Sex With Emily - Affair Repair

Episode Date: February 21, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is helping you get your relationships and your sex lives back on track by taking calls and answering emails. She gives some tell-tale signs that your relationship isn’t moving at a healthy pace, ways to effectively work through an affair, why you have to let you partner know right away if sex is causing you pain, and how to get past your jealousy over your partner’s relationship with a sex toy. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Hello Fresh, UVee, Intensity, Promescent Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show I'm taking your sex and relationship calls and answering your emails. Topics include how to recognize signs your relationship isn't moving at a healthy pace, effectively working through an affair so you can get your relationship and sex life back on track. Looking past your own stories to really uncover the root of a sexual challenge, why you have to let your partner know right away if sex is causing you pain and getting past jealousy of a partner and his or her relationship with their sex toys. All this and more, thanks for listening. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions Betrubized they call them in a bygone way.

Hey Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common with all of it? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information go to sexwithemily.com. Check out our blogs on the website this week. How do I confidently approach a sexy stranger is one of my favorites.

We're updating it all the time. But if you've been feeling like you just don't have it in you to get your Florida on or meet anyone new, I hear this all the time. This blog has some really good tips to have you face those fears and get out there again with practice so it doesn't even feel like work. Sound like a good plan. And you can also join me in social media as always. It's all at sexual family and Instagram, Facebook, Snapchatchat and Twitter and I love when you follow me there I love hearing from you what you think of the shows and I always post as soon as the new episode is live and I'm sharing in articles and things that I find interesting so I will see you over there on social okay we're gonna

get into some sex in the news and then we have your calls and emails signs a relationship isn't moving at a healthy pace. So I contributed to an article by bussell at bussell.com. They have some great pieces up there. They do a lot of dating and relationships and they emailed, they asked some questions and they were like, you know, what are the signs that, you know, your relationship just

might not be the healthiest. And I know I talk about this a lot in the show. I'm like, well, know what you need from your partner and know what's important to you. But I'm going to read through a few of these. And even if some of them are like, oh, God, does that mean I have to break up with them? No, even if this makes you think like, huh, that's some of my relationships that I actually think I want to work on. Then look it that way. Or if a lot of these seem familiar to you, well, you know, you might want to just look

towards your relationship and see, is this right for me? So let me go through some of these for you. So we all know what happens, you get into a new relationship and everything's great, you have the butterflies and it's the honeymoon phase and everything seems amazing and great with our partner. We don't see the red flags and we're excited. But eventually, after a few months, I'd say three to four months and so I'm sooner, we wanna start looking,

is this the person we wanna move forward with that we wanna be in a relationship with if you're looking towards monogamy or a serious commitment? commitment and you know we all have different pieces that we move at so again take this article with a grain of salt But just make sure that you guys are aligned with some of these points So let me give you the first one your conversations stay at a very Surface level so if you've been feeling lately like you know, we just keep talking and we've been together a while and I just don't feel like I know them very well. It might be time to, it probably is time to start that conversation. And this made me think of something that if I look back at my earlier relationships, like the ones I had in my teens and 20s and before

I started really like having therapy and looking at relationships so I can help all of you, if I felt that things were not going so well in a relationship, like for example, let's say I didn't think our conversations were that great or they didn't really know me or they weren't interested, I usually would just do what a lot of people do. I would blame my partner. I'd say, well, they're not deep. They're not challenging me to go deeper in conversation.

But what I can tell you is that when you look at relationships oftentimes and you're complaining about something or you think it's a fault in your partner, it's really great to look at yourself and say, you know, have I tried to make this, for example, in this situation, if I tried to really make the conversation more interesting and to make it more intimate and more personal,

so the next one is it's saying to surface, look at yourself and say, you know, maybe I need to bring this up. I need to say, you know what, I wanna start talking about things to you and take it to a next level so we can be closer and enhance intimacy and being vulnerable and really talking about these things is important in our relationship. You want things to eventually move beyond like, what are we having for dinner and what

are our plans for the weekend. But again, it's not a reason to throw away your relationship, it's a reason to say, well, maybe I can bring some of this to the table. The next sign, maybe that your relationship might not be moving at a healthy pace. You question whether or not your relationship has a future. And we all know that relationships are alive. They need to keep growing and moving forward. And I feel like when they get stale

or they get stagnant, we're just kind of like, ah, like what's this really about? If you're in a relationship where you feel like there's no future or you're not getting that from your partner, you might want to take a look at it. Because we see this a lot today, especially if you're casually dating. You might not only avoid talking about the future, but you might not even know when you're going to see them again,

like if you're under casual thing, you're like, yeah, this was a great hookup. But if you see this as a relationship that you're hoping to grow into something more permanent, and you guys never get past the immediate plan that you have, this is likely a sign that something else is going on, meaning one of you has one foot out the door or someone just not fully committed. So if you realize, yeah, I realize I'm always wondering when the next plan is, this is the time to bring it up. This time say, like, I'd like to plan.

I'd like to know if I could talk about our next vacation and what's next for us. So again, that's something to look at. And if you feel like you've tried this and it's still there's no sign that you could see going towards the future, it might be time to take a closer look and see if it's right for you. Another point is you haven't met their family. Now I understand there's definitely reasons why you might not meet someone's family. Maybe they're strange or their family lives really far away.

But you guys know that feeling when you're really into someone and you're so excited and you want them to meet everybody. You're like, I want you to meet my people at work and my family and my friends. And if you're dating someone and you're feeling like, oh, it's weird, I haven't met anyone in their life. I've introduced them to my family, why have I met their family? I think that that's definitely a sign. And again, you could bring it up and say to them,

like, hey, you know, I think it's important. I'd like you to meet my people and I want to meet your people because it feels to me like we're not really moving forward. Again, I think that's a sign. And I feel like again, early on, it's really good to look at these things because when everything's great at the beginning, we tend to brush things under the rug and say, ah, he doesn't really like his family.

So it's okay. Or she never talks about her mom, so it doesn't matter. Believe me, we all have family, and we all have friends that we all want to feel included in love, and that's a sign that things are moving forward. And then finally, here's another one you guys, you don't feel emotionally fulfilled. Now, this one always comes down to communication. And you might feel like you're not totally emotionally fulfilled and you don't know why. And usually, the culprit is that one or both of you are not really emotionally invested or connected to the relationship. And again, this can be solved by talking about it.

And you might have to be the one that shows your emotional cards first. So you're like, I want to be invested in this and I want to keep talking about how I'm feeling and you can even say I feel like we don't talk a lot about my emotions or what's going on because maybe you don't feel safe with your partner They can handle it or maybe in the past you felt like you brought something up and they were like, oh, I don't have time for this Or they seem annoyed a lot of times our partner can do one thing like we bring up a bad day and they're like I don't have time for this And then we assume they never want to hear about our feelings for example

So we don't even realize we're doing it. So if you feel like, God, I'm part of this, I don't feel fulfilled. I feel kind of empty. And there's like a triggering point that you remember. Again, you guys, this is all fair to talk about and bring into the relationship before you decide that it's not working for you. It's always great to check ourselves. We're in a relationship and something's just not quite right.

If any of these, and there's a few more points, you can check out the article. Nine signs, your relationship isn't moving at a healthy pace because I want you all and something's just not quite right. If that any of these, there's a few more points you can check out the articles. Nine Signs Your Relationship isn't moving at a healthy pace because I want you all to be in relationships that you feel really good about and make you feel like a better person and being with someone that improves your life and doesn't take away from your life.

Okay, now we're onto your calls and your emails. And I love hearing from you and getting your questions and you can always text them to ask Emily all one word to 7979.7979. You can also submit a question from the sexftheemily.com website via the Ask Emily tab and as always include information that helps me help you your gender your age where you live and how you listen to the show and I can't wait to hear from you. If Cody he's 29 from South Dakota and he's calling about getting past cheating and mismatched lovely mutes in his relationship. Hey Cody. Hello. Hello. So tell me what's going on with you.

Okay, so I've been married as my wife for five years and she's 23 and I'm 28 and with my job situation, I've taken over another ranch over the last six months and we've kind of lost our touch. And she stepped out on me with one of our neighbor guys when I say neighbor he's 10 miles away, but He came over and I caught them in my house and It was a very tough time in our life and I the first thing that I looked at was looked at myself and said what what did I do? You know, what do I need to do to fix this? And so our sex life was great for about the first five weeks. You know, it's kind of the got our spark back.

You know, we got back to the roots and what brought us together. And we ignited that fire. Great. And so now, now we're at a stage to where it's like, you know, that's starting to we're off again. And, you know, I'm starting to think about things again. And, you know, I love my wife. I, we have a little boy that's here and a half

and I don't want to, with my situation, I'd never find anybody that's like her to stay here. I mean, she's my soul mate. And I, I don't know which way to turn to keep this going. And so, I've, you know, I've listed your podcast all the time. And thank you. I've gotten some toys and stuff and tried that out. And, you know, she's, she's very inexperienced in that department. And I guess I'm, I'm looking for ways to how she can gain her confidence and, you know, talk to me about sex and talk to me about

all that stuff. And, you that stuff and get so she's comfortable with me and that department because I feel like that's where we're lacking. Yeah, no, that makes sense. So there's a few things going on here. So first of all, you said that you took the blame on yourself. What did you do wrong? And I understand that. A lot of us do that.

You could either have gotten really mad at her or you blame yourself. Usually we pick either their side or we pick our side, right? Or we blame ourselves. So I feel like, you know, there's two of you in the relationship. So I know she's young and I know she doesn't have that experience, but I think that this is, you know, a great time for you guys to practice communication about everything. And you've been listening to this show. So you probably know a lot of what I'm going to say here about around that. But you got to keep... So I want to make sure though, because you automatically blamed yourself. Are you sure there still isn't some kind of resentment or fear that she might do it again or that she's not being honest in other areas? Or do you think you've truly opposed it? I don't think so at all, because she's completely

committed herself to me. And what can I do? And she takes 100% blank. And she doesn't want, she says, I was my fault. And it was a bad choice. It was the worst choice. Right. And done everything. And with our love languages and stuff, she's not a physical touch person.

And I am. And that's what speaks to me. That's yeah. And when I feel love, I feel betrayed. And my pride's gone. And that's what speaks to me. That's yeah. And when I feel love, you know, I feel betrayed and you know My pride's gone and you know, that's the worst thing for a man to do to have your wife, you know, have sex with another man. Yeah and And so now, you know, my pride's gone. I feel like trying to get some of that back is through, you know, making that connection with her and now, you know, she, you know, I don't want her to feel like our relationship the only thing that's gonna fix it right that's where i'm that's where i'm born well so it's interesting to talk about the like you know i think the

love languages are so so helpful in a relationship do you know what so there's the five lovely languages people listening i can you know but do you know what her love languages yeah that's quality time and gift okay and, and then yours is physical touch and acts of service. Okay, so how is she doing in the other areas and how are you doing with quality time and gifts? She's really pick, you know, we've sat down our movie nights and I've pushed, you know, I've pushed back some of my ranch obligations and, you know, where I would pick the

ranch before, you know, something else between us, I have put that off and made that transition to prove that she is the most important thing in my life. And she's becoming more of a housewife and doing chores in the house, the laundry, and this and that. So you guys are working on it except for the sex stuff. Yeah. So here's the thing about.

Well, for the first five weeks, I mean, we basically had sex every day and sometimes twice a day. Right. And so I think that was a little scary too, because then for her it's an expectation. Right. And then it's not hot for her anymore, because she's like, now he's going to want sex.

Exactly. Because that's like everything in life. So are there other ways that you can experience touch from her that isn't sex? so you know massage or just holding hands and I'm watching TV like with that all or cuddling on the couch with that also give you that kind of those kind of endorphins those yeah, I mean because you could let her know I mean I think that you got to tell her like I don't want the expectation that we're gonna have sex every day, you know, I want you to know that it's not just about that so talking about honestly and

openly and you said you've been listening to the podcast uh... for a long time to she listened to the podcast you guys ever listen together yeah there's been topics you know there's there was a one a few months ago about infertility and sex addiction and all that stuff i you know i let her listen to that and we listen, and we let her listen together in the car. And she's probably listened to a few of them,

but then there again, I don't know if it's, she feels uncomfortable listening to that kind of stuff with me and I don't know. It's poppice and intuition. And soon as she grew up in a very sheltered life, and her parents are great. They were pretty wealthy and I mean she was very sheltered and now she come out here to the ranch and we kind of Distance ourselves from the social life because you know sometimes people suck and it's just being you know being around other people It's it's tough right and so being out here, it's just us. Right.

No, that's a challenge. I can understand she's young too. You're young. You guys are both like you're growing up together. She's essentially like 18 to 23. That's a big gap in life. You know what I'm saying? Like those years, you really grow up.

So I feel like, I mean, this is your situation that you're in right now. And it sounds like you guys are talking about things and it's healthy. I feel like since you're her first partner, maybe you're one of her first partners, or she doesn't have a lot of experience, she might not even know what's possible with her sexuality. So that's why Asif she listened. It might be useful if she listens to some shows

about masturbation and touching herself with like what then fans say and like what makes her feel good, because it sounds like a lot of the sex might be around, like pleasing you in expectations, but believe having her sort of kind of get into her own sexuality which is something that you know a lot of women don't just take that on themselves until there's a problem or challenge but if we can make it something that she's into and that she you know it's kind of like you're exploring together and when you've sex like do

you you said you're having great sex is she having orgasms? well see that's I've she's always said that you know it's almost impossible for me because she just never never figured out what what you think you i should have as a good so she needs some as she's got time at home between laundry and cooking she's i think i know you bought a toys but you leave she might not use them so she needs some more incentive she doesn't even know what she's missing because she's never had an orgasm so i think some time that you spend just pleasing her

would do wonders. You've heard me say she comes first, right? Yeah. So I think we need her to, and I want this for her. Like, I was saying, way, I didn't have an orgasm. I had to like figure out that like what orgasms even were and figure out my own body. And so if she's not going to do it on her own,

you've got to just put some time, you know, with her. And that was like after I got to that, that dual stimulation toy for Christmas, maybe a week later, we used it and that was the first time she ever ordered it. Great. You know, it was just because I was using it for her. And a couple of weeks later, she started to get uncomfortable and I just wanted her to feel the way that I do.

And so I centered all up, I did the candles and the battery and the shower and you know, put some music on, put her in the shower and I gave her a toy and here you figure out what works for you. You know, find out what works for you and she kind of broke down and it was, you know, probably my fault,

it would put a bunch of pressure on her. Yeah, it sounds like a lot of pressure. How about some time just you're with her? I think she might need a glitter roll. It sounds like you got it probably got her a dual stimulation, like a rabbit type toy. But I feel like she might need some glitter rolls toys, some lube.

Lube is so important for women for masturbation and for men. But that's definitely women when she's starting out and just kind of massage her, help her find her glitter if so what makes her feel good if she's not gonna do it on her own because that does sound like a lot of pressure like she wants to be as you and be a good wife and a good partner. So I think we got to slow things down rewind and maybe there's a night of you just massaging her body all over and you and let her know that you don't need anything in return. Yeah. Can you do that? Yeah. Let's start working on her. You know, I've got so much great information on the site. I've got about masturbation. I mean, everywhere,

our podcast, find someone that are about the G-Spot and female pleasure and and help her out here. And then she'll, you know, then she'll lower body and then you guys will be, you know, working towards expanding your sex life together. Yeah. That's what you got to do, Cody. It's not about you. It's about her and her now. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Thanks Cody Thanks for calling. Thank you. I mean how it goes. Bye. Yeah, good night. Bye I was thinking to ask him about the orgasm. I knew it. She hasn't orgasmed yet Why would you buy into something if you don't even know what the pot of gold is in the rainbow? So she's young and she's experiencing it so you guys

If you are with your partner and you're asking for things and asking, why aren't we having sex more and more, and they're not experiencing pleasure, they're not going to be able to meet you. So for any woman listening to, if you're single or in a relationship, it is so important that you take that time to masturbate, to understand your body, what makes you feel good, and it changes over time, and you're never done. The good part is you might figure out, oh yeah, I like little orgasms, they feel good, but there's so much more, like nipple orgasms and different touch and different sensations.

So this is fun, you guys. It's like going to the gym, it's working out, you're never done and you got to exercise different muscles. So that's what they got to do there. And you all should be getting on that train. It's important to love yourself. Now let's give a quick shout out to our sponsors. Thanks for supporting them.

I hope you're enjoying the show and we'll be right back. Hi Natalie. Hi Emily. Hi. Thanks for calling it. I'm so good. I'm happy to be talking to you. You are young. Tell me what is going on. Yes. So 24 have been in relationships with my boyfriend for three years now and to me obviously we're so young but it's pretty serious and something that I'd love to pursue but our sex life is just somehow, I have such a low libido, I don't want to have sex all the time, and he wants it, he's always pushing me, but he's gone to the point where he feels like he's just pushing me, and I'm 24, so I want to be wanted. Right. No, of course, so are you taking any medication right now? I am not. I want to have a new baby that I do currently have an IUD as my birth control.

But I found that it kind of is also when I was on the pill and other forms as well, but I know that could probably make you a possibility. Sometimes. Sometimes. Yeah, but an IUD and birth control pill, they could have an impact on your libido, but also, you know, on your sex drive, but you guys have been together for three years. Do you guys live together? Yeah. Okay. No, we do not three years. Do you guys live together? Yeah.

Okay. No, we do not. Okay, but you see them a lot. Just see them. Okay. So, I think that, do you enjoy sex when you have it? I do, but I think it's because I've such a little libido. I also, you know, and I know as many women do have a very difficult time or gathering.

So, you know, I think because I don't have them all the time as well, you know, I don't have a drive to have sex. There's no incentive. It's almost like now I feel like I'm not going to have one so it's kind of like oh. Right, so no I get it. So here's the thing about low libido and sex drive and all that stuff. There's a lot of different factors. I mean it could be birth control bail, it could be, it could be, it could be, it could be

or IUD. But here's the thing that for women we don't get turned on the same way that men do, right? So a rousal and desire is very, very different. So you might not be desiring. You're not thinking about it. Sex isn't top of mind. And then when you do think about it, it's going to be challenging. So that's all in your mind.

And so what I'm going to give you some homework, because it's completely possible when you ensure at the beginning you had it. So it's very common for people in long-term relationships to experience exactly what you're saying. So there's a lot of women who've been in their studies that came out that women who were in long-term relationships and said they had low libido. When you know the second they you know broke up with their partner they had a new partner

and their sex drive came back. So it's because we miss that novelty and that newness and that excitement. So that's part of it. But I would say for you the big thing right here is for you to spend some time making sex a priority and putting it top of mind. So do you masturbate? I don't, but I've been trying to do a thing. I've been trying to get into it. I do have the wee vibe touch.

Awesome. And I found that I can use that only on top of my clothing. So it's been hard for me to integrate that into sex because it's a little too strong. Right. How about if you use it on a lower setting? Yeah, I use it on the first setting. I'm clearly very sensitive. Right.

And it just orders the, um, the, um, womanizer, the newer one. Yeah. The name, the sky. Yeah, that's supposed to look like the Mara. So I'm very excited. Oh my god. You're awesome.

Yeah, the womanizer's starlet is amazing. The little handheld one. So that one's great too to use during intercourse. So don't be ashamed if you need to use a vibrator to have an orgasm. You should bring it in. And I think I was going to actually tell you that the wish by Wevibe is another great one

because it's for the inner and outer, literal legs, if you were the clitoris, it's for you kind of place it over your vulva. And it's just not as strong. It's not as powerful, but it's more like a, it's a different kind of vibration, so that could be a great one for you to use as well. But back to your masturbation, like it's so true, like the more that you keep sex top of mind and that you're masturbating and thinking about sex and like the build up to sex, the more you're going to crave it. So I get it. Like my

job is to masturbate. Now, weeks, I'm like, oh my god, I got to go masturbate and try these toys and do this thing. And like I can just, you know, life gets in the way. But when I buy myself it, when I do, you know, I've gone in ebbs and flows. But the more I do it, the more I want it. So if there's like, you know, do you ever like read a rhodica or watch porn or do anything at all that kind of could keep sex top of mind, like talking dirty to your boyfriend. Because for women like guys like he could see you walk in the room and he wants sex. But for women we need some time to like warm up like men are you know are frying pans, women are slow cookers. It's just the way we are.

So I feel like this is on you to kind of like bring this like it's and you're going to like it like you're going to feel like oh wow. I actually feels good. I'm going to want to have it like you're gonna feel like oh wow I actually feels good I'm gonna want to have sex because we're trying this new toy or I've been reading you know you guys can watch some porn together you know so have you tried any of those things it's important yes I have I have started to try to watch porn I feel like that's kind of like what's gotten me in the mood but then you know obviously I haven't done that too much with him, but he's really willing to, and it's something that we openly talk about.

And he even tried not to kid around me like, I always want it and you don't. He wants me to do what I have to do. So maybe that is something that we definitely could try. I mean, I think that watching pointed out that. I think it's also like I want to be able to, I've been able to finish on my own. It just now, as a matter of like, while doing it with sex. I think that's also like I want to be able to, I've been able to finish on my own. It just now, the matter of like, while doing it with sex. Like, I think that's what I really crave. I want to like, know that I'm going to have an orgasm

when I have sex with him. But he's always a struggle for many women. Yes, oh my god, the majority of women, I mean, only 30% have orgasms during intercourse. So I feel like you've got to take, you know, it'd be really nice if you could take the pressure off yourself and know that you're like the majority of women that they need extra-clearal stimulation.

It's just the way it is. Like it just doesn't work for some women to not have hands and lube or toys and lube. And you know, do you use lube? Actually, lube is really important. I do, okay. I do, but I'd love if you had like a good suggestion. Like the ones we have now,

it's from like the drug store, it's like a Trojan one. Yeah, I need to actually invest in something that I think would probably be better. I think you should get some of the joe. We have this all on our website, the joe loop. They make a water-based loop. It's really great. They make a hybrid.

The water-based is best to use with toys. They have the joe jelly, water-loom is great. So I would just try something. I would order one of those. I think it's a lot, I think you'd like it a lot more. It's not as sticky as the ones that maybe you would get at the drug store. And I feel like when I go back to my first point about the novelty and the newness, you guys have been together a long time.

So bring new things in together, like go to a local toy store and go shopping together or try some things that you see important. I don't know if you need to like bondage or if you're into 50 shades and you want to be tied up or you want to take control more. I know that's not, but that still kind of works. That's the newness, the novelty in the spontaneity. And now that you guys are in this dynamic where you don't want it and now you're telling yourself, you said to me three times, I have a little libido, a little libido.

And I'm just going to say, I don't really think that's true. I think that you actually don't and we can work on it like all those things like yeah of masturbating and thinking about it and sexting each other and like like talking like when I see you tonight, you know I'm so excited because I got this new toy and then you guys throw it back and forth and you know You take a shower and you're getting ready and you wear something that makes you feel sexy You know, these are all things that might sound cliche, but they totally work. Turning off your phone, setting the atmosphere, looking forward to sex. You know, like it's, again, I think that's really going to help you.

So I don't believe that you are, you're just in a long-term relationship. It's not that yet. You have a low libido, I don't think. Yeah. Great. That's definitely good to hear because I know sometimes women do, and since I am like I'm only 24, I'm got nervous. I'm like, you know, if it's like this now, then how could it be when I'm 40?

Right, right. I want to keep it as steamy and like try to do as much as I can now. I was like, this is when you're young and you want to have both that like crazy virus act. Yeah, and I was like you, I got to tell you, when I was 24, I was the same way. Like I really, I was in long-term relationships. I'm like, I'm bored. I'm moving on. I didn't even know about any of these things.

So that's kind of why I voted my life to it. I was like, I don't want that to happen to anyone else. So I mean, I didn't know any of this. I was like, oh, I'm bored, he's bad, I'm gonna go find someone else and then it was amazing for another year and then I would break up with him and get another relationship.

So it is true that wherever you go, there you are and for yes, some women, they're like, I was never one of those women who was like, I'm horny all the time and I'm still, to be honest, I'm not walking around like that. I'm not like, oh, I always want sex. It's like, I know for my makeup, like I, even though I'm surrounded by sex and thousands of sex toys, I have to think about it and make it a priority, which I have, you know, it's become part of my life. So in when I'm having sex, when I'm with partners, it's just the way I'm made up. So that might be you too. And there's nothing wrong with

that. Just work with what you have and how your body is and how you enjoy sex. So I think that, yeah, I'm not going to allow you to say that about yourself anymore because I don't think it's true. I just think we haven't figured out how Natalie gets turned on and aroused. And that's your own assignment. Great.

Well, thank you so much. I'm definitely going to have to go back and see how I can really implement it. And you'll get going with all those things. But that was so much. I'm definitely going to have to go back and see how I can really implement it. Yeah. You'll get going with all those things. Yeah. That was so helpful and I really appreciate it. Oh, my God. Of course. And you can even let them know. Like, you know, I mean, you guys could try mutual masturbation when you get your new toy. Say, guess what? I have this new

toy coming tomorrow night. Let's try it out together today when it's coming. Like, you know what I mean? That's new. That's exciting. He's going to get excited that you're excited. You know what I mean? It's like the novelty. So try that out now. Yeah. Are there any some toys that you're excited. You know what I mean? It's like the novelty. So try that out now. Yeah, are there any sort of toys that you'd suggest that are good, like that would be for both partners? I know there are some toys that like, I know if it's like cockroaches or things that like are good, like men and women together.

Absolutely, there's two. And again, we vibes just because I'm obsessed with we vibes is the sink. So the sink is their couples toy. That was like the first couples toy and you actually wear it during intercourse. So that's one that hits your G-spot and your clitoris and he can also put his penis inside you. These are all on our site if you go to the shop with Emily or come and leave it better. And then also I love the pivot. That's their new penis ring.

And he wears that and then it's a really good vibrator. The reason why I love the pivot is because I actually use it on my own as a clitoral vibrator because you can put your fingers inside of it and hold it like a clitorial rib or you can use it during sex and on the low setting, I hope I don't think it would be too strong for you. Those are the two couple toys and then again if it doesn't work during sex, like if you're like the pivot, it starts to work or you want to finish yourself, you can also use it as a clitorialib. So I would check out the sink and the pivot. Great. And have fun. Do it with them. Thank you so much, Emily.

Welcome Natalie. Have a great night. Thank you. Bye. Thank you too. Bye. I think it's interesting. This call it really got me thinking about how we label ourselves. I don't want sex or I'm not into them. Or I'll never like porn. And I think that when you hear yourself saying, making these blanket statements, they're not always true.

So say, well, what if that wasn't true? What if there's something else I can do? So that's why I'm really glad that she called. And you know, we all get turned on very, very differently. And again, like your life work, so important to figure out your body, what makes you feel good. And it changes over time.

It changes in relationships. It changes certain times of month. It changes with different partners. Keep your eye on the prize. Don't ever say I'm gonna do with that later as sex and put in the back burner. It always has to be something that you keep front and center with masturbation and also talking to your partner about it. So I think Natalie is gonna have a good time tonight.

Okay, we've gotten Mick. He's 26 from Florida and he expressed a fantasy to his partner. She had a negative reaction and now it's given a little bit of a sex hangup. Hi Mick. Thanks for calling to the party. Thank you for having me all. Of course. We watch your show all the time. Oh, listen, oh, that's so fun. I think it's so great. It's such a great two of our couples because then they're like, oh, Ellen Lee says or inspires you. I hope. So tell me what's going on with you. Tell me what happened. Where I worked this out. There's kind of a long story behind it. I wrote down some cliff notes, but I'm not sure

we'll have time to get through it. Basically, we come from a cultural background, like a religious and cultural background that sort of encourages sort of a submissive wives being submissive to their husbands and even husbands having multiple wives. And even though we weren't raped that way, our community around us was. Right. But we made a bargain when we first got together that she would go along with the sort of submissive role in a relationship if we could stay totally monogamous

and I respected her in public and stuff, which we didn't see a lot around us. And I found out that she was really into this submissive role as well as we moved on in the relationship. And things went well for four years. But we've been together a while. We used to have sex every day, you know, anytime I asked. And basically what happened was I lost my job.

And with it, I lost a lot of confidence. And it got to the point that the only way that I could get in the mood to have sex was if I sort of fantasized about her cheating on me with a more successful man. And when I brought that up to her, she was horrified. She gave me two reasons why. She would never do it. She said that she was just uncomfortable with being with someone else in general, but also she thought it was a really unhealthy thing. She knew I was depressed, and she thought it was unhealthy for me as well, and she didn't want to feed that depression. I got over that. I got a better job.

My depression went away. It went to therapy and stuff like that. And even though everything helps in our relationship has improved, I can't get into the mood with her, get into that initiation stage without seeing that look on her face, that rejection, that horrified look on her face. I can't get there. I can't. It's been several months.

Okay. Well, that's, you know, I'm first of all, it makes you sound really healthy. I can't get there. I can't. It's been several months. Okay. Well, that's, you know, I'm, first of all, it makes you sound really healthy. Like, you sound like you guys have kind of negotiated a relationship that works for you. And that, when you say that you're dominant, do you mean like everywhere or just in the bedroom, mostly? Everywhere, definitely. Okay. And she's cool.

It sounds like that's working for you. A lot of times, a lot of that has changed with this occurrence. Okay. When I lost my job, I moved and added to your change, then it just, if... A lot of times a lot of that has changed with this occurrence. When I lost my job, I moved and that it changed and it just, I get it honey, that's really hard. It's as if you were men, when you were feeling some kind of like financial insecurity or job insecurity can totally wreak havoc on your sex life. So I'm also wondering, are you, are you on any meds right now for the depression?

Did you start taking it? No, no. Okay, you're on meds. Okay, so. I started taking some at the advice of a doctor during that time, but then I've been trying. Great, okay, I just wanted to check on that because I know that can have an impact. But so I feel like this kind of can be solved because you know exactly what it is. You know when it started and you feel like that horror is,

you just, that's all that you see. And I feel like that's something that you have to be honest that you see. And I feel like the something that you have to be honest with her about. Like, I don't know how well, like it seems like there's still some sort of shame and it sounds like there was a lot of that going up maybe with your religion or, you know what I mean? Like shame around sex or trauma,

you guys kind of move past that, but it doesn't even matter what the origins of it are, but the having your wife look at you with a horrified look and shame is not really gonna do a lot for your sex type. And it's kind of got linked into sex in your brain so you're like making this link that's really hard for you to get out of the loop. And so I think that you have to maybe talk to her about it.

Have you brought it up again? We've talked about it fairly regularly but a lot of times you can see she's very interested in getting intimate again and a lot of times you can see almost accusatory. And so I'm having trouble getting past that. Like, you know, she, where she starts to feel, this is what she's expressed in me, she starts to feel like I'm not attracted to her anymore. And I'm worried that she's not attracted to me anymore. I see that look on her face. Right. Not behaving like hell.

It's almost like trauma. Do you know what I mean? You're having this traumatic response that you're like, you keep seeing it, you keep seeing it. And so, and have you guys talked about it? I mean, it sounds like you have. Like she says, I feel like you're not attracted to me and you feel like she's not attracted to you.

So you guys have kind of, yeah. We talked about it at Ling. It's because it's in the moment, even if we've come to some sort of an agreement and we're on the same page intellectually when it comes to the moment. It's because a lot of times our sexist ends on me initiating. We've had it separate a couple times since then, but it was her initiating. She's not happy to do. She wants to.

I understand. That's not the paradigm that you set up. No, I understand. You just can't do it right now. So I think that what happens if you if you just try it and you keep going like even if it's uncomfortable because I feel like you just have to rewire this. I feel like if you start doing it again and even if you don't feel like it and you just kind of get yourself to initiate that maybe you could kind of clear this from your mind, but I also think that there might be something about that look that you're disappointing her and that you're

not showing up as a man. And you've kind of like using this like against you to kind of take kind of take your sex life down and yourself sabotaging. And so I'm wondering if there's anything that you need to hear from her or the words that you need her to say to you that would make you feel better right now or in the moment you guys could kind of truly like in real time work on this together like let her know like I want to initiate I never want to let you down so I keep seeing that look on your face and she could say baby I get it it was a fantasy it's not happening you know I don't know what you need to hear

from her but it sounds like in real time if you can can work it through, that you'd have more success. Because this is just a minor blip in your sex life. You're going to get past this. But this is mostly mental stuff. Your mind's playing a trick on you. And I want you to really... I mean, you said, you said, you think maybe I should just push through. I think, do you think it would be a bad idea to just kind of force it? Like, I don't want to rush into it, but because of that, we've sort of been easing into it every time.

And it just seems to build that tension every time. So it's like, you know, okay, we're going to have a date day, like on a Saturday, we're going to spend all day leading up to it. But then by the time it gets there, I just feel like there's always pressure. Right, right. Well, maybe you could, I mean, I hate saying to people like, fake it, tell you make it, you know what I mean?

But because I get it, you don't want to force it. No, I understand, I understand. So maybe that's kind of like too much around like, yeah, all day long, and then you're just thinking, like, oh my God, we're gonna have sex. I'm not gonna be able to do it. What is the tension? I'm trying to understand the tension.

It's because she's initiating it. Because I feel like there's still some unsaid stuff here between you two because maybe she still is holding on to stuff but she's not able to tell you. And maybe she's fearful that she's never going to be enough for you because this is really your fantasy that you want to happen. So I think she's expressed some thoughts about worrying about that but it's honestly outside of that three to four weeks that I had this issue, getting a little longer than that. I've never fan of that

before or after. Like a deep thing to fresh and saying. What if you guys like the least weird questions? I'm worried about it and I'm worried about her opinion of me. Right, but you know she loves you and you know that she's with you. So it's like you guys are kind of at the standstill right now. Have you guys ever had like therapy, marital counseling? Because you could probably, it sounds like you've been going to see she won't do it. She's reluctant to do it because that's a cultural side. Right. No, I get it. I mean, because it's a marriage. Right. God, but everybody needs it. You guys, you you know, I they really, really do. So I feel like.

She comes to therapy for herself and I've gone to therapy for myself. But she. Every relationship needs it. I'm sorry. I'm really negative about. I know. But I think it's going to help you guys get past this. Maybe there's like a sex therapist or a counselor where you guys live. So we see you guys are both like I feel like there's a deeper level of the discussion you need to have where you're reassuring each other. And I also would say you could take sex off the table for a little bit. And like what if you didn't initiate the same way that you were initiating before? So it sounds like you were aggressive and rough. But how about if you just started like

giving her a massage or making out again? And it wasn't like this forceful, you know, because sex changes over time what you're into. So what if you kind of like have a new script in your mind that something else that you guys could do to get like another, another way to initiate. If it's softer, you might go, yeah, so why don't you replace it with like kissing her, massaging her or you're in control, she lies down and you give her a massage and you warm her up and you like her body and then you'll be in the mood for sex or you know, so that's one way to do it. To kind of create a new story around it like a new way to have sex.

And so I think that's just what you and then the more you do that the easier it will become because it sounds like you both really love each other and you want to please each other. It's just your mind's are getting in the way. So maybe don't even keep, don't try it the same way. Can you do that? Yeah, I think so. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. No, I think those it the same way. Can you do that? Yeah, I think so. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome.

No, I think those are two to do. So try something else, a new story. And that actually we're really exciting for her too, because sex after awhile is going to get a little stale boring and you've got to try something new. So this is just what the doctor ordered. I ordered a little variety. Try something new together.

Okay. All right. I'll do that. Yeah, okay, you're welcome. Bye, Mick. Have a great night. Thank you. Good luck. Bye. Love you, show bye. Bye, thank you. Bye, Mick. Oh, our minds. They serve us so well. And then they just kind of just want to sabotage it, especially when it comes to the bedroom. If you think about it, we're just, you know, when we get caught in our heads, it's hard to enjoy sex. So we link up these memories and we can have great sex. So it sounds like if Mick changes a script, which actually serves us all well, if you're having sex the same way

over and over again, I would not think I was going to say to him, it's also the six tick sex off the table, which can be very helpful for couples to kind of say, you know what? We're having challenges right now. Let's focus on connecting again intimacy for play making out. These are all ways, like, just because you've always had sex in one way, it's always great to try different ways to make your sex life more satisfying for both of you. So I think I got that. This is from A, she's 23 in Colorado.

Hi Emily, I experience pelvic pain and I want to communicate this to guys I'm sleeping with as I still want to have sex, but I want to be open. I'm actually working with a physical therapist and I even use a dilator every evening, but the pain is still there. I haven't shared my condition because it's usually just a hook-up and I don't want to be seen as a burden or annoying. I know that they wouldn't want to purposely cause me any pain, but I would feel very uncomfortable bringing it up, especially when it's only one time thing. Do you think this is something that I should be telling them? And so how would you suggest I go about having that conversation?

Again, this is from A23 in Colorado. So sweetie, I think you have to express to your partner, and even it's for a night or a year that you have a pain, that you're experiencing pain during sex, no matter what stage of the relationship you're in, you want to be with someone who gets it and doesn't feel like pain, they're experiencing a partner that they're being intimate

and actually having sex with is a burden at all or annoying. But I'm also wondering if you're experiencing this much pain, should you be having sex right now? I know that you're seeing a physical therapist, which is awesome. Do you have mechanisms for dealing with the pain? You get past the pain and it eventually feels way better than the pain, so you feel past the pain and it eventually feels way better than the pain.

So you feel like that it's actually a benefit to have sex and doesn't take a way to pleat you at all. Yeah, I feel like this is something you definitely have to share. Now if you found ways that you can get around it, like if you feel like, well, I need a lot more loob or I need more for play to get a rouse, like most of us do who we aren't even experiencing pain,

that's something you should tell your partner as well. But I'm not sure, like if someone's into me, like yeah, we can go and have sex, let's do it. I'm gonna be in pain, but's something you should tell your partner as well. But I'm not sure if someone's into me, like, yeah, we can go and have sex, let's do it. I'm gonna be in pain, but let's, okay, it's way no I'm in pain, but let's do it. I think that would be challenging. So if you have found a way to manage the pain, you can say, you know what?

When we first start, I have some pain, here's what's going on. I'm working on it, but I feel like, you need to understand your own body and what feels right to you and how you want to express that to your partner, but I'm just concerned that you're having sex and kind of smiling to the pain, which I don't think is ever a good idea for anybody. And just remember, you guys, at some point in the

lives, 80% of women experience pain during sex and a lot of women just assume that's part of it. They're like, yeah, it's painful, but you know, I want to please my partner. Well, I don't think that's any way to be thinking about your sex life or your body. So if you are experiencing pain during sex, definitely talk to your doctor and get to the bottom of it. Thanks for the question, A. Okay, this is from Marquis 35 in South Carolina. Hi, Emily. I've been buried for almost 10 years. My wife and I recently introduced sex toys into the bedroom. It's been a fun adventure until last Friday.

Something happened and it's been bothering me. I gave her oral and she climaxed as usual. Next we switched to Doggy Style and she began to use a vibrator on her clitoris. I soon climaxed and she kept rubbing herself. This continued until she orgasmed while I was no longer touching or inside of her. The orgasm she gave herself appeared grander than the ones that I gave her earlier that night. Please help. I'm feeling inadequate. We've discussed this but I feel like it's pointless for me to even be there if she's capable of reaching a better orgasm with the toy. Mark, okay, Mark, here's the deal. I'm going to challenge you on your interpretation of events here, Mark. You say that it's a grander orgasm and I'm wondering

how you know that. Now, maybe it was louder, or maybe she shook in a way that you haven't seen her shake before, or maybe, I don't know what grander means to you, but only we truly know what it feels like to have an orgasm. You know, try to explain it sometimes, but only we know what's better, what's worse, what's grander, what's not. So I feel like since the toys knew that you might have already

first of all gone into this with a preconceived notion that someday you are going to be replaced by toys. So I feel like you might have already first of all gone into this with a preconceived notion that someday you are going to be replaced by toys. So I feel like you already have something in your head about this because if I'm looking this as an outsider, I'm like, awesome. You went down on your wife of 10 years. She had an orgasm and then wow, you came and then she had another one amazing. And I feel like if you can adopt this point of view and be like, it doesn't matter where it came from.

She had an orgasm and that's great. I'm so glad that she was pleased. So the thing about using sex toys, they're never going to replace you or do anything. They just add a little something different and a little bit variety. So you could also take control of the toy. You could hold the toy for her. She could show you what she likes, but I really don't feel like this is something that like, oh, well, forget it.

We shouldn't use toys because there's different kind of orgasms, but as far as I'm concerned, like, they're all equal. And this is your wife. And I think it's, if you can get your head out of the, it's going to replace me thing that you guys can continue to have really awesome sex together using toys together. Like, try Wee vibe toy, like the sink that you could wear during intercourse or penis ring. Maybe that would make you feel a little bit better if this is all new to you, but I'm telling you, I feel like your orgasm is just as grand as any other orgasm.

Thank you everyone for listening and thank you for subscribing to the show and reviewing us and iTunes or wherever you listen to the show. That totally helps us. We read the reviews. It helps the show and just take a few seconds to do that because I know you're already there listening. That would be so awesome. I appreciate it. And if you want to find all of our shows, you can go to sexwithme.com slash podcasts. And also tell your friends about the show. I love it. I love reading on your post on Instagram and Twitter when you guys are referring friends. That feels awesome. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our volunteers, Shannon and Jenny, producer, Lark, and Michael. And let me know, was it good for you? Text Ask Emilyily2797979.