Sex With Emily - A Truly Hotter Sex Life

Episode Date: February 7, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is giving you some cold weather sex tips – because, let’s face it, what else are you gonna do in the polar vortex? She’s giving you ways to turn up the heat in your sex life –literally, what to do if you’ve found yourself in the friend zone and are trying to get out, and what to do if you can orgasm – but only when you’re thinking about your ex. Plus, whether or not it’s a good idea to ask a younger guy out on a date. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Woo More Play, CalExotics, Adam and Eve, Promescent and SiriusXM. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm giving you some cold weather sex tips, because let's face it, what else are you going to do in the polar vortex? It's cold out there. I'm helping you through all your sex and relationship inquiries, topics include turning up the heat literally, ways to warm up your sex life. So you found yourself in the friend zone, now how do you get out? What to do if you can orgasm, but only when you're thinking about your ex? And whether or not it's a good idea to ask a younger guy out on a date. All this and more, thanks for listening. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions Betrubized they call them in a bike on day

Hey Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute The girls got a hair standard, oh my The women know about shrinkage Isn't it common with only? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk Being bad feels pretty good You know Evelyn's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. Check out sexwithelene.com. You can check out all the things happening on the show of our posts and all the fun things happening there. We love when you comment and subscribe on iTunes.

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You should actually do that right now because we're doing some great Valentine's Day giveaways. If you go there, you'll check it all out and you can win some cool stuff. Hope you guys enjoy the show. I thought since it's cold outside, we can talk about some sex hacks to keep things steamy this winter.

Mm-hmm, yeah. Because it's like a lot of who are staying inside. You're freezing, you're cold, you're like how can I get in the mood for sex? And I love giving some sex hacks. So. I feel like you're just everyone's just like crulled up in a ball and they're just like,

I want to have sex, babe, but I can't move. Right. It's amazing. When you get home, you just like, yeah, right. You just want to like settle in, like maybe you're just like eating more comfort food. You're not failing, sexy. So one thing is, this is just something

that is a scientifically proven fact, is that wearing socks during sex. If is that wearing socks during sex, if a woman wears socks during sex, she is more likely to orgasm. She just is, so leave those socks on. I haven't tested that one, but it's a, it's a, comes up all the time, lots of studies hearing about it for years.

Yeah, I was just about, you're about to be of winter. I was just about to ask you that if you've ever done that, because I was trying to think, have I ever left my socks on? And I don't think that I have, because I guess it's just kind of weird,

like you're completely naked, but you have socks on. I know. You could get some cute fluffy knee socks. I actually have some cute fluffy knee socks that maybe I will wear. Oh yeah, don't. Isn't that like a thing, like, you know, the button down shirt with the long-toed socks?

Yes. The long-toed socks. Yes. I have those, so I think I'll just do that. I won't take the socks off. like the button down shirt with the long-to-sauce. I have those, so I think I'll just do that. I won't take the socks off. I don't know. Exactly. The other thing is we're drinking tea anyway,

drink some hot tea and bring that into the living room. Maybe you're watching some Netflix with your partner and Netflix and chilling, and when you have some hot tea, make it pepper and tea, and then you give a surprise oral to your partner. That is going to feel great because the warm sensation, remember this, sensation play, you guys. This is something that a lot of people don't think about.

But when you are playing with different senses with your partner, and even if you're giving them oral, it can feel great to kind of use some warm up your mouth with hot tea. Pepper and tea would make it even a little bit more tingly. And that's cool because it's kind of the best of both worlds because you have the hotness from it being hot tea and then the coolness from the mint of the peppermint. Exactly. It's a mixer of all senses.

And then the other thing, one of my favorite things if you want to play a sensory play is to put a blindfold on your partner. And you could do this also without a blindfold, but massage candles. Like, tis the season for massage candles. We love massage candles. It's essentially not your regular candle at home. I'm not saying give a massage with a candle. I'm saying a massage candle that's actually you you like these massage candles and they turn into

you blow it out. You let the wax put the oil pool, it's actually oil. And you let it pool for a few minutes or, you know, minute, and then it turns into warm, luxurious oil that you pour in your partner's body and it doesn't get like messy or raxier, you know, sticky. It just is luxurious. And you put it in your partner's body, give them a massage. We've got some on our site.

We've got the Ignite Me Candles, which we love. And Jimmy Jane was one of the first to make massage candles that I love. But when you blindfold your partner, all the other senses become heightened. So you could even though it's cold, it's fun to maybe have some ice cubes by the bed. You can even though it's winter. But if you warm up with the candle and then you drag over some ice cubes over their body and then you blow on it and you can just play with different It keeps their body and you blow on it. You can just play with different senses and different temperatures. I think going from one temperature to the next, it's really cool, that feeling. When you go, you're in the jacuzzi for a really long time and it gets too warm and then

you jump into the pool and it's super cold, but when you get back into the jacuzzi, it feels so much better and more tingling. Yes. That's what you can do for your gendles, or your partner. Not exactly, but you know. Not with the jacuzzi, but the hot to the cold, the hot to the cold.

I love that. I know, these are all fun things you could do. The little oral, and then you can also use those breath strips in your mouth when you're giving oral. Oh, the whispering strips, those are really cool too. And then the other thing is, if you haven't played around with glass toys or steel, like a dildo, which is actually a toy that is if you haven't played around with glass toys or steel like a dildo Which is actually a toy that is it doesn't vibrate

You can make them hot and or cold you can put one in a warm pot water Like get a pot of warm water let it sit for a few minutes and then you know Put the toy in hotter water till the time you get the temperature you desire then you could test it out And like a glass toy can feel really cool for insertion. You can even use it to, you can use them as like a massage, like if you're using a candle, you could use them as like a roll like to kind of massage your partner as well on their body. Yeah, and the cool thing about the steel and the glass, it's like it is just like this different The cool thing about the steel and the glass, it's like it is just like this different sensation

of like, because it's like glass and steel is so smooth. Right. So when you play it, you know, it's just different. It's just a different feeling. I, the enjoy. Enjoy. Yeah, the enjoy wand. The enjoy wand. I finally tried that. I like, cooled it down a little bit. I was a little scared. Okay, so this is the thing.

I was scared because my friend, I was telling my friend about it. I was like, I was a little scared. Okay, so this is thing. I was scared because My friend I was telling my friend about it I was like I'll put it in the you know put it in the freezer and and then use it And they're like well, what if you get that like that Christmas story situation where he like stuck his tongue to the pole And he got stuck and they're like that's gonna happen to your vagina. I'm like no, it's not That's not gonna happen that doesn't happen I like I tested it very slowly because I was like, what if that does happen? Like she got in my head. I was like,

Oh my God, it sticks to your inside your vagina. God, that would beat no. I don't think that's gonna happen. So you haven't used it yet. You could use it at room temperature. It's not gonna stick to you. You could actually, you know, reconcile that,

but that would be pretty funny. You'd have to take a picture. Yeah, you would be the only person I would of course. Kind of tapey, like I'm late to happen, but no, no, I like I tried it and it didn't. But the way I guess what I did instead of putting it just straight in the freezer is I just took like a bunch of ice packs and wrapped it around. And then did you try it? Yeah. And it felt amazing. Right. It's like,

it's like coolness. Yeah. Even if it's hot, you can be under your sheets and then your warm covers then use like a cold. I should do fun, my enjoy and do that too. You are inspiring me for the weekend. The enjoy is a, it's great for penetration for women. Like if you haven't found your G-Spot yet or you just like internal stimulation, it's a different kind of pressure than using a vibrator and it feels really good. It's called the enjoy.

We'll put this all in the show notes. And the other thing is for warm weather, cold weather, cold weather, sex, this is such a fun time of year to have sex in the shower. Take a bath together with your partner. When was the last time you did that? Or yourself? Take a bath by yourself.

This is like the bathing season. So, you know, you could, I don't know. I'm a huge fan of everyone masturbating. And especially for women, a lot of us, what prevents us from wanting to have sex and what prevents us from wanting to masturbate is that a lot of it is we're anxiety, stress, we don't make the time, but when you get into a bath,

and you like put in like your favorite bath salts, like don't be saving them for like another day, like use them to pamper yourself. Your whole body just becomes relaxed, and you're more likely to get out, use your favorite oil, masturbate, or with your partner. Take a shower, take a warm shower. And a lot of sex toys, if you are using, a lot of them are waterproof or splash proof.

And they'll usually say like on the box and stuff, so you can bring your toys with you. Yeah. True that. That's true. Bring toys into the tub. Take the partner. I love it. I know.

But my favorite thing ever, though, for sex in the shower is definitely the sports sheets. Yes. Sex in the shower kit. Yeah, it's called sex in the shower and it's a line of products that are made just for sex in the shower because the duo sex shower sex is it sounds really fun and romantic and sexy and hot, but when you act well to try to do it, it's like people can slip. They can fall. You think that water is a lubric do it, it's like people can slip. They can fall.

You think that water is a lubricant, but it's not. You need to add loops. So the sex and the shower line, they make products like a suction handle that sticks to the wall. So you're sturdy. They make a, this is my favorite. The vi- I'll never get told for me.

The vibrating lufa. It's like a lufa sponge, but it has a little vibrator in it. Like one of those little bullet vibes. So you can play in the shower and they have loobs and things. And it's concealed really well in the Lufa. So it looks like just a regular Lufa. Yeah, you can't tell what it is.

So I had that in my shower for a long time. I need to get a new one. Do we have any more here? I'm gonna take that home for a weekend. So I think that is fun too. So you can check it this all out at Honor website. We've got a little store there if you want to do some shopping. Or just some looking or think of ways that

you can continue to you know stay warm when it's cold out and turn down and happy. Alright those little tips here. Alright we're going to take a quick break and then we'll come back with more. We're going to talk to Paul, who's 48 in California, and he's being put in the friend's own, and he's trying to get out. Paul, tell me everything. Hi Emily, I just apologize to the talk to you. And I really enjoy your station and just got into it. I need a relationship, an answer to my relationship question here.

I've been put in the friends by this wonderful girl that I met right after I got divorced. Well, about two years after I got divorced, we started dating and nothing was serious. It was more, I was just, really, I was nervous, I was very nervous in getting a new relationship and we started to become really close friends, doing a lot of things together and everything and when things started getting a little serious she backed off and said that she wasn't ready. Well, I kind of like took it as, okay, well, be here as your friend. I'm always here for you. And decided to keep on, you know, with dating and stuff.

And I did. I dated. And while I'm dating, I still get calls and texts and emails from her constantly. She tells me her problems with her relationships her sexual really, I mean, something there, sex life, and I'm just kind of like, you know, I'm there to hear for her, to hear it, and I'm kind of uncomfortable by it. I don't know what to do. So what do you want? No, I get it.

I get everything here. So here's the thing, you had feelings for her, or do you say that you still have feelings for her? Like, what do you want from this relationship? Do you think it's actually eventually going to turn around? You still love her and want to be with her. Yeah, I would love to be with her. She's everything that we're very compatible at the beginning. And she travels a lot on her business and she's always finding, you know, relationships that don't work and he's been in through

probably in the past year and a half, she's probably been in the three relationships. And I don't know. Yeah, okay, so Paul, what you gotta do is, listen, you can't be her friend anymore. If you still, if you love her and you wanna be with her, that's the only way you're gonna be able to figure out what can actually happen with your relationship.

If you let her know that I still have feelings for you, I want this to be more than friends. And so we're going to have to cut contact for a little bit because it's not easy for me to hear about all these relationships you're in. I think we should be together. I think we're meant to be together. We have this great connection, but I can't be available to hear about all these guys you're dating that aren't working. That just doesn't work for me.

And it's also keeping you from meeting new people paul because you're still there and she calls and you want to be that friend but i think once you like and that's a very strong move that might actually who knows what could happen but either way you're going to get your answer and you're going to be able to move on with your life either with her or without her. Well i did do something like that last year. I mean, this was like near the holidays. I did tell her we went out to eat and she invited me out to eat. And we spent a long time talking.

And I did give her that, you know, hey, I feel like I care for you very much. I'm tired of seeing these relationships. I would like to start one with you and go forward and I never got an answer. She just like let it go. There's no answer. Yeah. But then the next time she called you, but then the next time she called you with a problem

you probably texted her back and said oh yeah let me help you with this guy so you have to stick to your boundaries. I am too nice to the guy that you can't leave. I know. Be this nice to yourself, then Paul. Be this nice to yourself and don't waste any more time with someone who's not going to be able to return the love and the way that you need it.

Maybe if you guys are truly meant to be friends, you will be, but it sounds like you are a nice guy and you want to be in a relationship. So you said at once, but she didn't get an answer. There's nothing to answer there. You were telling her, I can't be friends you will be but sounds like you are a nice guy and you want to be in a relationship so you said it once but she didn't get an answer there's nothing to answer there you were telling her I can't be with you unless we're romantic and then she didn't give you an answer and I'd say no answers and answer she was like okay I'm not gonna say anything here but I still need his advice because he's a really good friend. Right.

Right. I'm getting I just thought I just thought you know because I mean she's always wanting to know about my sexual relationships with the women I'm with she's always wanting to give me graphic detail on some of her relationships and I'm uncomfortable and think wow is this something you're into or I don't know one more conversation with her then Paul one more conversation with her and you say listen I brought this up a year ago and I just need some clarity on this. I know how I feel about you. I love you, I think I care about you.

But in your time being these things about your sex life and relationships, I want more of from our relationship. Like I think about being with you and having sex with you. And so is that something that is interesting to you? Are you into me in that way? See what she says and then if not, you're gonna have to just cut the communication not forever Maybe for six months no social media and follow her everywhere

You know and don't just then you're gonna realize it might be really hard and you'll miss her or maybe who know She'll really miss you and realize that she has feelings but right now keeping it how it's been the last two years Nothing's changed so you got to make a change if you want to see some change. You got to do something different here. And I'm not going to be easy. You're going to have to pull back. I know Paul. I know it's not in here, but it's truth. Okay, Paul, do that. Let me know. It goes. Well, happy to find someone else. I'm going to get over night. Okay. Thanks, Paul. I just want you to get what you want. I want it all to get our needs met. I want you to get what you, I want us all to get our needs met. You know, triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. We say it the friend zone a lot. That's a really interesting question.

Like the guys, I guess women fall into the friend zone too, but we often hear from guys like, why is it? And you know why you fall into the friend zone? If you're like driving, you're like, I'm always in the friend zone. It's because you're leading with being a great friend. Because you're not leading with, I'm interested in you and leading with your, you're letting that man, that'm interested in you and leading with your, you're letting that man that's like, desirous of a partner and letting them know, like,

I'm interested in having sex with you and being intimate. I'm not your best friend. I'm not changing your tire. I'm not picking up your medicine at Walgreens. Like, I'm not your best for, I'm not your friend. And I think a lot of times men are somehow told I don't know Ken was always in the friends on your about that Ken hably Mary now, but I believe that and was a friend zone guy. Yeah for years right? Yeah years and years and years and and why though? Why do you think that was? Can you can you give us some insight into the mind of a friend zone guy? Well, these for me Yeah, I can't yeah, so at least this friend's okay So so one it was it was a lot about self confidence, where, you know, and I know

which is strange because you know me now and Shane and Dan were sitting over there knowing me now, and I'm, I'm sometimes too confident, but the, when it came to relationships, I, I never had the confidence. So I, I like a lot of guys. I think they wait for the woman or a partner to make the first move and to be aggressive. When that wasn't happening, the thought was, I'm a nice guy, you know. The approach was, I would do everything I would want to do to show the person what kind of person I was and wait for the response. And if the response wasn't romantic, I would either continue to be that nice guy and not asking.

Then I would wind up with girls that I like in high school. I remember when I would go out all the time. And finally, it took so much nerve, and I got up the nerve, and I did just what you just said. And I said, do you want to go out as more than friends? And she was like, no. And I'm like, OK, well, I guess we'll just continue. Just like me.

And because I, in my head, it was still like, OK, I'm just going to keep doing the same path, because that's all I knew how to do. Right. we are. And because I, in my head, it was still like, okay, I'm just gonna keep doing the same path because that's all I knew how to do. Right, because you're a nice guy too. And you're like, well, if I show them a good person, like my mom raised me, I'm a good gun. You just, you just, you just, you just, I'm air, I have emotions.

Right, you just, you just expect it, you just expect it to happen. Yeah, that, that, that, that, that, and that led to my first marriage because she was the first one, you know, that was, she was the first one. She was the first one. Well, she was the first one that pursued me. that was that she was the first one. She was the first one actually. Well, she was the first one that pursued me. And it was

and it was and it was interesting and the so when it was a short-lived marriage and you know, and luckily I learned a lot from it, that changed how I approach relationships. But the the interesting thing and I found out years later that two at least two of the girls that I was friend-zoned with were waiting for me to ask them out. Oh, you never even asked them out. You just assumed that if I was waiting, that's another end of the friend's on. You're right with guys who never even get there.

They're like, I assume that she's gonna let me know cause it is confident. It is. I have to say, it was never- There was no rejection and all these things. It was, I didn't know how, and we would go, and to me it was like is confidence. It is. I have to say it was never- I have to say it was never- It was never- It was never- It was never-

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After we broke up, we were intimate with other people while still being intimate with each other. We wanted to end up together, but wanted to experience other things first to see if it was meant to be. I finally gave another man a chance, which is when my ex finally decided he wanted to be with me, but I was getting older and didn't want to risk losing this new person that could be good for me. Fast forward, I married the guy after my ex. My ex married to someone else and we've quote-unquote moved on. I love my husband He's amazing the sweetest kind of man, but our sex is a lot more mellow compared to him with my ex My concern is that I'll never have the same connection with my husband that I shared with my ex

And I'm only able to orgasm ever by thinking about my ex This makes me feel extremely guilty and frothy and this happens every single time Any advice on how to erase past memories? This is a really good question, Lena. Thanks for this question, because I think this can be, this is relatable in a lot of different ways. I think we tend to, there's a lot of things going on here. We tend to glorify our past, relations, just to weak it out of them.

We have this thing called euphoric recall, where our axiom when we first break up, we're like, yeah, we're breaking out with them. It's not great, but like a week, a month, we put them on this pedestal, where all we can remember, all the amazing things. Sex was so amazing, was the best sex I ever was, such a great connection.

And our brains love to kind of attach to things that are going to disrupt us from having happiness, okay? There is a negativity bias, the way our brains are just wired. So once we all get comfortable with that knowing that we can change those thoughts, the better off we're all gonna live here. So I want to know what I think is going on here is Lena is that is that it's kind of this has become a mechanism or a tactic for you, not consciously, to not really have to be present in your relationship with your husband.

So I feel like this might be a way to be avoiding a real kind of intimacy with your husband because you you're always thinking about this act. You've created this whole story that it was the 10 years like this is your story. Like I bet you tell the story to your friends and you tell the story like the one that got away. We get attached to these things right but I feel like he's moved on. You've been a relationship now for a how long 10 years you've been a relationship now for how long? 10 years you've been with him? Are you married to this guy?

How long have you been with your husband now? But the point is, you need to talk to your husband about spicing up and get your brain out of the past and then moving into some future that we never know is gonna happen with, if you think you're gonna break up with your husband and end up with the ex, that is not gonna happen. I really think that this is a great time for

you to just turn towards your husband and be like, let's talk about our sex life. What can we do that would be really interesting to spice things up and to make things interesting to both of us. I mean, sex is about both of you. You don't have to solve it on your own. So if it just mellow with your husband, he probably thinks it's fine. He has no idea that you might be needing something else. And I promise you, if you had amazing sex, amazing orgasms, their ex, it's completely possible to create something like that, but probably better with your husband who you've committed a life to. So the only thing missing here, Lena, literally the only thing you have to do is practice

when you're thinking about this, ex, and all these things is going towards your husband, not away from him and saying, baby, how can we work on our sex life? What can we do together to make it more interesting, to spice it up, try some toys, talk about fantasies. I mean, there's a whole lot of things we talk about here on the show. Okay, should we take a new name?

Yes. I want to do this one here. All right, so we have Tammy 50 from USA, which, you know, most of you are, but that's fine. She writes, hi Emily. Recently found your show It's become my new favorite podcast slash radio show. Love it. Anyways, I'm 50 years old But when I meet people, they think I'm in my mid to late 30s because I'm active in shape and healthy I'm single and happen for some time. I've been working out with a trainer and found myself crushing on him

We have a lot of the same interests, but the issue is he's 31. I know people have issues with this big of an age gap. I don't, because I don't see myself as a 50-year-old woman, whatever that's supposed to look and act like. Dude's my age are older and too busy talking aches and pains, and I just don't have time or any desire to deal with that. I'm afraid to ask this guy out primarily due to the age thing. I've never done it before, and I'm scared.

What do you think? Oh, okay, Tammy, this is a great question. First of all, I totally got it. I look a lot younger than I am and I feel like I often do go out with younger guys. That's just how it happens. 20-year age difference is a lot. I get that too, but I don't really think that age has to matter if you feel compatible with them. So, now, is this someone that you think that A test matter if you feel compatible with them.

Now, is this someone that you think you're going to have a long relationship with that you're just looking for sex? I feel like if you're honest and you ask them out for coffee or for a drink and you see what happens, I think that maybe you could have some great chemistry with them and some fun sex, but I'm not going to judge you on this. I think there's a lot of older men dating younger women and older women dating younger men. So I feel like you're right on board here, saying that like if that's what you're into and you're attracted to them, I mean, I was just texting with a friend who's 48 and she's dating a 22 year old. Like I write for the show dating like flirting with not probably can spend the rest of her life with maybe he's 25. But they're having sex and it's fun and they're doing things. So you never know where things are gonna go in life.

Sure, maybe one day he's gonna want kids or a family or things can change. But right now, if you're really honest and you're like, ask him out and there's a connection and you have sex and you guys keep protecting your own, you know, you talk about what you both want and your goals, I don't see how you could both get hurt with this if you're honest.

Maybe you just have some amazing sex and it'll get your motor flowing again and then you'll be ready to go out and date some more. I don't have a problem with this if you're honest, maybe you'll just have some amazing sex and it'll get your motor flowing again and then you'll be ready to go out and date some more. I don't have a problem with this. Yeah, and at least when you go for it, you know. You tried. You know your answer. And then I feel like, I mean, what's the age?

Because I feel like when you're younger, especially like in high school or young 20s, you find out someone likes you and you don't like them back. You get all awkward and you're all like, oh no, I can't like, talk to them normally because they like me, but I've never been that way. I've always been like, yeah, I know you like me. I just don't feel the same way, but I think we could be friends.

Right. Because you're saying what could the damage be here be? Yeah, I think that he'll probably still, she could enter, so Tammy, you could say to him in a way that's like, hey, I feel like there's this connection. I'd love to get a drink with you sometime if you're into it. And then he give you like, if he says yes or no, or I have a girlfriend, you can say, you can switch it. We're adults.

We don't have to hold on to it like we're 12. Yeah. If you don't feel rejected by this and you maybe it's better just to be honest because your attraction is going to keep going. So you might as well just, you know, face it. So I think being honest is the best way to do it. And but if you decide it's uncomfortable and you don't have to train with them anymore,

but this age thing comes up a lot. I think that there was a study that came out last year that said 10 years is the cut off. Like 10 years and younger is when 10 years or less is when the age gap works. But when it's over 10 years, like for long term relationships, like it doesn't sound like Tammy's looking for long term hair, maybe just some fun. Yeah. Like it doesn't sound like Tammy's looking for long term here, maybe just some fun.

Yeah. That typically doesn't work. But I feel like you hear exceptions to every, you know, in every case. And I think that, you know, a lot of us are living longer or we're going in second marriages, second relationships that it just happens. But I think again, you guys,

like everything, it comes down to communication and thinking if you both have the same goals or you want the same things, even if it's just sex, like to find that. Thanks everyone for listening. Hope you love the show. Thanks to my amazing team Ken, Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you?

Email me. Feedback at sexwithemleap.com. sexwithemleap.com.