Sex With Emily - All About Anal

Episode Date: August 6, 2022

Have you ever tried anal play? Anal sex? Because if not, here’s my question to you…what’s holding you back?For most folks, the answer is fear. We’re scared it will hurt, scared that we don’t know what we’re doing, scared we’ll feel ashamed if we just so happen to love it. That’s why I’ve got two of the anal pleasure experts on the show today, to help demystify and destigmatize anal play, and help you open up yet another pathway to pleasure. Dr. Evan Goldstein and Alicia Sinclair talk to me about anal orgasms (not a myth), the importance of anal training, how to prepare hygienically, and how to strengthen the mind-booty connection for a successful, erotic anal experience. Show Notes:Anal Play: A Beginner's Guide OR Prostate Play 101More Evan Goldstein: Website | Instagram | Bespoke Surgical | Future MethodMore B-vibe: Website | Instagram Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What are all the things that people want to know about anal? Should we just start there? Stop the top of the head, it's going to be painful. How do I clean for it? And you have so much great knowledge in this area. Sure. So when I first started practicing, I kind of broke things up into categories. And that's actually what those pillars are what is

founded in terms of how I practice. And it's, how do you prepare for anal sex? How do you actually engage or play? And then what is the after care? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So question, have you tried anal play anal sex? Because if not, here's my question to you.

What's holding you back? For most folks, the answer is fear. We're scared it will hurt, scared that we don't know what we're doing, scared we'll feel ashamed if we just so happen to love it. That's why I've got two anal pleasure experts on the show today to help demystify and destigmatize anal play and help you open up yet another pathway to pleasure. Dr. Evan Goldstein and Alicia Sinclair talked to me about anal orgasms, nope not a myth, the importance of anal training, how to prepare hygienically and how to strengthen the mind booty connection for a successful erotic anal experience. Alright, intentions with Emily, please join me in sending an intention for the episode.

I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could this episode help you? While my intention, especially since it's the anal August, is to empower you to try anal play and anal sex, if it's something you're curious about. With the right education and prep, everyone can experience intense pleasure in this area of your body.

Since everyone has a booty, it's true. Please rate, review, sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My article, ProStatePlay101, is up at sexwithemily.com. And remember to check out my YouTube channel, Social Media and TikTok, it It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, we'll leave me your question or message me at sexwithemlee.com slash ask Emily or just call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show, and it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous.

Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Dr. Evan Goldstein is a nationally renowned anal surgeon specializing in sexual health and wellness care in New York City. Dr. Goldstein has extensive experience educating and shedding light on health care issues for both the LGBTQ plus community and mainstream audiences. He's also the founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical and the co-founder of Future Method. You can find Dr. Goldstein on social media at Dr. Evan Goldstein. Hey Dr. Evan Goldstein, welcome to the show. So tell me by yourself.

Thank you, thank you. I started a practice called Bespoke Surgical about 12 years ago. I saw a huge need in the community, all stemming from everything that you get asked all the time. And there really wasn't someone that was spearheading the movement of saying anal sex is totally appropriate and fine, how do we make sure that you are doing it as safely as possible with the appropriate education? And if something does go wrong, how do we now make sure we have

professionals that are able to take care of it both physically and then obviously mentally, because there's so much that combats both of that. And that was really the impetus of me starting this practice. I just saw a huge gap in the services that was being delivered. And I was like, how do we just do it and create an environment that is destigmatizing, that doesn't create the taboo that's associated with it, make an environment that's warm and comfortable and inviting because people are really talking about difficult topics and topics that are really true and dear to their heart.

And that's really spearheaded this kind of anal move and it's been kind of crazy. It is an anal movement what you're doing because yeah, it is still very taboo though. It's like the other thing that you do. Where do you think all the taboo comes from? People always ask me that. Why do you think it's so taboo? I think that again, it's probably the homophobic component. And the reality is that it feels so good. But what's the problem, especially as a man, I'll never have that honor of being a man and getting it having a prostate. But I feel

like in the years I've been doing this, something I've noticed is it's still taboo and people still wanting to want to eat all more than any other subject, which is why I'm so glad that you're here. But also that straight man have started to come around on their own and just say, hey, I'm curious. I hear what you've been saying, and maybe I should try it out.

Maybe I should put a finger in there, but it's just in the last few years. So I don't know what you can do in there, but we're all ready for it. I mean, I mean, I think that that has actually been such a huge push and help in terms of everything that we're doing at Bespoke Surgical and also at Future Method. And we'll talk about that. I think the key component has been breaking down these stigmas in society. You know, I did a study early on in my career and you know that what I do is a referral

based practice, right? You go to a doctor, you say, my ass is hurt and then they send you to me. But the reality is that most doctors still don't talk about sex and they don't ask them on a general health physical of like, hey, are you sexually active? What type of sex are you engaging? Do you enjoy it? Are you happy? I mean, those are questions that people just never ask anybody. No, they don't and and then I said, well, if if doctors aren't asking the questions, my my business model is flawed, right? Because no one's gonna refer because they're not actually asking the questions, my business model is flawed, right? Because no one's gonna refer, because they're not actually asking the right questions. And so seven years ago, I hired a publicist and a PR team and we said, you know what, let's create a mission.

And the mission is how do we kind of use popular press and push the narrative so that people can get educated and hopefully explore sexually in new ways that they never actually knew was what they wanted and or possible. And you're so right. I mean, the thing is is when you look at where we've been successful,

we've been successful in two areas. Female-centered publications and straight, like bar stool sports, cosmog, vogue, and it's interesting because those are, you know, pushing that narrative into the heterosexual world has actually helped us on the gaze space because now people are talking about it and people are saying, wow, you know, yeah, I could actually enjoy this and I should offer this to my partner or partners. And how do we do it safely? So it's been quite interesting.

That is so interesting. You went in through the straight door to get to the back door. That's exactly what I'm saying. Don't you just love it? He's so awesome. OK, so what are all the things that people want to know about anal? Should we just start there?

Not the top of my head. It's going to be painful. How do I clean for it? And you have so much great knowledge in this area. Sure. So when I first started practicing, I kind of broke things up into categories. And that's actually what those pillars

are what is founded in terms of how I practice. And it's, how do you prepare for anal sex? How do you actually engage or play? And then what is the after care? The misnomer of anal sex is painful. It's really, that shouldn't be the case. Anal sex should not be painful. You should not bleed.

You should not be in excruciating pain. That's just not how it should work. People think that you can go from nothing to something big very quickly and you can't. It always want to go from zero to anal. Totally. There are definitely some people that are able to do it, but the majority cannot. I usually recommend doing a four to six week protocol of using toys. Okay. And it gets people one to know, do they like it?

Or did they find it pleasurable? Two is, it really starts for people to learn the pelvic floor and the anal anatomy. It's not very complicated. There's two things in the ass. It's skin and it's muscle. That's it. And the key is, how do you get the skin to fully relax and How do you get the muscle to relax? Now if you think of skin skin itself is very very thin, especially in the ass And so by using a toy or a butt plug or a dilating kit what you're doing is you're kind of strengthening the skin.

And I tell people, it's like you and I going to the gym. If we're lifting weights, we get calluses on our hand. It's the same concept. The bar is creating a protective callus. If you're using a toy in your ass, a couple of times a week, in a very gradual progression, you're gonna start creating good, healthy skin that is now strong enough to descend so that you can engage, however, and whatever you want. And so the process of dilating over four to six weeks

allows for the skin to get fully comfortable with opening and then allows for you to understand the three different muscles that are there that sequentially need time to learn how to relax. And so I usually tell people it's a six-week process and it's using three toys that come in like a set small medium and large and just like going to the gym I tell people do it right when you're showering by yourself, you'll take the toy, a lot of lube, and you'll just like going to the gym give me two sets of 12. That's all you need to do.

Two sets of 12, what like pulses or 12 minutes? No, in and out. So you're just going to go all the way in. Hold it there until you hit a little resistance and then come back out. And each time that you go in and out, I usually tell people to re-lubricate it so that you're kind of understanding that lube needs to be 360 degrees around. And each time that you're going in and out, you're kind of applying the loop in that area, plus you're learning how to relax those three muscles. It takes time. And with that said, it's really for people to understand the anatomy of, oh, okay, this

is how I actually relax when I'm engaging. And it takes time for the body because the neural mechanism is only really created for shitting. It's like, hey, how do I relax when I'm going to the bathroom? That's it. Now, it's okay. How do I take this to the next level and get to a point where I can fully receive what I want?

So I can see them putting it in and taking it out. But is there a breath work that you explain to them when they're going in out? How do they relax? Well, the small toys really small. It's pretty easy to go in and out. Now with that said though, usually how when someone comes to the office and I'm doing exam, I'm asking them to kind of push out. So I usually say, push out like you're going to take a shift. And what happens is they learn how to relax. And they're like, oh, that's interesting. And I said, yeah, when I'm pushing in the instrument or the toy, if you push out, it now allows for things to fully open.

And you can start to kind of work breaths into that. And there's yoga, there's pelvic floor therapy. There's all these things that you learn. But the key is going until you hit resistance, holding the toy there, breathing, taking it back out, re-lubricating, and doing it again. And not to get frustrated, because a lot of people will be like,

oh God, this is not happening, and they get really tense. It says, okay, say, okay, that session is finished, try it again another time. And you'll start to see that over the next couple of weeks, that you'll be able to start getting the small in without issues. And then you'll always start with the small toy, gradually working to the medium, and then getting up to the large. And through there, you'll start to really see. Now, if you're bleeding, if you're having pain, if things aren't moving the way that you're thinking, then you should see somebody.

Because there's a lot of people that have predisposed issues, whether it's a hemorrhoid, whether it's a fissure, which is a tear, whether it's some extra skin that developed, I see a lot of post pregnancy women that come to me with some hemorrhidol skin tissue that causes them issues with just wiping, let alone or feeling sexy from vaginal sex, let alone on an anal perspective.

If things aren't gliding the way that you think that they should, then you should see somebody to make sure that we're all on the same page before you push it further. Who else would they see now? You're like the most, I feel like there should be nobody else. If there anything goes wrong with my anus, I'm getting on a plane to New York.

That's what I got to say about that. But yeah, because it's women, it's really, yeah, it's everybody with an anus, right? That's right. Which would be all of us. Are there toys that you recommend or you sell in your office or online? Yeah, so on, website, bespoke surgical, there's a lot of different toys that are there and different apparatuses to help.

And then it goes over kind of why I think that they're really great. And also people can get the protocol as well on the website so that people can start doing what they need to to get to where they want. And that's bespokesurgical.com. Let's talk about loop for a minute because someone asked me, like, I got 30 seconds

and they're like, give me your best tips for anal. I'm like, breathe, go slow, use lots of loop, right? That's kind of my thing if I'm like in a hurry. You know, then if we talk about it, but the loop thing, it's like, I'm like, apply, reapply. I think silicone loop is the best for anal, typically water based. No one's got time for that to keep reapplying, reapplying. Unless they're using toys, we have to use water based with toys.

But is that pretty much what you recommend? Yeah, you know, I think that not all loop is created equal. It's true. That's for sure. And a lot of people have reactions to certain looper cans. So you just got to really see now, if I'm playing with toys on my own, I'm using water-based, because it's just so much easier, easier to clean, and a lot of the toys

can't support silicone. So you just gotta be careful. If you use silicone with silicone, it actually eats away at some of the rubber and then the silicone there. So I usually say for toys and you're not engaging in anal, water-based lube is the best. If you're doing pure anal, I agree with you.

I think silicon has the best lubricity that is out there. With that said, I love toys before sex or during sex because it's going to allow you to be pre-lubricated, to be dilated the right way. You know, if you assume that somebody is that a top or someone that is inserting actually knows what they're doing, you're gonna get hurt. So my whole stick is if you are about them or receiving,

you need to be so understanding of all these things so that you minimize your risk. And the way to do that is to, you can be submissive, but you can know, okay, how do I make sure that I dilate before? How do I make sure that I'm using the right lube and what's called a lube shooter, which is basically a syringe that sends the lube off?

I love that. That's, oh, it's a game changer. Once you start using the right tools to get you where you want to go. And the assumption needs to be, and the goal for bespoke surgical was always, how do I empower the bottom? And by empowering the bottom, it's making sure that they're educated, making sure that they're doing everything right, and also assuming that nobody else knows what the fuck they're doing. Yeah. And if they're doing everything right and also assuming that nobody else knows what the fuck they're doing. Yeah, and the third on the top, exactly the top doesn't know because they're a top.

Like they don't know that you need these things. Like how would they know you're right? We have to be our own best anal advocates. That's right. That's right. So many times you want to just assume, like I always just assume my partners knew everything because I didn't know anything. You know, before I had this, as my career.

Right, right. Can't you find out that no one knows anything? They don't know shit. They don't know shit. So the other question I get asked all the time is about douching. And I know you have some strong protocol around this too. And I wonder, like I often say

that the store bought ones aren't so great because there's the vinegar, whatever, what's in them with that. But then, but then I heard you say an interview so I want to talk that water is a great either. So, yeah. Please, so, yeah. So, you know, one of the things that my practice at Bespoke was I started to see people coming to me over and over with the same injury or the same STD.

And then I started to break down into those categories of what, well, what are people actually doing? And a lot of people are using really huge bulbs to do shout and clean out. They're using shower hoses and so we started to look at well what are the differences that are causing problems and there's three things one is the solution that people are using is not correct, whether they're using water or they're using a store bought enema. And what happens is that when you use this,

you're actually getting rid of your protective lining in the ass. It's like douching in the vagina too, because that could happen as well. That's right, same exact concept. And the water and the enema cause so much irritation, internally, that now you are predisposing yourself to HIV, STDs, and injury. So we said, okay, well, why don't we just develop something that is going to be safe?

And that was the impetus of me creating a future method. And future method is all about that, which is like, how do we look at sex and the way that communities engage? And then how do we put products to support it? And so I said, okay, why don't we make this our mission? And the first product that we launched with was an appropriate anal douche solution. And the solution is pH balance,

very similar to the vaginal side, which is how do we clean and give people what they want that sexy feeling and clean, let's come up with appropriate education and an appropriate system because I think people are actually over-douching. They're over-douching and then right, I don't think that everybody needs a douche. If you know your natural cycle, like if you go onto the bathroom that day, you know, I don't think you have to,

every time people get so like, what about poop? And then I always say, well, it happens. So throw a sheet down like it's messy. Yes, I agree. And I think that I'm't think you have to every time people get so, like, what about poop? And then I always say, well, it happens. So throw a sheet down like it's messy. Yes, I agree. And I think that I'm so glad you mentioned that. Because the reality is that I think seven to eight out of 10 people will not have shit anywhere near where you're having sex.

And it's just people to understand anatomy. Where we're having anal is actually clean. It's when you're having the bowel movement, the crap moves into the anal area and then you shit it out. But the rest of that is actually clean. And we talk a lot about instead of anal health gut health, which is, how do you make sure you're eating right? How do we make sure we're doing nighttime fiber supplementation so that you shit first thing in the morning and it's like Appropriate and it completely empties you. How do you use toys? And I tell people all the time like prove it to yourself use a toy without do shing on your own and I bet you Nine times out of ten

No poop whatsoever. Right. And so I think the stigma associated with it, your own internal stigma, and also societies pressures make people want to do so. I said, OK, well, if we are going to do so, then how do you do it the right way? The right solution, also a much smaller bulb. Our bulb is smaller. Why? Well, because you really just need to clean very, very like eight to 12 centimeters internally. You're not talking about a ridiculous amount where you need to clean. That makes so much sense. Totally. So the key is like how do you

educate people, be anatomy? And again, that's to blame for sexual education in our country, right? Specifically, anal and gay sex. I mean, I hope in my lifetime that there'll be courses that are, you know, really sponsored by the appropriate government to win, you know, government to win. But it's just pretty easy to do. That's what I want to.

I want it to for everybody. There's no sex education. And then with gay sex, yeah, I could see that you must have so many people coming in with injuries from years of just not, where would you go? You see porn and they're not showing you the whole thing. They're not showing you their dilators and dirty up, nothing. There's nothing.

So there's more harm. So this is what we're talking about is like the having a healthy microbiome. Totally. There's a couple of things and there's some stuff coming out that you'll see on the future method side of biome stuff. And we know a couple of things, and there's some stuff coming out that you'll see on the future method side of biome stuff. And we know a couple of things. When you overduce, we're using water. You're actually altering the microbiome.

And there's a specific bacteria that we know elevates. And when that elevates, you're susceptible to STDs, HIV, and injury. So the key is, how do we balance all of this? I know what people want. They want a sexy ass that has no shit and is silky and playable. I know that. The issue is how do we now make sure that people are doing it in a way that's not harmful? We do so many harmful things to ourselves and then we just keep going. Assuming it's going to get better, we don't want to ask our doctors because there's so much shame around it. So I love that your site has so much great education. I always say less is more with anal.

You need to think that in everything. It's like how do I just create an environment that is going to be safe for everybody and also minimizes much risk as possible because the acid itself is very thin walls. The pressures of sex are greater than really what a lot of that can sustain without you taking these precautions in the right way. And then also like, look, you are going to get hurt every once in a while, and you are going to bleed and have some pain.

And so the question is, OK, well, if that happens, how do I now take care of myself early on so that I don't have these long-term complications or see somebody that knows about sexual wellness that's specific to my community. That's makes so much sense. So what do you do for aftercare, if you do of tears or just in general?

I think that a lot of it is like a three to five day break of making sure the poop's are soft. So add some stool softeners, ebbs and salt baths are really great. I use these and love these depositories, which have cocoa butter in them. Oh yeah. Soothe the lining.

Also, even like a preparation age, both inside and out. And then after three to five days, you should start to see that like, you know, everything's getting better and improving. If things aren't, then the key is really making sure that you see somebody because there's so many things that we can do early on

that doesn't need surgical treatment. Let's say that we've got people now interested and they're like, okay, I'm gonna take the precautions. Are there any tips you have for beginner anal play? Yeah, so I mean, I think a couple of things. One is being in control, the first couple of sessions is so important. So a lot of it is just being on top, meaning have the person lay down, get them erect,

or whatever toy they're using, it depends on how you're engaging. And you're in control, you're sitting on it, you're trying to manipulate and try to see. Don't let somebody get behind you. If somebody's behind you, they're gonna kind of do their thing and their thing is not really over the best. So the key is kind of, I think bringing in toys to foreplay is amazing.

You know, especially like, you know, fine. If you don't wanna bring it in because you don't feel comfortable, do it literally right before. And again, like when you're do shing, when you're cleaning out, if that's what you're doing, use the toy. It helps with getting rid of any extra liquid solution

that you use. It'll also lubricate everywhere and get you kind of prepared to then do what you want to. I think you need to find somebody that is super fun but also communicative, so that you can have a really, really good like, hey, this is my first or hey, this is what I want to do. And then can we kind of work together in a really good way, where it may not be overtly crazy sexy, but you're learning how to kind of manipulate in the way to then

get yourself into a good space with different positions, et cetera. So you've got to choose like a friend with benefit or a partner that is really, really understanding and trying to see. And also, you know, don't go crazy big, you know, and say, I know we all like big things, but, you know, choose wisely the size as well if you can. Well, right. That can happen too, people.

Well, what you're saying is, Tony, you'll picture Anilis someone coming in from behind, but I love what you're saying about it being on, being on top and lowering yourself down so you're in control. It's a missionary. That's right. That's right. I know. So any of the positions that you're facing, the partner is actually a really good position because you can

see the grimaces, you can see the pain, you can see the pleasure, you can kind of, you're kind of forced to communicate even if it's not verbally. So like, I usually tell people starting in that capacity is a really good way. And then once you kind of get yourself into a really good space, then great thing you could start to explore and be open to that. I also think that like using the toys, I usually tell people there's a dilator kits that

I like, and then like, if you've passed that, then the next is kind of dildos, which I think are really great because they're life like, they'll give you a little bit of understanding of, oh, this is how I can actually relax to achieve what I want. So there is this kind of middle ground before you're kind of jumping on the real thing. Going back to size, is it ever a case where it's just too big? You're like, that's just no. Like this is just a no, no, no. The text you pictures are like, Dr. Goldstein, that right? That is the hardest thing to teach somebody, which is when to say no.

I mean, even to my kids, right? I mean, you know, you're kind of like, in anything like, well, that's probably not a good idea, right? And so with that said, you really need to understand and using the toys and the dildos will allow you to understand

like what you're capable of doing. Now, no matter what, there are definitely people that as they're using toys and dildos, they cause issues. It's painful, they feel burning, there's a little bit of a tear, and it becomes this restriction that doesn't allow them to engage with what they want.

And there's certain things that I can do in the office and in an operating room to help people. A lot of people, their muscle is way too tight. I see people that, you know, we're a lot of Peloton users. We're doing a lot of squats. All these things create such beautiful butts, right? But, they're actually getting so much muscle

to happen annually. And so what you see is that they're not able to fully, fully relax. I see a lot of body builders come to me because they have so much muscle built up annually that now when we say, okay, relax, they can't. And so I do a lot of Botox where I can inject Botox into certain muscles to give people that relaxation.

Also, I give some under the skin line or actually bring people to the operating room to kind of open up both the muscle and the skin to now allow people to do what they want. So, the using the toys and the dildos and kind of preparing allows for people to really see like, oh, well, maybe I do have something that's limiting me. And I do want to engage. Now, the muscle is really great. You can kind of work that in both capacities, tight and loose. But a lot of

times it's the skin that's the limiting factor. And today I had a couple of Skype calls from people where they go to a surgeon and the surgeon basically cuts the muscle because they're like, oh, they're too tight, but the reality is, is that no, they were taking dick and toys before. It's actually the skin. And if you don't correct the skin issues, it's never gonna actually heal. After the break, Alicia and Claire and I answer all of your anal questions.

Alicia and Claire are the sex educator and creator of BVI, a groundbreaking company supporting all things anal play. With over 16 years of experience in the sexual intimacy industry, Alicius made her mission to help people achieve pleasure by providing them with superior and heavily research anal products, approachable education materials, and extensive coaching and support. Check out BVIB's products at bvibe.com. I guess we should just break this down for people and the best way to start exploring anal play

if you've never done it before. If you've never done it, take some time to educate yourself. I would say like one of the things that really drove me really strongly to create what now we call our anal academy is the fact that like my first experiences with anal play were not pleasurable because I didn't have any type of knowledge or understanding of

what makes anal play pleasurable. And I just thought like many heterosexual women that I've spoken to that this was like something you did for your partner. It was like a Christmas or like birthday present and you just like got drunk and like grunt there. And it was not a fun experience. And so I think when you learn that like anal training, right, like slowly graduating through a series of sizes before you experiment with something the size of a penis in your butt, using lots of lube, right, being mentally prepared, and just kind of understanding and like having a dialogue with your partner about like limits, consent, like those type of things can really make your experience. They all sound like annoying rules, but actually they enable like really awesome experiences.

Yeah. It's like demystifying and getting rid of all, you know, there's so many myths around it. There's so many misconceptions, but you write it just yeah Yeah. We just they go. It's going to be anal and I'm going to yeah, it's going to be your holiday present like happy birthday. Right. So the best way to start just start exploring, figure out what you like if you don't with a finger, but it's okay to say to a partner, I'm not ready for that yet. Let's just experiment. Let's explore. Yeah. Yeah. We don't want to like rush through it. So people are saying anal sex. They just think it means penis goes into the butthole.

That's anal. But anal play, what we're talking about is anal play, is that what do you actually want? Like, is it a finger? Do you have you done anything before? Do you want to explore? So yeah, kind of let's talk about that. Where do people start on their journey?

I mean, there's anal massage. There's like, Remi, there's Aswarsha, there's, you know, like, butt plugs, there's beads, there's dildos Reming, there's Aswarsha, there's, you know, like, butt plugs, there's beads, there's still, there's like, there's really a lot in this category. And then if you're starting, I think kind of the cool thing is like what I like is like adding a new type of food into your like, restaurant routine,

it's like, there's so many things to try that you've never tried before. And I don't know, it's exciting because, you know, if you're starting to answer your question to give you the simple answer, like your finger is your best sex toy. It's about the size of what you wanna start with and playing with yourself allows you to be giver

and receiver, right? So you can control depth, you can control frequency, you know, like that. So your finger is your best friend. If that makes you uncomfortable, like maybe your partner's finger or a small butt plug about the size of your finger. What are some of the mistakes that you hear from people

a lot that they're making with anal? I think the number one mistake is probably like people experiencing pain too fast, too quickly and not using enough lube. So it's like, we say slow and slippery. Slow and slippery is key. Yes. Yeah. Slow and slippery. That's it. Everyone just remember am I going slow and is it slippery? Like then you're just going to cut out a lot of the

mistakes that you can make and a lot of the pain because it doesn't have to be painful. It shouldn't be. Oh god, I know. So let's get into some emails because we let everyone know you were coming on the show, Alicia, and we got so many questions. So I just want to get into them because I thought it's anal sex month. Okay, this is from Sophia. She's 38 Canada. Hey, Dr. Emily, my ex always asked for anal and I wasn't into it with him for various reasons, but I'm not fundamentally opposed. And I wonder future partners will ask.

So I want to know what you recommend to start with or explore. Yeah, I like this question because it sounds to me, like she's taking ownership of making it pleasurable for herself before she's willing to say yes. So I like loved the way that's all put together. But I think experimenting with small sex toys and actually what's,

I mean, my personal tip, you will, masturbation, just adding a little something in the butt feels really good when you're regular masturbation routine. So that might be a great way to just introduce anal play into your own solo sex life before you move into part or play. I 100% agree with you. Thank you so if you have your question, this is from Ellie 24 and Illinois. Hey, Dr. Emily, my name is Ellie from Illinois. And I'm 24 years old. My boyfriend of two and a half years keeps

asking me to eat his anus. He has to be about eating his anus, but I've never heard of it. A guy wanting that done. I also don't even know where to begin. If I did do this for him, please help. Okay. Yes. Just want to remind everybody that like the sensations that you feel in your body have nothing to do with like whom you're attracted to. So like he likes the way it feels when his butt is stimulated. That's it. It doesn't have anything more to do with anything other than that. Like literally, it just feels good. And I would say like if that's something you're open to, my kind of trick that I feel like is a great place to start is flavored lube. Find like a

flavor lube or hint that you really like cherry vanilla, like caramel, whatever your flavor is. Use that for a lot of lube and then like lick the lube off and like start there, use it as a four-play, see how you feel about it. That's a great place to start. So just, just yeah, look off the leaves. Yeah, like literally eating an ice cream cone. Yeah, and you can use kind of the same techniques that you would like up and down, right, around in a circle. Right, you know, back of four.

Yeah, just like you're literally eating an ice cream cone around the outside, but it, you know, like, get fun with it. Exactly. Like, make sure some doesn't drip, like get it all the way around. Anyway, go inside. Play with those cheeks, it all the way around. And you're gonna go inside. Play with those cheeks. Smack them around a little bit while you're there. Because it's not just the whole right.

It's the whole, and you can even massage it, like to open up, but it's to release tension. We all carry so much tension in our anus. So you can give a massage. This is the sput's slowing sex down, exploring the whole area. I love that. That's a great anal enginx explanation.

And with the flavored lute. So good, Yisha. Ah, okay. So this is from Becca 37 in Kentucky. Hey, Dr. Emily, can a monogamous couple male female share anal toys? Washed between uses, of course. I figure if we have unprotected sex,

what's the harm in sharing an anal toy? Am I wrong in this line of thinking? No, you're not, especially if you're cleaning them properly. I would say my best recommendation would be to use a non-vibrating anal toy because that's something you can sterilize. So what I mean by that is like something that's glass, metal, or made of silicone that doesn't have a motor inside. You can boil those toys, you can put them in the dishwasher, and that would make them really safe to share. If you still have a little bit of concern, you can always put a condom on a toy,

and that makes it, it protects the toy, creates a barrier, and it makes it super easy to share. So if you're not, we would bond it with somebody. It sounds like this couple has been together a long time, they're monogamous. So this is probably a very safe scenario for them, but even if you're not, we would bonded with somebody. Sounds like this couple has been together a long time, they're monogamous. So this is probably a very safe scenario for them. But even if you're not with somebody, like you're not exclusively with somebody, you can do the condom thing and that therefore protect your sex toys.

To make so much sense, we get so many questions from people who say, how can I share toys or how do I, is it wrong to have toys from one lover to another? It's like, you're not gonna throw out a expensive toy, but put a condom on it, No way. These are my toys. Yeah, put a condom on it. Whatever you need, it's fine. Just clean them. Just make sure that you clean them. Yeah. Important. Okay, so I have a question from

Instagram about how long, and I've gotten this question a few times, how long can someone leave a plug in? It sounds like a challenge. can someone leave a plug in? It sounds like a challenge. I would say the longest I've heard of anybody wearing one. And I'm sure there are people that wear them for longer amounts of time, but it's like around 8 hours. So people often tell us through customer service that they wear them to work.

So that's actually pretty, I mean, at least for us, is something we commonly hear. Our recommendation is two to three hours. Like take it out, re-loom, like, you know, because your body can, you know, absorb lubricant. But yeah, two to three hours is our normal recommendation. Okay. So what do you think that is when people wear them to work?

Like I've worn kegoballs during the day, weight balls, but it wasn't for anything sexual, it was like, because it actually straightens your muscles when you're walking around, but I don't know. I haven't gone that deep, but they don't tell me. What do you think? I, from what I understand from the folks who've written into us is that they feel like it's kind of like a secret. Tevue, yeah.

Yeah, and it's kind of kinky. And then the other dynamic that I've heard regularly is that it's a dom submissive thing, and they've been told to wear it. Yeah. That's kind of hot, too. Or just Or just someone knowing it. Yeah, no, that is really hot actually. It's a domsum thing or just because it is. People don't know. That's why I love the remotes because you could also do this for the partner. Take it to a restaurant. Have the remote. They're wearing the butt plug. No one knows. I've done stuff like that, but I'm thinking about going to work and being focused with the butt plug in. But it depends on your job.

All right, thank you, Alicia. That's awesome. Okay, so this is from... I love it. I want to read your emails. We get to when you emails, I'm sure that you get the best customers emailing you. The best emailing you. Yeah, we get a lot of personal shares. Because they're so happy. They can't believe that these products exist and how good they feel. That's it. Alicia, good on you. Okay, this is from Rick. My wife thinks anal sex is only for gay men.

I said, read about it and see how many women have tried it and many women seem to like it if you take it very slow with lots of lube and these suggestions. Oh, so his wife doesn't want to do it. Yeah. She basically is saying she doesn't believe him. She doesn't think it's that anyone should do it. And like it's not even true that it could feel good to a woman, I suppose. So I have, I guess, really two things to say about that.

Number one is, you know, educate together. That can be, and it sounds like he's trying, right? He said he said some really like key things, right? Slow and slippery. You had it right there. I think maybe like sharing some more information could be an idea or reading together or offering anal play in a dynamic that's not penetration. So, like maybe some anal massage with fingers so that it's like less pressure, you know, like that sounds more sensual than like, like I want to put my penis in your butt, like maybe I could, you know, massage you with my fingers.

And like we can see if you like that sensation. So like start small, I guess, it was kind of the key from that. The other part of it is, at some point, if your partner tells you, you also have to respect that your partner told you now. And you can try as much as you want, but there is going to be a chance that like the person may never like come around to that and you will have to accept that because that is a boundary

for them. I'll really good points. What about anal massage? How would someone start with anal massage? You can use a massage oil, especially if you're just playing with fingers, right? Rub that and then, you know, maybe start on the outside and squeeze and like play around a little bit. And then maybe just move. We have on our blog, which I'm happy to like send, you know, like a whole thing with different

finger massages. Oh, there's different techniques, you know, sort of like around the whole, if you will, a little circle, then like sort of spreading and putting back and maybe just dipping a fingertip here and there while you're like erotically massaging. So, you know, just like using the whole area as inspiration. Okay, this is from Bella. She's 27 in British Columbia.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been dating my boyfriend for two months' ish. I'm absolutely in love with him. I'm having the best sex of my life. He's never had anal sex, but he recently brought it up. I've tried it in the past, but I didn't enjoy it, and I've never done it sober. He's quite large, and it's been uncomfortable,

and painful with smaller penises. However, I want to have this experience with him. How can I prepare and make this good for both of us? Thank you, love you. Oh, what a sweetheart. Um, I love her. I love you, my best class nurse. She's having great sex and she wants to have even better sex.

I love her. I love her too. Okay, so I would say definitely a training set is gonna be key in this scenario. And what we mean by training is like literally think about exercise, you know, so you're gonna like, think about butt plugs as like yoga stretches, you know, you're gonna go further and you're gonna take your time

and you're gonna listen to your body and do it when it's like appropriate for you and it feels good. It's not a race. So, but I would say like plan and like take your time and definitely like, you know, read up a little bit more on a training. That would be a good idea because if you're preparing for penis and you want it to feel good, right, you need to be using sizes appropriate.

So I would probably try and find a toy like before you go to penetration that's maybe like one to two fingers smaller than the girth of the penis. So when I'm talking about fingers, I'm really talking about width versus length. Okay. So like maybe like look at that penis and like find a sex toy that's like slightly smaller to it and like work your way, you know, towards that. And then when you reach that last plug, if you will, then you may be ready for the penis. I love this question because we get so many of these. It was painful before, my wife

and just wants anal sex. So what we're trying to explain in this show, which is why I love Alicia being here, is that it's playful, it's a build up. You don't just jump right into anal. You get to build up to it, and that's fun. It's not like it's a training because you're gonna get to this apex.

No, it's actually all really pleasurable and enjoyable. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithmleaf.com