Sex With Emily - 7 Steps To Breakup Recovery

Episode Date: February 17, 2021

Breakups! They can be painful. Losing a partner can feel like a mini-death, especially if you’ve spent time planning a future together. In this episode, I give my top tips for how to cope with a breakup and reground yourself. If you are struggling to move on after a breakup, following even one of these steps will help you recover.I also answer your questions with tips for giving better oral sex, sexy gift recommendations for long-distance relationships, and communication tools for expressing your emotional and sexual needs.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I think that all of us have the potential to be great lovers, attentive lovers. It's just our conditioning, our upbringing, the shame, the trauma, all the messages that makes us boring because I don't think anybody wants to be boring in bed. Nobody wants to be shut down when it comes to sex. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Hi everyone, if you're new to the show, I'm Dr. Emily Morse. I have a doctorate in human

sexuality. I'm a sex educator. I've been talking about sex for over 15 years. And my mission is to help you have those difficult conversations, whether we're talking about moving through a breakup, improving oral sex, the importance of lube, keeping things hot in a long-term relationships. We have a lot of episodes you can just go back and listen, subscribe. That's the easiest way to do it. Okay, breakups, I know, they can be painful. Losing a partner can feel like a mini death. Maybe you were planning a future together, I get it. In this episode, I give my top tips

for how to cope with a breakup and just re-ground yourself. You will survive. So if you're struggling to move on, I believe that following even one of these steps will help you recover. I also answer your questions with tips for giving better oral sex, sexy gift recommendations for long-distance relationships, how to figure out your own body for the first time perhaps, and communication tools for expressing your emotional and sexual needs.

All right, intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention. So what I mean is when you're listening, what do you want to get to listen to this episode? How could it help you? It could be, I'm still not over my X and I'm stuck. Well, my intention is to give you tools to pass an X or really any breakup in your life. It could be a job. Same thing as apply. And I want you to realize that we learn from all of our relationships. And I promise if you do the work, you will come out healthier on the other side. Enjoy the show. Let's talk about how to recover and heal from a breakup. A lot of you want to know the best tips for it. How do you move through it?

I'm going to start with an email from Joshua41 in Springfield, Oregon. Dear Emily, I broke up with my ex three years ago. We were together for over 11 years. We had great sex until I started my company. Over the years of being in business, I forgot how to be intimate with my ex. With her being gone, I'm not interested in my company succeeding anymore and I can't

move on. It's been almost four years since I've seen her, but I can't seem to let go. Why is that? Alright, Joshua, thanks for your question. Well, I've got a list here of my top tips for moving through a break up. And Joshua, you should check this list. Have you done all of these? If not, you might want to try it out. All right. The first step is to feel your feelings. We are all different. We are all different people. The way we experience

loss and breakups and the way we cope varies from person to person. But the important thing is to know how to actually lie yourself to feel and to grieve. And I just want to normalize it because we've all gone through breakups. You know that moment when you're going through a break up, tell me if you've done this, and I can tell you from experience, I've probably done it most of the times. I think I'll never get over this. Or I've made a mistake, and this person is the best thing that's ever happened to me. You know, is the pain going to end? I want to go back to him. And the best thing that's ever happened to me. You know, it was the pain gonna end.

I wanna go back to him. And so just know that's part of the process. But just remember, you broke up for a reason. And then I want you guys to acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve because a breakup is like a mini death. Even if the relationship was fraught with issues, it still can feel like a part of you is missing. Allow yourself to space and the time to cry

because crying provides, crying gives us a release that improves our mood and it helps you feel better in the long run. So if you haven't cried yet and you've just been busy distracting yourself, you're working more, you're sleeping with a bunch of people and you haven't shed the tears that you haven't felt the feelings, that's your first step. One more thing about feeling your feelings is that it feels like a withdrawal.

You are withdrawing from a drug because you're no longer getting all of those feel good, happy hormones, the endorphins, oxytocin that you were actually getting from your partner, from being with them, from touch with them, from sex with them. So think of it this way, remember that rush you had when you're falling in love and everything was amazing? Well, heartbreak sort of brings up the opposite feelings. So be patient with yourself, acknowledge it's normal to feel really bad, and I promise you

it doesn't last forever. My second step, call your friends, hang out with your people. The people that are good for you, avoid all those toxic energy suckers in your life. The people that make you feel worse after you hang out with them, don't hang out with those people. The people who build you up and you feel better and they support you, go towards those people. Your strong support network, friends, families,

loved ones, find those people, let them know what you're going through. Because the people in our life who care about us and want to support us, they're gonna know how to show up for you. They're not gonna say, well, let's go bang a bunch of people, let's go get wasted.

I'm not talking about those people. And remember to make plans. I know that on the weekends going through break up, sometimes the Saturdays or hard Sundays are the longest day ever. So get ahead of it. Get ahead of that empty time in your schedule. Make a plan with a friend or your family.

Volunteering just fills you up. You guys really volunteer. Give back. And let people know how they can help you. When it comes to these people in your life, avoid triangulation, avoid reaching out to your ex, their friends, you know, avoid reaching out to the mutual friends you had with your ex just so you can check up on them and everything we're doing, that's not part of the healthy community that I'm talking about. Next up is self-care.

I know, I know it's that self-care thing again, but invest in your physical health. Studies show that rejection. When we experience rejection, that actually causes you real pain. And it lights up the same part of your brain as if you broke a leg. So yes, you feel that you're in pain.

The best antidote to pain is being healthy and making choices that are good for you, like getting enough sleep, eating healthy, make yourself go for a walk, release all those endorphins, you need them now more than ever. Maybe start a new workout routine. You know, for me, working out is always so helpful. And it helps when I have an accountability partner, somebody who I'm going to work out with you on Mondays and Wednesdays, then I know I can't miss it.

So if it's been hard for you to start a routine, find someone to help support you. And here's my big don't for this category of self-care. Don't go on the road of self-destruction, parting, drinking, overeating, chain smoking, you know, all the... This is how you know. It's all the things that make you feel good in the moment and they make you feel like crap after. So everything in moderation, I'm not saying you won't go out for a few cocktails, but just

don't surround yourself with the toxic people, okay? Next thing is you've got to write it out. You just do, write it all out, journal. You can write about your feelings and all the good stuff that you liked, but kind of focus on the stuff that wasn't so great. A lot of times after we go out with someone, we focus on all the things we miss about them. And that's when we put them on a pedestal and we think of this euphoric recall. We somehow forget that they were slabs or they were never on time or they cheated on us. We forget all the bad things, and we're like,

but they were so, they made me feel so good. So instead of writing at all the things you're gonna miss, take time write all the things that bother you about your acts, including big things and little things. You know, if they weren't interested in talking about the future, and they didn't want to commit to you, write that down

for remind yourself of these things, and why it would never have worked anyway. I cannot tell you, write that down. Remind yourself of these things. And why it would never have worked anyway. I cannot tell you how important this is. This is a huge step. Because I've seen it too many times. It's you for a recall. We do it. So write it down remember. And then you can refer back to this list. And you're like, Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. The next step, cut ties with your ex. Just do it. Unfollow in social media, all the platforms, even Venmo. Okay, listen, you might have thought you removed everything, and then Amanda on my team said she forgot to unfollow on Venmo, and then she saw that he paid

some new woman for lingerie. It was heartbreaking. So be ruthless. Get rid of your ex's stuff. Remove the reminders in your house. I know you love sleeping with his old sweatshirt. I know you like the smell of her perfume in your bathroom. Trash it. It's okay to feel okay blocking your ex on all social media and getting rid of their stuff. And please don't spend extra time scrolling their social if you didn't unfollow them because I know that's hard to do are following their friends social media playing the shudda wooda could a game oh you could uh no because this is what I want to tell you oh one know can I be friends with my axe but we're just friends now you are not friends after a breakup. You are not you need to take at least 30 60 90 days with zero contact. It's the no contact rule.

I'm not going to go back on this one. I'm telling you I'm friends with many of my access. Like very dear friends, but we didn't go from lovers to friends. We took time away when we didn't talk. And that's hard. But the more that you're able to follow these steps, it though might feel like it's harder because you think, oh, I just want to talk to them. They were my best friend. You're just prolonging the pain. You're prolonging this period of mourning. So, cut them. And no, you can't be friends with the toxic exes. The narcissists, toxic exes, they're likely not going to change. Those are not the ones that are going to be your friends. The next thing is masturbation, self-love.

Take time right now to soothe yourself, find new orrogynous zones, places on your body that feel good. I mean, Natalie, is it good for you? Because again, we want to try to get as many feel good hormones as we can and orgasms do that for us. But you'll also be in a great place when you date again because you'll already be sexually connected to your body and then you get to sort of detach yourself from associating sex with your ex.

Because if you go right from your ex to sleeping with someone new and there's no in between self-loving orgasm, then you're just going to automatically associate sex with your ex. So get a new toy, treat yourself. Now rebond sex. If you're going to sleep with somebody right after, if you're using it for revenge, I'm going to sleep with their best friend or just a distraction, it's probably not going to work because you're going at it with

the wrong intentions. But if you are actually curious, like I'd like a new connection with someone else, I want someone else to touch my body. I want to practice all those things that you hear on the show, like, oh, me and my next relationship, I'm going to practice asking for what I want. I'm going to practice receiving. This can be transformative. I'm all for that kind of rebound sex. is receiving. This can be transformative. I'm off for that kind of rebound sex. And also, if you're with someone new, it's only fair to be honest with them about, hey, I'm going through breakup, not looking for anything right now. Be clear. Be clear, be clear, be clear. So my final word on a breakup is go at your own pace. A lot of people that want to know how long does it take to get over somebody, but I don't want to lock you into a timeline. And don't judge

yourself for how long it's taking. As long as you're working on yourself and you're healing and you're surrounding yourself with people who support you, you're engaging in new activities, you're going easy on yourself. We learned so much from going through pain and getting to the other side of it because we always get through it. I promise you, you will survive this pain, and you'll get through it. But the more distance we get from somebody, the more time that goes by, it'll be a lot easier to heal,

and it'll be a lot easier to feel that much stronger, and that much more evolved, and have a much more deeper internal knowing of yourself when you get into the next relationship. So I'm sending you all lots of love if you're going through this right now and I promise you, it only gets better. I'm going to take a quick break, but stick around. I'm talking to Casey about how she can learn to have an orgasm with her partner right after this. Let's talk to KC22 in Massachusetts. Hi KC.

Thanks for calling. What's going on? Hi. Hi. I'm just calling. I'm turning 23 soon and I actually recently got engaged, which I'm very excited about, but I Is concerned that something's like wrong with me, which I know I probably shouldn't say because I've never orgasmed before by myself or in it with a partner

And I've looked on the internet for advice and I feel like I've kind of tried everything the internet has to offer advice and I feel like I've kind of tried everything that it has to offer. Right. Okay, Casey, you do first off, nothing wrong with you, totally normal typical. A lot of us don't orgasm right away, it takes a little bit of time to get to know our bodies and stuff. So you have come to the right place. It's okay, Casey, it's all good. So you'd look on the internet, and what'd you find? I found a lot of like maybe it's in your mind kind of things like you're trying too hard which sounds like me. Yeah, I get it. So I'm trying to relax.

I'm a few glasses of wine before. And then the whole idea that you have to get used to your body before you can try to explain to somebody else what you like, which so far everything I've tried I've liked and I enjoy having sex is just I never get to that point. Okay. Is your fiance, what does he think about? Have you talked to him about, you know, your orgasms and pleasure and stuff like that? Yes.

I think he's confused too because I don't know what it takes for me. And so I don't want to say it's an uncomfortable subject, but it's one of those things that I'll bring up and he'll be like, what can I do to fix it? And I'm like, well, I don't know. Right, so it's a little... It might be because you guys... It's kind of a more suspension, I guess.

Well, I'm so glad you're not married yet, because this would be something great for you guys to tackle before you walk down the aisle. Here's the thing, Casey, it takes a little bit of time. And I hadn't had an orgasm of 23 either. And I really had to, like, and I thought something was wrong with me because my friends are like, kind of the same way.

They're like, you have never had an orgasm haven't you masturbated? I didn't even masturbate. I didn't even know to masturbate. I mean, it's really just a matter of giving yourself time to like, go in your room, use some lube, do you have lube? Oh, yes. Okay.

So lube is a really important part of orgasm for many women of all ages. So using some lube and then just, because it's about going slow and sort of using a light touch and sound about internal, like you don't really want to go in and start, you know, using your finger internally. It's really about touching, you don't really want to go in and start using your finger. Internally, it's really about touching and the clitoris and using a light tapping or moving your finger in circles or stroking up and down your labia.

All those areas are sensitive. The tricky part is keeping your mind engaged so you're not like, is that it? Is that it? Is that it? Because that's what happens and And then it's not sexy. So you could like listen to some audio or rotica where you could hear people talking sexy stories. He could do this with you.

I mean, he could just start to slowly sit there and touch you and stroke you and like look at you and just sort of just use his fingers. Make sure he's got clean hands and he just starts to it's a really light touch. Because what we learn in media is like, oh, I got to take a finger and go inside and start like, you know, stick it inside. But it's for most vulva owners, we need a really light, sensitive touch to sort of stroking around with like fingers and like the pads of the fingers. And then also your pelvic floor.

So you know the peace-stopping muscles, when you're, it's those muscles like, if you tense and relax those muscles sometimes when you're touching yourself, you're sort of like pumping the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. So you can kind of play with those that can also help increase arousal

by tensing and relaxing those muscles. It's really about, all of your senses. So if you can light your favorite candle, engaging everything and giving yourself permission to just explore and not just get there. You will get there. And also a toy is great, using a vibrator, you know, like something like the zoomio is a great toy for exploration. It sort of rotates.

I mean, we have so many nerve endings, so every woman's different about what makes her having orgasm. And it's about going slow. It's like a slow touch and knowing that you have enough time. And it might take 20, 40 minutes. Now, that's how long it takes women to have an orgasm. So it's really about patience and a build up. And you might not feel anything the first five ten minutes.

It's not a quick thing when getting out of your head like is this it? Is this it because you can't do that I'm telling you someone who did that for you. Yeah Way to in my head. Yeah, it's not clinical like that. It's not like you get it and then you're there and no one explains that to you And I've got tons of podcasts that might help you. You and your partner could listen together. I know that so many couples, email me and say, we listen together or you know, or you both listen separately and then discuss it kind of like a book club, but it's a podcast club because then you're going to start to hear these familiar messages about it takes a while to orgasm breathing using lube, your partner being patient.

Okay, thank you so much. Thank you. Of course, KZ. You got to have a great night. Let's talk to Rob 49 in California. Hi, Rob. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

Hi. Hi. I'm in the middle of ending a relationship. Okay. I've been together for five years. We live together. And it just turned out to be toxic. A lot of the traits that you mentioned in a previous podcast, she does that to me.

She gas lamps me, she flips things around like every time I say, like, hey, I want to talk about it to try to fix our problems. It flips out to all the things I do wrong. Why? If I have an issue or I'm stressing about something, it now becomes, my stress becomes something how it affects her. Not like how we can help me with my problem. And... Gaslighting, yep.

And then so she broke her leg and you know, she's been sitting at home and I've been taking care of her and the whole time taking care of her. It's like anything I try to do to help, I go right, she was wanting to go left. If I go left, she's like wanting to go right. And it's like so, you know, I was like, okay, you know, we got into a big argument, words were said or whatever, and I was like, you know what, I think I'm the best thing for me to go. So I'm in the process of doing that and her mom has cancer. And now all of a sudden, it's like it's getting, like she just sent me a text saying, bad news,

and things like that. Now, I feel like, I'm asked, because I'm leaving her with a broken leg, and her mom's sick ill. But I think it's just a head game. Yes, I think you're right. I mean, I think you know what's going on. You've been trying to leave her. There will always be that thing.

And the sooner you cut yourself from the relationship, she'll have to find other resources. She'll have to find friends to support her, you know, with her mother or her family. But that is not your responsibility to be her main source of care and emotional support, especially if the relationship is ending. You can still care for her, but the most caring thing you could do is to let her go.

That's what I feel like is the best thing because I mean, this are arguing is so bad. It's affecting her child. And I'm just like, I don't need to be here if I'm making things worse. Right. It's like really, you know, you have to say, you have to keep your boundaries. This is something new. The reason why we kind of get caught up in these things with people is because we don't have great boundaries because we're like, oh, I owe this to them or I need to be their

caretaker. I really love this person. I'm also to leave him morning alone with a broken leg. But you've already put your time into this relationship and you've already made the decision. I think that leaving a toxic relationship, it's never going to be without difficulty, without feeling like you're still tied to it, without feeling like there's something they're doing wrong.

But that's probably been how you have felt this whole time in many ways. And she might not hear you. You could write a letter. You could write an email. You could just say, but it's time for you. The best thing you can do is lovingly like detach. You said you're still living together? Yeah, like I'm going to move out tomorrow.

Oh, okay. This is like really fresh. I'm actually just driving just to clear my head. Oh, well, you came to the right place. I'm glad you called. I mean, it sounds like, do you have a place to go so you've a plan? Does she know you're leaving tomorrow? Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, it sounds like do you have a place to go so you have a plan? Does she know you're leaving tomorrow? Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it together. Like I have a place to go. I just, you know, I feel bad.

I mean, I feel bad. I know. I know. She is. But I just, but I also know it's a head game. It's a head game. It is a head game. And I know it's cancer and it's her mom and that's really scary. But you know, you've been down this road before. I love that you figured this out at 49 Rob and and you will find someone you will no longer be attracted to those types of people again, because now you have a name for it. It's just it's no longer, but you're at the final stretch right now. You're so close and she like pulled out one more thing, you know, and I'm really glad you're taking space right now and just driving and figuring it out because you've got to go in strong and protect it and say, this is what's

happening. I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm moving out. And I need you to surround yourself with people and I love you. And this is going to be healthy for both of us. I mean, there was always going to be a thing. There was always going to be something because that's why you've stayed so long because there's always something where she makes you feel bad. And I'm similar to that. I've been in similar situations where I do, I feel so bad, I feel guilt, I don't want to hurt someone. I think, oh God, but we're not responsible. We really are not.

We're all responsible for our own emotions and our own well-being, but you've certainly done the work to learn. Like you've put in hours in time and therapy and you'll find a healthier partner for you right now. Yeah. You can lovingly detach from her. Yeah.

Yeah. Hi. Thank you. Yes, of course. Thanks Rob. Thanks for calling. We got you. When we come back, I'm answering emails, including one from Megan, who's boyfriend wants

to break up after a bumpy sex talk. Megan 27 in Michigan writes, I decided to be open and honest with my boyfriend a four years today about wanting him to be more dominant assertive dirty when we have sex. We've barely had any sex the last year due to many factors, but a lot of it is how my needs are not being met. He's great, but he's boring. This ended in him not being mad, but wanting to break up due to us not being sexually compatible. Neither of us want that outcome, well, can be done to have my needs met without making him uncomfortable. All right, Megan, that's tricky, tricky, tricky.

You gotta have the sex conversation. When you're both hanging out, it's not after sex, it's not in the bedroom, it's sort of outside the bedroom, and it's about, hey, let's just talk about our sex life. It's okay to have a drink, maybe you're having a dinner and just say, I wanna talk about, you know, realize we have been having a lot of sex lately, and you know, I've realized that after four years together,

I have some needs, I have some cool things I'd like to try in the bedroom. Would you be open to spanking me, talking dirty? And I don't know if this is the first time you've told him. Because the other thing is, it's been four years. You stopped having sex the last year. And then to come out of the gate and say, we never have sex, you're not boring, you're not doing enough, I might break up with you too because you're blaming and you're shaming in a way, not that you meant to blame and shame,

but that's how you heard it because to back that up, if you've never talked about sex with your partner, and then I'll guarantee you that your partner is, if he's never talked about sex with you, he's probably never talked about sex with anybody. Probably didn't have sex education. Probably maybe was shamed for it. Growing up talking about sex, so it was never welcome. And then it's kind of shameful. It's kind of embarrassing, right?

We just don't talk about sex. It's how most of this world, at least definitely in America, is made up. So then you come out of the gate and you're like, we're not having sex, I need you to talk dirty, I need you to be assertive, and then he feels like, I'm out, I don't know how to fix this, I feel shamed, I feel awful, I want to be a great lover to you. And now I'm just like, how do I get out of this feeling horrible?

So I'm just gonna bail. So if you wanna make it work with them, you can sort of roll this back and say, let's just kind of go back to the basics here. What kind of sex really turns you on? What are the three most memorable time we've had sex? I can tell you my most memorable times we've had sex. Let me walk through with you, and this is not just a one-time conversation. This is an ongoing conversation that, you know, my goal is for couples to have it all the time.

And then it becomes fun once you get past the shame and the embarrassment and the him feeling inadequate and you feeling bad, that stuff goes away, you know. The problem with the sex conversation is that we all take it so personally and then it becomes an insult on our character and then we can't move past it. But imagine a world where we just talk about it all the time, right? Like all the time. And it just becomes part of our lexicon. We we just talk about it all the time, right? Like all the time. And it just becomes part of our Alexa com. We're just talking about it.

And so then when you bring it up, like, oh, I realized we didn't have as much sex last week. And I would love to have more. It's not like an assault on his character. I think what you're going to find is, you know, maybe he is a lot more interesting than you think. I think that all of us have the potential to be great lovers, to be great lovers, to be attentive

lovers. It's just our conditioning, our upbringing, our backgrounds, the shame, the trauma, all the messages that makes us boring, because I don't think anybody wants to be boring and bad. Nobody wants to be shut down when it comes to sex, but we don't have a lot of great role models or people doing it or examples, which is why I think a lot of you listen to this show, but what my world that I envision is that you all have these tools that you're disposal without me. So starting there, let's plan out the year, let's talk about it. You can apologize to him if you were his feelings.

And you could say, let's just start assuming that we're both coming from the same place. We both have the same attention. I want to be a great lover to you. You want to be a great lover to me and let's start from there. And then you might find out that he's really into some things and you're into some things. Maybe there's some places that overlaps. And just remember this, that if you've been telling your partner that you want to more dominate assertive and dirty, if he doesn't know how to do any of those things, he's going to say,

no, he's going to break up. He's going to want to leave because he doesn't know where to start. It feels awkward, embarrassing. How would he know? Maybe he grew up somewhere where it was like not cool to be dominant. Maybe it was, you know, all this talk with me too. He's like, wait, you want me to be a gentleman, but then you want me to talk dirty to you? Is that wrong? Is that right? There's all these, it gets very, very complicated. So start to break this down carefully with each other, would gently and be kind to each other and just say, we're both in this together.

It's like our caller earlier who's 23 getting married and never had orgasm and our partner's like a fixer. He's like, I don't know, how can I help? And she doesn't know and then he doesn't know. And then we're left on our own, but you don't have to be the only one leading the charge in your sexual relationship.

You both are in it together, make it a fun project. A lot of us are home right now. We can't really be going out and doing the same things. Why not decide that 2021's gonna be the year of pleasure? And I have a prediction that with all of the suffering that's been going on, mental health, physical health that we are just going to need a lot more Guidance to going towards our own pleasure. It's not he'd nistate me to can be he'd nistic. It's not wrong. It's not selfish It's actually a requirement and we have lives that are mostly about pain and suffering and fear and not a lot of pleasure

That's not a world. I want to live it at all So can we just all assume that our partners want to be great lovers? They want to meet our needs. They want to please us because I mean, is that how you started out? I don't think so. And then we just get tangled up along the way in resentments. This happened and that happened and eventually your sex life is dead. But I don't think that we want to start from that place. So start over, rebuild, start building it now. Just trust that maybe you haven't done it in a way

that you could hear. So what you gotta do, that's what I'm talking about. Dear Dr. Emily, any naughty suggestions to send a boyfriend as a solo use gift, toys, loops, et cetera, we live long distance? Well, I've often said this is the best time to be in a long distance relationship because even before the pandemic, I kept saying there's so much great technology right now to stay connected to a partner.

So if you want to send them something naughty, solo gift, check out the arc wave. It's the world's first pleasure-air stroke or think womanizer for Volvo's, you've all heard out the arc wave. It's the world's first pleasure air stroke or think womanizer for vulvas. You've all heard about the womanizer. They just made one for a penis. And you'll experience a new type of orgasm, you pulsating air waves that stimulate the frenulum, which is the underside of the penis. I've seen the arc waves are great to it. You could each get a wee vibe toy. You could get the moxie. You could get them the verge, which is a great penis ring.

And then you guys could launch the We Connect app and you could chat on their app, which allows you to see not only see each other, but also control each other's vibrators. Just go to their website, go to our website, sexathomely.com and check out all of our toys. I was in my care package of Lube. You could get them some on pure lube, which is a great bottle to use for masturbation or through toys. You could send them a

picture of yourself. If you if you trust them with naked photos, you could send them some of your underwear that you've worn. You could write him a rottica. You could actually hand write him a letter about your fantasies, about telling that you remember about your last sexual experience, about how much you want to see him. It's really hot for our partners to read something that we've written about our sexual experiences. Super hot. So that's what I recommend for you and good luck with the long distance. This is from Jake 20 from Prague, from the Czech Republic. Dear Dr. Amali, I'm a recent listener to the show and I'm loving it.

I've already learned so much and find that your show is helping me feel more confident with my sexuality. I'm a big giver and I've been told in the past by partners I'm good at oral. However, with my current girlfriend, I don't seem to be able to do the trick. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that she has a bigger hood over her clitoris, and I don't seem to hit her clit as well. We talked about this, and this seems to be the problem.

For example, it took me a while to finger her because I did notice the bigger hood. It was unsure what to do. I was wondering if you have any tips for the specific challenge and for giving better oral in general. I also want to know how I can get her to masturbate. The reason I think it's important is that she's never had an orgasm does not know how to guide me. She's told me she's nearly orgasm with me, but then something will switch in her head

and she won't get there. I thought perhaps she would benefit from masturbating and learning what works for her own, but she's weirded out by the idea. All right, Jake, thank you for your question. So I love that you're in your 20s and you're asking this question. Yeah, I think you're totally right that it is important for her to masturbate. You know, I feel that everybody needs to masturbate because that's how we're going to learn our body. Now, maybe she grew up in an environment where it was shamed or she, they said she shouldn't masturbate and it seems it can be very intimidating.

It can be a scary thing to do. Where do I start? So just saying, hey, getting a room in masturbate when she's never done it is tricky. So we have a ton of posts on our site about masturbation and episodes and maybe if she just learns some beginner tips that would help her. I also recommend mutual masturbation. Perhaps you can masturbate, and then she masturbates alongside of you with you encouraging her and being there with her

and her just exploring and going slow and using lots of lube. And you mentioned her larger, literal hood. I don't see why that would actually preclude you from being able to put a finger inside of her, but I think using a mirror, maybe getting a mirror and you both look, you know, you can kind of roll the map her, if you will. Take your hands, well, she's lying back and you guys could use a mirror and kind of

explore her body. So she understands what goes on down there. It's truly amazing. If you've never taken a mirror and looked, you're going to realize it like when you try to touch yourself slowly that it swells. And sometimes the clitoral hood retracts. And then you'll see the clitoris comes out. It kind of blooms like a flower because the blood starts to flow.

And then you start to feel more turned on. And for many vulva owners, it starts with slow touch, deliberate touch with lots of lube. The mutual masturbation part is cool because then you could each, again, going back to that, you could guide each other. You know, maybe you don't masturbate, but you focus on her and you kind of guide her along

so she feels safe. Another thing I recommend is the Kivin method. And that's a great oral sex tip that you can find on our website at sexwithemily.com. And essentially it's a process of oral where you're lying perpendicular to her body. So you're lying from her like thigh to thigh, you're not like going from her head to toe. And you're taking your tongue and you're able to spread across a larger surface area. So from thigh to thigh, you're covering more clitoral nerves that way. So you're hitting the outer labia, the inner labia, the clitoris.

Then the next side, the outer labia, the inner labia, your teasing her thighs. It just gives you a little bit more access and control. And again, that's K-I-V-I-N. Check that blog on our website. It's worked for a lot of people. But I'm not really hearing that you need better oral sex tips or different oral sex tips. I'm more hearing that we have to allow your girlfriend to feel empowered and to start to understand her own body and get over any shame or discomfort she has around

masturbation. Again, the great thing is that you're in your 20s and it's never too late to start learning, but I'd say that this is a great time to start. Definitely invest in some lube. You can also try some toys, but I would just roll back, start with a mirror, start with looking, playing, and taking off the pressure. And remember, have fun with this.

Have fun. She's got a breath. Go slow and continue the healthy communication. You sound like a great guy and I feel like you're both going to get there. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Family. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

Believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too. We really show on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. And I've been told I give really good newsletters. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and don't forget to check out our blogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating or relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com

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