Sex With Emily - A Cure for the Common Sex Crisis

Episode Date: April 25, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about the sex crisis we apparently find ourselves – why we’re there, and some ways to get out of it. Plus, she’s taking your calls. She dives into why people aren’t having sex – whether single or in a relationship, how to make sex fun again when you’re trying to have a baby, what to do when you LOVE touch, but your wife is so not into PDA, and whether you should have a threesome with a friend or a stranger. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Good Vibration Subscription Box, pjur, Fleshlight, SiriusXM Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex of Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about the sex crisis. Did you guys hear this? Apparently we're in a sex crisis, and some ways to get out of it. Plus, I'm taking your calls. Topics include a sex drought, a crisis, whatever you want to call it.

Why people aren't having sex? All right, so you want a baby, but it's turning sex into a chore. How do you make sex fun again? Okay, you love touch, but your wife is not so into PDA. Where is the middle ground? And you're trying to have a threesome. Okay, you love touch, but your wife is not so into pd8. Where is the middle ground? And you're trying to have a threesome.

You want someone you know, where's your partner and wants to find a stranger? So what do you do? All this and more, thanks for listening. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them a lie on a day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. So, I'm grown. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexethemmy.com, check out our podcast, our mailing list. Sign up for our mailing list. Have you not done that? Check out all the blogs and posts we have there. You can also comment, subscribe wherever you listen.

We love it when you subscribe wherever you listen to the podcasts. And you can also find me in Series XM Radio, Five Nights a Week on Stars Channel 109. And you can get a free 30-day trial at sexathamily.com slash SXM or call us at midnight, triplate 947-8277 from 5 to 7 pm Pacific. Find us on all social media at Sex of the Emily cause I know you'll want to.

All right guys enjoy the show. So when I was invocation, I can't do that without laughing right now cause it wasn't, I'm not gonna be angry about it, I was sick the whole time, is that called vacation? I'm not mad, I'm not complaining,

don't feel bad for me, but it wasn't like a vacation. But while I was invocation, there was a breaking sex news story. Yeah. And that story, to me it wasn't breaking, because I keep hearing this, but I was like, oh no, new studies show

that we are in a sex crisis, that we are all known to having sex. We used to have a lot more sex, and especially people under 30, apparently, they're the worst offenders. Okay, we get the alerts, we have news wires, believe it or not, more just for sex. So we know everything that's happening

and we do our best just to bring you things that we think are relevant to your life that are interesting, you know, that could help you. So remember a few years ago, some studies started coming out and they were like, I'm about three years ago, right, Jay, I think when they were like, millennials would trade their iPhone for sex. And then the next week, people would rather watch Netflix and have sex or give up chocolate

for, I was like, oh god, these stories are so, those are sponsored by a chocolate company. Like, these silly studies. And I was like, these are silly. I love my phone, but I'd rather have sex. But then this study that was in the Washington Post said, I wasn't gonna get into this now, but I'm all riled up about it. Because it kind of pisses me off.

You know why? Because it's like sex crisis. It's like saying we're in a like a meringue pie, you know, lemon meringue pie, crisis. Like how, you know, we're like, you're like chocolate chip cookie crisis. Like, you just, they don't go together. Like, those are things that are pleasurable.

How are we in a crisis around sex, which is, you know, the most pleasurable thing is on the planet. And, and give us a lot of joy. I mean, obviously, give us a lot of strife, because that's why, you know, we had a job. I have a job we're talking about in here, and we want to help you all better sex. And it's very confusing.

And I know all the reasons why sex isn't as delightful as we all think it should be. Like in our minds, you think of sex as being this ultimate, like more kids and we start hearing about sex, you think. Well, because you only hear about it through people, like people your age. So when you start hearing about sex, it's very immature, most

of the time, or if it's from school, it's just scare tactics, or like the very basis of anatomy, and mostly the internal anatomy of the reproductive system. So we get these weird ide, like we come up, we are imaginations run rampant in wild, because we're not exposed to like what sex actually is and what it's like. Exactly. And then we, especially like losing your virginity or having sex for the first time, I feel like a lot of us put it up because we're told like, oh wait until you're in love and you find someone special.

But even if you have that person, I know very few people that lost their virginity and it was a great experience. Exactly. But most people, I know nobody. I know zero people. And if you disagree, if you haven't something to say to the contrary here, triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven, that the first time you had sex,

it was amazing. And you actually, it's in your bank bank, or you think about all the time. It was one of these like beautiful like you know Yeah unicorns and Rose petal in the middle of a metal who came together and it was amazing Yeah, let me know but mostly yeah, it's probably what happens is yeah So we set our kids up for that we tell them I was saying at this weekend I thought here we are telling kids you got to wait to get married or when you do get married

It's gonna be this beautiful thing between you and somebody you love. And kids, parents still say that to kids today. They still say, you know, what sex, oh, when someday you'll fall in love with somebody, you'll be deeply in love with them. And then you're going to do this sex act. Like maybe they say that when the kids walk in and I'm having sex for the first time, or maybe the kids just, you know, whatever their first sex act. That's the party line. That's the line that we tell kids.

When you so need, and then we go off and we have it, and then we all realize it like, and then we get to have it. So right, we get older, we have it, not so great the first time, and then we kind of figure out that, oh, okay, I guess it gets better from there. Yeah, it definitely gets better.

So here's what we're fucked. It's bad, horrible the first time. So it can't get much worse and it gets better. But then, and then maybe it gets a little bit better because maybe you get into relationship in your 20s and you start, you know, with someone, you were swimming for a while and then you start to like feel comfortable because we know for women the more safe we feel and relationships are, you know, you can have more orgasms and more pleasure. And then it starts to feel better. But then it's sort of, you just kind of stop there. You're like, well, it's not as bad as the worst

you had your plateau. And then you don't ever go back and learn anything new and then you get into relationship and you never talk about it. And so there we are. So that's why sex is, we tell kids, you got to wait till you're married or in love and find someone and then we just,

then we know they start having sex, right? When they're like 16, 17, then we don't talk to them about them about it and then they're like it's like giving your kids a car Like here's a shiny new car without the you know the man the manual or any training any training at all It's like it's a giving your kid a great new car and you love them You care about them and you bought them the car that they dreamed of but they didn't get their drivers license And you're like go have fun in this car and that's what we do with kid We send them off their way to have sex into the universe and then they you know they really don't know about pleasure and what makes them feel good and all the things that we talk about in the show so

now we find ourselves in a veritable crisis around it. Yeah and it's saying here in this article that people 1829 people 18 to 29. It's the amount of Americans 18 to 29 reporting that they've had no sex in the past year has doubled between 2008 and last year. Which I mean it seems like a lot says 23% here. Yeah, 20. I just want to ask. Yes.

So we're telling kids to wait and to not have sex. And now we're all up in arms because we're not having sex. Exactly. Yeah, I guess so. That's why we're in crisis. So we're like, don't have sex because that was the big thing. You know, when I guess when I was, you're so in my toe 20 years ago, my 20s when they were like, so every, but people were having sex and it was more about safe sex

and everyone was using condoms, but we were having sex, but we weren't, people were getting, but those teen pregnancies too, so it was like too much sex. And so you're right, so now it's not enough sex. And I think the problem is not enough intimacy overall.

Like they're calling it sex, but I think that where this is going back to the epidemic of loneliness. It all goes back to that. Yeah, I was asking why you think we're having less. Yeah, well, I think there's a lot of reasons. And you guys, why do you think, and actually, if you'd like to have more, let me solve your mini-sex crisis,

triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven, I think that we're not because we're not, I do think a lot of us do a technology. We're not leaving our homes as much. We, you know, like this, there's a lot more to do at 10 o'clock at night, right? Like I think back before you were distracted by your cell phone, video games, online dating,

whatever you're doing on the phone, FaceTime ordering food. Like you don't even have to go out and pick up food. So you used to go out and you'd have to pick up food like you wouldn't have postmates or you wouldn't have delivery. You would have to walk into it. And then we were talking really like how you met people before this, before we were reliant on our phone

for connection. And it's like, oh, I would meet people at, like you'd meet them at the 7-Eleven. You'd meet them on the bus. You'd meet them at a friend's party. Meet people out in the real world. And right now, we are just, we are every cause, like, we are, we are so happy when we don't have to leave the house. We don't have to go to a blockbuster to rent the movie anymore, because that's what Netflix is.

But do you only people you'd meet at, they go to get a movie and you get fresh air and you'd meet, like, you would be in the world. And that's what would help people come across your path. You meet friends of friends and now we're just isolated and that's our we're not having as much sex and alone. I think that partially it has to also do with the fact that when we are going out in the world and spending our time like out and about, we are trying to do it on our own like spending solitude moments and trying to be you know, out and about, we are trying to do it on our own, like spending solid to moments and trying to be, you know, with nature and grounding ourselves

and not trying to meet with people since everything is so accessible from the, from your couch, you know. So like when we are going out, it's not like we're trying to meet people. It's like we're just trying to get a breath of fresh air from away from the screens and all that kind of stuff Yeah, but when when now when I'm out

I'm I'm been especially because of you know you saying like oh be on your phone less and do things like that I try to do that out when I'm out in the world. I try to like be more open and give off an inviting energy And I and I always do talk to people when I'm out. Like I always meet some people. But I'm not on my phone, but everyone else is. So no one is even noticing that I'm not on my phone, that I'm a person that they could talk to. That's exactly it.

That was the other thing is that we don't, when we're, we are out, we're not present. We're not present. Yeah, we're not present. And so when you would be sitting anywhere, like you were sitting waiting for your card to get fixed or you were at random places, I just remember you, there'd be bad magazines on the table. You don't want to be popular on a can, you talk to the person next to you, you'd make

a friend and now we're just, we're on our phones or waiting for food. We're not even seeing the people walk past us. So there is no connection happening when we're even out. So we're lonely when we're even with people. And so we are not having sex and we're not meeting people. And I think that this sex crisis, so it's mostly men, men are driving the decline in sex. So I think it's because, and I, I mean, I just might not be a popular opinion, but I think that because women, more so now in the public sphere are taking charge of their sexuality and their own life

and making better decisions for themselves, that it's also just weird for guys now, they kind of don't know how to act, how to be. They don't know how to be not invading someone's space, but also trying to meet people. So now they're not acting on that out in public. So they're on the apps just doing that. And then for me, for example, like I would love it if in a polite way, there's ways to approach people and not approach people.

If so I was out and someone's like, hey, like I just wanted to introduce myself to my name, like if I'm at a bar. Totally, I'll talk to you. I'll talk to you. I've also gone out and asked people out that I see out, but then I become this dominant role that I don't want to be. Which is your in the masculine role. Exactly.

So it's just, it's kind of a weird, for me, I'm in a weird limbo. I don't even know what to do. I'm in a sex crisis. You are a Jamie, yeah. We have a sex crisis and we're right here in the office. It is a confusing time, I think. We've been talking about this a lot.

I've been talking to friends about it. My guy friend just called me gay before we got in the air and I was talking to him. I was like, I'm putting that speaker on my, because we were in our 20s together and how we met people was like out. And we would just, we would be out in the world. What were we talking about the dating?

Like you asked him and he's in his 40s, I believe. Yeah, 40s, 40s. How he thinks the climate has changed as far as dating. There's a million things that have happened my brain days. So he was like, yeah, it's dude, and he's got a game. Like he, I mean, he does. He's always girls. He was like, he's like, goes out and he's like, you're hot, I want you. But in a way that wasn't creepy, like, he's got a game. Like he, I mean, he does. He's always girls. He was like, he's like,

goes out and he's like, you're hot. I want you. But in a way that wasn't creepy, like he's not a creepy dude. But he just, he was on. He's like, now I just don't feel like I can even approach him and ask him out in that same way that it shifted, which in a way,

I feel like there is a certain, so what we're saying, we've talked about this before too, while people like in your, like in your 20s now, that it's okay, men, women asking people out, it doesn't really matter, but where I feel like years ago, it was more like I believed, what I was taught,

was that it was men, or the masculine, because there's always the masculine energy and the feminine energy. So even if you're in the same sex relationship, that the masculine, it was a masculine response to build like they want to be the hunter, the gather, they want to go out and kill their prey, like they want to do the asking,

they want to pop you over the head and drag you back to the cave. Like, if you ask, if I asked a guy out, I would, I believed that I was taking away something from him. And his, he may, you know, his initiation into that. Like, that was their responsibility. But I do think that it's the, it's changed and other roles of change

and they were seeing both things, but I think maybe it's generational. I would like to hear from people, would you truly have you been asked out by someone before? We could say as a man. Yeah, or anyway. Yeah, and I kind of want to know like the differences in like all the generations, like 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s.

Do you want to do care of your ass out? Because I think it's changed. And I feel like I think everyone wants to be asked out right now because we're also fucking lonely and isolating and that I think that if we're all very confused by these rules, why don't we just do what we didn't do at the beginning and just start paying attention to people's, you know, so much of what we, how we communicate

isn't just through our words, body language, like reading it and talking about like, let me people know, I'm interested in dating you, is that something you'd be down for? The more that men, I think it doesn't matter gender. Just if that's what you're interested in, let that be known because I think the hunting, maybe that bullshit game is over.

If you think someone you're interested in, then maybe you don't have to do any of that anymore. If you are feeling attraction, I'm feeling good, when I was at Wanderlust Festival a few years ago, what did you come back saying that everyone was like, you've got a good, but there's some pick up vibe. Hey, I'm feeling your vibe. Now, that's very like California, it was like some yoga festival. So, you know, I love Wanderlust, but it's like, hey, man, I feel your vibe. So if there's some language that we can figure out that

doesn't feel like someone stepping on you and feels creepier and invasive, but you let it be known, like I would be interested in hanging with you. I would be interested in getting to know you. You look like, would you want to get a drink sometime? And it doesn't matter, we get out of our own way because I believe that what I'm thinking, that I'm taking away this responsibility from whoever the masculine role is,

is an old belief system that maybe doesn't serve anybody anymore. Yeah, and it's so funny, because we all kind of inherently learn this, I think through peers and people and even adults, like what your parents tell you, what your aunts and uncles tell you, and yet there is no written down rules.

So how are we supposed to know when it changes? How are we supposed to know how to navigate things and why is it this Universal knowledge that's not written down anywhere. It's just been passed on through it I'm out right and everyone gets to decide on their own right to but I guess if everyone's deciding on their own Then no one's asking anyone out because they don't know what to do Maybe that's a crisis Calls with anything triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven Okay, we actually have a couple people calling in about this subject. So Michael 56 in California

wants to talk about the sex crisis for older people and not just the younger generations. Yeah, okay. Hey Michael, thanks for calling. Hey ladies, how are you today? Good. We're great. We're in a crisis. So what you just said was I had a thought when I first called in, well I've got several thoughts. So maybe I'll back in. Go do it back in. First of all, yeah. So I'm going to say that, so I'm a single man, was married for many years, no children,

and I'm actually from my age, a very young person'm like a forty forty in my mind forty in my body but just older and age right used to be a time where women with a signal that you just talking about i'd be out loud women time to signal whether it's in a physical meeting or some other event i'm not feeling that do not like i said i got a lot? What was it like? Do it, do it, do it.

Like I say, I know. Well, you were saying the body language and everything. So at least they were talking more about it. And I felt that when I was in my 30s and 30s and 40s, they were seem to be more women who are more open to having sexual relationships with guys of my age or the older. And now I just feel like it's all shut down.

Signals are dead and I don't feel that women are as aggressive as they should. You were talking about that. You didn't know if it was right. You just step in and say, hey, I'm interested. It would be, I would love that. If a woman comes up to me and say, hey, Michael, I've been noticing you, I love the way you dress. You know, I'm like, you stay in shape.

Yeah, men like comp, okay, men like to be complimented under looks. Less so women. I, well, that's a whole other online dating profiles, maybe in life, but men are men, like Michael, you like it if a woman said, you look great, right? You look sexy. I love what you're wearing. Okay, keep going. We'll circle back to that point.

Okay. That would happen, but I'm not sure if that's, I haven't seen it around and I haven't changed much. I'm not, I'm still very, you know, I'm attractive. Like, I'm sure that there are a few people. Do you think it's changing? No, I'm not. But you're saying it's an age thing or do you think it's

because you're 56 now? Are you saying it's just in the last few years has been a change overall like because of me too because that's what come when we're talking about also i think remind me that has an impact on it that that it's kind of it's a different climate i was gonna i was gonna say that i was gonna breach that subject i wasn't sure if i was going to but i believe that some of it right now i'm

part of it i'm i'm very simple that it's in pathetic i'm very sympathetic to women that have been abused and so forth and i have no time for that man because guys i got it is yet i'm really i got a hard line on that but but i think that because of that we're we're so uh... men these days more timid to i think especially the one i'm going to say even especially the white male is very is a little bit more apprehensive about

approaching a woman because we are concerned about this whole me to the end and how that's not how is that going to be you know what is the signal i'm sending to this woman i'm attracted to her i'd like to spend some time with her like to have some dinner maybe i'd like to have sex with her, but how do I get there? So you feel like you've stopped, right, exactly.

So you feel like in the last few years, you've had to be like, you're just definitely much more thoughtful and careful about it because what could the repercussion? And no one knows the new rules. No one could, you know, how do I get through that?

How do I get through that, I think you just, right? How do I work that? Yeah, exactly. And I think it's like, thank you, Michael. Thank you for we get through that? I think you just, right? How do I work that? Yeah, exactly. And I think it's like, thank you, Michael. Thank you for your call, because that's such a good point. I do think that it's exactly what I'm saying is that we need to just be friggin' honest about

it now, because we don't know the rules. It's like we're in a whole new world. They've all blown up. Whatever rules we believed. And so now, if you are feeling like Michael and Michael is 50, I've heard from men of every age group I've talked to, every generation has said to me, it's changed, it's weird. I know people in college, people,

like it's just a different time now and we don't really know what to do. And I would argue that we never really did it that great anyway. So what if we just started new and be honest and let people know? Like I, what if it's not sexual by him feeling like this could be something let's hang out what your number,

who doesn't matter what your gender is, you just don't play the games. And yes, and here's the other thing. The reason why we also don't ask each other at why we're in a crisis is because when we used to have to leave our house and we weren't on technology, we're always afraid of rejection. Since men typically had due a lot of the asking, they would get rejected. And it was terrifying for so many guys to be like, how am I going to ask people out? Like, that's why the game, like Neil Strauss' book, The Game Beave, came such a thing.

Because it was in my show, I hear from men, all this is showing the podcast. Terrified, crippling anxiety young men ask them to not like it's crippling. And so, and that's been going on forever, but eventually you had to do it enough because survival, you want to sex your 20s, and then you're like, okay, girls on into me,

or you get your game, or you get your thing, and you figure out how to communicate with women. But now, since younger guys aren't even learning to date, no one's dating. And they're not leaving the house. So they're not talking to people. They're not communicating around their phones. If there's less incentive, that rejection just stays in a fear place. They never got into face it.

They're fear of being rejected. And then you don't get to move through the fear of rejection. So they're just maybe staying home. I mean, I'd much rather play Fortnite or watch porn than actually be rejected because that's terrifying. Whereas men before would have to be like, it's terrifying, but I have no other choice

because nothing to do with 10 o'clock a night. Yeah, I'm putting yourself out there in any situation can be terrifying, but I mean, coming from a woman who has asked men out before I've been rejected and it stings, but It's kind of like why does that person doesn't owe you a yes. I have it about you. Right. It's not about you And that's what I think To I really liked on Michael's point though

Hey, how he was saying that the climate has changed but more so because he doesn't want to give women the wrong impression Not because he thinks that someone's going to like accuse him of something It's just more of like, I don't, I just don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Exactly. And that's what I'm hearing, right? Michael, that was, I'm glad he called him with that because it's like that is what I,

the ex sentiments that I've heard from all men of all ages that they don't want to make. So now the women who are saying, I can't meet anyone. No, it's approaching me. You either know guys out there. The reality I think we're hearing is that a lot of guys are afraid to approach now. So if they weren't approaching before,

they're definitely not now, or maybe if they're younger, they never did. In their 20s, they never actually did. So perhaps this is why we're having a, it's some kind of crisis. And I believe it's more of a crisis of intimacy than a crisis of sex. Sex is just sort of part of it.

But I think that we're lonely. Yeah. I've been lonely. Okay, I'm gonna butcher this name. Sorry if I do. I think it's Kelsey, but if it's Kelsey, I'm sorry. From 29th, who's Canada, who also wants to comment on this conversation.

And cool, hey, Kelsey. Or Kelsey. Hi, guys, Kelsey. Hey, Kelsey, what up? Hi, okay, so I'm so glad this topic is coming up because it's like a hot topic. It was actually talking about it with colleagues that we're today. So I'm 29 and I'm in a relationship for two years and some of my girlfriends are also in relationship.

And there's a sex crisis in relationships as well in a lot of ways. And what we're noticing is the group of women that I serve myself with were we want to be successful, high performing, and there's all these expectations, including how often you're having sex. How good this sex is, what you're doing to mix it up. And so I find myself putting the same sort of performance expectations on my sex life as I would at, you know, my performance expectations that work.

So as a result, we're sabotaging the actual intimacy that goes into good sex result, we're sabotaging the actual intimacy that goes into good sex and we're forcing it because we think we have to check it off our list. Oh yeah, I so see that. I get it because now there's more information about their about sex and people are talking about it more and you think to measure up against now. Is that what it is? You have a certain expectation. Absolutely. I think social media plays a big part in the sense of looking at other people and what's normal and what's not.

And then you bring it back home. And I know from me, my partner is like, you're crazy. Who cares what other people are doing? But I can't help myself get caught up in it sometimes. Wait, give me an example, Kelsey, of what? Something in your, if you don't mind, that I'm just curious, because you're 29. Because it is a different world.

So what, give me an example of something in your mind, you don't mind, like I'm just curious, because you're at 29, because it is a different world. So what, give me an example of something in your mind, you're like, I should go home and do this thing to raise the bar in our sex life or what's come up for you. Yeah. Well, for me, I'm happy having sex once a week. I, we schedule it, I live in your show all the time. We schedule it.

It's, there's anticipation, there's excitement. Awesome. But even in the conversation I was talking with my girlfriend today, she's like, I think I should be having sex like five nights a week. I'm thinking that no longer becomes fun for me. Right, exactly. It becomes a chore. Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside.

Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside. Every cup of your inside. to guide with your partner if sex feels like it's an obligation. Right. But then if you guys are talking about a Kelsey and then if you're like, hey, and your tea's truly saying, you're crazy, no, it's awesome. Does it make you feel better or can you both decide what great sex is for both of you?

You didn't even ask for advice, but now I'm getting it. Yeah, no, but I think that that's exactly the answer is establishing what's right for you and your partner in your partnership And like really blocking it out. But I mean, I also think that there is just a lot of external pressure that maybe working in an inverted effect for now we're sabotaging opportunities for sex. So if I think I'm putting on the signals for my partner, but I keep up to gain up and I feel rejected.

And I feel like the night was a failure because we didn't have back did that even have to happen it in and was that because i want to have a because i thought we should have that right exactly right that's like that's why it's all about getting into your body and knowing when you're not feeling it not have that section be an obligation but i know it's become that for many people all right we are going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls.

Okay, let's talk to Emily, 36 in California. She's trying to conceive and she wants to know how sex can feel less like a chore. Hey, Emily, how you doing? Hi. Hi. I'm good. How are you? I'm so good, Emily.

Emily. M-E-M-E. Do you want to call you, Emily? My friend's calling me. I actually go by M. And yeah, M's a good one too. Hey, M, so you're trying to get pregnant. Yeah, I need one to feel sexy.

Maybe a couple of months ago. And at this point, what has happened Yeah, I think it's a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a we have to have sex and then all and any kind of the beautiful energy that comes with for play or any of those things goes out the window and he feels like he's doing a job because he's a dude and he wants to accomplish the goal. Right. And I don't want that to go away because I want to still have sex and feel sexy and you know, I don't want it to feel like a chore.

Of course not. That makes sense. So my question is how do I talk to him about that without it being you know an issue I don't want to make him not also want to have sex because he thinks he's doing something wrong. Right exactly. So I think and then you've just you just started right so it's new to him. He's taking it very seriously which I think is adorable and great and very responsible. You know he's like I'm going to do this right now. Like we're gonna get my penis will go into the vagina. I will inject it.

So I think that's great, but I think you have to tell this is your time to bring a little levity to it. And not even, don't even talk about what happened the last time it happened. I think what you do is, if you know when you're audulating, I think that you gotta make that a fun night. Like you gotta start to maybe start planning the seeds now.

No pun intended plan to see that. You should have, but you could, Emily, and think about like what would be, like this is such a good time for you guys to start thinking about, or talking about what is really hot for both of you. Like could you get a hotel room for the night? Could you get massages?

Could you massage each other? Could you try something a little bit different? Like set up a whole, you know, where's something sexy or role play? Or just do something that's outside of your sexual comfort box? Because then you'll be focused on the newness and the novelty of something new and sexy.

And you won't be focused on the old just in and out, you know? That's a good point. Okay. I like it. Yeah, I do that. Do you know talking to him really about it? Or I do talk to him? I would not talk. I would, okay. So it just happened once and you said he was very like, it was all business. You had no foreplay, no making out, no going down. He just never, no.

This has happened for like three months now. Okay. Okay. So what I think, so I think, I'm like, oh, I'm going to ignore it. I think he'll get into it. Like he said, the newness will wear off. Okay. But now it's the point where, yeah.

For a visual, you know, it's like missionary with his head in the pillow next to me. I'm going to go to the next place. I'm going to go to the next place. I'm going to go to the next place. I'm going to go to the next place. I'm going to go. I think he'll get into it. Like he said, the newness will wear off. But now it's the point where, for a visual, you know, it's like missionary with his head in the pillow next to me, like mission is being accomplished. And I'm like, I, it feels like I'm not even. But how is the sex the other times in the month? Great. Oh, okay.

So you just kind of re- It is bizarre, but he doesn't know any better. Like maybe he's just like, this is what I don't want to fuck it up. What if I don't go? So I think you could in a playful sexy way, like sexy M, just be like, hey, I, so you know, next month it's coming up in a week or something. So I know I may have been saggy.

You've been so, so good. And we're getting into him of a broad trine hybrid. I want to make that night fun. And you know, instead of, you know, just rather than just doing it, let's try blank. Have you guys had to talk about things you want to try in the bedroom, fantasies,

do you know what he would be into, and just plan a sexy date night. Plan something fun at home that is filled with great food and playful toys and massages, and just make it a fun, playful night. I think you should say, I'm planning something fun for Saturday or whenever it is because I want to make it more, you know, I want to do something, I have some fun ideas

I can make it fun. Yeah, make it exciting. Rather than saying, oh, you've been so boring bearing your head in the pillow. So I think if you just bring something new, the table he's not gonna fight you. And that's how you switch it. Yeah, and just take charge.

Where's something sexy? Take charge. Get on top, do you, you, and just take charge. Where's something sexy? Take charge. Get on top. Do you, you know? So take charge of the night. And then I think it'll switch. You'll never go back. Let me know, Emily, what happens, okay?

Keep it posted. Best of luck to you guys. We'll be praying for you. Pray for you. Thanks Emily. I've never said praying. I know, I was like praying. I don't even know what that came from.

I'm gonna be sent a attention. It's what you say. Yeah, you say? It was beautiful. It was beautiful. They're trying to create praying. I don't even know what that came from. I'm gonna be sent a attention, but yeah. So you say, it was beautiful. It was beautiful. They're trying to create life. I know, it is a playful thing. I have a question. It is.

Yeah, go, James. And I don't want this to sound like it would be deceitful, but like, is there a way to kind of be like, just initiate sex and not tell them that you're ovulating? But they probably these days, you know, it's probably all sharing that. They're probably on an app and they're, I don'tulating. But they probably these days, you know. It's probably all sharing that. They're probably on an app and they're, I don't know.

Yeah, they're probably, he sounds like the kind of guy who's like counting along with her, which is so awesome, because then you hear about people like, I told him I was ovulating and I didn't come home, and you know, I don't know. Well, it's refreshing to hear that

when she's not ovulating, they have great sex. Yeah, which is so great. Like there's no problem. That's a call of such an easy fix. I think he's just really trying to get the job done and not disappoint her. I love that. I love that.

But you know, kind of can see if you can see. So it's a great time to really, if you guys are working towards having a baby anyone, it's a good time to really say, well, this is a good time to implement all these things that I talk about Emily talks about is, how do we make it prioritizer sex life and start making it interesting so you incorporate

some fun playfulness into the serious job of getting pregnant. Hmm. Yeah. That's what I think. You think that people also try to sum what plan out when they would rather conceive in like count nine months? See, I don't want to Gemini. I got that. You know what I mean? You're putting your own sign down.

I'm a Gemini. I think that's God. That's ridiculous. I don't know people. Probably people were in, I don't know, we're in California. I'm a gem. I think that's God. That's ridiculous. I don't know people, probably people were, I don't know, we're in California. I'm in Australia. It's true, I'm huge into astrology. I'm not as people who are like,

I do not want a Libra on my hand. But you know what, it's like you gotta just be blessed and happy with the gift of life. We're just rocking if we're having, yeah, really. I think these days people just want to get there. Yeah. Okay, let's see. Let's actually, let's talk to Scott.

He's 53 and, which one of the Dakota's? South Dakota. And he has been married for 25 years and has a question about his partner feeling awkward about showing PDA with him. All right. Hey, Scott. Hey, ladies.

Hi. Scott, good. How are you doing? Going on. I'm actually for many apples, but I might have business trips driving out to Dakota. Got it. Okay. I love the goal. Thank you. We love it too. Yeah, you're really pretty. Huh? Oh, nothing. Sorry. Are you saying something now. Now, nothing you want to hear. No, I love it. Thank you, Scott. I know it's very both of you. I don't remember your colleagues' name. I'm sorry. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie, you're awesome too. Great show. I've listened to the program with my wife, and we have a really healthy relationship and Mary, 25 years have two daughters, and the sex is great. I'm really going down in her all the time and she loves it. She does it same for me. So we're really active, it's really healthy. But what's really strange is she just doesn't really like to kiss. If I was to drop her off at the airport,

so I just wanted to kiss before she left left no one from Milan and I like went into the nice French kiss and she like, I'm like, she's like, we're outside and I'm like, who cares? Yeah, good. You know? Yeah. I'm like, it's a little cold case, so here's my question. Is there a point after many years of marriage where the French kissing just kind of isn't like what it used to be? Yes and every yes exactly that's got. I did most relationships kissing is the first thing that goes. Which makes me so sad. Bring back the kissing. It's the sexiest thing. It is so sexy. It's so hot.. Yeah, we require it. We like kissing. This is how we orgasm most right?

kissing Fingers and mouth like that's what turns us on the most that brings us more pleasure So yeah, that happened so maybe you bring it up and you let her know like God I really love making out with you I've been thinking about kissing you You know we forget how good it feels So it's pretty common. So I would just let her know that that's, you know, did you guys use to kiss a lot at the beginning? Oh yeah, I mean, it just, I think we just were both like,

great kissers, we still are, but now I think she's like, hey, is she gonna get the tongue going on? Go down there, and I'm like, roll. Oh, I see. So she's like, hey, we're making out go. Yeah, the kids are, what do you kids?

You said, I mean, like, it's busy, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I get it. So it's like, I mean we're making out go. Yeah, the kids are what do kids you said? I mean like it's busy, right? Yeah, yeah, I get it. So it's like, I mean, I think it's a matter of talking or next time you guys are out of date night or something and just being saying like, I always to make out. I love our making out. I love kissing you. It makes me, you know, turn around so much. You're mouth so sexy and maybe just even take it off the tape Which be like, let's make out like we like do one of the role-playing things So go back to the place you had your first date. Do some things that are nostalgic and then may you guys feel super connected again. Go to a concert that's playing music that you guys played in high school, you know, that you listen to an high score in college or whatever. Like things that are reminiscent of what you used to do and you put yourself in those situations again, she'll be like, oh, yeah, remember this making out. So it makes her feel free.

Because you probably feels just, you know, way, man, we like, oh, I'm just gonna judge me and call makes her feel free. Because she probably feels, you know, we made me like, oh, I'm just gonna judge me and call me a slut. Like, maybe we were in high school because we're boyfriend, so we just don't, or our parents told us it was wrong, so we don't, so maybe that's why also she's pulling away at the airport. So it sounds like there could be some softening

and some connecting again, intimate, you know, on that level. Yeah. Working back in, you know, like, because maybe it was a mind well, just be like, hey, we're out here at the airport. You know, I'm going to surround you, trying to French kiss me. We have French kiss a lot to begin with lately.

So now we're out here publicly. That's a little weird. Yeah, I got to get, I got to check my luggage and I got to get some eat for the plane takes off. You know what I mean? Like, you're trying to kiss me. Yeah. So I'm sure it's just, yeah, I get it.

I probably wouldn't want to kiss. I'd probably be like, I was probably, I would probably be late at that point knowing me. I'm just saying, yeah, I think that's it. But start to think about this. So when she comes back, I just have been thinking a lot about it. That kiss and not in a dodgy way. Like I couldn't stop thinking how you didn't kiss me. You know, when we talk about the stuff, keep it positive and light and think about things

that will inspire you both to kiss again. Bring it back. Bring back the kissing. Okay, thanks, Scott. Thanks for calling. Have a great night. Triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. Kissing is the one of the first thing that goes.

Sex, not too far behind, but kissing goes. And then sometimes it never comes back. You're like, oh my God, like you might, like he said, you might actually be like Scott said, you might actually be having sex once a week, twice a week, but never making out anymore. I think a lot of times in the beginning, making out tends to lead to sex,

and then when you get, it just, it takes effort and it's like, can be exhausting. Yeah. I think I'm just throwing things out. Kissing isn't effort exhausting. I think so. I don't know. I love kissing, so I'm totally down for it all the time. I just, this is what I thought maybe other people are thinking. Yeah, perhaps. They think, this is what I thought maybe other people are thinking.

Yeah, perhaps they think like, let's get to the chase here. Yeah, let's get over with for busy. We don't have a lot of time. Or maybe when couples are feeling less connected to each other, they have sex, but kissing is actually so intimate that maybe they kind of are like annoyed with their partner, but they're like, I'm just going to have sex. Like they're at that point in the relationship where they're like, that's too intimate, I can have sex because that's even less of a kissing is like, oh, I don't even feel like kissing my partner right now because I'm so annoyed about a million other things that have happened the last 10 years that I actually don't want to kiss this person.

Do you want them to say like a fight? There's like a resentment. Is that when it's build up? And so they're like, I can't even kiss them anymore. I can have sex with them. That's something that I can do. That's the duty we'll both get off. But kissing means like I love this part.

Like I'm still attracting them in a way that they just, I'm not until anymore. Let's talk to Katie, 61 in Michigan, who's curious about how to approach a threesome. Hey Katie, hi, let's talk about this in my home state. What's up? Not much. My husband and I would like to get more talk about this in my home state. What's that? Not much.

My husband and I would like to get more into the sea, more happiness and our marriage. And we were talking about getting into a three-fold. How is your sex life right now? Good. OK. Can you expound upon that? Like, is it pleasurable?

Do you guys get each other off? Do you not have to please each other? Are you having it at the rate in which you're both satisfied? Yeah, we'll only give you a little bit more, but otherwise it's very pleasurable and very satisfied. Okay, awesome. No Katie, here's what I'm asking because before I tell you, like there's a lot of, I just want to make sure that

for many couples, when they sex is kind of boring and blah, they're like, oh, maybe a three-some will change it and make us feel closer together again, but it doesn't work that way often. A lot of times you have to both be on the same page and be able to communicate about it and talk it through and what it would look like and set boundaries.

You know, like, is it gonna be with another woman? How are we gonna meet her? Is she gonna sleep over, you know, all that stuff? And not doing it because you both want to do it, but not just for one for the, you know, you should, you have to both be like, both feed in. Are you guys there? Yeah.

Have you guys talked about it? Yeah, we've been talking about it for a while. Awesome. Okay. And you know, the different things that we'd like to do or like to see in the relationships. So my husband and I kind of differ. I feel more comfortable if it was somebody we knew he, on the other hand, liked to say, no, then that way, if it doesn't work out, we don't have this embarrassing moment, we don't have to, you know, go back to ever seeing that person again.

Yeah, I kind of sigh with their husband here, because it can't get tricky, you know, and I think with a friend or someone you know, I think typically it's better when it's not someone you already have an emotional connection with. Right. Maybe start there and then if it becomes really comfortable and you guys kind of feel it's a good situation, then maybe you'll learn how to set boundaries and you'll know how to pick the right partners,

but maybe start with someone you don't know. There's different sites and turn and'm trying to think about in Michigan. I mean, I think FET life, FET LIFE, is a website that helps match couples. There's also, you know, to other people in your area. There's also one called Field, F-E-E-L-D, and K to just make it easy, you can go to sexualtendly.com, and we have something called Show Notes, and then I'm going to put all these up there for you. So there's a field and that's also you guys can put a profile up.

You could just if you know a friend who maybe you heard was like, you know, into this, you could ask them. So once she opens up, you'll find someone in your community and not sure where you live in Michigan, but I don't know. There's people doing some fun things there in Michigan, I know. Some like-minded folks maybe go to Chicago for the weekend. We're hoping to find- we're willing to travel to, you know, to a different city. Go to Vegas. Go to Chicago. Chicago's happening. How about you though?

We've been to Vegas before. Well, go to Vegas and maybe find someone in Vegas, you know? I don't know, find someone, like go on a fun place away from where you're at, away from, go from Michigan, it's freezing right now anyway, probably still. Planet weekend, you know? And then do some experience, you know,

do some like, and do some role playing around and maybe watch some three some porn together or just think about what kind of person you like browse the sites, chat with someone any FaceTime with them beforehand, make sure there's some kind of connection, meet them in person, go somewhere for the weekend. Have it a big whole thing. Just the most important thing I have to recommend a couple is that you just keep checking in

about how you're feeling about the whole situation before, during, after, have a safe word in case something gets awkward. Because you don't know how you're going to feel because you've never done it before. How long have you guys been together, Katie? How many years have we been together? We've been together over 30. Okay, long time. So for 30 years, there's going to be another woman there.

And your husband's penis could be inside of her. You know what I mean? How could that feel? Like think about it before. Talk about it. Fan size about it together. Just make sure you're ready. Okay.

All right, Katie. That's my good. I love it. Keep me posted, Katie. I'm here every night for you every weekday. All right, guys. I hope you enjoyed this show. I love doing the show. I love hearing from you.

Thank you for participating and for supporting the show. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamlee.com.