Sex With Emily - Am I The Asshole for Watching Porn Without Telling My Partner?

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

Ever wondered: Am I the asshole for watching porn without my partner knowing? Am I the asshole for feeling a little misled about our sex life before we walked down the aisle? Or how about: Am I the asshole for just feeling plain bored with our sex life? You’re not alone. Today, Producer Erica and I read your AITA questions and let you know if you’re approaching asshole territory. In today’s episode, you’ll learn: How to be a supportive partner to someone with sexual trauma How to get clearer on your sexual desires About the experiences of sex workers Show Notes: Try OSEA Today! Get 10% off your first order sitewide with code SWE at OSEAMalibu.com Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

I understand waiting until you get married to have sex is a personal choice and the challenge around that is we don't know about sex until we have sex. It's like someone saying choose your three favorite foods and that's all you can have for the rest of your life but you've never tried these foods. You're like okay I guess pizza looks good and then you make tomato sauce and then you're screwed because you get pizza. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate

the conversation around sex. Ever wondered, am I the asshole for watching porn without my partner knowing? Or am I the asshole for feeling a little misled about our sex life before we walked down the aisle? Or how about am I the asshole for just a little misled about our sex life before we walk down the aisle? Or how about am I the asshole for just feeling plain bored with our sex life? Well, you're not alone. Today, producer Erica and I read your Am I the Asshole questions and let you know if you're approaching asshole territory. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast.

It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media. It is at Sex with Emily. And don't forget to check out my new article, how to spring clean your sex life on sexwithemily.com. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. You all know I've been talking about Vaya for years now and that's because I truly love their products. I use them regularly, I trust them and their high glove gummies are one of my favorites. I recommend these to friends and partners and listeners and anyone who wants to feel more connected to their body and experience more pleasure. Cause who doesn't?

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That's V-I-I-A-H-E-M-P.com. Use code EMILY at checkout. That's ViaHump.com. Use code EMILY at checkout. Happy shopping! This is from Anonymous. He's 52. Hey Dr. Emily, my wife and I have been together for 20 years, 15 married, both in our 50s.

Am I the asshole for hiding strip club visits and porn use from her because I'm using them to get turned on before sex? Okay, Mr. Anonymous, well, here's my question. Have you thought about why are you hiding it? Are you hiding it because she's expressed that she doesn't feel okay with porn use in strip clubs? Was it something that she's, you know, in the past she caught you that use people use language a lot in relationships like caught a masturb, I caught doing that. Is that one of the reasons why? Because then I always think this could also be a great time to collaborate, which is one of my pillars of sex IQ that I talk about in my book, Smart Sex. How is your conversation around sex? Because I'm wondering if you've been together for 20 years, if there's some more depth and conversation that two of you can have around your sex life that could help make it a lot richer, more connected, or if you guys aren't really talking about it and so that is the reason why you need strip clubs and

porn use to get turned on because talking about sex or exploring your sex life after 20 years is a no-go for her. I'm wondering about that. That's just a flag for me. Maybe it's a pink flag. Obviously it's a red flag, but it's a burgundy flag. Are you an asshole? I just think the word hiding makes me feel like after 20 years, I know there's sometimes mysteries really hot in a relationship, but how do you feel about the hiding? Like do you feel any shame around it? Are you worried if you'll get caught? Is it really the only thing that turns you on before sex? Could you get curious and explore some other things

that might get you turned on before sex so you're not really hiding this strip club business in porn use? And maybe if you do start to talk to her about your sex life in a really open, curious, collaborative way, you might find that she might be open to some things that you are too.

And that maybe there's some new places you can go after 20 years. When I read this, I think porn use, absolutely everyone should watch porn. If it turns them on, it doesn't mean you're wrong. Even if you're in a relationship. When I think hiding strip club visits, I initially think asshole.

Yeah, do you feel like guys who go to strip clubs are assholes or just hiding it? Hiding it. Your answer was much more open-minded than my initial reaction. Well, no, I loved you. This is the truth. We're being real here.

So, because when you think of strip clubs, what do you think about? Well, as you were speaking, I was thinking to myself, I guess why is it different if in both cases you're watching someone else and you're not engaging with them? I guess because strip clubs just feel more personal to me. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it is something that you're leaving the house.

Is he getting lap dances? Is he spending money they would be using on their family vacation on strippers? Are you just going and having a cocktail and leaving? Is it like a quick drive-by and you're sitting at the bar, looking at someone dance and then getting home? Or are you having more of an elaborate experience with the strip club?

And I'm also thinking, okay, if he's using them to get turned on for sex, maybe his arousal lasts the duration of the car ride back to the house. But I'm kind of like, is it a drive-through strip club? Which actually isn't a bad idea. No, I hear what you're saying.

Strip club usually connotes something a little bit more sleazier and a little bit more subversive. And since we're not on the call with him, which I would love if people would start to, you guys can still leave messages on our hotline and we can chat about things. I just think this is an opportunity to sort of have the conversations that I always talk about

on the show with your wife about it. 20 years in, happy anniversary. What can we do the next 50 years we're together to explore our sex life? Because I'm just feeling it again, if there's hiding, that maybe years we're together to explore our sex life? Cause I'm just feeling again, if there's hiding that maybe there's something else to explore and I'm also guessing from my 20 years of doing this that she might've shamed him in the past.

She might've said, I don't want you watching porn. I don't want you in strip clubs, but let me remind you, there's a lot of great porn out there now that's made by women for women that she might find her arousal in porn, watching porn that actually does turn her on. So I don't know, people can change, people can grow. Like maybe it's time to revisit the conversation

that has made you want to hide this. Now the other thing is maybe part of your arousal anonymous is that like you like the secretive nature of it. You like that like she doesn't know and I'm getting away with something and that is fueling your turn on. So you're not an asshole. Just try to have some good conversations here.

And what if your neighbor sees you at a strip club? Like what if she found, how would you feel? You know, if someone found you. And the porn use is, you know, again, I love when couples talk about their porn use, but I also know from talking to many, many long married couples that they, most couples have never talked about masturbation,

their masturbation practices, and they use porn in secret. But I'm all about freeing porn, liberating the sex conversation. So I'd love you to have some real chats with your wife. I have a question. Go for it. There are so many options for ethical porn sites now. Are there options for ethical strip clubs?

And I'm all in support of sex workers doing their thing. To me, maybe this is still an uneducated belief that I just think of strip clubs as having a little different of a power dynamic than maybe someone having their own OnlyFans. Well, I guess historically they have. Historically, many strip clubs have been less beneficial to women in some ways, although, you know, there's also a lot of women who actually really get,

I was thinking about my friend's show on Vice called Sex Before the Internet. And there's a whole thing about the gold club and the 80s and you guys should check out this series. It really does sort of, you forget what sex was like before the internet. I mean, like sex built the internet, but really you had to go to strip club.

You had to do everything in person. Nothing was online. But the point is like a lot of the dancers from that time talk about the freedom they had to make their own money. They felt taken care of by the strip club owners. I mean, there was probably, I'm sure there's experience of like violence and things that happened, but they were able to make a lot of money by taking their clothes off and many felt that they were treated well and equitably. Although

a lot of the clubs were owned by men who probably made way more money than they did and they might not have been always treated the best way. But ethical porn clubs, I guess, basically probably have gone online to only fans. So that's a good note. I guess the most ethical one is when someone's really in charge of her own business. No, I don't hear about strip clubs as much as more, to be honest.

I feel like I know that they're here in LA. And then when I lived in San Francisco in the 90s, it was like, and Mitchell Brothers, and there was all these places, and I would go talk to the dancers. I remember one of my first interviews was going there and they were just like, love my job, I'm making money, I love dancing, it makes me feel good, it turns me on.

Now there is probably some stuff that goes out in the back room and you get to hand jobs or people have sex, I know that stuff has happened, but for a lot of dancers, like, I'm raising my child, I'm able to make more money than I was able to make doing anything else. I feel safe, there's bodyguards, so. And it really is just dancing. It is just dancing.

I mean, yes, there's stories of strip clubs and all the other things, but a lot of it is literally just dancing. And there are bodyguards and they're dancing. Maybe they just feel good in their bodies, but yeah, so much has changed in the world right now. I could so see that. I mean, pole dancing classes are so popular now

and it's literally just a room full of, it's almost like taking a yoga class. It's like taking a pole dancing class, but you're getting in touch with both your athleticism and your eroticism. Yeah. Women who have done are like, I feel so sexy. I feel my body, I feel empowered.

I feel like I'm in charge of my sexuality and I feel in touch with it. So all that. All right, Anonymous, let us know how it goes with the conversations. We'll be here for you. This is from Lori61 in Nebraska. Am I the asshole for wanting more physical touch

from my partner? Hi, Dr. Emily. My love language is touch. There are times when it is totally obvious to me while in bed with my 68 year old husband of 36 years that he is purposely avoiding touching me in even the slightest intimate way. He drapes his lifeless arm under my breasts or across my abdomen, not moving at all. We've talked about it and I admit that it feels as if it's a stop sign. He in turn admits that he sometimes avoids touching me in a pleasurable way because he doesn't want to raise my expectations, turn me on, or encourage me.

We have a huge variance in sex drive. I have tried to talk to him about it and explain that I often feel more like a roommate or a sister in bed next to him because of the lack of desire that's evident. I've asked him to help offset the lopsidedness by pleasuring me sometimes, quickly, or with a toy perhaps, when he's not in the mood for receiving pleasure. He only wants to be intimate when relations are imminent. I can't complain because we have sex on average two times a week but he doesn't communicate or convey love through touch at any other time. Am I the asshole for wanting more

physical touch? Wow 36 years together you guys are certainly in a dynamic that is very very set in its ways. And your sex drives have certainly fluctuated over time. It sounds like maybe you've always had the higher sex drive. It sounds like he might be willing to give you the kind of touch you want if he knew that he wouldn't be pressured into it leading to more. Because I feel like what you're asking here is for more non-sexual touch.

That's what I got from this, because you're having sex twice a week. So you just want him to be able to like come up, kiss your neck, play with your breasts, but maybe an assurance from you that, babe, it's okay, we don't have sex, I just need the touch. And so maybe he doesn't quite get what that looks like or doesn't believe that it could be.

So maybe you could say, you could start by demonstrating to him what you need. You could say to him, I'd really love to cuddle right now, or I'd love to make out for a second, but I don't need this to go any further. And just by stating that in the moment and showing him that touch doesn't have to go

anywhere, you're not going to pressure him to take it to another place, might allow him to feel safer with touch throughout the week that isn't just about sex, but maybe he needs that little bit example from you showing him how it might go down. I can definitely relate to that as someone who has been the lower libido partner in a relationship where anytime my partner touched me, I always loved touch, but there was always something in my mind where I was like, is this about to be like the next hour? Is this you want more than this? And so

then it wouldn't allow me to enjoy that touch as much. And if we had had these conversations and just been like, I don't always crave this, you know, but I do feel like I understand you have a lower libido, but I do need more intimacy than what we're having. Yeah. And that's really common, Erica, too. You always hear these situations with couples like, oh God, you get the dick in the back,

your partner rolls over, and you're like, what does it mean? And oh God, I don't have time, or I'm with the kids. And so this is a common situation that people get into in relationships where they're like, I don't want wanna give into this touch because I don't want it to lead to sex. And so again, just like naming it for what it is and you can make it playful.

It's not like you'd be like, wait, before we make out again for another second, let's be clear, this is not leading to penetrative sex. You can just make it fun. And again, I've done this with my partner. Like both of us have done it. We're like, nope, let's just play right now. Like I just wanna make out for a second.

We're not having sex tonight. Like we just call it because we talk about it. I'm like, okay, cause- So you do call it out in the moment. We do, we call it out. I mean, no, my partner and I do. We call it out all the time. How do you do that?

Touch is our love language for both of us. And we both love touch. Sometimes I'll just be like, or let's just cuddle tonight or let's just tonight. I'll pleasure you, you'll pleasure me. I practice what I preach here and that we talk about it tonight, or let's just tonight, I'll pleasure you, you'll pleasure me. I practice what I preach here and that we talk about it also.

It looks like just come sit on my lap. We don't have to do anything else, or let's just cuddle here, or let's just be naked, but I'm with you. Like we don't have time, we're both exhausted, we're gonna get up early. We just name it. We talk about what is going to happen with touch

because touch is very confusing. Now sometimes you know that it's just non-sexual touch, but yeah, sometimes it isn't clear. So we literally just call it and sometimes we're pleasantly surprised. He'll say like, no, we have time now, I don't want it now, and then it will turn into sex. So, but again,

only because we really want to. Right, right. Sometimes I'm like, what do you mean we're not having sex? Of course we're having sex. Like in every other area of our life, we clarify things, but with touch, most of most times, or sexual touch, or intimacy leading to sex, it can be very confusing in relationships.

And it can also lead to us giving into sex when we don't want to, or maybe thinking our partner wants it. Maybe they just want that too. So I think that everyone who's in any kind of relationship right now intimately should have that conversation with their partner, because I think this is a really common scenario

and we don't often talk about it, but it just becomes very uncomfortable. And what happens is in long-term relationships, sometimes couples just stop touching and they're not even that in touch with why they stopped touching. And usually it's because of this is the culprit. And then I'm sure that translates to

when you do have actual sex, it feels more mechanical is the culprit. And then I'm sure that translates to when you do have actual sex, it feels more mechanical and less intimate. Because you haven't had the precursor of touch. And then you miss touch at other times. Remember you guys, we can go without sex for a really long time. You can go without intimacy, you can go with our orgasm really,

even though it's good for you. But we as humans really don't do very well without touch. We require touch to be, to feel connected. It's good for our nervous system. It calms us. It stimulates feel-good hormones. So actually I think understanding your relationship to touch within a relationship is really important work

for a lot of couples. I appreciate all your questions, but Lori, I think this is a really important question and I think it's really gonna to help a lot of people. Thanks, Lori. Let us know how it goes. Again, sometimes our partners, we need to lead by example and show them what we need and how to manage it.

Stick around, assholes. We'll be right back answering more Emma the Asshole questions after a quick break. All right. Let's talk about skin, aging, wrinkles, fine lines, we all get them. And yes, the deeper ones, they do show up later in life. And if you've ever tried retinol, you know it is the holy grail for smoothing skin, but also often the reason for like dry, flaky, irritated mess, which is not fun. But retinol's been all the rage for a while, and that's why I'm loving Osea's new Dream

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So using this retinol at night just makes sense. So when I wake up my skin does feel soft, it looks smoother, and it's like this silky gel-like texture and it has a calming lavender scent. So you feel very indulged at bedtime. It's powerful and gentle. I think that's what I love most. Just smooth, firm skin. So say goodnight to wrinkles and wake up with visibly firmer and smoother naturally radiant skin with Osea's new Dream Night Serum.

And now there's a special offer for our listeners. You can get 10% off your first order site-wide with code SWE at oseamalibu.com. That's O-S-E-A-Malibu.com. Use code SWE at checkout for 10% off. This is from Andrew. He's 30. Am I the asshole for feeling misled about my wife's sex drive when we were dating? Hey Dr. Emily, my wife 32 and I've been married

for five years and we waited until we were married to have sex together. While we were engaged, we occasionally brought up the topic of sex and both voiced that we wanted to have sex pretty frequently, multiple times per week. However, right after the honeymoon, my wife's sex drive just plummeted and since then, we pretty consistently only have sex once every four to six weeks. My wife says that sex just isn't a priority for her and it turns her off and stresses her out that I always try to initiate sex with her.

She does have sexual abuse trauma from a previous relationship and is on SSRIs to manage pretty severe anxiety, which I recognize both affects her libido, but she's aggressively against going to any form of counseling and has gotten to the point where she's pretty vicious in her rejections when I try and initiate.

I go to marriage counseling by myself to try to work on my issues, but I feel so dejected because physical touch is my love language and I have a very high sex drive on top of that and she's not into physical affection of any kind and could probably never have sex again and would be quite content. Am I the asshole for feeling a bit misled

when we were dating? Andrew, my heart goes out to you. I understand waiting until you get married to have sex is a personal choice and it's common that couples do this for many reasons. Could be they're operating culturally. The challenge around that is we don't know about sex until we have sex. It's like someone saying, choose your three favorite foods and that's all you can have for the rest of your life, but you've never tried these foods.

You're like, okay, I guess pizza looks good. And then you make tomato sauce and then you're screwed because you get pizza. You know what I mean? Okay, but that's just a side note rant. Here's the thing, Andrew. What I'm gonna zero in on is the fact that she has sexual abuse, she's on SSRIs.

That is an area where everything needs to start, that she's gotta truly work on herself. Now I know that she is against any form of counseling. Many people start that way. I mean, at this point though, mental health has been a movement the last few years. I actually think it's way less stigma to going to therapy, being on antidepressants.

And so, but I'm gonna say the same thing I've always said, like, does she need more information about it? Does she have any friends that she could speak with? Does she have any people in her life, and do that you think could perhaps get her to the point where she realizes that it's actually going to help her life in every area, not just sex. What I'm guessing is that, and what I know is, that this abuse and her anxiety is showing up everywhere, not just in the bedroom. You say here, are you an asshole who feeling misled when we were dating? I don't think

she was misleading you. I think that everything she probably heard about sex and knew about sex is it's just to be this wonderfully pleasurable thing. And for her, it hasn't been because it brought up trauma. And a lot of times, unfortunately, that's when we realize our traumas when we're in a situation where the memories come back to us. You're doing your work, which I love,

because that's also what I often tell people. If your partner won't go, definitely go take care of yourself. And we really can't make our partners do anything. But perhaps if she starts to see the benefits that you're getting from your therapy and sharing things with her, maybe that could help. I am hoping in this committed relationship,

you've only been together five years, that there's a way that you could even say to her, perhaps I'm just spit balling here, take sex off the table and say, I love you as your husband. I care about you and your mental health. And I just think this would be a really important for you to go see somebody and kind of work on these challenges you've had and make it more about a we thing and her thing than it is

about you having sex. Maybe her experience with sex is so painful and horrific because she's got this trauma that perhaps she's afraid if she gets helped and then she's gonna have this sex thing that she doesn't like. So she's like, why would I get help for it when now I have to have sex and it hasn't been a great experience? Not because you're not trying Andrew because of her trauma and the antidepressants. It's like a one-two punch. She's had sexual trauma that's reared its head and SSRIs or antidepressants, it's like a one-two punch. She's had sexual trauma that's reared its head and SSRIs or antidepressants,

they can just slash our libido. Like we don't feel anything, there's no sensitivity. When you touch her, she really might feel numb. And I know you talked about it when you were engaged and you brought up the topic of sex, but she just didn't know what it was then. She hadn't experienced it. And so if you could kind of help her wrap her head around

her severe anxiety to deal with that, the best way to deal with severe anxiety is actually getting to see a therapist, working on her medication, seeing if it is the right dose for her, and then also, you know, breath work, yoga, taking care of herself. But a lot of it starts with therapy. I could see that being really difficult because he says she's aggressively against going to any form of counseling. She's pretty vicious in her rejections when he tries to initiate. He says, I go to marriage counseling by myself

and try to work on my issues, but I feel so dejected because physical touch is my love language. Yeah. That's really hard. I feel like it's so for him beyond the sex and just feeling a disconnect from his partner. And I think that's what you can bring up to your wife more importantly. Say, I'm not trying to have hours and hours of sex with you.

That's not why I think it would be beneficial for you to go to therapy. It's more like first it would be beneficial for your own growth as an individual, but also just for our longevity as a couple. As a way to connect, as a way to feel safe with each other. Because you're only 30, you got married at 25, you've got a long life of the two of you guys together, hopefully. You gotta address these issues.

Yeah, I mean, I think that is a great thing to say to her that it's not about the sex, it's just about touch and intimacy. And we have to remember that those are two different things. I mean, intimacy is the umbrella term and sex falls under that, but just hand holding, touch, massage, and all of that's really important. So letting her know that your intimacy and connection is important because, yeah, the fact that she's vicious and aggressive, viciously responding and aggressive is worrisome.

So that's our tone too. So think about your tone and think about how you could talk to her in a way that feels comforting and supportive. And so she feels safe that this is really about enhancing your relationship together. Because I could totally understand if sex feels like the scary thing.

Of course, it's just the defense mechanism to defend yourself, to defend this scary thing from happening. She's definitely not an asshole by any means for being vicious. I think the more you can be understanding with her while also emphasizing how it's important for the two of your connection, that would be really important. When someone does respond so aggressively and so viciously to something, it's usually a sign that this, whatever the triggering thing was, is so deeply troubling for the person.

Like the more intense our response means that there's just a lot that's underlying that, right? When someone gets really angry, it doesn't really seem commensurate with the act. And you're like, with something that happened, it's because she's in a lot of pain. She's in a lot that's underlying that, right? When someone gets really angry, it doesn't really seem commensurate with the act. And you're like, with something that happened, it's because she's in a lot of pain. She's in a lot of pain. So let's see what we can do to get her there.

You guys are young and you've made a commitment to each other. So let's see how you can kind of learn to change the way you speak with her and let us know what happens. We're here for you. Thank you, Andrew. This is from Sydney. She's 23.

Am I the asshole for being bored with our sex life? Hi, Dr. Emily. When I started dating my boyfriend, we had sex a lot, but I was more of a performer and faked it a lot, but I was having fun. Now I have almost no desire for sex. He's good and we've okay communication. It's slowly improved over time.

I'm the problem. My personality is very ADHD. I'm driven by novelty and I've never been attracted to people for very long. I love him, but I think I'm the problem. My personality is very ADHD. I'm driven by novelty and I've never been attracted to people for very long. I love him, but I think I'm just bored and I don't know how to reawaken sexual interest. When I'm not in the mood, sex is painful and I'm not good at stopping it once it starts.

So I start to just avoid it at all costs, people pleaser. I'm now at the point where I'm kind of just grossed out by most sexual things, smell, semen, giving head. But I also think I built up some tally in my head where I feel like he owes me. And so that also plays into me not wanting to give him head in cases where I'm scared of penetration or it hurts. Also, I'm sure the reaction to this is,

boy, this girl needs therapy. I do go to therapy, but I haven't been able to open up about this. I struggle because I feel guilty for not giving him a sex life, but sometimes he's insensitive saying I should be able to fix my problem. I'm trying and it's extremely frustrating having this problem. I feel like an asshole. So Sydney, where I'm missing the loop here is that you're a performer and you faked it, but you're having fun. You stopped faking it being a performer,

but have you found yet the step after faking it and having performative sex is then going into our bodies and feeling what we do like, what feels good to us, what turns us on. And so I'm wondering if that piece is missing. Do you know what you like, what your turn-ons are, what feel good to you? And then you've built up a tally in your head

where he owes you, what do you think he owes you? Does he owe you more, like what in your relationship? So it does sound a little bit, this isn't just about the sex, it sounds like there's some other relationship dynamics. And if you are in therapy, I highly recommend opening up about this in therapy. And you probably have to make sure that your therapist

is someone who's comfortable having these kinds of conversations. Unfortunately, many therapists are not. Hopefully, they're getting trained in it now, but it's not that common that they are, but I don't know where you live. Sex problems are not one person's problem. So for him to say, you should fix your problem isn't fair because it takes two of you to create sex life.

It sounds like there's definitely a collaboration issue here. You guys are not really able to yet have a healthy conversation about what you both want, what your desires are, what your turn-ons, what your blocks are, what actually feels good to you, what does give you pleasure. And I'm wondering if you've figured that out yet. I hear what you say about not stopping sex once it starts. You're allowed to stop sex whenever you want. We all are. I think we were all told growing up, especially with vulva, that, you know, there's so much momentum and your partner has an erection and you should keep going, but we don't have to do that. So maybe there's a way that you guys could slow everything down, take a little bit

of foreplay and penetration off the table, which you sounds like you already have, and get to know each other on like a more touch level and a more arousal level, just kissing, making out, giving each other a massage, that might really help you start to be in your body, start to see what feels good. And I'm wondering also, have you shared with your partner that you were faking it, faking everything, faking pleasing,

and that's okay to do that. You're young, you're 23 years old, like you probably haven't had that many partners. And I don't even mean quantity. Maybe you're gonna say, I've slept with a lot of people. It doesn't mean, it sounds like they were all less than satisfying. So you've still got a lot of learning to do.

He probably does too. Can you guys go on a sexual journey together where you're both really open about where you're at, what you know at this point in life, and kind of build together? That's what I want for you. I want some more conversations about you being really real and really honest and really truthful

about what's actually going on with your body, with your thoughts about sex and what you truly desire and have him open up as well, guys are in it together. I'm kind of wondering, is that an asshole move for him to put it all on her? Or is it understandably frustrating if, you know, Sydney, it's totally okay that you have more work to do to feel comfortable sexually, so many people do,

but if you're with someone who has let go of all that shame, that is also frustrating, and I feel like it's okay to acknowledge that for your partner, hey, I appreciate you being patient with me, I need you to continue doing that and not putting the pressure on me because that's not gonna make me get rid of my shame any faster.

Yeah, absolutely. Like thank him, thank him for patience. Like thank him for listening. Thank him for like being a good partner for learning to explore with you and go slow. But you have to let him know what you need. You have to be able to explain it. And I get you might not know what you need.

I don't know how your relationship is in other ways and how we communicate, but there's a lot to be said for just, hey, I really wanna talk to you about this. I love our relationship. These are all the things that I think are wonderful about it. I know we're struggling sexually and here's what I'm going through right now. So what I might need from you for it to start to heal again

is to go really slow, to go back to just touching, to just making out, to moral sex on me. That's what you want. It's all an energy exchange and so the more you can open up your vulnerability to him, he might come in and be able to sort of hear it from a place of, you know, respect and kindness and love, or he might get defensive too. So this is all communication work,

but I think it's more of a, well, it is a sex challenge, but it's also just how you guys can communicate and really learn to hear each other so you all get your needs met together. So I don't think that you're an asshole, but I do think your avoidant behaviors and tallying in your head and going to therapy and not talking about sex is just hurting yourself.

So maybe you're bringing an asshole to yourself, but we love you. Sydney, keep us posted. Thanks for your questions so much. Keep us posted. Thanks for your questions so much. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739, or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily.

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