Sex With Emily - Answering Your Questions, Loveline-Style w/ Dr. Drew

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

Remember Loveline? The call-in show hosted by Dr. Drew to get your love and dating questions answered? Well, it holds a special place in my heart because I used to co-host it! So today, in celebration of my career leading up to my new book Smart Sex (out today!), I’m inviting my dear friend Dr. Drew Pinsky onto Sex With Emily to help me answer your sex questions Loveline-style. First, what does it mean when you feel like your long-distance partner is following you to your next city? Next, a college guy wants to know: how do you find real connection amid hookup culture? Or what about moving on from a toxic sexual relationship: how do you claim your own desires, now that you’re single? All this and more with me and Dr. Drew.Show Notes:How to Make a Mess: Squirting, Face Ejaculation & Golden ShowersDouble the O, Double the Pleasure: How to Have Blended & Multiple OrgasmsORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureMEET ME ON TOUR! Sex With Emily Book Tour: SMART SEX Event DatesTAKE THE SEX IQ QUIZ! Email proof of purchase to [e-mail] and I’ll send you a link to take the quizPromescent.com/Emily (use this link to automatically save 15% at checkout)More Dr. Drew: Website | Dr.Drew.tv | Twitter | InstagramOpening UpOpen Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship AgreementThe Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual PossibilitiesOpen Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open RelationshipsCrazy on the Inside: A Memoir of Nobody SpecialPolysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non MonogamyThe Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy: Your Guide to Open Relationships, Polyamory and Letting GoMore Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And in the mean time, just date a lot. You've got essentially from 16 to 25 to make up for when you should have been dating and hanging out with lots of people and figuring out who you are and what you want, what you like. Go do that. It's just enjoy it. Don't worry about what's going to happen when, with whom, just enjoy hanging out with people getting some information.

Yeah, I think that's great. Great advice to not jump into another relationship right away. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Do you remember love line? Well, it was a call and radio show hosted by Dr. Dupinski to get your love and dating questions

answered. It was the first of its kind. Well it holds a special place in my heart because I used to co-host it. It was such an honor. So today in celebration of my career leading up to my new book Smart Sex Out Today, I'm inviting my dear friend Dr. Drew on to sex with Emily to help me answer your sex questions love line style. First, what does it mean when you feel like your long distance partner is following you

to your next city? Is that loving? Is it creepy? Next, a college guy wants to know, how do you find real connection amid hook-up culture? Or what about moving on from a toxic sexual relationship? How do you claim your own desires now that you're single? All this similar with me and Dr. Drew. Intentions with Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention

for the show and I encourage you all to do the same. My intention is to give you a little love line nostalgia, but also let you hear from people just like you who are navigating the tender world of sex and relationships. Hey, we're all learning. And after today's episode, I think you'll be able to give yourself grace the next time you run into challenges. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It really helps us.

Helps get the show out there to more people. My new articles how to make a mess in bed and double the O double the pleasure how to have blended and multiple orgasms are up and sex with Emily dot com. Also check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all at sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. If you wanna ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com

slash askemily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. All right guys, today is a very big day. My book Smart Sex is officially out in the world. You can buy it right now. Just click the link, could be at your house tomorrow and it really is the sex Bible.

And I'm gonna go on a limb and say, probably the last sex book you're ever gonna need. The thing about the book that I love is it took me almost two years to write this book. It's a lot of my greatest tips over the years. Everything that you've ever wanted to know about sex, but you know, there's a lot in there that I really have never shared before.

Not only about sex, I share stories out myself about my own relationships and why they ended. And decisions I made that I'm not proud of, but I've learned so much from I think you're going to be able to learn from my own stories. I really never had a chance to tell you about on the podcast all these years. And there's a lot about the psychology of sex. What's holding you back? And in fact, one of my favorite chapters is the positions chapter. Beyond the pictures, which are good time, I also give you the pros of each sex position, the cons of each sex position, and how to adapt each one. Also, chapters like ready-willing an

anal, another one my favorite chapters, where we go really into anal, giving and receiving, the same thing with going down the oral sex chapter. This is a special book, I know it's going to change your life. I appreciate all of you and you can buy it right now. It's available today. Order it now and get it tomorrow. Click the link in the show notes and put it to practice this weekend. It's that kind of book. Read it with your partner. Read it with your friends. My friends are already having book clubs where they're like sitting around, having margaritas, and then going home and having the best sex of their lives. So that's what I want for you.

Let's get some smart sex into your lives. Thank you everybody for supporting it. And I can't wait to hear what you think of the book. It's all happening today. Please, please, I love you all. I would love if you would order it now. And today, it really helps us. And we want to be on the New York Times Best Cellar List.

It's such an honor to make it to the New York Times Best Cellar List. I mean, you've got to sell a lot of books, but honestly, to see that other people thinking, wow, atomic habits and smart sucks, what does that mean? How can I have more pleasure in my life? How can I be smarter, actually? That's what you want. We just want more people than ever to have the sex life they deserve. That is my mission on the planet and I want it for you. I am so grateful for you all and all of your support. I love you all and I can't wait to talk about the book with you. Also, if you want to order it from Bookshop,

you can get 10% off with the code SmartSex. Lastly, this episode is brought to you by Promessit. I co-hosted Loveline 10 years ago, which is about the same time that I met the founder of Promessant, Jeff Abraham, and I just fell in love with their products. Let me tell you why. Promessant makes the one and only delay spray.

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for vulva owners, which I love. It's really fun to put down before partner sex, solo sex during the day. You put it on, you have this tinkling sensation, and you're like, okay, let's go. This feels good, I'm turned on. I've sworn by Provesant the last 10 years, if you want to hop on the Provesant Wave yourself,

go to promessant.com slash Emily to for 15% off. Dr. Drew Pinsky is a doctor in radio and television personality, most known for his monumental weekly sex and relationship radio show, Loveline. Dr. Drew has been featured on MTV, HLN, and the wildly popular celebrity rehab with Dr. Drew on VH1. He continues a legacy of Love line with his current podcast Dr. Drew after dark and also hosts the Dr. Drew podcast and ask Dr. Drew. So excited to be here with my good friend and former colleague, but I feel like we always collab together. Dr. Drew Pinsky. Thank you for being here. I refuse to be a former colleague. No,

we always have colleagues. We're always going to collab, your hair. I refuse to be a former colleague. No, mm-hmm. We always have colleagues. We're always going to collab, which is why I'm having you here today because I really think when I'm reflecting right now on this big day, my book's releasing, there's been almost 18 years doing this work that when I look back on it,

you've always been such a good friend and mentor. And the time that we spent at LoveLine was some of my favorite times and it was always a coveted to be on that show and then to get this next to you was such an honor and to be your friend out of the friend now. Turned out more than now. Well, listen, that you're very kind, but it was, I enjoyed it maybe more than even you. But as I look back, you know, there were chapters of that show, you know, it was 35 years, but you were a major chapter and when I think back to those shows, there was something special about those shows.

They were very fun. Yeah. I really enjoyed our time. Me and Mike Catherine were. Yeah. And then I got, you know, good, take in the collars. And that was fun. You know, and then I did the, the series show after that, but I enjoyed it too.

So how are you doing today? I'm good. I had some weird, ophthalmological symptoms. So I just got back from the ophthalmologist today? I'm good. I had some weird optimal logical symptoms. So I just got back from the ophthalmologist and my pupils look big because I had them dilated because I have stiff vitrious because my eyes are old and it's driving me to just crazy. But I'm getting everything like 10 years ahead of schedule except wrinkles. I know everything except wrinkles. I've turned wrinkles. I've been converted into end organ problems, major organ problems. Every time I see you, you look younger, so I can understand I think I wouldn't know.

But Drew, do you remember when we first met on Love Line? Do you remember that? That I came in? I just remember being intimidated. You were kind and cool. Good. But I was like, for so long, I was so excited to be, you love letting me know, just to remind everyone

that love line was around for 35 years. It was the first call in, I guess set the context here because some people might not know, is that first call in sex talk radio show ever, right? Was it, or the one that's ready for sure? Ruth was alongside of it, for sure. Ruth was a long story. Yeah, Ruth was alongside of it, but I kept taking great issue with her

because I kept, and by the way, I love her and I've met her since and she is a delightful person and talent. But I kept saying, look, there's serious medical shit going on. We have these thing called AIDS. You've not heard about it. We have to talk about it.

She kept saying, you need to have good sex. I'm like, yeah, young people, they got that part down. It was the 80s, there was a lot of it going on. It just they were having biological consequences and nobody was paying any attention to that. So that's sort of what got me started and the whole thing.

But by the time you came to us, it was, what was the year? 2012, I was gonna say. 2012 to 2017, I just moved to LA. They're like, we're trying out female hosts. I was like, this is I've been made for this job. I already been doing my podcast at the time for maybe I would do my podcast for seven years at the time

and just reminded everyone, when I started my podcast in 2005, Love Line was at the time, the only show that was doing this. I met our friend Max Krasnick because someone set up a new thing for him and I said, I wanna be on the radio and do things like well, look, Love Line 10 years to be fully syndicated.

It was just the show that I, 10 years. You know, admired it. Everyone learned about sex through YouTube. Took 15 years for, it took 10 years to, for it to go from one night a week to five nights a week. That was 10 years.

And then it went to five nights a week and then like five years later it got syndicated. But you got syndicated really, really because of MTV. I mean, that was sort of the driving. How do you add up? Yeah, that was sort of the driving force. And those years when you were in there,

I'm so curious to pick your brain too, because I remember us having a lot of fun, right? It was a very upbeat time. And Mike is always fun and funny, but so were you. And by the time those years came around, did you go all the way to the end? I did. Wow.

It was me, you and Adam were on the last show. Oh my God. And so, oh my God, that's so crazy. And by the time we got to that point, we were dealing with a lot of other stuff, right? I mean, all the biological stuff was around, but people had the internet so they could find information. And you know, we never really did get into, we sort of gender and that kind of stuff. They really wasn't happening yet, which is interesting that it's only been five or six years. I think our last show was in 2017, and I guess a lot has changed,

but if you had to think through of all the years, if I asked you, what are the three most common questions you got asked for 35 years on Love Line? What did you say, what would you have to say they were? If you've been on After Dark yet, the Dr. Dr. After Dark had called me. What was the one that I was on recently? No, I was on the Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Drians. It's sort of a new version of Love Line. It's called Dr. Draftordar. And it's more of a video thing.

It's very complicated. Yeah, you gotta come. You gotta come. And we've lately started taking phone calls even. So it's like the old days, it's just sort of stem. And lo and behold, in spite of there being all the information and all the stuff available, same old questions. Same stuff starts coming out.

Exactly! Yeah, same stuff. And at the core, I'm sorry to tell you, there's two themes that one theme that men call with and one theme that women call with. And women actually have been mixing up a little more than they used to. I gotta have, women have evolved.

So that's good. Men, same thing. Am I normal and more specifically, my penis? Is this normal? Is that normal? Is it behaving normal? Is it acting normal? Is it normal size?

Is it normal? I just have everything. Normal, angled normal, everything. Now, Susan is on the other end of the mic here and she always used to call, Susan, are you still there? What did you use to call? What did you use to call? Love line. Penis line because and and and after dark still has some of that same stuff right hours hours of men's penises. Oh my god. I know my normal is my penis normal. It's what it's doing normal. Yeah. Yeah. And so and to some extent, I mean, it makes sense? Is my pain just normal? It's what it's doing normal. Okay. Yeah.

And to some extent, I mean, it makes sense if you understand the neurobiology of a male system, there's a lot of nerve material hooked into our essential nervous system from that region, a lot. And so like when men come out of coma, the first thing they start doing is messing with their junk. Not unconsciously, just automatically, before they even get to consciousness. And just because there's stuff going on and they just, that's where their hands go, where

there's something going on. This is soothing too for men, isn't it kind of a shock soothing? Sure, sure. Some of it's that. It's just, it's everything. Not all things, right. And so there's still that, men are still worried that they're not normal. And I would say probably Little more normal on a little more emphasis on the performance these days as opposed to in the past what it actually was you know

Issues of anatomy and function and that kind of stuff and you can sort of figure that out from the internet now I think which is probably why the performance is more of an issue. And then for women, it was always what the fuck is up with, man? What is going on with these? I can't figure this dude out. I can't figure this. I put it, like, it's all a big mystery. Like, I spent a lot of time, you probably remember back in the old days, I would just say, it's so simple.

So don't overthink it. It's more, it's so simple, it's disappointing. And that's what women don't like. The men are actually food, sex, climax. That's about it. That's not a lot else going on. And so when you start making more out of it, you're oftentimes moving away from what's really going on.

Wait, Drew, this is so interesting. So do you mean the conversations about why can't I expect more from him, like more of the emotional intelligence stuff of the, because isn't that what we're thinking about? No, no, no, no, to be... Yeah, to be, you know, you and I have talked about this stuff over the years, of course. And to ask for more, see, men aim to please, but you have to be very specific and very explicit with us. You can't hint, you can't expect us to know,

it just does not work like that. You have to be like, Susan, you're staying in the room here, so I'm gonna bug you, okay, you ready? Okay, she used to go, I need more romance and intimacy and I would hear Charlie Brown's teacher, like, Moa, Moa, Moa, Moa, right? Susan, remember those days? Yeah, in my therapist said we need to take more breaks. Yeah, okay

So good, okay, you never did right you never did Well, now we're better right yeah, because our kids are 30 so it's a lot easier to get away right and but I think I'm more I don't know I'm more present right now, they? Yeah, you're here all the time. Right, okay. Now it's going the other way. You're too present. Too much too much. Get out of here.

Get out of here. Yeah, can I go now? No. You know what? If you do, turn the air on a little bit harder here. Wait, wait, wait, that's so interesting. So I love you, Susan Pinsky. First lady of love.

I love you too, Emily Morris. This is so great. So specifically like romance. And people say that all the time, like I need you to make it effort. But what does it mean? So, Susan, that Morris. This is so great. So specifically like romance and people say that all the time, like I need you to make it effort. But what does it mean? So, we have no idea. We're so explicit.

We're really literal. We're very literal with everything. So. So true, dude. Very task-oriented. So what we're saying is I like to make things into like a teachable moment here. Yeah.

And what I'm hearing is I'm actually thinking to my friend Lisa Bilyu, Lisa and Tom Bilyu, they've got podcasts, impact theory, I bet on their shows, they're old friends. They've been together 20 years. And so what she said to me when they first started, they're not when they first started, maybe 10 years ago, she really wanted flowers on Valentine's Day. It was so important to her. And every year he'd forget. And finally,

she literally called his assistant, put it on his calendar, buy me flowers. And she, it's my team so simple. And people go, well, if I have to ask for it, it doesn't really mean anything. No, it means that she calendar, buy me flowers. And it's my team so simple and people are like, oh, well, if I have to ask for it, it doesn't really mean anything. No, it means that she gets her flowers need met. If you don't ask for it, ain't gonna happen. Like, at least help us understand what you want. And if we get, and it will make mistakes too,

like if we can forget, and it's like not okay to forget once it has been made clear to you, right? I mean, once you do understand what what's needed and you either don't make the effort or you forget or whatever, that's not okay. I mean, it's not that that doesn't happen. It does. But but to make more of it, because that is the other, the third question, which is how do you get people to sort of do what you want in a relationship kind of? How do you? It's like repetition though too, I think going back to what you said, to tell someone something once and expect them to change.

Would it be ever change? Go change is hard. Change is really hard. You need support in a relationship to change. You need a partner who's on the same page with you and who's like, I'm willing to help you along here get my needs met. I don't know why that's so important. There are actually scientific disciplines built around changes. I don't know why that's so important. Yeah.

There are actually scientific disciplines built around changes. I'm sure you're aware. Yeah. There's sort of, there's free contemplative, contemplative, planning, change, and then maintenance. That's what is required for a simple change for a human being. You have to think about it. You have to convince yourself you're going to do it.

You have to decide you're going to do it. You have to plan to do it. You have to do it. And then the hardest part is the maintenance. You have to maintain the change. And that's the part that everybody screws up on. They feel like, oh, I did it now. And everything goes back the way it was.

Maintaining change is a, you know, one day at a time. It's a daily process. And having worked in that world of change, you know, when people's lives depend upon it. And when their's lives depend upon it, and when their whole biology is fighting them, I've learned to see how difficult change can be for people. Wow. You mean like in Rick or three halves? In addiction, yeah. In addiction.

And consistency, I guess, is that maintenance? You have to be, I just find like for myself, I have to be consistent with things. Well, consistent, but it requires, different things require different processes, but they all require an active either procedure or process. It's something you're doing on a regular basis. Even Aristotle pointed it out, you know, whatever was 3,000 years ago, which was that, you know, things like character and habits need to be a way of life. They need to be a regular

thing. You can't just expect to have, you know, high virtue, just because you declare yourself a virtuous person, you have to practice it and then do it on a regular basis. He was saying back many thousand years ago that it was true of character, but I think it's true of morality and everything. I think you've got to practice these things so they become automatic. It's so true, Drew. It's all practice, practicing. Even you're like, I think about this too,

your self esteem or confidence. And people are asking about all those things too. It's a practice, all the personality traits, you know? Things that you want to, things that you covet, things that you want to change. Like it is a practice to keep yourself. Did I read that in your book about confidence? Yeah, I do.

Yeah. Yeah, because I thought you kind of nailed it when brought up again just now, which is a confidence isn't something you declare. You don't magically have, you don't, you know, I mean, self talk is helpful. It's not gonna hurt you, but the self talk about being confident

doesn't make you confident. It's it's being a certain kind of personal living, a certain kind of life, engaging in certain practices over and over and over again. Okay. So men are simpler than we think we have to be specific. Okay. So what about the women? What have we found is the theme there?

So I spent a lot of years saying that the female brain was superior to the male brain, that we needed the men to be listening to the women's instincts in relationships and to follow with some of the access to emotion and intimacy and things that women seem to have with greater ease than men do. I don't know anymore if that's, we may have gone too far with that, I don't know, because there needs to be some mutuality in it. Like there's there's benefits of both. And it it feels like since the Me Too movement,

men have been so marginalized that they're actually frightened and feel diminished and feel like they're not worthwhile. And that wasn't ever my point. That was not what I was saying. What I was saying was you just got to trust this brain. This brain has a lot of attributes that your brain does not have. And there's a lot of richness there that you could have access to that you may not realize your access to. Instead, we've gone, this is a better brain, which I was advocating. And you with your toxic brain male, that, no good, marginalized.

Yes, that's good that everyone. That's true. So yeah, big mistake, big mistake. Well, a doubt that we're just different. And many of these were very similar. Course way more similar is the differences. Of course, I mean, yes, I get it. But there are differences that we can sort of learn.

I mean, it's not an accident. But you're seeing this with men. And I think we did talk about this on your show too, but about men feeling like since me too, that they don't really know how to be in relationship with women at all. Like, you get work. It is not good. I'm feeling my senses. That's why women are sort of drifting towards older men

because older men don't feel that way. The way the younger ones have been crushed by, you know, they're, they're, they're entered their adulthood with this, your bad, your, your rapist, your, an abuser, your toxic, and, and they don't want to be seen that way at all, of course not. Yeah. And so they get confused. And, and then they don't practice the skills that are necessary to navigate relationships and dating and breaking up and forming relationships, they just don't have that.

And there we go. Good time for everybody. Because they're like failure to launch. They're not even trying. They don't even have the- They just don't know where to start. I think they should start now that my book came out today. I do think it's a call for smart theft.

Start with your book. Five pillars. Five pillars of sexual intelligence. You know, you're a really emotional intelligence came out in the 90s. It was like, oh, I just thought my SAT store is maybe smart. And then you're like, Oh, I have great empathy. I have compassion. I know, you know, and I think the same thing goes for, I know the same thing goes for sexual intelligence to understanding that it's not just one thing. It's not the size of your penis. It's not your body. It's not how you feel about your body, but there's, you know, your health, your wellness, all the things. And that is something that you point out in the book and that's something that was sort of,

I guess what I'm leaning on is the idea that that was a mental health and physical health was always thought to be very embedded in that really since the days of Freud. That was an important thing. And then we sort of split it like there's that and then there's health and they are all very Intimately entwined. Right sex has been sort of siloed. It's a separate thing that will get to the day that will deal with it I don't really know what's happening and I think a lot of people sort of go in the bedroom And they think they just like kind of close their eyes hope for the best right not sure what's gonna happen And by the way we were watching 90-day fiance last night and this kind of college was talking to one of the women and for the best, right? Not sure what's going to happen. And by the way, we were watching 90

day fiance last night. And this kind of college was talking to one of the women. 90 fiancees, a sign of how bad COVID was for us. The fact that we still want you. But Susan just screamed at us, goes, that's the wrong doctor. Don't talk to that guy. He's not here. You can't talk about these things, which I find just terribly Responsible my profession when they can't talk about that as part of your overall health What happened she would say gynecologist and he wouldn't talk to her about it. Is that what you're saying? She wanted a vaginoplasty and he got very uncomfortable and she wanted to talk about her Partners performance and whether a vaginoplasty could help with that and he was just like I've heard enough I've heard everything. I don't normally talk about it. You're a kind of

Colleges. This is a job. This is what I'm glad we're bringing this up because so many people so many women That's the only doctor they go to from everything and then when they go for sex challenges Perry Manipaus or Manipaus or any of those things a lot of times Western doctors who've been trained in gynecology the last whatever 30 years Don't have the up-to-date knowledge in understanding, I don't have, are they still taboo and shameful to talk about sex? Well, it's not the taboo, they just don't have a skill set and they're uncomfortable.

And they're uncomfortable, and that's like, that's irresponsible to be like that you're uncomfortable. The patient's uncomfortable. You had a urologist like that. Yeah, so you wanted to talk about sex because the game is book. You had a urologist like that. Yeah. So I wanted to talk about sex because the game was book to read

before his prostate cancer removal. He said that I was gonna have to start having sexual acts with him after he got out of the OR. And I was like, I was like, this is weird. Like, and I asked him, I go, how long is it gonna be before he can have sex? And he started giggling. And I was like, dude, but, and then I was like, I don't like this guy.

He's not answering my question. I'm not trying to be cute, okay? I just want to do the fact. And you were the one that yelled out on the... Same thing with her on 90-day fiance. The TV show, that's the thing. I want to know when his penis is going to be a wrecked again. Exactly.

That's all I want to know. Wait, why is he a relativist laughing at a penis question? I don't know. That makes zero sense to me. That's weird. That is weird. That is weird. That is weird. We changed doctors, by the way. I'm glad to hear it. I remember all of that Drew. I remember all that you went through. Were you around for all that? I was around Drew. That was like, yeah, was that eight years ago? 10. No. It was like, well, the surgery was like the surgery was like 2000. I must have what you started when what year 2012? That's about when I had the surgery just before that.

Like a year after that. I think that's what we were so that close. Oh, yeah, because I was in the hospital the same time. I remember this. I got some kind of weird sickness and then you were in hospital too. And we were texting and good times we were bonding in the hospital I think you made a good point It's not that they don't have the knowledge or it's taboo with it that's literally the conversation around sex in

2023 still is not normalized not even for your guy and some of your gynecologist and you're all just not even for humans to talk to their partner So that that being so you have to you have to sort of speculate So you have to you have to sort of speculate that there's some sort of natural discomfort that humans have with the topic for some reason that there just is and I I have a hard time putting it on society per se because no one ever says don't talk about that anymore there's just that doesn't happen I mean maybe in certain settings I'm sure it does culturally religion yeah and then I get it when people are uncomfortable. But mostly people are encouraged to talk about it.

I mean, look, we're having all these battles and amongst the various political groups now about stuff being talked about too soon, in a kindergarten and third grade. And when do we talk about this? And what do we normalize? And it's, but it's clearly in the discussion now, people are talking about this stuff. And yet still, people have weird discomfort.

When people used to email me and say, well, my boyfriend and I were driving and we listened for 12, I was like, why, God, that sounds like a long time to listen to my podcast for 12 hours. And I always forget that we're at a road trip. I think the more you hear people talking about something in a way that's like, you know, sunny with a chance of orgasms, the weather and there's that that kind of thing is like, oh, I have permission to do it. It's because you're even in the most liberal homes. Parents are still not talking to their kids about sex. My friends say to me, I know my son's masturbating,

but what am I going to do about it, right? So I do think it starts younger. I do think it has. And yet in situations where I have seen it opened up, the kids are uncomfortable. They're why you put it me through this. Why did you have to talk to them about this? I don't really want to talk about it. You forced me to talk about it. So they have the discomfort as well as the parent. I think if they just say that.

Is it or is there something about us as humans that that sort of automatically weirdly happens? I don't know. I mean, we're both, probably both. Most things are both. Let's say. Most things are both. But again, I go to the Dutch countries in the Netherlands

and they're the only place in the world that has this comprehensive sex education that when the kids are young, baby, they name the parts. You're vagina, you're vulva, you're penis, they don't have any shame around sex. They talk about masturbation, they talk about consent, who can touch them at young ages, and then every year they have sex at.

And so in those countries, it's the only, it's been studied by other sex educators. It's just, they do it right, and it's not weird or awkward. Like the parents know when they're having sex, and sex is still hot, and there's fewer teen pregnancies and people have more pleasure. Because you are sex education in America, it's all fear and danger, there's no pleasure and joy.

Like it's all like, you're gonna get pregnant, you're gonna see, but what if there was something like masturbation, you're gonna wanna touch yourself. So you just say, anyway, so that's, that's, I think you're right, I think you're right. I think that's true. I think there should be some of that. Like, yeah, parent to dog room, but your parents just flying at 13 and talking about sex come into your room

And you're like are you gonna touch your penis? That's a lot, but if we start younger, it's not so weird So that's the world I want to see Drew What about women? Oh you said it women are just kind of like what the hell is going on with this guy? Well, yeah, I get trying to make sense of man It's very hard for them and and I was just encouraging to keep it simple, very simple. It's usually not complicated, whatever it is. I mean, as you know, there's all kinds of pathologies that enter into relationships, right?

And often traumatic reenactments and all that good stuff. And so that all figures in too, but I can't think of any specific examples off top of my head, but generally I'm just encouraging people to keep it simple. When you're understanding what your male partner wants. What does he want? I can make it this way. And that way it's like, it's a lot of, well, let's be fair.

A lot of the stuff that I'm answering particularly these days again is performance stuff. And women are wondering about that too with the men. He never ejaculates or ejaculate too quick or you know and and of course if it's he never ejaculates women always blame themselves always which is never the case never never never. Uh, I mean, just think of the 90 day fiance woman getting a vaginal plastic because she decided that's the reason he has a late ejaculation.

Oh my gosh, blaming herself because we don't have enough information. What if memory, like, here's your owner's menu to your penis? You might come too quickly, you might have delayed a calculation, I remember we had a lot of delayed a judgment too. And whatever happens in our sexual performance has nothing to do with you.

Exactly. We all blame ourselves, but men don't blame, well, men do blame themselves if their partner has even orgasmed sometimes, right? But they blame themselves less. But again, we keep it simple. Like, I didn't go long enough or I didn't know. I'm not, something about, you know, it goes to for men is their adequacy. I'm not adequate for this to make this happen for her.

You know, I'm not up to it because believe me, the reason he's there is because he really, really, really wants to be there not because he's not a little Sort of attracted to you or he's you know worried about something you see in the mirror and you think that's what he sees He does not see that for promise He's not thinking about that at all the things that's keeping We are cock blacking ourselves from their best sex because we are so worried about what someone's thinking and they're not thinking that. I wish I could just wave a one and everyone could be like,

okay, I'm not gonna worry about that anymore. What would happen? Yeah, the inventories, the inventories that women keep and take. Exactly. Man, if they have a problem, they just go, I'm not up to it. I'm not good enough.

That's sort of where they go. And then they took out, maybe they don't even stick and try to make it work sometimes. Yeah, maybe, yeah, sure. Yeah, because they feel embarrassed and they feel not up to it and you'd be better off without me and all that kind of talk. True. I appreciate you being here and I love that we are reminiscing about our time on love

like. Well, let's let's talk about let's talk. Well, let's do some more reminiscing. Okay. So, so I how did you get well were the first shows like I can't, you were just there all day. I just got matched. Like, I think I came in one day and then another woman and I'm like, you win. And then I was there on Thursdays and then since I would stay longer. But I, I just, you know, it really was the highlight of my week, 10 to midnight. Yeah. And, and a lot of

the stuff that Mike invented happened during those days, too, like the, the you live thing. Were you there when he invented that you lived? Yeah, you live. People love that. He was a character. And he and Rudy, we had a few Rudy visits. I'm sure when you were there. Yes, Rudy. Oh my god. Just, I don't know. Just like, I'm trying to think about, I guess we'd get more sex, we always had sex questions when I was there. A lot of sex toys. We talked a lot about sex toys, of course, like we always do.

Did we, was that woman that the Tupperware lady around when you were there, do you remember her? Oh, tell me more. She was a kink sort of dominatrix or something. And we get paid to pee and poo on people. Oh, okay. And one guy would have her send his poo in a Tupperware container,

which we found just astonishing and bizarre, bewildering and confusing. And we tried and I think her name was Kathleen or Catherine or something. I told you one of this. And we had a million questions for her like really like who what kind of guy is this what it's like for what. What she called into I remember her too. Do you remember this story? There was a guy he called it and I don't know if it was like confessions or remember we said that question and I like

what like it was a confessions confess that he had been lying to his girlfriend of two years, telling her that he was a doctor. Maybe it was even longer than that. I remember this. I told her he was a doctor. So every day he left in scrubs. And then he would like drive out of that. He would like change the car.

And he was like, I don't know what he did. Worked in like mechanic or something, but then he would come home and scrub for like over two years. It was crazy. He literally thought he was like, go to the hospital, do in the work. did work in like mechanic or something, but then he would come home and scrub for like over two years. It was crazy. He literally thought he was like, go to the hospital, do in the work and he wasn't. So I don't know why that always remember that.

I remember that one vividly. That was, we were all not happy with that. We were very unhappy with that, dude. And it was, but there's a really interesting question, or sort of topic, you'd be embedded in that, which is, you know, what do people keep from each other? How do you fully trust in the person or should you or, you'd be embedded in that, which is, you know, what do people keep from each other? How do you fully trust the person or should you or can you?

Yeah. And he really brought that issue home. Yeah, true, so true. Don't change the channel, because when we're back, Dr. Drew and I answer your voice mails, a love line style. All right, Dr. Drew. So our first voicemail comes from Jenny, who's 23 years old.

Hi, Emily. I'm 23. Basically, I've been in a relationship with a man for the past two years, and we did long distance for the past year, and I decided to move to Texas, and he is following me there, and I basically am just feeling a little bit lost on what to do and how to navigate this because I do love him but a part of me thinks that I need to explore other people and that the idea of being with the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with right now is just really overwhelming to me. And so I wanted to know what your thoughts on that were.

We've both already signed the leases. We're not living together but we've both already signed the leases. We're not living together, but we've both already signed the leases. And I'm just trying to navigate this situation in the best way I can. So thank you, I love your show. Go. I got a lot of thoughts. First of all, well, basically, remember that?

Yes. Yes. She said basically several times, which was something Mike. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Which is that we Mike made fun of a lot back on the day. So she 23 for goodness sakes. Of course, she doesn't know, you know, who she won't spend the rest of her life with. And I don't know how she went from a long distance relationship to this. I have to get engaged to this, except that he has moved his whole life down to Texas. I get now you feel the burden of having sort of, I'm sure you didn't ask him to do that, but you might have spoken up before he did that

and now you feel guilty on top of everything else. But look, I would argue two things in the strongest terms, well, three things. And let me tell you a few, if you agree on this, for us, you're only 23 years old. Of course, you want to date around and meet other people. It's the healthiest thing in the world, of course.

And you don't want to commit to somebody's restaurant. Maybe you'll go back to this guy, maybe you won't. I don't know. You can't even really think about that right now, number one. Number two, if you were to commit to him now, you would destroy this thing eventually. It would not be a happy marriage. It just wouldn't be. You can't do something when you're really not ready and have lots of doubts. And number three, I'm going to bet this isn't the guy for you. I'm just guessing. It could be, but I'm going to bet not.

Yeah, I'm not feeling it at 23. And she said he followed me there, right? And she's feeling lost. And she doesn't like the idea of being with the person who's got the rest of my life with us overwhelming to me. That's enough information right there. Like to me, she knows it. She's got to be honest.

And don't let him in love that you're not living together and don't let them move in and start speaking your truth now. Like I think that we think has to be this huge conversation. It's a breakup or a stay together, but what does she started to explain to him? I'm having some concerns. Things are coming up for me. That's the healthiest thing to do, I think, rather than just cutting it. Let's talk about these feelings.

And if he's like, what do you mean? You know, you're overwhelmed. But one of them that also, you're going to have more information. I think in relationships, if we have healthy conversations, we're always gathering information. Gathering data. We don't have to make it decision yet. Yeah, agreed. And pay attention.

You better pay attention too, because the data's embedded in there. Hi, my name is Whitley. I am 32. I am a brand new listener to the podcast. I have only ever had one sexual partner. We've actually been together since I was 16. My husband and I have been married for 10 years this year when I found out that he has been having a major affair. So I am divorcing. I'm going to use single mom of two very small children and have realized that I

have been in a pretty sexually abusive relationship, not in like he forced sex on me or anything, but more in that it was basically forced to do with when he wanted, only when he wanted it. I was demeaned a lot of the time, and so I don't know how to like forward, being a sexual being, and learning what I like and what I don't like and what I want. Because in the past, I tried to get what I want. I was basically told, no, that's wrong, you look ugly, I don't like that, so it's a lot. Okay, bye. Wow, that's a lot.

That's a lot. Thank you so much for your question. So she's a, oh, that is a lot. That's a lot. Thank you so much for your question. So she's 32, got married 10 years ago. So there's the case of someone at 23, not really knowing their partner to circle back. But what's your first thoughts here? That's a lot to unpack. On one hand, I have like a feeling of sadness

that this all happened and that she's stuck then with two kids. And now she's ever to deal with all this. On the other hand, I kind of feel like, first of all, I didn't notice a lot of sadness in her. And maybe just we weren't talking to her long enough, but I didn't notice it. It makes me think she really is coming to terms

with the reality of this thing. It's like, she should not have done this. This, they've been to guys, they were 16. How the hell, how could they possibly, they weren't, they were kids and they made this commitment, they did this thing and I wish they could have stayed together for the family, for the kids, but it's not to be. And in that transition, there's great opportunity

for Whitley, I mean, I sort of purred it in her voice, I think, like a sense of being released from their prison. And I think she will find a lot of very open willing partners out there. She got to understand this man aimed to please. You tell them what you want. They're usually on it. They don't, unless it's something really outside of their repertoire, like really makes them uncomfortable. They usually just, right? Let's thank you. Let's get on with that. So I think she should be completely at her liberty to do that. And in the meantime, just date a lot. You've got essentially, you know, from 16 to 25 to make up for when you should have been dating and hanging out with lots of people and figuring

out who you are, what you want, what you like. Go do that. It's just enjoy it. And don't worry about what's going to happen when, with whom, just enjoy just hanging out with people. It's great advice to not jump into another relationship right away. I want to say thank you Whitley for reaching out with this question, really. And I think to answer your question here about how does she move forward as sexual being and to learn what she likes and what she doesn't like because in the past But she she knows Because she could never express herself. I'm sure that's yeah, she says Learning what I like what I don't like and what I want because in the past when she tried

Yeah, yeah, that's wrong and you look ugly. I don't like that. Oh my God. How awful. This is it. Sorry, this guy was awful. I mean, it was a father. That's how sexist has to go. I'm really proud of her for moving on to after finding out the affair. Like that's hard to do. Like I, yes, I think just to leave it to put up and like I've got two small kids to finally leave after it's been abusive for so long So hopefully she's gonna get to the side She is feeling hopeful because she did that and I think that she knows that she can take care of herself and figure out Yeah, and again, it's that they always say that mental health is about accepting a reality and managing the

Regulating and managing the feelings around accepting reality on reality's terms Hmm, and I feel like she's in reality I want to get to that in a minute about mental health and sex. But I would also say to learn who you are as a sexual being is a process. And I love that you have the opportunity right now to figure out like huge band of masturbation. Get smart sex.

Look at the pillars and see where can you build more of your self-ignolage and self-acceptance and understanding yourself. And you know what? She is a perfect candidate for your book. Yeah okay so thanks for your question Whitley we got you. Hey Emily is Jacob from Raleigh North Carolina. I'm 22 years old. I'm just curious because I've had special relationships in college and like they've been good like somewhere with Con and someone without and I'm having've been good like somewhere with Conham someone without and

I'm having trouble finding that like connection with the girl because it's like a college hookup and the condom just like Doesn't make it feel like I don't feel anything like I don't feel anything like use a condom And it's like I don't have any alternative to go to no condom because you know like I was raised like in a family Where it's like okay? You're not having a kid, you know until you're ready and it's like if your wrist just seems so high but also from another aspect it's just like I'm having trouble building a relationship with somebody because it's just strictly you know if you're just having sex I feel like you know you go out you party and you know you're not doing four play just getting treated sex and I wake up and I grow up in my bed and I just don't

know how to find that fire with women anymore because sex just isn't cutting it for me. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Huh. Oh my God. So I love him. Yeah. Can you? Can you? So is it about condoms? So he says just a recap here. He's in sexual relationships. Summer with condoms are without. You can't feel it about condoms? So he says just a recap here. He's in sexual relationships, some are with condoms or without. He can't feel anything with condoms because he's, you know, we're having kids, but also he's having trouble building a relationship because it's just strictly sex. He's, you know, he's just having sex and, you know,

probably drug sex and there's no more play. Well, this is sort of a good example of how literal men are. His brain, his young brain, and he's trying to struggle with, figure out why he doesn't feel a connection. He's concluded that it must be because I'm not having skid vagina contact when I have sex. That's why I can't feel close to somebody. That's literally what he's thinking. And as a male, I understand that

young brain would go there. Like that's everything is the sex. Therefore, if that's in any way interrupted, of course, that's why I can't make contact. He doesn't really understand intimacy. And again, young male, not surprising. That's pretty much all of us. And you're good at this topping. I'm a little too swipe at it probably more than I can, but I would just say a good way in is to take sex off the table and start building time, logging hours with people you want to hang out with, breaking bread, learning about them, asking questions, telling them about yourself and see what happens. See if you can find that thing we call

relationship and then see if sex grows. That is that is Exactly what I would say to you that he's got to start what I'd say to him is he's got to start building these relationships But let me go back to something. I don't know if I thought about this too So you're saying that the condoms it's not about that him not being able to feel it because I've always thought tired I'm going to feel anything. It's like a raincoat on my dick. But what you're saying is, it's really because he has no connection. It's like it's that on top of the fact

that there's no intimacy. He's concluded that I can't do it. He's concluded that because I'm not feeling anything. Right. That must be the reason I'm not having intimacy, which of course, no. Yeah, true. It's just interesting.

I never thought that you could find another thing. I never put it to the fact of like, you feel less, especially if you don't have intimacy, which of course, no, it's just interesting. I never thought that you'd go on and say, I never put it to the fact of like, you're kind of, you feel less, especially if you don't have intimacy, but if you're with somebody that you connect with and whatever, you wouldn't mind. The kind of would be just part of it. You wouldn't really think about it like that. It's really not that that's happening to him. He's just struggling trying to figure out why he does not feel a connection.

And because he doesn't really understand the, he doesn't understand intimacy. He's exactly made a false conclusion. Okay. So Jacob, I think we're really agreement here that it's time to not just have the drunk hook up sex and to start to speak friends with women. Take, take that off the table. Take that away. Let's go hang out with people and intimate connection and context where you can, where people are open themselves to you, but don't have any expectations. Just go look, you're learning about these things.

You're trying to figure out how it all works. Exactly, that's how you do it. Exactly, I'm trying to think back from college, like I remember after class, some guy be like, hey, you want to study together, right? That's how we would meet. Are you gonna go to the bar tonight? And you know, just you're in college,

like start talking about that's the other thing, Drew, people don't have experience just going up and saying, hi anymore. They're not doing anymore, that's what start talking to me. That's the other thing drew people don't have experience just going up and saying high anymore They're not doing anymore. That's what we had to do. I know now we don't have to do that anymore That's how I met all my boyfriend's Previous cell phones I met either a fix up But usually it was like I met him out at the state of party or I met him on the street And they were like hey, and you start talking to him people are gonna bring that back just basic conversation

Okay, we've got another one for you that may want. Yes, yes I am. Okay, fun. Hi, I'm Emily, my name's Brandon, I'm 29. I'm calling because my partner and I have recently decided to open our marriage and it's rolling pretty fast. And my concerns are kind of a lot, but they're related to things that I know you could answer. My partners move fairly clinically in this and we've been married about 10 years and I'm

just wanting to make sure since I'm going along with it that I'm doing it in a way that won't potentially ruin us. Anyways, I listen to your shows all the. And yeah, thank you so much. Thank you. Open marriage, Drew. That's what's changed in the last 15 years. And more and more people are open to Navin Agumi. But I know you've switched your thoughts on this, opening it up.

I just never see it work out. I mean, it goes for a while. And then it just ends in a pile of dust. It just, you know my friend, Jason Ellis. OK, he and Tady had a very open all over the place and and it they celebrated it and I thought wow Here are two people I guess they can really make this work except now they're getting divorced They are in in a massive mess and Not a real ends in unhappiness. Because humans, you just can't predict.

It's too, too many feelings, too much boundaryless. It can be very exciting, very interesting. People can have all kinds of enjoyment from it, but I've never seen it not. I thought I found one. I thought I found J.D. and Jason. I did too. I did not know that.

No, even, I thought to myself when I heard about this, and I've talked to them both about this, that even you guys, even yeah, I thought to myself when I heard about this that I and I've talked to them both about this That even you guys even you it ends in misery and then people go oh, well, you know Monogamous couples end that way too. Yeah. Yeah. I'll grant you that they do but not always and my experience with the open stuff Is it always goes down in flames it may take 10 years and when it goes down It's just awful for people because it's all kinds of unanticipated hurt feelings. And then people feel like they let the other person down or they are inadequate because they shouldn't have these feelings. And it just goes all over the place. Yeah, that's interesting, too. I'm surprised about them.

The only couples that I have seen it work, and I do have friends who have made it work over the years for like 10, 15 years. Not many, but a few. And for them, and this is definitely not for everybody at all, but they literally practices very rigorous honesty about everything, and they talk in talk, and they talk more, and they analyze every time they go out with someone else, they talk about it, or they open it up, and they close it again, or they go to like sex parties or they there's different ways to play around. But yeah, it is trickier and I think that there's some great books that I can recommend to people. I think one is like opening up and there's a few more we'll put

on the show notes, but I I think you should see a therapist about it. I think that you should have a contract. I should keep talking about it, but it's definitely not for everybody. The other thing I have found is usually one person really wants it, the other person just sort of agrees to it. And that's never good either. That's never good. You do not want to talk your partner into any open relationship or my partner wants me to have a three-some, like that's going to be a disaster.

You have to have the three-some. But how about, but how about, okay, how about if both are, so even that can really end up in, oh, not, not good place. But what if somebody hires a professional? The third person is somebody that literally is hired to be the third person. That to me, it's like, well, that's a boundary at least. You know, to me, at least there's not the opportunity for things to go. What a control.

It's really about excellent communication and knowing your boundaries and gosh, many couples just don't. It's not for everybody, but I do have noticed that somebody'm sure somebody makes it work. I'm sure some of you make it work. I thought I'd found them even though they were wild though. I mean, they're a good time. Okay, Druth, that was a blast. I have to ask you the quicky questions that we ask all of our guests. Okay. Five questions ready. Okay. What is your biggest turn on? Okay, what is your biggest turn on? Really, probably a partner climaxing. Ooh, okay.

Biggest turn off. Somebody, your partner's not into it or uncomfortable in some way, that would be like no good. What makes good sex? These sound like such bizarre sweeping kinds of answers, but I mean for me, it's just something I just have to be just crazy attracted to. Like I really, really super crazy attracted to making things good for me.'s just something I'm just have to be just crazy attracted to like I really really super crazy attracted to making

Mix good for me something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships You know I I remember My parents didn't have a great relationship and so I always thought that after marriage I it's one of the reasons I delayed marriage is sort of like I was in my head thought well There's you have good time. You have fun. You get married then you die. And so I would what I would tell my younger self is you pick the right person. Things continue to flourish and maybe get better.

Wow. You ensues in couples goals. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? Number one thing. Well, it's like saying yourologist, teach me about the heart. And so the number one thing, I kind of feel that thing we talked about with women blaming themselves for things that men experienced, that has always really bothered me. Because it's so, it's almost heartbreaking for me to say, we haven't do that. It's unfair, they do it to themselves,, it's not, it's not right.

It's not what's happening. And if they just understood that, it would create a lot more happy. That's true. So God, that's a good one. I'm glad we hammered that home. Thank you, Dr. Drew, for being here. I so appreciate you. Where can people find you these days? We are do with Dr. com where you can find after dark and you can also find out my other podcast. I do want to still with Adam after all these years he and I've been doing a podcast for years and I do one by myself that Emily was just now on and I do a streaming show Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at three o'clock Pacific time on drdrew.tv and Susan created and produces this thing and it's turned into a big deal.

Okay. It is why I've been interviewing all the medical people and epidemiologists and researchers who were canceled during COVID to see what I can learn from them. And people like RFK Jr. and Peter McCullough and Paul, okay, all these, everybody, we interviewed all of them. And I don't agree with everything they say, but I've learned something from every single one of them. It's very interesting. It's fascinating. Okay.

Dr. Dua TV is where you get that. I love it. Thank you, Drew. I love you. I appreciate you for being here. All right. I'm gonna text you together. I'm gonna text you soon when we hang out.

We're gonna make this video. Please. Okay. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily.

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