Sex With Emily - AITA for Wanting Sex More than My Partner?

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

From cheating to sexless marriages, we’re back with another juicy Am I the Asshole? episode. Today, Producer Erica and I let you know if you’re being an asshole in your sex life and relationships, answering questions like: AITA for wanting to leave my partner after he cheated, when I cheated first? Or AITA for not wanting my fiancé to talk about sex with my best friend? Tune in to find out and let me know what you think in my socials!In this episode, you’ll learn:Why you should practice new positions after a sex sessionHow to navigate mismatched libidosThe importance of establishing new goals for a relationship after infidelitySee the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:2023 Holiday Gift Guide: My Top Picks for the Hottest Holidays Ever2023 Shop With Emily Gift GuideHow to Give a Sex Gift: 6 Tips to Consider6 Ways to Upgrade Your 69VIIA Hemp Co’s High Love Libido Gummies (code EMILY for 15% sitewide + Free Gummies Sample)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If we don't want sex, and we're in a relationship with somebody and sex is always part of our equation, then we opt out of sex like no, I don't want to have it anymore. We owe that to our partner, and to ourselves to really go a little bit deeper and understand what would possibly make me in the mood for sex. What have I liked about sex in the past? Like do a little bit of work as you know it's important to your partner. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex

from cheating to sexless marriages. We're back with another juicy Am I the Assel episode? Today, producer Eric and I let you know of your being an asshole in your sex life and relationships. Answering questions like, Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my partner after you cheated when I cheated first? Or am I the asshole for not wanting my fiance to talk about sex with my best friend? Tune in to find out and let me know what you think in my socials.

If you have a scenario where you're wondering, am I the asshole? Submit your, am I the asshole questions to sexwithelary.com slashT.A. We've been loving these so much you guys, keep them coming. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show. Do it right now, look at your phone, whatever app you're listening on. Please just rate us right now, give us five stars. If you are so inclined, we really appreciate it. And you know, the more you review, the more reach the show has. It's the algorithms of the podcast platform.

So we want to keep bringing you shows. So just review us. Thank you. My new articles, how to give a sex gift and six ways to upgrade your 69 are up on sexwithemily.com. Obviously, you need to check both of those out right now. Plus, if you haven't seen them yet, I have two holiday gift guides out right now.

So one is on my sex withemily website. It has all my favorites, 50 in total, from sex toys to bath robes to candles. These are all stuff that I love, I've tried, I've tested, I spend a lot of time on this list, I feel really confident that you're going to find something on there for everyone. The other is on my shop with Emily site, and it has all my favorite sex toy recommendations. If you just want to cut to the chase and buy sex toys, do that. It's shopsectorothemely.com, and I will link both in the show notes.

Artiboyne, enjoy this episode. It is finally here. The 2023 Sex with Emily gift guide is online right now at sexwithemely.com. Listen, I love curating sexy gift ideas for your holidays. It's one of my favorite things. I think we should all give the gift of pleasure. So this year, my focus is on multi-sensory gifts

that give them or you that special something. So we've got sex oils, kinky gift sets, the perfect sex toys to upgrade masterbation or to play with a partner. I've also got trendy gifts to help anyone live a more sensual lifestyle. I've got robes that make you feel like you're at the spa. My favorite candles that double is body oil and just so much more on this list. It's speaking of sensuality, pleasure is free but gifts are it, so I'm keeping everyone's

budget in mind on this guide. From wallet-friendly gifts to splurge-worthy fines, you will find something for everyone here and probably be tempted to snatch a few things for yourself. You deserve it. So check out the 2023 Sex with Emily gift guide right now to have hotter holidays and better sex. And I'm also including a ton of holiday deals on this list, so check it out now and take advantage of those.

And while you're there, just swing by shop with Emily for all your favorite sex toys and sex dress. It's all available for you now at sexwithanley.com. This is from Anonymous and she's 28 years old. Am I the asshole for wanting my partner to be smoother and vet? Hello, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend I've been together for almost two years now and he's an amazing partner and lover. However, our sex life is not always consistent. Our sex life has been improving over time. We communicate our sexual needs to each other in ways we can improve, but it seems whenever we try new positions or techniques, things get awkward because

he is constantly adjusting his position, or he'll get a leg cramp, or he'll see I'm not enjoying it as much as he would like me to. We seem to have missionary down really well, but I get bored of doing the same old position. Trying new things always seems to lead to awkward movements, and me getting turned off for him losing his erection, I could use your help on figuring out how to prevent sex almost always being really awkward when we do a position other than missionary. I wish our sex can feel more flowy and natural without them feeling needs to think so hard

about every movement, leading constant adjusting and inconsistent strokes and movements, and my theosal for wearing my partner to be smoother and better. Thank you. Wow, that's a great question. It's very specific. I'm imagining being like, they're in the moment, they're making it and he's like, oh, and then he's like getting up and moving things and moving the blankets and like that, that could be jarring.

It sounds jarring. The way anonymous is explaining it here. I understand that she would get bored of doing the same position over and over again. Most people do. Sex does get wrote after a while. However, I do think that she could also join him and then she's kind of letting him take the lead of doing all the moving and the changing and the shifting

and it's not working for her. So anonymous, how about you give it a try? You're allowed to get on top, twist things around, pull out a toy, have sex in the living room and set up the bedroom. You can try these things out as well. And what I do love about him is that he's like really trying and he's taking it very seriously, but it sounds like he gets out of his body. He's less embodied, pillar one of sexual intelligence. He's thinking too much. I think this calls for conversation outside the bedroom.

For sure, my timing tone and turf conversation, which is a free downloadable guide at our site, you can check out, but listen, talk to him next time you are dinner, date night, and just say, I so appreciate that you are always trying new things in the bedroom. Different positions and different things, like I love mixing it up.

Maybe those are way we could talk about what feels good and what we like and do it together. I have some ideas, maybe I'll show them to you next time with the bedroom, but let's figure this out together. And, or you could also say, so what is working for you? What's not? You could have those sexual state-of-the-union conversations that I welcome everyone to have, and if you're making your goals for 2024 right now, please add a sexual state-of-the-union conversation maybe once a quarter to your relationship and talk about, like, what's working, what's not working, this would be a perfect time

to do that. I think you could also, in the moment, when he's trying something, you could just be a willing participant. You could make it sexy too anonymous. You could just kind of start making out with him, maybe start caressing him, move in the way that you want to move around. So you could also help. But I'm just getting the sense that you're just kind of

lying there, I'm just kidding. Because she says things get awkward because he's constantly adjusting his position and will get a leg cramp and he'll see, I'm not enjoying it as much as he would like me to. It should be more of a collaboration, third pillar of sexual intelligence, of like, does this feel good to both of you?

Each sex position, whenever you're trying a new one, should be like, how does this feel? A position that felt good with one partner might feel really uncomfortable for another. So it's always good to check in, even if you're with the same partner for two years. And you also say our sex life is improving over time, we communicate our sexual needs to each other.

So if you're doing that, this seems like this would be a great conversation to add along and you can even acknowledge that I notice sometimes when you're trying these positions that I think is so great that you're taking initiative, you seem to be adjusting a lot and moving around a lot. And so maybe we could even just play with it when we're not having sex. Like maybe next time you get in bed together or after you've sex, you'd be like, let's try it right now because what I think happens is when we're trying something new and we're

caught up in the moment and we're aroused, it's hard to really get comfortable. It's hard to be embodied sometimes because you're like, is this right? Does this feel good to you? Feel good to me? But if you could practice and be like, you know what would make this position really comfortable if I took a pillow and put it under my knees or under my head or under my back or on my stomach. And so you could kind of play around with what kind of props and positioning works when you're not in the moment. That is literally a genius idea. Like, you don't wanna get distracted. You wanna be feeling your hottest and most sexual. So if something feels uncomfortable,

you wanna just move right onto the next thing. But afterwards, it's like you're already in bed together. You could do this as part of aftercare and kind of make it more fun and funny and like act out the positions and see, oh yeah, my leg does crimp there. Oh, great. At the time, now there's no pressure.

Because we're having sexy hour. There's so much pressure. We're in a rousal state. Maybe he doesn't want to lose his erection. And she's trying to stay turned on. And then the second we bring in normal conversation and stuff about like logistics. Logistics is an antidote to a rousal.

It's going to cancel out your arousal because you're in your thinking brain. And you know we want to be in our body during sex Think of it like a Play-by-play after sex or even a dress rehearsal for the next time you have sex if you're just sort of role-playing The position you're gonna do next. I actually like with a new partner like it's not recommended to talk about sex in the bedroom But sometimes afterwards. I'll just be like what were your favorites like what were your favorite positions? I think that's a fun thing. do. Yeah, it's so fun.

And then the next time you know. So you an asshole, you're not an asshole. Not an asshole. You could work on your collaboration. And I think we've all been guilty of this of being in relationships where we're blaming someone else and we're not really doing our part. It's a lot easier to point fingers

than it is to kind of look at ourselves. And so I just invite you to do a little bit of both. Alright, thanks Anonymous. This is from Lauren and she's 31 years old. Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my partner over infidelity when I cheated first? Without giving too much backstory on our relationship in general, here's the main situation. I had an online affair with an ex for approximately 2.5 months. There was sexting and photos exchanged, mostly on my end. But no physical contact or real emotional side to it. My husband found out and since we have been trying to work on saving our marriage, we

be going to counseling and needless to say of course I've completely cut ties with this ex, including deleting social media and changing my phone number. Since this came to light, my husband started talking to a girl online and had a 1.5 month online emotional relationship with her. He stopped when we decided we needed to focus on just us if we were to move forward. I've just found out he started talking to her again about a month and a half ago, and they have also met up a few times and have slept together. Am I the asshole for feeling completely done with our relationship now and wanting to move out even though I am the one who initially cheated. Side note. We have two young kids as well, so that makes it all the more complicated.

Thanks for listening. You're awesome. Lauren, wow, heavy. You're awesome. Thanks for taking the time to ask your question. So I know we don't have a lot of backstory, but I am wondering what was happening before you had the emotional therapy acts. But you say it's not emotional, it was just sex thing. How is your sex life been? How well do you guys communicate? Was it already on the brink of some kind of crisis or change? Because something pushed you to having this online affair. Now maybe just being a mom of two small kids, because you're probably very, very busy. Maybe this was a really delightful distraction for a while.

It's kind of common when you are going through something to be like, I'm just gonna text this person and numb myself for a little bit and just have a little bit of serotonin and dopamine that comes from getting the text and feeling connected to someone, but you didn't take it into any physical contact or anything.

I get that. But then your husband is like, okay, well, this has given me the green light though. I can do what you did, which also doesn't seem healthy to me. It's a tit for tat. This never works. I'm gonna do what you did, and then I'm gonna keep doing it,

and then they've had sex. So to me, yeah, that's really traumatizing, and I can see why your trust is broken, absolutely, and you wanna move out. But I don't think this is about a, he said, she said, broken. Absolutely, and you want to move out. But I don't think this is about a he said, she said you cheated first and he cheated, and like guess we could break down what it means to cheat. No, you were just texting, and he actually

has penis inside of someone else. But I do think that you have two small kids and you are already in therapy. It might be worthwhile to let him know how it makes you feel when he's sleeping with someone else. Not very good. Maybe why it's important to him. Maybe what he sees in the future of your relationship, because I do think that you could give it another shot in therapy if you'd be willing to work on it. I wonder what he's saying about why he's doing this, because if he's sleeping with somebody and

flirting with somebody, but then you're in therapy and wants to make it work, that's a lot of mixed messages. And can be really, really hurtful. So again, I don't think it's about who did what, it's about where are you today. You know, so many times in relationships, we get all bogged down in the details that he said she said, this happened, that happened, this happened first, this is a very common way for couples to fight. They're never going to agree on the facts. He has his side, you have your side, and I'm going to tell you right now, you are never

both the same way. You're probably not going to come to a place where he's like, oh, you're right, my cheating was actually worse than you're cheating and I feel about, it's not about details anymore, it's really about your dynamic, resentment that have built up. Do you both have the same vision for the relationship

if it works? What was missing before that led you to the texting with an ex? There's a lot of things going on in this relationship, but I'm wondering, what you know, what kind of information you have, and if you could, when you're talking your husband, bring it up to a higher level and get out of the weeds. Do we actually want the same thing? How do we want to pair it the same? Do we want a relationship the same? Do we want to work on our sex life? Do you want to find another kind of relationship to be in? Do you want to open it up? Do you want to eat polyamorous? Now there's a lot of different options these days

that are more acceptable, especially in 2023. So I don't think there's any assholes here, but I think it's important for both of you to get clear you're always going to be parents together, you're always going to be each other's family, and if you move out right now in a huff because you're angry about the cheating, which I understand This is not easy, but I think there has to be some deep repair work at the very least learning how you're gonna co-parent together So your therapy is going to be a very big step for you both Yeah, I love what you're saying about getting out of the weeds and thinking about what's important today I'm curious if she's making the connection between her husband affair and her online affair Or if he's also making that connection and telling her this is why, and justifying that,

and I guess he also would need to get out of the weeds then, too. Unless there's another reason why he's hanging out with this woman that's not just to get back at her. What I'm hearing is it probably originally started that way. Like, if you did it, you've given me the green light that go ahead to do it, and I don't think it's about who cheated first and who did something right or wrong. It's really about the deeper issues. Like what is it about their relationship

that's driving them to seek outside intimacy and comfort and distraction rather than working on the relationship between the two of them. So if you guys are in the weeds of, you are the cheater first. No, you're the cheater first. Like that, again, that's the conversation that's not gonna get you anywhere. But I love of you are the cheater verse, no, you're the cheater verse like that again

That's the conversation that's not going to get you anywhere But I love that you've a relationship with a therapist who can hopefully help you get out of that argument that no one's going to win and get into what is Actually going on. What do you guys need to do to get into a healthier place? Whether you decide to stay with them or not now listen, it might be done like this might be the straw that burps the camels back Things haven't been great for a while. But I would love you to get out of the, I did it first and he did it. Because again, that's just also a distraction that we use. When we get into the details, that's also a distraction because we want our point to be heard. We want to be right. We want someone to see our side. And the best thing

we can do is learn to be a good listener and have empathy and actually part ourselves in the other person's place and say, huh, you know, I'm actually listening to what you're saying rather than trying to brew a point. Because when you do that and you're like, I see your part, I see my part, then you can have empathy and a deeper understanding. Like maybe there's a way here where she could say, you know what, he probably was feeling really hurt hypothetically. Maybe she's the exact, I haven't been as sexually available to him. We haven't really been talking about it or I've been really judgmental of him.

So maybe I could see why he might have sought comfort or fun elsewhere. I'm not saying it's right. But if you could actually feel that in your body, what it might be like to be in a position and then he could say, she's a mom of small kids, she's no longer able to get out of the house and see her friends and work, she's you know heard really nice things from an ex who made her feel good and said all the right things and that made her ego feel good that made her feel loved and cherished which is something to be all I want. And so maybe I could see why that was a comforting twist, even though again, I'm not getting the ethics of morality,

I'm just saying that's how we would do it. Like we'd have to really say, let me try to hear what the other person saying and feel it, don't need to agree. But then when you do that, then you can rise above the details and get into your heart space and your healing space and your repair space. Bottom line, not an asshole. In fact, you should probably be gentler on yourself.

I would say. Be a lot easier on yourself. Okay, let's get out of the finger pointing here. Send yourself some love and your husband and hopefully you guys will find a peaceful path. Don't go away. We'll be right back, assholes. But first, I want to share another solution for all of you who want to be more smoother and more present in the bedroom. Cannabis. Love cannabis. We love cannabis. We're very cannabis-friendly company over there. We are. We are cannabis-friendly. And I think it's becoming a more cannabis-friendly world, which makes me very happy because if you've seen all the research on this and the science, cannabis can help you feel more president in your body during sex,

you're less in your head, you're less worried how awkward and uncomfortable you are. Here's one of the perks of working with sex family. You get a lot of sex toys. And now that we have via hem company on board, you've been able to try some of their gummies and edibles. You guys, I don't, I don't purchase weed anymore. I don't, I don't have to.

I love it. Or sex toys. I just asked her, I'm like, what did you think? And I'm like, just let's tell everyone what's your experience with their gummies? Oh my gosh. I love it. Or sex toys. I just asked her, like, what do you think? I'm like, just let's tell everyone. What's your experience with their gummies? Oh my gosh. I love them. You guys, they're a good time.

You have to try them, especially these THC libido gummies. They feel so good, so fine. I've taken them not even having sex going out to a concert. It just makes everything that much more fun. It does. Here's what it does. Technically speaking, it does, technically speaking. It does increase your blood flow and it gets you out of your head and into your body.

And it enhances your senses. I love that. My partner loves her sleep gummies. Everything about via home company is just legit. So if you've been wanting to try adibles, I'm sure that you've had someone in your life say you can't sleep, take an edible. You can't get the mood for sex, take an edible. People are like telling me that all the time, like, you know what I do?

Like they almost pull me aside, they're like, I take animals now. And I'm like, okay, of course you do, because this has been known for the beginning of time that cannabis for many, many people helps them when they get into the bedroom and they have anxiety. They're worried. They can't have an orgasm. You pop an edible and you just wait a little bit not long, and you will feel more in your body and more connected to your partner. So that's why I love via-ham companies, high-love-teach, see-glibido gummies,

they're just a game changer. I have them on my nightstand with all the loobs in the toys. So good. And they literally have offered you jack herbs in them. What more could you ask for? I've never seen love before in another, edible, another cannabis brand anywhere. You know what, also cool, Erica,

when you got these, they said you were free sample. Did I take them when I travel? Mm-hmm. So, it's kind of perfect. Spice up your love life with Viahem companies a high love THC libido gubbi's. Visit Viahem.com and use the code Emily to get 15% off your order.

They throw it a free sample. You must be in the United States to order. That's viaiahemp.com and use the code Emily Add Checkout. All right, we'll be right back. It is finally here. The 2023 Sex with Emily gift guide is online right now at sexwithemily.com. Listen, I love curating sexy gift ideas for your holidays. It's one of my favorite things. I think we should all give the gift of pleasure.

So this year, my focus is on multi-sensory gifts that give them or you that special something. So we've got sex oils, kinky gift sets, the perfect sex toys to upgrade masterbation or to play with a partner. I've also got trendy gifts to help anyone live a more sensual lifestyle. I've got robes that make you feel like you're at the spa. My favorite candles that double is body oil and just so much more on this list. It's speaking of sensuality.

Pleasure is free, but gifts are it. So I'm keeping everyone's budget in mind on this guide. From wallet-friendly gifts to splurge-worthy fines, you will find something for everyone here and probably be tempted to snatch a few things for yourself. You deserve it. So check out the 2023 Sex with Emily Gift Guide right now to have hotter holidays and better sex. And I'm also including a ton of holiday deals on this list, so check it out now and take

advantage of those. And while you're there, just swing by shop with Emily for all your favorite sex toys and sex dress, it's all available for you now at sexwithamlee.com. This is from Katie and she's 32. Am I the asshole for not wanting my fiance to talk about sex with my best friend? Hey, Dr. Emily, I don't know what kind of advice I need or if I'm just being paranoid, but please help. I just got engaged a couple months ago and our wedding is in one month. It seems rushed, but we've been dating for a year and a half and I didn't want to move

in together before being married or soon to be married. We've been having some trouble in our relationship that is now affecting our sex life. On top of adjusting to living together, his son is having health issues and there's a lot of stress. But my issue is with how much he talks about sex outside the bedroom. It's almost all the time in social settings. Most of the time it's in light humor and it makes our friends laugh, but we have a mutual friend who actually introduced us and happens to be my best friend,

who's extremely vocal and detailed about her and her husband's sex life. I.e. naked yoga and how her husband is laying underneath and touching her kitty, etc. I don't think she's talking about her cat. She doesn't talk exclusively to my fiance about these things and it's usually in group settings, but it bothers me because they have a really close friendship and he's already a hyper-sexual conversationist. I asked to see his phone and there were messages from her stating how she got laid by her husband, my fiance's best friend, and they ended up in 69 and stuff like that. I confronted both about it and just explained that it makes me uncomfortable with they have been

friends for five years, then she is happily married. Am I wrong for feeling insecure about the context of their conversations? Oh my gosh. This is complex. I'm going to start off by saying here, is you are not the asshole to feel your feelings about your partner texting your best friend about sex, even though she's open about it in public. I think it's valid to have your feelings and it's okay to let them know how you feel which you did, I love that you confronted them.

I do, but I wanna know what happened because this is where we have to set boundaries. And you could say, I love that you guys are friends, but it does make me uncomfortable. And I have a feeling in this case, there's not enough amount of explaining here that I think is going to make her feel better. And I just want to say that that's okay.

I do think that you get to in a relationship, talk to your part about these things. Now listen, he doesn't have to agree with you, might not understand. This might take some time talking about it. But would I suggest as asking him what he gets out of it? What does he enjoy about that conversation and let him know how it makes you feel? If you say it makes me feel less safe, it makes you feel a little threatened, even though I know you both are really good friends,

but I'm just not okay with it because how it makes me feel. Your husband then has a choice. I'm gonna guess that your husband doesn't wanna make you feel bad in any way. And if you could avoid that by not just texting your best friend, I'm recommending that that's a place to go.

However, in these discussions, this is not a dictatorship. This is not a monologue. It's a dialogue. So you can say to him, I want to hear about you. Tell me what it is about these conversations that are important to you. Why is it something that you like to do? What are you getting from it? Let's talk more about it.

Because then maybe you can understand his perspective. Maybe it's a give me lightness in the middle of the day. It's just funny for me. Turns me on to think about other people having sex, but even though it's not even about her or him, it's just that it gives me ideas for us to play together more. I mean, I have no idea.

Never met your husband, but let's see what happens here. Because I always recommend that couples take time really talking, of course, but listening to each other, really listening, because beneath all of these details, you're going to learn something about your husband, and what he might need in the bedroom or what kind of things get him going.

So maybe he says, I just love texting about sex. If that's all, he's like, I love that it's two o'clock, I'm in a board meeting and I got a text from your best friend about 69, that's all. He's like, I love that it's two o'clock. I'm in a board meeting and I got a text from your best friend about 69. That's hot. Well, maybe then a workaround here is saying, okay, well, what if I texted you? What if I texted you about what I'm thinking about later? You can ask you how's that, but would that fulfill your need? Would that fulfill your urge? In all of these scenarios where we're finding disagreements with our partners, a lot of times there are compromises and there are ways to find our way back to each other. I highly recommend more conversations, but you are not wrong for feeling your feelings

about their conversations, even though it feels and sounds very safe. You're all friends, she's doing it together. It's not like she's saying one thing in public and doing something else to her husband. She's pretty transparent and authentic to who she is. It sounds like. But again, I could see that many people in your situation would be feeling a similar way, I believe. I think it's especially triggering maybe if it's literally your best friend

who's also a woman and they're talking about this. But I'm also curious about the fact that she thinks that he talks about sex too much in general outside the bedroom. I'm curious about that because I don't think he's an asshole for talking about sex and I also don't think he's an asshole for talking about sex, and I also don't think she's an asshole for saying it makes her feel uncomfortable. So that's an interesting note to think about.

What is it about him talking about sex so much in public that makes you comfortable? That's really something to investigate. Do you feel that it's just too personal? Do that he's doing it in a way that's just more bragging or showy? Does it feel inappropriate? Do you feel shame around it? Like, let's get into your feelings, Katie, because this will also reveal some truths about maybe you,

maybe some areas that might be great for you to look under the hood and say, well, what is it about sex talk? People talking about sex, specifically my husband that's making me feel this way. Without judgment, to say, oh, well, the feeling I was feeling was threatened and secure. I was embarrassed for him. I was embarrassed for me.

Then when you're having this conversation with your husband, you get to unpack all of this, because it's not just about him, it's about your feelings around sex too. All these things around sex are making you feel a certain way. And I'd love you to go a little bit deeper with this and figure out how you could learn more about yourself and how you are in relationship with your husband. Because I think it could very well be a shame thing, just talking about sex in

general. But I also wonder if by him talking about sex, it's kind of indirectly talking about sex with her, unless they're polyamorous. So maybe he's disclosing things about their sex life or if he's making jokes about sex. Maybe she thinks he's making like a mockery of their sex life. So the context of it is also important. You could say you can tell the jokes you want about other or if he's making jokes about sex, maybe she thinks he's making a mockery of their sex life. So the context of it is also important. You could say, you can tell the jokes you want about other people or whatever, but I feel like it's our sacred union,

it's our sex life, it's a thing that we share, it's our intimacy, and I would appreciate if you could just keep that between us. I think that is totally fair and a totally valid request to make. Now if he's just talking about sex and telling jokes, and that still makes you feel comfortable, that's something to talk about, but yeah, I think absolutely if he's revealing things about sex and telling jokes and I still make you feel comfortable that's something to talk about but yeah I think

absolutely if he's revealing things that makes you square when he gives you shame I think if you just talk to your partner about how it makes you feel that I think that you know he could probably find a lot of other things to talk about. In my relationship I really am very careful when we're out I don't talk about our sex life I really don't and in fact never in any relationship have I unless I get the consent for my partner. I'll say it's okay I tell the story you know I wouldn't say in public but I would say them before like I thought that'd be funnier how did you feel when I brought that up because I know that sex is so

charged for many people so I think before you air anything about your sex life about anybody whether it's your partner or your lover anyone that you've sex with I think it's important to especially you know current day you're still having sex with them it's important to ask and get consent before you share an intimate act that you've shared with someone else. I think actually in our first AMI The Ascle episode, we had a question about someone who said, am I the ascle for talking about my friend's sex life

and revealing something about that? It's kind of the same thing, even if you're telling something about your own sex life, if it involves someone else, it's not up to you and only you to make that decision. Anytime we're revealing anything personal sex, our financial situations, anything really. If it's a personal thing that someone has shared with you, always err on the side of, would this person want me to share their story? How would they feel about me sharing their story?

And the other question is, why am I telling this story? What's the why behind it? Like I also want to know where her husband going back to that. Why is he telling these stories? Is it because it makes him feel a certain way? So is it because he has nothing else to say in that moment. He thinks it's going to get laughs. So again, I think when they both get clear about how sex conversations make them feel, they're already going to have their answers and a lot more information about making better choices going forward.

Things Katie, I appreciate you. This is from Andrew, he's 44. Am I the asshole for wanting sex more often than every two months? Hey Dr. Emily, am I the asshole for wanting to engage with my wife of 12 and a half years together for almost 16 years more than once every six to eight weeks? She will often verbally and non-verbally reject my advances, and whenever I bring up the subject on the right timing, tone, and turf, she makes me feel like it's a me-proble and quite frequently gets angry with me for bringing it up. She is see with the last five years of HRT has done for me and my sex drive, that's hormone replacement therapy, but she more or less has refused to go down that road herself. I always make sure she orgasms whenever we engage.

More recently, I've considered whether I should approach her about opening up our marriage, as I would never cheat, I feel like something should change in this area. No, I don't think you're the also for wanting to have sex more than once every six weeks to two months. Pretty common. Couples are gonna have mismatched sex drives,

different libidos. In order to feel more connected to our partners and have a shared intimacy, we need connection. We need touch, sex. This has to be a conversation, even though she's making you feel like it's your problem and gets angry. So you've been together for almost 16 years

and I'm guessing this kind of came up, probably crept up on you over time. You're also taking hormone replacement therapy. So that's also gonna be a big change in your drive. And if she's not doing that, then that desire to scrub and see just got a lot wider. She's refused to go down the road herself. Hormone replacement therapy is a very individual choice.

I do recommend it for most people because we have learned a lot more about how it can really help people with their sex lives as they get older. You can't force her to do it. And the fact that she's getting angry shows that there's some charge there for her, either resentments that you've done it, the pressure for bringing it up,

because she probably just isn't in the mood. That's what happens. If she's got a loss of hormones, as you get aged as a woman, you have a loss of all your hormones. That's our own estrogen, progesterone. And so this is going to be the result, not for every woman, but for many women.

And so I think that this would be best discussed in therapy, because if you're at the point where you want to open up your marriage and she's still in the not even talking about the fact and that acknowledging the fact that two months isn't enough time and she's not really working on it and not willing to hear about it, I think it would be really healthy to have a therapist to help you have a conversation when you really could get to the bottom of what is going on for her. Does she see that sex is important and is there a way she could understand her rousal and her desire and become more intimate because sex is an important part of

a relationship without sex. We are roommates. It sounds like she's at an anger stage or a resentment stage and I want to save you a lot of time here, Andrew. Trying to bring it up over and over again is just going to get her angry or probably I don't think she's again ever going to say one day, oh you're right, do you know what? Let me call my doctor or yeah, let's start having sex once a week. If you've already gotten to this point and now you're met with rejection every time,

a therapist is gonna help you fast track it. And in fact, couples will go to therapy, see a dramatic shift and change in their relationship. It just fast tracks everything. You're able to have really grounded, healthy conversations in a safe space where you can get to the point where you understand where she's coming from, where you're coming from in a lot faster pace.

Like if you go once a week for a month or two, you will have more answers. You'll have a better understanding of what you guys could do to feel more connected and loving. And then you'll know, you know what? She's not willing to work on the sex life. She's not interested in anymore. She's not interested in a hormone replaced with therapy. And she only wants to have sex, let's say, what's every two months. Well, then you have information, worked it through with the therapist, and then you get to decide there,

let her know what you're thinking. Sex is important to you. It's something that you really require in your life, to feel whole and connected and be in your pleasure, would she be up and opening up the relationship? But I would not lead with that conversation when she's still in the anger stage or the not really talking about it stage. That would take you probably years together to where you wanted to be unless you go to therapy and you fast track it. And I would definitely have those conversations

because it already sounds like her getting angry about it is affecting how he approaches the subject. Because we get this question a lot about mismatch libidos, but I think it's different for it to come as an am I the asshole question? Of like, am I the asshole for wanting more sex? Like, no, you're not the asshole, but there must be a reason why he thinks

he's an asshole for this. Maybe she's making you feel a little shameful about wanting sex. It sounds like it. Yeah. Because she makes me feel like it's a me problem. So then you are taking that on and feeling like an asshole because you are sensitive to her needs and you want to be a good partner. So that's kind of an assholeish thing to do to make you feel bad about sex.

But if we don't want sex, and we're in a relationship with somebody in sex, it's always part of our equation, and then we opt out of sex, like no, I don't wanna have it anymore. We owe that to our partner, and to ourselves to really go a little bit deeper and understand what would possibly make me

in the mood for sex. What have I liked about sex in the past? Like do a little bit of work because you know it's important to your partner. When you're in a healthy relationship, part of that is compromising, understanding, figuring out what you can do to be great partners to each other. Yeah, I think it's important for her to kind of take a look at that. She might also decide after this work and thinking about it, you know what? I'm done. I've had enough sex in my lifetime. I actually don't want to work on it. So this means we should break up.

Or yes, I have sex with someone else. I'm totally okay with it. And honestly, if she gets that place from a genuine place of like knowing herself and feeling okay with it, then maybe this could work for them. But unless she explicitly says that, like I'm not gonna work on it, here's why there's still a little bit more understanding to do here,

a little bit more talking and listening in this relationship. I don't ever wanna say like, you have to have sex. You must have sex one point two times a week. In couples where they're having sex once every two months, I don't hear from the couples where they're both happy with it. They're all fine. They're all having sex once every two months.

Everything's fine. We hear from the people who have this desire to discover and see mismatch libidos. And so this is where your greatest problem is solving, compromising, and really authentic, deep conversations have to come in. You've got to practice that skill set. Thanks Andrew, thanks for your question, and I'm running for you both. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share

this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739.

A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-CAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. It is finally here. The 2023 Sex with Emily gift guide is online right now at sexwithemily.com. Listen, I love curating sexy gift ideas for your holidays. It's one of my favorite things. I think we should all give the gift of pleasure. So this year, my focus is on multi-sensory gifts that give them or you that special something.

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