Sex With Emily - Annoyingly Amazing Sex

Episode Date: June 20, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is talking about everything from dating tactics to getting your needs met in bed to consent. She discusses how annoyance with your partner may be a good thing, how to get past those embarrassing sex moments – because we’ve all been there, and going back to the masturbation drawing board.   Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Nutrafol, Apex, JO, Magic Wand Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about dating tactics, getting your needs met in bed and consent. Plus, I'm answering your questions. Topics include, always annoyed with your partner. It may actually be a good sign in your relationship. How to get through an embarrassing sex moment because hey, we all have them. And going back to the masturbation drawing board, all this and more, thanks for listening. Here, you just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information, go to sexwithemily.com and you can follow me on all social media

at Sex with Emily. And also send it from my newsletter because I've been told I give the best email. So check that out. Okay guys, I'm excited to answer your questions today in the emails, but first some sex in the news. Okay, there's a wristband that's designed to fight against campus sexual assault. I know sexual assault isn't the sexiest topic, but it's certainly an important one these days, now more than ever, and there's been so much innovation along the lines of consent that I wanted to point out that's wristband to you as one of them. An estimated 28% of women on college campuses are sexually assaulted. And according to another study, 70% of those times the assault involves alcohol.

College freshmen are the most vulnerable. So enter BUS. It's a free bracelet with a $1 a month cloud service. And thank you for like a a Fitbit which is wearable appears to your phone to track your state of being instead of steps or heart rate it measures your blood alcohol level through your skin. Now I think this is still a ways out but I found it really interesting on a few levels because if you're wearing it, if you know kids in campus start wearing this bracelet,

the buzz, you know men women can wear it and you run into someone you're wearing it, if you know, kids on campus start wearing this bracelet, the buzz, you know, man, women can wear it, and you run into someone who's wearing it, you just kind of bump bracelets together and it connects you. So how it works is by bumping two buzzes together in a bar, it lets two people be tracked on a date. So it's kind of a way of like monitoring the two of them together, but also the cool part of it is it monitors your blood alcohol concentration. So with a vibration and a flash, it will connect you to the person,

but also as you enter the blood alcohol point of no return, you know that threshold where you hit real drug in this, that can maybe lead to a blackout, you know, we've all had those nights, you're like, what happened right before that? Well, I guess this would let you know, it's hard to buzz, it's hard to change colors, and you know it's kind of essentially saying maybe you should have a glass of water right now, right?

Or maybe I should slow down because the first part of the brain to be affected by alcohol is our ability to judge our own intoxication level. So the point of the bracelet isn't necessarily to say, hey, you shouldn't be drinking so much. Otherwise, I think that's a great side effect. Like it kind of tells you like, maybe you should slow down there, but you know, you could get drunk in your dorm room and it doesn't matter.

You fall asleep on your own, but really, it's more about connecting, pacing yourself and also literally connecting with someone that you're with. So, all your behavior that night is trackable. Another cool thing is that friends aren't the only ones that buzz in forms of your intoxication level. Your day gets an alert as well through what they designed to be an aggressive uncomfortable vibration.

Like when Jane crossed the threshold, we flash and buzz the hell out of Johnny's device to say, listen, she's totally drunk and she doesn't have the capacity to give consent to any sexual act. My main concern here was like, are people really going to use this? Like are they really getting me in a bar and say,

oh, you know, I might have too many drinks and this person's really cute. My main concern here was like, are people really going to use this? Like are they really going to meet in a bar and say, oh, you know, I might have too many drinks and this person's really cute. So let's, you know, smash our wrists together. But I do like that people are thinking of this and that there's technology out there thinking about consent and thinking about sexual assault on campus because it's a serious issue.

So you can make it sexy and wearing a bracelet. I'm all for it. So here's a study, you guys. Uncertainly about potential partners romantic interest reduces sexual appeal. So what does this mean? According to a study, those who feel greater certainty that their prospective romantic partner reciprocates

that interest will put more effort into seeing that person again. But if they're uncertain, they're not going to put as much effort into that relationship. So basically, people experience higher levels of sexual desire when they feel confident about a partner's interest and acceptance. Why I like this study is because it's essentially saying, it's kind of that whole theory that we should play games and pretend we're not into someone at all. Like, oh, they're going to chase me. I'm going to act like I don't care.

And I'm telling you, this theory that we should all just pretend we're not interested is still alive and well, I have friends of all ages, men and women who are like, I'm just going to not. And I'm telling you, this theory that we should all pretend we're not interested is still alive and well. I have friends of all ages, men and women who are like, I'm just going to not act like I'm into it. And that might work on some very base level. But this is a pretty comprehensive study that shows that once we feel that somebody's kind of reciprocating and they're interested in us, we're more likely to trust that person and to maybe move to the next level.

You know, we want to be with someone who likes us. So if you're playing games, I think that you're running a risk and you're that calculated that you're running the risk of actually connecting with someone that you might really like. So I've always said this that if you're into someone, it's not that you have to like drop everything for them

and be totally available and give up your life. It just says, hey, why play games? If you're into someone, let them know. And now we have a study to prove that playing hard to get does not make you more successful in the dating arena. So I think this puts it to rest. And finally, I really like this study.

Annoyance is a sign of a good relationship. Thank God, because I do get annoyed. I do get annoyed. But as this points out, it's a sign of vulnerability and it's kind of lovable. When you're in a relationship somewhere and you're not hating points out, it's a sign of vulnerability and it's kind of lovable. When you're in a relationship somewhere and you're not hating on them, there's that contempt, there's not all that negativity and criticism, but it's more like, oh God, that's so annoying

when they do that. Noing behavior is a sign of being comfortable with each other. So when you first start dating someone, we all, you know, we bring our best selves, the first few months of a relationship, right? We don't do all those things that we would do like a month in, right? Like, I don't know. What do I do? Where like my sweats are my face mask or the things that we all do that we do once we're comfortable with someone. But in some ways, when you get to know someone better and you can be annoying to them, it shows that you're in a real relationship. Because when we really start to show our authentic self,

we automatically makes us more vulnerable. And I think that shows a level of comfort and healthier relationship overall. And it's also the worst sign that you're not too comfortable because think of it this way. When you're still annoyed with someone, like you still care enough that you like, oh my god, that's so annoying,

it's better than being detached, where you know, not even being annoyed or frustrated, bothers you, it just means that you've completely checked out. So if you're feeling a little bit annoyed with your partner, it probably means that you still have really good feelings in general. And remember, the last thing you want to do in a relationship is to stop feeling anything all together.

When you get to that point in relationship where it's just criticism or contempt or you're just fighting and it feels really negative and mean spirited, that's not noise. Noises just like, you know, kind of a friendly rolling your eyes and sort of beloved. But the other cool thing about annoyance

and I love how this study put it is that it also offers opportunities for growth. Sometimes at annoying behavior is just annoying and there's no higher purpose to seeking it. You know, perhaps your partner is always late at dinner and it doesn't have a deeper meeting or your partner forgets to get the car washed. That might not be really significant. It's just annoying. But I would like to argue and so does the study say that other times more often than we realize that annoying behavior

does serve higher purpose and an opportunity for growth. So for example, how do you know what could be improving in relationship? Well, think about it. Think about what annoys you in your partner. So maybe your partner being late to dinner points towards a deeper issue, like she's always late. So therefore, she stretches herself too thin. You know, she's not prioritizing herself or the relationship and she's always late, so therefore she stretches herself to thin, you know, she's not prioritizing herself or the relationship and she's always late. Like, that's a bigger

issue that probably shows up at other parts of her life. Or, you know, maybe you're part of forget to wash their car and that's a little annoying because they're driving around the dirty car that could also mean maybe they're really irresponsible. Like, why are they not caring for these things, you know, he loves his car. Why is his car always dirty? So it's really a place to go deeper in a relationship. So I was thinking about this. I was like, okay, so I could resonate this because I could tell you what annoys my partner about me. And this is very similar. I think it's annoying that I get really stressed out, which I think it used to be cute in our relationship. And I was like, oh, I'm too stressed to do this or that. But it really shows that on a deeper level

that I'm bringing that into the relationship and I really do need to make more time for myself. I do stretch myself too thin and I need to work on being my best self for myself and for my partner. So this is a good test if you're listening to this now and there's something where you're part of it, just annoying, go a little bit deeper

and see what that lesson could be for both of you. So I like this. Let me know what you got from this. You guys, I'd love to hear from you. If any of these sparked any thoughts or caused you to make some changes in your relationship, I always like to hear what you guys are getting from the show. Because when I read your emails, which I'm going to do next, you guys are always so kind and you say how the show's changed your life and it's really helped you.

And I want to know specifically, like, what was something that you really got from it or you could just include that in your emails. That's always nice to know because I love being here for you. On to your emails. I love answering your questions. This is my favorite part of the day. It's why I do what I do. So if you want to get a question answered on the show, you can text Ask Emily all one word

to 7979, 7979, fill out the short form, oh go to sexandmlee.com, and also indicate whether you'd like to be called for a color show, always include your age, where you live, and how you listen to this show. Okay, Jamie, producer Jamie, you want to read some of these emails? Yes, I do. I love when you read them. I know, it's so fun. Okay, so this is from Olivia, who's 25 in Chicago. My husband and I have been married for three years. I was a virgin and

we had sex for the first time on our wedding night. I can't orgasm with or without him. Everything about our sex is boring, generic, and never satisfying. Oh, this is rough. I've told him what worked for me, which would be him going down on me, using a vibrator, about our sex is boring, generic, and never satisfying. Oh, this is rough. I've told him what worked for me, which would be him going down on me, using a vibrator, or just trying something new. However, he does not enjoy going down on me, because he simply doesn't want to, finds it gross, et cetera. And he believes that using a vibrator is pointless because it's not him pleasing me.

We're also struggling with him not understanding that sex isn't just penetration and that it can be an Opportunity for him to please me or me to please him and I'm not sure how to proceed any tips. Oh Olivia Olivia, okay, I'm really glad you emailed and there's a lot to unpack here I can definitely give you tips But I really did feel like I was reading about DJ Khaled here like I was thinking is she married to DJ Khaled I don't know if you guys heard about this, but DJ Khaled came out and said that he just does not

believe in oral sex. He takes care of the bills and he takes care of the house and he doesn't believe that going down in a woman is right for him and that his wife, though, certainly is going to be going down on him. So it sounds like you understand this Olivia that it's just not cool, that he doesn't get all this and you want to know how can you get him there?

I'm gonna give you some tips now, but I have to say I feel like your husband It's gonna be really hard, which is basic talking to him because he seems like a man who's very set in his ways There's a lot of different things going on here like he actually is pulling out all the stops It's one thing to get a man over the fact that they think oral sex is dirtier gross It's another thing to get men over that hump of vibrators are wrong And then it's another thing just for men to realize that for play so And I'm not saying this is like

Impossible Olivia, but I want to validate you here And I want you to know that it was really brave of you to email me and you're you're not you know crazy here You're not complaining these are all email me and you're not crazy here, you're not complaining. These are all legitimate concerns and you're 25 years old and I know you've been together three years, but he's your first guy that you've been with and this has, it actually is going to take two of you. It takes two to tango in any relationship and especially when it comes to sex, he has to understand that foreplay is just a must.

Like I always say, it's not a suggestion, it's actually actually requirement. Women require foreplay. Men even require foreplay. So he can't keep doing the same things over and expect it to just magically work one day that you're going to have an orgasm. The other thing that you can do here is I think that you should also be masturbating because if you've never had an orgasm, this is where I can really relate to you. I do think when I was your age, maybe a little bit younger, that my boyfriend would just kind of show up

and know how to please me because I never had an orgasm. And I actually remember thinking, God, he's not really going to bed because I didn't have that magical orgasm yet. So you have some work to do. You've been listening to the show. You know that once you get into your body

and your sexual energy, I feel like you won't be able to put up with not having an orgasm anymore. But Jamie, we were reading through this later. I got kind of like, I mean, I want to, you know, I want to tell you guys to watch porn together. I want to say to mutual masturbation because you watch as you and you watch as him. But I feel like you haven't gotten there yet and and you haven't gotten your own orgasm, and he's got these beliefs that are just, aren't gonna surf him well with a woman. They're really not. He needs to definitely get over those ideologies.

And definitely, like definitely starting with your self-Olivia is just the best thing that you can do. And you know what, like he may be your husband, but he doesn't rule your life. starting with yourself Olivia is just the best thing that you can do. And you know what, he may be your husband, but he doesn't rule your life. If you want a vibrator, buy one for yourself, get yourself a vibrator, and just use it on your own while you mash bait and all that stuff.

And then if you're not satisfied with the sex and he's not listening, maybe try taking charge and being like, I'm gonna be on top, I'm gonna move, I'm gonna move. Cause it might actually, he might actually find it really hot. This is what I wanna say, James, that's a really good point because here's the other thing I wanna say. A lot of times, this sounds like a very fear-based man

who would say like, I'm threatened by your vibrator, I'm threatened by your orgasm, I'm threatened by your vagina cause it's dirty and wrong. I feel like that's something that he'd their group of that mentality. He heard it from his family, his brothers, his friends, and you can believe that in being your head all you want. But once you take charge of this Olivia and you're like, you know, you get a vibrator, you learn what turns herself on and he's there and he sees you have this orgasm and he

sees how important it is to you He might come around especially if he believes in the sanctity of your marriage and he loves you Which I'm sure he does and he wants to make it work So I think without fear you need to take ownership and take control of your sexuality and the other thing I want to say here is Who the hell decided that a Vibrator an orgasm that comes from a vibrator is inferior to the orgasm that comes from a penis or a finger or a mouth. It's an orgasm, is an orgasm, is an orgasm. And this whole downgrading orgasm is to like the clitolose better than the internal and the finger doesn't mean as much. And there was, I was watching porn, so no, if you have an orgasm like legit, you have that experience, you're connected to your body.

I'm cool with it. I just wanna start a campaign. I have so many campaigns I wanna start. We really should. We'll make buttons. We'll make buttons. Right, we should make buttons. I'm gonna bring the buttons back.

People don't wear button-off buttons. We don't even open our eyes like the people standing next to each other. If I was wearing a button, you'd be like, oh, I would say, I already thought of a campaign once. It was going to be no one fake, oh, like when I used to work in politics, I was like, I'm going to put a proposition on the ballot that says, no women won't fake orgasms anymore.

But I feel like orgasms, what would it be? Something about orgasms like, like, have you had an orgasm today? Something just to remind people, maybe I'd buy billboard space. If I should have billboard space. If I should have that, like, there's like, there's like, there's like, this big gonorrhea signs and there's big, there's big weed signs everywhere.

Why can't we have one that's like, hi, have you orgasm today? That won't fly here. But I think it's a good idea. It won't fly, but that would be. It's right with the buttons. A great. Also, people might be due to double take

on the billboard and be like, what? And crash, but we can't. Yeah, that's true. Don't do it when you're driving. But, okay. So, yeah, sweetie, Olivia, let us know how this goes. Just know that you're not alone in this. You can reach out, talk to your friends too.

So I don't, you know, I feel like reaching out to women in your life that you respect. Maybe someone who's a little bit older or just a colleague or somebody that you trust and see get their take on it. But I think you gotta do you and go buy some toys and get into your own body. Because your prints Like I always thought someday my prints will come and so will I that's you got to come and whoever shows up shows up

All right, I'm going to take a quick break and when we come back more of your emails Alright. It even if you're alone. Okay. Next email. Okay, so this is from David33 in Scotland. Hi Emily, I listen to your show all the time, usually as I drive to work and I've never thought I'd need to ask a question but have found myself in need of your help. Recently I had to be circumcised due to having a tight foreskin and thought it

would solve my troubles and get me back to enjoying sex and masturbation. But what I've found is that I'm having to learn to masturbate all over again because the feelings I used to love are now gone because my body has been altered. I've lived online at toys, but I'm really not sure where to start or spend a lot of money on a toy that's just a gimmick. It sounds simple, just as in use, loop and masturbate, and I feel kind of dumb for asking. But the feeling I used to get is gone and trying to adjust is not going well. Okay. Thank you so much, David, for your question.

And gosh, I'm sorry that you're having this challenge right now after your adult circumcision. I'm not a medical doctor, so I can't see your penis right now. And I understand that you had to have the surgery. What I'm hearing here, and I just want you to check this, is that a lot of this might be psychological, as a lot of the challenges we have around sex, are psychological in our heads, where we can't orgasm, or things are different,

and then we don't actually we take ourselves out of our body So because you're expecting to have this feeling like of what you had before exactly the same way and I feel like you're already like have this negative loop of like it's not the same But just like I said like an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm And I think we should get back to you Re-check into your body again and kind of just instead of focusing on what was in the past, really employing your senses in the moment. What are you feeling now?

Because we can learn to love new sensations if you get turned on by them. So try different movements. I don't think you have to go out and buy a toy right now. I would say use lots of lube, try touching your balls, your frenulum, your prostate, I would say get to know yourself again using mindful masturbation. So breathing into your senses without the goal of orgasm.

I would also, I'm a huge fan of second opinions from doctors. So I would love to just to make sure that you're, you know, that your doctor who did the surgery, I don't know what he said to you. Like, you know, I think it takes about a month or two till after circumcision. It could always take a little bit longer for you to get your sensitivities back. But I would just get checked again and just let them know

because I don't know, I don't see your penis here, but I do think a lot of it could be psychological. So get to know your penis again. All right. This next email is from Ali28 in Wash, Wisconsin. Sorry, I've been seeing a guy for about a month. Everything has been great and we just had sex for the first time.

It had been a while for both of us and we got really into it and we're going pretty hard. When we finished, he went to the bathroom to clean up and noticed that he had blood all over him. I had started my period and had it noticed. I was mortified and left as soon as I could. I'm not sure how to bring it up or what to say and I'm worried that he won't be interested anymore.

What should I do? I love this question, Ali, because yummy women, I know that I've been in this situation. I've been in it too. Yeah, we have sex in it, we don't know that it's that time of month. The ant flows coming to visit and then she's gonna get into a bloody fight against the,

and the bedsheets, or what's gonna happen? Like, there's nothing to worry about here, Ali. I think that you wanna get the partner who's cool with it, and I know sometimes men might get a little like, oh God, there's blood on my penis, oh my God, but it happens to all of us, so I would just let them know that, you know, make it joke, it would be like, yeah, you know,

I don't, there's nothing to apologize for. So don't apologize, but you can just laugh and say, I hope you were able to do the sheets or let, you know, didn't know that was going to happen. But I think just reach out and say, that was a fun night. It's not the kind of thing you have to mention at text because while you're placing, you're stressing about this. You wrote me an email about it. You're probably thinking this guy's never going to like you again. But really, the more you act like it's just not a big deal because it's not, the sooner we can all move past this. Like, I think that setting a message for yourself

and for women and for him, for men to realize that, it's not really a big deal. We don't always know when it's happening. I've gotten many of bloody sheets, things have happened. You look down, you're like, oh my God. And you just deal, you jump in the shower. So I think the fact that you left, maybe, you ran out, you might be feeling like, oh, I got to circle back.

I'm not sure how blunt she, if you just ran out mid-settings, but you could just say, I know I ran out, but I can't wait to see you again soon. What's the next plan? Just hit them up. Like we said earlier, no playing games here. Yeah, I mean, it really, really should not be a big deal, and if it is, then it's only been a month,

so you don't really owe anything to this guy anymore. Exactly. I think that's a great thing to know that if this guy, if it is a double breaker, he's like, those are my 600th red count sheets, or I was really grossed out by that. Guess what else is gonna be grossed out by, you know, other things that-

Are not even grossed. That are not even gross. You guys, sex is messy. Sex is beautiful and feels amazing, but it's messy and sticky and dirty and beautiful. So that's what sex is. You guys, it's not perfect and pristine and clean at all. So everyone get used to that. A little blood never hurt anybody.

It's so true. So true. So true. Okay. All right. This next one is from David 28 also from Wisconsin. My other half and I would like to try out a glass dildo for the first time for both of us, but she's afraid that it will break. What are some good brands to use or what can I do to help set

her mind at ease? Okay. Well, this is a good question and I feel like I don't give dildos enough love on the show. I'm always talking about vibrators But they can be really powerful for women to explore found the g-spot for men to explore their piece spots So I love I love a good dildo question So they're really the chance of a glass dildo breaking you is very very slim I'm not sure if you've ever seen one. Maybe you're thinking it's like a light ball or something like it's it's like very thin It's gonna break but I, it would take a lot to break a dildo, in fact, glass dildos are so sturdy

that they're not gonna break, but if you want to, the only, glass dildos are very, very sturdy. I mean, you could actually, I mean, you could pack a punch with them, but if you're gonna experiment with temperature play and warm it up, you know, warm it with hot water, you don't wanna use the microwave, or if it goes from really hot to really cold,

which is a great thing about glass dildos, because you can do temperature play. That's when it could break, if it was like really hot and then really cold, but I mean, I think that that would also be like a very rare occurrence where one of these bad boys is gonna break. And what I like is I like pipe dream icicles.

Those are really popular dildos. They're so pretty. Yeah, I didn't know that Jamie wanted one. I'm gonna get you one. Yeah, no, I've been always wanting to experiment with a glass dildo. And that's the thing. If you have never seen one,

I could totally get one. I might be like, okay, like this could bring it. Or held one. Or held one, but it's like literally like super thick. Like it's like just think about like, you know how hard it is to really break, like, it's like, you know, like a girl, like, think about your, if your penis was made of glass, but like, not hollow, like, completely, just, oh, it's heavy, like, it's like, you could do, you know, you could do arm curls with it. Right, you could literally do arm curls with it.

So, they're not gonna break in the other deal, though I like, is pure enjoy. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a Right. You could literally do arm curls with it. So they're not going to break in. The other deal though I like is pure enjoy. It's a steel wand, but it has the same kind of sentiment as a dildo. And yeah, you some lube, you play, you can hit other hot spots. I think it's great for women who are looking for their G spot. That was a big player in

my search for my G spot many years ago. So go out and play. Play with some Dildos. Okay, so this next one is from Josephine, 20 in Alberta. Hi, Emily. I've been with my 21-year-old boyfriend for just over a year and I'm very happy with him. He rarely ever comes on to me. When we have sex, it is almost exclusively because I showed interest or came onto him and have spoken to him about this. And he says he doesn't like being forceful

or aggressive towards women because his sister was abused when he was younger and he hates anyone being sexually aggressive towards women. I like this about him and he doesn't like to be grabby and be aggressive especially in public. However, when it's just the two of us, I wish he could be more comfortable just having sex with me when he wants to, rather than waiting to see if I want to. I don't know how to bring this up. Or force him to be okay, being more open to coming on to me. Thanks, Emily. Love your podcast. Okay, Josephine, thanks for the question. It sounds like you have a really great guy here.

You know, a lot of respect for women. He paid attention to what was going on, growing up with his sister. But remember, you guys are both still kind of figuring out this sex thing and this how to relate, how to turn into their own and how to get around and how to initiate sex. So it was probably pretty new for both of you.

And so you really have to show them what you mean by aggressive or assertive. And you can remind them that it's really not about disrespecting you, that there is a difference between being aggressive and initiating sex, that he doesn't necessarily have to be aggressive to show that he's into you. So I think though what your job here is to let him know that

and that kind of sweetly, like I said, and don't do it like I can't believe that you won't do this, but it's more like, you really might have to break it down and say, I would just love it if when I walk in the door, you know, you start to make out with me or when we're sitting on the couch, you put your hand on my lap, or you start to rub my back,

or you start to play with my hair. You get to decide what that looks like, and you also get to change your mind. So maybe you just give them one example because I think we often toss things out to our partners like make a move or be more aggressive or timey up or let's do BDSM or let's type of threesome and we have literally the range of things and we expect our partner to get it to understand and then to act upon it. But think about you guys. I spend so much time just getting you guys to talk about sex and to understand your own bodies that when you throw something new sexually at your partner,

they just might not get it. Even though we think it's clear what initiating sex means, it's literally different to everybody. If I as Jamie how she would like sex initiated, well, how would you like your partner to initiate sex, Jamie? We've never talked about this.

What would be really hot to you? If I was your partner and you're like, you don't initiate, what would you want me to do? What would be a big turn up for you? So, I actually do like an aggressive initiation just because I just feel like in the right, I have such a charge or I take charge a lot in the rest of my life.

So in the bedroom, I'm like, no. Let's chill. Yeah, so I would really like it, you know, if I... No, I'm gonna, I'm gonna chill. Yeah, I'm gonna, right. I just really like it. Like I said, as soon as I walk in the door, my partner sees me, just like,

just like looks like he wants to have be like, right then and there, and he comes up to me and he's like deep kisses me like really hard and then just like either, you know, throws me down on the nearest furniture thing or on the bed if we're in the bedroom or takes me, whisks me away to the bedroom and just like throws me down and it's just like in charge. Like I am going to take you right now.

Like literally, and you can say that too. Like I'm like I am just going to destroy you sexually, right? That's hot, right? And that doesn't mean, okay. So going back to the question here, like that might not be what Josie would say because her lead with, because aggressive, you know, he says, you know, his sister

was gonna be sexually abused. And so I understand that, but for you, Jamie, yeah think that is hot too every once in a while and when we let's explain what thrown me down like because I think I get it but People here throw me down are like, what is that group painful? What if you hurt you? How would you show him? I guess I would just kind of like do it to him first. Oh push it To show him like if you really wanted to show him be like look This is what I would want and you just like push them. They're facing they're facing each other the bed is behind you And you just throw them down and then you look at them like you're just gonna like eat them Right and just go on top and just start Yeah, I could even see you doing that being like okay, you're not doing it

Let me show you then you literally throw them down and you're like now do me like that to me would be hot and that moment He's okay now. then you literally throw them down and you're like, now do me. That to me would be hot. In that moment, he's like, okay, now I'm going to throw you down. You could easily, you're not going to be like, well right now it's just the tutorial. I want you to do that to our end of that. No, in the moment, you could be like, to me that is a hot role play thing. You're like, here's what you do, and then you would do it to you and you'd be off to the races. Yeah, that would be great.

But also, you know, if, you know, for example, Josephine wanted something You know, quite as aggressive. So let me say what I would like. Yeah, what would you like every once or Also, I would like that. So let me say more like Josephine if I would want my partner to initiate I really just I love the kiss like I do not know why kissing It's something I have to remind everyone in long-term relationships to do or just in general I think that it's really hot because it's a point of intimacy. You're connecting, it's a warm-up, you're touching each other, you're smelling each other, your senses are so engaged.

I just live a deep kiss. Like if my guy just came in and he just like, honestly just started, I like a little softer. So like a soft kiss or he does a kissing my neck. Like if you kiss my neck, you know that meme we posted once. Like if you kiss my neck, I'm not responsible for posted once, like if you kiss my neck, I'm not responsible for what happens next. Like that is so true for me.

Like there are so many nerve endings in our neck and in our neck and like everywhere our chest, our ears, so to me like nibble on my ear, kiss my neck for a few seconds. Like I'm not even talking like a marathon session, but just a few little nibbles, a few kisses. That would be great initiation for me personally. But if I was with somebody, I'd say,

just come in and let's start making out. So those are some, and I would feel comfortable telling them that. Yeah, and you can be super direct. Like, just be like, hey babe, like I just so turned on right now. Like, how can I get you turned on? That could be hot too.

Yeah, just say, well, we'll be turning you on right now. Right, that's like verbally being like, how can I get you turned on? That could be hot too. Like that way, it's like, it turns you on right now. Right, that's like verbally being like, I'm in the mood, I wanna get you in the mood, let's do it instead of him always waiting for her. Cause I mean, I get it, he's trying to be respectful, but. Okay, that's a good one. Josephine, when he comes home from work the next time

or school or wherever you guys are, you say you wanna know what would really turn me on right now. That's a great way to do it. He's like, well, let me make a sandwich first or no. I don't want, I want to know. Like, we don't want to know. I think that's a great way to do it. And also, you guys, this also works.

Just remember that this works the other way too. So if you a partner who you feel like is initiating all the time, but not in the way that you want, so for example, I hear this from a lot of couples, I know this happens that you be getting to routine, right? They're like, I hear from couples who say like one partner will say, I wish that my partner would just make out with me or just put their hand on my lap

or you know, put their arm around me and not have it lead towards sex. So then, because what happens is we start to resist our partners because we're like, oh God, every time my partner touches me, it means they want to get naked. So therefore, I'm not gonna be responsive to touch anymore. And that can kind of be a tricky cycle that couples get into where they start avoiding intimacy

because one person doesn't want it and the other person only touches when it's for sex. So I think this is a great conversation to have even if you don't recognize this as a challenge in your relationship, why not have the initiation be what you do want? And so everyone could just kind of think about this and go, huh, what would be my ideal turn-on? And even if it's just the next time you have sex, turn to your partner right now and say, you know what, next time we have sex, I think it would be so hot. Or if you do, blank. So, why not? Start it today. Everyone should have better sex tonight. Tonight. I think I'm going to. I already got some ideas from this.

I think I'm going to make out on the bed. Do it. Yeah, I mean, it seems so obvious, but I don't know if that's happened lately. It happened like once. Right. And then you think back to that time, you're like, oh my God. And then like, yeah, and this is a thing. It's like variety, not every time. For variety, if you threw me down every time, I'd be like, oh God, we're blasher really again.

Jesus, can we just finish watching Netflix? Like anything gets boring after a while. So get some up the initiation, like different ways and do it, talking dirty, sending a sexy text, getting naked, random acts of oral. That's what I get. Random acts of oral, I love.

That's gonna be the billboard. That. Do you think that's a t-shirt? That's the billboard? That is a t-shirt. Random acts of oral. Random acts of oral. It could be verbal, obviously,

but people know what we mean. And also, we didn't want to random act of oral. Who's like no thanks? I vote no we mean. And also, I didn't want to random back to wrong. Who's like, no, thanks. I vote no. Yeah. And obviously, just to clarify this. Not with consent. With consent.

Yes. For all those people out there that are like, Oh, no. You should not go around. You should not go around and just randomly give oral. No, please don't. Yeah, I see. This is going to, this could go wrong very quickly.

But I mean, in your relationship, I don't think that if you have a partner who's into oral, that they would ever argue that like a random dincey coming that blow job before, you know, 8 a.m. I don't know. Whatever that oral. Okay. Okay.

So on that note. On that note, last email from MacKyla, 23 in Georgia. My boyfriend of three years is very honest. He doesn't like to keep anything from me or he feels it's lying. He likes to play. Who would you rather have sex with with me? And he also likes to point out hot girls to me

or talk about how a girl is hot to his friends in front of me. Even on a vacation, he said I was more lucky because I had more hot guys to look at than he had hot girls to look at. I know that everyone thinks these things, but is it unfair of me to ask him to at least keep it to himself or am I taking too much crap?

I have brought it up to him before how I don't love it that much and he replies, do you want me to lie? This is an interesting question. This is an interesting question because, okay, I'm reading this again and I feel like, first of all, the one thing I want to point is, I don't know that everyone thinks it. So you're making an assumption here, McKill, that you think every guy is just sitting there going, or every girl is going, oh man, that person's hot, but I'm going to not avert my eyes

or I'm not going to look at them. I'm going to pretend it doesn't happen. Yes, we all notice someone hot, but I'm telling you not every guy or every woman is that focus on what else is going around them when they're in a relationship with their partner. Yeah, you might notice someone, but it's not like you feel the need to share that. So I don't think that this is particularly like, you know, like everyone does this kind of thing. So it definitely exists on the planet for sure. So I think you absolutely have to let him know. I don't even think it's about taking too much crap,

but I think it's for you, it's too much crap, right? For you, it doesn't feel right. And this doesn't feel right to me either. Like if I was with a guy and we're on this vocation together, right? I mean, two favorite words, vocation sex. Vocation's about sex and intimacy and enhancing your relationship.

If I, guys, like, look at that chick, I mean, come on. We're all just like, two steps from being insecure about things and relationships often, right? Like, let's just, you know, I can insecure, we all do. So if I, the guy who's constantly going like, oh, I don't even have bikini today, or oh, God, look at her legs, right?

I'm five foot two, and he's talking, and he's looking at some like six foot tall woman. That just could be really disconcerting, and it goes both ways. So I think you're totally fine to say to him, I know you're thinking it, but I'd much rather hear what you see when you look at me or actually babe, no, I'm not saying you're looking at other guys, I'm just looking at you and thinking how lucky I am that I get to have sex with you because you're to me, you're the only guy in the beach or you're the

most attractive or whatever doesn't sound cheesy to you. But I think the reason why he's doing it though, I just don't think your guy. He's a bad guy, right? I think that this is just maybe how he grew up his friends are like this his buddies are like that Maybe his previous girlfriends were cool with it But that doesn't mean that you need to be okay with it He doesn't have to share it with you now. He might find this to to be a turn on, right? So, saying like, would you rather have sex with me? This one or that one? I could see in a celebrity game being like,

who's your celebrity crush? But to constantly be that person or that person in real life is number one, exhausting. And number two, it doesn't feel very safe. Women report the highest level of sexual satisfaction when we feel safe. And we feel like we can trust someone. So if our partner is constantly spreading all this love

or spreading all this interest in all these other people, I would not feel safe, and I would not feel like I was, not see if they're gonna hurt me, but safe in our love and our commitment. So there could be a lot of reasons why he's doing this, and maybe he could find another way to scratch that itch rather than point out all the other hot girls around you. Yeah, I mean, I think once in a while it's totally fine.

Like, oh, because they can mean I do that all the time. Like, I'm always, I'm like, oh my God, like that woman is so gorgeous. Right. Like, oh my God, that guy is like really attractive. Or if I'm talking about like, you know, celebrities obviously, because we all have celebrity crushers. Right. But all the time I'd be like, do you ever look at me?

Right. I know, I know like waving my arms. And I think this is something that I'm, yeah sure, guys probably, I'm sure men and women do it when they're alone with their friends. But I think that in the past when this has happened in relationships, I've actually had guys say to me, do you mind, or like, how do you feel about me pointing out other women? Like, would you think that was hot?

And I was like, every once in a while, would be kind of fun, you know, to say that. So I just, but I'm really glad they asked that these people, they asked me. And I think in the past, I do remember being with those guys who just their head, like their neck turns every time you're walking down the street because they're looking at someone else

or they're saying things. And I think I let them know that I just, I didn't need to hear it, didn't feel great to me. And I'm totally cool with them, happy those thoughts, but there's so many other things to talk about. Yeah, and I mean, like I'm glad that he's like super open and honest, but at the same time too, it's like it's not lying.

Like you just, I don't need to know like what your mind is thinking at every second. Because if he's like it's not lying. Like, I don't need to know what your mind is thinking at every second, because if he's thinking that it's lying to you by not saying, oh, that girl is really hot, is he also lying to you when he, the moment he thinks I really need to go to the bathroom right now, but he doesn't disclose it. Like, that's how I'm thinking. It's like not every thought you have

that you don't tell is a lie. Exactly. Because it does seem like it's a little bit intense. It's that he's doing it all the time. So I'm wondering what he needs from this game. Like I'm wondering what he's getting from it. Like if he knows that it's going to kind of get an interest. Like if he knows Mikaela that it's going to kind of spark this incense in you

that you're going to say something or is he does he maybe does think it's hot or maybe he thinks it'd be hot. If you guys had a threesome or watch porn together with another woman like I'm not sure what else this means. So yeah I think you go. Yeah I think she should maybe also tell them I don't really like it. Keep it a little bit more sparingly do it with your friends whatever. But also maybe be like so do you have like some fantasies that you want to get off your chest that you want to talk about? Like there's maybe there's something that you can maybe some fantasies that you wanna get off your chest, that you wanna talk about?

There's maybe there's something that you can, maybe you can kind of understand it better, seeing where he's coming from with this, instead of him just being like, well, I don't wanna lie, but it's like, but why do you lie? But why do you lie? It's not like, you're not walking in between, there's a bird, there's a tree,

like if you don't say there's a bird, there's a tree, there's still a bird, there's still a tree, there's still the ocean, is that a lie? Cause you didn't point it out. It is now, the ocean is now, ocean is now. Exactly, it's still a tree, there's still the ocean. Is that a lie? Because you didn't point it out. It is now. The ocean is now. Ocean is now. Exactly. It's all a lie. So, okay, okay, like you got this take care of this and all you guys are asking is it okay? Is it okay? Yes, if you feel it and something's hurting you and you're feeling like it's making you, you know, feel bad about yourself or not trusting

in your partner, whatever it is, then guess what, you guys, it's legit. I'm here to tell you that your feelings are real. What you're feeling in the moment is okay, and it's cool to share it with a loving, open partner. Alright, thanks, Michaela. Thanks, Jamie. This was fun. Okay, you guys, I love you all. Thank you so much for supporting the show and supporting our awesome sponsors. God, just keep saying it, touch with us, and thanks for listening, and thanks to our amazing team, Ken, volunteer Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.