Sex With Emily - 5 Sex Myths That Are Ruining Your Love Life

Episode Date: May 23, 2025

In this episode of the Sex with Emily podcast, Dr. Emily debunks five pervasive sex myths that may be holding you back from experiencing your best intimate life. From the "body count" obsession to orgasm pressure, we explore why these common beliefs are not only wrong but potentially harmful to your sexual confidence and relationships. We dive deep into why the number of sexual partners doesn't determine your skill as a lover, the truth about natural lubrication and arousal, and how focusing solely on orgasms can actually prevent you from having them. Dr. Emily also addresses vibrator myths, explaining why sex toys enhance rather than replace intimacy, and breaks down outdated beliefs about anal play that keep people from exploring new dimensions of pleasure. Featuring listener questions from Francesca, Josh, Taylor, Melissa, and Nicole, this episode provides practical advice for navigating sexual insecurities, communication with partners, and expanding your intimate repertoire. Whether you're dealing with dryness, struggling to reach climax, or curious about introducing new elements to your sex life, this episode offers science-backed insights and compassionate guidance. Show Notes: 00:00:00 - The Body Count Myth 08:00:00 - Quality vs. Quantity in Sexual Experience 11:30:00 - The Lube Myth & Natural Lubrication 17:25:00 - Orgasm Pressure & Pleasure Focus 23:17:00 - Vibrator Addiction Myths 29:57:00 - Anal Play Misconceptions 33:02:00 - Listener Q&A: Building Sexual Confidence This episode emphasizes that great sex is about communication, presence, and understanding your own body—not conforming to arbitrary standards or myths that create unnecessary pressure and shame.

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one by one because the truth is a lot of these outdated ideas are getting in the way of real connection real pleasure and real confidence So it's time to clear the confusion and set the record straight So here's a few of the myths we're busting today. Your number defines your skills in bed So how many people you sub with will define number defines your skills in bed so how many people you stop with will define how great you are in bed. Great sex should be effortless and just happen like that. If someone masturbates it means that there's something wrong in your relationship. Men always want more sex than women.

Orgasms are the goal of sex. Spoiler, but not the only one. So whether you believe these for years or just want to learn how to spot the BS, this episode is a reality check and a permission slip to rewrite your beliefs around sex. Because better sex doesn't start with someone else. It starts with better information. Let's get into it. Here's the myth, ready? The number of people you've slept with determines how good a lover you are. If you're thinking, oh yeah, that's definitely true. If I've slept with 10 people and I partner stuff with one, that makes me a 10 times better

lover. Or, you know, a lot of us assume that the more we do it like the more you go to the gym you know you the more reps you do you're stronger you're a stronger athlete right the more countries you visit then you're a seasoned traveler and the more you stop with then you're much better at sex I'm gonna say this is a myth you don't have to have slept with a lot of people to be good at sex. In fact, there is no good at sex. There's no... you don't derive to a place where you're good at sex.

So we call this the body count. The body count. It's kind of grim. If you think about it anyway, just having it branded as the body count, it's like the number of people you've killed. But really it's the number who you slept with. Your body count, the reality is, does not determine the quality of your love making, of how good of a lover you are. Every time we have sex with someone new, it's a new experience. You might have sex with someone I've slept with and you two would have your totally different sexual experience because it's the two of you. It's not me and this person. It doesn't transfer. Sex is like cooking, right? You're together and it's the ingredients of both of you that make the sex you're having with each other. So if you're

focused on your partner in the moment, meaning that you pay attention, you know, so much of what we say during sex has nothing to do with verbal. It's our body language. Are they moving towards you or are they moving away? Is their breath quickening? Their breath is quickening, then we know that they're aroused. And so for me, it's more about the quality sex you've had than quantity. Maybe you've been with one person but for a long long time. And in that long term relationship, you got to understand to those bodies, you learn how to communicate, you learn to ask for what you want. That's what makes a really great lover.

It's relationships that you've you've actually been able to communicate about your needs, you've had to adjust and adapt and learn to satisfy someone who might have liked something that was outside of your comfort zone. Because those skills are adaptable. Like being a good listener, being someone who's a active listener, being someone who can change their behavior over time, being someone who knows how to satisfy a partner in more ways than one, not just the bedroom. So remember, every time you're with a new partner, the reality is it's an opportunity to learn

and to be a good lover. So how about that? Your numbers don't mean anything. And let me say this about the number, the body count obsession. Eventually you will get to a point where people stop asking you this, I hope. But I get why you answer.

I mean, I understand. You're like, how could I not answer the number of people I've slept with? But every time your partner is asking this, I get why you answer. I mean, I understand. You're like, how could I not answer the number of people I've slept with? But every time your partner is asking this, remember, they're asking to gather information, they want to gather data about who you are. They're going to use it to define you and to judge you. When I'm telling you it doesn't mean anything.

So if you slept with too few, that means you're not going to be a good lover. You're less experienced. Too many. Well, then you've been out there too much. You're you know, you're a player, you're a slut, and there's all these judgments that are made and I'm telling you it does not mean anything. It doesn't mean that you simply had sex or you didn't have sex. So what you could say is, oh, you know what? Right now I am just focused on sex we're having. I love to live in the present. Let's talk about the sex we're having because it's incredible. Not someone's talking about the past. Let's live in the future. I mean think

about ways you can answer that. You can also say I'm really someone who's into the present. Like I would because what I will point back out if someone says to me how do you how many you slept how many people you slept with I want to say like I'm thinking to myself couldn't you be asking me something way more interesting right now? Like how about what kind of sex do I like? Or how about what's my idea of an incredible kiss? Or what makes great foreplay? What's my number one fantasy?

What do I like to do on a long Saturday? You know, what do I like to do on a long weekend? Like, those are really good questions. But the body count question just leads us nowhere fast. Here's a related myth under the body count umbrella is having a lot of sex can cause vulva owners to stretch. Like if I've slept with so many people, if I've been penetrated that many times, my vagina is going to get looser and looser.

Not true. So the reality is there's a few times in your life, the childbirth, after you have a child, yes, your muscles will become weaker and you build them up over time, you know, doing Kegel exercises. And that's really when that would happen. If you pass a human out of your vagina, it's going to change. But it's not like a permanent stretch. It doesn't mean it's not going to go back.

And that's why we talk a lot about strengthening your pelvic floor and doing Kegels. And there's other things you can do. But basically your number count. If you're keeping your numbers down because you don't want your vagina to stretch, you're missing out on a lot of fun and a lot of pleasure. Okay, this is from Francesca, 27 in New York City. My name is Francesca, I'm a 27 year old hetero woman

and I started having sex at age 26. First and foremost, I'm enjoying it. However, oftentimes I feel this, I have this feeling of not knowing what the common knowledge about sex is. I knew I started having sex lately with a lot of my peers and I try to validate myself and my reasons for doing that. At the same time, I just don't know what I don't know. I don't have an understanding of what are the similarities my most men find pleasurable

versus what's unique to each guy. In other words, how much of what you learn from one partner is transferable to another. So I worry so much about being boring or vanilla or painful if I apply too much pressure. The three partners I've been with have been very kind and reminded me that I should be more focused on myself and what I like than trying to predict what they want. But even so, I have these insecurities and feel that being more informed would help me be more confident. How can I know if I'm a good and what I like than trying to predict what they want. But even so, I have these insecurities and feel that being more informed would help me be more confident.

How can I know if I'm a good lover universally? All right, that's a good question, Francesca. So here's the thing. First off, sounds like you're with some really like attentive lovers, some really knowledgeable lovers who are saying, I want you to focus on your pleasure. I want you to focus on what feels good to you because that's what's gonna make you a great lover to all.

And I would say that for all genders. And I would say that a lot of vulva owners get caught up wanting to be a good lover and they're so in the moment that every time they have sex, they're thinking about what they can do to their partner. How do I give a better blow job? How do I handle their balls better? How do I do something different so this partner will think I am the greatest lover? That's another myth. That kind

of falls under this myth. This is a myth under the myth of body counts are going to teach you how to be a great lover. But Francesca, what makes you a great lover is when you know your body. How do you move during sex that makes you feel good? Pay attention to that. Do I like the slow kisses? Do I like when he kisses me a little more intensely? Do I like soft touch to my, do I like when he softly touches my vulva, my clitoris? Do I like when he goes faster? What kind of touch feels good?

Does the pace of sex work for me? Sometimes it goes really fast and sometimes it goes slow and I actually like when there's slow anticipation. I like that the partners who take time to address me, oh, I like the partners who compliment me and tell me how sexy I look, you know? These are the things you gotta focus on because then that's gonna help you feel more confident

in your body. And a confident woman in bed, a confident vulva owner in bed who knows how to move and knows how to ask what she wants and how to breathe and how to calibrate. That makes you a really great lover because then you're not going to have to worry. Your partner's going to be so plugged

into your authentic pleasure that you're going to know what to do with their penis. Now, you probably have learned the basics. Let me back up. You won't know what to do with every penis, but there's an intuitive knowing when you are in your body and you are living your most authentic sexual self that I'm sure you've had sex with three people.

So it's not going to be like a surprise. Like the penis will be coming out of the ear, you know? The penis is between the legs. And what I've found is that most peens is like what most vulvas like. They like it to be wet. So you always should have some lube on the nightstand. Lube is so helpful.

And they want a script, a soft grip. Or a hard grip. I mean, they want a grip, not a soft grip, but they want a grip, but not too tight, not too hard. No teeth doesn't feel great to everybody. And they want like steady pressure and arousal and touch. And so what I'm saying is how you're learning is by experience, which is great.

And listening to this podcast, this podcast has found many of the great lovers because they know how to communicate, you know, how to masturbate. masturbate, and they know that there's a lot they don't know. I'm still learning all the time too. You know what is to transfer? What's transfer is the process of discovery, the process of learning what your partner likes. And once you become a skill like more mindful and in touch, and you can learn in just a few minutes or one session with a partner what they actually like. So. And it all goes back to paying attention and being mindful. But I would say the less you worry about what to do and if you're boring over nil and the more you plan your the more you focus on your own self, the better and yeah, it does sound like your partners

will probably tell you too, if it's painful, if it doesn't feel good, you know, they'll let you know in the moment. So just because you've slept with three people, Francesca, doesn't mean that you are ill-equipped for sex. You have the tools you need with three lovers on your belt, with some really kind lovers who told you to focus on yourself,

it sounds like they've been healthy experiences. And so I think that it's great that you waited. You don't have to worry about it. You have to justify it to anyone or explain it to anyone. But now you have three lovers and then you can see now that the hope is clear to you that the number of people you stuck with is not going to really teach you that much more. So you pretty much learned what you need to know. And now you get to focus on yourself and healthy communication with your partner.

It's okay to ask for, does this feel good? Does this not feel good? I mean, I love talking about sex. In the moment, you can make an agreement that if something hurts or you want something specific from your partner, they can tell you. And then also talk about sex after. Go to dinner after. Talk about it. What was great? What worked? What didn't work?

So that's, you know, healthy communication and listening to sex positive podcasts like this one, reading sex positive books. We have some great, you know, on our website, we have a great blog with some books that might help you. But you're doing all the right things, Francesca. And I'm all for it. All right. The second myth, you don't need lube if you're already aroused or turned on. All right. Oh, this is also related to the myth of you shouldn't eat lube if you're already aroused or turned on. All right. Oh, this is also related to the myth of you shouldn't need lube if you're aroused. Spit is just as good as lube. You only need lube during penetration.

Lube is just for older people who have dryness problems. All right. Here's the reality. The reality is lube can make it easier to orgasm. Lube makes sex better. Lube makes sex better no matter what your body part. There's a study from Indiana University Center for Sexual Health found that lube makes it 50% easier for both genders to orgasm. And I've even read a study that say if you use lube 80% of well-being owners are

more likely to orgasm. This is why my dream, my dream is a lube on every nightstand. Get a lube on your nightstand. Remember, wetness is not an indicator of arousal. You can be, you can be dry and really turned on. And you can be super turned on and not wet at all. And it's confusing. Sometimes you're wet, sometimes you're wet, and it doesn't last that long. Like you're wet for a minute and then sex starts happening intercourse,

any kind of sex touching, you're not wet anymore. And so your wetness can be affected by so many things. You might be wet certain times a month, your menstrual cycle affects your, you know, how wet you are, you know, the certain medications like the birth control pill, ironically, you know, antidepressants, your age can impact it, but there's no way that it means that, you know, how stressed you are, your health status, how would you, how healthy you are. So I just want to say that lube is just a game changer for sex. I will not do any kind of sex without it. You probably talk about this, but I think that there's still this notion that lube is this dirty little secret you got to keep under the bed and you better

drag out the lube. You know, there's a problem. I think a lot of penis owners feel offended if their partners aren't turned on or aren't wet and they assume something's wrong with me or my penis or something's wrong with my partner. Listen, if you're human, you probably do one or two things in a situation like this. You either blame others or you blame yourself. Which camp are you in? For all your problems, actually. But especially this one with lube, you probably, you know, you probably

might assume something's wrong with you. So lube is great. Actually, lube is great, especially during oral sex. That's why I love flavored lube. Have a flavored lube on your nightstand as well. Get a big nightstand, people. You're gonna need a lot of different lubs. But really, just one lube is fine for everything. However, I do love flavored lube on your nightstand as well. Get a big nightstand people, you're gonna need a lot of different lubes. But really just one lube is fine for everything.

However, I do love flavored lube. Like system Joe makes incredible lube that I just eat for dessert. This is from Josh 38, New Jersey. Hey Dr. Emily, my wife and I have been together for four years and got married quickly. We have a one year old and sex is great when we have it, but the issue is that my wife is very dry and it hurts her. We tried Lou but can't find a good one that

helps. I end up feeling bad and try to make it end quickly because I don't want to cause her pain. I don't know when it started for her but ever since we've been together she's been dry during sex. We talk about it not sure what to do. Alright well this is Josh. Oh I'm so glad you sent in this email. This is perfect because I'm gonna help you here first. Well, maybe I've already helped you. Do you understand that it'd be great for your wife to go to a doctor and to look at like what medications

she's taking. Do any of those medications cause dryness? She took allergy medication. Okay, any depressants, birth control. There's a lot of things that it could be. Now lube is great to use all kinds of lube. Silicon lube lasts a little bit longer than water-based lube. Foria makes an excellent coconut oil lube.

It's coconut oil, also lasts a while, and has CBD, and it can help with pain. Foria's sex oil could be great for you here, especially if there's pain. She could also get her hormones checked because loss of estrogen can happen after childbirth and this is when a lot of women have pain. She could be starting perimenopause. But you're saying she's been dry during sex ever since you've been together. Was she ever does she remember a time in her in her 20s when she was more wet? What happened when she masturbates?

Does she masturbate? Does she get aroused? Does she have orgasms? Does she have the other kind of pleasure? So there's a lot to explore here. So let's get into like talking about your sex life with her. What are her turn ons? When do you get the most kind of pleasure. So there's a lot to explore here. So let's get into like talking about your sex life with her. What are her turn-ons?

When does she feel most aroused? How about when you go down in her? Does that make her feel good? So sure. She genuinely might not. Uh, we don't know if she's having pleasure. What I'm saying is, uh, if it it hurts her, you need to stop and figure out how she's not dry.

Because also remember when you're too dry and you've sucked that lube, you tear. There's tears. And then that could also cause STD. You can, you know, transfer an STI, transfer an infection. So get a hormone check, have her go to a doctor, and let's find out what does feel good to her, what her turn-ons are. All right, because that's just going to help with everything. She's knowing that she actually wants to have sex and it can feel good to her. And remember, a lot of pleasure for a vulva owner doesn't necessarily have to do with penetration.

So if it's painful for you to penetrate her, you could also tease her nipples. Nipplegasms are a thing. Play with her inner thighs. Go down on her, you know, just her clitoris without ex internal stimulation. So have some fun figuring this out with her, Josh. Okay. Take your time, figure it out, ask some questions, and let me know how it goes. Myth number three. Sex isn't good if you don't have an orgasm, which is obviously the goal of sex. The reality? Orgasms are extremely pleasurable. They are. Love them, but they are not the only measure of a successful sex session. Some other related myths to this, all orgasms feel the same.

Orgasms are always achieved through penetration. That an orgasm just signifies the end of successful sex. Listen, pleasure and orgasm are not the same thing. Orgasm can happen, and orgasm is extremely pleasurable. But pleasure, pleasure is about the journey. Pleasure is the journey along the path. Pleasure is connection and touch and intimacy. And sometimes when we focus so much on wanting to orgasm,

we miss out on fully experiencing pleasure with our partners. We really do. And remember the goal of sex is about connection and learning and figuring out your partner. And for some couples, I think they confuse penetration. They confuse sex with, but every time they use the word sex,

they think we're talking about penetration. And it is true that sex and orgasm are sort of synonymous that we think if you had an orgasm, you had sex. If you had sex, you must have had an orgasm. But that's because again, we define sex as PV sex, penis goes into vagina. And the focus is around the male's orgasm. Just remember that being focused on orgasm is not necessarily a problem. Like I think it just that what I've seen it more so than not is it becomes a problem.

It becomes a problem when we only focus on orgasm and we define sex by orgasm. And I'm telling you, you can have, if you never have orgasms, that's a problem. If you're like, no, I never ever have orgasms. Well, then I'd want to know like how much have you tried to have an orgasm because you want it to be possible. Right. But there's something amazing that happens. And you're like, I'm just going to focus on the pleasure right now. I'm going to focus on how it feels with my partner's hands on my body. I'm going to focus on how it feels with my partner's hands and my body. I'm going to focus on how it feels to make out with my partner, how it feels to see him naked, how it feels,

all these different things. And you'll find that when you turn your attention away from obsessing about orgasm, you are more likely to have an orgasm. And you're more likely to focus on sensations and to understand what actually feels good. And you're more likely to be present. A lot of us disassociate during sex.

We're focused on something that happened in the past, something that's not happening in the moment. We're focused on what our partners want. And the last thing we're focusing on is our own body and our own pleasure. So there you go. Take orgasm off the table or the focus of orgasm and focus on the pleasure, okay?

Here's the email question from Taylor 33 in California. Dr. Emily, I'm not sure if I've ever had an orgasm and it seems impossible to do so. I've listened to your show for a while and tried a lot of things you discuss. My partner's patient and has also tried to work with me. We've spent hours on this. I get close, but then I seem to lose it.

Or maybe I do reach climax. It just doesn't feel fulfilling. I require a lot of stimulation and a lot of pressure. But then it's almost like everything just goes numb and my body turns off. I'm not sure what to do next or where to go. I feel like I'm just incapable of orgasm. Okay, Taylor, if you probably aren't sure that you have

a head orgasm, maybe you have it. And your partner is trying to work with you. Have you tried to work with it? Have you tried on your own to work on having an orgasm? And you're saying that you require a lot of stimulation and pressure. A lot of us require a lot of stimulation and pressure. And when you say that your body's going numb,

it goes numb and your body turns off, is that because you're just focusing on your pressure, focusing on the stimulation in the moment? I would say you're not incapable of orgasm. I would say you're pre-orgasmic, which means you haven't gotten there yet. And it sounds like I love that you're working on it with your partner, but sometimes we need to figure out on our own without a partner.

So I encourage you to take some time alone, masturbate, take a bath, take a shower, figure out your own body and what feels good. Spend 10 minutes a day or three times a week for an hour exploring the mirror between your legs and using some lube and saying what feels good to me. Maybe it's a lot of stimulation and pressure. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's slow touch. Only you are going to be able to figure that out. So what I'm hearing is your partner's patient,

but are you patient? Are you patient with yourself? Are you patient that takes time? You know, some women have orgasms a lot easier. It has to do with their, literally the way they were born, their anatomy, how close their clitoris is to their vaginal opening. It's literally how you're born. Like you have long legs, you have shorter legs, you have your clitoris is closer to your vaginal opening, it's all the same.

So that's why those people have it. But for you, for people who don't, we get more in our heads and is it gonna happen? Is it not gonna happen? And so I need you to focus, go mindful, focus more on your own body and your own orgasm and practice on your own. Or tell your partner you need more time to slow

because I don't like that you are going numb. That means maybe your body's turning off, sounds disassociating, that you're just focusing so hard on one thing. But there's a process of letting go and more mindful. We're just letting go to what we're feeling in the moment. We're paying attention to our senses. What does it feel like with my partner's finger

on my clitoris? I'm hearing my breath. I'm smelling this candle and it smells really good. And I focus yourself in the moment with a mindful practice. You'll get there. I promise you, you're not incapable of orgasm. You got this, Taylor. Number four, the myth is you can become addicted

to using a vibrator. Other people say a the myth is you can become addicted to using a vibrator. Other people say a related myth is it can cause your body to become desensitized to stimulation. You'll no longer move your orgasm without using one. And no, the reality is vibrators can bring you a whole lot of pleasure. There's something called an orgasm gap and a lot of vulva owners are unable to orgasm in general, especially with their penis having partners who orgasm a lot quicker than they do. And toys help you explore your body. They can help you orgasms. They can help you explore your body and find other pleasure parts that feel good. There were

so many erogenous zones in our body that, you know, our hands just won't get to, right? They won't be able to reach those areas. Now, to address this addiction part, sure, if you keep orgasming the same way with a vibrator every time in the same position, yeah, I would say that you're more, you're not addicted. Your body has become used to a pattern that you repeat every time you want to orgasm. to a pattern that you repeat every time you want to orgasm. You go into pleasure yourself and you repeat a pattern. You know, we're all creatures of habit, right? Like I have a pattern every time I, you know, come home, open the door, put my keys in the bowl,

walk in the house, walk the dog. Like we get into patterns. We don't even think about it. We brush our teeth is the same. We do that with masturbation. So I would say if you're worrying about this though, just bring in your hand and start masturbating with your hands and every other time work in your hands.

But I don't think that there's, it's not like a lesser of an orgasm if you use a vibrator. Doesn't make it a bad orgasm. It doesn't make a different orgasm. And vibrators are good for us too. Remember, the sex we get sex, the more orgasms we have, the more orgasms we're going to want. And for many of us, it's easier, it's efficient, we can explore our bodies, we know we're going to have an orgasm. And vibrators aren't just for solo play. In fact, partners can benefit from it. So there was a

study that actually came out. Our friend Justin Lehmiller did a study and he said 71% of couples said that vibrators improve their sex life. And I love this study. You can check out more in a podcast I do with him where he talks about a lot of these myths and a lot of studies that have shown a lot of what we believe about sex is untrue. It's called Kinking Casual Sex with Justin Laymiller. But these people all got, these couples all got vibrators to use for two weeks. They had to use it every time they text

for two, three weeks. And guess what? After that point, they all wanted to use a vibrator all the time. They're like, we love this vibrator. Remember, vibrators are great for penis owners as well. They feel incredible on the shaft, the balls, all over. It means a vibration. Vibrations feel good all over our body. Like our head feels good vibrated, scratched, touched. So I would just, yeah. So the reality is vibrators are part of a healthy sex life. All right. I have an email from Alyssa 30 in Chicago. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm using a rabbit vibrator and when I'm orgasming, it's almost a paralyzing feeling and it's so, so intense, but I never had that feeling when having sex with my husband.

Is this a different type of orgasm? What's this feeling? Is this normal? I'm very new to self pleasure. All right, well, okay, so the orgasm that you have with a vibrator sometimes is different than the orgasm you're going to have with a penis. It's different than an orgasm you're going to have with your hand. And there's lots of different ways to orgasm.

So you're talking about a rapid vibrator, which is a dual stimulation vibrator, which means part of it goes inside of you and then part of it is stimulating your clitoris externally. And then there's an internal part. And so that means that all of those nerve endings are being stimulated at once, which, you know, think about like a, think about a massage. Like you could get a massage with one masseuse, but you could have one masseuse massaging your back

and another one's massaging your feet. And maybe there's a third massaging your head. I feel pretty good. Well, think about it that way. So your rabbit vibrator is hitting all the right spots, it's vibrating, and it's all happening at the same time. It's great, it's intense, I love it. Have you had your husband hold the vibrator so he could see this kind of incredible orgasm you have. That's really hot too. I think that we think that if we tell our partners about our vibrators, or maybe we have told them that they get threatened.

But what I have found is that, and what a lot of you have found, is that when you actually bring your partner into the experience, they become part of the experience with you. They're like down. They're like, that is hot. I love watching you that much pleasure. Can we please bring this toy everywhere together all the time? And it's a really beautiful thing to see your partner have pleasure and ecstasy. Now, there's sure there are partners who might say, oh, I wish she reacted to my penis like that. You know, I wish it was the same. And I understand that that that can feel like somehow inferior.

Like you're not doing enough. But I don't think that your partner's thinking that like, think about technology. that can feel like somehow inferior, like you're not doing enough. But I don't think that your partner's thinking that. Like, think about technology. Think about all the ways that technology has shaped our lives for the better in many ways, makes things more efficient, more intense, so we can get onto other things.

So I think what I'm saying here is that, yes, it's a different type of orgasm. If you're not having this feeling with your husband, I would also say, does he know what feels good to you? You're going to have a different kind of intense experience with your husband. Maybe you're not orgasming with his penis, and maybe that's your question as well. But a lot of times we go, we need to just then slow down. If you're having sex with your partner, with your husband, are there different positions you could try? A lot of women go really fast during sex. Like they move really fast and maybe there's like a slower sort of, maybe you're on top and you really are trying to feel him in your body and you're, you know, moving in different

positions and you're talking about what feels good. So I would play around with it. I would also say that, you know, I love that you're having intense orgasms. I think that's great. And just have fun playing with your partner and seeing what kind of dynamic that can bring, what kind of pleasure you can have with your partner. So remember that it's not all about the orgasm. Okay. Last but not least, the myth.

Anal sex is always painful. Oh, and it's only for gay men. Oh, gosh, listen. Oh, some other related myths. If you are a straight man, but you have something in your anus, it must mean that you are now gay. It makes you dirty or slutty. It's bad for you.

Tips for exploring, you know, safely and pain free is just to go slow. You can explore with yourself on your own during masturbation, explore with your partner, communicate about it, talk about it, go slow. You wanna breathe a lot. I mean, if it's painful,

it's probably because you are not going slow and breathing and using lots of lube and communicating what you need with your partner. That's when it gets painful. It gets painful and it's unexpected. No one wants surprise anal. Here's the thing.

All men, penis owners have a prostate and it's in their anus and it feels amazing. It's like kind of like the female G spot. And when penetrated, it feels amazing. It's like kind of like the female G spot. And when penetrated, it feels great. It can feel I mean penis owners. I know who have played with it. They have incredible orgasms beyond orgasms next level orgasms. They have great pleasure. It's sort of like their bonus button.

They're like, I had no idea. The reason why is because for so many years, we thought it was only for gay men. And I don't, you know, there's a lot of, you know, in many states it's outlawed. They outlaw anal sex. They out, you know, I understand they also outlaw, you know, homosexuality. However, anal sex is great for all genders. It does not, listen, you know what, you know, you know how I know if you're gay? You might, if you, well, if you tell me you're gay, then you're gay, and you take your word for it. But if you sleep with men and you're a man, if you sleep, if you have a penis,

like to be with other penises, I'd say, yeah, okay, then if you say you're gay, then you're probably gay. But a sex act is not gonna make you gay. It's not gonna define your sexuality. Okay, so if you wanna know more about anal though, cause you know I love talking about anal, you have to check out our recent podcast.

It's called Seducing the Booty with Alicia Sinclair. So please check that one out. We talk so much about anal. All your anal, you're actually, your top anal questions are answered in that episode. And remember, if you are searching for prostate, you want to play anal-y, play with your anus. We love Bee Vibe.

They make incredible all things anal. They're bee, like all things butt, butt plugs. It's a great way to explore, you know, what you like and what you don't like. And vulva owners too with anal play, you can have new sensations. You can, you know, a lot of vulva owners have orgasms that way. And there's just a lot of play to do better. Think about anal play just expanding your sexual repertoire.

There's so much fun to be having. It seems sad to have like a, like a do not enter sign for your entire life over your anus. Let's try it, see if you like it. Okay. Question here. This is from Nicole 25.

Dr. Emily, first, thank you for all of your advice. I started listening to your podcast and it's changed my life. My husband and I have been together for almost eight years and married for two of them. He's the only man I've ever slept with and at the beginning it was so exciting and new, but as time went on,

we got into a super boring routine of sex. I had no drive to have sex, but since listening to your podcast, I changed my birth control and I masturbated for the first time ever. OMG, it's been amazing. And honestly, I don't think I've ever had an orgasm until nine months ago. We did your Yes, No, Maybe list and we both checked Yes to toys. We now have several WeVibed toys that we've grown to love and our sex life is thriving. It's seriously so much fun. In the last week or so he's been

getting adventurous and starting to explore butt stuff. We're going super slow about this like you suggested and I think it's going well. The question is how do I ask him if he wants if he wants me to touch him anally? I've heard about the men's prostate and how awesome it could be, but I'm scared he's going to say hell no. Thanks again. Any advice would be appreciated. We use lots of lube. Oh my God. I love this, DeCole. I'm so happy that you've learned so much from this show and that you have really been, you know, taking it slow and understanding each other's bodies and did the yes, no maybe list. All right. So I think simply you could talk about it next time you guys are out to dinner and say, God, I've been thinking about our sex life lately and I would love to, you know, how would you feel if I started, you know,

put a finger in your ass or your anus or wherever you want to say it. You could also in the moment when you're both turned on, you don't want to surprise him there, but you could start to take a finger and you could look at him and you could start to rub externally. Like you could start to actually start with his perineum, which is in between the anus, your ass, the anus opening and the balls.

So think about like the taint, they call it perineum. And you can start to apply pressure there and see how he reacts. Start applying direct pressure. And you know, and then you can start to move your hand. Like, does that feel good? And he'll know, he'll know. I wouldn't go with your finger yet,

but you can start to trace outside of his anus and see how that feels. You know, there's a lot of nerve ending. So there's a lot of playing to do there. And so I would say I would ask him, you guys have been together eight years, or just start to like tease him together. Just say, I want to know if this feels good to you.

I think it'd be really hot to explore. Maybe he's been dying for you to ask. Maybe he's like, when is she gonna do it today? So I love that you're asking. You guys sound like you're in a really good place. Keep exploring, keep having fun. Keep that lead out. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily.

And if you love this show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X, it's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at SexWithEmily.com for free guides

and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you have a question about sex, dating, relationships, any of it, leave a message at sexwithemily.com slash ask. And hey, was it good for you? Email me at feedback at sexwithemily.com. I would love to hear what you're thinking.