Sex With Emily - 5 Sex Myths We All Believe

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

Let’s be honest: there are certain myths about sex that are SO common, they seem like truth. Things like: what it means to be wet, what it means to be hard, and what it means if you use a vibrator a lot. But guess what? A ton of the things you and I have both heard about sex aren’t based on science - they’ve just been repeated a lot. So on today’s show, I’m debunking the top sex myths I see and hear, and giving you the actual facts.  What does it mean about your sexual ability if you’ve had a lot of partners - or conversely, hardly any? We talk about it. How about if you’re not getting wet during sex. Does that mean you’re not turned on? We discuss! Let’s say you use a vibrator a lot - can you get addicted to it? Or my favorite: does having an orgasm mean the sex was good? I tackle both of these. And finally, we face the truth about anal sex, because spoiler alert...it’s not just for gay men. In this episode you’ll learn:  About the wide range of orgasms people can experience and why each is unique. Why libido levels vary between individuals and how this impacts sexual relationships. How pornography can shape unrealistic expectations and affect real-life sexual experiences. Show Notes: Join the Waitlist for my SmartSX Membership Community: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? Guide SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want to try Promescent's Delay Spray or Arousal Gel? Visit Promescent.com/emily for 15% off your order! Practice love every day with Paired, the #1 app for couples. Download the app at https://www.paired.com/SWE  Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com/live.

Here's a related myth. Having a lot of sex can cause vulva owners to stretch. Like if I've been penetrated that many times, my vagina's going to get looser and looser. Not true. After you have a child, yes, your muscles will become weaker and you build them up over time doing Kegel exercises. But it's not like a permanent stretch doesn't mean it's not gonna go back. Basically, if you're keeping your numbers down

because you don't want your vagina to stretch, you're missing out on a lot of fun and a lot of pleasure. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Let's be honest. There's certain myths about sex that are so common, they seem like the truth. Things like what it means to be wet, what it means to be hard, and what it means if

you use a vibrator. A lot. But guess what? A ton of the things that you and I have both heard about sex aren't based on science. They've just been repeated a lot. So on today's show I'm debunking the top sex myths I see out there and giving you the actual facts. What does it mean about your sexual ability if you've had a lot of partners? Or conversely, hardly any. We talk about this. How about if you're not

getting wet during sex? Does it mean you're not turned on? We discuss. Or let's say you use your vibrator a lot. Can you get addicted to it? Or my favorite, does having an orgasm mean the sex was good? I tackle both of these. And finally, we face the truth about anal sex because spoiler alert, it's not just for gay men. Please rate and review Sex with Emily.

Wherever you listen to the show, it helps get the shot to more people and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now. for gay men. at Sex with Emily. My new articles, how to actually talk dirty, and ask Emily help, my partner can only orgasm with her legs straight are both up on sexwithemily.com. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. I asked my Sex with Emily audience their most embarrassing penis questions. And one that kept coming up was how can I increase my ejaculation?

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capture the story of this incredible brand. Well now, journalist and author Kate Sloan just completed a limited audio series documenting the history and impact that Magic One has created over the last 56 years. It's called Making Magic. And the series chronicles Magic One's incredible brand story through interviews with nearly 40 experts, performers, business owners, educators, and fans. So I got a sneak preview of the series, and what I loved is that Kate weaves together snippets from all their interviews into this amazing story arc.

She covers Magic One's journey from appliance store massager to its legendary influence on culture and sexual dependence. And it's all just fascinating. The first episodes of Making Magic are available now at makingmagicseries.com or on all popular podcast platforms. Just search for Making Magic or visit makingmagicseries.com today. Our first myth, ready? The number of people you've slept with determines how good a lover you are. If you're thinking, oh, yeah, that's definitely true. If I've slept with 10 people and my partner slept with one,

that makes me a 10 times better lover. A lot of us assume that the more we do it, like the more you go to the gym, the more reps you do, you're stronger, you're a stronger athlete, right? The more countries you visit, then you're a seasoned traveler, and the The more countries you visit, then you're a seasoned traveler. And the more people you stop with, then you're much better at sex. I'm going to say this is a myth. You don't have to have slept with a lot of people to be good at sex. In fact, there is no good at sex.

You don't arrive to a place where you're good at sex. So we call this the body count. It's kind of grim. And if you think about it anyway, just having it branded as the body count it's like the number of people you've killed. The reality is your body count does not determine the quality of your love making of how good of a lover you are. What will help you be a good lover and this is available for all of you is if you pay attention to your partner's pleasure, every time you're

with a new partner you're getting a brand new opportunity to become a good lover. Every time we have sex with someone new it's a new experience. You might have sex with someone I've slept with and you two would have your totally different sexual experience because it's the two of you. It's not me and this person. It doesn't transfer. Sex is like cooking, right? You're together and it's the ingredients of both of you that bake the sex you're having. If you're focused on your partner in the moment, meaning that you pay attention, it's our body language. Are they moving towards you? Are they moving away? Is their breath quickening? Their breath is quickening, then we know that they're aroused. And so for me, it's more

about the quality sex you've had than quantity. Maybe you've been with one person but for a long time and in that long-term relationship, you got to understanding to those bodies, you learned how to communicate, you learned to ask for what you want. That's what makes a really great lover is relationships that you've actually been able to communicate about your needs. You've had to adjust and adapt and learn to satisfy someone who might have liked something that was outside of your comfort zone because those skills are adaptable. Like being a good listener, active listener, being someone who can change the behavior over time, being someone who knows how to satisfy a partner in more ways than one, not just the bedroom. And let me say this about the number.

Eventually, you will get to a point where people stop asking you this, I hope. But I get why you answer. I mean, I understand. You're like, how could I not answer the number of people I've slept with? But every time your partner is asking this, remember, they're asking to gather information. They want to gather data about who you are. They're going to use it to define you and to judge you. When I'm telling you it doesn't mean anything.

So if you slept with too few, that means you're not going to be a good lover or you're less experienced. Too many, then you've been out there too much. You're a player, you're a slut. There's all these judgments that are made and I'm telling you it does not mean anything. It doesn't mean that you simply had sex or you didn't have sex. I don't even think sex should be defined through how many people have penetrated you or you've penetrated. So what you could say is, oh you know what? Right now I am just

focused on sex we're having. I love to live in the present. Let's talk about the sex we're having because it's incredible. Not so much talking about the past, let's live in the future. If someone says to me, how many people have you slept with? I'm thinking to myself, couldn't you be asking me something way more interesting right now? Like how about what kind of sex do I like? Or how about what's my idea of an incredible kiss? Or what makes great foreplay? What's my number one fantasy? You know, what do I like to do on a long weekend?

Like those are really good questions. But the body count question just leads us nowhere fast. Here's a related myth under the body count umbrella is having a lot of sex can cause vulva owners to stretch. Like if I've slept with so many people, if I've been penetrated that many times, my vagina's gonna get looser and looser. Not true. The reality is there's a few times in your life,

big childbirth, after you have a child, yes, your muscles will become weaker and you build them up over time, you know, doing Kegel exercises. If you have passed a human out of your vagina, it's going to change. But it's not like a permanent stretch. It doesn't mean it's not gonna go back. And that's why we talk a lot about strengthening your pelvic floor and doing Kegels.

And there's other things you can do. But basically, if you're keeping your numbers down because you don't want your vagina to stretch, you're missing out on a lot of fun and a lot of pleasure. Okay, this is from Francesca, 27 in New York City. My name is Francesca, I'm a 27 year old hetero woman and I started having sex at age 26. First and foremost I'm enjoying it. However oftentimes I have this feeling of not knowing what the common knowledge about sex is. I know I started having sex later than a lot of my peers

and I try to validate myself and my reasons for doing that and at the same time I just don't know what I don't know. I don't have an understanding of what are the similarities of what most men find pleasurable versus what's unique to each guy. In other words, how much of what you learn from one partner is transferable to another. I worry so much about being boring or vanilla or painful if I apply too much pressure. The three partners I've been with have been very kind and reminded me that I should be more focused on myself and what I like than trying to predict what they want. But even so, I have these insecurities and feel that being more informed would help me be more confident.

How can I know if I'm a good lover universally? Alright, this is such a good question, Francesca. First off, sounds like you're with some really, like attentive lovers, some really knowledgeable lovers who are saying, I want you to focus on your pleasure. I want you to focus on what feels good to you because that's what's gonna make you a great lover to all. And I would say that for all genders. And I would say that a lot of vulva owners

get caught up wanting to be a good lover and they're so in the moment, every time they have have sex they're thinking about what they can do to their partner. How do I give a better blowjob? How do I handle their balls better? How do I do something different so this partner will think I am the greatest lover? But Francesca, what makes you a great lover is when you know your body. How do you move during sex that makes you feel good? Pay attention to that. Do I like the slow kisses? Do I like when he kisses me a little more intensely?

Do I like when he softly touches my vulva, my clitoris? Do I like when he goes faster? What kind of touch feels good? Does the pace of sex work for me? Sometimes it goes really fast and sometimes it goes slow and I actually like when there's slow anticipation. I like with the partners who take time to address me. Oh, I like the partners who compliment me

and tell me how sexy I look. These are the things you gotta focus on because then that's gonna help you feel more confident in your body. A confident vulva owner in bed knows how to move and knows how to ask for what she wants and how to breathe and how to calibrate. That makes you a really great lover. There's an intuitive knowing when you are in your body and you are living

your most authentic sexual self that I'm sure you've had sex with three people so it's not gonna be like a surprise. And what I found is that most peens is like what most vulvas like. They like it to be wet so you always should have some lube on the nightstand. Lube is so helpful. And they want like a grip, not a soft grip, but then a grip, but not too tight, not too hard. No teeth. Doesn't feel great to everybody. So to answer your question here, how much of what you learn from one partner is transferable

to another, what's transferable is the process of discovery, the process of learning what your partner likes. And once you become more mindful and in touch, and you can learn in just a few minutes or one session with a partner what they actually like. Again, it all goes back to paying attention and being mindful. So you've pretty much learned what you need to know and now you get to focus on yourself and healthy communication with your partner and it's okay to ask for does this feel good, does this not feel good? I mean I love talking about sex sex thank you for helping us debunk this

very important myth remember just become great lovers everyone by paying attention all right the second myth you don't need lube if you're already aroused or turned on oh this is also related to the myth of you should need lube if you're aroused spit is just as good as lube you only need lube during penetration lube is just for older as lube. You only need lube during penetration. Lube is just for older people who have dryness problems. Alright, the reality is lube can make it easier to orgasm. Lube makes sex better no matter what your body part. There's a study from Indiana University Center for Sexual Health found that lube

makes it 50% easier for both genders to orgasm. And I've even read a study that say if you use lube 80% of vulva owners are more likely to orgasm. This is why my dream is a lube on every nightstand. Get a lube on your nightstand. Remember wetness is not an indicator of arousal. You can be dry and really turned on. And you can be super turned on and not wet at all. And it's confusing. Sometimes you're wet and it doesn't last that long. Like you're wet for a minute and then sex starts happening, intercourse, any kind of sex, touching, you're not wet anymore. And so your wetness can be affected by so many

things. You might be wet certain times a month, your menstrual cycle affects your, you know, how wet you are. Certain medications like the birth control pill, ironically, antidepressants, your age can impact it. You know how stressed you are, how healthy you are. So I just want to say that lube is just a game changer for sex. I will not do any kind of sex without it. You've heard me talk about this, but I think that there's still this notion that lube is this dirty little secret you got to keep under the bed and we better drag out the lube. You know there's a problem and I think a lot of penis owners feel offended if their partners aren't wet and they assume

something's wrong with me or my penis or something's wrong with my partner. Listen, if you're human you probably do one of two things in situations like this you either blame others or you blame yourself. Which camp are you in? Lube is great especially during oral sex. That's why I love flavored lube. Have a flavored lube on your nightstand as well. Like System Joe makes incredible lube that I just eat for dessert. This is from Josh 38 in New Jersey. Hey Dr. Emily my wife and I have been together for four years and got married quickly. We have a one-year-old and sex is great when we have it but the issue is that my wife is very dry and it hurts her. We tried l Lou but can't find a good one that helps. I end up feeling bad and

try to make it end quickly because I don't want to cause her pain. I don't know when it started for her but ever since we've been together she's been dry during sex. We talk about it not sure what to do. Josh, I'm so glad you sent in this email. I'm gonna help you here. It'd be great for your wife to go to a doctor and to look at like what medications she's taking. Do any of those medications cause dryness? She takes allergy medication. Okay, antidepressants, birth control. There's a lot of things that it could be. Now lube is great to use all kinds of lubes. You know silicone lube lasts a little bit longer than water-based lube. Coconut oil also lasts a while.

She's 38 years old. You have a one-year-old. She could also get her hormones checked because loss of estrogen can happen after childbirth, and this is when a lot of women have pain. She could be starting perimenopause. Does she remember a time in her 20s when she was more wet? What happens when she masturbates? Does she masturbate? Does she get aroused? Does she have a time in her 20s when she was more wet? What happens when she masturbates?

Does she masturbate? Does she get aroused? Does she have orgasms? Does she have the other kind of pleasure? So there's a lot to explore here. So let's get into like talking about your sex life with her. What are her turn-ons? When does she feel most aroused?

How about when you go down on her? Does that make her feel good? If it's dry and it hurts her, you need to stop and figure out how she's not dry. Because also remember when you're too dry and, does that make her feel good? If it's dry and it hurts her, you need to stop and figure out how she's not dry. Because also remember, when you're too dry and you've sex without lube, you tear, there's tears. And then that could also transfer an STI,

transfer an infection. So get her hormones checked, have her go to a doctor, and let's find out what does feel good to her, what her turn-ons are, all right? Because that's just gonna help with everything. Knowing that she actually wants to have sex and it can feel good to her. And remember, a lot of pleasure for a Volvo owner

doesn't necessarily have to do with penetration. So if it's painful for you to penetrate her, you could also tease her nipples. Nipplegasms are a thing. Play with her inner thighs. Go down on her clitoris without external stimulation. Have some fun figuring this out with her, Josh. Take your time, figure it out, ask some questions, and let me know how it goes.

After the break, I debunk the myths we tell ourselves about orgasms and vibrators. Yes, penis owners, vibrators feel good, and you too. Vibrators, feel good, I'm you too. Have you been feeling disconnected from your partner? You know, maybe you've been together a long time and the spark is just dying out. Or maybe you're in a new relationship and struggling to build trust and intimacy. Well, I always say communication is a lubrication

and this doesn't just apply to the bedroom. Having intimate conversations with your partner will improve every area of your love life. So I gotta tell you about paired. Paired is an app for couples who want to strengthen their relationships. This app offers fun and insightful activities that will deepen your connection. Back by experts and relationship therapists, paired was founded on the belief that real lasting love is a daily practice. And get this, it's been proven to work. Okay, how does it work? You and your partner download the app, Pear,

and every day you are given personalized questions, quizzes and games, stay connected, deepen your conversations and have fun too. There's questions like, what about your partner do you find the sexiest? And when you're in a bad mood, what do you need from your partner? And there's super fun games involving sexual compatibility,

knowing yourself, saying I'm sorry. I can honestly say I've been having a blast with paired. It's really fun. Something to do every day with your partner. Think about it. We have apps to improve our fitness, our schedules, our mental health, our diet. It just makes sense that there'd be one to help you

with your relationship as well. And get this, one of my favorite parts of the app is that you can't see your partner's answer until you answer yours. So it's a safe space to have an open, honest conversation about your relationship. Couples that are open and honest with each other have better sex. End of story. To be honest, my partner and I, we are super busy working all day every day, just like you are. And paired helped us because it's like a daily reminder to connect and to continue to work on our relationship. So I do feel closer to my partner after using the app.

And I really look forward to answering my daily questions, not just for the relationship, but to check in with myself as well. So even if you're just a few dates in or you've been together a long time, find time to connect with your partner and nourish your relationship with the Paired app. It's super easy and fun and only takes five minutes a day. So head to paired.com slash SWE to get a free seven day trial and 25% off if you sign up for a subscription that's paired.com slash sw to sign up today that's paired.com slash sw Myth number three sex isn't good if you don't have an orgasm which is obviously the goal of sex Sex isn't good if you don't have an orgasm, which is obviously the goal of sex. The reality? Orgasms are extremely pleasurable. They are. Love them.

But they are not the only measure of a successful sex session. Some other related myths to this? All orgasms feel the same. Orgasms are always achieved through penetration. That an orgasm just signifies the end of successful sex. Listen, pleasure and orgasm are not the same thing. Orgasm can happen and orgasm is extremely pleasurable. But pleasure, pleasure is about the journey. Pleasure is the journey along the path. Pleasure is connection and touch and intimacy. And sometimes we focus so much on wanting to orgasm, we miss out on fully experiencing pleasure

with our partners. We really do. And remember the goal of sex is about exploration, connection, and learning, and figuring out your partner. And for some couples, I think they confuse, every time they use the word sex, they think we're talking about penetration. And it is true that sex and orgasm are sort of synonymous,

that we think if you had an orgasm, you had sex. If you had sex, you must have had an orgasm. But that's because again, we define sex as PV sex, penis goes into vagina. And the focus is around the male's orgasm. Being focused on orgasm is not necessarily a problem. What I've seen it more so than not is that it becomes a problem when we only focus on orgasm and we define sex by orgasm is not necessarily a problem. What I've seen it more so than not is that it becomes a problem when we only focus on orgasm

and we define sex by orgasm. And I'm telling you, you could have, if you never have orgasms, that's a problem. If you're like, nope, I never ever have orgasms, then I'd wanna know like how much have you tried to have an orgasm? Because you want it to be possible, right? There's something amazing that happens when you're like,

I'm just gonna focus on pleasure right now. I'm gonna focus on how it feels with my partner's hands on my body. I'm going to focus on how it feels to make out with my partner, how it feels to see him naked, how it feels, you know, all these different things. And you'll find that when you turn your attention away from obsessing about orgasm, you are more likely to have an orgasm and you're more likely to focus on sensations and to be to understand what actually feels good, you're more likely to be present. A lot of us disassociate during sex, we're focused on something that happened in

the past, something that's not happening in the moment, we're focused on what our partners want, and the last thing we're focusing on is our own body and our own pleasure. So there you go, take orgasm off the table or the focus of orgasm and focus on the pleasure, okay? Speaking of which, recently New York Times came out with an article that the orgasm gap is not going away for straight women. No surprise there.

We know that unfortunately we're still on a journey to pleasure. We haven't reached it just yet, but let's talk about it. Sure, you can communicate more and you can also learn what you like in the bedroom. But also a very real fact is that on average, men can orgasm in as little as five to seven minutes on average and for women it takes a lot longer. Of course sex means a lot more than penetration and you can always pleasure your partner afterwards. But if you're interested in reaching climax with your partner during penetration

allow me to introduce you to Promescent. Promescent is a delay spray that can help you actually last longer in the bedroom. Nerve signals are what trigger orgasms and Promessent uses lidocaine to relax those nerve cells, giving you complete control over your climax. In just five to 10 minutes from application, Promessent begins to work and can have effects that last for up to an hour.

Promessent just allows you to last longer in bed and enjoy all the sensations without having to worry about finishing early. That is a bummer when you're always in your head worrying. And this can give more of an opportunity to focus on your partner to catch up. An IRB certified study showed a 50% increase in both partners reaching orgasm together when using Promescent. So, probably time to check it out today. Shop promescent.com slash emily for 15% off free shipping and 60 day money back guarantee and discrete delivery. That's P-R-O-M-E-S-C-E-N-T.com slash Emily for 15% off.

Here's an email question from Taylor33 in California. Dr. Emily, I'm not sure if I've ever had an orgasm and it seems impossible to do so. I've listened to your show for a while and tried a lot of things you discuss. My partner's patient and has also tried to work with me. We've spent hours on this. I get close, but then I seem to lose it.

Or maybe I do reach climax. It just doesn't feel fulfilling. I require a lot of stimulation and a lot of pressure. But then it's almost like everything just goes numb and my body turns off. I'm not sure what to do next or where to go. I feel like I'm just incapable of orgasm. Okay, Taylor, if you probably aren't sure that you have a head orgasm, maybe you have it.

And your partner's trying to work with you. Have you tried on your own to work on having an orgasm? And you're saying that you require a lot of stimulation and pressure. A lot of us require a lot of stimulation and pressure. It goes numb and your body turns off. Is that because you're just focusing on the stimulation in the moment? I would say you're not incapable of orgasm. I would say you're pre-orgasmic, which means you haven't gotten there yet. And it sounds like I love that you're working on it with your partner, but

sometimes we need to figure out on our own without a partner. So I encourage you to take some time alone, masturbate, take a bath, take a shower, figure out your own body and what feels good. Spend 10 minutes a day or three times a week for an hour exploring the mirror between your legs and using some lube and saying what feels good to me. Maybe it's a lot of stimulation and pressure, maybe it's not, maybe it's slow touch, only you are going to be able to figure that out. So what I'm hearing is your partner's patient, are you patient with yourself, are you patient that takes time? Some women have orgasms a lot easier. It has to do with

their literally the way they were born, their anatomy, how close their clitoris is to their vaginal opening. It's literally how you're born. Like you've long legs, you have shorter legs, you have your clitoris is closer to your vaginal opening, it's all the same. So that's why those people have it. But for you, for people who don't, we get more in our heads and is it gonna happen? Is it not gonna happen? And so I need you to focus, go mindful, focus more on your own body and your own orgasm and practice on your own or tell your partner you need more time to slow because I don't like that you are going numb. That leaves me with that your body is turning off, sounds disassociating, that you're just

focusing so hard on one thing. But there's a process of letting go when we're mindful. We're just letting go to what we're feeling in the moment. We're paying attention to our senses. What does it feel like with my partner's finger on my clitoris? I'm hearing my breath. You know, I'm smelling this candle and it smells really good and I'm... Focus yourself in the moment with a mindful practice. You'll get there. I promise you. You're not incapable of orgasm. You got this Taylor. Here is the fourth myth. You

can become addicted to using a vibrator. Other people say a related myth is it can cause your body to become desensitized, to stimulation, you'll no longer move your orgasm without using one. And no, the reality is vibrators can bring you a whole lot of pleasure. There's something called an orgasm gap and a lot of vulva owners are unable to orgasm in general. Especially with their penis having partners who orgasm a lot quicker than they do. And toys help you explore your body. They can help you have orgasms. They can help you explore your body and find other pleasure parts that feel good. There are so many erogenous zones in our

body that our hands won't get to. Right? They won't be able to reach those areas. Now to address this addiction part. Sure, if you keep orgasming the same way with the vibrator every time in the same position, you're not addicted. Your body has become used to a pattern that you repeat every time you want to orgasm. You go into pleasure yourself and you repeat a pattern. We're all creatures of habit, right? Like I have a pattern every time I come home, open the door, put my keys in the bowl, walk in the house, walk the dog, like we get into patterns

that we don't even have to think about it. Maybe brush our teeth is the same. We do that with masturbation. So I would say if you're worried about this though, just bring in your hand and start masturbating with your hands and every other time working your hands. But I don't think that there's, it's not like a lesser of an orgasm if you use a vibrator. It doesn't make it a bad orgasm, it doesn't make a different orgasm.

And vibrators are good for us too. Remember the sex begets sex. The more orgasms we have, the more orgasms we're going to want. For many of us, it's easier, it's efficient, we can explore our bodies, we know we're going to have an orgasm. And vibrators aren't just for solo play, in fact, partners can benefit from it. So there was a study that actually came out, our friend Justin Laymiller did a study, and he said 71% of couples

said that vibrators improve their sex life. And I loved this study. These couples all got vibrators to use for two weeks, and they had to use it every time they text for two to three weeks. And guess what? After that point, they all wanted to use for two weeks. And they had to use it every time they text for two to three weeks. And guess what? After that point, they all wanted to use a vibrator all the time.

They're like, we love this vibrator. Remember, vibrators are great for penis owners as well. They feel incredible on the shaft, the balls, all over. It's a vibration. Vibrations feel good all over our body. Like our head feels good vibrated, scratched, touched. So the reality is, vibrators are part of a healthy sex life. All right, I have an email from Alyssa 30 in Chicago.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm using a rabbit vibrator. When I'm orgasming, it's almost a paralyzing feeling and it's so intense, but I never had that feeling when having sex with my husband. Is this a different type of orgasm? What's this feeling? Is this normal? I'm very new to self pleasure. The orgasm? What's this feeling? Is this normal? I'm very new to self pleasure.

The orgasm that you have with a vibrator sometimes is different than the orgasm you're gonna have with a penis. It's different than an orgasm you're gonna have with your hand. And there's lots of different ways to orgasm. So you're talking about a rabbit vibrator, which is a dual stimulation vibrator,

which means part of it goes inside of you and then part of it is stimulating your clitoris externally and then there's the internal part. And so that means that all of those nerve endings are being stimulated at once. Think about a massage, like you could get a massage with one masseuse or you could have one masseuse massaging your back and another one's massaging your feet. And maybe there's a third massaging your head. I feel pretty good. Think about it that way. So your rapid vibrator is hitting all the right spots, it's vibrating and it's all happening at the same time. It's great, it's intense, I love it. Have you had your husband hold the vibrator so he could see this kind of incredible orgasm you

have? That's really hot too. I think that we think that if we tell our partners about our vibrators or maybe we have told them that they get threatened. But what I have found and what a lot of you have found is that when you actually bring your partner into the experience, they become part of the experience with you, they're like down. They're like, that is hot. I love watching you have that much pleasure. Can we please bring this toy when we're together all the time? And it's a really beautiful thing to see your partner have pleasure and ecstasy. Now they're sure, there are partners who might say, uh I wish she

reacted to my penis like that. I wish it was the same and I understand that. That that can feel like somehow inferior or like you're not doing enough. But I don't think that your partner's thinking that right? Like I wish I was efficient as my cell phone and keep remembering all of my phone numbers, but I'm not so I just use my cell phone. What I'm saying here is that yes it's a different type of orgasm. If you're not having this feeling with your husband I would also say does he know what feels good to you? You're gonna have a different kind of intense experience with your husband. Maybe you're not

orgasming with his penis and maybe that's your question as well. But a lot of times we need to just then slow down. If you're having sex with your partner, with your husband, are there different positions you could try? A lot of women go really fast during sex. Like they move really fast and maybe there's like a slower sort of, maybe you're on top and you really are trying to feel him in your body and you're, you know, moving in different positions and you're talking about what feels good.

So I would play around with it. I would also say that I love that you're having intense orgasms. I think that's great. And just have fun playing with your partner and seeing what kind of dynamic that can bring, what kind of pleasure you can have with your partner. Last but not least, the myth, anal sex is always painful. Oh, and it's only for gay men. With some other related myths if you are a straight man but you have something in

your anus it must mean that you are now gay. It makes you dirty or slutty. It's bad for you. Okay so here's the truth. All penis owners have a prostate and it's in their anus and it feels amazing. It's like kind of like the female G-spot and when penetrated it feels great. Penis owners I know who have played with it, they have incredible orgasms. Beyond orgasms, next-level orgasms, they have a great pleasure. It's sort of like their bonus button. They're like I had no idea. Anal sex is great for all genders. If you have a penis and you like to be with other penises,

I'd say, yeah, okay, then if you say you're gay, then you're probably gay. But a sex act is not gonna make you gay. It's not gonna define your sexuality. Tips for exploring booty play, anal sex, are important to note because it is going to be painful if you don't do it correctly. If you rush, you don't use lube, all those things. So remember to go slow. You can explore with yourself on your own during masturbation. Explore with

your partner. Communicate about it. Talk about it. Go slow. You want to breathe a lot. If it's painful, it's probably because you are not going slow and breathing and using lots of lube and communicating what you need with your partner. That's when it gets painful when it's unexpected. No one wants surprise anal. With anal play, you could have new sensations. A lot of vulva owners have orgasms that way. There's a lot of play to do together. Think about anal play as expanding your sexual repertoire. There's so much fun to be having. It seems sad to have like a do-not-enter for your entire life over your anus. Let's try it. See if you like it. This is from Nicole 25. Dr. Emily, first thank you for all of your advice. I started

listening to your podcast and it's changed my life. My husband and I have been together for almost eight years, married for two of them. He's the only man I've ever slept with and at the beginning it was so exciting and new, but as time went on we got into a super boring routine of sex. I had no drive to have sex, but since listening to your podcast I changed my birth control

and I masturbated for the first time ever. OMG, it's been amazing. And honestly, I don't think I've ever had an orgasm until nine months ago. We did your yes, no maybe list list and we both checked Yes to toys. We now have several toys that we've grown to love and our sex life is thriving. It's seriously so much fun. In the last week or so, he's been getting adventurous and starting to explore butt stuff.

We're going super slow about this like you suggested and I think it's going well. The question is, how do I ask him if he wants me to touch him anally? I've heard about the men's prostate and how awesome it could be, but I'm scared he's going to say hell no. Thanks again. Any advice would be appreciated. We use lots of lube. Oh my God. I love this, Nicole. I'm so happy that you've learned so much from this show and that you have really been taking it slow and understanding each other's bodies and did the yes no maybe list. Alright, so I think simply when you're both turned on you don't want to surprise them there, but you could start to take a finger and you

could look at him and you could start to rub externally like like you could start to actually start with his perineum which is in between the anus, the opening and the balls. So think about like the taint they call it, perineum. And you can just start to apply pressure there and see how he reacts. Start applying direct pressure and then you can start to move your hand like does that feel good? And hell no, hell no. I wouldn't go in with your finger yet but you could start to trace outside of his anus and see how that feels. You know there's a lot of nerve endings, so there's a lot of playing to do there.

And so I would say I would ask him, you guys have been together eight years, or just start to like tease him together. Just say, I wonder if this feels good to you. I think it would be really hot to explore. Maybe he's been dying for you to ask. Maybe he's like, when is she going to do it to me? So I love that you're asking. You guys sound like you're in a really good place.

Keep exploring, keep having fun. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily.

Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.