am in my pleasure. This feels really good and I'm going to take this matter into my own hands.

And what I love is a lot of you said you were doing this already, which just delights my heart to no end. lingerie. Getting used to seeing yourself with less clothes on. And this is something I talk about getting really comfortable. We call it exposure therapy, but you getting naked in your bedroom, locked the door, maybe even mirroring there and just practicing looking in the mirror, looking at yourself naked, taking a mirror, putting it between your legs also. That's another

level of it. But just the practice of like, I'm going to put on lingerie that I've had or I'm holding onto and I'm going to play my favorite music and I'm going to dance around They get or in lingerie and look at how I can move freely and shed any pre-progum notions of a quote unquote good body like what is that supposed to look like because I think there's something amazing and watching yourself move in Something that makes you feel sexy in real time. And a lot of you said, you're already doing this. One of you said, I wear lingerie and I dance in front of the mirror. Now I get it. This might sound like too much for you. So somebody just walk around naked help. When was the last time you just walked around naked in your house and looked in the mirror?

That is going to help you get comfortable with it when you're with a partner. I mean, think about it. All day long, we're walking around covered up with clothes on. And then we beat ourselves up because like, why should I all of a sudden be comfortable with a partner next to me? If you had some experience walking around naked, finding the angles you like and just feeling good in your body, it would be a lot easier to slide a naked with somebody else. And the other thing about walking around naked is that you normalize. Like this is my body. My body is awesome. That's what it does for you. Okay. Another tip, this is straight for my book, I'm working on at the moment about pleasure. And this is your North stars, find your North stars,

as other creators and social media could be myself. It could be be be fine in TikTok or Instagram, authors, you know, who emulate the kind of sexual confidence that you want and that are getting that positive attention from others, even while not conforming to strict beauty standards. Those are the people I want you to look for. Other people who look like you that are definitely considered hot or you can tell feel hot and feel good in their bodies. So go find those people and internalize the positive attention they're getting because you're just a few steps away from that.

The only difference is that they have practice turning the camera on and embodying it and you're still sort of toying with that but you are almost there. But definitely use these people to inspire you and then go through and delete all the people and all the media and all the information coming in that makes you feel bad. Now this is a pretty embodied exercise. You have to be self-aware enough, which takes practice. You can just mute them for a while and say, this didn't make me feel good today.

So I'm going to mute that. And then you'll find that everything you are getting because if you think about it, we're in a sense wiring our brains. We are programming our brains every kind of stimuli that's coming in. If we think, well, I'm going to curate that. I want to program that so it feels good, find your nor stars and find those inspiration. Okay, so that was all about body image and appearance that I will hope start getting you to a more confident place. The next thing was communication. And something that you'll hear me say a ton on the show is communication is a lubrication. And what I mean about that is talking about your sex life in a normalized, comfortable way helps everyone have a better time in the

bedroom, like I promise you. If you're all talking about sex, it's going to allow you to feel like sex is a lot more accessible and it's something that you can really share with a partner in a healthy way. But if communication is a challenge for you in a partner, I wanna also normalize the fact that it's not just one conversation. Being a healthy communicator takes practice and it takes work.

So like that's the true culture of sex communication is that you have to co-create together. You don't want to be like one way talking, that's a monologue. So some ways you guys can co-create healthy conversations with the partner is to first well listen to this podcast. I mean, check it out together. So many of you told me that you listen to this podcast and it helps you build a vocabulary for your desires. It helps you find the right words to talk about sex with your partner. None of

us were given this. These tools are this information. And then the more granular specific you can go with what you want, whether it's a specific sex act or a vibe you want to try, the better you're going to be able to articulate this with your partner. So like I said, I I know a lot of people listen to sex with Emily, and they play in the background, and they're like, oh, did you see the Emily just said that, you know, couples who communicate at better sex or couples who date night, you know, have much better, healthy communication? So things like that could facilitate these conversations in a lot easier ways so you're not just starting blind. I think the thing about listening to a podcast together is it just less threatening to hear other people say and then you're like, oh,

well, if they are doing that, well, I don't feel so weird about it. It's a great way if your partner says, why are you asking me to do this? Why do you want to talk about sex? Just say, well, I would listen to the sex positive show and it's encouraged me that if we have these conversations, it really could be a game changer and it actually could be really hot. So I want to remind you all that talking about sex and communicating about sex is actually really sexy and hot and a lot of the anxiety and a lot of the worry just melts away. And the next thing you can just let your partner know, like, I am so into you. Here's are all the ways that I love you and I love your sex life. But would you mind helping me figure out what I'm so into you. Here's are all the ways that I love you and I love your sex life, but would you mind helping me figure out

what I'm super into? And this speaks to those of you who said, I have no idea what I want. I don't know what I want in bed. I don't have to express it to a partner. This is what helps you by asking for help and saying, you know, I just had never had a sex talk with a partner and I want you to help me.

I would love to do this together. Now you have to expect pushback too. Because remember a lot of people have never ever talked about sex before so your partner might hear it as a criticism. If you could explain to them that you view this as part of your growth as a couple and how important it is to you and that you'd love to help provide them as much pleasure as possible too,

you're gonna see them come around. So the point I can know here, it's a culture, not a one-time conversation. Like I said, you're going to keep having little talks like this over and over and over and I promise you you will make progress. So it's going to feel better over time, so these conversations are more normalized. Okay, so the final thing is you guys talked about your inhibitions. You said like the fact that you feel self conscious about letting go and bad and expressing yourself freely like moaning and moving your body and talking dirty and like all of it.

That was a comfortable. Until you feel super completely comfortable with a partner, it's really hard to let go. And then even when you do a trusting partner, there might be some latent shame with expressing yourself. I mean, one of you wrote me to say that you were worried you you'd look at yourself differently the next day after trying something newer, risque. So for this one, I think the tips above are going to help, like finding other people doing it, creating a culture of sex communication. But I also want an amazing, incredible hack that I want to share with you. So you can get used to seeing yourself completely immersed in pleasure.

The next time you masturbate, I want you to take your phone and flip it on you and I want you to watch yourself masturbating. Film it. See what it looks like to actually touch yourself. See how it looks to be in ecstasy. What does it look like when you're aroused? Is your approaching orgasm? What's happening in your body?

What's happening in your face? Dom. What's happening in your body? What's happening in your face? Do you remember what's happening in your thoughts? And I promise you, this tip is going to go a long way in dissolving shame around your sexual expression. You know, a lot of us keep this part of us tucked away because we do have shame around it. We're like, I don't like my opays, I don't like how I look when I'm masturbating, I don't want to even capture myself being sexual, but I really feel that once you see yourself actually do this and finish and completely immersed in sexual pleasure, you're going to see, oh, that's not bad. And in fact, I look really hot, which I know is kind of meta because then you can like film yourself masturbating and watch yourself masturbating which is going to be like a huge

freaking turn on. So I really hope that some of these tips help you cultivate an authentic sexual confidence. And a lot of this takes place outside the bedroom which is totally cool. It's not just like in the bedroom you're going to be confident you got to practice confidence elsewhere. So one thing I had a lot of you write in and tell me that you love your body, but you love it as a verb. You move it. You exercise it.

You master it. You hydrate your body. You feel so many wonderful things. So I think that's just another great tip for cultivating sexual confidence outside the bedroom to love on your body with actions rather than making it all about the mirror.

So, those are some tips to get you kind of centered on sexual confidence and self-worth in the bedroom or to take a quick break. And after this, I'm going and Lakewood, Colorado. I'm 44. My girlfriend doesn't think that she's attractive enough and she thought that's why her libido is kind of low. She doesn't feel really attractive. I think she's amazing and I'm ready to count on her any chance she gives me. So I try to tell her how beautiful she is. I try to touch her and be slow and take my time and let her know how gorgeous she is and how wonderful she is to me. But she tends to get nervous and want to rush through sex or doesn't want to have sex at all, and she says, because she doesn't think she's beautiful enough.

I know she has to convince herself of that, but I just would like to help her. I wanted to know that I don't see her that way. I see her as absolutely amazing. And any work she wants to do for herself, I encourage you to have self-compassion and not be so critical of herself. Anyways, my question is, how can I be a loving supportive mate for her? I appreciate your podcast. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Andy, let me say this. First off, thank you so much for leaving your question. Compliments can be very difficult, especially if she's not feeling good in her own skin. You want to value her opinion and her perspective around this. You just want to make like flip it comments, you know, like, oh, babe, but I think you're so beautiful. Cause that can come across as really dismissive. You know, you're not there to fix your partner. I think many of us fall into that category of like, I'm

going to fix them. I love them so much. I'm going to make them feel better. There's self esteem and their confidence is going to come from them doing things that make them selves feel better, and then engaging activities that help build their confidence. And so if they're relying on an external source for their happiness, that means that their self-esteem is based on the opinions of others, which is really like shaky ground, which is why we have to continually in life find things that we can do that we feel adept at, that we can feel successful at. It is a process also like helping someone build

their stuff, it seems just from your words, which obviously like you should still tell your partner all the things that you love about them. But it really is a job, an inside job, something that we have to work on with affirmations and flipping our script and the messages that we tell ourselves to be a little bit more accurate and positive. It can also help to do activities together that would build confidence.

Maybe it's doing stuff that she loves and she can kind of show you areas that she thrives in. And sort of, you know, when you guys are taking class together, you're working out or you will work out goal. You know, where there's like a 360 holistic connection that's not just involving activities in the bedroom. And you could also help her think of a new perspective around her body and her appearance. You can help her, you can facilitate it, but you're not going to be the one who's actually making that change, which can be interesting distinction. And I know that it's really hard to be in a loving

relationship with someone that you love, but they are not loving on themselves. They're just constantly like berating themselves and hating themselves. And it can be really, really painful. So mindfulness is important. And it sounds like you're there constantly practicing being in the present moment, meditation helps with this breathing helps with it. Because remember, when we are present in the moment, we can't possibly be anxiously worrying about what's going to happen in the future or regretting enough shame about the past, we can't possibly be anxiously worrying about what's going to happen in the future or regretting and ashamed about the past.

We are present. So the more we can bring ourselves back to the moment and that authentic connection to a partner, the more likely we are to start to build that confidence in self-esteem and self-worth over time. All right, everybody. I hope you're taking notes of that. It's a practice, but a really important one. Hi, Dr. Emily.

My name is Ruth and I'm in California. I have a question for you around building confidence and understanding what it is that I truly want from sex and intimacy. I am 29 and a female. I have not had an intimate relationship with anybody. Casual sex has not been a great experience and that boundaries weren't really respected and different religious things or communities that I grew up

and sort of kept me from exploring. But I've also recently been involved with FET life and realized how can-key and erotic my fantasies are. So now I'm torn between the life that I've lived for 29 years and not having facts really to like being interested in some really kinky things and just how to go about, you know, do I start hooking up? Do I wait for relationships? Do I look for a relationship in this community

instead of what I thought I wanted and those sorts of things. So if you have any advice on how to navigate clarity around the sexual relationships I'm looking for, that would be great. Thanks so much. All right, Ruth. So I just want to normalize the fact that you're on this journey, you're 29 years old, and I love that you've actually been doing the work to figure out what you do like.

You tried some casual sex, you joined that life, which is a great community for people looking for alternative sexual experiences and lifestyles. And you realize like, wow, I've got some kinky and erotic fantasies, which is fantastic. So you don't know even what kind of fantasy is turned on and now you know. So as far as your practical questions about the next steps, like, now what? Now I know, what do I do? I say you're already built into this natural community of fat life, and there's probably other ones in your area. A lot of people like field, F-E-E-L-D, which is another app that can kind of help you sort of find people

who might be looking for alternative kinds of relationships and who might looking for play parties in your area. And see like, do you find someone you're aligned with that also aligns your kinky fantasies, and then maybe you will find a relationship from there. But I think the like, should I be with a partner, or should I be with community? And this goes for all of you to try and define it exactly like I know I'm always saying get clear and what kind of person you want to date but what I mean by that is how do they treat you? What do you do on the weekends? What are their values? Do you share them? What's your sex life like? Like that's a little bit different than the part about like is it a relationship? Is it not? I

think when you find your people, when you find your person, you're going to know what to do next. So let's just focus on what kind of traits and values and experiences and personality types that you jive with the best. And then go to seek those partners, practice being really open and communicative about what kind of kinks you're into and what your fantasy life looks like, and then you'll be able to like pair down and then hone in on what kind of people you might want to date or be with. So I think that it's just taking time to figure out what you do want. And then the answers will indeed

evolve and how to execute a this kind of relationship. You know, you might find a relationship. I hope that if it feels all of the need someone who supports your boundaries, you know, they're into kinky hot, consensual sex. I want you to have all of that. And I think you're going to find it now that you've even gotten even more clear on what you're into. But there's a lot of different ways to have sex, to be in relationship, but the more we can kind of do research, be involved in different communities,

and then actually like, sit down and write about it, or journal, just like what belt writes to me about everything I've learned, we gotta keep refining and honing, and just getting clear, getting clear, getting clear. And then that's how you're going to attract that person to you, and also know to have find that person when you're out there. So you can weed out the people that aren't right and just move towards

other people that are right for you. All right. Thanks for your question. I really appreciate it, Ruth. I love the work you're doing. I so appreciate it. This is from Elena, 21 in New York. How do Dr. Emily? I'm having a bit of a dilemma regarding sexual insecurity. I came into college having never had a boyfriend or a much sexual experience and early into college, I got having a bit of a dilemma regarding sexual insecurity. I came into college having never had a boyfriend or much sexual experience and early into college I got into a relationship. Well, I was no way pressured by the guy about sex.

I thought I was too old to be a virgin, I was 18, and we were quickly sexually active. We had sex a few times, none of which were particularly enjoyable for me and then he broke up with me. After the breakup, he was vocal with our mutual friends about how unfun I was actually and how the new girls who is with were much freakier. While I know this isn't an uncommon experience, it affects me more than I cared to admit and I slowly retreated from sex with the pandemic really solidifying this. Now at age 21 I've never been with anyone else. I've recently been trying to get out there more and have been active on daily gaps and going on dates. And while I'm very confident about my appearance and know I'm a catch, I'm super insecure

about my sexual abilities. Through a lot of experience with my own body, I have a pretty good idea of what I like, but I want it to be a fun experience with a guy and don't want to be deemed boring. I also don't want my lack of experience to be a parent or be an issue at the moment. Any tips for feeling more confident sexually for a very little experience and for your drought or resources to learn from stuff and feel a little more skilled thanks after Emily I love the pod. All right Elena thank you so much for this question and oh god this is so relatable. I mean anyone else go to college at 18 and feel like oh my god at 18 I've never had sex before I

should just go have sex and figure it out. I mean how are you supposed to know? How you just know what you like and what you're into? And I am sorry that you got to disparaging comment from a guy that you dated because that can really set you back into clearly how set you back. I mean, how many of us can relate to that one comment about someone saying like, you're a bad kisser or your body's not my type or even hearing a rumor. talked about you this can just be so Devastating but what we can do you know that's you know Would you feel the feels it sounds like you you have and for a lot of us We just have to let that go and replace it with some really mindful work about feeling good in our bodies

Now you know that I love our bodies. Now, you know that I love masturbation because masturbation really helps you feel in control and feel confident about what your body needs, what you're into, what turns you on, and you can communicate that with a partner. And that also helps to keep your sexual energy flowing. So again, you feel ready to go with any action that might come your way, but you also move through the world with this energy in your body like I am sexually satisfied in my body and feeling good. I love positive affirmations. I actually do them every morning and that can really just trick our minds like knowing that we're

freaking hot. We are fierce. Some examples can be is the more I accept the way I look and I love the more I will love myself. You know, the more self love I give, I will become more loving and more lovable. I am a sexual being, deserving of pleasure. You know, honestly, you guys, if you, if you are somebody who has played with negative self-talk, if you just put it on your notes and your phone and you listen to some apps, I think it's really fun to wake up in the morning

and like recite these affirmations. That's really helpful. You could also move these into the mirror work I talked about. Also like the more you actually look at your body, the more you're gonna grow to accept it. It's gonna just become more normalized and a little more relaxing for you to look at yourself. And I don't care. You could be naked. You'd be clothed, but take time to like admire yourself and watch the

may you watch the way you move through the world and how you look could really help ground you and also help you get a little bit more confidence in this area. This whole notion that a lot of you have about experience like well, my partner is way more experienced than I do. First, I'm telling you, someone could have sex with a lot more people than you have. It doesn't mean that they're necessarily like a good lover or an intent of lover. You could have sex with so many people, but it doesn't mean that you know how to be present, how to communicate, how to be a conscious lover and how to be a mindful lover. In fact, to me, that is a really rare skill set. And so every time you are with a new lover, you have the opportunity to start again, to connect with them, to pay attention, what are they into, what turns them on, to have healthy

conversations. So I can just guarantee here too and also to our email, Elena and everyone listening, like no one is sitting there comparing you. I know you had a really bad experience in your A-Team, but as adults now and as you've matured, I think you're going to find more lovers who are really excited to connect with you in the moment and figure out how you can co-create a really hot sexual experience. Now why don't you try to release this old story about what this guy said and did and replace it with a new narrative that you'd like to hear. I am a beautiful lover accepting of great pleasure. I give and receive love easily. Wherever those things might be, to continually say those, work on yourself and show up as a present, conscious lover for what's next.

So you're asking for resources to learn some stuff about it as well. And I think that these are some resources here that we've provided. We also have a great show that we did called First Date, First, Organzant First 3, some which we'll put in the show notes, which can also kind of give you some perspective. I'm like, we're all in this together.

A lot of us worry about all these firsts that we got to come out shining and know what we're doing. And, you know, I mean, we just don't, but I give you tips for this as well in that episode. So when you're with a new partner, it's also great to communicate how you're feeling. Like, I'm feeling a little rusty.

I haven't done this in a while, but I'm so turned on. I've been spending a lot of time on myself, pleasing myself, but, you know, just kind of saying it. So you don't have to worry about it too. Cause I'm telling you, you have one partner that's negative. Most of us don't have like 15 partners, who said shitty things to us. Usually it does one. partner that's negative. Most of us don't have like 15 partners who said shitty things to us.

Usually it does one. So that's the good part. Most partners that you choose are going to be loving supportive partners who want the best for you truly, and they're going to get off on your pleasure. So that's the kind of partners we're all looking for. And remember, if you're partner or anybody you're with

says something that makes you feel bad, you get to number one, choose that you're not going to internalize it, that's their story, it's about their own things, and number two decide that you're not going to be with this person anymore, and you're not going to surround yourself with these kind of people. Period of story. So I don't want you to go through that again. I don't want any of you to go through that again. So be aware of what people you're with, are they making you feel supported, are they kind,

are they loving, are they accepting you where you're at and do you feel safe to explore and go a little bit deeper. That's what I want for you, all of you. All of you. That's it for today's episode, see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review

wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemly. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemleic.com