Sex With Emily - Are We All A Little Non-Monogamous?

Episode Date: March 3, 2023

I’m getting more questions than ever about non-monogamous relationships, but is it right for you? Today I’m taking your calls about what it takes to navigate different kinds of relationships, and how our listeners' failures and success stories can help those considering opening up. When you’re long-distance, is an open arrangement actually ideal? Or is the relationship itself a distraction from the people right in front of you? When you’re married monogamously, but one of you starts flirting with someone else, is an open marriage the right move, or not so much? And when you’re in a heterosexual relationship, but want to explore your bisexuality, is bringing in a same-sex third a healthy fix? All this and more on today’s episode.Show Notes:How Do I Prep For Sex?PRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureHow Do I Explore Bisexuality While in a Relationship?What Exactly is an “Open” Relationship? OdelaHealth.com/SexWithEmily to save $50Yes No Maybe List & Other GuidesPromescent.com/Emily (use this link to automatically save 15% at checkout) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is not something that you ever want to talk to your partner into. You're going to like it. It's going to be great. Let's just try it. I promise. No. That never goes well. You have to be 100% on board with it, both of you discussing the boundaries, discussing

the rules. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, real talk. I'm getting more questions than ever about non-monogamous relationships, but is it right for you? Today I'm taking your calls about what it takes

to navigate different kinds of relationships and how our listeners' failures and success stories can help those considering opening up. When your long distance is an open arrangement actually ideal or is the relationship itself a distraction from the people right in front of you or when you're married monotonously, but one of you starts flirting with someone else is an open marriage the right move or not so much. Or how about when you're in a heterosexual relationship but one explorer bisexuality is bringing in a same sex third healthy fix all this

more on today's episode. Intentions with Emily for each episode I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to destigmatize different kinds of relationships by letting you hear people just like you talk through it. Now monogamy is definitely not for everyone, I hear you. But then again, neither is monogamy. So wherever you land on the relationship orientation spectrum, we've all got a lot to learn from my collars today. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show, it really, really

helps us, helps get the show out there to more people. So please review it. My new article, How do I prep for sex Sex is up at sexwithemily.com. Please check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your Sex or 559 8255739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. But before we get into today's show, I want to tell you all about something very, very exciting. I'm coming out with a book. Pre-order it like right now.

Please pre-order it. I'm learning a lot about pre-orders. It helps tremendously. So if you've been a fan of the show or you're listening or you know you wanna buy a book that's going to for sure change your life, then check out my book, Smart Sex, how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure.

It's gonna be in your hands on June 13th, and it's also available all major booksellers. And you can find the link in the show notes are on our website. You can also request that at your library. Just get it from there. Anything you can do to get the word out is so, so helpful. You can also preorder from indie bookstores. I love supporting the indie bookstores like Green Apple Books. And it's one and say this. I'm going to be on a really exciting book tour in June and so if you want me to come speak at your organization or you know that you want to join me on a book tour then just

definitely set up for a mailing list and you can also find that on our website we send out really good newsletters I'm just going to tell you like once a week and I'm super excited to meet you all in the road thank you for supporting the book and enjoy this episode. You know, I've been talking about this for a long time. And apparently in my first episode, I talk about open relationships there, but at the time, I was just starting to get to know some people. I lived in San Francisco and I was like you, likely. And I thought, come on, this stuff doesn't really work. And I started meeting friends who actually were in a turn of kinds of relationships. Some of them were swingers. They were committed, but sometimes they would go to a play party

and they would take someone home and, you home and they would swing. That's what swinging is. Some of them were open, meaning they had a primary relationship and then they would have a secondary partner that it's all above board too. So they would talk about it. They'd have, sometimes they would have three or four. I had a friend who had a spreadsheet.

She had to go to a Google Doc that she had a calendar that she shared with her husband. Of all the people they were sleeping with all month long so they could keep track of it. And I know you might think like I did, oh come on, that wouldn't work. That's just a way of saying, I just want to bang whoever I want. But I have to tell you this, that the people I know who are in successful alternative relationships, however you define it, actually practice this very fierce and rigorous honesty.

They communicate really well, they talk about really everything. And I feel that we could learn a lot from them actually, the people that I know that have done it successfully, I admire their candor, and I admire that they can sort of navigate jealousy. It's not that they don't get jealous, right, because I think that we all get jealous in relationships. That happens. It's the way that people, I admire, learn to sort of put words behind it. And they learn to kind of talk about it with their partner. And I don't like a blaming way or an angry way.

I mean, sure, at first, it's a process, learning to sort of communicate well. You know, I remember talking to a friend when she said, I was really envious because something happened. I think she was having a date that night, and her husband was having a date, but her date canceled. And so she was home and she said she started feeling sorry

for herself and jealous and then she was able to go to this place very quickly and say, you know what, but that wasn't about him and anything he did. She said it was more about me and she went back to her childhood feeling that she was always someone who wasn't lovable and you know an earlier boyfriend who cheated on her and she was able to through her process of being someone who looked at her emotions and her triggers realize it. It was another night at home.

Her husband was coming home. That was her arrangement that he was going to go on a date and come home and she was able to sort of release it and it didn't take down her night. It didn't ruin her weekend. She was able to process it and I really it didn't take down her night, it didn't run her weekend. She was able to process it. And I really want you to know, I've seen this as a possible solution for many couples who are a just another relationship alternative for many couples who just sort of realize that they can navigate this, that they're interested in seeing other people, you know, that

they want to be polyamorous or have a thrupple or being an open relationship. So this is from Cody 28 in Indiana. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have an amazing wife, but we hit a roadblock in sexual compatibility. When we first got together, she was always wanting sex, very kinky, very willing to try new things. I came out a few years ago that I was by, and that's when she just shut down and became vanilla.

Sex was always a taboo subject for her, and she really has a hard time opening up. And I'm having a hard time staying poly for her. I even need that she has understand though when I try to help her. In the past, she's brought up that she'd like to try a threesome, but now it was telling me she's no desire and that was to keep me happy

so I would stay with her. I'm at a point where things seem and feel hopeless. I have many fantasies, she's aware, but not willing at all to help fulfill those. What can I do? Is there a way I could turn her back to her old ways? Alright Cody there's a lot going on here. So first you're saying that you let her know you were bought before that you guys were kinky and you were doing other things and maybe talking about three sums but the thing that's confusing

here is that you said that she was really open before, but the second you told her that you were by she shut down. And I feel like if she wasn't open before, sex is still taboo to her. My sense is that when you brought up your buy to her, it might have been confusing, it could have been threatening. She might not have understood what that actually meant. Does it mean that you're going to be, you know, with other people, you could fall in love with someone else? I don't know what went through her head. So sometimes it's like, I love that you told her

and that you have, you know, open communication. But we have to also remember, and this is important, when we're having a conversation about intimacy with a partner, about something we want or a fantasy We have to really take it slow and we have to unpack it We have to say, you know, this is why I have this fantasy and this is what it's about for me And this is what it means to me and this is what it could mean for us Because they just might not have all the details. That's why yeah

We say can't go from zero to three some you can't tell your partner like I think we should have a threesome And let's bring your friend in like that's not gonna work I feel like it's really is hard to deal with a partner that will not talk or open up about sex I mean how many of you have a partner where you try to bring it up and they won't talk about it And a lot of you also have the story like Cody it was amazing in the beginning everything was great Now it's not that's because it's always amazing in the beginning or you wouldn't be with somebody. Like that's what gets you hooked.

You're like the facts and everything's great and there's no problems, let's get married, let's be together forever. And then you're like, oops, there's problems. Just, I wish we could all just learn to accept the fact that that is what happens. There's challenges that come up in every relationship. So, going back to you, Cody, you're not gonna turn

our back to our old ways because I'm gonna say that maybe, first of all, there's So, going back to you, Cody, you're not gonna turn her back to her old ways because I'm gonna say that maybe, first of all, there's never any going back, but there's a getting to know where she's at now and getting to the root of what's really going out with her. Now, if she was truly authentically kinky before, because you said she's kinky, but she's also think sexist taboo.

So, I'm a little bit confused about where she is here on the spectrum, but I would just put that all that aside and say I really want to talk about the importance of prioritizing our pleasure. How could we both be the best lovers to each other figure what we're into our expectations and have healthy conversations around it? And just remember, it is not a one-time conversation Cody.

Let's talk to Carly, 20 in California. Hi, Carly. Thanks for calling. I'm calling because me and my ex-boyfriend have kind of been in the process of getting back together, but we live this long distance. So we've kind of just been trying to figure out how that looks like.

And just recently this week, we decided that it would be best if we did an open relationship and this is after we had both actually been physical with other people that we can before. So we kind of just thought this is probably the best for us. And so I was kind of just hoping to get someone by some like how is the best way to go forward with an open relationship. It's my first time ever doing anything like this and kind of like how much weight should I be putting on the stuff I'm doing with other people who aren't my wife.

Well, yeah, Carly, it's a great question. How long have you guys been together? We dated for probably on and off like a year total and then we broke up and have been talking and kind of seeing each other more often since like August or September. Okay. And then how long distance he's moving out of town or you're moving? Oh, yeah. We're about six hours apart.

So here's a thing about open relationships. It takes a lot of communication and a lot of boundary setting. And most couples learn on the job sometimes like, oh, what that made me jealous. I didn't want to hear about this hook up or that hook up. So you have to learn. It'd be really great communicators. So your question is, how much should you emphasize the other person?

I mean, I think, how much time should you give another person? If he's your primary partner, that's what we call. Yeah, it's kind of time. How much, yeah, how much of like my emotional time and like stuff like that too, should I be like putting on other things I'm doing with other people? Well, I think it's a case by case basis, but I think I don't know how long you guys going to be living in separate cities for.

Like, do you know that eventually you'll be in the same place again? It's kind of indefinite because I'm still in school and he's. Okay. So it's kind of an indefinite situation on what would ever be living in the same city. So, Carly, what is it about an open relationship that's appealing to you? Because my thing is like you're 20, you're in college, like that's such a good time to explore and be with other people without having to put strict boundaries on. Like, oh, I can't go to, because it's hard sometimes, Carly, to say, like, you may meet someone and sleep with them a few

times, be like, oh, wow, I'm catching feelings. Like, I kind of feel that this could be something. Because at your age, you know what I mean? Like, it's just, it's harder to maintain these kind of relationships, I think. And maybe not always worth it because, I mean, are you looking to get married and settle down, have kids in the next year? No. Okay. Definitely not. So, I get the feeling of, I'm just going to be on it.

Yeah. Like, I feel like you can get the feeling of, he's the one, he's the one, I'm going to miss him. And we have, I've never felt this before. And it feels great. We want to keep it open. And I just, I don't know. I just think there's something about being your age and your in college and your meeting

people and like we change so much in our 20s. I would say this is a good opportunity for you to experiment, be with other people and maybe it's not open as much as it is just when he comes to town, you see each other. But then you spend all your time on the phone, you're face timing all day, you're texting back and forth, and then you're not getting to be present, and be with your friends and meet other people, college is a precious time for that.

That's true. Yeah, you're right. So that's what I think. If you were my niece or something, what you could be, I'd be like, that's what I would tell you. And I would tell myself, I have a long distance relationship

my freshman year of college. And I still go back on that, and I don't have a lot of grits. Like I love the relationship he was great, but I remember being so preoccupied with like every other weekend, I go to his college, he'd go to mine, and I thought I wish I just kinda stayed put

and really got to be with my people. And because it just doesn't last, like if I could never be with someone, I was with another 25, I'm a different person. So, or 20, that's my advice for you, Carly. It's a lot of work being in a, unless it could be totally open and flexible, like without a label, like you're gonna see them

and they will, and he'll agree to like, well, let's just kind of be loose about this. You won't have strict rules around it, but if we see each other, it's meant to be and we feel good, we'll hook up. Yeah, just, okay. That's my advice. Okay, thank you so much.

Of course, Carly, have a great night. Thanks for calling. You too. Yeah, okay. Bye much. Of course, Carly, have a great night. Thanks for calling. You too. Yeah, thank you, bye. Bye. Open relationships are not for everybody, but I get the sense from here in Carly that she's just, she doesn't wanna let it go,

because it's a great thing. And when they see each other, it's wonderful, but I know that toll it takes to have a long distance or an open relationship. It's a lot of work. And yes, it works for a lot of people, but I don't think that, you know, it's for everybody. At least in this stage in her life, now there's a lot of work. And yes, it works for a lot of people, but I don't think that, you know, it's for everybody. At least in this stage in her life, now there's a lot of couples where it does work and it's

their way of life. So I just like talking about the different options people have in relationships. It doesn't have to be like everyone else's. Yeah. It opens hard. And it closes hard. Monogamy is hard. Open relationships are challenging.

People I know in open relationships who are successful have really strong boundaries. They have excellent communication. It's impeccable. They talk about everything. And when something is hard or they get jealous, they talk about it. And I think it's great practice for being in an honest, truthful, loving relationship. I wish that people in monogamous relationships could also sometimes talk about jealousy and feelings that come up. You know, a lot of us are avoided and we don't talk about any of it. But I just, you know, I think you're in school, long distance. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't.

Let's talk to Paul 47 in North Carolina. Hi, Paul. Thanks for calling. How you doing? Hey, Emily, I'm good. How are you? Good. So you've been in a relationship. I'm all you should show. Yeah, I think it can be enjoyable, provided both the partners have a complete understanding about that, and they really want to get into it. It's not so much the excitement of getting into it.

We know a lot of couples would pick that and the feeling that they got afterwards was not all that great. So my only suggestion would be just make sure both of you want it, just make sure both of you are ready about that, talk to each other, and then if you feel comfortable, it can be enjoyable. And one last thing Emily before us up, we did, it's not that we did a lot, but we dabbled in it a little bit and we defined the boundaries very, very clearly. And we did go to a few of the parties that you talked about in your show.

What was really surprising for us is a lot of people who attend these parties and who are sort of dabbling or wedding their toes in this kind of an alternative lifestyle. Are perfectly normal, regular, suburb, and company. Yeah, exactly. They're just regular, normal people. So that's what I just wanted to share. Yeah, no, Paul, thank you. I so appreciate that. Thank you for calling. You did great. That's so helpful. You're right, Paul. That's exactly what I was saying. That you, there's your neighbors. They're not talking to telling you about it because they think

you're going to judge them most people, right Paul? But they're really just people who have a healthy relationship and they thought, let's go experiment and see what this is about. It's something that we could do together that might bring us even closer together. I have something fun, you know, a lot of couples to do a part of a few of this experience, but they actually find it hot to go experience,

you know, three-some or bring someone else in and then they go home and they talk about it in the bedroom when they use that as kind of a fun thing to like roleplay replay again in there absolutely yeah absolutely i think uh... this is a good avenue if everybody is on the

same page and it what's good for one doesn't necessarily mean it's good for or the other right it is if you have the right level of relationship i mean it's something that works to some people. So that's good, Paul. So it worked for you, huh, for a little bit. We did try that a little bit. We explored it and then kind of, you know, different things in life to go priority, family

and careers and all that. So we kind of stopped that, but we have been there done that. Right. Been there done that. We tried it out. Oh, no, life to that. Right. Been there down that we tried it out. Oh no, life is short. When I try it out, you know, if you're in a healthy place and you're right, you have to both the onboard. Thank you for your question Paul. Good to hear from you. Thanks for calling. Glad you called in.

Well, first off, great point there. We're talking about open relationship. This is not something that you ever want to talk your partner into. You're going to like it. It's going to be great. Let's just try it. I promise. No. That never goes well. You have to be great. Let's just try it. I promise. No. That never goes well. You have to be 100% on board with it. Both of you discussing the boundaries, discussing the rules, talking about fancies, as much as you can.

And then there was like a period afterward where you, you know, after your first experience where you also sort of do some repair and some conversations around that to see how how it would go. This is from Mary 45 in Virginia. Hey Dr. Emily, my therapist recommended your podcast and it's been incredibly eye-opening. Thank you. I've been married and in a monogamous relationship

for 12 years. In the beginning, it was great, but in recent years, I felt more unfulfilled and disinterested in sex with my partner. I found myself becoming really attracted to other men, which did not happen during the majority of our relationship. I've even becoming really attracted to other men, which did not happen during the majority of our relationship. I've even been masturbating to fantasies about some of my male friends. I love my partner and I know he's my guy, but I'm concerned about these growing desires

for other people. We've discussed open relationships and concluded it's just not for us. However, I worry, because I know that I'll never sleep with another person again, which means now that sex will forever be unexciting. I'm still very attracted to my partner. I just don't seem to be getting as aroused. I have to use a lot more loom during sex as I'm struggling to even get wet. And I've had some vaginal pain during sex as well, something that never happened in the past. I don't want to break up with my partner, but I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on him with these desires and fantasies. I'm not sure what to do. All right, let's get into this. Thank you so much for your question, Mary. Okay, so there's a few things going on.

First, let me normalize totally normal for your sex life to get stale after the honeymoon phase. After you've been together with someone, especially for 12 years. So you're going to be looking for ways to spice it up, keep it interesting. And also, I don't want you to shame yourself, you know, that you are having these fantasies. Remember, there's two kinds of fantasies, the ones that you want to share with your partner, the ones that you're super excited to happen. You're like, hey, babe, I want you to spank me, let's try toys, cancel out fantasizing about it. And then the ones that you want to keep to yourself, all are okay. Really? But there's something here that I'm thinking about. You mentioned having some wetness challenges, some pain,

and then looking at your age at 45, and I'm thinking other things could be at play right now. For example, parrymenopause. You might be in parrymenopause to edging towards menopause. And if so, you might want to see Dr. get your hormones checked. And if you were listening to the show, you know I'm sort of obsessed with parrymenopause menopause. And if so, you might want to see Dr. get your hormones checked. And if you've been listening to the show, you know I'm sort of obsessed with

paramanopause, menopause. Up until very, very recently, I'm telling you I've been doing this for over 20 years and up until the last few years, we haven't even been talking about menopause. There haven't been a lot of solutions for menopause. So you could get checked out. You just might need some vaginal estrogen,

get your hormones checked. Because what's happening right now in paramanopause is that there's a loss of estrogen. So when that happens, our vaginal walls become thinner, we have more dryness, we have more vaginal pain, and it could impact our libido. I highly recommend checking out O'Dala Health. It is a virtual health clinic. It's the first of its kind, and it's primary focus on women's sexual health. I wanna emphasize virtual here because it's so easy just to call them and talk to one of their providers

and just see how they can help. They provide prescriptions for estrogen, which can be a game changer, can certainly help with your wetness levels. Estrogen helps stabilize your libido. You don't have to suffer in silence. I just wanna remind everybody, Vaginal estrogen is also 100% safe.

We're finding out a lot more about it. It's a longer story. I will be talking more about this in weeks to come and months to come. But like 20 years ago, there was a study that showed that if we did take hormone replacement therapy that it could cause cancer, and we found out that's really not true.

So again, Odele Health, you would truly call Odeah Health, you can get a free 30 minute virtual consultation with one of their nurse practitioners. So I would just check it out and see what's going on there. You might find that if you start to look at some of these symptoms that could be coming from paramedics, you might find that you are more attracted to your partner, especially if your wetness levels come back.

And who knows? Maybe you might want to open up the conversation again about opening up or at least just trying new things with your partner. Listen, it's never too late to find ways to keep your sex life interesting. In fact, you should never stop trying whether it's finding, you know, whether it's like downloading or I guess, no, maybe list, trying new toys, discussing fantasies that you do want to share with each other. There could be some ways that you could connect with your partner around just more communication, more listening. How is your partner feeling about your sex life right now? You know,

are there things that he wants to do to stay more connected? You've been in this relationship for a while with your partner. And again, it sounds like you are escaping by having fantasies about other people, which is all fine. Fantasy is healthy as I'm saying, but I'm curious, have you any talks with your partner lately about your own sex life? Like, what do you both want to do to keep it interesting and hot? Because you might just find if you start bringing in some other elements, I'm not saying you need to open it up or do anything like that, or maybe down the road once you start to feel better sexually and feel more like yourself. maybe you guys can help with that discussion.

But there's many ways that couples can start to connect because it's never too late to talk about sex. Maybe you could be fighting about what his fantasies are. Maybe you guys could bring in some, you know, ethical porn and start bringing some new elements into your sex life to keep it hot and interesting. But I don't want you to beat yourself up for any of these fantasies. I would just love you to take more time to focus on your own sexual health

and remember to bring your partner into this and see what you guys can do to keep it hot and interesting for the years to come. And also if you want to know more about Odele Health, I'll also put this in the show notes, but it's odelehealth.com-sexwith-mla that's O-D-E-L-A. Stay tuned because I'll be talking more about navigating open relationships the right way,

right after this break. So before you can even liberate from your sex life or to liberate yourself sexually, you have to think about what is my relationship with sex right now? With my partner, with myself, do I still have a lot of shame, body shame, or shame around even being a sexual being? Maybe there's been some trauma that you've gone through that hasn't been resolved yet. I mean, all these things that I'm saying too, and talking about open relationships, again, I should have said this caveat that, of course, if one of you in the relationship isn't in a healthy place,

you haven't done work around trauma. You are still feeling a lot of shame around it. You haven't been able to even talk about it. If you've never talked about sex with your partner or explored, you don't just open up with the, let's swing this weekend. Let's have a threesome. There's some more groundwork to do, and that's what sexual liberation is about. Where are you feeling closed off?

Where are you stuck right now? Where are you feeling that sexually you could use a little bit of work? You know you could say you know, I've always wanted to try this thing or try something with my partner But you know, maybe I haven't gotten up the courage yet Is there something you've always wanted to try but you haven't gotten up the courage yet? Because you something you've always wanted to try, but you haven't gotten up the courage yet? Because you know, that's what I do. I help you get there. Where are you stuck right now?

Where can I help you liberate sexually? Now maybe you are with yourself and without a partner now, or maybe it's a lifestyle, and where can I liberate you around self pleasure? Where can I liberate you around masturbation or fantasies or things that you've been wanting to try because all the things I talk about about opening up sexually and masturbating. If you want more information on that, we've got so many podcasts, tons of blog posts at sexathamily.com to liberate yourself sexually. How do you want to touch yourself differently? You know, maybe it's time to buy a toy. Sex toy market is booming right now, by the way.

It's time to buy a toy. Sex toy market is booming right now, by the way. It wasn't just a notion, it wasn't just a hint, it wasn't just a, maybe people buy more sex toys. They are certifiably saying, this is the time, and that's what I want you to do right now, even if it's not buying anything. It's not, you don't have to monetarily invest in your sex life. But you can say, I'm going to invest in changing up the way I think about my sex life. I'm going to liberate myself from the sexual jail I've been living in my entire life, but you can't say, I'm going to invest in changing up the way I think about my sex life.

I'm going to liberate myself from the sexual jail I've been living in my entire life the last few months. However long you've been in a place where you don't feel that you deserve the pleasure, the pleasure is not your birthright because I believe it's all of our birthright. Pleasure is our birthright. We all get to explore. We all get to experience more joy in our life. And I don't think that we do that enough at all. And sex is like something that we can all do.

We can all please ourselves at the very least. We can all, you know, orgasm is actually it's healthy. It's good for us. Boost our mood or immune system. And I think we can all use a little immune boost. So liberating can also mean, okay, so maybe you're like, you know, Emily, I got no hangups. We're good. We're good. We're healthy. We're having sex regularly. Maybe you just want to talk to your partner about how do I explore toys right now? I want to play with some anal sex. I want you to analign penetrate me. I want to explore some BDSM, some dominant submission, some role playing. What is holding you back from that happening? I just want to know, I'm actually really curious

why we're not going there. Like, what is it? All right, this is from Veronica 34 in New York. Hey Dr. Emily, thanks for your podcast. I love it. So I have a question. I was in a very long relationship that didn't last. I'm with someone now who's not really my type looks-wise.

I'm not attracted to him, but he's an amazing guy who does everything to make me happy. Sex is not really there. He has a small penis and does not last long at all. Not more than two minutes. There's so many things we just can't do. I have a long time friend who I've sex with every time he's in town and he's in town for good now.

I know things will never be with the guy that's in town because he's polyamorous and it's so tempting because I can really see myself living that way. I use have kids and it's scary, but I feel myself pushing away from my partner not wanting to be sex, not wanting to be home and I feel horrible about it. Should I leave my partner? There's nothing you can do about a small penis or to even let us longer, please advise. Alright Veronica, thank you so much for your email. Okay, there's a lot to unpack here. First, what I'm getting from reading this, it sounds like it might be time to choose you. Like maybe it's not about either one of these guys,

penis challenge guy or a poly guy, you said you left a long-term relationship and I just get the sense that maybe you've been moving from one guy to the next and maybe it's time to figure out who you are and what you want. But just the feeling I got. So maybe it's time to be alone without a partner, just for a little bit and think about what you actually brought right now. Because sometimes when I hear like, is it this or that, you know, who should I pick?

I just want to say maybe it's time to pick you and it'll be a lot clearer. But let unpack this. So you're with a guy who wants to make you happy. Something the long-term partner probably didn't do. Let me remind you that we tend to hear our past relationships in our current relationship. So there may be some of that going on. Like maybe your ex and the long-term relationship

would never try to make you happy, but the sex was amazing. You liked his penis and now here's a guy who wants to make you happy, but you're not into the sack. It's just something to think about. Since you're not having great sex right now with the small penis guy,

of course the poly guy's sex isn't icing and amazing, but he's also not really available for what you need right now, which sounds like you are leaning more towards monogamy. So a few things I want you to think about. If you want to work on it with Mr. Amazing, remember penis size typically doesn't matter and is an issue for many vulva owners,

especially when it comes to pleasure. For optimal arousal meaning, you know, having more pleasure, more orgasms, usually it's fingers or hands or toys, and not a penis, okay? So only you know if you miss the fullness of a larger penis, if that's something you're if you miss the fullness of a larger penis, if that's something you're craving.

But sometimes we just say, oh, we need to get some more penis and he's got this or that, but really think about it. Are there other ways he's pleasing you? Is he going down and you? Is he giving you pleasure or could he learn to give you pleasure in other ways? And let me just address something here

when you said there's nothing you can do about it that it isn't last long. I just got to remind you about promissant. I'm gonna talk about promissants for probably a decade right now because they are incredible. I don't know, anyone else does what promissants does, they're quickly absorbing Delay spray, that helps men last up to 64% longer in bed.

You spray it on about 10 to 15 minutes before you have sex, and it can last up to an hour. So we love promissants, and'll put this in the show notes, but if you want to go to ProBestin.com, slash Emily, they are offering 15% off your order right now, which is really cool in generous. So that's one thing. You can work on these penis things.

So really, I just want to have you think about it here. Mr. Amazing, that's amazing. Could you really talk to him and say, let's work on our sex life. Here's where I know turns me on. Here's ways that I experience pleasure. Could you really talk to them and say, let's work on our sex life? Here's where I know it turns me on. Here's ways that I experience pleasure. Could you learn together? Because I don't know.

Sometimes we just tend to cast people off because we're like, well, this isn't working. That's not working sexually. But until we actually have a talk with somebody and say, here's my needs, here's my desires, here's my wants, what are yours desires and wants. How could we be great? Love us to each other. I don't think we can just end it. I always recommend that before you end a relationship with someone, make sure that you've done everything, right?

You've turned over every stone. You didn't just say, eh, I'm not into this person that you spent time really thinking about it because it sounds like you really like this guy and I don't want you to regret having just thrown out the whole relationship without developing some healthy communication with him right now. Now, Mr. Polly guy going back to that, he sounds amazing. You have a great saxophone.

Listen, if you're not into a polyamorous relationship, which makes sense. You've kids and you've another lifestyle right now that it's probably best to steer clear of him. I know it's really enticing and tempting because he's in town right now, but I have a feeling you know you've chose to be with Mr. Amazing maybe some time to put some more energy in that and it sounds like Mr. Pally isn't going anywhere. Alright, thanks so much for your question. Appreciate you Veronica. Let's talk to Chris 37 in North Carolina. Oh right, hey how you doing?

Hey Chris I'm good how are you? What's going on? How can I help? Alright, well okay I'm open. How are you? What's going on? How can I help? All right. Well, OK, I'm hoping you can give me some insight. I've been married now for three years. And my wife and myself, we've been together for a little

over five. About a year and a half ago, her job closed. And she started feeling that very bad, you know, no worth whatsoever. And I worked and worked and worked and worked, but I tried to help her out with it. She finally got a new job. And you know, started coming back. Our sex life completely was demolished during that time frame.

So whenever she finally got back to work, and all, we were like, OK, you know, something's got to give. We've got to try to entice our relationships, so we broke into the world of bondage and I'll light-wrote play handcuffs, easy-going stuff. We've been trying to learn it, but I guess I thought we were doing good, but come to find out we weren't. A couple of nights ago, I'm an over-the-road truck driver, so most of our conversations are over-to-phone. So my wife called me and said that she needs more.

That there's some things that she needs that I can't deliver on. You know, I won't lie about it. I do suffer from premature ejaculation, which really sucks, but it happens. So like the really rough style that she's looking for, I have a hard time delivering on that. So she approached me with the ideal of an open marriage and also that she could seek out what she's looking for, what she needs.

I wasn't too keen on that ideal. So we sat down a little weekend, we talked some more and we come up with the possibility of maybe swinging or something like that. Something that we could do as a couple because I don't want to lose her by no means. I love her to death, but it's the same aspect I don't want to see her get into a situation with just like somebody off of Tinder that could possibly really harm her. Right. If that makes sense.

No, Chris, there's a lot here. Wow, yeah. It doesn't even make sense coming out of my own head right now Right, oh my god. There's a lot of us. Yeah, wow. Okay, so are you okay with this? I don't know I don't know because I don't know if it's going to help us or hurt us Because right before Christmas, I found out that she was talking to another guy. Okay.

My wife and myself, we are the same age. The guy she was talking to was 24. I found out about it on the worst possible way whenever we were redoing our phone plan and everything else and I started noticing these phone numbers that were on the bill at like 12 1 2 3 o'clock in the morning I'm like well that's not a telemarketer yeah and she finally told me said well yeah that's the guy I work with you know we've been text and flirting everything else and she was like that's why I changed my hair color so that I could try to pick back up our relationship and try to get us back to where we need to be.

And I did, I explained to her, I said, you know, I said, I understand. I said, people are promiscuous. It's human nature. It's human nature, the whole, you can look but you can't touch and everything else like once you're buried and whatnot. If it makes sense, a tolder you know the thing that hurt me the most was that I was kept in the dark about it for about seven months. So I've kind of pretty much gotten over that. I was in therapy for a little while. My therapist told me that whenever people are molested at an early age they can go one of

two ways. They can go really clingy, want the sense of security, safety, or they can go promiscuous. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's not true. I mean, listen, people can be molested, you know, like one out of six women, you know, has sexual assaulted and molested. I wouldn't say that there's a 50-50 that there's it's so black and white. So that I don't love about your therapist, but yeah, people can react to things in all different ways, but the thing I want to go back to is there's a lot here. First off, I can't stop thinking about your premature ejaculation, because I just want to say that there's stuff you can do to work on that. Now that I've heard work context to make sense, because at first I was like, there's no you can do to work on that. Now that I've heard more context to make sense, because at first I was like, there's

no way this is about the fact that you are premature ejaculator, because so many men are, and we can talk about that, what to do. But now it's not even about that, because that kind of upset me when people say like, well, you never do this, so now I'm going to cheat on you. You never do this, that's why I went over relationships. So it's never about what someone says it's about. It's usually there's other things going on. Now, I think you're right that for many people,

monogamy isn't the only option. There's other things that work. I don't know that we're all meant to be, that that should be the only option, that we're all only meant to be with one person sexually. There's a lot of different permutations of open relationships, right? Like some couples, they, you know, they still stay together,

they live together, but they don't have like emotional relationships with anyone else, but they just keep it sexual, right? Like some couples, they, they, you know, they still say together, they live together, but they don't have like emotional relationships with anyone else, but they just keep it sexual, right? Or they swap with a couple and they communicate about everything. And they're very open. Like the people that I know who are in healthy, let's call them alternative relationships, practice like such a rigorous honesty where they share everything and they're open. And for many of them, it actually helps their relationship. But when it starts on a shaky ground, like we have to get it open or we have to swing to save this relationship.

Like this is all we can do to make it better. It doesn't always work because both of you have to want it and be on the same page. You can't talk your partner into it. You know, unless you really thought it was interesting to be with someone else as well, Chris. Like is there any part of you that thinks it might be interesting to be with someone else as well Chris like is there any part of you that thinks it might be hot to be with someone else right now or is it just to appease your wife?

I think, yeah you want me to be honest, I think it's more it's more to appease my wife. She approached me with the possibility of of a threesome you know to see if we could build on that and like I even told her okay I'm kind of fine with that but i have no want to wheel to be with nobody else you know i right you know you're you're all i need you know i'm there to see i have gelet

i have jealousy issues and stuff like that uh... yeah this is not for you open this job now for about fourteen years and I've been cheated on probably out of probably seven of my last relationships. So it's kind of a mental thing for me too of wow is this just a BS reason to be able to cheat and say it's okay or is it just like well you know if I do this I can still get what I want I can still have the financial security and you know

you can just deal with it. So there's so many different things going around in my head right now. Yes of course. Wow. Yeah this is a blindsided with. There's a lot here. So first off how often are you away during the week? Like if you're a truck driver and you're on the road, like how many days? I leave out early early Monday mornings and I don't get back home until Friday afternoons. Like this past weekend whenever I was blindsided with it, I was actually on the way back from an emergency theme alone, and I got blindsided at 1 o'clock in the morning with it.

You're home two days a week? Yes, a day and a half, a two days a week. I mean, I think that's part of it, is saying that that is a lifestyle choice, right? And so I think it's about being clear with what is possible because you might just be with people who need people around more regularly, right? Like who who want to amare it, you said you guys are married, you know, where it's they have a partner that's there every day or more often, right? It works out good for it because I am naturally a loner. i really am um... okay and my wife she does her own thing during the week so

as far as the time spent apart it it actually worked out great for some aspect we don't get tired of each other per se where we get on each other's nerves because i tell her all the time worked at least you know newlyweds you know we really haven't been married for for a four-. You have time wise, spent together. Okay, well, I think what you're saying is it works for you when

you're together, but maybe there is a way that an alternative relationship could work for you. Does she want to stay in the marriage marriage is she want to make it work and stay with you and do you want to stay in it you do but she yes she said that she loves what we have she said she loves every minute around me and our our stepson she said I loved the way that you treat our son she said you know she said it's just there's desires that i have that i know that you can't well it's not because you can't i mean i guess it's because you're out of town but i wouldn't say it's because of the the premature ejaculation you know i

i feel like that you've had to maybe seek some sort of alternative relationship that works if you want to stay with her, but you get to set your own rules and talk about you know what works for you guys like maybe she can she want her to be with someone you know to tell you everything or let it be someone who can't sleep over but I think it's gonna be hard to enforce the rules here but you're gonna have to get really clear and tell her that you want to be 100% honest on all of it. Now, if you're still getting your needs met in this relationship, you might have to just

accept the fact that you might not always know the truth, that she's going to want other things sexually, and that you're going to see her one and a half days a week, and that's what it's going to be. I just found out, whenever she went on her last vacation, she did have a little fling with a female and that was five months ago and I just found out about it while we were talking about everything. And she was said, well I do have a video of it. And I was like, really? And she's like, yeah.

And I was like, wow, if this is actually going to work, I said, you're going to have to be kind of be a little open with me about things, because that's wrong. I said, you've been carrying that for five months. But Chris, you got to make that. She has shown you who, that you ever seen people show you who they are, believe them. She was cheating on you, the guy at work, whether it was flirting. She wants, she's had this with this woman. This, she's going to continue to not tell you the truth and lie to you about these things and she's going

to be sexually adventurous. This is the truth. You're, she's not going to change. And so, you've decided, am I in this relationship for what I'm getting or am I out? And that's my advice for Chris. So, that's it. The truth is there. She's not going to change. Okay? People don't change. So either she can go to therapy with you, you can go to the contract. Thanks Chris, I appreciate your call, thank you so much. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily, be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find

me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you?

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