Sex With Emily - An Ode to Oral (Sex)

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

On today’s show, Emily’s helping you communicate your way to better sex and relationships – with a partner, or with yourself. She talks about the oral sex double standard, ways to overcome your sexual insecurities, and what to do when you’ve given up on having an orgasm. Plus, she gives a first hand account about the hidden and sometimes surprising benefits of masturbation. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Promescent, We-Vibe, Womanizer Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm helping you communicate your way to better sex and relationships. Topics include the double oral sex standard. Why men aren't always in the mood and it might not be what you think. The hidden and sometimes surprising benefits of master, Bayesian, a first-hand perspective, and ways to overcome your sexual insecurities. All this and more, thanks for listening. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way?

What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information. Go to sexwithemily.com and follow us on social media. It's at sex with Emily. It feels like so commanding like follow us and all that. I mean, if you want to, if you're into it, if you happen to be scrolling through Instagram, and you want to be inspired, and you want to say hi. Follow us on all those places.

It's at Sex with Emily So it's May it's still masturbation month. How's it been going for you? We are having a Contest a masturbation month contest and we actually extended it till June 18th and I'm so glad we did because I'm actually getting a slow start Am I masturbation month? I don't know about you, but if I can have a few more weeks to the masturbation plan We did extend the contest to June 18th. We want to know how is masturbation month. I don't know about you, but if I can have a few more weeks to the masturbation plan, we did extend the contest to June 18th. We want to know how is masturbation benefited your life and your sex life? What is it done for you? We want to hear your most heroic touching interesting inspiring stories about masturbation

Feedback at sex at elm.com by June 18th. Speaking of the masturbation month contest, okay, I've got a masturbation story for you. All right, so I've been having a few stressful few weeks and I guess there's always a lot of anxiety and stress going on and I typically, I have a lot of things in place to deal with anxiety. I exercise, I meditate, I masturbate. I was like, oh my God, I meditate, I masturbate. I was like,

oh my God, I'm realizing I'm really anxious. I thought, I haven't masturbated in probably 10 days, maybe two weeks. I thought, oh, okay, well maybe I need a little release here. That must be what it is. And so I laid in my bed. I looked down to get a vibrator because as you guys know, my house is like filled with vibrators. The only thing is, I was one of the things when I was out of town for a few days is I amazingly had my house is like filled with vibrators. The only thing is, I was, one of the things when I was out of town for a few days is I amazingly had my house redone while I was gone, like, redecorated and reorganized,

because the problem with my house is that it's, I had never taken the time to really organize everything and you open up every drawer in the house and there was like, vibrators that had been gifted to me. There'd been like, a drawers of used vibrators. There had been my nightstands next to my bed of like 15 charge vibrators ready to go, like very organized and I was like,

and literally they're probably the only things in my house that are organized, but they were gone. And I'm like, I don't have a vibrator in my house. This is amazing that this happened and I need a vibrator so I'm like, okay, but I know this is the right thing that I gotta do and I realize that they're in the garage. And they're in the garage and I'm like, naked, so I'm like, I'm not gonna walk in the

garage right now. I gotta have a vibrator. It's like someone else looking for, I don't know, lose change in their house. That's how many vibrators I have. So I start opening up little drawers, and I'm like, looking around like, there's gotta be. And then I see it. I see this box by Unbound.

You guys know I was subscription box. It was all wrapped up, and I was like, because I'm gonna give it to somebody, because I love our boxes. I'm like, okay, please, I was subscription box. It was all wrapped up and I was like, because I'm gonna give it to somebody because I love our boxes. I'm like, okay, please, I'm praying. I'm like, this has got to have a vibrator. Most of these goddamn boxes have a vibrator in it. So I opened it up and thank God there was an U by J.J. Which I love.

My heart opens for J.J. because one of my first favorite vibrators was a J.J. So I found the vibrator. I found some loob samples and it was amazing. I'm telling you, I was like, oh, release, I haven't had one. So just like you, I get it. I say this all the time too. I get why it's hard for women to make the time to masturbate.

Because when you're so busy in life, you forget that it feels good. You forget that there's so many benefits. And we just think, oh, it's okay. And with my partner and I've orgasms that way, but no, you guys masturbating when you are not in a relationship is just as important as when you're in a relationship. Because it's that time alone, it's self-loving, it's all about you and your body and your connections.

So I missed it. So I did that. I was like, oh, feeling great. You know, it was like the cloud's part in. My day fell a lot brighter and I was just like happy. And I was like, I'm with you. It know, it was like the cloud's part in my day full, a lot brighter. And I was just like happy. And I was like, I'm with you. It's my job to talk about orgasms and masturbation. But even I surrounded by vibrators

or not surrounded by them, I still often need it to release. So then I got the shower. I was getting ready for work. I was excited. And I just, I was thinking though, I was like, oh, yeah, that was fun. I'm so glad I figured this out. And then I got a little angry. I started thinking about all I was like, oh yeah, that was fun. I'm so glad I figured this out. And then I got, then I got a little angry.

I started thinking about all of these people in my life that I have either given vibrators to, or we've gifted to, and they're just like, there's the people I've given to, they're like, oh yeah, that sounds cool. I haven't quite gotten to it yet, or I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. And then there's those other people, and this is what made me sad. They say, oh, I don't need a vibrator. We don't have that problem. I thought, when did vibrators get a bad rap?

Like, who started the anti-vibrator coalition? Anti-guns, I told you understand that, but who decided that we shouldn't like vibrators and that they're going to, that they're bad for you, that they're going to replace you, that somehow, an orgasm that you have without a vibrator, with your fingers is somehow inferior, is the most superior to an orgasm that you have with a vibrator. I was thinking like, a lot of this has to do with, I think that men are fearful of being replaced,

that their penis is going to be replaced by something. So God, if this vibrator comes in the picture, that's just going to, our relationship's going to be replaced by something. So, God, you know, if this vibrator comes in the picture, that's going to, you know, that's just going to, our relationship is going to be over. And as I've told you, like, and as it's hopefully you realize, a vibrator doesn't cuddle, can't take you to dinner. And a vibrator also just makes things a lot different. It's a variety. I think a lot of us crave variety in relationships. And so I just kind of said that people are like classifying orgasms in different ways

that you can experience pleasure as like there's only way to go with your hands or through intercourse, which as we know, only 30% of women, if that have orgasms during intercourse. And then I think about the people who are just like, no, but by use of vibrator, I'm gonna get addicted to it, which again, it's not a thing. If you're having orgasm and pleasure,

now, I'm not telling you you have to use a vibrator every single time. So sometimes I live close to my office. And sometimes I want to walk to work. Because when you walk to work, you know, I could see the outdoors, I'm walking, I talk on the phone, and sometimes I drive to work. And sometimes I'll even over to work

if I know I have an event after. But the point is, all different ways I still get to the office, the same goal is accomplished. I get to work and sometimes I'll even over to work if I know I have an event after. But the point is all different ways I still get to the office, the same goal as accomplished, I get to work, I'm productive, I'm doing, I'm working, but I got there and it's all, it doesn't matter how I got there. So the same thing is I still got there, the same result, I had a great day at work. If you have an orgasm and you experience pleasure, does it matter if it came through fingers or tongue, you know, or your mouth or with a toy? It's all pleasure. So I just feel like this is another way. I just wanted you guys to take another look. I'm not like being a pusher. I'm just saying,

if you have these weird notions in your head that like there's something wrong with using a toy, we've got to still bring it out from hidden, you know, under the bed or something. No, I say like put your vibrator in that lube and every night's sound because that's my dream So happy masturbation once you I think you should get on it And a rant It's kind of sex in the news So recently you guys DJ Khaled revealed or the story got picked up that in 2015 He admitted in an interview that he doesn't perform oral sex on his wife because

there are different rules for men. He explains that you gotta understand, we the king, there's just some things y'all might not wanna do but it got to get done. I just can't do what you want me to do, I just can't. So he's basically saying that, you know, I get it, like I, he's like saying he doesn't love oral sex, he doesn want to go down on his wife Because he comes and say like I'm taking care of the house and the bills and whatever he says a while later And this is this article is interesting because it breaks down actually the history of oral sex DJ Khaled was not the first guy to say this Freud

theorize that men are terrified of the vulva because they subconsciously fear it will castrate them, which by the way, it will not. It will not castrate you. So attitudes in non-Western cultures have been different. So in China, Taoism taught that ingesting vaginal secretions would strengthen the Yang or the male essence, which is obviously true. And the common sutra was very clear that the more orgasms you give to women, the better. And this fear of the penis being replaced or not enough is very palpable throughout all these things, even with the descent towards the vibrator. People don't love the vibrators.

I think that there's this fear that your penis is not enough and that maybe your mouth isn't even enough or that your mouth is threatening your penis. And jokes that the vulva is dirty have a very long history. So the Romans consider the word clitoris and obscenity. So why do we do oral sex? Well, evolutionarily speaking, oral sex serves no pro-creative function. And there have been many theories as to what's driving the behavior. Like, why do we want to have oral sex if we can't have babies, which is why a lot of our sexual behaviors are driven evolutionary speaking.

And they think that maybe when a man went down on a woman, they were thinking that he's hunting for another man's sperm. And I've heard all these things about men. The tip of your penis is actually shaped thus it can pull out sperm, you know, like our, from our ancestors, like the cave man would come home and from killing, you know, wild boar. And then he'd use the tip of his penis and you have sex with the woman to pull out sperm. Have you guys heard that one as well?

So, but here we are today, in 2018, and I don't even know why there's a debate about oral sex. Why is there a debate about oral sex? Why is there a debate about vibrators? Why is there even a debate about squirting? I think it's funny, even the G-spot. All this stuff that we know feels amazing and benefits so many people and

though we all love it that I'm actually speaking to you that people are debating it. When we know that it feels so goddamn good but and I'm not bashing guys here at all. You guys know that my heart. I love love love men and I'm just here to help you. There are so many women out there that don't typically like to give blow jobs either. So I understand this is an equal opportunity oral ditching zone. So what I found about oral sex is that it comes down to the worry that we're just not good enough. So I think there's going to be many who say they don't like oral because they just feel

like they don't know what they're doing and they don't know that they're doing it right and saying with guys. And I think that women are much more in touch with, or from what I hear from women, they're like afraid of not going to be good enough. And from guys, I feel that there's many men who's like, nope, that's not my thing. I'm not going to do it because perhaps once they were told they weren't good at it or their partners doesn't seem to be pleased by it so they just stop all together. And they don't even remember that time that it happened where they didn't, where they were told that they weren't doing a good job.

And this goes for men and women. So that's like one, that's like one camp. And then there's the camp of men and women who I think really just don't like it. Like they just don't like doing it, you know, maybe you don't like the taste that you had about experience. But if that is the case, when you're like, yeah, there's just something about it. And I'm not sure to talk to your partner about it, communicate that I'm not sure what it is, but I really want to please you babe. And, um, and maybe give yourself a benefit of the doubt. Maybe it is that you don't know,

like you haven't really performed oral in someone to success or what success looks like in your book, but if that's the case, you guys, then talk to your partner about it. Just say, you know, babe, I've been feeling like I really want to perform oral. I know that that's something you're into. How can I do it better?

How could I please you? And really your partner can show you. You guys can do the home mutual masturbation thing. But my challenge here was around DJ Khaled. He just declares like, no, I'm the king and men should not perform oral sex, but expects that they should get a blowjob in return. And that's just furthering the double standard. And it's kind of a cop out. If his wife is cool with it, that's fine. But I just feel like he's missing out. And I think that that to really learn how to please your partner whatever that takes and whatever that looks like that once you really get there because it takes work you guys. Real great sex takes work that it'll

be so satisfying and I think that you'll forget that you might have had doubts about oral or anything else with sex. That's why I think every new partner is a new chance to co-create a new relationship and a new sex life. That's what I got to say about oral and DJ Khaled. Last you think that I'm just bashing the men of the world. My next sex of the news is a study that just came out which has been picked up everywhere. It says that men are put off by sex due to pressure to perform study says. So if the stereotype is to believe it's women who feign a headache and turn to their spouse with the words not tonight dear

But research suggests that it's actually Men you're often responsible for the lack of sex and the marriage because they feel under pressure to perform I review of 64 studies into couples loves eyes found that men are put off by the sex and the expectation They'll make the first move and my head almost exploded when I read this because I was like, one of the first myths that was busted or that shocked me when I started the show was finding out that actually I believed it. I believed that women were a little more timid

or frigid than men were the ones who always wanted sex. And this is such a common belief. And my head was also about to explode because I was like, oh wow, I hear from men a lot. And you guys email me, you're like, why won't my partner initiate? Why won't my partner initiate? But this takes it to a whole nother level.

Like, it makes sense that you'd want your partner to initiate. I mean, men, again, this is where my heart is wide and open. And every woman's different the way she orgasms. You guys have to make the first move oftentimes. Women are expecting you to make the plans for the date. I mean, that is a lot of pressure. But what I see here is that like, you want your partners to buy your ask me for her to initiate more sex is because you're like,

I'm actually worried that it's a whole thing for me to initiate because then I worry, am I going to perform? Am I going to please her? Maybe you feel like, you know, you haven't been beginning a long lately because the study goes on to say that just like women, here's another myth, a lack of emotional connection or fear that their partner finds some unattractive might also turn them off from a night of passion. So it's not just the women are worried about their looks and what they're doing in the bedroom, but men are equally as worried, which I know because I talk to all of you, but to see it here in a study that shows it, yep, it's equal opportunity here for men and women to put efforts into the relationship for initiating, for talking about what you need, for talking about how you even initiate sex and perform, and to kind of take the pressure off your partner.

I just think it's interesting that they show that the emotional connection is important for both halves of the couple, and there are these assumptions in our culture that women have a lower sexual desire than men, and it's abnormal for women to have a high sexual desire, or for men to have low sexual desire. So, research, this isn't the first study, you guys, but in recent years, it's shown that these gender-based assumptions about sexual desire are not supported by the data. And last night, I was at a dinner party, a all-women dinner party, and, you know, as typical when someone finds out what I do, this woman said, oh, I, um, she's in her 30s, mid 30s, and she just got married. And she says, it's so weird. She said, I've always wanted more sex. They've just got married but been together eight years. And she said, I just feel bad because I feel that I always want to take more sex with him. And that's something that she feels like

the sex-graced person. And that he just feels broken because he doesn't want it as much as he does because we're told that men should be always initiating. And that's why you really just do need to talk about in your relationship. Like, who's going to initiate? Like, I think that's the other thing that there's a lot of women I hear from who think, I don't even really know how. It doesn't feel right to me. But don't blame yourself because the study also says, you guys, I think we know that society

in general put the pressure on men to initiate sex. Even men feel this, even when they don't want sex, they feel they have to initiate. They worry they won't have erotic feelings or they will fail to perform and this can create a negative feedback loop which can ruin their love life. They feel like they have to initiate, they don't want to,

they're not ready because they want to talk as well. We all want to talk about our feelings and emotions. So my advice for both sexes and this article is to understand you guys that sexual desire and a relationship will ebb and flow. It's always going to be flipping around in a relationship even, you know, someone might want it more than the other. And even if you always kind of are the one person who wants it a little bit more than your partner, that's fine.

You just have to work within the confines of your relationship. So if you can get rid of the assumption that men have higher sex drives and something's wrong, if they don't, I think that you guys would be able to really kind of start from a level playing field in your relationship and say, what do we both want? And again, I've talked a lot about initiating sex. If you're in a relationship right now and you're like, yeah, you know what Emily, I hear you. I'm going to go home tonight.

I'm going to initiate dammit. I'm going to do it. But then I think you get to the front door and you're like, yeah, you know what Emily? I hear you. I'm going to go home tonight. I'm going to initiate dammit. I'm going to do it. But then I think you get to the front door and you're like, God, what do I do? I think it might be good for you, instead of just pressing yourself into doing it and feeling bad if it's not, if that hasn't worked yet, say to your partner, what does it look like for you? Me, you coming home and initiating sex. Because I think sometimes we just need more clarification. So your partner might say, well, you walk in the door and you drop to your knees and you give me a blowjob, or you walk in the door and we have dinner

and then you, you know, you, I don't know, put my hands back in handcuffs, so you blindfold me. Who knows, your partner may have a really clear sense of what it might just be like, lean over and kiss me and I know that's gonna be initiation. I think we create this thing in our head that, oh my God, initiating sex,

I got to roll out the sports sheets and I got to bring out the sex toys and the bells and the whistles and the sun has to be setting and we have to have fresh lobster. I don't know what you think, but for a lot of people, you're going to find out that it's literally turning towards your partner, giving them that look and giving them a kiss. And then, whoops, sex is off to the races. So I hope that this is inspiring everyone to go and have some awesome sex tonight. Okay, we're going to take a quick break, give a shout out to our sponsors, and we come back, we're going to get into your emails.

We're on to your emails, I love answering your questions, it's why I do what I do. If you'd like to question answered on the show, you can text Ask Emily. All one word to 7979, 7979, fill out the short form or go to my website, sexwithemily.com. Click on Ask Emily tab and include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Alright, this is from Alia, 26th in Washington. Hi Emily, so my husband and I have only been married for two years, but we recently had a baby.

We don't have a lot of time to have sex, so it's always a quickie. My husband hates performing oral sex, but still wants me to. I'm bisexual, and there are often times he just wants to have someone join us, but I'm just too jealous for that. How do I spice up our love life and go to perform oral sex or foreplay? And how do I shut him down about the threesome without hurting his feelings? Okay, Leah this there's a lot going on here But first let me get this straight. Let me play this back to you

You just had a baby You gave birth to like a human being came out of your vagina. You carry or yet to see section I'm not sure but you had a, you carried a child for nine months. And he's asking you for blow jobs and wants to outsource it to another woman who he might also disappoint because he doesn't want to go down on her. You had a baby sweetie, so I feel like a, and in fact, but I tell a lot of couples is you might just not be ready yet for sex and you might just need some foreplay. In fact, my recipe, if you guys came to see me, I would say, you know what? I think you got to give Alia some foot rub, some intimacy, you know, some back rub, some oral, like I think this is the time when you got to get off your feet and you need some some love and some pampering.

So you guys have been together for two years and I think that this is just some conversation you have to have with him because he does it. He hates oral sex and wants to be with someone else and you want to spice it up. Have you guys ever talked about your sex life? It sounds like things have moved really quickly. So if you've been together two years and you already have a baby, I'd say for a year of it, you've been pregnant and now you've a child. So I think you have to rewind to the very basic sex talk here and you've got to have this conversation with him straight up. I mean, you are telling me that he hates performing oral. So I'm just going to assume that he has said those exact words to you because remember sometimes

we put words in our partner's mouth. Maybe what time he said it's not his thing or he hasn't had experiences but what you're saying is he hates it. So if he actually said it, you could say, babe, I actually love oral sex. It feels really good. Can you tell me a little about what you hate about it? So he might say, you know, the taste. Well, you know, you could use flavored loob, but you can make sure that you buy shower I mean, I'm not gonna debate on that. He's got some kind of challenges around, you know, oral I just think there's ways around it. This is your husband. So you could give him options if it's that he doesn't

He's not sure that he's pleasing you. I mean, I've heard crazier things. He might say, oh, I do it all the time But it seemed like you didn't like it for all you know. Peacupels have very different experiences in the same relationship. So it feels like, well, I'm just not sure what you want. I tried a few times, men get thinking of short fuses around the stuff like we've talked about. So, little mutual masturbation could be great. If he's like, I'm not sure what you like, the two of you, you know, you touch yourself, he touches himself, and you figure out so you can get your oral sex. I don't think that you in any way need to give up oral sex in this relationship or your pleasure.

You can also get a toy. Just make sure that you're getting yours because, as I said, having orgasms are so important whether you're in a relationship, auto relationship, and definitely after you had a child, I think some orgasms would be amazing for you if you're not already masturbating. And then as for the assumption that you are bisexual and that he wants a mouse to join, especially right now when if you just had a baby, I'm assuming you're not really the mood

for entertaining or to have a threesome. So I don't know if you guys like arrange something around this or he assumes this is gonna be like a monthly thing, but if you're not really ready to have a threesome right now, I would tell him that that's something that's put on hold for awhile. So this is when you speak up, you guys the mom If you're not really ready to have a threesome right now, I would tell them that that's something that's put on hold for a while.

So this is when you speak up, you have the mom and the wife and the woman who is very, very specific needs that are required to be met and either he's in or he's out. So I think that there's that less worrying about his feelings and more worrying about getting your message across to getting what you need in bed. This is from Emma, 22, Australia. Hi, Emily. I've been with my boyfriend for eight years. He's amazing and we have regular sex.

It feels good, but I've never orgasmed. My boyfriend tries to go down to me and do things for me even when he's had an orgasm. He's always willing to keep going on me, but I never feel comfortable enough to be pleasure-loan because I know I either won't like it or even if I do, he'll be going forever before anything is even close to an orgasm. I also don't masturbate because I don't think it feels good.

I've tried with toys too, but I just get over it after a few minutes. It's almost like I begin to climax and then when I'm about to orgasm, everything fizzles out and I lose interest, thoughts. Okay Emma, this is a great question. I think you sound just like how I felt about your age. I wasn't really sure either about sex and what felt good, but this is really all about you. Happy masturbation month.

This is the perfect month to do it. And taking the time to just go for it. To figure out your body, there is no quick fix here. You have to put in the time, but you guys, this is fun. Like I'm telling you, Emma, that you should try to kneel, go to bed a little earlier, or wake up in the morning a little earlier, or just take a quick break, you could take 20 minutes, 30 minutes by yourself without the goal of orgasm, just touching yourself. And realizing like where your rod in this owns are, how do you orgasm?

What makes you feel good? And you said that you used a toy for a few minutes. Well, maybe you need to go in a lower setting or some for some women a vibrator can be a little strong at the beginning. You can use it over your underwear, try some lube. I mean, the reason why we don't all orgasm so easily is because we're all different. So we literally have, it's an inside job. We literally have to do this on our own.

So I can give you all the tools. I can give you a lot of suggestions, but I'm a, you're the only one that's going to be able to figure out. And I think you're also willing your head about this too. So you're already going into sex with this notion and masturbation that nothing feels good and nothing's gonna work, which I can also relate to kind of having that tape in your head that plays back all these things. But remember, they're not true. So the next time you sit down with yourself or with your partner, just try to be present and focus and breathe, I mean

like focus on your breath and the sensations you're feeling in your body and anytime you have those thoughts that are defeatist and that's not going to happen just watch them go past you and go back to your breath and what you're feeling in the moment whether it's in masturbation or connecting with your partner. And also it's okay that this is a journey towards orgasm. You're not wrong. We don't have to fix you. Nothing is broken. All I'm asking you to do is take some time, some self-loving in your bedroom to figure out your body. And this is going to be good.

And you're going to love it. You're welcome. Let me know how it goes. Thanks Emma. This is Daniel who wrote me on Instagram, which again, I love hearing from you everywhere. You guys can message me on Instagram, but best to do it through the website. But Daniel, hey Emily, so here's a few questions that came up while listening to your incredible podcast. Number one, is it weird for guys to moan louder than a chick during sex?

I've been told that it's not for your masculine to be louder than her. Number two, what are your thoughts on chick's eating a guy's ass? I've had that happen to be twice, with different girls, and it felt amazing, but I'm a little shame to talk about it. Number three, should I be ashamed that I prefer a girl take control during sex? I also take control, but I like it when she knows what she wants and isn't shy about taking the reins.

As you can tell, there's a common theme with my questions. Thanks again for taking the time to answer and keep slaying. Okay, Daniel, these are all great questions. Yes, there is a common theme here. And the common theme I understand is that you want to know, are you normal? Is it okay that you're experiencing things that society has maybe set up aren't typically, or what you've heard from your friends aren't typically the male role? So let's break this down. So is it weird for guy to mownl out of the chick during sex? I've been told some ass

then to be louder than her. Where did you hear this? I've never even heard that. I mean, I think that it's really hot to just be loud and express yourself when you orgasm and to do you. Because that's the last thing we all need to be thinking is how do I sound? What does my face look like when I orgasm? So I think if you're feeling it, be loud. Do your thing, make your noises.

My thoughts on chick eating guys ass. My thoughts are yes. And especially because you've had it happen to you twice and it felt amazing. There's so many nerve endings and there's so much to play with, you know, and our, our anus. So I say yes, go for it. And you got to get rid of that shame, honey. Shame holds so many of us back from having the sex we want. We pre-dudge ourselves and we stop ourselves from having experiences so I don't think that if you're with someone you could just say I think we're really hot if you lick my ass Let's take a shower or what do you think about that or you know play turns me on to that turn you on

I mean because I know I try to make it a lot easier, but sometimes just say it like just ask the question It's better than not asking and as long as you do it in a in a tone I know I try to make it a lot easier, but sometimes just say it. Just ask the question. It's better than not asking. As long as you do it in a tone, that's not a accusatory. Why don't you over lick my ass? You're like, God, ass play is really fun for me. What about you there? You did it.

You said it, and you're getting your needs met. That's my thing about analicking. I think analicking. 2017, I think, was the year of analicking. It's just it's going strong. Men and women, they're all over it. Should I be ashamed that I prefer a girl to take control during sex? I also take control.

No, I mean, there's no shame. You should not be shamed. You shouldn't be worried that you're not normal here. I'm gonna tell you no. Don't be shamed and asked for what you want. There's a lot of people who switch. They like to be dominant. They like to be submissive.

And I think that you're gonna find a woman who's just dying to dominate you. And the sooner that you speak this to your partner, that you're gonna have sex I think that you're going to find a woman who's just dying to dominate you and The sooner that you speak this to your partner that you're going to have sex with that you're having sex with The sooner you're going to be dominated. So how about that all you're telling you is Daniel You have my okay to go out into the world and ask for all these things and have incredible sex and the only thing stopping you is you Talking about it. Thanks Daniel.. I wanna hear about all this. This is from Gilbert, 43 in New York. Dear Emily, do women really want to be approached

anytime and anywhere? Laundromat, parks, supermarket? After a date, is it okay to just ask if she wants to have sex? Also, is it true that women are more open to casual sex? I ask this because of the hashtag MeToo Movement. I'm a nice guy. I'm just lonely in life, I need physical touch.

Oh god, we all need physical touch. I totally understand that Gilbert. So this is a really important question, especially in the wake of all the MeToo. And I feel like it makes sense that you might be a little confused right now about women one and thinking twice, which I think isn't a bad thing that a lot of men are kind of fearful if they've maybe been appropriate in the past. And I feel for you because all we're getting now is a lot of criticism about men and what

they're doing, what they did wrong, but we're not getting a roadmap for how to move forward. So as far as you approaching women, it's totally fine to approach a woman wherever you know, strike up a conversation. If you just approach a woman and you're not creepy and you just start talking to her because you're both waiting for your laundry to dry and then you strike up a conversation and you think she's attractive and you ask her out, I wouldn't lead with, hey, you want to go have sex. I just, I would just try to like have a conversation and see if you actually like this person.

If she's into you too, I think as long as you're mindful and your approach and you're more focused on a guy that she likes and someone she wants to hang out with rather than just saying, hey, do you want to have sex? That's what I would say about talking to me and approaching women. When I've most of the guys I've met and that I've dated, I've met in real life. Like, I've met them at a conference or at a restaurant or walking down the street literally. So it wasn't like they had some magic pick up line, they were just cool guys and I started talking to them and no, it's not because they looked a certain way, or anything else.

It's like for me, and for a lot of women, if a guy approaches you with confidence, and he makes you feel safe, and you have a good conversation, you're pretty much gonna be able to meet a lot of people that way. And I also understand that it takes practice. So Gilbert, this might make you a little nervous, but the more you just talk to women,

without even the goal of like wanting to sleep with them, I promise you, this will make life so much easier for you and probably just easier to find women and talk to women. You'll probably make a lot more friends this way as well because even to woman decides she doesn't want to sleep with you, she might have a really cute friend. And as far as is it okay just to ask her if she wants to have sex? I mean, let me ask you this. I mean, think about it.

If you're just like had a great day and you guys are leaving the restaurant or whatever you did and you're walking down the street and you just said, hey, you want to have sex, I mean, let me ask you this. I mean, think about it. If you're just like, had a great day and you guys are leaving the restaurant or whatever you did and you're walking down the street and you just said, Hey, you want to have sex? I mean, I know if a guy said that to me, we're having a great day and he's like, one of sex, I probably go running away. I'm like, Oh, I'm piece out. It's off-putting. It's kind of be kind of jarring when we're just getting along and we're talking. So I would say no, that could be very weird and awkward for a woman. And the best thing to do is just kind of gauge how you guys are connecting to each other.

Is there chemistry? Do you want to kiss or like, I'd much rather have a make-out session and then kind of we're both getting into it. And then we kind of know where it's going to go next rather than just abruptly saying, let's go have sex. So I think that what we're talking about here is a little bit of you slowing down and practicing talking to women and talking to

people and making connections because once you make authentic connections with people and it's not just about sex and it's not just about like hearing your loneliness because we can all smell desperation, okay? It's an ugly ugly alone. We can smell it men and women. We put it out there. But the more that you practice talking to people are just having a fuller life and a community around you you're gonna be so much You're gonna be a better place to meet more people and more confident in your skin and It'll make life a lot easier and you probably won't have the same questions about Escalating towards sex because the truth is once you're in the space of truly being yourself,

being authentic, being confident, and coming from a place of strength, you're not going to be wondering what comes next, what comes next, because it'll just flow, which is what happens when people have a real connection and chemistry, it's a flow. So that's why I think you got some work cut out for you. But this is fun, Gilbert. I'm telling you to go out and talk to women and get into a good group with yourself. This is from Chris, she's 37 in Florida.

Dear Emily, my boyfriend watches porn while he's at work. I've noticed recently that he's been looking at porn with teen or virgin stepdaughter or schoolgirl and things like that. It concerns me because we have five daughters in our home. The oldest is 19 and not his. Is this something that I should be concerned by? This is just the latest and a long line of things I don't know what to do anymore, please help.

Chris, okay. If you're asking me, I'm just gonna take guess here that you're concerned because I'm concerned too. Yes, I think we should be concerned. Not like, we'll girls of the five daughters in your house for a minute, but he watches porn while he's at work. What kind of job does he have? So he's watching porn at work. That's one thing. And you're noticing that he's looking at porn with teen or virgin set-daughters, and you have had other things that go have gone in your house that are giving you concern. So I would say that the

porn is a symptom, maybe, of some other things that are happening of concern. So I would say that the porn is a symptom maybe of some other things that are happening of his disregard perhaps. Well, number one for rules, if he's master meeting at work, although I don't know, I'm not, well, I'm not saying I'm not in Florida. Florida is part of the United States. But I think that, yeah, this sounds like you just have to have some talk with him because I might be a little concerned about my daughters and if there's been some other signs, I'm not saying that, you know, it's very common for men to watch young teen porn, I think is really common,

but I feel like, again, this is a symptom of some deeper challenges in your relationship. So rather than going after this and say, why are you looking at porn? Are you gonna do something to our daughters, my daughters, I think that you guys need to have the talk about your sex life and your relationship and the things that are happening, Chris, your relationship, the latest and long line of things.

I would write all those things down and see what the common theme is in there. It's probably something about, I don't know what, I'm just going to guess, it could be disrespect, it could be that he's not willing to compromise, it could be that he's not showing love, or not showing caring, or you don't feel safe, but I'm sure that all of the things have a very common denominator that are being exuded

by your boyfriend, and I think those are the things that you should really take a look at, and it's probably not necessarily only about this porn, but I would have this conversation sooner than later, Chris. And I think that you know this, and that's why you emailed me, and I'm so glad you did. I hope the second you hear this,

that you start having these talks. I hope when you hear this, you have that conversation right now. Thank you, Chris. Okay, guys, thank you for a fun show. Thank you for listening to the show, and don't forget to send in your masturbation routines by June 18th.

I hope I've inspired you guys to pick up the habit again to make it part of your life. And I love hearing from you and I just love you all. Thanks for listening. Thanks guys. The amazing team Ken Jenny volunteer Sarah, producer Jamie and Michael was good for you. Email me feedback at sexwithmly.com. e-mail me feedback at sexwithmlead.com.