Sex With Emily - A Breath Away From Better Sex

Episode Date: December 2, 2017

On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls and giving you tips to help you have more mindful sex that’s actually mind blowing! Emily’s helping callers move past relationship betrayal and back into intimacy, how to get past retrospective jealousy, whether or not you should avoid getting busy before a big race, and how to get the most pleasure out of pleasuring yourself. Plus, she reminds us how to get out of our heads, and enjoy sex to its full capacity. Breathe deep and tune in! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Fab Fit Fun, Sportsheets, Womanizer, Magic Wand Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls and talking all things sex and relationships. Tapicks include tips to make mindful sex more mind-blowing, can avoiding ejaculation improve athletic performance, ways to pass betrayal in a relationship, and how to stop obsessing about your partner's sexual past that you can truly be present. All this and more, thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. that it's hard-broken, anything she kind of kills. The girls got to understand it. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, though? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything

in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com, check out our podcasts, our blogs, we're updating the site every day. That's really a good time over there at Sex with Emily. You can also subscribe to the podcast, and here's the thing, guys. Also, we did a really fun show a few weeks ago today.

I think you're gonna like it. It was with my amazing team, and it was really fun. It was called a Sex Toy Review or a GASMIC Proportions. And we talk about our new favorite toys this year, I think you're gonna like it was with my amazing team and it was really fun. It was called a sex toy review of orgasmic proportions and we talk about our new favorite toys this year while we love them. We give advice about like navigating sex toy etiquette.

How do you bring it into a relationship? If your partner's kind of weirded out by a toy, we walk you through all of that and you can also check out the video on our sex with Emily Facebook page. You can see exactly what we're talking about. So that was a super fun show and we released two shows a week. So I hope you're enjoying all of them. got the video on our Sex with Emily Facebook page, you can see exactly what we're talking about. So that was a super fun show and we released two shows a week, so I hope you're enjoying

all of them. Follow me on social media, which I love. I love hearing from all of you. It's at Sex with Emily on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, and we'll be doing some contests too coming up in December, so you guys can get some great presents for the holidays because we're all about spreading pleasure. Enjoy of course. So this morning, you guys, I was doing some breath work

and some meditation as I often do in the mornings. I'm getting better, it's ticking with my morning routine. I know it's not easy, we're all really, really busy. And do you feel like if one more person tells you to do yoga or to breathe or meditate, like you're gonna punch them? I get it, okay. I get it that it's ever really, be just be mindful, just slow down.

I have a team here who holds up notes during the show and tells me to slow down, okay. So I get it, okay? I get it that it's ever really, just be mindful, just slow down. You know, I have a team here who holds up notes during the show and tells me to slow down, okay? So, I get it, right? I was thinking this morning though, it really does help to take a few minutes every day, to kind of just ground yourself and to just kind of be more mindful. And when you are more mindful and present in your body, it can actually also make sex better. So, I'm going to share some tips for you about how this kind of work across the board to

get out of your head and start to enjoy sex. But I know that everyone's talking about this lately and it's kind of like the catch all the like, well, you should just meditate. And you're like, how the hell am I gonna meditate? I don't have time. You know, either the kids are screaming, I'm always late for work, I press this news button.

But I'm gonna ask you to open your mind and to just think about this, that there's a reason why everyone's talking about it. And you might not have found the way that meditation and breath works for you yet, but there's no right or wrong. There's not like you have to do it for 20 minutes or for 30 minutes a day.

It's not about that, it's more about just like trying, trying to quiet your mind, to focus on breath, to kind of let a lot of those thoughts go away in your head for five minutes, 10 minutes a day, I know that you will see a massive difference in your life. So for my routine, which I'm always kind of honing, I've been doing meditation for years, and I'm gonna be honest with you,

I did this meditation which you 20 years ago, and it has taken me a really long time up until probably the last year and a half where I actually have made it work so I can do it every single day. Not that I wasn't doing it over the years, but I've actually been able to recognize the benefits and that came from me being more leaning on myself that it didn't have to be an hour

in the morning and hour in the night, or it didn't have to look a certain way, kind of like sex. I think a lot of us are worried that we're not having sex the right way, I know we are, but let me share more of this with you. So I started to meditate more in the mornings, and I also realized that the combination of meditation and breath and movement, whether you're just like breathing in your pelvic floor through this, and you are doing some stretches and breathing, whether you're just like breathing in your pelvic floor through this and you are doing some stretches

and breathing into your body for just a few minutes, it can make a huge difference and help with sex. So our brain is the largest sex organ because that's where we start to think about sex and then our body can get turned on. Or we need to appeal to our minds and times to get in the mood for sex. But our mind is often very, very distracted, right?

We're caught up in so many other things. A lot of my friends always ask me, only how can you just help me? I had to stop thinking about my to-do list during sex so I can really get into the moment. So I'm gonna give you some tips here. And even if you just did one of these things, the meditation or the breath,

I promise you that it's gonna start helping you and also help you with your sex life. So maybe you've been feeling like a lot of pressure, you know, to orgasm or sex might not be as interesting to you anymore. It probably means that you just have to do some more work on yourself. Especially because a lot of you are always saying like, I can't get out of my head during sex or I'm overthinking this or I'm worried that my partner's judging me or I low self-esteem or body image issues or I come too quickly or I can't come at all or I can never have a

G-spot orgasm again or whatever it is because we're in our heads. And so these exercises will help you get out of your heads. You can get into your body and truly, truly enjoy sex because most of what's keeping us from having the sex you want is ourselves. How great is that? Like there's really nothing else to blame. It's the way our minds work. And so if we do some of these things, it's going to help us kind of control our minds,

not have that the other way around where our mind is controlling us. Because really good sex requires a lot of mindfulness. That's another key term, like being mindful and being present. And so if you can learn a few of these tools on your own, you can start to incorporate them during sex. So for example, meditation. There's a lot of great ways to learn to meditate easy ways. You don't have to go to Thailand and sit for 10 days in silence.

There's a few good apt out there. There's one called headspace. A lot of people use that they really like. I know people have been like, it's like been life changing for them. You can just set your timer on your phone for 10 minutes earlier in bed. You can lie there in bed and breathe. I like insight timer that that app to it's a free meditation app and they've all these guided meditation. So just sit and just start you guys start with five minutes three minutes and if you can't do it in the morning You could do it on your break. Let me tell you what meditation does. It allows you to stop those thoughts You learn to just kind of let them go you watch some float past you like a balloon and you go back to your breath And even if you do it a hundred times in five minutes, which you probably will it takes a really long time to stop those thoughts You'll realize that there's this place of mindfulness of being present and you can once you get into the habit of doing

this, you can actually do that during sex when you find that your mind's worrying about the to-do list, you can go back to your meditation. So that's why this is important. The other thing is breathing. It's funny because breath is like this, another huge buzzword. I'm wearing a necklace around my neck right now that says breathe on it. People get tattoos on their wrists and say, breathe. And you're like, okay, guess what? If we don't breathe, guess what happens? We die. You're dead. Really? But yet, we have reminders of, because we hold our breath during the day and we speak from our chest up, we don't actually breathe fully through our body. Like deep breaths like that. We actually do, the chest breathing, it's like the fight or flight, but learning how to breathe in like through your pelvic floor.

So during your meditation, I do this at the end. I'll do like five minutes or three minutes of really, really deep breaths that run through my body and through your pelvic floor and back up again. That's important because it's going to awaken all your sexual organs that you might not be that connected to. You might not as a text in a world, but it kind of wakens up that whole part of your body. Here's the other thing about breath. Yes, it's great for tantric sex. I've talked a lot about that lately. How partners can kind of consciously sync up their breath and like deepen it together

as a way of intensifying and extending their sexual experience. But it's not just about that. If you've ever experienced like trauma or dysfunction or you're just harboring things in your body, you don't even know what they are. The more that you breathe, deep, deep breath work and you can take courses on this, there's stuff you can do online. You actually can release trauma and release memories

and things from your body when you consciously breathe. And once you start to do this practice, you actually in your day to day life, you'll realize like, oh, I'm holding a breath and you'll like start to breathe. So it's interesting that it's something we got to remind ourselves of because without it, we'd die, but it's worth of help focusing on it. And also, again, during sex, you guys, we hold our breath during sex and we hold our breath when we get anxious or we hold our breath, you know, a lot of ways.

When we start to breathe during sex, if you're ever like in your head too much and you breathe, you'll get back into your body and back into connect with your partner. The inner monologue during sex also, the inner monologue that we have that we're thinking like, am I going to have an orgasm? Is it going to happen? Is he going to touch me? Where are we going to touch me? Does she like my penis?

Does she not? We have this whole dialogue going on, which is, we all wonder where we're not having satisfying sex. This is where that meditation comes in. When you're able to turn off that inner critic, that audience, it's in the moment that's narrating things in a really negative way. When you learn to shut that off and replace it with the meditation and the mindfulness or the breath or whatever it is that you go to in that moment, when you're able to do that and bring your mind back to the moment,

you'll realize that you can truly be present with your partner again. You can take yourself back in a moment by just breathing or meditating. That those thoughts they're just gone and eventually it'll become a habit and you're able to sink into the moment and become present with your partner during sex or during masturbation. And finally guys tune into your sensuality. By the most basic of all definitions it means like pleasing or fulfilling your senses. So the other thing is when you're having sacks or just start practicing your day-to-day life, when you tune in to sight and sound and touch and smell and taste, you're really present.

And it brings you into the moment because you're like, what does it smell like in here? What does it taste like? So when you're having sacks, when you're making love, when you're with your partner, you can focus on your sensuality and make that a priority. So focus on like, what are you smelling in the room? What are you tasting? What are the sensations along your skin that you're feeling with your partner? That's why it's great to also send an environment during sex where you have candles that smell

really good. You play with different fabrics because the more that you tune into your senses, that's also another reflection of mindfulness. Because that's really what sex is about is indulging in these sensations and creating more euphoric sensations and being aware of what you have going on around you. Because when your mind is focused on specifically like, wow, my partner tastes really good or smells good or wow, their hand feels great and my arm and you're feeling it. You can't do two things at once.

So you can't be worried about your body image and worrying that your partner's gonna notice that you have this weird mole. If you're thinking about, God, this tastes so good. My partner smells amazing. You just can't have both of those experiences at once. It can, it cancels it out. So again, this is a practice and the more you go back to it

in the moment, you're gonna realize, like, oh wow, I really am enjoying sex more. So those are a few tips, tuning into your senses, turning off that inner monologue, breathing, and meditating. I feel like these things have really, I've found a way to make them work for me over the years and I can share more about my little morning routines that I do that kind of set me up for the day.

But I wanna hear from you, email me, feedback at sexwithelmie.com and let me know how this has worked for you, if you have any questions around it, and again, all about gonna help you getting into your body and out of your head. You can have better slicks. Now we're on to your calls.

If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, that's amazing. We made it really easy to ask a question. Just choose the option that's easiest for you. Text me your question. Text Ask Emily, all one word to 7979 or you can submit a question from the sexwithmwe.com website via the Ask Emily tab. And as always, I love it when you include information that helps me answer your question best, your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show,

and also check the box that you'd like to be called and we'll call you on a future caller show. Okay, we've got Valerie, she's 31 from Texas, and she has a lack of stimulation when she's touching herself. We're going to talk about it. Hi, Valerie. Welcome to the show. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I'm so good. I'm talking to you. Tell me what's going on. Well, it's been a long, long thing, but I've just never really put too much thought into it, but it recently in my relationship, he's just kind of brought it up, and I guess I've been ignoring it all this time, because I don't know how to deal with it. But when he touches me, it's great. It's awesome.

It's what it should be, you know? But, you know, he just would like, he asked me once if I could just kind of stimulate myself, because he would like to see that and you know I do it I give him the show but To be honest, I just don't feel what I feel when he touches me right? I'm just like it just kind of confuses me. Oh, okay. I feel like there's No, no, no, no, I'm so good to call so have you ever masturbated before? Oh, yes I yes, but you know. So have you ever masturbated before? Oh yes, I have. But I figured maybe that's my problem.

So I've been doing it more and more and watching more porn to see how other masturbate because maybe I'm doing it wrong. I've also seriously thought that maybe I have no idea. But I was listening to one of your episodes about childhood and how sometimes through your experiences with your parents can lead to shame when I got to sex. Absolutely. So that got me thinking about it. I was like, wait a minute. You know, my mom, she caught me masturbating once or twice. And she, I was really young. And she was just like, no,

no, no, don't do that. It was like a huge thing and she was, you know, raised me as a Bible beater. I was living, that was my first question for you. I literally was going, I'm so glad you brought this up because I was going to ask you about your formative experiences here around sex in your home because I kind of got that, I don't know, from you talking about it, so it feels like there was shame, but so calm your breath. Don't do it. They tell women that angi, like dirty, don't touch yourself.

And so that's probably a message that you took into it. Right, yeah, so calm and like that. It all takes us one time, right? And then it's like, it feels bad. Yeah. Yeah, honey, that's what happens. That's what I'm saying. How great that you realize this.

And now we release it. I'm really glad that I found your podcast because I never really put too much thought into it. And so, you know, you were talking about it. And I was like, oh my gosh. Wow, I'm so glad. This is a thing. This is a real thing.

This is such a thing that you can't believe it's more of the thing. It's the biggest, I would say, that shame and the way we grew up around sex is probably one of the biggest factors that contributes to people's dissatisfaction with sex. And inability to have the sex life they want is because of these early messages. I would say that's one of the main factors. So good for you that you realize that, because now we can retrain your brain, we can release it, we can have you have a healthy experience

around masturbation. Because it sounds to me like that's what's going on. I would say it's okay to watch porn, maybe to get turned on, but not to see the way, if you've already masturbated before and you know how to touch yourself, and you know what makes yourself feel good, right?

I think that's it. I think that I don't know how to touch myself. Oh, okay. I lost my mind because growing up, I masturbated, I mean, it's a little embarrassing, but I mean, I've just done it, I guess a little different, I just kind of grind on things.

That's not different, that's totally normal. That's what people do. I do my hand. Yeah, that's great. No totally wrong that's what people do my hand yeah that's great no but that's what women do they touch their hands they grind on the couch they know they they lean up against the water in the tub you know everything yeah so so so but so I'm confused right now though to tell me what's happening right now with masturbation when you when you're alone you're doing the things that you

were doing it as a kid and it doesn't feel good or have you stopped masturbating since you were kid because of the messaging. No, I've never stopped masturbating. It's just that I've always done it the way that it's worked for me, which is grinding it on the bed, on the sheet, whatever. And now that he's brought it up about me giving him a show, I'm kind of like, okay, I'll give it to you. I'll give you the show. But I'm just like, am I supposed to be feeling like I know I'm supposed to be, you know, turning myself on. I got it. There's nothing going on down there. Right, because it's a whole new way to touch yourself.

I would say you could, when you're alone on your own, start playing with yourself in ways that just are different, maybe like use a mirror and hold up and kind of look at yourself and see what areas are like getting a rat. It can be a really cool thing to like lay back and be like, wow, look when I touch myself here, my clitoris gets aroused. Or look at my labia by lips or, you know, the labia in our outer labia are really sensitive. I didn't know that. So you can kind of use it as like exploration to start figuring out what,

you know, how you want to touch yourself and what makes you feel good. And yes, maybe looking at porn could help you a little bit. But I would say, you know, we've got some great stuff on our website as well, posts about how to actually touch yourself. Like women experiment, you know, like, do you want like up and down movements, do you want circular movements on your clitoris? The good news is you know how to make yourself orgasm and you just did it like grinding yourself

on the bed. But here's the other thing. I think you would think it was hot to see how you touch yourself grinding on the bed. Why couldn't you show them what you already do? I know he wants a show, but believe me, when he's asking you that, it is so hot for him to see that you know how to turn yourself on. He's not going, I wish she was laying back on the bed and had flower petals around her, and it was perfectly, but you know, he's like, wow, she really knows her body, knows how to get off and that's really sexy.

I think you're giving the confidence to show them what you're already doing is perfectly fine. And it's also great to continue to explore and learn new things, always. Because if we just master the same way our whole lives, I think that we will miss out on like learning other Roger's sounds and other parts of our body that turns on. Okay, so there was this study,

then this is just kind of the things that gets you going. So when we hang up, you can go go in your room and you know, start playing with yourself masturbating. We're excited. The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, they asked a thousand women aged 1894 about their sex lives and sexual touching preferences, you know, no surprise, many reported penetration alone was not enough to achieve orgasm. The key was literal and other stimulation techniques.

So here's what the women said, they liked the best, right? Most women preferred light to medium touch, while only one in 10 women said they liked firm pressure. Like this is on their, you know, clitoris simulation. The preferred shape slash style methods that were popular were side to side. We're talking about like side to side. And your clitoris like up and down and circular emotions in or in the vicinity of the vagina.

And other styles like tapping and even being pushed together like a sandwich, we're on the list. So there's some... Yeah, right? Go push them together, play with it. So, those are some tips to get you going there. And I say just do you go there. There's so much to do.

So I know, right? Who knew? And I think that... Yeah, I think that you and your partner will really enjoy it. You could even have new this with you. Yeah, you're welcome. Good luck to you. How do you got this? It'll be fun.

Have a great night. Thanks. You too. Thank you. Bye. You're welcome? It'll be fun. Have a great night, thanks. You too, thank you. Bye, you're welcome. It's like we all are walking around with these vaginas and we do knock it in the instruction manual and it just like couldn't have been nice and that's what I'm trying to do here.

I'm trying to help you all out. It's okay that we don't know how it works but I think it's great that we've got a lifetime to figure it out. Different touching techniques, different ways to explore your body is important every time you meet, not every time you master it, but if you feel like, yeah, that actually inspired me.

I've never pushed my lips together like a sandwich. You might wanna try that next time. Why not? We have to hear, he's 28 from North Jersey. North Jersey. Love it. He wants to know, does getting some action before running race effect

performance, hi to here. Hi, I'm way out of going. Good, how are you? You're running a marathon. I love it. Yeah Emily how's it going? Good how are you? You're running a marathon. I love it. Yeah I've been writing my whole life but you know I've been doing marathons about seven years ago. Wow. I've always had this dilemma of like whether I masturbate the night before or if I you know have sex the night before if it's gonna actually pin your performance at all during the actual race because I Google that I'm actually conflicting to use and I'm still not sure

and since you're the expert I'm so glad you called because you know this actually has been debated and the thing is that I don't think that there's one way to go because everyone's body's different so for some men like they might be like oh yeah when I when I don't you know because here's the here's the series right the theories are you hold, if men hold back on ejaculation, right? And that's a, you wait three weeks or something and you build up that like, energy in your body and that kind of like aggression. It can kind of re-channel your energy into more like, focus or kind of help you perform better

if you wait to release to like, let's say, after a big race or a big meeting. Yeah, right? And then there's also people say like, oh, if you ejaculate before a race, your testosterone levels are gonna be higher and you'll have more energy to compete better. So what I think you could do is test it not on race day, but I'm like your long run days. I used to run marathon since this was one of my days.

You know, test it on like our next long run day and be like, okay, I'm really gonna like, I'm going to have sex for this amount of time tonight or whatever ejaculate and see how it feels and then have it where you wait and you don't ejaculate at all and then you do it the day after that long race. So I would play with it. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, because you know, mostly it came because I was actually feeling anxious about you know how like your mass reading helps relax your business too. Yes. I'll give it a try and let you know how it goes. Please do. I would love to hear how it goes. Yeah. Good luck to you with the race. Yes. So, I'll give it a try and let you know I'll go. Please do. I would love to hear all goes. Yeah. Good luck to you with the race.

Okay. Bye. Have a good night. Thank you so much. You spent right here. When you say, oh, thank you. I love hearing from you. All right.

Let me know I'll go to the race. Thanks to here. Sure. Thank you. I'd like to appreciate it. Bye. It's interesting. We're going to be talking more about this about ejaculation and the coming weeks with men, but there are some love studies out lately

that do talk about male ejaculation and the more that you like men in their 30s and 40s and they're 40s, like ejaculating once a month might be more ideal and like learning how to actually have orgasms without actually ejaculating is another practice. I know it seems crazy, but for a lot of men, they found that it really does help their focus,

their concentration It's like that, but not you know again. It's not for every man. It's really not so I'm interested in this topic And we will continue to talk about it on the show. This is the other thing about sex There is not a one-size-fits-all so that's why you really have to just figure out what works best for you It's an individual you know process how you like to touch yourself what turned you on You all know that you guys get to decide your own sexual roadmaps, which is great. We're going to take a quick break and give a shout to our amazing sponsors. We love them. Thank you for supporting them and we'll be right back.

Okay, we've got Natalie. She's 31 from Colorado, and she wants to know what can a couple do to get sexual intimacy back after a betrayal. Hi, Natalie. Thanks for having me. Hi, I'm good. Sounds like you're going through a lot now. Let's tell me a little bit about where you're at with this betrayal and it can help. So two months ago, I discovered my husband was having a affair with a co-worker. It was

emotionally and sexual in nature. We've been together for nine years, married for four. So we're in marriage counseling now, doing with the betrayal itself. There's got to pass what occurred and I've moved on to forgiveness. The deep roles of anger are less existent now, but we haven't had effects since I caught it. Of course, that makes sense on a year too much. I don't know how much time. Yeah.

And that effect is incredible, the important to him. I would say that it needed given opportunity, he would have it multiple times a day. And I can't do it that often. I'm more of a two to three times a week top. So, but I can't even think of having any sex with him right now. I'm not feeling emotionally attached or trustable at all.

I absolutely understand that, honey. I mean, you gotta go, it's been two months. So, I want to hear about your counseling. You said you went to counseling. I mean, I'm surprised. Seriously, when I'm hearing you talk right now, the fact that you said you're already moved past this and moved past that I mean, there's a lot of people there's different stages of this and I'm not so sure that you passed all those because that would be REC that means you guys have been in therapy every single day since it happened or twice a week since And so I want to know how long the lab actually unless you know, I don't know. Yeah Yeah, I'm actually a huge lover of therapy, and I'm doing it my entire life, and critically for where we get time and social help books.

I'm also a very rational and logical person, so I was able to move past the emotional parts, not really quickly exactly, but we have been in therapy for the two full months that we've been going Okay, great. I mean, I definitely have it. I've forgiven what he's done Okay, I can't I'll never forget it. Of course not. I always know that he could do that to me And that he can life me. So I mean, I think that's what's holding me back Absolutely, you've lost trust you've lost, you know, it's been a, um, mar on your intimacy and you're nine years together. You've built. So like, that's all really

real. And to feel safe again, to open up and to be sexual, which is such a vulnerable thing, you know, you're not feeling protected and safe yet, which totally makes sense because, you know, couples need to, you know, when this happened to the portrayal, it's all about rebuilding trust. And that is just, that's a lot of work. So I'm so happy to hear that you like, went right into therapy once a week, really, really important. But as far as rekindling intimacy,

I hope that you go easy on yourself and you give your kind yourself around this because it is going to take time for you to feel like you even trust him again, to have him touch you and feel sexual. So it's not even about times a week and that it's, you guys times a week and that the, it's you guys gotta rebuild the way you're having sex too.

So first of all, it's okay to take sex off the table. I agree that intimacy is really important. So maybe you guys could slowly rebuild through like holding hands, touching, massage, and not even have sex at if you're not ready. Because you're already talking about three times a week, you want to do that. You can't jump right back into the sex either,

just like you can't jump back into the relationship. Right. And I'm one of those. I require that emotional attachment. Of course. In order to get satisfaction from sex. So right now, I just don't feel emotionally attached. I don't like the logical part of me has kicked in and she's protecting me.

Right. Well, you're super proud to hear it. The emotional part of me has no pity for her situation. Right. Well, how does it feel just to be intimate? What if you guys hold hands that you cuddle? We, I have been trying to give more physical gestures of affection on sexual ones. I did the five level, which is the figure.hins physical touch.

Okay. I'm really trying to drive home that intimacy and sex are completely different things to him. And that I, I mean, even before this all happened, that wasn't satisfied. Why would you do this? Because I was emotional intimacy, but I get from him.

He just, and right now on therapy we're really working on him, like putting his emotions in the word, like, feeling his emotions, not just shoving them all the time, like, toxic masculinity, his top mendidil. Right. So, um, I just, I, I'm wondering if there are things that I can do to kind of help open myself up more for that in the future.

I mean, obviously it's not gonna happen anytime soon. I don't know why. I don't know why. But in your experience. Yeah. Well, you're telling me that before this even happened, your sex life was what? Was it?

Yeah, it was just, I was like freaking with it. I was like, I was like, just, it was just such a routine. I mean, I've always taken care of my own needs, like, proponent of toys, but I just,

I never felt like I was his focus. I never felt like I, like, he was there to meet my needs. It was always me doing something for him. Sexually. Yeah. Well, this is a great way to enter them because I'd say this is the time that you get to ask for what you want and figure out what you want and demand that you get that in bed.

I don't think it's about meeting his checklist of three times a day or whatever he wants. I'd say that's not going to happen. But what a great way you guys are rebuilding everything else. Why not rebuild your sex life as well? Like it can't go back to how it was and you didn't even like how it was. You get to start new now. You get to start fresh, and you start to say, you know what? I feel like, you know, there's these things that I'm going to need from you.

Now, here's the thing. It's communicating about this stuff. You know, we talk about this a lot on the show. You can't just be like, you could need to go down on me more. Whatever it is that you require from him. Are you able to explain to him what you need to feel cared for sexually right now? Yeah, I mean, I could definitely put it into words. And I have before, I think it's just doing it in a way that where he doesn't feel like

I'm being critical of him. Right. And in a way where he feels like he's getting something out of it too. I just, I think that we went on autopilot for so long and it made it so easy for him to do this to go outside of our mirror. Right. And you weren't asking for what you wanted either then. You were not satisfied.

So in a way, do you care about sex, right? Like you like sex, do you want to have more fulfilling sex and connected sex? Yeah, I mean, I definitely enjoy it. I will be completely honest. I've had some medical issues and they're literally hardly any nerve endings left down there so it is almost impossible for me to have an orgasm. Okay so this is the administrative fact, so I figured out how to do it myself and I'm not even tempted to show him how to do it too. I think that the time and effort that it takes for me to get off is just something that

is going to just get on board for. Yeah, well of course he's going to get on board for that. You don't feel a lot inside of you. It's like numb. Yeah, pretty much numb. Okay, and you've gone to doctors and you're kind of colleges and gotten checked and done everything you need to. Because there's ways to un-nummit.

Honestly, they just say that super common now for things like that to happen. Okay, well, I, you know, okay, I just want to say that maybe there are ways that it could become on, you know, when you start focusing attention on it more. Oh, yeah, I'm sure there are some incredible things to do. Not expensive. Well, I wouldn't even say medical. I would say if you start wearing like some kegoballs around the house and start doing your exercises and start like kind of just feelingalls around the house and start doing your exercises

and start like kind of just feeling sensations and they're lying back on your bed and like waking it up again and attaching with that part of your body. I feel like you've been probably disconnected and of course you wouldn't want to have sex right now if you're not really feeling anything. But the good part is that you know

what does make you feel good. So you've been able to adapt and you're saying that's difficult to explain to him or you don't think he'd want to because it just sounds like you guys you'd have a conversation about the state of your sex life right now. It's different than it was.

It shifted not just because of the affair. In a way, if you have to look at the silver lining here as you get to have the sex that you always wanted, because you weren't satisfied before. So it's really a matter of like just being really honest with them, doing your best not to use the blaming language, or you never, he never did this, but to tell him what you need to feel connected and sexually satisfied and it's okay that you need something different now.

And it's okay that you want to run right back into sex and tell him that that old routine doesn't work for you anymore and you'd like to rebuild a new one with him. And this is where you guys would talk about the things that you really like, what turned you on, what really works for you, what wasn't working for you. I mean, he wants more intimacy, more touch. It sounds like sometimes that could be just holding hands or a massage or being, soon together on the couch or like when you come in

doing a loving gesture, giving him a kiss in the neck, I know that's like that's my level language as well. I just would like to be touched like every 10 minutes throughout the day. It'd be great, you know? I mean, so he needs that from you. And I feel like I understand why you don't want to give it because there's still a lot of maybe anger or something,

but there's probably a way to touch him intimately. So he's getting satisfied while you guys are also working on your sex life. And you don't have to jump right back into the sex right now. Makes sense. All right. Good plan of action. Okay. Yeah. You got that that so go easy on yourself You guys you have some more talks about this break it down get your own new schedule redefine it and keep going with the therapy and being honest Well, you're so welcome. Bye Natalie. Thanks for calling. Bye. Bye. I love these color shows because it's so great that we could really get to layers here Because first reading this I'm thinking to myself, oh, you know, she's trying to get the trust back and she's

going to have sex. Well, there's a lot more things going on with her body and all this stuff. And I feel like when you're with someone for a long nine years, you know, it's going to, oh, 10, you're 20, it's going to change over time. And you have to constantly readdress your sex life like you do everything else in your relationship. You might not like doing the same things you did when you first met. Your sex life is going to change. So I think this is a chance for them to rebuild it, to be really freaking honest. And she said that it was

always about pleasing him and his desires. I think that's a really common dynamic that one partner feel like they're not getting their needs met. But the good news is there's always time to restructure, recreate and dive back into a new sex life with a long-term partner. It can't get better. We've got Emily on the call. Another Emily, she's 24 from Laguna Beach. And she wants to let go of the fact that her partner's sub with a lot of women before her. Hi, Emily.

Hi, Emily. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. I'm happy to talk to you today. Thanks for having me on the call. I appreciate it. Yes, of course.

So tell me about what's going on. I've been dating this amazing guy for over two years now. He's so awesome. We came across, he didn't tell me directly, but all our friends come across and realize that he's been with a lot of girls. It's not something that is a constant issue with our relationship, it's just something that's in the back of my head all the time. And it kind of just sucks just thinking about it. So I was just kind of wondering what I could do about that.

Time for your feelings that you're having about it. Like are you thinking about it? I feel like I'm just being selfish. It's like, oh, I don't want to think about him with anybody else. And it's like, I know I can't get upset with him because that's not fair to him, because he didn't even know me.

So I understand that. I had my fun in college, too, so I completely understand. So I get it. And I know it's not right, but I feel like there's just something I can do to make it easier. Exactly. Even though I know it's not. Well, i think that it's all because the good news is that

yeah it's and it's all it you know it's in your head and so a lot of times we'd be conjure up these things that we know is that we're beating ourselves with really bad information like with the stick and it's like because maybe it makes you feel inadequate or maybe you feel like i don't know is that it is a part of the makes you jealous to feel inadequate to feel like you won't match up to them that you're not great and bad because he's at so much more experience and he's constantly thinking about the other women were together is that the kind of thoughts

i don't i don't think i would go into it like that deep like sometimes oh yeah i think she's pretty i never feel like it maybe i feel like i'm competing when i don't know i am right that makes sense yeah like deep down i feel like I'm trying to compete, but like on the outside, I'm like, oh, hey, I'll just, I think about it too much, or something, I don't know. Well, I'm taking to another level for you,

because the fact that you keep bringing it up in your head is a way of torturing yourself. Like, you can't stop your obsessing, but I don't mean to call it an obsession, but it sounds like- Yeah, the fact that you're like, I've said you hear about it, and then you're thinking about this woman,

and she came in and he was with her, so I'm thinking when we take that to another level, why is your brain going to there? Because it's messed up, but the way our brain, many of us are wired, is that we feel like, we just like torture ourselves with information that we'd flip it, we'd make it bad, and you're bad, and you know, he's thinking about you,

and you're jealous, and all this stuff, so really my advice to you would be to, as much as you can when you have those, those kind of thoughts just to really realize that they're not serving you, that it is his past, that he's with you. And that sounds like you guys have a good real, yeah, two years, you've been together, you trust him, correct? Yeah. It's trustworthy.

Absolutely. And I'm wondering if there's anything with your sex life, I'm wondering if this is the reason perhaps why your brain is doing this, is like triggering it and flipping it around so much and ruminating. Is there something with your sex life with him that you'd like to see happen or something that you're craving that isn't there right now that you'd like to talk to him about? Right. I think, I don't know, I kind of, we started dating and I used to play a college sport and I quit.

So I think that might be something that has to do with it a lot. Maybe like, I don't even, I had a lot of identity issues for a little bit that he helped me with because that's all I did growing up, you know. So once I saw it, I didn saw that even though I was anymore so I think that kind of hit me off the boat I guess you can say but um so you don't feel as confident like you don't feel as confident but how does it impact your your ability like in the in the bedroom do not feel no I don't think and no we have a great sex life like I think it's fine in the bedroom but I just I feel like just with our relationship overall, like, we have such a good relationship.

The last thing I want is for me to ruin it because I eat myself up too much about something that I shouldn't do. Right. Well, I think it's a choice. Yeah, I mean, you can't change it. So you cannot never change your partner's sexual past. And this is why I say it's always great not to talk about it, not to think about it, not to even go there because really the sex safe to focus on in the relationship is right in

front of you. It's with him. So that's something really doesn't matter. You really can't change it. You can't get rid of it. It's still there. And you want to respect him as well. So I think the most is like it's really reprogramming your brain to be like, when you have yourself, heavy those thoughts, if you feel like you can't stop like replace it with like a and I in my mind right now, like I can't wait wait to get home and see him and I'm going to get there.

I'm going to tell him how much I appreciate him for this or how much I'm really enjoying our relationship. Like, have a list of positive things that you could look at that you're great before in your relationship. Like, if you keep a notebook or your notes on your phone and I think it helps sometimes when you write it all down and you're like, we had this great date the other night or like, I had six orgasms or it was so sweet that he brought me home. Breakfast without asking.

You know, I don't know what it is, but if there's for you things that you could constantly look at that of the more positive aspects of the relationship, this stuff will fade away. And that's the reason why I asked if there's something that's bothering you. And if you are going through a hard time right now, when you feel like you've lost the identity of being an athlete and you're not feeling that confident as you go into the world and you're 24 years old. And this is a time where there's a lot of time figuring out what you really want, who you are, and what kind of jobs you want to take. And so it can be hard to be intimate in a relationship and to feel great about ourselves when we don't know. So just know that this is,

you're in the right place, this is the age that happens. You mean the process time. So I feel like that's the stuff you should be working on then, like yourself is team, but it's just separate it from what's really happening. You know, so I understand all of that. So yeah, I like that a lot what you said, just writing stuff down and just being positive. Like he is so good to me. And literally I have no reason to be so worried. Like he really is awesome. He is so good to me and literally I have no reason to be so worried like

He really is awesome and it's just myself. I know you know just right being me into myself I guess yeah exactly we find so many things to beat ourselves up with and so I'm saying can you find things to like to praise and to feel good about I'm glad that that makes sense to you because You deserve to have a happy relationship here and that's the suffering that's brought on by your mind. You know, we could stop that. You have no reason. And sometimes our brain scans the environment for reasons to be upset about things. You know what I'm saying?

Because you're going through this own discontent so you're displacing it. So it's almost like a displacement, too. The energy you're spending on it. So just recognize that that's your thoughts creating it. It's separate from what's actually going on. So that's it. OK, OK, OK.

Thank you so much. Thank you for having us. Okay, okay Emily, thank you so much. Thank you for having us. Thank you for having us. Okay, talk to you soon. Bye. Stay in touch. Bye. You guys realize that so much of the suffering we do and the problems we create are actually

in our heads and we just don't know how to stop it and I totally understand Emily's obsession. We think we like it. We think it's going to help us be better people somehow by if we keep replaying stories that aren't useful to us. So I think writing things down and really looking at like, okay, I'm feeling that these things are all true about the past or I'm not a good person, but when you're writing down the things that you're really appreciative for, the things that you really love about your partner, and the things that are good and you have a place that you can look and you can read those things again, it'll help get you off that loop of negativity, negative thinking, which

is holding you back from having the relationship and the sex life that you want. This was a fun show. I love talking to you guys. It's been awesome. Thank you for subscribing on iTunes, reviewing the show. You can actually subscribe a lot of places now, but we appreciate when you review it. I'm so thankful for your positive reviews.

And you can, like I said, check it out on social media. It's at Sex with Emily. Thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our intern Shannon and Jenny, producer, Lark, and Michael. And thank you, everyone, for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamleeve.com.