Sex With Emily - All the Sexy Thought Work with Kara Loewentheil

Episode Date: March 21, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by master certified life coach Kara Loewentheil to talk about her podcast, Unf*ck Your Brain, and how women can be empowered without feeling completely anxious all the time.They discuss what thought work is and how it can help you have a better outlook on your mental health and how you see yourself, some healthier ways to connect our thoughts to our emotions, and how kink is actually a great way to practice thought work in the bedroom. Plus, why you can’t just say a new belief, you have to feel it to believe it.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more on Kara, visit https://unfuckyourbrain.com/For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

People don't understand what believing means. They think believing means I naturally think this lot all the time, and I don't have any contradictory thoughts. That's not what believing a thought means. Believing a thought means when I think it, in that moment, I get a physical, chemical change in my body. And that's why people are always so confused, because I go, I believe these two things at once.

I'm like, yeah, you probably leave 37 things that don't make sense together. It's just which ones are we going to practice thinking? So they become the default thought thought and those neural connections get stronger and the neural connections for the other thoughts that we don't want to keep thinking with our way. That's the work. It's practice. It's practice. Believe has to happen in your body. People think like when they believe in who thought it should be like, I always say it's like in a movie when in a wedding they're like, does

anyone object? Right? They want to say the new thought. And then they're like, well, I guess I don't believe it, because my brain had some objections. I think your brain will literally have objections to anything. Everything. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm going by a master certified life coach,

Kara Lowen-Vile, to talk about her podcast, Unfuck Your Brain, and how women can be empowered without feeling completely anxious all the time. Topics include, what is thought work, and how can it help you have a better outlook on your mental health, and how you see yourself?

Rethinking how our thoughts connect to our emotions, and some healthier ways to do so. How kink is actually a great way to practice thought work in the bedroom, and why you can't just say a new belief. You have to feel it to believe it. All this and more, thanks for listening. Betrubized, they call them in a bag on me. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute.

Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, all right? What do you mean, like, laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. The end bag feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemlee.com.

You're going to love our website. Check it out. Great untapped resource for you. And then also our social media everywhere is Sex with Emily. So follow us there. It's a good time. Okay, intentions with Emily. For each show,

I want to start off with you by setting an intention. I do it. I want you to do the same. So what I mean is when you're listening right now, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? How could it help you? It could be, I've heard about all this thought work.

What is it and how can it help me with myself a steam and anxiety in the bedroom? Or I just want to feel empowered in all aspects of my life and my thoughts aren't helping. My intention for the show to give you some new avenues, new practice, connect your thoughts and emotions in a way that's going to better serve you so you can feel stronger in your mind, in your body, and out of the bedroom. So enjoy the show. Welcome to the show.

Carlo and Thile master certified life coach. You teach high achieving feminist women. We're going to get into that means a feminist blueprint of sorts for creating confidence soon. Get what you want in life. You are very funny and very smart. And I'm excited that you're here and your podcast unfuck your brain. Thank you for being here today. I'm so excited to be here. Tell me about your podcast. What empowered feminist women, don't always feel like we're feminists, what, tell me about that.

Yeah, so. Can relate. Yeah, I think a lot of women can. So it's familiar. And even, you know, I do often talk about feminism, but it's not like the podcast is only for people who identify as feminists, but I think like, even whether you identify the label or not,

I think a lot of women have experienced kind of growing up in a society. There's a lot of mixed messages, right? Modern society, like on the one hand, we're sort of getting these messages that women can do whatever they want and things are more equal and women should make as much money as men, right? Like some of the social messaging has evolved from the past 50 to a 3000 years. But at the same time, we haven't fully made the transition to true equality, right?

So we're also getting messages that, like, especially for women, what you look like is the most important thing. Are you sexually attractive to men? You're not as competent. You might have just gotten your job because you're a woman. Like, you get all these mixed messages. And so the podcast is really my way of trying to teach people how to understand what's going

on in their brain in general, which is like a human problem, but then with women in particular, I think, have like a particular set of confusing thought patterns or emotions they don't understand that are created by that socialization. Yeah, I absolutely mean that's what I love you call thought work. I love the way you break it down because it's like we have so many limiting beliefs that we're holding ourselves back. We always think like something's wrong or I got to change it, but really when you could kind of get into your brain and get those thoughts down and realize like what is serving me?

What isn't serving me? So let's talk about some of those like limiting beliefs and how I love how open and honest you are by your journey that you've been on. So let's just start with that. I mean, I feel like you could pick any area of a woman's life and there's going to be a thousand limiting beliefs. And what's so I think sneaky is that you don't, if they like came with a sticker that said like limiting belief number 312, you'd be like, oh, okay, but they don't.

They just sound like your true thoughts, right? It just sounds like, well, you you know My belly is a little too soft So that's not attractive or like I know it's gonna like me. Yeah, once I lose five pounds And I should have sex with the lights off because like I don't look good on top or you know And anywhere to like the board room and like well my ideas maybe it's just not as good an idea You know I used to be a Reproductive rights lawyer and so I would remember like sitting in meetings I was at you know one of the top used to be a reproductive rights lawyer. And so I would remember like sitting in meetings, I was at, you know, one of the top two national organizations for

reproductive rights, meaning all the lawyers in the room are like the country experts. There's nobody who knows more than we do about it. Like, where are the people who do the big cases? And still in meetings, you know, and it's an almost all woman staff. So again, like you think should be an environment, right? Where women would feel empowered, but people are still just constantly reflexively saying, like, well, I don't know, this is a good idea or maybe this is dumb or whatever else. So.

You mean like it's qualifiers for you to speak? Yeah. Exactly. You're going to think this is stupid, but, or is it okay if I speak, but, and the men aren't, they're just saying it is fact. Right. And then what's really, like, we didn't even really have

that many men there at the time, right? So it's not like one woman in the board. Yeah, we're not blaming men here. No, of course, but also just like, some of what is to say, you'd think if any group of women were going to feel super confident and empowered about their work, it would be like, yeah, these experts in the field in a woman only, not woman only, but mostly women organization that works on women's rights and we're still having that problem. So that was part of my kind of, because you were a lawyer, you went to Harvard, correct?

Very impressive. You mentioned, yeah, they always say like, if people go Harvard, they'll tell you in the first 30 seconds, but Kara did not mention that. But that's impressive. So you do the thing, your parents, you go to college, and then you're a lawyer, and you're sitting, you're like, this is not my jam.

Yeah, I think I've always been like a professional feminist one way or another, right? So now I used to do it legally, and now I do it in a different way. But I think that I like a professional feminist one way or another, right? So when I used to do it legally and now I do it in a different way, but I think that I like a lot of people and especially women was raised to think like, okay, well, if I just get these accomplishments, I'm finally going to feel good enough about myself, right? Like we internalize that logic. And so even though it hasn't worked the first 15 times, right? Like I went to Yale for undergrad, I wasn't like, okay, now I feel great.

It's like, no, now I have to get into a good law school. Okay, I went to Harvard for law school. Oh, no, now I have to get a clerkship. Now I have to get the next thing. For a lot of people, really, of any gender, and I find this happens with my clients also, I think like mid-30s to mid-40s is where often people start to kind of be like, I've been running this race now for a while, and I've gotten all the things I thought I was supposed to get and I'm not happy and I still feel crazy like what is going on. Yes, I'm not happy, I'm not satisfied and then people say to you're so successful, look what you've done but it's never enough. I've been on this very similar path like how do you and then it's like, well be grateful like fine

gratitude. You're grateful every night for the journal and like, you know. I just call that gratitude spackling. It's like when you try to like, spackle some gratitude on top. But it doesn't work sometimes. It doesn't work. It's great.

Even my friend's husband was saying to me, she's like gratitude is corny. Like I don't like saying gratitude. I'm like, okay, I get it. What do you do? He says appreciation instead. So it totally doesn't work. Because if you feel shitty about something,

telling yourself to be grateful is not work. It's a worse. It's like another thing. And I'm like, you're like, you're like, you're not grateful. Oh my god. The worst. It's another thing. And I'm trying to be grateful. And I'm not grateful. I'm not grateful. Oh my God.

So then what the hell was, how did you start peeling back these layers? Which is what I love about your podcast and the work that you're doing with clients. And we'll get into that because people can sign up and they can take a monthly coaching with you in listening to your shows and reading your stuff. It's like, I feel like we've done the meditation. We've done the yoga. We've done the therapy. Like, I'm leaving in LA.

Like, I just spent three hours hours in oxygen chamber last night. I'm not kidding, I did. Hyperbaric chamber, I mean, I literally, I am on the edge of it, but yet, what I've, for me, it's been, what are the thoughts? Are they serving me, you know, Byron Katie's work is so great, is it true? Does it serve you so tell me about your path?

Now I like me to know a lot about oxygen chambers, because I didn't even know that was a thing I was doing. We'll go after her. You're in LA for a few days, I'll take you. My friend has already tried to make me about your path. Now I like me to know a lot about oxen to chambers because I didn't even know that was a thing. We'll go after. You're an L.A. for a few days. I'll take you. My friend has already tried to make me do the floats. I didn't like that. Oh, you know the sense for your deporation?

Yeah. That's really cool too. It's in the family. So I would I have always I think been interested in. I went at 16. I was like, hi parents, please send me to therapy. I think I should go. Right. It's the same thing. Done yoga and meditation. I have always had, you know, you could, please send me to therapy. I think I should go. It's the same thing.

Done yoga and meditation. I have always had, you know, you could call it like being a seeker, but that is very like hippie spiritual in a way I don't identify with. I think I just was always like, everybody seems crazy and there has to be a way of being a human that is like not so unhinged. Like somebody must have figured out how to do this in a way that feels better. And so. So what is it instead of seeker?

Because my mom's like, oh, she's just, my mom parents are Michigan. Oh Emily, she's our free spirit in California. I'm like a seeker. I'm so ready. What else were, I don't, I'm like, socrates also was that person. Like I just think there are people who are for whatever reason,

just want to under, want, like, I think there are people who go through life and they don't necessarily feel the need and I don't think it's better or worse, they're probably a lot happier. I always wanted that. Not thinking about, not having this metacognition about like what is the purpose of life, what am I doing here, what is the good life,

how am I making my decisions, why am I the way I am? And then some of us are just, I feel like since I was, you know, since I can remember any intellectual interest, it's always just been like, what is the human experience? Why is it like this? And like, what are other people experiencing? And how do we bridge that?

You know, so I don't know what the word for it would be, but I did go see, I mean, I think I must have studied securities in college, but then I went to a play recently about his life. And I was hilarious because I was seeing there being like, this is, you'd think this would seem very different from my life because it's about a Greek teacher, a Greek man, but thousands of years ago,

but I was like, these are the questions I ask my clients. Like, I just think you know. Yeah, the unexamined life is not only living, like what, so I get, in some people don't, I'm like, there's some ignorance is bliss, it must be, I have no idea, but, right, if you're not examining. But it's also I get it. And some people don't. I'm like, there's some ignorance is bliss. It must be. I have no idea. But right, if you're not examining.

But it's also like, we're not taught that, right? It's like an educational failure in some way. Because like, when I learned about Socrates, nobody was like, this is actually very relevant to your daily life, these questions. It was not presented like that. It was like, this old dead white man did these things. I'm like, now we have to study this with all the other old

dead white man. I mean, it's not presented like it was going to be actually relevant or useful. And I think if more people knew, like when I found my teacher, and this goes back to your question about what was my journey, like I'd studied a lot of different things. But, you know, when the person arrives who can say it in the way you can hear it, you're at the right place, it clicks. And when I found my teacher, I sort of was like, you know, wait, what? My thoughts caused my feelings, and I can change them, and they're not all true.

Like, what are you talking about? This was after like years of therapy. Just nobody had said it in this like clear way that I could understand. And so, you know, I think there are, maybe there are some people who just don't, are just happy and don't feel any need to think about these things.

But I think a lot of people are, are, are very unhappy, and they just literally don't know. Like, I was like, why did I learn to trigger nometry and not this? Why are we teaching these life skills? Right, like I should learn these creative thoughts. I should learn these creative thoughts are not them. Your thoughts are not the truth. Your thoughts are not the truth would have been so helpful to know when I was like.

No kidding. For me, it started like in college. I would say my freshman year is when I was like, what the hell is going on? Like, what is wrong with my brain? I kept going like, year is when I was like, what the hell is going, why, what is wrong with my brain? I kept going like, why can't I control this, why are these thoughts happening? And it's been so many, because you did your teacher. I think it's true though, like when the student is ready, the teacher appears, who was your

teacher? My teacher is Brooke Castillo of the life, her coaching school is called the Life Coach School. She's a podcast called the Life Coach School podcast. And she, so my work and the feminist kind of social justice angle, that is my work, that's not her work. But her work really introduced me to, and I had studied by her in a key,

you know, she just, whatever it is, you find the teacher that speaks to you. And the model that she teaches is very analytical in some ways, and I'm very analytical, so I like really like that thing you got to keep search It's like podcasts like anything like there's a lot of people talking about coaching or sex Empowerment you just find people who's like that's positions just the one that exactly exactly just like that So you started exploring and your thoughts are not the truth Yeah, and you try to examineing that and realizing in all these areas of your life, like breaking

it down. And a lot of that you've done, which I thought was so interesting in talking about your body image, feeling good about your body. And I think that that is something that we struggle with. Everybody, men, women, and I think it can kill us from having great sex because in the bedroom we're worried, we're like, well, I will be dateable or lovable until I lose weight. So, and I know it's sort of a similar process, but can you kind of talk about that journey? Yeah.

Sound like that was when your first places where you were peeling back layers or? Yeah, I think it's huge and it's almost hard now that I don't spend 80% of my mental energy thinking about that to remember what that was like, but I do because I see it in my clients and it completely ties into the feminist angle also right because I think what are women spending their time doing? Like we're spending our time like thinking about how many calories we ate or did we go to the gym or and these days it's like hip-hop, hip-hop, wellness and not dieting. It's the same fucking bullshit.

What is my body look like? Do other people like it? Is it perfect? Does it look like the magazines? Was I good or bad with my eating? Was I good or bad with my working out? It's just like it's constant mental exhausting chatter. I did work on the

body even just at first and I think for me there were two important parts of it. One of it was, it wasn't like I had never, I mean it was interesting because I had been an active and intellectually engaged feminist for a long time, but I just had like not really encountered I think some of the critiques of diet culture that I encountered. So part of it was like changing my thoughts around, like, well, wait, why do I feel guilty when I eat a certain thing? Like, is food moral?

Why, like, deconstructing all of that and seeing how different it's been in different societies from time to time, different body shapes have been prized, seeing that, you know, I think, like, there's all these actually even big picture economic, like when food is scarce, bigger bodies are prized in a society, when food is abundant, smaller bodies are prized. It's like always kind of what can the rich and elite spend their time doing? That's what's prized and what's different from the norm. So part of it was unpacking like the political angle of it. And then part of it was, and I think there's a lot

of more conversation around that these days, but that doesn't translate straight into feeling better about your body, right? That's the divide. And so I think because I partly started with my body image, I kind of learned the value of practicing new thoughts all the time and very, very small neutral step thoughts, which to me are the key to body image work, which is like, we hear

that we're supposed to love our bodies, becomes one more thing we're failing yet, and to feel guilty about. And then the people who are teaching us are like, you know, look in the mirror and like tell yourself that you're a beautiful fertility goddess, but you can't go there when your thought is my stomach is disgusting, right? And so I really did a ton of work with what I call ladder thoughts or neutral thoughts, which are like... Ladder? Ladder, like a thought ladder.

Like one step up a ladder from your current thought to what you wanna believe, and I have a whole podcast episode about it. Okay. So as an example, let's say your current thought. Yeah, I mean, we're starting with body language, but you do this undating. You're gonna let us do this for anything.

You do it undating. You do it on your beliefs around finding a partner. Your beliefs around love. Your beliefs around sex. So let's talk about the latter. Yeah, so let's say at the bottom of the latter is my stomach is disgusting, right? And the top of the latter,

what you want to believe is like, I'm incredibly attractive. Whatever it is, you know, whatever your thought would be. I think you have to start with something that you can believe now. And so a neutral thought would be. I, you have to start with something that you can believe now. And so a neutral thought would be something like, that's a human stomach. I have a human stomach.

Lots of people have stomachs that look like this. This is a stomach. I have many, many charts including a stomach. It's like something your brain can't argue with. It is not gonna feel amazing, it's not supposed to. It's supposed to feel 10 degrees less terrible. Right, that's how you tell. You think your terrible thought that feels horrible

and feels you was shame, and then you think this new thought you want to practice, and if you feel any lighter in your body at all, I mean, that's a funny thing about thought work. We call it thought work. It's a very embodied practice. Your body is what tells you if you believe something or not. So you have to check in with your body.

If you feel a tiny bit better when you think that neutral thought, that's a great thought to practice. And then you can keep doing that process. Can we, can I start you there? Because embodiment is something that has been such a journey for me. And I think a lot of people is that, yeah, so you don't recognize your thoughts.

And really, they say it can, it actually can't start in your body. Like your body actually can start to tell you something when you have a thought or a work at the same time. But let's just say we recognize our thought and then you say go to your body. Give an example of what you feel because I had to be like for years I was like, I don't feel in my body. I would buy a therapy.

So I was like, where do you feel it? I'm like, I'm out. It's like what I was in my 25, my 30% to me. Where do you feel this in your body? I wasn't ready for that work yet. I'm like, what? Nowhere, I just feel anxiety. I don't feel anything with that.

Let's break that down. But now I've done a lot of work around. So yeah, talk to you about your journey. Like when you were like, okay. I think we're encouraged. First of all, women are encouraged, women in particular, encouraged to see their bodies as objects that they're going to manipulate and refine for other people's visual enjoyment, not as like a physical home that you live in.

So we're taught to disconnect from our bodies. And then we're taught to do a bunch of stuff that feels physically uncomfortable in that goal. So we're taught to disconnect from hunger and fullness because we're supposed to be dieting and losing weight. We're taught to disconnect from pain because we're supposed to get waxed or whatever else. We're taught to...

Or that bad the six times they wax your bottle. Whatever it is, right? So I think like, and then a lot of women also experience sexual trauma that may cause them right to want to disconnect from their body. And even if they, the path is of like, shying down.

Disassociate, and even if they don't go through some kind of severe trauma, just think as a woman, when you're encouraged to think about sex as the thing that is supposed to make other people feel good and is like a verdict on your value, of course you're not focused on how does this feel in my body. You're just up in like, do they seem happy? Do they seem like they like me? Are they

valid? Have a fun job? Do they know? Yeah. They seem like my boob was weirdly shaped. Right. Right. And we're socialized to critique our bodies, constantly. So, I mean, I think most humans are afraid to be in their bodies, but women get this particular version of it.

So, and then what happens with thought, or sometimes or sometimes is that the reason I think that, like, positive thinking gets a bad rap or mindset work gets a bad rap sometimes is that people are trying to do it without ever checking their body to see if they believe it. So it's just an intellectual exercise. And then, of course, it doesn't really help, right? And I think, like, I had one actually, my male clients early on when I was doing one-to-one coaching.

I remember him saying he was very adamant that he didn't have any feelings, right? And I was like, okay, how do you know you need coaching then? If you don't have any feelings, like why are we here? And he was like, well, no, I'm anxious all the time. And I was like, okay, how do you know you're anxious, right? And of course, it was, well, I just like, my heart's going really fast.

And I like, I feel like I can't breathe in. And I was like, yeah, that's your body, right? You have to come back to your body. So, in my model, yeah. And we're just disassociated, nominate. Totally. And in my model, I think our thoughts cause our feelings. So you make experience the feeling first.

You might feel it in your body before you're conscious of a thought, but I believe that a thought causes it. And so you have to work backwards sometimes and be like, why am I? I think that's the best way. I think that's, there are so many different ways to think about it. But for me, that has been helpful, the thought, because that's so, I'm just a thinker. And that's what you can change, right?

I mean, the problem with, you know, a feeling is really just a feeling, I always, the way I teach is like a feeling can be described in one word. And it probably fits into like the five to six feelings that, you know, primates and humans. It's right, it's like happy, sad, angry, discussed, whatever they are. There's not that many of that. There's one that's sexual,

they say sexual, we always leave that out, but I think the fifth is sexual. Yeah, but it's a basic, you might have a fancier word for it for a time that a basic thing in your body. It's not, I just feel. It's really, it's like anger, we should really,

because I think it's anger, fear, joy, sadness. Some people include humor, like humor. Like, humor. Yeah, I think that's joy, though. Maybe. Some people include disgust. Yes, that disgust is one. I guess that's anger, anger, fear.

Yeah, and then I was reading something recent and they were like sexual attraction or sexual interest, which makes so much sense. But those are the basic. Yeah, I like the theory is my theory, but we're talking between five to seven. So when you have a thought, so I'm going to go back to the latter theory,

because we are going to circle back. But when you said eventually, but like you're like, okay, I'm going to have a neutral objective thought about my body that it's okay, it's a stomach and it works. Right. And then you check in at that point

with how do I feel? So would you feel out of the feeling words, is it more like in your body like, well that made my stomach tingle or that made my heart race? Is that the way you process? To do a thought letter, what usually works is to call up the really negative feeling you're having. And then when you're doing a neutral thought, it's not going to like super change often. So really what you're looking for is just like a reduction in the intensity of the sensation

is the way I would describe it. So if you feel like flooded with shame when you think, oh, my body is disgusting. And then you think like there are bodies that look, there are other bodies that look like mine. The best way I can describe it, I mean, it's funny. All clients end up saying the same thing. So I think this is just the way to describe it. It's just like, you feel it, it's like a little lighter.

It's like the just the volume on that sensation, got like turned down a little bit. That for a neutral thought. Now sometimes you stumble on a thought that you can believe that actually feels great. And then you might have a complete, I mean, that's what's so crazy about the brain. You may have a completely different emotional experience

very quickly where you, yeah, all of a sudden you're like, oh, I feel joy or happiness or proud. You know, like, I feel like I went from feeling my stomach as a sinking pit to like, it feels like rising and like opening. You know, so it depends on basically whether, but for like a neutral thought, I really think like, it's unrealistic to think you're gonna go from feeling horrible to feeling amazing overnight.

That's like, we want the quick fix. You should judge on real estate expenses. Yeah, we're going for like from feeling horrible to feeling amazing overnight. That's like we want the quick fix. No. You said John Realist, I think I said it's right. Yeah, we're going for like 5% to 10% less terrible and we're going to practice that for a while. You're going to have to put in some work and then your baseline will be that 10% less terrible and then we're going to go to the next 10%. So after that would be like, do you do this all in this session, like in your thought letter coaching work and then the next one would be like, is this way you kind of break

it down forever? Yeah, but I usually you need to practice a new thought for a while. So, that thought that can be flexible. Like I said, sometimes you'll brainstorm a few different thoughts to try and you try on the positive one and actually your body does change

and you can be like, oh, I already can believe that. People don't understand what believing means. They think believing means I naturally think this thought all the time and I don't have any contradictory thoughts. That's not what believing a thought means. Believing a thought means when I think it in that moment, I get a physical chemical change in my body.

And that's why people are always so confused because I go, I believe these two things at once. I'm like, yeah, you probably believe 37 things that don't make sense together. It's just which ones are we going to practice thinking so they become the default thought, and those neural connections get stronger, and the neural connections for the other thoughts that we don't want to keep thinking with or away. That's the work. It's not practice.

Yeah, it's practice. Believe has to happen in your body. It is not people think like when they believe in who thought it should be like I always say it's like in a movie when in a wedding they're like, does anyone object? Right. They want to say the new thought. And then they're like, well, I guess I don't believe it because my brain had some objections. Like your brain will literally have objections to anything. Everything. That's your brain, I mean, essentially. It feels like it's your job to break you down, but then it's you realize that it's you.

So it's like your thoughts about, I love that your work is it gets so specific to make people feel like that we have choices. I guess we feel like we don't have a choice and then you go down the whole believing everything and that's when depression happens and anxiety and we're totally out of the moment. So I just think it's interesting that you're working people to changing their thoughts and then how does that work into relationships as well? I love listening to your podcast about like how, you were saying like the last five years

like this journey you've been on and about how you have been, you know, you were single or you were dating and you had all these thoughts about dating. Like you went through your journey like there won't be anybody but that people are intimidated by me When are gonna like me? I get so frustrated when I hear people say these things although it's so much easier You know, I'm I've had similar thoughts, but like there's no men. There's no women. There's nobody in LA. There's nobody here And I'm like

There's more than a million people There's more single people than ever, but I love the way you kind of deconstructed that process for you. Yeah, I mean, I think the problem with dating, like the problem with some workplaces is that you can surround yourself with people who all agree with you and your thoughts, and it becomes this echo chain. Like, if you talk to all your single friends,

they're all mostly single because of those thoughts, and so you all share the same thoughts, and so then you're just constantly in a little like focus group talking about how there's no, right, sharing all your negative thoughts and believing them all with each other. Yeah, I think that, you know, for women, especially, who are socialized to, you know, basically believe,

and obviously like if you're straight, it's a little bit different, but you still grow up in the same society. I mean, if you're not straight, it's a little bit different. But like we're just basically socialized to believe that a woman's deepest satisfaction is in her romantic relationships.

Even when a woman is like famous for in her career, everybody's very interested in what's going on in her romantic life, more so than with men, right? That you're incomplete without a romantic partner and that, especially if you're a straight woman, like being chosen by a man is like the thing that's gonna bring you the final self-confidence. So if you're really happy, then you'll be really happy. Yeah, once I get the rose.

Yeah, and so yeah, exactly. And so not surprisingly, that causes a lot of thoughts that are not that helpful. Right, so there's a lot of scarcity, thinking of like there isn't enough, or there isn't enough to go around. There's something wrong with me, if I don't have this thing.

And so for me, and then obviously the body image plays in a lot, right? But people can come up with any, I mean, one of the things that you start to notice when you do this work is that in the beginning, all your thoughts seem really logical and true. And you're like, okay, this makes sense. My brain has given me a very comprehensive explanation that totally – Right. – plays in a layer of consciousness. – Constituing power points to show you the brain. – Yeah, is to gather. Considue PowerPoints to check the brain.

Exactly, all of it is on the evidence of the time. Right, the time has been true. But then over time, you see your brain keep. So like, if you have this fundamental belief, like, I can't find a partner, it's like, so first your brain's like, well, it's because you're a body. And then you do all your body image work, and you're like, oh, I love my body.

And your brain's like, okay, it's because of, like, you're intimidating, or it's because you want, like, after a while, you start to notice the pattern, as part of why I thought work gets easier over time, where you're like or it's because you want, like after a while you start to notice the pattern as part of why thought work gets easier over time or you're like, all right, brain, it's like you're like a hired hack, right? Like you, or like I always think about like a witness who will change its story on the stand when it's called out.

Exactly. Your brain is just like, I'm just really sure there's something wrong with you and I'm just gonna come up with a lot of different things it could be. All right guys, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back more of Kara. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

I think for me too, it's been within my forties. It's like a journey of fun realizing like, oh, wait a minute, there you go again. As you believed this three years ago, but all the things that you thought was why you didn't feel successful or loved have all changed, but you have the same feeling. Yeah, and even a smaller scale. My boyfriend pointed out the other day that like I have like a certain thing, you know, like I'll get anxious about something that comes up.

And every time I'm like, what's because of this and this or this interaction? And he was like, okay, but like, you know, you say that, but then like we have the same conversation about this other interaction, the same conversation about this other interaction, the same conversation about this other interaction. It's like, maybe it's not the interactions. And I was like, oh, shit, I'm a commentinator. Yeah, but yeah, you can see it even smaller, big. It's like, if you start to pay attention, and this is why, like, even without coaching,

I think meditation helps people, right? Mindfulness, no where, as you just start to be like, oh, that's a pattern. I noticed that like, my brain likes to play this tape and I'll just like attach it to whatever circumstance happens to be around me right now, whatever person. And that is one of the big things that happens in dating, right, is that especially in dating

and relationships, I think people struggle because they're so, we're so taught that it's the other person who's causing your feelings and that they're the reason you feel the way you do and that like if it doesn't work out, it's because it's them. Right, and I just think we think it's 80% the other person, 20% us, and it's like 99% us more than the other person.

It's like I teach my clients, especially on a first date, you're on a first date with you. You have no idea who that person even is. They're completely a green screen for you to project all of your unmanaged mind onto. Well, I love when you were saying that you, like, unmanage mind onto. Well, I love when you were saying that you're like, I realize that you built a story, you went out with a few guys and then you were like, oh, well, you made stories about that.

Totally. Because of these three dates. And you also talk your idea about love, also being your own thoughts, and how that could also help with, like, relationships and breakups. Right, you want someone else to deliver love to you. It never works. I would say it's not gonna drive down the chimney, like that man, that guy, that love, that confidence. And you see people like go through multiple relationships

with the say, it's like, if you have the same story about every relationship you've been in, like what is the common denominator, right? And it's like, we think what's empowering, I think, is sometimes we think it's like, oh, I can see my pattern leads me to choose the wrong people. I'm like, no, what if just your pattern just keeps playing out? And like, really, it's nothing to do with whether they're the wrong people

or the right people or anything else? Like, if you don't know how to create love with your thoughts, you will never feel it, and you will go out with 10 million dates. And everyone, you'll be like, well, I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't feel loved. Like, one of the most powerful thoughts that I play within my relationship and that I teach my clients is what,

and I think especially for women because of this being raised to like, we want that validation, is what if your partner never had to prove they loved you again? Like, we are running so much of what the other person is doing through this metric of constantly evaluating, like, does it show they love me? Are they validating me?

Are they making me feel good about myself? Like, are they approving of and accepting me again today? I know you did yesterday, but what about today? Right, there's this New Yorker cartoon that I love where the woman is like, it's a woman in a man. She's like, but did you marry me as a friend or marry me? Right? It's like, there's a- Well, marry, we walked down the aisle. Right, but there's, but you, she's like, but did you marry me as a friend or marry marry me? Right? It's like

there's a married. We walked down the other way. Right. But you, it's, it's so funny. Right. No, of course you got it. Like the reason it's so funny is because it's so true. You can 100% imagine if what you do is train your brain to look for evidence that you're not loved, that is all you will ever do. And it doesn't matter what the other person does. They can propose. You can get married. You can have three children, you can renew your vows, it's never gonna matter. You're always gonna feel unloved and then that could go back to your childhood.

That's also something that we have to work out, go back, figure out your childhood, if that's still holding you back, but then you have to accept it, integrate it. You have to change the thought chatter. To thought, yeah, recognizing that it's from your childhood is not gonna change it for you because your brain is like, we understand that if you train a muscle to do something, it will do that, right? Your brain is like muscle memory. Like if you train yourself

to write with your right hand, you can't all of a sudden be like, well, I had the insight that it would be possible to write with my left hand. I don't know why it's not magically happening. You got to do the work. We just don't want to do the work. But I think what you're saying about relationships is so it's so true that whether you're in a relationship or you're single dating is that it's just like, I think we actually both did this. I took a year off from dating and I think you took a year or six months.

Yeah, a month, yeah. And it was such a, I did it because it takes so much mental space and then time and you gotta go out with someone and you gotta like think about them. I was like, I actually wanna work on myself. I did some deep dive with just a new therapy. I had a new radio show at Sirius XM. It was just a lot in the last year and it's such a, at first, you're like,

your brain keeps circling back to love and dating and what you're like, oh no, we're not thinking about that for a year or even for a month. You're brain, like you see it adapts. There's so many other things that you can like work on and focus on. And so maybe you could talk about that journey coming out of that, how important that was, just to realize. And it was super important at the time, but I'm now having the experience of being like, oh, of course, because when I change my circumstance back and I'm in a relationship, my brain is right back to let me focus on this.

And so I'm having still to retrain my brain, right? That's such an interesting thing. Give me an example if you don't mind. Yeah, yeah. So, meaning like, so if you, part of what I teach is like if you change your circumstance, it's not gonna change your thoughts and feelings, right? Cause you've got your brain habit.

So, you can do something like, and I'm still very glad I did it. Take a break from dating, partly because it's showing me what's happening to my brain now. Because you have that time. Yeah, I have that example of being like, what was this like? Okay, so I like, I changed my circumstance. I removed the option for my brain to think about that by just opting out.

And I learned something from that process, right? And I think for me, it was really important to the reason that was so important for me was breaking the association, basically like embracing singleness and being unpartnered as a choice, not just as like this is what it is right now while I'm looking for the next person, but like I could be happy the rest of my life like this, this is a choice that there's nothing wrong with,

which I intellectually believed, but hadn't been willing to live yet. So that was crucial, I'm so glad I did that, and I am in a very different kind of relationship now afterwards. But what I do see with my brain now is that, yeah, that was a great six months, but I had 30 years before it. I'm training my brain to think about communication and validation. And I still see my brain doing that my current relationship. And it's like something I actively have to work on. Is that my brain, I've taught my brain that my relationship status is something I need to think about a lot,

that communication in a relation, like I've just given it all of these co, I've like built these programs in my brain and let them run for 25 years, and they just want to keep running, right? And so it has nothing to do with how my boyfriend's actually acting, how strong our relationship actually is, has nothing to do with any of that. And it's so interesting to date someone who, you know, he has his own, whatever, share of crazy brain issues, but not about relationships. So like, what his brain thinks about communication and versus what my brain thinks about communication? So fascinating. It's such a mirror. So you're basically, you're saying, and what I, and I do believe that that so many, everything goes back to our thoughts, our brain. Like Like we could pretty much, and it's not so much manifesting, although that can work,

like being very clear about what you want and what you think you can have. If you keep going back to what you need and what you think is possible, your life, that can help because then your brain is thinking that it's possible. And then you take those actions. Like that's what manifesting is. It's that some magical, I would do a mountain. I let, although sometimes I think that could help lighting the, for many people they let it, then fire.

We always talk about that. What is the name? Write down everything you want a partner, then go, but it's a repetition and action. Like if I wanted me to be someone who's healthy, then I'm not gonna go to this, where would you mean someone healthy? They hang out at the bar drinking until 2 a.m.

Cause this person will match my life skills that I need and I want. It all, I think life, you know, go away saying this. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think that, I think that manifesting just is when you truly believe something, you unavoidably have a certain feeling and an action that comes out of that to create it.

So when people say they're manifesting, like I was like, you're not gonna manifest true love by sitting at home and the UPS guy shows up, right? Like if you truly believe, oh my partner, like let's say take somebody who truly believes, oh my partner's coming, like I know they are the perfect person for me is coming, I'm ready for that relationship, I'm ready to receive it.

That person just unavoidably shows up in a certain way, takes certain actions, has conflict. That person's like, maybe it's a stew to the grocery store I should talk to them, right? Like, your feelings and your actions are the way that your thoughts, quote unquote, manifest. It's not magic. Right. And when manifestation doesn't work, quote unquote, manifestation, I think it's because you don't truly believe you're not going to think in your body.

You're like, yeah, I wrote it all down, but I don't love myself. Every day, you're constantly midi-stabotaging yourself. Right. And you don't believe it. So you haven't made any actual change because you haven't changed the feeling in your body, which means you haven't changed the actions that you're taking. So that's the whole, this is why like ladder thoughts are so important is that people are going around for 20 years, being like, well, I tried believing and it didn't work.

And I'm like, you never believed that thing. Like, I can say a sentence I don't believe. Like, aliens created Earth. I don't believe that. I can say that sentence in my brain. The problem is we go undetected. We don't realize that they're saying it. Or we're saying shit that we don't believe

is the other problem, right? So I can say that just because I can think that thought doesn't mean I believe it. Right. So if you think the thought to yourself, I will find true love, but you don't believe it. Thinking that thought a million times will do literally nothing for you. You'd be so much better off with a thought that doesn't sound fancy at all. That's like, it's possible

I might meet someone someday. But if you actually can believe that. Right. Which is so, but not a lot of us that I love that because it's a great twist on it because again, people are going to find what works for them. Many people have told stories about manifesting their partner. I won't use that language, or it's like, even just for people who are super pessimistic about it, you're saying, okay, I could see your point that it's possible, could be very helpful for them as well. Totally.

It is possible I could find love. I'm thinking not, and I think I could. So let's talk about how this works in the bedroom. Let's get into the sex stuff. So many limiting beliefs we have in the bedroom, and I believe that more so than ever, I've been receiving more questions and callers and people saying like, I am in the bedroom, and we're having sex, or I just, I can't get in the mood, or once we start going, all I'm thinking about is how I look, or if I'm doing it right, or if someone going to walk

in. How do we do that? I think that so much of sexual attraction experience is thought-based, and it's one of those areas that we don't pay any attention to it. Anything with the body, I think that we're living in an age where the philosophical framework from the 17 and 1800s is still primary,

which is like the mind and the body are two different things. And so anything with the body, we're like, well, it's just hormones, it's just pheromones, it's just chemistry, it's just your mutt rate. But as you start to dig into it, it turns out that all sorts of shit in the body like pain, like arousal, like all these things are influenced by thoughts. And sex is such a fessing example because so many people have had the experience of meeting someone, having a lot of hot sex with them, spending more time with them, and then not. It's like, obviously, what if it was pheromones, those are still there.

Like, why is this happening? Cause your thoughts have changed. Your thoughts used to be like, oh my god, they're so hot. I can't wait to get negative. We have such amazing sex. We're so hot for each other. This, whatever.

And now your thoughts are, why didn't you take out the trash? Why didn't you put up, right? And like, shockingly, you're having this. You never do this. You used to do this. You could be getting, you always bought me flowers. You always asked me how I did it.

And like, it's what's thought. Shockingly, you're not having the same sexual experience, I just coached a client on this in the clutch and when we downloaded her thoughts and what they used to be and what they are now, it's like, right, your thoughts now are, we don't have good sex. So it's very hard to have good sex

when your thought is we don't have good sex. So how do you impact that? You can sit down and do a thought matter, right? Thought matters, that what we do, so we take your heart. But you have to figure out what your thoughts are about sex, right? Not just for writing this down in your bathroom. Yes, yes, okay.

People, we like to pretend things are a mystery to us. We're like, I don't know, I just can't get that project done. We're like, I don't know, our sex life, it's just kind of changed. Who knows why? We're just, our brains are like to conserve energy and don't want to figure shit out. So we're just like, it's a mystery, like don't wanna figure shit out.

So we're just like, it's a mystery, I don't know. And but it's not a mystery. You have all these subconscious thoughts. So yeah, writing it down, always this way journaling works for people. It's not as concrete of an intervention as coaching to me, but you're still getting all your thoughts down. And so you see them, you're like,

oh, interesting. When you put your hand on my leg, my thought is, you don't care about me, you just would have sex with anyone. That's weird. I don't feel aroused when that happens. Right. You talk to me about all the stuff. Couples, because that'd be so interesting. In therapy, it sounds like kind of like somatic therapy to like, what are you thinking right now in my hands? And you're just to be able to do that. I don't heart it. I don't. But I think it's an amazing idea. And there are coaches who do thought work and do couples coaching. But you can do it. You know, the good

thing I think about how much of your experience is in your own mind is that especially when it comes to sex or relationships, we think like well the other person has to change an equal amount and has to be very fair, 49, 51%, we each have to change, right? No, you can change a lot of your experience of a relationship and your experience of sex by changing your own thoughts

and that can go in either direction, right? You might be the partner who wants sex less or the partner who wants sex more or the partner who wants sex more or the partner who is satisfied whose partner isn't or vice versa. But whatever your experience is, all of your thoughts about yourself, your partner, your body, your sexuality, right?

I mean, so many women, for instance, have trouble enjoying oral sex or orgasming from oral sex because all of their thoughts are it's taking too long or I look weird or I'm gonna smell weird. He's not, he or she's like, the past is, or weird or I'm gonna smell weird. He's not here. She's like the past. I don't mean I smell weird. I didn't want to do it.

Or last time it took a half hour, he's, John must be tired and especially I think could because women are, again, socialized to think that like we should be delivering sexual pleasure. They're often very uncomfortable with just receiving. Even if we think we should be empowered to, that's one of those like disconnects. Oh, such a disconnect. Yeah, it's so hard for women and it's our thoughts because we are conditioned our whole lives

to be like, your body exists to provide sexual pleasure to other people, mostly men. So of course, and like, don't be in imposition and don't be a burden if you're too demanding, men won't like you, right? And so all of that, and your body is wrong and weird and gross and should look like a pre-pubescent teen. And you know, so you go all of that on top.

And then I just have crazy work at it. Yeah, and then it's like not a mischievous thing. That you don't love oral sex, right? And there are people who are fully comfortable and just don't love it, that's fine. But you want to make sure you know why. I mean, all of those thoughts are impacting you. I love this.

I'm so into this work. It's just so important because you're right, no matter what I do, you do tips and you could try to, although some of it does work, and I think being in your body is really important, and learning to breathe, but if you don't get rid of the thought part and none of this stuff works.

Well, this is why so many people drink or get high before they stop. I'm just gonna say, it's disassociation, but do so everything else. I will always remember, I dated this guy very briefly for like 10 or 15 years ago, otherwise not that memorable. I remember him saying to me,

I mean not in a significant relationship. But I remember it because I've never been that into drinking or doing drugs just in general. And I remember him saying to me like, wow, you really like to have sex sober. Like this was this like noticeable thing that was different from how other people did it. And I started to realize like,

oh yeah, most people like have a drink to take the edge off or like smoke to, and yeah, some people find that drink to take the edge off or smoke to. And yeah, some people find that smoking pot enhances sexual. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, right? But it's just a lot of the times, I think, especially for women, where I need to be inebriated to turn off my brain so I can enjoy this, right? I need to give it my brain activity. I'd say young women too.

I remember in Peggy Orinstein's Girls in Sex Book, that was something that was so confirming. She interviewed all these hundreds of women in college, like 18 to 22. And it was like the majority of them are wasted to go out and have sex. And also because that's how they turn off their insecurity, right? I mean, people numb out because their brain is getting in their way and they aren't taught how to manage it. So if that's what you learn, right, most of us learn in high school and college how we're going to have these interactions.

And if what you learn is I get drunk, so I feel confident, I get drunk, so I feel flirty. I get drunk, so I don't think about what my thighs, right? And so I don't shame myself, after like, that's just weird for you. You'll do it 30 years. 30 years, you will continue to have sex in that way. And I think a lot of us are having sex

the same way we had at the first time. Because no one's here trying to update it for you and telling you how it can be better and we just assume it's going to suck. So as far as you having, so you don't numb out, you don't do anything. And you just, so how have you, I'm sure you're you're in late 30s now, your sex life, how has it evolved with all your thought work? Yeah. I think maybe the experiences that you have now that would. Yeah. Because I like, I don't, I like a little, you know, smoking sometimes. Yeah. And again, I like a little smoking for some times before. And again, I obviously don't think there's, right?

There's a, no, I'm doing it. Of course. Yeah. It's a little bit, I'm in my body more. Yeah, and I think it's also, I mean, especially the way I teach, it's never about the action. It's like, why are we doing it? Right?

So if we're totally comfortable having sex sober and then we like to sometimes have sex high because it feels different and fun, that's very different from like, oh, I have to get high to be able to enjoy it, otherwise I can't relax, right? Like, that's how we know we have a, not even a problem,

but just something you might want to look at. So my, I would say, I think everybody has areas in their life that they like are more or less crazy about. I think I was, although I had a lot of body image craziness, just because of the way I was raised, I was actually, I never had a ton of sex craziness like you didn't have shame yeah I grew up in a Jewish family yeah I'm with it yeah but they're just not that same right kind of you get it in the general culture but you're not getting at home I think that there

is like at least for like non religious Jews there just isn't that same like sex is shameful and sinful and masturbation's wrong yeah I just it's not it's not our culture. Now, I'm not saying for everybody, but like for a lot of us. Of course. In America, more secular Jews. So I didn't have that issue. And also, and I went to like this liberal progressive school where they talked about sex early. So I didn't have a lot of shame and stuff around it.

But I do think that I, it's not that I hesitate to say this, it's just it's so easy for to be misconstrued. There is absolutely a way of having like anonymous sex with strangers that's super fun and it only feels good. Sometimes that's how I felt, but also like a lot of women I was trained to sex for validation. So I think that part of my experience was I wasn't ashamed about sex and I've always for whatever reason had an easy time having pleasurable sex. Really like I find it easy to orgasm. Like I've never had a problem with that but I do think that a

lot of it's interesting. I found that when I started doing a lot of the work on my own. I would have described myself as having a very high sex drive for most of my life and I think I probably still do on average. But when I stopped needing sex for validation, I noticed that my desire, like my sex drive, actually seemed a little lower because it wasn't being driven by that. And it wasn't that... So it's not even like I would say it's probably like I'm up for the same amount of sex with the partner around, but it didn't have that same, I wasn't as much a mental focalizer. You realize it usually gives a commodity, and now you're like, oh, it's actually a way that I'm gonna connect. You didn't have to give it to receive it.

And I think I used to use sex as a way to be in my body and connect to my body, actually. And, which again, there's just nothing wrong with that, but now that I spend so much more time in my daily life being like, oh, what's happening in my body? Being in my body, I don't need it as a shortcut to embodiment. At the same time, I think one of the reasons that thought work has been so, one of the reasons that was easy for me to believe that thought work impacted sex is that I, is that I think thought work, I'm, I don't know what's the word to say, I'm part of the community, I like have some kink aspects of my sexual health. Maybe the way to say it.

And kink is so mental. Yeah, love kink. You're connected. And it's so mental though. It's like the same actions if you think, well, they're the dumb and I'm the sub or vice versa, totally different feeling versus if you think this is vanilla, like this is whatever,

it's so mental, right? I mean, I think people think of kink and they think of kinky actions, but I think that kink is mental more than anything, especially because in the same way, like, you know, you can have an action happen, like get a spanking from someone. But if you don't have like a mental engagement in the power exchange, it just feels like an action. It doesn't feel, it might feel good physically, but there's not a deep intellectual around. It's also like the, my partner's dominant, I'm a submissive, this is something that I've,

we're in this exchange. It's like you can get someone to give you a spanking where they don't really into emotionally and mentally identify as a top and you're not feeling really identified as a bottom and both of you aren't identified in that relationship. And so it's just the action of one person's hand hitting your ass, but that's totally feels different, right?

So that can feel less arousing and less kinky than when you do have that. You have that, like maybe with you and your partner, you're talking about it. Right. I'm just saying, like, sit over there. Yeah. Right. Can be like so much more erotic around it. Because some people just spaking can feel great

because all the nerve endings in it, and it still does. And it still does. But this is like another level. If you're in the power play role playing exchange, then your mind is otherwise engaged and connected to your partner, but it's not like you're just both in your own.

It's less, you're less likely to just associate too and go off in your own way when you're connected in some kind of kink or power play BDSM. I don't know if I would say it's more in BDSM than they were. Also, I just think it's an example of how you can get a spanking and it feels, we think that's what we think it is, the physical. Like, while the nerve endings there were touched by this thing and that feels good, that's true.

But how can it be the case that it can be more deeply, even physically arousing for someone when you are in that relationship to say, sit on the couch, then it is to get a whole spanking from someone else, only because of your mind. It's all the mind. It's all the mind, right? And you can even, you know, I think it's so fasting also, I mean, partly because I'm so interested,

that's I'm always fascinated by situations where two people think, too totally different things are going on, right? And so you can have a situation where like, you've decided you think that person is kinky and topi and they're like telling you what, they have no idea that that's happening, but you're having this totally kinky experience

even though they don't even know what's going on. Like it's, so I just think for me, kink is such an example of like, it is all, your thought process is so much, yeah, there's some brain wiring and whatever the area for the foot is close to the area for the genitals in your brain, like there's some biological stuff happening, but so much of it is thoughts. And to me, it's just, I don't think it's better or worse than not kinky sex. I just think it's a great example of these things we think are just biological

and so impacted by our thought process. I think it's, I think all the work you're doing is so great, Cara. Thank you for being here. I so tell where people can find you and how they can work with you and all the things. Yeah. You can listen to my podcast, which is called Unfuck Your Brain. And you can also find more about me at UnfuckYourBrain.com. And I have a feminist coaching community called The Clutch where we dig into all the stuff.

And I was saying, as I was saying earlier, like I think because I'm so open about all of this, I think it's a place that particularly, not just women but people who are kinky or in polyamorous relationships or I just have different lifestyles and maybe the quote unquote norm can get coaching and get, that's not the focus of the group,

but it's welcoming and open to anybody. I love the work you're doing We're gonna put this in the show notes as well wherever you guys are listening to the podcast And then I have to ask you the cookie questions. We ask all of our guests. Are you ready? Okay, what is your biggest turn on? My mind 100% biggest turn off Also my mind What makes good sex? I Think with you girl. What makes good sex? I think, I feel like I just want to answer your brain to all of these.

Your brain and your body being able to experience your body, but knowing how to manage your mind to create the space for that. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. You can totally have everything you want, but it's not about finding that person. You have to get yourself figured out in order to even be able to notice and receive it. One fuck yourself. Okay, number one sex tip. Look at and shift your thoughts on purpose.

Alright, awesome. Thank you so much for being here. My pleasure, thank you. Alright, thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, our interns, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? E-Mommy, feedback at sexwithemily.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING