Sex With Emily - Adrenaline & Arousal

Episode Date: February 5, 2022

How do you kickstart sexual arousal? Would you believe me if I told you that sometimes, the best ways to get turned on have nothing to do with sex itself? When you take the focus off the bedroom, and turn your focus toward adventure – the kind that gets your heart-pumping, your adrenaline going, and your anticipation building – a cool thing happens in your brain. You’re excited, and that excitement spills over from the activity into…sex. Pretty nifty, right?So on today’s show, we’re going to trust, touch, and titillate our way towards arousal, with bonding hacks you can use on your next date whether it is with a long term partner or someone new. Plus, I take your questions! Ways to feel confident and sexual again after a breakup, how to have kinky sex with a partner who says they aren’t interested, how to decide if you should wait to develop a relationship with a super busy person or cut em’ loose, how to take sexy pictures with each other, and how to communicate your needs efficiently outside the bedroom so that you can reignate the spark when you’re back inside.Show Notes:Serena Kerrigan’s Let’s Fucking DateEsther Perel’s Where Should We Begin?  Come As You Are by Emily NagoskiThe Yes No Maybe List Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When you have an adventure together, you're not only going to give yourself something to talk about on the way home, but you're flushed with that exercise high. And you can use that for sex, especially since your brain is associated with anxiety activity with the person who joined you. It's like four-play. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

So how do you kickstart sexual arousal? Would you believe me if I told you that sometimes the best ways to get turned on have nothing to do with sex itself? Will you take the focus off the bedroom and turn your focus toward adventure? The kind that gets your heart pumping, your adrenaline going, and your anticipation building, a cool thing happens in your brain. You're excited and that excitement spills over from the activity into sex. Pretty nifty, right?

It's kind of cool. So on today's show, we're going to trust, touch, and till it our way towards a rouseau, with bonding hacks you can use on your next date, whether it's with a long-term partner or someone new. Plus, I take your questions. Ways to feel confident and sexual again after a break-up. How to have kinky sex with a partner who says they aren't interested in any kink at all. How to decide if you should wait to develop a relationship with a super busy person or just cut them loose.

How to take sexy pictures with each other. And how to communicate your needs efficiently outside the bedroom, so you can reignite the spark when you're back inside. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, join me in sending an intention for the show. I do it, I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? My intention is to give you the goods on a rousal, which is like a secret weapon for all your sexual relationships. If you

know how to excite your body, well you can use that for your sexual connection. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show and my new Valentine's Day gift guide is up at sexwithemle.com. You got to check it out. Also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you got to check it out. Also, check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. You can leave me your questions there or just message me sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. And please always, always, always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Oh, and no worries, if you want to remain anonymous and not use your real name, I'm totally

cool with that. It just helps me give better answers to you if I know your age and where you live. Super helpful. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Alright everyone, let's talk sexy bonding activities. I've got lots of questions from you all on how to have sex your dates, how to make your sex life more passionate, all that. But I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes a rousal is a little indirect.

It's not always just like throwing some lingerie, let it candle and let the sex begin. Poof, we're excited. Often we have to work with our own brain chemistry beforehand to create an arousade of mind so we can actually ground in the moment and be turned on. Only then can you use that energy with your partner to have the heart pumping sex you all crave. And I know you do. So before we get into your questions I want to break down sexy bonding activities along three themes. Trust, titillate and touch. Let's do this. So number one, we have bonding activities centered on the idea of trust.

This is where you're going to have to get a little bit vulnerable. You're stepping We have bonding activities centered on the idea of trust. This is where you're going to have to get a little bit vulnerable. You're stepping out of your comfort zones, and in so doing, you're witnessing a new side of each other. Let me give you some specific examples. You're going out to dinner with your partner, and you take one of those question card games along with you, like Estelle Paral's, Where Should We Begin,

or like Serena Carrigan's card deck, let's date. Both these women by the way are friends on the podcast. So here's some example questions and you'll see what I'm talking about. What's one thing you've wanted to say to me but haven't yet? Or if you are a soup, what kind of soup would you be? See these aren't all such tough questions. They're just fun questions to get the conversation started. So you can make these games as deep or light-hearted as you want, but the point is you're sharing, you're opening up.

And for a lot of us, that's exactly what we need to feel turned on. Think about, we say things that I don't feel connected to you, and I don't feel like you see me, and I feel like all we're doing is talking about work or the kids. It could just be a fun card game like this that makes you feel turned on and connected, but you need to have these conversations to get there.

But you can also try something equally vulnerable. And in my opinion, super brave, like karaoke. Okay, think about it. When you step up to the microphone, you're probably a little bit nervous unless you're already professional singer, in which case, congrats. I would love to come back as a singer in my next life. But that adrenaline is going to start pumping a bit, and that's precisely what we're trying to generate for a rousal.

Now, speaking of adrenaline, we're about to get into some more adventure-date ideas, but I also want to say here that you don't need to feel pressure to do something that's truly uncomfortable for you in the name of a rousal. If karaoke sounds like a shame trap for you, skip it. Try out a trust-based, date idea that lands just a bit on your comforts edge and you'll reap the same benefits. Alright, moving on. Let's talk titillating bonding activities. Okay, these are your adventure dates, your fitness activities, anything that gets you moving.

And here I just want to read you a few sentences from Emily Nikoski's amazing book, Come As You Are. I recommend it to everyone. Do whatever excites you. Whatever literally gets your heart beating faster. You experience general rousal and your brain will notice your level of excitement. Notice the person you're with and decide, hey, I guess this person is really exciting.

So think physical excitement here. Rock climbing, hiking, going to a yoga class, zip lining, axe throwing, all of it. Even something as simple as going on a walk or a run together. Point is, we're using our nervous system in an intelligent way by juicing ourselves with just the right amount of adrenaline, which by the way is also released during sex. So when you have an adventure together, you're not only going to give yourself something to talk about on the way home,

but you're flushed with that exercise high. And you can use that for sex, especially since your brain is associated with excited activity with the person who joined you. You feel me? It's like foreplay. It is foreplay. I mean, how many movies have you seen where someone's hanging off a cliff and the hero pulls them to safety and the next thing you know they're making out. Same logic. Alright, finally the last one, number three, touch bonding. Ooh, I love this one. Well, these are your more sensual, intimate dates based on skin contact.

Now, hugging in other forms of non-sexual touch causes your brain to release oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and that's perfectly fine, beautiful even. But again, because we're talking about a rousal, we're looking for touch-based activities that get you a bit excited. In addition to adrenaline, though, we're also interested in activities that promote serotonin. One of the first chemicals that get released in the sexual response cycle. So a few proven touch activities that release serotonin include massage, love a massage, going dancing together, even something slow and sensual like Yin yoga done with a partner. But we can also take these ideas directly into the bedroom and fire up your nervous system

when we mix it with a bit of psychology. Alright, bondage, for example. Okay, you're tied up or you're feeling there were strains. Maybe even I'm asked on and you can feel that too. You feel it on your eyelids. You can feel that, you know, that you can't see. There's one sense that's taken away. But your focus is sharpened because because we take away one sense,

your body's focused on the physical sensations. So you're not looking around the room because your eyes are closed, your eyes are covered, and maybe you're getting your rouse precisely because you're not in control. Also, temperature play works too. Like a body-safe candle being dripped on your body, like a massage candle.

Now, that's an adrenaline, serotonin, one, two punch right there. So again, I want you to think about ways you and your partner can create an arousade of mind through novel bonding activities. And by the way, these are ideas you can use for any relationship, not just with your lover. You can do trust activities with a friend. Hell, they even do it in workplaces. There's all those trust exercises places you can go. That's why it's bonding.

You can do tillini activities with a friend. Maybe touch too, you know, depending on the friend. It's all about brain and nervous system hacks that we can use to our advantage that we are a control of to create excitement and bonding. You got it? You ready? All right, onto your questions. This is from Daisy, 27 in Canada.

Hey, Dr. Emily, my male partner and I see very incompatible sexually. I'm very kinky, and I've experienced many kinky things, like impact, breath play, bondage, to name a few, and some of my preferred. But my partner is not interested in treating his partner this way, in quotes. He says he's open and willing to explore, and I am willing to negotiate quite a lot of my interests. But at the end of the day, I will always enjoy a little pain for pleasure and being dominated,

and I don't think he will ever be comfortable giving that. The rest of our relationship is really great, and not being together doesn't feel right. But we are having trouble finding a middle ground, and the repeated conversation has been more harmful than helpful to our sexual relationship and makes it harder to get excited about our sex life. How can we figure out how to both receive pleasure without making sex stressful? Or are we just too incompatible? And this will be a deal breaker.

Thank you so much. All right, Daisy, thank you for your question. I think what you're asking here is something that is just so important to understand that a lot of couples are incompatible. Like what you want sexually just isn't working. And it's been harder to maybe communicate about what it is or how to find common ground. Like let's say everything else is great, but you guys aren't on the same page sexually. What do you do?

Well, first, in reading this, you said that your partner's not interested in, in quotes, treating his partner this way. Well, what I hear here by reading that is that it sounds like you need to have a deeper conversation about what it is exactly you want, what turned you on, what does Kinky mean to you? You know, it's so subjective, and he might have seen something like if D.J. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D? You know, it's so subjective. And he might have seen something

like if Dichy had a gray or been like, Oh, I've seen porn where the woman's like tied up and she's tied up for the rafters and she's being spanked and she's doing all these things and that looks really, really awful. And I can't handle that. It's so extreme. But what I think would be helpful Daisy, if you took some time with him and you said, here's what I'm actually thinking. Let me show you what turns me on. Let me walk you through a scenario from beginning to end. Let me show you some porn. Let me read you some erotica that really depicts the kind of sexual relationship

that turns me on. Now, he says treating as part of it this way. He's got some interpretation of it meaning I am being disrespectful. If I dominate a woman, it means that I am no longer a feminist. It means you know my whole life I was raised trying to treat women well. You know and now you're telling me that I gotta spank you and hurt you. It's almost like his brain does not compute that pleasure and pain are so deeply connected for many people. And he's just off in the, I'm going to hurt you.

This is going to be bad. I could end up in jail or my morals are shot. It's not who I am. This isn't that easy. It's not like you just explained to him and he goes, Oh, I get it. Now I'm going to be fine with it. But there's some nuance here. There's some time that would be really helpful and you really hearing him out and him hearing you out and saying, listen babe, I love everything about our life and these things about our sex, I really turns me on.

But I have found that being a little bit kinkier, having someone spank me, having someone pull my hair is really core to my arousal. And it really allows me to feel the most sexual and the most expressive that I can be. And I'm wondering if you'd be willing to work with me on figuring out ways that you could get around this. This would be something that would also turn you on if you see that it's giving me so much pleasure. And alternatively, I'd love to have a conversation about what turns him on.

Remember, this can go both ways as it should go both ways. Perhaps you could check out our Yes, No Maybe List on our website, which I'm just gonna recommend in every episode because the Yes, No Maybe List is a golden opportunity for so many couples to look at all range of sex acts, and see are they a yes, are they a no, are they a maybe. I mean, what really turns him on? If he's really gonna be able to come on board

and help you, wouldn't you love to become a great lover to him? I'm sure you would. Now, he might be someone who's like, I have no fantasies. Everything you're doing is great. And you know, I talk about this lot in this show as well. A lot of us just don't have rich fantasy life. It just never occurred to us, or we're very by the book, or we think it's not okay to fantasize, or we were shamed out fantasizing. So there's a lot of thing that goes into it here. Most people, in my opinion, need to develop better language about communicating about their sex life.

And once they do, once they get through the hard part and the awkwardness and uncomfortability, they'll realize that, oh, this is actually just like figuring out where we're going for dinner or how we're gonna raise our children. It just takes a little bit of patience, a lot of listening, and a lot of care with someone that you trust, figuring out your turn on together, describing him to what kink means to you

and walking him through it. And maybe you're doing the S, no, maybe list, and playing together might really have you guys bond. Now, if he's just nope, I'm not thinking about it. La, la, la, la, you're talking and I can't hear you. I don't want to do anything sexual or kinky. Then maybe you have your answer. But I think there's a few more steps here

that we can really find out if he's going to be the partner that can go the sexual distance with you. Thanks for your question, Daisy. This is from Keith, 41 in Ireland. Hi, Dr. Emily. I'm married eight years now together eight before that. Sex was never mad adventurous but it's really annoying

me now because she won't talk about it. I tried buying her vibrator, I tried porn, massages, she likes none of the above. I want more, but I don't want more with anyone else. I love my wife and want the adventurous sex with her, but she doesn't seem to want to open up at all. She says she is into masturbating as she doesn't feel the need for it. She only does it because I like it. I feel stuck and don't know what to do. All right, Keith. Now, remember the talking about sex is a practice. Sure, the act of sex is also a practice. But here we are.

Let's say that for eight years, you've been living with an elephant. You're in your wife, there's been an elephant in your house. And you've both seen the elephant, you made way for it. It even gets you to have to back yard and sometimes maybe it sleeps in the garage and it's always around. However, never once, never once,

has either of you said, hi elephant or maybe someone should pick up this elephant dung. Right? No one mentions it, but the elephant's there. Then one day, out of blue, one day you say, maybe we should name him, but let's name this elephant like Babar. And remember, you've never, ever spoken a word about this elephant. It was like he wasn't really there, but he obviously was,

because you saw like remnants of him, right? Like he pooped on the house. Well, your wife's first reaction to that might be confusing. Like, who is this bar? And then once she's done board, she might want to have her stake in the ground and say, well, I was thinking we could call him Dumbo. And my point is, is a shock to the system to never talk about sex, even though it's always there.

But the sex is always there, you know, you're having sex. And then boom, out of blue, we have to talk about it, we have to solve it, we have to make it great. And oh, guess what? It was never that great in the past. Well, that's a lot of pressure. So what I'm saying is she won't talk about it, right? And you're bringing it up. But it's always there. And so she probably knows it's there. But if you brought it up after 16 years just recently, and she's like, whoa, now we're going to talk about it. And you want me to

do porn and you want me to do massage. I don't know what that is, but there might be reasons why she hasn't wanted to be sexual lately And she was happy that things were coasting long and so we got to dial this back We got to say our sex life is really really important to me and I hope it's important to you as well And I know we've been together a long time, but I'd love to just kind of start from the beginning Maybe we could figure out what our turn-ons are and I'd love to know what turned you on. Maybe you could say to her, what are the three most memorable times we've had sex? Let's each write it down and then swap it, you know, sex with each other.

And there's so much information that can come from these lists because maybe you'll find out the three most memorable times where, you know, one time you surprised her and made dinner and gave her a massage. Or maybe it was a time you were in the car. And then you find out that she likes things, sex, that's kind of spontaneous. So there's a lot of information in that storytelling about your sex life, essentially. And so I would try to dial it back and just say, when do you feel the most turned on? What does turn you on or what can we do together? And remember, it's up to both of you.

Then you can share some of your fancies. Again, I'll recommend the yes-no-maybe list. A lot of couples listen to my show together. I can't tell you how many couples I talk to say, thank you for your show because we listen together because it helps couples have this conversation about sex, which I get is so painful for so many of you'd rather live with an elephant Taking over your space than actually talking about it, but once you talk about it and you name it and You get into the conversation you realize it's actually really really important Couple sometimes think it's only sex. It's not a big deal. Everything else is great

But listen if there was no sex happening in your roommates, when sex is the problem in the relationship, it takes up about 90% of your worries. But when it's not a problem in the relationship, maybe it's 10% and you're just thinking about like, when are we going to have it again and everything's great. But I find that most couples fall into the larger range of problems around sex simply because they don't talk about it. So I want you to kind of get out of your own way here because you sound really frustrated, which I got it. She won't talk about it, but maybe it's the way you're bringing it up.

Maybe it's, you know, we got to like peel it back and say I realize maybe I bring these things up, but it's turned you off, but I think that we can both agree we want to be great lovers to each other. Now, she might say, I never want to talk about it and I don't care about her sex life. Well, then you have more information. Then you can say, well tell me more about that. And remember you guys, saying, tell me more about that and getting curious is probably the best advice I could ever give you. Because what we do is, and this goes for friends

and lovers and work, we get so defensive, we get so in our heads that we can't even hear what the person's saying. So it is a practice to also say, something more about never wanting to talk about sex. Tell me more sweetie about never wanting to have sex. Because then you get to listen. She's like, well, I don't really mean I don't ever want to have sex. But it's the way you bring it up makes me feel bad about myself. I mean, think about it.

Typically, the reason why we get so defensive is because it makes us feel bad. Nobody wants to be defensive. But it's because someone triggered something in us and we feel insecure. So that's why we have to listen and go, okay, hmm, tell me more about that. Should we all just practice that right now? Now, I'm also going to say, if she says to you, I hear what you're saying, I do not want to talk about sex. I don't want to invest in it.

If I never had sex for the rest of my life, I'd be okay. And you're just going to deal with that. Well, then we have something else to talk about because I would say your partner can't just opt out of sex. That's part of the commitment is that you're going to be connected intimately. And you know, I'm not, I don't just define sex as penetration. I define sex as intimacy holding hands, kissing, touching. There's a lot of things. for her to say nope, I'm not gonna work on our sex life. It's essentially saying I don't really care about our relationship And I'm just gonna just coast along here. So anyway, I don't think you're there yet. Let's practice the conversation Practice listening Keith and Kimi posted and let me know how it goes This is from Nikki

26 in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily, so I consider myself to be a pretty sexual person. For the most part, I've always had good, consistent, and connected sex with my partners. I was dating this guy for about a year. For the first three months, the sex was good but not great, and maybe once a week, which was very little for me. I tried to connect with him and get him to open up, but that just made him put a bigger wall up which led to less frequent, disconnected sex. He would rarely ever compliment me,

make me feel wanted, or initiate sex, which inevitably made me feel undesirable. Among other reasons, I broke up with him, but I'm starting to worry that it isn't his insecurities and mindset on sex have brought me down. I'm ready to move on and go back to being my sexual self, exploring and growing. I've been putting myself out there, but I wanted to ask your advice and what I could do to better myself and get myself back to feeling sexual and desire.

It feels great to flirt and go on dates, but I want to do something for me that doesn't feel like I'm just filling a void that I was missing in my past relationship. I just don't want to turn this into me seeking out validation from other people. I masturbate regularly but is there something else I can do to help bring out the sexual side of me that I feel like I've been pushing down? Thank you so much for everything you do. You really helped me so much. All right, Nikki, I really appreciate your question here. It sounds like you are just really evolved

and working on yourself and you know that that's just not how you want to feel in a relationship. And so you're putting yourself out there, but then you also know yourself well enough to know, am I feeling annoyed? You know, I don't want to just go on autopilot and just start saving people to fill me up. And again, that's a very evolved, emotionally intelligent way of describing the situation. So I'm not worried about you at all in the key. I just say it. So first, there's a few tips I just want to remind you that you are not the words that your ex said to you.

So let's just separate that for a minute. A lot of times, if you just hear voices in her head, it could be from our parents, it could be from our exes, it could be from our bosses, it could be from our exes, it could be from our bosses, it could be from our friends. And we somehow commingle that with our character at who we are. Like someone shamed you about something and someone's made you feel bad and then all of a sudden we make it like it's true. But your past issues with him were more about his problems, you know, and his challenges

than yours. He essentially wasn't having sex at the rate that you wanted. He was disconnected, he didn't compliment you, he didn't make you feel wanted or initiate sex, and all those things made you feel undesirable. And I'm not even saying that he's a bad guy, but what we've learned about you here, Nikki, is that you actually need to be with somebody who makes you feel cherished, who adores you, who communicates, who shares your loveling, which it sounds like it's words.

It sounds like you need someone to touch you and make you feel good, and there is no shame in that. So you're not even going to be attracted to someone going forward. You just do any of those things, because I can tell. I feel unique.

Like that kind of guy who's like, take it or leave it. Maybe I'll have such a denied, maybe I won't. You'll deal with that for like three minutes in a future relationship relationship just so you know So you're gonna have much better focus now moving forward to meet healthier partners who are gonna make you feel good You had this pain you had this learning experience and now I want you to work on having the compassion for yourself Which is a tall order? I know in a way because you like oh God self-love self-compassion

But I'm telling you this works. It works away because you're like, oh God, self-love, self-compassion. But I'm telling you this works. It works. Because what you have to do is I'm asking you to rewire your brain right now. I'm asking you to fill your brain and your mind and your actions with thoughts and words and feelings that you're programming, not your acts. We've got to like stamp him out. So journaling about how you want to feel, writing like I am deserving of love and feeling

good. And even like writing in the present tense as you already have it, journaling this or visualizing it. I love visualizing and saying, wow, I'm with my new partner and he were in the bedroom, like maybe when you're masturbating, you're picturing this person and he's going down and he's initiating sex. And how does he make you feel? Well, how does he touch you?

What are the words that he says to you? That's a really fun, erotic game to play with ourselves. And you guys also know I'm not making up visualization here in the power manifestation, but when you feel something and you visualize it and you feel it and you can like smell it and taste it and hear it, it's way more likely for then smell it and taste it and hear it. It's way more likely for it to happen. It's almost like you're acting as if,

I mean, this is quantum physics. It will show up, it will show up for you, okay? So what is your new partner like, what does it feel? And then the next part is, we've got some journaling, we've got some visualization and the affirmations. I am worthy of love. I'm deserving of a partner who loves me, adores me, and makes me feel special. And try to forgive yourself for being in a relationship like that. If there's any beating yourself up, eventually you're going

to have to forgive him because he's not, he just wasn't right for you. And once we can get rid of all that stuff that's holding us back, negative thoughts about others bringing you down, feeling like you're not worthy. And you literally are plugging in visualizations, affirmations, journaling, maybe even therapy, if you feel like this is really, really like an anxious toxic thought. All of these things are going to help you move forward. So your next relationship that you're in and it's going to happen. Nikki is going to feel a lot more healthy, a lot more fulfilling, and way more pleasure.

Thanks for your email, Nikki. Alright, everyone. We're going to take a quick break, but when we get back, I'm going to answer it, email from Chris, who's wondering how to bring this spark back into his relationship. I got you, Chris. This is from Chris, 37 37 in Las Vegas. Hi Dr. Amali, my wife and I are newlyweds. Unfortunately for us, we're newlyweds with sex life problems.

We had some relationship troubles in the past year or so prior to being married, which certainly assisted in putting a damper on our bedroom fun. We did couples and individual counseling, and our communication is in a better place now than it was previously. The downside is that our sex life has in no way recovered. Prior to getting married we separated for a while and did our own thing. My then fiance came in strong with the sexual playfulness. Your yes-no-maybe list was explored, sending nudes, phone sex since I work away from home, some swinging, toys, she pulled out all the stops. I had made a strong point that previously she wasn't meeting my needs physically,

as physical touch and quality time. Those are my love languages, and also their hers. I was clear that there needed to be a strong push in this area, as it was important to me, and she made it clear she was ready to deliver. And she did. For about a month or so. This awesome sex life we explored started to fade off a bit after she got a new job and it never recovered. We got married and it didn't even seem to be a big priority for our wedding night to the next few days.

I visit home once a month or so and it barely seemed to be a blip on her radar. I brought it up and she agreed we should work on it, but now the language that comes up includes things like, is that the kind of sect you wanted to have? Or, I know our sex life is important to you. The thing is, I wanted to be important to us. And the month or so when we were having fun and exploring, she started to say that I'd unlock something in her and now she's insatiable. These days, she seems 100% satiated to say the least. As a newlyweds man, it's disappointing because it makes me feel like she might have been in a Get My Man Back Mode previously, and that could mean she wasn't as interested as she let on,

and then it might not be sustainable. Having a fun adventure as an exploratory sex life is very important to me in a relationship. I'm pretty scared now that it's not going to happen. Bringing it up leads to tension. I don't know what to do or how to move forward. Any advice you can offer will be so appreciative. Okay, Chris. Thank you for your email here. Now, I wouldn't go into the, I got my man back territory. The fact that your wife put in an effort in the past leads me to believe that she really wants to please you. And she is invested. When I'm sensing here, it's a lack of consistency, support, and accountability. Listen, couples need each other to stay

and track with their sex lives. She might be someone who's got caught up with her work. And she doesn't have as much time to prioritize it. But if you put all the things in place for her, you know, like, I'm going to make sure that we have vacation time together. I'm going to take you somewhere special. I'm going to make sure that we have vacation time together. I'm going to take you somewhere special. I'm going to tell you to take off work on Friday night.

I'm going to pick you up and we're going to do something great. We're going to figure out together what kind of sex we want to be having. You guys need each other for that. I mean, think about it. Like what I was hearing this and maybe this is too close to home, but I was like, I need people to help me get things done in my life, right? Like I have my team and they help me prioritize, they help me focus on things, and they help me meet my goals around work.

So maybe I'm going to give your wife, Penifer to the doubt, that she actually does want to work on your sex life. And she wants to be a great lover and she wants to initiate and do all the things. But if she's working a lot in prioritizing work, it just may be hard for her to find the space. Because for some people, it's really easy. Some of you are great at organizing. They know what they want. They're super goal oriented. The sex life is important to me.

And I'm going to put it at the top. But if she's someone who has a lot of other priorities, it just might be harder for her. You can try to work together. You can say we're in this together rather than she's got to initiate now. Or she's not, you know, I'm really afraid, you know, she's sensing that as well. So if you just roll this all back and you start with a new attitude and you say, you know, I realize that maybe I've been putting some pressure on you lately, but I just want to talk about going forward.

We're married now. Let's talk about ways that we want to show up for each other intimately. How amazing that you both share physical touch and quality time. Because then you could say, you know, I've been thinking a lot about our love languages, and since we both at FisilTouch, I thought we could take it a massage class, and we could learn how to massage each other together. And we could have a date night, non-negotiable,

every week where we are, for sure, we have quality time together. It's all bet, if you guys are both busy leading your own lives, you probably have as much quality time together. And so that has to be something that is a non-negotiable in your relationship. We're going to have our date night. We're going to spend every Saturday together. We're going to make sure that every quarter we have a week long vacation together. See what I mean. So this is really working and supporting each other. So you're both getting your needs met sexual and otherwise. So let's reframe the conversation. Let's get you out of the like doomsday.

This is not going to work. I'm really afraid and give her the opportunity to show up. And the tools she might need to show up to be that lover to herself and to you. So let's get rid of the fear and anxiety around it. And let's get some practical tools to you guys and start working together and having amazing sex. You both deserve it. This is from Justin Forty in Texas. Hi, Dr. Emily.

My girlfriend and I have an almost two-year-old now, and the first several months of our relationship, prior to her getting pregnant, we were having frequent random intercourse and oral sessions, mostly initiated by her, which was amazing. Once she got pregnant, and even now, she's still breastfeeding, which I know can impact libido, her drive has not been anywhere close to where it was. It went from four times per week to once a month, maybe, and she hardly ever initiates. There was a period of time where it was uncomfortable for her to have sex, and that has slowly gotten better, but now she feels like it's more of a job to her instead of something organic

she truly enjoys, and she doesn't job to her instead of something organic she truly enjoys. And she doesn't want to disappoint me when she says, no. What can we do to try to get back to more frequent sex and even her initiating from kind of time, even if it's just one time per week? Alright, Justin. For two years now, you've been experienced sex way less frequently. It sounds like you understand that having a baby is gonna have an impact on it and just not where you want it to be.

And you want the four times a week and you want to initiate, I understand all of that. What I wish is that we have that first conversation, like that exciting conversation with our doctor when we say we're having a baby, that after the doctor says congratulations, he says something like, okay, here's what you need to know about your sex life.

Your sexual desire is gonna fluctuate throughout your pregnancy, you know, the says something like, okay, here's what you need to know about your sex life. Your sexual desire is going to fluctuate throughout your pregnancy. You know the next time months? Some women say the third time, they're like extra spicy and they want more sex, some not so much. But after you have the baby, it might take a year or so until you're both feeling sexual again. Oh, and don't expect random acts of oral, my wonderful patience, at all, the first six months. In fact, maybe longer than that, maybe for a year. Because now you have a baby,

and your baby's mom is breastfeeding. She's literally responsible for its life on a moment's moment basis. And your adorable beloved baby is hanging off her 24-7. So it's hard for the mom to so you know this, to go to the bathroom to shower to eat, call her mom back. So when you walk in the door from wherever you were, she's not thinking how tasty it would be to go down in you. She's wondering if you have snacks. She's wondering if you could hold the baby for a second. Well she does something like empty the dishwasher, you know, or nap, because she probably hasn't slept in days. I mean, all this to say the most important thing for a partner to someone who is given birth and who's breastfeeding and taking care of

child is to have a lot of compassion and a lot of empathy. And to bring it back to the topic of today's show, putting a lot of time into understanding your partner's desire language. Like, what does she need to feel most in her body? What does she need to feel relaxed, closer to her pleasure rather than further away from it? What really turns her on? Like, not just when you go down at her. What are the steps before the steps before the steps? What's her love language? Maybe she wants acts of service, so maybe you're making the bed and watching the baby so she can exercise or walk outside or help around the house, and maybe you already do this, I'm just giving an example here. Maybe that's her foreplay.

Or maybe she really likes touch, and she would love if you drew her bath and you helped her suds up and you gave her a massage afterwards. So once you figure out what she needs to get her nervous system calm, so she's not in fight or flight and caring for the baby, so she can just go, I feel really good in my body. She might get that inkling of desire back so you can both continue to fan that flame of connection that you once had. I don't believe that your connection's gone. It's rather, how can you both better understand each other now as parents?

Two years in when your entire life where you could have sex four times a week, where you could have ran to max of oral, all these things, it's just, it's along the case. And since again, we don't understand our desire cycles. We don't know what actually gets us in the mood for sex. And furthermore, we don't want to talk about it with fear of shaming ourselves, shaming our partners. We don't know what to say. And then we're mute. And then that doesn't both well for any relationship. And that's why I do the show. That's why we're all in this together.

So, I would real back, I would slow down a little bit, just him, and just I know next date night, which can I just give this a shout out here for date night? It is so important for couples to have non-negotiable date night, which can I just give this shout out here for date night? It is so important for couples to have non-negotiable date night where it's literally like just as important as your baby's first doctor's appointment. It's as important as your doctor's appointment. It's important as things giving. And this is not just me. There are so many studies that show that couples who have a non-negotiable date night. Every single week, not once a month, not when you remember, not when you feel like it, because you won't ever feel like it. And it's without the kids, they sit rules around it.

Maybe they leave their phones in the car. They're not allowed to talk about their kids. They're not allowed to talk about work. And it's just about the two of you because remember your relationship. As a couple, it requires nurturing. It requires an intense focus on the health of your bond, and the health of your relationship. It requires commitment to your relationship

to saying we're going to be such better parents. We're gonna be better at our jobs. We're gonna be better everything if we make sure that our relationship is healthy. So I recommend that next time you guys are on date night, you say to her, how's it been going? Is there anything you need for me? How can I help you?

How can I make you feel most in your body? You know I don't want to pressure you at all. You know where you guys have been together a while. Let's just open up the conversation, get curious, you're not gonna solve it in one date night. But, you know, I think again, this is just about the spirit of this show. It's getting couples both to be onboard committed and contributing equal parts to the health of your

relationship and your sex life. All right, Dustin. Thank you so much for email and best of luck to you. Let me know how it goes. Keep you posted. This is from Matt 35 in Michigan. Hey, Dr. Emily, how do I get my wife on board for allowing me to take some sexy photos of her? I've done some boot war shots of others before and will let you sum up my wife. I will consider myself a hobbyist photographer. Thanks. Whenever people say things to me like, how do I get my partner to? How do I get my partner to be a threesome? How do I get my partner to give me a oral? How do I get my partner to let me take naked photos of her? I always think, well, you're not going to get your partner to do anything. To me, that just sounds sort of,

not that this is your intention, but it sounds like I'm gonna do everything I can to get my way. But remember, when we're talking about your intimate connection with your partner, it's about both of you. So both of you having your needs met and succeeding. So maybe what I'm hearing is maybe she doesn't really understand it.

Like why? So let's start with your why. Why do you want to take sexy photos of her? Is it because you enjoy the process of taking photos? Is it because you want to have something to look back on once you have these photos and you can share them? Is it something that you want to do because you think it'll make her feel sexy to have photos? And also what's it for her? I mean, I don't know. She had been thinking, I don't love my body right now. I don't want anyone to ever see these photos. I don't feel very sexy.

So having a deeper conversation about what it actually means for her to participate and for you guys to have this experience of taking Buddha or photographs together, understand where you're coming from, and what's it for her or what's not. Will really help you get what you want and get what she wants. wants actually think that taking Buddha our photographs together sounds kind of fun and hot Like to be honest if I was to the part of that I trusted and he said I think it is really sexy to watch you You know, I love taking pictures and I feel really in flow and I feel like the my most

Confident self and you would be my dream subject because I love watching move and I love seeing you dress up in lingerie and Let's go shopping and buy you some clothes that make you feel sexy and that turn you on and maybe we can rent a hotel room for the day with a pool and we could Go to a beach somewhere and take photos like give her the details about it like what is the day? How does this day go down? Are there snacks? Is there wine? Is there a babysitter? You know, again, and this goes for everything. This goes for your partner saying, I don't want to do anal. Honestly, people oftentimes just say, notice things because they don't understand what you are picturing. Paint a story for her. Paint a picture. And what's in it for her? Remember, I want to have anal. Sounds like it feels really good when I penetrate you and all maybe your

partner's heard to go off an anal is she's thinking or he's thinking whoever we all have anuses. Oh God, well that's by you, but that's going to be painful. My anus is only for exiting and all the things we talk about in all of our anal shows, which you can look at. We've got tons of anal shows and tons of anal blogs. I'm not going to get off an anal, but what I'm going to say is we often just blurt things out to get out what our needs and then we feel rejected when we're not really explaining where we're coming from, why it's a core part of our eroticism, why it turns us on, and then remember to think about our partner. What's it for them? What's it for us and everybody wins? Okay, thanks for your question, Matt. This is from Joanne, a 33 in Spain. Hello, Dr.

Ebley. First of all, thank you so much for the show that I adore. It made my sex life a lot more exciting and easier. I am finally dating again, but I feel like he never has time to meet me. I think that in these first few weeks, you really want to get to know the other person with no excuses. But for the first time in my life, someone keeps finding excuses, which seem legit. They're all work related, but still. I don't believe you see other people, and he told me he really liked me. I would like to know if I should

wait, invest in this, or if this is a red flag. I think when we were young, there were no excuses, meaning that when you wanted someone, you would do anything. But nowadays life gets in the way, and is it valid to keep people on hold or not? Great question to add now, and I'm still glad you like the show, and that it valid to keep people on hold or not? Great question Joanna, and I'm still glad you like the show and that it's major sex life a lot more exciting. That's what I'm all about. So listen, I'm gonna hear it a valid that you Joanna. It is totally valid that you want someone who's into it.

Has the time. He might not have time right now. And it's totally okay for you to say to him, you know what, I'm really liking our connection, but what I'm looking for right now is someone who is time to invest in dating and getting to know someone. And it seems like we have good vibes here,

but if dating isn't a priority to you right now, I totally get it. But just let me know. It was really nice to meet you. Maybe our paths were crossed in the future. Do I have been questioning it and worrying is he gonna get in touch? Is he not gonna get in touch?

I think this sooner we just say, you know what? I've learned a lot of my life and I've actually been like you and I've been in times where I wasn't prioritizing relationships, but right now it's a really important part of my life. I love dating and I love being in relationships and that's what I'm looking for.

So just let me know. I'm reading that maybe you're really busy with work and all that, which is totally cool and that this might not be the right time. So that's how I would deal with this one. But I don't believe in really waiting around that long people to change, especially early on in a relationship. Remember they're doing you a favor. People show you who they are pretty early on. The issues you have in the third date, you're going to have forever. Unless someone really tries to change, if they're always late,

they're not prioritizing you, they cancel, they don't pay, they're cheap, like all the things, people don't change that much. No, I'm not saying everyone's perfect, we all have things that show up on the third date, right? I'm not saying they're all deal-breakers. But a red flag to me here is indeed him making you feel like you're not desirable. And I don't think it's a younger, older thing. I think when maybe when we're younger, definitely we don't have as much worry, we throw caution to the wind, we're like, I can just date this

person forever. I've all the time in the world. And maybe when we get older, we realize like we've learned a lot, we've been older relationships, no matter what age you are, we are. We can always find somebody who's on going to be on the same page as we are. And a lot of dating is timing. Maybe he's amazing and he's a great guy for you, but the fact that he's not available right now means that he's just not. I've been there, I've been times I meet someone great and I'll say, you know what?

I'm not actually gonna date the next few months because I am so busy with work. I don't have space or time to be a good partner. I'm not time to date someone right now, so I'm just taking off the table, which is a huge relief for me, not to have to think about dating. Can't tell you.

I was like, how nice to just focus on my friends and my health and work. Let I actually felt way more ready to get back to dating once I took that time. That's just a little public service down to for everybody that you don't have to always be on this perpetual treadmill of trying to date. Feels really good to take dating off the table.

So just try that. You might like it. It gives you a lot of space. Because then you're like, oh, should I be swiping? Oh, should I be out of the bar night? Should I go on this date? No, I'm actually not dating till Q1. I actually did that once. I was like, I'm not going to date to the first quarter. It was very much relief. So anyway, Joanna, you're not in that position. You want a date right now. So the faster we move through people, you aren't meeting our needs and they don't want the same goals, faster we'll move on to finding people who do meet our needs and our goals.

Alright Joanna, thanks for your email. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemle.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles

for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. Thanks for joining us for this wonderful day.