Sex With Emily - An Orgasm Denial Trial

Episode Date: February 27, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about orgasm denial – what that means, and how can you use it to focus on all your pleasure. Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions. She discusses what orgasm denial is and how can you make it super hot, some workarounds to having sex in public to satisfy your partner’s kink, and how to make pegging more enjoyable for the receiving partner. Plus, how to help support and deal with a partner who has sexual trauma.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Bacter Emily and on today's show I'm talking about orgasm denial. What does that mean? And how can you use it to focus on all your pleasure? Plus I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include what is orgasm denial? And how can you make it super hot? So you like to peg your partner but he's not as into it. What can you do to make it more enjoyable? So sex in public seems to be one of your partner's kinks. What are some workarounds? And how to help support and deal with a partner who is sexual trauma. All this and more. Thanks for listening. Best by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got everything. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. And you can also find us on social media. It is sex with Emily across the board. All right, intentions with Emily. I ask everyone

to set an intention, if it feels good to you, at the top of the show, to think about, you know, what you'd like to get out of listening to this episode and how it could help you. So maybe it's like, oh, I just want to find some new moves to add to my repertoire in the bedroom. Or maybe you're like orgasm to know, what is that? Could that help me have more pleasure in the bedroom? My intention was to give you lots of ideas in one episode to help you add to your sexual two belts and give you just more ways to get pleasure because we all deserve it. All right, guys, enjoy the show. I want to do a little fantasy breakdown for you, okay?

So we've done this before. We talked about some fantasy, some common fantasies, maybe not so common fantasies, so an actual step-by-step, and maybe peak your curiosity about something you wanna try. So this is orgasm denial. That's actually a fantasy. So here's what it is.

So it's a little bit kinky, right? It's when you're with, it could be done during solo play or with a partner, but kinky with a partner. And essentially, they're denying you from orgasms. So, it's a power play thing. They're, you know, you're getting close, but they don't allow you, you know, you have to ask their permission to finish.

They don't allow you to finish until they say you can finish. And maybe they're teasing you. They're coming in and they're playing with your genitals and they're rousing you and they pull away and then they come forth and they pull away. And it's that anticipation, right? That makes it really hot. So here's an example, like let's say things are getting

super hot and heavy in the bedroom and you're getting turned on and your partner tells you, like, don't move. And maybe they tie your hands to the bed, consensually tie your hands to the bed. And then they start to touch your body all over. They know what feels good, right? They're kissing your neck, your breast, your,

this goes for either one man or women. They're kissing your thighs, everything. But they're not kissing your genitals. Nope, you want them to. Because when you know the closer you get, like the teasing and the anticipation, maybe they're tracing their tongue or their fingers around your inner thighs, your knees and your neck and they're tracing down and they're maybe they're even blowing on your like blowing

on your genitals or like like doing something like that but they're not touching it. And then you get to the point where you're so aroused that you're like begging right? You're begging, you're like, ah, you know, God, I just, please touch me. I want you to touch me. And then maybe they start. They tease you. They're like, okay, I'm gonna start. I'm gonna use my tongue or I'm gonna use a toy.

I'm gonna put your penis in my mouth. And then I'm getting closer and about to orgasm and then boop, they stop. They stop touching you. So it's your deling it. And they repeat it a few times. So you get the rise and the fall of the arousal and the turn on,

which is actually, do you think about it? Really hot. And I think that we don't often play in this realm because we think, well, I just want to orgasm. I want to make sure I orgasm. I don't want to fuck with that. I'm already turned on. But there's something to be said for this, you know, anticipation of pleasure.

Like that's why it is a really sexy thing to do because when you build up and you go slow, it can feel amazing. And with a partner and you have to be strict, it's kind of like, okay, babe, I can't even if I'm begging you, you know, you can't allow me to orgasm. And you're giving them a little power. It allows you to be more submissive. And so I think that can be hot. Now, if you're on your own, I also think if you can kind of play the devil's advocate

to yourself and really deny yourself of pleasure, it works sort of like edging during masturbation where you're starting to, you know, maybe, and I am all for teasing ourselves when we're getting aroused and like not going right for the, that is my vibrator impression. Mmm, knock it out. And you're done. And I'm out. And I got my orgasm pop it off, which I am glad you are going to have an orgasm. But when you learn to tease yourself, you also are a learning different erogenous zone. You can think, oh, I didn't know that the inner thighs or like my pubic mound area is

really a turn on for me or the back of my thighs or anything that feels good. Touching yourself can do that to you. It's like feather tickles and different ways to touch. And then you realize that and then you like are denying yourself and then maybe you sort of touch yourself, touch yourself and you're getting close to orgasm and you gotta be strong enough to pull away and to let it build and let it drop. And so you're teaching yourself orgasm control and you're teaching yourself, orgasm control, and you're teaching yourself a jackatory control. This is what we tell a lot of men to do

who are struggling with ejaculating before they want to. And that's a great way to do it. It's just typically edging, the way you're getting to the point of return and then you're slowing it back down. I love this fantasy because I think it's something new. It's something easy to try with your partner that just kind of fun and does that sound hot? Like I get a turn on thinking about it.

Yeah, I do this to myself sometimes, but I really want to try it with a partner. Yeah. It's hard to explain, I think, in certain senses when you're with a partner, especially if it's in the moment. Well, so I think you just discussed it ahead of time. The most important thing is to discuss it with your partner before you bring it into the bedroom, because let's be honest, it could be really annoying to your partner that doesn't know you're trying to do it. Yeah.

They're like, what are you doing? Where are you going with your mouth on my vagina? Volvo, why did you leave the room? But if you know about it and you're like, okay, you know it'd be really hot if we do this orgasm denial. We've actually got two great blogs on our website. So talk them ahead of time and let them know why.

Like, it's a time to explore new sensations, which you guys, we don't do this enough. We do not. We are so limited in the kind of touch we think it feels good and the kind of the positions that we do and there's just so much to it. So, when you're doing this orgasm denial sensation or fantasy, you are exploring new sensations,

play with different pressures and touches and textures and temperatures. Play with some ice and play with some massage candles, feathers and necklace, vibrators, blindfold. This is when you can play with all these sensations that can feel amazing and lead to your arousal. Now this isn't like an excuse to be like, I'm just don't wanna give my part in orgasm and I'm gonna time up and leave the room. So it's a shared experience.

I'm so missed. And the truth is, right, I'm tying you up and I'm going to Walgreens. Oh no! I don't know, I'm gonna run an errand. It's terrible. Terrible, terrible, that's not what you do here. So I think it's a shared experience.

And so in a way, it might seem selfish, but it's super sexy because all of your focus is on your partner's pleasure and the pleasure of teasing them and bringing them to a rousal and And at a different in a different way. And like you really will discover other ways like I didn't know how great it felt for you to like tease my neck or play with just my left nipple and not my right, because how else would we know? But if we don't play, so this is kind of a playful way to turn on your partner orgasm denial. Yeah, I like this because for me,

one of my goals, which is to be able to orgasm without touching myself. The mind gasm. The mind gasm or the breath gasm or however, and you do realize that the longer you go without actually touching yourself, like your body parts just start to feel like crazy. Awesome.

But cool and you're just, because it is that like you are frustrated with yourself, because you're like, no, I really wanna touch myself, but if you're like resilient, one in TGZ willpower. Yes, which is hard to have that willpower. It's really hard. So try to channel this if you're not trying not to eat that fits slice of pizza. And then to, it really does, you realize how much that anticipation actually feels good.

The climax is just the climax, but the buildup is awesome. Buildup is magic. I mean, that's when people say, how do I multiple orgasms or how do men have multiple orgasms? Like, it's about this teasing and knowing like your edge and stuff. So, I think you guys should check out the blog and talk to your partner about this or do it tonight when you're masturbating.

I have a question about my gasms. Yeah. What a wet dream be considered a form of a mind gasm. Yeah, it would. Thinking about it, because you're having a dream about the sexual activity. Ah. It would be an indirect mind gasm. Nice. Yeahgasm. Yeah, it would. Thinking about it, because you're having a dream of sexual activity. We'd be an indirect mind-gasm. Nice.

Yeah. Yeah. We're talking about thinking yourself, thinking yourself off, breathing yourself off. Totally possible. It's my goal, too. I haven't worked towards it yet.

Right, I've been out. Taking breaks, it's hard, because you really do just want to- Just want to get, you just want to not go now. Exactly. But the reason why I'm telling you about this orgasm denial thing is, because I know that you all want to have different kind of sex. I know that sex just want to get, you just want to not point out. Exactly. But the reason why I'm telling you about this orgasm denial thing is because I know that you all want to have

different kind of sex. I know that sex is going to get boring and stale and wrote with the same person over and over again, even if you've been with 10 people and the sex are the same, which is typically what happens. You're like, this is just like having sex with this person. I'm doing the same positions. This is something that is actually,

I love this orgasm denial because it has all the built-in elements of slowing down, connecting with your partner, exploring all the other rodent zones, and more likely to lead to orgasm. Like to me, great elements of a fantasy right there, a fun thing to do. And I think it takes the pressure, like, or the focus of goal-oriented orgasms, like, off the table. Yeah. Like, it makes it easier, like, to just focus of goal oriented orgasms, like, off the table, like, it makes it easier like to just be in your body. Right, because you're not focused on orgasms,

you're focused on pleasure, which is what we want you to do anyway. Like, I don't want sex to be this linear thing where you're only focusing on orgasm. Let's be honest, we all know that that's what we're looking for. But when you let go of that attachment to the orgasm, you're more likely to have one, and then you're like, wow, I can't wait for you.

Then you have other things on the menu when your partner says, what feels good? You can say, oh, I actually really like the way you were touching me the other night when we were doing that thing. And so it's not like you have to, it's a learning tool. We're gonna take a quick break and we come back, we're gonna get into your calls. Tracy, 30 in Utah.

Hi Tracy, how can I help? Hi. Hi, thanks for calling. Um, yeah, no problem. My husband and I have been together for eight years. And when we have anal, when I penetrate him, it hurts him. Oh, okay. We have done a lot of different things, anal

ease, which kind of numbs everything. Hmm. And still have hurt. We approach it really slow. Yeah. Well, if he's just, it's uncomfortable. Well, did he ask for it? Earlier approach it really slow. Right. So why are you doing it? Does he say he still wants to do it? Well, he still wants you to. I like. And so it's not necessarily something that he wants necessarily. It's something that I like. Oh, he goes with it. I see.

For me. Okay. Well, maybe you just need a smaller toy. We have a very small toy. I mean, like fingers, nothing. Okay. So Tracy, what is it that you like about it? Like what part of it?

What is it giving to you in that moment, you know? It's not it. It's not it's taboo. It's not happening to know? It was naughty. It's naughty, taboo. It's not happening to me. Ha, right. It's like, it's not so tough. I mean, I like anal tooth and it's great. And it's fine with me and stuff, but it's just switching things up.

But, you know, I hear you. So you want him to enjoy it, right? So I feel like, do you think he's tensing up? Is he, because really that's, yeah. Okay, so he's got a breathe. It helps if he's already aroused and maybe he already has an orgasm or he's tensing up, is he, because really that's, okay, so he's got a breathe. It helps if he's already aroused and maybe he already has an orgasm or he's really turned on and he's ready for it. And you use a ton of lube, like so much lube and then more lube. And you use good lube and you reapply it. And then you, you got to pay, he's got to make sure

that he's breathing. Like you, you breathe, you inhale, you exhale when you enter it and you inhale when he's exhaling is when you can enter. So you know I'm saying like you guys can do a breath thing, inhale, pause, exhale, enter. And then he can be breathing with that. I'm just make sure that he's relaxed. But if it's hurting him, we do want to stop. Like do not do it if he's hurting.

So I'm just trying to figure out you want to do something taboo, is there something else that you could maybe do that would give you just as much pleasure? And him pleasure. Like we are all for trying new things. What about some other kind of penis, like a vibrating cock ring or something,

or a penis vibrator, a penis simulator, like the hot octop is a cool one, like something that he could get turned on in a rouse to help him relax also. So if he's already has an erection and you do it, that could help tie him up. That is a good idea. Yeah, there you go.

Full of them, full of good ideas. So check it out, it has to work out. You're so welcome, Tracy. Let me know how it goes. Here to help. It was interesting. It is interesting that she wants it. It's taboo.

This is what I'm talking about. Well, why does she want it? Well, what is it? Because he's having pain. And we can give you some adjusts, but what are you trying to, what do you want to feel in the moment that you're having sex? Like, what is it about wearing a strap on and penetrating your partner's anus that is, and she's saying it's taboo.

It's powerful. It makes her feel a certain way. So now that we know that, we can give you some other things that might give you that same power. Maybe there's some kind of chassis thing. Yeah, I was trying to get the lock up as penis in a cage. It's not like I was thinking, before I actually saw chassis about,

I actually pictured like a bird cage with a lock on it. No, literally same thing. I imagined a giant metal diaper type situation. And that's why I was like, I couldn't figure it out. I was like, how do you pee? Right. If you have this on. Right. And then I saw one and I was like, oh, that's not even scary. It looks like a slinky. It looks like a slinky, exactly with a little lock on it. And that could be, it sounds like she might be into domination, dumb sub. And

maybe he, I'm sure he is too, if it's her husband, he's consenting. So there just, maybe there's some other power play things they could look into. Like she could tie him up. She could tie him up. And like maybe he's into spanking. Maybe he wants to be spanked. That's taboo for many. Maybe he wants to like maybe she can like do some orgasm denial with him like while he's tied up or something. Exactly.

She can be like, you can't come yet. You can't come to like tell you to come. It's like the best kind of torture. Yes. Because you know you're going to get there eventually. And it makes the orgasm that much more intense and exciting. And it's fun and it's playful and couples who engage in like whatever the spectrum of power play is.

It could just be like words. Don't come to it, tell you to come. It could be holding your hands above, you know, above their head or pinning them back with your hands. It could be you're putting their cock in a cage. All that stuff counts on the spectrum of things that are, you know, power play, dominant or submissive or taboo, like all those things fall under that same umbrella.

We could talk to Wendy, 31. In Los Angeles, hi Wendy, what's going on? How can I help? Hi, good evening. Can you hear me? I got you. Yep. Oh, okay.

I just had. Yep. Okay. I just had a question. So my partner is very, I guess, spontaneous. And he likes to have sexual encounters in public places. And I mean, sometimes it's just not okay. You know, it's not like the best place you know

it is there's anything like that would be an alternative to that or get the same kind of like excitement yeah have you asked him what part of having sex in public turns them on like is it that he could get caught is it that it's just taboo i think it's the whole getting caught thing because we've I've kind of like asked them like what is it you know about it and he's just like well you know the fact that it's like anyone could you know come up at that moment or anyone you know could stop it right. Okay and I get it and you don't want to do it like sitting in the wherever, where does

he want to do it? That it doesn't work. Where did you guys do it that you felt bad? You felt like this is not cool. Okay, so he has like a higher, I guess, truck and like it's more visible like to be able to see it and like right outside of like like a stop sign, he would like park and you'd be like, oh, you know, like, you know, give me head at this time or whatever, so it's like where people are passing by.

Yeah, well Wendy, what are you into? Okay, I get it. I get the picture of him in the truck and you giving him a blowjob at the stop sign. And I wanna know Wendy, what do you wanna do? I mean, it, it, what are you into? I mean, I would want to, you know, like, enjoy, make him enjoy the moment or like, get

experience like whatever he wants. But it's just some places are not... It's not safe or legal. So I would say, like, what if it's just out, like, I'm trying to think because all of it is like, how about in like your backyard or, um, I was going to say like, in a car, but not a high car, not like a big truck parked on the side of the gonna say like in a car but not a high car not like a big truck parked on the side of the road or like in the driveway. It's a tough one if it's not what you're into because it's then you won't have any fun.

So if he wants to be daring and try something different you know like what about if you guys go to hotel like I we've all done I mean not we've all we've talked about this like a balcony at a hotel or a rooftop. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, like something like that where you're like, I don't know, I feel like, you know, I don't want you to get forced to doing things

you don't want to do. But you could also, like, if there's some great toys now that are like remote control sex toys where you could control it with your phone, you could be wearing it, he could be wearing it, like he could wear a cock ring, and you could wear a panty vibe, like the moxie from Wevibe. And you could be playing around with like being flirty in public, and like maybe you, you know, you're in a restaurant, you're both wearing the toys, and you're like playing with the apps and having, or you know, that could be something that's kind of fun.

You could get caught for getting each other off in public but no one can see because it's in your pants okay yeah yeah just I mean I would get some more information remember I would not put yourself in a situation that doesn't feel comfortable for you but I think you guys can find some things and I also want to know what you want Wendy I know you want to please him but what would be hot for you what's your fantasy maybe there's a way to incorporate both. Two for one. Yeah, I mean, I never thought about anything like that. Well, it's becoming more daring for him. Like before it was just like, oh, maybe it just happened that, you know, he got excited at this moment.

And then we just went for it. But now it's becoming like... Like every time? Every time? Yeah, well Wendy, how does that feel? Like I said, it's something like it would be like maybe like ones to try like just to you know get out of the way, but Now it's becoming more you know, it's escalating. Yeah, and that could be like I want to make sure that you have boundaries around this and that you know It's okay not to fulfill all of his stuff because it's dangerous. You could get arrested. If he has this like I want to keep, you know, up in the ante, I want you probably has like that, you know, thrill.

He gets a thrill for, you know, breaking the law for taking risks, high risk taking behaviors. It's actually, you know, it's a character trait like people who take high risks and other areas and stuff like he's fries a fast truck. Maybe it does all these things. I'm telling you is that I want you to figure out what you like and don't let him push you to a point Where it doesn't work out for you. So just to make sure you take care of your needs Wendy. Thanks for calling I think it's a really good time when your partner starts making demands that don't feel great to you to remember that a you have a choice You don't have to do it and be what a great time to think about what would turn you on. Because I know I recognize her being a pleaser and I used to always want to do what my partner wanted and then I'm like, what about me? This is what I like. Hey, what if we both get turned on? How about that? Okay, let's talk to James

39 in West Virginia. Hi James, thanks for calling. What's going on? Hi. Well, um, I've been married, me and my wife have been married for almost 17 years and I were going down on her, but it seems like the only way that I can get her off that way is if I like blow on her clip. All right. My lip. Cool. Well, I mean, after a while, my lips get numb and it's like, sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

Like, doing like the motorboat? Like, like that? Got it. So, that's the only way. Okay, so have you ever tried anything else? Have you ever tried a vibrator? Have you tried your fingers? We used toys and then stopped, but I was trying to find another way or a way to do it because I mean I enjoy it as much as she does. Right, but it takes a while. I would say, do you have, you bought toys, have you bought the womanizer? We haven't bought that.

No, I've bought the heat first, like little like bullet, like a butter one that's like, I don't know, probably three inches long. Okay. It's re-tortgable, waterproof, all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, that's cool. So does that work too? I mean, I'm trying to think what else you can do. Yeah, I mean, could you use your fingers with the vibrator?

Could you use your mouth and then use a toy and then go back with your mouth? Are you looking for totally other ways you mean? Like different, like, yeah. I mean, honestly, it's fingers, mouth, hands, toys, using lube, she could like, rub up against you like on your leg. She could, I've done anything of what else. I mean, that's pretty much what you do.

Have you ever gone down on her like over her underwear? Like over it, like sometimes there's a really cool sensation where you breathe on it, like you could like breathe, like warm air and like the scent, it like really stimulates all her nerve endings. Yeah, yeah, I mean years ago. Well, try it again. It doesn't mean it expired.

I know. I mean, I feel like it's like a different sensation, like the different kinds of underwear, like lacy underwear or cotton underwear, it all feels really different. So it sounds like she just really likes like, like, clearal stimulation. So I think playing in all the toys are different. Like the womanizer is a different than any other toy or the melt by Wevibe 2 is a great one for couples play. Well, they're all great, but it's like that suction

and it's a great holiday gift. I'm just telling you, everyone loves womanizer. If you love oral sex, it's, she loves oral sex. It's the thing that I found, the one toy that I found that closely, the most closely, stimulates oral sex. Okay. Okay thing that I found, the one toy that I found that closely, the most closely simulates oral sex. Okay. Okay. So check those out. Yeah. You're so welcome, James. I feel like for oral, like I'm trying

to think, what am I not thinking? There's so many things, but it's really like your toys, your hand, your mouth. I mean, I clearly, like he says, 17 years, he knows she's not going to orgasm through penetration. You'll get it. Play with something. They should go to a sex toys store together and go shopping. This is the other thing if you're listening. It might be fun to go to a sex toy store where you get where you live and go shopping.

And like, kind of, here's a hot tip. If you go testing vibrators, if you test them on the tip of your nose, you can tell how it's going to feel on your clitoris. Fun fact. So maybe you could go pick out some fun gifts to play with. Oh, also some of that cooling stuff and stuff that you blow on.

Oh, yeah. System Joe has some really nice, we both did this for something. What's called the Jolt or the Volt? Jolt. And it's literally a bolt, Jolt. It has this tingling sensation that you get on your clitoris. So yeah, play with the senses.

I love. Wow. I got to find that because I know I have the art. It's Arctic is the cool one. Arctic, right. And I miss that. That's good. Shit. Makes me go.

We have like cinnamon or something. What is it? Jamie and I, right, we were doing a, we were testing it together. Oh, we were doing for the podcast. We were doing an ad read. We're doing an ad read. And we're like, oh, well, why don't we actually be using it? So I went in the bathroom, I put out my clitoris, this has happened in our office. Jamie goes, puts on, and then

we record the ad read and describe what we're feeling with this tingley sensation. Yeah, it was real time. I wonder how I wonder if they, I'm sure they heard from a lot of people in real time, in real time. It does work. It does work. Everything we talk about in the show, you can find at sexwithamily.com and in the nav bar just look at show notes. Everything we've talked about for the last year will be there. Okay, let's talk to Tim64 in Iowa. Hi Tim, thanks for calling and for holding. Hi, thanks for taking my call.

Of course. Hey, I got a, it's like a topic, maybe you could expound on it. I don't have the issue, but like for to educate men on how to treat women that have had sexual, you know, rapes or molesting or something. Trauma. I just thought it would be something interesting, you know, that you could share with your first person.

Did you have a specific question or do you want me to just talk about you want to take it off line or do you want to show? Okay. Yeah, I'll could share with your first. Oh, sure. Did you have a specific question? Or do you want me to just talk about you on take it offline? Or do you want me to talk about? Sure. Yeah, I'll just take it offline. It would be a good topic. It's a great topic. And we've touched on it, but absolutely. I will get into that now.

Thanks, Tim. Great, great topic. Okay, so if you are with a partner, man or woman who's had sexual trauma, the first thing is, you know, if they've shared that with you, you just have to, you know, be comforting and be empathic. But I have to tell you, the really the only way, if you have sexual trauma, the only way that I've seen that helps you kind of move it through your body and not have it be controlling your sex life and your decision making and all

these things is therapy. Because because otherwise a lot of these sexual situations are still going to be charged for you. It's still going to be like, oh god, it mean you could be raped or sexually molested when you're like a young kid and then at like 35-40 you're having sex and it's still triggering. So for what I've found the most help is different kinds of therapy. In particularly EMDR therapy, is a therapy that has helped so many people with trauma and it helps it uses bilateral brain stimulation. What that means is you're talking to a therapist while reliving the trauma and then it rewires your brain so things don't all no longer charge you as much. You don't have that response. So that's one thing. As far as how to treat someone,

I think it's just like with respect and love and understanding and if they need to go slow, you go slower. If there's things that are off limits, they're off limits, allowing them to share their grief around it and talk about it. I think that's how you support someone, but also gently kindly move them into towards therapy. If it's still, because I assume that Tim's asking, and anyone, we've curious about this, because it's probably something that's an issue in the relationship, how that usually manifests

as people to shut down sexually, or maybe they have pain during sex, or maybe they're not very adventurous and bad, or they want the lights off, or all these things could be a result of unwanted sexual tension or trauma. So I really think that's kind of hard for us on our own to get rid of, to kind of make it go away. Even though we think, usually how we all deal with trauma

or something horrific that happens to us is we shove it down. Like we shove it down deep because we do not want to feel it. We don't want to talk about it. And just this further I push it down there, the more that I numb it and the more years that go by, well, I'll just, I won't live there anymore. I've killed the demon. But unfortunately with things like trauma, it's not that easy.

So if you're with someone though and you find out, they like finally feel comfortable letting you know, hey, I went through this trauma, blah, blah, blah, so I have some problems with things. Like if they're trying, if they're like how long Hey, I went through this trauma, blah, blah, blah. I have some problems with things. If they're trying, if they're, like, how long can you wait? Like, if they are, like, trying to work through it, but they're actually not taking those steps,

like, I feel so bad to break up with someone that's had that, but if they're not doing anything about it. Well, I think it depends on what the thing is, but yeah, I think, well, listen, I think it's really hard to be with someone who isn't in a growth mindset, who doesn't want to be constantly working, you know, not constantly, okay, I know, it's like a little aggressive deal,

but they don't wanna kinda work through things that are troubling them, whether it be a death in the family or losing a job or abuse, any kind, like you really, it helps you in every other air of your life. So if you're with someone who doesn't want to do the work, but then they're withholding sex, or they're not able to connect with you intimately, I think you can't, you can only stay as long as you can stay,

but I think it gets really frustrating after a while when you're with someone and you want them to get help when they don't. So I think everyone has to decide how long is too long. I just feel like, because I would feel like such a dick. Well, I think that if you were someone who was really a heart-fought with your partner, said, do you know what, babe? I really think it's so important. Our intimacy is so important for us. And for me to feel connected to you. And I realize that when you're really shut down for the last three years, and I feel like

sex has become less and less frequent, and you've had a lot of pain, and I don't feel like we're really connected anymore because we haven't had sex a month, so we barely do, or what do you have sex to cry? I mean, whatever it is, and I need to figure out a way that we can continue to, I can go with you to therapy.

You know what I'm saying? So I think, no, you're not gonna abandon them after trying, but I get what you're saying, it's tricky, but actually, like I'm gonna go back to something I said earlier in the show, sometimes the people that leave us hurt us are the people where we actually have to wake up and learn our lesson. Sometimes we're finally ready after it happens

too many times, someone leaves us. We break out, it's another bad relationship, we're repeating the patterns over and over and over and over. We're gonna, you're like, okay, finally, I've had enough. You know what? Maybe it's not that I'm dating a bunch of weirdos or assholes or jerks or bitches, it's that there's something going on with me. Thank you everyone for supporting the show, telling your friends, posting about it. I love getting all of your messages, your tweets, Instagram, all those things. And if you also rate us for a US wherever you listen that really helps the show.

So just five stars, leave a comment on iTunes that really helps. I appreciate you all. Thank you for listening. And thank you to my incredible team. I love you. Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, our interns, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me.

Feedback at sexwithemily.com. Tell me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.