Sex With Emily - 6 Roadblocks to Sex & How to Clear Them

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

What’s holding you back from having good sex? Is it self-confidence? A problem with your partner? Are you under so much stress that it’s impossible to feel erotic and turned on? In today’s Best Of episode, I’m talking about the 6 most common roadblocks to sex and how to move past them. I’ll talk you through how to navigate each of them and also take your questions on personal sexual roadblocks. For example, if you’re coupled, is it cheating to get on OnlyFans? What do you do if you’re not always wet for sex? And finally, what's the best way to work with a partner who’s prone to jealousy? All this and more on our roadblocks show.Show Notes:How to Use a Vibe With a PartnerHigh Pleasure: A Guide to Cannabis & SexPRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSMART SEX PRIZE PACK (submit your pre-order proof of purchase at the bottom of the page, be entered to win the prize pack and everyone that enters receives a copy of my new and improved Yes! No! Maybe? Guide)LELO LILY 3 (code EMILY for 25% off sitewide) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There's an orgasm gap. It can take women 20 to 40 minutes to have an orgasm, get a rouse, but for men you know Kyle, you know you get turned on and you're ready to go. Oh yeah, I get a rouse pattern, anyone I know it's insane. Kyle, yeah. That's so true. That's what happens, that's what's up. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize

your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So what's holding you back from having good sex? Is it self-confidence, problem with your partner? Are you under so much stress that's impossible to feel erotic and turned on? Well, in today's episode, I'm talking about the six most common roadblocks to sex and how to move past them. I'll talk you through how to navigate each of them and also take your questions on personal, sexual roadblocks.

For example, if you're coupled, is it cheating to get on only fans? What to do if you're not always wet for sex? And finally, what's the best way to work with a partner who's prone to jealousy? All this and more on our Roadblock show. Intentions with Emily for each episode I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you identify and clarify what's holding you back from sexual pleasure because once you know you can focus on productive healing so you can reclaim the pleasure that is your birthright. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show. My new article, How to Use a Vy with a Partner, is up at sexwithemily.com.

Plus, get ready y'all. Tis a season and we have a brand new 420 gift guide on our website right now. And if you haven't listened yet, I just did a special 420 episode. Check both of them out while they're hot. Must be 21 or over to access the gift guide. Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. They're all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice.

And if you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com. Sash, ask Emily. Or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose your main anonymous. It's all good.

Also, I'm coming out with a book which I am so excited for you to get your hands on and for you to read. I know it's gonna change your life. It comes out June 13th, but I would just love if you would pre-order the book right now. It helped so much get the book into more hands, so we've got more sexually pleasurable lives. Might even get on the best sour list. And as a loan-sensitive, if you pre-order it, you can enter to win a prize pack, which is pretty massive and sexy. And automatically, you'll get our yes, no, maybe guide. It's new and improved just for pre-ordering.

And don't forget, you can also request that your libraries are pre-order from any bookstores. Just click on the link in the show notes. Lastly, this episode is brought to you by Laylo. Laylo has amazing toys for all bodies, and what I love about Lalo is that they're all luxurious. They feel incredible. They look really great at your night stamp. People might not even know their sex toys. I've shared some of my favorite Lalo products with all of you before and I have another one to share. The Lili 3. The Lili 3 is a mini personal massage or it's like mini and adorable but it packs a punch. It is powerful and it just fits

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And it's so silent that you can literally bust it out on the go or wherever you go, you don't have to worry about anyone hearing it. Get 25% off on all Laylo products when you use the code SexWithEmily at checkout. Just go to Laylo.com that's leelo.com, use code SexWithEmily or just click the link in our show notes. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Before I get into your questions, I want to talk about the roadblocks to sex. What is getting in your way of being turned on, wanting to be with your partner,

or even wanting to be with yourself? Hey, masturbation is sex with someone you love. So I identified some common roadblocks, but first, I have an email, and this is what got me thinking about it. This is from Owen 28, Nyarland. Hey Emily, I'm a new listener to your show, all the way from Ireland, and I love it. Do you have any advice for me? I've been with my partner almost nine years. We've been together since we finished school and I love her dearly. However, lately, our lack of sex has really started to play in my mind. The sex has been infrequent over the last ten years, and lately it's just been less and

less. I am deeply in love with her, she's my best friend, we have a great relationship outside the bedroom. And for years, she's told me our sex life would be better once we have our own place and now we moved into our own place since last October and we've hardly had sex 10 times. We've talked so many times about it. I've done what you advised. I've expressed an honest, open, calm matter that I'm just not happy with our sex life.

I've bought toys with her consent. I've tried to encourage her to mutually masturbate. No luck. Out of time, the bedroom, she agrees to new things, but we never do them. We generally have sex in a few positions. After every talk, she always says she's going to make more of an effort, but nothing's changed. I'm out of ideas.

Anyhow, we'd be greatly appreciate it. Thanks, Owen. Alright, Owen. Here's why this hit me. You've tried a lot of the things that I suggest all the time. Have communication with your partner outside the bedroom. Try to find out what she's into, experiment with toys, and she's still finding herself not in the mood for sex. So this got me thinking because I get so many emails from you. You know, this thing about mismatch, libido's, one partner wants more, the other partner wants

less. It's very common in relationships. So I thought I want to point out here, here are the six common roadblocks to sex and what you can do about them. See if you recognize yourself or your partner. Number one, body image and securities, self-esteem, those negative beliefs about ourselves, whether it's performance or appearance, that keeps us, too, realize that how much worrying about your body

and how you look in the bedroom keeps you from being present sexually. It just keeps us in this self-sabotaging loop. Now, you know, we've all had moments, right? Sometimes we're worried about our body weight. I know that men are often worried about their penis size. We worry that our bodies are lacking, no matter what the body part is. And let me tell you about this about our body shape.

These are internal messages that we've subscribed to ourselves. We started telling ourselves these messages, they'll, yes, maybe you had somewhere in your past that shamed you, that is true. We've all had moments maybe that people didn't make us feel good, but now as an adult, you get to change that message. So you might be leaving, I am bad because of your body.

If you think that you are bad because of your body, that steals joy. And then it has you searching for external validation, which is like a joy zapper. Maybe you like sex in the dark or you keep your bra on or you don't want to take a shower with a partner. I mean every time we set this barrier up with a partner that's keeping us from sex, we're keeping ourselves from intimacy and we're keeping ourselves from pleasure. So how do we break the cycle of our self-esteem and not loving our bodies? I'll say it again, stop following people on Instagram and make you feel bad. Put the boundaries around the messages that we're seeing. Now this is a process. It doesn't mean that you wake up one day and you're like, I love my body. Think of it

more like body neutrality than even body love. Look for positive, healthy examples of ourselves to reinforce the process of undoing the damage by society and others. And then you get to follow healthy people who emulate healthy beauty standards. I'm going to give you an exercise. It's called an exposure exercise where you can walk around naked, give yourself a loving massage, look in the mirror, sleep naked, walk around naked, masturbation, masturbation, sex with someone you love. Once you start to masturbate in a healthy way, and I often have to encourage love owners to do this more than penis owners, but once you learn how to give yourself an orgasm,

start to learn to realize how incredible your body is. Refrain your body from a loving perspective. Replace the negative self-talk with positive messages. You can journal about it. You can keep notes in your phone. Remember this. Every single time we put up a barrier with our partners, we're just reinforcing a cycle of body negativity. This is what's keeping you from feeling sexual, feeling sexy, and being in your body. Alright, number two, stress and anxiety. Who's not stressed these days, am I right?

We've all had experiences where we are, super stress or anxious. You know, it could be work or money or job or family. And what happens is when we're stressed and anxious, we experience more of a tightness in our body and it literally stops the blood flow, especially if we're in our head, we're worrying and we're spinning and we're not connected to our body

and quite literally to our genitals. Think of it this way, if you're in your head, worried and anxious, the blood's rushing away from your genitals and going right to your head. And then that keeps us from being confident in our bodies, being intimate with our partners, makes it harder to orgasm. So how do you deal with anxiety?

Now, you've heard all the anxiety tips, right? People tell you to meditate, to eat healthy. You don't get better sleep, better exercise. All of that's important. I think we all have to figure out ways to work on our anxiety. And I can tell you, I don't think it ever goes away. We'll have periods that were more anxious and less anxious.

But the important thing is to remove this block. So what I want you to do for the anxiety and stress when it comes to sex, start to prioritize the sex life you have with your partner. How important is it if you're realizing now that stress and anxiety is keeping you from sex? And that's important to you. Do some research on your own and think about, when am I really turned on? When were the last three times you've had sex that I was in the mood?

What was happening before that? What was the sex life that we were having that was the most enjoyable? And then think about it, maybe you were really relaxed. Maybe you had a massage right before. Maybe you got back from a great workout. Maybe you'd been eating healthy for a while and you were feeling more in your body. Maybe you guys were on vacation. Maybe that tells me you need some time to get away, get a hotel room, desire and a rousal. It doesn't just hit you over the head. We don't just walk around

and you're going to be all of a sudden in the mood. So if you're someone who's highly anxious, highly stressed, I encourage you to look at your arousal cycles and think about what really gets you in the mood and make an effort to work on that anxiety and the stress. Number three, the media. Okay, the media rarely shows accurate depictions of intimacy. Think about it, even in Hollywood movies, it skips right over the foreplay, right over the safe sex. And a lot of these scenes really show consent, the starting and stopping, the funny power to sex,

when you get a cramp and porn. I mean, don't get me started on porn. I said they're looking at porn going, that is just nowhere near reality. It's not teaching us how to be great lovers, maybe it's making us feel bad about our bodies, and it's just not helpful. So in this case, I want you to just take a look and think,

am I watching media, television? Do I find people on Instagram that make me feel less than? Do I have a depiction about sex that's actually accurate? I encourage you to do your own research and to start looking around for more accurate representations of sex. Start talking to your partner and creating your own sexual movies. I don't mean making a sex take, but you could do that.

But think about, could I read a rhodica to my partner? Could we read it to each other in the bathtub? Could we actually find some porn that feels good to me? Can we find some scenes? Can we find some things that depict people that look like me, that act like me, and don't make me feel less than. So it really just comes down to education.

How can you educate yourself on what realistic sex looks like? Again, listening to this podcast is a great start. Listening to it with your partner. Do you know how many couples tell me that they listen together? And it's sort of been a mini sex therapy slash turn on, and it's changed the trajectory of their sex life. Alright, the next one. Number four, shame.

Shame, shame, shame. If you grew up in a home where it was a loaded topic in your family, or maybe you heard the messages that sex is just for marriage, that's all you need to know. These are not helpful messages, or maybe you were slut-shamed, or maybe people told you that, you know, good girls don't have sex. Sexual shame is not just a religious issue, but it happens in a lot of religious communities. And then what we see is people grow out of these communities, even if you're not practicing their religion or living under your parents' roof, it's going to stick with you,

because if you've been hearing a message your entire life as a child, you know, you're only got to wait for marriage and sex is only for procreation. You bet that when you start having sex, it doesn't mean that all that early messaging and wiring is just going to go out the window, that you're all of a sudden going to know how to be a great lover and you're going to be able to switch this mindset. And such if you had that was abstent only, God our education is bad. So, what I recommend if you're checking yourself

and you're like, wow, yeah, you know what? Hmm, that sounds like me. I just, I don't feel good when I have sex, I actually feel worse after, I don't even feel sexual. How do you own block that? Well, if you're struggling with sexual shame, how you overcome it is start by having empathy for yourself, not rejecting yourself. Make this decision, how you overcome it, start by having empathy for yourself, not rejecting yourself.

Make this decision. How do you want to be sexual? What does that actually look like to you? What is it how important it is to you? You understand now is an adult who can make your own decisions that maybe the earlier messages you heard didn't serve you. Because then you can come from a place of information rather than ignorance. And I don't mean that in a derogatory way, but you simply were not given accurate information.

I grew up without accurate information. So many of us, you know, we just go off and start having sex. And maybe we learned one or two things and sex ed or, you know, we're, yet we had some negative conditioning around it. How are we supposed to know? So check your messages around sex. Check what still serves you, and if it doesn't serve you, get rid of it. So we're on blocking it by deciding that you want to get educated around sex.

Read books. Again, listen to this podcast. And I believe that it's only when a person accepts their sexuality as a aspect of themselves. That's important. And that's something that's an external thing. That's when you can truly begin to heal from the shame. That's the only way it's going to promote your sexual health and values. It's going to help your life, your relationship, and your soul. I mean, sex is spiritual. Remember this too.

Brideg Brown says, is so well. The antidote to shame is having empathy and compassion for ourselves. Because if you're not going to give it to yourself, who is? Number five is trauma. Any kind of sexual trauma, assault, sorry to say that is going to impact our ability to give and receive pleasure and to really be in our bodies for a full sexual experience. And we experienced a trauma even if it was years ago, it doesn't go away. And in fact, over time, trauma can exacerbate and it can really have an impact on our ability to be a rouse and turned on by our partner.

And our trauma can be triggered by so many things. Our sense is it could be you touch something or you smell something or words. I mean, those are all part of intimacy. Also, if you've had a trauma and you feel that that is something that's holding you back, if you're with a trusted loving partner, I would share that with them. I would let them know that when certain sex acts happen,

or you see certain things, that it triggers you and it makes you feel that you can't be sexual. Listen, we're only as sick as our secret. So my advice is therapy. I recommend trauma therapy. You could try a somatic-based therapy or EMDR therapy, which is eye movement, desensitization, reprocessing. It actually helps you rewire your brain around a certain traumatic experience.

You can find more about it at mdria.org. That's emdria.org. And finally, the final roadblock, your health and medications. I don't know why we go on medications and doctors don't tell us that there's going to be side effects. And it oppressions. There can be a side effect that's going to dampen your libido to lay orgasm. Causes are hormones to fluctuate. Maybe you are in the birth control pill and they didn't tell you. Medications, you side effects, I'm telling you if you have a side effect from a medication, you do not have to live that way. I understand if you were not at a present and now you feel happy but you don't want to have

sex, that's something we can work on. Go back to your doctor and let them know you're having a side effect no matter what the medication is. If there's so much they can do right now so you don't just have to say, well, guess them on a medication. I'm never going to have an orgasm again. No, you don't have to live that way. And remember, when we eat well, we exercise, we meditate, we take care of our bodies, we're going to be more in the mood for sex. It just works that way. We're going to have better blood flow. So I encourage you to look at these roadblocks, didn't even speak to you,

have a growth mindset around sex. How can you pick just one of these and say, you know what, I'm gonna start to take the first step. So going back to our email, Owen, when I was thinking of reading your email is, listen to this with your partner. Can she identify any one of these that might be the reason?

This is not to shame or make her feel bad, but she might not know why she doesn't want sex. If people knew why they didn't want sex, they'd start having sex again. And I'm telling you, I hear it every single day. You know, not just an Owen's email, but people who just don't understand why or their partner doesn't want it. They want it more than their partner. So check out these row blockscks, share this with a friend,

and I want us all to get into a growth mindset around sex. How can I grow just a little bit? Remember, nothing changes and happen overnight. Let me know if I spoke to any of your roadblocks here. Of course, there's many of them, but I wanted to give you a jumping off point because that's what I do. I want to help you.

All right, let me know. You can email me feedback at sexwithemley.com. Hey, stay right where you are because after the break, I'm talking more sexual roadblocks like vaginal dryness, which I think you all know my solution for and jealousy in relationships. Let's talk to Kyle 21 in Tennessee. So I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks now and I really think she could be the one and we haven't had the chance to have sex yet and I feel like every time we get there I get real nervous and I feel like if I don't please her she may not want to stay with me

and I just need to figure out how I can call these nerves and just be myself with her when I get to those points. Okay, so you're saying you've seen her, you haven't connected, what has happened so far? Are nothing you haven't seen her yet? We've gone on a few days and when we go back to the house, we start to get serious and every single time, I get too nervous. I feel like I'm not going to be able to form to our standards. She's really pretty and it's like, I can't live up to those expectations.

But I don't know. I just get too nervous and psych myself out. And then what happens? I just, I kind of pull out. I don't keep going and keep planning with her. You just got to go in with the note and like, I'm going to make her feel good. I'm going to go in and I'm going to, I'm going to please her and see what she wants. So you meaning like you go in, you have sex, you put your penis inside of her and then you pull out because you're nervous?

No, I don't. I don't put my penis in the shower, I get to the point where we both get naked and it's like, I really, I want to do it, but I get nervous, so I stop. I don't, I don't know, do you think it would be, should I go down on her for a while to start? Yeah. Just kind of maybe calm the nerves and... Absolutely Kyle, this is what I always recommend, so. Absolutely, like I'm not going to ple always recommend. Yeah exactly Kyle listen whenever you're in your head that's exactly what's

happening but I promise you there is nothing like getting your your your confidence because you're talking about confidence and Kyle just know that no one at 21 the guys who think they're confident it's 21 I'm telling you if I can go back to my 20 they didn't they didn't take a false confidence like yeah women like when I pound away them and that that feels good, I'm telling you. So you just have an end of years on the planet yet of having sex that you would feel confidence. You just know you're, you're we're most many people are your age. So you're not like behind the eight ball.

There's no problem here. It's just like it's a new thing and she's a new partner for you. So you're always going to lead with giving, especially when it comes to sex. So if you go in, you're like, I just wanna look at you, I wanna address you, I wanna go down on you, I wanna finger you. I mean, ask her what turns her on. And then once you are pleasing her, that's how you get your confidence up. You're like, oh, I got this.

You know, she's feeling good right now. And then you'll be more focused on her pleasure. And then you won't have been in your head the last 15 minutes, getting undressed and then worrying the same thing's gonna happen again so Absolutely and also we know that you get nervous, especially like in our 20s like this guy's a nervous Women are nervous too, but they don't have to perform like men do they they feel like show up have an erection It happens Kyle so if it happens and you start to get nervous again just just say, you know, I want to take a few deep breaths here

Like I think you're so hot. I'm telling you to keep telling her how hot she is now attracted to you out And you just want to please her take a beat It's okay But I would ask what feels good to her next time again my head. I'm just gonna I'm just gonna go through and look at her and just do everything I can I'm gonna go down on her and just And just pleasure her until like I get the confidence to get in there. Yes. Exactly, Kyle.

That's what you're gonna do. That will work. I'm telling you, it's also a beautiful resolution here for the whole thing because I'm telling you, she, typically women, there's an orgasm gap. It can take women 20 to 40 minutes to have an orgasm get aroused But for men you know Kyle you know you get turned on and you're ready to go. Oh, yeah I I get aroused faster than anyone I know it's insane

Kyle yeah That's what happens. That's what's up. So this is just totally normal typical and You're exactly where you need to be at 21 years old. In fact, Mendo no longer is at 40, so. Thank you so much, Emily. Thank you for having me on for close-up. Of course, Dr. Beverly. Yeah, Kyle, thanks.

This is from Shannon, 21 in Kansas. Dear Dr. Emily, sometimes when I have sex with my boyfriend, my vagina stops getting wet. It'll start off wet, but midway through sex it starts feeling dry. I'll still feel turned on, but my vagina just, it's a wet. My boyfriend will finger me beforehand, but sometimes not long enough.

Could this be why? My boyfriend doesn't do much for a plane general, but from time to time, he will finger me for a good amount of time. But even if he does, it doesn't stay wet. What do I do? All right, Shannon. First, I think the problem is education.

This is why I'm a huge proponent of lube. Get some lube, just leave your lube out and just apply and reapply if you need to. Educate yourself in your partner and just know that using lube is protective first off because then you won't have any, you know, one more dry sometimes we tear and we can get infections. Lava owners are more likely to orgasm when we use lube and I'm just a huge fan of it. And also, our wetness level, while it's important, isn't always an indicator if we're turned on or not. And in fact, different times of month, maybe it's your cycle, we can be more wet at certain times and less so in others. Some were wet at the beginning of sex, but we're not wet at the end.

Everything you're describing, I think, that many, many vulva owners have experienced. Your boyfriend, you know, while he's putting a finger inside of you, you might need some other forms of arousal. You might need some kissing and you might need some slow-undressing. Maybe you, oral sex would be great for you. Because for so many vulva owners, the magic is happening externally. So sticking a finger inside of you right away isn't necessarily going to be what's going to keep you turned on. You might need some light touching outside on your clitoris, your labia. You know, using so he could put some a few drops of lube on his hands and start to rub you outside. Maybe that would really turn you on. So I think it's a combination of understanding that lube is your safety, just have it there, and also explain to your partner that maybe you guys could experiment with other ways of

pleasure and other ways of pleasing you, and then you get to learn when you're going to be turned on and most aroused. It's also not really safe for us to go right to penetration, whether it's for the finger or penis. A lot of Volvo owners need some patience, we need it to be slower. We want some care. And we don't want to just go from zero to penetration. We have Gary 41 in New Jersey. Hi Gary, what's going on?

How can I help you? Hi, how you doing? Hi, good. A long time listener. Getting someone new is about 12 years younger than me. Sex has been good. We get along great in person, but together, that she's got issues over my Instagram. I'm a big untold comedian.

Marine fitness, bodybuilding, very fit. Got a lot of followers. I follow people in the industry, I'll look at women in the industry, I'll look at this girls. And she's very jealous over that. She's freaking out now to them a pig i don't want to be with someone like that disrespectful to me

you like the pictures i'm like in front of health you know the fitness aspect yeah he's a good and some jealousy of course well that's her own thing that she's bringing to the table how long have you guys been together almost three months okay and she's twelve years younger so she's's in her 20s, you're 41.

You know, there's a thing, this is very common. I think we need a name for this right now because this is a condition that's happening because you remember back in the day, you wouldn't know who your partner was. There wasn't anything like this. You didn't know who they found or who they, whatever, but you're doing it for work.

But she's got some other insecurities that aren't coming from you. I'm sure she, she showed up like this, right? Maybe she was cheated on by a past partner. Maybe her dad cheated on her mom. She has some genuine mistrust. Yeah, that did happen. Her dad did get on her mom. Okay. So she doesn't trust me. She divorced. And that's the work that she has to do. You're not doing anything wrong. It's part of your business.

It's part of your, I would ask her, Gary, besides unfollowing everybody, what does she need from you to feel safe? Now, she could be saying unfollow these people, but you could say besides that, because it's business, you can't just if I have followed all my other sex educator friends, they'd be pissed.

They'd be like, why aren't you following me? Like I get it, it's part of community, it's part of what we do. it's part of our business, having an Instagram, having social media. So she's got a business. It's not a business, no, I'm in finance, it's my career. Okay, I'm very into working out, compete, stay champions, it's not coach people on the side. So I've been trying to build a brand, a brand, that's not bandling a branding, like you have a branding. Exactly, exactly. I got it. It doesn't matter if it's your business or your brand

or paying your rent, it's what you love. I get it. It's building a brand right now and we do what we got to do. So what I'm saying is you really like her. It's still really new, Gary. It's only been a few months and she's showing you who she is. I'm not sure that you're going to be able to convince her because if it's not the Instagram,

it might be something else. You didn't call me, you were flirting with the waitstep. I mean, has she done any therapy around this? Has she gone to therapy and realized that these are her wounds from her childhood? I mean, because you can't, I mean, unless you love her so much that you want to unfollow all these people and stop having active life on Instagram,

you know, some people do that in their cheating, right? Their partners find the DMs, they find the things, and then that is a problem. But I just think coming in after two and a half, three months together and saying, you're gonna cheat and you're a name calling. And also to do what she's doing to protect herself because she's scared and she probably really likes you.

Again, this is nothing to do with you, but maybe you could help her see that. But if she's got her my made up, and this is a deep wound, you could just say, what else can I do to make you feel safe? Is there anything else you need from me? Because I don't, I mean, what do you want to do, Gary?

I mean, would you be willing to, I'm sure she's going to say unfollow everybody. Would you be willing to do that? Which I've started doing, I thought I did it now on block, but it's Instagram saying you, physically or a bot, and you're a machine and blocking me now from doing

anything. Oh, yeah, they do that. Well, that's really sweet that you did that, but Duri, it's not about you. It's emotional maturity. So all I'm saying is she sounds like she's very controlling. I mean, if someone told me to stop following people or liking things, I would feel that was a sense of control. If I wasn't doing it, if I was like really invested in the relationship, it's just so frustrating,

because you're both coming at it with values that are very different or expectations. She expects that all men are cheaters. You're not that guy. So, yeah. I was trying to tell her, you're putting your passion punching me for it. If you just say, no, it's disrespectful's just respectfully giving attention to other women when you're with me by liking their pictures. And like she's stalking me on Instagram stalking everything. Well, it sounds frustrating, Gary. And I would have a talk with her.

Just remember my tips for easy communication, timing, tone, and term. This is from Camryus and he's 30. Dear Dr. Emily, I've been a fan of the show for almost a year now and I've heard this topic come up before. Many do not consider porn as cheating, but what about paying to see only fans content is that cheating? Okay, here's the thing about cheating. Every relationship, right? There's two view and a relationship, let's say you both get to decide what cheating is. What constitutes cheating? Is it talking to someone about an intimate issue?

I typically don't think that watching porn is cheating because masturbation is part of a rich and healthy sex life. But only fans is interesting because there's more interaction. If you're paying only fans and you're paying a particular performer to do something or to interact with you, that sort of might be crossing the line. And if it's something that you're afraid to share with your partner,

that leads me to believe that you yourself might not feel that great about it. What is it that you're getting from only fans that you don't think that you can get from your partner? So again, I think that having a healthy conversation, if you're in a relationship with someone that you feel close and intimate with, it's so freeing to be honest, it's so freeing to be open and say, hey, I've got this only fans account. And sometimes I flirt with this person and I pay some money to our account, but I want

you to know that it fuels my fantasy and my desire for you even more, so what it's doing for me is actually helping me be a better lover to you. So I think that this could be tricky for some people. Now there are people you could date that'd be like, do you boo, like, pay for whatever you want. Our sex is awesome. I don't care what you do when we're not together. So I think if you're asking me, you got some guilt around it, then it might you might need to want to look at yourself and say, why am I paying for this? What am I getting from it? And is anything that I'm getting from this

stranger, something that I could actually be getting from my partner? So take a look at yourself and take a look at the health and the honesty that's going on in your relationship. Alright, thanks for the email. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. Was it good for you?

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