Sex With Emily - Are You Quiet Quitting Your Relationship?

Episode Date: September 30, 2022

Quiet quitting: the act of leaving without leaving. At a job, it’s refusing to stay late, not seeking out extra projects, and only doing exactly what your role requires. Critics call it lack of inspiration or hustle – but proponents say it’s simply setting boundaries.But can quiet quitting apply to our relationships? I’ll explain the signs to look out for and how to initiate the hard conversations you may need to have with your partner. If we can put aside our inner people pleaser, we can avoid long term resentment and articulate our needs.Show Notes:Playground (get 15% off first order with code SEXWITHEMILY) Gottmans on Compatibility, Conflict & Conversation Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I think in no way think that using sex as a bargaining chip and saying like, well, I'm going to put our sex life on hold until this other thing happens, it's ever healthy in any relationship. In fact, it's really, really detrimental to relationships. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Quiet quitting. It's the act of leaving without really leaving. At a job, it's refusing to stay late not seeking out extra projects and only doing exactly what your role requires.

Critics call it lack of inspiration or a hustle, but proponents say it's simply setting boundaries, but can quiet quitting it's simply setting boundaries. But can quite quitting apply to our relationships, I'll explain the science to look out for and how to initiate the heart of conversations you may need to have with your partner. If we can put aside our inner people pleaser, we can avoid long-term resentment and articulate our needs. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show.

I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How much to help you? Well, my intention is to help you recognize the signs of relationships, stagnation, and provide the tools needed to address the underlying issues rather than falling into contempt purgatory. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok.

It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me. Sex with Emily.com slash Ask Emily or com our hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, one more thing on today's show.

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Let's talk about quiet quitting. So quiet quitting is a new phenomenon. Maybe you've seen it in social media or you've heard it from friends, your kids, people in your community. And essentially what quiet quitting is, where you might have seen the headlines, is it's a rejection of the hustle culture, of this culture of your job consumes your life. Everything you do is about your job and getting ahead and you're just hustling all day long, your docked taking vacations, your not taking breaks. And so essentially it boils down to the concept of employment is just transactional. Employees giving their

services in time and exchange for compensation for their employer. That's what the job is. And then if either party feels the other is benefiting more from the relationship, well, that party should reduce their effort accordingly. So the pros, if you're into quiet quitting, it's sort of way to subvert exploitation in the workplace. You know, I think a lot of people during the pandemic, everyone was home and working and feeling like they weren't getting compensated for the work they were doing. It was exhausting, it was hard to communicate with the workplace. This is where this was born, quite quitting.

What I believe is a con is I look at this, I think you don't want to do the slow fade at work and just kind of give just enough. So I believe there's more ways that we can address these issues like talking to your employer, quitting your job and finding a job where you do feel respected and you do feel that it's more balanced. People who believe in quiet quitting like we don't want to live to work, we want to work to live that we are prioritizing life, not work. So again, this movement is probably been driven by people becoming more accustomed to working from home. There's also a recent worker shortage that has sort of shifting the bargaining power away from employers. And there was

a recent Gallup poll that found that quiet critters make up at least 50% of the workplace. No matter which side of the coin you are, if you believe in quiet quitting or not quiet quitting, let's talk about how this applies to our relationship because it's actually similar. Maybe you're in a relationship and you think, you know, I am contributing time and energy in this relationship and I hope my partner is doing the same and in fact, at the beginning of the relationship, they were doing the same. So the benefits that you're drawing from the relationship, you know, in your mind is like, it should be equal to the amount of work you both put into the relationship. So if you're not getting that, you might say, well, my partners never going to change,

or I try to talk to them. So I'm just going to like withdraw from the relationship. I want to quite quit. I'm going to reduce the amount of time and effort and energy I'm putting into this relationship. Because if my partner is not going to give me anything Well, then I'm just going to do the same. Maybe they'll notice maybe they won't but I'm sick and tired of this So how would you know if you are quite quitting your relationship or if your partner was quite quitting your relationship? There's no better place to look than the four horsemen It's actually a metaphor to picking the end of times in the New Testament. That's maybe where you heard of the forehorsement. But it's actually a metaphor that the Gottmins, John and Julie Gottmins used to

describe communication styles. And if you recall, we had a show with John and Julie Gottmins. They are the relationship experts. You can find that in the show notes. But essentially, they said, if a couple engages in these four behaviors, it's going to predict the end of a relationship. Now, they're fasting. They've been doing this work for like 60 years. They can put couples in a room and watch within a few minutes or less. They can decide, well, this couple is definitely not going to work out. Let's walk through these. It's a tiny piece the sound familiar because I think maybe a lot of us are sort of dabbled in some of these in our relationships, so we've been with people who treated us this way.

So the first one is criticism. So you need to know the difference between criticism, which is actually a tack on your character. Like you're not a good person, you're lazy, and a critique or complaint about specific issues. Like noticing, like, you know, this behavior that you did really maybe feel bad and I'm hoping that it's something that you could work on. You could work on being on time in our relationship. So it's a little bit more careful and it's kind and it takes your love and respect to

have your partner in consideration where criticism does not. So here's a complaint. I was scared when you were running late and didn't call me like, I thought we agreed. We could do that for each other. That's a complaint. Okay? Like I thought you were going to prioritize being on time. Criticism is you never think about how your behavior is affecting people. It's not that you're forgetful. I think that you're selfish and you're lazy and you don't think about others and you don't think of me. First off, you can tell the difference there, right? If someone criticizes you, we revolve and criticize. It really hurts. Like, it gives you no room for healthy

communication and really working through things. So as you can see, criticism is the first of the forehorsesman that just is setting couples down a really much darker path. But when criticism becomes really pervasive in the relationship, it paves away for the next horseman we're going to get to. The next one is contempt. And contempt is pretty bad. I mean, the comments say that this is one of the main predictors. Like if you see couples who act with contempt, it's like the relationship is five seconds from over. So that goes way beyond criticism and not just attack on the partner's character, but the person is assuming a position of moral superiority. You know, you don't want to have sex.

I've been working all day. I do so much for this house. What are you doing? You're just sitting around all day and you discussed me. It's really intense and if you are experienced contempt in a relationship and I've seen couples do this, but when couples are contemptuous of each others, it also shows that they weaken immune systems. They get cold.

They get more illnesses, they get flus, and where this contempt comes from. It's not just like your partner one day turns to you and they're acting in contempt. It's usually because a series of negative interactions and negative comments just escalate, and they escalate, and then you get to this point of just really disgust.

Next we have defensiveness. And we all know what's like to be defensive, right? We just feel unjustifiably accused. So everything you tell me if I'm your partner, I'm just gonna reverse that blame right back at you, and then I'm gonna continue to escalate it. I might have no empathy for you, find the defensive partner.

I will only back down if you apologize to me. When someone's defensive, there's also no room for any healthy conflict management when we're talking about being defensive. The non-defensive partner makes a request and they say, you know what, I've been thinking about lately and I really miss our intimacy and I'm hoping tonight we could spend some time together be great to have sex, great to give you a massage. Well, if I'm a defensive partner, I might say, yeah, just like you always want something else for me, I mean, I'm so tired and I feel like you're always criticizing me now I'm a defensive partner, I might say, yeah, just like you always want something else for me. I mean, I'm so tired and I feel like you're always criticizing me.

Now I'm not having sex with you enough. Like what's next? Like, what do you want next? I'm not, you know, paying my own way around the house and, you know, they just sort of every, you like, can't win. Like, when someone's offensive, you're like, oh, I just, nothing I can say. And this is where you might shut down and lead to the next one. And then fourth horse one is stonewalling.

I think it's still one. I think of like the silent treatment. And this is when one part is shuts down. They completely disassociate. They stop responding. They do not confront the issues. They make evasive maneuvers to avoid conflict. And so essentially, there's an issue in the relationship and the partner refuses to communicate verbally.

So they walk away, they withdraw, they avoid, they resist. This is something you gotta look out for is the stonemalling. Those are the behaviors, but how else this might look in the relationship if you're completely withdrawing is, you might just be coasting.

You don't mean to coast, I'm just coasting along, people do this in jobs too. Just doing the bare minimum to maintain this relationship. I'm not putting any effort You know, I don't really carry the way. I'm gonna do just enough So this person will stay in a relationship with me. I don't want to confront anything But I'm just coasting and another one is like the slow fade You recognize your relationships coming to an end But you just don't want to be the one to pull the plug. So you do like a subtle

like sabotage. And to have you ever heard this like someone who's like, oh, I never break up with people. I just get them to break up with me. Like that's what I think about the sulfates. Like you're not being communicative at all. You're not doing things that you were doing at the beginning of the relationship, but you're like slowly backpelling out of the relationship. Now there's also something that could happen here and that is the domino effect. So Rachel Di Alto, she's the chief dating expert at match and she put it this way.

If one partner starts to quietly quit the relationship and really doesn't start to put the same on effort in, typically what we see is the other partner feels that they feel this too and they start to do the same thing. And so now we have the cycles like, well, if you're not showing up to relationship, I'm not showing up in the relationship. When you see this down to effect, you might still go on dates, but they could become way fewer far between. You might have dinner with each other every night, but you just, you

get over as soon as possible. These are the signs. Sound familiar? You want to like send this to your partner or listen again. You might have to. I just gave you a lot of information. If this is familiar, what do you do? So here's some solutions. I'm going to give you some emotional versus physical solutions. Because I get it, listen, it is really hard to feel a sexual connection when you're stressed out, you're anxious, and you are not connected intimately. And by intimately, I mean, you're not having the emotional connection, you're not talking about your day, you're not talking about your feelings, you're really not sharing anything.

And when that goes away, it's really hard to jump in and have sex, because a lot of us require emotional intimacy to feel sexual. So let's start with the emotional, diagnosed problem. You might say ask yourself, so what am I doing here? Why am I withdrawing from intimacy? Yeah, I notice that they have been avoiding my partner, I've been turning lights up before they get home, I've made up excuses. Well, quite quitting relationship is essentially dissociating from your relationship.

And disassociation is essentially a defense mechanism. And sometimes it's not even really conscious. This defense mechanism is put in place because we want to protect ourselves from disappointment or heartbreak. I don't want my partner to leave me, so I'm just going to disassociate. Now, disassociation is a tactic that a lot of us use in other areas of our life.

We use it in conflict, we use it during sex, we use it at work, but how we do one thing is how we do everything. So it probably shows up elsewhere. You might just be withdrawing because you don't have time right now. You've other things going on in your life. So you're just investing less in the relationship. You need to focus on your career, your self, your family. You've got a lot going on and you think I'm just going to not give as much as relationship.

Now, this type of quiet creating is usually temporary and consensual because your partner knows or shouldn't know you're going through it at the moment and wants to give you space. So again, all of these things I'm talking about, I really hope that they are consensual and that if you feel like you are drawing in a relationship or if your partner says to you, baby, I feel like lately you've been pulling back is something going on rather than getting defensive, which is a really like common response for many of us, when you hear something like this, it's so great to take a beat, take a breath,

and just say, tell me more about that. Could you give me examples? Because then maybe you went to hear it, you're like, oh yeah, babe, you know what? I am withdrawing and it's because I've really really worried about my sick parent or I'm worried about money. And so just again, the more we can ask questions and listen and really sort of be transparent with our partner about what we're going to, you will avoid all of this horseman and quiet quitting altogether. But let's go a little bit deeper. So let's say you're not feeling satisfied

sexually in the relationship. You can ask yourself, why am I not satisfied? It could be. You guys have a lot of times we're not satisfied because we're not asking for what we want and we're not clear. Our partner actually has no idea. And it usually goes back to not just sex as to other things going on. So maybe you're not feeling appreciated by your partner. You're making all the plans, you're paying for everything, you're doing all the things, but your partner is not appreciating you. And then you're just playing back sexually. You may be you're attempting to get, you're doing all the things, but your partner is not appreciating you. And then you're just playing back sexually. You maybe you're attempting to get back at your partner for doing something wrong that

they've done to you. And I don't recommend ever using sex as a weapon, as a bargaining tool in the relationship and say, well, I'm going to withhold sex until you do this thing for me or that. It really just never works. This is all really just some diagnostic tools to hear for you to get clear on what's happening. Usually the problem with the physical equals the emotional or if it's emotional problem equals the physical. And usually they're very, very closely related.

I mean, honestly, typically if there's a relationship with sex that lifts it, you're part of a cabin orgasm or isn't having it orgasm when you want them to or there's something else happening, usually those are easier to address than like the questions around sex were like, I'm withholding or I'm never in the mood or I'm out of my part or usually there's an underlying you know emotional component. Maybe you figured out the problem, you're like, this is the challenge, this is what's going

on. I don't want to talk to any part or I don't want any of this passive, aggressive behavior in the relationship anymore and you know how I feel about how to do this. You've got to address your partner right away, being direct, being open, being clear, you know you want to have humility and empathy and you want to set yourself up for success using my three teas of communication which is timing, tone, and turf. You want to make sure that you're picking the right time. It's not when you're fighting. It's not when your partner did something again that pissed you off. It's when you guys are in a good, neutral space and you are not tired and you're not angry

by anything and you are in a good, you know, good place together. Maybe it's date night. The tone is light and curious and open and compassionate and the turf is outside the bedroom. And just remember this. Our partners are not mind readers. So sometimes we think I've tried to explain this to my partner, they should know what I'm going through,

but most often they do not, because we can't all pick up on cell cues, especially passive aggressive tones. Like if someone's passive aggressive to me, I tune that out completely. I just see that as somebody who really doesn't know themselves enough and there's a lot of work to do. So really it's best to go with these conversations with just some compassion and being direct and being

clear. Here's some other things. So let's say we are talking about sex here and I want to give you a few other tips because you're like, you know what, I mean, we're not in the forehorsement. We're just been disconnected lately. You're on a lot of things. I'm busy. They're busy. We haven't made time for the relationship. I don't know if I talked you about the sexual state of union lately, but it is a series of checking questions that you just use with your partner about your sex life. You can discover each other's turn-ons, get curious, like what's working well in this relationship, what's not working well. So really this is a tool of becoming intentional in your sex life.

I like to recommend to couples to ritualize this conversation. So picking a time, maybe it's one to week or one to month, or you come together, and you're like, let's talk about our sex life. And there's a series of questions. Some of them could be like, what are you enjoying about our sex life right now or what something new you'd like to try?

What could I do more of to make sex satisfying for you? What's your favorite memory of sex we've had as a couple? I love this one because I think that just sharing one memory could explain so much to you about what you both really value in your sex life, especially my partners might be a little bit different than mine, but that sort of tells me that my partner really liked when we slowed things down and I was really attentive to

their needs. You know, another thing you could say ask is, you know, my share is something I'd like more of during sex. It is, you know, fill in the blank. Another question could be when we're having sex, what's your favorite part about it? So some of these questions will get you going and, you know, just have you open up conversations, especially about sex in a way that feels more conducive to figuring out what you both want, what you both like, and how to move forward.

I understand that bringing up sex can be super confusing and frightening to a partner. I realize that a lot of people when someone brings up a topic of sex, they go into fight or flight mode. They think, I've been something wrong, my partner hates me, they must hate my sex life, I'm not a good lover, and they just shut down. And that's because we don't have a lot of healthy examples of people talking about sex. So just know if that happens to their partner, it's okay to say, all right, it sounds like you're really getting frustrated with this, or I can see you reacting, let's pick this up again, but that doesn't mean you stop having the conversations. So finally, after that, take action. All right, so now you've addressed some things

that you wanna work on in your relationship, I get it, here's some things you can do. For emotional issues, let's say you've been feeling unappreciated. Perhaps you feel like the child carrying responsibilities are on balance or helping on the house. You could talk about like corrected behaviors. like what behaviors and actions need to address this pressure point like how can you problem solve together? Because the fact

that you are feeling unappreciated means that maybe you've been pulling back from sex and intimacy so it would you know really make sense that your partners should try to come together and help you problem solve. Maybe you need your partner to help out a few more days a week. Maybe you need to get some help just around the house. Maybe you just need the to help out a few more days a week. Maybe you need to get some help just around the house. Maybe you just need the words. Like you just need your partner to say, I appreciate you. I really appreciate all the work you're doing around the house.

Maybe you just need to be seen. So this is good to figure out, what do I actually need to feel better here? And then for physical issues, try different sex activities together, exploring new kinks, our turn-ons. I always encourage you to download my yes, no, maybe list. Would you get that for free on my website? You can download it from the show notes or make a sexual bucket list. I love this. Like,

write down the things that you want to try or write down your greatest hits. Here's our three most memorable times you've had sex and then you swap the list. There's a lot to learn about your sexual DNA as a couple. What have we both liked? Are there any overlaps on this list? Is there anything that you both love doing? Why aren't you doing it anymore? Like, you both love 69 or you both love sex outside. How great we just figured out and let's do more of that. All right. Now you know the signs of conflict in your relationship. Maybe you're quite quitting your relationship. So we'll take a short break and then we get into your questions. This is from Jesse32 in the Netherlands. Hey Dr. Emily, my boyfriend and I have been together for four years broke up twice

in between. We're trying to decide if we should buy a house together. We're in our 30s, so it's kind of also become a discussion of whether or not we are ready to settle down enough kids with each other. My boyfriend has perfectionist tendencies, struggles with decision making, and has a lot of difficulty trying to decide if our love is good enough. This has led to some issues for me with confidence, which are especially present during sex. I feel like he's not that into me, and it makes me have spiraling thoughts during sex,

which totally distracts me from experiencing pleasure. I don't want to break up with him. We are working through our issues in therapy together, but I think we can get back to a good place. But how do I stop the relationship issues we're having from ruining sex for me? I've listened to the show for a long time. I love the podcast. Thanks in advance for considering my question. All right, Jesse. Thank you for your question. So I hear what you're saying. So he's got struggles with decision making and it does not feel good when he is not sure about you.

So I love that you guys are on therapy right now, but I'm wondering what you're finding out in therapy. So have you been talking about these challenges about what it means to not be good enough and what he's unclear about? Now it could just be his age, worry that in his life, he might not be sure what he wants right now. He might

have some challenges around his career. Not having financial security or security and who we are in the world are feeling great. You think that can really be a hurdle to us feeling like, I can't, well, how can I connect to someone else if I don't feel great about myself? So what I want to say is, Jesse, I don't know this is going to make you feel better right away, but to tell you this, that his being not sure about you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with where he's at in his life. Okay. So it's not like you can do more, be more, and do all these things that are going to actually

like all of a sudden he's going to choose you. But the problem that we're facing here is that you are having these feelings during sex because you don't feel he's choosing you. You're like, well, I don't feel safe in this relationship but it's making me have spiraling thoughts during sex which is distracting pleasure, which is so common. That happens to so many of us. In listen, the best sex that people report

when they have the most pleasure and the most orgasms and the most connection is when they feel safe. When we do not feel safe, because our partners like maybe they've cheated on us, or we're unclear about how they feel, or something happened, or we don't feel safe, we can't be present, because we're on high alert. You're on high alert,

because listen, being sexually open and carefree and sinking into your body and having an incredible pleasure, the precursor to that is safety, because why am I gonna let go and open up and show my vulnerabilities with somebody who could leave me any minute. So I understand what you're feeling here 100% and I'm wondering, have you been able to talk about this in therapy? This particular part about what his behavior is affecting what you feel about the relationship, and especially

during sex. This is where the conversation really has to happen. He can understand that the consequences of him feeling he's got one foot in and one foot out is not allowing you to really open up sexually. So he sees that there are some repercussions to him not making these decisions. And again, here's the thing about it. I don't think we ever know for sure. If we put the ring on someone's finger and we buy a house together, sometimes we still don't know, right? Like that is also a practice thing.

I'm gonna commit to this thing in the moment and we're gonna figure it out together. There's a certain like, we are in it for now, kind of mentality. It's kind of like the Buddhist law of impermanence, right? We all just don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. So we're gonna do the best we can today. And I don't know that you guys are there yet, but I think that there's a lot of other signs here that you just have to get clear on

what you both want. Can you at least commit that if you do buy a house that for the next year you're going to make sure that you go to therapy once a week and it's done negotiable and you're going to stick with it. Like what else would you need from him to feel safe? And it's okay if you don't have that answer, but I also bring that up in therapy, I would say, I don't feel safe, but I'd like to figure out what makes me feel safe. Maybe you need to hear some words from him

that are like I said, like he's maybe he's saved you, I love you and I'm choosing you now and we will revisit this in a year, but I promise we're the next year, I'm going to make every effort I can to feel committed. Or maybe you say like once a week, we're going to have these check-ins where I, you know, I need to know how you feel like.

Maybe you need the words. Maybe you need him to buy the house. You guys need to get the house together because that action is going to make you feel safe. Like, what else do you need to feel safe? Because listen, it's also on us to feel safe. Like, you should have let him know what that looks like. And if he says to you, I hear what you're saying,

but I can't do any of that, well, then you have more information, right? We're constantly gathering information on our partners, because I don't think things are so black and white in relationships. In fact, usually they're not. But when you're very, very clear and you make your request and you let it be known

what you need, especially if he's in the therapy figuring out with you together, you can at least agree that he's gonna try to do some of these things to make you feel more connected. But if he says, no, can't do it, well then you have the information and you might even have your answer about what to do next. Because I want this for you, Jesse, I want you to feel safe

and I want you to feel nurture and I want you to feel connected and have the most incredible sex. So you're doing all the right things here and thank you so much for your email, Jesse. Appreciate it. This is from Jeff53 in Seattle. Hey, Dr. Emily, I discovered your show around the time of its inception,

but haven't listened in years and rediscovered it recently. I loved it then, and I love it even more now. Thanks, Jeff. Your growth as a counselor and human being are really wonderful to behold. You are a blessing to all of those who have the good fortune to find their way to your wisdom.

It's possible that my question is more about venting than particular guidance you have for me, but I've been continuously surprised by your answers to questions posed by your listeners. I'm married and love my wife deeply and place great value in our relationship for its stability, its functionality, and depth. She's a killer saleswoman and brings in significantly more money than me. This wasn't so in our beginnings, but this imbalance has created resentment in her that has undermined our once excellent sex life.

I'm in the midst of a career shift to address this issue, and in the meantime, sex has been put on hold indefinitely. I'm a flirt. I adore women generally, but I'm super loyal, and these qualities combined are, at the moment, driving me mad I need to get laid. I mean masturbation is great, but I've got that under control What advice do you have if any? Thank you so much for your email Jeff and I love that you've been here since the beginning and thank you for your kind words

I really I really appreciate it and thank you for reaching out So what you're saying is the imbalance of her making more money than you right now. As a result of that, she puts sex unhold indefinitely. And I just wanna check, did she come out and say those words? What did she say to you? You're not pulling your weight around here and I'm making a lot of money,

so let's just put sex unhold. Because then as we think that's what's happening, or we get a conversation about it, but I just want to check, could there be something else going on in the relationship? Because I would love for you to check your story. I, in no way, think that using sex as a bargaining chip and saying like, well, I'm going to put our sex life on hold until this other thing happens is ever healthy in any relationship. In fact, it's really, really detrimental to relationships.

Because essentially, it's taking sex and putting in this transactional blame where then it becomes this, you know, person with holding sex and the other person like trying to do everything they can to get the sex. And it's just a really unhealthy imbalance that sets up a dynamic for the future too that just can be really hard to undo. And I like to think about sex as a healthy collaboration where you're both at co-creating your sex life. So I'm just wanting what else is happening here? Because you're also saying like you know you adore women, you're loyal but you won't get laid,

I think if you said to her, listen, I'm noticing that these behaviors have been happening lately. I feel like you're withdrawing, but I also really love you. I love our relationship. I actually have come to require our intimacy and our connection to really feel whole and to feel connected to you. And I'm not sure what I can do if we don't have that kind of connection. Do you have any advice? What do you suggest that we do? It could be that you're creating penetrative sex and orgasms, but a lot of times what we're craving is intimacy. So I'm warning for you as well. Do you feel like since she's working so much that she's also just pulling away intimacy? Is there no longer any hand holding or deeper conversations about emotions

and feelings. And so again, a lot of times I feel like this isn't about a sex, but it's more about connection. So I'd love you to check some of those things out with your wife and see if you guys can come together. I mean, she's not divorced, she's not leaving you. She's doing some behaviors right now that aren't making you feel great. So you could let her know how they're making you feel and see if you guys can find other solutions to kind of solve some conflicts that are going on in your relationship right now.

And I do believe that if you really listen and you ask some questions, you just listen to where she's at right now, you're gonna find that it's less about the money thing and the withholding sex and then there'd be some other things going on. This is my hunch and now Jeff, I want you to have this conversation and get back to me, please.

All right? Okay, this is from Sydney, 17 in the UK. Hey, Dr. Emily, listen to your podcast for two months now, and I love it. I've recently gotten to my first relationship and my girlfriend and I have been dating for a month. In the beginning, I was petrified of hurting her because I doubted whether I truly liked her or not. I have communicated this with her. This started to fade away until yesterday after a month in a university where I started to feel detached and almost as if I don't like it anymore. Deep down I know this isn't true.

When I was previously in love I was very obsessive and it wasn't healthy. Its connection is healthy, but I think I have misconceptions about love as I grew up with an abusive father where my parents don't have a good relationship. How do I get over this fear of hurting her and backing out? Thank you. Thank you so much for your question, Cindy. And first off, I think it's really great

that you're so self-aware of your patterns and how you realize that you're already pulling away and that's such great self-awareness. I love that. So I think that the first thing is to let her know that you really love her and you want to work on this relationship and that she has permission to kind of call you out when she sees you acting in this way, when she sees you withdrawing from certain behaviors or she sees you pulling away and you can say, I don't want to

do this with you anymore. This is a pattern I am trying to break. Because she's not gonna be able to figure it out. And even if you tell her what's happening, she still might not notice it. So I really recommend that you bring her into it and you say, like, these are all the things that I'm feeling. Because when we give our partners all the information they need, like, really healthy partners who want the best for you and for them

and for the relationship, we'll say, okay, like they'll be so relieved. Like, how great is it to know that your partner actually isn't trying to leave you and for them and for the relationship, we'll say, okay, like they'll be so relieved. Like how great is it to know that your partner actually isn't trying to leave you and don't be you, but they want to work on it, but they're just doing it because they have something with themselves. So all they're asking you, they're not saying to be a better partner, so I don't leave. They're saying, can you just help me be a better version of myself by helping me notice these behaviors of myself?

And I'm telling you guys, this works. This takes growth and maturity, and I love that you're 17. That's in these questions because these are things I wish I knew at 17. I think I used to do a lot of that stuff too. I think I can recognize pulling away when I didn't feel safe. And now, let me tell you something. It never goes away either.

Like, I'll do these things in my relationship. But now I notice that like, oh, that thing I just said, it's because I was feeling insecure in this moment that you might pull away. I mean, still I do those things. Sometimes they are so habitual that we don't even realize that we're doing them. And I'm telling you, when I point this out to a partner,

we can laugh and you can say, okay, is that cool? Like it just becomes a thing and I'm telling you, but barely happens anymore. In fact, it hasn't happened in years and years and years, but when it happens now, so wherever I can notice it, so this is what I want for all of you. And what I love is Sydney, this is is a fabulous question because I am so certain this has inspired so many other people to take these same lessons and the same

level of communication into their relationship. This is from Meg, 20 in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your podcast. Would you mind talking about the if he wanted to, he would concept that is popular on the internet? I love my partner. we have a healthy relationship, but when I hear things like if you wanted to, he would. I start warning from settling since my partner doesn't do the romantic things that I see online like Bami, Flowers, and Plan dates.

But on the other hand, I understand that he cannot read my mind and know to do these things without me communicating. My desire is to him. Anything you have to say on this topic would be great. Thank you so much. I don't agree with if you wanted to, he would. Okay. So first, I love that you're recognizing that this is this whole thing that you're

seeing online. Like, you're like, oh, if you wanted to dump him or dump her, they're not right for you. We're all like comparing and despairing things that we're seeing. Like, yeah, this is bad. Let's all get this together and be miserable. That is just not healthy at all. He doesn't know what you want at all.

If my partner kept by me flowers and planting dates, that in no way would make me feel like he was really committed to the relationship. What I need is communication. I need to have like deeper conversations about things in our relationships. So we all have different ways that we need our partners to make us feel the romance or to feel connected. So I guarantee you

he doesn't know what you want. So to say if you wanted to, you might say, no, no, but I told him once, I make a Pinterest board of all the flowers I like and I tell him all the time, my friends, you went on fabulous dates, that should be enough. No, again, just because you're dropping hints and you think is a mind-rater, it doesn't work. What you could say to them is, you know, I want to talk about our relationship and you can start with all the things that you really love about it because no one wants here you can play.

They don't. Godless night was so fun or I love when we went to this movie and I love this show and all the fun we've been having together and I realize like fun and doing things with you is like the favorite part of our relationship. And we go a few days or a few weeks and we don't have things planned. I start to feel less connected with you and it's important to me to be busy and then I start making plans with friends but I don't want to withdraw from you in our

relationships. So I'm wondering do you think we're possible we can make some more plans together? Let's look up right now 30 shows coming down to things we could do because he just might a little bit of help. He might not be a planner. He might not be romantic. He might even know what that means. So if you tell him all these things and he's like, I understand, I'm going to make a plan and he doesn't, I'm going to tell you this, Meg. Having a healthy conversation with him once is not enough to make a change.

Has anyone ever had a conversation with you about changing behavior? It could be anything. It could be like, you should stop smoking or you should start working out more. You should stop cutting people off in sentences. Did you ever make a change from one request? Did you ever learn a new behavior because someone said it to you once? Probably not. So when people say the relationships take work, it means that we have to repeat these

conversations several times. And eventually, if your partner still doesn't change, even if you've said to them, you meeting this need of mine is a really important part of me feeling healthy and this relationship and feeling stable and feeling connected to you and feeling loved and feeling safe. And then they still don't do it? Well, then I think you can say, well, if you wanted to we would. But only then can you say that.

All right, Meg. So just go practice having some healthy conversations and see where it goes, because you're gonna know a lot more after that. Thanks for your question. I appreciate you, Meg. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739 A go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

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