Sex With Emily - A Whole New Kind of Oral

Episode Date: November 7, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls to give you the hacks that will elevate your relationships and your oral game. She discusses the surprising lessons short term relationships can teach us, a new oral sex method you’ll definitely to want to try, and how to teach your partner a new kissing style. Plus, she cracks down on the signs you may or may not be ready to move in with your partner. Thank you supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE:  Uberlube, ThirdLove, Good Vibrations & Magic Wand Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more advice, tips and tricks visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex With Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls and giving you some tips that you'll definitely want to try. Tavics include, the lessons you can learn from your shorter relationships, a new oral sex method that almost every vulva owner will love. Ways to take your partner's kissing skills from DRAB to FAV, how do you and your partner break into amateur porn, and how do you know if it's the right time to cohabitate? All this and more, thanks for listening. Betrubized, they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but all of it? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here, I'm so drunk.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Avaline's not the kind of girl you just play with. I'm going to be in bad, feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and you can also find us on all social media at atsexwithemily. Everywhere, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, all those fun places.

Before I get into this show where I'm taking your calls today, which is very exciting, I've Facebook, all those fun places. Before I get into this show where I'm taking your calls today, which is very exciting, I've got some sex in the news, I have a very special announcement for all of my listeners. I'm so excited to tell you that I have a new show coming out. It's actually Sex with Emily on SiriusXM Radio. And it's going to be five days a week. It's starting November 12th. It's on Stars channel 109. And I'll be there every day, you guys. I'll be there Monday through Friday,

five to seven PM, Pacific, and eight to 10 Eastern. And you guys can call it and just talk to me on the radio, even more sex talk. And I have to tell you guys what this means for me personally. First, let me tell you what it means for you. Nothing's gonna change, except for you have more options to listen to Sex with Family on the radio if you want. I'll still be doing podcasts and everything is gonna be great.

On a personal note, I wanted to share with you that I love doing live radio. And I really, that was really a dream of mine when I started this show like 13, 14 years ago. And I had a little taste of it, and then I thought, raw radio is dead, and I love podcasting, and I'll keep going with it. And then this opportunity happened,

and I did a little test show in June here for five days and went really well. And so this is just, I don't know, I just want to share it. It's a great dream. I loved speaking to people live. This is why I love these call shows. So here today, we set up calls with you guys.

So we could still do that here. You can also call into serious exam. I'll be talking more about it. But I just want to thank everyone for supporting the show and for being a part of this show for the last 13 plus years, or even just only been 13 minutes, you know, however long you've been listening. Everyone, all my listeners have helped me get to this point and supported the show. So we can keep going this long and just keep expanding so we can keep going this long and just keep expanding the audience. What I'm most excited about is that it's gonna reach so many more people now who actually might not listen

to podcasts or they've got Sirius XM satellite in their car, so I'm just thrilled. So thank you all for sharing this with me and I'm of course, if you do have Sirius XM call in at those times and I'll be telling you more about it soon. Okay, some sex in the news. Okay, so last night I was at this really cool event.

I got invited by a friend of mine and it was at an art gallery and it was for about 20-25 women. It was like a fundraiser, but it was also really cool art and women's empowerment and just cool chicks who are doing great things in LA. And we all had to go around and say what we did. And of course, you know, when I said I have a show, Sex and Family, it was great, because there's actually some women who are like,

oh my god, I listen to your show. But what often happens is that these events afterwards, a lot of women came up to me and they just started asking me questions and eventually it turned into, you know, a sex with Emily, little group sex session, which I actually love. I love these spontaneous women. They're like,

oh my God, I've never had anyone to ask this question too. So there was one woman who came out to me and she said, I've got a question for you. And I think she's in her late 20s. And she's raised Persian, Jewish. And she said that she's like, you know, I want to have casual sex with men. But I was raised in this religion where, you know,

it's just wrong to have casual sex. And you should only be dating with the purpose of finding that person you're gonna marry. And she thought, isn't it mean like if we all manifest or when we put out what we wanna receive that it's actually not right for me to have sex with someone I know it's not gonna go anywhere?

She really felt like that was something that was wrong and that would keep her from her goal of finding the one. And I was just like telling her that I think that, you know, and it's from her cultural or her religion and her family. She said, you know, I have to tell you, I never really took the time to form my own opinion outside of what my family says and what my culture upbringing said. And I thought she said that so well that she was so honest.

Like, you know, I don't really know what I think because these are the messages that I've been told since I was a baby, you know? And so I just tend to say that you don't actually, I think it can actually really be healthy to have these shorter relationships in our life or relationships, so even just casual sex that you feel good about, that's consensual. Especially for women, I think I used to be somewhat

in her boat that I thought casual sex was more or frivolous sex was more benefit my partner than me because I didn't know. First of all, I was like, I don't know how you have great sex with a person when you first meet them, but then also it seemed like, you know, there was just like more rules. I thought, well, maybe someone wouldn't respect you. This is when I was like, you know, in my early 20s, someone would respect you. And the point is I said to her, no, you actually can learn a lot from dating people, you know,

having periods where you're going out with people you just met and maybe having some sex, like random sex. Because I think that's random sex with a purpose of maybe understanding what you like and what you don't like. Like, you will find that husband one day, but it's just so great to have experience with others, even if you're practice communicating what you want. Bed, I think they can be healthy for you to have shorter relationships and just try not to have too many beliefs around exactly how you think relationships should go down and have all these really strict rules about finding love because it's not really just about love, it's about finding who you are when you're in

a relationship. And maybe it's love, maybe it's not. So I just think all these things are learning opportunities. And then I saw this article today, lessons you can learn from short term relationships. And I thought it had some really good points. So it says, you know, when it comes to love in relationships, a lot of things seem to be learned the hard way. I actually think that we learn a lot from relationships

and it is hard, but some of the best work we do are in relationships. And so there's not really right or wrong way to love, but it basically just says, you know, how you can learn from our own relationships. And so there's not really right or wrong way to love, but it basically just says, you know how you can learn from these shorter relationships. So forever doesn't exist is the first point. And I love this, I've heard this quote, people come into your life for a reason, a season,

or a lifetime. I've had experiences with people, you know, whether I'm dating or not, that are really intense, like maybe you meet a modification or an airplane, and it's like for a moment, and you just think, well, I know I met this person for a reason and it kind of gives you this sense of every time we're with a person, we don't have to be thinking what does this mean.

Is it forever? Is it for another week? What about if it's just for the moment and whatever you're going to be, whatever the two of you are going to create in that moment by meeting each other? So I just kind of like that, you know, forever doesn't have to exist to think in a relationship that every time you go out with someone, you're sitting across them. Maybe it's the first date and you're like, could I marry this person? Are they going to be the one?

Is it forever? I mean, I just think that we never really know what's going to happen, right? There's a lot of other things that could happen. So I think it's okay to think of someone as Mr. or Mrs. right now instead of Mr. or Mrs. Right. Another point is, no one can make you happy except for yourself. And I think that a lot of us kind of date with the notion that somebody is going to come in

and they're gonna fix our blues. They're gonna make us feel so much happier all the time, but happiness is an inside job and it's fully reliant actually on you. Like no one's gonna save you and make you suddenly happier. You're not like a half a person wandering around looking for your other half so you can become whole. So the thing about happiness is I think it's important to keep working on our own inner happiness

and then make sure that you're with someone. I think there's a lot to be said for you feel happier when you're with someone. You feel like the best version of yourself rather than saying they are fully responsible for my happiness. Another point, which I think is great for all relationships to remember this, you guys. This is like the most, I mean, I hope everyone can just take this for a moment.

Especially if you're dating someone right now and it's new and you're, or you've even been together for a while and you're deciding to go to the next steps. Let me tell you this, You can't change others. People are not going to change, unless they want to change. So whoever they were before they met you,

they're still going to be that person. I think that a lot of us think, well, you know, it's okay, I'm gonna stay with them, but they're gonna change. I'll get them to eat healthier, or like the kind of movies I like, or stop drinking or something. And this is something my mother told me too.

There's a few things in here that I was like, these are some, she didn't tell me a ton about relationships, but the little messages she did tell me are right and that is that people don't change. And so just remember that you might even be a place right now where you're finding yourself thinking, oh, I just hope these things change or I'll be able to change them.

Remember, no one, just assume right now that the person you're with is pretty much who they are. Okay? So remember that. And you're not responsible for them changing. Always put yourself first. Now I know this might sound really selfish to you, but self-improvement, self-care, prioritizing your own needs is never selfish. Because the best thing we can do for any relationship is to improve ourselves because the better we are,

the more we're working on ourselves, the better our relationship is. And I think that relationships can stagnate over time because we all lose interest in advancing ourselves. And we just get comfortable with our partner. But I think the more we're on our path, then we don't feel guilty or selfish for taking time for self-improvement courses, seeing our friends, learning something new. I think that we have to know that that's actually part of being human and doing that will actually make us better lovers, so and better partners.

I'll enjoy that one, you guys. Hope you'll take a few things home. I love this one, you guys. It's a new method. Well, I don't know if it's new. It's a method for oral sex. It says it's a better way for oral. And you know, I just love hearing new oral tips.

And this one wasn't so hard to figure out. And I think that you might enjoy if you're with a Volvo owner. Okay, it's called the Kiven method And they said that it was on a recent reddit thread and that there's a lesser known alternative oral sex method that they want to try out. Okay, so Here it is and remember you guys it's not work on it everybody, but it's an exciting way of performing oral sex and there have been so bold claims about its effectiveness and orgasm in three minutes and 60% of women with people with vaginas experienced faster and more intense orgasms. Okay, you guys, I don't know about that one.

But let's hear how you do it so you can try it. Try it at home, try it with your partner, see if it works. And the other thing I like about this is, even if it doesn't work, you're probably going to find another method or another nerve ending or something that you might have missed before on the vulva. Because we know there are 8,000 of them. So here's the gist.

Rather than coming in from between the legs, so your partner's lying on their back and you're kind of coming up between their legs, the giver comes in from the side. So meaning you're like sitting on your side leaning over into their volva. So basically you place the index finger and thumb on either side of the clitoris to raise and study it. Remember do this gently and use some lube. That's okay, you know, kissing and foreplay,

all that stuff is important. But hopefully the clitoris is already little aroused right now. And then instead of licking up and down on the vulva, you're gonna go from side to side across the clitoral hood. So like windshield wiper tongue back and forth instead of up and down.

So what they're saying is this, which makes sense, this helps to stimulate a wider area of the clitoris than conventional methods usually used. The positioning is okay. So here's some of the things that the positioning, it's best to approach over the thighs rather than underneath. So with the left hand, the giver needs to place the middle finger on the perineum. So what we're saying is your right hand is stabilizing the clitoris, it's raising it up, and the left hand is going, the middle finger is on the perineum, which is that area between the vagina and the anus.

And while you're doing that, it's because you want to feel for different muscle contractions. So you could kind of tell if your partner's nearing orgasm, you can begin to concert on the head of the clitoris with a tongue. So you're supposed to feel some contractions and then from your licking, and then that way it's like a little indicator that you could switch it up and just concentrate on the head.

So basically this theory is you're trying three different variations. You're going on the side, using a different hand position and you're looking across the literal hood. So what I found interesting, yeah, they have one review in here. My wife found it unpleasant, but I found that gently pressing my finger against her anus, her anal schvinkter worked better than the perineum.

So that's interesting. And the key is to keep the pace and pressure consistent, which by the way, is always really important during oral sex to kind of keep it consistent. Another person said that she came within five minutes of me finding the rhythm. It's usually 15 to 20 minutes. So I don't know you guys. Let me know what you think. I just emailed this to my boyfriend. So I haven't even tried it yet. I'll let you know what happens. I actually would love to hear if you guys try this out. We can even post a link to it on the website or on the show notes.

So you can see what you think. Okay guys, there's some more all sex, some relationship tips. Now we're going to get into your calls. I'm so glad I love call shows. We're going to take a quick break, shout out to our sponsors. Thank you for supporting them and I hope you're right back. Okay, we are back. And now we're going to get into your calls. God, I love these shows.

I love answering your questions. It's why I do what I do. So if you have a question you want answered on the show, just text Ask Emily all one word to 7979 or go to my website, sexwithmwe.com, click the Ask Emily tab and always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. So our next call is Kelly 23 from Georgia. Her sex life has increased. There's some kinks that have started up here and but she's not sexually satisfied. Hey Kelly. Hi. Hi. Thanks so much for calling in. So tell me what's going on. So it's kind of a lot.

going on. So it's kind of a lot. Me and my boyfriend, who is 22, have been dating for like two years now, it started off kind of like the sex life part of it. It started off kind of interesting just because he has some really bad past sexual experiences. Okay. And that's been, you know, kind of something that we've been dealing with for a long time. But then we both moved to Florida recently. And things have just been sort of, sort of looking forward, out of the blue. Okay.

Like, we have been having sex probably about three times a day. Wow. Two times a day. Okay. Like, two months. Like, not two, I don't know. It's just not typical for us. And then, um, from top of that recently, she's been really wanting to do a, which is like, you know, something I totally be okay with trying and I have tried with him. Since he's been interested in it but I have also expressed to him that it really just doesn't do anything for me. I like that I turned him on and

I like that that's something that we both share that he's comfortable enough coming to me with that but I just don't like it. It hurts me. Right. Okay. So I've told him that and I'm like I just, you know, it's not, I just feel like you're getting so much more out of this. Exactly. Yeah, no, I hear you. And then it's so frustrating. And then the thing that kind of sent me to email you. I was, when one night we were, you know, getting intimate in the bedroom. And then he was like, hey, can you just spit on my face? And I was like, sure, you know, okay. But then I, I mean, I keep you not Emily.

I thought I was going to say 30 minutes and he was like, with only looking my butt. Like, so all the time. Right. Okay. Oh my God. So he didn't know probably where to leave here. I can. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So, so what you're saying is your sex life increase because you moved to Florida.

And now it's three times a day, which is too much for you, or it would be okay if you were having pleasure. So basically, here's what I'm hearing, so tell me if this is right. So Kelly, I'm hearing that like, you guys been together for two years, sex has been good,

and now it's more frequent, he's having more demand, he's speaking more about what he wants, and it sounds like you need to probably talk about more about what he wants and it sounds like you're, you know, you need to finally talk about more about what you want with him and figure out what that is. You're both having pleasure, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So, that's correct. So, tell me, have you talked to him about like what you actually want and what turned you on? I guess not really. I guess I've really only kind of channeled the whole anal dozen turned me on. I guess not really. I guess I've really only kind of channeled the whole anal doesn't turn me on. Right.

I don't have that. So that's the conversation of like this does. Right. No. Okay. So this is great though because what a great opportunity because here's, here's what you've to understand is that you're both like early 20s, right? You eat 22, you're 23.

You've been together two years, you know, even if you guys have had partners in the past or a few, you just haven't had enough, like, years it on the planet to even have this kind of experience at. You might not know exactly what you want, but the good news is this is, it sounds like you've a willing partner who wants to experiment. And so it's on you now to kind of, you know, I can get to the anal in a minute because I get that. Like, if you, it's not great just to start with anal and if it's been painful in the past,

you know, we'll get to that. but do you know my first most important question Kelly is do you know what you do want like do you know yet what what does turn you on and what you're craving. And it's okay if you don't. I don't know if I do know. I know what works when it's happening but I guess I'm not like he's so imaginative you know he's like let's try this because I've either seen it or I thought about it. And like, let's try it.

But I guess I've never really been the one to think in my head, ooh, I think maybe I was like that. Let's see what it's like. Yeah, it's so, like, oh, wow, it's happening. I like it. And I haven't really thought about it. Right. Okay.

So first of all, I was going to say, it sounds like he watched a lot of porn because he's got all these ideas. He's like, sit on my face. Yeah. Like, all of a sudden you're like, okay, and then he's like in your butt, right? And usually that's a, it can be a butt thing, but a lot of times it's an oral sex thing, right? Like we want him to go down, you know, we want him to like lick your vulva and not your anus. And so that would have been, so with that, it's like it sounds like he's just trying to see cool stuff that he's seen in porn. So what I like here is you might not, how do you feel about porn? I'm, you know, if you watch it.

If you watch it. If you then I can find it. Oh, but I'm okay with it. I'm okay with porn that turns you on. I'm not okay with any porn, because listen, most porn is created from the male gaze. So there's a guy, producer, director. He's like, this is what I think would be hot, right?

Since the beginning of time, and they set up scenarios that are mostly men's fantasies, it might not work for you. It might. You could try it out, but I think this just comes back down to your own masturbate. Do you masturbate? Do I? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And you have, yeah sure. Do you orgasms? Do you use toys? Yeah. And do you fantasize? Yeah. Oh, awesome. Okay. So do you want to tell me what you're talking about? This is great. We're so good here. So you have all the pieces. I'm just gonna put them together for you. So Yeah, yeah, yeah, so what do you think about if you tell me when you masturbate? Is there like one primer usually we have like one or two things we go to that is like, you know

Maybe you're making out with him or it's someone you've seen or an exploit like is there something you think about during sex that particularly gets you there? Yeah, yeah, it's more of like the situation of like, honestly more of like a least expected sort of a thing, like a, like you're at like a party or whatever and it just like happens almost not like publicly, but more like it's just like, I don't know, a bracative sort of. Okay, kind of like aggressive, like he takes? Yeah, like it surprises you when he takes you and like

Can't control his urges and like maybe it's a little aggressive, but not really painful. Yeah, but like he grabs you Takes you right. That's like the big thing. It's not like painful. It's also very like I Don't know just okay like one-on-one kind of a thing right okay So I think the great thing is that you both want to like really learn right now because I think your boyfriend does. He's just doing what he's seen because he's actually, he's imaginative

because I'm going to take a guess that he does watch a lot of porn and that's where a lot of it can come from. And maybe he masturbates a lot and he's got all these fantasies. So you're just gonna have to, if you want to, catch up. And so you could say to him, like, I think this starts with a talk, like just,

and it could be reading a Radica. It could be building on that one fantasy you said, like maybe next time you masturbate and you're in your mind, you're like, okay, what party am I at? And what am I wearing? So the more specific you can get in your details about what feels good to you, then you can explain these scenarios to him. I think you got to, outside the bedroom, you and your boyfriend, you just start with like talking about it and just being like, hey, let's talk.

You know, maybe when you're out on the weekend or just let's talk about our sex life, like let them know, like I'm so, you know, it's fun that we're having all this sex, but you'd be honest, I mean, I will you. I think there's a great time to see, like, you know what, I realize I talk to sex with Emily, you could say, you talk to your friends,

whatever feels good to you and say, I've just realized that I don't actually know, I know I'm saying no to anal, but are no to these things, but I'm trying to figure out, can you help me? Or let's get into it together, and then you guys could go make it an adventure. You could go to a sex toy store, go shopping, you could find some porn that you like, you could read a rhodica together, exchange passages, and just try to find those things, you know? And then I think if you masturbate, then you know what feel good.

So for example, if you're sitting on a space for half hour, I want you and I also feel there's part of you that feels like you can't move or you can't make those suggestions because maybe, you know, and I'm telling you, I was exactly like how you are. I had no idea what turned me on. I fell uncomfortable saying it. To even partners I loved and I'd been with,

I'm like, well, they know. And I wouldn't even know where to tell them to move. But in that moment, like you would know, like maybe to move back so he could be licking your vulva, rightva or your clitoris. I think it's just a matter of having the confidence to do that. And once you talk to him and you just say, let's make it, I want to make it great too for me.

And it's not that I don't want to have this pleasure. Because I think for anal too, typically starting with anal isn't great for a lot of women. You want to be turned on, you want to have orgasm first if you can, a clitoral orgasm, and then move day and with his finger, if that feels good and a bunch of women, you want to be turned on, you want to have orgasm first if you can, a little orgasm, and then move day and with his finger, like, if that feels good, and a bunch of lube, but you can take it off the table for now, but a lot of women have had bad first time, and all that a few times.

So I think it goes back to you guys have to communicate about this, he doesn't know this stuff. So here's the other thing, like, great lovers are not born, they're made. So you guys have to create this together, right? So he just doesn't know. So I think he's really excited this is happening and I think you need to tell him what's important to you.

OK. And so for when it's actually happening, like it gets into that angle play like the middle of that in the middle of sex, like is there something that I can say during it? I know. I'm not going to go quick like now. No, see here's the other thing.

You want to, unless you're in excruciating pain, you want to be like, no, but I think you could just scoot your leg back and say try it here. Oh my God, it feels so good. Lick me here, take your finger,

point to your clitoris, your Volvo wherever you want it, your Lebia, and show them. I would just, in the moment, I think in your mind, you might think, he'll freak out, or be like, stop, what are you doing? But I'll probably be like, great.

I just want to lick you. I think this is hot for you to sit on my face. You know what I'm saying? So I think just in the moment, directing him. And that's why I also always talk about mutual masturbation for a couple. So he can see exactly how you touch yourself when you masturbate.

And this is all really hot. I think he'll find this sexy as well, because then he's gonna know. He wants to please you, you want to please him, you both want pleasure, this is all really hot. I think he'll find this sexy as well, because then he's going to know. He wants to please you. You want to please him. You both want pleasure. You want the same things. So you just got to practice talking about it.

Yeah. But I think it's great that you masturbate, that you know how to, what you're doing and, you know, what feels good. So it's talking to him. Yeah. And he is, like, typically really good. I mean, every time we have sex, like, it's 100% like tending to my knees and I'm always orgasming, which is not right.

That's amazing. Which is not typical for my experience. And we've done well communicating that, but I think it's like also me during the act of being able to like steer him the right direction whenever. And I think, yeah. Oh, that doesn't feel good. Yeah, just tell him, say, babe, he could probably just tell you, just move, say, let's try something else. And I think if you let him know and say, I've been thinking

about this because during sex, you know, I love your sex, our sex life, I'm so attracted, but in the moment, I'm just going to start moving to what I want. Is that cool? Like, if you'd like to pass it by him first, you'd be like, of course, I would think, if he wants to please you, like, please, please tell me what you want. So yeah, I think in the moment you could try either one, you could let him know or just do it.

And I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised that it's all cool. That it's going to work out and you're going to get your needs met. I feel good about this. Okay. So just talk to him and make those moves. You deserve the pleasure. And you're on your way. You're so close. You're so welcome, Cali. So close. Okay, you're so close. It's all good. Does communication. Okay. Okay. Thank you, Kelly Let me know what happens. Thank you. All right. Bye. Okay guys. It's just a little bit of communication here We need I mean, it's true. I think that it can be really hard to let our partners know what we want for so many reasons We're afraid we're gonna get rejected or it's gonna be the wrong timing,

but really if we know what feels good, I promise you our partners wanna please us, they wanna make us feel good. And if you find out your partner does it and doesn't care what you want, then that's not your partner, okay guys? So just remember to talk about it. And if you don't know, it's your job to figure it out.

Okay, we have Sophia. She's 24 from Chicago and she don't know, it's your job to figure it out. Okay, we have Sophia. She's 24 from Chicago, and she wants to know, how do you know it's the right time or the right person to cohabitate? Hey, Sophia, so good to talk to you. Hello. Hello. Very good to talk to you.

I'm very excited. I love your work, and I'm very obsessed with your podcast. Oh, good. I'm so glad. Thank you for listening. I'm glad it's been helpful. So tell me what's going on. Okay. So I'm 24 at Liz. As you said, and my boyfriend is 10 years old, so we've been talking about moving in together, but nothing really had happened quite

yet. I was still unsure about it. And he recently moved out, and he just recently bought a house, and he really wants me to move in with him. I do want to move in, but there's a couple of things that are holding me back and have a couple of concerns. You know, I feel like I'm still in the process of finding myself personally and emotionally and my career, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. And then at the same time, but just sometimes I don't feel completely hurt in the relationship. So I'm still going back and forth. So is it normal to be going back and forth? Is that just the sign?

Like, you're young to settle down. Yeah, you know, I think it's all the things. First of all, a year in is still pretty new. Like, you're still learning how to communicate better to each other, know each other. So it's like, I would think that you're still not being hurt is a big thing, right? That's something that's something that a pillar that you guys need to work on, like your communication and him hearing you and how he would know that you feel like he's heard you, like he's gonna need to know what that looks like.

And so that's important. But I think for you, okay, so you're 24 and he's 34. And I think you said it was your first relationship or serious relationship. And so yeah, I feel like, I mean, this is my people, you know, and you're, I mean, I'm from Michigan, you're in Chicago, I got it. It's like a different people do settle down a little bit like sooner. But yeah, I get a sense that, you know, you mentioned your career and still figuring

yourself out. That's true at 24. And the fact that you even know that is great because some people at 24 are like, oh, no, I've got this. I know myself, but you're right. You're still on a journey and still on a path and so I would say be careful like there's no need to move in right now and I don't I don't love if he's pressuring you to do it because that's only to make you ready you know you can still be together

he's definitely not pressuring me he's telling me to take my time it's just more that I'm concerned about wasting his time and I've communicated this to him and I tell him I don't want to be wasting a time and he says that he's not in any rush or hurry that he's going to wait for me. But it's me just trying to figure out if I need to move in or like just focus on my career and not be in a relationship since I'm so young. Right, right. I mean, you know what all those things like I think that you don't know yet. So I think the thing is, it's not so black and white. Like I don't think you should move in yet. That's my thing. I think you should move in when you know you know yet. So I think the thing is, it's not so black and white. I don't think you should move in yet. That's my thing.

I think you should move in when you know you're ready. When you know this is someone that you think you're going to want to have a long-term relationship with it and spend the rest of it. Really know, because you've tried it out. You've traveled together. You spent time together. You've had some more time. So I feel like you're not there yet.

So I think you can just let them know that. But as far as your relationship going, it's not contingent upon you moving in with them, right? Like, you could still stay with them and work on things. So that's the other option. So you could still kind of set yourself a timeline too, because, you know, think about like, what would you like to work on in your relationship? You said that you wanted to work on communicating better, having him listen, feeling heard.

So I think like letting him know what that looks like to you. So maybe it's like, I want you to ask me about my big meeting I had the next day because I told you about it in her last. Like I want you to remember things or I want you to ask me things or just let him know what that looks like. And so work on that.

But I just think that, I think it is really important in your 20s to figure out who you are, who your friends, what kind of job you want. You shouldn't know yet. 20s are about figuring out your career because, who your friends, what kind of job you want. You shouldn't know yet. 20s are about figuring out your career because you haven't worked, had enough time to work yet. So you figure it out. So I think you can do both.

People are in relationships and they're having careers in life. So I think you can do it all. So I don't think that there's a gun to your head. He's not pressuring you, but I think that these are all important things and this is part of the learning process. But if you don't feel like there's progress being made like three months from now, it still seems like you're in the same place.

You know, I think it's time to revisit it. So I think talking to know what you want, how you'd like to feel closer to them and that you might need more time, I think is totally legit. So if you think that one site basically and make progress and one site actually know, because that's what I was thinking,

I don't think it's normal for me to go from one day thinking yes and totally ready for it and we're in that position for us together and other days we're not. So that's really I was thinking. I don't think it's normal for me to go from one day thinking yes, I'm totally ready for it. And we're in that position for us together and other days we're not. So that's really not normal then. No, that's normal. Wait a minute. It's normal.

Oh my god, yes, everything, listen, to think one day, oh my god, we're so in love and it's amazing. And then the next day, he says something weird or doesn't remember something. And you're like, oh, never, I need to end. I think we all go through extremes. That's normal, I think, to be undecided

in a relationship, but here's the thing. What I want you to make sure of is that you're more decided than less, so at least over 60% of the time, let's say, right? You're more into it than not. But if it's at 50, 50, like, I'm in, I'm out, I'm in my out every other day, and this has been going on for a while, then I might kind of take a look at that. So I might just, you know, I'm out, I'm in my out every other day, and this has been going on for a while, then I might kind of take a look at that.

So I might just, you know, just kind of write down some things and think about like pros and cons, seem so silly, but like, what is working, what isn't, rather than just keep going in a loop. So yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I also want to make sure that he's really not giving you any pressure, you know 10-year, that's one thing, and also 10 years is a big age difference, I think 24 to 34. Things don't work out, but you're in different stages, right? He's buying a house and you're figuring out your career.

That's real, too. I'm going to say something, that age difference is, that works people, but you're young figuring it out. I think that there's nothing wrong with you right now. You're not doing anything wrong. We all fluctuate. We're never certainly sure until maybe we decide to get married. And even then, people aren't totally sure. So I think that the more you could work on getting

your certainty level up and less downswings is great. And maybe once you really get into it and start working on it, you realize it, no, we're not compatible. Or you might realize, yes, we actually are. And things are great. So I think there's a little more deeper work to do with him. Like talk about those things that you think you can't talk about. I don't know what does are for you.

But I think it's important to bring up your concerns because it's been a year, and it's time. Right. So if there's anything you're holding back on, yeah. You don't want to waste time. You don't want to waste time. Oh, good. You're so welcome. I said, yeah, I think You don't want to waste time. I've been so helpful. Oh, good. You're so welcome.

I said, yeah, I think that you deserve to take the time to figure this out right now. And it's a good time to do it. It's completely right. Thank you so much for your help. You're so welcome. Thank you for listening to the show and calling in. You guys, I think it's really interesting

because I've been in relationships sometimes and even sometimes now I'm like, oh, God, he's driving me crazy, you know? But it doesn't mean that I want to end the relationship. So I think we have to all monitor it. Like I think that's a really good thing to think about. Like if you are less enthralled with your partner than you are really into them.

Like if there's more things that are negative than positive and it's been going on for awhile, we'll take a look at those things. And I think in my 20s, I used to, I know I did this in my 20s. I didn't really press issues. I kind of just would stay in things long, like two years and then I would spend half of the relationship

trying to get out of it because I didn't really know how to communicate. I didn't know what I wanted yet. I kind of just would stay in things long, like two years, and then I would spend half of the relationship trying to get out of it, because I didn't really know how to communicate. I didn't know what I wanted yet, and now I would tell myself, and I would tell people now, like, even if you don't know the right way to do it, or what to say, it just start asking those questions, start like, like, look, having real conversations

with your partner about what you want, what you need. It doesn't have to be perfect, but really start developing you, how you live in a relationship, or what you want, what you need. It doesn't have to be perfect, but really start developing you, how you live in a relationship, or what you want in a relationship, and trying to make it the most healthy, satisfying relationship you can. And I think that the more work that you do in relationships,

really getting into the hard stuff, and the deep questions, your answers will come, and you'll know whether or not the person's right for you. But you've got to do this kind of work of deep, real communication, which always enhances intimacy and can certainly bring you closer together. Ernesto32 from Los Angeles, they're an open married couple and they want to start up in porn. Ernesto, tell me everything.

Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm so good. I like this question. Tell me more. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Well, lately we've been trying to spice things up. Me and my wife were in there for three years. I am of a pilot for the video of a reference,

so I already have the equipment. And we were discussing things and how to make it a little bit more spicy. So we came with the idea of recording ourselves and putting it out there online, but we don't know how to start. We already had some videos, but only for ourselves. We don't know where to upload them. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So yeah. Yeah, okay. So first of all, that's really cool. I mean, couples, like especially married couples, you got couples who are really in a deep committed relationship. I think making porn can be really hot, fun to watch, like great way to spice it up. And actually, just making it is not watching it's hot. So I think that's really cool.

So I'm wondering though, what's your goal this? Is it more like to continue to spice it up or are you thinking this could be another career? Are you looking to make money? Are you looking to meet other people? Like what's the goal? Well the goal is not the money. We both have jobs. Yeah, what's your goal? Can we people and we want people to watch our videos? and we want people to watch our videos. Mm-hmm. Okay. And yeah. Yeah.

All right. Well, there's a website that we found. You can start in WebCams as a couple. It's called WebCamsStartup.com slash Couples. And that page seemed to have a lot of really good resources for couples wanting to do it. I bet if you got in like, Fet Life, that would probably be a great place to start. It's a website called Fet Life.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with it, but there's just, there's all different kinds of kinky, sex, you know, porn, things that people are doing. And then also you're hearing Los Angeles. So I'm even wondering if there's like in Los Angeles pornography meetup or something. Like there's a, if you just go to like meetup, I think it's like meetup.com.

You could find people who are minded. So that's what I would say to get started. I don't really know. I know good vibrations in San Francisco. I used to do a film fest every year and they were accepting films from couples and stuff like that. But the only thing I could find right now was that site that might be good for you. Webcam Startup.com.

Search couples. Yeah. We have cam startup.com such couples. Yeah. That sounds super good. We tried web camming maybe like very early relationship and then we stopped but now yeah we want definitely to do something like that. Yeah, because I know you have movies. You have actually the film. So the thing about this though, it's called webcam startup.

But it has, like I think you could get to producing and telling videos. It looks like it has some other things in here that could lead you down another, that could lead you to other places. That's exactly what we were looking for. Okay. Yeah, I think if you just like look around and you see if the site seemed legit, you're going to find it. Craigslist 2, to be honest.

I know they took down a lot of the sex related stuff, but you know, I would just start looking on places like that. If there's like a local sex toy store, you go in and talk to them. I mean, I think it's just an exploratory mission because the thing about this is you want to find people and reputable sites and people, you know, important people that you look working with. So I think it's a matter of getting yourself out there, start talking to you with a trust and kind of finding your way through it. Because each site or each place will lead you to the right path. Yeah, you'll get there.

That sounds great. Okay, cool. We're going to take the site and yeah, we're going to start doing it. I like it. Okay, I think that's hot. I do. I love it. If it's working with you guys. Perfect. Yeah. Okay. Thanks for calling. Thanks for Nesto. Thank you so. If it's working with you guys. Yeah. Okay. Thanks for calling. Thanks for Nesta. Thank you so much.

Yeah. Have a great day. Bye. You guys, I'm telling you, I think that for couples, you know, I'm not great with you setting some random naked photo to someone who didn't ask for it and like unsolicited dick pics and even for, you know, women sending your faces along. Like, I'm not cool with that. But if you're like in a committed relationship and you guys want to make a porn or take sexy

photos and you trust each other. I do think that can be a really hot way to spice it up because even the act of making it and the act of watching it. I didn't get into Ernesto about what happens if he, his boss finds out or his parents, if he's cool with that. But that is, of course, something to think about. What if it gets into alternate hands? What if you guys break up?

You should always be thinking about those things as well. But I'm all four things that spice you up, that spice up your relationship if you're both on the same page. We have Cameron, 22 from Canada, and she needs tips for communicating, kissing, and sexual needs. Hey, Cameron.

Hi, how are you? I'm so good. Tell me what's going on. Yeah, so I met this guy on the last week of summer, and about a week before actually, I left to go back to school. But that week, we hung out five out of seven days, and we waited till the last day that we hung out to have sex.

But throughout that week, when we went on dates and hung out, I kind of noticed that he wasn't that great at kissing. He was a little sloppy. It was more open mouth kissing,, I kind of noticed that he wasn't that great at kissing. He was a little floppy, it was more open mouth kissing, and he kind of kissed you fast, like he didn't give me an opportunity to kiss back. Okay. So, at one point, I actually turned away from him, and he goes, why are you turning away? And I said, oh, like, you don't have to kiss my bottom lips that hard. And then he kind

of switched it up, and he fixed it. And that last day, we hung out. We had sex for the first time. Didn't really last too long, but it was fine. So since I've been at school for two months, I've seen him one weekend in September and that I went home for Thanksgiving. And I saw him.

And we and me fooled around, it was fine. I would keep giving him subtle pointers, like, oh, try this instead of this. Or if he would try to initiate something and he started rubbing me over my pants without really doing anything else first, I would jokingly say, don't start down there. And then he would kind of move somewhere else.

Right. OK, well, you're not the right track here. So yeah. So you like this guy, right? You want to keep seeing him? If we can work on this. So it's OK. Hard.

Yeah, it's just hard when I'm at school. And I don't know how to really ask for what I want. No, I know. This is the thing. So I'm going to help you with this. So I'm going to help you with this. So I'm going to help you with him. And if he's not your guy, this is just great practice. What I want to teach you for anyone that you're with.

Because I have to because you're yeah, you're 22. He's 21. I just want to remind you and all the listeners like you're not supposed to be made. You don't know. Like you guys are actually teaching each other at this point in life. Like even if you're like, I heard you slept with 10 girls before me. That does not mean that he's a great lover

that he knows what he's doing, right? So it just takes time and communication and you could have tons of lovers and still be a sloppy kisser. You know what I'm saying? So really, I would say it's great that you are able to give him feedback. And so what I would say to him,

though, instead of like, instead of like, no, or don't do that or try something else, I would let him know if you could practice being like, you don't would feel great and like move his hand up to your breast maybe, right? Just for the touching part. And then maybe, yeah, because here's what you have to remember,

he wants to please you. He wants to have good sex with you. He just doesn't know, right? Do porn or whatever. He's like, you just rub the, you know, the crotch. And we're like women are like, it's like sandpaper when we're not turned on, right? We're like, no, don't do that.

So he just doesn't know yet. So just saying, oh god, yum. So let's just, you know, let's just say go back to the kissing. So we got to work on that too. But I think if you could just kind of redirect and say I just want to slow things down. Because this is all this consensual thing too.

Like when you move, you might think, oh, no, what I do. But if you're like, I just want to slow things down. Because a lot of times that's what it is, I think a lot of times you go, they go really fast. And you're just like, I want to sew. Yeah. You know, because it's just their turned on. And that's what they know. And you rush to it. So I think it's just kind of like, let's just sew down. I'm enjoying just being with you right now. And then directing. Yeah. So the thing about the kisses are though, is that, you know,

a great practice for that is saying, like, let's, I want it, like, I love kissing is so important to me, kissing is so fun, like I love when we see each other every week. I want to show you how I want to be kissed, and then I want you to show me how you want to be kissed. And then he might get that it's really different, right? And then, and he probably will in that moment,

you're like, oh, you like more tongue than I do. And then together, you guys work on it. And I know that might seem like, oh, it's awkward or friendly, but that's actually one of these things that's really vulnerable, but also really helps with intimacy. And I think you can fix this kissing thing in no time. I've done it. Oh, yeah.

Okay. I've never thought of addressing it in that way, but it could also be playful. And, yes, remember that but it could also be playful. Yes. Remember that. That sex talk is playful. That sex talk should be, and obviously if you're in pain, wherever you are, stop, that

hurts. But everything else, I think we want to keep it like, let's just talk about it. Let's figure out what feels good to both of us, babe. How hot when you're here and we're together. Let's make this even more fun. Because we are so insecure that we're doing things wrong and that we're not pleasing our partners at one little thing, like moving his hand and saying, no, I'm not saying you do this, but he might think, oh God, I'm bad at sex, right?

We all do that. Just to make it more like we're in this together. Let's have the most fun possible. Makes it much later and easier to go after that way to make it work. Okay. That makes it really helpful because I was just so nervous about trying to constantly ask him for different things. But yeah, if I feel like if I make it more playful and just, it's a learning experience together.

Right. Like together. You can let him know. I love being honest and just saying, you know what? You could say you called into the show or you were listening. But you could just say, like, I've been thinking about this. And I really attracted to you. And I just want you to know, like, I think

it'd be fun if we work on this, you know, yeah, together. And I think he'll be down with that, because he needs to learn, too. Yeah, I agree. And he's always been really receptive to what I've said before. So I think if I do bring something up like this again, he would be more or still open to listen, to work on it.

Good. Say, how open are you to be like making, you know, move your hand or just do it? Like I think, yeah, it sounds like he's being receptive, so it sounds like it's just like a little change in your approach and then you're both getting what you want. Okay, great. Thank you so much. I really appreciate this. Of course.

I feel like a lot of guys my age don't really know what they're doing. No, I'm telling you they do not. They do not. And a lot of girls don't either. So it's your job in a way. This is what I'm saying. It is. He will be grateful for this.

Like, yes, many guys have had things that are great, but he needs this information and this education. You know, and it'll be great for you to practice. It's going to serve you for a lifetime, no matter what happens with him. So that's why I think. Yeah, absolutely. They need your help. Okay. Thanks, Cameron. Thank you so much. Of course, you're so welcome. Good luck. Have a great night. Thank you, you too. Bye. Bye. I love that Cameron said this. I didn't say it, but I have said you guys, I think this. People in your 20s, you guys, like younger guys, girls, we don't know. We haven't had enough experience. You haven't been out there enough. And I think I wish I knew all of this.

You guys, that's why I'm here today, because I don't want you to be like faking orgasms through your 20s or being in relationships that don't work for your silently suffering through bad sex and not getting what you want. Like I did all that. And so I get it. You really don't know you guys. Like you don't and just look at sex is like it's okay that you don't know because the best way to learn is not by just going out and being a bunch of people. It's about being with one person or you know that you could actually be honest with and

talk about things and communicate and learn. We learn through in relationships where we feel like it's safe and we can trust someone and we can actually communicate without shame and without blame. So I think those are some great goals for people at all ages. We have Monica. She's 37 from Ohio and she wants to know

what do men pay for an expensive first date and ask for second second but then ghost. Hey Monica. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. hi. Hi. Hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. It's really fantastic to have the voice of an educated, powerful woman talk about biodiversity, positivity, and sex positivity. I think it just sounds such a great message to young women.

Thank you. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. I love what I do. So I've been divorced for about five years and so have really kind of lived through this evolution of dating. Where you know when I first started dating, it was like match.com was pretty much it. Nobody ghosted and it was fine. But within the last year it's been really add.

I mean it's like a problem, not problem. If this is the trend, then okay with it. But you know I will have guys that will take me out on really expensive states. You know, we have a great time and even on the date, we'll either go to a couple of places and then they will set up actually a second date, which they sincerely appreciate. And then after that, you know, can't pull the second date and just totally disappear. Okay. And it doesn't seem like, I guess, a really cost effective ways. No, it's certainly not a great business plan. You're right.

It's not a great way to manage their money. But my question is, how many times, I'm trying to get, I want to get to the bottom of this story, this thing that you've created. It's happened to you how many times. Oh God. Maybe 15. 15 times in the last two years.

Like in the last year. Okay, 15 different guys, are they all like, are there similarities? Can we come, we kind of eke out a pattern here? Not, not age, not really anything. You know, in my age range, technically we will go from like 30, like low 30s to, you know, low 50s. But yeah, there's not, and that's why I'm like, is this a thing? Well, ghosting is a thing.

It's very hard. It's very, very hard. It's very, very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard.

It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. I'm more than Ohio. Okay, so I'm just, is it a smaller town though that you're in or is it not as many men there? No, I'm in the city, so it's about like 20,000. Okay. So there's quite a few.

15 seems like, I was like, you'd say like three, and I was like, okay, well, it's happened with three, but 15 is a lot. It's a lot, and I'm like, if this is a thing, I'm like, who do I call? Well, you hear all the things. Yeah, you're all the things. And so I'm trying to get to the, here's a thing.

Are you asking for, are you saying, let's go to this dinner for place for dinner, or are they saying, like, let me take you to this fancy restaurant? They are suggesting it. So you found markets. OK, and these guys are saying, and your friends are saying the same thing's happening to them saying the same thing is happening to them. The same thing is happening to them.

I just don't, and you like having, are you making out with them? Is there like any physical, do you have sex with them? No, and so I'm pretty like, you know, I'm a slow mover and really want to take my time, and especially after divorce. Right. I'm probably a lot more cautious and a lot more cynical. This is then I was prior. Right.

So yeah, so it's not getting physical. And I'm like, well, maybe it's just I'm trying to put my best foot forward so they think they can get physical or I don't know. Right. I mean, literally, I don't know. Because I was going to be like, there's no way this is a pattern like I understand it could feel like that and maybe you should you know be asking for like looking if there's any common traits with these guys and I just don't know how many guys do you take me a nice I've got a lot of dates like this it just

seems like an interesting pattern to me are there any of them that you were like crazy about to that you're gonna couple where I was disappointed and I was like I really was looking forward to an x8 and thought it would be fantastic You know to go out in the other ones, you know like I said I'm a fairly slow mover and just cautious I think people reveal themselves over time so you know I wasn't Right that's about not about the ghosting thing and like the ghosting thing I think at this point sadly so many of us are just kind of used to it. It just happens. Yeah, it just, it happens, whether it's like conflict avoidance or whatever the rationale is. Exactly. I don't think it's about, you

know, yeah, keep going. Yeah. So that's, that's kind of there, but I think I'm, I'm a pretty great day, but I'm not sure I'm worth like a banana republic jacket. No They bought you right exactly like that's the 150 no you're right So is there anything that you feel like on dates like do you feel like sometimes you might hold back or there Do you feel like you're and I don't think this is why they're ghosting? I'm just asking you in general You've had a lot of time to date Do you feel like you put yourself out there or are there things that you're more is it more like like you're asking questions and are you answering things about yourself? Are you letting your true self be seen? I definitely don't put myself out there.

Okay, so that's what I'm doing. I didn't have much more and done so far less, like especially, like I said, with the most, more recent times. Far less. Okay. Because I feel like, yeah, because you're close, you have to learn how to date again, you know? You're going through divorce and you have kids.

No kids. No kids, okay, you're going through the, yeah, I mean, just being out of it and dating again. So what do you think is holding you back from actually be putting yourself out there and being, yeah. Oh, I think all kinds of stuff. I think it's certainly a lot of issues with my family growing up and there's some abandonment things there.

Okay. And definitely like obviously that going through divorce and I think when I first started dating after you've been through a marriage that's really difficult, you're excited to date so you just kind of jump in really fast. And it just was, you know, the bottom was falling out, the bottom was falling out. And that kept happening. Like I said, I think people have revealed themselves over time. So, you know, with age and just a little bit of experience, I've certainly gotten cautious.

Probably a little too much so. And it's tough to know where that really happy medium is. Right. Well, I think, okay, so I'm in listening to you. I feel like you just might need to get off the apps for now and not do like the date as much as like, do you go out with friends and do you go to different events and do you meet people when you're out in the world? I don't go out a ton because I work so much. Okay. And so the benefit of the apps, I have a lot of mixed feelings about them.

You know, I like them for the convenience, but also I feel like they take away a bit of our humanity. Yeah, no, it's not, it's just that I want you to have some different kind of experience where you're meeting someone in person and you actually already know them

or you like them or someone introduced you. And so it's not this like date, like this big, you know, expensive dinner. Because I think like, I just want to change the way you and so it's not this like date, like this big, you know, expensive dinner, because I think like, I just want to change the way you're approaching it. And this is kind of an outside in thing, because I think there might be some therapy or some inside out things that need to happen for you

if you haven't processed the divorce yet. And if you're telling me that you're still holding back from things, I feel like therapy would help you figure out what that is and what, I mean, you might know why it's hard for you to be vulnerable and why it's hard for you to open up from childhood and from your marriage, but nonetheless, it's still important to learn how to do it and why it happened. But also why you maybe change your progeniting.

So if you still go on the apps, totally understand their convenient, maybe you just say no dinners, like I'm going to meet you for coffee or I'm going to meet you for one drink so they can't pull out all the stops and do all the things with the dinners, like I'm gonna meet you for coffee or I'm gonna meet you for one drink so they can't pull out all the stops and do all the things with the dinners and it's like a real conversation somewhere where you can't be distracted by bells and whistles and horses, drunkards or whatever they're doing or flying you somewhere.

You know, so I just want to like a different, like you take control and you take the initiative and maybe you follow up with them or you let them know that this just happens to you and I don't want this. I don't know. I just think that there's ways that you could be more yourself and that you're gonna get, you're gonna be like, oh, this actually didn't feel so bad.

Most times when we start to do it, we put our little toe in being vulnerable, you're like, oh, that wasn't bad. I survived it, it felt good. So I think changing the way you show up is important too. Well, I understand, and that's, and it's interesting to say that, because I understand all of my wives and that's, you know, interesting to me, because I understand all of my

lies and just knowing, I don't even know really the first step of how to even move past them. And it feels like because there a lot of this environment is so impersonal, it's not really welcome for trying to kind of develop at least those skills or those interactions or even knowing like how to step forward when you're encountering other people who maybe are also not super comfortable with emotional intimacy. Right, right. Like a lot of people aren't, right?

Like most people aren't. How about your girlfriends? Do you have close friends? It's far, yes. Yeah. And you guys have quite a few. And yeah, we've got, they're amazing and have been such a good support. And like I said, they have a lot of very similar experiences. And so, I'm like, I don't know if it's, and so for a while, I was like, maybe it's just, maybe it's me. And this is just the thing.

But then, you know, when they all were having these experiences, I'm like, all right's like maybe it's just maybe it's me. And this is just the thing. But then when they all were having these experiences, I'm like, all right, well maybe it's not all. Right, maybe it's just maybe we live. Is it more conservative or people more closed off or people more like not as open? It's a pretty mixed bag here. So within the city, people are pretty liberal. Right, OK. I'm pretty open. But then, you know, like anywhere else when you go

into the suburbs, it can be fairly conservative. Right, okay. Yeah, I get it. I think, you know, I think that there's really like nothing wrong with this situation. I feel like it's like different approaches because you sound amazing and smart and intelligent. Like, you're going out in 15, even the fact that you've gone out with 15 dates that ghosted. I'm sure you've probably been on dozens and dozens and dozens of dates, which is great. So you're obviously out in 15, even the fact that you've gone out with 15 dates that ghosted, I'm sure you've probably been on dozens and dozens and dozens of dates, which is great. So you're obviously like someone who's got your stuff together, but I'm just thinking that there has to be a little shift here. And I do think therapy would be good. If you know all the wise, already they could give you that thing those little steps so you could feel safer kind of saying

things that you think you wouldn't say. Like even saying like I've had a really interesting time dating, I'm not angry, I've had a really interesting time dating. I'm not angry. I just find it fascinating. Have you ever called a woman and not asked her out again? Like I just think that being more real about your things will kind of let them see who you really are. You have to wait you are with friends.

Yeah, and I went through and it's in this sense of funny. So like I went and I did have a therapist a couple years ago when I really recognized I was having trouble and she asked like, oh, what do you think? You know, your tastes could think about you. I'm like, oh, I know, because I actually had asked some of them. But they saw it. They said they felt like I was impossible to read. Oh, okay. So maybe it And that it was stuff like it seemed like I wasn't interested. Okay. I know, I know, I was very interested.

So that's really interesting. So like your body language, maybe you're just more, like you're more restrained. Like you're not really letting yourself be open and vulnerable because you're afraid of getting hurt and showing what you're feeling. So I think that is, I'm first of all, I want to clap for you. I love that you ask that.

That's really brave, you know? And so it sounds like they, because, and got so, a lot of guys aren't great at reading signs for women. So if you're just shut down with it, and that might be your reason, I don't feel a hook. They don't think that you like them. So, you know, a lot of ways to do is to let them know, like, I had a really good time to make eye contact. And say, this was really fun.

That's not easy for me to say, but I just said it to you. You know, this is just kind of play with it. Put yourself out there. You have set that such a great place to start and say, you know, I've heard back from guys, I think I'm not interested. I want you to know this was actually a good day. And that is such a real thing to say to someone. So kind of using what you know and kind of pushing yourself

to kind of go to the next level and see what happens. It's going to help you with everything you do because I'll bet this is showing up elsewhere. Yes, and it's just, and yeah, it's weird. It's fun, though. I'm not like this at work, but in my personal life, I just have a really difficult time navigating it. Yeah, no, because it's different, because it's so vulnerable and it's your heart. So I think just little things, just kind of practice doing something more, a little more vulnerable, a little more open under dates and you're going to see the whole world open up. Okay.

Okay. I promise. Yeah. Okay. Good luck to you. Keep dating. Thank you so much. Keep up the spirit.

You're so welcome. Have a great night. Thank you, Monica. Thank you, you too. Have a great night. Bye. Bye. It's interesting because when I first started talking to her, I'm like, okay, this is all on your, you know, this can't be true, but it sounds like, you know, yeah, some people go, there's all these weird dating stuff that happens, but typically it has to do with

us. Not some weird powder out there in the universe. And I think dating is so important in relationships. We do our best work actually with another person, even if it's a dating or relationships, it's a good place to learn. So if you're out there dating, use it as a tool for self-discovery, self-expression, and practice being that vulnerable open person. You know, of course, there's certain boundaries and certain things, you know, they let

it all out. But say those things you might say with your girlfriend. Like be, try to be yourself and be more comfortable as possible because it will help you because people want to know who you are. They really do. They want to see you. It's an important skill to develop and I think that I've been there. I can really relate to her.

I think I see much more shut down but the more I realize it, like it actually gets better when you're more yourself. Because then you don't have to pretend anything. You have to pretend to be someone. I'm always by self wherever I go and I think that's really helpful for people too. You can change where you are now and get to where you want to be. Okay, guys, that was fun. Check me out on serious XM radio.

The channel's called Stars 109 and it's starting November 12th, 5 days a week, Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 pm for more sex talk. It's going to be fun. We're going to have some new segments. It's still called Sex with Family. So if you're on a commute, live on these coasts, it's 8 to 10. Call in. I'm really excited to tell your friends that they're serious.

So love that. And thank you everyone for listening. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. Emily.com.