Sex With Emily - Activate Your Brain to Keep Sane with Dr. Daniel Amen

Episode Date: March 31, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by one of America’s leading psychiatrists Dr. Daniel Amen to talk about how to keep our brains healthy and our relationships strong during this strange time of “sheltering in place.” The two give you a lesson in active listening – from talking to your kids to talking to your partner, ways to improve your executive functioning from home – your memory, motor skills, and everything that makes us go, and why the only organ where size matters is… the brain! Plus, some insight on why having some scheduled uninterrupted time with your family devoid of negativity or commands is vital to keeping happy.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more on Dr. Amen, visit https://danielamenmd.com/For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now, if you're children are driving you crazy, you want to be really goal oriented. So what do you want as a mom or dad? What do you want for them? Bonding. So important. We were talking about special time. There's every day, 20 minutes with each of them and do something they want to do. And during that time, no commands, no questions, no directions.

It's bonding. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm doing one of America's leading psychiatrists, Dr. Daniel A. Men, to talk about how to keep our brains healthy and our relationships strong during this strange time of sheltering in place. Topics include a lesson in active listening from talking to your kids, to talking to your partner, ways to improve your executive functioning from home, your memory, motor skills, and all those things. Why having some scheduled uninterrupted time with

your family, devoid of negativity or commands is vital to keep happy. And why the only organ where size matters is the brain. All this to more, thanks for listening. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex.

I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex.

I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love sex. I love God, I feel so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. Right now you guys, you've got tons of blogs and posts and things to help you have better sex, connect with your partner more intimacy. So check that out and

we are sex with Emily across the board and all social media. We're doing a lot more content for you now. We're doing lives on our platforms and answering your questions so you can be here for you in this time of need. I want to thank everybody for switching up your routine and still listening to the podcast. I so appreciate your loyalty to the show. And I know that we're under so many different restraints right now. And it's a great time to actually listen with your partner. I've been hearing from a lot of you

that have found this show to be extremely helpful to kind of get those conversations going about sex in the state of your relationship, which is never easy to do. So consider making this a new routine with your partner or sharing it with a friend. I think we can all use some more tips right now on how to really stay connected with our partners and ourselves. So thank you everybody. All right, intentions with Emily.

So I start off each show this year by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to join me and do the same. So what I mean is when you're listening, you'll think about like, what do I want to get out of listening to this episode? Well, it could be something like my partner and I are really having trouble adapting to home life and gosh, we need better ways to communicate or it could be my kids are having our time and I want to make this as good of an experience for them as possible. Well, my intention with the show is to give you some excellent communication tools and tips to help keep you and your family as positive as possible. All right, enjoy the show.

This is Dr. A. Bandit. It's his book is the End of Mental Illness. We did a wildly popular podcast with Emily that we've posted everywhere in all of our platforms so people can check that out as well. So thank you for joining me. So you're advised about how to be conscious with your kids right now. Well, so this is just a great opportunity

to build a better relationship with your kids because you have more time. The problem is no one takes parenting classes, so you have to pass the test to get your license, you have to pass the test to go fishing, you don't have to pass the test to be a mom or a dad. And I'm also a child's psychiatrist, a little bit of parent training can just make this a very special time. I have at home, I have a 10 year old, a 15 year old, a 16 year old, and it has just turned into a magical time because the older ones were just always gone, right? Chloe

16, she just got a license, has a boyfriend, has friends, has no need for her mother and I. And initially, she sort of thought she was being punished by being forced to say, oh, I mean, she sort of had the adolescent mindset, but I'm going to live forever. What's the big deal? And, you know, but after a few days and she settled down, we're having longer dinners, we do more things together. We're just having a very special time. Now, if you're children are driving you crazy, you want to be really goal oriented.

So what do you want as a mom or dad? What do you want for them? Bonding so important we were talking about special time is every day 20 minutes with each of them and do something they want to do and during that time no commands no questions no directions It's bond time and so if you're playing a game and they cheat, you have to remember the rules. No commands, no questions, no directions. And it's like, oh, I see you've changed the rules of the game. And you cheat. And now during like family time, if they're cheating, you know, there's going to be consequences for that. But not during special time.

And if you mix, you mix special time with active listening when the child says something, rather than tell them they're wrong or talk over them, which too many people do, repeat back what you hear and then listen for the feelings behind what you hear. And all of a sudden you're going to be in completely different conversations than you thought you would. And this is how therapists. Well exactly. And this is something I cannot emphasize that point enough for everyone, for parents,

for friends, being a host, being a therapist, even to names, we forget. I cut people off all the time and when i learn remember the practice of active listening so let's kind of let's do a little role play here that show them with your kid how do you do active listening because i think that people don't know they really don't so if my child is right now okay

came home and said i want to have blue hair. I mean, I don't know what your father would have said, but I know what my- You can get blue hair, yeah. What he said, as long as you live in this house, you're not going to have blue hair. Right.

There's just no way. But what does that do? It just sets up a fight or it shuts them up and you don't want either one. So active listening teaches you, oh, you want to have blue hair. And then be quiet so they will continue the conversation. So I might instead of say, and under my roof, you will not have blue hair. I have to catch myself and say in the most neutral way possible, oh, tell me more.

So you want to have blue hair. I hear you say you want to have blue hair. And then what? Yeah. And then he may say, you know, dad, he may say all the kids are wearing it that way. Right. And I've been to his school and I know they're not all blue headed children. But if I would have said that to my dad, he would have said, I don't care what anybody else is doing. As long as you live in this house, you're not going to have blue hair. If they're going to jump off a bridge, you're going to go with them. To wreck.

To wreck. Same house. Yeah, same home. But active listening, it's like, oh, you want to be like the other kids, which is a very different conversation. And then he might say, well, sometimes it feels like I don't fit in. And if it's my mother, she's like, what's the matter with you? You're a good boy, you're a good looking boy. Of course you fit in.

And that's not helpful either. It's like, so you feel like you don't fit in. And then just leave it there. And they will tell you, well, I think my parents prevents me from fitting in. Well, now, at the end of a half an hour, he still wants to have blue hair. I'm going to tell him, no way in hell as long as you live in my house or you're going to have blue hair. You're going to hang out with

weird people if you look weird. But at least he's more likely to accept it if I've listened. Right. I think that's a great practice. I just want to reinforce that because it's something that we can, in our relationship with our spouses, we're wondering why they don't hear us for the million of time. You know, we might have put them on the defensive because the second you say, like, oh, you never do this. You never initiate sex. So you never want to, no one's going to hear what you say. So just to have that active listening, I think is a really great reminder for all of us

right now who are having difficult times, whether with our kids or partners. That's why I'm doing a lot of it. And so if a partner said you never initiate sex, so what would you say? I would say, so my partner said to me you never initiate sex. I would say instead of saying that I would say I would say, so I hear, so it sounds to me like you're feeling like I'm not, I don't often initiate sex. Is that what I hear you're saying? Yeah, you might say, yeah, you never initiate. I'm like, okay. So it sounds like initiating something that's really important to you. So tell me more about that. Well, I feel like

I'm initiating all the time and I might make it up. And it makes me feel like you don't want me. Yeah, it makes me feel bad about myself. Yeah. So it's been hard for you. You're feeling like I don't want you. And I'm here to say that I do want you I want our sex life. I want our intimacy. It's so important to me too And I think if you're so great for us to find ways that we could really both initiate and both connect Kind of schedule that works for both of us So I think that would be really helpful and and I never want you to feel like I don't love you when I don't cherish our intimacy in our long time together

And that makes me feel better. Yeah. Right? But as soon as you get defensive, and you stop listening, and it starts a war. Right. And that's not the goal. The same thing with kids, it's, you know,

you never listen to me or you're unfair or whatever they feel, you at least before you give your opinion, that's the important thing. Before you give your opinion, know what theirs really is. And often the first response is Just a greeting. It's just a way to start talking and if you pick up the rope and you start pulling Rather than give them a little bit more you'll have no idea what's going on in their head Exactly, so it's really slowing down Listening breathing Reflecting back what you're hearing the moment and using feeling words and using eye statements.

Very helpful. Thank you. So kids, I love the idea of having time with them. That's just 20 minutes with each one. That's about their own things that they want to do, their own time. I think, you know, the most important thing is to realize this is an opportunity that you're not going to get again. That this time is you can use this time to get serious about being healthy, physically,

mentally, emotionally, spiritually, that all of us have a bit more time, and yes, you can worry and you can think the end of the world is coming, and you can throw up ashes. You can do that, but it is a helpful. Will it actually get you what you want? And that's where I start every patient. It's, tell me what you want. So why are you here?

How can I help you? And what do you want? And I start my addicts with this. So what do you want? Is your behavior getting you what you want? I start parents with this. I start couples with this because it starts in the front part of your brain.

So the front third of your brain, it's called the prefrontal cortex, largest in humans and any other animal by far. It's 30% of the human brain, 11% of the chimpanzee brain, so they're not as good at planning. 7% of your dog's brain, my cat, Miso, it's 3% Mac, he has no planning skills except I'm hungry and pet me. That's it. I'm hungry. Pet me entertained me. That's it. But because we're human, we can plan. And so what do you want? Is a parent? What do you want in your relationships? What do you want at work? What do you want with your money? What do you want with your physical? Emotional spiritual health. What do you want and then you go is my behavior?

Getting me what I want with my relationships my money my work Physical emotional and spiritual health have an exercise with people I do called the one page miracle on one piece of paper, right it down. And then, you know, every time I see someone, so I want you to do this, it's right it down. And then you tell me, is your behavior getting you what you want? And if it's not, we're going to work on that. Right.

Well, I would like to talk about,. Because people are asking about your brain scans. And I did. So you were on my podcast recently. We've met before, but doing this for your book, The End of Mental Illness, which everybody could take about a few weeks to go. Everyone's got time to read now. I think everyone has to get your book

because it is a game changer. I think in the way we think about mental illness. And I came to see you at your office. And you asked me these questions. And I don't have many things with me here in Maui, because I thought I might, I didn't know I was going to be here forever, but I brought your bright minds. I brought this risk factors about how we can kind of,

like this is your, basically your way that we can look at having a healthy brain. I had a hunch that my prefrontal cortex wasn't the healthiest it could be. I've been in therapy my entire life in and out of therapy and tried a lot of different modalities, EMDR therapy, group therapy, medications. And I thought, well, I've never had my brain scan

and it makes so much sense to me that if all the, you know, in all the other modalities or every other doctor I've seen, when I hurt my knee, I had my knee scan, right? I had an MRI, you know, for other parts of my back, when my back hurt, my broke a finger, but not for my brain. So I came to see you, you did ask me what I want.

We had a lot of progress. I've been following bright minds. We could talk a little bit about how people could, we could talk about the brain scan process. I don't know if I want to show my brain scan, but I have been doing everything that you've told me to do. I've been taking your supplements every day. Emplomations important. We could talk a little bit about what people could be doing right now for Bright Mines. I'm going to post a picture of this after so everyone can see it. I'll put it on the story. But I'm literally having it hanging in my hotel room, making sure that I'm being healthy and

following all this so I could stay on top so my brain could be healthier. So. So we looked at your brain. We did it in my brain. How would I know what to do for you unless I'd looked? So I've been a psychiatrist nearly 40 years and I'm pretty furious with my profession because we're the only medical doctors who never look at the organ we treat and so we guess and We're not as helpful as we could because the brain is an organ just like your heart is an organ Can you imagine a cardiologist coming up with a treatment plan without looking at your And a cardiologist coming up with a treatment plan without looking at your female practice, or if you back her, the orthopedic doctor didn't do an MRI of your back, that female practice.

But yet you can be homicidal, suicidal, distracted, obsessive, traumatized, and nobody's looking at the physical organ that creates all of those emotional states. And so about 30 years ago, I started looking at the brain, changed everything I did as a psychiatrist. I realized get your brain right and your mind follows. That's the whole idea behind the end of mental illness. These aren't mental, they're brain. We need to stop shaming people.

Because no one really wants to see a psychiatrist. No one wants to be labeled as effective or normal. But everybody wants a better brain. We're so happy that we can be here in this really weird time. But we would not be here if not for our sponsors and they wouldn't be here if not for you. So thank you so much for supporting them. We're gonna take a quick break

and we come back more with Dr. Daniel Aiman. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ So what I did, mental health, was brain health. And then the poster you showed, I'm so happy you're gonna post it. I want to post it right after you guys bright minds it tells me everything to do for healthy brain Yes, so what I learned is if you want to keep your brain healthy or Rest you with if it's headed to the dark place you have to prevent or treat the 11 major risk factors you have to prevent or treat the 11 major risk factors that steal your mind. And we know what they are and understanding them and treating them is

critically important. So bright minds is the mnemonic. So for example the age is head trauma. And your brain is soft about the consistency of soft butter. Your skull is really hard. It has sharp bony ridges, mild traumatic brain injuries, damage, people's lives, and nobody knows about it because nobody's looking at the brain. And that's insane. No one's looking at the brain.

So the first thing I wanted to do after I talked to you and we took a really detailed history. So I get the story of your life. Yes. And then I looked at your scan and it showed you had sleepy frontal lobes like you said. and like a job to strengthen them To try to understand why and prevent them from being sleepy and then you To get what you want So I've been doing that, but it was very helpful. I mean, I feel like we're gonna continue to monitor my situation We'll continue to talk about it.

But people are asking us some questions as well about how is this possible? Like just not everyone can stand in brains. People are asking me like, is the insurance company is covering it? Like is this really like legit? How can people find out more about it? I mean, they can definitely get your book,

the end of mental illness. But could it come to be like? Yes, and somebody posted, they read my book on the least of the power of the female brain, which I'm grateful for. And someone asked me where we are. We have eight clinics around the country. So they can go to me at clinics.com.

Sometimes insurance covers it, sometimes it doesn't. It's not standard. Why? Because what's standard is making diagnoses based on symptom clusters with no biological data. And if I'm right, and I am, that 40,000 psychiatrists could be doing better. Because I think so many people diagnosed

with bipolar disorder actually don't have it. What they have are the effects of traumatic brain injury that may have happened 20 or 30 years before and a damaged part of their brain that helps them with mood stability. And so, you know, some of my critics go, there's not enough science, but in the book, actually, there's a thousand eighty-four references. It's like, okay, you tell me there's no science. There's a lot of science. And the imaging led me to be a different kind of psychiatrist where I have to get the

physical health of your brain better. And when I get the physical health of your brain, better you are happier. You are better in relationships. You're more effective at work, or as a mom, or as a dad, or as a son or as a daughter, because your brain is firing on all cylinders, which is exactly what we wanted to do.

So think of it like hardware and software. So you've done all the software program. So if you think of group therapy, psychotherapy, EMDR, well what if the hardware's not working right? I mean, no one would try to fix a broken computer with software program. Exactly. Right. So it's both. We want to optimize the hardware.

That's the BrightMinds poster you'll post. And then we want a program. But if you do it in the wrong order, it just invites failure, frustration, demoralization, and it costs a lot of money. Right. Well, I also want to say I'm talking to Dr. Daniel A. Men, people are asking, you can check about it here on Instagram, doc A. Men.

You can also check out his books, his latest book. You've written how many books? 42 books. 42 books. 42 books. The end of mental illness, which just came out a few weeks ago, it is truly fascinating read. And what I want to say is that maybe if you're insurance, does it cover it?

This is how I feel. All the years I spent going to therapists and all the money. And I know I have a lot of, you do specialize in ADD, ADHD, or maybe that's where you started. I know you can look at the brain now for a lot of things, but the money that you spend taking your kids or taking yourself to doctors and jumping around and trying different medications

and trying different modalities, when you could just go and get your brain scan and really start from that place to me is so worth it. I think that you're wasting time if you don't. And I have already seen changes myself, just even taking your powder, your bright minds powder. I might get powder, yeah.

Amazing, so. And it's like, I get criticized, because like, so why does a psychiatrist own a supplement company? It's because when I started looking at the brain, I realized some of the medications I was prescribing are toxic to brain function. And I learned in medical school, like every other doctor, first you know harm, use the least

toxic, most effective treatments. And in the end of mental illness, there's a chapter called mind medicine versus new tracuticals, or supplements that have pharmaceutical effects. And there are 286 references I go through. So what has A level scientific evidence? That means more than two randomized placebo controlled trials for anxiety, for depression, for insomnia, for addiction, for ADHD. And it doesn't mean they work all the time,

but wouldn't you want to start with something natural before you go on a medicine that potentially has side effects that can change your brain to need them? People don't know that medications can be insidious. Now, I prescribed them, I'm really good at them, but it's just not the first thing I think about. Right, because we have to think about our diet, we have to think about our health, there's so many other factors not just taking a medicine.

Absolutely, so what can people be doing right now? We just, you know, at home too. We just got a question from somebody, how do you improve? And I think this is important now, executive functioning, mental skills that include like working memory, flexible thinking, self-control, like are there any things that people can do at home right now to improve their executive functioning mental skills that include like working memory, flexible thinking, self-control. Like are there any things that people can do at home right now to improve their executive functioning? Well, exercise will improve your executive function and eating a diet loaded with colorful vegetables,

a little bit of fruit and high quality protein. If you can stabilize your blood sugar by eating the right brain healthy diet, your cognitive function will go way up. So exercise, eating, right, learning new things, have an exercise. I love, I don't think I've shared it with you yet. It's called feel great, anytime, anywhere.

And what you do is you write down your 10 best memories, the 10 best memories of your life. Of my lifetime, okay. Of your life. And then as you walk through your hotel room, or you walk through your home when you get home, anchor those memories to certain places in your house. So for example, my front door, I'm carrying my wife over the front door and I almost tripped. Now, that's like, why is that a good memory? Because when we were practicing our wedding dance the night before and I dipped her, I almost

tripped and brought her. Now I didn't. So we got there. But it's a great memory and marrying her was the best day of my life. So it makes sense that it's at the front door. But you want to make the memories a little bit funny and crazy, because then you're more likely to remember them.

And then as I go into the kitchen, there's my grandfather, who I was named after, who was my best friend when I was growing up. And literally his job, he was a candy maker. So I see him at the stove making a healthy form of fudge because, you know, his profession took him away from me way too early. And so as I walk to my house, I have all of these great people, great memories. And so whenever I'm sad, or whenever I'm stressed, or I'm thinking the world's gonna end,

and the coronavirus is gonna get me, unlike, no, let me discipline my mind. So mental discipline is as important as physical discipline. Let me discipline my mind because where I bring my attention always determines how I feel. So if I'm watching Fox or CNN and I'm horrified all day long, I'm going to feel horrified. If I focus on what I love about my life, about what I'm grateful for, about who I appreciate, I start every day with this little tiny habit. Today is going to be a great day.

In the middle of a pandemic, today is going to be a great day. And then my mind finds why today is going to be a great day. In the middle of a pandemic, today is going to be a great day. And then my mind finds why today is going to be a great day. I get to talk to you in Hawaii, so I got to see the beach and I'm so happy with that. Right? And then when I go to bed at night, and I'm very purposeful about this, I say prayer, and then I go, what went well today. I focus my mind on what went well and that way I'm setting my dreams up to be more positive because if you sleep well that is the best anti-depressant on the planet. Sleep is the S in bright minds, and so focusing on sleep. But it sees little tiny habits that you can do throughout the day. I have almost a hundred of them in the end of mental illness.

Yeah, it's such a useful. Check out his book, you guys, End of Mental Illness. Doc Aiman, keep going. We're going to sell a lot of books because I think it's such a useful tech artist book you guys ended mental illness doc a men keep going We're gonna sell a lot of books because I think it's necessary right now. We're everyone to read your book Thank you. And then the the mother tiny habit the most important tiny habit the life changing brain changing tiny habit Is whenever you're about to do something? Just ask yourself. Is this good for my brain or bad for it? to do something? Just ask yourself, is this good for my brain or bad for it? And if you can answer that question with information and love, love of yourself, love of your kids, love of your spouse, love of your community, then you're going to start getting seriously healthy. Because getting well is never about deprivation. Oh, I can't have this. I can't have that. That's a four-year-old's mindset

Getting well is about love doing the right thing and if you're like But how much can I drink? It's like that's the wrong Quessager right Okay, alcohol did you see this it's so interesting? Yeah. The alcohol companies do you know what they're doing? What are they doing? They're changing over to make disinfectants. Because we are running out of lice. We're running out of handwaves.

Well, I did. What kills bugs? Alcohol kills bugs. Well, how many bugs do you have in your gut? In your intestinal tract, you have 100 trillion bugs, and they make neurotransmitters, and they digest your food. And they're critical to your immune system. That's sort of important now.

And alcohol is directly toxic to the microbiome or the bugs in your gut. And so less is better. And I know people are going, well, how much can I drink and not hurt my body? Right. They're like, okay, fine. Right. Exactly. How much can they drink?

Yeah. Two normal size glasses a week. And people who drink every day have smaller brains. It's true. And then it come to the brain size matters. The only organ where size matters of your brain. Oh, God. Okay, so true. And then what I love about all these exercises, because especially the anchoring around your

house, like coming up with positive memories, because I've heard you talk about that exercise before I think someone was quoting you on it but if you were all in our home and we're quarantined or like there's my kitchen they're staring at the same wall I'm going into the bedroom if you could really write down we got those 10 memories that you have and literally think of a way like when you're looking in the bathroom and you're like bathroom you know I'm not bad to be a weird one but anywhere you could do it. Yeah, bathroom, I grade in Barbara, like do the name of the locations,

like the B, the B, my aunt Barbara, oh, we showed me how to put lipstick on in the bathroom mirror. And now I remember in Barbara, it just helps so much because we have to learn, and I love all your little tools, the ants, the automatic negative thoughts have been so helpful for me as well,

realizing that my thoughts are not serving me and they're not true. Writing them down every day. These can really help people right now. And then before we go to bed, making sure your last thoughts are not something that you heard on the news or some terrifying loop in your head, but you're actually thinking of what you're grateful for. Or some people don't love the word grateful. It could just be what you're grateful for or some people don't love the word grateful. It could just be what you're appreciative of.

I'm just trying to make it work. Well, gratitude squared. People, but I reach out and say, thank you for doing this with me. I take my gratitude for you and then I build a bridge to another person. So appreciation is twice as powerful as gratitude. And I'm a fan of both of them, but I'm a fan more of appreciation because it builds. Right, exactly. Oh, Dr. Aiman, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it. We're going to do this. People are asking his red line better. We've got a lot of questions. What about real thing though about anything about sex

and intimacy we can talk about at this time before we go? Real quick. How do you know for thought? So taking care of your brain, you're going to get more sex because I always say no for thought equals no for play. That relationships, I mean, it requires us to be our best selves. And if you want to be connected to another person physically,

you really want your brain to work, right? So that there is a bond that you build. All right. All right, everyone. Kids, your brain to work. If you want more intimacy and you want better sex, the end of mental illness is your book, Doc Aiman. It's Daniel, AimanMD.com. We'll put all this information up here too. I'm gonna put up your bright minds in the stories

and thank you so much for helping my brain. We're gonna keep reporting back. I think every month we should do something frequently. Great. Thank you for helping everyone. Thanks to you, thank you everybody. Thank you too, bye thank you for having everyone. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Bye. Thanks.

Thanks everyone. Thanks everyone. Bye. Thank you, everybody, again, for listening to the show, for sharing it with a friend who you think might be in need of this kind of information right now. I love you all. Thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, our interns, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you?

Email me feedback at sexwithaml.com.