Sex With Emily - All Bi Myself: Jen Winston on Bisexuality

Episode Date: September 23, 2022

How do you know if you’re bisexual? In honor of Bisexuality Visibility Day, author Jen Winston helps me answer just that. In her book Greedy: Notes From a Bisexual Who Wants Too Much, Jen reveals how she came to terms with her bisexuality, in a world that loves to slap stereotypes on it: greedy, slutty, and constantly confused.Whether you’re a vulva owner in a heterosexual partnership who wants to explore same sex fantasies, or a penis owner who has recently come out as gay but still has thoughts about the opposite sex, Jen helps us all understand why sexuality is about so much more than who you’re sleeping with. Because after all, your sexuality is less about the destination and more about the journey to get there. Show Notes:Tickets to Book Release Event with Jen FreedJen Winston’s book Greedy: Notes From a Bisexual Who Wants Too MuchOpen by Rachel KrantzJen Winston on Twitter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

One of my friends asked me if writing my book, like if the responses I had gotten made me think that everyone was bisexual, but it actually made me think the opposite. It's made me think it's a very unique experience to be bisexual. And if you think you're bisexual, you probably are. Like, you might not be, but that's what I usually tell people. Like, if you're like, am I by, am I not bi? Like that's a bisexual thing to do. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So question for you, how do you know if you're bisexual? Well, in honor of bisexuality visibility day, author Jen Winston helps me answer just that.

In her book, Greedy, notes from bisexual who wants too much, Jen reveals how she came to terms with her bisexuality in a world that loves to slap stereotypes on it. You're greedy, you're slutty, and constantly confused. Whether you're a vulva owner and a heterosexual partnership who wants to explore same sex fantasies or a penis owner who has recently come out as gay, but still has thoughts about the opposite sex, we answer those questions and more in this episode. And Jen helps us all understand why sexuality is about so much more than who you're sleeping with. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. So right now you chose to listen to this show.

What do you want to get out of this episode? How will this episode help you? Well my intention is to help you open up your mind to sexuality and relationship preferences, whether you're gay, straight, bisexual, polyamorous, monotonous, or somewhere in between. Our sexuality is a journey that deserves compassion and patience. I'm very excited you guys because you're all invited. I'm doing a live event in Los Angeles with my good friend, Dr. Jennifer Fried. She's a psychological astrologer.

You've probably heard the episodes I've done with her. And it's at Dynasty typewriter on Friday, October 7th at 6 p.m. We talk about her new book, A Map to Your Soul. We'll be talking about how to really nurture yourself and just live your potential with this really accessible guide in our new book. And we talk about the elements like fire, earth, air, and water. We talk about astrology and Jen is Goops resident psychological astrologer. She's fantastic. I can't wait to see you there. We will put a ticket link in this show note. So I hope to see you all there. If you want

to ask me a question, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithfamily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Just include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show and it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Jen Winston, she heard they them is a writer and bisexual whose work focuses on dating queerness and the millennial condition. They are the author of the critically acclaimed book, Greedy. No, it's from a bisexual who wants too much, which Paper Mag wrote that Jen's debut is at once relatable,

laugh-out-loud, funny, and refreshingly illuminating. Buzzfeed named Greedy a best LGBTQ book of 2021. Jen newly lives in Los Angeles with her partner, dogs, and iPhone. You can follow Jen on Twitter, Instagram, and a last TikTok at generous with a J. Jen Winston, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Yeah.

Yeah. This is great. So great. We have so many people who need your help today. We're going to talk about a big topic that you are the expert in. We're talking about bisexuality. Yes. It's my favorite topic. And it's something that people do not talk about very much and I growing up I needed people to talk about it for me to be able to come out as by and so I'm trying to Talk about as much as I can people really don't I suppose but I always think people don't talk about anything when it comes to sex

But bisexuality is particularly marginalized. Well, I think there's like so many reasons for that I mean they call it bi-arachor. Everyone's probably heard that term. Bi-arachor. Bi-arachor. They heard that everyone's heard that, yeah. Well, and there's also bi-invisibility, which is why this is bi-visibility week.

The reason that those like holidays, you know, all these like visibility days, they feel like just like Instagram holidays or whatever, which they like sort of are. It's so important for bi people to like be out and name ourselves as bi because the label bisexual is like so often erased. One thing that I like to talk about is in the media, there are so many like depictions of fluid sexuality. Those exist, which is great. There's not enough, but there's some. But a lot of times those aren't named as bisexual. And that makes it seem like bisexuality is a behavior

rather than an identity. And in my case, I was desperate to have queer sex. I couldn't make it happen for myself for a while. So I just thought I wasn't queer because I like couldn't close the deal. And it's really interesting how like that action ends up helping you define yourself for worse, I guess, in this case. You're right. There aren't a lot of depictions of it. We have a lot of people who also have questions about this all the time. Like where do I start? How do I come out? How do I know if I'm bisexual? So what are some of the things that you're helping people break down? Like what would you say is like the top question you get asked about bisexuality?

When I said I was writing a book on bisexuality, a lot of people were like, oh, that's cool, but isn't everyone bisexual? Like, what are you going to say? The first time someone said that to me, I was like, that doesn't feel good, and I don't know why. And then I thought about it. And I realized it's because it implies that bisexuality is not a big deal, or it's not something worth talking about. It's not an identity worth like living out loud for

lack of a better cliche. That would be the first thing I would say is like not everyone is bisexual. In fact, one of my friends asked me if writing my book, like if the responses I had gotten made me think that everyone was bisexual, but it's actually made me think the opposite. It's made me think it's a very unique experience to be bisexual. And if you think you're bisexual, you probably are. Like, you might not be, but that's what I usually tell people is like, if you're like, am I by? Am I not by? Like, that's a bisexual thing to do. Why do you think the confusion exists where people think everyone's by, but they're not? Does that come from just that sexuality

that is in a spectrum? Like the whole Kinsey scale and that gets confusing? What do you think that comes from? Yeah, I think it's partially due to that fluidity, but technically, if you're not like a one or a six on the Kinsey scale, you're somewhere in the middle,

you may not be bi, you may be pan or queer. I personally think of the definitions of bisexuality and pansexuality is very similar. My bisexuality includes all genders and I am attracted to all genders. But it's different than pansexuality then. It's really like the same. It's really the same and pansexuality sort of emerged out of like the assumption that bisexuality was not gender-inclusive and in some... Because it's binary, in sexual, but it's... Yeah, but it has the buy.

But a lot of... There are a lot of different buy, like not to get, like fully into queer theory, but there's like a lot of buy scholars who will say that the buy in bisexuality refers to like the straight and gay communities that you find yourself between. Or there are all these other binaries that it like plays off of. But my definition of bisexuality is that it's like somewhere in the liminal space between two options that weren't options I necessarily created myself. You know, they were just things that were given to me. So it's about like finding stability

in that state of flux is what I say. Jen, I feel like we can talk about this all day, but I want to make sure we answer some of these voicemails and I know your knowledge is going to be huge help to our listeners. This is from Bianca in Orlando. Hi, Dr. Emily. My name is Bianca. I am 26 years old. I live in Orlando, Florida. And I am

trying to figure out is I may like women, so I feel a little bicarious. And my partner is completely fine with this. My approach has been to get a few applications that I'm really not familiar with because I've been with my partner for seven years. My overall concern is, how do I start? Do I just make my move with someone? I even considered having my current partner meet her, I guess. My thought is, what do I start? And how do I feel? I'm very attracted to women and I didn't know I would be, which is something that is new to me this year. And just a little backstory, I've been with my partner for seven years. So it is a little bit shocking,

but it is also fun because maybe I will experiment. I feel like my partner needs some assistance with oral. And perhaps that might be why I'm leaning towards being bicurious because perhaps they might be able to pleasure me in a way that he doesn't know how to. And I share my podcast at least you're trying to listen to and does he really listen to everything that I sent him? Probably not because some of them are long, but hey, I do because I enjoy it. And it's your podcast is very educational. And of course, I want to receive pleasure and give pleasure.

So that's where I'm at. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Have a great rest of your evening. All right, that is Bianca. Okay, 26 years old. So this is interesting. So she's been with a partner.

I'm gonna assume that she's with a penis owner because she just says my partner partner. So I'm gonna assume that that's what she's, she, she, she did, she was here. Okay, but where do you start with? I think a lot of people are like, I think I'm bisexual, but I don't know. Do I have to label myself before I have sex to have to sex and then label myself as a label matter? What would you say here? How can we help her? That is a really good question. And I think Bianca's question is like a huge one.

One time I posted like an Instagram story question asking for bisexual women who were in relationships that presented this straight to like tell me about their experience. And I got like so many responses, like more responses than I've ever gotten to something like that. Like so many people are in that situation and don't know how to move forward. So the first thing I would say is like Bianca is not alone at all. Second, I would say like the label in question is a big one. I think a lot of times people don't know if it's worth it to come out, especially if you don't even want to have sex with someone of the same gender or another gender. If you don't want to do that, but you still feel like you're bisexual, like you, there's

still a reason that you might want to come out to just be your full self. And that's what I found was that it was so much more amazing to come out as bi than I thought it would be because I was like, this is not a big deal. It doesn't matter. It's really just like I like to have three sums. Like, that's what I'm telling my coworkers now, I guess.

That's what I thought. But it really just helped me just feel like I could be my true self in so many situations. And there's another thing that happens with bisexuality where people often think that because you're by, you want an open relationship, like if you're a woman in a relationship with a man and you say that you're by,

the assumption might be that you wanna go hook up with someone, but maybe you don't, like maybe you just wanna be yourself. So that's like why the overarching conversation really matters. So if you're a woman in a relationship with a man and you say you're by, you're like, okay, well then I guess I could assume that you're open,

I could just assume that right now you've decided to be with this person, to be with a man, and maybe give up, like you can still be bisexual, but you're not going to act on it because you're not in a relationship. But that's okay, too. Like, you could still, right? So there's this like interesting thing because like anytime you're in a monogamous relationship, you're like theoretically giving something up.

Like it's not exclusive to bisexuality. And there's this thing that happens with bisexuality where it becomes like the scapegoat for all these truths in the world. For example, greedy, being greedy, that's the title of my book, because that's a bisexual stereotype. But it's a stereotype that's like, it's only bad if you think being promiscuous is bad.

So it's like, actually, there's this deeper truth about the way we see sex that is reflected in the way we stigmatize bisexual. Yeah. So too. So greedy is your book. No, it's not a bisexual who wants too much. Why is it greedy? Because you're gonna have it all? Yeah. I mean, it's often said that bisexuals are just greedy. It's like, and a lot of times people, yeah. I know. I know. It's also like, what's wrong with that? Like, I think that's the bigger thing. The reason that I wrote my book is, because a lot of times you see the buy community,

which is not much of a community, which is a whole other thing. There aren't like a lot of buy gatherings for buy people because of like everything we've talked about. Like, it's not, we're not like very connected. Although I like love buy people. You probably are though. I don't feel like the priestess, perhaps,

of the by world. Yes, if you're looking for by friends, you can call me. It's good. Teca, Teca, Jen, she is your by friend out here. There isn't a community, so then where do you start then? Like, where would Bianca? Because she's like, I just came for this realization.

And I think, I mean, when I would say, surround yourself with some like, my new voices, find people on social media that you to follow. But I also had a really with some like, when voices find people on social media that you to follow. But I also had a really hard time like, being able to have my first queer sexual experience cause I was so in my head about it and I was like, I don't deserve to be here.

I had like so much imposter syndrome. How did you get into that experience? Like how do you start? Like that's what I'm saying. Like how did you just follow yourself? I was like so blunt. I like went up to this. I like went up to someone at a club and was like,

I really need to have queer sex. Like are you interested in the person was like, yes. And that was my first time. And the other was just was like a friend. So you just went up to somebody. So you were bold. Like you just were like, I would have sex. Yeah, because I thought that it would help me understand

who I was. And I think maybe that's something Bianca is also dealing with is like, if you can figure this thing out, then it might help you understand other parts of your marriage or your relationship. Yeah, I think the first thing I would say is like talk to your partner. And if you feel like it's safe to come out to them and let them know that this is something you're interested in and but also just part of who you are, that's a really important part of the coming out processes. Just say that it's more than just a sexual desire. It's like who you are. And also maybe it's not.

I think she said she downloaded the apps and she tried with that. So is there an app that you recommend people like to kind of start playing? I mean on all of them, you can add your preferences. I found it was really difficult to have casual sex with women because I got in my own head about how women deserve to be treated. And I was like, I can't give a woman what she needs. So I can't be here.

Well, I have a question though. This is the question that everyone's wants to know right now, I'm sure. But so you had your first queer experience with someone with the woman, Volvo. Okay, so how did you know what to do? Volvo, I mean, don't, because you have one, like you have a giant,

I know I've had, I've dabbled, so I've had my experiences and it was like, trying to think, so how I would answer that, it's like, well, you kind of know your where, you're like, I have this, I've worked this, but it's still, how did you feel in your experience? Oh my God. I was like, so out of my element, there's a chapter in my book about how the way a master

bait is weird, because I like lay on my stomach, which it's not weird. I've learned. No. Common. Yes. But I always was very insecure about it, because I was like, this is not a hot way to master bait. Like, boohoo. But because of that, I only know how to like work a specific type of vulva

or like a specific type of clitoris location. I was just very upfront about not knowing what I was doing. A lot of people like enjoy shepherding you. I think ultimately, and this is something my current partner, when we first started hooking up, I was like, I this is something my current partner, when we first started hooking up, I was like, I don't really know what I'm doing. And they were like, it's the same. All sex is the same.

And I thought that was really, really interesting because it helped me just kind of take all this gender and sexuality stuff out of it that I'd been so freaking out about over for like my whole life and just like live in the moment and communicate and like pleasure each other. And so yeah, I kind of is the same. Like you, you might kiss, you might, it's a rouse, all getting attracted to energy bills. You don't go right to the channels. You should never do that anyway, which I always say build up and then explore, play, what if you pay attention?

Yeah. No, that's actually something that I really love about queer sex that I have learned is that like, and I was just reading this thing about story structure and like plot and how it follows the arc of a, I say I was reading this thing, I was watching a TikTok. That's like what you say now, right? But yeah, so I was watching a TikTok about story structure. And it was like traditional plot

follows the arc of the male orgasm. It builds and then it tapers off. But then there's this push toward feminine story structure that's more like there's a peak here and like another peak here and a bigger peak here. And it's, you kind of have to invent it. And that's what I really love about my sex life now is like it feels like there's not like a script

we follow and then we roll over and go to bed. It's like, and you can have this like with any combination of genitals. I think queer sex is not exclusive to like two people with the same genitalia. Like it's more of a like queering the idea of sex and like how can you really focus on what feels right? The goal is not even orgasms, like stop and start

and pleasure, it's not linear. It's okay if you both get to rouse and then they can make a sandwich, come back to sex. Maybe not, come back later. Like to me that's a hot, it's like it's going to be really hungry and then you go back to it. So very

helpful thanks Jen. Okay, should we get into another call here? Hi Emily, my name is Katerina. I'm from Australia. I'm 32 years old and I would consider myself a pansexual. Now my question is I'm in a primary relationship with a man but I'm also dating a woman. There is an end date for that book, because she will be living soon, but I guess my question is, I have a way deeper connection and intimate and better with the female, so sometimes I feel disconnected in my main relationship with the man and feel like she doesn't understand that. I'm very transparent with both of them. I guess you could say polyamorous. Yeah, so I guess how to navigate that space and communicate with better and I guess for you to show all partners

for city ramping like jealousy. Yeah, it's a complex one but I mean I'm happy and I'm enjoying it. It would be awesome to talk to you more about it. Thank you. So she's a deeper connection now to the woman, to the female, and then feels disconnected from the man. First of all, her partner, I think she probably has learned a lot. How do you bring that into the relationship with the man? Because she probably learned stuff here, but they're open. So Pile Amorous.

And then the other thing is about jealousy. So there's kind of like a two-part question here about how do you navigate jealousy? But then also like, I don't know, I could see that happening where you just kind of, there's like a depth of being seen with somebody, you know, they know whatever, they're just fell into a beautiful sexual experience. And then now she's back with her dude,

like what do I do, what do I do now? Yeah, anything relatable there for you? I mean, I'm gonna try to focus on the parts that are I'm like qualified because I don't know that I Know how to navigate like jealousy in a I think that's important though because a lot of times People will think that by sexuality is like like you know that those two things go hand in hand

But like as we talked about earlier they can be really or like sexual fluidity and being polyamorous are like two very different things. But I would ask Katarina if her male partner knows that's how she identifies. Even if he knows that she's in a relationship with a woman, he might not know like that part of her sexuality and like what that means to her. And that could be a really good entry point to that conversation about to bring in some of that intimacy. To say this is how I'm identifying now. This is part of who I am. It's not just like a flip it.

When did you know? There are all those things that when you have a queer, when you have a queer romance, I guess, in this scenario, it's sort of like those questions, or there's a subtext there that they understand parts of you that other people might not because of that, and because you have that shared experience of hiding something, I guess, from society. And so to be able to bring your primary partner into the fold on that is like a really beautiful

thing to do. I love how you said to bring the intimacy from that relationship to this. Yeah. Yeah. To kind of share what it was. So there isn't maybe some more jealousy and just saying like, this is what I've learned and I want to share with you. Because if Theroyity Polyamorous means that,

she says she's transparent with both of them. And I guess you could say I'm polyamorous, which means that she would have a primary partner and have other partners. So there's a lot of different ways. People date as poly now too. I think it would just be like sharing in a way that's like, I want to share with you.

Like what I would say is like, this is this beautiful experience I had that felt intense and wonderful, and I would love to like share with you some of the experiences we had. It kind of like show you what that is because I'd love for us to have some of that depth. And then the jealousy thing is, you know, I think that that's, wow, I mean, that's really just about having,

like, understanding that jealousy is not like a fixed state or like your jealousy or you're not something that I think people realize you can work through jealousy, it's not a place that you have to live. I think we're told that if you're jealous, we have to act on it and it's horrible. But there is also some depth that comes from understanding going into the layer deeper. Like, what is my jealousy? Look, I'm afraid the part is going to leave me. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough. I'm afraid that. And then if you can really sit there with those emotions with the trusting partner and kind of get into it,

like the couples that I know that I've been able to transcend the jealousy, although it never completely goes away, they're the ones who really got there, like you know, babe, when you leave or when you're on an date with someone else, like let's say you're probably, and then I don't hear from you for a few hours, I start to get jealous and feel like

you're having a really great time. So can you, you know, who make a boundary, a rule that you text me three hours in, like send a alarm when you're following that I need to hear from you? Or you look start to ask for what you want to persuade your fears, I suppose, and the jealous looks a lot of work. It's in couples who can kind of communicate. Or maybe if you feel like, I don't want to hear everything after your date. This were couples again set boundaries. Like, maybe the partner comes home like, I had amazing sex with this person. do you feel like I don't want to hear everything after your date? This were couples, again, set boundaries. Like, maybe the partner comes home like,

I had amazing sex with this person. Like, I don't want to hear that. That makes you feel jealous. So I think it's to bring jealousy into the fold and like kind of talk about it and break it apart and put it back together. That's what I recommend for people. Because I've seen couples transcend that truly.

I have a book recommendation. That's not even my own book. It's called Open by Rachel Kranz. Yeah, maybe you've talked about it. Yeah, read it. It's a memoir about an open relationship and it sort of through her own story talks about like the importance of that communication and what happens when it's not there. Good, that's a great recommendation. After the break, author gemwinson and I will answer more of your questions about bisexuality, so don't go anywhere. Let's get into Zach. Yeah, I think that's a good one.

Yeah, I think that's a good one. Hi, my name is Zach and I am a 21 year old gay male from the Brafta recently. I've been having confusing thoughts about my sexuality Basically, so I came out in October of last year and for the most part I've been happy about my change even though I had to break up with my ex of four and a half years. These past few months I've been doing fantastic. I started to be more open to my feminine side. I've really been accepted into the community itself but recently I've been having weird thoughts about women as well. Basically, it's almost like if my mind is trying to force the connection

with women and sex, even though I have no desire whatsoever to sleep with or be in a romantic relationship with a woman. But the thing is, when I have these thoughts, I try to push them away as much as possible, but they just continue to build in my head, and it doesn't go away until I'm actually try to be open to the idea of me being bisexual. But the thing is, whenever I do start to be open to the idea, the thoughts just automatically

go away. Some of that, since my mind is afraid that I am by even though it was, I would be completely okay with that, but I think that just doesn't feel right either. So Zach is still working it out. The interesting thing here is that we all think like our sexuality is just set.

And I think in any time, in any place in your life, it can sort of move along a spectrum where you could sometimes you might be attracted to or it changes like as it evolves. It can evolve over time and to be open to that. And I think Zach's experiencing it all at once now and at 21. And I think that's okay.

So I kind of want to normalize his process that these are articulating here that it's okay. There's not like you put like your stake in the garden. You're like, I am by I am gay. Like it's okay. I wish we didn't have any of these labels. Because I see it is like, who you attracted to now? What turned you on today? We don't know what it could be tomorrow because that's the way our mind works. So the one thing I want to say here is that there's a lot going on here because there's the conditioning, right? We are all I guess responsive to whatever our earliest memories are of a rousal. Like, whatever it was, whether it was a porn you watched, or we were attracted to,

we were attracted to like a teacher and third grade, and that's what we think about, and that's where we first started to shape it. But in places where we might even remember, there are these little kernels of sexual knowledge and wisdom and attraction that builds up. So he might be having just some like throwbacks to like early conditioning of watching porn or of being forced to maybe be attracted to women because that's what he thought was the right thing.

So I just, I feel like I want him to just release all of it. And I think he's starting to when he says like, oh, I'm, I think I, when I let go of it that it doesn't really have as much weight. So I think it's just kind of his mind and it doesn't really have as much weight. So I think it just kind of, his mind and his body sort of, kind of connect here and about. What would you have to say to this sort of fluctuating

of thoughts? You probably can speak to this, yes. I mean, now I'm thinking about my earliest sexual, I'm thinking about the movie, Swim Fan. Do you remember that movie? No, I was so terrible. Tell me. I mean, there was just like a scene, Eliza Dkou was in it, and I don't remember the guys

name, but they just had like a, that's like when you talk about early arousal memories, that pops into my head. Well, that's cool, but that's important to like fill into that seriously, but at another time. Yeah, it's very funny. But yeah, I totally agree. I think labels, they get a bad rap. And for good reason, sometimes because they can be, like, it can be really hard to feel like you deserve it.

Like, that's part of why I didn't come out as bi because I was like, I'm not queer enough to deserve this label when that's not a thing and that's like something I'm imposing because at the end of the day, the label is just for you and to help you find out like more about yourself and connect with other people who also connect with that label,

which is why earlier I was like whatever label you use is right for you because at the end of the day, it's for you, it's not for anyone else. And so I think there's a little bit of bifobia at play, which is not to like put you up that because everybody has a lot of internalized bifobia. But I think there's some hesitancy to being by. And like I was saying earlier,

it's not like you have to want to act on it. You can be a man and only have sex with men and be bisexual. You never have to prove your bisexuality with a sexual experience. I guess I would say what's the problem with identifying as by other than maybe all the stigmas that we have about being by. I totally agree with you. For me, it was really hard to tell like, if I liked having three sims a while, like that was my entry point, humble brag, and I had a good time. Yeah, so I was having a lot of three sims, and I wasn't sure if I was being bisexual,

like if I was bisexual for myself or if I was doing it, because I knew men like to watch it. Yeah. And I think maybe something similar is happening here where it's like, you're not sure if you're attracted to women because that's what society tells you to do or because you actually are. I think a lot of times there is a little bit of ourselves in those things. So I would just encourage a little bit of unlearning

around bisexuality, like taking a look in the mirror and seeing why it is that this label is so scary. And then, yeah, just like looking back and assessing. Because you don't ever have to sleep with a woman if you're by. You don't have to do that. That's a really good point, because it sounds like you might be saying there is that he's having fantasies

about women, like they're still coming into his consciousness, which brings me to another thing that people who worry if people work their gay. Like, oh, I'm a straight man, but I watch gay porn or vice versa from women all the time. Like, I'm straight woman, but I watch lesbian porn, as they say. It's like, I was like, great. Good. As long as you don't turn you on, that's awesome. But I think there's another layer of people like, what does it mean?

Does it mean I need to act on it? So I would ask you, how do you know? Like how would you tell people they to know if this is just something to keep in their head as a fantasy, or if they're like, I should dabble. Is it when the urge is too much? Because I think I'd be happy. Many of them just be happy just watching them

or when other people. I mean, I needed to know for myself. So I think maybe that's like the filter, is like, if you actually want to do it. I think you're by your power. Yeah, I mean, I, yeah, I kind of do like stand by that, because if you're stressed about whether or not you're by, that's a very bisexual thing to do.

Like that's by culture is stressing about whether or not you're by enough. Yeah, Wait, that makes so much sense because I think this is, I think you're going to help someone who will buy this because let me just put this out there that people, I can never tell sometimes whether emails are their cause because I'm not sitting with them. I don't know. But when people ask me that, I'm wondering usually I'm like, well, if you're just watching porn, like, no, like what is the labels matter? Like, because I always take it that way, like they're wondering, they're worried or whatever. You're fine, but then I'm thinking, if they take the trouble to sit down and write me an email,

maybe they're on the, at that point where they're like, it's not just porn, I'm actually thinking about it so much that I'm gonna sit down, I'm gonna call into your show. I'm gonna write you a note that maybe they are at the place where they're like having that bi-unxed. Yeah, bi-unx, that'sonced. Yeah, buy-onced. Yeah, buy-onced. Yeah, buy-onced.

Next, my next book. Right. Yeah, I feel like- But I'm just wondering, I just had this thought where I'm like, oh, maybe they're asking, but then again, maybe that is it for some of the listeners, but in general, if you're just watching, it doesn't have to be anything. I think that's a really good point. Like, I mean, it's a good thing for Zach to ask is like, why is this so like something

that I'm thinking about so much that I wanted to write about it? And I really do think bisexuality is very scary to people. There's a trope called murderous bisexuals. If you like Jennifer's body, she's a murderous bisexual. She's the best one in my opinion. Lady Gaga and American horror story, Kevin Spacey in House of Cards. I can't remember the character's name. But all of those people are murderous bisexual characters. It's a thing and it's on tvtrips.com. I still have a murderous bisexual. Yeah. Something good Halloween costume. Oh, actually, maybe it'll be that. Last year I was the bisexual IKEA couch if you've seen that.

No, it was the bisexual, can we just take a little one of the bisexual people here? It was, yeah, this year I'm gonna be a murderous bisexual. It was like this couch that was designed, IKEA did a pride partnership with some designers and it was a couch that was, it was the bisexual couch and it looked, like they had a gay one, they had a lesbian one

and they had the bisexual one and it was like, the colors of the Biflag, which are pink, purple and blue, which is also very binary and it's like something I don't love. Change that flag. Yeah, it had these like hands on it and the hands were like scary to people and it was just, it was like a Twitter moment

and but yeah oh my god okay wait so we were saying before that bird is bisexual oh yeah I mean there's so much like I mean obviously villains being queer coded is like a huge thing like there's so many it is I see it yeah and there's so many Disney villains that are queer coded. People talk about it in the queer community all the time, because it actually has bearing on our lives, because it's part of the way people see queer people as taking up space and being boisterous and wreaking havoc and causing drama. It makes sense that the label bisexual is scary.

That's what you've been told to think. So that's probably another layer of conditioning. Mm-hmm. It's good, it's very enlightening. Yeah. I think this is awesome for everybody listening. And I just want to say one more thing to Zach. And everybody goes to these fantasies that I always say there's two kinds of fantasies.

And I maybe, I always feel like whenever you say something, I feel like, well, there's a third, but let me just tell you this. It's the ones that you want to happen. And the ones that you don't want to happen. And it's okay to have the ones in your head that you're just like, I'm just going to think about this and I'm going to think about whatever I want and I'm going to keep it to happen. And the ones that you don't want to happen. And it's okay to have the ones in your head that you're just like, I'm just going to think about this and I'm going to think about whatever I want. I'm going to keep it to myself. And it feels really good.

It turns me on. And it's my thing. My it's my go to. It's my spank bank. I use it for a rouse all done. Like that's, that's great. And that doesn't have to define you or you don't have to really like worry about that. You don't worry about anyone to be honest. Like, let's all chill out. But then there's the ones that you might want to happen. Like meaning you want to act about with a partner. So if that's your fantasy, then maybe we would know that you want to take another step here. So anyway, there's something to look at people.

There's a third fantasy that let me know. Hi, Emily. This is Liz from Oklahoma. I identify as a woman. And I am bisexual. I am in a straight marriage, so I am married to a man, and our sex life has always been really good. My question is, how do I get my husband to explore the kinks that I am into when he thinks

they're weird? For example, I asked him if he would like to bring in another woman into the bedroom and me thinking what guy would say no to that. My husband did actually say no. But to kind of combat that, I was like, well, it's not a real woman. How about a sex doll? That looks like a woman. And so we ordered a sex doll and have used it three or four times, but after asking to use it again, my husband now thinks it's weird and awkward. Any tips on helping you with this? I would really like to use it, and I would really also like to be with another woman,

but not sure if my husband will go for it. So how do I help my husband understand my trinkiness and how we can maybe I don't know do my tinks more often. Thanks for your help. I appreciate you. Love your show. Bye. Bye. I think it's interesting that Liz says that she's bisexual and is facing this challenge from her husband that she wants to be with another woman and that, like, in addition to the sex doll, like, that doesn't feel really welcomed because, as you know, like I obviously think, like being bisexual is very important and to talk about it is very important. So I guess I would wonder how much they've talked about that and like what it means, like have they talked

about it beyond just a behavior, have they talked about it as a behavior and like what it looks like. And I wonder if that could like having that conversation could even like pave the way to get to the sex doll. Yeah, I'm totally with you. It seems like they are, you know, they're married and though he knows that she's by, but yet there's no space in this marriage for her to actually play with her.

She calls it a kink though. It's interesting. So when we take what kink, people always think like, what is kinky? And I'm like, well, it's basically anything beyond missionary. It's probably like, it's a, if you think you missionary and you make out maybe that's conventional. But if kink is pretty much like even like oral sex can be seen as kinky. So what I'm saying here is that it sounds like you're in very straight marriage that this is something that your partner, there needs to be a lot more opening up here. I think of just understanding desire and what turns you on

and why it's important to be in a relationship, to be able to share each other's turn-ons and to grow together, it's actually because this to me, like you're 27 years old, I don't know how they've been together, but it's gonna be like a really, really long life with this relationship. If you guys both learn how to sort of open up together, I'd wanna going to be like a really, really long life with this relationship. If you guys both learn how to sort of open up together, I'd want to know what he's into.

What does he want to explore? Now, I'm already hearing him by his head. I'm happy with just the way it is, right? But you're not right now. She's not list. So I would say that there's a lot more to share. What is it about being with a woman or identifying as bisexual? What does it mean to you?

Like, Jen's point, can you go a little bit deeper with that? What are your desires? What are your, what are you into? Like, I think it's great that the doll does it for you. There just needs to be more opening here. And I always say like, critical of communication and sexuality in your home by listening to other podcasts and, you know,

reading books or watching TV that would kind of open up the environment where he might not hear other people talking about it. It seemed very weird. He might have fear around it. Like it sounds like some partners might feel like that. We really hot to see or someone else has we talked about, but some are just like, no, that is cheating.

That's gonna take away from attraction. So I think there's some confusion here and some education that needs to happen. Yeah, and actually, like, by visibility week, by visibility day, is a great chance to happen. Yeah, and actually, like, Bivisibility Week, Bivisibility Day is a great chance to, like, be, like, remember I'm by. Okay, so what is the call to action? I mean, for me, the call to action

is post a hot selfie on Instagram immediately, but I think it can also be, like, hey, it's Bivisibility Day. Remember a long time ago, we talked about that I'm by, like, I'm getting more in touch with that. You could be like, I'm reading this great book greedy. Slowly but surely, there's a lot stronger

bisexual representation in media. And like anytime you consume content, that like they mention bisexuality, it's a great opportunity to like, be like, oh, you know, I really related to that, or like, to kind of use that as an opener. Where would you direct people, then? Is there anything else that I hope to do, or something recently that has become? Yes. I love the show Hacks on HBO. I think it's like one of the best, like, bisexual representations

I have seen. And they talk about queerness so beautifully and not an overbearing way at all. It's just like additive to the show. I also really love the show Generation on HBO, which was canceled, but I love it and it has a lot of really strong Bisexual conversations and on that show there are great flawed bisexual characters because a lot of times it's like, you want to write a bisexual character who's very straight and narrow, not being promiscuous. You don't want to fall into these stereotypes, but by people are allowed to be human, and it's actually not because of their bisexuality, that they're a hot mess.

It's just a quick bit. You know, the hot mess, to me, I always leave with. Oh, that's good. That's helpful. Hi, Emily. I reached out a little while ago over email, but I couldn't find a time that works for me on your schedule to have you coming back.

My question is, my boyfriend is bisexual, which is great. But the reason that I'm calling with two parts. One is, I still kind of insecure about that and I just wanted to talk to you about that. And the second part is I am wanting to try anal stuff with him, which I know he's in two because he does it to himself, but he doesn't really seem open to having me do it with him. He just kind of says like, oh, like, you know, that makes me uncomfortable to think about

doing it with you. He'll do stuff to me if I want him to, but he's not wanting me to do it to him. And I just feel like that would be a great thing for us to do together. I already know he likes it. So I was just wondering if you have any tips about how to go about that conversation. I've already tried. I think I'm a pretty good communicator, or maybe I should just leave it and not try. So yeah, thanks for your podcast.

I really enjoy it. I listened to it a lot lot and it's totally helping me like kind of realize something from in my 20s. So I just kind of realized something that I haven't, you know, but I would like to try in my life. So thank you for everything you do. All right, Lauren, you probably hear that a lot. What about Jen about feeling insecure

and worried that like your partner could leave you be greedy and know. And if you find for anyone, right? So that pie comes up a lot. That's like exactly where that stereotype comes from. For sure. I think it's interesting that exactly. I think it's interesting that in this one, Lauren says, starts by saying, my boyfriend

is bisexual, which is great. So there's like some undertone of like support and encouragement, which is amazing. That's not always a given. I think that's really great, and it's awesome to see that. But then the next line is, I feel insecure about that. I think it's really nice that there's that acknowledgement that this is a good thing, and then acknowledgement that that is within Lauren to address. I also think this actually comes up a lot in relationships with bisexual men like this

conversation about anal or like this has come up a lot for me personally. I'm not sure that that's something that can be done. No it is though. Yeah, I'm capable. We can map it. Okay, yeah. Cool. I believe that if you have a man, you have a penis and you have prostate and I think that there's a lot of guys who assume that if they stimulate that prostate, that it means something of their sexuality, it makes them gay, it makes them something. And I think I should say this at every show for the rest of my life. And I've said that a lot of them, but it just means that it feels really good in your open to pleasure and your open to exploration.

And I just think it's kind of sad that a lot of guys will never explore that. A lot of men won't. So I just want to say that. That's just my anal thing. However, what's interesting here is that she's like, now I want to do it because I know you like it. So she's feeling a little bit laughed out. And when I actually the conversation would go outside the bedroom with your partner just

saying, Hey, let's talk about our sex life. Let's talk about things that we're into and that we both want to try and like, what would be a big turn on for you? Let me tell you what would be a big turn on for me. Because rather than like, I think that since you did mention, Lauren didn't mention that, it makes her a little bit insecure, that she's trying to be like, well, then I'll do this

and then I'll really please, and I'll do this, but you don't know, like maybe just like doing it himself, you know, maybe he doesn't actually wide up, it is other fantasies. So I think rather than making assumptions, and she's never gonna win this place, if you keep trying to be what you think he wants, just have a conversation with it,

that's just like open, like let's agree that we both want to be great lovers to each other. Are you in? Okay, cool. Let's talk about where big turn-ons are, what that would look like, and what can we do with each other? Because I think she's just kind of,

she wants to stay ahead of this bisexual, because at any time you can turn around and be with someone else, you know, be with a man, like so she's has these concerns, and I think man. Like, so she's, has these concerns. And I think that was in real time, figure out what he actually wants and what you guys could do together to play. Yeah, I love that. I also think like, maybe he, I don't know if they are open or polyamorous, but maybe he

wants to like explore connecting and hooking up with other genders. And maybe that's what's not being said when these conversations are happening. Like, when he doesn't want her to do it, like maybe there's something else that he wants that he almost feels like he's communicated a little bit by saying he's bisexual, but hasn't fully communicated. She obviously doesn't have enough information.

If you're a relationship with someone right now and you're confused or you're insecure, that doesn't mean that you're like an insane person. I'm like, I can't believe these feelings have to bait them, go away. I'm gonna do everything to make them go away. There's some information there. Like, why are you insecure?

And that's when you have a conversation and these are all communication skills which we are not taught in life. So it's okay, but it's like being a good listener, not attacking them, not saying, like I know that you're, why are you wanting like being a good listener, not attacking them, not saying, like, I know that you're, why are you wanting to be with other men and not with me, but saying, I really want to know a little bit more. These feelings come up for me where I feel like I can't quite be enough for you. And I know you've talked about your bisexuality, but I'd love to know a

little bit more about it. Can you tell me about your experience of it? What about it turned to, like, and then you have to remember that you're breathe, and you have to listen, and you have to reflect back what you hear. And then that's how she's going to go live in deep, because I think you're right. I think there's just, there's more to be revealed here, but she's known enough about his bisexuality. Yeah, I feel like a broken record, because that's like my response to each of these questions is like, talk about your bisexuality with your partner, but it's true because it's so you know when I started writing my book people were like Are you really gonna be able to write a whole book about bisexuality? And it was so easy because there's so much to say because it's all about like new ones and personal like your personal preferences

And like it's really like it can unlock some really amazing conversation territory beyond just like who you want to sleep with And then I will also say like all the shows I was referencing earlier and like it being by visibility day, it's a great time for you to start conversations with your partner. Like even if you're not by, it's a great opportunity to be like, hey, it's by visibility day. I see you. Hi. Tell me about your bisexuality. Like it's a great way in. They should do something today. They should do, have a conversation today, and read your book. Because this is your book, it's a memoir, really.

And you kind of cover so many different of the, so many terrain of the bisexuality terrain that people can kind of like see themselves in this. They will find parts of themselves in your story that might help them feel better about themselves or their partner. I hope so. I hope it gives people something to talk about

if you read it. Okay, cool. Greedy notes for a bisexual who wants too much. And, Jen, I something to talk about if you read it. Okay cool. Greedy notes for a bisexual who wants too much. And Jen, I want to ask you the five quicky questions. You have to prep for them. Easy, ready? Okay, Jen, what's your biggest turn on? Food.

What's your biggest turn off? Um, anxiety. What makes good sex? Communication. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Just have fun. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That it's supposed to be enjoyable.

I didn't know that for way too long. Yeah, check it out. Okay, thanks, Sean. How can everyone find you? You can find me on Twitter, Instagram, and I guess TikTok now at generous with a J. Thank you so much for having me. This was wonderful and it was great to hear from all your listeners. It was fun, right? Thanks for being here. Appreciate you. Yay!

That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to A-CAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemleaf.com.